Secrets of the Dismissive Avoidant: 3 Things They Do to Rekindle Love
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- Опубліковано 10 лип 2024
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Are you currently caught in a web of uncertainty? Wondering if your dismissive avoidant attachment style (avoidant attachment style) ex is trying to get back together and if they're really interested in rekindling something? In this video, Thais Gibson gives us 3 sure signs that dismissive avoidants do when they want to get back together.
Watch now to find out what these 3 signs are!
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Repair Any Relationship", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:30 - Sign #1: Reach Out Indirectly, But Consistently
00:02:58 - Sign #2: Try To Spend Time Together
00:04:39 - Sign #3: Try To Behave Differently
00:05:43 - 14-Day Free Trial: How To Repair Any Relationship Course
00:06:06 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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I hope this video was helpful! Please share your experience in the comments!
As a clinical therapist and healed FA with strong AP leanings… I’ve found that DAs don’t come back and if they do, their indirect efforts are in direct conflict with my personal non-negotiable standards… and I’ve met so many DAs in my therapy practice who are AMAZING people… but… if they’re not too far on their healing journey… they simply… may not be ready. This fear response deserves to be met empathy and compassion… AND… is not a green light to self abandon for the “hope” or “potential” that they are willing to do the hard work. For DAs… the hard work of being emotionally available and vulnerable is threatening… and remember NO ONE can make anyone do anything they aren’t willing or ready to do.
This is so beautifully put. I was having a conversation with someone on this thread about their DA. I hope they see your comment because you put it far more eloquently than I did. ❤
becoming "emotionally available" isn't a walk in the park either, you're really short selling it by calling it hard work. Its a multi-year commitment
The two DAs I have been involved in always came back...over and over...and over. But there was no point in them coming back. I would have been trapped eternally in the same unfulfilling cycle if I didn't walk away for good. My experiences beyond the coming back part align with what you're saying. I've healed and am no longer attracted to people whose actions and level of effort don't consistently show that they strongly desire a place in my life.
After posting my comment above, I'm wondering whether DAs are less likely to return to APs and anxious-leaning FAs.
Yes the DA I dealt with refused to even acknowledge that he has these blockages and keeps saying that childhood was the best time of his life. I know he cares a lot about me but not enough to put in the work and I really have to move on. There have been times when I thought he has started to heal but nope after months or a year it’s again the same thing over and over again
Nope. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, starting with narcissists and DAs.
Yep that's how some of us go DA in the first place, narcissistic abuse.
I love this quote.
Thank you for your content. You really helped me. When I first watched your videos I was in a breakup with a DA. He was my situationship. And all those months I thought he just tricked and played me and I felt devastated. But then I came to your content and I finally understood, that it wasn't my fault at all and that he hasn't played me, he was just a DA. Like...for real, whenever you spoke about dismissive avoidant I was like: "This was him! He behaved like that." It helped me so much to understand him and why he pulled away in the end. Because I'm an anxious preoccupied.
After 3 months of no contact he wrote me...and we met. And our connection was never gone. He's still afraid of getting into a relationship. But that's okay for the moment. I have to see how he's behaving in the near future. But I see a change of our communication. He's texting me everyday and more than once. He never did that before. And he's sending me photos and videos. I think he's trying to meet more of my need for communication, but sometimes I'm a little scared it's to much for him and he will pull away again. But this time I'll know why and how to react. I also have to do a lot of work on myself. Because of my anxious attachment style I always get triggered so fast. So thank you for understanding him better, but myself too!
"Because of my anxious attachment style I get triggered so fast." SAME. And I was dealing with a DA whom
I DID NOT understand and thought everything was my fault: "I'm not good enough" "I'm not handsome enough" I'm working on my C-PTSD and what I'm willing to put up with because I allowed her to treat me in a way that was FAR FAR from healthy and I will not ever allow that treatment again.
