The "Pick Me Girl" in Media | Video Essay
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- Опубліковано 21 лип 2024
- don't mind me titling this video the exact same way I titled my Not Like Other Girls video lol
The 'pick me' girl has been getting a lot of attention on social media, so I thought I'd explore it (both in film/TV and social media)!
Like many of the tropes I talk about, the term is a bit of a double-edged sword-let's talk about why :)
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time stamps ---
0:00 - intro + definition
1:40 - why do they exist?
2:50 - criticizing sexism
4:06 - reinforcing sexism
6:33 - outro - Фільми й анімація
Being a 'pick me' girl isnt about what you like or do, it's whether you use it to belitle your own gender lol
THIS. THIS IS THE QUOTE
There is nothing wrong with belittling certain behaviors or interests "women" partake in. It's okay for women to express disapproval with things they dislike. It's when you are only belittling it to impress men that makes you a pick me.
in order to seek male validation
This!
I am a gamer, I love somewhat different things compared to my friends and they call me a pick me because i talk about games with dudes when we all meet up tf
@@yenisketches6047 the term is losing its meaning and it's really sad
Thank you so much for pointing out the way pickme is often used to insult non-feminine women! It's one of my biggest pet peeves! A girl isn't a pick me if she doesn't wear makeup or if she likes sports or gaming. The issue comes when they criticize other women for male validation. And there are valid reasons to criticize, for example, make up without doing it for male validation.
Glad you enjoyed, I totally agree!
@@eleanor.abernathy7836 That it's a social expectation exclusively put on women for example. Using makeup often can also make people insecure about their natural face which is obviously not good for mental health.
@@eleanor.abernathy7836 if you can't criticise an industry that profits of off women's insecurities, can you really call yourself a feminist? Of course don't go up to individual women and tell them they're bad for wearing make up, but it's important to be critical still. I don't mean this as an attack since i wear makeup myself. The girl you mention criticizing you in a group of males likely wasn't doing so for feminist reasons (so that's obviously not what I'm talking about in my original comment when i talk about valid criticisms). there are also many situations where women who do wear makeup criticize women who don't and that is also equally bad, so it's not a great idea to think in such a black and white way.
Yeah it really is just misogyny, I’ve seen people side eye girls who like to doll up as in why are they trying so hard for attention. I’ve even seen people call girls who flirt with guys as pick mes. There is nothing wrong with flirting with men as long as you don’t put down other women.
Honestly! It’s nonsense. A woman isn’t a pick me because she likes to skateboard or game. the amount of times I’ve heard people throw ‘pick me’ around for having a hobby or holding an unpopular opinion (that is not misogynistic just unpopular) is ridiculous.
The easiest way to recognize a pick me is if she shames you in front of boys or says that she doesn't have female friends cuz they are full of drama
Trust and believe I don’t keep a lot of female friends cause of you guessed it DRAMA. That doesn’t make me a pick me. To be fair I don’t keep any friends at all cause I don’t like stress but more often than not women come with more drama than necessary. I’m 31, and I’ve had my fair share of dramatic women over the years.
@@lexxelestine I think the difference between you and a pick me is that she will somewhat brag about it in front of men. Many of them will act normal around an all female group but put a boy in the mix and somehow they have migraines from breathing the same air as other girls.
Or if they are quick to label other women individually as “drama.” That word is now reductive, harmful, and misogynist. And overall exhibits a lacking in one’s vocabulary. If you can’t articulate specific reasons you dislike someone by a certain age and your only resolve is because that person is, “drama,” then the other person may not be the problem. It may be an unease with vulnerability, sensitivity, emoting, bad conflict resolution skills, or a lack of emotional intelligence. But to reduce another woman to “drama” is Pick-me energy all the way.
Boom! Thank you. I'd also like to add that there's a huge difference between saying, "I have a lot of guy friends." Or, "Most/all of my friends are guys." Versus saying, "Most/all of my friends are guys because guys have less drama and are less toxic."
Furthermore, I feel like people who whine about men/women being full of drama or complain about everyone in general being full of drama seem to always end up being the person stirring up the drama in the first place anyway. I consider it a red flag.
“It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama.”- I Heart Huckabees, a sociopolitical existential film about the human condition. And although this is coming from the nihilistic perspective the reality is that as humans, as individuals with different cultures, histories, personalities, and taste, when we interact we can anticipate varying degrees of conflict. And conflict isn’t necessarily bad, it can be uncomfortable but it brings growth. Misogyny perpetuates a myth that emotions and sensitivity are bad…or maybe “hard,” and because these things are associated femininity, emotions and sensitivity are reduced to “drama.”
“Drama” is genderless, symptomatic of the human condition, and like the quote says, inevitable.
I think what's super interesting too, is the fact that while 'pick me' girls (who, sure, probably have valid reasons to be called that, i guess) can be annoying, pick me boys are far worse. I've been studying criminology for about 5 years now, and let me tell you, it's the pick me boys that will most likely unalive you. Stemming from the inability to handle rejection, to other issues that they really need to go the therapy for - it's super fascinating to see that women are the plight of criticism for this genre of people :/
so so true! while pick me girls are perhaps annoying, pick me boys can border on dangerous yet are far less discussed
Ooooh! This is such a good point. 🤔
Women pick on women, tale as old as time.
