1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
I think scapegoating family system is more like everything related to a war: the battles, the ruins, the picking up the pieces, the hope for rebuilding. Some days, I feel like a surviving soldier with a mangled body.
Yes I agree it's a war that many ppl don't see but the energy can be crippling 😣 visual wounds get treatment but the effects of FSA go deep into the core of our psyche & only ppl whom have been through this can see into the window of this darkness 😨 it's a long battle my friend & well worth the fight to gain knowledge plus self respect 😊
That was another huge wake-up call for me when my toxic sisters began turning their young adult children (my nieces and nephews) against me. Thanks for this topic.
Same! 🖐️😳 I feel like I have the secret service keeping an eye on me at family gatherings. I bend down to speak to a grand niece or nephew and I'm surrounded by folks monitoring my conversation! I brought a book I read when I was eight and adored, I found myself explaining the plot and why I loved it, practically begging for their approval!!! I'm more angry with myself for lacking the self-respect. 🤬
Sharon Thomson You’re ok. Easily done. It’s that edginess that brings you back, just remember you know how to enjoy a book. 20+ years ago, a film with Anthony Hopkins, I can’t remember the name, he was an English lecturer, writer and very religious. He married an American woman, “later in life”, based on a true story, maybe 1950’s. In one scene he’s on a train and speaking with a young man from a coal mining district, whose father was a village teacher. The young man said, his father told him “ We read to know we are not alone”. ❤. Also seeing as you do like children’s fiction- there’s Roal Dahl and The Twits 😨😳
Hello Rebecca, thank you for posting this video. I'm the scapegoat in my family of origin. My son recently informed me of this information, when he's was younger my brother, brother in-law, & nephews used to ganged up on him and bullied him on a continuous basis! At the time I was just dating a new man who is now my husband. He witnessed the others being nasty and mean to my son. He'd pull me to the side and told me about what happened! By the time I'm there the extended family members acted normal and I was not able to confront them!!! What hurts the most was that they're abusing my child like they did to me and I didn't even know it! These evil malice acts were done behind my back. And by the time I found out it's years later and a bit too late! I asked my son why didn't you tell me about these abuse while it was happening to you. He replied that he just didn't know or had the vocabulary to described what happened. Thank you for bringing this subject to light Rebecca. I'll never leave my children alone with the perpetrators again! BTW, I went no contract with my family of origin, the entire bloodline, and mutual friends. And it's liberating. Sending healing energy, love, and many blessings to everyone in this community. 💛🫶🌟
Good to see you here, Cyndi. Thank you for sharing such a painful 'real life' example of what I hoped to convey via this brief video. I am sure it will help others to hear your story.
You're welcome Rebecca! You're an Earth Angel and I appreciate you greatly... I'm happy to share, even if my story helps one person, it'd make me supper happy. No one should ever have to endure this kind of insidious abuse! Your video conveyed a denser version of what happened to me (& most pple here). Thanks again for your support & reply dear Angel. 💛🫶🌟
This last story sounds exactly like my situation. In fact, I saw it happen right under my nose -Siblings, changing the trust, estate to benefit them, and lying to/ostracizing me. As I had managed all my mother’s personal and financial affairs for years prior, and after dad passing, she had given me permission to access her email. She forgot to change it after siblings hired a very aggressive lawyer to come after me, and everyone went silent. I was floored. I had a front row seat to deception, betrayals, smearing, etc.. I saved all the emails knowing this could be an undue influence case. The problem is, after a lifetime of trauma, I just want nothing to do with them. I just want healing. so it’s hard to know what to do. It seems wrong to let them get away with this, but I am needing to make this decision very soon. There are other complicated financial issues besides this one. And of course they have smeared me to my entire family. Not one person has remained loyal to me or come forward. I am very much alone in this with no allies. Excellent topic. Thank you so much for being the first to cover it so well.
So very sorry to hear this. In the past, I've had clients feel it is important that the deceased have their wishes honored in regard to their estate. The gross injustice of a will / trust not being fully honored gives them energy and strength and spurs them on. But it must be an individual choice. In the end, I suggest to my clients that they do what serves them at the HIGHEST level - including their nervous system.
Feeling you. Ditto. 80year old parents who to all onlookers are pillars of society...what to do? The best thing about having nothing left to lose is that you have everything to gain. The skills we had to develop to get through this maelstrom will be the very same skills that get us through the future & I say bring it on with love & gratitude xxxx thank you Rebecca for your dedication to your life purpose xxxx
Let me tell you from experience the money isn’t worth it. There is no amount of money you could win that would be worth the time you’ll spend with the depositions and lies and accusations and being slandered. I knew this would happen in my family and the very minute, the day my father died, I severed ties, knowing what would happen. None of the pieces fit for years my sister would say things to me that made no sense at the time. She would always talk about money, and she would always say things like “if you contest the will you get nothing, but you’re not getting anything anyway. I tried to go to bat for you but you get nothing“ I got along with my dad at this time and loved him so I didn’t ask him if it was true because can you imagine how sad he’d feel at a question about money after he dies. I think back and realize she was setting me up thinking I’d ask him which then would make me look like the money hungry daughter she always said I was even though she was the pothead mooch. I was thinking to myself why are you even talking about money because I love my father I didn’t care about his money. I worked hard and had my own so I never understood why that’s all she talked about and why she’d say such horrible things. I was so stupid and naïve back then. What I learned later too late was she was turning my dad and other family members against me (she had been doing that behind my back all my life) to destroy our relationship because she fell on hard times and had to move onto his property. I didn’t even know what was happening behind my back but I was always being accused of things that weren’t true and defending myself and crying and begging to be heard and begging to be believed. The stress took such a toll on my health and body horrible absolutely horrible because what is happening to you you don’t even know it’s happening and won’t until long after you’re out of it and I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. I didn’t care I didn’t want anything. I just wanted to be free from that hate and the lies and the triangulation and the horrible accusations and the constant invalidation. Being a scapegoat is a horrible way to live and exist in a group of people that you love and thought, loved you only to realize they have hated you. The scapegoat is the one who is diligent and a hard worker so walk away make your own life and leave them to their vile money tainted by pure evil. Seriously if you can throw your hands up and walk away your health will thank you.
I am 30, my parents are in their mid-70s. After a lifetime of abuse, I said no more. They require help that I would have given them but I realized they would never love or respect me so I wrote them my last farewells. We haven’t spoken for months since. They are elderly and sickly but I decided my future kids wouldn’t see me be disrespected or abused by my parents😂. I have preemptively forfeited any inheritance, baby photos, heirlooms, and memories. I just couldn’t take the impact of being a scapegoat on me, my marriage, my work, and life in general anymore. It was like my growth was paralyzed being in their presence. Thank you for posting this content, it is so relevant and important.
You're welcome. My next 'mission' is to research on, and clearly define, what I have named 'family scapegoat trauma' (FST). It is a unique form of trauma that currently goes unrecognized and survivors deserve to have their struggles and their suffering validated.
I was told by my sociopathic father that if I told the social services the real narrative of my abusive family that I would be cut out of the family inheritance & I told him that I could not be part of his twisted way to buy people into silence. I don't know which of his many threats were the worse ? The one that hurt the most was him & my sister saying that I had dreamt it all up for attention. I am happy now without the inheritance with my soul in full view of all the people who stood by & watched while my character was smashed to pieces. I would rather be poor from the dark money & rich with the love of God who knows I was telling the truth 😊 The truth has set me free from their narrative; I am now very confident in my own reality of family systems, thanks to you Rebecca 💜
Your father and sister's comment that you "dreamt it all up" struck a similar nerve. My gc sister was fond of saying "that (insert memory of abuse) NEVER HAPPENED! You must have DREAMED THAT!" Gaslighting at it's finest. She certainly took a double dose of Kool aid AND sold her soul to the devil. But the mask DOES slip, and as they all age, it seems to get harder and harder for them to maintain the facade.
Nicola Byrne - well done you- mighty woman 💪. That is a very powerful image- your soul in full view. Courage and integrity, healing ❤️🩹 💚I told everyone from a very young age, it’s my adult years that have suffered from this style, most especially from “the professionals”, that part I find kind of fascinating
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Any professional that studied group dynamics (i. e) Maslow or Yalom & family systems theory; Bowen; would know that dysfunctional groups need a Scapegoat & a Golden Child; the Scapegoat takes all the stress of the family problems & is holding the toxicity of the projections while the Golden Child/ren gets the praise for the purpose of external spectators; both are needed by the parents so that they don't have to take responsibility of their behaviour. Some professionals have their own agenda & miss this important part & don't even do a geogram. Our services are outdated & disappointing 😲
Yep. My family’s favorite game is to cozy up to Ex spouses during and after a divorce. The one silver lining to my dad passing away will be I will never have to deal with any of my siblings ever again.
Severed all ties years ago. Evil is the only way to describe their shenanigans. What’s so strange is they smear, lie, triangulate and ignore you and then when you walk away they send random communications until blocking is the only way to get the slime off yourself. These people are intentionally malignant and act with intent and purpose. Scapegoating should be a criminal offense.
Scapegoating needs to be clearly recognized as abuse - and much more research needs to be done so that the issue is taken seriously - because for the majority of society, it isn't.
My narcissistic golden child sister turned my niece and nephew against me. My mother turned my son against me. I'm sure my G.C. sister has told my mom to leave me nothing. I don't even care. I've been alone with little help all my life and survived.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I'm relived I'm not the only one. In a way, it feels like I'm healing - to stop caring about not being cared about. Does that make sense? Or am I lost?
@@raven4090 was going to post a reply to you about the relief of knowing I’m not the only one! There seems to be plenty of solid “normal”people here…. I’ve done so much introspection, dissection- what is it about me etc, I imagine that many of us have. Take care.
As a private caregiver, I usually see the scapegoats being left out of the parents’ Will - and it’s devastating for them. Two of the worst cases I’ve seen were: A woman who was battling brain cancer whose father (a wealthy doctor) died; whereby her nephew and his girlfriend were the beneficiaries of his estate. Another case was of a scapegoat who moved from another country back to the US to live with his sick parents and took care of them until they both died (his father was a wealthy attorney); and not a penny was left to the scapegoat. The 2 GC sons received everything. The major GC (whom I did like) called me not too long afterward to tell me that he was going to quit his full-time job and would never have to work another day in his life. He was only 52 years old.
Rebecca, my mother has money - and I’ve been estranged from her for 10 years. It took a while to come to this conclusion, but I’ve decided that I will not fight for my share of the estate if she leaves me nothing. A few years ago, A Christian man helped me to understand that all the money she has belongs to her - so technically, I’m not entitled to any of it. But if she leaves me something..... great. And if she doesn’t.... I don’t care, since I don’t need her money to survive. Not every scapegoat will come to this conclusion; but I have, and I’m content with it.
@@elizabethd.2398 This is perfectly reasonable. I also point out to my clients that money is also energy. Is this energy life-enhancing? Is it worth the price one might pay by going after it? With that said, wills/trusts, etc should be respected and when this is not happening, seeking out legal assistance is advisable.
This is heartbreaking. I have no desire to have ANYTHING from that person who gave birth to me. There were some things over the years, a cheap doll that was hers growing up, the family bible at one time, but my baby sister and I were talking & she mentioned first while we were talking that she'd like to have it, and I said "you know what, that's cool, you take it" 👍 I didn't pine or anything. No jewelry, no money, nothing gives me any sentimental feelings at this point. My sibs can swoop in like a bunch of vultures, I could care less. It was always about her. Anything I DID treasure got thrown in the trash, so...
Rebecca, @beyondfamilyscpegoating, There seems to be a recurring case where scapegoats who care for elderly parents are treated to a will write out. I’m due nothing!!! And the only person in my family in actual need of some assistance due to the serious space I’m in with my kids and an ex…who is very devious and nothing legally sorted after years. I never played ball with the money narrative, the threats you will get nothing in my will. I was super independent by necessity. I experienced deliberate neglect in my family of origin. I didn’t see the financial red flags in my super sneaky, nice shy guy- ex and also with the law, it can be used against a reasonable person when divorcing or legally separating from a sneaky abuser.. Having said all that, the material and social comforts my siblings enjoy and how they sleep well at night is a mystery., a head f&&k that I’m no longer trying to figure out, because all my trying to just brought it back to why, what is it about me? etc…. The old bible is not always the best route to take! Do onto others etc… that was my compass… now I probably need to ask are others doing onto me as they would like done to them? There’s more balance in this. They are carrying on the legacy. I’m so sick to my back teeth of therapists who refuse to see the bigger picture and are lazy about what they do, a gravy train for some… keep coming back etc… and zero psycho education provided and then hiding behind some old basics they can pull out from their training days. I have been left in a very vulnerable position by this, going to therapy is about getting help to join the dots in your life. Babette Rothschild, a woman of integrity and ability, repeatedly says the only goal of trauma therapy should be to help the client improve their quality of life. The absolute worst part of everything in my life has been the outcome for my kids on a number of levels. I have been such a warrior, like the poster girl for resilience. And yet this is where it’s at now. I could have saved years and a huge amount of mental, emotional, physical, financial and spiritual resources had I had a therapist who did not put everything onto me with the vague statement…. Boundaries… that was the best she ever came up with over a four year period. I am so angry about the unnecessary suffering I went through and harm. She is no longer practicing and if she were I would follow up, as in conscience I could not withhold my information and awareness. Despite so many messes and challenges in my life, I have a level of inner peace that is sustaining and helps me with my kids. The thing is how do you break this cycle.
If you cannot afford an estate attorney, you can investigate whether your state has free or reduced cost services, such as Legal Aid. However, these attorneys have the right to accept or reject prospective cases based on the information available. If a sibling is in the role of the executor/administrator, you may be able to initiate contact and offer to help with the estate administration in order to be in the loop and get your share. However, do not be surprised to find that some aspect of your inheritance is denied to you through delays, stonewalling or failure to communicate/cooperate by the sibling in charge.
