I'm 58 years old. My father, older sister and exhusband are narcissists. Putting myself first makes me feel very vulnerable and like I'm walking into a trap. The only way I feel safe to do that is by living in isolation.
I'm 43 and it's the same for me. My father, younger sister, and ex-wife are narcissists. I've been living in isolation for the first time for about 2 years now. Ironically during that time, I'm finding a kind of focus that I've rarely been able to maintain because of other people always being around. I'm able to concentrate on myself and what I need to do in my life without feeling guilt or shame, or worry or doubt or fear. I also - as you say - feel "safe" in a way I cannot ignore. I realize it's the first time, in many ways, that I've ever felt this feeling of simply being able to exist without some threat, punishment, criticism or pressure. In an ideal world, I would be able to share life with someone, but I also am seeing how safe I feel in isolation and how productive it has been for me, and it crosses my mind at times, that now that I've found this, I don't know that I'm willing to run of the risk of sacrificing or jeopardizing it for anyone.
@@ets5697 Your description 'I feel safe in a way I can't ignore'. Is perfect. I know what you mean. I resent it when I have to engage with people in person. 'Safe' people seem to be a rarity and at this point in my life I'm not willing to give up the space I feel good in to seek them out.
Same - living in private isolation is ironically the ONLY way us survivors can live like a normal human being. It's hard to overcome distrust of others and find safe ppl when you escape in yr 40s and 50s
My narcissistic mother doesn't want me to solve her problems... if her problems were solved, she'd only have to find new ones to keep clamoring about. She just enjoyed watching me TRY to solve her problems. It was the attention and sympathy she was after, not the actual solving of actual, real problems. She had no problems except the ones she created in order to have something to wail about.
Well and more freedom to be authentic, not having to mask so much. That's what I look forward to in my future safe relationships, what must it be like to feel completely yourself and feel accepted by those around me. What we all wish for
I really don't think it's true that safe people are super happy, nor is it true that they have no negativity, no complaining, no criticising... In many many situations (consider, when you are the victim of narcissistic abuse) it is appropriate to not enjoy it, to see it negatively, to complain about it, to criticise the abusers.
I found another point that was very helpful from Henry Cloud’s book on Safe People. Safe people don’t talk one-up to you but treat you as equals. I have also found a true indicator is to test whether that person allows you to have your own preferences, or if they need you to adhere to their choices/opinions.
I appreciate you so much because I recently stopped dealing with a woman who got mad at me for not being the same religion as her, and looking back at her behaviors it’s pretty clear she’s got some narcissistic traits if not full-blown NPD. Thank you for pointing out that this is a common with them now I can watch for it ❤
This (being ok with others having their own preferences) seems like a no brainer. But it was so ingrained into me since childhood that it took me well into my 60s to see how abnormal my family system was. Continuing to insist I must like the same music, TV shows etc as they do. When I finally moved physically to place where I felt joy and peace I was bombarded with “concern”. I’ve gone NC (without anger or malice) and things are FINALLY becoming clear. The peace is incredible.
Imagine being born around a vortex that slowly, imperceptibly, sucks in your light. Not only is the presence of that drain an injury, but also that that person was supposed to be a source of strength for you, someone you could rely on. Not only do you not have that safe rock to rest on, but every time you try to put your hand down on something solid, it drains you. And you try to grow up, to make friends, to become a human being, to do the demanding business of establishing a life. And then you go out into the world, and you attract the same kind of people. You don't know what it is like to have your light honored by another, but you are starving for it. Even if the people who drain you do so slowly, it is the lack of satisfying relationships that hurts, and over the years turns into starvation and malnutrition. You're an adult, and you've been on this planet 30 years, and there was a whole lot of life and love that wasn't there.
True. The way I came to understand it is that narcissists have extreme fear of abandonment and disapproval. So, before someone else makes those fears come true, they blame that someone of the same things so that the other person would feel guilty, try to correct themselves, not blame this person, and not leave this person because they're not the one who's wrong. The problem is, narcissists have internalized this coping mechanism so much that they actually believe it's always the other person's fault if they become emotionally dysregulated and it's always the other person's responsibility to provide them with emotional regulation. So, they are usually quite opposed to become emotionally self-aware enough to realize what's happening because that would mean they would have to face those dreaded feelings of guilt, shame and disgust with themselves for being who they are, which is the first step to overcoming those fears of abandonment and disapproval, which will lead to them actually empathizing with others and have healthy relationships.
As a child the only way I could get a moment’s peace was to isolate because my parents expected to see you moving and being productive at all times. They demanded obedience and compliance. The impact into adulthood is not being able to rest, and not knowing what my needs are. It’s devastating.
same, but now i spoil myself. i say, if i had a husband who tduly loved me, would he let me do, buy, etc for myself. of course its always yes:) it helps to use to give yourself permission
Correct. Because we not love ourself. We learned to love the others in a distorted way. With meditation we can heal. Taking out time and deeply breath.. In the most lovely surrounding we can built for us. Like a nest. This is when my soil starts rising.
Same, but I eventually put religion/spirituality in place of the parent. I thought I had moved past the parent issue but took another 30 years to realize my image of God/Source was that of a demanding father that loved me but was never quite happy with my performance. My thought process: "I'm not sure what, but I must be doing SOMETHING very wrong or my life would be better." I basically created a replacement demanding oppressor in my own mind.
I have yet to find healthy people. There's a TON of people with very high narcissistic traits out here in the wild, and I'm finding it pointless to even go out anymore... .. Speaking about being social, and finding new, healthy friends. There needs to be a support group, with healthy people paired with us survivors, with the healthy people being vetted. I'm the scapegoat, only child, and had this belief even further cemented, due to my religious family...it was always about everyone else, except me. The more I served, the more praise I got, and my narcissist parents (both were), left me alone...but that was always short lived. Now, I'm happy my family estranged me in teenage years, and have been on my own ever since, and I'm 51. ❤
Healthy people being vetted and paired with survivors is called therapy. Otherwise you're simply using healthy people as a therapist. I survived a malignant narcissist mother and diagnosed sociopathic ex. It isn't our friends' or support group's job to act as our therapists; that's a lot of weight to place on them.
@@ArtemisSilverBow I beg to differ. One cannot associate socially with their therapist. A safe person can just be someone to have fun with & not feel threatened by. They play very different roles, imo.
I'm 58 and I never had a safe person in my entire childhood. Right now I am living in isolation, doing IFS therapy on my own and finally connecting to my inner child parts that are so traumatized. I'll connect with myself first.
As a scapegoat, I was the person least capable of filling my parents up. Every other person had a bit of value to them in some way, but I had nothing acceptable to offer. So, I fulfilled their needs in that way, by being the designated loser.
Maybe, but even if that's true you became that way on their watch or as a result of inheriting their genetic material. It's more likely what you had to offer threatened to either expose or outshine them. One doesn't need to designate a loser (undermine competence) if he can find some way to take credit for it behind the child's back.
❤️❤️❤️ sending you love ❤️ what a lie, remember they can’t really see you. They can only see what plays in their own mind. I hope you’re finding kindness and love for yourself. Through that a sense of who you are, and your inherent worth. I believe we are all made beautiful and miraculous beings. Don’t play their fake role for you!
I experienced this too but you are not a loser in truth. This is their own projection of themselves onto you.. ThEY are mentally defective and immature losers
@@dreamscape405I’m sorry that you also have experienced this. It is undeserved, and I hope you know that you are more deserving of compassion than you were led to believe.
I gave up on having a good relationship with my two narcissistic parents. My role as the loser scapegoat was iron clad so I was wasting my time and energy. Now I am more discerning and choose to enjoy being with safe pleasant people. They ARE out there! I still experience some anxiety about what new friends think or if I am not fulfilling their expectations but happily this anxiety is being confirmed as unnecessary.
It's so nice to read your positive comment. At some point we have to realize that by self-isolating and withdrawing from everything, the only people we're hurting are ourselves. Bessel Van Der Kolk, who, among others, says it's impossible to heal on our own and that it's only by finding connection with ourselves can we release the trauma.
The biggest green flag in a relationship is the ability to be accountable and apologize genuinely. I'm through with allowing myself to be treated like crap because my parents decided I wasn't worth care and consideration.
@@neuroqueercoach I have lived the opposite. Grew up in a storybook with an epic childhood and fantastic loving stable parents. Then I married someone completely dysfunctional. And yes zero care and consideration, the degree of selfishness is so significant I can’t even truly comprehend how a grown human could be that oblivious to others needs and also totally fail to do almost anything for anyone besides themselves. And yes he does NOT do accountability, holding himself accountable for his behavior is extremely rare.
