1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
Dr Rebecca your info is so validating! I discovered narcissism at 50 yrs old. Gotta a call from a sibling who was stressed out and told them about narcissism. OMG! Lost every family member. The experience was shocking. Your book and videos have been incredibly healing. I felt the family operated cult like. I am now 60 and feel my nervous system is finally starting to calm down. It never had a thing to do with me.
Thank you, I am so very glad you found my work on family scapegoating abuse - and even more glad to hear your nervous systems is calming down. Check out my community post on vagal breathing, btw...
This video couldn't have come at a more relevant moment for me, as it explains so much. I hadn't even turned 18 when my parents emigrated to another country, leaving me behind with my scapegoater in chief, my oldest sister and her husband. No real thought or provision had been made for my welfare, so when I left college I had no alternative but to follow them. I learned today that the wonderful boyfriend of 2 years whom I was forced to leave behind died a month ago, and my grief is bizarrely intense. There had never been any real closure, and after 2 years of waiting for my return, he wisely moved on with his life. It all happened so long ago, but how well I remember being callously bullied into leaving him behind, how my scapegoaters seemed to loathe and resent him and how I wasn't allowed to grieve losing him... I last saw him over half a century ago, but I've loved and missed him all my life.
Yes, I made that mistake of identifying dysfunctional behaviors and God Forbid barely whispered how it felt to me and EJECTION system commenced immediately. Circle the wagons another way to express what happened. I thought it was “healing” we could do together. So wrong 😑
Same here. They don't want you to recognize the abuse. The only way they have control is when the wool is pulled over your eyes. I feel so sorry for the ones who are afraid to speak up. You are one of the courageous.
I deliberately kept my husband away from my family of origin for this reason. My parents met him only a handful of times and were not invited when we were married. I am very protective over the one healthy relationship I have.
This is so hauntingly accurate. My 2 sibling narc abusers came to my home and went on a 30 minute tirade on what a POS I was. My significant other sat there quietly, then finally said “Get the f#%k out of here.” Well needless to say, that’s when the r/ejection from my whole family began. In litigation with my siblings now because they ejected me, yet forgot to give me my share of my late Uncle’s estate. Never a dull moment with these demons.
Your 2 narcissistically abusive siblings just told you the true description of who they are. They " projected" their own sick pathetic opinion of themselves onto you. When I was a kid, I used to reply this way to my bratty siblings when they called me names....." I know you are, but what am I?"😁 Stay strong.... You're not alone ❤
Shout out from me to your SO for being a Protector, something many FSA adult survivors never experience. I'm going to be discussing scapegoating and inheritance issues this Saturday so you may want to tune in.
@@MF-my3db Yes, my ex-husband would sit there in silence while his Scapegoat wife was humiliated every holiday, get-together, party, etc. He didn't 'see' the issue.
Your comment about 5:30 :a parent telling others that their child is a drug user happened to me. She also said i was a prostitute. In reality, i was a 16 year old virgin who memorized bible verses and prayed every night for god to save me. I realized now she did that because she was abusing me and was trying to preemptively discredit me. So she wouldn't be arrested. I guess she got what she wanted and it did work. 🤷 Later i got what i wanted. I haven't spoken to her in 20 years and im lucky to be alive. Also yes live stream!
Like I said awhile back, you can't make this stuff up! You obviously have a true experiential understanding of the scapegoating parent's 'preemptive strike', sadly. And thanks for the feedback, I hope to live stream soon!
I read your comment, @Sarahw7616 and thought I was going to faint. My mother did the same to me. I’m so happy for your good life now without the abuse. When your own mother and your blood kin will do these things to you it’s about the most soul sucking mind F that can be done. The damage is so deep.
This is why I now understand I should never, under any circumstances, take a romantic interest around my dad’s narcissistic 3rd wife & half sister. The romantic interest will be manipulated to share what’s going on in my life while they pretend to be concerned. All they are doing is trying to get information about me they can try & use against me. Other family members may also be dangerous. Best to just keep them away from each other. Tell the narcissistic family nothing about your personal life.
Absolutely, don't tell them anything personal. I have moved into a new house 2 months ago & I have not told any of my siblings where exactly I live. I have 2 very narc sisters who I avoid if at all possible & 3 brothers I keep in touch with. I can't even trust the brothers not to say things to the others if they ask,so it's best to not tell any. My brothers don't understand how malignant the sisters are towards me & minimise how toxic they are to me. I am going minimal contact( no answering calls from them,only will reply to their sms atm) with the sisters & will go no contact once family home is sold & inheritance comes thru. It's been a nightmare as they were made executors to spite me, by the narc parents,im the eldest & scapegoat. They ask things like,how much do you make an hour? How much rent do you pay? I would never ask anyone for such private information. They don't respect my boundaries so I'm making them for myself. I cannot stand to be in the same room bc of the bullying & mocking,they just can't help themselves.
Continue to keep your home peaceful,do not tell them.Keep distance watch the scale tip as siblings turn on each other. At my big age I was attacked verbally and called "weird and remnascent of a mental patients" for not presenting nor house warming intended for familiar strangers. @joeythebushkangaroo1
Feeling ill is to be expected when you wake up to what is happening due to the shock of recognizing the truth. It takes time to adjust to a "new," less distorted reality.
How are you doing now, Melissa? I was 52 when I learned... I married a man.I did not know was manipulating me.. Gaslighting. Utterly shaming me. Horrible psychological abuse... I was ashamed of my existence. I was being physically emotionally harmed and was unable to see that I was degraded by him. So I believed I deserved to be treated the way he was treating me like if it was mean it was because it was such a bad person and I felt so bad. I was such a bad person. It is insane. What do you put in my head. He's done the same thing to my kids and he's turned them against me. This guy who's pretending to be the protective parent. He's not in the church anymore, but when he wasn't sure he wasn't blessing. My daughter every single Sunday, I was telling him : please stopped putting her between your legs stopped rubbing her up-and-down her arms. You look like you're masturbating. it's grossing me out. Stop stop, why do you do this every week? Have an email to him that says that and now I know he was actually exploiting her sexually every Sunday, she felt special. She didn't know any better. He's been deemed by the court as the protective parent.And my children have no contact with me anymore.That's how good he is at terrorizing his children into silence
Hi Rebecca I have heard the false narrative told right in my presence. I have heard the false narrative starting to be told as I was closing the front door behind me as I was leaving. I know it's told behind my back. Guess some people are so shallow they enjoy the morsels of gossip. Thank you Rebecca, enjoy your 4th!!!! Jane Green
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Rebecca you offered last week to tell me about someone you know who coaches you regarding scapegoat abuse in local churches. I am not finding the link to get the info privately. Help please. Jane
Until I found your channel last week, I never knew that scapegoating encompassed such a wide range of toxic behaviors. All this time, I thought it only meant blaming someone else for something you did. Thank you for your work!
My 90 yr old dad needed brain surgery. Obviously, his chance of survival was zero. My aunt came to the hospital, and we all waited for the surgeon. At least a dozen of us. Suddenly, my mother blurted out of nowhere, "Aunt Joe says you were an angry child too. You've always been angry." This statement had no context whatsoever. No one had even been speaking. I had been trying to wrap my head around my dad's imminent death. She ALWAYS waits til I'm at my most vulnerable then goes in for the kill. I was so stunned it barely registered when the surgeon arrived and confirmed my worst fears. Why would a mother do that? I don't understand. At all.
Moments like these highlight while it is important to STAY AWAY from narcissistic family. They will use ANY opportunity to get a cheap shot in, especially when you are vulnerable. Sorry to hear of this and of your loss.
You were already going through enough stress and worried about your Dad, and your Mom says hurtful things. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You were already suffering enough because you were worried about your Dad. I wish all narcissists could just move to their own corner of the world and leave peaceful people alone.
I was tortured as much or more when my mother died and for a period of time after she died and before I left. I had expected things to get better but many folks here have had a similar experience to mine. It is hard to understand but my theory is that, in my case, there was a rearrangement of family power structure anticipated and feared and it was critical to the majority that the dysfunctional remained in charge. All I ever wanted was equality of power and consideration - never to be.
They are stuck in a toxic loop unconscious of themselves, they'll never stop and look in the mirror so they'll project onto the scapegoat. Glad I'm gone I know they're itching to contact me but they'll get nothing and like it.
That's really interesting. My mother never wasted an opportunity to tell anyone who would listen about how I had ruined her life when I was born, what a difficult baby and child I had been. I'm also pretty sure she lied about me to other family members, as I couldn't figure out why a relative would suddenly ignore me, for example. Don't know how to articulate this but she would also phone me when she was with relatives and have a one-sided conversation that made me look bad; for example, she would ask me for a very mundane favour (like could you get me some milk)and, when I agreed, she would speak as if I'd said no. With hindsight, and your work here, Rebecca, finally giving it all some context, I think my mother was a very disturbed individual and it is terribly sad for all involved. Thank you for your continuing work in this field.
