How Honest Should You Be?
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- Опубліковано 7 вер 2024
- In today’s episode, we’re talking with a woman worried about telling her roommate she’s buying a gun, a young woman struggling with her family relationships after her stepdad molested her as a child, and a wife wondering if divorce is the only option for her and her husband.
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The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel paralyzed, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well-and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!
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I think every man in a relationship should have to listen to your show. You have helped me more than I can express. I have a much better understanding about seeing the big picture. Or another's perspective. Thank you.
Men and women
I wouldn't just say every man but every person. I only started listening about 6 months ago n I'm a 57 yr old woman who actually does know a lot more than the average person as I have always been interested in the human condition, relationships, psychology etc but I have still learned a great deal even if it's more the verbiage to use or why what I think is right and the proper thing to do intuitively is. The way he explains it is fantastic even if we already kinda know the answer.
Taking wedding rings off during a fight IS an emotional abuse!!!! I had this done to me a few times till our marriage therapist made it clear that this is an emotional abusive act.
Never even heard of that as a couple's fight tactic. Probably a sign my marriage is pretty good.
@@bffoxjr yes, most likely.
I got wedding and engagement rings thrown at me by both wives, multiple times. Several times in public and once at work. I started ignoring it after the first few times with each.
I was suprised by John's angle in last call. Throwing ring and not doing housework (it is not HELPING if they both have 9-5 jobs) are major red flags as much as you love someone.
Can the abused partner take their rings off after knowing/seeing the abusive/toxic partner doing it?...???...? As in can it be the form of reactive abuse...??
For the abused daughter, yes, please end your relationship with your ‘mother’. She does know. I went through a very similar situation, none of my siblings believed me, although, I think they know, because it happened to one of them, and they keep the secret. Yes, you’ll probably be blamed, I was blamed for breaking our family, and none of them have spoken to me since I spoke up, and it’s been 10 years. You can do this, especially with a trusted therapist. Sending you hugs, you deserve to be heard.
I can't possibly advise the young lady who was abused as child by stepfather to break off contact fully with her mother but I do of course agree with John's suggestion that she go to counseling to work through this for her new family's sake n most importantly her own. There was no mention of the bio father so I'm guessing they are not in touch n this of course has had lasting impact on her as well. Losing her mother fully might just be too much for her at this stage. Let's see what she feels comfortable with after the counseling n even if that's a very distant but some contact relationship that might be what she needs for a bit. It wouldn't be good for me as I'm not as good at being phony but if she wants her daughter to have a grandmother ( hopefully healthy grandparents on his side) and she somehow can forgive her mother for her inability to see the truth n protect her perhaps bc of her own trauma (again I'm not saying she should but some people are able to do this, especially people who are getting their emotional needs met by husband n friends. If she decided to tell the sister in the coming years and I'm not sure this is even necessary or wise n what actually would be gained. If the sister wants to know why the caller never speaks to the father/stepfather and keeps pushing for an answer than maybe but I'm not sure on this one. But if she does the mother will likely freak out and the caller will see a side of the mother again that likely will reveal that the mother is still unwilling to have her daughters back. My biggest concern is her saying that they actually have a decent relationship. That is impossible but of course we all have a different version of what decent is. I think the young lady is still in denial about not just what the stepfather did but what the mother has done all along and will likely continue to do.
Agreed... please do it and know that you'll be better. Let go, and, Let God! 🤗🫠😉✌️🫶✨️
This same fallout happened between my “mother” and myself. Not at first though, I stayed around for a few years after my assault. But she never believed me and eventually blamed me for it. I was 26 when it happened, and I still wasn’t believed nor heard. I couldn’t go back realizing this.
I’m sorry for your loss
My mother denied out of denial of her molestation experience to the point my head is still spinning at 75 even after decades of inner work and counseling. She made it her life goal especially after father passed away to convince other people he didn't do it so they would convince me. It didn't work but it made it very unhealthy for me to be around her or hear her voice and it was like she was always waiting to spring into that conversation. I was very relieved when she died and just recently felt what it was like to live with the 2 of them trying to throw me off the track of that trauma and probably automatically, because they both had childhood sexual abuse experiences to keep locked away from their memories I also got in touch with the fear I experienced being their daughter living with them and my conditioning to protect everyone, including them. That sort of mother is highly psychologically toxic. I hope you can close her out from your life and daughter and that your sis is okay.