@@lijohnyoutube101 oof, yeah if you don't see it coming, that can wreck your whole world. I hope you're getting the support you deserve. I can suggest some youtubers to help if you've interest.
1 very import NG marker of safe people is, that they always stand on your side. They can dedect immediately your hurt and injustice behavior of others towards you. They give you a hug, and offer their help as you need it. They are sensitive to your individual desires.
Love your dog. Was 'raised' by a narc who terrorized dad too. They ultimately kill thru vampirism. Your chan is deeply insightful and healing. UA-cam has become this well of wisdom.
I’m in recovery and the only real friend I’ve found in life is Christ. I feel so bad about myself most days trying to tune out the abusive behavior. I am so scared of being unsafe with people that I isolate myself. I’m grateful for Christ. I wish everyone healing and love.
Stay on this path! My faith in GOD is what has kept me safe in the most miraculous of situations. Putting GOD FIRST you can never go wrong! Stay blessed, safe and prosperous. Jesus WILL get you thru this ✨🙏🕊️✨
just because someone has a lot of friends doesn’t mean their safe- some narcissists like a lot of attention. just be yourself and try to see who you can get along with....
I’m learning that sometimes less is more… It’s harder to maintain a large group of friends and know who’s on your side who isn’t . It’s pretty easy to maintain a few friends , even if they don’t really know each other. You can really see who they are. There’s certain qualities that are needed to have a trusted friend … you are not gonna find that in a large group. Pay attention to larger groups of women: there is always the head chicken who tells everyone else what to do… they love having a large group of women around them for the influence and control. It’s pretty easy to pick that out. The harder time is in smaller groups of women where everyone is pretending to not want to control … you’ll find the women… usually in smaller groups. It’s passive control rather than overt boisterous control in a large group. The smaller group of women will try to convince you to put up with things you shouldn’t and will use their emotions and how they feel through their “heart “ what you should do. Real friends are honest with you in a loving way … they let you know when what you do is hurting them or bothering them. Real friends ask how you are doing… I realize I wasn’t a real friend for a long time because of my own problems and my own hurt… I didn’t care about others like I thought I did. That attracts bad people . Now that I am learning and healing from narcissistic parents and working through my part of what causes issue in my marriage and my husband either ignore or deal with his own issues- I’m not there to rescue him. He’s not here to rescue me… that is individual work. But since I have worked very hard on myself the past several years , I have much better friends and I’ve been to release those who seem unhealthy…. It doesn’t mean people don’t have problems or struggles … friends don’t gossip and destroy you behind your back; they care about you and they want to know how you’re doing but also talk about each other and get to know who you are not just what you are to them. Remember, even bad friends will be there for you if they want to feel good about themselves … can you show up on the doorstep at the moment. Are they there for you when no one else notices? Your friends don’t care about getting credit for things they’re just there and they want you not what you can do for them
I was at a meeting with a friend, technically I was enemy camp. 🫢 I had just come away from relationship where my ex ruined our lives by being on drugs. Ok these are the people in recovery, some court ordered, but working on it. I was THRILLED to hear names of books and speakers some followed in the self help arena! Same people I follow. It was very exciting to go back and forth with people that GET IT! I don’t care how they wound up on that path, they’re trying to understand, fix and improve. Thrilled me to no limit. With th ex, just lies, no accountability, blame shifting. It’s not that I don’t or won’t forgive, I just find progress a thing to celebrate! I wish you well on your journey, and the others in your group. I’m proud of you from far away. You got this! ✨🥰✨
It took decades and many learning experiences to teach me this, but I am in no way responsible for what others think or how they react. If somebody gets upset over just words, they have a lack of EQ, which isnt taught. I learned to control my thoughts, emotions, and my speech. Others can do the same. Sigma empaths have strong boundaries. Mine came mostly from a narc mom. I now don't regret the past and the abuse. It has all conspired to make me the woman I am today, and I finally like and love myself. Sweet spot!
@user-du7ht7vi5w an empath who has done healing work and learned how to have healthy boundaries / expectations in relationships , essentially ! no longer a doormat , but standing in their power
I'm that person who was putting my needs last and fulfilling the role of making others happy, particularly men...although it was my caregiver of the same sex who required it. Navigating new waters now trying not to unconsciously take care of men's needs over my own and get entangled in affairs that blow up in disaster because of this pattern
It's why I finally realized that it isn't worth pursuing another relationship, both due to my age, & how much of my life I want to live on my own terms. Every ex sabotaged my pursuing my own dreams. Today, I put all my energy into my SoulFam members, as well as working on my creative legacy
Yep👍 its SO HARD😫 I so rejected motherhood as a career, just realised at 55🤦 Ive spent a lifetime mothering motherless single disfunctional men😳 ALL MY LIFE🤣 and fluffy wee dogs😂 I lived my life knowing I couldnt cope with hsving kids like my narcissistic siblings and that there was nothing in my mother's life of mothering I wanted😳 I DID NOT KNOW THERE WAS ANYTHING DIFFERENT😩
Thank you Mr. Reid, I feel that for the lucky ones that grew up in healthy homes know all this intuitively but for us with these type of parents it helps to have these written down so that we can look back on, reflect and see where it’s healthy to be at and what to avoid.
This video and the comments are so relatable. I also found for so long, the only way I could turn off this automatic attention to others and focus on myself was to be alone.
It is correct that narcissistic parents live from the outside in. My parents were superficial and shallow. And, yes, my mother tried to use me as a tool to make her feel good about herself. But I was a kid. I didn't understand what was going on. Yes, my mother thought she owned me.
If a stranger broke into your house and abused your kids, you would get revenge by calling the cops, arresting the abuser, and punishing them with jail time. The public will worship you for your bravery and commitment to getting justice. So explain this to me - if your parents abuse you, and you get revenge, why is that considered "bad."? Why are you gaslit with stuff like "getting revenge just makes things worse for your, learn to let go and forgive." Again let's go back to the strange breaking into your home and abusing your kids. What if I told you "hey Jay, don't call the cops, dont try to get this person thrown in jail, that will just make things worse for you. learn to forgive"
I DO understand you. But I think for me, getting past it to live MY LIFE was important. I like self improvement. I find I don’t have the bandwidth to WASTE on negative people. I’d rather savor my energy and spend it on myself. This way, I’ve made myself my priority, and I do NOT care one whit about what THEY think or do or don’t do. I’m no longer feeding the trolls off my own table. If I could’ve understood this so much earlier in life! Also, don’t take ANYTHING personally. It also took me decades to understand THAT nugget of wisdom too! If you remove yourself from the toxic situation, they will do the same damage to the next person in that slot. This was proven to be true 55 years later! They never change! It is ABSOLUTELY NOT PERSONAL. Your golden child sibling could’ve just as easily been the black sheep. As we’ve already been wounded by this terror, our REACTION to their provocation can be utterly devastating TO US. See? When you can detach, understand that ANY PERSON put into that situation would’ve been abused, ok? Back up, take yourself out of it, and we’re back to the first part, spend your energy coins WISELY: on YOURSELF! I hope this makes sense. It took me WAY TOO LONG to figure it out. I’m not saying condone, but for YOUR OWN SAKE. You don’t get those 5 minutes back. May as well enjoy YOUR NOW. Don’t worry about THEM. They ARE truly miserable. I promise. And in the end, YOU WILL feel lighter, I can’t even imagine THEIR deathbed thoughts. You CAN GET OUT IF THIS, just be selfish in a healthy way and put YOUR WELL BEING FIRST. Stay blessed.
So helpful, thank you! Yes, those types of relationships have been so exhausting. Sadly, it's all I know so I avoid ALL relationships. Logically, I know they're not supposed to be like that. I've been isolating until I find a better way. I'll look into imaginary crimes.
Thank you so much Dr Jay! I really appreciate your messages. This one in particular is really important. Often we’re drawn towards the familiar rather than what’s healthy
I asked a wise person once how do you know whether to keep giving money to someone in need, and I was told to watch the person once the money is handed over to see how they are managing it, also does this person keep coming back and asking for money all the time or are they finding ways and means to use whatever talents they may have to generate new income. This was something I experienced with a cousin who kept asking for help,but the underlying issue was that he preferred not to work and live off others. Definitely not a safe cup to be filling anymore. Thanks Jay 🙏Another in-depth and helpful video🎞📹Hope you and Brizo 🦴🐾🦴🐾have a lovely ⛵️weekend further✨🌈💫
Thank you. Im graduating in psicology and im a survivor of severe narcisistic traumatized people that ended up passing their trauma onto me. Im healing and improving because of years of inner work and studying and then i found your channel. Thank you, you put this in such a good way that people can understand. I can never be too grateful for the souls that are on this path and are generous enough to help into freeing others. Only we know the darkness of being trapped in the view that a narcissistic parent have into us and about our worth. Thank you.
