Things I didn't do in my twenties.
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- Опубліковано 14 лип 2024
- Marriage? Babies? House? Let's talk about how I didn't do any of them and why that's totally fine.
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👋 Thank you so much for giving this a watch. Fancy another? How about one of these?
○ Lies you're told about marriage in your twenties: ua-cam.com/video/HsN6mUcrAok/v-deo.html
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"children should be wanted"
yes. oh my god yes.
What a concept right?
Could not agree more! So important.
And beyond babyhood, I swear so many people are obsessed with having babies and not people that they have to care for for at least 18 years
Yes. A parent should want to raise people in this world, not to have them to care for the parent when they're old.
Nobody should be allowed a child until they have had sole responsibility for a pet first. Keeping a pet cockatiel or two is so much easier than having a child. Having a child is more like keeping a cockatoo, a goat or a dog.
I used to think I’d be married at 24 with kids at 25 and I am now 23 and I still feel like A CHILD
same!
My mom got married and birthed my at 24....
I’m approaching that age and I have no idea how I ever made it this far
I litteraly feel like a 14 years old, same fears, same toxic coping mechanism, but with a bit more money lmao
omw same 😄
I also thought I'd be married with kids by the age of 25. I got married at 23 and am still happily married (31 years old now) and still don't have kids yet. I feel like I was 18 yesterday.
I'm 36. No partner, no kids, no published novel. But I did buy a condo 3 months ago on my own because screw landlords! :)
YESSS 👏🏼
Congrats!! Honestly, owning your own place is tough and is definitely a special and rare achievement :D
congradulations!!!!
I'm 28 and I've never been in a long term relationship. Before 25 I'd never on a date. It was something that really concerned me at the time but now eh. I do still have the desire to love and be loved in return by someone but it's not the be all and end all of my life. When I was 26 I travelled around New Zealand for eight months on my own and at some point this year I will hopefully buy a house on my own and I'm pretty damn proud of those things 😊
oh my gosh I remember feeling soooo stressed about either not having been in a relationship or not having sex by a certain age. I felt so weird and like something was wrong with me and I wanted those things so badly. Now that I have experienced both I'm glad for them but I feel so sad that I spent so much time and emotion over those things.
Getting a house on my own is also a dream of mine. I think it so wonderful to be able to make a home for yourself :)
Oh wow that's amazing! I hope to take a solo trip at some point and while I'm not sure how I'd afford a house that would definitely be a dream.
Thank you for this comment. It's good to know I'm not the only one.
omg ME TOO I kind of struggle with it because I feel like people will find me very weird when I do try to start dating or something and I tell them I'm not that experienced. I often just blame my depression which just like JUST came up when I started dating in my early twenties like a big "you thought you were getting a life????? THINK AGAIN" but yeah. But I guess it's just how it is. I also place more importance on personal ventures honestly, I would much rather pick finishing writing goals above having a romance as if that's some sort of goal. I'm so glad you said this, congrats on the future house and so awesome you went on the solo trip!
It seems like a majority of people don't really agree with the idea of marriage as it is but the benefits outweigh that for them. I think we should be pushing for better terms for unmarried couples rather than just accepting that marriage is the only way.
Yes! This!
Yes! I'm not entirely sure but I think this is even more true for same sex couples because they don't read as a couple to a lot of professionals. As a result they often get denied things that even unmarried straight couples would have like being able to visit their significant others in hospital in an emergency situation
Yes, although I’m excited about getting married, I feel like so many of the ideas of what it is is outdated and sexist. I love that it can be a celebration of your relationship. But you shouldn’t have to be married to be taken ‘seriously’ as a couple.
In the netherlands we have kind of an inbtween way, it is called registered partnership. It is from what I have heard easier to get out of than being married. But you still get some of the benefits of being married. And it is less formal. I think it is a good route to take if you don't want to get married but still want to buy a house together or just be recognized as partners by the state
@@esmay3612 We have that in Sweden, too. Calling someone your "sambo" sounds a lot more serious and "real" than calling them your boyfriend/girlfriend, but it's not as serious as being married, and it does still make renting or buying a house or adopting a kid or, I assume, hospital and financial stuff much more "legit"
ok ok when my friends started buying houses I started saying to them HOW DID YOU DO THAT and every time - EVERY TIME - they had some help from parents: a lump sum to contribute to the deposit, parents letting them live with them rent free while they saved - in one case their parents just bought it for them outright. And me and my partner are trying to do it without any of that help so no wonder we're way behind. I'm doing my best!!
I didn't realize until my mid to late-20s how much help some people got from their parents. Just knowing that they had tens of thousands of dollars in assistance would have done wonders for my self-esteem.
I feel you! I'm currently 25 and don't have a driver's licence, which is pretty uncommon in my country. Most people here get their licence at the age of 18- 20. But every time I ask people how they paid for it, they had massive help from parents or other family members, while I'm struggeling for years now to even save the money without any help. I feel, people kinda expect you to have accomplished certain things at a certain age like a driver's licence or a degree and that is an issue that needs to be fixed! We are all doing our best and that is totally fine!
I’ve never wanted babies. I’ve always wanted children; But never babies or toddlers. I want to share my favourite books with a child, I want to take them to museums and paint with them and teach them to surf. I’ve concluded that I’m going to adopt an older child, like 10+, because I want a child, but I don’t want a baby
So as an adopted person I would just like to say that this child might need a bit more from you than one you have biologically. The stats on adopted people and mental health issues are kind of wild and it's just a thing to be aware of when you do get into it, it's worth looking into closer to the time if you haven't already
@@cherry97girl thank you for replying, and I’m not undermining the commitment of adoption and I’d support my adopted child in the same way as I would a biological one, with the same unconditional love. I just meant that I don’t really like toddlers and young children, and don’t enjoy being around them, so I’d rather adopt an older child
its an admirable life choice, thats awesome :) if youre not too bugged by it, children in fostercare are still underhomed, and are in need just as much for temporary care as well as full time x i might do the same when im older, depending on lgbtq+ legislation
same!
