Psychotic DATING ADVICE that changed my life.
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- Опубліковано 15 тра 2024
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00:00 - Intro
2:01 - how to not gaslight yourself
5:05 - SEX?!?
9:39 - start keeping files.
13:49 - thanks to Green Chef :)
15:37 - my only REGRET
19:28 - a hack to be yourself
23:28 - this is the truth.
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#datingadvice #washingtondc
My biggest dating regret is sitting around waiting for a text, missing out/declining other events while waiting for a response that usually came late or not at all.
Oo great callout. I do have a rule to never cancel plans just to make a date. Preserve and nourish your other sources or fulfillment in life
Sorry to hear that but the way... Can we be friends??
narcissistic people do this to keep you in the loop 🔁
Watch Margarita's video about anxious attachment if you still healing from this behaviour
For someone who does not see much future in dating, I understand. I have waited many times, when a lady said, "I will call". The calls almost always never came. That leads to lack of belief in almost anything people tell you. What you see originally is most often correct.
Recently saw a woman who started using "what's your most controversial opinion" as an opener in dating apps. HOOOLLLLLLLLYYYY crap did it weed out the walking red flags efficiently.
Pure genius!!!!
That is solid stuff!
This is the best idea
I love that....especially because I hate small talk and this is something that can open up a deeper conversation.
Great idea 😅
In my 50s. Honestly, if I had totally judged every book by it's cover I would have saved myself SO MUCH time and sorrow. If you think there might be something wrong with this person, YOU'RE RIGHT!! If you think right away this one is not going to be a good fit, YOU'RE RIGHT!! Giving everyone a chance is a huge waste of time. Be picky, even if it means you spend a lot of time alone. Alone is ok. Having time and space to yourself can be fulfilling. Let people in who can enhance that experience.
Same here, in my 50s. My first impressions of my exes were frighteningly accurate.
Yes I would like to tell you now Carolyn is correct I'm close to getting to 70 years old and I wish I had had this advice back when Nixon was president!!😅😅 Chick you rock!! But now I don't want to date I love my life I love myself and I don't want to freaking be a nursemaid to someone my age that's in a wheelchair😂😂😂😂
But I love hearing your advice and you're so effing funny!! You need your own TV show man I would totally dial into that ♥️💕😂
Yup it’s great advice, even if they are super gorgeous, there’s still gonna be a stain on that cover or an offensive title, or there will be pages ripped out. 👍🏻.
Yes, and not listen to dumb friends who guilt-trip you into 'don't be so fussy. Give him a go"...worst advice.
I have had a different experience. I am married to a man who I didn’t see as more than a friend for the first year of knowing him and working alongside him. People suggested we might be a good match and I thought ‘no way’. But the friendship eventually grew into more. He is utterly amazing and I couldn’t be happier to be married to him.
Keeping a file a.k.a. a dating journal, is very sane actually. It keeps you grounded in reality.
Super smart!!!
This is such a good idea, I wish someone had advocated that to me years ago!
I thought I was the only one who does this!!!! I love doing this because I know I’ll forget about all the bad he’s done so it’s very grounding when I come back to the file
And it’s fun!
journaling in general so good! For dating, it helps you document "microaggresions" someone has made against you, and helps you finally see a pattern in their behavior. It has definitly been enlighting to see what my past self wrote
I heard a psychologist say "Don't do anything physical with someone if you wouldn't talk to them about it" If it's too awkward to talk about, it will be mega rough to do/deal with the consequences together that could come from it.
Oh this is great I hadn’t heard that
Such smart advice!
That’s Jordan Peterson
So true and wise.
haha i think i know that psychologist
Everyone say thank you, Caroline.
well she's also saying that sex means nothing, unless im misinterpreting
Ah interesting. You are misinterpreting, yes
@@Caroline_Winkler / Get em, Caroline!
@@doop445I think the intent was to not let other people or general norms define when or how soon is appropriate. However there was the one line about “do it with whoever and whenever you want” which could definitely be construed the way you mentioned, but given the context of the few minutes before that I don’t (personally) think it was
@doop445 I believe what she’s saying is that everyone is in charge of their own body and what they do with it. However, if you want to make sure the person you’re dating is interested in you for more than just your body then it wouldn’t be a bad idea to wait things out until you develop an emotional connection with that person before a physical one. Pretty sound advice to me
Anytime a woman says she has dating advice on the internet, I LISTEN. I've literally only had 1 toxic guy in my life, everyone else was a sea of roses to deal with, precisely because of this. Listen to our online sisters.
Yessss
More than likely it is because you are NOT looking for problems...90% of women spend 90% of the date LOOKING FOR PROBLEMS instead of enjoying the evening
Yess, but only in certain bubbles😅
The internet has some dark corners...
My mom always says “put the p*ssy on the pedestal” but I think “stop inviting them to the beach house” is a new winner😂😂😂 i love it!! You’re the best!
Mom is the real winner here 😂😂😂😂
@@DiamondsRexpensive 😂😂😭 I’m on the phone with her rn and she just got a kick out of that lmao
I super love your mom!!
😂😂❤
Hah! That's what I always said, and did...and I'm just coming 'round to the realisation that while that has been *super*sexy and satisfying to me - it was flawed for finding a good match/lasting relationship - but that's because I've been ignorant and gaslit myself - a lot!
I am officially adopting “invite to the beach house” as my euphemism for…kissing.
😇💋
Good one
And perhaps I might add . . . "My beach house brings all the boys to yard"🎶🎶🎶😜
@@livnicole9550steady now
a double euphemism
Keeping a File: transactional, corporate, impersonal
Keeping a Dossier: provocative, sexy, mysterious
Keeping a Diary: thoughtful, introspective, self-reflective...
It is primarily about *us* after all. As a same person can make someone else feel differently.
I like her idea, as we should pay attention and make noting of it, specifically, a habit,
Except the framing of it as something bad, and in ableist terms.
Real talk: what is a dossier vs. a file? /files is it like a notebook?
Okay it's a file. Cool. It's just a file. This is why people create drama in the government/how.
It's a report. Essay with references.
Time is an investment/relationships. Your time, life. What do you invest in?
I feel like the best way to deal with rejection is to realise nothing has changed and you can keep living your life the way you were before. You lose nothing, all you lost was potential which is imaginary.
that’s a nice way to see it.
and it’s true.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who literally experiences my brain disappearing when speaking to someone I find attractive
IT'S SO VERY FEW AND FAR BETWEEN... WHEN I SEE A HOT DUDE I START TALKING BACKWARDS AND SPEAKING IN TONGUES😂😂😂😂😮😮😮😮
@@EMERALDJAYNE And what when You see a Supermodel Hot of a Man that is also Your type but somewhat mysterious?