“I don’t want you to worry about me” then proceed to be miserable when I said ok and left. - mom It’s taken years to decode but I have made progress I think this next relationship will be an indicator if I have healed. I went through a lot of toxic codependency
This is really just one aspect of "safe people", and relates more to covert narcissists. There are plenty more psychopathic narcissists who aren't using people for emotional support/don’t need supply in that sense but are still highly abusive.
to be fair most victims of abuse have a deep need people for people to show love to "fill up" their need to feel loved but that is due to the hurt they feel but they are not toxic, just need loved due to chronic lack of love for most (or all) of their lives just because someone needs people to show love does NOT Make them abusive!!!
For my vision board, I took notes of the 5 signs of a safe relationship AND paraphrased what made Claire such a good/safe friend. Thank you for helping me articulate this. It truly resonates!
I especially love this post because oftentimes people aren’t aware that they are born into roles that the parent, siblings, and the entire family assign. It’s best to find the safe people around us and know that being around safe and unsafe people look, feel, and be like. Thanks for another insightful video! 💜
augh. When I hear my story on this channel, I just cringe. I am not in a relationship until I feel like I know who I am and what I need. This is all new to me and feels weird but I will get used to it.
Your doggie in the chair ❤ and my gosh, do you describe me and how my relationships were. Big emphasis on past tense! Thanks to much healing and recovery from amazing channels like yours.
OMG ALL my boyfriends! I had to wait until I knew they didnt 'need' to be looked after before I could commit🤦 THANKS SO MUCH FOR EXPLAINING!! Narcissistic parents/siblings😊
I slowly distanced from most family(people i want to love) after both parents died...now having some good contact with 1-2 siblings (using boundaries). Yesterday, i spent an evening out having dinner with a trusted friend. I felt alive, validated, cared about, safe and remembered what I need- is what's been missing.
😅 I took it literally. My narcs would always ask me to fill their cups to drink for them all the time coffee milk water... But the people who are safe not only never ask me to buy request I don't. It was hard to unlearn.
I feel screwed. I don't trust anyone anymore at this point. Everyone I've loved deeply has tried destroying me. Relationships aren't that difficult. I just want to eat, go to the beach, Disneyland, and Knottsberry Farm. Not sure why it's so difficult to find men that care about something other than porn and The Kardashians. I look forward to passing on from this life. The only man I'll entertain at this point is one that lifts me up and makes me want to live 50 more years. Otherwise I have no doubt I wont make it..Too many parents have taught their kids to drink alcohol and do drugs. The world is doomed. Narcissists are everywhere. I feel like I'm dying. 😢
Don’t give up!!! FIGHT for your life! its the enemy wants take you down, rebuke all the negative thoughts, don’t drink, eat healthy, you will recover!!
Stuff like Disneyland is immature and illogical, it's irrelevant to a meaningful existence, and that's probably why no man is interested in it. Add all that expenditure and he's definitely heading out ahead of time.
Safety as a scapegoat/narcissistic survivor combined with #1 physiological needs according to Maslow’s Hierarchy/Pyramid. It is so important until I reached the other side of healing. I would also stipulate without a doubt that the new pyramid regarding #3 was practically non-existent and that self-love and self-actualization NOW becomes #3. ❤
Wow. Good information. I listen to alot of videos about narcissist abuse- this really keys in on its effect on children. I relate very strongly, unfortunately. I always feel i MUST ATTEND to whoever im with. My attention must go to them at all times or i will be af hurt or insult them in some way. Its fear based. Its crazy and im going to practice not doing it anymore and, instead, deal with whatever feelings come up . Thank you for a great video.
Physiological safe people own their problems. This means 1st of all, they recognized their wrong personality traits on their own (people on their outside don't have to make big efforts for them to see them) & r wanting to better them. Also, what Jay said, " & dont feel entitled to others fixing what they feel inside." To elaborate, it is right to not feel intitled in some ways & amounts, but not others; also u should receive certain thgs from others, especially family members, like offering help to lean on & work against certain QUANTITIES of defects on ur personality/character, but not to the point of an abuser like narcisist & such.
For me, it was stressful to choose myself sometimes in my current relationship because I was expecting him to become mad or withdraw. I have been shocked that he doesn’t. He is understanding, cares about what I think & what I want, and we can disagree about something without it being a big deal at all. Probably the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in (in 50).
THANK YOU , THANK YOU, THANK YOU. Mr. Reid, the video describes very well my childhood. After 30 yrs. of studying and trying to fix it I can accurately state that. I needed to hear it in this context. It cleared a lot of things for me. I also learned a few things. You couldn’t gotten here at a better time. Keep up the good work. May the Universe bless you!
This is quite close to what is happening. BPD and NPD have overlapping traits and can actually go hand in hand. My sister is a psycho therapist and suspects our mom has BPD (childhood trauma driven). I see, have experienced a lot of narcissistic behaviors growing up.
Safe people have a heart felt reaction to connection, it’s non judgemental, mutual, empathetic, often quiet, warm, accepting and soothing. Narcs despite their smooth charming exterior feel jagged, fragmented, not present even when they are looking directly at you. They are brittle with an undercurrent of rage. I can literally feel the scheming expectations going on, energy just doesn’t lie. I’m done automatically believing the best in people, that kind of belief system leads to selection error. I just take people as they come and l never chase. If people treat me badly l consider them untrustworthy the 1st time and they don’t get a 2nd chance. If lm treated well we go to the next level of trust. I find it’s most important to be that safe person for myself. Good boundaries, get rid of guilt and shame, self loving habits, space for what l want and need to do. Basically learning to love and meet my own needs first. Truly 90% of my past relationships were a gross imposition of my time, energy, health, resources and selfhood. NARCS are time wasters, no substance, no-one home just a ravenous empty vessel.
Its been tough, I always had to fill others cup... tough lesson but I had to start saying no and distance myself... or else they would expect me to be there all the time for them, its impossible because they are never happy, maybe for a few minutes but that's it... it can be constant...best thing to do is distance yourself
Thank you so much for talking about looking away from the parent - it’s always been a huge problem for me as my parents both demanded that when they talked to me, I’d sit and look them in the eyes. My father would rage if I looked away even momentarily or looked less than fascinated with what he said. He demanded that especially when he berated me for hours and sometimes for days. I’m now a caretaker for my vulnerable narcissistic mother who stares at me intensely all the time, and often in quiet rage. Then I can’t look at her and I have to escape as quickly as I can. I feel that she’s trying to show me how horrible I am and it can be just because I didn’t show over the top excitement when seeing her. Do you have any advice on how to handle her staring?
I have always put my happiness first, 😊😊mumzie expected too much from me. When I became a parent I never required my kids to fill me up like that. I was tough as nails when I was one ys old, when I saw a woman who can't take care of herself or me. I'm grateful I forged ahead and played my music , never stopping . My anger turned to the arts to soothe me . 😊 My animals teach me what true love is.❤
Another great video. Thank you! I was wondering if you ever considered looking at a specific situation that characterized my last relationship: that is people who demand way too much AND give way too much. This was a very confusing situation for me personally. My partner demanded that I "fill him up" in all the ways you've described in this video--needing endless attention, considering me responsible for his emotional wellbeing, etc. But he also treated me as thought I needed him to fill me up. And the fact is that I did not need that--so the result was always just TOO MUCH of everything. Over-the-top gifts, texting me back within 10 seconds of every message, never leaving me to have alone time, etc. This was very confusing because it was like he was giving me a zillion gifts I never asked for and then demanding payment for all of them. I don't know if that has a name, but I would be interested to know if others have experienced this.
If a safe person does a favor for you or gives a gift, nothing is expected back. Also they never mention it to others. They don't need praise or acknowment.
My parents would have been my biggest fans if they were still alive today. My Dad would of financially supported my modeling. My Mom would have supported my singing and acting.
Thank you Dr. Reid for all the info you have been sharing. I have been involved in a young persons' life for 1.5 yrs as a safe adult. The info you have shared has helped immensely during this time trying to figure out what is going on! And I have more patience for their behaviours. A teacher pointed out that when they are rude/neg/condescending to me, they are acting out how they've been treated. Do you have info. on that aspect of being a child of narc. parents?
what if you been abandoned and isolated by abuser and have nowhere to go? Last year i felt in charge of my life and now i’ve come down with some rare type of nerve damage that’s supposed to have me wheelchair bound within a year and i don’t have a single person to call for support. If you have no support system, does your life even matter? Honestly i don’t see anyone surviving with some type of support but i definitely feel this emptiness from my parents and it makes sense like you can never feed them enough.
