Why Physical Attraction Matters w/ Fr. Mike Schmitz
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- Опубліковано 9 січ 2024
- 📺 Full Episode: • LIVE From SEEK w/ Fr. ...
Fr. Mike tells a hard story about a young man who proposed to a young woman he was not attracted to. He tells us why physical attraction is important in marriage.
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Visiting a Benedictine monsastery, I had breakfast with a young frater. "Your order has the BEST habit!" I told him. He responded, "I know! The first time I tried it on I felt like a Jedi!"
I never watched Star Wars but I’m also attracted to Benedictines because of the habit
This is actually adorable
I honestly think its quite sad that we need to be told this, no its not wrong to want to be with someone you find physically attractive, and if you marry someone that you dont find attractive its just going to cause more issues down the line, you'd be doing a disservice to your spouse and yourself
It's important to not be grandiose in choosing our crosses.
Yup, exactly. Been there, done that. It does not work. It's not kind to the other person to not find them attractive, nor is it fun for the person who isn't attracted. No matter how great that person, if you don't want to be intimate with that person and they want to be intimate with you, you just get annoyed. It causes problems.
Totally agreed, got set up on a blind date recently by a very well meaning friend at my parish. She showed up and immediately it was like ahh crap. First time is ever been on a date with someone I had no attraction to. It was awkward. I can't imagine a lifetime of awkward.
The problem is people see the physical as the only thing. Esp women, they only choose men based on looks
@@01happykat that's what i always say but the amount of people I've heard say "well as long as they're kind and catholic that should be enough" I'm sorry it's not, marriage is two people in love not just two people who have signed a contract to live and have children together just because they both happen to go to the same church for an hour every Sunday
I wasn’t physically attracted to my husband. But he’s a good man who works hard.
Sometimes if you get to know someone, they then become attractive.
He’s not saying that can’t happen, he’s just saying that in the scenario he shared that wasn’t the case
That’s so sad to hear you don’t find your husband attractive.
@@BlackBeiting96 women find men attractive for their virtues not their physical appearance. So she likely does find him attractive, for qualities that actually last. It’s quite sad people can be so obsessed with looks and miss out on good people, she made the right choice.
if you where my wife i would he sad
the first thing ill do is go to the gym and get jacked
@@MD-S282
As a woman, I can tell you that physical attraction does matter, and it is different from attraction to virtue/personality. You can settle for one, but having both is ideal. I would never marry a man I'm not physically attracted to even if he was perfect in every other way unless I lived in the dark ages where that was my only survival option.
I needed this. I would feel guilty for liking someone physically because it can easily be twisted into lust.
We're not called to just love others physically, though, and physical attraction is still important for marriage. We're called to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and body, and in the same way show this same love to others. So for marriage, we're called to genuinely love our partners with our heart, soul, mind, and body. All four are important for a marital relationship.
I’ve been wrestling with this topic for days! Thanks for this video❤️ please pray I can find a good and holy spouse someday
If you’re a woman you’ll have no problems finding someone. Just don’t be all about looks like 99.999% of women are
1 Samuel 16:7:
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for the Lord does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
That is talking about a king, not a spouse
is fine but regardless of your sex if you are overweight dont take care of your hygiene that can cause many problems
the biggest lie people believe n dating is believing that someone will like you for you no matter what does not work like that.
Your looks do matter, but to a certain extent. The problem I find with folks on your point is that it seems like you will get a divorce merely because of attraction.
Song of Solomon would like to have a word with you…
That verse is about God selecting David to be a king, it has nothing to do with romantic partnerships.
Attraction is difficult to navigate. We are in such a pornified society that many young men I know in Catholic groups will use the “I’m not attracted to her” card, and “TOB says I need to find sexual attraction” to simply never choose from a myriad of women around them because they don’t look like supermodels.
I understand there needs to be that base attraction, but it has given some license to be mostly superficial.
And attraction can be so fickle. 😅
Spot on!
Doesn’t the same apply to women wanting dudes with bodies that only come from being juiced up on steroids, plus being over 6 feet tall which men can’t control?
True, especially when they are not that great a catch themselves.
Exactly it’s cus they watch so much porn so they think the average girl has huge DDs. Same with some women too, they can’t deal with a man that’s not at least 6 feet or doesn’t have 6 figures.
