My sister destroyed my relationship with almost everyone I know. It took 7 years to figure it out. These people are sick and flat out evil. There’s a special place in Hell for them.
So true! My ex narc had me and his whole family believing his 2nd wife was horrible. I then was the next victim. When I discovered he was triangulating me with another woman I discarded him and the smear campaign began. The flying monkeys aka his family treated me like I never existed. They all did their obligatory duty to continue to support him with new supply. So disgusting how the narc gets everyone to partake in their bad behavior.
It’s so hurtful that someone you love can be so deceitful and cunning. How can they look at themselves in the mirror and how can his family and friends believe the BS?!???
Thanks for being so beautiful and gracious in your delivery. You truly are a light. The narcs get very angry when people like us get compliments and they don't. It drives them crazy. Especially the psychopath low on supply has a problem with this.
This was so validating!! Thank you, Dr. Glossmyer! I have experienced this, and it just blew me away. I was a few months into my 2nd marriage, when I heard my husband on the phone with one of his grown daughters, relaying a distorted version of a disagreement he and I had over a relatively minor issue. I realized then, that nothing was out of bounds in our relationship for him to discuss with her. He refused to discuss the matter with me.I ended up writing him a letter which I found in the trash the next day. We had dated over a year, had months of in depth premarital counseling, and, I thought both of us were really committed to making our marriage work. He had pretty much held his love bombing act together until shortly after our honeymoon. After months on end of his refusing any intimacy, his electing to sleep on the sofa, his doing other things to emotionally wound me, I consulted a lawyer. After refusing my many pleas to get help for our marriage, I told him I was leaving. I arranged for a moving van, rented an apartment, and 7 months out, am beginning to heal. It has taken so much out of me, because I actually was SO IN LOVE with who I now see was just a figment. There was no real person there. With counseling, a lot of reading, and watching videos like yours, I am beginning to understand more about these people. Thanks again.
In my narc experience, sh!t hit the fan rather quickly-because I stood up for myself. It IS true that I spoke to "mutual" friends about what was happening (mostly conveying that I didn't know WHAT was happening) but clearly the narc was telling them something entirely different. I never got it out of them but I was, apparently, not cast in a very good light as they mostly sided with her. I felt completely betrayed and to this day I am still somewhat resentful and distrustful. Probably not an uncommon experience.
Mine has a vast army of people he used to support himself, their needs wishes & wants were always put ahead of the needs of the relationship. Sam Vaknin describes the partners of narcissists as their “insignificant others” I always felt that I was insignificant & that our relationship was of no great importance to the ex N. So glad to be working free of all that sticky dark mess.
My ex filed divorce without telling me. He said that someone was waiting with papers at the door. Then people backed away from me because he had smeared my name telling others I was evil and he never loved me. All my stuff was thrown away and attys found out that he had cleaned out our personal acts and invest funds. Well in the end, people could see who the real villain was in our relationship. He has yet to follow any of our court orders and has not spoken to me since I signed the papers at the door for the divorce. He was a nightmare... I am surprised that I am still sane... Thank you for standing with all of us and providing the info we need to work through the damages.👏🙏
My abuser actually said that verbatim several times in early days, when acting all magnanimous about our differences in reconciliation phases right after his minor freakouts (leading up to the first narcissistic rage): "I want you to be yourself. _I will learn you_ ." So disturbing.
Thank you for revealing the subtle erosion of good standing. The guided perceptions of those around you can have a real-world impact on one’s health and legal/financial outcomes. Your observations are very validating.
I would like to add to the first scenario, the narcissist stating to the victim “how awful it is to talk about their partner behind their back to other friends/family”. This tactic is used to prevent the victim from talking about the narcissist bad behavior to other people. The victim will trust and respect this is the moral code he follows and the victim would feel guilt if he/she broke that code of moral conduct. This also provides additional isolation to the victim.
I divorced a narc husband in the mid 1980's after a hellish 6 years of marriage. I could NOT go "no contact" because we had joint custody. Decades later, I'm still finding new people he used for triangulation. He told anyone who would listen that I had been diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic - which is a total LIE! Besides, family, friends, acquaintances, clergy, counselors, he targeted my new step-mother and her kids, in order to make yet another attempt to turn my father against me. (They all still lived in the same town after I moved away, and ran in the same circles.) It worked to some extent. My father even made my step-sister executor of his will. He said it was more expedient, so she could take care of his medical bills, etc., as he had lung cancer. But it confirmed to that side of the family that I was a "black sheep", not to be trusted. He did however make sure I was the majority beneficiary of his inheritance. Somehow, I never felt like he really wanted me to have it. This behavior is so insidious and evil, and its effects can be so devastatingly long-lasting and pervasive, I'm glad knowledge of it is becoming more mainstream and well-known. Hopefully, it will help prevent people from going what I went through. My ex is currently with wife #4. I regularly pray for her.
I think that when your family and friends turn against you because of a narcissist they were never really for u and that they are asleep spiritually .. being born into a manipulative family and me not being a manipulator has shown me bothsides .and now i trust my own judgement better than ever i refuse to be anybodys fool .
Just stumbled upon this and when my ex and I began our decline I learned her stories and lies to everyone around us, and realized the only way to stop this behavior was to have them in the same room and confront these issues. Once I realized she NEVER wanted her mom and me in the same room, and so on. I realized her stories from person to person were totally different and once all of these different pieces of the puzzle were in the same place at once, the stories/lies began to be noticeable by all parties invovled. I just wish you wouldn't consistently direct the negativity in this towards men, because I have battled this for a very long time and couldn't find answers , we were just told by many counselors it was bi-polar. But it just felt like so much more than depression or manic highs and lows, it was much more deviant, and dark.
This is precisely where the shock and cptsd come in. You don't realize that the person you gave 100% to has been talking smack behind your back, the whole time, since day one. that they were completely fake and devoid of human capacity. Some people in society just brush it off and say, you should have seen the signs. Or, they might think that you were such a bad partner that they can understand why your husband/wife was so angry at you. The smear campaign starts right away. Week one. week two of the relationship. My ex narcissist long term boyfriend life partner preached about how people are jealous and we should keep our business to ourselves. Everyone else is out to get us because they are jealous. But, he would tell people things about me that weren't true. What i thought was weird after he was gone, is that he had been packing for a year acting like he wanted to work things out with me. The whole time preaching about how his ex wife was cheating on him while pretending to work things out and that is why he is so frustrated in life. After he and i being together for 12 years, he was using his ex wife as an excuse to cause havoc in my life and blame me for everything that was his problem in life. the nerve of him. Lying about me behind my back, triangulating me with stress and worry that is false and has the nerve to continue to tell people what a witch i was. I could have had him sent to jail for a few months but, i wanted nothing more to deal with him. i have a debt to pay of the 12 year relationship but, i don't want to deal with him and when the narcissist left, of course i was in debt. they think money grows on trees. well, your money that is. they don't care if you dig ditches or have a high stress job. your money is their money. the entitlement is another book.
They need people to sanction their shit and cover up for their abuse. Its the only way a narc can continue to get away with his abuse and never ending desire for control.
Thank you, I like your style & very supportive sharing of helpful information. I can no longer have contact with my exes daughter & son, when I told them years ago how he was behaving towards me, their reply was to say that their mom said exactly the same thing, almost word for word. We broke up for the second time & his daughter & I were looking forward to seeing each other again very much. I know that the story that he will have been putting around will be all about him being the good guy & being used & abused by me. I’m not going to argue, defend, explain or justify so I have to acknowledge that I’ve lost the chance to rebuild my relationship with his grown up children. There are two sides to every story.