Omg yesss this is what I've felt my WHOLE life and I've literally never met anyone else who feels the same way. I want to share my books with them, go on hikes, pain with them, talk philosophies and mental health, and everyone tells me it'll be really hard with an older child. I don't care if it'll be hard with an older child, I'd rather do that than have to take care of a baby? I'd rather take in a child that's been passed over because "they're too old and are too much work" and no one I know really seems to get that
Sorry about the incredibly long comment I just got excited haha
One thing that we aren't really reminded of very often is that life expectancy is way higher now. Now it's common to know people who are 90 years old, and people being 100 years old aren't news anymore. So, if you decide that you'll have kids when you're 37 most likely you will see your kid grow old, if you die at the age of 90 your child will be 52 and I think that's a pretty long time shared with your child. Same goes for careers, we are taught that if you're 50 you're old and nearly useless but in reality you don't even notice if someone is 50 years old aside from the gray hair, they are strong, smart and definitely not in their death beds, so if you're 50 and decide to change your career path and retire at 70 then it was a 20 year long career, that a pretty long time. We shouldn't pressure ourselves as much as we do. There's a lot of time left
Absolutely, love this!
I just started university in my mid twenties, training to be a psych. There's about 7 years of study ahead and I look at all the people my age working in their career path, and I look at all thd people studying straight out of high school and I feel jealous that I won't have that until my 30s. But talking about it with my mum, who went back to study after having 3 kids and now works in the top of her field, she said some very wise things. She pointed out that I will learn better now because I have made an active choice to leave behind full time work, and I have life experience, not just school experience to help get me through the process. Just like you said, I will have plenty of years ahead in my field. Just because I technically could have achieved it earlier, doesn't mean I should have. Maybe if I had come out of high school knowing I wanted to study psychology I would be nearly done, but also I might have dropped out because I have built up a strong work ethic being out in the work force for so long. Changing path or pursuing dreams later in life doesn't negate any of the experiences you've had before, everything still makes you stronger and more experienced.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
@@MsMikuruBeam I am in the same boat. Mid twenties and I went back to school two years ago. I was so nervous about being in my twenties and starting school but I have been having a blast. I also have friends that completed their degrees and are going back for a different major bc they didn't like what they chose at 18, 18! It is wild we make such a huge life choice when we still haven't fully matured or learned the world.
This is the right perspective to have 🙏🏻
I feel like I'm way too old to watch your videos since they're targeted at 20-somethings and I'm 37, but due to severe lifelong depression I lost a lot of time, so here I am. No husband (my country - Poland - has recently turned into a religious dictatorship and there are powers at work trying to make divorces illegal, so good for me on that one), living in the studio flat that my late father has left behind, but it's not really mine (other family members are co-owners), no career as a writer, which was always my dream. But I've finally finished therapy a year ago and for the first time in my life, I feel qualified enough to live without suffering all the time.
Wow I'm so proud of you!
I send you love, support and power to go throw this
Congrats! Beating depression and reaching a place where you truly feel mentally and psychologically stable is a milestone often ignored by people who never struggled with it but in a way it's the most important one. And anyone strong enough to fight their way out the deep grey swamp of depression is probably also strong enough to face anything else life throws at them. You might not have have reached all your goals just yet but I'm confident you'll manage to fulfill your dreams in the future :)
That's great, I'm so proud of you! Please don't feel like it's too late or you're too old to 'start your life' now, aside from biological age, it really is a mindset! The boyfriend of my great aunt bought a boat while in his eighties from someone in his sixties or seventies who felt he was to old to sail and decided to sell his boat! There is so much life to live and you can keep living it until the very end, don't think that just because your teens and twenties and most of your thirties are behind you, what would have been the best part of your life (according to society) is over, you've got approximately 50 years or so left to live your best life!
Proud of you! Finishing therapy
'Why buy self-help books when you can wash ya face and have a cup of tea?' Life motto Leena, life motto
Honestly I spent all my teens aiming to get married to a man and have kids and live happily ever after in my 20s. Now single in my 30s having realised in my late 20s that I'm gay so thank god I'm not trying to get out of a heterosexual marriage having realised that! So glad that relationship went the way it did!
HA! "Being 30 is just explaining things to your 20 years old self" literally all of my 30s so far!
i dont know if anyone's said this already but something that made me feel WAY better about struggling to build a routine was finding out that apparently daily routines are much better for people with 24 hour hormone cycles rather than the 28 day cycle :)))))))) the patriarchy strikes again
SORRY WHAT. I'm about to go down a wiki hole aren't I???
@@leenanorms in fairness I have not fact checked this but it FEELS correct and comforting so I'm letting myself have it xxx
I want to know more....
I'm interested in this! Where and what did you start searching?
Wow really?
I'm almost 24 and have never had a full-time job and it semi-regularly gives me actual panic attacks in the dead of night
Just means you haven't sold your presious time for shit money ❤️
I’ve only had one full-time job and it still gave me panic attacks and sent me into depression and burnout so 🤷🏽 Starting to think that working will not solve the meaning to life and happiness for me lol
same tho
I’m 27 and I still haven’t had a full time office job. It used to really bother me a couple years ago, but now my partner really hates their office job and I love the mix of things I get to do. And I’ve been able to try out so many more jobs! (And keep the good ones)
@@bassoonrckr that's so cool!! I'm happy for you
The idea of buying a house in my twenties genuinely baffles me. It seems like such a huge commitment, economically, emotionally, geographically. I guess you can sell if you want to move, but the PAPERWORK. And I love moving from time to time, and just having a new place to make home.
So many of these are relatable - but the weight one...honestly I spent the last 6 months of being 29 on a strict diet so I would be "thin for my thirties"
I didn't enjoy my birthday. I denied myself drink, cake, meals out because I was scared of putting it back on.
Lol I'm now 31 and fatter than I was at 29.
I'm now over that need - and I feel comfortable in my size but honestly. Anyone reading thinking of losing weight for an event - Don't
I love this! I'm 30 next month and was basically starving myself to be "thin" for it. Then I realised a few weeks ago, I've ruined the whole of 2021 so far being miserable and hungry, we're still in lockdown and I'm not going to be able to doing anything so I don't know why I was making myself miserable 😂
That is an important warning!
I don't even know how many stories I heard like that: somebody starting out with a perfectly nice body, _feeling_ fat because of media / toxic comments from others, and then after a few years (or worse: decades) of jojo-dieting the reward for that so-called "self-control" is extra weight.
Moral of the story: any photoshopped image is a poisonous lie.
Also, people always tell me I’d change my mind about not wanting kids, and I hate that. I have not wanted kids since I was old enough to think about such things, and my mind won’t change. Just letting anyone else who has gone through this know I support you!