Hm, when I crush on beautiful women I lose all my intelligence. Rules I have I break, etc, it’s literally a reset of myself haha.
😮😮
Hey I admire your thoughts 💬 Can we be friends?
"Everything about guys is already there in the beginning" -- I can confirm that this is 100% true.
I think that's pretty invalidating to all the women who were treated like royalty during the dating stage and then were abused after the I Do's. Happened to my mother and I believe her.
@@ravenswood118I see what you mean, but in my experience it’s there too. When I’ve gotten the feeling that “this is too good to be true, this is too much” I’ve often then just talked myself out of what I already knew. It’s not to invalidate that experience. I include myself in it. It’s more about learning to listen to yourself/myself
@@ravenswood118 I don't think the intention behind this advice is to invalidate anyone. In many cases, there are lots of red flags when it comes to someone who isn't compatible or just isn't good for you long-term. In my own life, I think I've given people the benefit of the doubt way too much, and I overlook their flaws because I care about them as a person. This can be even worse if it's a romantic situation because, well, love is blind is a saying for a reason. I know that hindsight is 20/20, but not noticing the red flags and being too lenient with people in general has caused me a lot of unnecessary emotional suffering. I think that's basically what Caroline is trying to speak to when she said that.
@@ravenswood118 Being treated like royalty is the first red flag, seriously.
@@fleabitz1474 That's easy to say now that everyone online and their gardener talk about "love bombing." But if you're just going about your life, and you meet a nice guy who tells you you're beautiful and smart and everything he's ever wanted and he wants to spend his life with you, you're not going to say it's a red flag. You're going to enjoy it and think you've found love. I truly hope it doesn't happen to any of you.
idc what anyone says, i will always help book covers fulfill their life purpose by judging them
I miss when people were ashamed to say horrible sh-t
My hero ❤❤❤
for real, it's important to keep in mind that you *don't owe* anyone your time and attention. If you feel somehow uncomfortable, regardless of whether the reason is based on an actual thing the other person is to blame for or just bad luck or misunderstandings, you absolutely have the right to choose to not engage!!!!!!
Like, maybe it's not their fault you feel uncomfortable. But it's also not your fault. And it's not your responsibility to fix yourself feeling uncomfortable, you know
Idk, but I think people have always been mean to one another, we just have such a good record of it now on the internet the beforetimes look more civilized. We've always been apes beating up on each other.
I do wonder about how the size of a community influences how nice people: if you know everyone, you're less likely to call someone a #%$%^&*(&^%. People are moving from smaller towns to larger towns and cities as an overall trend, so maybe that does mean (for a certain group of people) that they are in fact able to look back on the good old days when people were nice, but I don't think there are that many who grew up in tiny villages where everyone knew everyone
#1 dating advice: don’t even attempt to date while in a bad head space. We attract with our energy and that energy will 100% bring a bad person into your life. Don’t think finding someone will make you better because I can 100% guarantee no stranger guy wants or cares to save some stranger girl. Seriously listen to this message: work on yourself, get yourself in a clear headspace because then you can be discerning and also have the self worth to know what is acceptable. Value yourself before you go looking for someone else to value you. Seriously there are bad people out there and when we are in a low place people take advantage. 😉🙏
Agree. I’m nearly out of a 32yr marriage to a narc with all sorts of problems. I’ve been working on myself for 6yrs and can’t believe how much I’ve changed. While I’ll always be learning, healing and growing, I want to have firm boundaries in place to give the best of myself to the right person. Learning all the red flags has been life changing. Knowledge is power. Good luck to all.
@@fionaschiffl8065 I am sorry that happened to you. You’re so lucky to be free from that kind of mental distress. Believe me I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to be manipulated. It’s so sad because now I know the difference but those relationships really do a number on a person. They’re almost impossible to get free from unless they decide they’re done with a person and then they will still try to ruin a person. 😢
Mostly agree but sometimes people in a great place attract losers because great catches just attract everyone. I don't want someone reading this to think there is something wrong with them because their ex was a jerk.
@@ashtynrose1906very true
That's a whole fact!!! Dating in a bad headspace can have unintended consequences
For me, what helped was to expand my hobbies. I realized that I was actively meeting people who I didn’t align with in any way. I started volunteering in places that I valued. I met my husband while doing volunteering.I personally also find traveling helps me. I have so many girlfriends who complain about meeting no one or the same types but when I ask them about their lives they have a very fixed routine. Volunteering, traveling, joining organizations you align with and being open hearted can go a long way. How can we expect different results when we do the same things over and over again?
Good words.
So profound and so true! Thank you 😊
What sort of volunteer work did you and your husband do to meet?
What do you do if you truly can't change your routine, like there's only 24 hrs a day
I put my requirements into a dating app... everything I thought I wanted... 1 chap came up... my ex-husband. I laughed. I laughed a lot. So then I took out all the superficial crap like height, weight, eye colour etc and it came up with someone totally different. We've been together 10 years now. Don't get me wrong e drive each other doo-lally but we also laugh every day and he's kind. I worked out that was all that mattered. Kind and funny. Happy hunting everyone!
Please women, do this.
I’m tall. But so are my sisters, both 5’10” ish. So the “taller than me in heels” narrows the field significantly. One sister learned to ignore the criteria and has been dating a super smart, nice and respectful guy for +3 years. And he’s still an inch or two taller than her. The other sister is older and has struggled dating because the height thing is an immediate nonstarter.
“We laugh every day and he’s kind.” ❤ that sounds pretty wonderful
@@Caroline_Winkler he'll do...
It blows my mind to think women would prefer an eye color!! I'm glad removing that kind of stuff was successful for past-you, hell yeah girl! 🙌
@@ChuckThreeadvice for your sister: come to The Netherlands, so many tall men. 😅
The fact that I'm watching this even though happily married is a testament to the fact that I always know a Caroline video is going to be a good time no matter the topic.
SAME!!! 🥰
Same!
Same!!!
I'm happily married and have never been through the dating scene that is being discussed. And I will always watch and enjoy a Caroline video!
Girl, you rock! Love listening to you. You say it like it is, and I just love it 😂
Being very good at vetting people and identifiying the wrong ones kept me single for 28 years. But then when I my boyfriend (first and hopefully last), it was ALL green flags!!! The wait for the right person was frustrating but sooooo worth it.
nah i'm not denying my s**ual needs until age 28 it sounds like internalized s**ual shame/misogyny , but good for u tho u survived this lol
@@ranaamir-cl8kl girl you know you don't have to be in a ✨️relationship ✨️ in order to get laid, right?
girl u win , totally agree@@ArleynH
That's great to hear, I'm so happy for you.