My ex narc never wanted to introduce me to his family and he would always tell me that he was abused as a child and all this crap. For almost six years I was with him and he never introduced me to any of them. Well he was recently in a bad car accident (he was out getting drunk of course) and was in the hospital and when I got there all of his family was telling me to leave the room. That I had no business being there and all this stuff and I didn't know what to do because I wasn't married to him I didn't really have any say-so over anything. So I just left until they left. Well I went back inside and was holding his hand while he was on a breathing tube and finally he woke up and it wasn't long when his family came back and you know what he did? He started triangulation right there in the hospital room. He wanted me to seem crazy in front of his family because that's what he had been telling them about me all along. He was whispering in my ear that he wanted me to stay but was acting like he didn't know why his family didn't like me and was acting like he didn't know why they wanted me to leave. It was the craziest thing I've ever been through in my entire life! Needless to say after another week or so of being triangulated with his family I got out of there! I couldn't believe he was doing this to me at a time like this and of course he turned everything around on me and is probably still telling everyone that I left him at a time like this! I knew he was toxic and insane and dangerous but I still didn't think he would do something like that to me after almost dying. (And by the way he was out drinking and cheating on me when he got into this wreck and his best friend died in the accident) they have no shame in what they do to us💔
my narc. triangulated me to his grown son, and his fiance, had an affair and brought this woman to his house. she wrote our relationship was volital and he needed to leave me... we had never had a bad argument till then...... Thank you for doing these videos. These monsters are truly POS.
Triangulation was the only form of communication that went on in my family. It's like growing up with a disability - by the time you're an adult, you have messed up ideas about relationships and communication.
Yes, my narc ex made me promise to only talk to him about our issues and to keep our personal stuff between us. I found out on numerous occasions that he'd been talking badly about me to his friends, family and even random strangers he'd meet in bars, etc. It is truly disgusting the way they behave. Example: after having lied to me and upsetting me one particular evening, I called him back after he hung up on me (one of his favorite tactics to control) and he refused to answer. I later found out he'd been with a close friend whom he'd talked very badly about me to. When I had called him and he refused to answer, he'd actually shown his friend that I was calling and then set the phone down. His friend asked why he didn't answer. My ex said "It's complicated". HE made everything complicated but never failed to place all blame on me. It was truly disgusting.
I found out I was being triangulated by my soon to be ex wife with 6 people. My stepson, my mother in law, her bit on the side and 3 of her friends. The mother in law, her bloke and the friends I couldn't give a shit about but I've actually been very good to my stepson over the years. More of a father to him than his actual father who he has nothing to do with. Quite despicable having him brought into this mess rather than just talk to me about what issues she had in our relationship. I'm currently divorcing her.
I just got hoovered by triangulation this weekend. I went no contact with my narcissist mother and enabling father about 2 years ago. After several useless 'talks' and attempts to repair the relationship, my wife and I laid a boundary and said no more talks. We said that we either move forward, with equal respect to each family member, or we don't. So of course, they have made repeated attempts to have one of these talks, even though we said we won't do it. Back in August, in the birthday card my parents sent, they put a piece of paper in it with an offer to meet with their ex-pastor, who also did our wedding! They have been talking to him about our situation for months, smearing us I'm sure, and they think it's a good idea for this person to be a unbiased mediator? That's hilarious! It said that if they don't hear from me, they will take it as a no, and we will continue the relationship as is. So of course I didn't respond, foolishly taking them at their word that no response meant declining this offer. So on the Dec 16th, my Anniversary (these folks really like to bring this crap on special occasions!) the pastor reaches out and sends me an email, restating his offer to help with this. Of course, it is clear in his writing that he thinks my parents are just lovely, faithful people who just want to reconnect, and he has completely bought my mother's spin of only the best intentions, and is just a poor victim of her horrible son and daughter-in-law. Any advice on how to respond? Probably the best action is not to respond at all, but I hate feeding this image that we are jerks, and ignoring an email will just be further proof to them. I also know that if I respond, I cannot give any information whatsoever, especially not our side of the story. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
God gave me the strength to go "no-contact" after a 30 year relationship and 28 years married to my NPD grandiose husband; as he had gathered his series of flying monkeys in the business I founded - and then shared with him. Only through the absolute grace of God and His strength would a no-contact method work - since I was a co-dependent all of our lives. I did not fight for the business, I did use legal methods to attempt to get a fair share - but the absolute freedom and relief from triangulation, gas-lighting, projection and the canvas of my own life (being re-painted) was worth so much more than a true half of all I had provided. Life after NPD is abundant! Self-confidence and monetary security can be re-built.
I got caught in a triangle. They were trying to pull my gf into it against me. A male friend is the narcissist, his gf cheated on him and to save herself they sought to paint me the villian. I tried to explain the trap our female friend is in. Pointed out examples of so many signs. He was constantly bad mouthing her out of earshot, everytime they had a fight, he would and still does run to her dad and sister and neighbors to tell her how terrible she is. She was in a bad relationship and got pregnant wanted to do adoption but this guy came in and "made" her keep the child. Seemed like a saint. But once the girl was about 2 he stopped carring. Still interacts just actted indifferent. Overhead him tell the little girl her mom was a evil B. They took a "break" at one point she went back to her parents, and he "won" her back by buying a house, she is on the loan. Then got her pregnant. She used to work nights at the irs but switched to mornings for him. She didnt like it, was visibly upset more. So i asked one day thinking nothing of it. If she planned on going back to nights, she answed "maybe" and he flipped out. Saying you dont care about us or your family, go then blah blah blah. Every fight he threatens he will take the kids he has more money and the courts will side with him etc. Because of all this I am the bad guy now.
This certainly happened to me. I took in a deeply depressed relative. As soon as he became manic he started doing very destructive things to my home and property, losing, giving away and breaking my dearest and most expensive possessions and having sudden outbursts at me whenever I tried to find ways to prevent all this loss. He had a sycophant friend, my neighbor and family friend who was basically like a vicious chihuahua lapdog - ready to snarl at friends and enemies alike. Apparently he told this woman every fault or offense he saw in me in an exaggerated way. She then called every member of my family and repeated these things with an added dose of her own opinions. Fortunately my family was much less naive than I had been at the time I took this relative in and they did not buy into it. In the past year I took this relative in again when he was badly injured and then, depressed. His sycophant looked at me as a heroine, but I sensed this would end the moment that my services declined. He became wildly manic, moved back home, borrowed money he wouldn’t pay back and the two of them apparently thought I would be a 24-7 911 service and would drop everything happily to rescue him from every self-induced predicament. When they found out that I was less than eager to do this, he pretty much dropped contact and she has cut me off completely. I am enormously relieved. My brothers have told me that if I ever take in this relative again that they will remove him from my home. I downsized to a 2 bedroom trailer after he practically destroyed my 3 bedroom home. Maybe my next stop is a tiny house. Maybe my shed would convert?
There's a part of me that feels I shouldn't need to defend myself from the lies my Narcissist wants to spread about me. People are going to believe what they WANT TO BELIEVE. Sure it hurts, but who are these people anyway. Did they ever come to me and ask me about it. Did I ever do something that they saw that would lead them to believe what he was says is true??? People believe what they want... If they really knew me,... they would never believe what he says. My Narcissists spread negativity about me for years while I was to busy taking care of OUR father, single-handedly. Now that my dad has passed, I expected to go live in a that small town but I am now so vilified there that.... I don't dare step foot into.... This should be criminal!!! It's so painful. People don't even know me, I haven't been there in years, but it seems a nasty reputation proceeds me. I'm the talk of the town, one person let out.💔
he's talking about you to whomever is breathing... including ppl new on his list of tricks, like girl friends.... or what about a mother that has. scape goated one daughter an told lies all around the world to family, and teachers, and neighbors. all lies, horrible lies.
This is happening to me by my family members and my exnarc. THey come off as being the good ones and victims have made me out to be crazy or lazy, off balance, not good enough etc. It's so disturbing bcuz my mom had a stroke and is in denial that his is going on.
Why does the narcissist use the smear campaign behind one's back? Oh, I see why, to be able to suck in new supply, and to validate his cheating! This is so difficult to understand being a kind hearted person!!
It is very hard to understand! It makes no sense when you would not even consider hurting someone in this way and yet for the Narcissist it is quite predictable. If you are on the receiving end of a smear campaign the best thing to do is just hold your head high and get on with your life. Eventually the truth will be apparent. It is important to remember that "other people's opinions about you are none of your business." (source unknown) :-)
The problem is that the victim tries with zero resolution to communicate on many levels from various learning styles to remedy a situation to ZERO avail. Given that, the victim is at a frustrating loss, and goes to anyone to talk about the actual lies, control, manipulation from the narc sociopath.
Try to no avail is absolutely right. The N is motivated to avoid understanding and/or resolution to achieve and maintain power and control in the relationship. Crazymaking!
This is why, in my personal situation with my narcissistic mother, I am glad that, although I’ve told others of things she’s done, which may also be considered to be a smear campaign - the police have records of her behavior, as well. I KNOW she HATES that. Because narcissists HATE records and because she can’t gaslight them.