My question is WHAT IS THE CAUSE of the 14 year old's extreme anxiety that she has to have medication for!? 🚩 THAT is a huge red flag that her poor sister might already have been abused! It might not be sexual but SOMETHING traumatic happened to cause that poor girl such bad anxiety.
-I had a mom like hers; pretty sure she's a covert narcissist & her needs we're ALWAYS more important than mine 🥺
I agree something is going on with that 14 year old, all this anxiety and on meds seems like the 14 year old was abused and it was swept under the rug and she was put in meds
My thoughts exactly
It's really possible that the anxiety is coming from being raised by a mom like that. No truth ever! Imagine spending your whole young life, when the world is forming, being lied to nearly 100% of the time. Even on small stuff that didn't seem to matter. People like her mom lie not because there's something "bad" but because lying is EASIER. I'd put money down that it tilts onto the inability to trust either adult in the house, even if no one ever touched her.
@@athenamurphy1317 this is a real good point and I'm glad the other commenter raised the whole idea of the 14 yr old being on meds for a number of years already. You're point is excellent but usually that wouldn't be a thing that leads to problems until she's older but this is a bad sign for sure. Additionally however one slices it the mother likely has some significant guilt which she actually should and whether it's just from how she acted in response to the callers big reveal a year after the abuse or the yr or two later when her hand was sort of forced or all the years since. She may even have guilt that she left this guy as clearly she still has feelings for him n they talk everyday. What guilt does she have from the breakup with the bio Dad or was she even married to that man? No way this woman isn't carrying around huge amount of guilt which has manifested in shame bc she is not likely getting her own help as she should. No way that is not already and will continue to have very negative impact on the younger daughter m the fact that she is soon entering the rebellious teen years this is a recipe for disaster as the mother is already shame based and will not be able to deal with just regular teen push back from her teen daughter let alone is it gets more difficult. She will see any criticism of her or her parenting as cruel and that the teen in ungrateful etc n lash out and create a toxic relationship.
I wish you a day filled with kind people, lots of smiles, and unexpected blessings
For the second caller, I would walk away from my mother if that were the case, because I would NEVER have my child near her, whether I’m there or not. Just say, No More, and walk away. Also, how do know that he didn’t abuse her? I mean, maybe her anxiety is from that. You sharing your story with her may be freeing for her.
I was thinking the same thing. Mom’s guard being up like that makes me thing her defense of him is a trauma response. And the younger sister has her intense anxiety because she’s weekly visiting with an abuser. Maybe hers even.
Wow Shantay's husband is SUPER SUPER toxic. You NEED to leave him ASAP this is no way to live!!!! You are worth more than this!
Came to say the SAME!!!! Yes! I know this is an old video but Shante, I hope you ran and ran fast and that things are better for you now. I'm sending you all my love and good thoughts today! ❤❤ Love you, girl!
Years later my mother told my husband that I “exaggerated” how bad things were. That told my husband everything he needed to know before I even got the courage to tell him.
DR DELONEY-you are missing what she’s trying to tell you-he is abusive -she is exhausted-he won’t change-she needs to save herself and her children
Haven't had roommates in over twenty some years and I love it that way.
??
yeah 1st caller confirms something I've been running from. I need distance from my parents who failed me when I needed them.
This is a very good question. Being too honest is very bad for you and makes it even easier for others to weaponize information about you either to use it against you at a later date OR to use it to spin lies about you to others to make you appear less than you are so that they can appear better than they are. The worst lies are the ones with a kernel of truth bc then others believe them!
Unless you make it completely public and defeat any power in the secret. After my mom decided without mentioning it to me, to disclose to my verbally abusive sister, I told everyone as soon as I found opportunity to. I didn't want it to be secret if she knew. I diffused the loose time bomb.
I think being honest is not the issue, but how much information you give out to others.
If someone is so toxic and/or abusive that you have to lie to them, you should'nt be spending time with them.
My story is like the 2nd caller’s. Thank you Dr. Delony for taking that call and for the advice you gave.
Thankyou for all the great advice. AND....
You are not old but a young pup.
Congrats on 100k subscribers John!!!
I love this one hour episode.
Can all from now on be 1 hour? Thanks.
The full episodes are always an hour.
