My favourite thing to do if my house is untidy or I have a task I have been putting off for ages is pretend that I am a personal assistant for someone and that I am just there sorting out everything for them. I find it's great as it detaches the shame from the task and isolates it from your life which can really help
Yes! I don't really pretend I'm my own assistant, but I usually just try to put on some exciting ost and pretend I'm watching a movie montage of somebody else. It's amazing how distancing yourself from the "adult that needs to maintain their own life" can lessen the guilt from sometimes not being perfect at it and actually make the process way more fun
This is brilliant advice. I’m going to try this. With Living with ADHD I find cleaning very hard to do. The idea of being my own personal assistant feels like it will work.
specifically for studying, BREAKS DO NOT MEAN SCROLLING FOR HALF AN HOUR!!! get outside, do some yoga, heck even just walk to the toilet, just stop staring at a screen for a bit!
Very true. Your brain and eyes aren't taking a break from being stimulated if your break consists of looking at a screen. And that's why it feels like you had no break at all when going back to work!
A genuinely useful hack; I have is a spreadsheet of meals I enjoy making, I have them in different categories like “can’t be arsed” which is mainly oven pizza and cheesey chips, all the way through to “Gordon Ramsey who” which has roast dinners, curries etc. I just base it on how much I want to cook, then when I can’t make a choice I look at it and choose based on how I’m feeling when I don’t know exactly what I want to eat.
I created a special shelf in my panty. Picked my top 4 go-to meals, and organized them by recipe. Can’t think what to make? Open the pantry, pull everything to make taco soup, and done! Almost no thinking required. Then I know to put all those items on my next grocery order. It has really helped me eat better and save money, rather than living on drive thru.
i'm stealing that right now. gonna make an interactive spreadsheet in Notion! thanks for the idea, it's great for people dealing with mental health struggles
My tip: If you can't manage a whole task because it's too overwhelming, half-arse it. If you can't face a 30 min walk, do 10 mins, even if it's walking round your living room. If you can't manage to brush your teeth three times a day, just manage once a day. It's better to do something than nothing, and once the something becomes habit, you can build on it (or not - I've been brushing my teeth once a day for years and my teeth are fine. I didn't brush them at all before that (yes, I know it's gross, yes, I was severely depressed), so it's a big improvement).
This is so useful and true. For me brushing my teeth and self "bodily" care is hard too. After a period of time depressed I went to the dentist for cavities and til this day I so proud of myself because I told her my situation. I told her my cavities were a result of a weak mental state and I was not ashamed and I was trying to do things better and she said "I'm glad you're here", without judgment. That had such a positive effect on me that shifted my perspective. I also do it like the comment, I try to brush whenever I remember but If I do it just once in the day I try to feel accomplished!
Yes! I am a huge fan of chipping away at a task if you can't do the whole thing; write a couple of sentences of your email and save it as a draft, just wash a few dishes intead of the whole load, clean one part of the room rather than every surface. Best case scenario: when you do finish the task, part of it is already done. Worst case: you never complete it fully but at least part of it is done and you're no worse off than you were to start
yes!! and simplify those things so you can start building off the half-assed habits (like bringing gum w you or using mouthwash in the mornings instead of not doing anything) - it’s so life-changing (at least for me as someone w adhd it is)
Similar to a spy hour, I like to give myself "bored time" where I'm not actively doing anything or consuming any media. I like to do this outside in a park or even just lying on my floor. I keep a pen & paper with me to jot down anything I think of during this time that I want to revisit later, but then I let it go. It gives my brain room to breathe and I found that my most creative ideas or introspective moments have come from allowing myself this time on a regular basis. Would recommend!
I will often sit and doodle, to give my hands something to do, and just let my brain think thoughts in this way as well. It makes me feel like my brain is actually mine. Remains incredibly important to me as an artist and as a human :)
It sounds so simple, but I never thought of that! I usually have some noise going on in the background, like music or a podcast... might try spending some time with my own brain!
this is a selfcare tip at work: put your automatic out of office mail 2 days longer (1 day before and 1 day after) than your long holiday. People will leave you alone on your last day so you can finish things in peace and you have time to read and catch-up on your first day at work. It makes the holiday so much more enjoyable with longer lasting effects of being rested.
The 'admin dates' is great. There's something beautifully intimate about mundane activities with your friends - joining your friend on their supermarket run, or lifting your feet so they can hoover while you drink tea on their sofa. I have friend who often cooks while they're video calling me - it's not that they haven't made time for me, it's the opposite, they want to talk to me so much they will multitask to do it. Ok and I made myself tear up
Me and my friend were just talking about how much we love this and she called it parallel play which is hilarious since it's the exact thing really, just it describes a way toddlers socialize.
This!! I love it whenever I get to run errands with a friend but always feel so silly asking someone to run errands with me. Maybe I've just got to swallow my ego a bit more
Yesss! I love cooking whilst talking to people. I find it really hard to video chat and just sit, paying attention - I can't concentrate! But when I'm cooking or organising my wardrobe or something, I can do the task mindlessly whilst also paying the most attention to my friend and listening to them better.
I work in mental health and am currently taking a self-study course about self-care and resilience over burnout, because...mental health care worker. :) The biggest things I have learned so far: 1) Self-care is not always fun or comfortable in the moment. Self-care is maybe learning to say no, setting a boundary, forcing yourself to go to bed at a reasonable time. It is looking out for Future You (which I see in some other comments as well!) in the present. 2) The main point with self-care is how it makes you feel. Eating a scoop of ice cream to enjoy it? Can be self-care. Drowning your feelings by eating a whole tub of ice cream? Not self-care. Watching an episode and losing yourself for that time in your favorite show? Self-care! Binge watching (or reading) until 2am and knowing you have to be up at 6am for work? Not self-care. Before you do something, ask yourself how it will make you feel after you have done it. 3) And most of all, BE PATIENT with yourself. Maybe you decide to read the whole book and stay up till 2am, even though you know you will feel like shit tomorrow. That's okay. We are human and all screw up. Tell someone to keep yourself accountable, forgive yourself, and try to be better next time. Self-care looks different for everyone. It truly is a process (that I am still learning and practicing), and it is a process you should absolutely not have to go through alone. At the end of the day, self-care is not escape. Self-care helps you create a life you do not need to escape from. Thank you for all these practical tips, Leena! I really enjoyed this video. :)
Yes this is great! Reminds me of a course I took last fall where one of the lessons was defining for ourselves what activities are self-soothing and what are self-care, knowing that each have their place. To me escapism is self-soothing and can be useful but as you say it's definitely not the end goal.
Something I hold onto from my last relationship was the phrase “paper hat day” where all you had to do that day was make a little paper hat. We used to use it when one of us wasn’t feeling great mentally as it would take away that pressure of “this is free time so we HAVE to cram in every activity under the sun!” It just removed the guilt around not wanting to do anything, and reinforced the idea it was totally ok to just exist for that day and not overdo it.
this has made me think about how much I have been conditioned to think that 'self care' is meant to result in me 'looking better' when that's not what it should be at all.
Hahaha I started doing "spy hour" when I was about 12, I'd sign out of school and say I was going to the dentist and just go and find a nice park to sit in or read a book in and just come back to school when I was ready lol - Apparently my brother used to ask to go to the toilet and then teachers would see him walking around the playground for twenty minutes and just let him be, so it must run in the family
Self care really changed from age 20 to 25, self care used to be "gonna eat a hostess cupcake while watching Adventure time instead of homework because I'm stressedl" to "I'm gonna do the tedious back exercises or else the back pain will get worse and I'll need surgery to correct, then some lavender tea 🍵"
"What does future Mel need, right now?" To me this is such a powerful but general question that both encapsulates self care and makes it practical. I think it was Jessica Kellgren-Fozard that I heard it from, but it's both stuck with me and been useful to me ever since.
I do this too! But I usually use it when I'm thinking about a task, part of me decides nah I don't want to do that, and another part of me will chime in with, "C'mon, let's do something nice for Future Caitlin." I also use it in the reverse, when something I prepped helps me I think "Thanks Past Caitlin! Gosh she's really got it together."
I do this on days when I’m feeling shit. I think: „okay today-me already feels awfull, can I do one thing now that will help tomorrow-me?“ And usually that makes me feel better in the moment to.
Aw, Jessica is a self-care queen! We should listen to people with chronic illnesses more, honestly. Friends of mine with different illnesses/conditions/disabilities are way better at taking care of themselves and resting because they HAVE to, but they always tell me that I should as well, even if the reminders may not be as physical for others.
maybe not useful to everyone, but I like to pick a set distance to stand back from the mirror when I look at it. means I can fix my hair and make face while I brush my teeth without accidentally starting a skin evaluation. I don't need to unintentionally bring that energy into my life when I could just stand behind the third tile.
I stopped getting dressed in front of the mirror for that same reason. I only need to see the end product, I don’t need to watch the whole process which will always make me start self criticising
Something I've been trying to do to reframe my anxiety around work is assuming that things are good enough unless it's been proven otherwise. In the (perfect lol) justice system, people get to be innocent until proven guilty. So why do I constantly assume that I'm not good enough and need to do better? What if I can remind myself that no one has told me my work isn't good enough, and the only person saying that is me? I try to remind myself of that and I think it helps.
I've been thinking about this lately too! It's been helpful for me to think about it in terms of trust: I can trust my coworkers and supervisors to tell me if I'm not meeting their expectations. And if I trust them, then I know that if they haven't said anything then I am doing fine!
I've got less than a month left of my twenties and I'm trying to remind myself that you never need to stop improving and that everyone's timeline is different. As for the talisman idea? I use to work retail and a customer randomly gave me a laminated four leaf clover. She told me that she is really good at finding them and laminates them all and gives them away to people. She told me to keep it in my wallet for good luck. That was 7 years ago and it's still there and i think about it and the random kindness of this person and it always makes me feel at least a little better.
Its such a good point and I definitely need to move my books off my bedside table because I definitely look at them everyday and think " I really should read those soon". Bit of a switch around coming soon I think
OK JUST NEEDA SAY THANK YOU FOR MAKING A UNIQUE “THINGS I WISH I KNEW IN MY 20S” VIDEO. This was so much more interesting and helpful than a generic azz video. Anyway, I’m turning 30 next month but to everyone else: SAVE YOURSELVES❗️❗️❗️
omg....ive watched about all your videos Damon 😳 and now i got this recommended?? youve helped me changed my life and realise what I want at 19. you hella helped my mental health during this pandemic!
RE: The spy hour - some companies might be inquisitive as to what the meeting is, but usually if you say it’s a “focus hour” or a “deep work hour” - it’s essentially when you can get tasks done without anyone disturbing you, and it can be just as beneficial in a professional environment. We trialled this at my office job and it was super well received and has helped increase productivity. During that hour don’t be afraid to not do work constantly, too - getting a tea or coffee or refreshment/snack also helps focus your mind and give you room to breathe. We tend to schedule our focus work in the morning half of the day, but whatever works best for you!
A big part of my self care is to tend to my basic needs like eat, sleep, drink water and so on. Yes I do other stuff too, like drinking tea, make time for friends, bathing and so on. But, I feel like a lot of people don't see things like me making sure to brush my teath or Cook food as self care when in fact, I'm literally talking cara of myself and my body. Society makes us feel like that's the bare minimum and threfore doesn’t count but if you have mental health issues that might be the only kind of self care you are able to do. That and different kinds of escapism. Rant over. Thank you.