Don't even need siblings or other family members to have your inheritance stolen. My toxic parent made sure my inheritance went to manipulative grifters who are total strangers.
This is really astounding, it's exactly what has happened to me. My brother suggested to my parents that the older brother in the family which was him should get a double portion. This was the one who rushed to get married before me because he knew I was getting married but said that the oldest son should be getting married before the younger daughter. He has been in competition with me for as long as I can remember. He is the one who gossiped to everyone against me without having information about me.
Oh! The video ended abruptly and I was on the edge of my seat! My family is cooking up a scenario where I am declared incompetent and will be given an allowance from a trust. All of this because I dated a girl who successfully recovered from an addiction 15 years ago. I've more or less given up and I wanted to hear more about that story and how it turned out. Thank you for your videos, you're the best!
I always encourage people in your position to consult with an Estate Attorney, as mentioned in the video. Hope you got the Legal Aid information I included at the end after the abrupt cut-off (duty called...!) I'll say more about all of this in a later video, rest assured.
"Is it really worth the price of your soul?." So glad you poised that important question a scapegoat or anyone for that matter should ask themselves. I had to come to that realization, that it is blood money and it was not worth the price of my soul. Narcissist gloat over the fact that you are loyal not because of genuine love and care but for money? They don't care as long as they have control. Both pay a price for that in my opinion one way or another. Also you could stick it out and still be written out of the will and not know it.
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Indeed, it seems that way. These ties can be severed, though. Once a scapegoat has had enough, the game is truly over. Scapegoats, the game is not designed for you to win. They love seeing you try though. There is zero redemption. Do not waste your precious time. Break their narrative of you by exiting their story. Be awesome in all you do and don't look back. Ever. There will be dragons if you do.
My family was a war. My dad hated me because he had me to get out of the Vietnam war. SO I was the embodiment of what he thought was his cowardice. So basically I was supposed to get him out of the draft and then die and go away. I was no contact the last 20 years of his life. My golden child little brother got all the inheritance. A 4 br house and a giant pile of money. He doesnt work. He just sits ALONE in a 4br house and drinks. He is alcoholic and had 2 MRIs close to death. Dropped out of college. Age 51 now he is my mom’s new son husband. I am just beyond the craziness at this point.
You provide a powerful example of why I say the 'Golden Child' may *seem* to benefit from their supposedly exalted position in the family, but if one takes a closer look, that is not often the case. In the end, your choice to go nc may have saved you from a similar fate.
I am the scapegoat of the toxic family. The golden child was trying to take everything. All family members were in on the plan. I wasn't going to get anything. I had to get an estate attorney. I am no contact with my entire toxic family. I learned a very hard lesson, toxic family systems will destroy the scapegoat. They don't care about me and they never will.
I've seen this in 2 families. 2 families destroyed all because of their greed. You're so right about inheritance. I knew someone who put their abusive father's relationship before his own family's importance and value. But realize, that if a person like this is putting everyone else down, other than the real abuser for money, run. That was the only thing that person could get out of their abusive parent. That was all that parent ever valued and it showed in their child. If you have a partner whose parent flaunts theur stuff to their child and teases them with it get out of that relationshop asap. They'll run all over themselves and you to get it. Money is the root of all evil with many human beings. Greed. It's real and it's very scary. Absolutely make sure all your needs are met in every relationship. Some people just do not understand what humsn relationships are. They really have no boundaries whatsoever. And they will do whatever they want. These people are really ugly inside. I don't believe that anybody like this can ever truly hide just how ugly they feel about themselves. Who needs it. Nothing is ever worth that in one's life. People can lie to themselves all day long. But anyone's lies that affect your life, make it off limits to you and the ones you really care about. Your life is not a joke. But to an emotionally damaged person, it is . Don't allow people in your life who play around with it. Take an abusers behavior very seriously. Especially an abusive parents. They're not Gods. They're just people too.
Yes. Take the abusive behavior very seriously, indeed. And learn to recognize it, which is one of the reasons I have devoted my career to raising awareness around family scapegoating abuse and attendant trauma.
Thank you for suggesting this video to me, I'm less than 5 minutes in and in tears. You see me and you don't even know me. It's beyond validating. I am so grateful to have stumbled upon your videos. What a life changer!
You are so welcome. To understand this form of abuse more, you may also want to read my introductory guide on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Many find it very eye-opening and helpful as the systemic aspects of this form of abuse are acknowledged clinically and addressed.
The key part of this VDO on inheritance is not a topic I’ve heard about elsewhere (possibly people don’t like to admit that they might be staying in the web for the money). Although I did have limited contact for a number of years (Xmas + B’days) I realized that when my brother who lives with ‘them’ communicates, he had a hidden agenda such making me out to be wealthy with a high paying job when I don’t have work and prior to that he was making out that I was an alcoholic and incapable despite the fact that I hardly drink, and before that I was supposedly dealing in drugs etc. This has been going on for 20 years. I believe my parents have already given him most of their money on the basis that he takes care of them, and I expect nothing. And will get nothing after I’m done with them even if I was in for a few scraps.
My narcissistic BPD mother stated after my father passed who had made a trust for my sister & I that it was really all hers and she intended to spend it all on herself. She manipulated the banker took all our CD’s with our names, and SS numbers on them.. ..she encroached in our trust being a hoarder, now there’s nothing left. She has no shame or remote. Been a nighmare cleaning out her houses😳
Thank you so much. My Ex tried to sue me for full custody of our 2 kids after my husband brutally attacked me. He lied to my friends and family, told them that I was trying to take the kids away from HIM. Ludicrous! He subpoenaed my 2 sisters, my mother (covert) came with no subpoena. The entire time on the stand they grilled me about my marriage (violent, undiagnosed bipolar), my stepfather (terrible relationship, toxic AF), and finally my biological father (abandoned my mother and I when i was about 4-5 years old). I thought I would be a mess, but I couldn’t believe this was their angle. The judge knew what she was hearing, though. She was angry at the case, and the Verdict, like the GAL, was most definitely in my favor. She was prepared to hate us both, really. She yelled at opposing counsel and brought Exes gf into the court and lectured them.
All my family support my narcissistic step father…. He is coercively controlling, passive aggressive and I get the brunt of it…. My respect for all my immediate family has totally gone. I feel physical sick when in his company. I have gone No Contact with all of them. My peace and safety is far more important to me than indulging in superficial fakery. Unreal. I witness now that I am pushed back into scapegoat role when I am around them. You are spot on…. It is a battlefield….. and bloody exhausting. ❤
I told my father last year to cut me out of all dead leff (Jamaican talk for Will) and birtday money. If my parents think money is the answer, then they have wasted 50 yrs of being a parent to me. Money mean nothing when you yearn a genuine loving relationship with your family. I gone no contact with my mother 5 yrs ago. Best decision I ever made. My mental health is a touch better. I can still improve though! I walked out of the hospital ward she was on because I tried to greet her with a kiss and she coughed straight into my mouth, infront of my Dad and second in line sister. Im the oldest. This was just the last straw to be honest. I had enough. I walked away calmly and waved goodbye to a lady who not long endured a stroke. Bless her she raise her affected hand to say bye to me. Made an effort to say bye to someone she dont even know. Effort.
Yes, this was done to me exactly as you described. I lost my kids and my grandkids due to this 15 years ago. I am 68. I had no allies. I finally figured it all out a year ago and went no contact when I realized that my mother had been lying to everyone in my family about me for years every time I made her angry. She is a covert and would channel her rage at me by scapegoating me in secret. She is 91 now with dementia and finally a year ago she slipped up enough for me to have the truth slap me in the face and wake me up to the truth about why my whole family hates me so much.
This therapist, Rebecca Mandeville, hits the nail right on the head. She is excellent with these videos and completely right on with everything she is saying. Covert mom, NPD bro, Malignant sis covertly turning everyone against me my entire life, with the family mantra being "there is something wrong with her". Loving father died. I drank and smoked, & had no idea what this whole mess was all about, but thank God, I got sober. I began pulling together an understanding of this family system when I was in my 40s, but I didn't have knowledge it was NPD and FSA until my 60s. One of my aha moments was when I realized I was never going to get an inheritance, the siblings were hitting up the parent for money and getting it constantly, because they were loved. When my mom died I drove to her home to get the ashes of my step-father, I was taking care of the remains of both of them. My mom had little stickers on the bottom of everything in her house of value - and there was one family heirloom she had promised to me. All of the stickers were gone, except that one item - and it had a sticker on the bottom with my brother's name. At that moment I said to myself, "Don't take any of this - let them have it if it means so much to them". Honestly, how much is a bunch of stuff like that worth? They went through her house and took, gave to their kids, or sold everything off, never paying me a penny for the funeral costs - and of course massively insulting me in front of everyone at the services and then again for good measure at the wake. I'm 67 now and I am on speaking terms with my siblings, because one lives out of state and the other is out of the country - I will say hello, give a hug, say I love you, but I don't ask them over for lunch, a movie or a holiday. It is extremeley low contact - and I'm okay with that. AA taught me to let go. Let them go and do as they do. Get out of the line of fire. Don't expect a thing, because you're not dealing with people who give. Its important to realize who and what you're dealing with, since the most important part of dealing with a problem is coming to an understanding of what the problem IS. I've done 3 rounds of therapy, each 18 months, and then I did EMDR therapy about 5 years ago and that therapy really helped me put a lot of this to bed up in my head. I no longer have the angst I used to have over all of this bad treatment, which is now a thing of the past. And yes, they did everything they could to turn my husband and daughter away from me, but it didn't work entirely. The husband GOT IT! He sees the whole thing now, although we did struggle earlier on. He comes from an NPD family, too. I had to come to the point where I said to myself and to my family, "I don't care if the entire state puts it on the ballot and votes that Sherry is no good - I will stand my ground here"! I'm am doing great, I keep a positive mental attitude because I insist on that with my self, and I got busy and made friends that are kind and wonderful to me and I am good to them. I don't have to prove myself to anyone but me. These rotten people in our lives actually can't tie us to them - we are voluteering for that. It is the self and the reaction to these bad actors that needs to change, because the bad actors will never change. My life is my responsibility and I've got enough on my plate in changing me and my attitude that I don't have time to work on them.
Thank you, Sherry. Sounds like you have taken full responsibility for your healing and have already made much progress. Appreciate your sharing some of your story.
2:16 I tell you what could be worse.. being adopted to a narc mother and a psychopathic adoptive brother and the only person who truly loved you died when you were only 4 years old. Having a emotional abusive and emotional absent adopted mother who enables her psychopath adopted son to try to murder me by choking or other ways that’s what could be worse.. never been able to get kids because you’re so messed up by all the trauma and having enough self awarness not to involve another innocent live Only to find out after 25 years of abuse that your narc adopted mother did put a will up where EVERYTHING goes to the psychopath Meaning my whole inheritance of my father and her will go to him. I have been dying from inside before but for what I feel now there are no words
Knowledge and awareness jn proper doses is so important to my recovery from FSA. Choosing the term “battle” helps me to be better prepared. Anticipating the next move and proper action is empowering. I am in the process of retaining an estate attorney, and not just anyone … the best attorneys for the job. There are estate attorneys, however, you need to state that you are willing to “contest the will”. Many good attorneys will say “that’s not for our firm” so, if your serious ask for a referral. Good attorneys know who the best litigating attorney firms are - who have a specialty in this area.
My poor son was the scapegoat. In fact, I was too. My son only had me, his mother, then I was used and manipulated, and my son ended up isolated, helpless, powerless, and he thought, no one cared about him. He committed suicide at 27. Now I am the scapegoat, but I don't care. I have had enough. My other son has no warmth or respect for me, it appears that he is contemptuous. It dawned on me that he has been manipulated against myself and his brother since he was a toddler. I lost custody of my babies. My son, that committed suicide, was blamed and framed, ending up in prison, accused of stuff, shamed, made to feel he was bad (he was not). I was made to believe I am a bad mother. (I am not). No one seems to care what happened to my son
My Narc Mom set me up & I went to prison for 2.5 months... After this experience, I tried to commit suicide 3 times; if my mom can get away with this she can get away with anything was my attitude... I'm so very very sorry about your son! I can't imagine losing child to suicide! I do know, though, how it feels to feel completely hopeless from narcissistic abuse... Thank you for sharing!
I can only imagine your pain. It is a most horrifically sobering thought to lose one's son, then remember his intense suffering. Look after yourself my Friend.
My neices and nephew scorned me. I was never included in family gatherings when my niece with children came to visit from far. I have never met her two daughters but once by chance in a store. I found out at age 50(!) my sister and her told everyone I tried to murder her as a baby by smashing her head against concrete..that sister didn't call police to protect the family. ...NEEDLESS TO SAY ALL LIES!!!! How to get past this.
