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A beginners guide to setting boundaries
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- Опубліковано 14 сер 2024
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To the person reading this, repeat after me:
Boundaries teach people how to love and care for me. It deepens intimacy and love. It's safe to set boundaries.
How to respect you also as an human being and not a simply object.
Safe? How about it's good to set good boundaries.
"Setting boundaries" can be an underhanded tactic of unhealthy manipulation.
Maybe that is self-evident to everyone here than myself. Maybe not.
FTR: I have enacted more and more boundaries in my life, for greater health, peace-of-mind, proper care. When finally learning about boundaries, reading up on it, then setting out to create/stating/maintaining them more and more, it has been a VITAL tool in life. Peace, Grace, Truth, Love to you all.
thank you
My biggest struggle is staying consistent and being firm.
It is a practice. Stay compassionate with self!
I have to go to Codependents Anonymous face to face meetings and phone meetings and practice my recovery program every day, one day at a time.
I’m the same way
It is SO difficult to say no especially when you have been the (go to person all your life) I had to finally question what space I was operating from. Sometimes childhood traumas can have you accustomed to being a people pleaser. In order to get what ALL God has for us, boundaries MUST be established even with some family members!! I learned and it opened the doors to so many blessings because I MADE room! Great video!!
First of all : Practice makes perfect
Second understand that setting boundaries is a big change you re introducing, and your brain will try to retrieve to the old ways he knows already so well, challenge your brain on that, and nicely try to change that
I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family that had next to no boundaries. We always knew how my parents didn’t get along & I’d usually hear about the fights they had, sometimes in detail from my mom. When I got married I knew I didn’t want to be like my parents at any & all costs. One day my mom told me about one of the fights she had with my dad & I broke down (my dad and I have a strained relationship and I get kind of panicky when I’m forced to remember the fights and hostility in the environment from my childhood) I told my mom I didn’t wanna hear about her issues with my dad anymore and she started crying and said “she thought we could be friends and she could confide in me” I immediately felt terrible & told okay fine she can tell me about the things going on. I felt bad I had hurt my moms feelings & felt like a terrible daughter. My family sometimes tells me I’m “mean” and “moody” but they don’t understand how deeply their dysfunction and lack of boundaries has affected me as a person. I live several states away and I find that I am at peace living away from them because I’m only 22 & finally beginning my journey where all my hurt makes sense and I understand why I had been the way I was as a teenager. I don’t believe my family knows me anymore- they only know the hurt, angry teenager who had so much turmoil inside it’s insane. I’m so happy i found this UA-cam channel & I look forward to more f your videos as I progress in my journey. And mostly, thank you for the reassurance that doing things that resonate with ME isn’t a crime & im not a terrible person. Much love ❤️
Natalie G I also grew up in an enmeshed, dysfunctional family with parents fighting openly in front of me and my siblings, and my mum confided in me from as early an age I can remember. It messed me up so much and I grew up not understanding the importance of boundaries or having any sense of myself as a person.
I fully understand what you mean when you say you think that your family doesn’t know you anymore, but I’d like to share some of my reflections on my family if I may. I left home when I was 18. I always felt that my family didn’t know me at all. And now that I’ve reached the age of 57, I understand the difficulties that enmeshed relationships bring to each person in the family. Enmeshment prohibits the normal development of individuation which is the process by which each of us is supposed to become and individual in our own right. Families that are enmeshed don’t have boundaries and they tend to be tribal, or a better way of describing them is that they have a family identity and each person is expected to play their role in order to maintain the family identity. Enmeshed families believe that they are very close with one another. But sadly, because they are too close they cannot experience true intimacy and trust with one another. The enmeshment prevents this.
When I used to set a boundary with my family they would react as if I’d murdered somebody. It was way over the top. I have been estranged from my family for many years now. They discarded me because I dared to buck the family trend by becoming myself - an individual with a mind of my own. When I reflect on my family these days, I consider them to be the family that never was. Because it wasn’t a true family. Just a make believe show of what they thought a family should be.
I wish you all the luck on your journey in life. May you find peace and happiness in being your true self. 🙏❤️🙏
Natalie, this is so beautiful. Are you also following on instagram?
I can relate with you 100%. I also moved far far way due to the same reasons. I have come to realize that by setting the boundaries and doing the work for myself, it has helped them realize and do some of the work for themselves.
By helping yourself you are helping them too without having to say anything. Thanks for sharing and wish you the best on this life journey.
I can relate hardcore. I'm so glad you've got distance and are finding peace now.
Natalie G I relate to this so much. Thanks for sharing!
I often gave my abusive family money when I didn't have much to give. One day I told them to not contact me if all they want is cash. Haven't heard from them in about 18 wonderful years.
Same here...but we're better without them in our lives!
Venture B. How funny they doing it like this 😂
that just made me so sad,they could've atleast contacted you :(
Izuku Midoriya All good! I have family to love just not the was I was born with. Pretty fortunate in many ways.