Very relatable. Every thing you do to care for yourself or others counts. Just because others don't notice it, doesn't mean it isn't important. It's part of self-preservation, which is THE worthwhile effort, overall. Elizabeth Gilbert said in an Interview that she thought it silly that people posted so much virtue-signalling BS about wanting to emerge from the lockdowns as swole, productive, perfect people. She said: just survive. That is enough. You can strive for more when the pandemic is under control. I took that to heart, because I had felt pressured to use the time in lockdown to become a shinier version of me (I turned into a more grateful and chunkier version of me lol). During lockdowns I felt really sad and started to make lists of things I had done that day, to make me realize: you're still doing something. Next to work assignments and a socially distanced shambles of a social life, there was a lot of mundane self-care on my lists (washed my hair, clipped my nails, cleared the desk, made dinner, walked the dog). It always made me feel like : you made it through the day, that's good, easy does it, carry on tomorrow. And it showed me that even during a lockdown, each day was a little bit different from the others. Might pick it up again, even though we're not in lockdown atm. Made me feel good.
I've been suffering with Depression for years, and can say with certainty, that looking after my own health, cleanliness, and general wellbeing is the most meaningful kind of self-care there is. These are the things that fall away from you last when your brain is done trying - and finding the energy to do them again is the first step to a good day, or, if you're lucky, a good week.
When I am tough situations I will remind myself that this is just a future memory. How do I want the memory to play out? It allows me to feel a little detached from the situation as if time has already elapsed and also helps me to pick what future Wendy would have wanted. Present Wendy always gets caught up trying to "fix" the issue as quickly as possible often to my detriment or gets bogged down in the emotional aspect
What I do for self care: 1. Remind myself to sing in the shower cuz it makes me happy 2. Dance in my room alone late at night 3. Make myself a nice hearty meal and eat it while watching my fave show 4. Carving some time out to talk to my friends to catch up with them and just have a laugh 5. Wear comfy clothes at home 6. Not wearing make up sometimes and not straightening my hair (I have curly hair) and just being my natural self 7. Not thinking too much while putting an outfit together and wear whatever makes me comfortable
One of the things I like to do when I feel like I'm in a rut is plan to have someone over to my place! I will plan for a meal or a coffee hangout with someone, which directly forces me to get my act together - clean the house, manage all the trash and recycling, burn my good candles, plan meals, try new recipes and cook large batches of food. All this, added to the main event - hanging out with a friend and the banter - leaves me satisfied and cared for. I feel like a 'proper' adult and gets me back on track.
I don't usually keep chocolate etc in my flat for self-care reasons ( I eat way too much of it if left to my own devices). When I want sweets, I need to go outside to get them. And thenI only buy one thing that I can eat in one sitting (one chocolate bar, for example, or one oolong boba tea). It may sound cumbersome to some people, but for me, it curbs impulsive eating, which is self-care for me. I got a little crazy during the pandemic stocking sweets, got heavier in the process, but now I adhere to my own rule again. Half the time, I don't wanna go to the shop just for one little croissant or whatever, so - it works for me.
I do that to. I can eat what I want and Nothing is good or bad. But when it comes to things that I have a tendency to eat in a way that makes me feel bad because I feel nauseated or sick etc, I have to go out and buy it. And if I really crave something I go buy it, and that is actually fun for me. It's a little trip and it feels like when I was little and my mom said we could go get ice cream. It gives more joy than just walking over to the freezer in my house.
Such good advice, I found that worked for me. I do know I need (like need) chocolate when I menstruate - so a few days before the PMS, I buy chocolate and popcorn and prepare some ideas for what I’d like to eat. It’s sometimes literally primal feelings of like “don’t think, eat” and while we could ignore the fact that we’re animals, I lean into HARD. Especially around this time
The best life hack for my brain is setting up a timer for everything. If I can't get myself to start a task that's been stressing me a lot, I'd set a timer for 25 minutes and try to focus for this long. If I can't get myself to clean up, I'd set a timer and try to clean as much as I can in that time. If I'm too anxious and can't focus on reading, because I keep thinking about things to do, I'd set a timer and read for that much. Works for almost anything!
Re: morning routines - i always felt bad about doing tasks before i had showered and gotten dressed bc i felt like i was slobbing around My solution? An array of fancy pyjamas! Loungewear pjs, fancy pjs, a nighty that looks like something i would wear during the day, even a fancy faux silk dressing gown - i can let myself wake up and relax into the day with a cuppa and it feels like a treat rather than laziness
I recently discovered that by treating myself like the super put together version of myself I keep thinking I’ll be by the time I’m 30 has hacked my brain into doing the things I need. It’s like instead of thinking I need to do chores, I just put on some cute pajamas and think “well look at how collected I am wearing a pajama set, I also am the kind of person who would want their clothes put away.” I feel less beholden to tasks this way, like I simply would do these things because that’s who I am. Along similar lines of not feeling trapped by chores, I like to do “popcorn” chores. I do small tasks until I don’t feel like doing them anymore, then I just stop until another small task pops into my head. I get so much done by “only putting away my body scrubs” then “just doing a load of whites I wanna wear.” The moment I don’t want to continue, I simply move onto something new.
big yes to the talisman in the wallet!!! back in 2018 i spoke to a lush worker about their massage bars and i mentioned i wanted to help fade scars. at checkout she gave me a freebie and threw a card in with extra info. i later noticed she wrote lots of love on the back of the card and ive been carrying it with me ever since
One thing that has been working for me for a while is to admit to myself that my neurodivergency means that I need different reminders and habits and that it's ok. A lot of the productivity community loves to talk about creating big habits like meditating with tools like habit tracker, but using the same tools but for small stuff has really made an impact in my life, like washing my hair, sleeping at least 6h a day, eating enough meals. I use an app called habitica and I track most of my daily needs there and it has kept my ocd and anxiety in check
On a similar note - I always struggled to remember to brush my teeth. About a month ago my bathroom sink broke so I moved my toothbrush and such to my kitchen counter. I have rarely forgotten it since because it's right there (i live in a small apartment). Even once I fix the sink I think I'll just leave them on the kitchen counter. I'm learning to not be afraid to be a little weird in order to make things work better for my weird brain.
This!!! My life really gets on track when I track my skin care (even the most basic stuff), brushing my hair, going out for a walk, and it seems really small but it's so hard otherwise
Hm. That spy hour was confusing to me, but then I thought about my friends who live with their partners or are stay-at-home mums, and damn, yeah. Please use it people. My whole life is one big spy hour, but that's not universal lifestyle.
I was like.... I guess people could assume that I'm at home, but no one finds it mysterious. but I think this would be great for the people you suggested, or even when on a trip with someone. sometimes it's great not to be entwined with people.
@@caitie226 oh, so true! I think it boils down to carving some alone time for yourself and not feeling guilty about that. I really needed that when I was in the mountains with some people for 3 weeks; after some time I just needed to be alone, walk by myself, not always stick with the group.
Agreed! I was so confused at first because most of the time that I'm not at work nobody knows where I am or what I'm up to. But then I remembered not everyone lives alone and that lots of my friends with partners (or kids!) get texts like "where are you?" and "why are you late?" and "be home by this time" and it sounds suffocating.
I was SUCH a perfectionist in primary & secondary school, and I wanted to excel in academia at all times. But I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and psychosis when I was 14, and I just. Couldn't. Work. On my homework or school work. This stressed me the fuck out. Something that really helped was my therapist saying to me, 'aim for 70%'. I always got this very vague advice from other people about not aiming for perfection, but it never felt tangible or doable. So when I started aiming for 70% in my head (still a really good grade, a B in my secondary school) I felt less under pressure, but still mostly happy with my results.
This is awesome advice I've been living by for years. To be honest, when you're already a perfectionist, your 70% is usually just fine to get by and I'll often have people saying "nice work" on things I didn't even put my full effort into. Why drive myself nuts trying to put 100% of myself into everything when 70 or 80 will do?
This speaks to me so much! I've come to realize in the last few months that "bubble bath" self-care does nothing to me except stress me the fuck out even more because I feel like I've been procrastinating. Diving in my to do list for a set duration and going at it like anxiety isn't real, however, works wonders. (not over-)Apologizing and realizing that other people also have to do all this and are not dead from it helps a lot. The more I think about it, the more I realize that self-care is more about reducing friction than giving yourself time off.
LOVE THIS! I think the biggest thing that has helped my professional career and my mental health is having 2hour coffee date with myself on Sundays. Where I dress up, go to my favorite coffee shop and have a 2-4 hour session of working on any admin tasks or essentially doing anything I feel like I have to do to prep for next week or close up this week and the environment makes me look forward to that time on a Sunday rather than dread it or feel guilty and keep putting it off until I want to hide away from shame.
The "spy hour" is so good! I moved in with my parents temporarily last year because of the pandemic, so there was ALWAYS someone knowing where I was and waiting for me at home. Even when I scheduled time for myself (usually outdoors), I didn't feel completely "free". It's incredibly liberating to just be alone and not have anyone know about it or wait for you. One of the most effective de-stressors for me personally.
I relate so much. I moved in with my parents for a little while after college, and they always insisted on knowing where I was going and how long I would be there and who else would be there, etc., which felt completely ridiculous to me since I was a grown adult (not to mention I had traveled during college and I figured if I could successfully navigate public transport in a foreign country, then I could probably be trusted to make to the local store and back). To this day, I still get a tiny thrill of doing something "forbidden" if I go out to a store or wherever without telling anybody where I'm going.
Reading this just made me realise I did this unconsciously all the time when living with my MIL for 18 months. She is lovely, but also the type of woman who would be waiting at the window in her dressing gown with a worried look on her face because you're half an hour late home from the gym because you stopped at the store on the way home (at like, 7pm I might add!). My partner and I were both fortunate enough to have work away jobs which helped, but I'd be so exhausted when I got home and she'd be waiting for me like an excited puppy and would immediately want company. Often on my way home I would just pull over for a bit and listen to an audiobook and eat a snack or if it was getting particularly hard, I'd tell her I had overtime, take a lie in at work and just go vibe somewhere for a bit. I also learned it was better to overestimate how long I'd be by about an hour than to have to answer questions and deal with her anxiety if I was running late, especially as I'm not very good at letting people know where I am because I've never had to answer to anyone like that (I grew up in foster care). It was a struggle for me towards the end and I found myself feeling like I was a hostage in our bedroom, because I would stay up late to get some true alone time after she had gone to bed, then sleep in to avoid her in the morning, or even be awake and just stay hanging out in my room for an hour. Again, she's a lovely woman who has done so much for me, but I am an incredibly independent person, am not used to parental love and spent most of my life being forced into uncomfortable living situations I didn't want to be in.
Doing chores is also self-care for me. I feel calmer knowing that the house is clean and tidy. Another thing that I enjoy doing is spending time in nature. It could be just me or with company but being outside close to nature is really helpful. Taking some time to breathe and notice all the beautiful things around you. And lastly I have a weird one. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed or just need relaxing, I lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling and listen to music. I don't know why but this makes me calm down and then I can think about what's bothering me/ happening. I prefer to do this in winter when I have a rug in my room as it feels more cozy. Edit: I also like to take pictures of my outfits so when I don't know what to wear I can look at the outfits I've taken pictures of and just pick one.