The part about acing school really hits home. I spent almost all of my school years quantifying my self-esteem through grades, and although I tried reminding myself that grades are just numbers in uni, I was still disappointed in myself when i didn't graduate with distinction. Now a year after getting my degree, I'm happier knowing that I'm curious, I like learning new things, and I can actually retain more information when I learn at my own pace.
Agree agree agree! I enjoy learning so much more now than I did in education because there's no test at the end! And if I want to research something in loads of depth there's time, and if I'm not super interested and I just want to skim over something I can! And I'm learning just because I want to, not because I need a specific qualification to get a specific job so that I can pay my rent (and my student loans :/)
I'm having the opposite crises where now that I don't have structured learning I'm at a loss! (Though also starting a new career, so trying not to get hung up on that I'm less of an intellectual)
@@thenopedetective Leaving school or going through any big life change always takes some time to adjust! You know yourself best, but I don't think that that makes you less of an intellectual. Some people thrive in structured learning, others don't. Doesn't mean you don't have a desire to learn
I feel like I'm in a hell pit right now trying to get though school and it's because of those exact things. I love learning but at my own pace and I HATE that right now my persona is being quantified to a single number
@@SAMoralesTP You'll get through it! I know it's difficult, but try to remember that you're more than the numbers.
26! I guess I didn't move out yet? Tho I either didn't have plans for the future or had dark ones, so I'm good. I'm also single, librarian (that low paying job), with no kids or pets - and my god, I love it.
When I see/hear others - with their cars and houses and kids and vacations sometimes I feel like I don't have enough, that I didn't accomplish enough, but then I remember that I don't want what they have. I just want to be save and read books and laugh at dick jokes. That's my dream life.
I never had dreams and I still don't really and I don't feel bad about it.
How do you like being a librarian? Every time I mention that it might be something I'm interested in, people love to point out how little money it makes and then I spiral about it for awhile.
@@boredness6789 I feel you! It got to me so much that whenever I was talking about my job I always first said that it doesn't pay well.
Honestly, I love it. I'm working with data bases - buying them, maintaining the systems, but I also "just" lend people our stuff.
I prefer having less money but working a job I like and am happy to go to - and the one that allows me to have "me time" after work, where I don't have to be stressed about something or use my time to work more.
All in all, would recommend! Obv it depends on the money - if you can actually live on the amount they can offer you.
@@KingaZajacNNR That's great! I think I'm in a similar mindset about not taking work home with you and doing what you're actually interested in even if it doesn't make you a ton of money. Thanks for the response!
Reminder you don’t have to give up saving, reading books and laughing at dick jokes to have a car, house, kids and vacations. Yes it’s a bit harder but you can have both
@@BookNomming oh yes! I meant that those are the things that other people may treat like the signs of success and adulthood but for me non of it is something that I want
I’m 30 since September, still living at home with parents, and only just got my first post-college “adult job” in 2020. We each have to go through life at our own pace based on the experiences we’ve had/having. It’s nice to hear this comforting yet constructive conversation happening in this comment section 💛
That’s really comforting to hear. I will be 30 when I’m done with my degree and then hopefully get my first real full time job and I’m kinda terrified 😅
@@littlemusic4x there’s no disadvantage starting your career at this age. We’ve so much to give 😊
Same, I only got an "adult job" last year (31) and will finish with my degree this summer. Life isn't a straight line and we all go through different paths. In my 20s I was going through the hardest time, I'm glad it's over. We don't start from the same point and some are more privileged that others, comparison is a trap -and a recipe for disappointment.
@@marjiemarjie5088 exactly- wise words ✨✨
this was really comforting, Im turning 30 in september too lamo and Im still struggling to find my first "adult job", Ive finished college, and am currently (post pandemic) doing volunteer work rn... I must say Im relieved to see that there are more people my age who havent yet or only just gotten thier first "adulty job", so thank you for sharing this!
I’m going to be 17 next month, and I genuinely thought I’d have a boyfriend and at least a first kiss, etc etc but instead I’ve learned so much more about myself, realised that I’m gay and accepted that it’s going to take me a little bit longer than everyone else to get to those firsts and milestones and that that’s okay 😊
That’s amazing! Good for you!
Congratulations on the self knowledge!! 💜
To be fair first kisses are not brilliant and the whole idea of a first kiss or losing virginity should be dismantled because all of that gets better with practice and the right partner. It’s more important to choose the right partner than get it all over and done with
Congratulations, love the self-insight!
Turning 17 to in April!
I'm 26 and feel my biggest failure is not finding my "perfect job'', which I thought I would this side of 25. Right now I work in customer service and feel people don't take me seriously because of it.
Hey Caitlin, I'm 28 and I still don't know what career I want. I'm not so sure a 'perfect job' exists for me, and that's ok.
Even if I did find a job that seemed like the 'perfect job', I may feel differently about it in a few years.
I've felt the way you described in the past. And over time, I've learnt that my job isn't who I am. It just funds what I love to do and pays for experiences that do contribute to who I am.
Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days, but most people do. Working in customer services is a difficult job and you are certainly not a failure.
I hope this comment helps in some way. Although everyone is different, so what has worked for me might not work for you. I do hope either way that things work out for you.
I'm 25 and a (almost) qualified chartered accountant. One of the best jobs I had was working as a customer service assistant in Tesco. Had the best people, it fitted in with my lifestyle and I could do the job without thinking. Would love to have a job that I love again! Sometimes having the glamorous job title is not all its cracked up to be.
Thank you for your kind replies! It's a great reminder that your job is not the be all and end all (despite what they tell you at school).
I read this and thought to myself: this is my life. I’m 26 and I feel four years behind everyone. That I should be years into a career by now, ideally "the" career. Up until a month ago I worked in customer service, in retail, and felt like my job was a joke. Felt even lamer every time I lied tried to inflate the job to look prestigious.
Now I have a new job. It meets so many -if not all- the hopes, I love it. But I immediately feel not prestigious again. & realizing this I see that the job isn’t what needs to change, my confidence does. I called a friend today, she’s 29 and I could tell my new job bummed her out -to her I have the prestigious job. It’s all perspective.
I will try not to lie, to tell people my job and let them think what they may, I will only seek to better my life, not to better my status.
I'm in the same boat. I hate that people (myself included) have this judgement that we need a "proper career". It doesn't matter. If you can pay your bills and use your free time to do something meaningful for yourself you don't need to do it while you're on the clock.