You must have taken the beautiful dog in the back on a loooong walk for him to be sleeping so tightly. Good to see a pup so content. I noticed a pattern in the choice of whom I'm with. I tend to be with people who demand of me to be more demanding towards myself than I can be in order to help them to fulfill their own need to ignore their own needs, while they have created a huge space of dominance through achievements and being hardworking, to an extent that allows them to be ahead of everyone else, so no one can get to them in person. So I find myself caught in a constant sense of bein inferior and having to step up, giving more than I hav, whithout actually achieving something, only to be asked to step up and show at least a little bit of effort, so they are not the ones who end up doing everything (that they chose to take on as their task). What can I do ? Because, technically, the are right: The one who is a solid rock, delivers reliably, is the one to prefer according to my own ethics. Civilisation and even cave society in the ice age weren't built on people feeling good, but by those who built things no matter how they felt.
When you date an addict who can’t take care of themselves, they’ll feel entitled to you running their life for them And jealous when you do anything good for You. All these situations stem from having had crappy parenting. It’s sooo hard to break the pattern but once you do, life is so much better. You only accept good treatment 🎉
How would you fit neurodivergence into this framework? Many neurodivergent people (e.g. autistic people) are not able to be self-sufficient or "fill their own cup" and need help to co-regulate. Would you modify the framework at all to account for this?
After YEARS of Dealing, the TRUTH came out and I am free...kind of. I feel it close by. My family continued without me. They all were a Group and I ended up withdrawing to not be noticed. Now I'm 72 and my entire life was a LIE and I'm having a hard time dealing. When I try to think of memories all I "see" are white empty triangles. ??? Turns out, I did NOT ruin my Teen Mom's life because she had a secret son before me who was adopted by the CEO of SEARS. Turns out we grew up isolated...down a dirt road in the middle of a cornfield. Because it turns out my Dad was not some Midwestern Hick but the son of a powerful Chicago Gangster and I grew up in the HideOut. There is more but I don't want to write a book. It's just that without a History I am having a mental fracture and I hope I'm coping OK.
surely certain traits, but we are able to look themself and change! we have all traits of narcissism, we are not narcissism for that. narcissist even look themself and surely not try to change, its that who made them narcissist.
The bf the man doesn't have a name yet u adopt her name as Amanda it's confusing in your illustration of your story to get people to hear "a man" when u say her name Amanda.
Would have appreciated at least 10 minutes spent on Identifying “safe people” organised into categories and then discussed in detail with multiple examples. Was disappointed that level of information was not provided.
Why would someone want to deal with people that are so not self aware and operating on default/crappy programming when you are so much higher than that? Go find people on your level. People on crappy /default programming would love for you to cater to them. So stop and go to others like you. Less work for all parties and more enjoyment too
narcissism is a spiritual issue, fueled by the attacks of the enemy of our souls. victims of this type of abuse need, not only therapy, but Jesus' love to deliver them from this demon. Perfect Love casts out fear, and every other bad thing too. this demon follows a person their whole life, which is why it seems that everyone we "attract" abuses us the same way, and you can't get away from it and into a healthy loving relationship. Seek Jesus and let him fight your battles for you. God bless you in Jesus' name. Amen.
Not all the time. Sometimes narcs are extremely interested in you, not because they care but because they're studying you, learning what makes you tick so they can plan their lives in yours
abbas joy- exactly. some of the comments on here portray narcissists in one way. the fact is- prayer is the key and discernment to know what’s safe and what’s not
Yes, sometimes they listen for ways to trap you later on. Genuine people don't act like this. Usually though you can tell what they are about after a few interactions.
You can voice your opinion comfortably knowing they won't agree with you but won't get offended. With safe people their is solution oriented discussion. They are self development focussed so no bitching or talking about other's.
As a child of two narcissistic parents, a shoutout to my gorgeous adult life friends who check all the boxes in safe relationships. I'm eternally grateful, thank you all.
Than you are in their game. If that happens the focus is on trying to please others, if we not feel competent about ourselves we not talk at all. So we isolte. The key is to notice the dussapearance of joy in us. Look out for what makes us happy and give it to us. Stop looking to find something worthy to give the other. So wrong. Life and do what you like 100 pro!
Jay, thank you for this excellent video! After reading the comments, I realize that so many of us are choosing isolation instead of exploring new realtionships. Some have lost decades of life to merely surviving narcissistic relationships and are now grieving that deeply. In an attempt to live fully and make the most of every bit of life remaining, we are not willing to gamble with our time. Isolation feels extremely safe. Although we know connection is important, we don't have the physical or emotional energy to risk it. Thank you for this information! It feels like I have guidance on how to begin. Many blessings to you and to everyone walking this path.
You summed up my feelings perfectly. I grew up with an alcoholic father, narc mother and had a narc husband for fifteen years. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to meet new people and pray the cycle of abuse doesn't start all over again. The only safe zone is alone. I have a dog and that helps. I just wake up every day and try to make the best of things.
I’m pretty extroverted… But my mirror relationship is so stressful and at times toxic- it is improving but the damage has been significant. I dont have the social energy sometimes to go do stuff cuz the toll my difficult marriage has had on me. Plus my hubby isolates and usually has close friends that validates him rather than challenges him and he doesnt like that in me… He wants to feel “comfortable”. I have learned while relaxation is important- lassie faire and laziness breeds bad things. We can rest and be content while growing and learning to be better. We can also be friends with people who are good for us and are safe but also challenge us in good, healthy ways to be better
Maybe because being alone feels freeing to be oneself and one enjoys a rich interior life whereas being with others is what causes the feelings of isolation.
I'm 58 years old. My father, older sister and exhusband are narcissists. Putting myself first makes me feel very vulnerable and like I'm walking into a trap. The only way I feel safe to do that is by living in isolation.
I'm 43 and it's the same for me. My father, younger sister, and ex-wife are narcissists. I've been living in isolation for the first time for about 2 years now. Ironically during that time, I'm finding a kind of focus that I've rarely been able to maintain because of other people always being around. I'm able to concentrate on myself and what I need to do in my life without feeling guilt or shame, or worry or doubt or fear. I also - as you say - feel "safe" in a way I cannot ignore. I realize it's the first time, in many ways, that I've ever felt this feeling of simply being able to exist without some threat, punishment, criticism or pressure. In an ideal world, I would be able to share life with someone, but I also am seeing how safe I feel in isolation and how productive it has been for me, and it crosses my mind at times, that now that I've found this, I don't know that I'm willing to run of the risk of sacrificing or jeopardizing it for anyone.
@@ets5697 Your description 'I feel safe in a way I can't ignore'. Is perfect. I know what you mean. I resent it when I have to engage with people in person. 'Safe' people seem to be a rarity and at this point in my life I'm not willing to give up the space I feel good in to seek them out.
48 here - and same - father, ex-husband and sister :(
Same - living in private isolation is ironically the ONLY way us survivors can live like a normal human being. It's hard to overcome distrust of others and find safe ppl when you escape in yr 40s and 50s
I can relate to that
Pay attention to the way your body feels when you are around the person….your body will tell you
My narcissistic mother doesn't want me to solve her problems... if her problems were solved, she'd only have to find new ones to keep clamoring about. She just enjoyed watching me TRY to solve her problems. It was the attention and sympathy she was after, not the actual solving of actual, real problems. She had no problems except the ones she created in order to have something to wail about.
Good point!!
wow, we have the same mother. 😂
LOL. Called her a manipulative fake puppet and that was it. She knew she was figured out. The gig was up
Exactly
Narcissist parents also don't want your own problems to get solved. That will make them feel jealous of you.
I think what really strikes me about safe people is their ability to enjoy themselves in their life.
Also, no negativity. Complaining, criticizing or comparing.
Well and more freedom to be authentic, not having to mask so much. That's what I look forward to in my future safe relationships, what must it be like to feel completely yourself and feel accepted by those around me. What we all wish for
I really don't think it's true that safe people are super happy, nor is it true that they have no negativity, no complaining, no criticising... In many many situations (consider, when you are the victim of narcissistic abuse) it is appropriate to not enjoy it, to see it negatively, to complain about it, to criticise the abusers.