This is one of the most difficult aspects of this form of abuse (what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA): The injustice of it all. I have a video here on Injustice and Righteous Rage. You might also want to purchase my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
I married a Scapegoat of a Narcissistic mob/gang.Looked good on tje outside but noticed real quick that my spouse seemed to have accepted the role of "Black Sheep" as well the narc parent had already run off 1 of their children's spouse,and was working on another child's spouse,then a third,I almost became a casualty not being able to tolerate the abusive and toxic knights of the round table when family functions would happen at the golden child's home. Someone was always on the chopping block and had continuing supply to feed off for a while. I finally divorced them( not my spouse) he is now no contact and starting to heal. Occasionally a flying monkeys will show up or they try to get info about us through out friends or grandkids,40 years of this stuff,we lost our oldest to suicide and were blamed by the narc parent for his death by the way we raised him. That was the clenc
I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your son. How hideous to be blamed for his death. I've seen this with some past clients of mine, and this same situation came up in some of my FSA survey responses as well. And yet, society denies this form of abuse. I can barely get my videos monetized here, because apparently associating the word 'abuse' with 'family' is a real taboo with advertisers.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse that would be such an unpleasant horrible experience to go through. I can’t even imagine. I know you are right and I for sure could’ve maybe should’ve done that. I just wasn’t that strong and guess maybe I should’ve tried to stand up for myself for once. I had several friends tell me to do that but I just could not do it. I literally felt sick at the thought of seeing their faces in court and felt just let them have it because karma will get them. I thought does my sister and her accomplices really believe that God will allow them to skip off into the sunset with stolen money through Machiavellian behavior money that wasn’t theirs and live a great life. I really believe this is a spiritual thing, a spiritual sickness that gets in these people. I just can’t imagine any sane person ever treating another human being the way they do but Karma did come and continues to, but it really doesn’t bring me any satisfaction or gloating. Mostly, I’m just sad for all the relationships that never were, that should’ve been. I loved those people and would’ve done anything for them. It’s such a sad dynamic.
My mother once told me that she would disinherit me, I told her, “ I can’t miss what I never had, I could care less about inheritance!” I had gotten married and moved out by then, but that did not stop her from using every angle she could. You once mentioned how they will accuse you of being rude or mean etc when it’s them and it’s like you saw my life. It was my daughters BD party and all our close friends arrived with their kids and we waited about 15min and (my daughter had spent the night at my parents) so I called their house and my mother answers and I laughing asked where were they? …… was late for her BD party and my mother becomes irate hangs up the phone. I was upset because I was very light hearted and it was our close friends so why would I be upset they lived 15 minutes away so it wasn’t like the party would have to be canceled. Anyway they show up and once again my father is mad and confronting me because she told him it was ME yelling at and being rude to my her! I wish you were around then, my life would I imagine would have been very different understanding my whole life back then. By the grace of god and some people spread thru out my life with words I’ll never forget that made common sense and the counselors who spared my feelings and said stay away and only go back for very specific events and keep it short. You are so helpful!
And if I had to do it all over again I’d have kept my daughter away from her! Like another city far away! But I didn’t have help from my husband then and I felt like I would be mean to her!
My dad died 5 years ago, then all bets were off. I was fair game for even more intense scapegoating. He had been my only protector. My mother suddenly proclaimed that she was going to "fix this family". She met with each one of us individually, supposedly to determine our issues, and bring us to a kumbya moment. She lied. It was all a ruse. I poured my heart out to her. I could barely speak from my pent up anquish. I lost my voice. I cried. She sat like a stone with no reaction. Then she shared everything I said with the other siblings. This confirmed once again that I can't control my emotions, I'm the problem, and I'm crazy. That was my last attempt at trusting her with my heart. I walked away, forever, a month later.
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you. I will definitely watch it. Clarification: In a previous comment, I said my Dad died when I was 10. That is true. He was my biological father. My step-father died 5 years ago. For 45 years he was my dad. He was the kindest man I've ever known. We were very close. His death was the impetus for the more intense scapegoating that I referenced.
I enjoyed this video...I always wondered why my mom stayed around and listened to her narcissistic mom's devaluation of her. Mom put up with the insults her mom dished out at her. Unbeknownst to my mom, her mom changed the will. The will said in part " to my daughter ( my mom ), I leave nothing". Everything went to the favorite cousin my mother always said I reminded her of. I think my mom resents me because the cousin was favored by her mean- spirited mother. Our grandma often told us disparaging things about our mom. Our grandma was verbally abusive to some of my siblings. She favored me . I enjoyed this video
Thank You...I feel sad my mom went through that. But I know she chose to take it out on me instead of getting the help she needed. I felt bad for my siblings while my grandma verbally abused them, but favored me like she favored the cousin my mom didn't like. Thank You for your amazing videos😁
Can you do a video talking about how the narcissistic family/parent tries and does turn the Scapegoat’s own child against them? My narcissistic mother took advantage of my divorce and befriended my ex husband behind my back. Then 6 months after my father’s death in 2015 my narcissistic mother conspired with my ex to convince my 15 yr old daughter to go live with him. Then my narcissistic mother managed to brainwash my daughter into thinking that I was in fact the problem and that my mother was the victim and now my daughter will not see me or talk to me since 2019 when she turned 18 but she still talks and sees my narcissistic mother and family.
I am in a similar situation, and because of it, my daughter and I have been estranged for almost 6 years. Yes, our relationship was strained to begin with, and undoubtedly, she would describe me as a toxic parent. I think their influence, however, further bolstered that opinion of me. She is extremely enmeshed with my brother's family and is taking on "their stuff", and as a result, has taken their side. His wife had very codependent relationships with her daughters, so this makes total sense. The bottom line is this: They want what they want. I repeat: They want what they want. When my Dad was alive, he would bypass me and try to get my husband to agree (behind my back) to let him see her. Smearing me to the family, when he was angry because I went "no contact"? No problem. Even if it contributed to destroying my relationship with my daughter. They HAD to get me out of the picture to get what they wanted, which was her, Before I watched this video, I once remarked to my husband that my family was very "warlike". Some families "eat their own".
Hello Rebecca thank you for your videos. I have looked everywhere but cannot find your academic credentials. I understand you are a licenced therapist but I would be interested to know what degrees you hold and at which universities you studied.
Please visit my website at scapegoatrecovery.com. I am a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist and Certified Complex Trauma Treatment Professional (trained by Dr. Janina Fisher) and a UA-cam Health Partner. Look under the video for this reference. My degrees/licensure are also featured in the bottom left screen of every video.
Ever since I watched your first video, I realize I was the scapegoat (my narc brother said he was which is why I looked the term scapegoat up. identify 💯
Just saw the rest of the video. Two things: 1) I went "no contact" with my family because my daughter wasn't to be left alone with them, especially after they had her for a year during the CPS case. However, I still got a share of my father's inheritance. I recently signed off for distribution of funds and they are mysteriously taking their time. I had to fire my lawyer. Time to get a new one!!! ASAP! Thank you! 2) You can't keep them away from your family forever! I was a good parent in many ways, but not perfect. Due, in part, to generational trauma, I had problems raising my daughter, I told my partner (now my husband) when she was around 10 years old, that one day she would turn on us. She turned on us. I kept my family away from her as long as I could (including my father), but once she graduated from high school, they came for her and she went. Things were rocky between us, and she moved out shortly after graduation,. They took advantage of the situation, because once you are the IP (identified patient) you stay in that role. They finally got what they wanted.
I didn't find out until long after the funeral that my mother had died. I am the youngest of 8. It was always all them, against me. I disengaged from all of them, except one, decades ago.
Pretty sure my sister shorted me out of some of the (small) inheritance after my father died. I went to the court house to get the paper work for my father's death and the numbers didn't add up.
I experienced a form of financial manipulation by my Mother towards my eldest adult daughter. I just happened to come across a letter accidentally where she sent her $2000.00 dollars and said she felt like she should help me as well but my youngest brother told her she shouldn't do so because it would enable me. Then she sent her another $2000.00. This happens to be the adult child that is closest to me in my family after going through a very nasty divorce. She didn't send my other 3 adult children anything which I found very odd. You would think she would have sent $1000.00 to each instead of playing favorites. She was also in communication with my ex-wife but was having no contact with me at the time which finally set me off. I decided to write a lengthy email about all my concerns with regards to the way I had been treated over the years and she accused me of being abusive which I was not. Having to face the truth about her neglect towards me was more than she could handle is my guess. That was the final straw for me and the point at which I went 'No Contact' and I have not spoken to any of my immediate family in over 3 years. It's all very disturbing and, I have to say, I'm glad I finally eliminated them all from my life. I honestly don't think you can get more covert than that. I have no doubt that I have been written out of any Will that has been drawn up at this point and quite frankly I don't care.
Thank you. Informative. Helpful . I won't spend a lot of time on my past situation. This video topic so relatable. My point here, is : when a name was put on the role given and the projections made, SCAPE GOAT under the umbrella of NPD families and dysfunctional, all parts played by those in it and of it and escaping it - make sense . Counsellors Ive visited in Australia do a good job validating how a client handles things. They are adept at bringing new things out of the story. But correctly assessed by trained Family scapegoat abuse therapists - Rebecca Mandaville far away in the USA - they dont know enough. If you dont know the illness you cant effectively treat it. Im very fortunate as my main problem is figuring out what video to learn from first, then sequencially. I dislike following people. Dispite at times being hypocritical, I have cast off my Victim Hood, and look forward to buying the book Rejected Shamed and blamed. Liberating stuff words - when nailing the issue. I will bow out and continue watching the video here, and learn some more. All warmest best for Rest Period and peace.
Dear Rebecca C. Mandeville, I heard a trauma informed therapist say that no one can say someone is malignant narcissistic other than a diagnosing psychologist. This therapist said that someone cannot say they were scapegoated in childhood by malignant narcissist family parents siblings grandparents. They say that only a professional psychologist can say if someone has malignant narcissism, not the adult who experienced it. Please tell me your opinion on this. I'd be grateful.
Hi Elizabeth; I understand the point this therapist is making, as technically, only licensed clinicians can diagnose conditions found in the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual here in the U.S.). However, only NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is offered in the DSM as a primary diagnosis for Narcissism. Therefore, one must learn the signs of Malignant Narcissism (which can be extremely covert, silent, subtle, and insidious), such as outlined in this article I am linking you to at the end of this comment (be sure to read the section 'Diagnosing a Malignant Narcissist'). If one feels that they are being subjected to the behaviors associated with malignant narcissism, then one can hopefully act on this information to protect themselves from further harm and maltreatment accordingly, regardless of whether or not this person has technically been diagnosed as a 'malignant narcissist' - which is unlikely to happen as such people rarely enter therapy or submit to this type of clinical testing. Hope this helps! www.verywellmind.com/how-to-recognize-a-malignant-narcissist-4164528
Concerning going live: I'm not a big fan of livestreams. They remind me of advice columnists who can't really give their best answer, because the person writing in is not available to answer any questions that the columnist may have in order to understand the problem more fully. I see that in many livestream sessions on you tube, the questions actually serve as a springboard for a topic of discussion that the content creator may wish to address. So, in that case, it may be useful. But as a general rule, no, I don't think that they are that good.. Thank you for asking for our input!
My son @ 5 yo “ Mum’s just a bit bad”….. My son @ 17 left his family birthday dinner that I didn’t attend after the topic turned to gas lighting they were gas lighting the term gas lighting - trying to say I’d invented it & no one had ever heard of it !
I'm at just 2:41 and had to stop! You don't have to be sophisticated at all! My brother is very unreasonable and a bully. Very low emotional IQ. Just add two more equally toxic people to the mix, however, and the narcissist has managed to get a group of people together to turn the system against you (my sister is sophisticated, she's a Machiavellian). In my case, it was the guardian ad litem in a CPS case concerning my own child - which they lost, by the way, over 25 years ago. I have to confess that I was not in a good place at that time, and I am a completely different person, now. But fast forward 25 years later, and he managed to do it again. This time, it concerned my Dad's personal belongings after he died, not long ago. The lawyer for the estate told me that if my brother was in charge, he would make sure that I got nothing. Well, I got nothing. He still managed to influence the outcome, thumping his chest, huffing and puffing, in true (insert the name of your favorite bully, here) fashion, with the help of my sister, again. Thankfully, though, my father made sure that all four of us got an equal share of the inheritance.
I was thinking of the case study I later shared, and I do agree with you. There are many ways that one can influence a system: Bullying, influence, force, pressure, bribing, threatening, etc, etc and being a sophisticated narcissist is not always required to be successful.
Answer # 1 - WOW-too close for comfort. My sister narcissist, golden child. My children never wanted to be around her. They had her figured out before I did. We all cut her out. I move to FL 4 years ago to be near my aging father. I’ve become very ill from living in toxic mold. My adult children drank the kool-Aide back in NY. My health is so bad right now that all I can think about is getting out of moldy Florida, and getting treatment. I have absolutely no support. No-one I can call. No-one calls me. My heart is broken, but…. My health is SO IMPORTANT, right now It has to be my first battle.
So sorry to hear this, Lenore. I have close friends who struggle with mold toxicity. I hope you can relocate soon and will hold a good thought for you. Not having family support is part of the ongoing tragedy of FSA.
I discuss this in several of my videos; also on my blog at scapegoatrecovery.com/blog - as well as my book (to some degree), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
Yes. My narc husband partnered up with our youngest daughter against me for years. She hates me to this day… I had become quite close to our elder daughter who went on to marry a narcissist and now he has turned her against me. So at family gatherings I can feel the contempt of them all arrayed against me. The pain has been utterly crushing. I could not love or have loved my daughters and grandkids more… haven’t seen my youngest daughter or her kids all summer and she lives just a short ways from here… trusting God to heal my broken heart
Imagine my surprise when I watched this video, only moments after speaking to my 14 yr old son, whose been taken psychologically hostage for what I'm now learning has been for all of his life. talk about intergenerational trauma going "LIVE". And the second half of your video?! ..well, I just wonder who should play the role of my golden child sister, in the lifetime channel movie titled "Not without my Trust fund"?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thanks, but I can't take full credit. I doctored up the title of an old movie I remembered that's chalk full of high stakes drama! ua-cam.com/video/0TSmbayUJCo/v-deo.html
My malignant narcissistic mother turned my oldest (adult) daughter against me by making her a secondary "golden child" (my brother being the primary). She did this when my daughter was struggling in college, my mother was a college drop out & rewarded my daughter to do the same. My daughter was terrified of my mother when she was little. But when my mother inherited a lot of wealth, she started "buying" my daughter. It's been 15 years since I have heard from my daughter. She turned 36 April 1st. In the past 15 years my mother has bought my daughter 2 homes, cars, her wedding (which I wasn't invited to), vacations... I know I will never hear from my daughter until my mother dies.She saw all the abuse I endured & knows if she contacts me she will suffer my same fate.
Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/ - You might join Rhonda's private Facebook (women only) group that is included on this list. There are several women there that had their children turned against them by their (scapegoating) parents and Rhonda just made a video about this as well, which she posted in the group.
I'm so sorry this has happened. My son & I are estranged from each other, my only child... I suspect my narc siblings have had something to do with it as they are that cunning & vengeful & had contact with him without even letting me know when our mum was dying. I understand your pain. Healing hugs to you.❤ Stay strong for when she returns...
Rebecca you keep blowing my mind. My eldest is 23, it's a long story bit I will confirm that this happens 💯percent. The second I tried to take control back she turned my siblings on me.
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I'm so 🙏 for your work Rebecca. As painful as it's all been. There is FINALLY some positive changes. I got my daughter home first. This week, my middle of the younger 3 that were removed from social work has been messaging unsupervised all week, and the older one was coming round to it too. There's always hope. Thank you again. 😊 I am struggling slightly with how to communicate as its been under a supervision order for a decade. Which is silly as they now looking at me to take him back home as he's at an age to be heard. 15 this month. Same age when my daughter made moves to return. But we will get there I'm sure. Much love ❤️ light to you
My mom just died and both my sisters Gave me 30 minutes to see my mother but I was 4 hours away..And I was taking out of the will..My dad had his home sold with the help of my sister and brother in law ..And had him move into their home and my sister is over my dads finances
I'm very sorry to hear this. I can't count the times I have heard such stories. One of the many injustices associated with FSA, as discussed in my video here: ua-cam.com/video/mKxelQqKQN4/v-deo.html
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you. YES I have watched alot of your videos and you explain it for others who haven't gone through it to understand. I've been in counseling since I was in my late 20's.. When I tell people about my experiences child and adult...some look at me and some cry and wonder how I still smile...
Rebecca, I'm extremely excited to hear this. I'm survivor of scapegoat abuse and a narcissistic Mother. I recently graduated as a therapist but I truly love these teachings and would love a class. I live Scotland, was estranged from my family for year's, my children were removed from my care due to her lies and manipulation, I ended up in the depths of addiction, but now I want to move forward and help other's through my life experiences and would love to have your teachings help. Due to the identification I'm getting from your videos. Forever Grateful for bringing this to attention 🙏 ❤
Congratulations on graduating and your new career as a therapist - Happy to have you here! I hope to offer an FSA recovery coaching certificate one day - Do subscribe to my newsletter so you get my announcement on this when the program is ready. scapegoatrecovery.com (see the menu to subscribe).
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse what a lovely surprise to hear from you. My bigger plan is find funding and open farming projects to keep families together in recovery 🙏 ❤️ providing healing shelter and job's with room to create whatever, your teaching is 💯 perfect for the project 👌 I'll sign up to the newsletter, and thank you, I must get your book. Truly grateful, Deb. 💜
Yes, i have risked a large inheritance. She/they changed it about 7 yrs ago to try to break up my brother from his wife, putting him into trust where he had to ask his daughter and me for any funds, then changed it back when i said NO to hosting Christmas. She/they gave power of atourney tome and my brother's daughter (golden grandchild, and her sister was rejected when a baby as 'rotten kid'). Then put it back to even split, so i might have a chance of fighting it if they HAVE changed it again now with my 'extremely limited contact', due to them changing it too often when they are old but, somehow, with a word from God to buy this house in the last week of no deposit loans in Australia (which i didn't know) we now own this house at 60yo and would survive without the inheritance. How cool is that. It still would be nice to have it and i think the angels will wrangle it and i won't have to do anything.
I wish child alienation got it's own video and wasn't overshadowed by the inheritance part because there really isn't anything worse than having your child and ex join in with your life long bullies. The inheritance means nothing to me.
This is a good time to drop this video. My mental health deteriorated exponentially in my last relationship. He was unbelievably cruel to us, never in text he was too smart for that, but he would slip every now and then. Mostly he would abuse my daughter and I in person, telling us how worthless and ungrateful we are, he would scream at my daughter he needs to leave me, I’m lazy, worthless, etc. there was zero intimacy in the relationship, we slept in different rooms for 9 years, he would beat the animals or threaten to kill them while we were holding them, it was a living hell. He even coerced me into sending drugs through the mail to him in Iraq. It took months, but I eventually caved. I lost my mind at the very end and took a guitar to his drywall. I couldn’t even get up to clean except to take my child to school or home. She was the only functioning part of my life. My dad came up to his home on behest of my ex, I asked him to leave but he forced his way in and physically assaulted and choked me. After he finally left he said he was taking my daughter. He picked her up from school and told her I was crazy, I need to be thrown into a mental institution, there was something wrong with me, etc. my mother told her she would always have a home, they are going to raise her, etc. the catch? I had a six figure job waiting for me in Afghanistan and she kept saying “your daughter needs her mother.” My ex didn’t want to help watch her, we were completely trapped and under his control, but when I had the opportunity to provide a beautiful life for us my mother wanted no part in it. She tried to turn my daughter against me with the rest of the family, and the sheer torment she was going through because of my breakdown and the breakup, the defamation, my mother would say to her “this is so hard for me.” Nobody even asked if she was okay. They are monsters. She told me how worthless and pathetic I was to even allow a man to do this to me. I have to go back through basic training and they said of course we will watch her! I don’t know if I should. Maybe we should just ride out her high school years and enlist together when she’s old enough. They will never turn her against me, but I know they will abuse her to no end. I’m not sure what to do. It’s been 6 months since all of this happened, we are stable in an apartment, I’m working and going to school. I have incredibly hard days but we are together and doing well. I don’t know if I should leave her for about 6 months to retrain.
Shadow- be very, very careful. Thing is… I think you do know… give yourself space to connect with your instinct. You know the truth, the safest way, the strongest way… it may be the way of most sacrifice on one level but an absolute no brainier on another, it’s a cost analysis- at what price- what is worth what in this equation. Your highest power, that is ultimately your core is there to guide you, years of abuse separates you from that space, but it hasn’t gone away.
@mellicrann has given you some very wise suggestions. With my clients, it helps when I invite them to consider what would serve them (and those they care about / wish to protect) at the HIGHEST level when they find themselves in what seems like an impossible (double-bind) situation.
My children never met my mother- she died at 94 a few weeks ago, sharp to the end. My father died before they were born. I never blacklisted her, she was never barred from my home- less than two hours drive from her’s. On the other hand I had an open door for all my siblings and was very supportive to all… it didn’t go both ways…. the worst of all, is my siblings have been abusing me for years…. I didn’t recognise a lot of it. My mother was so extreme. Fortunately I figured it out myself. It’s the worst part. I would have let all the will go, I was going to say fxxk it about any possible will. But as I hear you speak, I’m thinking of my responses to abuse as in- let it go, 100%. I’m now thinking, I may make enquiries, I’ve no expectations, however I can see there’s a difference between enquiring and making a detached decision Vs no questions and thinking this is “ higher moral ground” From how you speak about this client, it is very clear that you are up to date in theoretical information, tuned in and interested. I wonder how that gets passed on.. Thank you for your work here.
You're very welcome. I've been working in the Family Systems field for over 20 years, specializing in child psycho-emotional abuse, including family scapegoating. If you haven't yet read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', which is based on my client experience, personal experience, and my original research findings, you might want to. That's part of how I am passing it on, along with my videos here, social media, etc.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseRebecca, I’m gearing myself up to the book, I discovered your work shortly after you put it up on youtube. This is what I need. I’m still going to a therapy, I even asked this woman can I buy her also a copy of your book. It’s the skills and strategies that you talk about that is so helpful. I know you’re working with educating therapists. I think also there’s a big piece needed about therapy supervision- and how to really get bevy and into stuff there. I have 2 close friends, both with lots of clinical education, one highly educated and received training by the top people in trauma/ developmental therapy. They know my story, past and present +++. I did not attend my mother’s funeral- it was because of ongoing sibling shunning- I always believed I’d attend to support all in our forward move etc… I felt good that I could stand back a bit and name the FSA and refer them to you and your channel and cite your very professional background. I was in a whole new space here, feeling I’m giving information and detaching from having to tell what it’s like, what is really going on. Yet, it came back about me, are you going full no contact… never read the comments… I did ask…. They’d have all the training about following the narratives etc. Later in more ways, it was put back onto me, questions asked like uneducated members of the public- in a gentle tone, stupid questions….I know totally I’m not imagining any of this. It’s shocking to be honest. Your work is so important
It's not just leaving them alone with the kids, they'll put you down or undermine you even with you being there. I wish i had of kept my kids away from my Mum like my sister in law did for about 10 years from toddler to 12 or so. I am 60 now and only a couple of years ago realised what was going on. Trauma bond i think. people pleased. learnt to say NO at 57. Even my boss about 15 years ago said i needed to learn to stand up for myself. My friend who stayed with us pointed out mixed signals etc and said my parents were making me insecure. Another friend 20 years ago told me to keep away from my Mum as she would destroy me, after seeing her during one visit where i had been strangled and she said, 'i don't need this shit' when i went to tell her it wasn't my fault and how it happened. Also hanging with Christians who taught me that i'm not who she said i am. I am quite well educated and was a coordinator of disability services (with a degree that i got while raising kids on my own) and now a musician but , as Rebecca said in another video, that would never be enough. I ditched her after the flack when i said NO to throwing the Chistmas party here. It has been awful. My husband of 17 years is not much better but financially secure as we bought a house in Australia where rents are soaring. I can't wait to be free and at peace.
Thank you for aiding me in my quest to dispel the persistent myth that scapegoating family members *only* talk badly about the FSA target when nobody else is around (i.e., that the abusive behaviors only happen "in secret," or "in private"). You are correct: It will often happen with you present in the room, in front of not only other family members (including your children), but also friends - or strangers, for that matter.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yes, though the super cruel stuff tends to be in private. things like telling me when i was 58 'if i (as in me) had a child it would be dead in a year' when my toddler died on her land in about 1986. We were there and my ex was watching him. I went to check on him but she yelled at me to come back and fold this dress pattern and i was too trauma bonded i guess , to do what i wanted. Or telling my hubby he 'is her only child' or 'he is her favourite child', when my brother and father were out in the garden and i was inside cooking, doing up her shoes etc'. I have also heard her being cruel to SIL when we were young when no one else could hear but i was just around the corner and entering the room. But she put her down in front of her kids and gossiped badly about her to the whole family. I used to say 'you can be glad she's not on speed or something' as it was all just normal human stuff or made up. i could go on for hours/days/years. but you get the picture.
thanks you all so much for these videos. CAn't even get into a psych here (Australia) . 18mths wait and when i did get one i got very few appointments because i am not suicidal or such. And the chances of getting one who understands this stuff might not be too good.
You're welcome, Sheree. I hope you also will consider reading my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. Amazon Australia has it, although for some reason they keep jacking up the price on the paperback. Kindle much more affordable.
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
I think scapegoating family system is more like everything related to a war: the battles, the ruins, the picking up the pieces, the hope for rebuilding. Some days, I feel like a surviving soldier with a mangled body.
Agreed. If you haven't checked out my Affirmation videos here on my channel, you may find them helpful.
Yes I agree it's a war that many ppl don't see but the energy can be crippling 😣 visual wounds get treatment but the effects of FSA go deep into the core of our psyche & only ppl whom have been through this can see into the window of this darkness 😨 it's a long battle my friend & well worth the fight to gain knowledge plus self respect 😊
“I’m a soldier who’s returning half her weight…” - Taylor Swift, All Too Well, 10 Minute Version 🫶
Perfect analogy
That was another huge wake-up call for me when my toxic sisters began turning their young adult children (my nieces and nephews) against me. Thanks for this topic.
You're welcome. It is "ugly" business, indeed.
I completely understand! And I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I experienced the same thing. Very painful and cruel.
Same! 🖐️😳 I feel like I have the secret service keeping an eye on me at family gatherings. I bend down to speak to a grand niece or nephew and I'm surrounded by folks monitoring my conversation! I brought a book I read when I was eight and adored, I found myself explaining the plot and why I loved it, practically begging for their approval!!! I'm more angry with myself for lacking the self-respect. 🤬
Sharon Thomson You’re ok. Easily done. It’s that edginess that brings you back, just remember you know how to enjoy a book. 20+ years ago, a film with Anthony Hopkins, I can’t remember the name, he was an English lecturer, writer and very religious. He married an American woman, “later in life”, based on a true story, maybe 1950’s. In one scene he’s on a train and speaking with a young man from a coal mining district, whose father was a village teacher. The young man said, his father told him “ We read to know we are not alone”. ❤. Also seeing as you do like children’s fiction- there’s Roal Dahl and The Twits 😨😳
Hello Rebecca, thank you for posting this video. I'm the scapegoat in my family of origin. My son recently informed me of this information, when he's was younger my brother, brother in-law, & nephews used to ganged up on him and bullied him on a continuous basis! At the time I was just dating a new man who is now my husband. He witnessed the others being nasty and mean to my son. He'd pull me to the side and told me about what happened! By the time I'm there the extended family members acted normal and I was not able to confront them!!! What hurts the most was that they're abusing my child like they did to me and I didn't even know it! These evil malice acts were done behind my back. And by the time I found out it's years later and a bit too late!