Strength to u 🌼
My biggest struggle with boundaries is voicing them..I am scared of abandonment/shame/rejection in the face of voicing my needs and wants. My mom always did and said things since i was a baby to destroy any sense of autonomy within myself. If i spoke up against her/voiced my needs or wants (and even when i wouldnt ) i was punished, so i learned to keep my mouth shut. After a while of not being able to speak your truth, you begin to forget what it even is... so then its like a cycle. I get scared to speak, the pain of holding it in becomes too much, and my brain makes me numb and depressed as a survival skill to help me not feel the pain. Something has to give, and ive always been taught and reinforced by abusive people in my life that that something is always me. Right now im really stuck.. but this year more than ever before i have been using my voice. Ive been trying so hard. Even when enforcing my boundaries in itself can be triggering for me. Ill try to remember to be proud of myself for the small steps..and not be hard on myself when i feel lost sometimes. Keep reminding yourself of your truth.. so that you dont choose fear over it and lose yourself. If you keep you truth in your ears, it will be much harder to give up on yourself. You deserve someone that will honor your being, and that is you, first and foremost.
I had the same experience with my mom and setting boundaries has been an up and down process, but maintaining them and just keeping my vision up there has been better over time lol. It helps to see, where she is coming from, although it doesn't excuse any behaviour nor do I think "this is the way it should be", just because they are ok with dysfunction. I am not and I refuse to be. They can always replace my role unless they want to figure shit out too. We are all grown ups and capable and have the freedom to understand for gods sake lol. Stay focused in there and know there are plenty of people out there doing the same thing! I support you.
This is beautiful. Thank you for this
U were likely raised by a Narcissist.
Wow I could have written the same! I'm usually terrified to voice my boundaries... in a new relationship I'd surrender them all immediately and then later struggle to give them voice and later end up having a meltdown or being full of resentment... and/or depressed :/
You are so strong and you will get through this.
"Separate yourself from whatever the reaction is..."
Yes! This is so important.
I HAVE WRIITEN THIS PASSAGE DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPPER TO REMEMEMBER. I WILL TALK TO MY THERAPIST ABOUT THIS QOUTE. I AM WORKING ON CREATING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF RIGHT NOW'' I AM NOT YELLING AT YOU. I HAVE TO LEARN TO NOT USE CAPS LOCKS
@@sabrinasown lol
Amen
I grew up thinking that if I was always there for someone, they would always be there for me. And yeah, I thought it would be selfish to not support someone in that way, and thought it was extremely selfish that someone I was there for would never answer when I was the one who needed them. Finally realized I just ended up pouring away all my energy and not getting any back. It's been hard for me to re-think boundaries. 😔
Good job. I bet you're crushing life now. Same thing happened to me, except I did it with work instead of people lol. The crap they don't teach us young xD
Same with me... it’s the golden rule right? Treat people how you want to be treated... my therapist said that’s placing an expectation on someone else based on what I would do, and I should do something without expecting them to do the same , it leads to disappointment... slowly but surely I’m changing that, it’s really hard to change something that’s been drilled into our heads with the caveat that “this means you’re a good person”... I’m working on setting boundaries as well, I never want to seem mean or selfish but then I always am upset because someone oversteps a boundary they didn’t know I had...
My exact story. I am 45 and it will be new beginning for me too I feel better already !!!
one sided relationships sadly exist. no matter how nice or available you are , the other person can be rude or ignore you often. maybe even take advantage of u
A recent ex reached out wanting to video chat soon. My gut instinct was no. I came on UA-cam to procrastinate answering them, and this was the second recommendation. The universe has my back!! I watched for 2 minutes, started journaling my why, then wrote them back with my boundary. I feel so good about it! Thank you Dr Nicole!
Boundaries are hard in most situations I think, people tend to feel like they are being attacked or put aside when we implement them. As hard as that can be I believe that generally they are aware of why we are implementing them and rather than see their own issues they want to make them ours. Beginning to implement boundaries has been difficult but so important to my self growth and self care. What I’ve found is that I feel better and more whole and that’s what the plan was to begin with. If people can’t understand or accept the boundaries we need then it’s my opinion that sadly they weren’t really meant to be a part of our lives. It’s painful to let people go but in the long run the pain is shorter than a lifetime of pain that person or people can cause us.
Really resonate with this, Lisa. Thank you
Youre right. When we speak our boundaries it shines a light on everything. Some people cant handle that light, and because the light came from you, they blame /you/ for their actions because they cant take responsibility.
Im glad to see you and others speak of your courage to honor and respect yourself, when its the hardest thing to do. It sounds like you are recovering yourself and that is beautiful, and gives hope.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree, I took boundaries as like a "threat" and made me react cause I felt like I messed up.
Every morning I practice in my car saying "No! I don't like that"
I had a hard time identifying my emotions during the moment someone violated important not-yet set boundaries and my initial reaction would be to shut down. Doing this would make me the "villain" once I brought up how wrong whatever they did/said was when it was already too late. When I practice this phrase it helps me to remember to set "confident boundaries now" throughout my day when coworkers, friends, family, boyfriend, or random ppl at walmart etc try to treat me bad. It's hard because everyone is already used to me being a pushover but I need to honor myself and my emotions by speaking my truth! It feels so good! Practice is key 🔑 to breaking bad habits that existed my whole life until now! 💜
I had zero boundaries and suffered a lot because of it. I always believed those attacks that I was selfish for attempting boundaries. I could not break away from abusers who belittled me for my attempts to grow for many years up until more recently and now through healing an immense amount of trauma I have found that I had to completely cut off nearly everyone from my past. I had to start listening to what my therapist was saying and not what my instinct was, because my instinct was so wrong. These were people who also had ZERO boundaries and who would never accept my attempts to create them either because they were so foreign to them or because they destroyed their ability to manipulate me and use me. I found myself isolated after this, but also healing so much, only allowing people in my life who can maintain a distance that for me is still really difficult to do with those who push.