@@Hippowdon121 THIS. I'm safe but I'm 😢
@@kimberleyb4002sounds like toxic positivity
I found another point that was very helpful from Henry Cloud’s book on Safe People. Safe people don’t talk one-up to you but treat you as equals. I have also found a true indicator is to test whether that person allows you to have your own preferences, or if they need you to adhere to their choices/opinions.
I appreciate you so much because I recently stopped dealing with a woman who got mad at me for not being the same religion as her, and looking back at her behaviors it’s pretty clear she’s got some narcissistic traits if not full-blown NPD.
Thank you for pointing out that this is a common with them now I can watch for it ❤
This (being ok with others having their own preferences) seems like a no brainer. But it was so ingrained into me since childhood that it took me well into my 60s to see how abnormal my family system was. Continuing to insist I must like the same music, TV shows etc as they do. When I finally moved physically to place where I felt joy and peace I was bombarded with “concern”. I’ve gone NC (without anger or malice) and things are FINALLY becoming clear. The peace is incredible.
Imagine being born around a vortex that slowly, imperceptibly, sucks in your light. Not only is the presence of that drain an injury, but also that that person was supposed to be a source of strength for you, someone you could rely on. Not only do you not have that safe rock to rest on, but every time you try to put your hand down on something solid, it drains you. And you try to grow up, to make friends, to become a human being, to do the demanding business of establishing a life. And then you go out into the world, and you attract the same kind of people. You don't know what it is like to have your light honored by another, but you are starving for it. Even if the people who drain you do so slowly, it is the lack of satisfying relationships that hurts, and over the years turns into starvation and malnutrition. You're an adult, and you've been on this planet 30 years, and there was a whole lot of life and love that wasn't there.
I was born into the exact opposite of that vortex and then married the vortex. It has killed part of me….
I know that vortex. Its bad
so true!!!!
One small side note: narcissists are not empty. They are filled with dread. Empty would be less dangerous.
Yes, they are quite literally the result of the same abuse.
Jealousy, rage, insecurity, fear of abandonment. It’s super sad to think about it really.
Interesting. Maybe the dread drives them to find relief or distraction from it.
@@philipbrooks7640kinda like a drug addict escaping reality
True. The way I came to understand it is that narcissists have extreme fear of abandonment and disapproval. So, before someone else makes those fears come true, they blame that someone of the same things so that the other person would feel guilty, try to correct themselves, not blame this person, and not leave this person because they're not the one who's wrong. The problem is, narcissists have internalized this coping mechanism so much that they actually believe it's always the other person's fault if they become emotionally dysregulated and it's always the other person's responsibility to provide them with emotional regulation. So, they are usually quite opposed to become emotionally self-aware enough to realize what's happening because that would mean they would have to face those dreaded feelings of guilt, shame and disgust with themselves for being who they are, which is the first step to overcoming those fears of abandonment and disapproval, which will lead to them actually empathizing with others and have healthy relationships.
As a child the only way I could get a moment’s peace was to isolate because my parents expected to see you moving and being productive at all times. They demanded obedience and compliance. The impact into adulthood is not being able to rest, and not knowing what my needs are. It’s devastating.
same, but now i spoil myself. i say, if i had a husband who tduly loved me, would he let me do, buy, etc for myself. of course its always yes:) it helps to use to give yourself permission
Wow same
Constant movement,
Don't !
Correct. Because we not love ourself. We learned to love the others in a distorted way. With meditation we can heal. Taking out time and deeply breath.. In the most lovely surrounding we can built for us. Like a nest. This is when my soil starts rising.
Same, but I eventually put religion/spirituality in place of the parent. I thought I had moved past the parent issue but took another 30 years to realize my image of God/Source was that of a demanding father that loved me but was never quite happy with my performance. My thought process: "I'm not sure what, but I must be doing SOMETHING very wrong or my life would be better." I basically created a replacement demanding oppressor in my own mind.
I have yet to find healthy people. There's a TON of people with very high narcissistic traits out here in the wild, and I'm finding it pointless to even go out anymore...
.. Speaking about being social, and finding new, healthy friends. There needs to be a support group, with healthy people paired with us survivors, with the healthy people being vetted. I'm the scapegoat, only child, and had this belief even further cemented, due to my religious family...it was always about everyone else, except me. The more I served, the more praise I got, and my narcissist parents (both were), left me alone...but that was always short lived. Now, I'm happy my family estranged me in teenage years, and have been on my own ever since, and I'm 51. ❤
Yes!!!!!
Yes
My family has been the same. Living in peace, just a few safe people.
Healthy people being vetted and paired with survivors is called therapy. Otherwise you're simply using healthy people as a therapist.
I survived a malignant narcissist mother and diagnosed sociopathic ex. It isn't our friends' or support group's job to act as our therapists; that's a lot of weight to place on them.
@@ArtemisSilverBow I beg to differ. One cannot associate socially with their therapist. A safe person can just be someone to have fun with & not feel threatened by. They play very different roles, imo.
I'm 58 and I never had a safe person in my entire childhood. Right now I am living in isolation, doing IFS therapy on my own and finally connecting to my inner child parts that are so traumatized. I'll connect with myself first.
As a scapegoat, I was the person least capable of filling my parents up. Every other person had a bit of value to them in some way, but I had nothing acceptable to offer. So, I fulfilled their needs in that way, by being the designated loser.
Same here ❤ I was so conditioned to be the "bad guy".
Maybe, but even if that's true you became that way on their watch or as a result of inheriting their genetic material. It's more likely what you had to offer threatened to either expose or outshine them. One doesn't need to designate a loser (undermine competence) if he can find some way to take credit for it behind the child's back.
❤️❤️❤️ sending you love ❤️ what a lie, remember they can’t really see you. They can only see what plays in their own mind. I hope you’re finding kindness and love for yourself. Through that a sense of who you are, and your inherent worth. I believe we are all made beautiful and miraculous beings. Don’t play their fake role for you!
I experienced this too but you are not a loser in truth. This is their own projection of themselves onto you.. ThEY are mentally defective and immature losers
@@dreamscape405I’m sorry that you also have experienced this. It is undeserved, and I hope you know that you are more deserving of compassion than you were led to believe.
I gave up on having a good relationship with my two narcissistic parents. My role as the loser scapegoat was iron clad so I was wasting my time and energy. Now I am more discerning and choose to enjoy being with safe pleasant people. They ARE out there!
I still experience some anxiety about what new friends think or if I am not fulfilling their expectations but happily this anxiety is being confirmed as unnecessary.
It's so nice to read your positive comment. At some point we have to realize that by self-isolating and withdrawing from everything, the only people we're hurting are ourselves. Bessel Van Der Kolk, who, among others, says it's impossible to heal on our own and that it's only by finding connection with ourselves can we release the trauma.
The biggest green flag in a relationship is the ability to be accountable and apologize genuinely. I'm through with allowing myself to be treated like crap because my parents decided I wasn't worth care and consideration.
@@neuroqueercoach I have lived the opposite. Grew up in a storybook with an epic childhood and fantastic loving stable parents. Then I married someone completely dysfunctional.
And yes zero care and consideration, the degree of selfishness is so significant I can’t even truly comprehend how a grown human could be that oblivious to others needs and also totally fail to do almost anything for anyone besides themselves.
And yes he does NOT do accountability, holding himself accountable for his behavior is extremely rare.
@@lijohnyoutube101 oof, yeah if you don't see it coming, that can wreck your whole world. I hope you're getting the support you deserve. I can suggest some youtubers to help if you've interest.
This was the answerr to a question I have asked myself for 50+ years: Will something bad happen to others if I am me?
Instead of the question
Will something bad happen to me if I am me?
@@DebbieLee-dr3hrAmd then comes the question who is me anyway?
My mother would say, "You would feel better about yourself if you put me first."
So sorry, that is horrible!😢
My mother accused me of being the cause of all her sorrow as well as her marital problems since I was little.
Wow! I hope you're no contact now. What a despicable oxygen thief she is/was. So happy you can see her clearly 🥰
OMG! 😮
What, really?? Omg...
1 very import NG marker of safe people is, that they always stand on your side. They can dedect immediately your hurt and injustice behavior of others towards you. They give you a hug, and offer their help as you need it. They are sensitive to your individual desires.
Narcissist abuse "be useful or _______"
Yeah, be useful and/or support my gradiosity - else you are nothing to nobody and deserve contempt
Be gone.
be nothing and receive nothing.
Be abandoned; physically, emotionally or both
Love your dog. Was 'raised' by a narc who terrorized dad too. They ultimately kill thru vampirism. Your chan is deeply insightful and healing. UA-cam has become this well of wisdom.