I asked my son why didn't you tell me about these abuse while it was happening to you. He replied that he just didn't know or had the vocabulary to described what happened. Thank you for bringing this subject to light Rebecca. I'll never leave my children alone with the perpetrators again! BTW, I went no contract with my family of origin, the entire bloodline, and mutual friends. And it's liberating. Sending healing energy, love, and many blessings to everyone in this community. 💛🫶🌟
Good to see you here, Cyndi. Thank you for sharing such a painful 'real life' example of what I hoped to convey via this brief video. I am sure it will help others to hear your story.
You're welcome Rebecca! You're an Earth Angel and I appreciate you greatly... I'm happy to share, even if my story helps one person, it'd make me supper happy. No one should ever have to endure this kind of insidious abuse! Your video conveyed a denser version of what happened to me (& most pple here). Thanks again for your support & reply dear Angel. 💛🫶🌟
I lived this too with my oldest son. My current husband recognized it immediately the very first time he was with my family and my son was present.
This last story sounds exactly like my situation. In fact, I saw it happen right under my nose -Siblings, changing the trust, estate to benefit them, and lying to/ostracizing me. As I had managed all my mother’s personal and financial affairs for years prior, and after dad passing, she had given me permission to access her email. She forgot to change it after siblings hired a very aggressive lawyer to come after me, and everyone went silent. I was floored. I had a front row seat to deception, betrayals, smearing, etc.. I saved all the emails knowing this could be an undue influence case. The problem is, after a lifetime of trauma, I just want nothing to do with them. I just want healing. so it’s hard to know what to do. It seems wrong to let them get away with this, but I am needing to make this decision very soon. There are other complicated financial issues besides this one. And of course they have smeared me to my entire family. Not one person has remained loyal to me or come forward. I am very much alone in this with no allies. Excellent topic. Thank you so much for being the first to cover it so well.
So very sorry to hear this. In the past, I've had clients feel it is important that the deceased have their wishes honored in regard to their estate. The gross injustice of a will / trust not being fully honored gives them energy and strength and spurs them on. But it must be an individual choice. In the end, I suggest to my clients that they do what serves them at the HIGHEST level - including their nervous system.
Feeling you. Ditto. 80year old parents who to all onlookers are pillars of society...what to do? The best thing about having nothing left to lose is that you have everything to gain. The skills we had to develop to get through this maelstrom will be the very same skills that get us through the future & I say bring it on with love & gratitude xxxx thank you Rebecca for your dedication to your life purpose xxxx
Let me tell you from experience the money isn’t worth it. There is no amount of money you could win that would be worth the time you’ll spend with the depositions and lies and accusations and being slandered. I knew this would happen in my family and the very minute, the day my father died, I severed ties, knowing what would happen. None of the pieces fit for years my sister would say things to me that made no sense at the time. She would always talk about money, and she would always say things like “if you contest the will you get nothing, but you’re not getting anything anyway. I tried to go to bat for you but you get nothing“ I got along with my dad at this time and loved him so I didn’t ask him if it was true because can you imagine how sad he’d feel at a question about money after he dies. I think back and realize she was setting me up thinking I’d ask him which then would make me look like the money hungry daughter she always said I was even though she was the pothead mooch. I was thinking to myself why are you even talking about money because I love my father I didn’t care about his money. I worked hard and had my own so I never understood why that’s all she talked about and why she’d say such horrible things. I was so stupid and naïve back then. What I learned later too late was she was turning my dad and other family members against me (she had been doing that behind my back all my life) to destroy our relationship because she fell on hard times and had to move onto his property. I didn’t even know what was happening behind my back but I was always being accused of things that weren’t true and defending myself and crying and begging to be heard and begging to be believed. The stress took such a toll on my health and body horrible absolutely horrible because what is happening to you you don’t even know it’s happening and won’t until long after you’re out of it and I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. I didn’t care I didn’t want anything. I just wanted to be free from that hate and the lies and the triangulation and the horrible accusations and the constant invalidation. Being a scapegoat is a horrible way to live and exist in a group of people that you love and thought, loved you only to realize they have hated you. The scapegoat is the one who is diligent and a hard worker so walk away make your own life and leave them to their vile money tainted by pure evil. Seriously if you can throw your hands up and walk away your health will thank you.
I am 30, my parents are in their mid-70s. After a lifetime of abuse, I said no more. They require help that I would have given them but I realized they would never love or respect me so I wrote them my last farewells. We haven’t spoken for months since.
They are elderly and sickly but I decided my future kids wouldn’t see me be disrespected or abused by my parents😂. I have preemptively forfeited any inheritance, baby photos, heirlooms, and memories. I just couldn’t take the impact of being a scapegoat on me, my marriage, my work, and life in general anymore. It was like my growth was paralyzed being in their presence. Thank you for posting this content, it is so relevant and important.
You're welcome. My next 'mission' is to research on, and clearly define, what I have named 'family scapegoat trauma' (FST). It is a unique form of trauma that currently goes unrecognized and survivors deserve to have their struggles and their suffering validated.
It takes so much courage - I applaud your strength.
I applaud your strength and wish you peace!
I was told by my sociopathic father that if I told the social services the real narrative of my abusive family that I would be cut out of the family inheritance & I told him that I could not be part of his twisted way to buy people into silence. I don't know which of his many threats were the worse ? The one that hurt the most was him & my sister saying that I had dreamt it all up for attention. I am happy now without the inheritance with my soul in full view of all the people who stood by & watched while my character was smashed to pieces. I would rather be poor from the dark money & rich with the love of God who knows I was telling the truth 😊 The truth has set me free from their narrative; I am now very confident in my own reality of family systems, thanks to you Rebecca 💜
Wonderful to hear, Nicola - you provide a powerful example of the point I hoped to make in this video - Thank you.
Your father and sister's comment that you "dreamt it all up" struck a similar nerve. My gc sister was fond of saying "that (insert memory of abuse) NEVER HAPPENED! You must have DREAMED THAT!" Gaslighting at it's finest. She certainly took a double dose of Kool aid AND sold her soul to the devil. But the mask DOES slip, and as they all age, it seems to get harder and harder for them to maintain the facade.
Nicola Byrne - well done you- mighty woman 💪. That is a very powerful image- your soul in full view. Courage and integrity, healing ❤️🩹 💚I told everyone from a very young age, it’s my adult years that have suffered from this style, most especially from “the professionals”, that part I find kind of fascinating
Hooray. Hugs❤
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Any professional that studied group dynamics (i. e) Maslow or Yalom & family systems theory; Bowen; would know that dysfunctional groups need a Scapegoat & a Golden Child; the Scapegoat takes all the stress of the family problems & is holding the toxicity of the projections while the Golden Child/ren gets the praise for the purpose of external spectators; both are needed by the parents so that they don't have to take responsibility of their behaviour. Some professionals have their own agenda & miss this important part & don't even do a geogram. Our services are outdated & disappointing 😲
Yep. My family’s favorite game is to cozy up to Ex spouses during and after a divorce. The one silver lining to my dad passing away will be I will never have to deal with any of my siblings ever again.
I have an article about this on my blog if you search for it, 'When your family sides with your ex': scapegoatrecovery.com/blog
Severed all ties years ago. Evil is the only way to describe their shenanigans. What’s so strange is they smear, lie, triangulate and ignore you and then when you walk away they send random communications until blocking is the only way to get the slime off yourself. These people are intentionally malignant and act with intent and purpose. Scapegoating should be a criminal offense.
Scapegoating needs to be clearly recognized as abuse - and much more research needs to be done so that the issue is taken seriously - because for the majority of society, it isn't.
My narcissistic golden child sister turned my niece and nephew against me. My mother turned my son against me. I'm sure my G.C. sister has told my mom to leave me nothing. I don't even care. I've been alone with little help all my life and survived.
I know many FSA adult survivors who feel this way. They simply don't want to deal with the stress, their nervous system can't handle it.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I'm relived I'm not the only one. In a way, it feels like I'm healing - to stop caring about not being cared about. Does that make sense? Or am I lost?
@@raven4090 Perhaps you are now more focused on caring for yourself...(and possibly traumatized 'parts'?)
@@raven4090 was going to post a reply to you about the relief of knowing I’m not the only one! There seems to be plenty of solid “normal”people here…. I’ve done so much introspection, dissection- what is it about me etc, I imagine that many of us have. Take care.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I hadn't thought of that. Thank you 🙏🏻🌷
As a private caregiver, I usually see the scapegoats being left out of the parents’ Will - and it’s devastating for them. Two of the worst cases I’ve seen were: A woman who was battling brain cancer whose father (a wealthy doctor) died; whereby her nephew and his girlfriend were the beneficiaries of his estate.
Another case was of a scapegoat who moved from another country back to the US to live with his sick parents and took care of them until they both died (his father was a wealthy attorney); and not a penny was left to the scapegoat. The 2 GC sons received everything. The major GC (whom I did like) called me not too long afterward to tell me that he was going to quit his full-time job and would never have to work another day in his life. He was only 52 years old.
Yes, this deserves a dedicated video: The SG being left out of the will / trust altogether!
Rebecca, my mother has money - and I’ve been estranged from her for 10 years. It took a while to come to this conclusion, but I’ve decided that I will not fight for my share of the estate if she leaves me nothing. A few years ago, A Christian man helped me to understand that all the money she has belongs to her - so technically, I’m not entitled to any of it. But if she leaves me something..... great. And if she doesn’t.... I don’t care, since I don’t need her money to survive. Not every scapegoat will come to this conclusion; but I have, and I’m content with it.
@@elizabethd.2398 This is perfectly reasonable. I also point out to my clients that money is also energy. Is this energy life-enhancing? Is it worth the price one might pay by going after it? With that said, wills/trusts, etc should be respected and when this is not happening, seeking out legal assistance is advisable.
This is heartbreaking. I have no desire to have ANYTHING from that person who gave birth to me. There were some things over the years, a cheap doll that was hers growing up, the family bible at one time, but my baby sister and I were talking & she mentioned first while we were talking that she'd like to have it, and I said "you know what, that's cool, you take it" 👍 I didn't pine or anything. No jewelry, no money, nothing gives me any sentimental feelings at this point. My sibs can swoop in like a bunch of vultures, I could care less. It was always about her. Anything I DID treasure got thrown in the trash, so...
Rebecca, @beyondfamilyscpegoating, There seems to be a recurring case where scapegoats who care for elderly parents are treated to a will write out. I’m due nothing!!! And the only person in my family in actual need of some assistance due to the serious space I’m in with my kids and an ex…who is very devious and nothing legally sorted after years. I never played ball with the money narrative, the threats you will get nothing in my will. I was super independent by necessity. I experienced deliberate neglect in my family of origin. I didn’t see the financial red flags in my super sneaky, nice shy guy- ex and also with the law, it can be used against a reasonable person when divorcing or legally separating from a sneaky abuser.. Having said all that, the material and social comforts my siblings enjoy and how they sleep well at night is a mystery., a head f&&k that I’m no longer trying to figure out, because all my trying to just brought it back to why, what is it about me? etc…. The old bible is not always the best route to take! Do onto others etc… that was my compass… now I probably need to ask are others doing onto me as they would like done to them? There’s more balance in this. They are carrying on the legacy. I’m so sick to my back teeth of therapists who refuse to see the bigger picture and are lazy about what they do, a gravy train for some… keep coming back etc… and zero psycho education provided and then hiding behind some old basics they can pull out from their training days. I have been left in a very vulnerable position by this, going to therapy is about getting help to join the dots in your life. Babette Rothschild, a woman of integrity and ability, repeatedly says the only goal of trauma therapy should be to help the client improve their quality of life. The absolute worst part of everything in my life has been the outcome for my kids on a number of levels. I have been such a warrior, like the poster girl for resilience. And yet this is where it’s at now. I could have saved years and a huge amount of mental, emotional, physical, financial and spiritual resources had I had a therapist who did not put everything onto me with the vague statement…. Boundaries… that was the best she ever came up with over a four year period.
I am so angry about the unnecessary suffering I went through and harm. She is no longer practicing and if she were I would follow up, as in conscience I could not withhold my information and awareness. Despite so many messes and challenges in my life, I have a level of inner peace that is sustaining and helps me with my kids.
The thing is how do you break this cycle.
If you cannot afford an estate attorney, you can investigate whether your state has free or reduced cost services, such as Legal Aid. However, these attorneys have the right to accept or reject prospective cases based on the information available. If a sibling is in the role of the executor/administrator, you may be able to initiate contact and offer to help with the estate administration in order to be in the loop and get your share. However, do not be surprised to find that some aspect of your inheritance is denied to you through delays, stonewalling or failure to communicate/cooperate by the sibling in charge.
Thank you, Wendy, I appreciate your adding this important information.
Don't even need siblings or other family members to have your inheritance stolen. My toxic parent made sure my inheritance went to manipulative grifters who are total strangers.
Good point. Belongs in my 'Bizarre Realities' series (!)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseI've got some bizarre realities in my family that no one would ever believe!
@@cloudwalker8266 I would. Trust me. And not just for 'professional' reasons.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseThank you. ❤ I'm sure you've heard a great many horrible stories.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusethe church gets money this way!!
This is really astounding, it's exactly what has happened to me. My brother suggested to my parents that the older brother in the family which was him should get a double portion. This was the one who rushed to get married before me because he knew I was getting married but said that the oldest son should be getting married before the younger daughter. He has been in competition with me for as long as I can remember. He is the one who gossiped to everyone against me without having information about me.
Oh! The video ended abruptly and I was on the edge of my seat! My family is cooking up a scenario where I am declared incompetent and will be given an allowance from a trust. All of this because I dated a girl who successfully recovered from an addiction 15 years ago. I've more or less given up and I wanted to hear more about that story and how it turned out. Thank you for your videos, you're the best!
I always encourage people in your position to consult with an Estate Attorney, as mentioned in the video. Hope you got the Legal Aid information I included at the end after the abrupt cut-off (duty called...!) I'll say more about all of this in a later video, rest assured.