I love your video and you. Thank you for sharing.
I can relate to not understanding how to set boundaries. There is a period of isolation that can be painful. Sending you a lot of love on your journey.
Omg I needed to hear this this morning. My partner just left me after 8 long and amazing years together. I found out they were having intimate relations with someone else and it wasn’t until I confronted them that they decided to leave me. Fast forward a month later and they want to still be my “best friend” and ask that I still be emotionally available to them. I knew for me that would be horrible but I felt guilty and selfish for thinking I shouldn’t have to do that. After all they were the love of my life and best friend for over 8yrs. After watching this it affirmed that it’s okay to set boundaries for my own emotional well being. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for coming out of your own comfort zone and being on camera to help anyone and everyone who will listen! 🖤🖤
Lulu Thank you for sharing your experience. In my opinion they didn‘t leave because they wanted to have their needs of emotional availability and support fulfilled, but not to fulfill their side of really committing to you. Strangely as it sounds I have a similar situation with an ex- boss who fired me, but wants to „be friends“. I felt so discusted by their phoney behaviour, but couldn‘t understand how they could even think that was an acceptable way to treat me. I came to realise that I was not valued as a person, so my work wasn‘t valued either. My part in that was that I did not set enough boundaries and did not fight for the respect I think I deserve when it was time to do so. You helped me realise that. Thank you.
If you set "self" respect as a standard for yourself (you only need it from yourself).
Naturally, anyone who does not respect you WILL disrespect you.
💝 God Bless your beautiful souls :)
I was never allowed to define my own boundaries as a child. My dad (single parent) pretty much decided everything for me (only child). My way or the highway? There WAS no highway. My attempts to set a boundary were immediately put down. The effect this has had on my adult life has been devastating. Even though I was raised to be totally self-reliant, I'm only now beginning to see how codependent I've become. Thank you so much for this video and your efforts to help us!
This is absolutely alienating (& I do try to consider other people’s feelings when communicating) but I just freakin tell people & try to explain. I have been surrounded by people who are either utterly clueless, or entirely disrespectful of my boundaries, so now I just have to speak and say it. You cannot expect people to guess who you are. Articulate it!
I’m not a people pleaser anymore. They can walk if they want. Doormat is not on my radar. Love the vid! Merci😘
I grew up in a toxic environment where our feelings were never discussed so i kept everything inside and setting boundaries has always been hard for me because it's hard for me to say no and when I do speak up i feel i rend to get scared and i feel bad that i hurt that person. But now i see that boundaries are essential in healthy relationships and to put yourself first.
im just starting to learn this at 26 thanks to my gf. she made me recognize the effects and scale of this behaviour. also appropriated this behaviour after trying to be open with my parents. dont know why i couldnt accept the fact its not something thats going to change.
I have a hard time saying no and end up people pleasing constantly. As a result I struggle to create boundaries and consider my own needs and feelings. This is helpful, thanks.
Hello! My biggest struggle with boundaries is an intercultural issue. I was brought up initially by an English family when my birth parents were students in London. My natural inclination is to set boundaries based on what I first learned. In an African setting, this way of interacting is regarded as cold and I was guilt tripped by my birth parents through my adolescence into adulthood. Obviously, this issue has affected many choices I've made so far. I've found most peace in detaching myself from too much involvement in other people's lives.
Hi Juwon! This is such a unique cultural perspective. Thank you so much for sharing.
I can relate.
I’m more of an introvert so I have to set a time/energy boundary where I like to spend time in my room to recharge. Every time I do this it bothers my roommate. She thinks I’m being rude because I am less talkative with her and physically removed from her during this time. Even though I have explained to her why I do this. she always thinks that I’m upset with her. I’m now trying to move out because this has happened so many times that I no longer feel comfortable living together.
I think for her it's more about the pursuer and the withdrawer.
I can so relate to this! I realized that as I aged and became married with kids, it became easier. Older people understood and/or understood I was less available because of my family
Boundaries are super important. You matter! And you have a limited amount of energy. Protect your energy, the sooner you do this the better. Being a people pleaser isn't worth it!! ❤️
Thank you for this video, this made it finally clear for me. I come from a codependent family too. I am learning I am allowed to say no to people especially friends if I don't like something. I have been quiet for all of my life afraid of rejection. Now I am finding my voice at forty.
This was very helpful as I’m just now exploring setting my own boundaries. What I learned is that I also need to be better at respecting other’s boundaries. I understand now a fight I had months ago w/ my sister. She was trying to set boundaries and I totally didn’t respect or understand it at all. We have been distant since. I almost want to call her and apologize, but now I know better I will do better.
I’ve never been good at setting boundaries. I’m a people pleaser and I let people stomp all over me. As a result I’m angry and resentful a lot of the time because I feel like I’m always doing whatever everyone else wants and never what I want.