Yeah a Pick me girl stems from wanting attention and feeling like the most special girl there is and for their “main character” moment, but pick me guys are more about entitlement and being angry that they couldn’t have women just because
@@MaiaCVideos Aren't pick me boys basically nice guys/white knights/simps? People talk about and make fun of them all the time.
something that really bothers me about how everyone's being called a pick-me these days is the fact that you can't criticize things that are associated with traditional femininity; if you speak up about how the beauty and wellness industry is toxic and profits off of our insecurities or if you condemn certain beauty practices because it sends out the message that ethnic features are inherently ugly and need to be corrected (contouring the nose for example), you'll immediately be called a pick-me girl. disagreeing with a woman or simply disliking a woman is unacceptable, because for some reason, in an attempt to break out of the whole "women are a monolith" thing, we've circled right back into becoming a monolith.
ooh yes that's very true!
I was hoping someone would call this out. You’re instantly labeled a pick me when you disagree with certain things. For example, it’s always labeled “slut shamming” when you don’t agree with having to lead with sexuality in order to capture a man’s attention. Etc etc
laciena I think the problem with this isn’t when the individual expresses that it’s what they want for themselves, but becomes an issue when someone’s putting down other women and trying to appear superior over them.
This. Logic has got to be applied in whatever scenario but it's the picking and choosing to fit the narrative that's self-destructive and demeaning 😷
Amen
girly girls criticise tomboy girls for not being girly enough. Tomboys criticise girly girls for being too girly. Girly girly criticise tomboys for being pick-me's, and now we're criticising girly girls for assuming unfeminine girls are pick-me's.
How about we just... leave each other alone?? lmao
It's seem a kina thing like that 😹😹 but from the "pick me", it's not about girly girls criticize "tomboy", just criticize girls who thinks they are "better" than other bc they are this or that.
But yeah. It's sadly exagerrated sometimes to say "tomboy" are just "pick me".
You can be a "pick me" and be very feminine the fact is, if you down your own gender or other woman for being... Well a woman in front of boys in particular then yes you are a "pick me" and should be called out.
@@yougotitwrongiknowit700 I don't know why it's always the tomboys who are being blamed the pick mes,
Feminine/Girly are unironically the common type of pick mes, they are MOSTLY the ones who competes with other women in terms of looks, they are always the ones who compare themselves to other women, subconsciously or consciously.
ACTUAL tomboys don't give a shit about attracting boys, because what they wear isn't even meant to attract boys to begin with, since boys like feminine girls more.
A lot of people thought I was a pick-me for being masculine in my interests and the way I dress. And I’m a whole lesbian. It really bothers me when people make assumptions that the things I like are only done to attract men. Or even further, when men treat my attraction towards women as something that is “hot” and they want to join in.
Another thing I find funny is when a lot of women are surprised when I don’t judge them for liking traditionally feminine things. As if they expect me to look down on them for liking feminine things. It makes me think of how a lot of people see masculine women as immature, with a hatred of femininity, who need to be taught “what is means to be a woman.” It’s infantilizing and insulting. Of course, I don’t blame anyone for that way of thinking. Movies, TV, and media in general push these ideas that divide women.
People do use the term way to loosely but miss Kendall is always trying her hardest to be different like Alllll the time. It’s super weird.
I disagree about kendall jenner. She literally oozes “I’m not like other girls hehe I’m so quirky” when she says what she’s saying in the clip
fair enough, she's def a pick me in some contexts, but I find that many clips of her are labelled as "pick me energy" without reason
I honestly think it's because she's attractive. If she was a stereotypical "ugly" (or at least not convientionally attractive), masculine, tomboy looking girl, then people probably wouldn't be calling her a pick me. I noticed that this term tends to be used against girls who are attractive or otherwise liked by men (even when they aren't doing anything to put other women down). Almost out of a sense of jealousy.
Kendall is just trying to differentiate herself from the Kardashians
@@nigerianprince3009 she used to say: you don’t need surgery to be beautiful! And she used to say she was the natural one in the family, then went along and did exactly what she was criticizing in her sisters
@@Ale-vx5wq I think she's just delusional at this point, she thinks since Kylie changed completely, people might think she also did a lot of surgery and she's a model so it's natural for her to feel insecure about her face
I think the takeaway is: You can like whatever you want to like, but you don't have to put down other women at the same time. It's not necessary, it's just asshole behaviour, especially if you're no longer a teen.
As someone who went to an all girl school (from age 9 to 17), my pick me girl phase was not about getting male's attention, it was more of trying to create an unique identity for myself 😗
oh interesting! going to an all girls school would definitely impact that dynamic
Finally! 🎉
Someone who defines the "pick me" term well.