I’m in recovery and the only real friend I’ve found in life is Christ. I feel so bad about myself most days trying to tune out the abusive behavior. I am so scared of being unsafe with people that I isolate myself. I’m grateful for Christ. I wish everyone healing and love.
Stay on this path! My faith in GOD is what has kept me safe in the most miraculous of situations. Putting GOD FIRST you can never go wrong!
Stay blessed, safe and prosperous. Jesus WILL get you thru this ✨🙏🕊️✨
This is the best summary of my life. It now feels safe to me when my friends have lots of other friends! And they don’t love bomb me.
just because someone has a lot of friends doesn’t mean their safe- some narcissists like a lot of attention. just be yourself and try to see who you can get along with....
they* are safe^
I’m learning that sometimes less is more…
It’s harder to maintain a large group of friends and know who’s on your side who isn’t .
It’s pretty easy to maintain a few friends , even if they don’t really know each other. You can really see who they are.
There’s certain qualities that are needed to have a trusted friend … you are not gonna find that in a large group.
Pay attention to larger groups of women: there is always the head chicken who tells everyone else what to do… they love having a large group of women around them for the influence and control. It’s pretty easy to pick that out.
The harder time is in smaller groups of women where everyone is pretending to not want to control … you’ll find the women… usually in smaller groups. It’s passive control rather than overt boisterous control in a large group.
The smaller group of women will try to convince you to put up with things you shouldn’t and will use their emotions and how they feel through their “heart “ what you should do.
Real friends are honest with you in a loving way … they let you know when what you do is hurting them or bothering them. Real friends ask how you are doing…
I realize I wasn’t a real friend for a long time because of my own problems and my own hurt… I didn’t care about others like I thought I did.
That attracts bad people .
Now that I am learning and healing from narcissistic parents and working through my part of what causes issue in my marriage and my husband either ignore or deal with his own issues- I’m not there to rescue him. He’s not here to rescue me… that is individual work.
But since I have worked very hard on myself the past several years , I have much better friends and I’ve been to release those who seem unhealthy….
It doesn’t mean people don’t have problems or struggles … friends don’t gossip and destroy you behind your back; they care about you and they want to know how you’re doing but also talk about each other and get to know who you are not just what you are to them.
Remember, even bad friends will be there for you if they want to feel good about themselves … can you show up on the doorstep at the moment.
Are they there for you when no one else notices?
Your friends don’t care about getting credit for things they’re just there and they want you not what you can do for them
My 12-step meetings are places where I can go where people are taking care of themselves.
I was at a meeting with a friend, technically I was enemy camp. 🫢 I had just come away from relationship where my ex ruined our lives by being on drugs. Ok these are the people in recovery, some court ordered, but working on it.
I was THRILLED to hear names of books and speakers some followed in the self help arena! Same people I follow. It was very exciting to go back and forth with people that GET IT!
I don’t care how they wound up on that path, they’re trying to understand, fix and improve.
Thrilled me to no limit. With th ex, just lies, no accountability, blame shifting. It’s not that I don’t or won’t forgive, I just find progress a thing to celebrate!
I wish you well on your journey, and the others in your group. I’m proud of you from far away. You got this!
✨🥰✨
It took decades and many learning experiences to teach me this, but I am in no way responsible for what others think or how they react. If somebody gets upset over just words, they have a lack of EQ, which isnt taught.
I learned to control my thoughts, emotions, and my speech. Others can do the same.
Sigma empaths have strong boundaries. Mine came mostly from a narc mom. I now don't regret the past and the abuse. It has all conspired to make me the woman I am today, and I finally like and love myself. Sweet spot!
Anybody else see it?
Can you explain what a sigma empath is?
@user-du7ht7vi5w an empath who has done healing work and learned how to have healthy boundaries / expectations in relationships , essentially ! no longer a doormat , but standing in their power
Nice! ✨🥰✨
I'm that person who was putting my needs last and fulfilling the role of making others happy, particularly men...although it was my caregiver of the same sex who required it. Navigating new waters now trying not to unconsciously take care of men's needs over my own and get entangled in affairs that blow up in disaster because of this pattern
It's why I finally realized that it isn't worth pursuing another relationship, both due to my age, & how much of my life I want to live on my own terms. Every ex sabotaged my pursuing my own dreams. Today, I put all my energy into my SoulFam members, as well as working on my creative legacy
Yep👍 its SO HARD😫 I so rejected motherhood as a career, just realised at 55🤦 Ive spent a lifetime mothering motherless single disfunctional men😳 ALL MY LIFE🤣 and fluffy wee dogs😂 I lived my life knowing I couldnt cope with hsving kids like my narcissistic siblings and that there was nothing in my mother's life of mothering I wanted😳 I DID NOT KNOW THERE WAS ANYTHING DIFFERENT😩
Thank you Mr. Reid, I feel that for the lucky ones that grew up in healthy homes know all this intuitively but for us with these type of parents it helps to have these written down so that we can look back on, reflect and see where it’s healthy to be at and what to avoid.
This video and the comments are so relatable. I also found for so long, the only way I could turn off this automatic attention to others and focus on myself was to be alone.
It is correct that narcissistic parents live from the outside in. My parents were superficial and shallow. And, yes, my mother tried to use me as a tool to make her feel good about herself. But I was a kid. I didn't understand what was going on. Yes, my mother thought she owned me.
If a stranger broke into your house and abused your kids, you would get revenge by calling the cops, arresting the abuser, and punishing them with jail time. The public will worship you for your bravery and commitment to getting justice.
So explain this to me - if your parents abuse you, and you get revenge, why is that considered "bad."? Why are you gaslit with stuff like "getting revenge just makes things worse for your, learn to let go and forgive."
Again let's go back to the strange breaking into your home and abusing your kids. What if I told you "hey Jay, don't call the cops, dont try to get this person thrown in jail, that will just make things worse for you. learn to forgive"
I DO understand you. But I think for me, getting past it to live MY LIFE was important. I like self improvement. I find I don’t have the bandwidth to WASTE on negative people. I’d rather savor my energy and spend it on myself.
This way, I’ve made myself my priority, and I do NOT care one whit about what THEY think or do or don’t do. I’m no longer feeding the trolls off my own table.
If I could’ve understood this so much earlier in life! Also, don’t take ANYTHING personally.
It also took me decades to understand THAT nugget of wisdom too!
If you remove yourself from the toxic situation, they will do the same damage to the next person in that slot.
This was proven to be true 55 years later! They never change! It is ABSOLUTELY NOT PERSONAL. Your golden child sibling could’ve just as easily been the black sheep. As we’ve already been wounded by this terror, our REACTION to their provocation can be utterly devastating TO US. See?
When you can detach, understand that ANY PERSON put into that situation would’ve been abused, ok? Back up, take yourself out of it, and we’re back to the first part, spend your energy coins WISELY: on YOURSELF!
I hope this makes sense. It took me WAY TOO LONG to figure it out. I’m not saying condone, but for YOUR OWN SAKE.
You don’t get those 5 minutes back. May as well enjoy YOUR NOW. Don’t worry about THEM. They ARE truly miserable. I promise.
And in the end, YOU WILL feel lighter, I can’t even imagine THEIR deathbed thoughts.
You CAN GET OUT IF THIS, just be selfish in a healthy way and put YOUR WELL BEING FIRST.
Stay blessed.
@@WhiteWolfBlackStar you’re allowed to think that
Justice is NOT the same thing as revenge, lol. Hence the fact that they are different words.
@@CobraDove1111 Exactly. Seems like my comment flew over your head :)
So helpful, thank you! Yes, those types of relationships have been so exhausting. Sadly, it's all I know so I avoid ALL relationships. Logically, I know they're not supposed to be like that. I've been isolating until I find a better way. I'll look into imaginary crimes.
Thank you so much Dr Jay! I really appreciate your messages. This one in particular is really important. Often we’re drawn towards the familiar rather than what’s healthy
I asked a wise person once how do you know whether to keep giving money to someone in need, and I was told to watch the person once the money is handed over to see how they are managing it, also does this person keep coming back and asking for money all the time or are they finding ways and means to use whatever talents they may have to generate new income. This was something I experienced with a cousin who kept asking for help,but the underlying issue was that he preferred not to work and live off others. Definitely not a safe cup to be filling anymore. Thanks Jay 🙏Another in-depth and helpful video🎞📹Hope you and Brizo 🦴🐾🦴🐾have a lovely ⛵️weekend further✨🌈💫
@@kristahackleylmt2064 👍
Jay, you hit the nail on the head...AGAIN
Thank you. Im graduating in psicology and im a survivor of severe narcisistic traumatized people that ended up passing their trauma onto me. Im healing and improving because of years of inner work and studying and then i found your channel. Thank you, you put this in such a good way that people can understand. I can never be too grateful for the souls that are on this path and are generous enough to help into freeing others. Only we know the darkness of being trapped in the view that a narcissistic parent have into us and about our worth.