I’ve had a friend and her son living with me for over a year and a half. I offered to help her when she was getting out of a bad marriage, and I never anticipated she’d be living with me this long. I want her out. She has no intentions of leaving and I’m too afraid to tell her because she and her son have nowhere else to go and she can’t afford to live on her own. I’m afraid of ruining the friendship, but having her in my space is ruining my and my kids’ lives. How do I make a boundary so I can get my life and my space back?
I finally kicked her out right before the world went into lockdown! Just in time too. I can’t imagine what would have happened if we’d been trapped together all these months. We’re not friends anymore but it’s fine because I see her true colors now. Good luck with your situation! Taking back your space and your life is liberating! My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner!!
Robyn Kurdek currently in this same situation. Thank y’all for sharing your stories. I feel I’ve taken advice and validation about something that’s been an unhealthy living situation for about a year now. I would feel bad bringing this topic up to anyone , scared they’d think I’m a bad person for being in a similar situation as y’all... having back my living space.
Honestly this video is making me cry thank you sm fr. Just hearing u talk ab this is rlly helping. Honestly it’s so often j feel like nobody cares
9:32” I played a part in allowing this relationship to get to where it is now.”
This is so helpful. I recognise after being emotionally burnt out to the point of being constantly anxious that l need to protect myself and stop constantly being the rescuer. I have never even considered or known anything existed such as personal boundaries. No wonder, l've found myself ending up an emotional wreck after putting everyone else's needs at the top of my list and l'm nowhere to be seen. I really must learn this skill.
Maintaining is my biggest struggle. I feel like a nag when I keep bringing up when the boundary is crossed. But that is more of a reflection of them, huh? If they keep crossing the boundary. But I need to be consistent in the maintaining so It can be a firm boundary.
Erica Klang - I always think of it like this, “They don’t have a problem trying to CROSS the boundary... so I don’t have a problem MAINTAINING it...” Why should they be excused but you’re not?
I just realized within this past week that I do not recognize boundaries and do not have any. Someone told me recently that I crossed a boundary and when they told me what it was I was like "That is a boundary??" my definition of boundaries was covering your mouth when coughing and sneezing, or not reaching over someones plate to grab something.... I was taken aback when I was told I crossed a boundary because I pride myself in being respectful and I guess there is a silver lining between common courtesy respect vs boundaries. Boundaries I am assuming can be indirect? When a situation would arise, I would become distant and seemingly "cold"... that was me protecting and processing my feelings/thoughts - but because how it made HER feel - it crossed her boundaries because it made her feel low, not enough and small when I would get in that mood. The more I look into boundaries the deeper this becomes and I am learning it definitely is more than common courtesy and general respect. Thank you for this video Dr. Nicole
I'm learning the importance of boundaries i just turned 30 and really i feel as if I've been too much of people pleaser. I don't want to step on any toes and i wanted to be respectful. But in the process i lost a lot of respectful for myself. And i build resentment towards others for my needs not being met or feeling like im being taken advantage of. I learned that most of this was my fault. Fear of confrontation and a lack of self awareness put me in a tough spot. But you live and you learn. Thank you so much for the informative video😘💪🏿
I have been struggling my whole life with this. I was never really taught about boundaries. I have been a "people pleaser". Im 39 and starting to learn to set boundaries. Im enjoying my life more
Wow
I loved it ❤️❤️
"I never considered boundary as a thing to think about." But now, when I'm looking back, I realised, the relationships I had boundaries unconsciously are working smoothly, the way I want them to work, they all are satisfying.
But the one, in much I didn't considered boundary, was falling in love love n blind love, these relationships are discomfiting, they have high highs and low lows, they are not consistent, and most of the discomfort lies on me, the other person is enjoying everything, means the main command is one someone's hand, it should be equally distributed.
I had to step back because I was so available my sister actually stopped talking to me when I decided I didn’t want to go on vacation during a pandemic. I was floored like what have I created, I made myself so available it was like my life and choices didn’t exist.
Setting boundaries, yes, is soo huge as a newbie to it... yet look at what you’ve discovered.... Love this simplicity... create, state and maintain! Brilliant! Practice practice practice. It’s simple to recall when those boundaries are challenged. Thankyou.... Lots of love to you and all you do. Love Lili ❤️🌞🌻🤸♀️
A month later after making the above comment. It’s not always simple to remember Create, Sate and Maintain... maintain is definitely a work in progress. Still love this frame work. ❤️❤️❤️
I am a volunteer Peer Support person at a local rehab center, leading a number of classes on, among other things, "setting boundaries" for a first responder group (Because God has a sense of humor...I was horrid at this...) The 3 step process you outline is very helpful! - simple, yet thorough. In the current envoronment I plan to exphasize "state, DO NOT TEXT" your newly established boundaries. And to emphasize that boundaries - both ours and others' - can change over time if, e.g., trust is re-established.
Man, I identify so much with your journey. But you're a few steps ahead of me. That's so encouraging. You're proof of where I could be. Thank you
I'm currently just learning to set boundaries after 16 yrs in marriage where I never have and gave in to all his wants and desires. When I tried to stand up for my wants it got met with name calling, guilt tripping, and ultimatums. I have recently chosen to break this cycle, it's not going well. Major cornering but I'm trying to stay firm without breaking down.
I am so happy someone finally explained it clearly and simply.
Thanks for the great & openly honest talk! ❤️ My greatest struggle right now is just feeling that my needs & emotions & boundaries are VALID. I always want everyone‘s boundaries to be respected except my own.