Informative, as usual. It's good to hear about the practical side of discernment.
Really good stuff Matt - very helpful!
I really needed all of this advice. Thanks.
Very helpfull thank you !!
This is helpful. Thank you
Thanks for the vid. I just embarked on online dating and this is the confirmation I needed.
I'm just gathering data and seeing what God shows me.
Great advice
good stuff to hear
I think when you're attracted to the person, the whole person, they then look beautiful to you. How this attraction works only God and your psychotherapist can tell you
It’s too bad women don’t see the inner beauty of ugly men like me
@@Mashfan6507 It's not about what most women think of you; it's about what one amazing woman thinks of you.
@@The4Tifier well, I don’t really think she’s out there for me
@@Mashfan6507 That's not up to you to decide. That's up to God. As long as you're seeking Him first, and working on yourself to be the person you want to be, then everything else you need falls into place.
In addition, if you continue to believe that you'll never get married, that will very likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy and you won't take care of yourself or prepare yourself for what would be necessary for a Godly marriage.
But do you want to live your entire life never trying to actually get what you truly want, or are you willing to take the risk and develop yourself to become and excellent and Godly husband even if it never happens?
@@Mashfan6507 Until you’ve literally tried absolutely everything, you owe it to yourself to keep trying and persevering through life. Otherwise, you’ll very likely never get what you actually want, and won’t reach the potential God wants to give you if you were to simply take the leaps of faith necessary.
Good advice also for a single person who doesn't understand the difference between "that man is attractive" and "that scenic painting is attractive." Thanks Fr. Mike
Oh man, did I need to hear this.
Most important is God has lead you to this person..Remember God looks at the heart..He will match you with someone best for you.
Beauty is only skin deep..I appreciate Father Mike.
But he too is in his human form
@@user-en6dx4ec5i God has been known to directly match people in the Bible. Like Ruth and Boaz, Isaac and Rebekah, and Mary and Joseph. And God is meant to be the Lord of our lives. So we still have to leave it up to Him to ultimately determine who we get involved with.
PREACH!!!
Great stuff Matt! Keep broaching those tough topics. A suggestion for the next issue, if you have the fortitude, of course, maybe touch on the highly controversial and divisive matter of which are the best colours.
God is merciful, thanks be to God!
Here’s the real juicy question:
If physical attraction matters (and I think it does), then what happens to those of us who are less attractive?
Those of us like me who are less attractive get to stay single for life.
That's what happens.
You get to hang out and hopefully marry the genuine authentic people who aren’t so superficial they are guided by hormones instead of God.
Don't give up hope! You never know what Gods plans are! You may be "less" attractive according to society but someone out there will find you VERY attractive. I find attraction can be so subjective!
@@xoxobabyimbackxoxo 💯. Authentic and genuine people are incredibly attractive. I feel sorry for those obsessed with looks only - they have many wounds that need healing if they can’t see the beauty of a holy person.
I guess we just have to take the L. Thankfully I have CatholicMatch to daily confirm my unattractiveness 😅
I am not Catholic/Christian but I am agnostic and actively searching for answers to bigger questions.
That being said, I often wonder if God is trying to tell me "Hey, you better settle down with her, she is the best one for you." or if He's saying "Just have patience, don't jump the gun, the perfect person for you is coming".
I am now in my mid-20s and realize eventually "the grass is greener" mentality runs stale, and you end up old and alone if you fall victim. I want a family more than anything in the world. But what scares me more than not having kids is having them with the wrong person.
Any insight is well appreciated in response to this. I am tired of being lost.
Might seem strange, try reading ‘12 rules for life- Jordan Peterson’ and ‘The road less travelled- Scott Peck’. Brilliant books.
They may help.
Also, try praying about it- morning and evening, ask for dreams, words- verses. Keep your eyes open ❤
You can also ask people around you for prayers, maybe even try visiting a church and talking to a Vicar/ try an alpha group etc.
if you are having premarital sex with that person thats already s problem if the relationship is making you fall into sin and pulling you away from God is probably not a good omen good news is that you are a man and you are the captain of the relationship . right?