"Is it really worth the price of your soul?." So glad you poised that important question a scapegoat or anyone for that matter should ask themselves. I had to come to that realization, that it is blood money and it was not worth the price of my soul. Narcissist gloat over the fact that you are loyal not because of genuine love and care but for money? They don't care as long as they have control. Both pay a price for that in my opinion one way or another. Also you could stick it out and still be written out of the will and not know it.
Very true!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Great video! Great reminder for me and knowing I'm not alone in this. Thank you!!!
Listen, if you are a scapegoat, cut ties. Don't waste your time with these savages who your only tie is blood.
They don't love you.
ties that bind...
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Indeed, it seems that way.
These ties can be severed, though.
Once a scapegoat has had enough, the game is truly over.
Scapegoats, the game is not designed for you to win.
They love seeing you try though.
There is zero redemption.
Do not waste your precious time. Break their narrative of you by exiting their story.
Be awesome in all you do and don't look back. Ever.
There will be dragons if you do.
The game is rigged, indeed.
This hits close to home.
My family was a war. My dad hated me because he had me to get out of the Vietnam war. SO I was the embodiment of what he thought was his cowardice. So basically I was supposed to get him out of the draft and then die and go away. I was no contact the last 20 years of his life. My golden child little brother got all the inheritance. A 4 br house and a giant pile of money. He doesnt work. He just sits ALONE in a 4br house and drinks. He is alcoholic and had 2 MRIs close to death. Dropped out of college. Age 51 now he is my mom’s new son husband. I am just beyond the craziness at this point.
You're a survivor 👍
You provide a powerful example of why I say the 'Golden Child' may *seem* to benefit from their supposedly exalted position in the family, but if one takes a closer look, that is not often the case. In the end, your choice to go nc may have saved you from a similar fate.
I am the scapegoat of the toxic family. The golden child was trying to take everything. All family members were in on the plan. I wasn't going to get anything. I had to get an estate attorney. I am no contact with my entire toxic family. I learned a very hard lesson, toxic family systems will destroy the scapegoat. They don't care about me and they never will.
An apt example. Yes, this really happens. Very sorry.
I've seen this in 2 families. 2 families destroyed all because of their greed. You're so right about inheritance. I knew someone who put their abusive father's relationship before his own family's importance and value. But realize, that if a person like this is putting everyone else down, other than the real abuser for money, run. That was the only thing that person could get out of their abusive parent. That was all that parent ever valued and it showed in their child. If you have a partner whose parent flaunts theur stuff to their child and teases them with it get out of that relationshop asap. They'll run all over themselves and you to get it. Money is the root of all evil with many human beings. Greed. It's real and it's very scary. Absolutely make sure all your needs are met in every relationship. Some people just do not understand what humsn relationships are. They really have no boundaries whatsoever. And they will do whatever they want. These people are really ugly inside. I don't believe that anybody like this can ever truly hide just how ugly they feel about themselves. Who needs it. Nothing is ever worth that in one's life. People can lie to themselves all day long. But anyone's lies that affect your life, make it off limits to you and the ones you really care about. Your life is not a joke. But to an emotionally damaged person, it is . Don't allow people in your life who play around with it. Take an abusers behavior very seriously. Especially an abusive parents. They're not Gods. They're just people too.
Yes. Take the abusive behavior very seriously, indeed. And learn to recognize it, which is one of the reasons I have devoted my career to raising awareness around family scapegoating abuse and attendant trauma.
Thank you for suggesting this video to me, I'm less than 5 minutes in and in tears. You see me and you don't even know me. It's beyond validating. I am so grateful to have stumbled upon your videos. What a life changer!
You are so welcome. To understand this form of abuse more, you may also want to read my introductory guide on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Many find it very eye-opening and helpful as the systemic aspects of this form of abuse are acknowledged clinically and addressed.
The key part of this VDO on inheritance is not a topic I’ve heard about elsewhere (possibly people don’t like to admit that they might be staying in the web for the money). Although I did have limited contact for a number of years (Xmas + B’days) I realized that when my brother who lives with ‘them’ communicates, he had a hidden agenda such making me out to be wealthy with a high paying job when I don’t have work and prior to that he was making out that I was an alcoholic and incapable despite the fact that I hardly drink, and before that I was supposedly dealing in drugs etc. This has been going on for 20 years. I believe my parents have already given him most of their money on the basis that he takes care of them, and I expect nothing. And will get nothing after I’m done with them even if I was in for a few scraps.
This came up surprisingly often in my original FSA research, this issue of estates and inheritances.
My narcissistic BPD mother stated after my father passed who had made a trust for my sister & I that it was really all hers and she intended to spend it all on herself. She manipulated the banker took all our CD’s with our names, and SS numbers on them.. ..she encroached in our trust being a hoarder, now there’s nothing left. She has no shame or remote. Been a nighmare cleaning out her houses😳
I hear such stories often - and often, they get away with it.
Thank you so much. My Ex tried to sue me for full custody of our 2 kids after my husband brutally attacked me. He lied to my friends and family, told them that I was trying to take the kids away from HIM. Ludicrous! He subpoenaed my 2 sisters, my mother (covert) came with no subpoena. The entire time on the stand they grilled me about my marriage (violent, undiagnosed bipolar), my stepfather (terrible relationship, toxic AF), and finally my biological father (abandoned my mother and I when i was about 4-5 years old). I thought I would be a mess, but I couldn’t believe this was their angle.
The judge knew what she was hearing, though. She was angry at the case, and the Verdict, like the GAL, was most definitely in my favor. She was prepared to hate us both, really. She yelled at opposing counsel and brought Exes gf into the court and lectured them.
All my family support my narcissistic step father…. He is coercively controlling, passive aggressive and I get the brunt of it…. My respect for all my immediate family has totally gone. I feel physical sick when in his company. I have gone No Contact with all of them. My peace and safety is far more important to me than indulging in superficial fakery. Unreal. I witness now that I am pushed back into scapegoat role when I am around them. You are spot on…. It is a battlefield….. and bloody exhausting. ❤
Very. Exhausting.
I told my father last year to cut me out of all dead leff (Jamaican talk for Will) and birtday money.
If my parents think money is the answer, then they have wasted 50 yrs of being a parent to me.
Money mean nothing when you yearn a genuine loving relationship with your family.
I gone no contact with my mother 5 yrs ago. Best decision I ever made. My mental health is a touch better. I can still improve though!
I walked out of the hospital ward she was on because I tried to greet her with a kiss and she coughed straight into my mouth, infront of my Dad and second in line sister. Im the oldest.
This was just the last straw to be honest. I had enough. I walked away calmly and waved goodbye to a lady who not long endured a stroke. Bless her she raise her affected hand to say bye to me. Made an effort to say bye to someone she dont even know. Effort.
Heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing this part of your healing journey with us.
Yes, this was done to me exactly as you described. I lost my kids and my grandkids due to this 15 years ago. I am 68.
I had no allies. I finally figured it all out a year ago and went no contact when I realized that my mother had been lying to everyone in my family about me for years every time I made her angry. She is a covert and would channel her rage at me by scapegoating me in secret.
She is 91 now with dementia and finally a year ago she slipped up enough for me to have the truth slap me in the face and wake me up to the truth about why my whole family hates me so much.
These 'wake up' calls can be devastatingly painful.
This therapist, Rebecca Mandeville, hits the nail right on the head. She is excellent with these videos and completely right on with everything she is saying. Covert mom, NPD bro, Malignant sis covertly turning everyone against me my entire life, with the family mantra being "there is something wrong with her". Loving father died. I drank and smoked, & had no idea what this whole mess was all about, but thank God, I got sober. I began pulling together an understanding of this family system when I was in my 40s, but I didn't have knowledge it was NPD and FSA until my 60s.
One of my aha moments was when I realized I was never going to get an inheritance, the siblings were hitting up the parent for money and getting it constantly, because they were loved. When my mom died I drove to her home to get the ashes of my step-father, I was taking care of the remains of both of them. My mom had little stickers on the bottom of everything in her house of value - and there was one family heirloom she had promised to me. All of the stickers were gone, except that one item - and it had a sticker on the bottom with my brother's name.
At that moment I said to myself, "Don't take any of this - let them have it if it means so much to them". Honestly, how much is a bunch of stuff like that worth? They went through her house and took, gave to their kids, or sold everything off, never paying me a penny for the funeral costs - and of course massively insulting me in front of everyone at the services and then again for good measure at the wake. I'm 67 now and I am on speaking terms with my siblings, because one lives out of state and the other is out of the country - I will say hello, give a hug, say I love you, but I don't ask them over for lunch, a movie or a holiday. It is extremeley low contact - and I'm okay with that.
AA taught me to let go. Let them go and do as they do. Get out of the line of fire. Don't expect a thing, because you're not dealing with people who give. Its important to realize who and what you're dealing with, since the most important part of dealing with a problem is coming to an understanding of what the problem IS. I've done 3 rounds of therapy, each 18 months, and then I did EMDR therapy about 5 years ago and that therapy really helped me put a lot of this to bed up in my head. I no longer have the angst I used to have over all of this bad treatment, which is now a thing of the past.
And yes, they did everything they could to turn my husband and daughter away from me, but it didn't work entirely. The husband GOT IT! He sees the whole thing now, although we did struggle earlier on. He comes from an NPD family, too. I had to come to the point where I said to myself and to my family, "I don't care if the entire state puts it on the ballot and votes that Sherry is no good - I will stand my ground here"! I'm am doing great, I keep a positive mental attitude because I insist on that with my self, and I got busy and made friends that are kind and wonderful to me and I am good to them. I don't have to prove myself to anyone but me.
These rotten people in our lives actually can't tie us to them - we are voluteering for that. It is the self and the reaction to these bad actors that needs to change, because the bad actors will never change. My life is my responsibility and I've got enough on my plate in changing me and my attitude that I don't have time to work on them.
Thank you, Sherry. Sounds like you have taken full responsibility for your healing and have already made much progress. Appreciate your sharing some of your story.
I absolutely looooove your entire comment. I hope this finds you still kicking ass!🫶
Once she started on my daughter. No contact. I didnt care who supported me. Tried to force me out. Now SHE has no one.
I had NOBODY till now 🎉❤
2:16 I tell you what could be worse.. being adopted to a narc mother and a psychopathic adoptive brother and the only person who truly loved you died when you were only 4 years old. Having a emotional abusive and emotional absent adopted mother who enables her psychopath adopted son to try to murder me by choking or other ways that’s what could be worse..
never been able to get kids because you’re so messed up by all the trauma and having enough self awarness not to involve another innocent live
Only to find out after 25 years of abuse that your narc adopted mother did put a will up where EVERYTHING goes to the psychopath
Meaning my whole inheritance of my father and her will go to him.
I have been dying from inside before but for what I feel now there are no words
Knowledge and awareness jn proper doses is so important to my recovery from FSA. Choosing the term “battle” helps me to be better prepared. Anticipating the next move and proper action is empowering. I am in the process of retaining an estate attorney, and not just anyone … the best attorneys for the job. There are estate attorneys, however, you need to state that you are willing to “contest the will”. Many good attorneys will say “that’s not for our firm” so, if your serious ask for a referral. Good attorneys know who the best litigating attorney firms are - who have a specialty in this area.
Good information. Thank you, and I wish you the best in regard to ensuring justice reigns.
My poor son was the scapegoat. In fact, I was too. My son only had me, his mother, then I was used and manipulated, and my son ended up isolated, helpless, powerless, and he thought, no one cared about him. He committed suicide at 27. Now I am the scapegoat, but I don't care. I have had enough. My other son has no warmth or respect for me, it appears that he is contemptuous. It dawned on me that he has been manipulated against myself and his brother since he was a toddler. I lost custody of my babies. My son, that committed suicide, was blamed and framed, ending up in prison, accused of stuff, shamed, made to feel he was bad (he was not). I was made to believe I am a bad mother. (I am not). No one seems to care what happened to my son
My Narc Mom set me up & I went to prison for 2.5 months... After this experience, I tried to commit suicide 3 times; if my mom can get away with this she can get away with anything was my attitude... I'm so very very sorry about your son! I can't imagine losing child to suicide! I do know, though, how it feels to feel completely hopeless from narcissistic abuse... Thank you for sharing!
Truly tragic - and heartbreaking. My deep condolences on the loss of your beloved son.
I can only imagine your pain. It is a most horrifically sobering thought to lose one's son, then remember his intense suffering.
Look after yourself my Friend.
@@rw6071my brother died by suicide 18 months ago. He had just turned 60. It is so sad. My family has learned nothing by this terrible tragedy
Condolences to you on your terrible loss and all the suffering you have been through
My neices and nephew scorned me. I was never included in family gatherings when my niece with children came to visit from far. I have never met her two daughters but once by chance in a store. I found out at age 50(!) my sister and her told everyone I tried to murder her as a baby by smashing her head against concrete..that sister didn't call police to protect the family. ...NEEDLESS TO SAY ALL LIES!!!! How to get past this.
This is one of the most difficult aspects of this form of abuse (what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA): The injustice of it all. I have a video here on Injustice and Righteous Rage. You might also want to purchase my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
I married a Scapegoat of a Narcissistic mob/gang.Looked good on tje outside but noticed real quick that my spouse seemed to have accepted the role of "Black Sheep" as well the narc parent had already run off 1 of their children's spouse,and was working on another child's spouse,then a third,I almost became a casualty not being able to tolerate the abusive and toxic knights of the round table when family functions would happen at the golden child's home. Someone was always on the chopping block and had continuing supply to feed off for a while. I finally divorced them( not my spouse) he is now no contact and starting to heal. Occasionally a flying monkeys will show up or they try to get info about us through out friends or grandkids,40 years of this stuff,we lost our oldest to suicide and were blamed by the narc parent for his death by the way we raised him. That was the clenc
I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your son. How hideous to be blamed for his death. I've seen this with some past clients of mine, and this same situation came up in some of my FSA survey responses as well. And yet, society denies this form of abuse. I can barely get my videos monetized here, because apparently associating the word 'abuse' with 'family' is a real taboo with advertisers.