@evilbarbie2160 Regarding livestreams: How do you feel about a cheapie monthly membership for subscribers who want chat stickers; acknowledging subscriber loyalty; prioritizing their questions on chat? (I'll also get a poll out to the Community about this soon...)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Sure! I don't know much about technical stuff or how monetizing works. But you should be supported and compensated. Pay per question sure! (as long as we have to deal with money in this silly world!). This is valuable information that thank you and God that my current financial situation hasn't stopped me from receiving, and I know there are those who have extra and give when they can. (Working on my own book research to show healing can be done on a shoestring). GenX jack of all trades, master of -only being true to mine own self. Part is proving the point that expensive doesn't mean better by any means. I am not saying I don't feel a debt even though you offer this for free -I certainly do and I will compensate you (and the others) as soon as I am able. Thank you for being a guiding lighthouse in the storm of tears and betrayal trauma. Sending you all blessings 🙏.
Thanks, not necessarily pay per question; but members questions on chat would be prioritized in livestreams. Thank you for the feedback! You also support me when you buy my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) - and, more importantly, yourself and your recovery.
OMG! I think this might answer why my narcissistic mother always say when my narcissistic exes abuse me and I told her about it she told me it was my fault because I don’t have empathy for them just like I don’t have for her. I think she can hear and understand what they are doing and want them in my life, people that also think my narrative is to be scapegoated. She does the same with friends I’ll had that was narcissistic, she wants me to hang out with them but not with kind people. So she’s not threatened!
When I first moved back into my parents home after a serious eye injury and had lost everything in my life my mother would run up to everyone that came into the house to see me and say “She came after me with a knife!”. She was in a kind of panic when she’d run to them. I was already traumatized and in shock and I never thought to go directly to these people and tell them that I never did such a thing, which I most certainly did not! A long time later I told the person I was closest to that she had previously, initially and before the aforementioned incidents had been telling me to kill my self when I was first injured when I’d call her from a bridge telling her I wanted to take my life. This happened several times. Decades later I began to wonder if the reason she told everyone that I did such a horrible thing was because she knew that telling me to kill my self was wrong. Incidentally, this person told me he never believed her lie. He even confronted her about her telling me to commit suicide and she began to say “Well, she SHOULD kill…..” and stopped herself short of saying it. The whole family believed her I’m sure. Unfortunately I was living in a state of chronic shock and terror and didn’t tell anyone that she made it up. Edit: Guess what? They hated this guy who stuck with me and didn’t take their side and said that it didn’t match my character. He ended up being verbally attacked too. That wasn’t too much of a surprise to me though.
Yes, regarding your 'edit' there: I discussed this in some recent videos here which I believe you saw already, but if not, you might want to check them out.
This sort of thing has happened to me. My grandchildren are uncomfortable around me even though I have only seen them a few times because they live far away. They say things that indicate someone told them something about me that was not true. Now the grandchildren are married and it is beginning to happen with their spouses. I have always been kind to them the few times they were around me. They have been taught to love my husband because he is the leader of the family", but I am treated disrespectfully because I am not the leader. I am also a person who thinks independently of all of them and they hate that they cannot control me. They really do act like a cult, as though they are very careful who they let in and I am not one of them.
Based on your comment, you may also want to watch this video here: ua-cam.com/video/-DBJonlk0Co/v-deo.html I also encourage you to read my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
My dad demanded I put my ex husband on the phone one morning when I called him out about sexually abusing me as a little girl. He demanded I put him on the phone! I now know my dad was either going to attack my husband for “putting ideas into my head” (most likely)... or my dad was going to basically insinuate (maybe flat out tell) my husband I am crazy. His narc wife & narc half sister have tried to get anyone I’m romantically involved with alone to manipulatively gather information on me to use against me later. A narc grandmother used to also play manipulative games to triangulate me & attractive women with my husband. Also she would “dog whistle” and say things to or around my husband to try and create problems & upset me. The first year or so of our marriage grandma & my dad’s wife attempted to create drama and destroy our marriage. Just thinking about their antics makes my blood boil with righteous rage.
Rebecca, hi. I’m listening in to all your videos from the other side of the world…. Little New Zealand. Everything you say makes perfect sense. My narcissistic mother has sided with my abusive ex husband…. She kicked me out of the family and took him in instead. Together, they tried to turn my 17 year old daughter against me. Which worked for awhile…. Doesn’t work now. My daughter is allowed in the family but not me. I have 2 childhood friends my NPD mother most definitely scapegoated and hated. They wouldn’t drink the Kool Aid so my mother spent my whole life badmouthing them both to their faces and behind their backs. I find it so hard to feel at peace in my friendships…. Constantly terrified of people abandoning me and rejecting me. It’s so painful to struggle so hard to connect. This is such a cruel & vicious situation…. But I thank you so much for your validating videos…. Keep them coming please!
Welcome to this community, Andrea. It is indeed a cruel form of insidious and invisible abuse. I hope you will get my book as well, Amazon has the Kindle version internationally (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed).
One time as a juvenile I got caught shoplifting with my adult friend - a pair of flip flops and top to a bathing suit. My friend had the bottoms (crazy I know). My grandmother and mom was with us. Us girls got hauled off in police cars and my mother forever told the story how I embarrassed her. Here’s the thing - I learned it both from them - her and my grandma would change price tags!
I enjoyed today's video ❤ Your videos are very interesting and informative. Live stream or either way, is great! I'm gonna be in the audience😁 The cult inoculation was attempted by my family. One of my sister's had gotten married 2 yrs before this incident. They didn't come around often because my brother in-law said the day he met the family, he noticed something was off because our mom talked negatively about my sister. My brother- in- law called me " Cinderella" in front of my mom one day. He told her she treated me like "Cinderella". It angered her. It totally went against the ideal image she portrayed of a happy, perfect family. Within 1 yr, he and my sister divorced because she kept arguiing with him because our mom no longer liked him for my sister. I believe the friction chased him off. He got along with them until he called me " Cinderella".
Funny this, as 2 of my exes have called me Cinderella in the past, after seeing how my 2 sisters and mother treated me in front of them,lol. People can see it, one of my brothers gfs said that I had a much softer face than my 2 sisters,I was quite shocked, but I now understand what she was actually saying,without saying it. Any kind, genuine people can see what is really going on. Narc women hate it when the scapegoat is glowing & will try to take your light away.
Internal Family Systems is such a wonderful therapy. Really great to hear you mention it. Thank you so much for all you do. I'm so much happier since becoming estranged. One thing I've noticed is that my default has been to always expect people to be critical of me, dismissive, talk about me negatively behind my back, mock me, eye roll etc. Since becoming estranged I've begun to build and deepen new connections. I noticed I'm always expecting for 'that' to happen. As time has gone on I notice it's NOT happening? People genuinely seem to like and accept me. I also don't feel like I have to prove myself all the time. It's amazing to think I'd lived like that all my life. Thank you X
I feel the same way when approaching new people. I expect to be dismissed, ignored, blamed. I'm glad you're finding new connections. It gives me hope too.
When I was 20 years old my mother told my best friend that my face had broke out and I had pimples in high school. My friend was surprised because my skin was clear and flawless. I said “Yes. I went to a dermatologist and was put on antibiotics and medicated makeup and it cleared up.”
I had my dad tell my first husband right before we were married all sorts of horrible things about me. It was not done in front of me, but I was told this by my husband after the marriage took place.
“So excited for them to meet your family” - I like your little laugh there. My own parents always loved telling their visiting friends how “thick” I was.
Ugh! My 'scapegoat narrative' started with, "Rebecca was SUCH a difficult baby." Um, well, maybe because I was born unable to digest any food whatsoever other than white rice and goat's milk and was considered a terminal case? Could that cause a baby to cry and fuss? Hmmmmm....
Oh man, the preemptive strike - had no idea that was a thing. Yes. I didn’t date in high school. I was being scapegoated by family, especially my father during that time. I thought I was garbage, as he told me I was, but still went about my life to the extent that I had to. At prom, I decided to take the plunge and agreed to go with the one person who asked me to go. ‘John’ arrived at my house while I was running an errand. Out on the sidewalk my father told ‘John’ he should just go to prom without me. “She’s not worth the wait” my father told him. He said a few more disaparaging things but that's the one I remember. He didn't say ‘treat my daughter well or else’ but that I wasn’t 'worth the wait'. A few years later, I ran into ‘John’ at a party. We were inebriated and he walked me halfway home. I fell down by the railroad tracks and he repeatedly tried to rip my pants off. I fought back enough that he gave up and left me there. I wonder if what my father had said long ago gave ‘John’ a mental green light to go ahead and do that. ‘John’ himself chose to do it, yes, but did the “She’s not worth the wait” comment factor in at all? I never told anybody what happened. I was garbage. I didn’t matter. My father told me so. And my family agreed. It wasn't the first or last time I kept such an assault secret. It wasn't enough for my father to believe I was trash. While he was nursing that fantasy for himself, he wanted everyone else to believe I was trash too.