Great video Denise; I've got a request I'm sure you've been asked to cover by many. Topic; the narc replaces you and the new relationship looks totally different: traveling together, long term, families involved.... My ex's new couple makes me seriously doubt his npd: I managed to keep a very strict no contact for months but yesterday I couldn't resist snooping in his IG and found out he is in his homeland with his gf and he's spending family time with her. They're on the other side of the world. It tore me apart when I thought I made some progress in the recovery; how can I put the narc harem, the hot and cold and all of his BS against this? Taking sb home is one huge step and I am not sure if this is all part of playing the 'normality in your 30s life', while with me and the ones before it was pure narc hell. I got to say that he also introduced me to his parents via Skype (this is Europe and his family is from Argentina), even when we kept on fighting and he literally said 'when i'm tired of this relationship, i'm out!'. So deep down I know the 'perfect fiance role' could still be a charade. Can you share your experience on it?
I'm happy to do a video on this. It's a great topic that impacts many people in recovery from toxic relationships. Stay tuned! I'll post within the next week or so.
It's really warped and twisted and I'm being triangulated by a psychopath who I actually never had a relationship with. I used to like him but no longer. Gee you gotta wonder why right?? .and he enlists some woman I don't know to gladly play the role of manipulating me. To try and manipulate me into giving him another chance at dating. He's been extremely abusive to me and controlling and has hacked my computer. Its so severe to the point that she makes what's going on between me and him the center of her social media page. That's how ill both these individuals are. I don't know him very well and her I never even met!@ I want nothing to do it but he won't leave me alone.
I need your advice so bad Dr. Dart. My narcissistic 75 year old mother died two weeks ago and she caused me so much anxiety with her lies, she lied about every text I sent her and now the entire family thinks I emotionally abuser her for years and even one brother accused me of her death, my father wants nothing to do with me. All this because they believed her lies. I have no family now and had to grieve my mother death alone. I have tried many times to get my family to hear my side but they wont. One brother even said he would charge me with harassment all because I have texted my dad asking why I'm being disowned. I for years have tried to get my truth but they would never listen to me. This has been the worst experience in my life losing my family to my mothers lies. But I still love her and grieve everyday.
+Deborah Rieks Deborah, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. If you don’t have a therapist yet I believe that would be a good thing to do. What you describe is so complex and so painful. 💜
Again, spot on. My bf of 16 years has been setting it up so that his family and friends think im a heavy load to carry with all of my mental disorders. WHAT?! Anyway, then years later he is telling me how they all think that he should have left me a long time ago because Im so crazy and too much work for him to deal with. "Fine, leave me.,,PLEASE!" lol How did I get here? How did I let this happen to me? Im so dissapointed in myself.
Try to be compassionate with yourself. If the Narcissistic person presented themselves as they truly are very few would get drawn in. You believe what you were promised.
My ex and his new wife have made many attempts and have gone above and beyond to put me behind bars with false police reports and the courts and families etc. it’s a sickening and disturbing way of existing. Luckily the universe works wonders and another door opens for me. 🙏
He lied about me in court, tried to get my daughter taken away after she was born, said I slammed his head into the closet door. I never laid hands on him. My biggest mistake was getting back together with him early on. I was at my almost strongest point, believed the hoovering, and got sucked back in, again. Here I am 3 & 1/2 years later and finally finally waking up. I wrote him a letter today telling him why I do not want to be with him. YES!!!!!! I went through that behind the back thing before and see him replaying patterns again now also.
I've got such a colleague. WAUW, I have had issues right from the start of my life with narcesistic abuse from my mother after that I married ' my own mom ' . Meet some ' friends' that used my. And finally, last (hope so) but not least a co worker. The Hilarious part is, I have her the job. So I'm a 63 old woman who is really at the and of the rope. Hope my English is not to bad, I come from the Netherlands so it's not my first language. I'm very happy you do understand the dynamic of this crazyness because nobody around me understand a bit about it.
That's what my mother did with her sister talking about me when I'm not there. She got addicted to her attention and she prohibited visiting my aunt, so I wasn't able to tell her the truth.
Yes! Have you ever seen a mother do this to their daughter? My mother is like a manly spider that has nothing better to do but to pin people against each other and create situations to where I try to leave and not only does all my money disappear but she calls the police or those Baker Act people on me and sets up a situation I have no clue to what’s going on and the police say how could I not know but I really don’t and after awhile I just gave up and let her do whatever she wants to me. I am no match for her. She is threatening a lawsuit on my local abuse shelter who tried to help me and is attacking the individual personal lives of my victim advocate group so now everyone is scared to continue helping me. I would be half way across the world right now if my narc mother had not stolen my two year old son with lies and is delusional telling people he is her child. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Im new to this terminology, my relationship with narc ended 12 years ago. We share a child. 5 years ago he moved in w woman who is also narc and my child lives with them. The last five years I've spent defending my shared parental rights, legally. I realize I've been a target of a 12-year smear campaign. I can't go no contact and I'm not sure how to proceed. I can't find an attorney who's not narcissistic.
It’s very difficult stuff. There are good attorneys out there and it can make all the difference when they understand the personality dynamic. You may want to check out Bill Eddy’s High Conflict Institute. Lots of great information!
You are absolutely right! My channel was initially designed for a primarily female audience. I did a video specifically on the fact that this is not a gender specific issue. In many of my older videos I used pronouns appropriate for a female audience. Thanks for taking the time to leave feedback.
An ex friend has done this to me shes got lots of friends involved now and they have all turned against me. She is making out she is the victim i didn't do the school to take my daughter for a while since going back nobody is speaking to me now she has been bitching about me i didn't even know it was happening until i went back to school then everyone turned against me she's lied a lot about me. X
Here are some of my narcissistic sister's texts after her narcissistic daughter/flying monkey physically attacked and hurt me. Notice in the texts that there is no apology to me for her daughter's rage and attacking a disabled elderly person. I did not respond to my sister's texts. See how she tries to control my feelings, choices, my future...according to her. This narc rage chaotic drama took place on my birthday a few days ago- preplanned so my children and grandchildren would be there at my party to witness the craziness, destroying any happiness I, and they, might have. Gaslighting, Triangulation, Flying Monkeys galore! Wow! I am looking for a place to live and will be here another week. Your videos will see me through. Sister has tried every trick in the narc playbook.... "You have a lot the be grateful for- ask God and your Family for forgiveness - a very ugly side of you reared it's head. Whose going to be the winner God or ??? You're not thankful and have a lot of hate towards me, Lisa, Bella, and Olivia. Ask your kids because they were witnesses. Lisa is not off the hook either. " "I am saying this because the story has to have a better ending. I have plenty of faults and lose my temper too. This is the Repetitive story over a life time: you are loved I just don't love your demons. Running away started at 16... So 50 years of this is enough. Slamming doors, hiding in your room for days, screaming on top of your lungs, threatening to call the police, moving out. I am clear this is what happened with Jacqui too. You play the victim very well. Who needs that! Let the victim go. Certainly no way to spend your golden years." "Outcomes as I see them- 1. Everyone says sorry and the same thing happens again 6 mos down the road. I won't have that. 2. You move away and then end back with me. Same arguments happen again repeat performance. I won't have that either. 3. You move and because of spite don't tell anyone where you are - you've been there done that. 4. Go to counseling with me - work out the animosity on both sides. You can stay as long as you and Lisa work it out - you are not hateful towards my family. Both of us Follow Drs orders. 5. Best plan is you move to your own place - your own space - no eggshells, no big sister to constantly be grateful towards or but be close to family for your health and knowing where you are and have contact for family get togethers - we go to counseling - everyone says sorry and the repetition ends." "That sounds better to me. " "I did not kick you out There are conditions to stay" (Yes she did tell me to leave) "Live your Life Sister I don't want to deal with any of it. I am a controller Thank God for that!" "You are nuts... I don't know what violence I have done - I don't physically attack you? You have a very distorted view of things. I'm sick of dealing with your baggage which is so heavy it'll take an army to carry it. Your kids and grandkids I love them but don't support their bs either. Some are doing great because they want a different life then the one they were dealt and some will go down the same sorry road. I have nothing to do or say about it." (The last time I moved out my sister pushed me across the kitchen. She is much larger than me. I ran to my room. She chased after me and cornered me there. When she balled up her fist to hit me, I said I would call the police on her. That stopped her. I am 66 years old and can't take this anymore. Moving in and out is physically hard with a disability. )
My toxic co-worker has done a smear portfolio against another co-workers last year and against me this year. My boss is now requiring quarterly process review meetings where he has to talk to me face to face and even HELP me! Bwuahahaha! 😈😈😈 Sorry Not Sorry!