Thank you.
Im from Brazil btw. Your help is reaching people in long distances :)
“I don’t want you to worry about me” then proceed to be miserable when I said ok and left. - mom
It’s taken years to decode but I have made progress I think this next relationship will be an indicator if I have healed. I went through a lot of toxic codependency
You may want to pause; thinking that a ‘next relationship’ has the answer to tell you something about yourself sounds unhealthy to me.
@@Sparrow0514 relationships are the best teachers i think you may have misunderstood my intentions, i have been single for almost 3 years.
This is really just one aspect of "safe people", and relates more to covert narcissists. There are plenty more psychopathic narcissists who aren't using people for emotional support/don’t need supply in that sense but are still highly abusive.
to be fair most victims of abuse have a deep need people for people to show love to "fill up" their need to feel loved but that is due to the hurt they feel but they are not toxic, just need loved due to chronic lack of love for most (or all) of their lives
just because someone needs people to show love does NOT Make them abusive!!!
For my vision board, I took notes of the 5 signs of a safe relationship AND paraphrased what made Claire such a good/safe friend. Thank you for helping me articulate this. It truly resonates!
I especially love this post because oftentimes people aren’t aware that they are born into roles that the parent, siblings, and the entire family assign. It’s best to find the safe people around us and know that being around safe and unsafe people look, feel, and be like. Thanks for another insightful video! 💜
augh. When I hear my story on this channel, I just cringe. I am not in a relationship until I feel like I know who I am and what I need. This is all new to me and feels weird but I will get used to it.
This helped pay a foundation for me this morning that prevented me from leaving Self when the unhealthy person struck out today.
Your doggie in the chair ❤ and my gosh, do you describe me and how my relationships were. Big emphasis on past tense! Thanks to much healing and recovery from amazing channels like yours.
OMG ALL my boyfriends! I had to wait until I knew they didnt 'need' to be looked after before I could commit🤦 THANKS SO MUCH FOR EXPLAINING!! Narcissistic parents/siblings😊
This is what I was supposed to watch today.
Yes.... Yes.... and Yes. Need to heal from this.
If they ask anything from you, it’s only advice never money or time or work or anything
I slowly distanced from most family(people i want to love) after both parents died...now having some good contact with 1-2 siblings (using boundaries). Yesterday, i spent an evening out having dinner with a trusted friend. I felt alive, validated, cared about, safe and remembered what I need- is what's been missing.
😅 I took it literally. My narcs would always ask me to fill their cups to drink for them all the time coffee milk water... But the people who are safe not only never ask me to buy request I don't. It was hard to unlearn.
Thank you, Dr Reid!
Thank you. Happy sleepy doggy❤!
I feel screwed. I don't trust anyone anymore at this point. Everyone I've loved deeply has tried destroying me. Relationships aren't that difficult. I just want to eat, go to the beach, Disneyland, and Knottsberry Farm. Not sure why it's so difficult to find men that care about something other than porn and The Kardashians. I look forward to passing on from this life. The only man I'll entertain at this point is one that lifts me up and makes me want to live 50 more years. Otherwise I have no doubt I wont make it..Too many parents have taught their kids to drink alcohol and do drugs. The world is doomed. Narcissists are everywhere. I feel like I'm dying. 😢
Don’t give up!!! FIGHT for your life! its the enemy wants take you down, rebuke all the negative thoughts, don’t drink, eat healthy, you will recover!!
Disneyland is always a good idea
Stuff like Disneyland is immature and illogical, it's irrelevant to a meaningful existence, and that's probably why no man is interested in it. Add all that expenditure and he's definitely heading out ahead of time.
Haha I hear this. It’s way too much work but hang on, my friend. There are good people out there.
Safety as a scapegoat/narcissistic survivor combined with #1 physiological needs according to Maslow’s Hierarchy/Pyramid. It is so important until I reached the other side of healing. I would also stipulate without a doubt that the new pyramid regarding #3 was practically non-existent and that self-love and self-actualization NOW becomes #3. ❤
Wow. Good information. I listen to alot of videos about narcissist abuse- this really keys in on its effect on children.
I relate very strongly, unfortunately. I always feel i MUST ATTEND to whoever im with. My attention must go to them at all times or i will be af hurt or insult them in some way. Its fear based.
Its crazy and im going to practice not doing it anymore and, instead, deal with whatever feelings come up . Thank you for a great video.
Physiological safe people own their problems. This means 1st of all, they recognized their wrong personality traits on their own (people on their outside don't have to make big efforts for them to see them) & r wanting to better them. Also, what Jay said, " & dont feel entitled to others fixing what they feel inside." To elaborate, it is right to not feel intitled in some ways & amounts, but not others; also u should receive certain thgs from others, especially family members, like offering help to lean on & work against certain QUANTITIES of defects on ur personality/character, but not to the point of an abuser like narcisist & such.
For me, it was stressful to choose myself sometimes in my current relationship because I was expecting him to become mad or withdraw. I have been shocked that he doesn’t. He is understanding, cares about what I think & what I want, and we can disagree about something without it being a big deal at all. Probably the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in (in 50).
THANK YOU , THANK YOU, THANK YOU. Mr. Reid, the video describes very well my childhood. After 30 yrs. of studying and trying to fix it I can accurately state that. I needed to hear it in this context. It cleared a lot of things for me. I also learned a few things. You couldn’t gotten here at a better time. Keep up the good work. May the Universe bless you!
good thing i like me, thats all i got now
👊
This seems more like what happens with a child of a borderline personality, not a narcissist.
This is quite close to what is happening. BPD and NPD have overlapping traits and can actually go hand in hand. My sister is a psycho therapist and suspects our mom has BPD (childhood trauma driven). I see, have experienced a lot of narcissistic behaviors growing up.
Great video Jay!
Glad YT recommended this. Thanks for thoughtful, useful content. Hadn’t previously considered this possibility and parts resonate.
Safe people have a heart felt reaction to connection, it’s non judgemental, mutual, empathetic, often quiet, warm, accepting and soothing. Narcs despite their smooth charming exterior feel jagged, fragmented, not present even when they are looking directly at you. They are brittle with an undercurrent of rage. I can literally feel the scheming expectations going on, energy just doesn’t lie. I’m done automatically believing the best in people, that kind of belief system leads to selection error. I just take people as they come and l never chase. If people treat me badly l consider them untrustworthy the 1st time and they don’t get a 2nd chance. If lm treated well we go to the next level of trust. I find it’s most important to be that safe person for myself. Good boundaries, get rid of guilt and shame, self loving habits, space for what l want and need to do. Basically learning to love and meet my own needs first. Truly 90% of my past relationships were a gross imposition of my time, energy, health, resources and selfhood. NARCS are time wasters, no substance, no-one home just a ravenous empty vessel.
they are excellent points, nice to see you again. You're channel has grown a lot !
Its been tough, I always had to fill others cup... tough lesson but I had to start saying no and distance myself... or else they would expect me to be there all the time for them, its impossible because they are never happy, maybe for a few minutes but that's it... it can be constant...best thing to do is distance yourself
This is a great proactive and thought provoking video. Thank you!
Great video Jay
Thank you so much for talking about looking away from the parent - it’s always been a huge problem for me as my parents both demanded that when they talked to me, I’d sit and look them in the eyes. My father would rage if I looked away even momentarily or looked less than fascinated with what he said. He demanded that especially when he berated me for hours and sometimes for days. I’m now a caretaker for my vulnerable narcissistic mother who stares at me intensely all the time, and often in quiet rage. Then I can’t look at her and I have to escape as quickly as I can. I feel that she’s trying to show me how horrible I am and it can be just because I didn’t show over the top excitement when seeing her.
Do you have any advice on how to handle her staring?
I have always put my happiness first, 😊😊mumzie expected too much from me. When I became a parent I never required my kids to fill me up like that. I was tough as nails when I was one ys old, when I saw a woman who can't take care of herself or me. I'm grateful I forged ahead and played my music , never stopping . My anger turned to the arts to soothe me . 😊 My animals teach me what true love is.❤
Another great video. Thank you! I was wondering if you ever considered looking at a specific situation that characterized my last relationship: that is people who demand way too much AND give way too much. This was a very confusing situation for me personally. My partner demanded that I "fill him up" in all the ways you've described in this video--needing endless attention, considering me responsible for his emotional wellbeing, etc. But he also treated me as thought I needed him to fill me up. And the fact is that I did not need that--so the result was always just TOO MUCH of everything. Over-the-top gifts, texting me back within 10 seconds of every message, never leaving me to have alone time, etc.