Too tired to see lot of people resume "pick me" to girls who don't have what we call "feminine style".
i love how kendall is getting her recognition as the lead representative of this archetype 😌💅
To add to this: I find it disappointing now we have women who have made entire TikTok careers out of playing caricatures of Pick-me’s to mock them. The critique behind the Pick-me mentality is that it’s harmful to women because it relies on women making themselves superior to other women by distancing themselves from traditional femininity and by putting down their entire gender in the process for the exchange of male approval. These TikTok’s have eager comments from males viewers chiming in and how “annoying” they are and women commenters agreeing. It seems hypocritical at best and counterproductive at its worse. Ironically caricaturing the “Pick-me” in a way that may cause harm to real women that are “Pick-me’s” is like…”Pick-me” supremacy. We even have celebrity “Pick-me” witch hunts like in the K-Pop world with underage celebrities like Wonyoung and Yuna getting “called out” online for so called “Pick-me” behavior.
We need more video essays like this that discuss the issue mindfully and address what is wrong with the “Pick-me” mentality and why it’s harmful. And no more videos where the joke is to mean spiritedly mock other women. Otherwise we are just doing the very thing we claim to take issue with.
ooh that's very true! there's lots of content made by women that capitalizes off the pick me stereotype, definitely pretty unfortunate
Very well said. I've seen TikToks where women/girls say, "I'm not a pick me: I like rom-coms and makeup." I'm glad that those creators are proudly standing up for their interests, but idk the comparison there feels off.
@@sarahevans704 I can see we’re the comparison part can give rise to concern. In general, as they say “comparison is the theft of joy.” I don’t mind too much people labeling themselves as not a pick me’s and proclaiming their love of feminine things. You still don’t want to be a pick me theoretically, and so long as it’s not singling out another woman or mocking other women I think that’s pretty harmless. I think celebrating your individualism and taking back and reclaiming your interest as you unpack internal misogyny is an important part of the process. But it’s a good reminder being a pick me is not about your hobbies or interest- it’s about whether or not you put down or hurt other women for male validation or to make yourself superior to other women. So even if you do like rom-coms and makeup, if you are hurting other women or trying to make yourself superior to them you are a pick me.
@@AnABSOLUTEBarbarian That's true. I guess I'm just afraid that people will conflate a woman's maturity with her expression of traditionally feminine traits. But it was unfair of me to put that on an individual poster, so I definitely learned something today. Thank you so much
Wrote a whole ass thesis in the YT comments 😂
Men claim to love when women are interested in more masculine things, but not if it means men will be overshadowed LMAO
yup pretty much loll
@Seven Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus if theyre a real person dont refer to them as a movie trope lmao
Exactly. One of my friends was in a similar situation, where she liked video games. Her boyfriend did too, and it was all fun. Until she was better than him. It bruised his ego, because society makes fun of men who are worse at things than women. And men often internalize that, and get embarrassed when women are better at something than them.
@@Reed5016 Maybe playing the games with her was less enjoyable because he was constantly losing to her. I'm not the biggest fan of online games because they are not as enjoyable with players that are at a higher skill level.
Women like me just don't wear make-up or Pink and play video games just because we genuinely like them but not to seek a guy's attention. That's just sexism.
totally agree with this whole vid, especially the part about reinforcing sexism!! i think some girls work so hard to try and unlearn all the internalised misogyny by embracing pink/makeup/skirts/etc (e.g. things that were previously demonised) that it can go too far the other way by demonising girls who are into sports/jeans/not wearing makeup etc. ultimately the biggest indicator of a 'pick me' is not a girl who is interested in traditionally masculine things but whether she believes her interest in such traditionally masculine things makes her better than other women (esp women who are interested in typically feminine things).
exactly!! honestly this comment pretty much sums everything up lol, thanks for watching :)
I think for some "pick me girls" it's just an manifestation of their identity crisis and not wanting to be associated with some stereotypes about women. As a child of immigrants, my identity crisis has made me do/say stuff when it comes to people from my background that I don't agree with anymore too. I also didn't like how the victim role was pushed on me as a non-white person with regards to racism and stuff. I think that's also something young women are struggling with as well. I just hope we as women can work together to create a better world for our gender and figure out how to do it in a healthy and ethical way.
Totally agreed!
Women that defend manosphere are pick me, and I'm not even femminist.
Sorry but sometimes the manospehere is right and this comes from someone who often challenges the manosphere.
@@lexi1492 Nah, not really. They complain about women, but that's because they usually go after only one type of woman. The only thing I agree with, is their rights as father's are pretty shit sometimes. I really feel for men who have shitty baby mamas. Everything else they complain about, is not at all related to being a man or woman. One man, talking about "how women are", described exactly everything the ex(a so-called man) did wrong, so according to him, I was in a relationship with a woman!
@@lexi1492 Manoshere are just a buch of Whataboutists. I dare to say, cuz I was there for a while. Whiny babies who believe they are strong and have everything sorted out. But its all buncha bullcrap. Every argument they have is a logical fallacy or misrepresentation of a fact. Fuck, I was an epitome of pick-me girl, never again. Sorry ladies. Graziela is on point.