Is this different than processing your relationship with another person? I have been so confused and hurt in this relationship I've felt the need to talk about it with other people because I don't know which way is up. Is this the same as triangulation? I'm not trying to bad-mouth my partner I'm just trying to figure out whatever is going on with other people that I trust because I can't figure out what is real half the time!
I have to ask, though. Narcissists tend to dismiss or discredit the concerns of others when being confronted about their behavior. After several attempts to address the behavior with no change resulting, it stands to reason that a target is going to seek the advice of those who are close/genuine acquaintances/family members. When does this become triangulation -- especially after the narcissist has been confronted and (in true fashion) continues with the same dysfunctional/abusive behavior?
Valerie Kelley this is exactly what I was thinking! the whole time I was watching this I was think omg I'M the narcissist. I understand it doesn't make "gossiping" any more right but in my own personal experience I got to where I didnt openly talk to my ex or confeont him directly because it got down played as if I was overreacting all the time, he would flip it on me or he would pretend to be concerned just to turn around and do the same thing. I got to where I would vent to those around me, seeking validation that I wasn't crazy or overreacting. A lot of my family did start to see him in a different light due to that and a lot of his family has limited contact with him now too most of which was his own doing.
Valerie Kelley ... Thank you for your comment. I came to the internet today seeking "support " or relief of this internal emotional pain I'm feeling. I never see the "trap" coming & today is no different. I feel so alone dealing with this pain alone. I just recently learned that what I'm going through actually exists elsewhere with other people & that this is what it is. I had never heard of any of this but reading comments by others & watching videos has given me so much support , just knowing that I'm not alone in this. I'm 33 yrs old & I truly feel like my mother despises me so much that she loves hating me or something. It completely consumes my thoughts & emotions directly after my mom "attacks me" or emotionally torture/abuses me. ... I never see it coming & then all of he sudden , Boom, there's a confrontation over absolutely nothing & I flee,, only to be left feeling completely drained & consumed by trying to understand what the heck just happened. I called my friend searching an outlet for this feeling, needing love & support, ... only to be left feeling worse.
It is very important to note that scientific studies show that that the distribution of male & female Narcissists is roughly 50/50. This is not the domain of only men, but equally shared with women!
Although this is not a gender specific. Problem, my channel is designed for a primarily female audience. These stats may be helpful “RESULTS: Prevalence of lifetime NPD was 6.2%, with rates greater for men (7.7%) than for women (4.8%).” www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/18557663/
The worst kind of narcissists are mothers. My parents were divorced and my mother was systemically tearing me down even as a little girl. I would cry to my father as a little girl on the phone and he would get frustrated and say, "Stop your bitching!" These wounds run deep.
Ive had ppl smear MI with their own vileness & disrespect their own allies by throwing them under the bus to get at MI. Theyve done background checks & anything MI said on behalf of MI completely true. Very documented & now everything they are looks questionable. Yet throw it all had complete faith in myself, when know thyself nothing can hurt MI including their lies.
It is different if the problems others have with the person's behaviour have arisen independently of your own conflict with them, right? I agree, it isn't productive to bring it up but sometimes it helps, especially if they are actively gaslighting and the 'triangulation' can corner them into admitting to a problem
There are so many good, wonderful and loving people in the world. No Contact is important and effective to break free from an abuser. Healing, learning to set boundaries and reconnecting with your internal wisdom can help you reconnect with the world after an abusive relationship. 💜
it has been 2 yrs since I broke up with the narcissistic guy. why is he still doing this? its so stupid because people already know my character and they stand up for me. he's been in 2 so-called relationships and this last one was a histrionic. she just made him look like a fool. used him.
He does this because it is who he is... have you ever heard the parable of the scorpion and the frog? Check it out on my Facebook Page facebook.com/DrDeniseGlassmoyer/photos/a.1509027302736155.1073741828.1501257660179786/1517517845220434/?type=3&theater
My friends and family disliked the narcissist they tolerated him for my sake. Not everybody supports the narcissist which is why move you into their circle (web) of influence.
You are absolutely right Steven. My channel is simply designed for a primarily female audience. This cruel behavior certainly is not gender specific and also can happen in all types of relationships. Sorry to hear you are going through this. 💜
Dr. Denise Dart Matthew 18:15-17 New International Version (NIV) Dealing With Sin in the Church 15 “If your brother or sister[a] sins,[b] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[c] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Someone was trying to get me to say the Bible teaches one thing. She said it taught something else. I went to get another person to help calm our fight and she said that was triangulation. I thought it was just getting a second witness to help solve a conflict.
Hello Dr Dart. I feel a little confused. During our relationship, I know my ex talked bad about me to his family and maybe some of his closer friends, but I did too. I tried talking to him first but he couldn't/ wouldn't talk about anything important. Eventually I got him to attend family counseling and there we could discuss some things but on some issues he would just deny we had any conflict or problem, until we got home again. I tried a few more counselors and he would do the same thing. Then I tried going by myself for help but telling about the things my ex was doing. Eventually I started telling my friends....I felt like I was going crazy and I needed help / perspective. Does that mean I was triangulating?
Reaching out for support is not the same as conducting a smear campaign by drawing others in. Often the abuser will talk badly about their significant other even during good times.
Women do it to towards other women. Two women did the smear campaign on me both are in the helping business to help low-income people but they both are selfish and controlling. But one of them quite. But the other one I have to deal with until next year.
I wish this hadn't been so gendered. Men can definitely, and horribly, experience emotional abuse. I have been through a lot of the things described here, but am the victim, not the perpetrator. If possible, moving forward, it would be wonderful if you could bear in mind that husbands aren't always the baddies and wives are not always the goodies in these kinds of scenarios. ☺
Hi Martin, I originally designed this for a primarily female audience and planned to create a parallel channel to speak directly to men. You are absolutely right that this is not a gender specific issue. If you can get past the pronouns this applies to males and females a like. This channel took off as did other areas that required my attention, so the second channel never happened.
I hope you reply...in the video, you mentioned no contact and how a narc hates this...this worries me because I went no contact and moved 5 hours away...will he continue to haunt me?
My sister destroyed my relationship with almost everyone I know. It took 7 years to figure it out. These people are sick and flat out evil. There’s a special place in Hell for them.
So true! My ex narc had me and his whole family believing his 2nd wife was horrible. I then was the next victim. When I discovered he was triangulating me with another woman I discarded him and the smear campaign began. The flying monkeys aka his family treated me like I never existed. They all did their obligatory duty to continue to support him with new supply. So disgusting how the narc gets everyone to partake in their bad behavior.
The narcissistic playing the victim soo well that they should recieve
an Oscar of the year.
I can relate to having everyone turned against you. This has happened to me but why would they eagerly believe It?
You believed him /her in the beginning?
It’s so hurtful that someone you love can be so deceitful and cunning. How can they look at themselves in the mirror and how can his family and friends believe the BS?!???
Absolutely! It's so important that we shine a light on this form of abuse.
Thanks for being so beautiful and gracious in your delivery. You truly are a light. The narcs get very angry when people like us get compliments and they don't. It drives them crazy. Especially the psychopath low on supply has a problem with this.
This was so validating!! Thank you, Dr. Glossmyer! I have experienced this, and it just blew me away. I was a few months into my 2nd marriage, when I heard my husband on the phone with one of his grown daughters, relaying a distorted version of a disagreement he and I had over a relatively minor issue. I realized then, that nothing was out of bounds in our relationship for him to discuss with her. He refused to discuss the matter with me.I ended up writing him a letter which I found in the trash the next day. We had dated over a year, had months of in depth premarital counseling, and, I thought both of us were really committed to making our marriage work. He had pretty much held his love bombing act together until shortly after our honeymoon. After months on end of his refusing any intimacy, his electing to sleep on the sofa, his doing other things to emotionally wound me, I consulted a lawyer. After refusing my many pleas to get help for our marriage, I told him I was leaving. I arranged for a moving van, rented an apartment, and 7 months out, am beginning to heal. It has taken so much out of me, because I actually was SO IN LOVE with who I now see was just a figment. There was no real person there. With counseling, a lot of reading, and watching videos like yours, I am beginning to understand more about these people. Thanks again.