Truly heartbreaking. All children / adult children deserve to feel love, cherished, and protected by their parents. So very sorry you were subjected to all of this.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Hi Rebecca, I only started researching npd two years ago. Before then I wouldn’t have connected the two incidents. When informed people share their stories and experts like yourself share your research and experiences we can finally identify the weapons that hurt us and start tending to those specific wounds. The goal is to learn how to survive and thrive. Learning about FSA and npd is freeing so thank you for sharing your work.
What an awful person your father was to implant such lies into your mind about yourself. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you've moved on and believed yourself to be worthy despite what he tried to implant. Even if we overcome it, something like what he did do you still changes who we are. Love and peace to you 🙏
@@Vic-Meow Thank you. Love and peace to you too. We can move beyond it. Yes, it did affect me pretty badly - I got self-destructive for awhile. But surviving has also made me look beneath the surface, beneath appearances and taught me to listen better to people. I think we become more aware. Thanks again. I wish you well on your journey.
The first time I introduced my long-term boyfriend to my family, my youngest sister (who was widowed a year prior) started aggressively flirting with him, right in front of me! I was flabbergasted that she would disrespect and humiliate me like that! Her actions were more hurtful than words could ever be.
I've been labeled w/cptsd. I am the scapegoat of a covert narcissistic alcoholic father, whom holds a close leash on my mother. She is what I've learned to be the parent that Orbit's the narcissist...On top of all this, my older brother is the Grandiose Golden adult child...this 'kid' is oblivious ..I myself have never seen the kind of true selfishness that he shows on a daily basis..he also is an alcoholic, and is directly emulating the closet drunk narcissist father we grew up with...wow? As the scapegoat, I figured out all their roles and realized what an uphill battle I still have....I'm now caretaking for my father at home... Which the golden child brother will not help me with....This stuff is seriously mortifying. And the type of abuse is surreal....the best cautionary tale family story of the twenty-first century
I just got your book. I am in the middle of this. I have a large family and have taken on the FSA role because I am helping my parent who has always been in that role of Scapegoat. I am just in the midst of the smear campaign. There are about 10 or so family members who are currently on the dreaded social media spreading hatred towards me. I still Love them though and it hurts my heart😢. Although this is happening I refuse to lose hope.
What a painful situation. ua-cam.com/video/AD-rwWEbcWET/v-deo.htmlhere is more hope to be had if a family system is primarily traumatized / dysfunctional versus narcissistic. I explain the differences here: ua-cam.com/video/AD-rwWEbcWE/v-deo.html
At my big age I was attacked verbally and called "weird and remnascent of a mental patient" for not presenting nor updating my home rehab. No house warming intended for familiar strangers when it was built on love❤
Another great video Rebecca! Would like your take on this....Much of my growing up, I would befriend kids who were "the under dog"... they might have a disability (handcapped) or were over weight, etc. My mother, sometimes in ear shot of my disabled friend, would belittle them saying how "fat" they were or why was I hanging around "these types"....It was embarrassing cause I knew my friend probably heard her and I didn't know what to say to my friend...My narc mother ruined lots of my would be friendships that way.... Have a happy 4th of July Rebecca!
Part of the "dehumanizing others" aspect of this form of abuse, particularly if a parent is a covert or overt narcissist or has strong narcissistic traits.
My father and sister call my boyfriend and bestfriend and extended family and say terrible things about me, especially when I need my family's support the most. For example, I was jumped by two women last November and called my sister and father the day after because I needed them to watch my son for me...I asked for a day, I didnt know what to tell my son and I didnt want my injuries to scare him and I am a single mom and needed medical treatment. My sister said "no offence but you kinda deserved it because youve been a bitch" ; and my father response was " you must have been mouthing off to them because you were out of control partying and drinking". In fact I was jumped after parking my car before going to watch my chef friend cook at a high-scale restaurant. I was in Toronto only because I was attending a job fair and took the rare opportunity to socialize. I had just reparked since I was told I would get a ticket were I was before. Not one drink was in my system and I never met those women before in my life. In addition to telling my sis and dad, I told my cousin and also my on again off again boyfriend because I needed someone to take me home from the hospital and to help me out around the house and with my son for a while. My sister and father called my cuz, and my bf, in addition to several other saying how much I lied about it all. So this is in line with the premises you've stated, and yes I became triggered. ........ Now two important questions have arised after your video: 1) is it possible that my sis and dad love me, or do I need to accept they will never love me, or express love to me ever again? 2) if my cuz, or especially, my bf doesnt seem to be an "enemy" of theirs, does that mean my bf doesnt support me in my absence? you said "they must be the enemy near the end of this video" is it that black and white? Or does my bf agree to some things they say to thread upon a thin line? Could it be they are taking their time working on my bf, and agree to disagree because we dont go to visit my sis and dad togther ever anyway and they dont have much to lose if in fact he doesnt drink all the Kool-aid? If my bf is defending me and still doesnt seem to be their enemy.. then an alternative, in theory is that I have some personality disorder, I am delusional, an/or I unconsciously give people closest to me reasons or impressions that I am not an honest person, and everything I say should not ever be taken at face value. This is highly personal, but I dont mind your response here, since, afterall, I can stand severe scrutiny. So I am ready for your professional hypothesis and impressions. Thank you. Samona
Hi Samona, your questions are excellent. I can help you just a bit here, however, as per my UA-cam disclosure I am not able to offer individual guidance or advice. What I can say is that nothing is ever perfectly black-and-white, and human psyches as well as human (family) systems dynamics are incredibly complicated and influenced by many forces that are often unconscious (such as intergenerational trauma, etc). I'm going to link you to a video here - as you watch it, you may begin to get an idea if there are dysfunctional versus narcissistic family dynamics going on in your family-of-origin - and yes, both may be going on at the same time (and if there drug/alcohol abuse issues, that can add a third (alcoholic family system) element. To understand what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my original Family Systems research, you will want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' as well. Video here: ua-cam.com/video/AD-rwWEbcWE/v-deo.html
Hello Rebecca, thank you for your response. I have placed your book in my amazon cart. To be honest, I'm quite hesitant to read it only because I feel especially vulnerable as of late, and my current situation cannot afford more triggers. would you please share any thoughts about timing being a factor due to potential triggers I can only hardly take in small doses. Please do not misunderstand, because I do not doubt value of your works content. @@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Hi Samona, many readers have written to me who had the same concerns as you do. Chapters are brief, but dense. Go as slow as you need to and take breaks as needed via following the wisdom (signals) of your nervous system. I'm also linking you here to a playlist of FSA recovery affirmations that you may want to watch before you start reading and/or after: ua-cam.com/play/PLXSLEoZOeKOGGSKUrpDNC7Fq_uwFCcxwn.html&si=2KRA_7bBBzQlxVAR
I find that this is very true that the new in-law is ostracized because they don’t “toe the line” in the family. However I have found that many of my in-laws are themselves very narcissistic and don’t get along with the family. And I find that they are equally abusive to my siblings even though they don’t get along with my narcissistic mother. It makes sense they would be narcissistic too if the parents are narcissistic, right?
Sounds like a hornets nest. Per my youtube disclaimer, I am not able to diagnose people who are not my clients. What I will say is that anyone raised by narcissists will certainly have been impacted, one way or the other, for better or for worse.
Closed system, got it. I made so many miraculous escapes from attempts to silence me about the family abuse and sexualviolence inflicted on me, I could claim the title of 'The Escape G.O.A.T.'! Still alive at 67 but in so much pain, not a good life...
{oops} Too many postings about the organized crimnal form of narcissism - commonly known as 'gangstalking' or NSA "disruption operations" because - a team has taken over the room across the hall, people in and outside the building tracking, stalking, disrupting all I do. NOW either these heinous crimnal operations are exposed, total shut down, perps brought to justice, or - business as usual and the targeted killin's go on. The End is here, either way, it seems. For certain fact - calling police (as this building manger just suggested) can make it all much worse - if they are under orders to take the target to a mental ward for a 72 hour hold - as was done to me, starting on dec '08.
What I want to know is, how do you stop reactive abuse happening from people who find out inadvertently that you had severe child abuse and all of your family are psychopathic? Because these people are acting as proxies for my parents and siblings in abusing me and punishing me in reaction to my answering their questions honestly without even going into detail. So what do you do when your doctor starts treating you like you are nuts because he found out you have a bunch of broken bones that never got treated when you were little? And how do you stop your abusers from reaching out through the grave and through time and finding a way to still get proxies like your doctor to do the dirty work for them and treat you as if you were still in the abuse situation? It’s just amazing to me. The power dynamic that psychopaths can be that toxic. The abuse just never ends no matter what age you are at. I thought I had it all figured out and then I realized that I didn’t know a single adult in my life up to age 17 that wasn’t a felon. They committed federal crimes against a child by not turning in my parents and calling the police to report child abuse. That’s how brainwashed they have you against yourself to just accept the blame. And then they don’t even have to be there for the reactive abuse to happen. You are randomly just going to see the doctor like a normal person and bam! It’s like you’re right in front of your parents or siblings again, going over the same false trash that was hurled at you endlessly as a child. And then, realizing that every person you had gone to for help, was actually a federal felon, who knew it was against the law, not to call the police, and did it anyway, and just threw you under the bus for their own personal benefit of ignoring it. It’s very disturbing because I thought I had tackled every angle of my past and not been around my family for 20 years and then boom! Child abuse… The gift that just keeps on giving. 🤣 I have to laugh about it… that’s all I have left at 62.