Having been dumped last month by a DA who I was almost with for 2 years I can say that the breakup came out of nowhere. I’m still processing everything. It’s so hard for me not to have any contact. He looks at my Instagram stories and it can be very hard to understand why. I don’t know if we will get back together but I have hope we might. I also found out he’s trying to date again so I know the boomerang effect will kick it when he thinks he’s found another partner. I’ve had an ex before him that I didn’t contact for 6 months and then right when I was about to move on he reached out. It can be so exhausting but I’m putting a lot of work into myself and I feel a lot better and more present and there for me more. I’m probably an anxious attachment style because I overthink a lot. I’m also doing better with that too
How are things??
@@Kimberlyelayyne Not good. He has fallen in old pattern like not reading my messages, not initiate texting, not seeing him for about 7 weeks. Everytime there is another excuse. He has told me he would come to my birthday in 1 1/2 weeks...but I kinda have the feeling there will be another excuse. After this long period of time my anxious thoughts are on fire. He's sabotaging our connection. And there is a part of me who don't want to let him go, but there is also a part of me who want to push him away. But I kinda accept it, how it is. I know I have no future with him. And when it end I will love him from very afar. But I think I will get better through the cut off this time. Because this time I know why this all happened. I hope so at least.
My ex DA and ex FA both test the waters with me. I think they're both currently doing it now? The FA for sure because he keeps texting that he misses me amongst other things. The DA sent a funny meme a few days ago, but when he wants to come back he typically sends them at least once a day or every other day so it could just be a meme that made him think of me and nothing else. Him and I sort of put a button on us last year when we both agreed we want different things and had another great closure conversation this year. I've been friends with both of these men since my teens and we're now in our 40's and both will always have a special place in my heart, but I think that's where they'll remain. ❤
Thank you for sharing
From teen to 40s…. Nice that you’re able to maintain a friendship. I could never! It got too crazy for me
@@SK-no2pp I've always stayed friendly with exes. Not all, but most. From what I've gotten from them over the years, there's a sense of comfort they get having me in their lives.
Dismissive Avoidants! Let us know if this resonates with you!
It gets a little more complicated when you’ve been married for years have a home together and have children where you are obligated to talk weekly. What would some of the signs look like in that scenario?
I just wanted to say briefly that I know the situation you describe only too well.
For my mental health, going no contact was the only thing that made sense, but for my family sometimes staying in touch was essential. It's so wrenching.
What if we haven’t actually “broken up,” neither have said those words, they’re just pulling away? It’s hard to decipher bc DAs rarely initiate contact in the first place.
I would just reach out and ask. When I was unhealed, I would try and decipher our dynamic without having a single conversation. You have to get to a place where you're comfortable asking him what's happening in a healthy way. I've totally been here. ❤
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I texted last week after 27 days of silence on both ends, to talk about a death in the community. It was very brief. There was no response to whether he agrees that the long, frequent breaks are deteriorating our relationship. Perhaps I should have pursued but I just said, Ok never mind. So not sure if I should reach out again …. or let him miss me.
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w gotcha. In that case I probably wouldn't reach back out as his silence is all the answers you need for now. Whether he's doing it because he's in shut down mode to regulate himself or because he's unsure or no longer interested, I would leave him be. Sorry, I didn't realize you already tried reaching out. Maybe just try and concentrate on yourself and if he does come back after some time, have an important talk before you get back together. I've heard Thais say to wait on these talks so the DA can feel safe again and also say have the talk right away. I was in a similar scenario and after him coming back several times, I finally just said we need to have the tough conversation first. We didn't work out and parted ways, but having him in my life was not as important as respecting and valuing my own needs and boundaries, so I was prepared to let him go. I completely understand why a DA will shut down and I don't love them any less for it. It's not healthy for me though. I will never again put myself in a situation where I'm sitting for weeks or months waiting for someone to come back around. It doesn't feel good.
@@user-tz1hl3pf2wit's tricky because they're scared to move forward and asking can make them think they're causing you a problem, (which it is but we're prepared to wait for them and be there for them) but other ex's of theirs got angry or offended and dumped them, so the reaction might be to tell you to find another guy, simply because they think they're not good enough and feel bad because now they're letting you down, (not because they're not interested). Like "dump before I get dumped" kinda reaction. Been through that and I've gone no contact. Have to work on my own healing but I haven't blocked him, won't ignore him or anything like that, if he comes back I'll ask him if he likes me and if so he can meet me halfway. but I'm not counting on that happening and once I've healed I'll take steps towards a relationship with a secure attached guy this time.