It would have gotten worse with time...
In my narc experience, sh!t hit the fan rather quickly-because I stood up for myself. It IS true that I spoke to "mutual" friends about what was happening (mostly conveying that I didn't know WHAT was happening) but clearly the narc was telling them something entirely different. I never got it out of them but I was, apparently, not cast in a very good light as they mostly sided with her. I felt completely betrayed and to this day I am still somewhat resentful and distrustful. Probably not an uncommon experience.
Mine has a vast army of people he used to support himself, their needs wishes & wants were always put ahead of the needs of the relationship. Sam Vaknin describes the partners of narcissists as their “insignificant others” I always felt that I was insignificant & that our relationship was of no great importance to the ex N. So glad to be working free of all that sticky dark mess.
My ex filed divorce without telling me. He said that someone was waiting with papers at the door. Then people backed away from me because he had smeared my name telling others I was evil and he never loved me. All my stuff was thrown away and attys found out that he had cleaned out our personal acts and invest funds. Well in the end, people could see who the real villain was in our relationship. He has yet to follow any of our court orders and has not spoken to me since I signed the papers at the door for the divorce. He was a nightmare... I am surprised that I am still sane...
Thank you for standing with all of us and providing the info we need to work through the damages.👏🙏
My abuser actually said that verbatim several times in early days, when acting all magnanimous about our differences in reconciliation phases right after his minor freakouts (leading up to the first narcissistic rage): "I want you to be yourself. _I will learn you_ ."
So disturbing.
Thank you for revealing the subtle erosion of good standing. The guided perceptions of those around you can have a real-world impact on one’s health and legal/financial outcomes. Your observations are very validating.
I would like to add to the first scenario, the narcissist stating to the victim “how awful it is to talk about their partner behind their back to other friends/family”. This tactic is used to prevent the victim from talking about the narcissist bad behavior to other people. The victim will trust and respect this is the moral code he follows and the victim would feel guilt if he/she broke that code of moral conduct. This also provides additional isolation to the victim.
I divorced a narc husband in the mid 1980's after a hellish 6 years of marriage. I could NOT go "no contact" because we had joint custody. Decades later, I'm still finding new people he used for triangulation. He told anyone who would listen that I had been diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic - which is a total LIE! Besides, family, friends, acquaintances, clergy, counselors, he targeted my new step-mother and her kids, in order to make yet another attempt to turn my father against me. (They all still lived in the same town after I moved away, and ran in the same circles.) It worked to some extent.
My father even made my step-sister executor of his will. He said it was more expedient, so she could take care of his medical bills, etc., as he had lung cancer.
But it confirmed to that side of the family that I was a "black sheep", not to be trusted. He did however make sure I was the majority beneficiary of his inheritance.
Somehow, I never felt like he really wanted me to have it.
This behavior is so insidious and evil, and its effects can be so devastatingly long-lasting and pervasive, I'm glad knowledge of it is becoming more mainstream and well-known. Hopefully, it will help prevent people from going what I went through. My ex is currently with wife #4. I regularly pray for her.
Narcissistic abuse is the worst.....A mother, siblings and everyone I had dated up to 50! AHA! Best and worst moment of my life👍
I think that when your family and friends turn against you because of a narcissist they were never really for u and that they are asleep spiritually .. being born into a manipulative family and me not being a manipulator has shown me bothsides .and now i trust my own judgement better than ever i refuse to be anybodys fool .
Just stumbled upon this and when my ex and I began our decline I learned her stories and lies to everyone around us, and realized the only way to stop this behavior was to have them in the same room and confront these issues. Once I realized she NEVER wanted her mom and me in the same room, and so on. I realized her stories from person to person were totally different and once all of these different pieces of the puzzle were in the same place at once, the stories/lies began to be noticeable by all parties invovled. I just wish you wouldn't consistently direct the negativity in this towards men, because I have battled this for a very long time and couldn't find answers , we were just told by many counselors it was bi-polar. But it just felt like so much more than depression or manic highs and lows, it was much more deviant, and dark.
This is really on point and I have been fighting this battle in prayer and only God can help in certain areas.
Very disturbing...so clear in hindsight but much less so when initially said.
This is precisely where the shock and cptsd come in. You don't realize that the person you gave 100% to has been talking smack behind your back, the whole time, since day one. that they were completely fake and devoid of human capacity.
Some people in society just brush it off and say, you should have seen the signs.
Or, they might think that you were such a bad partner that they can understand why your husband/wife was so angry at you.
The smear campaign starts right away. Week one. week two of the relationship.
My ex narcissist long term boyfriend life partner preached about how people are jealous and we should keep our business to ourselves. Everyone else is out to get us because they are jealous.
But, he would tell people things about me that weren't true.
What i thought was weird after he was gone, is that he had been packing for a year acting like he wanted to work things out with me. The whole time preaching about how his ex wife was cheating on him while pretending to work things out and that is why he is so frustrated in life.
After he and i being together for 12 years, he was using his ex wife as an excuse to cause havoc in my life and blame me for everything that was his problem in life.
the nerve of him. Lying about me behind my back, triangulating me with stress and worry that is false and has the nerve to continue to tell people what a witch i was.
I could have had him sent to jail for a few months but, i wanted nothing more to deal with him.
i have a debt to pay of the 12 year relationship but, i don't want to deal with him and when the narcissist left, of course i was in debt.
they think money grows on trees. well, your money that is. they don't care if you dig ditches or have a high stress job. your money is their money. the entitlement is another book.
They need people to sanction their shit and cover up for their abuse. Its the only way a narc can continue to get away with his abuse and never ending desire for control.
Thank you, I like your style & very supportive sharing of helpful information. I can no longer have contact with my exes daughter & son, when I told them years ago how he was behaving towards me, their reply was to say that their mom said exactly the same thing, almost word for word. We broke up for the second time & his daughter & I were looking forward to seeing each other again very much. I know that the story that he will have been putting around will be all about him being the good guy & being used & abused by me. I’m not going to argue, defend, explain or justify so I have to acknowledge that I’ve lost the chance to rebuild my relationship with his grown up children. There are two sides to every story.
My ex narc never wanted to introduce me to his family and he would always tell me that he was abused as a child and all this crap. For almost six years I was with him and he never introduced me to any of them. Well he was recently in a bad car accident (he was out getting drunk of course) and was in the hospital and when I got there all of his family was telling me to leave the room. That I had no business being there and all this stuff and I didn't know what to do because I wasn't married to him I didn't really have any say-so over anything. So I just left until they left. Well I went back inside and was holding his hand while he was on a breathing tube and finally he woke up and it wasn't long when his family came back and you know what he did? He started triangulation right there in the hospital room. He wanted me to seem crazy in front of his family because that's what he had been telling them about me all along. He was whispering in my ear that he wanted me to stay but was acting like he didn't know why his family didn't like me and was acting like he didn't know why they wanted me to leave. It was the craziest thing I've ever been through in my entire life! Needless to say after another week or so of being triangulated with his family I got out of there! I couldn't believe he was doing this to me at a time like this and of course he turned everything around on me and is probably still telling everyone that I left him at a time like this! I knew he was toxic and insane and dangerous but I still didn't think he would do something like that to me after almost dying. (And by the way he was out drinking and cheating on me when he got into this wreck and his best friend died in the accident) they have no shame in what they do to us💔
my narc. triangulated me to his grown son, and his fiance, had an affair and brought this woman to his house. she wrote our relationship was volital and he needed to leave me... we had never had a bad argument till then...... Thank you for doing these videos. These monsters are truly POS.
Triangulation was the only form of communication that went on in my family. It's like growing up with a disability - by the time you're an adult, you have messed up ideas about relationships and communication.
Thank you for this video brings clarity to what I experienced.
Glad it was helpful!
Yes, my narc ex made me promise to only talk to him about our issues and to keep our personal stuff between us. I found out on numerous occasions that he'd been talking badly about me to his friends, family and even random strangers he'd meet in bars, etc. It is truly disgusting the way they behave.