I‘m quite at the beginning of the journey, you could say...
I LOVED your input on meditating, reflecting honestly about the relationships in our lives & seeing how we would like them to change & how we would like to create change 🌱
I grow up knowing nothing about boundaries, being a very kind person who always wants to help and give others what ever they asked for anytime, I finally woke up discvering the great damage I am doing twards my self, I really miss my self so deeply. I want to recreate my personality knowing that the best way to connect with others regardlesd of how close they are to you is through making clear boundaries, When I started to do this it felt so weired but now I have a great feeling 🎈🎈🎈
Thank you for all this wonderful content. I am getting into all of your videos, book and Instagram content as I try and heal. This video in particular is very timely for my experience. My parents had a very codependent relation and often brought the fight to my room and my father was always in competition with the attention my mother placed on me. He is an addict and I felt very unsafe throughout childhood and left early. I recently lost my mom and while she was sick till last week he has been awful, competing with who is grieving more, telling me our relationships were different and I didn't lose anyone because my husband was alive and calling me from my mom's phone. I asked and stated very assertively to never do that and last week he did twice within 24 hours and I am not currently speaking to him. I feel like I'm being retraumatized all over again after it took me to my late 30s to finally heal. I am so afraid of getting physically sick all over again.
You allow me to not feel shameful for having difficulties and twisted views of what a healthy reality is. You make me feel human. I feel like I am healing and I'm not a bad person. Thank you so much.
Amazing video! I come from a very dysfunctional family, so boundaries were never taught nor expressed. I’m always being taken advantage of and abused by my family. I must stop being afraid to set and enforce and maintain boundaries. I know I’m a people pleaser but something’s got to give. I admit though that I’m scared of rejection & abandonment.
My biggest problem is that I don’t even have boundaries with some people. I just recently realized I’ve been living this carefree wild life of being A-Ok with whatever happened.
I'm 63, with a Covert Narcissistic elderly mom. People & social interactions drain me.
I told mom that my husband & I like the routine of quiet evenings, not texting anyone.
After I mentioned this, it seemed to get worse with her texting in the evenings (not to mention all day too).
She has developed a string of constant mysterious pains, that many doctors can't cure (including laxative-induced Diarrhea).
When I KINDLY texted my 5pm boundary (my "little picket fence"), she had no reply ( I'm used to the over-reaction & Silent Treatment). So the next day I texted, to show her daytime was acceptable.
It is a very challenging relationship, going No Contact would probably be worse (she already loves turning people against one another / Trianglation? So, I would expect a Smear Campaign).
This is so crazy just struggling with feeling of guilt and Shame boundaries right now and found your video wow amazing. I've set boundaries I've expressed them and now I'm hitting a bump in the road of making sure I maintained them and finding balance is what I struggling with because I feel its gotta be on my terms now or I'm not comfortable with things.
I Always skipped the step 2 : state. People would not understand the extreme “violence” of my behavior shift. I was doing so much harm.
Thank you dr Nicole !
Thanks for this! I grew up in a dysfunctional, emotionally enmeshed family, and I deal with codependency. I need help with boundaries a little bit.
Starting at 3:15 really resonates with me.. being always available for a certain person in my life has been a struggle and I realize it’s not healthy. Thank you for this video, it really resonates with me!
5:15 - oh 😭
A moral and ethical issue here is that you should put the same effort in understanding other people boundaries if you want your boundaries to be respected, cuz that's what ugly narcissists do, for example they want people to be in sharp time with them but they are not willing to do that for others.
My daughter, now 40, has always (28 years) given me grief for my son, now 36, being spoiled (in her eyes). We fought like typical mother-teenage daughter so she projected (in my opinion) She is not empathetic with her brother AT all now that he’s going through a nasty divorce/ child custody case. She brought it up a couple of days ago, right before we’re all going to my brothers for Christmas. I asked her do we have this up again? She charged right on, like I hadn’t said a word. So there’s the rub. She absolutely doesn’t respond positively to me in this area and gaslights me to keep feeling guilty. I need to tell her that I refuse to discuss him and whatever he’s going through.
Thank you so much!! 🥰
Having a mum and dad who can never take no for an answer even at 82, makes this incredbly hard, even impossible for me to live by but I hear everything and understand everything you have said in this vid and Id love to set them. Living with them at 50 years old doesn't help at the moment either.
this sounds like me. i was raised in a very emotionally abusive family. i hated the toxic family traits. i am getting coaching for that now. one of things that i knew i needed was setting boundaries this is hard. when you are used to the norm.
like my best friend said" you can't pick your family"
but for me it is you can choose your battles and choose to tolerate them and put up with them
I have been trying to create healthier boundaries within my interactions with my enmeshed family unit. Whenever I do, I am called selfish, self-absorbed, “wrong”, “wrongheaded”, you name it. It’s really upsetting when trying to do what is right for YOUR being and development, you end up getting flipped out on, and have the boundary “misunderstanding” (meaning: the person doesn’t like my boundary, or perspective sharing) get brought up repeatedly as *proof* that I am f’ed up and “wrong”. I’m doing my best at maintaining these boundaries and my perspective, I have a BIG support network outside of my family who get me (THANK GOODNESS), and my self-care is really solid (therapy, meditation, journaling, exercise, healthy eating, creative work), but I am ready to go no contact because of this repeated pattern. I want to pull my hair out some days!