@@alifeinspiredd thank you:)
Hell yes about record-keeping. I actually had a rubric - yes - a semi-algorithmic rubric on a spreadsheet because I needed to listen to the DATA, not my neediness. It kept me from gaslighting myself. It kept me from moving in with someone who was completely wrong - in my late forties! It then let me say yes to my now-husband. I’m 58 - we’ve been married six years now. Record keeping is a way of keeping in touch with your own true self and being honest and reflective about your dating relationships.
Um serious Q: can you share this rubric? For real. I’ll give you my email. Dating again after 18 years, eek
My record-keeping consists of showing my 5 sisters (in a group chat) screenshots of pre- first date conversation bits. 5 different perspectives, as well as my own, can't hurt.
@@Helen-jv9mq I cribbed it from a TEDX talk I found one time about using math to find a husband. It was hilarious but true story and it worked for her ua-cam.com/video/OF5VVrsnpzo/v-deo.htmlsi=-YZBT7YajT2ycpLn
I would also love this rubric! I love organizing my thoughts on paper (or a document) since I have ADHD and often forget how I feel about certain situations unless I am in that moment.@@Helen-jv9mq
Yes please share!
Thanks for letting me share these parts of my experience with you guys. I’ll admit it’s really hard to talk about dating on the internet - because it’s such a personal and fraught experience for all of us. What could be more sensitive than the ways we look for love. It sometimes feels hard to share about it online, but these lessons are things I wish someone had shared with me. My heart is in it and I hope it resonates with some.
And if it doesn’t, that makes sense too. I do ask that you do your best to share your perspectives and personal experiences below in a way that is respectful to me and the others here.
Appreciate you all ❤ Caroline
Thank you, all of this is really great advice. I really appreciate the biggest regret you had in dating, I completely feel the same way and I love the reminder! You’re such a badass! ❤️
Can I say I missed YOU! I was rewatching you all day yesterday , so thank YOU❤
I really appreciate it how you can be so very transparent on social media....it really takes guts. This video is really informative with a personal twist
I love that you are owning the behavior of "using the information on the book cover!" 👏👏👏
I think this is very much the same idea as one of my life mantras: "when people show you who they are, believe them." Thank you for your wisdom and humor. ❤
I am sure you did not have any bad intentions when you chose the title, but I must say that I did little gasp when I read it. As someone who struggles with psychotic symptoms, it surely is weird to hear you describe 'normal' human experiences with this word because psychosis is very much out of the ordinary. I understand that it is a word that has been thrown around so much that it, for many people, almost has lost it's heavy weight at this point - but it is still quite stigmatizing and slightly ableist.
I don't mean to make you feel 'called out' it front of an audience, and this is definitely not the biggest deal ever, but I do feel some kind of responsibility for saying something.
Anyway, I otherwise really enjoy your content and I hope you have a lovely day
Okay but the beach house analogy is so good. I feel like it’s kind of insane how many people aren’t in it for companionship, they’re just in it for a physical relationship.
I had a really bad depressive episode that has lasted multiple months and my partner was not invited to the beach house during that time and guess what? He still wanted to hang out with me and spend time with me and still showed me love.
So anyways he’s the one.
How did you get such a great guy? Any tips are much appreciated 🙏
So glad you havevsomeone supportive.
Poor guy, don't have any optipns. This is not what any men want, but some settle for this.
You are SO right about refraining from inviting them to the "beach house"!!! It sounds like the pendulum is finally starting to swing in the other direction with the new generation. I think more people are starting to realize that there is a reason to "wait".
I agree with you. I think things are changing for the newer generations and that’s a good thing
I thought she was saying that it doesn't matter but if you already invited them then have a period of not inviting them without it seeming weird. Just communicate about the desire to hang out outside ghat setting.
sounds like misogyny , seggs is not that serious y'all insecure enough to love double standards so bad
Seems to me all of this could be the best way of keeping women away from bad, controlling, and even dangerous situations.
keeping *people* away from bad....
@@DrgnTmrSirGawainshe said women
@@cherrypop4675 iknow. do you know why ? seems kinda weird to make it sound like only women are involved in bad, controlling, or dangerous situations..
@@DrgnTmrSirGawain you are right, not women only. But of all men killed it is less than 5 percent by their partner, and for all women killed it is over 30 percent by their partner. Roughly 70 women every month, in the US. Plus, the channel owner walks this earth as a woman, and she speaks of her personal experience. All in all it makes sense she says women and not people.
✌️
@@evadebruijn i love that this reply shut them up in a fact based way :)
Caroline, I'm 70 and way beyond dating but this is the best advice on dating I have ever seen. You are an old soul, my dear and I love everything about you. ❤
Unless you are in an amazing relationship already, some might say your 70s are the time when you can truly start dating without a care in the world and knowing yourself and what you want better than ever before in your life. Admittedly, never wanting to waste a second of your life in another date again might be exactly what you want, that's actually relatable too.
Incredibly sweet. I’m guessing it must be wild to hear some of the dating talk today, im glad you’re here
@@Caroline_Winkler I dated during Woodstock so nothing shocks me.😉
haha you're amazin!
I love you because you're apparently an inch shorter than me. 😁
Absolutely judge books by their covers. Not necessarily in physical looks or fashion choices, but in first impressions of the whole package - body language, mannerisms, interactions with others, etc. Trust your gut and make note of the "vibes". As Maya Angelou said, "When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them".
Absolutely 💯
That kind of advice, if why autistic people have a 8x suicide rate than normal people. When appearence are not on your side because you are born weird, everyone reject you at first sight.
Agree! And *also* I DO judge a man on his presentation and hygiene, because those are things I value. If the man has hair coming out of his ears, or he smells unwashed, or he didn't trim his moustache and it's getting into his mouth as he's eating, I guarantee he's not maintaining other areas, like exfoliating his skin or scrubbing his bathroom (and other "crevaces") adequately. Hard nope. Personal fashion style? Meh. That's mutable, and we all go through phases. But hygiene and presentability are big ones for me, and that can be sussed out rather quickly.
“… believe them the first time” completes the quote!
That only works if your instincts are accurately fine tuned. Instincts can be warped by many things.
I'm a sociologist, the research on sex in dating relationships is pretty close to what you said. High five for speaking up, as this is not "popular" information but it is sound and predicts LONG TERM happiness and a stable relationship.
I heard the other day and really loved it, “it’s not about whether or not you understand why did they what they did, it’s about how it makes you feel.”
FOR REAL! Caroline brought this up in the "are you overly empathetic??" section lol, and it so resonates. I can understand why everyone does most things, even when they're shitty or immature, there's always an element of "it's not their fault" that goes into defending the behavior. But in the end, you always have to face the "cause and effect reality" that... this behavior hurts you. And if the behavior doesn't change, it's gonna keep hurting you. No matter if it comes from a good place.
Yes, Matthew Hussey said, "You have your reasons, but I have my reality (impact)." Their reasons may be very good, but it still doesn't match what I'm looking for so I'm moving on.