I'm 22 and still haven't learnt how to apply winged eyeliner without looking like it was done in the dark by a racoon, but I have learnt that my inability to do makeup doesn't even matter :)
I'm 32 and I still can't do it. Thankfully it hasn't impacted my life too much ;) haha
it really doesnt. there are times where i go to work and my mke up is trash. my coworkers dont see any different.
28 and still can't!
If you want a tipp :) (idk how « thick » you want it) but what I do is i follow the like of my undereye on each side and it turns out great
I love this video. I'm 24 and I've been freaking out obsessing over all my goals because I feel like life has been at such a standstill especially this past year. So much anxiety and its all not even worth the stress.
YES! Also 24, and I'm constantly pending between what I should do...
Should I move out of my parents and get an apartment? It would improve my "free time" as I'm feeling tied down to keeping them company, but I'd also probably feel alone as I wouldn't want to live in the same city as we live in now, aka living completely alone and not know a single soul (also hard to explore a new city properly at the moment?). On the other hand, do I even want an apartment in a city? I feel a lot better out in nature, but I want the city experience as well?
But what about if I start uni (like, properly, right now I'm only doing online courses as I couldn't get into my first option this fall), then I have to move? But also, as soon as this pandemic is over and we can travel again, I'm out of here and I'm going on that vacation/trip I had planned that was suppose to take of end of march last year!
Ah, first world problems to have, but they're doing my head in and this pandemic is fucking my shit up (if I'm going to go into "poor me" mood, which I'm still not 100% over...)...
Sorry for the rant 😂
@@someonespostcards4785 wow that is a lot of stuff, i think you should stop pressuring yourself. At first you should take a look at your finanical status and the question, do i can afford it. That will make it easier to make the right dicision. Good luck.
This was refreshing. I will be 30 in about 6 weeks time and I actually married at 22, had my first child at 25, my second at 27 and am expecting another. We bought our first home when I was 28. And yet none of these things define who I am or what I’ve ‘achieved’ with my life. The things I’ve read, the experience I’ve had, even the opinions I’ve formed say far more about me than when I married or had children. I love my husband and children immensely and I love that they came into my life young but that is no way means I’ve arrived or that I’m more successful that my peers who lead very different lives. I’m grateful for perspectives that value a person for who they are not what they’ve ‘achieved’.
I love this!
I'm 23, never been on a date with a guy or been kissed, stuck in a job that I got a month back that i thought I was happy about not being unemployed anymore but now I'm not so sure about it. so there's a lot of things I wish I had accomplished by my age but haven't and makes me feel like a failure. But the onlyy thing I'm feeling positive about is my health & fitness. Exercising moderately helped me a lot during covid and I'm finally feeling good about my body.
Also it's so nice to read about everyone's experiences here. And Thanks leena for this 20s toolkit series. You really make me think so extensively about the world and my place in it.
Similar situation!
Very similar situation. So reassuring knowing others are the same:)
Y'all are making me feel young I'm 16 turning 17 in April lol
@@ceci9570 hahah u are young just enjoy it, i'm only 20 but the most fun i had when i was 16-17 only felt great cuz i wasn't dwelling on age and i was just myself and spent quality time with my friends
You asked for it: I'm in my late thirties and have NOT: married, had kids, learned to drive, bought a house, got top marks in every exam evarrrrr, got back down to the weight I was in final year of uni (FWIW the most stressful year OF MY LIFE). I subscribe to the Kat Stratford (10 Things) school of "I'm a firm believer in doing things for my own reasons and not someone else's" ; )
Sounds like me, I am in my very late thirties, chronically single, don’t drive, am overweight, don’t own property and don’t earn enough with my 2 part-time jobs ( that I love). They have nothing to do with my degree! I work with children, and I have a niece and nephew, so that fills my heart enough to make up for not having a partner and children!
Due to my socioeconomic background it has taken me until 30s to be out of 'survival mode'. This is the first time I've had the finaicalfreedom to even figure out what I want from my life, I'm retraining because I chose my first career to live not because I like it. I don't own a home but I dream of working in different places, so is owning one even a good idea? I don't kids either. So on paper, I guess I haven't 'achieved' any of the standard markers of success, but honestly, I don't want any of them 😅.
I do have a existential crisis every so often but I know that I've made the right decision for myself.
Your point about how we don’t comment on the choices of people who do get married and have kids, and yet we feel like we have the right to do that to single people and couples without children is so damn true and important! Thank you Leena
I'm 27 working as an assistant outside of my preferred field and still living in a town I don't like, 30 minutes away from where I grew up. By this point in life I thought I'd have a museum job, possibly be through grad school, and be living in a larger city. I was the salutatorian of my high school graduating class and got a full ride scholarship to a university in New York. I thought that I was set up for success and would have a solid career trajectory, but adjusting to college in a major city after growing up in a small rural town lead to mental health issues and I struggled in college. I am honestly a great example of how high school grades mean nothing when you get into the "real world."
You're Rory Gilmore!
I'm 21 and when I was a child/teen I thought I'd have kids at 23, HOW did I think I would financially cover that?!
I'm 24 and I definitely thought I'd have my weight "under control" and know "how to eat right" by now. I didn't want to get a tattoo until I was skinny so it wouldn't warp and stretch. Instead I went ahead and got one yesterday, at the heaviest I've ever been.
Good for you!! xxx
My parents only got married in 2019 and only for tax reasons. My dad owned our house, so if my dad died and my parents weren’t married, then my mum would have had to pay 40% inheritance tax to keep the house she’s lived in for over 25 years. But now that they’re married, if something were to happen to my dad then my mum owns the house tax free and gets to carry on living there. Only reason they bothered to get married
I'm 17 and I just wanna have fun in my twenties. I feel like I've missed out on the whole teen experience so I just wanna have fun with my friends and my life goal is to be content. I feel like happiness comes and goes but being content with your life is what it's about.
This exactly!
But you're still a teen ^^
Aaaand the whole 'teen experience' is a made up thing by media that only like 30% actually come close to
Really like that point about doing experiences that would still be meaningful to you if you'd never taken a camera or showed it off on social media
I did my twenties backwards. I married at 21, bought a house at 23, started university at 25, and will be graduating/starting my career at 30. Everyone's journey is so different! We should all just focus on our own rather than worrying about what everyone else is doing :)
25 and still living at home with my parents. Just got a really great job that I can literally walk to and plan to save up money from that so I can move overseas. I think you need to be patient in your 20s. Hopefully, in a few years’ time I’ll be able to be where I want to be thanks to saving up now. (So, yeah, I don’t feel bad about not owning a house!)