@@jl2280 I have to disagree here. Not all women have to be the same and have to believe in the same ideologies. There can be various reasons why a woman does not believe in feminism and many reasons why a female does.
I think thats the beauty of the world we live in all the differing opinions. It would be boring if everyone thought the same and highly restrictive.
Having a different opinion should not equate them being a pick me as long as they voice it respectfully.
@@jl2280 I think a portion of people who say they aren't a feminist, don't necessarily disagree with feminism but want to shy away from activism part while maintaining highly contextual egalitarian views.
Really enjoyed this one, I think the whole pick me girl debacle(and to an extent the pick me boy) changed and moved to separate meanings very quickly. Like how you expressed in the video about pick me girls and how women aren’t allowed to be masculine or even just enjoy traditions non feminine activities, and similarly with men and how any sensitivity or feminine traits is labeled Gay, simp like or pick me behavior. Crazy how the internet changes meanings of things for better and often for worse
I agree! and glad you enjoyed, thanks for watching :)
As you said it amazes me how at this point we have to have a label for everything and you HAVE to fit in only one box
I personally wouldn't say that I'm girly or boyish I just like the things I like, people will call me basic for liking fashion and a pick me for not wearing makeup, basic for liking chick flicks and and a pick me for like sci-fi, super heroes and anime
just let people live
Seeing clips of movies from 2000 and realizing the fashion isn't any different from 2021 is really weird.
There are many things men do to be attractive to women and no one connects it with patriarchy or anything like that. What if some women just like to be attractive to men and prioritize that goal over their relationships with other women - what does it have to do with patriarchy? To make things a bit more complex, what if they also genuinely like sports or videogames and aren't interested in makeup and consider the obsession with makeup stupid? Does this necessarily need to have anything to do with patriarchy at all?
You are so oblivious
Calling someone a "pick me girl" is starting to sound like a very "pick me girl" or "I'm not like other girl" thing to do. All girls have a "pick me" or "I'm not like other girls" side whether you want to admit it or not. Everyone wants to be "picked."
femcel with video
I’d like to see someone talk about the friendship dynamics of pick me girls and I’m not like other girls girls. The experience of being some girls only female friend was a strange one to be sure
the worst thing currently happening is how people will literally call anybody a pick me girl nowadays because of simple phrases they said that in that context, don't even belittle any other woman. like someone saying "i'm so short", yes it's annoying having someone tell you that repeatedly but it is not pick me at all. i feel like the label of the pick me girl has just made it easier for all women in general to hate on each other.
Loved this video so much! Very informative and came across very well! I hate how anything is labelled now as a “pick me” it’s so annoying. Like you said just bc you don’t want to wear makeup is doesn’t make you a “pick me” putting other women down now that’s a pick me. Ugh it’s so annoying thanks for making the video tho :)
glad you enjoyed!
I feel like ppl forgot the fact that Kendall Jenner liking sports acc makes a lot of sense considering one of her parents was literally an Olympic athlete, they've talked about how Kendall literally inherited Caitlyns "athlete" genes and body type countless times on KUWTK, I don't think it's a pick me thing at all
Yeah even gigi likes sports so much. Only if yolanada let her play
Like manic pixie dream girl… started as a criticism of male writers
So is simping the male equivalent of the "pick me girl"? Are men who simp exhibiting sexist behavior, and a product of the reverse patriarchy? No....of course not. The problem with these videos, while they have many interesting points to say, is that they take many factors of society as a given, despite the fact that they are highly debatable and complicated.
The existence of the patriarchy is a debatable topic on its own. And even if the Patriarchy DOES exist in some sense, it is an extremely vauge and non concrete topic that can not be treated as true a noun. Additionally, what counts as "misogyny" is extremely hard to nail down. Anything masculine does not equal misogyny, which is basically the impression one gets from watching these videos.
In the end, I think the majority of people watching these videos, and the creator, understands that these are click bait. Everything in existence is not a result of sexism, misogyny, or "the patriarchy", despite what these videos would have you believe. It worked on me! I keep clicking these videos because of the click bait topics. But every video proves itself to be the same hyper exaggeration and cherry picked talking points. It's actually kind of funny. The answer to every question is "sexism" and no depth is EVER taken to explain WHY it's sexism, it's just "sexism". We know why this is happening though: It's an attempt to make more content that will get views.
I agree that just because their Tomboys or aren't knee deep in what girls should be into doesn't mean they are pick me girls.
It's fascinating to see the gentrification of this term...
I know right! At least when The Take discussed this they delved into the etymology of the term and schooled their audience on its AAVE origins
Is Bella from twilight a pick me girl? It hit me that in the story it is constantly made a point that "shes not like other girls" but its never explained WHY? Are we suppossed to believe that someone with the personality of watching wall paint dry is somehow better than every other female character in the story?
She never pays attention to her appereance either clothes or makeup (something she makes a point that she doesnt like) and still somehow manages to look better than the other shallow and vapid girls around her.