I've said the same thing, many a time. It is the gift that keeps on giving "There mustvbe a pony!" - Know that story?). Your comment gives me an idea for a new video down the road. Thank you.
Is this why my partners start to treat my feelings like a burden, after they hang out with my mom a few times? Would it potentially help me to keep people who i want in my life away from her, and myself when im around her? I still have blindspots regarding how i behave differently w my family of origin. So i dont know when i bring the scapegoat reaction into my relationships. I remember seeing this with my dad when we visited his family, his voice would change from the educated administrator to a steel worker's slang.
When I was pregnant with my first baby (one and only), my husband's Grandma asked if my mom was upset that I was pregnant..... I looked at her and said, "She is super excited, and she really likes the man that is going to be her grandsons' father." The next day, his Grandma came by my work to "treat me to lunch"....... Welp, been married for 23 years, and I'm definitely the scapegoat.... Especially since I had to stop working due to a disabling and painful autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis.... I guess I didn't fit into his grandma's, mother's narrative they wanted. They wanted a daughter in law to take care of the elders, and do as she is told. Ummmm .... No. That's not how I do, I don't play. I have boundaries. They got really pissed off about my boundaries..... Apparently I am a mean and awful person for having boundaries and "faking" an autoimmune disease, that I was born with.... I was diagnosed by a rheumatologist, I had blood-work and MRI showing the results of the diagnoses. Medical, scientific proof.... I just didn't know I had Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia, and born with a narrow spinal canal until I was in my early 40's....... Since childhood, I thought everyone delt with some sort of pain and fatigue, but I wasn't able to hide it as well as everyone else..... Now I know, I am STRONGER than most! Not my fault I was born with it, it sure in the hell wasn't the Maybaleen! 🤷♀️ When my pain became chronic when I was age 32, that's when MIL really started in the covert abuse, emotional, manipulation, psychological..... It was traumatizing during the peak of covid pandemic, as I am immunocompromised, high risk..... For 13 years of our marriage (married 23 years), I have been covertly abused by MIL and other in-laws due to MIL's smear campaign.... When my husband would visit his mom or family without me, he would come home irritable, and nit-pick me and/or our son to the point we would get into arguments. My husband's blinders finally fell off a few weeks ago. Things are getting better. He is setting boundaries with his mom, and spending less time with her. I haven't seen her since Christmas 2022. She is a constant boundary pusher, and acts like she doesn't understand what boundaries are, or why I should have them..... She doesn't make me feel safe, and she makes me feel like total garbage.... Before and even after I was accurately diagnosed with this painful and disabling autoimmune disease MIL would tell me, "I wish you were strong like *my* family"...... Yet, she broke her finger, and it's the end of the world..... My husband told her, "Mom, you always tell Monica how you wish she was strong like our family, yet you are sobbing and carrying on like your life is ending due to a broken finger..... Monica has Ankylosing Spondylitis and is in PAIN EVERY DAY, yet she still makes it through, survives and thrives. So..... What gives!?" His mom was totally silent after that.... 😂 * Ankylosing Spondylitis * HLA-B27 gene * Immunocompromised * Fibromyalgia * Born with a narrow spinal canal * Chronic Pain * Autoimmune Disease * both SI joints are fused * Nerve damage in both wrists and elbows, due to damage of Ankylosing Spondylitis * Disabled PS, I also manage anxiety, depression, and C-PTSD due to past childhood abuse by narcissistic and bipolar stepdad..... Physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, manipulation......
Thank you for taking the time to share part of your story. You may want to watch a couple of videos of mine here: 1) ua-cam.com/video/ytSdn8nQCBg/v-deo.html 2) ua-cam.com/video/878iNKXSwHE/v-deo.html
We have Ankylosing Spondylitis in our family too. I have the gene,my youngest brother is very affected & most in family treat him like he is faking it. I'm an ex geriatric nurse,now a Disability Carer. Many people have no idea about this debilitating condition. You are fortunate to have a very wise husband that stood up for you. Just go minimal contact with them for your sake. Seriously, these people think their opinions really matter,when they don't. It's better not to even hear what they think about anything until they mature. Remember they are only 4yo inside,that helps me a lot and also avoiding them whenever possible...
According to my narcissist sister, my father told her that I slept with half the boys in my high school graduating class. I could see him doing it, especially after he had raped me and gotten me pregnant. Spreading that rumor would cast doubt on me saying he raped me and got me pregnant. I got an abortion. This wasn't the only lie he told about me, but it was the worst. My family presented this fantasy of everyone being loving and supportive. That was so far from the truth. Dumped the narcissist sister and my other siblings. So done with the abuse.
When people say to me, " But the are your FAMILY, surely you have ONE nice person in the group. I respond with, I didn't invent the term estrangement,but I am glad it exists. And NO, there isn't ONE "nice" person in the entire fam damily
I'm very sorry to hear it.Here's a resource page I made for FSA adult survivors in case you are wanting some support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I'm 73 years old and my Narcissist mother even died and all my 5 sisters want nothing to do with me (the scapegoat). I opened the door to one of them but she's never gotten any help for herself so I had to close the open door. I think I know which one is the Golden Child but I need more information to be sure.
I found that if you ask a family of siblings if there are favourites? The GC will say no and the SG will say yes! Lol. You have to laugh at the answers, it's quite interesting.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse correct. I left him. He killed himself. 13 years later I find it in writing/text from my family that they blame me for his death. F’d up.
One day when I was asking my older sister if she could help with mother for an overnight, she said no because she did not sleep well. I asked her about a family occurrence when she refused to help our niece who had been sexually abused. At the time, my sister was single and her 3 children were grown and out. I had 2 children, 8 and 1 1/2, a business, and my husband was out of town doing rescue work in SF after the earthquake in 89. Her excuse for not helping was that she had a new boyfriend. I kicked her out of my house and told her to F off. This was before I knew about the narcissist family and scapegoating. But guess what? ( as my grand daughter asks me constantly 😂) I am too strong for them. No matter what they do, I overcome. 🙏🏼🤍💪🏼⚖️🕊
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Finally getting better at 70. 🙄Videos on UA-cam have helped me greatly, as well as learning I am HSP & empathic. It was just the last few years I figured out that expressing my rage was ok. I was diagnosed at 26 with Crohn’s and had to have surgery at 46. Life gets better every year. Thank you so much. 😘🙏🏼🤍
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
Dr Rebecca your info is so validating! I discovered narcissism at 50 yrs old. Gotta a call from a sibling who was stressed out and told them about narcissism. OMG! Lost every family member. The experience was shocking. Your book and videos have been incredibly healing. I felt the family operated cult like. I am now 60 and feel my nervous system is finally starting to calm down. It never had a thing to do with me.
Thank you, I am so very glad you found my work on family scapegoating abuse - and even more glad to hear your nervous systems is calming down. Check out my community post on vagal breathing, btw...
This video couldn't have come at a more relevant moment for me, as it explains so much.
I hadn't even turned 18 when my parents emigrated to another country, leaving me behind with my scapegoater in chief, my oldest sister and her husband.
No real thought or provision had been made for my welfare, so when I left college I had no alternative but to follow them.
I learned today that the wonderful boyfriend of 2 years whom I was forced to leave behind died a month ago, and my grief is bizarrely intense. There had never been any real closure, and after 2 years of waiting for my return, he wisely moved on with his life.
It all happened so long ago, but how well I remember being callously bullied into leaving him behind, how my scapegoaters seemed to loathe and resent him and how I wasn't allowed to grieve losing him...
I last saw him over half a century ago, but I've loved and missed him all my life.
Yes, I made that mistake of identifying dysfunctional behaviors and God Forbid barely whispered how it felt to me and EJECTION system commenced immediately. Circle the wagons another way to express what happened. I thought it was “healing” we could do together. So wrong 😑
Same here. They don't want you to recognize the abuse. The only way they have control is when the wool is pulled over your eyes. I feel so sorry for the ones who are afraid to speak up. You are one of the courageous.
❤
I deliberately kept my husband away from my family of origin for this reason. My parents met him only a handful of times and were not invited when we were married. I am very protective over the one healthy relationship I have.
Smart.
Good thing. It could be very dangerous for both of you.