I agree on the chores, especially cooking! If i have a few meals prepped or can be assembled in a minute i eat healthier and in moderation which in turn has a positive effect on my mood 😊
There's actually something to that lying on the floor thing. I read about it somewhere but can't find the article anymore. I do that too when I get really overwhelmed and my thoughts are moving too fast. Like on the edge of an anxiety attack, I guess. Lying down helps me literally see things from a different perspective. It's nice. 😊
When I reply to emails I don't apologize. Instead I say "thank you for your patience as I worked to get back to you". I find this goes over really well, and doesn't mean I am over apologizing. I also love how Leena is offering some REAL self care advice. Don't get me wrong, I love a good face mask and a good bath bomb, but it doesn't help when you get out of the bath to be faced with the exact same pile of things still sitting there waiting for you. Here are some of my REAL self care tips, hopefully these help too: - write a list of everything you need to do, and instead of looking at everything at once and feeling overwhelmed simply start with one item. Only one. And it should either be the easiest thing to do or the most important. I often find the hardest part is getting started but once you do, you find momentum. - realize when you are overwhelmed and take 10 minutes to sit in silence. Not meditate but just sit, eyes open, breathing deeply. Realize that nothing has exploded, the world hasn't ended. Ask yourself what you need in this moment - do you need some water? Some food? Movement? - Fresh air does A LOT for you. - For all my Harry Potter lovers, if you have a Google Home you can set it up that when you say 'okay Google, expecto patronum' it will tell you a happy/positive quote. It is so fun. - when you are feeling really out of whack, I find going back to your basic needs really helps: food, water, shower, walk, nap. In any order. - meal plan. Not prep, just plan. It takes the stress out of shopping, and then you already know what you're having every night and it takes the stress of choice out of it. - Grab your favorite treat. I'm not promoting comfort eating because that can lead to disordered eating etc. but I'm just saying if you're having a bit of a shit day, sometimes all you need is to grab an iced coffee and roll your sleeves up and get shit done. I hope this helps someone! 💕
Big yes for the basic needs! Sometimes, when I feel like my life is falling apart, I just need to drink, eat and sleep and most of the problems shift back to their true size.
On the spy hour concept: One of the best days I've ever had was when my brother and I went into my uni to return a library book. I then skipped the class I would have gone to and we wandered the city instead, randomly deciding to hire electric scooters and riding around the place, along the river and in the botanical gardens. That random day skipping class was the happiest I've felt in a long time.
My favourite form of "self care"? Gotta be a solo dance party! It stops me staring at a screen, I get to listen to my favourite music and I can loosen up my body after being sat at a desk all day
Leena, THIS is the self-help that I need in my life. I’m so frustrated with influencers and others trying to give self-help advice, that just does not seem to take into acount anything that actually makes us human. Thank you for this - will def try some of them out!
this really feels like peak example of neurotypical vs neurodivergent advice. NT: journal and meditate in the mornings. ND: lightly peer pressure your friends into answering emails with you! and spy hour is my favourite thing in the world, although it often devolves into impulse buying things.......
Oof I feel that impulse buying comment. I used to love to go wander a big store by myself, being around people but anonymously. Tricky not to buy anything tho. Usually I would buy things and then return them later.
I also add people’s addresses to the notes of birthday reminders in my calendar, so I’m not rooting around trying to find their address - it’s right there!
Ooh another thing I did in college - NO scrolling on my phone when walking to class. Because either 1) I'm not super busy, so I really *don't* need those extra 5 minutes to check email or 2) I AM super busy, which means I really need those few minutes to take a break!
Learning to recognize when I am in a moment of high energy and spirit and using that to set up a cushion for me when I come down again. Primarily this is about social contacts for me: the times when I get the most desperate for social contact are also the times when I am the worst suited for initiating and setting it up. When I am in a period of social flow I try and set things up in the future, even if I am right then and there feeling quite satiated with my level of sociability.
Self care is taking time to "relax" and do nice things. Self-care isn't always sitting in a bath ignoring responsibilities, it's working to make your life (and sometimes your brain) better. You sometimes gotta put in the work to fix habits that hurt you instead of ignoring them.
Favorite self care: having a drop off zone in your apartment or dorm right next to the door. You literally will never have to search for keys, headphones or sunglasses ever again. I always know where everything is and I can grab and go. This saves me so many times 🎉❤️ love your videos
Yes, having this changed my life! People also call is a landing strip. Helps with the switching bags thing too. I mostly just take my wallet out rather than a bag.
A big emotional one that my mom has been on me about for YEARS (and as a person with anxiety) is just to "only focus your attention on what you can change". Which can be hard to tell sometimes but it can be so freeing when you do find them and just say "that can't be changed so I can't worry about it"
In the stifling heat of summer it's hard to envision this but, the peak of self-care for me was when I realized that I can just bring blankets into work with me. If I'm sitting for a majority of my day, it's easy to get cold, so I just pack a blanket or keep it in my place of work all winter long. It's fantastic.
When I'm having an especially bad period of mental health, I kinda bring out this mom friend in me that is quite loving, reasoning/logical, and pressed on making sure that *I'm* doing things that, while I don't have the motivation for in the moment, needs to be done for my own wellbeing. It has helped wonders.
Taking walks is something I cultivated during lockdowns. On my own, with a friend, or with my parents dog (who now loves me because of the many walks, I reckon). It's free, you get to move your body and activate your senses.
I feel like self-care is one of those terms that used to mean something and then got co-opted to sell stuff. To me it's the basic stuff I need to do to function when I'm depressed, i.e. washing, eating, drinking water, light exercise, getting out of bed etc. When I'm ignoring it, it's time to get some help, but it's not really something a healthy person needs to worry about making an effort to do. Some excellent tips here, though! Thank you Leena 😀
Sometimes I forget what clothes I own for a couple of months straight, so I now have a notebook where I draw my clothing items and write down/draw lines between them which items would go well with what. It's nice also to categorize by them season.
In lines of admin dates, having cleaning dates with friends and family. I have always struggled with keeping the house clean, but having people that are suffering alongside you really helps :)
I really like the idea of having essentials always in a bag too! My solution for it was to sew myself a little pocket exactly the size of all the essentials I needed to move from bag to bag, and everytime I get home I empty my bag and leave this where I store my bags ;D
I do that with grocery bags. I have one foldable bag in every backpack or bag and don't need to buy new bags when going to the supermarket spontaneously.
I have the misconception that getting up early AND being productive is self care (even if it’s doing things you like)- but everyone has different sleep/wake cycles and for me it’s just torture.
I have a 1 minute timer to have a moment of still in the morning where I just hold my coffee and smell it and try and focus on only that. It is sort of meditative but it reminds you how glorious the small things are.
Later in my 20s, I set a "halfway fence" boundary. Before that, I was the one chronically going however far out of the way people wanted me to to spend time with them. But that isn't sustainable, so I started insisting people meet me halfway, both literally and metaphorically. Stopped being the one constantly reaching out and coordinating, and now if someone moans about us not having seen each other in X amount of time, I ask why they didn't text me to ask if we can grab lunch or a drink. If plans *are* being made, I ask if we can meet somewhere about halfway between our two stomping grounds rather than me being the one to always be traveling to them. It's amazing how quickly interest in spending time with you evaporates when the other person is required to put in equal effort, and serves to really highlight which people are worth making exceptions for because they ARE willing to go to the same effort as you.
Ah, I feel you. I used to be involved with those people saying stuff like 'yeah come over' but also 'but you live soooooo far' when I invited them to my place. It was so painful and demeaning to hear. It took a lot of effort and determination and loneliness but I moved on from that.
Also I have an anxiety box: things that calm me down when I'm really really stressed and anxious, some are herbal tinctures, others are links to a chat with Elizabeth Gilbert, and others are just a snack
Defs do a bunch of these things, and then have heaps of my own other little ones 😊 but I do feel like some of them are pretty weird/very specific to me, rather than helpful to anyone else 😅 - Could not even fathom using more than one bag. My bag has all the things I need perfectly squished in and always in the same place! - I always have a cup of water next to the bed. One cause get thirsty in the morning, but also to if needed force myself out of bed by drinking lots of water and thus requiring me to get out of bed to pee - Audiobooks while commuting makes reading books so much easier and achievable! - I now do the teeniest tiniest yoga routine (literally essentially just 2 half ass sun salutations with maybe a cat/dog thrown in,
One of my all time favourite purchases is a perpetual birthday calendar - It's a paper calendar that simply has the months and dates, and room for the name of all your favourite people
Something I've found helpful on designated house cleaning mornings (I mean for a start, designating Saturday morning as intense house cleaning time) is to lean into distractions. The rule is that as long as what I'm doing is furthering the aim of making the house nicer, I can do whatever I want. I don't need to complete a task before I move on, either, as long as I come back later. I used to have these huge inner arguments when I tried to stick to one task or room until it was done, now I can stop part way through laundry to put dishes away, and then part way through that to take the rubbish out, then maybe when I'm out doing that I see that plants need watering. Letting me distraction lead me around by the nose as long as it's within the right category just saves me so much mental energy.
One that I love that I learned from Hayley G Hoover (back in the day), is creating a song to remember items when leaving a location. Her's was "Did I bring my jacket? Where's my wallet phone and keys?".
Loving this! When I went to Bible school we got weekly tasks so practice for example our relationship to rest, money or something else. One of the best tasks was one week when we got to work on failing. Not failing on purpose but actually doing things that might fail and that would be okay. It was really freeing for me, a twentytwo-year-old overachiever. I had never let myself fail before and therefore avoided the things I wanted to try deep down out of fear.
The private calendar events are so true. It changed my life when my boss told us that she expected everyone to put these on their calendar at least twice a week so that we could either work and focus on one specific project or just decompress and not really do any socializing for a couple of hours. Game changing.
Leena, this was so fun. Thank you for sharing your 20s wisdom series. It was a huge game changer for me when I realized that self care isn't always easy or fun. Sometimes it's going to bed early even though you're dying to revenge bedtime procrastinate, or sometimes it's cooking healthy food when all you want is ice cream (sometimes it's ice cream).
I keep a list of birthday gift ideas for my loved ones. When they mention something they're into, or something excites them but they wouldn't get it themselves, I jot it down. That's how I can give amazing gifts without stressing about deadlines
my biggest ‘discovery’ of the past year was finding a safe place. basically just a spot ideally outside your work or how. that is close by and easy to access that helps you calm down and be at peace with your self, a park, a coffee shop. anything thing will work but make it a ‘you’ place. try not to bring other people there with you often. mine is a duck pond near my house. I go there and sit, sometimes I read and listen to music and sometimes I work but it’s a safe place I can go to be alone and feel stress free. sometimes just knowing that I have a date with myself at the pond monday morning make me feel better. even if i’m just writing emails there it’s still my place.
My tip: instead of thinking “oh I don’t wanna do this, I’ll do it tomorrow” try and shift your thinking to “future me would be so happy if I did this right now”. I’ve found that to really help with my procrastination
You and this series make me feel like you're a mind-reader. Thank you for providing a twenties toolkit; as a 21-year-old who is currently really struggling with self-care because I always feel the need to be "productive" 24/7 and feel guilty doing otherwise, this series is genuinely amazing. Also, the "All The Small Things" reference made me smile.