And though she claims not to like male attention she sure milks it for all its worth when its convenient
All this time it bugged me that there was something off about her and that it was more than just being a self insert of the author as a way to cope with not being popular in HS and I think I finally figured it out
My favourite colour is black and I really love legally blonde. She was so cute and adorable and so smart with really good fashion sense. She even supported other women didn't hate the girl her bf chose over her. I do hate wirh my very core any of juila roberts rom coms. Or romcoms in general
How is picking on and shaming pick me girls different from what pick me girls do?
It's honestly pretty similar! That's why the overuse of the label often feels hypocritical
Because they were shaming first and it’s a defense mechanism/call out to get them to stop. (Talking about actual pick me girls not girls who genuinely like non feminine things).
@@fabfemme800 I don't think that would make them stop. I think it would make it worse if they already didn't like other women. You are just confirming what they believed by bullying them.
Ashley K I think to call someone standing up for themselves “bullying” is a bit of a stretch.
"I'm not like pick me girls, I'm one of the good ones!"
Ha! This is hilarious
Lots of support to you girl...Go queen ❤❤❤
love that video. i hate everything is a pick me or that girl etc. sometimes we just like things
Yeah…I’ve been noticing people misusing the term now. It’s sad
I remember when I was really little, just from a young age I was a girly girl, I put some make up on, ofc it was just childish and silly, my older neighbour maybe 20yr. old, she scrutinized me because of it, like it was bad or I am not going to grow into a good woman if I started make up this young, I remember feeling really ashamed by it.
We make feel little girls ashamed just bcs they are girlie, which is natural, like its going to make them unmoral grown ups or something....
I think she just wanted to warn you and keep u away from ruining your face at a young age and also getting caught up into the cycle of male validation cuz makeup often is worn early teens when girls want to seem more desirable. I guess she was trying to just give you advice here cuz if I saw a little girl putting makeup on I’d be concerned too.
I was a very girly girl (still am, just don't dress up these days as I don't go out becs of studying) and I used to wear crop tops, backless dresses, pretty shoes from a very young age. My mom wouldn't let me wear it becs I didn't know how and she didn't have the time but she would always let me wear colored lip gloss. So this one time, when I was barely 5 years old, this 20 y/o girl babysat me. I had already finished my homework so I went into my room and started trying different outfits that my parents had gotten me the previous day. Anyways, she walked in, saw what I was doing and gave me an hour long lecture about how I shouldn't wear crop tops and lip glosses as only "immoral" girls wear those and how they attract bad men. I never cried normally but she literally wouldn't let it go and made me cry. I called my parents, they rushed back and my dad gave her the scolding of his life. I've never seen him scream before and never after, just that one time. He shouted at her until she started crying and then got her fired and rightfully so. He's a person who usually lets things go but even he took this seriously because what this baby sitter did was child abuse. 15 years later, she's been divorced twice and lives with her mother because she doesn't have a job while I'm going to the university of my dreams. Being a girly girl or being pretty doesn't mean that you're not smart and being ugly doesn't make you any better than others, I wish people understood that
one thing that gets erased is that the origins of "pick me" stems from black culture and AAVE and while its current usage isn't completely divorced from its original meaning like say "woke" or "canceled" many people often forget it stems from a specific sort of racislized internal misogyny that black women encounter
yeah idk why she didnt mention that at all
Just started the video and want to gently point out that Pick Me is a SUPER old term in the Black community and isn’t just the latest iteration of the “Not like other girls” girl as stated at the beginning of the video.
Please go a little further back love cause there are racial implications in this phrase that have been lost since it was popularized for the mainstream. It didn’t start in 2016 that’s just when it went viral
Great and interesting video, will comment on the audio mixing but I'm only saying this because i'm leaving a comment anyway for the algorithm
thanks! yeah fair enough the audio's a little wonky on this one :)
@@MaiaCVideos it happens. But seriously keep up the great work.
Okay but Elaine is not a pick me, she really didn’t have any female friends
interesting video as always ,learning a lot while I've noticed the different types in the movies i had no idea the general public had coined terms for certain types of behaviour very interesting indeed
glad you enjoyed, thanks!
It’s hard as a young woman not to be misogynistic and hate stereotypical female traits when you’ve been severely bullied. Even once the bullying stops, you start to associate feminine traits with cruelty and begin to write people off at a first glance by whether they dress femininely or not. I exhibited pick me traits without the seeking male attention part for pretty much the entirety of my childhood, until I was at least 14.
My experience was more balanced, I don't know if that's purely a I didn't grow up in America factor, but I had my brothers friends and I had girl friends too, we all enjoyed each other's company but when I started dating I definitely lost touch with girls for a period and was focusing on my relationship and I guess my 'pick me' instincts were channeled in a healthy way to my now husband, but iv always has room for girls and embraced having friendships where ever possible. Being authentic is the key, and embracing who and what is around you, my family went camping and 4x4ing alot and I enjoy the outdoors, but I always wanted to bring a pink sleeping bad and make my tent pretty with lights and girly things etc etc... I think my point is labels are a waste of time because everyones lives have different aspects to it that make it unique, we are all unique, now I hate 4x4ing haha
Love it - and being me, label-free - whether in a gown, or gumboots
Imo patriarchy and capitalism causes pick me behaviour. Having to stand out from the crowd and be seen as special.