Agreed
I had a long haul truck driver dad who served in WWII so let's you know he felt the house needed one gun a rifle for squirrel hunting. He said in some states if someone says gun everyone hits the floor but in Texas if someone says gun they all stand up because everyone carries.
"Little glimpses of light." For survivors of trauma, this is our only essential need. Thanks doctor.
I'm from Sydney, Australia, and I don't know anyone who has a gun; I've never even touched one. But if you go into the country, I'm sure everyone has one.
Wait for it.. more Australians will get one when the elite imposes more health related treatments onto us. 😊
Always tell the truth.
I love the Deftones! I saw them in San Antonio! Great show….thank you for sharing your gift
Regarding caller 2,, I went through exactly the same thing,, it went on for years ,, it traumatized me,, he was relentless,, my family just silenced me and brushed it under the rug,,I spent years in counciling being diagnosed with C-ptsd , anxiety, depression,, it changed me and the relationship I had with my moms denial,, they all knew ,,,
I'm so very sorry you had to endure that level of pain, abuse, and neglect from your family.
I'm so so sorry 😞 this was my first marriage too.
Ran around with hot topic kids 😂
Only 3 mins into the episode, but hearing you talk about Deftones and Turnstile make this my favorite one so far :). Great book by the way. Love the show.
Second caller, I get it, they made you believe it was your innocent child self at fault. Say goodbye to mom and step dad. If step sister wants to know why eventually, tell her and move on.
So funny you chose to sing lyrics from THAT particular song “holiday” haha I had paused the vid to go check that band out and that was the song I chose/-subsequently jammed out to! Love your show and now I love this random band too ! 🤘🎸🧻🎢
Your analogy to our older ancestors was really powerful - these are so human and innate(?) and primal. Evolution has kept us interdependent because it’s necessary. “…Know what peace feels like….” My daughter’s mid-childhood was filled with chaos, then finally we got to a relatively “boring” season, which I am so grateful for, but, after about a year, she self-created drama that ensured chaos - not in a malicious way, though it ultimately became that. I believe her normal had been re-set to the chaos we struggled through, particularly given the ages she was (7-11) through it.
Regarding first call: roommates is not family, you are in the same house, but not the same household. Being able to own things, have those in your room and not disclose is my expectation of privacy It's different with family, sure... But when you live with roommates, there should be certain boundaries to avoid such conflicts.
People have different priorities and as a result why would there not be conflicts. Unless I find roommates that bleed silver, gold, jewels, and blood. With them there is never a conflict because they are making me hood rich!!!
@@donaldlyons17 I would have issues if the gangbangers and drug cartels not to mention cops etc. start showing up at all hours.
I'd suggest that they consider their lifestyle. If they have a bunch of people over constantly, throwing parties, it would be smart not to have guns in the house with drunk strangers in their 20ies. But if they mostly live each for their own in their separate rooms and just hang out in the living room by themselves, when privacy is guaranteed... Then yes why not have a gun locked up somewhere.
38:40 - 39:00 John spoke to me (year w/ therapy) & I really don’t know what peace feels like
The mother knows she'd be in trouble for letting that slide.
What you said about loneliness and being alone, Dr. Delony. My name is Anne and I'm using my late husband's 'phone.
🙏💕🙏
Glad he pointed out it doesn’t mean you’re not level headed if you don’t want a gun in your home. This young woman is a little too excited about having a gun.
That lady's husband sounds like my dad. I watched him do those same things to my mom and us kids...but also be physically violent as well. Now I'm a grown adult trying to have a small relationship with him and it's difficult.
Why do you want to have a relationship with him, piece of sh*t???? Love yourself!!!! Don't do it
Don't keep trying. It's not worth what it does to you
First caller... be honest. High function autistic people can compromise. Be honest. Dont talk over them or behind their backs. When explained she will understand.
I grew up in Colorado where it wasn’t uncommon for people to have their rifles in the back window of their truck (even in the school parking lot). I think nothing of people with guns or head mounts
Do NOT trust that mother with supervised visits or with the sweet new baby! I agree to get that mom out of your life Savanna- so sorry your mom has put some gross 🤮 pedophile over her kids. She’s a sick person just like the guy she’s protecting.
25:40 - 40:13 the girl with the trauma..
Her story sounds familiar to mine & l will take Johns advice and distance myself from my own mother. She’s enabling the same bs to a trash she married & continues to defend the inexcusable
I'm sorry you went through that.