Im 26. I used to think I would be married by now, have a kid or two, and have a university degree. In reality I wound up battling schizophrenia for 3-4 years in my late teens/early twenties, so everything else became kinda irrelevant at the time. Im completely fine and healthy now, in a long term relationship, not so sure about the whole having kids and marriage thing, and I am currently a university student. I often feel like im so behind everyone else, but its really not that bad. And like... I literally overcame schizophrenia? Not to toot my own horn, but imo thats pretty badass
I'm 31 and if I'm not careful I get really down on myself for not having a career. I try hard to remind myself that identifying people solely by their job title is a reductive mistake, and I'm just more complicated than that. Ironically letting go of the idea that I need to pick one thing to do forever has allowed me to actually make progress on the work I love... I hope everybody can let themselves off the hook a bit, too! We are not all the same, so why should our lives be?
Please make a video about having/not having children 🙏🏼✨
With book recommendations please
"I feel like being 30 is explaining yourself to your 20 year old self, and being like... 'You know those metrics you put in place for success? Those were thoroughly under researched.'"
omg I need this tattooed on the backs of my eyelids, thank you Leena!!!! 😎
“Children should be wanted” YES MA’AM
I'm 31. The main thing I haven't done is I haven't figured out what I want my career to be. Feels pretty shit, tbh.
Sometimes it's a little weird how much listening to you can feel like listening to the best parts of my own brain but just coming from someone else. Anyway, this was very comforting and included a bunch of good reminders and things to reflect on a little more, so thank you!
That's so on point! Thanks for putting this feeling into words for me ;)
Ok, I'm in my early 50s and I 100% agree with everything you say here. We are all on our own journey. Don't let other people's criteria rule your world.
In 2019, I graduated college and was ready for the next step of my “perfect plan”. I had gotten my music teaching degree, paid off my debt while in school, and also had my own business. I got my first public school job and HATED IT. I was treated poorly and my colleagues were terrible. I knew it would make me look bad to quit in the middle of the year, so I suffered through the full school year (which turned out to be the year of COVID) and at the end of the year, I absolutely “ruined” my career by moving from my home state of New Jersey to Oregon for pretty much no reason other than I wanted to. Now I’m full time self- employed, living in a beautiful, quiet place, and happier than ever even though I don’t have as much on paper “success” as I thought I should at this age. Thanks for this video and thanks for encouraging people to do what is right for them & not what’s right for other people.
I'm 26 turning 27 and I really thought that by now I'd have a job, a house, a dog and a kid lol. Turns out I'm an intern and considering changing life by studying psychology in Sept! Seeing ppl around you getting kids and houses can be upsetting; but each to their own and what is meant for me will be :)
I'm 27, and I haven't finished my education yet (started university in 2013). I don't really feel bad about it because most of it is due to the fact that I spent two years working full time at my student union, and the delay feels reasonable to most people when I explain it, but I'm definitely not where I expected to be. I don't remember having a lot of expectations in my early twenties, but I think I imagined a more straight line to a "stable life", which definitely didn't happen
Omg I did the same thing! I graduated at 28, but I have zero regrets. I feel like I learned so much in my student union, it's like I got a second degree, even if it's a bit harder to explain at job interviews ^^
@@bloublabligloblu wow cool! Totally agree about the second degree thing. I've learned so many things from the student union that I could never have gotten from the university!
I just turned 20 and I thought by now I would be in my third year at university, and I didn't even enrol! I'm not exaggerating when I say all my friends went to university and I was the only odd one out. Some days I feel pretty left out and like I really missed out on something, but then I remember all the freedom I have! Also, I would hate to be stuck doing a degree I feel an obligation to finish, even though I'm not enjoying it (a situation a few of my friends have found themselves in)
I'm 21 and the idea of doing a degree in a specific area scares me. Like what if i didnt get a job with the degree and my effort gets wasted in the end.
i started uni at 17 and it was the worst decision of my life, i completely peer pressured myself into it and its been all turmoil since, I'm 23 now and I'm going through classes one at a time just to get through undergrad, I cannot stress this enough only go to school (esp when you're paying for it) when you're ready and take it at the pace you can handle, don't feel pressure to go or to overload yourself with classes cause you think that's what it means to be accomplished!
Same! I didn’t go uni but I’m glad it didn’t it wasn’t right for me. But grass is always greener on the other side
@@WannabeWriter100 that’s so interesting to hear. I’m 21, had a pretty good career tbh. But i feel so fucking lonely and isolated. Just work and sleep. Wish i had that fun uni experience but i know that only works out for some
Im in uni and while I'm grateful that my grandparents can help me with part of the expenses, I really regret not taking more time to decide what I wanted to do before I committed to something I kinda cant get out of now. I envy your freedom!
Weirdly enough, I accomplished things I didn’t expect to. I never thought I’d want to get married or go to grad school, especially at 24, but both have brought me so much purpose. I thought my twenties would be traveling, partying, dating around and figuring things out when they’ve ended up being much more traditional and contemplative than I ever imagined.
OMG THE THING ABOUT ROUTINE IS SO TRUE !! I am a person who feels so boxed in with routine, my roommate loves routine, and i’ve often noticed that when i’m upset or going through a depressive episode she will suggest that it’s because I don’t have a clear routine. Like everyone in this society she has been taught that routine is the only way to care for yourself and live a “healthy” life and i’m very glad it works for her ! To me, however, it makes me feel really panicked and I’ve never seen it even mentioned anywhere that maybe some people just aren’t meant to have a routine. I’m not even out of my 20’s yet but I’ve firmly decided to live my life in chaos, most people think this makes me crazy but it actually stops me from going crazy.
Loved what you said about travelling ! In my gap year before uni, I only travelled to a couple of places that really meant something to me - one of which was the area in Italy where Call Me By Your Name was made. Absolutely beautiful and life-changing experience, and all my family & friends had no recognition of what the pictures were when I showed them😂
omg, I had in plans to go there in 2020 and then pandemic hit 😩
Leena. You’re killing it.