@@antoniosalcido1931 I appreciate your insight, and noted. However, from a secular point of view, it seems that this point does not stand (as far as premarital sex goes). If the two love each other, and both feel an attraction to each other, it seems only natural that they would be having sex. Still acknowledging that sex is not something to be taken lightly, if they do it out of love, then are they not strengthening their relationship?
To counter myself, I am also well-aware of the dangers/risks that accompany "playing house" without having the sanctity of marriage to hold you both accountable.
Simple, really. Marriage isn't the ultimate goal in life, and is really an option for Christians.
But just as marriage provides us with many blessings, like the full wonder of sexual relations, it also comes with many burdens.
Each partner has a duty to the other; to serve their significant other in the way God intended them to.
In addition, once children enter into the picture, your life is changed forever, and there is no going back.
So when it comes to marriage, it's really simple (in no particular order);
1.) We have to be in a place in life where you genuinely want to get married.
2.) We have to find a Christian partner that we are attracted to and love with all our heart, soul, mind, and body to all their heart, soul, mind, and body.
3.) We have to trust them at an incredible level even if we don't fully know them (and we never will)
4.) You have to be willing to forsake all other lovers to declare yourself attached to this person and this person alone for as long as you both shall live.
5.) You both must be capable of fulfilling the Biblical duties of a husband and wife.
I think what they're saying is true, but it makes me wonder what about those people who have serious physical deformities or are otherwise very unlucky in the genetic lottery. What about those that nobody would be attracted to?
Then the unattractive people live chastely, according to their state in life. Otherwise, I guess I am not sure what you mean. I'm genuinely curious, because it seems like you're kind of asking "Who will keep a stiff upper lip and marry ugly people"? No one is obligated to marry. Consecrated virgins are also a thing, if someone feels like they want to take a formal vow of marrying the Lord in a public way without joining a religious order.
Unfortunately that's kinda a built in failsafe so bad genetics don't get passed on. Doesn't always work. There really is someone out there for everyone imo
@@imtired6104 oh I love your point. So many people feel entitled to the romantic love of others. But frankly, ugly or not, who would want to marry someone with that attitude?
Life isn't fair in general.
People are born rich or poor. Slave or free. Privileged and destitute. It's all not up to them. They're just born with it.
But regardless of what we're born with, we still each have a duty to use what we have for God's purposes.
De bono coniugali (On the Good of Marriage), St Augustine, 4th Century: "I know what people are murmuring: 'Suppose, they remark, 'that everyone sought to abstain from all intercourse?
How would the human race survive?' only wish that this was everyone's concern so long as it was uttered in charity, 'from a pure heart, a good conscience, and faith unfeigned'; then the city of God would be filled much more speedily, and the end of the world would be hastened."
Many heretics thought marriage or attraction (which is necessary for a marriage vocation to start) was evil, but that’s totally contrary to what the Catholic Church taught/teaches. If we weren’t attracted to women, the human race couldn’t survive.
And yes that means sexually attracted but it’s not lustful but out of love. But St Alphonsus says you should only be attracted to a member of the opposite sex in this way if there’s an actual legitimate prospect of you marrying them.
lol that got me. That’s an interesting thought that the motive is never going to be 100% pure…
But yeah you kind of need to shoot the shots to set your sights. No punnin intended. No cute animals were harmed in the making of this pun
It’s good because God made it.
Sounds if you tell yourself "I'm going to be a noble person here!" the proper answer is, "no, you're probably not."
To all the men complaining about being too ugly in the comments. I have seen very beautiful women marry very ugly men. To quote The Phantom of the Opera, "its in your soul that the true distortion lies."
Like x1000
A lot of "nice guy" personalities
What is this background noise?
they were recording at SEEK 2024, so there were a lot of people there and the room wasn't a studio
No, you shouldn't think issues of being unattracted to your partner are not a big deal if you're just "noble enough," but throughout the process of getting to know someone and learning to love them they WILL become more physically attractive to you.
Fr. Schmitz, what about the days when many marriages were arranged?
Also, what about us unattractive people? What are we supposed to do? My guess is that if we lived 150 years ago and there were a limited number of men in town and there was no TV/internet to set expectations I would do much better than I do today in finding a date.