Some girls bcome pick me as a coping mechanism they really cant do makeup and get mocked for that or cant form friendships wirh women or were bullied by their female classmates and maybe for that they find men are nicer and easier to talk
I'm a "don't pick me" woman and don't care about validation from either: men or women💀
It seems like a phrase that's used to keep non-conformist girls in their place and to other those girls who dare call out behaviors or express their own individuality.
I absolutely hate this concept and I hate the talking points that people who champion the topic use.
1. "Pick Me" girls value male validation too much - So what? Maybe she wants a relationship and wants to be loved more than her peers. Maybe she has really low self esteem. Maybe she struggles to find a relationship. It could be she's not very pretty and thinks this is her only chance to overcompensate enough to get some control over her dating life. I think all of these are understandable situations that not only girls but human beings do often end up in. They aren't the most healthy situations and they are things a person should hope to work on for themselves, but I really don't see how the existence of a person like this is really such a problem for other people.
2. The "Pick Me" girl possesses internalized mysogyny - Why are we so quick to call it that if she is turned off by conventionally feminine interests and naturally bonds more with men? Not every girl is going to or has to be girly. And not every girl who prefers to hang with guys is inherently bad or misogynistic for doing that. When I think of internalized misogny behavior in women, I think of the kind of female anchors you would see on Fox News shilling all things right wing like the sanctity of marriage and family values and being anti-abortion. Women who truly believe other women belong in the kitchen and will say so. I don't think if a girl saying she'd rather hang out with her guy friends because she just happens to think more like them and get along better with them. People get to be different, it's what makes the world go round. Other people need to chill sometimes.
3. Women are conditioned to crave male validation since birth - This is not unique to women. Men get crushes, they catch feelings, and the inability to attract a female partner makes a man feel less than other men socially too, so there is some urgency for some men as I would expect there is going to be some urgency for some women too. Most of the time, women I have talked to over the years, including some that might fit into the "pick me" category by these standards, say they apply their makeup and try to look pretty not for men, but for the other women who care more about the nuance of makeup and hairstyles and will compliment each other when they think someone else looks nice. Aside from that, there are girl crazy boys and there are boy crazy girls and I don't think either of those things is necessarily problematic.
4. I also cringe when I hear the term "the Patriarchy" thrown in - So often I feel like I hear this term thrown around without any weight to it, as just another buzzword to prop up a feminist argument. It often feels like they just want an excuse to blame the patriarchy in order to make it sound like a bigger problem than it actually is. I could think of some places where that term would apply and make sense. A guy getting off with a short sentence in a rape case. The prevalence of Harvey Weinstein type figures in Hollywood getting away with terrible things for decades. Donald Trump for godsakes. Beauty pageants, while we're at it. If people were attributing those things to the patriarchy, I wouldn't mind it so much. But when it's attributed to much smaller, more arbitrary social things that could just as easily be explained away as "well that's just how some people are and it's not really hurting anyone that much" you kind of lose me. Sometimes it feels like just an anti-men piece of discourse rather than fair criticism.
The problem is that the term is used to mean two very different things. There are the actual pick me girls, who purposely do things differently from the cliché in order to be liked by men (throwing other women under the bus is optional). But there are also the pick me girls who are not pick me girls but are labelled as such by other women, especially when other women realize that the false pick me girl has as much dating success or even more than they do.
I think the pick me girl concept is a weapon conservative women wield because they feel threatened by the women who are successful without subscribing to the gender roles.
Example: I get called a pick me because I don’t consume extensions, falsies and acrylic nails, and use no makeup most days, merely because I ain’t got no time for that-and guys love it because it turns out they feel safer with you when you let them take an honest look at you and things are easier for them if a woman doesn’t overcomplicate things with all it takes to look “feminine” and “attractive.” I am not steering clear from foreign objects and makeup to make a point or to attract men, but the women who can’t leave the house without a full face of makeup can’t handle the fact that they spent an hour layering it on only to see the men they covet be more interested in a Plain Jane. So I get labelled as a pick me.
TL;DR: the pick me concept is the proverbial banana peel women place at other women’s feet to try to win. It’s the same kind of sorry attitude Tonya Harding displayed when she had Nancy Kerrigan’s knee broken.
I wrote a paper long ago and it was basically that early in the last century when cinema was new and empire building was beginning, films tended to enforce solidarity and communal problem resolution. After the fifties the problem became people were a little TOO communal and film began to be used to enforce social norms, and the question arises as to at what point 'enforcing social norms' becomes 'social control'. In reality MOST tend to be wish fulfilment and focuse on the problems of the most popular kids choosing between one another. In reality certainly in my day any girl would would have sex would instantly become a 'pick me' girl to virtually everybody in eyeshot. They could say "i'm a tomboy' and the response would be "so?" or "does that mean you do it with girls too?" They could say "I'm a girly girl" and the response would be "so?" or "does that mean ...censored".