⚔️ xxx
People say, "you'll change your mind about kids." Makes me want to scream! Yeah I MIGHT be great at it.. I might be great at skydiving, I also don't want to do either.
32 and not found a "stable career path". The thing that is "my thing" and that I should be working in.
And... Well, there is a more, but I find myself deleting the words as soon as I type them. So I guess I am not comfortable enough to say..
YES to the routines thing!!! I have never had a routine that I kept up for more than 2 days. I find them stressful (and guilt-inducing when I inevitably don't complete them) and I have never had one that worked. I've been thinking the same thing about "maybe my brain isn't built that way" for a while now- but hearing you confirm that really made me feel validated in my own experience. So thank you!!!
Same!! The absolute stress and guilt (and then self-blame) routines bring me, ooof. And then being surprised when I feel relief and mental space to actually do stuff when I finally let go of (an idea) of a routine. Very reassuring and validating indeed to hear I'm not alone in it.
Right?? THE GUILT 😩 I always felt like if I found the right routine, my life would be peaceful and everything would feel right 😌 but then I went through some phases where I journaled and meditated and did yoga and cooked according to a meal plan and, while I felt satisfied.. I didn't feel any peace or other magic. Just lots of guilt if I didn't do it all. Now I just make tiny to-do lists every day (go outside, do dishes, read, try new recipe), and I only force myself into routines when I'm not doing well, to create some stability and to keep moving a little bit (physically as well as mentally).
I have a bit of a routine at the moment but only because lockdown was driving me mad, I needed some structure in my day to make me feel more sane and remind me to do things that were good for me like drinking water, eating vegetables, going outside and trying to maintain a sleep schedule. Once we’re allowed out I will be abandoning it all because then it will feel restrictive or I’ll fail at it and get mad
two of my cousins have bought flats with their boyfriends (both were about 22 or 23 at that point) and one of them already broke up that relationship only months after moving into their new place. meanwhile, i (now 24 yrs old) can't see myself settling down anywhere anytime soon. which is why i moved to salzburg a few months ago! it's not even close to the experience i thought it would be due to *gestures broadly* and i know it's not the place where i want to spend the rest of my life, but i'm still really glad i did it and i love the freedom of just living somewhere for a year or so and moving on again
That‘s really cool that just went somewhere to see how it is. I want to go abroad for a term but the panini is making it impossible to plan those things.
Wow!! Good for you for doing that!
I'm 28 and have been (not so) low-key stressing about finishing my education. After finishing school, I directly went to uni and have been a student for 10 years. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything and haven't started "living" yet - whatever that means. The people around me have already started doing the things they love and being "a productive member of society".
But ignoring the whole context of this situation (= my life), is excellent fuel for negative self talk. I've been struggling with depression, had 2 rather serious medical incidents and realized a year ago that I'm trans. My education and my grade are a part of me - but definitely do NOT define me.
Struggle is real though, Lena. Loved your video. It helped tons. Sometimes you just need more and better arguments against your own negative self-talk.
I'm 26 and have been unemployed for almost a year (lost a job I loved due to the pandemic) and I've been slowly realising just how much self worth I based on my career and the job I had. Not working and not being able to get a job (albeit in a ridiculously turbulent time!) has made me feel like a huge failure, especially as I approach 27. I've been trying really hard to fight that failure feeling and learning to accept that sometimes things really are just out of our control. And also that.. even though one area of our life might not be great right now, it doesn't have to mean the other areas (family, friendships, sense of self worth) have to suffer as a result. Only being happy when every part of your life is in perfect alignment ain't gonna cut it.
I'll be 30 in a little over a month and having a hard time dealing with it. I never thought I would be married with kids and a house by the time I'd turn 30, but I did want to explore and get to know myself and I don't feel I have done enough of that.
I still don't even know if I want to have kids or be married and it's very upsetting not being able to make a decision. Especially in the kids department, since it's not like I have decades to figure it out. I've also moved countries a few times and as a consequence I haven't really been able to build a solid support system. Now that I crave more economic and social stability, I feel I've been too erratic.
I know everyone has their journey and life is always a work in progress, and at least I do feel more confident in my body, but it definitely makes me sad I'm not half the self-assured woman I hoped I would be by now.
This was so comforting. I'll be 27 in a couple of weeks and I had all these plans I wanted to have accomplished by now. Things like romantic relationships/marriage--I've never been in a romantic relationship, but I'm happy with the friendships and love I do have. I accomplished the goal of getting a full time job in September, only to realize I don't want this job and now am trying to find out what I do want. So it's definitely been an interesting time lol I'm learning to be okay with this, and learning that not everything needs to be completed by a certain date
EVERYTHING. FEELS. BIGGER. THAN. IT. IS. ohemgee. I’ve just been feeling like the shittiest person for just failing in every aspect of my life. 🥲
You' re not failing you are learning and every day you got the chance to make it better
mid-twenties and never gone on a date / had a relationship / kiss anyone gang rise up lol ✌️✌️✌️
I didn't finish college. I dropped out due to some extreme personal circumstances, tried going back, left again due to personal circumstances and haven't finished. I'm 29, my birthday is this Sunday and I'll be 30. Whenever I get into the mindset of "I 'should have' finished by now" I say "don't 'should' all over yourself" because it's really just shit talk and my consciousness doesn't need the burden of 'should have' and self attacks. But this is a nice reminder that other people do this, we aren't alone in that self-flagellating talk, and that we aren't bad for following our own timelines and choices. The shame isn't necessary. Thank you for the reminder.
'lockdown brain, over-commitment to other things and general mismanagement' is such an accurate description of my life RN
Haha glad I'm not the only one 😂
lol, me but without the overcommitment to other things
28 and have still failed at figuring out what kind of job I actually want!
"Grades and education are totally different things" is something so many stressed students need to hear.
I just turned 27 and I'm unmarried, no children, and ended up moving back in with my parents a few years ago. So definitely not where I thought I'd be, but at least I'm in a career field I love and will hopefully be finding my own apartment once the pandemic's over.