I agree that physical attraction isn't a bad thing, but it is possible to find someone attractive in a non-superficial way that you don't initially have a physical attraction to.
Depends on the person. If I found a man physically unattractive, I could maybe enjoy his humor or other characteristics, but would not find him attractive. It wouldn't become romantic. If he was just ok physically, he could go from ok to attractive. I have a baseline. However, I wouldn't want to be in a romantic relationship with a man who finds me unattractive, either.
@@juanitadudley4788 What if, God forbid, you were in a car accident and were disfigured. If you couldn't find a man who saw you as meeting his baseline for physical attraction, should you just resign yourself to being single forever? Interestingly I have found that the less attractive a woman is, the lower her physical standards happen to be. I think there's a TON of superficiality out there and to a certain extent most of us have been influenced by our culture on this one. Again, physical attraction isn't bad, but stating that it's a sine qua non for marriage is something I don't necessarily agree with.
@@user-bb2lh8ie6p
This is a conversation with no greater pretensions than to give practical, general advice for making an important decision, such as becoming a priest or choosing whom to marry. They are not covering all possible cases or those common in the past.
It is true that attractive people have more options for finding a partner. In the same way that more intelligent people have more options to find a good job. Which does not mean that the less good looking will not find a suitable partner for them or that the less intelligent of us are destined to be unemployed. What I mean is that we are not talking here about there being a minimum standard of attractiveness below which it is not possible to find a partner. Couples are almost always similar with respect to how attractive they are individually. So it's not about you being more or less "superficial", but rather realistic in terms of your expectation to find the man/woman who finds you attractive. It's enough that he/she finds you attractive, even if you don't meet the supposed Hollywood standards. I mean, most of us don't and can still find the right one for us.
Good point. I find beauty standards with TV and the internet, unrealistic and unattainable for most. Hence, the rise in plastic surgery.
Us unattractive people simply grow old alone and eventually die alone without ever dating nor finding a spouse to get married with.
my family always shames me for this they tell me that i should he happy with any women that God “blesses” me with and yes i met some women that are very beatyfull but a soon as they open their mouth and find out how promiscous they are i dont find them that attractive no more but if i am going to marry someone it has to be a balance i am fit my self i go to the gym and eat healthy i am very active but i also expect the same from my spouse i hate lazyness specially because most of family is like that i love my parents and all but they are very mediocre people they are very comformists and i think that is very wrong we as christians need to gove am example to everyone and we must chase excellence spiritually emotionally and physically we where bpught at a price which means we have to take care of pur bodies and eat healthy
w comment never settle for less man just cause shes a 10 outside doesn't mean shes a ten inside, I say the best girls are facially a 5 or 5.5 or 6 max but past a 6 you start to dip into the bad territory. this is on a 1 to 8 scale not 1-10 scale so 4 and below are overweight or obese so 5 to 6 are not obese girls, 6.5 and up is celebs, models, and influencers and have a good day.💯
6.5 celebs wym? most women if they put in the work they will be 7+
thats the problem with man this this they see an attractive women and they already put them on a pedestal why? because she is pretty no way man
But also to add to that beauty and youth fade. Real quick. Attacti9n for me is like the icing on the cake. Nice to look at, but it shouldn't be the basis of your marriage.
As long as you take care of yourself, beauty doesn't actually fade. Youth certainly does, but not beauty. Have you seen celebrities like Josh Brolin, Michelle Pfeiffer, Hale Bery, and the Hemsworth brothers? All look incredibly attractive for their age despite being much older.
When on the same topic I hear Fr Ripperger give some advice and somebody else saying something different, I know which to follow.
Here's my position, and I'd like to know what you think:
physical attraction is a perk, but it is NOT important in marriage. The essence of marriage does not require "physical attraction." Let's say that one's spouse ended up in gruesome accident that rendered the person unattractive, the marriage wouldn't cease to exist. It's still marriage. Therefore, physical attraction is not an essential (and in turn important) aspect
not unless you want to have children and you want to have an active sex life i mean after all God created sex for marriage sex is glue for the couple it keeps them together
@@antoniosalcido1931 thanks for your input
Song of Solomon would like to have a word with you...
I'm surprised he survived five nights at Freddy's
He speaks so quickly. 😮 Good chat, though!