All I can say to any younger women is that after high school I had several girls say they had crushes on me and I had NO clue. And whether they were a tomboy, girly girl, amputee, trekkie, goth, hell or gay experimenting I wouldn't have cared. I was simply clueless.
MOST young adult movies are about pitching romance as a 'battle', as mentioned its about the patriarchy and keeping women from 'unionizing', and thats similar with men and boys where there is a pecking order and according to Hollywood a whole concrete social organization that can't be reformed.
It’s pretty ironic that Kendal is a whole pick me when she is literally a (bad) RUNWAY MODEL.
People criticize people and social media for following trends and having the same personality and stuff but then will criticize anyone who even tries to step out of the tiny box and they call them pick me’s like is it so wrong to want to be different from other girls or unique as long as your not hurting or putting down others, “pick me” used to be a word to describe girls who put down other girls for male attention, but it lost its meaning after now everything a girl says and does differently is “pick me”
"we compete with other women for our own self-esteem" that's the realest thing i've ever heard, it blew my mind
Nobody likes being dragged down from the top
Although you got all the points right it doesn't take into account the human psyche to not desire a power change when a person is in advantage
Taking me as an Example, As a Man i do feel progressive and supportive to see this being promoted but still at the back of my mind i feel a little threatened. Might be the Environment i grew up in but the existence of advantage being taken away leaves a sour taste in my mouth even if it isn't right of me. Overall It's a Great Video Essay
But Kendall jenner IS a pick me...she is one of the best examples of this
yeah I see where you're coming from! there's just times she's called a pick me for doing non-pick me things (ie just saying "I like basketball") :)
@@MaiaCVideos I think the reason for that is because many people know that one of the reason why she keeps talking about these non feminine habits is to differentiate herself from her family. Like even when KUWTK was ending and they had their whole interview she had to bring up how she’s a tomboy while the rest of her sisters are into glam (meanwhile she’s a model which is all about glam). She brings it up again and again, almost like she’s making herself believe it.
@@harasmuji3585 Exactly
6:20 I don’t remember that in the office
Socialized to desire male approval, competing with others for esteem
I think it’s thrown around way too much. Actual pick me behaviour is usually quite extreme, or appears extreme as it’s some kind of grift. I see the term used just because a girl has a guy best friend, or because she doesn’t personally identify as a feminist in the modern sense (3rd-4th wave). That isn’t a pick me. Also, if someone has been “picked” a long time ago, I don’t see how that person is a pick me? Also the fact it’s on directed at women. Trust me there are male pick mes. They usually shout about how “alpha” they are constantly, or they are the typical ‘nice guy’. Most nice guys/girls are automatically pick mes. Not being able to take rejection is pick me behaviour.
In some level the pick me girl is a normal girl with other interest BUT the extreme makes it become ridiculous! Is normal to like other things and seek approval from people you like the problem is more on how the pick me acts like she’s THE BETTER GIRL, that’s just her own ego trying to hurt other in order to suit her own.
This girl I was seeing called Courtney Ryan a pick me girl. Just cause she talked about why men select for certain things. At least in average
I love when women make videos complaining about other women for the choices they make
I think there are a lot of cases where criticism shouldn’t be directed at the pick me girl herself, but it should be directed at the patriarchy. But there are also other cases where the girl is so mean that the criticism should be directed at her 😅
2:00 this, when you realize what you are doing and why, it hurts
Great analysis. But could barely hear a thing without headphones.
thanks, sorry about the audio issues!
as you get older you realize that balance is important. Being multi layered like enjoying dressing up but also being laid back about getting messy and being active is good, because of the flexibility. Doing more things just makes for a CHANCE to be a more interesting person, but it doesn't make you better person than someone who doesn't and it doesn't mean you'll get "the guy" you still need to be a good person, and honestly it comes down to each person's preference in a partner
So,she's not a crazy matriarch then?😁
need to get a limiter or compressor on the audio; it's really quiet.
Being so quick to label does not help our society at all.
It important to also admit that women overly judgmental of each other even more then men are especially since being part of a group/unit is very important to us
This is the one thing that makes me proud of myself. I used to be pick me girl so much. In my late teens, I was a bit on the alternative side and I remember making fun of other girls that were more into traditional feminine stuff. But then I realized, probably thanks to social media, that this behaviour is not right and if anything I should be supporting other women no matter what things they enjoy. It is amazing that we talk about these things because I can see that women from older generations are still in this vicious circle of hating other women just for male validation.
that's great to hear!! thanks for watching :)
what if i put down men for female validation
Pick Me includes a level of desperation not addressed in this video
Possibly stems from her accepting that the Patriarchy is never going away and that to succeed in life and to become the best she could ever be she has to play the game and be the best loyal assistant to the biggest misogynists.
♥️
Meredith said pick me, but she wasn’t a pick me girl >=[
Basically female version of simp
2:42 🙄
Like whatever you want, your preferences aren't supposed even align together, just don't put other women or even other genders down to justify them. And that trait excludes the 'pick me community'
omg i just realised that i’m myself a pick me girl
I don’t agree with your use of "Internalized Misogyny."