I can attest to the power and perfection of the admin days with friends! My friend group and I always call it "Life Admin" because it's usually the stuff that you just keep forgetting to get to because you're so tired after all your actual work admin - could be cancelling unused subscriptions or finally writing a thank you note to that person you keep meaning to thank, just whatever. It's perfect for all of those "this will only take 10 minutes but I've been putting it off for six months" tasks.
Wow, these suggestions are so original. It makes complete sense that admin for day to day non-work stuff needs its own intentional time. I don't know why the impression with self care often is that if you just have the perfect "me time" those things will sort themselves out on their own because you'll just naturally be happier and more organized without any practical methods.
When my anxiety is at its peak level and I am afraid I can’t do the big task in front of me, I put on a certain piece of jewelry that says ‘nothing is heavy to those who have wings’ and it reminds me that things aren’t as scary as I am making it out to be. I can decide that a hard task is not heavy and it gets me through the day or I can prepare for the task to make it lighter. It also reminds me to take the day one thing at a time because you travel lighter when you fly.
I read somewhere (not going to lie, I think it was a post on Tumblr) the quote, 'Start where you are, Use what you have, Do what you can'. I have held on to it like a little mantra to remind myself that I can only do what I can do during periods of overwhelm or stress. It really soothes me and refocuses me on what is in my control rather than what isn't.
Spy Hour is no joke, I've been doing it since I watched this last year and it's amazing . Similar to that even just booking things like 'weekend' to your calendar so the day is full and you don't get into the trap of seeing a blank day and filling it
Going for a walk without your phone. I know sounds scary because what if.... but if it's daylight, you'll probably be fine, and it's so liberating not being contactable while out (like the olden days...the 90s)
Even just putting your phone in Airplane mode or on Do Not Disturb while out for a walk or doing another task, so you can still have it in case you need it for an emergency, can make a huge difference. Also turning off my phone for an hour or two in the evenings after a particularly high-stress day!
My favorite thing is to physically write down my ideal morning and evening routine and stick it on my mirror I use daily. The ideal routines should include my hygiene essentials and 1 goal. It also needs to include "1 nice thing". This is a separate list I have next to the routines. This list has my hobbies, face masks, cup of tea, etc. Then I have a final routine that I call the Depression Routine. This routine has a maximum of 8 things to do a day, such as shower, change clothes, brush teeth, etc. This is the beginner routine. The routine I start when I am getting out of a depression episode.
I feel like I’ve been ✨positively✨ called out about keeping receipts because I already do that AND I have a little tip to add on to that; make a folder in your emails specifically for receipts so if you buy something online you can just tag it there and BOOM. DONE. I need to keep receipts for my work so I find this super handy.
P.S. Thank you Leena for your endless words of (practical) wisdom! I’ll be saving this and revisiting it for sure, as well as actually putting some of it into action (like the birthday thing!)
honestly, throwing my phone across the room when I've been doom scrolling in the morning ALWAYS helps me get out of bed. Looking for more motivation to not join the online world right when I get up, but I have 0 clue what I should do since most days I don't have plans until the nighttime. One thing that works for me is having post-it notes available to write down a daily to-do list. Getting myself to do the list is another task. I also really like to listen to a podcast in the am but I think it would be better if I chose it the night before - same with clothing like when I was in high school.
It's interesting you mention bedside books because I've found that a crucial self-care tactic for me has been only to read one book at once! For most of my life I've had my foot in the water of multiple books but now I realize focusing on one book at a time helps to calm me down and be more mindful and enjoy what I'm reading without choice paralysis
One that works for me is ensuring that the house is tidy at the end of each day- dishes done, clothes put away, electronics charging, surfaces (mostly) clear. It makes the start of the next day SO much easier.
thank you so much for this video!!! i’m 23 and trying to figure out this whole adult thing. it’s been hard doing everything on my own, when i used to get so much support, praise, and guidance from my parents/teachers/coaches. i’ve been working with my therapist on building a “loving inner parent” who can be that voice of reason, who is firm but fair. for example: “i know you don’t feel like making dinner, but your body needs the nourishment. you will feel so much better after you’ve eaten.” “i know you want to watch netflix all night, but you have work in the morning. you can watch one more episode and then get ready for bed.” i’ve even started writing notes to myself for encouragement throughout the day - “you’re doing great!” “i’m so proud of you!” it makes a huge difference to still feel like there is a parent at the helm of the ship, steering me in the right direction and giving me the support that i need.
Something that has been realy selfcaring for me is to get to know my neighborhood by walking. Every time I needed to do some random thing like buy a medicine or fix a shoe I used to search for a place near my job, but with the pandemic I couldn't do that anymore. So I started to order on line at local businesses near me so I could to pick my shoppings up walking and not pay delivery service. I found so many cool stuff that I was missing like a garden certer, thrift shops, the cheapest drogstore, eletronics, shoes, clothes repair business... Every walk is delightful and makes me feel safer at home. Only after four years leaving in this neighborhood I can say that I know it well!
I find that placing cute baskets in spots where I usually drop all my things when I get home, just makes things a little quicker and easier to sort through and find on my out
Great video! Something that's also helped me is to figure out 5 recipes that you can make and that you really like, and then write them down and keep them in your kitchen. They don't have to be fancy, they don't have to be healthy, they just have to taste good to you. Then, if you're feeling uninspired for grocery shopping or meal planning that week, you can just pick up the ingredients for something you already know how to make that you definitely like and you don't have to go searching online or through a cookbook to remember which one you liked. I have a single serve brownie in a mug recipe that i make at least once a week that i just have taped in the cupboard for easy reference.
as a student who's also a master in procrastinating I think adding a 30 seconds delay to my emails wouldn't be that great! I once sent an assignment in like 24 seconds before the deadline would end, and I have used the "oh I forgot to add the file to my email" to gain some more minutes before I would send my assignment so,,
My "one in each bag" list: snacks, band-aids, tampoons, a reusable bag, chewing gums, charging cable, emergency cash. In highschool, I also had a par of extra underwear & a spoon. I also have this lil bag I can move around, which essentially is an emergency bag with scissors, bandages, lots of different band-aids, pain relief, alcohol wipes etc.
I have also realised all of these in my 30s and my life is so much easier now! I don't use Google Keep now, I use Notion and literally everything is in there; every single task I have to do (work and life), plus instructions on how to fill in my tax form and all that kinda thing. It has changed my life! Basically a lot of self-care is just figuring out who you are, where you struggle and implementing stuff to help with that!
One of the best things I've done for myself is having an important papers bin. It's just this little foldable bin I got at the dollar store years ago. And everything I get an important document I stick it in there. So whenever I'm stressed about finding an important thing I look in there. And it's always there for me.
I love all the ideas in the comments! Actually you recommended trello for to do lists some years back and it really helped me get rid of haunting to dos and to sort them into categories and split them into managable sizes. Some of my self care is this time off after appointments - my favourites are free days / days off where I can just choose what to do and where to go. Taking myself to places like having a cinema date is just really so good for me. Instead of feeling lonely it makes me feel independent. Another one of my favourites is the library. Nothing makes me more calm than the muffled voices - most of the people in libraries tent to be quiet and respectful and you get to go home with a book that you would have normally not looked at. A last one: Taking time for something that serves no purpose other than to make you happy, like playing an instrument or doing a puzzle, a soduko, reading an article in a magazine, playing a game. I hate that so much of my life usually is centered around "productivity" and for a long time self-care for me was part of an unhealthy routine of self optimization. Instead of trying so hard to be a better version of you and doing something "productive" every minute of your life I found it way more freeing and human to sometimes just do something completely pointless and aimless.
This is an extra special good one. Thanks Leena! My main self care is working out/moving my body as many days as possible. This is usually for less than 20 min and can be nearly anything (yoga, weights, HIIT, LIIT, stretching, walking, whatever). The consistency has been so wonderful and no matter what else happens that day, I’ve shown my body and self some love.
My main self care tip is letting myself be flexible. Especially as I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm chronically ill and have to listen to my body more. For example, this morning I told myself I was going to go for a swim and then come home and have a life admin day. I'm actually feeling exhausted and really don't want to go swimming, and as a result I am in bed doing nothing. I just made a deal with myself that I'd swim tomorrow and I'm feeling so much happier about getting up and tackling the rest of my to do list. Not doing this one thing does not mean I've failed or that I'm lazy, it just means I'm able to take care of myself better.
Regarding the 30 seconds-delay, one thing of the same kind I do is to put the email recipients last, after I wrote AND re-read the text. Saved me more than once!
For me the boundaries/saying 'no' is the best one. I love my friends etc., but if I don't feel like taking part in a conversation in a messaging app, I won't, and if I don't feel like seeing anybody, I won't (of course I try not to cancel if I've already agreed to go somewhere, but if I feel rubbish, I will cancel, and it should be okay). Also a vital one for me: I am like an old lady and put my vitamins into a pill storage/dispenser box so that I remember to take them.
Just to clarify: I always reply to someone's personal messages, at least to let them know when I'm replying to them properly, but I meant group chats. Those I can skip if I don't feel like talking at that moment. :)
Zoom homework dates with classmates got me through remote learning in 2020. I miss in-person admin dates, but still the habit of calling a friend to do work together is a nice fallback since we're all graduated and apart now.
Get an app which you can run and set multiple timers at once. Super handy for a)what time did I take that last paracetamol and b)when cooking food that takes different times. Plus just in general when you're doing several task. Now I know when things are done and get a bonus reminder of what it was that I needed to time anyway
My favourite thing to do if my house is untidy or I have a task I have been putting off for ages is pretend that I am a personal assistant for someone and that I am just there sorting out everything for them. I find it's great as it detaches the shame from the task and isolates it from your life which can really help
That sounds like something I should try to do! Great strategy
oh that is such a fun idea!
fantastic way of framing this. will try it today! my flat needs cleaning, a little decluttering etc.... my personal assistant will see to it :)
Yes! I don't really pretend I'm my own assistant, but I usually just try to put on some exciting ost and pretend I'm watching a movie montage of somebody else. It's amazing how distancing yourself from the "adult that needs to maintain their own life" can lessen the guilt from sometimes not being perfect at it and actually make the process way more fun
This is brilliant advice. I’m going to try this. With Living with ADHD I find cleaning very hard to do. The idea of being my own personal assistant feels like it will work.
specifically for studying, BREAKS DO NOT MEAN SCROLLING FOR HALF AN HOUR!!! get outside, do some yoga, heck even just walk to the toilet, just stop staring at a screen for a bit!
I feel called out 👀 good advice
oof good reminder thank u
Very true. Your brain and eyes aren't taking a break from being stimulated if your break consists of looking at a screen. And that's why it feels like you had no break at all when going back to work!
A genuinely useful hack; I have is a spreadsheet of meals I enjoy making, I have them in different categories like “can’t be arsed” which is mainly oven pizza and cheesey chips, all the way through to “Gordon Ramsey who” which has roast dinners, curries etc.
I just base it on how much I want to cook, then when I can’t make a choice I look at it and choose based on how I’m feeling when I don’t know exactly what I want to eat.
I created a special shelf in my panty. Picked my top 4 go-to meals, and organized them by recipe. Can’t think what to make? Open the pantry, pull everything to make taco soup, and done! Almost no thinking required. Then I know to put all those items on my next grocery order. It has really helped me eat better and save money, rather than living on drive thru.
oooh this is a great idea I have to do this. decision fatigue is real!
i'm stealing that right now. gonna make an interactive spreadsheet in Notion! thanks for the idea, it's great for people dealing with mental health struggles
omg this is genius!