This is so hauntingly accurate. My 2 sibling narc abusers came to my home and went on a 30 minute tirade on what a POS I was. My significant other sat there quietly, then finally said “Get the f#%k out of here.” Well needless to say, that’s when the r/ejection from my whole family began. In litigation with my siblings now because they ejected me, yet forgot to give me my share of my late Uncle’s estate. Never a dull moment with these demons.
Your 2 narcissistically abusive siblings just told you the true description of who they are. They " projected" their own sick pathetic opinion of themselves onto you. When I was a kid, I used to reply this way to my bratty siblings when they called me names....." I know you are, but what am I?"😁 Stay strong.... You're not alone ❤
I greatly respect your significant other.
Shout out from me to your SO for being a Protector, something many FSA adult survivors never experience. I'm going to be discussing scapegoating and inheritance issues this Saturday so you may want to tune in.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Great! I will be there. Looking forward to it! ❤️
@@MF-my3db Yes, my ex-husband would sit there in silence while his Scapegoat wife was humiliated every holiday, get-together, party, etc. He didn't 'see' the issue.
Your comment about 5:30 :a parent telling others that their child is a drug user happened to me. She also said i was a prostitute. In reality, i was a 16 year old virgin who memorized bible verses and prayed every night for god to save me. I realized now she did that because she was abusing me and was trying to preemptively discredit me. So she wouldn't be arrested. I guess she got what she wanted and it did work. 🤷
Later i got what i wanted. I haven't spoken to her in 20 years and im lucky to be alive.
Also yes live stream!
Like I said awhile back, you can't make this stuff up! You obviously have a true experiential understanding of the scapegoating parent's 'preemptive strike', sadly. And thanks for the feedback, I hope to live stream soon!
Sounds so familiar. Hugs.
I read your comment, @Sarahw7616 and thought I was going to faint. My mother did the same to me. I’m so happy for your good life now without the abuse. When your own mother and your blood kin will do these things to you it’s about the most soul sucking mind F that can be done. The damage is so deep.
This is why I now understand I should never, under any circumstances, take a romantic interest around my dad’s narcissistic 3rd wife & half sister. The romantic interest will be manipulated to share what’s going on in my life while they pretend to be concerned. All they are doing is trying to get information about me they can try & use against me. Other family members may also be dangerous. Best to just keep them away from each other. Tell the narcissistic family nothing about your personal life.
This dynamic you describe deserves a dedicated video. Stay tuned...!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse ♥️
Absolutely, don't tell them anything personal. I have moved into a new house 2 months ago & I have not told any of my siblings where exactly I live. I have 2 very narc sisters who I avoid if at all possible & 3 brothers I keep in touch with. I can't even trust the brothers not to say things to the others if they ask,so it's best to not tell any. My brothers don't understand how malignant the sisters are towards me & minimise how toxic they are to me. I am going minimal contact( no answering calls from them,only will reply to their sms atm) with the sisters & will go no contact once family home is sold & inheritance comes thru.
It's been a nightmare as they were made executors to spite me, by the narc parents,im the eldest & scapegoat. They ask things like,how much do you make an hour? How much rent do you pay? I would never ask anyone for such private information. They don't respect my boundaries so I'm making them for myself. I cannot stand to be in the same room bc of the bullying & mocking,they just can't help themselves.
Continue to keep your home peaceful,do not tell them.Keep distance watch the scale tip as siblings turn on each other.
At my big age I was attacked verbally and called "weird and remnascent of a mental patients" for not presenting nor house warming intended for familiar strangers.
@joeythebushkangaroo1
Realizing that I'm not the problem (while it is freeing) makes me nauseous and so sad. I'm 51 and had my lightbulb moment about 3 days ago
Feeling ill is to be expected when you wake up to what is happening due to the shock of recognizing the truth. It takes time to adjust to a "new," less distorted reality.
How are you doing now, Melissa? I was 52 when I learned... I married a man.I did not know was manipulating me.. Gaslighting. Utterly shaming me. Horrible psychological abuse... I was ashamed of my existence. I was being physically emotionally harmed and was unable to see that I was degraded by him. So I believed I deserved to be treated the way he was treating me like if it was mean it was because it was such a bad person and I felt so bad. I was such a bad person. It is insane. What do you put in my head. He's done the same thing to my kids and he's turned them against me. This guy who's pretending to be the protective parent. He's not in the church anymore, but when he wasn't sure he wasn't blessing. My daughter every single Sunday, I was telling him : please stopped putting her between your legs stopped rubbing her up-and-down her arms. You look like you're masturbating. it's grossing me out. Stop stop, why do you do this every week?
Have an email to him that says that and now I know he was actually exploiting her sexually every Sunday, she felt special. She didn't know any better.
He's been deemed by the court as the protective parent.And my children have no contact with me anymore.That's how good he is at terrorizing his children into silence
Hi Rebecca
I have heard the false narrative told right in my presence.
I have heard the false narrative starting to be told as I was closing the front door behind me as I was leaving.
I know it's told behind my back.
Guess some people are so shallow they enjoy the morsels of gossip.
Thank you Rebecca, enjoy your 4th!!!! Jane Green
Thank you. Jane, you too!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Rebecca you offered last week to tell me about someone you know who coaches you regarding scapegoat abuse in local churches. I am not finding the link to get the info privately. Help please. Jane
Hi Jane, click on the 'Contact Me' graphic image at the bottom of this post: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/contact/
Until I found your channel last week, I never knew that scapegoating encompassed such a wide range of toxic behaviors. All this time, I thought it only meant blaming someone else for something you did. Thank you for your work!
Welcome aboard! If this is new to you, you may want to check out my book, Rejected, Shamed and Blamed.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseIt just came in the mail today!
My 90 yr old dad needed brain surgery. Obviously, his chance of survival was zero. My aunt came to the hospital, and we all waited for the surgeon. At least a dozen of us. Suddenly, my mother blurted out of nowhere, "Aunt Joe says you were an angry child too. You've always been angry." This statement had no context whatsoever. No one had even been speaking. I had been trying to wrap my head around my dad's imminent death. She ALWAYS waits til I'm at my most vulnerable then goes in for the kill. I was so stunned it barely registered when the surgeon arrived and confirmed my worst fears. Why would a mother do that? I don't understand. At all.
Moments like these highlight while it is important to STAY AWAY from narcissistic family. They will use ANY opportunity to get a cheap shot in, especially when you are vulnerable. Sorry to hear of this and of your loss.
You were already going through enough stress and worried about your Dad, and your Mom says hurtful things. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You were already suffering enough because you were worried about your Dad. I wish all narcissists could just move to their own corner of the world and leave peaceful people alone.
I was tortured as much or more when my mother died and for a period of time after she died and before I left. I had expected things to get better but many folks here have had a similar experience to mine. It is hard to understand but my theory is that, in my case, there was a rearrangement of family power structure anticipated and feared and it was critical to the majority that the dysfunctional remained in charge. All I ever wanted was equality of power and consideration - never to be.
@@bbjoyce-je1vx ❤️🩹💯❤️🩹
@@smustipher 💕
They are stuck in a toxic loop unconscious of themselves, they'll never stop and look in the mirror so they'll project onto the scapegoat. Glad I'm gone I know they're itching to contact me but they'll get nothing and like it.
So good to be free of these psychos isn’t it?
That's really interesting. My mother never wasted an opportunity to tell anyone who would listen about how I had ruined her life when I was born, what a difficult baby and child I had been. I'm also pretty sure she lied about me to other family members, as I couldn't figure out why a relative would suddenly ignore me, for example. Don't know how to articulate this but she would also phone me when she was with relatives and have a one-sided conversation that made me look bad; for example, she would ask me for a very mundane favour (like could you get me some milk)and, when I agreed, she would speak as if I'd said no. With hindsight, and your work here, Rebecca, finally giving it all some context, I think my mother was a very disturbed individual and it is terribly sad for all involved. Thank you for your continuing work in this field.
You're welcome, Wendy. Sounds like you're getting some very important insights. I'm glad my work on FSA is helpful.
My parents both say only bad things about me to anyone they can
Very sorry to hear it. 🙏
I would LOVE to see you livestream!! Yes please!!
@evilbarbie2160 Regarding livestreams: How do you feel about a cheapie monthly membership for subscribers who want chat stickers; acknowledging subscriber loyalty; prioritizing their questions on chat? (I'll also get a poll out to the Community about this soon...)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Sure! I don't know much about technical stuff or how monetizing works. But you should be supported and compensated. Pay per question sure! (as long as we have to deal with money in this silly world!). This is valuable information that thank you and God that my current financial situation hasn't stopped me from receiving, and I know there are those who have extra and give when they can. (Working on my own book research to show healing can be done on a shoestring). GenX jack of all trades, master of -only being true to mine own self. Part is proving the point that expensive doesn't mean better by any means. I am not saying I don't feel a debt even though you offer this for free -I certainly do and I will compensate you (and the others) as soon as I am able. Thank you for being a guiding lighthouse in the storm of tears and betrayal trauma. Sending you all blessings 🙏.