It’s a lazy attempt to discredit women with traditional ideologies and political viewpoints. The problem with modern day feminism is that every woman has a voice until that voice goes against typical liberal status quo. Then suddenly she’s a “pick me girl” doing it all for the validation and attention of men. It’s easier to discredit women who have sound mind enough to think for themselves than to actually address them. A woman who is happy and content with being a mother and housewife does not make her worthy of progressive scrutiny and scoffing at women for having moral family values is not true feminism.
True, I've seen conservative girls get called pick mes for no reason other than the fact that they are conservative. Ironically, the people saying that are sexist themselves because they are saying that women can't think for themselves, the oldest stereotype in the book.
did you watch the video in its entirety?
Two words: Jennifer Lawrence
It's really weird not liking "feminine" things and not being seen as a pick me, really
This is a good video, but you don't explain what the movies you show here has to do with the pick me girl or NLOG trope. That wouldn't been really good to know.
It’s fine to not like makeup and girly things as long as you don’t shame others that do
Misogyny blah blah patriarchy. She just doesn’t like the negative aspects of femininity being exposed.
you can do that without putting other women down like this isn’t a hard concept to understand
@@onlinebri444 Showing a range of feminine character is not putting women down. Women aren’t perfect.
@@Wondwind now who said that? you’re making up people to be upset at…
clearly the literacy rate on this app is very low
Right.
5:18 and are beautiful.
Okay but that Kendall video is very pick me
Let’s not forget the fact that the term “pick me” came from AAVE (African American Vernacular English). Many terms that enter the zeitgeist are borne from Black culture, but these words and phrases are rarely attributed to the source.
Oh yeah that's a very important point to raise, thank you!
"Pick me girl" is just another way of saying Attention Seeker which is all ladies. This "pick me" label is just a buzzword zoomer girls use to pretend they arent as hypergamous as their peers 😎
Another old timey trans Atlantic(fake language by the way) term that was blaccented 80 years later by someone who may or may not be black, but a few black people used it on Twitter to shit on white girls that date basketball players. Sure not racist or misogynistic at all. I’m sure some 16th white guy is to blame here.
Yes AAVE, like bougie, the word exist in the 19th century long before AAVE was an “appropriation” source.
“Internalized misogyny”? 🤦🏼♂️ oh dear gawd
And yet you have a channel like The Take who just dropped a video admitting women love chaos and should embrace living a chaotic existence. The comment section is filled with women screaming HELL YEAH CHAOS!!!
Now, what about all of the women who hate chaos and cannot stand being around these chaotic sh** starters? Are you seriously going to say that it's misogynistic to call out this foolishness? Nah. Calling out these head cases isn't sexism, it's common sense. Most of the time when women are insulting other women it's because of bs rhetoric like what The Take spews - a bunch of harmful messages aimed at keeping men and women in this ridiculous gender war. There are many women who are fed up with it and hold other women accountable for their love of drama and anarchy.
Ugh the boy is mine…shan’t be tainted
yes to everything in this video, but candle jenner is a pick me girl.
Where's the lie at "2:44"?
Being friends with men brings with it a specific set of problems of course but if one were to be a victim of typical woman things, what's wrong in pointing it out?
Yeah you're right that, without context, the statement can technically be correct-but my point in this video is how statements like this are used by women to distance themselves from typical femininity for male approval :)
@@MaiaCVideos I do agree with your points in this video but how would this particular phrase about women being drama and hence one choosing male friendships over female ones be someone distancing themselves from "typical femininity"?
@@starlightwhispers6781 They’re putting down other women to make themselves look like the “cool girl” and if you don’t see the issue you’re being purposely obtuse. Nobody is saying you can’t have guy friends, but don’t insult your entire gender to give yourself a brownie point.
@@michellek4349 It doesn't look cool, not in the least but if someone genuinely has had an issue, people should listen. Pushing it under the rug is inviting in the very thing we're trying to avoid
The issue isn't about whether or not a guy friend exists, it's about choosing to be around guys than girls because of drama
I didn't directly insult an entire gender and kudos for assuming mine. It actually looks like you've personally been victim to this sort of so-called 'pick me' and are on a tirade to bring down any argument, even if there's sense behind it
I feel bad for any guy that ends up dating a female from this comment section, jesus
I mean this video is criticizing women that are Tom boys, not all women have to have women friends, it’s okay to be a masculine women that dislikes women. If men disliked men we’d say they’re feminists and like them… so if women don’t like women that’s okay too.
Is this what used to be called ‘daddy issues’ (cringe) now?
Or am I totally off?
Neat video 👍
hm, might be? not sure :)
thanks for watching!!
No I think daddy issues is when you are very promiscuous and are constantly seeking male validation because you have issues in the relationship with your father. Or at least that's what I think it means.
Although I guess it could overlap with the seeking male validation part, but pick me girls aren't necessarily promiscuous or have a bad relationship with their father.