Example: after having lied to me and upsetting me one particular evening, I called him back after he hung up on me (one of his favorite tactics to control) and he refused to answer. I later found out he'd been with a close friend whom he'd talked very badly about me to. When I had called him and he refused to answer, he'd actually shown his friend that I was calling and then set the phone down. His friend asked why he didn't answer. My ex said "It's complicated".
HE made everything complicated but never failed to place all blame on me. It was truly disgusting.
I found out I was being triangulated by my soon to be ex wife with 6 people. My stepson, my mother in law, her bit on the side and 3 of her friends. The mother in law, her bloke and the friends I couldn't give a shit about but I've actually been very good to my stepson over the years. More of a father to him than his actual father who he has nothing to do with. Quite despicable having him brought into this mess rather than just talk to me about what issues she had in our relationship. I'm currently divorcing her.
I just got hoovered by triangulation this weekend. I went no contact with my narcissist mother and enabling father about 2 years ago. After several useless 'talks' and attempts to repair the relationship, my wife and I laid a boundary and said no more talks. We said that we either move forward, with equal respect to each family member, or we don't. So of course, they have made repeated attempts to have one of these talks, even though we said we won't do it. Back in August, in the birthday card my parents sent, they put a piece of paper in it with an offer to meet with their ex-pastor, who also did our wedding! They have been talking to him about our situation for months, smearing us I'm sure, and they think it's a good idea for this person to be a unbiased mediator? That's hilarious! It said that if they don't hear from me, they will take it as a no, and we will continue the relationship as is. So of course I didn't respond, foolishly taking them at their word that no response meant declining this offer. So on the Dec 16th, my Anniversary (these folks really like to bring this crap on special occasions!) the pastor reaches out and sends me an email, restating his offer to help with this. Of course, it is clear in his writing that he thinks my parents are just lovely, faithful people who just want to reconnect, and he has completely bought my mother's spin of only the best intentions, and is just a poor victim of her horrible son and daughter-in-law. Any advice on how to respond? Probably the best action is not to respond at all, but I hate feeding this image that we are jerks, and ignoring an email will just be further proof to them. I also know that if I respond, I cannot give any information whatsoever, especially not our side of the story. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
SO POINT ON! Thank you for explaining it in a way that easily explained and covered the topic well! 💯
I like when you give examples. Because everytime you do I'm like, "yes, yes..."
God gave me the strength to go "no-contact" after a 30 year relationship and 28 years married to my NPD grandiose husband; as he had gathered his series of flying monkeys in the business I founded - and then shared with him. Only through the absolute grace of God and His strength would a no-contact method work - since I was a co-dependent all of our lives. I did not fight for the business, I did use legal methods to attempt to get a fair share - but the absolute freedom and relief from triangulation, gas-lighting, projection and the canvas of my own life (being re-painted) was worth so much more than a true half of all I had provided. Life after NPD is abundant! Self-confidence and monetary security can be re-built.
Absolutely spot on. Thank you for this
It is especially difficult when the narcissist is one of your parents.
Yes it is, very painful and confusing.
I got caught in a triangle. They were trying to pull my gf into it against me.
A male friend is the narcissist, his gf cheated on him and to save herself they sought to paint me the villian. I tried to explain the trap our female friend is in. Pointed out examples of so many signs.
He was constantly bad mouthing her out of earshot, everytime they had a fight, he would and still does run to her dad and sister and neighbors to tell her how terrible she is. She was in a bad relationship and got pregnant wanted to do adoption but this guy came in and "made" her keep the child. Seemed like a saint. But once the girl was about 2 he stopped carring. Still interacts just actted indifferent. Overhead him tell the little girl her mom was a evil B.
They took a "break" at one point she went back to her parents, and he "won" her back by buying a house, she is on the loan. Then got her pregnant. She used to work nights at the irs but switched to mornings for him. She didnt like it, was visibly upset more. So i asked one day thinking nothing of it. If she planned on going back to nights, she answed "maybe" and he flipped out. Saying you dont care about us or your family, go then blah blah blah. Every fight he threatens he will take the kids he has more money and the courts will side with him etc. Because of all this I am the bad guy now.
This certainly happened to me. I took in a deeply depressed relative. As soon as he became manic he started doing very destructive things to my home and property, losing, giving away and breaking my dearest and most expensive possessions and having sudden outbursts at me whenever I tried to find ways to prevent all this loss. He had a sycophant friend, my neighbor and family friend who was basically like a vicious chihuahua lapdog - ready to snarl at friends and enemies alike. Apparently he told this woman every fault or offense he saw in me in an exaggerated way. She then called every member of my family and repeated these things with an added dose of her own opinions. Fortunately my family was much less naive than I had been at the time I took this relative in and they did not buy into it. In the past year I took this relative in again when he was badly injured and then, depressed. His sycophant looked at me as a heroine, but I sensed this would end the moment that my services declined. He became wildly manic, moved back home, borrowed money he wouldn’t pay back and the two of them apparently thought I would be a 24-7 911 service and would drop everything happily to rescue him from every self-induced predicament. When they found out that I was less than eager to do this, he pretty much dropped contact and she has cut me off completely. I am enormously relieved. My brothers have told me that if I ever take in this relative again that they will remove him from my home. I downsized to a 2 bedroom trailer after he practically destroyed my 3 bedroom home. Maybe my next stop is a tiny house. Maybe my shed would convert?
There's a part of me that feels I shouldn't need to defend myself from the lies my Narcissist wants to spread about me. People are going to believe what they WANT TO BELIEVE. Sure it hurts, but who are these people anyway. Did they ever come to me and ask me about it. Did I ever do something that they saw that would lead them to believe what he was says is true??? People believe what they want... If they really knew me,... they would never believe what he says. My Narcissists spread negativity about me for years while I was to busy taking care of OUR father, single-handedly. Now that my dad has passed, I expected to go live in a that small town but I am now so vilified there that.... I don't dare step foot into.... This should be criminal!!! It's so painful. People don't even know me, I haven't been there in years, but it seems a nasty reputation proceeds me. I'm the talk of the town, one person let out.💔
he's talking about you to whomever is breathing... including ppl new on his list of tricks, like girl friends....
or what about a mother that has. scape goated one daughter an told lies all around the world to family, and teachers, and neighbors. all lies, horrible lies.
Good video. It's amazing that 10th grader cheerleaders mean girls tactics actually works on adults. Maybe because adults aren't expecting such.
Thank you for the videos. I wish I'd had and listened to this information years ago. Still healing and learning!!
This is happening to me by my family members and my exnarc. THey come off as being the good ones and victims have made me out to be crazy or lazy, off balance, not good enough etc.
It's so disturbing bcuz my mom had a stroke and is in denial that his is going on.
Why does the narcissist use the smear campaign behind one's back? Oh, I see why, to be able to suck in new supply, and to validate his cheating! This is so difficult to understand being a kind hearted person!!
It is very hard to understand! It makes no sense when you would not even consider hurting someone in this way and yet for the Narcissist it is quite predictable. If you are on the receiving end of a smear campaign the best thing to do is just hold your head high and get on with your life. Eventually the truth will be apparent. It is important to remember that "other people's opinions about you are none of your business." (source unknown) :-)
Thank you . Your videos are so helpful!
Thank you for the video...very validating and informative. My brother and wife are narcissistic and I am there target by design.
I really appreciate this video lol wow, does it ever sound familiar! total crazy making situation!
Yup I've experienced this all too much. It's downright traumatic
It is definitely traumatic 💜
The problem is that the victim tries with zero resolution to communicate on many levels from various learning styles to remedy a situation to ZERO avail. Given that, the victim is at a frustrating loss, and goes to anyone to talk about the actual lies, control, manipulation from the narc sociopath.
Try to no avail is absolutely right. The N is motivated to avoid understanding and/or resolution to achieve and maintain power and control in the relationship. Crazymaking!
I can so relate to this subject!!!
You are so right omg this is what has happened to me
I'm so glad I found you! Thank you!!
This is why, in my personal situation with my narcissistic mother, I am glad that, although I’ve told others of things she’s done, which may also be considered to be a smear campaign - the police have records of her behavior, as well. I KNOW she HATES that. Because narcissists HATE records and because she can’t gaslight them.