The scapegoat never gets any money they usually are disinherited. Anyone staying for the money just go and get up and go.
Often they will get what is rightfully theirs by law, but only after seeking legal assistance, as described in this video.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse that would be such an unpleasant horrible experience to go through. I can’t even imagine. I know you are right and I for sure could’ve maybe should’ve done that. I just wasn’t that strong and guess maybe I should’ve tried to stand up for myself for once. I had several friends tell me to do that but I just could not do it. I literally felt sick at the thought of seeing their faces in court and felt just let them have it because karma will get them. I thought does my sister and her accomplices really believe that God will allow them to skip off into the sunset with stolen money through Machiavellian behavior money that wasn’t theirs and live a great life. I really believe this is a spiritual thing, a spiritual sickness that gets in these people. I just can’t imagine any sane person ever treating another human being the way they do but Karma did come and continues to, but it really doesn’t bring me any satisfaction or gloating. Mostly, I’m just sad for all the relationships that never were, that should’ve been. I loved those people and would’ve done anything for them. It’s such a sad dynamic.
Yes alliances are a type of scapegoating.
My mother once told me that she would disinherit me, I told her, “ I can’t miss what I never had, I could care less about inheritance!” I had gotten married and moved out by then, but that did not stop her from using every angle she could. You once mentioned how they will accuse you of being rude or mean etc when it’s them and it’s like you saw my life. It was my daughters BD party and all our close friends arrived with their kids and we waited about 15min and (my daughter had spent the night at my parents) so I called their house and my mother answers and I laughing asked where were they? …… was late for her BD party and my mother becomes irate hangs up the phone. I was upset because I was very light hearted and it was our close friends so why would I be upset they lived 15 minutes away so it wasn’t like the party would have to be canceled. Anyway they show up and once again my father is mad and confronting me because she told him it was ME yelling at and being rude to my her!
I wish you were around then, my life would I imagine would have been very different understanding my whole life back then. By the grace of god and some people spread thru out my life with words I’ll never forget that made common sense and the counselors who spared my feelings and said stay away and only go back for very specific events and keep it short.
You are so helpful!
And if I had to do it all over again I’d have kept my daughter away from her! Like another city far away! But I didn’t have help from my husband then and I felt like I would be mean to her!
I'm glad to hear it. Sounds like some DARVO tactics may have been going on: 'Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender' (J. Freyd).
My dad died 5 years ago, then all bets were off. I was fair game for even more intense scapegoating. He had been my only protector. My mother suddenly proclaimed that she was going to "fix this family". She met with each one of us individually, supposedly to determine our issues, and bring us to a kumbya moment. She lied. It was all a ruse. I poured my heart out to her. I could barely speak from my pent up anquish. I lost my voice. I cried. She sat like a stone with no reaction. Then she shared everything I said with the other siblings. This confirmed once again that I can't control my emotions, I'm the problem, and I'm crazy. That was my last attempt at trusting her with my heart. I walked away, forever, a month later.
Heartbreaking. I thought of this video when I read your comment: ua-cam.com/video/0RXlyIFrb7k/v-deo.html
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you. I will definitely watch it.
Clarification: In a previous comment, I said my Dad died when I was 10. That is true. He was my biological father. My step-father died 5 years ago. For 45 years he was my dad. He was the kindest man I've ever known. We were very close. His death was the impetus for the more intense scapegoating that I referenced.
The fact that I felt compelled to clarify and defend my prior comments speaks volumes.
I enjoyed this video...I always wondered why my mom stayed around and listened to her narcissistic mom's devaluation of her. Mom put up with the insults her mom dished out at her. Unbeknownst to my mom, her mom changed the will. The will said in part " to my daughter ( my mom ), I leave nothing". Everything went to the favorite cousin my mother always said I reminded her of. I think my mom resents me because the cousin was favored by her mean- spirited mother. Our grandma often told us disparaging things about our mom. Our grandma was verbally abusive to some of my siblings. She favored me . I enjoyed this video
Thank you for providing such a clear example of what I describe in this video. An ugly business, indeed.
Thank You...I feel sad my mom went through that. But I know she chose to take it out on me instead of getting the help she needed. I felt bad for my siblings while my grandma verbally abused them, but favored me like she favored the cousin my mom didn't like. Thank You for your amazing videos😁
"Scapegoating family systems as battlefields," the sad story in my family.
And for so many here...
Can you do a video talking about how the narcissistic family/parent tries and does turn the Scapegoat’s own child against them? My narcissistic mother took advantage of my divorce and befriended my ex husband behind my back. Then 6 months after my father’s death in 2015 my narcissistic mother conspired with my ex to convince my 15 yr old daughter to go live with him. Then my narcissistic mother managed to brainwash my daughter into thinking that I was in fact the problem and that my mother was the victim and now my daughter will not see me or talk to me since 2019 when she turned 18 but she still talks and sees my narcissistic mother and family.
Yes, this can definitely happen, sadly. Hence this video. It's a start.
I am in a similar situation, and because of it, my daughter and I have been estranged for almost 6 years. Yes, our relationship was strained to begin with, and undoubtedly, she would describe me as a toxic parent. I think their influence, however, further bolstered that opinion of me. She is extremely enmeshed with my brother's family and is taking on "their stuff", and as a result, has taken their side. His wife had very codependent relationships with her daughters, so this makes total sense. The bottom line is this: They want what they want. I repeat: They want what they want. When my Dad was alive, he would bypass me and try to get my husband to agree (behind my back) to let him see her. Smearing me to the family, when he was angry because I went "no contact"? No problem. Even if it contributed to destroying my relationship with my daughter. They HAD to get me out of the picture to get what they wanted, which was her, Before I watched this video, I once remarked to my husband that my family was very "warlike". Some families "eat their own".
Hello Rebecca thank you for your videos. I have looked everywhere but cannot find your academic credentials. I understand you are a licenced therapist but I would be interested to know what degrees you hold and at which universities you studied.
Please visit my website at scapegoatrecovery.com. I am a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist and Certified Complex Trauma Treatment Professional (trained by Dr. Janina Fisher) and a UA-cam Health Partner. Look under the video for this reference. My degrees/licensure are also featured in the bottom left screen of every video.
💕
Ever since I watched your first video, I realize I was the scapegoat (my narc brother said he was which is why I looked the term scapegoat up. identify 💯
Just saw the rest of the video. Two things: 1) I went "no contact" with my family because my daughter wasn't to be left alone with them, especially after they had her for a year during the CPS case. However, I still got a share of my father's inheritance. I recently signed off for distribution of funds and they are mysteriously taking their time. I had to fire my lawyer. Time to get a new one!!! ASAP! Thank you! 2) You can't keep them away from your family forever! I was a good parent in many ways, but not perfect. Due, in part, to generational trauma, I had problems raising my daughter, I told my partner (now my husband) when she was around 10 years old, that one day she would turn on us. She turned on us. I kept my family away from her as long as I could (including my father), but once she graduated from high school, they came for her and she went. Things were rocky between us, and she moved out shortly after graduation,. They took advantage of the situation, because once you are the IP (identified patient) you stay in that role. They finally got what they wanted.
Indeed, so much is beyond one's control. Recognizing this fact is a critical aspect of 'radical acceptance'.
I didn't find out until long after the funeral that my mother had died. I am the youngest of 8. It was always all them, against me. I disengaged from all of them, except one, decades ago.
Mystery Grey as a mother (of 2- who are way, way more than a number 🥹) I can tell you for sure that is seriously low quality… yours truly 10th of 12.
Understandable. Glad you're here.
That is awful, I'm so sorry. ❤
I hope the client who had an emergency is OK😢❤
Yes - all okay, and very thoughtful of you to inquire.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse That's good. 😊
Pretty sure my sister shorted me out of some of the (small) inheritance after my father died. I went to the court house to get the paper work for my father's death and the numbers didn't add up.
I experienced a form of financial manipulation by my Mother towards my eldest adult daughter. I just happened to come across a letter accidentally where she sent her $2000.00 dollars and said she felt like she should help me as well but my youngest brother told her she shouldn't do so because it would enable me. Then she sent her another $2000.00. This happens to be the adult child that is closest to me in my family after going through a very nasty divorce. She didn't send my other 3 adult children anything which I found very odd. You would think she would have sent $1000.00 to each instead of playing favorites. She was also in communication with my ex-wife but was having no contact with me at the time which finally set me off. I decided to write a lengthy email about all my concerns with regards to the way I had been treated over the years and she accused me of being abusive which I was not. Having to face the truth about her neglect towards me was more than she could handle is my guess. That was the final straw for me and the point at which I went 'No Contact' and I have not spoken to any of my immediate family in over 3 years. It's all very disturbing and, I have to say, I'm glad I finally eliminated them all from my life. I honestly don't think you can get more covert than that. I have no doubt that I have been written out of any Will that has been drawn up at this point and quite frankly I don't care.
It gets to that point. No longer caring can be a key aspect of 'radical acceptance' at times.
Thank you. Informative. Helpful . I won't spend a lot of time on my past situation. This video topic so relatable. My point here, is : when a name was put on the role given and the projections made, SCAPE GOAT under the umbrella of NPD families and dysfunctional, all parts played by those in it and of it and escaping it - make sense .
Counsellors Ive visited in Australia do a good job validating how a client handles things. They are adept at bringing new things out of the story.
But correctly assessed by trained Family scapegoat abuse therapists - Rebecca Mandaville
far away in the USA - they dont know enough.
If you dont know the illness you cant effectively treat it.
Im very fortunate as my main problem is figuring out what video to learn from first, then sequencially. I dislike following people. Dispite at times being hypocritical, I have cast off my Victim Hood, and look forward to buying the book Rejected Shamed and blamed.
Liberating stuff words - when nailing the issue. I will bow out and continue watching the video here, and learn some more.
All warmest best for Rest Period and peace.
I appreciate this, and hope my book is helpful. Releasing is as critical as recognizing what happened to us in our families.
Dear Rebecca C. Mandeville,
I heard a trauma informed therapist say that no one can say someone is malignant narcissistic other than a diagnosing psychologist. This therapist said that someone cannot say they were scapegoated in childhood by malignant narcissist family parents siblings grandparents. They say that only a professional psychologist can say if someone has malignant narcissism, not the adult who experienced it. Please tell me your opinion on this. I'd be grateful.
Hi Elizabeth; I understand the point this therapist is making, as technically, only licensed clinicians can diagnose conditions found in the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual here in the U.S.). However, only NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is offered in the DSM as a primary diagnosis for Narcissism. Therefore, one must learn the signs of Malignant Narcissism (which can be extremely covert, silent, subtle, and insidious), such as outlined in this article I am linking you to at the end of this comment (be sure to read the section 'Diagnosing a Malignant Narcissist'). If one feels that they are being subjected to the behaviors associated with malignant narcissism, then one can hopefully act on this information to protect themselves from further harm and maltreatment accordingly, regardless of whether or not this person has technically been diagnosed as a 'malignant narcissist' - which is unlikely to happen as such people rarely enter therapy or submit to this type of clinical testing. Hope this helps! www.verywellmind.com/how-to-recognize-a-malignant-narcissist-4164528
Concerning going live: I'm not a big fan of livestreams. They remind me of advice columnists who can't really give their best answer, because the person writing in is not available to answer any questions that the columnist may have in order to understand the problem more fully. I see that in many livestream sessions on you tube, the questions actually serve as a springboard for a topic of discussion that the content creator may wish to address. So, in that case, it may be useful. But as a general rule, no, I don't think that they are that good.. Thank you for asking for our input!
Appreciate your feedback, thank you.
My son @ 5 yo “ Mum’s just a bit bad”….. My son @ 17 left his family birthday dinner that I didn’t attend after the topic turned to gas lighting they were gas lighting the term gas lighting - trying to say I’d invented it & no one had ever heard of it !
Oh dear, where have they been? Such a well known term now.
I'm at just 2:41 and had to stop! You don't have to be sophisticated at all! My brother is very unreasonable and a bully. Very low emotional IQ. Just add two more equally toxic people to the mix, however, and the narcissist has managed to get a group of people together to turn the system against you (my sister is sophisticated, she's a Machiavellian). In my case, it was the guardian ad litem in a CPS case concerning my own child - which they lost, by the way, over 25 years ago. I have to confess that I was not in a good place at that time, and I am a completely different person, now. But fast forward 25 years later, and he managed to do it again. This time, it concerned my Dad's personal belongings after he died, not long ago. The lawyer for the estate told me that if my brother was in charge, he would make sure that I got nothing. Well, I got nothing. He still managed to influence the outcome, thumping his chest, huffing and puffing, in true (insert the name of your favorite bully, here) fashion, with the help of my sister, again. Thankfully, though, my father made sure that all four of us got an equal share of the inheritance.
I was thinking of the case study I later shared, and I do agree with you. There are many ways that one can influence a system: Bullying, influence, force, pressure, bribing, threatening, etc, etc and being a sophisticated narcissist is not always required to be successful.
I have a question that is so sensitive, I cannot write it in a public forum like this. How can I ask it privately of you, please?
You can contact me via my website or via the 'About' section here on the home page menu.
Answer # 1 - WOW-too close for comfort. My sister narcissist, golden child. My children never wanted to be around her. They had her figured out before I did. We all cut her out. I move to FL 4 years ago to be near my aging father. I’ve become very ill from living in toxic mold. My adult children drank the kool-Aide back in NY. My health is so bad right now that all I can think about is getting out of moldy Florida, and getting treatment. I have absolutely no support. No-one I can call. No-one calls me. My heart is broken, but…. My health is SO IMPORTANT, right now It has to be my first battle.