Take your time. Many of us rushed into relationships/marriage and found ourselves lost twenty years later. I like the idea of audio messaging your thoughts before and after each date! Great advice to give yourself a 'gut check'.
“Take your time” is a huge and valuable piece that I should have included here! Agree ❤
Yeah, I agree - I got engaged after 2 weeks and was married within 3 months at 23. I really don’t know what I was thinking. 🤷🏻♀️
😢
I dated a narcissist recently. Awful human but man the initial dazzle was amazing. I had super weak boundaries and was very forgiving so I was the perfect target. He was never overt but the manipulation built up so slowly. You feel confused a lot and insecure but you can’t quite put your finger on why. He cared ALOT about impressing people like his life depended on it. Be careful of bad people out there ladies.
Did he have a formal diagnose of NPD or are you just making this up cause you're salty?
@@rv706 Look guys, found the narc.
@@rv706 are you him? 😂
Generally I'm really good at spotting gas lighting. But when someone is really good at it I initially feel very confused for no real reason this immediately tells me there's been gas lighting and just being aware brings me out of it.
Goooooooood advice
the problem with dating today is that you meet a new guy and you start to date him. Before, I think people knew each other or knew of (even better) each other and had years to observe each others behavior from a distance before they started dating. So you pretty much know who this guy really is because you've been observing him for years, if only vaguely. So dating him is new, but he is not a new person to you. Now you meet a new guy and you dont know who he is because you are only seeing the facade he presents to you and by the time the ugly truth comes out, you are too far in, you've wasted too much time and you thought you were in a decent relationship but you now are broken hearted.
So true...
Agree. This is why I prefer "mutual friends"
This is why you become friends first. Always. If you use dating apps, state on your profile “looking for friends ONLY” or “looking to get to know people in my area!”. Those explicit statements will limit those who have other intentions from interacting with your profile. It won’t fully limit weird people, but it will encourage those who have a similar approach to engage with you.
@@EstherDwomoh pffft. if you say on a dating app that you are looking for friends, you will gt no replies at all. and dating apps ar a bad idea all round. 30% of th men are already married and looking for side chicks and the rest are losers/weidos.
@@anastasia10017 that’s quite a negative attitude towards dating apps. I know that dating apps can be difficult, but you genuinely do not know if this method would work out for you unless you try.
If you truly believe that dating apps are inherently bad, you won’t put the effort needed to have good connections on said apps.
There’s a difference between a profile which barely responds to the prompts and has less than spectacular photos vs a profile with extended response to the prompts and engaging photos. Neither of these things guarantee a match, but I bet that people who are genuinely interested in being friends are more likely to swipe a profile in which the person actually expresses themselves vs. a barely filled out profile.
Additionally, don’t put everything into dating apps. Think of them like Amazon; sure, you consul search vast departments (different apps) looking for a particular product, but more often than not, you can also go in person for said product (ie. your local market or store). If you always “buy everything from Amazon”, you’ll lose out on “shopping in person”, which is a unique experience.
telling someone that youre waiting until marriage is perfect way to tell whos there for the love and long term family building vs just sex and draggging you along, NOT saying im judging people who dont do this, im just sharing my experience because im religious and its one of my favorite parts of being religious and dating to marry instead of just dating to date, i know its not common in todays age but i want to share to let young women know its fair to ask and want that if its what you choose!
you can date to marry without being religious, it’s not a religious thing. it’s just a personal choice.
As a guy who used online dating and isn't insane, this is fantastic advice. I like the note taking idea, it really helps you from focusing on one good moment with someone instead of the entire time with them.
Ah man im glad it feels helpful. Also appreciate you for “and isn’t insane” :)
Keeping notes is the realest advice, seriously! I can't tell you the number of times I have dismissed myself only to realize MONTHS later that the guy I was seeing just, wasn't it. It's way too easy to sweep those slight negative inclinations aside without realizing the number of times you've done so.
It really helped me! I think we all know how we feel but some of us are good at talking ourselves out of it. Taking notes helped me re-sharpen that skill
Every therapist i ever had said 'keep a journal!' easiest way to spot the patterns quickly and to prevent self-gaslighting. Also, the most important relationship in our lives is with ourselves :)
I’m a single father(widower) with two daughters and the younger one was in a relationship for 8 yrs. with a narcissist. She wouldn’t take her older sister’s advice or mine. Finally, she decided that she should be treated better so left him. Now, she’s saying that guys only want to hook up and that’s it! I shared your video and with her. Thanks!
At 19yrs old I started dating the narc who became my husband. I thought I was in love. I excused away his behaviour because I grew up with my mum making me be nice to my narc sister so I figured I had to do with him too. I didn’t know I had to ask myself if he showed me love or loved me. One sided relationships are not love. I surprised he didn’t ask for an annulment when I separated from him 32yrs later. It’s been so cool to educate myself, heal and put boundaries in place.
I am very proud of you!
You've got any partner now?
Just what I needed right now. I've been 2nd guessing my relationship over the smallest of small thing: him repeatedly hanging his coat on the "wrong" hooks. The thing isn't the action itself, everyone makes mistakes but the disrespect of hanging his coat in a place that risks destroying a antique mirror repeatedly. I've told him multiple times "Hey not there I'm concerned for the mirror" everytime he either gets mad or laughs at me and "jokingly" disrupts my apartment e.g. putting shoes on my countertops, putting a bag deliberately in the most inconvenient place etc. I'm extremely protective of my living space because of trauma and he knows this which just feels shitty and disrespectful
** edit: thanks for all the responses and kindness! After some hard deliberation I asked if we could talk and after that talk we are now broken up. I feel sad but also relief, so truly thank you all
It IS shitty and disrespectful!!
i feel like your gut is right about telling you his behavior is shitty + disrespectful
Girl, that sounds awful. Sending you love and validation ❤
Yeah, as a guy, I can assure you that’s a subversive power play. Some people are genuinely forgetful or generally less aware of what they are doing, but those people can admit fault and apologize.
But it is a two way street. There is such thing as too many or unreasonable expectations. But respecting personal property shouldn’t isn’t unreasonable.
It’s about compatibility. If been organize and tidy is part of your non-negotiable, then I will ditch him. If not, may be a keeper. Those are the tiny actions that tells a lot of toxic people.
You, Ma'am, are the fucking bravest person on the Internet, about as brave as most people could ever hope to become some day. The way you expose your innermost thoughts and feelings in absolute defiance and boldness for others to take Note from is so fucking inspiring. I truly think you have absolutely no idea how much this helps other people struggling with similar issues, or who are having a rough patch right now for whatever Reason (such as yours truly). Thanks for doing what you do, it means a lot more to probably tons more people than you think. Oh, and you are one funny b*tch to boot. Please don't ever change.