@@fabiolatorres4020thank you
Yoy saw DEFTONES!!!! AHHHHHH!!!
Thanks for sharing.... everything. You the best.
I’m an artist/scientist and a metalhead, so I know exactly what you mean. Concerts are my favorite thing to do ever besides singing, playing guitar and studying/researching scientific literature. Concerts are such an amazing natural high! 😎🤘🔥👊🔥🥰🫶
Sometimes… the lease says no and question is answered
I love the show, but...what was with that last call? First, he said the husband sounded like a narcissist and that she couldn't make it work with him. Then, he asked her if she might be the one who is hard to live with. He ended by saying the husband might be a good guy who needs help. If I was the wife, this would only leave me more confused...
Yeah John was a little too all over the place in this one. Maybe he should have asked more questions instead of using the time to give 3 separate opinions. I would have asked about her own childhood and how long they dated n been married but maybe I missed one of those that he did ask. I also would have asked what she thinks he would do if she said she won't be spoken to like that and is going to leave for a bit or go to Moms for a few days. Is there even Mom or anyone to go to?
Deftones!! Wow the more I hear him talk about his music interests and how good of a dad and husband and friend this man is, just makes me huge internet crush on him grow lol 😂❤ love this podcast!!!!
Jeezuzz, the cringe is strong with you. You ARE disrespecting his wife BTW, which I don't think either of them would appreciate ESPECIALLY in real life. God knows where you're from, but I'm from Hollywood, where people actually meet celebrities all the time, and it becomes very uncomfortable for them if you don't just crush from afar, but in person too. Not saying you'll ever meet him or his wife, but if you did, hopefully you'd put a muzzle on it and act respectfully, jeez
"Put a muzzle on it? " imagine going on UA-cam , and looking to pick a fight with someone in the comments ..for absolutely no reason at all lol ..I ain't even gonna say anything mean back to you except I hope your life gets easier, you seem very troubled. God bless
I love that you went to see the Deftones!!
How dare her mother for doing that to her, shame
Okay I think she missed something here. The little sister has a ton of anxiety and older sister needs to check and see what the heck is going on there. It's very likely the dad has abused her and told her to be quiet. She should reach out to her little sister and find out if he's repeating his behavior because most likely he has already abused her sister too.
John has brought that to her attention. That is the first priority and needs to be checked on immediately.
44:20 my ex was the same way. 💀 gaslighting, bullying, threatening my life, then apologizing. He still emails me I have him blocked. It’s been 5 months that we broke up.
Good for you. Don't let him back, just focus on your health
If her sister has such bad anxiety, I'm scared he already victimized the little sister...that can cause severe anxiety
Everyone, especially women should own a firearm and know how to use it.
That's just stupid.
I think her little sister has been touched by the same guy her bio dad. I think that's why there are supervised visits. I think the mom doesn't want the little sister to be told because if the mom had believed her oldest then it wouldn't have happened to the younger one. I think it's a huge explosion if anyone finds out she knew because of what has happened because she didn't leave and believe. I bet the house on it.
Why was the couple concerts you went to not good for your family? I think it’s awesome you had a couple fun nights like that in the middle of adulthood! U weren’t hurting anyone
What's the purpose of telling the 14 year old? Is it to find out if she's been molested too and begin the process of justice? Outside of that, I'm not sure what the point would be. But if someone else knows feel free to chime in.
What you wearing?! At 8 years old?! She could be naked and this was't supposed to happen....what's wrong with her mom?!
Yeah the what were you wearing thing is so wrong even for a grown woman out at 2 am but to an 8 yr old asleep on the couch in her own home with her family? Not only is it wrong it's bizarre. Women need to stop being so selfish n needing to get theirs own financial and emotional needs met by bring with any man unless they have totally vetted him n been in relationship with him for long time before introducing to her kids. There are many men who target single n divorced women who have kids especially young daughters. You had your first relationship with who ever you had your child with. That was your opportunity to pick someone worthy of that. If it doesn't work out whether his fault,your fault or both and you need to get out fine but live life working, taking care of your child n having friendships. Stop with the constant need for male validation at the expense of your kids. Give them a drama n trauma free childhood and when they are 15, 16 or so start dating again and introduce them at some point like a yr or so later when they are 17 or 18 and know what's what. Plus you'll have all that time to see what the guy is all about Sometimes you'll never know for sure. This guy is incredibly brazen to do that right in the living room with everyone there I have a hard time thinking he hadn't done this in the past. Or since
26:58 FURIOUS!!! COME ON!!! 🤬😡🤬
If you have your own bedroom you are entitled to privacy.