I do get being attracted to holy orders because they look cool. I think nuns are just so beautiful. I'm called to marriage and motherhood, but I want to support them.
How about finding their soul attractive??? FIRST
Ndxhx loves you
That is ridiculous. Physical attractiveness is NOT a requirement for marriage.
If I had a choice of marrying someone who I cared for, vs someone who was simply physically attractive, the answer should be obvious.
Too many kind people get rejected over for things that are out of their control, and this is not helping them.
@OmoplatatoGogoplata
No, it's a perfect dichotomy. I like both Father Mike and Matt Fradd, but physical attaction is NOT required for marriage canonically. It may not be ideal if a husband and wife are not attacted to one another physically, but its not a dealbreaker in the way they both describe it. That is too extreme.
Couples can absolutely be loving and fruitful without physical attaction. If anything, such a relationship would show love more than anything else.
Too many faithful and loyal spouses have been rejected for stupid crap like this. As such, I think it is important to just disagree here.
@@nicksimmons1305 I agree completely and I’m glad someone is standing up to this. Young people are doing themselves a disservice by thinking attraction is such a key thing to relationships. A good lasting marriage relies more on loyalty to God and your spouse than anything else.
@@harperelisabeth338 💯
You are saying you would choose person you care about instead of someone physically attractive, but what makes you care about this individual? Attraction. Mutual physical attraction is not a must for marriage, but it's extremely hard for it to be happy and fruitful without it.
@c.c6909
What makes me care about this person?
Attraction indeed. However, we are specifically referring to physical attaction here. Physical attaction, I believe, is fine and possibly even preferable. But it doesn't guide my decisions.
At the end of the day, it is quite shallow to think this way morally if you are completely honest with yourself.
God has given us to one another. He has made His original creation of united spouses into a Sacrament, a new creation in Christ.
The people He gives to us to choose are all sinners. So we may be crucified with Him. So we may forgive with Him.
Looking forward to it... and dreading it.😅
The way this priest speaks makes it impossible for anyone whose not a college educated native speaker to understand anything he says. Stop ‘speed talking’!
You can slow the speed of the video.
@@Breezy-jq6hq😊
Is that not indulgence in lust?
Lust is uncontrollable desires and unhealthy sexual desires. Sexual desires in marriage isn't unhealthy or lustful.
What’s with all this sex stuff recently?
This episode has little to do with sex, but more on vocation
It's a big issue, especially if you follow the kinds of insxne crap Gen Z and Alpha are being fed on PSYTok and other parts of the internet.
I’m not complaining, I think it’s really important that they’re discussing all this stuff because people are struggling with lust and lust seems to be the sin of the age
@@levrai944 Yeah I wonder what it is in specific that kind of sparked this. Must be just the news cycle in general around now or something like that.
Seems to be the number one reason young people are mortally sinning for one.
Well I guess I’ll never find anyone because no one could ever be physically attracted to me. It’s ok, my cross to bear living a St. Paul life
You can always improve your appearance.
Becoming physically fit is the most obvious way to improve your looks however it takes a lot of work.
@@jashroy yeah, but that’s still not gonna help. I’m bad with women, so I take it as a sign from God. I am trying to lose weight rn, but that’s to respect the body God gave me.
What makes you think that there isn't a single girl out there who could be attracted to you. Remember that beauty is subjective.
@@andreascarlos3851 yeah, the way I look and how bad I am with women, there’s no way I could ever find someone. Women care way too much about looks and I’ll never have money either. Whenever I meet a woman, I can’t get past the friend stage. Also at my age it’s impossible to meet someone, I’m past my prime. It’s pretty clear God wants me to be alone, I just have to keep asking Him for strength to carry out his call for me.
Don’t give up! Don’t give in to despair and discouragement. That’s what the devil wants. Fight the good fight. Lose weight, be the best version of yourself and you will find a wonderful bride. There is a shortage of virtuous men.
Invite Fr Altman on, Fr Schmidt can go primp & gel his hair and get off the internet. We don’t need more of him
I’m sure you’re a lovely person to be around.
Video was dumb, didn't answer the question. And Schmitz sounds like he doesn't understand algebra either.
Explain