AGREED!!!!
Don’t know that I’ve earned this but I am VERY glad to hear some things resonate ❤❤
@@Caroline_WinklerYou’ve definitely earned this. You’re awesome!
I love this and second (or third or fourth) it wholeheartedly. And "You are one funny b***h to boot" is my kinda affirmation! 😂❤🎉
@jmaessen3531 haaaha SAME! If a compliment doesn't involve a curse word, I don't want it 🤣🤣
I love that you mentioned judging a book by its cover (and being open to changing your mind)! My parents have been divorced since I was 4 and my mom said 'what's wrong in the beginning is still what's wrong in the end'.
I am finding this to be true not just about people but with furniture, clothes, etc. Learning to go with your gut instinct is a skill that takes practice... And although I am in a 10+ year relationship, I am just starting to master this skill when it comes to dressing myself and decorating my home. After years of accepting other people's hand-me-downs and impulsive thrift store purchases, it feels good to wait for what excites me instead of always trying to make things work
I already have a partner, but the advice to "keep files" is kind of revelatory for me as someone who has trouble making friends as an adult. I've let friendships sputter along for way too long because I don't have a good sense of what I can reasonably expect from other people, not noticing that the most important feature of "doesn't make me feel like crap for no reason" is not consistently being met.
damn , stay safe girl
I was happily single 16 years after my divorce until my now husband came along. I didn't date in that time, I hung out with men like friends and went out in group settings first so I could observe them around other people. You can learn alot about people in this setting. For me, if you can be with someone as a friend first, you know that friendship will work in your relationship. When we started dating one on one, we did the dinners and all that stuff, which eventually lead to road trips. We learnt so much more about eachother during these trips than any dining out or movies can teach us. I also set boundaries and timeframe for moving forward, which was 2 years. On our second years, my husband proposed to me. We've been together for almost 6 years, married 4 and still very happy with our choice in eachother.
Friendship is so important-seems to work better for marriage, rather than a fantasy/crush. ❤
how could u handel denying ur human need for seggs and repressing yourself all these years after ur divorce ? any tips ?
I want to recommend Pete Walker's book about childhood trauma because if you can justify someone's shitty behavior, then you're 'fawning' which is survival response for someone who has perceived a threat. There is a lot of personal insight and tips about emotional regulation, that is key for anyone wanting any kind of a healthy relationship, ever! Happy reading :)
I love that book. Helped me so much ❤
Currently reading this book and it is magic!
@@jorj2nov same! Im so grateful my therapist shared it with me :)
I’ve read it, my therapist offered it to me. GREAT BOOK! *very triggering though
I second that emotion! More people need to know about his books!
Omg I first heard you say “keep a file” and I was like okay, weird. But I do exactly what you do just in my phone notes. Like I will write down things people say to me that didn’t sit right and I can’t gaslight myself or forget why I’m feeling terrible. Such good advice.
I completely agree with “stop inviting them to the beach house.”
I happened upon this a few months ago. It is an action that causes such clarity for you as it causes the other person to show their true perspective on “kisses.”
I’m curious about how people gauge the “true prospective” that you are likely to find. Is it bad for a man to want “kisses”?
@@alanjones8573women try to retroactively use it as a control tactic, instead of viewing kisses in a healthy way.
I’m so happy to hear you’re in a relationship with a nice guy! You deserve the world ❤️
Thanks friend ❤
She called him a good boy, so belittling language, will it last i wonder 🤔
@@janco333i imagine he is a secure and competent enough guy that he probably isn’t threatened by a significant other being silly or coy. You would have to be pretty insecure to find that comment belittling
@@Grace-es9fc dont get blinded by the charm, abusive people start with little backhanded silly jokes, then it escalates from there slowly over time.
I'm MUCH older than Caroline, but I agree with this advice. I spent years on one particular 'wrong guy' and when I look back to our FIRST date, he didn't ask me any questions about myself and flirted intensely with our waitress. That should have been my red flag right there but I spent several years making excuses for his bad boyfriend behavior!
never making excuses for a male again , they r adult enough to know what they r doing
I am a 52-year-old woman and this is the best dating advice I’ve ever heard. Well done, Caroline.
She's good
I’m going to turn 34 soon. I never experienced any kind of romantic contact through my life and due to that I feel so lonely. I never had a hug, a date, a kiss, or something as a relationship. The depressing part is that I put myself out there: I asked women out, I signed up on dating sites or joined new groups to meet new people. But every girl rejected me before I had something as a date. More and more I think it is due to my disability (Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder) I am suffering from. It seems that whenever I tell women, I only work minimum wage jobs, they seem to be less interested in me. Once a woman even told me, I am a loser for working as a dishwasher.
The older I get, the more depressed I have become. It feels devasting going though life without any kind of intimacy, being rejected over and over again, being told you are not even good enough to get on a date with…I mean what should I do, if I can't even date?
Love doesn't exist.... It's all a lie don't fall for it
Love does exist.
I am sorry for your loneliness.
I don’t have a solution for you, but I want you to know that you matter, and your life matters.
I’m sorry you are going through a rough time!
I recommend volunteering for a cause that you’re interested in. You’ll make friends and gain interesting experiences - both of which can help you connect with others romantically. Don’t give up!
The ones who didn’t accept simply weren’t the ones for you. The right ones are out there. Don’t put love and chance on a timeline - just optimize your life experiences and be open to possibility.
I’m sorry you are going through a rough time!
I recommend volunteering for a cause that you’re interested in. You’ll make friends and gain interesting experiences - both of which can help you connect with others romantically. Don’t give up!
The ones who didn’t accept simply weren’t the ones for you. The right ones are out there. Don’t put love and chance on a timeline - just optimize your life experiences and be open to possibility.
"It feels devasting going though life without any kind of intimacy"
It does, it is painfull.
Your comment touches me so i would like to put somes words here, hopefully you could find smthing plaisant in it.
I'm sure that is possible to share love elsewhere than in the romantic relationship / sex, our westeners societies are obsess with sex (and codifiing relations : friendship / romantic / etc) but connection and intimacy can exist everywhere, it's on us to find new patterns for love, each relation is unique (and we are a lot on people on this planet, with a lot of ways to experience life and love). So please don't expect romantic relationships with women to totally fullfill your need for love (i'm also talking to me right now..). I know that you probably think that you are passing by a huge thing in life, and you are, i'm not gonna deny it, but life can be so much things, and a lot of people lives in so much differents situations, experiences so much differents joys and sorrows, there is no such thing as a "normal" life, everyone stuggle in a different way, some ppl clearly more than others. And i deeply think that it's a risk to expect ppl (or exteriors sources) to bring you happines, we the human kind are always bored / unsatisfyed at some point, happines / satisfaction to live must be find in ourselves (still also talking to me with this...).