Thanks, not necessarily pay per question; but members questions on chat would be prioritized in livestreams. Thank you for the feedback! You also support me when you buy my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) - and, more importantly, yourself and your recovery.
It is like the stage of a virtual theater. And the show goes on and on.....
Often long after the scapegoated family member has exited the stage...
OMG! I think this might answer why my narcissistic mother always say when my narcissistic exes abuse me and I told her about it she told me it was my fault because I don’t have empathy for them just like I don’t have for her. I think she can hear and understand what they are doing and want them in my life, people that also think my narrative is to be scapegoated. She does the same with friends I’ll had that was narcissistic, she wants me to hang out with them but not with kind people. So she’s not threatened!
Yes, such scenarios can indeed be part of the dynamic I am discussing here. An "A-Ha!" moment, perhaps?(!)
Thank you for the answer and yes exactly an A-Ha moment !😊
When I first moved back into my parents home after a serious eye injury and had lost everything in my life my mother would run up to everyone that came into the house to see me and say “She came after me with a knife!”. She was in a kind of panic when she’d run to them. I was already traumatized and in shock and I never thought to go directly to these people and tell them that I never did such a thing, which I most certainly did not!
A long time later I told the person I was closest to that she had previously, initially and before the aforementioned incidents had been telling me to kill my self when I was first injured when I’d call her from a bridge telling her I wanted to take my life. This happened several times.
Decades later I began to wonder if the reason she told everyone that I did such a horrible thing was because she knew that telling me to kill my self was wrong.
Incidentally, this person told me he never believed her lie. He even confronted her about her telling me to commit suicide and she began to say “Well, she SHOULD kill…..” and stopped herself short of saying it. The whole family believed her I’m sure. Unfortunately I was living in a state of chronic shock and terror and didn’t tell anyone that she made it up.
Edit: Guess what? They hated this guy who stuck with me and didn’t take their side and said that it didn’t match my character. He ended up being verbally attacked too. That wasn’t too much of a surprise to me though.
Yes, regarding your 'edit' there: I discussed this in some recent videos here which I believe you saw already, but if not, you might want to check them out.
I have seen this scenario play out many times in my narcissistic family. Thanks for shedding light on this topic.
You are so welcome.
This sort of thing has happened to me. My grandchildren are uncomfortable around me even though I have only seen them a few times because they live far away. They say things that indicate someone told them something about me that was not true. Now the grandchildren are married and it is beginning to happen with their spouses. I have always been kind to them the few times they were around me. They have been taught to love my husband because he is the leader of the family", but I am treated disrespectfully because I am not the leader. I am also a person who thinks independently of all of them and they hate that they cannot control me. They really do act like a cult, as though they are very careful who they let in and I am not one of them.
Based on your comment, you may also want to watch this video here: ua-cam.com/video/-DBJonlk0Co/v-deo.html I also encourage you to read my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you, I have your book now and plan on reading it, I ordered it recently and plan on getting into it this week.
My dad demanded I put my ex husband on the phone one morning when I called him out about sexually abusing me as a little girl. He demanded I put him on the phone! I now know my dad was either going to attack my husband for “putting ideas into my head” (most likely)... or my dad was going to basically insinuate (maybe flat out tell) my husband I am crazy. His narc wife & narc half sister have tried to get anyone I’m romantically involved with alone to manipulatively gather information on me to use against me later.
A narc grandmother used to also play manipulative games to triangulate me & attractive women with my husband. Also she would “dog whistle” and say things to or around my husband to try and create problems & upset me. The first year or so of our marriage grandma & my dad’s wife attempted to create drama and destroy our marriage. Just thinking about their antics makes my blood boil with righteous rage.
Rebecca, hi. I’m listening in to all your videos from the other side of the world…. Little New Zealand. Everything you say makes perfect sense. My narcissistic mother has sided with my abusive ex husband…. She kicked me out of the family and took him in instead. Together, they tried to turn my 17 year old daughter against me. Which worked for awhile…. Doesn’t work now. My daughter is allowed in the family but not me.
I have 2 childhood friends my NPD mother most definitely scapegoated and hated. They wouldn’t drink the Kool Aid so my mother spent my whole life badmouthing them both to their faces and behind their backs.
I find it so hard to feel at peace in my friendships…. Constantly terrified of people abandoning me and rejecting me. It’s so painful to struggle so hard to connect. This is such a cruel & vicious situation…. But I thank you so much for your validating videos…. Keep them coming please!
Welcome to this community, Andrea. It is indeed a cruel form of insidious and invisible abuse. I hope you will get my book as well, Amazon has the Kindle version internationally (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed).
One time as a juvenile I got caught shoplifting with my adult friend - a pair of flip flops and top to a bathing suit. My friend had the bottoms (crazy I know). My grandmother and mom was with us. Us girls got hauled off in police cars and my mother forever told the story how I embarrassed her. Here’s the thing - I learned it both from them - her and my grandma would change price tags!
The hypocrisy never ceases to amaze me, despite two decades of research and personal / professional experience. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
I enjoyed today's video ❤ Your videos are very interesting and informative. Live stream or either way, is great! I'm gonna be in the audience😁
The cult inoculation was attempted by my family. One of my sister's had gotten married 2 yrs before this incident. They didn't come around often because my brother in-law said the day he met the family, he noticed something was off because our mom talked negatively about my sister. My brother- in- law called me " Cinderella" in front of my mom one day. He told her she treated me like "Cinderella". It angered her. It totally went against the ideal image she portrayed of a happy, perfect family. Within 1 yr, he and my sister divorced because she kept arguiing with him because our mom no longer liked him for my sister. I believe the friction chased him off. He got along with them until he called me " Cinderella".
Excellent example - thank you!
@bbjoyce-je1vx... I can totally relate. I’m treated like Cinderella too.
Funny this, as 2 of my exes have called me Cinderella in the past, after seeing how my 2 sisters and mother treated me in front of them,lol.
People can see it, one of my brothers gfs said that I had a much softer face than my 2 sisters,I was quite shocked, but I now understand what she was actually saying,without saying it.
Any kind, genuine people can see what is really going on. Narc women hate it when the scapegoat is glowing & will try to take your light away.
Yes, a live stream would be GREAT !! I want to add, every time I’m watching a video, I can relate to something your talking about. Thank you !
Awesome! Thank you!
Internal Family Systems is such a wonderful therapy. Really great to hear you mention it. Thank you so much for all you do.
I'm so much happier since becoming estranged.
One thing I've noticed is that my default has been to always expect people to be critical of me, dismissive, talk about me negatively behind my back, mock me, eye roll etc.
Since becoming estranged I've begun to build and deepen new connections. I noticed I'm always expecting for 'that' to happen. As time has gone on I notice it's NOT happening? People genuinely seem to like and accept me.
I also don't feel like I have to prove myself all the time.
It's amazing to think I'd lived like that all my life. Thank you X
You're welcome. I'm sure your story of recovering from this form of abuse will be inspiring to others here.
I feel the same way when approaching new people. I expect to be dismissed, ignored, blamed. I'm glad you're finding new connections. It gives me hope too.
When I was 20 years old my mother told my best friend that my face had broke out and I had pimples in high school. My friend was surprised because my skin was clear and flawless. I said “Yes. I went to a dermatologist and was put on antibiotics and medicated makeup and it cleared up.”
Some tell these stories with a bit of glee - that's always a sign something is up...
I had my dad tell my first husband right before we were married all sorts of horrible things about me. It was not done in front of me, but I was told this by my husband after the marriage took place.
“So excited for them to meet your family” - I like your little laugh there.
My own parents always loved telling their visiting friends how “thick” I was.
Ugh! My 'scapegoat narrative' started with, "Rebecca was SUCH a difficult baby." Um, well, maybe because I was born unable to digest any food whatsoever other than white rice and goat's milk and was considered a terminal case? Could that cause a baby to cry and fuss? Hmmmmm....
And my second husband challenged my dad regarding my son being scapegoated, then he was never accepted by my dad.
Oh man, the preemptive strike - had no idea that was a thing. Yes. I didn’t date in high school. I was being scapegoated by family, especially my father during that time. I thought I was garbage, as he told me I was, but still went about my life to the extent that I had to.
At prom, I decided to take the plunge and agreed to go with the one person who asked me to go. ‘John’ arrived at my house while I was running an errand. Out on the sidewalk my father told ‘John’ he should just go to prom without me. “She’s not worth the wait” my father told him. He said a few more disaparaging things but that's the one I remember.
He didn't say ‘treat my daughter well or else’ but that I wasn’t 'worth the wait'. A few years later, I ran into ‘John’ at a party. We were inebriated and he walked me halfway home. I fell down by the railroad tracks and he repeatedly tried to rip my pants off. I fought back enough that he gave up and left me there.
I wonder if what my father had said long ago gave ‘John’ a mental green light to go ahead and do that. ‘John’ himself chose to do it, yes, but did the “She’s not worth the wait” comment factor in at all? I never told anybody what happened. I was garbage. I didn’t matter. My father told me so. And my family agreed. It wasn't the first or last time I kept such an assault secret.