This is a great idea! I was thinking about doing something kinda similar, will keep this in mind as well.
My tip: If you can't manage a whole task because it's too overwhelming, half-arse it. If you can't face a 30 min walk, do 10 mins, even if it's walking round your living room. If you can't manage to brush your teeth three times a day, just manage once a day. It's better to do something than nothing, and once the something becomes habit, you can build on it (or not - I've been brushing my teeth once a day for years and my teeth are fine. I didn't brush them at all before that (yes, I know it's gross, yes, I was severely depressed), so it's a big improvement).
Really good tip for living with depression, too.
This is so useful and true. For me brushing my teeth and self "bodily" care is hard too. After a period of time depressed I went to the dentist for cavities and til this day I so proud of myself because I told her my situation. I told her my cavities were a result of a weak mental state and I was not ashamed and I was trying to do things better and she said "I'm glad you're here", without judgment. That had such a positive effect on me that shifted my perspective. I also do it like the comment, I try to brush whenever I remember but If I do it just once in the day I try to feel accomplished!
Yes! I am a huge fan of chipping away at a task if you can't do the whole thing; write a couple of sentences of your email and save it as a draft, just wash a few dishes intead of the whole load, clean one part of the room rather than every surface. Best case scenario: when you do finish the task, part of it is already done. Worst case: you never complete it fully but at least part of it is done and you're no worse off than you were to start
THIS! It's better to half-ass something than to not do it at all!
yes!! and simplify those things so you can start building off the half-assed habits (like bringing gum w you or using mouthwash in the mornings instead of not doing anything) - it’s so life-changing (at least for me as someone w adhd it is)
Similar to a spy hour, I like to give myself "bored time" where I'm not actively doing anything or consuming any media. I like to do this outside in a park or even just lying on my floor. I keep a pen & paper with me to jot down anything I think of during this time that I want to revisit later, but then I let it go. It gives my brain room to breathe and I found that my most creative ideas or introspective moments have come from allowing myself this time on a regular basis. Would recommend!
I will often sit and doodle, to give my hands something to do, and just let my brain think thoughts in this way as well. It makes me feel like my brain is actually mine. Remains incredibly important to me as an artist and as a human :)
It sounds so simple, but I never thought of that! I usually have some noise going on in the background, like music or a podcast... might try spending some time with my own brain!
that's meditation! :)
dude you just invented meditating and I love it
this is a selfcare tip at work: put your automatic out of office mail 2 days longer (1 day before and 1 day after) than your long holiday. People will leave you alone on your last day so you can finish things in peace and you have time to read and catch-up on your first day at work. It makes the holiday so much more enjoyable with longer lasting effects of being rested.
Omg I've done this before! Great tip!!!
This is amazing!
Until all your colleagues helpfully let you know "your out of office is still on!" 😂
@@hanbobanable 😅 But then you calmly remind them you're catching up on tasks, and they'll know you have proper boundaries. 😉👍
I do that too, its soo calming.
The 'admin dates' is great. There's something beautifully intimate about mundane activities with your friends - joining your friend on their supermarket run, or lifting your feet so they can hoover while you drink tea on their sofa. I have friend who often cooks while they're video calling me - it's not that they haven't made time for me, it's the opposite, they want to talk to me so much they will multitask to do it. Ok and I made myself tear up
I love how understanding you are in your approach to spending time with friends - it's cute. Have a great day! :)
Me and my friend were just talking about how much we love this and she called it parallel play which is hilarious since it's the exact thing really, just it describes a way toddlers socialize.
This!! I love it whenever I get to run errands with a friend but always feel so silly asking someone to run errands with me. Maybe I've just got to swallow my ego a bit more
Yesss! I love cooking whilst talking to people. I find it really hard to video chat and just sit, paying attention - I can't concentrate! But when I'm cooking or organising my wardrobe or something, I can do the task mindlessly whilst also paying the most attention to my friend and listening to them better.
I work in mental health and am currently taking a self-study course about self-care and resilience over burnout, because...mental health care worker. :) The biggest things I have learned so far:
1) Self-care is not always fun or comfortable in the moment. Self-care is maybe learning to say no, setting a boundary, forcing yourself to go to bed at a reasonable time. It is looking out for Future You (which I see in some other comments as well!) in the present.
2) The main point with self-care is how it makes you feel. Eating a scoop of ice cream to enjoy it? Can be self-care. Drowning your feelings by eating a whole tub of ice cream? Not self-care. Watching an episode and losing yourself for that time in your favorite show? Self-care! Binge watching (or reading) until 2am and knowing you have to be up at 6am for work? Not self-care. Before you do something, ask yourself how it will make you feel after you have done it.
3) And most of all, BE PATIENT with yourself. Maybe you decide to read the whole book and stay up till 2am, even though you know you will feel like shit tomorrow. That's okay. We are human and all screw up. Tell someone to keep yourself accountable, forgive yourself, and try to be better next time.
Self-care looks different for everyone. It truly is a process (that I am still learning and practicing), and it is a process you should absolutely not have to go through alone. At the end of the day, self-care is not escape. Self-care helps you create a life you do not need to escape from.
Thank you for all these practical tips, Leena! I really enjoyed this video. :)
Commenting to boost because this is fab advice!
+
Yes this is great! Reminds me of a course I took last fall where one of the lessons was defining for ourselves what activities are self-soothing and what are self-care, knowing that each have their place. To me escapism is self-soothing and can be useful but as you say it's definitely not the end goal.
@@caitmcg4382 psst. youuuu got the link? 👀👀
What is the course Laura? I work in mental health too and would love a course like this! Hope you are okay! ✨💜🌸 Xx
Something I hold onto from my last relationship was the phrase “paper hat day” where all you had to do that day was make a little paper hat. We used to use it when one of us wasn’t feeling great mentally as it would take away that pressure of “this is free time so we HAVE to cram in every activity under the sun!” It just removed the guilt around not wanting to do anything, and reinforced the idea it was totally ok to just exist for that day and not overdo it.
this has made me think about how much I have been conditioned to think that 'self care' is meant to result in me 'looking better' when that's not what it should be at all.
Hahaha I started doing "spy hour" when I was about 12, I'd sign out of school and say I was going to the dentist and just go and find a nice park to sit in or read a book in and just come back to school when I was ready lol - Apparently my brother used to ask to go to the toilet and then teachers would see him walking around the playground for twenty minutes and just let him be, so it must run in the family
hahaha, that's wonderful!
Self care really changed from age 20 to 25, self care used to be "gonna eat a hostess cupcake while watching Adventure time instead of homework because I'm stressedl" to "I'm gonna do the tedious back exercises or else the back pain will get worse and I'll need surgery to correct, then some lavender tea 🍵"
"What does future Mel need, right now?"
To me this is such a powerful but general question that both encapsulates self care and makes it practical. I think it was Jessica Kellgren-Fozard that I heard it from, but it's both stuck with me and been useful to me ever since.
I do this too! But I usually use it when I'm thinking about a task, part of me decides nah I don't want to do that, and another part of me will chime in with, "C'mon, let's do something nice for Future Caitlin." I also use it in the reverse, when something I prepped helps me I think "Thanks Past Caitlin! Gosh she's really got it together."
I do this on days when I’m feeling shit. I think: „okay today-me already feels awfull, can I do one thing now that will help tomorrow-me?“ And usually that makes me feel better in the moment to.
I thank myself out loud when past me did something smart that helps present me.
Aw, Jessica is a self-care queen! We should listen to people with chronic illnesses more, honestly. Friends of mine with different illnesses/conditions/disabilities are way better at taking care of themselves and resting because they HAVE to, but they always tell me that I should as well, even if the reminders may not be as physical for others.
wow i love that! thanks!
maybe not useful to everyone, but I like to pick a set distance to stand back from the mirror when I look at it. means I can fix my hair and make face while I brush my teeth without accidentally starting a skin evaluation. I don't need to unintentionally bring that energy into my life when I could just stand behind the third tile.
I absolutely love this, thank you for sharing it :))
YES THIS
This is so cute, the ‘third tile’ lol!
I stopped getting dressed in front of the mirror for that same reason. I only need to see the end product, I don’t need to watch the whole process which will always make me start self criticising
lol
Something I've been trying to do to reframe my anxiety around work is assuming that things are good enough unless it's been proven otherwise. In the (perfect lol) justice system, people get to be innocent until proven guilty. So why do I constantly assume that I'm not good enough and need to do better? What if I can remind myself that no one has told me my work isn't good enough, and the only person saying that is me? I try to remind myself of that and I think it helps.
I needed this. Thank you
So good
I've been thinking about this lately too! It's been helpful for me to think about it in terms of trust: I can trust my coworkers and supervisors to tell me if I'm not meeting their expectations. And if I trust them, then I know that if they haven't said anything then I am doing fine!
🤯 thank you so much!!
I've got less than a month left of my twenties and I'm trying to remind myself that you never need to stop improving and that everyone's timeline is different.
As for the talisman idea? I use to work retail and a customer randomly gave me a laminated four leaf clover. She told me that she is really good at finding them and laminates them all and gives them away to people. She told me to keep it in my wallet for good luck. That was 7 years ago and it's still there and i think about it and the random kindness of this person and it always makes me feel at least a little better.
That's such a lovely story and gives me hope in humanity.
The books next to the bedsids comment - wow. No one has ever articulated that before…👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Its such a good point and I definitely need to move my books off my bedside table because I definitely look at them everyday and think " I really should read those soon".
Bit of a switch around coming soon I think
OK JUST NEEDA SAY THANK YOU FOR MAKING A UNIQUE “THINGS I WISH I KNEW IN MY 20S” VIDEO. This was so much more interesting and helpful than a generic azz video. Anyway, I’m turning 30 next month but to everyone else: SAVE YOURSELVES❗️❗️❗️
omg....ive watched about all your videos Damon 😳 and now i got this recommended?? youve helped me changed my life and realise what I want at 19. you hella helped my mental health during this pandemic!
RE: The spy hour - some companies might be inquisitive as to what the meeting is, but usually if you say it’s a “focus hour” or a “deep work hour” - it’s essentially when you can get tasks done without anyone disturbing you, and it can be just as beneficial in a professional environment. We trialled this at my office job and it was super well received and has helped increase productivity. During that hour don’t be afraid to not do work constantly, too - getting a tea or coffee or refreshment/snack also helps focus your mind and give you room to breathe. We tend to schedule our focus work in the morning half of the day, but whatever works best for you!
A big part of my self care is to tend to my basic needs like eat, sleep, drink water and so on. Yes I do other stuff too, like drinking tea, make time for friends, bathing and so on. But, I feel like a lot of people don't see things like me making sure to brush my teath or Cook food as self care when in fact, I'm literally talking cara of myself and my body. Society makes us feel like that's the bare minimum and threfore doesn’t count but if you have mental health issues that might be the only kind of self care you are able to do. That and different kinds of escapism. Rant over. Thank you.
Very relatable. Every thing you do to care for yourself or others counts. Just because others don't notice it, doesn't mean it isn't important. It's part of self-preservation, which is THE worthwhile effort, overall. Elizabeth Gilbert said in an Interview that she thought it silly that people posted so much virtue-signalling BS about wanting to emerge from the lockdowns as swole, productive, perfect people. She said: just survive. That is enough. You can strive for more when the pandemic is under control. I took that to heart, because I had felt pressured to use the time in lockdown to become a shinier version of me (I turned into a more grateful and chunkier version of me lol).