Wish you the best in life, sorry for my english.
I raised 4 daughters and you are right on and amazing. I really like the way you communicate. Every young woman should hear this. ❤
I know it’s not the perspective that everyone needs to hear, but it’s certainly stuff that helped me. I hope it helps them!❤
I'm an old bag and still needed to hear this advice 😊
completely relate to being unnaturally fixated on someone and them consuming your every thought then when they dump you a metaphorical fog lifts and you aren’t even upset because you immediately realize you didn’t even like them
i was assaulted by a boyfriend in the past and a rule i follow now when dating men is no *kissing* until they know about my history with SA. it’s actually a really good way to weed out those who are willing to respect me and my body. any time they don’t show support or concern, it’s my cue to show them the door! the right guy will not be upset or threatened by you asking them to wait. period.
The whole keeping a file/ track of how you feel is also incredibly useful for breakups. I stayed with my husband for years, and justified it because I love him, even though I was unhappy and unfulfilled. I started keeping track of how often we fight and how often I felt miserable about the relationship, and that made me decide to finally leave. So if you doubt a relationship, start keeping track of how often it brings you joy/ sadness, it can seriously ground you in the reality.
The documentation suggestion is absolutely PRICELESS. I think most of us struggle with trusting our institution/gut and believe what we want to believe not what is actually in front of us.
A guy just broke up with me in text 30 minutes ago and now this is recommended to me. The timing. :,)
I so agree with your take on "kissing" being a crutch for intimacy. I had a strong intuition when I was first dating my now-fiancé that we should wait longer than we really wanted to do the "kissing". In the end, it all still took off relatively quickly, BUT it was after we had built very deep and genuine emotional intimacy. It wasn't about a number of dates or weeks/months, it was about waiting to feel very safe and comfortable. Worked for us!
My husband couldn’t understand why I watched this topic as we are happily married. But the point is, these tips are specific to dating but they (other than the kissing!) are relevant to friendships too. Often I’ve needed to listen to my intuition, gut feel and read my files more. Well done for covering this so well and comedically too.
Caroline, only a narcissist would tell you that you're 'overthinking it'
👆❤
...also desperate people who are scared to death of being alone so they tell themselves that nonsense advice that almost everyone gives - that it's basically ok if love doesn't feel like love. Oh they don't say it that way, but that's the BS they tell themselves so that they don't have to own the fact that they settled. And even if they settled for a nice guy or gal, it just is not what they want in their heart. I'll take crappy truth over pretty lies any day. If you don't believe in the good stuff, you will fill that position with whoever is there, and you won't get the good stuff, guaranteed. If you want to possibly find it, you have to be willing to possibly never get it. That's the reason most people don't have the balls to stay single til they find someone worth giving up being single for.
Hell yes. Was married to a narc for 32yrs. They tell you what to think of yourself and everything else every day.
“You’re overthinking that” is so disrespectful, unless it’s coming from someone who knows you really really well and is familiar with when you ARE overthinking :-) Someone new? They probably just want the beach house. 🤣
Whatever, she is overthinking with an half hour list of right and wrong, but, if, shoulda and coulda. When do you live and have fun?
Love the negative affirmations advice “they’ve already broken up with you” lol.
I’ve always hated the “just be yourself” advice as well. Sounds very similar to when people say “you’re great don’t worry so much” or “oh just stop thinking about them” or “you’ll be fine”. It’s not helpful to me because frankly, being yourself on a first date is HARD. Everyone wants to be liked and everyone has insecurities.
100%. Telling someone to NOT feel some way is unfortunately a little inactionable. “Don’t worry don’t stress”….it’s much more helpful to me personally to have something to actively do, actively focus on
It's also not healthy to be so open to a stranger on first meeting them. "Just be yourself" is kinda vague advice.
Being authentic is very rewarding when you consistently practice it. Being authentic to yourself should be more valuable then the possibility someone might reject you. Eventually they will get to know you if not on the first date and if they would reject on the first date while being authentic then they will eventually dump you after time and effort had been invested which would feel worse. Being authentic take courage not heart. Courage can be practised. No one is brave if they did something courageous without feeling fear. In feeling fear yet still doing it is truly brave.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldn't just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counsellor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counsellor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is *Shelly renee white* , and she is a great spiritual counsellor who can bring back your ex
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
@@allanmartinez7535 don't trust him, it doesn't work.
Beyond dating, this is such a beautiful video about trusting yourself. ❤
Pp pop ppppppppl pop op
Some advice that I heard recently that really helped my perceptive is rejection isn't a reflection of your worth but of compatability. So when ppl reject you its feedback on the connection/ compatability you had with that person ❤
This is so helpful. Thank you so much for sharing it. ❤
Great advice. You perfectly demonstrate how you have to find the fine balance between using your brain too much and using it too little in dating
Haha very well put. I certainly struggle there
You're so right about judging books by their covers. A major disaster frienemy in my life was so obviously a trainwreck to me in moment one, but another friend told me I should give this weirdo a chance. Chaos ensued. Took years to expel. Lesson learned.
it always takes years to expel. why oh why i wonder
I 100% agree with you about keeping some kind of a journal or record from the beginning of the relationship. It’s just like when you sit in a doctors office and you miss some of the details that are important! Some of us can’t be trusted in a highly emotional situation to remember everything that was said. Plus the Limerence chemicals in our brain is strong.
I'm a 35-year-old taken man, and I still LOVED this video. Your wisdom (and humor) still gives me a lot to absorb even if I don't technically "need" some of this advice. :) I remember being more in your camp when reflecting on nervousness before dates. Specifically, I remember when I was 20, I was a waiter as a restaurant, and I befriended a regular there who was a Vietnam veteran / writer with PTSD. He wrote a memoir about his experiences and gave me a manuscript to read which was cool. Anyway, one of the most memorable moments of the entire story was his college experiences (which for him were after the war) and how despite all the horrible things he saw, survived, and himself *did* he was still terrified to approach girls or look like an ass doing so.
I meditated a lot on that. What I took from it, was a sort of silliness and triviality to these things that so paralyze us in the day-to-day. I don't mean to complain (and really, I'm not!) but I didn't have an easy childhood myself. So when I would be nervous for a date, I would reflect on some of the worst, most trying moments of my life. I'd look at my scars, I'd recall moments where I was *really* scared, and realized whatever I was afraid of with dating was not so scary after all. That shift in framing changed everything for me - for the better.
@@margareteschubsky270 Yes! I'm sorry I don't remember what podcast I heard this on, but I remember the theory at least: The theory of why we're so terrified of rejection or embarrassing ourselves with dating is because we're evolved to be part of small tribes, or small towns. Basically "everyone knows everyone" sort of situation. In that paradigm, rejection is a lot more risky or costly. So basically, now, in the modern day when there are functionally infinite "fish in the sea", and it's not rational to be terrified of rejection, there's still that evolutionary hardware running in our brains (which is reinforced in grade school btw), where rejection is fatal, and your communal reputation really matters.