Also I'm 23 and feel like I failed because I never found a secondary school/uni 'sweetheart' to settle down with. And even tho I have a decent job with pension and good degree, that anxious 'I've failed' and 'I need to be doing more' is a daily commentary. Will we ever be happy 😂
I'm 22 and I found what everyone calls my "secondary/uni sweetheart/soulmate to settle down with" but I've realised I am gay and idk how to leave now because everyone expects us to get married because we are "perfect". so I feel like I've failed as well hahah, just in a different way. The anxiety is crazy! Enjoy being single ! Congrats on your job - especially during this pandemic. I hope you realise that you don't need to be doing more - you're enough! x
@@sleepybrain9142 Please come clean and get out of that relationship as soon as you can, for the sake of both of you. The longer you keep it going, the harder it will be for everyone. Take it from someone who was on the other side of that relationship. The way he dealt with it and all the lying really messed me up for a few years.
Sorry to be a Debby downer, congratulations on your self realisation 😁 xx
@@nicolelake5848 Hi Nicole, thank you for this message! This is kind of the final push I needed, to be honest. Thank you for that!
I feel bad about all of this and I'm so sorry that you went through that! I don't want to be an ex that he hates because of this... I love him so much, I just didn't realise that it was different to how I feel about women. I didn't lie to him all of these years, it's definitely a recent revelation
I hope you feel better and are doing better now! You sound like a lovely person - you're not a "Debbie Downer", you're a Nice Nicole, hahah! Thank you for responding :)
@@sleepybrain9142 Congratulations! I don’t even know you and I’m proud of you 😁 . Thank you, I’m doing a lot better now, counselling really helped. Be strong and live your best life. Xx
Stunmbled across your videos whilst watching one with Hannah Witton and I've binged so many since! This was really helpful. I'm 29 nearly 30 in a month. By now I thought I would be in the job/career I was destined for and have kids and be married. But kids aren't on the horizon yet which thank god, I am in a job I like but still looking for a better one and about to get married :) thank you for making me feel better about my choices!
29 and: Haven't had a kid, don't own my own business(working towards it), Did not graduate from college (my dream job does not require a degree I merely use experience), I'm now 3 years engaged because (pandemic) so many changes of our minds on when or if we want to actually be married because we've already been together 9 years. I think my thirties are going to be great because I've finally gotten my head out of the clouds I have a clear picture of where I want to go. Because I spent most of my twenties clueless as to who I wanted to be I was busy getting my mistakes figured out.
"Reckoning with you younger self and forgiving them for being so wrong about what would make you happy" YES
I live in the US and honestly, the thought of being tied down to one place by a house makes me depressed (not to mention the debt). I agree that renting can be sh*tty, but I think the freedom it allows you to just pick up and go somewhere else is really nice
uff the one about being skinny later in life is still one i struggle with. when i was a kid i loved the sound of music and i thought that once you turn Liesl age you are definitely just gonna be as beautiful as she is, like I just thought by sixteen everyone looks like that
I have the same story with another movie I was utterly disappointed haha
Oof me too..Doesn't help either that the actress playing Leisl was actually 23 and not 16 but the whole 'adults playing younger characters than they are' is a whole other kettle of fish for setting up false expectations of reality
@@lucymalpas1221 true and when I found out she was much older than the age she portayed i was like "ok so I have more time". And i mean to be fair, I'm now older than the actress was at the time but I do also feel like i look like a grown up, the way she did at the time. Not as thin and she was an absolutely stunning actress but hey, i don't need to be thin (she says hoping to internalize it)
I got sterilized at 28, I'm turning 31 this year. Still best decision i ever made, apart from moving far away from my conservative home town and getting breast reduction surgery. Don't let people talk you into something you don't actively want! These people may leave your life at some point, but you'll have to stay with yourself forever. So it's really important that you're okay with yourself and your own, authentic choices.
"put the gun down and have a sandwich". Full of life mottos in this video!!
The poem is linked in the description if you Wana read the whole thing 💜
@@leenanorms Wonderful, thank you so much!! :)
"Lockdown brain" is the new "pregnancy brain" without the fetus but with all the confusion and crisis
oh my god, you're absolutely right
I've already commented but I'm commenting again! Grading humanities is a weird one but grading art, like straight-up paintings, is just completely beyond reason and makes no sense. I have a feeling that grading artists killed more artists than it supported.
I’m 28 and I still don’t know what I want to do in life (career, children). No special passion or drive that would show me the way. I understand from experience that people see that as unattractive. I’ve beaten myself up for it all my life but I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that I’m okay with where I’m at.
SAME SAME SAME.
I would love to have goals for where I want to b,e or a field I want to excel in.... but to be honest, apart from being happy, I have no idea what I want out of life.
I think that being told "do whatever you want" has been a great burden for those of us who don't know what that is.
This was amazing! I’m turning 30 this year and I’m not at all where I thought I’d be 10 years ago. I thought I’d have a fulltime steady job, be married and own a house in a small town in the region I’m from. Instead I’m a single PhD student living abroad with a dog. Most of the time I love it, and I don’t think I will ever want to have that life I thought I would have. Although maybe in another 10 years that will have completely changed again. Who knows...
i'm realising as i get further into university that i actually don't regret not leaving coventry. i went to school in balsall, go to coventry university, plan on living in and around coventry or leamington and eventually having my nan or my parents house off them in the villages around cov. for ages i was caught in the lie that you had to go out and see the world during uni and do an international placement year, but that's just not for me and that's okay, and your videos really helped with that.
I'm 30, I did do a fair lot of the things you mentioned but what I love about this is that you come to realize these don't matter at all unless they matter to you, and that's the only important bit. 30 is an overrated age, all ages offer the opportunity to be and do whatever, when we are young we don't know this simply because we haven't lived at least 3 decades yet. And, frankly, that's fine. None of this is bad, it's just life.
I'm 23 and I don't have a degree, or my mental health sorted out (as of yet). I am also in the not wanting children club and have known this since I was quite young and have always hated the way that my parents and other people have talked down to me when I have expressed this.
On the children thing. I'm begging you all to please only have children if you want to have them! No human deserves to be brought into the world out of duty. Appreciate there are alternative circumstances but generally speaking, if you aren't completely sure you definitely want them, it's ok for you to decide not to.
I think I needed this type of video as a teenager - as in, someone in their 20s talking about the things they didn't do in their teens. Now that I'm in my late 20s I'm a lot less caught up in accomplishing certain milestones and more forgiving of myself than I was at 19.