Thank you for this video. I appreciate it.
Thank You, i just got off my therapist session and she told me to look these steps up, and apply these to my very toxic mother.
Thank you. I so needed to hear this. I've had a hard time saying no. And always putting others feelings before my own. Or letting what others think dictact what I feel. I realize now all that matter what is how I feel. I'm just newly dating someone .after years of being in Toxic relationships. This was great info. Thanks so much!!!
I realized that many people in my family too act like this a lot. I have told them and in my last birthday they invited me and disrespected me as a joke or being picked on. I’m the last in the family, but I feel Ike by seeing my mom and dad fight has affected my relationships a lot including the romantic ones.
I want to be able to be alone and happy and express, but when I do I feel like people get mad and overreact and try to say or point out that I’m the black sheep in the family and my own mom compares me so much with all of her kids it’s very irritating I felt like I have mad issues and some resentment from living with them.
My steps so far have been to moved out and be a better me.
I have realized about my own feelings and I am communicating better.
I’m available only on Thursdays and Sundays.
Thanks for the great video. I’ll do my best to be consistent even with my sisters as well.
I will be less available because I want and need to take care of myself.
Thank you! I love how you clearly explain your formula for establishing boundaries. It’s very empowering.
omg this was so helpful, now i know i'm on the right path. thank you so much.
Hey! Thanks for much for this video. I have a really hard time setting boundaries with my dad and this video helped me a lot. I have borderline personality disorder as a result of trauma with him and this video awoke me to the realities of my needing to set clear boundaries with him in order to live a functional life. Thank you for the enlightenment
This was THE best boundary video I’ve seen after binging them. I’m struggling so bad and have been for so long. I refuse to go into my 24th year of life continuing life as a people pleaser. How will I be able to parent my future child or be a great wife if I don’t?
Thanks for boiling it down to a memorable outline and your encouragement to stay the course.
This is so great I'm going to use it. I find it really difficult, as I often prioritize myself but don't tell the other person and then feel guilty and then feel that I have to make up for something. I've also felt especially with my family as I have had unusual circumstances that I have to make up for that, so I'm always reading between the lines their reaction.
Thank you for all your encouragement and simple steps to follow.
Yes, many people don't like it when you change. But the ones who accept it respectfully help you learn what it feels like when someone values your personal growth because they care about you.
It does take time and effort. But it brings so much freedom and joy!
After i‘ve been a great fan of ur work for a couple of years, i just realized i am still very much engaging in self-betrayal to this very day
i‘ve read your book and made major changes in my daily life, yet always slithered around the topic of boundaries
just had my wakeup call and am glad to come back to your work and once again find guidance
best wishes from germany xx
I feel what it comes down to when being less available is feeling more clearly what you want and from feeling vulnerably sharing that with the other person.
My family is extremely Co-dependant. I am about 7 months into my awareness journey. It felt like my whole world was mirage when I first stepped into healing. My mom makes comments all of us never moving away and only ever loving in a community setting. It's honestly these comments that keep me firm on my journey because I don't want the same for my kids.
Thankyou Dr. Nicole, it was very nice learning from you something that i discovered and figured out that I've been struggling right from childhood and recently liberated myself lately and iam sharing this to you is my success story of how successfully i fought all the barriers with people who were using me that mistreated me and given them a good knock those that were toxic, in fact while setting forth those boundaries i was not hesitant as i learnt thoroughly about toxic behaviours n personality traits too .....the best part is that those toxic pple are now afraid of me to ask any favours from me😊
In most of the relationship I had. I would think negativily and assume and accuse things. I really needed to learn how to maintain myself and become less to someone else to set my boundaries with them. Thank you for the video. It really helped me. It really is important to do the three steps. 😁👍💚
How tragic is it
that we are terrified to be noticed,
but dying to be seen?
Boundaries are about taking care of our heart, mind, body, and soul!
It is about loving and cherishing and honoring and caring for ourselves.
REMEMBER:
Just because someone gets angry/hurt/upset/disappointed/whatever
when you say 'no'...
Doesn't mean you should've said 'yes'!
It means they have to learn
how to deal with 'no',
they have to learn
to self-regulate.
You're saying no, IS YOUR ABSOLUTE RIGHT,
and in fact, it's your obligation to yourself!
*** 10 "Survival Lies" You May Tell If You Have CPTSD:
1. fawn response
2. you start lying from very young to become socially included
3. story of yourself that is not actually true (you crafted it to adapt to environment)
4. lying to avoid loss
5. lying to secure resources/safety
6. lying due to shame
7. you find yourself in scenarios (due to past traumas) where it becomes easier to just tell overt lies
8. you lie after experiencing an emotional flashback
9. you lie because you don't want to have to caretake the other person's feelings
10. you lie because it feels nice to pretend to be (and therefore to feel)
somewhat normal, sometimes
*** 4 things people with severe trauma do, without thinking:
1. Obsessing/ruminating
2, Assuming our feelings are wrong
3, Attaching to others in unhealthy ways
4. Viewing ourselves as others see us (without them knowing our back-story!)
*** YES, You Can Heal Childhood PTSD -- These Actions HELP:
1. Learn to emotionally regulate
2. Save your social/romantic energy ONLY for people who are available and who reciprocate
3. Get really good at ending relationships that aren't healthy/reciprocal
4. Choose friends who are working on themselves and are doing things you admire
5. Find activities/hobbies that bring you HEALTHY growth/evolution
6. ALWAYS ASK: How do I feel after I hang out with this person? Inspired/energized?
Or drained and bad about myself?