Amazing reframing. And it’s so true. Sometimes when I catch myself spiraling on a “heart” issue, I can catch myself and remember ….my loved ones are well. I am safe. Nothing is actually happening. :)
The way you giggled talking about your boyfriend warmed my heart.
I am that person who is very forgiving and has a history of ignoring red flags. The advice you've given here is absolutely golden, and I believe it will be so helpful and empowering for me, if and when I decide to start dating again.
My takeaways:
"Have your assumptions but be open to being proven wrong."
"Show up as someone you can stand behind."
Caroline - I’m 63 and I wish I’d heard this advice in my teens/early twenties. Two divorces later, I value myself and date on my terms now. You are one smart young thing - keep being you!😊❤ and ya, you DO look cute in that top with your hair that way.😊
This was thought provoking. I think one of the questions we should ask - and I am really intrigued by what answers people can come up with, is - "Why do we have to be with someone? Why is the accepted completion of our life have to be finding another person who will accept all our ugly parts, as we have to accept theirs? Is this the best that each of us can be?" Probably for some, it is. But I think we convince ourselves or let others do it so effortlessly through fiction, movies, etc., that we must, we must, we must be a couple or else our life is doomed. I would like us to seriously think about and accept that there are options. I say this as a woman who has been married for 46 years.
Agreed! I have thought this many times. Why are we all on this massive quest to find a mate?! Do we have to? I'm always way happier when I'm single. But, I know I also have childhood trauma to work through. So, I don't know what I actually feel. Im also super introverted... so people drain me a lot. I think a better quest in life is the self-discovery quest. That's the one I'm currently on, and it's everything!
@@refreshingtwistthe answer is biology and evolutionary imperative older than the first ape, older than the first land animal, older than the first gilled fish. That doesn’t mean you can “rise above it” and therefore try to identify with the non animal part of yourself and forget about the mate. It’s the opposite. If you don’t find a mate, you’ll be empty feeling. It doesn’t mean that being with someone is better if you have personal problems and seek out abusers, for instance. But it’s not “society” or movies that make us feel like we have to be paired up. We just do and we always will.
Thank you for pointing out biology and hormones as the source of “the imperative.” Wanting to have a rewarding intimate relationship isn’t abnormal - nor do I think there’s anything odd about preferring living alone. Different people have a variety of values, goals, and aspirations. It’s really about what each of us finds personally fulfilling.
I’m truly amused that at a time when the marriage rate is at an all-time low, there are people still speaking to some sort of social pressure or expectation. Really? Because that’s not what I see. And I’m a woman whom a lot of people ask how it is that I’m not married - as I have the demeanor and appearance that indicates hat’s my niche... 😂
@@jenniferlynn3537 I'm not 100% sure I understand your point. You say that there isn't any kind of social pressure of expectation for young woman to marry and yet you also say that a lot of people ask how it is that you are not married. Can you explain further.
Girl! When I followed this channel I thought it was going to be for the interior design but I am SO here for your life advice! I feel so seen by everything you say but also love that you share your experiences without it being prescriptive.
I AGREE with the "FILE" concept. I found that while I HATE being lied to, I am capable of lying to myself. I was in a relationship with someone who disappeared when he got what he wanted, and I was so head over heels for him, I told myself it was something I did and let him come back over and over. It wasn't until I started writing down what happened when it happened that I was able to go back and see what I said and realized, this HAS been happening all along. I didn't want to face it or see it, but it was the reality. I had to go through that to learn about myself more than anything but documenting things when they happened helped me see the truth. The "File" concept is right on..
You look INCREDIBLE Caroline! The hair, the skin, the outfit - just wow! You’re super beautiful ☺️❤️
The negative affirmation advice is completely golden. Maybe my experience might speak to someone. Long story long - my husband and I separated for a while to date other people but also to date each other. My (and his) mindset completely changed - we showed up to spend time together as our authentic selves because why the f___ not at this point? Turns out we were a really great couple when we showed up with our actual personalities and not the version of ourselves trying to keep the other person happy. It may seem alarmist to go into a romantic relationship picturing it being over, but it creates such an important mental shift. Thank you for articulating this so well!
Wow!
I love this - happy your story turned out this way! 🎉
I love what you said about how negative scenarios can actually be soothing. Sometimes I forget that no one is special until we make them so. Dziękuję Karolina ❤
With keeping files, I had a really bad friend break up a while back. In my mind I thought everything was good and we had a solid friendship until the big fight at the end. I found my old journal and it had so many passages where I talked about not wanting to continue the friendship or to pull back from the friendship dating back to the start. It’s amazing how much you forget when you keep making exceptions for people
Caroline, you don’t know this yet, but you and I have been friends for a year now. Your ability to clarify the chaos that is life is not only helpful but hilarious. Also, dating is hard. Becoming aware of your own needs is essential and this is where it gets tricky since not everyone likes to look at their own attachments, emotions and boundaries.
When I was dating my current partner, I promised myself to stay true to how I was feeling. To focus on MY experience and stop the whole “Does he like me? Is it too soon to tell him how I feel?” analysis in my head. Also, I paid attention to things like - can I actually relax next to him? Does he respect my boundaries? Am I confused or do I feel safe? In my opinion dating should feel like an expansion that gets you out of your mind, into your body (enjoying each other's company, walking, laughing, dancing?, kissing, hiking, eventually loooong walks to the beach house) and leaves you feeling safe and just like yourself. If I find myself over-analyzing, disregarding my personal boundaries, trying to act in a certain way, neglecting friends or hobbies, or even using words I normally wouldn’t, it’s a sign that something is off or that I do not feel safe around this person. It helps to know if there’s something in their behavior that triggers me or if it comes from my own anxiety, which DAAAA sometimes does.
Long story short: I told this man that I fell in love with him after three weeks of dating. We have been together ever since.
Anyways, thank you for making UA-cam a social media platform I actually use. I’ve never commented on a video before. AND all the best to your family! Sometimes I feel weird because I can name all your siblings without ever meeting them. But I'm pretty sure you’ll allow it.
Love from the Austrian Alps,
Steph
Ohhh fellow Austrian follower! 😍🙌
Such an endearing comment! I feel the same about Caroline haha like a sister
Caroline, NONE of the advice in this video is psychotic, it's brilliant. I started using the bits and pieces you occasionally mentioned in previous videos (like keeping files/notes of how you felt). They have been SO useful in unraveling my messed up dating life and helping me understand why I am drawn to certain people even if they aren't ultimately good for me.