No, not if you’re living under your parents’ roof. It’s dependent on their parameters and if they decide to give the person privacy. If you live on your own…sure you are entitled to privacy.
@@AllysonWonderlandd Um, yes you do. Also, they don't have the right to search it. If you are old enough to own a gun, you are an adult. As a matter of fact, the police cannot search it either, without a warrant.
@@elainenilsson5472 Your deductive reasoning is not logical. Also, now you’re changing your initial stance. Your first comment was very broad and mentioned nothing about being an adult or owning a gun. 🤦🏻♀️
You don’t get to say something is when it isn’t. You’re not the decision maker on reality. Where does an entitlement to privacy come from? What are the deciding factors that relate to that because being an adult and/or being able to legally own a gun doesn’t magically give you privacy in a home you don’t own or rent. 😵💫
I was violated in a very bad way. I forgave the person but things will never be the same again.
@@AllysonWonderlandd Too funny. I once had your opinion. That is until I learned the hard way. Trust me on this one. Why I mentioned adult is because the video is about adults and guns..therefore an adult theme. You'd be surprised what rights you DO NOT have as a property owner or parent.
Shantay. Run for your life. Do whatever it takes. Whatever the cost Just get out. It will be worth it.
The second caller I guarantee her father has sexually abused her (the14 year old) too which is why she probably has so much anxiety. Tell her!
The story about the miserable marriage : red flags being thrown everywhere!!!!!! Run from this guy
Lol at the first girl..
Guest starts @ 3.10 minutes 😂
21:19 Ah, here we go again, another blended family disaster.
WOW.
Old School movie clip…do you want me to be honest or do you want the truth?😆
I was going to go to deftones as well on saturday!!
I AM NOT "reasonable" about guns. I will NEVER be "reasonable" about guns. Assault rifles are NEVER appropriate for civilian usage. Nor for hunting for food. But my beloved brother, 45, trained, big, strong, bright, had his pistol taken away from him and he was killed with it. You do what you want. There will NEVER be a gun in my home. I will LEAVE anywhere there is one.
That guy is a total narcissist-she needs to GET OUT
Cool Turnstile S/O, did Truthcult open?
Is caller 1 using “I’d like to have a gun in the house” to potentially scare off the high functioning roommate? Careful what you wish for, it may comeback to where she can’t use an excuse.
Huh?
Deftones... I'm jealous. 🐎
Guns? FFS.
The molestation story seems odd. She was eight when it happened and then, "forced her mom's hand" at 9? So here's the deal:
#1. She called her mom at work and articulated that she was done living there and would fix the problem of her mom didn't. Does any 9 year old have the mental and intellectual capacity to carry that out?
#2. You all won't like this, but here we go: kids love their parents. They'll forgive and forget almost anything, especially at *9.* I can't imagine that she held on to that for _a year,_ let it fester and then ultimately wanted to be away from her father from that one episode. It seems so outlandish to me.
I know you're all going to pile on me, but does anyone out there smell something off?
Not sure if something was misheard on my part, but I thought she says years later, not year later.. didn't specify she was 9 when she called mom at work
She was 9 when she first said something. She was much older when she forced her mums hand. I think 14
@@rosewein that's how I understood it as well
No. Go back and listen .. she was much older
She told the mom at 9, the leaving was years later. Mom's a piece of crap.
the first call is really difficult to listen to now. fighting every instinct I have to turn this off
The harder it is to listen to- the more it needs to be heard and the more it needs to be discussed.
Why?
Jessica just wanted some attention/sympathy.
I've never heard of any autistic shooters, in reality being high strung isn't the same as being evil.
Is this true? Wasn't the Sandy Hook killer on the spectrum?
@@Jennieallen415 The Sandy Hook shooter was indeed high functioning autistic. Doesn't mean all autistics are bad though.
They exist, you just weren't aware. In fact it might be more common than you'd think.
@@Jennieallen415What OP said is not true, what you said is true.
YOuRe tHe sTrOnG oNe hErE 🤦 that crap is probably really powerful with 12 year olds!