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I think it’s funny that most discussions about DAs assume the partner was anxiously attached. I was not. It’s actually hard to understand being blindsided. And working together is also strange. They simply don’t want to work because they have no concept of their behavior. They know how to whip things around. I walked away. There was no option.
As a FA who leans heavily DA it took me a whole year to experience the boomerang affect. My ex wasn’t secure he was anxiously attached and I was super relieved when the relationship ended!
There are ex's I never missed. Just a stone hanging from my back, and glad to be rid of it... If there is objectively little positivity to grief than that's just how it is.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
My husband and I just separated after 21 years together. We got together when we were 16, and it’s always been a push pull dynamic. He’s a dismissive avoidant and I’m anxious & fearful. He wants to break the cycle of us not being able to communicate effectively because I shut down when I get criticized and refuse to hear him, then the problems get brushed under the rug and he feels like he’s bottling everything up to the point he said he’s no longer in love with me anymore. I need help. I don’t know what to do to fix things but to just let go.
It may seem like a small point but the language used in these kind of videos is unhelpful. Attachment avoidance is something people have, not are. They are not 'an avoidant' or a non-avoidant. It's an aspect that every person has to some degree and it's on a sliding scale, not a 'style'. We just have a collective desire to categorise things, people.
People vary greatly due to hundreds of factors, of which degree of attachment avoidance is just one. Don't get stuck in a loop trying to 'work them out' by watching videos on UA-cam. Just talk with them. Sensitively, gently, be brave and ask the questions that give you the information you need to know if you're on the same page and want the same things. And accept their response. The only person that can give you this information is them.
I liked the story about Mike's Dad going to the track! Because I feel like I grew up with this weird norm of dads trying to sneak their private space and moms nagging them to stop it. Can we agree this was unhealthy? If Mike's Dad wanted to go to the track sometimes (with no gambling problem), shouldn't his wife have been more chill about it? I know every couple needs to negotiate their own boundaries, but I've totally lived through that problem of a partner being way too controlling about my independent activities and it destroys relationships.
It was kind of strange to hear about the DA lying about where they were. I have a similar story, where I wouldn't tell where I was, even though it was as innocent as visiting my dad. The reason was that every time, I told my friend I was at my father's place, she would bring up how she never had met her parents. I felt I was ripping open a childhood wound, every time I was spending time with my dad, but me and my dad have gotten such a good relationship that I wouldn't stop seeing him, just to keep from ripping up that wound. So I would keep out of our conversations, when I was visiting my dad.
Oh my God the situation with the little white lies and the friends is spot on . I don't have an issue that you're going out to see your friends. But you have to leave the state to go see them . Is a call to know you got there safely, or that you got home safely too much to ask?
Yeah, if it's something major like that, I think everyone should know where you are going. Unfortunately, I dated a narcissist that wanted to know every detail of the friends I was going out with. And then, she would try and make up that I was with someone else... Anyway, not saying that you are a narcy, but, sometimes it's crazy
@@luisislas2162 lol she didn't see them often . But anytime she did some drama happen. ie; the person who drove would disappear. She says I'll be back round 9 and 1 am still no word. Lol but I'm controlling?
I mean... For me, sometimes it HAS been too much actually. Sometimes being forced to call just to say I am still OK feels like my partner forcing their way into something I am doing separately. Also remember many DAs are not actually the slightest bit anxious about life, so as a factual matter it feels like - of course I am OK, I have always been OK, I always will be OK, JFC this is so dumb that you make me check in that I am still OK, what a frustrating waste of time. (I know that is unkind, but I am trying to describe what it can feel like for the other side! I'm sure having someone worry about you is supposed to feel sweet, but sometimes it can be such a burden. Relax - everything is always fine.)
@@MilesIncognito the problem is is no everything is not always fine. Growing up around doctors nurses EMTs and firefighters I can tell you lots of things happen every day. What we're asking for is simple consideration. If that's too much to ask. Then you're the problem
PLEASE ADVISE! What do you say about breaking up with a DA?! Need to have a conversation this week ! I have so much love for him and I’ve seen a lot of growth and awareness happening , but I just can’t keep staying where my needs aren’t being met, we’ve always tried and he may one day get there but I can’t keep staying-too much gap for me. Not sure if I’m open to return to friends down road but want to keep it on good terms and also speak my truth. Any advise /tips please ?