I'm 18 and I thought I would not live with my parents right now, I also think a lot about needing to be single in my 20s even though I am in a very happy relationship. And accomplishing things by a specific age, like kids or a house or a steady income, but I have the blessing(?) that my mom got me at almost 40, so I know life always looks different
I'm 19 and living at home which is what it is, but my parents and grandma like the tell me how old they were when they moved out. My mum left at 17 to move in with a boyfriend, my stepdad left at 16 because he got a fishing job and needed to move and my grandma went to London at 14 to get out of a toxic home environment. I haven't got a reason to leave so why should I?
I've never been in a relationship which weirdly people seem to think means that I'm 'saving myself' and that I'm 'better' which is bs. I'm not in a relationship because I've never had a high opinion of myself and through lack of opportunity, not my 'high morals'.
I am not very good at long term planning but tried to set goals with my weight. Throughout lockdown I've managed to lose a stone and whilst I'm still overweight, I feel better about myself.
My mantra for everything now is 'it is what it is'. There's still loads left to go wrong but I just want to enjoy the shitshow.
I'm 23 and really loving your 20s toolkit videos - makes me think about things I never considered before!
I’m 32 and I didn’t get my MS degree until after I was 30.
Liked for the marriage rant. Remembering you are always in a thrupple with the government is what I needed today.
I’m 20 and just realized yesterday that routines aren’t for me. I have been trying for over like 3 years to find a perfect routine, and they just stress me out and make me feel guilty and like I can’t be consistent to save my life when I fail to do them.
I'm 24 and I thought I would have moved out of my parents house by now :(
Hey Hazel- I'm in the same boat. I'm in a really low paid role rn so have to stay at home. Hoping to get another and move out this year but it's tough. Oddly, my friends who have moved out are jealous of me rn. It'll come to us I'm sure 🙏🏻
I didn't move out until I was 27, don't worry, your time will come!
Ah the marriage conversation. I’m 22 and have just realised I never want to get married! I learnt about the history of marriage and divorce and what marriage meant for women and I could never. As I women you gave up your human rights, your name, your identity... not an institution I could get on board with!
I'm 36. I thought by this time I'd be married (or already divorced) with at least two kids, who are about 10 years old now...I'd have a family house and a well paying job bcs for sure I did not want to be a stay at home mom.
Reality: I bought my own apartment only last year, in the capitol city, no boyfriend, no kids, but I do have a well paying job, although I'm not really enjoying it, even though I think I'm good at it. But the more time went by, the less I knew what I wanted to do in my life...
I totally get what you're saying about marriage, and I feel like I want to justify the whole thing myself, but then again inside I have that urge to be able to say I am married and had a beautiful wedding with nice photos, had the chance to dress up nicely, had the chance for a guy to look at me with a bright smile as I walk down the isle...you know? Yeah, yeah, it's the upbringing, us girls were brought up to think that this is our goal in life. But is it bad to have wanted to do this as well?
As a kid, even back then I never thought I'd be able to stay married for 20-30-40 years, I just did not think there is another human in the world, whose face I would wanna see every day for the rest of my life. :D It seemed impossible to me. But still I wanted to get married. And even though I never thought of myself as a mom, I still did not think I would ever be childless, life just seemed so pointless after 40 if you don't have kids. And to be honest, I am getting to the point where I am going out of time and sometimes feel like my life is pointless not having a family...but I know I would never be the mom who sacrifices herself fully just for the kids. SO I am still debating back and forth on marriage and kids and I can't say it peacefully since ten years that I'm OK with the fact that I might die alone without children. But then again I am not breaking my neck trying to find a guy just to make me pregnant either, you know what I mean? It's just sooooo hard....
I don't have the same pessimism as you about marriage, but I do see your point. I am married and I see it as a way to give my parents less legal rights than my spouse if something ever happened to me. Because the government is involved regardless. And to them I'm just a stranger in society, but to my parents I'm an asset they can control.
And yes, I'm aware not everyone has narcissist parents like myself, who always meet their needs before mine. But to me marriage seems like the lesser of two evils.
I had never considered this perspective before, so thank you for the comment :)
I'm 22 and I've never been in a relationship and honestly I think I've figured out, that they aren't really for me, at least not in the over represented monogamous form.
It gave me 2nd hand anxiety when you talked about being engaged at 22 😅
I had very literally 0 interest in relationships and couldn't ever see myself in one until I was 23 and met a very special person. Almost 30 now and still together which would have been sooo shocking to younger me 😂. Not saying that you need a relationship! Not at all, but it's worth staying open ^^
Same!! Even if a guy starts texting me too much, I’m like ew get away from me
@@WannabeWriter100 I envy this attitude, honestly. I’m 21 and have all but bought into the lie that something’s wrong with me cause I haven’t found “the one”
Hellou, I'm 21 years old (and feel very small hearing your points). What I've learnt the last few months is that most important for me is living life. Just doing, what feels good and appreciating yourself. At the moment I started my first semester at uni but instead of freaking out because I want to be the best of the best (as I used to do in school) I'm now leaning onto the side of let's go out, have some tea and take care of myself instead of obsessing over some grades. It just feels so much better. And also I think I'd like it much more to remember the goot time I had then being like "I never did anything cool whilst studying, but I achieved this now meaningless good grade.".
I'm in my mid 30s and I have not: have a kid, my own house, a pension plan, good enough savings. Honestly, all I can think of is just financial security at this point.
I’m almost 24 and feel like a complete failure and that my life is basically over because I haven’t had a long term relationship or bought a flat. But there are so many other things that I have done like moved to another country, travelled literally around the world, have a job that I love and almost finished with my degree. Sure a failure right? And quite honestly I love living with my parents and have absolutely no desire to live alone. Enjoy where you are in life because life is not a competition though we feel like it and when you move on to the next phase in life you won’t go back
I’m 22 and I only passed my driving test last September - I was determined to pass my test when I was 18 but money just kept running out! But that’s okay! I now can drive and have a decent car and feel so much more independent and appreciative than I would have at 18 (with probably more money that I didn’t spend on petrol)
I’m 21 and really want to drive but am so terrified:(
There's also much to be said about what these "failures" or "successes" do or do not indicate. I'm nearly 30, engaged, own my own home, and employed in a career, and I'm still not happy a significant part of the time. Nor do I think these "accomplishments" mean anything about how successful I am or am not as a human. Life is weird! Trying to focus on positive areas for growth and happy pleasures. (Ps love your videos very much, filed away under aforementioned happy pleasures.)
I really needed to hear this today, thanks as per usual Leena