It wasn't enough for my father to believe I was trash. While he was nursing that fantasy for himself, he wanted everyone else to believe I was trash too.
Truly heartbreaking. All children / adult children deserve to feel love, cherished, and protected by their parents. So very sorry you were subjected to all of this.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Hi Rebecca, I only started researching npd two years ago. Before then I wouldn’t have connected the two incidents. When informed people share their stories and experts like yourself share your research and experiences we can finally identify the weapons that hurt us and start tending to those specific wounds. The goal is to learn how to survive and thrive. Learning about FSA and npd is freeing so thank you for sharing your work.
You're welcome, glad you are here.
What an awful person your father was to implant such lies into your mind about yourself. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you've moved on and believed yourself to be worthy despite what he tried to implant. Even if we overcome it, something like what he did do you still changes who we are. Love and peace to you 🙏
@@Vic-Meow Thank you. Love and peace to you too. We can move beyond it. Yes, it did affect me pretty badly - I got self-destructive for awhile. But surviving has also made me look beneath the surface, beneath appearances and taught me to listen better to people. I think we become more aware. Thanks again. I wish you well on your journey.
Yes!! Live stream!!!!!
The first time I introduced my long-term boyfriend to my family, my youngest sister (who was widowed a year prior) started aggressively flirting with him, right in front of me! I was flabbergasted that she would disrespect and humiliate me like that! Her actions were more hurtful than words could ever be.
A perfect example, sadly.
I am recognising so much in my childhood from this. And then on into my adult life. Its incredible. So very helpful.
I appreciate you letting me know 🙏
I've been labeled w/cptsd. I am the scapegoat of a covert narcissistic alcoholic father, whom holds a close leash on my mother. She is what I've learned to be the parent that Orbit's the narcissist...On top of all this, my older brother is the Grandiose Golden adult child...this 'kid' is oblivious ..I myself have never seen the kind of true selfishness that he shows on a daily basis..he also is an alcoholic, and is directly emulating the closet drunk narcissist father we grew up with...wow? As the scapegoat, I figured out all their roles and realized what an uphill battle I still have....I'm now caretaking for my father at home... Which the golden child brother will not help me with....This stuff is seriously mortifying. And the type of abuse is surreal....the best cautionary tale family story of the twenty-first century
I just got your book. I am in the middle of this. I have a large family and have taken on the FSA role because I am helping my parent who has always been in that role of Scapegoat. I am just in the midst of the smear campaign. There are about 10 or so family members who are currently on the dreaded social media spreading hatred towards me. I still Love them though and it hurts my heart😢. Although this is happening I refuse to lose hope.
What a painful situation. ua-cam.com/video/AD-rwWEbcWET/v-deo.htmlhere is more hope to be had if a family system is primarily traumatized / dysfunctional versus narcissistic. I explain the differences here: ua-cam.com/video/AD-rwWEbcWE/v-deo.html
At my big age I was attacked verbally and called "weird and remnascent of a mental patient" for not presenting nor updating my home rehab. No house warming intended for familiar strangers when it was built on love❤
Thanks Rebecca 😊
Another stunningly insight and helpful video. My gratitude to you is beyond words.
Glad it was helpful!
Another great video Rebecca! Would like your take on this....Much of my growing up, I would befriend kids who were "the under dog"... they might have a disability (handcapped) or were over weight, etc. My mother, sometimes in ear shot of my disabled friend, would belittle them saying how "fat" they were or why was I hanging around "these types"....It was embarrassing cause I knew my friend probably heard her and I didn't know what to say to my friend...My narc mother ruined lots of my would be friendships that way.... Have a happy 4th of July Rebecca!
Part of the "dehumanizing others" aspect of this form of abuse, particularly if a parent is a covert or overt narcissist or has strong narcissistic traits.
That was very calm and helpful, thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
My father and sister call my boyfriend and bestfriend and extended family and say terrible things about me, especially when I need my family's support the most. For example, I was jumped by two women last November and called my sister and father the day after because I needed them to watch my son for me...I asked for a day, I didnt know what to tell my son and I didnt want my injuries to scare him and I am a single mom and needed medical treatment. My sister said "no offence but you kinda deserved it because youve been a bitch" ; and my father response was " you must have been mouthing off to them because you were out of control partying and drinking". In fact I was jumped after parking my car before going to watch my chef friend cook at a high-scale restaurant. I was in Toronto only because I was attending a job fair and took the rare opportunity to socialize. I had just reparked since I was told I would get a ticket were I was before. Not one drink was in my system and I never met those women before in my life. In addition to telling my sis and dad, I told my cousin and also my on again off again boyfriend because I needed someone to take me home from the hospital and to help me out around the house and with my son for a while. My sister and father called my cuz, and my bf, in addition to several other saying how much I lied about it all. So this is in line with the premises you've stated, and yes I became triggered. ........
Now two important questions have arised after your video:
1) is it possible that my sis and dad love me, or do I need to accept they will never love me, or express love to me ever again?
2) if my cuz, or especially, my bf doesnt seem to be an "enemy" of theirs, does that mean my bf doesnt support me in my absence? you said "they must be the enemy near the end of this video" is it that black and white? Or does my bf agree to some things they say to thread upon a thin line? Could it be they are taking their time working on my bf, and agree to disagree because we dont go to visit my sis and dad togther ever anyway and they dont have much to lose if in fact he doesnt drink all the Kool-aid?
If my bf is defending me and still doesnt seem to be their enemy.. then an alternative, in theory is that I have some personality disorder, I am delusional, an/or I unconsciously give people closest to me reasons or impressions that I am not an honest person, and everything I say should not ever be taken at face value.
This is highly personal, but I dont mind your response here, since, afterall, I can stand severe scrutiny. So I am ready for your professional hypothesis and impressions.
Thank you.
Samona
Hi Samona, your questions are excellent. I can help you just a bit here, however, as per my UA-cam disclosure I am not able to offer individual guidance or advice. What I can say is that nothing is ever perfectly black-and-white, and human psyches as well as human (family) systems dynamics are incredibly complicated and influenced by many forces that are often unconscious (such as intergenerational trauma, etc). I'm going to link you to a video here - as you watch it, you may begin to get an idea if there are dysfunctional versus narcissistic family dynamics going on in your family-of-origin - and yes, both may be going on at the same time (and if there drug/alcohol abuse issues, that can add a third (alcoholic family system) element. To understand what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my original Family Systems research, you will want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' as well. Video here: ua-cam.com/video/AD-rwWEbcWE/v-deo.html
Hello Rebecca, thank you for your response. I have placed your book in my amazon cart. To be honest, I'm quite hesitant to read it only because I feel especially vulnerable as of late, and my current situation cannot afford more triggers.
would you please share any thoughts about timing being a factor due to potential triggers I can only hardly take in small doses. Please do not misunderstand, because I do not doubt value of your works content. @@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Hi Samona, many readers have written to me who had the same concerns as you do. Chapters are brief, but dense. Go as slow as you need to and take breaks as needed via following the wisdom (signals) of your nervous system. I'm also linking you here to a playlist of FSA recovery affirmations that you may want to watch before you start reading and/or after: ua-cam.com/play/PLXSLEoZOeKOGGSKUrpDNC7Fq_uwFCcxwn.html&si=2KRA_7bBBzQlxVAR
Wonderful, thank you.
Sincerely,
Samona@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
I find that this is very true that the new in-law is ostracized because they don’t “toe the line” in the family. However I have found that many of my in-laws are themselves very narcissistic and don’t get along with the family. And I find that they are equally abusive to my siblings even though they don’t get along with my narcissistic mother. It makes sense they would be narcissistic too if the parents are narcissistic, right?
Sounds like a hornets nest. Per my youtube disclaimer, I am not able to diagnose people who are not my clients. What I will say is that anyone raised by narcissists will certainly have been impacted, one way or the other, for better or for worse.
A hornets nest is right!!
Thank you for your videos-they have been so helpful for me as a scapegoat survivor
Closed system, got it. I made so many miraculous escapes from attempts to silence me about the family abuse and sexualviolence inflicted on me, I could claim the title of 'The Escape G.O.A.T.'! Still alive at 67 but in so much pain, not a good life...
{oops} Too many postings about the organized crimnal form of narcissism - commonly known as 'gangstalking' or NSA "disruption operations"
because - a team has taken over the room across the hall, people in and outside the building tracking, stalking, disrupting all I do.
NOW either these heinous crimnal operations are exposed, total shut down, perps brought to justice, or - business as usual and the targeted killin's go on.
The End is here, either way, it seems.
For certain fact - calling police (as this building manger just suggested) can make it all much worse - if they are under orders to take the target to a mental ward for a 72 hour hold - as was done to me, starting on dec '08.
Thank you, Rebecca. 🧡
You are so welcome!