ANYWAYS,
This will seem random, but...
I need help
I need unbiased advice
please, if you're reading this, and you feel called to respond to this comment,
I'm open to hearing from anyone who has something to share...
I have been plagued with an awful dilemma
I have been ruminating and obsessing over this for over 8 months now
I had a therapist
an AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL therapist
the absolute worst of the worst
instead of helping me and healing me
he damaged me and traumatized me
but I was too traumatized to do anything about it, at the time
I basically saw him for all of 2023
then I KNEW I could NEVER see him again
HE'S AWFUL
but...
he's also somehow wildly successful
and I can file a formal complaint
but if I do this
I must do it soon
the filing seems like a long and arduous process
and in the end, it's his word against mine...
I also don't know if I reap any particular benefits?
except he may get somewhat reprimanded
and I may get to speak up and use my voice
I don't know what to do
I must make a decision soon
thoughts, anyone?
I needed this ; I am 18 years old and I am becoming more aware of my boundaries and learning how to enforce them more. Thank you for this video!
Thank you. When I ask my girlfriend to stop making jokes that hurt my feelings, she says I’m too sensitive. Now I can tell myself that I am sensitive and that’s fine with me.
Takara i dont know you but, no matter who it is, you've verbally let them know
"hey, what youre saying hurts my feelings" be it in a form of a joke or not.
They shouldn't persist and practically tell you to "take it" by responding that you are too "sensitive." A healthy response would be im sorry, that was not my intention and stop what they are doing , NOT continue the behavior after you've voiced yourself.
If it hurts you... It hurts YOU.
Every time after that seems intentional. Be careful
Timestamps
1:00 Create
4:25 State
6:18 Maintain
This is really great stuff and very well explained. So important to create and MAINTAIN healthy boundaries.
Another gift, so precious, thank you. And the pace of talking is so much better now ❤️
Hi! Thank you so much. I've been doing so much practice around talking slower.
The Holistic Psychologist I feel a little guilty. I once wrote that I had difficulties following due to the speed. I am not English, so maybe that‘s why. I hope others benefit as well. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR EVERYTHING! So so so much.
Don't = feel guilty about giving someone honest feedback. It was appreciated. I need to be mindful about my international viewers as well.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist I had a mean comment from someone after I wrote that I had difficulties to follow, that's why I had that guilt feeling, but ja, following your "teachings" one should not REACT to assholes, just observe them ;)) Thank you again ♥
Thanks to the uploader for the video. Understood that boundaries are important, but keep in mind that when it comes to setting boundaries that you have to make the other person informed or aware of your types of boundaries because if the other person is not aware nor informed, then how will they know if they're violating or disrespecting a boundary? I remember back in the days, had this control-freak girlfriend who would constantly lie and play tricks on me and when her lies ended up backfiring on her or she got a taste of her own medicine; then she would say she needed to set boundaries with me... but keep in mind she was a pathological liar and she never made me aware of her boundaries!
Thank you .this empowered me tremendously as I am a newbie at this.but very willing to learn and grow. God bless you
I think I struggle most with articulating my boundaries. Knowing what exactly they are and how to word them. Do you have advice for this?
Silence and meditation.
I have the same issue. It would be good to have a video on just step one - creating boundaries. How do you do that? How do you decide what they are? The example she gave was to be less available. Did she decide what that looks like exactly? Does that mean she would answer her sister's texts every other day? Or only when she wasn't tired? Or...?
I think it is personal and different for each person. If you were raised in a dysfunctional family then you might not even know what boundaries are or what you want, think, feel, etc. Meditation is always good to start. I definitely still struggle with boundaries but my first start was to choose myself over my abusive family. I started going to therapy and went no contact with my abusive mother. With the rest of my family, I set boundaries while talking to them. For example, if they start telling me what I “should” be doing, I stop them and tell them that subject they are taking about is off limits. They get very defensive and aggressive but I don’t care, they need to stop treating me badly. So, in the moment I state my boundary, “I do not want to talk about that. I will not talk about that. Please change the subject.” If they continue (which they usually do), I restate my boundary. If they continue, I exit the conversation stating, “you are not respecting me and I will not continue this conversation.” If you are on the phone, hang up. Yes, HANG UP. It is not rude, no one has the right to ignore your boundaries. If you are face to face, walk away, start a conversation with someone else, or simply ignore them if that is the only option. Ignoring them after stating your boundary is not passive aggressive as you have already stated your boundary and they ignored it, so they know the consequences of their actions. Saying no to things you do not want to do are boundaries. They may try and make you feel bad or guilt trip you, stay true to your no, which is staying true to yourself. If they ask why, you can state your reason honestly and clearly. Ex) “I do it have time.” “I do not want to.” “I am busy.” Never explain your busy or what you are doing instead and avoid apologizing for your no. Whatever your reason is, it is valid; they do not need to validate it for you, you have already validated it for yourself. Be prepared for the backlash, being called “rude” or “mean” is common. People that have negative reactions to your boundaries are not mentally healthy individuals and therefore their comments and bad behavior do not matter. Stay true to you. You are important.