Great video Denise; I've got a request I'm sure you've been asked to cover by many. Topic; the narc replaces you and the new relationship looks totally different: traveling together, long term, families involved....
My ex's new couple makes me seriously doubt his npd: I managed to keep a very strict no contact for months but yesterday I couldn't resist snooping in his IG and found out he is in his homeland with his gf and he's spending family time with her. They're on the other side of the world. It tore me apart when I thought I made some progress in the recovery; how can I put the narc harem, the hot and cold and all of his BS against this? Taking sb home is one huge step and I am not sure if this is all part of playing the 'normality in your 30s life', while with me and the ones before it was pure narc hell. I got to say that he also introduced me to his parents via Skype (this is Europe and his family is from Argentina), even when we kept on fighting and he literally said 'when i'm tired of this relationship, i'm out!'. So deep down I know the 'perfect fiance role' could still be a charade. Can you share your experience on it?
I'm happy to do a video on this. It's a great topic that impacts many people in recovery from toxic relationships. Stay tuned! I'll post within the next week or so.
Great video, thank you! Take care!
It's really warped and twisted and I'm being triangulated by a psychopath who I actually never had a relationship with. I used to like him but no longer. Gee you gotta wonder why right?? .and he enlists some woman I don't know to gladly play the role of manipulating me. To try and manipulate me into giving him another chance at dating. He's been extremely abusive to me and controlling and has hacked my computer. Its so severe to the point that she makes what's going on between me and him the center of her social media page. That's how ill both these individuals are. I don't know him very well and her I never even met!@ I want nothing to do it but he won't leave me alone.
Thank you... it happens reversing the genders as well....
It sure does!
I need your advice so bad Dr. Dart. My narcissistic 75 year old mother died two weeks ago and she caused me so much anxiety with her lies, she lied about every text I sent her and now the entire family thinks I emotionally abuser her for years and even one brother accused me of her death, my father wants nothing to do with me. All this because they believed her lies. I have no family now and had to grieve my mother death alone. I have tried many times to get my family to hear my side but they wont. One brother even said he would charge me with harassment all because I have texted my dad asking why I'm being disowned. I for years have tried to get my truth but they would never listen to me. This has been the worst experience in my life losing my family to my mothers lies. But I still love her and grieve everyday.
+Deborah Rieks Deborah, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. If you don’t have a therapist yet I believe that would be a good thing to do. What you describe is so complex and so painful. 💜
Again, spot on. My bf of 16 years has been setting it up so that his family and friends think im a heavy load to carry with all of my mental disorders. WHAT?! Anyway, then years later he is telling me how they all think that he should have left me a long time ago because Im so crazy and too much work for him to deal with.
"Fine, leave me.,,PLEASE!"
lol
How did I get here? How did I let this happen to me? Im so dissapointed in myself.
Try to be compassionate with yourself. If the Narcissistic person presented themselves as they truly are very few would get drawn in. You believe what you were promised.
My ex and his new wife have made many attempts and have gone above and beyond to put me behind bars with false police reports and the courts and families etc. it’s a sickening and disturbing way of existing. Luckily the universe works wonders and another door opens for me. 🙏
you said youre in Scottsdale.. oh my goodness!.. waiving from nw valley near arrowhead. 😀
but other than this, I find this very helpful to understand what's been going on with greater depth
This is so evil. Has anyone ever had an experience with a narc who didn’t cheat? Bc I’ve never heard any experience where the narc didn’t cheat
My life. . . I get told "(inserts name), also agrees with me that you do (whatever he wants to say). I often think he is just lying.
He lied about me in court, tried to get my daughter taken away after she was born, said I slammed his head into the closet door. I never laid hands on him. My biggest mistake was getting back together with him early on. I was at my almost strongest point, believed the hoovering, and got sucked back in, again. Here I am 3 & 1/2 years later and finally finally waking up. I wrote him a letter today telling him why I do not want to be with him. YES!!!!!! I went through that behind the back thing before and see him replaying patterns again now also.
I've got such a colleague. WAUW, I have had issues right from the start of my life with narcesistic abuse from my mother after that I married ' my own mom ' . Meet some ' friends' that used my. And finally, last (hope so) but not least a co worker. The Hilarious part is, I have her the job. So I'm a 63 old woman who is really at the and of the rope. Hope my English is not to bad, I come from the Netherlands so it's not my first language. I'm very happy you do understand the dynamic of this crazyness because nobody around me understand a bit about it.
wow. that explains a lot of what happends. i have no words.
and tank you for twist video
great video.
That's what my mother did with her sister talking about me when I'm not there. She got addicted to her attention and she prohibited visiting my aunt, so I wasn't able to tell her the truth.
Emotional abuse certainly is not limited to intimate relationships. So hurtful!
Right, spot on! This is what my ex husband did with his parents and family. Fake, malicious liar...
Great video yes this is exactly what they do their master deceivers
Happening to me now at my place of employment.
Yes! Have you ever seen a mother do this to their daughter? My mother is like a manly spider that has nothing better to do but to pin people against each other and create situations to where I try to leave and not only does all my money disappear but she calls the police or those Baker Act people on me and sets up a situation I have no clue to what’s going on and the police say how could I not know but I really don’t and after awhile I just gave up and let her do whatever she wants to me. I am no match for her. She is threatening a lawsuit on my local abuse shelter who tried to help me and is attacking the individual personal lives of my victim advocate group so now everyone is scared to continue helping me. I would be half way across the world right now if my narc mother had not stolen my two year old son with lies and is delusional telling people he is her child. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Im new to this terminology, my relationship with narc ended 12 years ago. We share a child. 5 years ago he moved in w woman who is also narc and my child lives with them. The last five years I've spent defending my shared parental rights, legally. I realize I've been a target of a 12-year smear campaign. I can't go no contact and I'm not sure how to proceed. I can't find an attorney who's not narcissistic.
It’s very difficult stuff. There are good attorneys out there and it can make all the difference when they understand the personality dynamic. You may want to check out Bill Eddy’s High Conflict Institute. Lots of great information!
Not just ladies...
Happens to us fellas too.
Narcissism isn't gender specific.
You are absolutely right! My channel was initially designed for a primarily female audience. I did a video specifically on the fact that this is not a gender specific issue. In many of my older videos I used pronouns appropriate for a female audience. Thanks for taking the time to leave feedback.
An ex friend has done this to me shes got lots of friends involved now and they have all turned against me. She is making out she is the victim i didn't do the school to take my daughter for a while since going back nobody is speaking to me now she has been bitching about me i didn't even know it was happening until i went back to school then everyone turned against me she's lied a lot about me. X
Here are some of my narcissistic sister's texts after her narcissistic daughter/flying monkey physically attacked and hurt me. Notice in the texts that there is no apology to me for her daughter's rage and attacking a disabled elderly person. I did not respond to my sister's texts. See how she tries to control my feelings, choices, my future...according to her. This narc rage chaotic drama took place on my birthday a few days ago- preplanned so my children and grandchildren would be there at my party to witness the craziness, destroying any happiness I, and they, might have. Gaslighting, Triangulation, Flying Monkeys galore! Wow! I am looking for a place to live and will be here another week. Your videos will see me through. Sister has tried every trick in the narc playbook....
"You have a lot the be grateful for- ask God and your Family for forgiveness - a very ugly side of you reared it's head. Whose going to be the winner God or ??? You're not thankful and have a lot of hate towards me, Lisa, Bella, and Olivia.
Ask your kids because they were witnesses. Lisa is not off the hook either. "
"I am saying this because the story has to have a better ending. I have plenty of faults and lose my temper too. This is the Repetitive story over a life time: you are loved I just don't love your demons.
Running away started at 16...
So 50 years of this is enough. Slamming doors, hiding in your room for days, screaming on top of your lungs, threatening to call the police, moving out. I am clear this is what happened with Jacqui too. You play the victim very well. Who needs that! Let the victim go. Certainly no way to spend your golden years."
"Outcomes as I see them-
1. Everyone says sorry and the same thing happens again 6 mos down the road. I won't have that.
2. You move away and then end back with me. Same arguments happen again repeat performance. I won't have that either.
3. You move and because of spite don't tell anyone where you are - you've been there done that.
4. Go to counseling with me - work out the animosity on both sides. You can stay as long as you and Lisa work it out - you are not hateful towards my family. Both of us Follow Drs orders.