Before you start the convo, step around his triggers. Make him feel appreciated, acknowledge the work he has been doing. Get him out of the defense mode, otherwise the convo will feel like an attack and he will just shut down. Express your needs in a clear way. tell him how you feel about certain situations. DON'T blame! (You don't do this, you never do that, ...). Come up with solutions (clear IKEA instructions) on how you want him to meet your needs. Set a time limit. If you don't see any improvement, you need to leave. You also have to realize that the love you have for him and he for you might just not be enough. It's how you show up for each other.
@@SuperEmmit123 the previous commenter has great advice how to lead a conversation towards resolution. If you have not given this a try, its worth it. In a break up situation you essentially also want to implement that advice. I broke up with mine by first acknowledging that I understand his career, finance and space to achieve his other goals like xyz are important, but I want to spend these prime years of my life with an amazing man who wholeheartedly chooses me. I then told him what this looks like. I said, if this is not you, I can respect that. It will break my heart but at least I have clarity. He then had a predictable avoidant reaction to which I answered we should go our separate ways to focus on our own priorities. We followed this up with multiple conversations to create a deep mutual understanding. However, that didn't lead to a satisfactory solution, so I pressed on to separate from each other. I told him I will not be his friend, because I want to make space for the future connection where I can align with a man, and I wouldn't be able to focus on that if I cannot move on properly. I made no promises to soften the blow or whatever, because I didn't want to create false hope.
agree with the first two replies. DA will respect you looking out for your own needs, and will vastly prefer that to direct criticism. You only get one life, and you owe it to yourself to see if there might be a better & easier relationship out there. Leaving the door open to the future seems like the tricky part. Can you describe (to him) what that looks like for you? Are you in a social group where you'll continue to bump into each other, or will you have to deliberately stay in touch (or not)? Are you just downgrading to non-monogamous status but still hooking up?
I’m a little disturbed. I pay UA-cam monthly to not have to listen to commercials and ads and now we have to listen to them in these videos. I might have to find a new channel. 🤦🏾♀️
Get personalized courses, live webinars & Q&As, and more for free at The Personal Development School for 7 days!
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/dream-life?QsYwFOJyQ&el=youtube
I think it’s funny that most discussions about DAs assume the partner was anxiously attached. I was not. It’s actually hard to understand being blindsided. And working together is also strange. They simply don’t want to work because they have no concept of their behavior. They know how to whip things around. I walked away. There was no option.
It seems not matter the attachment style there is no escaping doing your deep inner work consistently. Healing is non negotiable.
True to that. Healing is a choice to a better life. ❤
As a FA who leans heavily DA it took me a whole year to experience the boomerang affect. My ex wasn’t secure he was anxiously attached and I was super relieved when the relationship ended!
There are ex's I never missed. Just a stone hanging from my back, and glad to be rid of it... If there is objectively little positivity to grief than that's just how it is.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
So avoidants avoid themselves too.😮
Maybe not themselves but their feelings. 😂
My husband and I just separated after 21 years together. We got together when we were 16, and it’s always been a push pull dynamic. He’s a dismissive avoidant and I’m anxious & fearful. He wants to break the cycle of us not being able to communicate effectively because I shut down when I get criticized and refuse to hear him, then the problems get brushed under the rug and he feels like he’s bottling everything up to the point he said he’s no longer in love with me anymore. I need help. I don’t know what to do to fix things but to just let go.
I don’t understand how someone can be this self aware and still act childish. Why?
It may seem like a small point but the language used in these kind of videos is unhelpful. Attachment avoidance is something people have, not are. They are not 'an avoidant' or a non-avoidant. It's an aspect that every person has to some degree and it's on a sliding scale, not a 'style'. We just have a collective desire to categorise things, people.
People vary greatly due to hundreds of factors, of which degree of attachment avoidance is just one. Don't get stuck in a loop trying to 'work them out' by watching videos on UA-cam. Just talk with them. Sensitively, gently, be brave and ask the questions that give you the information you need to know if you're on the same page and want the same things. And accept their response. The only person that can give you this information is them.
We respect and care about you Thais 😊❤️🙏
I liked the story about Mike's Dad going to the track! Because I feel like I grew up with this weird norm of dads trying to sneak their private space and moms nagging them to stop it. Can we agree this was unhealthy? If Mike's Dad wanted to go to the track sometimes (with no gambling problem), shouldn't his wife have been more chill about it?
I know every couple needs to negotiate their own boundaries, but I've totally lived through that problem of a partner being way too controlling about my independent activities and it destroys relationships.
It was kind of strange to hear about the DA lying about where they were. I have a similar story, where I wouldn't tell where I was, even though it was as innocent as visiting my dad. The reason was that every time, I told my friend I was at my father's place, she would bring up how she never had met her parents. I felt I was ripping open a childhood wound, every time I was spending time with my dad, but me and my dad have gotten such a good relationship that I wouldn't stop seeing him, just to keep from ripping up that wound. So I would keep out of our conversations, when I was visiting my dad.