During lockdowns I felt really sad and started to make lists of things I had done that day, to make me realize: you're still doing something. Next to work assignments and a socially distanced shambles of a social life, there was a lot of mundane self-care on my lists (washed my hair, clipped my nails, cleared the desk, made dinner, walked the dog). It always made me feel like : you made it through the day, that's good, easy does it, carry on tomorrow. And it showed me that even during a lockdown, each day was a little bit different from the others. Might pick it up again, even though we're not in lockdown atm. Made me feel good.
I've been suffering with Depression for years, and can say with certainty, that looking after my own health, cleanliness, and general wellbeing is the most meaningful kind of self-care there is. These are the things that fall away from you last when your brain is done trying - and finding the energy to do them again is the first step to a good day, or, if you're lucky, a good week.
Thank you for saying this. I was thinking exactly the same thing.
Yeeeeeess!! Good point thank you
@@derrisreaditbefore totally true these little things are so easy to forget to do.
When I am tough situations I will remind myself that this is just a future memory. How do I want the memory to play out? It allows me to feel a little detached from the situation as if time has already elapsed and also helps me to pick what future Wendy would have wanted. Present Wendy always gets caught up trying to "fix" the issue as quickly as possible often to my detriment or gets bogged down in the emotional aspect
love this! I'm definitely gunna try that
Fellow Wendy here to say that I will definitely try this one!
What I do for self care:
1. Remind myself to sing in the shower cuz it makes me happy
2. Dance in my room alone late at night
3. Make myself a nice hearty meal and eat it while watching my fave show
4. Carving some time out to talk to my friends to catch up with them and just have a laugh
5. Wear comfy clothes at home
6. Not wearing make up sometimes and not straightening my hair (I have curly hair) and just being my natural self
7. Not thinking too much while putting an outfit together and wear whatever makes me comfortable
Amen to dancing alone. I love doing that too. I think dancing, just for the hell of it is so self-caring.
One of the things I like to do when I feel like I'm in a rut is plan to have someone over to my place! I will plan for a meal or a coffee hangout with someone, which directly forces me to get my act together - clean the house, manage all the trash and recycling, burn my good candles, plan meals, try new recipes and cook large batches of food. All this, added to the main event - hanging out with a friend and the banter - leaves me satisfied and cared for. I feel like a 'proper' adult and gets me back on track.
Yep! This is such a great tool for me! I always feel better. Satisfied is a great way to put it.
I don't usually keep chocolate etc in my flat for self-care reasons ( I eat way too much of it if left to my own devices). When I want sweets, I need to go outside to get them. And thenI only buy one thing that I can eat in one sitting (one chocolate bar, for example, or one oolong boba tea). It may sound cumbersome to some people, but for me, it curbs impulsive eating, which is self-care for me. I got a little crazy during the pandemic stocking sweets, got heavier in the process, but now I adhere to my own rule again. Half the time, I don't wanna go to the shop just for one little croissant or whatever, so - it works for me.
I have done that too in the past. I have avoided eating junk food like crisps and sweets many times because I didn't have any in the house.
I do that to. I can eat what I want and Nothing is good or bad. But when it comes to things that I have a tendency to eat in a way that makes me feel bad because I feel nauseated or sick etc, I have to go out and buy it. And if I really crave something I go buy it, and that is actually fun for me. It's a little trip and it feels like when I was little and my mom said we could go get ice cream. It gives more joy than just walking over to the freezer in my house.
Such good advice, I found that worked for me. I do know I need (like need) chocolate when I menstruate - so a few days before the PMS, I buy chocolate and popcorn and prepare some ideas for what I’d like to eat. It’s sometimes literally primal feelings of like “don’t think, eat” and while we could ignore the fact that we’re animals, I lean into HARD. Especially around this time
I keep my sweets in the fridge because I hate cold candy. If I want one, I wait until it thaws to room temperature. :)
This is great advice, I applaud you for knowing yourself and doing what is really goid for you!
The best life hack for my brain is setting up a timer for everything. If I can't get myself to start a task that's been stressing me a lot, I'd set a timer for 25 minutes and try to focus for this long. If I can't get myself to clean up, I'd set a timer and try to clean as much as I can in that time. If I'm too anxious and can't focus on reading, because I keep thinking about things to do, I'd set a timer and read for that much. Works for almost anything!
Re: morning routines - i always felt bad about doing tasks before i had showered and gotten dressed bc i felt like i was slobbing around
My solution? An array of fancy pyjamas! Loungewear pjs, fancy pjs, a nighty that looks like something i would wear during the day, even a fancy faux silk dressing gown - i can let myself wake up and relax into the day with a cuppa and it feels like a treat rather than laziness
I recently discovered that by treating myself like the super put together version of myself I keep thinking I’ll be by the time I’m 30 has hacked my brain into doing the things I need. It’s like instead of thinking I need to do chores, I just put on some cute pajamas and think “well look at how collected I am wearing a pajama set, I also am the kind of person who would want their clothes put away.” I feel less beholden to tasks this way, like I simply would do these things because that’s who I am.
Along similar lines of not feeling trapped by chores, I like to do “popcorn” chores. I do small tasks until I don’t feel like doing them anymore, then I just stop until another small task pops into my head. I get so much done by “only putting away my body scrubs” then “just doing a load of whites I wanna wear.” The moment I don’t want to continue, I simply move onto something new.
big yes to the talisman in the wallet!!! back in 2018 i spoke to a lush worker about their massage bars and i mentioned i wanted to help fade scars. at checkout she gave me a freebie and threw a card in with extra info. i later noticed she wrote lots of love on the back of the card and ive been carrying it with me ever since
One thing that has been working for me for a while is to admit to myself that my neurodivergency means that I need different reminders and habits and that it's ok. A lot of the productivity community loves to talk about creating big habits like meditating with tools like habit tracker, but using the same tools but for small stuff has really made an impact in my life, like washing my hair, sleeping at least 6h a day, eating enough meals. I use an app called habitica and I track most of my daily needs there and it has kept my ocd and anxiety in check
On a similar note - I always struggled to remember to brush my teeth. About a month ago my bathroom sink broke so I moved my toothbrush and such to my kitchen counter. I have rarely forgotten it since because it's right there (i live in a small apartment). Even once I fix the sink I think I'll just leave them on the kitchen counter. I'm learning to not be afraid to be a little weird in order to make things work better for my weird brain.
This!!! My life really gets on track when I track my skin care (even the most basic stuff), brushing my hair, going out for a walk, and it seems really small but it's so hard otherwise
Habitica is like the main reason I graduated from college
This is the first time I've heard of Habitica, and it sounds frickin' perfect - I'm creating an account NOW. Thank you so much for mentioning it!
Hm. That spy hour was confusing to me, but then I thought about my friends who live with their partners or are stay-at-home mums, and damn, yeah. Please use it people. My whole life is one big spy hour, but that's not universal lifestyle.
spy hour reminds me of an artist date, an idea from Julia Cameron's book The Artitst's Way. I love both so much.
I was like.... I guess people could assume that I'm at home, but no one finds it mysterious. but I think this would be great for the people you suggested, or even when on a trip with someone. sometimes it's great not to be entwined with people.
@@caitie226 oh, so true! I think it boils down to carving some alone time for yourself and not feeling guilty about that. I really needed that when I was in the mountains with some people for 3 weeks; after some time I just needed to be alone, walk by myself, not always stick with the group.
Agreed! I was so confused at first because most of the time that I'm not at work nobody knows where I am or what I'm up to. But then I remembered not everyone lives alone and that lots of my friends with partners (or kids!) get texts like "where are you?" and "why are you late?" and "be home by this time" and it sounds suffocating.
I was SUCH a perfectionist in primary & secondary school, and I wanted to excel in academia at all times. But I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and psychosis when I was 14, and I just. Couldn't. Work. On my homework or school work. This stressed me the fuck out. Something that really helped was my therapist saying to me, 'aim for 70%'. I always got this very vague advice from other people about not aiming for perfection, but it never felt tangible or doable. So when I started aiming for 70% in my head (still a really good grade, a B in my secondary school) I felt less under pressure, but still mostly happy with my results.
This is awesome advice I've been living by for years. To be honest, when you're already a perfectionist, your 70% is usually just fine to get by and I'll often have people saying "nice work" on things I didn't even put my full effort into. Why drive myself nuts trying to put 100% of myself into everything when 70 or 80 will do?
This speaks to me so much! I've come to realize in the last few months that "bubble bath" self-care does nothing to me except stress me the fuck out even more because I feel like I've been procrastinating. Diving in my to do list for a set duration and going at it like anxiety isn't real, however, works wonders. (not over-)Apologizing and realizing that other people also have to do all this and are not dead from it helps a lot.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that self-care is more about reducing friction than giving yourself time off.
That last point about reducing friction reeeally hit home
reducing friction is the perfect description!!
LOVE THIS! I think the biggest thing that has helped my professional career and my mental health is having 2hour coffee date with myself on Sundays. Where I dress up, go to my favorite coffee shop and have a 2-4 hour session of working on any admin tasks or essentially doing anything I feel like I have to do to prep for next week or close up this week and the environment makes me look forward to that time on a Sunday rather than dread it or feel guilty and keep putting it off until I want to hide away from shame.
The "spy hour" is so good! I moved in with my parents temporarily last year because of the pandemic, so there was ALWAYS someone knowing where I was and waiting for me at home. Even when I scheduled time for myself (usually outdoors), I didn't feel completely "free". It's incredibly liberating to just be alone and not have anyone know about it or wait for you. One of the most effective de-stressors for me personally.
I relate so much. I moved in with my parents for a little while after college, and they always insisted on knowing where I was going and how long I would be there and who else would be there, etc., which felt completely ridiculous to me since I was a grown adult (not to mention I had traveled during college and I figured if I could successfully navigate public transport in a foreign country, then I could probably be trusted to make to the local store and back). To this day, I still get a tiny thrill of doing something "forbidden" if I go out to a store or wherever without telling anybody where I'm going.
Reading this just made me realise I did this unconsciously all the time when living with my MIL for 18 months.
She is lovely, but also the type of woman who would be waiting at the window in her dressing gown with a worried look on her face because you're half an hour late home from the gym because you stopped at the store on the way home (at like, 7pm I might add!).
My partner and I were both fortunate enough to have work away jobs which helped, but I'd be so exhausted when I got home and she'd be waiting for me like an excited puppy and would immediately want company. Often on my way home I would just pull over for a bit and listen to an audiobook and eat a snack or if it was getting particularly hard, I'd tell her I had overtime, take a lie in at work and just go vibe somewhere for a bit. I also learned it was better to overestimate how long I'd be by about an hour than to have to answer questions and deal with her anxiety if I was running late, especially as I'm not very good at letting people know where I am because I've never had to answer to anyone like that (I grew up in foster care).
It was a struggle for me towards the end and I found myself feeling like I was a hostage in our bedroom, because I would stay up late to get some true alone time after she had gone to bed, then sleep in to avoid her in the morning, or even be awake and just stay hanging out in my room for an hour.