5. Best plan is you move to your own place - your own space - no eggshells, no big sister to constantly be grateful towards or but be close to family for your health and knowing where you are and have contact for family get togethers - we go to counseling - everyone says sorry and the repetition ends."
"That sounds better to me. "
"I did not kick you out
There are conditions to stay"
(Yes she did tell me to leave)
"Live your Life Sister I don't want to deal with any of it.
I am a controller
Thank God for that!"
"You are nuts...
I don't know what violence I have done - I don't physically attack you?
You have a very distorted view of things.
I'm sick of dealing with your baggage which is so heavy it'll take an army to carry it. Your kids and grandkids I love them but don't support their bs either. Some are doing great because they want a different life then the one they were dealt and some will go down the same sorry road. I have nothing to do or say about it."
(The last time I moved out my sister pushed me across the kitchen. She is much larger than me. I ran to my room. She chased after me and cornered me there. When she balled up her fist to hit me, I said I would call the police on her. That stopped her. I am 66 years old and can't take this anymore. Moving in and out is physically hard with a disability. )
My toxic co-worker has done a smear portfolio against another co-workers last year and against me this year.
My boss is now requiring quarterly process review meetings where he has to talk to me face to face and even HELP me!
Bwuahahaha! 😈😈😈
Sorry Not Sorry!
Is this different than processing your relationship with another person? I have been so confused and hurt in this relationship I've felt the need to talk about it with other people because I don't know which way is up. Is this the same as triangulation? I'm not trying to bad-mouth my partner I'm just trying to figure out whatever is going on with other people that I trust because I can't figure out what is real half the time!
I have to ask, though. Narcissists tend to dismiss or discredit the concerns of others when being confronted about their behavior. After several attempts to address the behavior with no change resulting, it stands to reason that a target is going to seek the advice of those who are close/genuine acquaintances/family members. When does this become triangulation -- especially after the narcissist has been confronted and (in true fashion) continues with the same dysfunctional/abusive behavior?
Valerie Kelley this is exactly what I was thinking! the whole time I was watching this I was think omg I'M the narcissist. I understand it doesn't make "gossiping" any more right but in my own personal experience I got to where I didnt openly talk to my ex or confeont him directly because it got down played as if I was overreacting all the time, he would flip it on me or he would pretend to be concerned just to turn around and do the same thing. I got to where I would vent to those around me, seeking validation that I wasn't crazy or overreacting. A lot of my family did start to see him in a different light due to that and a lot of his family has limited contact with him now too most of which was his own doing.
Valerie Kelley ... Thank you for your comment. I came to the internet today seeking "support " or relief of this internal emotional pain I'm feeling. I never see the "trap" coming & today is no different. I feel so alone dealing with this pain alone. I just recently learned that what I'm going through actually exists elsewhere with other people & that this is what it is. I had never heard of any of this but reading comments by others & watching videos has given me so much support , just knowing that I'm not alone in this. I'm 33 yrs old & I truly feel like my mother despises me so much that she loves hating me or something. It completely consumes my thoughts & emotions directly after my mom "attacks me" or emotionally torture/abuses me. ... I never see it coming & then all of he sudden , Boom, there's a confrontation over absolutely nothing & I flee,, only to be left feeling completely drained & consumed by trying to understand what the heck just happened. I called my friend searching an outlet for this feeling, needing love & support, ... only to be left feeling worse.
It is very important to note that scientific studies show that that the distribution of male & female Narcissists is roughly 50/50. This is not the domain of only men, but equally shared with women!
Although this is not a gender specific. Problem, my channel is designed for a primarily female audience. These stats may be helpful “RESULTS: Prevalence of lifetime NPD was 6.2%, with rates greater for men (7.7%) than for women (4.8%).” www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/18557663/
The worst kind of narcissists are mothers. My parents were divorced and my mother was systemically tearing me down even as a little girl. I would cry to my father as a little girl on the phone and he would get frustrated and say, "Stop your bitching!" These wounds run deep.
It is so terribly painful when a parent behaves this way. Keep on your healing journey, with boundaries you will get better and better. 😘
Ive had ppl smear MI with their own vileness & disrespect their own allies by throwing them under the bus to get at MI. Theyve done background checks & anything MI said on behalf of MI completely true. Very documented & now everything they are looks questionable. Yet throw it all had complete faith in myself, when know thyself nothing can hurt MI including their lies.
This is my mother and ex husband they are the best at all this. Sick behavior 🙏🙏🙏
Not easy on you 💜
this also works the other way around, in situations when a woman is a narcissist.....
Oh yes they do!
It is different if the problems others have with the person's behaviour have arisen independently of your own conflict with them, right? I agree, it isn't productive to bring it up but sometimes it helps, especially if they are actively gaslighting and the 'triangulation' can corner them into admitting to a problem
No contact with humanity.
There are so many good, wonderful and loving people in the world. No Contact is important and effective to break free from an abuser. Healing, learning to set boundaries and reconnecting with your internal wisdom can help you reconnect with the world after an abusive relationship. 💜
The jedhi mind tricks are even worse
it has been 2 yrs since I broke up with the narcissistic guy. why is he still doing this? its so stupid because people already know my character and they stand up for me. he's been in 2 so-called relationships and this last one was a histrionic. she just made him look like a fool. used him.
He does this because it is who he is... have you ever heard the parable of the scorpion and the frog? Check it out on my Facebook Page
facebook.com/DrDeniseGlassmoyer/photos/a.1509027302736155.1073741828.1501257660179786/1517517845220434/?type=3&theater
My friends and family disliked the narcissist they tolerated him for my sake. Not everybody supports the narcissist which is why move you into their circle (web) of influence.
Jumping Jack
Same for me, my mother said he wasn’t right for me and that was on meeting him for the first time, I should have listened.
Lady A MAn isn't the onaly one weman can do the same thing I'm going trough it know with my wife
You are absolutely right Steven. My channel is simply designed for a primarily female audience. This cruel behavior certainly is not gender specific and also can happen in all types of relationships. Sorry to hear you are going through this. 💜
Well he was the undertaker. Ucgh. I hate smear campaigns
They are all the same its called evil...
Sometimes, a second person does need to be brought in though.
I guess that depends on what you mean when you say “brought in”
Dr. Denise Dart
Matthew 18:15-17 New International Version (NIV)
Dealing With Sin in the Church
15 “If your brother or sister[a] sins,[b] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[c] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Someone was trying to get me to say the Bible teaches one thing. She said it taught something else. I went to get another person to help calm our fight and she said that was triangulation. I thought it was just getting a second witness to help solve a conflict.
Hello Dr Dart. I feel a little confused. During our relationship, I know my ex talked bad about me to his family and maybe some of his closer friends, but I did too. I tried talking to him first but he couldn't/ wouldn't talk about anything important. Eventually I got him to attend family counseling and there we could discuss some things but on some issues he would just deny we had any conflict or problem, until we got home again. I tried a few more counselors and he would do the same thing. Then I tried going by myself for help but telling about the things my ex was doing. Eventually I started telling my friends....I felt like I was going crazy and I needed help / perspective. Does that mean I was triangulating?
Reaching out for support is not the same as conducting a smear campaign by drawing others in. Often the abuser will talk badly about their significant other even during good times.
My boyfriend does this.
Pay attention....I believe it was Maya Angelou who said, "When someone shows you who they are believe them."
WOW!
Women do it to towards other women. Two women did the smear campaign on me both are in the helping business to help low-income people but they both are selfish and controlling. But one of them quite. But the other one I have to deal with until next year.
I wish this hadn't been so gendered. Men can definitely, and horribly, experience emotional abuse. I have been through a lot of the things described here, but am the victim, not the perpetrator. If possible, moving forward, it would be wonderful if you could bear in mind that husbands aren't always the baddies and wives are not always the goodies in these kinds of scenarios. ☺
Hi Martin, I originally designed this for a primarily female audience and planned to create a parallel channel to speak directly to men. You are absolutely right that this is not a gender specific issue. If you can get past the pronouns this applies to males and females a like. This channel took off as did other areas that required my attention, so the second channel never happened.
Or by my exes ex boyfriend. By trying to eliminate me. Things were great.then things got weird
Wow ....
I hope you reply...in the video, you mentioned no contact and how a narc hates this...this worries me because I went no contact and moved 5 hours away...will he continue to haunt me?