So sorry to hear this, Lenore. I have close friends who struggle with mold toxicity. I hope you can relocate soon and will hold a good thought for you. Not having family support is part of the ongoing tragedy of FSA.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for your support. It means a lot to me.
Yes that’s crazy… turning the child against the parent……
Crazy - and all too common in these types of family systems.
It really is like trying to leave a cult and I've been trying to break away for years
I discuss this in several of my videos; also on my blog at scapegoatrecovery.com/blog - as well as my book (to some degree), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
Yes. My narc husband partnered up with our youngest daughter against me for years. She hates me to this day… I had become quite close to our elder daughter who went on to marry a narcissist and now he has turned her against me. So at family gatherings I can feel the contempt of them all arrayed against me. The pain has been utterly crushing. I could not love or have loved my daughters and grandkids more… haven’t seen my youngest daughter or her kids all summer and she lives just a short ways from here… trusting God to heal my broken heart
Imagine my surprise when I watched this video, only moments after speaking to my 14 yr old son, whose been taken psychologically hostage for what I'm now learning has been for all of his life. talk about intergenerational trauma going "LIVE". And the second half of your video?! ..well, I just wonder who should play the role of my golden child sister, in the lifetime channel movie titled "Not without my Trust fund"?
Oh, good title!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Thanks, but I can't take full credit. I doctored up the title of an old movie I remembered that's chalk full of high stakes drama!
ua-cam.com/video/0TSmbayUJCo/v-deo.html
My malignant narcissistic mother turned my oldest (adult) daughter against me by making her a secondary "golden child" (my brother being the primary). She did this when my daughter was struggling in college, my mother was a college drop out & rewarded my daughter to do the same. My daughter was terrified of my mother when she was little. But when my mother inherited a lot of wealth, she started "buying" my daughter. It's been 15 years since I have heard from my daughter. She turned 36 April 1st. In the past 15 years my mother has bought my daughter 2 homes, cars, her wedding (which I wasn't invited to), vacations... I know I will never hear from my daughter until my mother dies.She saw all the abuse I endured & knows if she contacts me she will suffer my same fate.
Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/ - You might join Rhonda's private Facebook (women only) group that is included on this list. There are several women there that had their children turned against them by their (scapegoating) parents and Rhonda just made a video about this as well, which she posted in the group.
I'm so sorry this has happened. My son & I are estranged from each other, my only child... I suspect my narc siblings have had something to do with it as they are that cunning & vengeful & had contact with him without even letting me know when our mum was dying.
I understand your pain. Healing hugs to you.❤ Stay strong for when she returns...
Rebecca you keep blowing my mind. My eldest is 23, it's a long story bit I will confirm that this happens 💯percent. The second I tried to take control back she turned my siblings on me.
Thanks for sharing - and I'm very sorry this happened to you, Deborah.
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I'm so 🙏 for your work Rebecca. As painful as it's all been. There is FINALLY some positive changes. I got my daughter home first. This week, my middle of the younger 3 that were removed from social work has been messaging unsupervised all week, and the older one was coming round to it too. There's always hope. Thank you again. 😊 I am struggling slightly with how to communicate as its been under a supervision order for a decade. Which is silly as they now looking at me to take him back home as he's at an age to be heard. 15 this month. Same age when my daughter made moves to return. But we will get there I'm sure. Much love ❤️ light to you
My mom just died and both my sisters Gave me 30 minutes to see my mother but I was 4 hours away..And I was taking out of the will..My dad had his home sold with the help of my sister and brother in law ..And had him move into their home and my sister is over my dads finances
I'm very sorry to hear this. I can't count the times I have heard such stories. One of the many injustices associated with FSA, as discussed in my video here: ua-cam.com/video/mKxelQqKQN4/v-deo.html
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you. YES I have watched alot of your videos and you explain it for others who haven't gone through it to understand. I've been in counseling since I was in my late 20's..
When I tell people about my experiences child and adult...some look at me and some cry and wonder how I still smile...
Thank you for your compassion and truth
🙏
Rebecca, I'm extremely excited to hear this. I'm survivor of scapegoat abuse and a narcissistic Mother. I recently graduated as a therapist but I truly love these teachings and would love a class. I live Scotland, was estranged from my family for year's, my children were removed from my care due to her lies and manipulation, I ended up in the depths of addiction, but now I want to move forward and help other's through my life experiences and would love to have your teachings help. Due to the identification I'm getting from your videos. Forever Grateful for bringing this to attention 🙏 ❤
Congratulations on graduating and your new career as a therapist - Happy to have you here! I hope to offer an FSA recovery coaching certificate one day - Do subscribe to my newsletter so you get my announcement on this when the program is ready. scapegoatrecovery.com (see the menu to subscribe).
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse what a lovely surprise to hear from you. My bigger plan is find funding and open farming projects to keep families together in recovery 🙏 ❤️ providing healing shelter and job's with room to create whatever, your teaching is 💯 perfect for the project 👌 I'll sign up to the newsletter, and thank you, I must get your book. Truly grateful, Deb. 💜
What a fabulous idea - Do keep me posted, there are few good family programs out there, it is so needed at this time.
Yes, i have risked a large inheritance. She/they changed it about 7 yrs ago to try to break up my brother from his wife, putting him into trust where he had to ask his daughter and me for any funds, then changed it back when i said NO to hosting Christmas. She/they gave power of atourney tome and my brother's daughter (golden grandchild, and her sister was rejected when a baby as 'rotten kid'). Then put it back to even split, so i might have a chance of fighting it if they HAVE changed it again now with my 'extremely limited contact', due to them changing it too often when they are old but, somehow, with a word from God to buy this house in the last week of no deposit loans in Australia (which i didn't know) we now own this house at 60yo and would survive without the inheritance. How cool is that. It still would be nice to have it and i think the angels will wrangle it and i won't have to do anything.
Congratulations on your new home purchase - that is wonderful news and understandably has eased your mind somewhat.
❤🙏
I wish child alienation got it's own video and wasn't overshadowed by the inheritance part because there really isn't anything worse than having your child and ex join in with your life long bullies. The inheritance means nothing to me.
This was an introductory video to answer specufuc subscriber questions. I will go deeper later.
This is a good time to drop this video. My mental health deteriorated exponentially in my last relationship. He was unbelievably cruel to us, never in text he was too smart for that, but he would slip every now and then. Mostly he would abuse my daughter and I in person, telling us how worthless and ungrateful we are, he would scream at my daughter he needs to leave me, I’m lazy, worthless, etc. there was zero intimacy in the relationship, we slept in different rooms for 9 years, he would beat the animals or threaten to kill them while we were holding them, it was a living hell. He even coerced me into sending drugs through the mail to him in Iraq. It took months, but I eventually caved. I lost my mind at the very end and took a guitar to his drywall. I couldn’t even get up to clean except to take my child to school or home. She was the only functioning part of my life.
My dad came up to his home on behest of my ex, I asked him to leave but he forced his way in and physically assaulted and choked me. After he finally left he said he was taking my daughter. He picked her up from school and told her I was crazy, I need to be thrown into a mental institution, there was something wrong with me, etc. my mother told her she would always have a home, they are going to raise her, etc. the catch? I had a six figure job waiting for me in Afghanistan and she kept saying “your daughter needs her mother.” My ex didn’t want to help watch her, we were completely trapped and under his control, but when I had the opportunity to provide a beautiful life for us my mother wanted no part in it. She tried to turn my daughter against me with the rest of the family, and the sheer torment she was going through because of my breakdown and the breakup, the defamation, my mother would say to her “this is so hard for me.” Nobody even asked if she was okay. They are monsters. She told me how worthless and pathetic I was to even allow a man to do this to me.
I have to go back through basic training and they said of course we will watch her! I don’t know if I should. Maybe we should just ride out her high school years and enlist together when she’s old enough. They will never turn her against me, but I know they will abuse her to no end. I’m not sure what to do. It’s been 6 months since all of this happened, we are stable in an apartment, I’m working and going to school. I have incredibly hard days but we are together and doing well. I don’t know if I should leave her for about 6 months to retrain.
Shadow- be very, very careful. Thing is… I think you do know… give yourself space to connect with your instinct. You know the truth, the safest way, the strongest way… it may be the way of most sacrifice on one level but an absolute no brainier on another, it’s a cost analysis- at what price- what is worth what in this equation. Your highest power, that is ultimately your core is there to guide you, years of abuse separates you from that space, but it hasn’t gone away.
@mellicrann has given you some very wise suggestions. With my clients, it helps when I invite them to consider what would serve them (and those they care about / wish to protect) at the HIGHEST level when they find themselves in what seems like an impossible (double-bind) situation.
Did the video cut off? It seems like it did?
I put a message at the end...
My children never met my mother- she died at 94 a few weeks ago, sharp to the end. My father died before they were born. I never blacklisted her, she was never barred from my home- less than two hours drive from her’s. On the other hand I had an open door for all my siblings and was very supportive to all… it didn’t go both ways…. the worst of all, is my siblings have been abusing me for years…. I didn’t recognise a lot of it. My mother was so extreme. Fortunately I figured it out myself.
It’s the worst part. I would have let all the will go, I was going to say fxxk it about any possible will. But as I hear you speak, I’m thinking of my responses to abuse as in- let it go, 100%. I’m now thinking, I may make enquiries, I’ve no expectations, however I can see there’s a difference between enquiring and making a detached decision Vs no questions and thinking this is “ higher moral ground”
From how you speak about this client, it is very clear that you are up to date in theoretical information, tuned in and interested. I wonder how that gets passed on.. Thank you for your work here.
You're very welcome. I've been working in the Family Systems field for over 20 years, specializing in child psycho-emotional abuse, including family scapegoating. If you haven't yet read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', which is based on my client experience, personal experience, and my original research findings, you might want to. That's part of how I am passing it on, along with my videos here, social media, etc.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseRebecca, I’m gearing myself up to the book, I discovered your work shortly after you put it up on youtube. This is what I need. I’m still going to a therapy, I even asked this woman can I buy her also a copy of your book. It’s the skills and strategies that you talk about that is so helpful. I know you’re working with educating therapists. I think also there’s a big piece needed about therapy supervision- and how to really get bevy and into stuff there. I have 2 close friends, both with lots of clinical education, one highly educated and received training by the top people in trauma/ developmental therapy. They know my story, past and present +++. I did not attend my mother’s funeral- it was because of ongoing sibling shunning- I always believed I’d attend to support all in our forward move etc… I felt good that I could stand back a bit and name the FSA and refer them to you and your channel and cite your very professional background. I was in a whole new space here, feeling I’m giving information and detaching from having to tell what it’s like, what is really going on. Yet, it came back about me, are you going full no contact… never read the comments… I did ask…. They’d have all the training about following the narratives etc. Later in more ways, it was put back onto me, questions asked like uneducated members of the public- in a gentle tone, stupid questions….I know totally I’m not imagining any of this. It’s shocking to be honest.
Your work is so important
Acknowledgment and validation of the FSA adult survivor's painful family experiences are rarely acknowledged by scapegoating family members.
It's not just leaving them alone with the kids, they'll put you down or undermine you even with you being there. I wish i had of kept my kids away from my Mum like my sister in law did for about 10 years from toddler to 12 or so. I am 60 now and only a couple of years ago realised what was going on. Trauma bond i think. people pleased. learnt to say NO at 57. Even my boss about 15 years ago said i needed to learn to stand up for myself. My friend who stayed with us pointed out mixed signals etc and said my parents were making me insecure. Another friend 20 years ago told me to keep away from my Mum as she would destroy me, after seeing her during one visit where i had been strangled and she said, 'i don't need this shit' when i went to tell her it wasn't my fault and how it happened. Also hanging with Christians who taught me that i'm not who she said i am. I am quite well educated and was a coordinator of disability services (with a degree that i got while raising kids on my own) and now a musician but , as Rebecca said in another video, that would never be enough. I ditched her after the flack when i said NO to throwing the Chistmas party here. It has been awful. My husband of 17 years is not much better but financially secure as we bought a house in Australia where rents are soaring. I can't wait to be free and at peace.
Thank you for aiding me in my quest to dispel the persistent myth that scapegoating family members *only* talk badly about the FSA target when nobody else is around (i.e., that the abusive behaviors only happen "in secret," or "in private"). You are correct: It will often happen with you present in the room, in front of not only other family members (including your children), but also friends - or strangers, for that matter.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yes, though the super cruel stuff tends to be in private. things like telling me when i was 58 'if i (as in me) had a child it would be dead in a year' when my toddler died on her land in about 1986. We were there and my ex was watching him. I went to check on him but she yelled at me to come back and fold this dress pattern and i was too trauma bonded i guess , to do what i wanted. Or telling my hubby he 'is her only child' or 'he is her favourite child', when my brother and father were out in the garden and i was inside cooking, doing up her shoes etc'. I have also heard her being cruel to SIL when we were young when no one else could hear but i was just around the corner and entering the room. But she put her down in front of her kids and gossiped badly about her to the whole family. I used to say 'you can be glad she's not on speed or something' as it was all just normal human stuff or made up. i could go on for hours/days/years. but you get the picture.
thanks you all so much for these videos. CAn't even get into a psych here (Australia) . 18mths wait and when i did get one i got very few appointments because i am not suicidal or such. And the chances of getting one who understands this stuff might not be too good.
You're welcome, Sheree. I hope you also will consider reading my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. Amazon Australia has it, although for some reason they keep jacking up the price on the paperback. Kindle much more affordable.
thank you muchly
How does someone get your one on one?
Visit my website at scapegoatrecovery.com and look for the single-session consultation in the menu.