Again, she's a lovely woman who has done so much for me, but I am an incredibly independent person, am not used to parental love and spent most of my life being forced into uncomfortable living situations I didn't want to be in.
Doing chores is also self-care for me. I feel calmer knowing that the house is clean and tidy. Another thing that I enjoy doing is spending time in nature. It could be just me or with company but being outside close to nature is really helpful. Taking some time to breathe and notice all the beautiful things around you. And lastly I have a weird one. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed or just need relaxing, I lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling and listen to music. I don't know why but this makes me calm down and then I can think about what's bothering me/ happening. I prefer to do this in winter when I have a rug in my room as it feels more cozy.
Edit: I also like to take pictures of my outfits so when I don't know what to wear I can look at the outfits I've taken pictures of and just pick one.
I agree on the chores, especially cooking! If i have a few meals prepped or can be assembled in a minute i eat healthier and in moderation which in turn has a positive effect on my mood 😊
There's actually something to that lying on the floor thing. I read about it somewhere but can't find the article anymore. I do that too when I get really overwhelmed and my thoughts are moving too fast. Like on the edge of an anxiety attack, I guess. Lying down helps me literally see things from a different perspective. It's nice. 😊
@@ReallyRedPanda exactly!
can’t believe I’m not alone on the laying on the floor thing haha. Always makes me feel calmer
I'm reading this while lying on the floor 😊🙌
When I reply to emails I don't apologize. Instead I say "thank you for your patience as I worked to get back to you". I find this goes over really well, and doesn't mean I am over apologizing. I also love how Leena is offering some REAL self care advice. Don't get me wrong, I love a good face mask and a good bath bomb, but it doesn't help when you get out of the bath to be faced with the exact same pile of things still sitting there waiting for you. Here are some of my REAL self care tips, hopefully these help too:
- write a list of everything you need to do, and instead of looking at everything at once and feeling overwhelmed simply start with one item. Only one. And it should either be the easiest thing to do or the most important. I often find the hardest part is getting started but once you do, you find momentum.
- realize when you are overwhelmed and take 10 minutes to sit in silence. Not meditate but just sit, eyes open, breathing deeply. Realize that nothing has exploded, the world hasn't ended. Ask yourself what you need in this moment - do you need some water? Some food? Movement?
- Fresh air does A LOT for you.
- For all my Harry Potter lovers, if you have a Google Home you can set it up that when you say 'okay Google, expecto patronum' it will tell you a happy/positive quote. It is so fun.
- when you are feeling really out of whack, I find going back to your basic needs really helps: food, water, shower, walk, nap. In any order.
- meal plan. Not prep, just plan. It takes the stress out of shopping, and then you already know what you're having every night and it takes the stress of choice out of it.
- Grab your favorite treat. I'm not promoting comfort eating because that can lead to disordered eating etc. but I'm just saying if you're having a bit of a shit day, sometimes all you need is to grab an iced coffee and roll your sleeves up and get shit done.
I hope this helps someone! 💕
Big yes for the basic needs! Sometimes, when I feel like my life is falling apart, I just need to drink, eat and sleep and most of the problems shift back to their true size.
@@Saika789 so true! 🙌
On the spy hour concept: One of the best days I've ever had was when my brother and I went into my uni to return a library book. I then skipped the class I would have gone to and we wandered the city instead, randomly deciding to hire electric scooters and riding around the place, along the river and in the botanical gardens. That random day skipping class was the happiest I've felt in a long time.
Blowing my mind that adults have a version of a study date. Makes me grateful that I literally get to do that every week with my friends
My favourite form of "self care"? Gotta be a solo dance party! It stops me staring at a screen, I get to listen to my favourite music and I can loosen up my body after being sat at a desk all day
Leena, THIS is the self-help that I need in my life. I’m so frustrated with influencers and others trying to give self-help advice, that just does not seem to take into acount anything that actually makes us human. Thank you for this - will def try some of them out!
this really feels like peak example of neurotypical vs neurodivergent advice. NT: journal and meditate in the mornings. ND: lightly peer pressure your friends into answering emails with you!
and spy hour is my favourite thing in the world, although it often devolves into impulse buying things.......
omg you might be right about that!
Oof I feel that impulse buying comment. I used to love to go wander a big store by myself, being around people but anonymously. Tricky not to buy anything tho. Usually I would buy things and then return them later.
the reply hour, digital brain dump and bag tip were all so useful for me as someone with ADHD!
I also add people’s addresses to the notes of birthday reminders in my calendar, so I’m not rooting around trying to find their address - it’s right there!
So simple, so brilliant 👁️👄👁️
My contacts list on my phone is full of details related to the person :)
Ooh another thing I did in college - NO scrolling on my phone when walking to class. Because either 1) I'm not super busy, so I really *don't* need those extra 5 minutes to check email or 2) I AM super busy, which means I really need those few minutes to take a break!
Learning to recognize when I am in a moment of high energy and spirit and using that to set up a cushion for me when I come down again. Primarily this is about social contacts for me: the times when I get the most desperate for social contact are also the times when I am the worst suited for initiating and setting it up. When I am in a period of social flow I try and set things up in the future, even if I am right then and there feeling quite satiated with my level of sociability.
this is my comfort channel. One that does not boast or pretend but gives concise well made and thoughtful advice. I love it.
Self care is taking time to "relax" and do nice things.
Self-care isn't always sitting in a bath ignoring responsibilities, it's working to make your life (and sometimes your brain) better. You sometimes gotta put in the work to fix habits that hurt you instead of ignoring them.
Favorite self care: having a drop off zone in your apartment or dorm right next to the door.
You literally will never have to search for keys, headphones or sunglasses ever again. I always know where everything is and I can grab and go. This saves me so many times 🎉❤️ love your videos
Yes, this is great!
Yes, having this changed my life! People also call is a landing strip. Helps with the switching bags thing too. I mostly just take my wallet out rather than a bag.
Man, I keep living in places with these entryways that only have enough space for the door. My drop off is always the closest table, though.
A big emotional one that my mom has been on me about for YEARS (and as a person with anxiety) is just to "only focus your attention on what you can change". Which can be hard to tell sometimes but it can be so freeing when you do find them and just say "that can't be changed so I can't worry about it"
In the stifling heat of summer it's hard to envision this but, the peak of self-care for me was when I realized that I can just bring blankets into work with me. If I'm sitting for a majority of my day, it's easy to get cold, so I just pack a blanket or keep it in my place of work all winter long. It's fantastic.
When I'm having an especially bad period of mental health, I kinda bring out this mom friend in me that is quite loving, reasoning/logical, and pressed on making sure that *I'm* doing things that, while I don't have the motivation for in the moment, needs to be done for my own wellbeing. It has helped wonders.
Taking walks is something I cultivated during lockdowns. On my own, with a friend, or with my parents dog (who now loves me because of the many walks, I reckon). It's free, you get to move your body and activate your senses.
I feel like self-care is one of those terms that used to mean something and then got co-opted to sell stuff. To me it's the basic stuff I need to do to function when I'm depressed, i.e. washing, eating, drinking water, light exercise, getting out of bed etc. When I'm ignoring it, it's time to get some help, but it's not really something a healthy person needs to worry about making an effort to do.
Some excellent tips here, though! Thank you Leena 😀
Sometimes I forget what clothes I own for a couple of months straight, so I now have a notebook where I draw my clothing items and write down/draw lines between them which items would go well with what. It's nice also to categorize by them season.
In lines of admin dates, having cleaning dates with friends and family. I have always struggled with keeping the house clean, but having people that are suffering alongside you really helps :)
I really like the idea of having essentials always in a bag too! My solution for it was to sew myself a little pocket exactly the size of all the essentials I needed to move from bag to bag, and everytime I get home I empty my bag and leave this where I store my bags ;D
I do that with grocery bags. I have one foldable bag in every backpack or bag and don't need to buy new bags when going to the supermarket spontaneously.
I have the misconception that getting up early AND being productive is self care (even if it’s doing things you like)- but everyone has different sleep/wake cycles and for me it’s just torture.
This outfit-eyeshadow combination is incredible!!!
I have a 1 minute timer to have a moment of still in the morning where I just hold my coffee and smell it and try and focus on only that. It is sort of meditative but it reminds you how glorious the small things are.
"Resilience comes from true healing, slowly trying to back away from the rat race" Sing that SWEET song of validation, Leena!!!
Later in my 20s, I set a "halfway fence" boundary. Before that, I was the one chronically going however far out of the way people wanted me to to spend time with them. But that isn't sustainable, so I started insisting people meet me halfway, both literally and metaphorically. Stopped being the one constantly reaching out and coordinating, and now if someone moans about us not having seen each other in X amount of time, I ask why they didn't text me to ask if we can grab lunch or a drink. If plans *are* being made, I ask if we can meet somewhere about halfway between our two stomping grounds rather than me being the one to always be traveling to them. It's amazing how quickly interest in spending time with you evaporates when the other person is required to put in equal effort, and serves to really highlight which people are worth making exceptions for because they ARE willing to go to the same effort as you.
Ah, I feel you. I used to be involved with those people saying stuff like 'yeah come over' but also 'but you live soooooo far' when I invited them to my place. It was so painful and demeaning to hear. It took a lot of effort and determination and loneliness but I moved on from that.
Also I have an anxiety box: things that calm me down when I'm really really stressed and anxious, some are herbal tinctures, others are links to a chat with Elizabeth Gilbert, and others are just a snack
love this!
Defs do a bunch of these things, and then have heaps of my own other little ones 😊 but I do feel like some of them are pretty weird/very specific to me, rather than helpful to anyone else 😅
- Could not even fathom using more than one bag. My bag has all the things I need perfectly squished in and always in the same place!
- I always have a cup of water next to the bed. One cause get thirsty in the morning, but also to if needed force myself out of bed by drinking lots of water and thus requiring me to get out of bed to pee
- Audiobooks while commuting makes reading books so much easier and achievable!
- I now do the teeniest tiniest yoga routine (literally essentially just 2 half ass sun salutations with maybe a cat/dog thrown in,
One of my all time favourite purchases is a perpetual birthday calendar - It's a paper calendar that simply has the months and dates, and room for the name of all your favourite people
Something I've found helpful on designated house cleaning mornings (I mean for a start, designating Saturday morning as intense house cleaning time) is to lean into distractions. The rule is that as long as what I'm doing is furthering the aim of making the house nicer, I can do whatever I want.
I don't need to complete a task before I move on, either, as long as I come back later. I used to have these huge inner arguments when I tried to stick to one task or room until it was done, now I can stop part way through laundry to put dishes away, and then part way through that to take the rubbish out, then maybe when I'm out doing that I see that plants need watering.
Letting me distraction lead me around by the nose as long as it's within the right category just saves me so much mental energy.
One that I love that I learned from Hayley G Hoover (back in the day), is creating a song to remember items when leaving a location. Her's was "Did I bring my jacket? Where's my wallet phone and keys?".
Loving this!
When I went to Bible school we got weekly tasks so practice for example our relationship to rest, money or something else. One of the best tasks was one week when we got to work on failing. Not failing on purpose but actually doing things that might fail and that would be okay. It was really freeing for me, a twentytwo-year-old overachiever. I had never let myself fail before and therefore avoided the things I wanted to try deep down out of fear.
Brilliant
The private calendar events are so true. It changed my life when my boss told us that she expected everyone to put these on their calendar at least twice a week so that we could either work and focus on one specific project or just decompress and not really do any socializing for a couple of hours. Game changing.