I wish I could say I found the right person and married them thanks to you, but alas, it's too soon for that. I DID find a bunch of "wrong people" and thanks to you stayed clear before getting in too far, though!
This works for me! I especially relate to keeping yourself consistently respectful at all times. Generating disgust or anger depletes your energy.
Recent subscriber here, accidentally stumbled upon you and absolutely adore your content.
Your intelligent wit and realistic, unfiltered opinions on the matters at hand are truly a breath of fresh air. Thank you for all of your valuable and relatable content.
Keeping notes on how dates went, and most importantly how you FELT, is the advice I didn't know I needed.
Caroline, if you have merch then "hurtle yourself toward rejection" should go on a tee 🙂
I think the advice regarding notetaking before & after dates would also work for when you are expanding your social circle/making new friends. Gaging how you feel in yourself after spending time with them irrespective of whether they are a "good person" or not, is great advice!
Not only for dating but also for friendships. Loved this, so helpful!
I'm so thankful for the "keeping files" advice, I had dated I man I felt very stressful and anxious with, and had the gut feeling that something was "off". My usual reaction was to dismiss what I feel with "nah I'm just overeacting" "I probably feel that way for x or y or z reason, I just need to eat and sleep and tomorrow those feelings will be a thing of the past".
But then when I opened my journal and read the previous entries, I discovered this was not some transient mood swing, but something I would feel consistantly for a whole mounth. I just wasn't acknoledging the stress and anxiety I felt.
I broke up with that person and I now feel like a weight have been lifted off my shoulders !
My top date tips:
1. Wear no make up!
You'll never have to worry again whether they like your 'real' face.
2. Day dates. No booze means you have nothing to hide behind, make fewer silly mistakes and can legitimately leave after an hour if you like. Most of my life is sitting round chatting over tea, so if you can't deal with that then we are not a match.
3. Treat it like you are a mystery shopper, or are scouting someone for a friend. For me, a first date is about establishing whether they have a nice voice and some kind of personality. Are they funny? Are they boring? Would you recommend them to a friend? The other stuff can come later.
No makeup…bold move!
Not wearing any make up is not possible for me. At least I gotta have my eyebrows seriously 😅
@bleakaf That's like a guy showin' up in work clothes and smelling like grease...... If you put NO EFFORT forth on afirst date then the man will figure you have VERY LOW INTEREST in him.... Your advice is FUCKING HORRIBLE!!!
I really, really appreciate your point of view, thanks for so much for posting this. As someone with terrible anxiety, it’s hard to trust yourself since so much of my own judgement is based in nonsense.
So incredibly helpful. Such practical advice for someone who is also naturally anxious and more critical of myself over other people.
I love the thought of being rejected before first date. That would work for me
This was really good! Your focus is always on yourself and how you feel which I feel other people gloss over in these types of videos? Like, yes, the point of dating is to find somebody you enjoy spending time with but, your main focus is on how you feel. I wouldn't label it as 'psychotic' but more, It's Okay to Be Selfish And This is Why, kind of thing. Which is great! We need to be selfish and put our own thoughts and feelings front and center instead of falling over for others.
Thank you Caroline, you always give us such poignant advice that I feel not everyone is in a space to hear, but we need to hear it anyway.
It’s the hardest thing for me to learn and has taken a lot of blunt force 🥴
I believe that dating and finding a good match for a spouse is a skill that we learn. It’s dangerous to only follow your feelings. Take your time getting to know each other. I really like the voice memo, record keeping idea!! Patterns are highly valuable information!!
Keeping files or voice notes instead of relying on memory is a great idea! How you're showing up and treating people kindly even when realizing they're not the one. Seeing whatever happens as information. Good takes.
Thank you for reminding me that I need to believe myself and not gaslight myself when I get a feeling that a relationship is off. I really appreciate your comment about looking back and noticing trends through your voice memos, especially how you feel after each interaction. I just hung out with a friend today and your video kept coming to mind. I really appreciate your advice. It has helped me realize that I either need to have a difficult conversation with her or break off the friendship.
As someone who was a serial single person and now engaged… she right 👌🏻
This gives me hope also as a serial single!
Your voice memo trick is pure genius! Turning dating into a personal growth memoir. Ima "swipe right" on self-discovery. Love the thumb too. Would love a video on your youtube growth sometime. I've been going so hard for almost a year now and feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I'm sure you have some incredible insights.
I’m so glad to hear all that! And I have begun to think about a UA-cam growth video since I’ve seen a few requests for it. Any particular topics / areas you’d want to see covered in that?
definitely discussing how to stand out in an ecosystem like this where it seems like everyone is just trying to imitate someone else. I think that carries over to life as well. For me personally, what you noticed was and was not working in terms of getting good engagement on here etc. I'm about 60 videos in and only get positive which is awesome, but something's not clicking. Maybe I'm missing a trick or just not having great luck. I need some Yoda-style guidance. *holding up a sign saying "in need a cool af mentor".
@@ablakeslifechiming in to say the editing is top notch
@@slantdwave Yooooo! Thank you means a lot. I’m learning fast, having fun and trying to remain optimistic that more people will watch one day! 🙏🏻
The insight about regretting is so mind blowing but so true! Thank you so much for giving me this chance to understand and admit it
I loved this. This is my biggest struggle rn, and so many of these tips were actually practical and helpful. You always deliver! I like your advice on "imagine the worst case scenario." Mine is randomly the opposite of yours, that the other person wants me more than I want them, and a conflict arises. I hate the idea of having to reject someone or say no to going back to theirs etc.
Happily married for 35 years and here I am listening to this whole video. It’s just that good. I never really dated but growing up I always had High standards and very little patience and some people called me bitchy, well that’s ok. I’m not gonna going to waste my time on less than what I want and need.
Totally! Her advice applies to marriage as well, especially the respect part (we will celebrate 19yrs married this week❤🎉)
The creepy bloopers! 😂😂❤
Nice job on the video .. I actually have done your advice a million times on dates .. I show up as myself and figure if they don’t contact me again it’s fine. If they don’t like who I am then I certainly don’t want to be with them. No matter how attractive or interesting they are.. no one wants to be in that position. So that allows me to go out and treat them like a fun activity, try and enjoy their company and have no real expectations. The only downside to this method is that eventually you stop needing to date at all. Happily single and don’t give a shit about mingling! 😂 So I guess it is not a dating method really… more a how not to care about that anymore method. But I am old and happily so🤷🏻♀️ Great job on the video. ❤
That thing you said about imagining the worst case scenario is really helpful. Thank you Caroline
Lol keeping a record is so brilliant, I’ve not done it while dating but last year I started journaling about friendships and totally started to see patterns in how certain relationship dynamics make me feel. It brought a lot of clarity for me about people who consistently lift me up and bring me down. Highly recommend! And maybe I’ll try it in more areas of my life.