Thanks
This is amazing information ❤
Thanks. You may also want to read my book 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' if you're resonating with my work on FSA here.
What I want to know is, how do you stop reactive abuse happening from people who find out inadvertently that you had severe child abuse and all of your family are psychopathic? Because these people are acting as proxies for my parents and siblings in abusing me and punishing me in reaction to my answering their questions honestly without even going into detail. So what do you do when your doctor starts treating you like you are nuts because he found out you have a bunch of broken bones that never got treated when you were little? And how do you stop your abusers from reaching out through the grave and through time and finding a way to still get proxies like your doctor to do the dirty work for them and treat you as if you were still in the abuse situation? It’s just amazing to me. The power dynamic that psychopaths can be that toxic. The abuse just never ends no matter what age you are at. I thought I had it all figured out and then I realized that I didn’t know a single adult in my life up to age 17 that wasn’t a felon. They committed federal crimes against a child by not turning in my parents and calling the police to report child abuse. That’s how brainwashed they have you against yourself to just accept the blame. And then they don’t even have to be there for the reactive abuse to happen. You are randomly just going to see the doctor like a normal person and bam! It’s like you’re right in front of your parents or siblings again, going over the same false trash that was hurled at you endlessly as a child. And then, realizing that every person you had gone to for help, was actually a federal felon, who knew it was against the law, not to call the police, and did it anyway, and just threw you under the bus for their own personal benefit of ignoring it. It’s very disturbing because I thought I had tackled every angle of my past and not been around my family for 20 years and then boom! Child abuse… The gift that just keeps on giving. 🤣 I have to laugh about it… that’s all I have left at 62.
I've said the same thing, many a time. It is the gift that keeps on giving "There mustvbe a pony!" - Know that story?). Your comment gives me an idea for a new video down the road. Thank you.
Wow that sounds so terrible. Sending you love and peace. ❤ We should all write books.
Is this why my partners start to treat my feelings like a burden, after they hang out with my mom a few times? Would it potentially help me to keep people who i want in my life away from her, and myself when im around her?
I still have blindspots regarding how i behave differently w my family of origin. So i dont know when i bring the scapegoat reaction into my relationships.
I remember seeing this with my dad when we visited his family, his voice would change from the educated administrator to a steel worker's slang.
Good questions for consideration. Did you already watch my video on the 'martyr parent ploy'? May or may not apply, you might check it out and see.
When I was pregnant with my first baby (one and only), my husband's Grandma asked if my mom was upset that I was pregnant..... I looked at her and said, "She is super excited, and she really likes the man that is going to be her grandsons' father."
The next day, his Grandma came by my work to "treat me to lunch"....... Welp, been married for 23 years, and I'm definitely the scapegoat.... Especially since I had to stop working due to a disabling and painful autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis.... I guess I didn't fit into his grandma's, mother's narrative they wanted.
They wanted a daughter in law to take care of the elders, and do as she is told. Ummmm .... No. That's not how I do, I don't play. I have boundaries. They got really pissed off about my boundaries..... Apparently I am a mean and awful person for having boundaries and "faking" an autoimmune disease, that I was born with.... I was diagnosed by a rheumatologist, I had blood-work and MRI showing the results of the diagnoses. Medical, scientific proof.... I just didn't know I had Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia, and born with a narrow spinal canal until I was in my early 40's....... Since childhood, I thought everyone delt with some sort of pain and fatigue, but I wasn't able to hide it as well as everyone else..... Now I know, I am STRONGER than most! Not my fault I was born with it, it sure in the hell wasn't the Maybaleen! 🤷♀️
When my pain became chronic when I was age 32, that's when MIL really started in the covert abuse, emotional, manipulation, psychological..... It was traumatizing during the peak of covid pandemic, as I am immunocompromised, high risk..... For 13 years of our marriage (married 23 years), I have been covertly abused by MIL and other in-laws due to MIL's smear campaign.... When my husband would visit his mom or family without me, he would come home irritable, and nit-pick me and/or our son to the point we would get into arguments.
My husband's blinders finally fell off a few weeks ago. Things are getting better. He is setting boundaries with his mom, and spending less time with her. I haven't seen her since Christmas 2022. She is a constant boundary pusher, and acts like she doesn't understand what boundaries are, or why I should have them.....
She doesn't make me feel safe, and she makes me feel like total garbage.... Before and even after I was accurately diagnosed with this painful and disabling autoimmune disease MIL would tell me, "I wish you were strong like *my* family"...... Yet, she broke her finger, and it's the end of the world..... My husband told her, "Mom, you always tell Monica how you wish she was strong like our family, yet you are sobbing and carrying on like your life is ending due to a broken finger..... Monica has Ankylosing Spondylitis and is in PAIN EVERY DAY, yet she still makes it through, survives and thrives. So..... What gives!?"
His mom was totally silent after that.... 😂
* Ankylosing Spondylitis
* HLA-B27 gene
* Immunocompromised
* Fibromyalgia
* Born with a narrow spinal canal
* Chronic Pain
* Autoimmune Disease
* both SI joints are fused
* Nerve damage in both wrists and elbows, due to damage of Ankylosing Spondylitis
* Disabled
PS, I also manage anxiety, depression, and C-PTSD due to past childhood abuse by narcissistic and bipolar stepdad..... Physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, manipulation......
Thank you for taking the time to share part of your story. You may want to watch a couple of videos of mine here: 1) ua-cam.com/video/ytSdn8nQCBg/v-deo.html 2) ua-cam.com/video/878iNKXSwHE/v-deo.html
We have Ankylosing Spondylitis in our family too. I have the gene,my youngest brother is very affected & most in family treat him like he is faking it. I'm an ex geriatric nurse,now a Disability Carer. Many people have no idea about this debilitating condition. You are fortunate to have a very wise husband that stood up for you.
Just go minimal contact with them for your sake. Seriously, these people think their opinions really matter,when they don't. It's better not to even hear what they think about anything until they mature. Remember they are only 4yo inside,that helps me a lot and also avoiding them whenever possible...
According to my narcissist sister, my father told her that I slept with half the boys in my high school graduating class. I could see him doing it, especially after he had raped me and gotten me pregnant. Spreading that rumor would cast doubt on me saying he raped me and got me pregnant. I got an abortion. This wasn't the only lie he told about me, but it was the worst. My family presented this fantasy of everyone being loving and supportive. That was so far from the truth. Dumped the narcissist sister and my other siblings. So done with the abuse.
If i didn't know any better... you were hiding in my house for the duration of my childhood!
I must have been hiding in thousands of peoples houses, yikes!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Lol
this is true-- my boyfriend broke up with me because my family was so toxic
Yes, this happens. Yet another unrecognized loss for the FSA adult survivor.
When people say to me, " But the are your FAMILY, surely you have ONE nice person in the group. I respond with, I didn't invent the term estrangement,but I am glad it exists. And NO, there isn't ONE "nice" person in the entire fam damily
People simply cannot wrap their heads around this form of systemic abuse.
Everything you said my parents did to me.
I'm very sorry to hear it.Here's a resource page I made for FSA adult survivors in case you are wanting some support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Adopt the cult narrative or suffer the consequences.
That about sums it up.
I'm 73 years old and my Narcissist mother even died and all my 5 sisters want nothing to do with me (the scapegoat). I opened the door to one of them but she's never gotten any help for herself so I had to close the open door. I think I know which one is the Golden Child but I need more information to be sure.
FSA is indeed a devastating form of invisible abuse. 🙏
I found that if you ask a family of siblings if there are favourites? The GC will say no and the SG will say yes! Lol. You have to laugh at the answers, it's quite interesting.
Get away from them.
Its a sick family.
My husband bought into it.
Sadly, this happens, compounding the tragedy of FSA.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse correct. I left him. He killed himself. 13 years later I find it in writing/text from my family that they blame me for his death. F’d up.
That’s like pouring acid onto the wound. So very sorry.
One day when I was asking my older sister if she could help with mother for an overnight, she said no because she did not sleep well.
I asked her about a family occurrence when she refused to help our niece who had been sexually abused. At the time, my sister was single and her 3 children were grown and out. I had 2 children, 8 and 1 1/2, a business, and my husband was out of town doing rescue work in SF after the earthquake in 89. Her excuse for not helping was that she had a new boyfriend. I kicked her out of my house and told her to F off. This was before I knew about the narcissist family and scapegoating. But guess what? ( as my grand daughter asks me constantly 😂) I am too strong for them. No matter what they do, I overcome. 🙏🏼🤍💪🏼⚖️🕊
Sounds like you had a good sense of justice and boundaries early on - and the ability to act swiftly to take care of you and yours.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Finally getting better at 70. 🙄Videos on UA-cam have helped me greatly, as well as learning I am HSP & empathic. It was just the last few years I figured out that expressing my rage was ok. I was diagnosed at 26 with Crohn’s and had to have surgery at 46. Life gets better every year. Thank you so much. 😘🙏🏼🤍