Oh my God the situation with the little white lies and the friends is spot on . I don't have an issue that you're going out to see your friends. But you have to leave the state to go see them . Is a call to know you got there safely, or that you got home safely too much to ask?
Yeah, if it's something major like that, I think everyone should know where you are going. Unfortunately, I dated a narcissist that wanted to know every detail of the friends I was going out with. And then, she would try and make up that I was with someone else...
Anyway, not saying that you are a narcy, but, sometimes it's crazy
@@luisislas2162 lol she didn't see them often . But anytime she did some drama happen. ie; the person who drove would disappear. She says I'll be back round 9 and 1 am still no word. Lol but I'm controlling?
I mean... For me, sometimes it HAS been too much actually. Sometimes being forced to call just to say I am still OK feels like my partner forcing their way into something I am doing separately.
Also remember many DAs are not actually the slightest bit anxious about life, so as a factual matter it feels like - of course I am OK, I have always been OK, I always will be OK, JFC this is so dumb that you make me check in that I am still OK, what a frustrating waste of time.
(I know that is unkind, but I am trying to describe what it can feel like for the other side! I'm sure having someone worry about you is supposed to feel sweet, but sometimes it can be such a burden. Relax - everything is always fine.)
@@MilesIncognito the problem is is no everything is not always fine. Growing up around doctors nurses EMTs and firefighters I can tell you lots of things happen every day. What we're asking for is simple consideration. If that's too much to ask. Then you're the problem
@@luisislas2162 the funny thing is I really didn't care what she was doing just as long as I know she got home safe
Id like to hear a convo about people with brain injuries.
A ton of these are from the perspectives of departure. Any experience with continuing to live together? Just curious on how that plays out as well.
PLEASE ADVISE! What do you say about breaking up with a DA?! Need to have a conversation this week ! I have so much love for him and I’ve seen a lot of growth and awareness happening , but I just can’t keep staying where my needs aren’t being met, we’ve always tried and he may one day get there but I can’t keep staying-too much gap for me. Not sure if I’m open to return to friends down road but want to keep it on good terms and also speak my truth. Any advise /tips please ?
Before you start the convo, step around his triggers. Make him feel appreciated, acknowledge the work he has been doing. Get him out of the defense mode, otherwise the convo will feel like an attack and he will just shut down. Express your needs in a clear way. tell him how you feel about certain situations. DON'T blame! (You don't do this, you never do that, ...). Come up with solutions (clear IKEA instructions) on how you want him to meet your needs. Set a time limit. If you don't see any improvement, you need to leave. You also have to realize that the love you have for him and he for you might just not be enough. It's how you show up for each other.
@@SuperEmmit123 the previous commenter has great advice how to lead a conversation towards resolution. If you have not given this a try, its worth it.
In a break up situation you essentially also want to implement that advice. I broke up with mine by first acknowledging that I understand his career, finance and space to achieve his other goals like xyz are important, but I want to spend these prime years of my life with an amazing man who wholeheartedly chooses me. I then told him what this looks like. I said, if this is not you, I can respect that. It will break my heart but at least I have clarity. He then had a predictable avoidant reaction to which I answered we should go our separate ways to focus on our own priorities. We followed this up with multiple conversations to create a deep mutual understanding. However, that didn't lead to a satisfactory solution, so I pressed on to separate from each other. I told him I will not be his friend, because I want to make space for the future connection where I can align with a man, and I wouldn't be able to focus on that if I cannot move on properly. I made no promises to soften the blow or whatever, because I didn't want to create false hope.
agree with the first two replies. DA will respect you looking out for your own needs, and will vastly prefer that to direct criticism. You only get one life, and you owe it to yourself to see if there might be a better & easier relationship out there.
Leaving the door open to the future seems like the tricky part. Can you describe (to him) what that looks like for you? Are you in a social group where you'll continue to bump into each other, or will you have to deliberately stay in touch (or not)? Are you just downgrading to non-monogamous status but still hooking up?
Thanks!
Great chat you two
As a DA I never lied. My FA partners always do. How strange.
I’m a little disturbed. I pay UA-cam monthly to not have to listen to commercials and ads and now we have to listen to them in these videos. I might have to find a new channel. 🤦🏾♀️
People expect way too much from other people. If you are a complete person, you shouldn't need someone else so desperately.
It's not "needing someone desperately ". It's basic relationship expectations, and development...progression.