I hope this helps. 💕
There’s actually a book called Boundaries that I’ve found is really helpful with the HOW. It has a lot of Christian/Biblical references, just FYI. BUT, the principles are still applicable and have been revolutionary for me as a person who’s finally learning how to make boundaries
AunyxTM Try looming on the Scribd app! They have tons of books and audiobooks
Finally, a succinct video on boundaries. There is so much rambling nonsense on UA-cam about this topic and you have explained it beautifully in just ten minutes. Thank you. It's the best presentation I've watched - no need to watch anything else now.
I love how conscious your work is, and always speaking from love!!
I like how the boundary setting is broken into 3 parts because if it's challenged, then I haven't failed to set them at all. "Well done for creating, well done for stating." And I would reassure myself with a positive voice. And step 2 needs both people and that's good to see because I need to learn that their feelings/ reaction isn't my responsibility.
love the yellow board.. very solar plexus and power oriented and appropriate to the subject
I told a classmate to please calm down she was becoming angry on the phone. She hung up on me . I told her I felt triggered and it was making me feel anxious. I was the problem I told her I would listen to her if she could talk without yelling. It ended up not working out I was the problem and blamed. my first time doing this cried. I told her I was under a lot of stress no compromise it hurt I am relieved
What about boundaries like "don't interrupt my phone conversation" or "don't mess with my belongings"?
I have just started my journey of healing and its proving extremely difficult but I will continue. I have learnt that I do not have boundaries and if I do set them I very quickly bring them down so as not to upset the other person. The one thing I am struggling with when it comes to boundaries is if my sister had set boundaries with not being available to me any time of the day or night I would have gone into complete meltdown and my feeling of abandonment would have just escalated. I have learnt that I have been an emotional dumper to her and with my healing journey I'm confident this will stop. My sister just laughs when I tell her what I have been and says she is happy to always be there for me. So what I am trying to say in a long winded way is I would hate for someone I cared so much for reached out to me and I didn't respond because I'd set my boundary.
I also suffer the same and it feels like focusing on the others. It makes me exhausted , scare, blaming myself. Now, I know, all I have to do is to set a boundary.
So helpful. Thank you
And this is why mindfulness is crucial bc if you tend to get anxious when first practicing boundaries you may easily fall back into old habits/reactions...with time and the right (reciprocal) people relationships can transform
Thank you for this video. 27, and only now realizing I have never had clear boundaries. The past few weeks I've experienced people dumping their emotional baggage on me, blaming me for saying no, and not hearing me when I do try to establish boundaries. But I am actively practicing and becoming more aware of all the progress I can make in this area! Excited for my new set of boundaries, woohoo. Lol. 😁💃🙌🙅♀️
I am learning that I have to do this little by little and it’s more effective. Initially I would put extreme strict boundaries and it was extremely hard so I failed. I had to literally go step by step so I could give myself time to adjust to being less available to others. I only have these issues with loved ones.
The desired dynamic between me and another person can cause irreparable damage to a relationship, which can have a domino effect on other parts of our lives, like having a place to live, or other basic needs. There have been examples I have come across where people have tried to create boundaries, only to have the person that they're trying to set boundaries with, disconnect them from all available resources. This disconnection can cause extreme uncertainty, like not having a place to live, food, safety, etc. I've worked in homelessness outreach, and a lot of the people who experience homelessness, do so because they don't have the social support that could've prevented them from living on the streets, or not have a safe place to live. I'm not saying that setting boundaries is not important, just to take into consideration the unique circumstances that you find yourself in, and try to tailor your response to how you want to set boundaries.
HAVING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES IS A MUST. I AM MORE THAN MY PAST
Create the why which is for yourself. Be able to be honest with yourself so you can be self sufficient.
What is the boundary? State the boundary. This is a transition time.
Lastly enforce the boundary.
This video has helped me understand what I did a while ago. I didn't understand why I didn't help an old lady asking for an umbrella. She is from the church I was attending and she was looking for me at the house I was staying at. I did not help her because in my head, that's a red flag. She was invading my space. She only knew me from my landlady.
I instinctively stood by my boundaries, not making myself available because I wasn't available that time. I just got back from work, carried water for my neighbor's plants, I just came out of the shower and was ready to eat my lunch at 5pm then study. It was about to rain and i felt bad for the lady. But I am not the only one who she knows on my street. Sorry but I was unavailable. I have my boundaries. I am usually very generous and giving but my instincts told me red flags about the old lady. Please respect my privacy
very good explanation, my biggest struggle was to say no and please people first. but that slowly changing now…. very good video my dear. Ernesto
You are awesome ! I see my family and myself need boundaries. Thank you for this.
Believe it or not I watched this because I have poor boundaries with my dog (and also with myself). Being this new way and sticking to it, I like it
Thank you for this helpful video! Really great examples on how to use the boundary steps ! 💕
This is great to put ourselves 1st so we can actually live a a rewarding life ! 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
I need to set boundaries with my parents. Sometimes I just don’t want a hug or to be touched in any way and if I tell them that I’ll just get yelled at bc they consider it disrespectful :/
Thank you for this!
Helpful thx u
I shared a handful of your vids w mum. Your calm approach and giving examples are rather helpful