This was very confusing because it was like he was giving me a zillion gifts I never asked for and then demanding payment for all of them. I don't know if that has a name, but I would be interested to know if others have experienced this.
Yes. It's called love bombing and it's manipulation
It sounds like codependent behavior. Codependents think they mean well, but can end up overwhelming others. I can see how it would be too much!
If a safe person does a favor for you or gives a gift, nothing is expected back. Also they never mention it to others. They don't need praise or acknowment.
Once again, you've nailed it.
My parents would have been my biggest fans if they were still alive today. My Dad would of financially supported my modeling. My Mom would have supported my singing and acting.
Thank you! This describes my life.
How do tell if you are survivor of a narcissistic wife and now you know. How do not let everyone walk on you?
Thank you Dr. Reid for all the info you have been sharing. I have been involved in a young persons' life for 1.5 yrs as a safe adult. The info you have shared has helped immensely during this time trying to figure out what is going on! And I have more patience for their behaviours. A teacher pointed out that when they are rude/neg/condescending to me, they are acting out how they've been treated. Do you have info. on that aspect of being a child of narc. parents?
thank you, this topic is super helpful!
what if you been abandoned and isolated by abuser and have nowhere to go? Last year i felt in charge of my life and now i’ve come down with some rare type of nerve damage that’s supposed to have me wheelchair bound within a year and i don’t have a single person to call for support. If you have no support system, does your life even matter? Honestly i don’t see anyone surviving with some type of support but i definitely feel this emptiness from my parents and it makes sense like you can never feed them enough.
What do you do when you are your narcissistic mother’s primary care giver?
You must have taken the beautiful dog in the back on a loooong walk for him to be sleeping so tightly. Good to see a pup so content. I noticed a pattern in the choice of whom I'm with. I tend to be with people who demand of me to be more demanding towards myself than I can be in order to help them to fulfill their own need to ignore their own needs, while they have created a huge space of dominance through achievements and being hardworking, to an extent that allows them to be ahead of everyone else, so no one can get to them in person. So I find myself caught in a constant sense of bein inferior and having to step up, giving more than I hav, whithout actually achieving something, only to be asked to step up and show at least a little bit of effort, so they are not the ones who end up doing everything (that they chose to take on as their task). What can I do ? Because, technically, the are right: The one who is a solid rock, delivers reliably, is the one to prefer according to my own ethics. Civilisation and even cave society in the ice age weren't built on people feeling good, but by those who built things no matter how they felt.
When you date an addict who can’t take care of themselves, they’ll feel entitled to you running their life for them And jealous when you do anything good for You.
All these situations stem from having had crappy parenting. It’s sooo hard to break the pattern but once you do, life is so much better. You only accept good treatment 🎉
Excellent, thank you!
How would you fit neurodivergence into this framework? Many neurodivergent people (e.g. autistic people) are not able to be self-sufficient or "fill their own cup" and need help to co-regulate. Would you modify the framework at all to account for this?
Doctor is it true that most of childhood trauma comes from narcissistic abuse?
After YEARS of Dealing, the TRUTH came out and I am free...kind of. I feel it close by. My family continued without me. They all were a Group and I ended up withdrawing to not be noticed. Now I'm 72 and my entire life was a LIE and I'm having a hard time dealing. When I try to think of memories all I "see" are white empty triangles. ???
Turns out, I did NOT ruin my Teen Mom's life because she had a secret son before me who was adopted by the CEO of SEARS. Turns out we grew up isolated...down a dirt road in the middle of a cornfield. Because it turns out my Dad was not some Midwestern Hick but the son of a powerful Chicago Gangster and I grew up in the HideOut. There is more but I don't want to write a book. It's just that without a History I am having a mental fracture and I hope I'm coping OK.
Yep!!!
Is it possible that the scapegoat could become a narcissist due to learned behavior from the parent?
surely certain traits, but we are able to look themself and change! we have all traits of narcissism, we are not narcissism for that. narcissist even look themself and surely not try to change, its that who made them narcissist.
The bf the man doesn't have a name yet u adopt her name as Amanda it's confusing in your illustration of your story to get people to hear "a man" when u say her name Amanda.
ESL moment.
Borderlines make u feel this way !!
Would have appreciated at least 10 minutes spent on Identifying “safe people” organised into categories and then discussed in detail with multiple examples. Was disappointed that level of information was not provided.
0:55 Pretty sure this (via repetition compulsion) is why Will Smith smacked Chris Rock
La bambina non e mia figlia io nonsono sposoto con elina davia
But Jay... this means that I'm a safe person :D
That's wonderful then. 😌👍
de riguer doggo
👍
Why would someone want to deal with people that are so not self aware and operating on default/crappy programming when you are so much higher than that? Go find people on your level. People on crappy /default programming would love for you to cater to them. So stop and go to others like you. Less work for all parties and more enjoyment too
narcissism is a spiritual issue, fueled by the attacks of the enemy of our souls. victims of this type of abuse need, not only therapy, but Jesus' love to deliver them from this demon. Perfect Love casts out fear, and every other bad thing too. this demon follows a person their whole life, which is why it seems that everyone we "attract" abuses us the same way, and you can't get away from it and into a healthy loving relationship. Seek Jesus and let him fight your battles for you. God bless you in Jesus' name. Amen.
Thank you 🤎
This is one of the best videos on UA-cam.
I looove your videos
Safe people seem to be interested in your opinions and experiences that are different than theirs. It shows acceptance and respect.
Not all the time. Sometimes narcs are extremely interested in you, not because they care but because they're studying you, learning what makes you tick so they can plan their lives in yours
abbas joy- exactly. some of the comments on here portray narcissists in one way. the fact is- prayer is the key and discernment to know what’s safe and what’s not
It does show acceptance and respect and it is so beautiful
though rare as hens teeth
Yes, sometimes they listen for ways to trap you later on. Genuine people don't act like this. Usually though you can tell what they are about after a few interactions.
it was such a relief to learn healthy adults take care of themselves...anybody who regularly triggers those old guilt feelings is not a safe person.
Well put! I wish I could give your comment more than one thumbs-up!
You can voice your opinion comfortably knowing they won't agree with you but won't get offended.
With safe people their is solution oriented discussion.
They are self development focussed so no bitching or talking about other's.
As a child of two narcissistic parents, a shoutout to my gorgeous adult life friends who check all the boxes in safe relationships. I'm eternally grateful, thank you all.
This 👏👏👏👏 so lucky.
I always notice when people listen to me.
I find that I isolate myself now more than ever.
I feel that I have lost the ability to trust.
Than you are in their game. If that happens the focus is on trying to please others, if we not feel competent about ourselves we not talk at all. So we isolte. The key is to notice the dussapearance of joy in us. Look out for what makes us happy and give it to us. Stop looking to find something worthy to give the other. So wrong. Life and do what you like 100 pro!
Me too. 😢
Jay, thank you for this excellent video! After reading the comments, I realize that so many of us are choosing isolation instead of exploring new realtionships. Some have lost decades of life to merely surviving narcissistic relationships and are now grieving that deeply. In an attempt to live fully and make the most of every bit of life remaining, we are not willing to gamble with our time. Isolation feels extremely safe. Although we know connection is important, we don't have the physical or emotional energy to risk it. Thank you for this information! It feels like I have guidance on how to begin. Many blessings to you and to everyone walking this path.
Having a pet is one way to deal with it.
You summed up my feelings perfectly. I grew up with an alcoholic father, narc mother and had a narc husband for fifteen years. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to meet new people and pray the cycle of abuse doesn't start all over again. The only safe zone is alone. I have a dog and that helps. I just wake up every day and try to make the best of things.
I’m pretty extroverted…
But my mirror relationship is so stressful and at times toxic- it is improving but the damage has been significant.
I dont have the social energy sometimes to go do stuff cuz the toll my difficult marriage has had on me. Plus my hubby isolates and usually has close friends that validates him rather than challenges him and he doesnt like that in me…
He wants to feel “comfortable”.
I have learned while relaxation is important- lassie faire and laziness breeds bad things.
We can rest and be content while growing and learning to be better.
We can also be friends with people who are good for us and are safe but also challenge us in good, healthy ways to be better
Maybe because being alone feels freeing to be oneself and one enjoys a rich interior life whereas being with others is what causes the feelings of isolation.