Leena, this was so fun. Thank you for sharing your 20s wisdom series. It was a huge game changer for me when I realized that self care isn't always easy or fun. Sometimes it's going to bed early even though you're dying to revenge bedtime procrastinate, or sometimes it's cooking healthy food when all you want is ice cream (sometimes it's ice cream).
I keep a list of birthday gift ideas for my loved ones. When they mention something they're into, or something excites them but they wouldn't get it themselves, I jot it down. That's how I can give amazing gifts without stressing about deadlines
my biggest ‘discovery’ of the past year was finding a safe place. basically just a spot ideally outside your work or how. that is close by and easy to access that helps you calm down and be at peace with your self, a park, a coffee shop. anything thing will work but make it a ‘you’ place. try not to bring other people there with you often. mine is a duck pond near my house. I go there and sit, sometimes I read and listen to music and sometimes I work but it’s a safe place I can go to be alone and feel stress free. sometimes just knowing that I have a date with myself at the pond monday morning make me feel better. even if i’m just writing emails there it’s still my place.
My tip: instead of thinking “oh I don’t wanna do this, I’ll do it tomorrow” try and shift your thinking to “future me would be so happy if I did this right now”. I’ve found that to really help with my procrastination
You and this series make me feel like you're a mind-reader. Thank you for providing a twenties toolkit; as a 21-year-old who is currently really struggling with self-care because I always feel the need to be "productive" 24/7 and feel guilty doing otherwise, this series is genuinely amazing. Also, the "All The Small Things" reference made me smile.
I can attest to the power and perfection of the admin days with friends! My friend group and I always call it "Life Admin" because it's usually the stuff that you just keep forgetting to get to because you're so tired after all your actual work admin - could be cancelling unused subscriptions or finally writing a thank you note to that person you keep meaning to thank, just whatever. It's perfect for all of those "this will only take 10 minutes but I've been putting it off for six months" tasks.
Wow, these suggestions are so original. It makes complete sense that admin for day to day non-work stuff needs its own intentional time. I don't know why the impression with self care often is that if you just have the perfect "me time" those things will sort themselves out on their own because you'll just naturally be happier and more organized without any practical methods.
When my anxiety is at its peak level and I am afraid I can’t do the big task in front of me, I put on a certain piece of jewelry that says ‘nothing is heavy to those who have wings’ and it reminds me that things aren’t as scary as I am making it out to be. I can decide that a hard task is not heavy and it gets me through the day or I can prepare for the task to make it lighter. It also reminds me to take the day one thing at a time because you travel lighter when you fly.
I read somewhere (not going to lie, I think it was a post on Tumblr) the quote, 'Start where you are, Use what you have, Do what you can'. I have held on to it like a little mantra to remind myself that I can only do what I can do during periods of overwhelm or stress. It really soothes me and refocuses me on what is in my control rather than what isn't.
Spy Hour is no joke, I've been doing it since I watched this last year and it's amazing . Similar to that even just booking things like 'weekend' to your calendar so the day is full and you don't get into the trap of seeing a blank day and filling it
Going for a walk without your phone. I know sounds scary because what if.... but if it's daylight, you'll probably be fine, and it's so liberating not being contactable while out (like the olden days...the 90s)
Even just putting your phone in Airplane mode or on Do Not Disturb while out for a walk or doing another task, so you can still have it in case you need it for an emergency, can make a huge difference. Also turning off my phone for an hour or two in the evenings after a particularly high-stress day!
Keep a playlist of songs that make you happy. Guilty pleasure stuff from my early teen years, yes please.
Rock 'n roll will save your soul.
My favorite thing is to physically write down my ideal morning and evening routine and stick it on my mirror I use daily. The ideal routines should include my hygiene essentials and 1 goal. It also needs to include "1 nice thing". This is a separate list I have next to the routines. This list has my hobbies, face masks, cup of tea, etc. Then I have a final routine that I call the Depression Routine. This routine has a maximum of 8 things to do a day, such as shower, change clothes, brush teeth, etc. This is the beginner routine. The routine I start when I am getting out of a depression episode.
I feel like I’ve been ✨positively✨ called out about keeping receipts because I already do that AND I have a little tip to add on to that; make a folder in your emails specifically for receipts so if you buy something online you can just tag it there and BOOM. DONE. I need to keep receipts for my work so I find this super handy.
P.S. Thank you Leena for your endless words of (practical) wisdom! I’ll be saving this and revisiting it for sure, as well as actually putting some of it into action (like the birthday thing!)
honestly, throwing my phone across the room when I've been doom scrolling in the morning ALWAYS helps me get out of bed. Looking for more motivation to not join the online world right when I get up, but I have 0 clue what I should do since most days I don't have plans until the nighttime. One thing that works for me is having post-it notes available to write down a daily to-do list. Getting myself to do the list is another task. I also really like to listen to a podcast in the am but I think it would be better if I chose it the night before - same with clothing like when I was in high school.
It's interesting you mention bedside books because I've found that a crucial self-care tactic for me has been only to read one book at once! For most of my life I've had my foot in the water of multiple books but now I realize focusing on one book at a time helps to calm me down and be more mindful and enjoy what I'm reading without choice paralysis
One that works for me is ensuring that the house is tidy at the end of each day- dishes done, clothes put away, electronics charging, surfaces (mostly) clear. It makes the start of the next day SO much easier.
thank you so much for this video!!! i’m 23 and trying to figure out this whole adult thing.
it’s been hard doing everything on my own, when i used to get so much support, praise, and guidance from my parents/teachers/coaches. i’ve been working with my therapist on building a “loving inner parent” who can be that voice of reason, who is firm but fair.
for example:
“i know you don’t feel like making dinner, but your body needs the nourishment. you will feel so much better after you’ve eaten.”
“i know you want to watch netflix all night, but you have work in the morning. you can watch one more episode and then get ready for bed.”
i’ve even started writing notes to myself for encouragement throughout the day -
“you’re doing great!”
“i’m so proud of you!”
it makes a huge difference to still feel like there is a parent at the helm of the ship, steering me in the right direction and giving me the support that i need.
Something that has been realy selfcaring for me is to get to know my neighborhood by walking. Every time I needed to do some random thing like buy a medicine or fix a shoe I used to search for a place near my job, but with the pandemic I couldn't do that anymore. So I started to order on line at local businesses near me so I could to pick my shoppings up walking and not pay delivery service. I found so many cool stuff that I was missing like a garden certer, thrift shops, the cheapest drogstore, eletronics, shoes, clothes repair business... Every walk is delightful and makes me feel safer at home. Only after four years leaving in this neighborhood I can say that I know it well!
I find that placing cute baskets in spots where I usually drop all my things when I get home, just makes things a little quicker and easier to sort through and find on my out
Great video! Something that's also helped me is to figure out 5 recipes that you can make and that you really like, and then write them down and keep them in your kitchen. They don't have to be fancy, they don't have to be healthy, they just have to taste good to you. Then, if you're feeling uninspired for grocery shopping or meal planning that week, you can just pick up the ingredients for something you already know how to make that you definitely like and you don't have to go searching online or through a cookbook to remember which one you liked. I have a single serve brownie in a mug recipe that i make at least once a week that i just have taped in the cupboard for easy reference.
as a student who's also a master in procrastinating I think adding a 30 seconds delay to my emails wouldn't be that great! I once sent an assignment in like 24 seconds before the deadline would end, and I have used the "oh I forgot to add the file to my email" to gain some more minutes before I would send my assignment so,,
My "one in each bag" list: snacks, band-aids, tampoons, a reusable bag, chewing gums, charging cable, emergency cash. In highschool, I also had a par of extra underwear & a spoon. I also have this lil bag I can move around, which essentially is an emergency bag with scissors, bandages, lots of different band-aids, pain relief, alcohol wipes etc.
I have also realised all of these in my 30s and my life is so much easier now! I don't use Google Keep now, I use Notion and literally everything is in there; every single task I have to do (work and life), plus instructions on how to fill in my tax form and all that kinda thing. It has changed my life!
Basically a lot of self-care is just figuring out who you are, where you struggle and implementing stuff to help with that!
One of the best things I've done for myself is having an important papers bin. It's just this little foldable bin I got at the dollar store years ago. And everything I get an important document I stick it in there. So whenever I'm stressed about finding an important thing I look in there. And it's always there for me.
I've been doing the birthday thing for years, and it's such a life saver!
I love all the ideas in the comments! Actually you recommended trello for to do lists some years back and it really helped me get rid of haunting to dos and to sort them into categories and split them into managable sizes.
Some of my self care is this time off after appointments - my favourites are free days / days off where I can just choose what to do and where to go. Taking myself to places like having a cinema date is just really so good for me. Instead of feeling lonely it makes me feel independent.
Another one of my favourites is the library. Nothing makes me more calm than the muffled voices - most of the people in libraries tent to be quiet and respectful and you get to go home with a book that you would have normally not looked at.
A last one: Taking time for something that serves no purpose other than to make you happy, like playing an instrument or doing a puzzle, a soduko, reading an article in a magazine, playing a game. I hate that so much of my life usually is centered around "productivity" and for a long time self-care for me was part of an unhealthy routine of self optimization. Instead of trying so hard to be a better version of you and doing something "productive" every minute of your life I found it way more freeing and human to sometimes just do something completely pointless and aimless.
This is an extra special good one. Thanks Leena!
My main self care is working out/moving my body as many days as possible. This is usually for less than 20 min and can be nearly anything (yoga, weights, HIIT, LIIT, stretching, walking, whatever). The consistency has been so wonderful and no matter what else happens that day, I’ve shown my body and self some love.
So true. I need to get out of the house for a walk. Will do that now. Thanks for the reminder!
My main self care tip is letting myself be flexible. Especially as I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm chronically ill and have to listen to my body more. For example, this morning I told myself I was going to go for a swim and then come home and have a life admin day. I'm actually feeling exhausted and really don't want to go swimming, and as a result I am in bed doing nothing. I just made a deal with myself that I'd swim tomorrow and I'm feeling so much happier about getting up and tackling the rest of my to do list. Not doing this one thing does not mean I've failed or that I'm lazy, it just means I'm able to take care of myself better.
Regarding the 30 seconds-delay, one thing of the same kind I do is to put the email recipients last, after I wrote AND re-read the text. Saved me more than once!
For me the boundaries/saying 'no' is the best one. I love my friends etc., but if I don't feel like taking part in a conversation in a messaging app, I won't, and if I don't feel like seeing anybody, I won't (of course I try not to cancel if I've already agreed to go somewhere, but if I feel rubbish, I will cancel, and it should be okay).
Also a vital one for me: I am like an old lady and put my vitamins into a pill storage/dispenser box so that I remember to take them.
Just to clarify: I always reply to someone's personal messages, at least to let them know when I'm replying to them properly, but I meant group chats. Those I can skip if I don't feel like talking at that moment. :)
Zoom homework dates with classmates got me through remote learning in 2020. I miss in-person admin dates, but still the habit of calling a friend to do work together is a nice fallback since we're all graduated and apart now.
Get an app which you can run and set multiple timers at once. Super handy for a)what time did I take that last paracetamol and b)when cooking food that takes different times. Plus just in general when you're doing several task. Now I know when things are done and get a bonus reminder of what it was that I needed to time anyway