@@ashton1952thank u so much, trying times. 😢 But pardon me but I thought u are a DA yourself?
thank you for the useful content, Thais, always glad to learn something new.
Loved the actionable steps given by Thais here!!
DA’s need to pursue therapy, not relationships
No shit, right, lol
Stop !! You're speaking to much facts 😅
Thanks!
I’m in the grey area because even though it’s a situationship he won’t say goodbye or let me go (even when I give him an out) but is silent. I still share music videos and articles now and then maybe once a month. I’m anxious attached learning secure.
My DA came back after two months of no contact. We had been together for 4 years! He booked a 7 day cruise for my birthday and spent every weekend with me. Out of nowhere he took someone else out on a date. I am so confused, everything was going so well, makes no sense as to why he sabotaged it. He said he thought I was seeing someone else, which was the furthest thing from the truth. No back to no contact going on three weeks. Not sure what he is up to at this point, it’s time to just focus on myself.
I’m trying to figure out if my dismissive avoidant even wants to be in a dating relationship.
They are okay to have a superficial relationship. However, they would start pulling away once the relationship is getting real.
@@laolooo people get afraid when the emotions start getting involved, because the new partner has the potential to destroy you emotionally; maybe not quite that but the person thinks it. FA's can dismiss entire relationships out of fear too, I've seen it. DA is more likely to not do anything drastic but avoid and dismiss the conflict and we pick up on bad energy very quickly. Shutting down is a self defense mechanism. People aren't always aware of how what they do and say can effect their partner. There's subconscious stuff that needs healing.
absolutely. Another reason why I think DA are likely to dismiss is because they are afraid to show their vulnerability and their autonomy might be taken by their partners. When you mentioned DA are likely to avoid and dismiss any conflicts by shutting down, it reminds me of my DA ex who was not even able to have a direct convo with people who has different perspectives from them, and she said " I was too rude and straightforward among others" when I just simply shared my thoughts...@@ashton1952
Just find someone that’s not so difficult to be with.
I feel like DA.... always start something new, when that new persons "newness" wears off.... they are back chasing the ex and making the new person feel like its their fault stuff is failing... or maybe thats just my experience with these ppl
chasing their previous ex? what do you mean
@@colettejacqt yes. Cant cut off the previous ex, alway have an lingering ex whenever they move on to new ppl
My experience is that the newness wears off and they start criticizing and devaluing me, and feeling anxious around me. Now that I know more about this, I think it's a buildup of resentment from unexpressed and subsequently unmet needs. But really, what do they honestly expect if they won't communicate?
@@cornwallismorgan874 check for the signs of emotional abuse, (can google) because these things could also be the behavior of a covert narc. Watch out for things like a big victim mentality, drawing you in by making you feel sorry for them, isolating you from family and friends, control, criticizing everyone and everything, gaslighting. It's different from the DA and there's no fixing it, so better to get out at the beginning.
@@ashton1952 Oh not to worry, my mom is a narcissist so I'm at a point in my healing where they don't affect me all that much anymore. I was seeing a woman whose behaviors indicated that maybe she's DA, not a narcissist, but there's definitely an abuse component there that I wasn't okay with. She minimized most of the issues she has and did a lot of people-pleasing with me.
thank you
This isn't just DAs, this would be anyone lol
Spooky timing as always, Thais!
Consistent contact but once or twice a month, as a female DA I also don't want to look as if I'm chasing. Telling the person you miss them, every now and again, I think is not such a big thing, (just my opinion) especially if they're working broad. But saying that you love them no, that may well scare another DA off. Show it rather, until that mutual level of trust and ''being on the same team'' is attained. *abroad. (He's also DA and he broke up with me, hadn't mentioned that).
How do DAs like to be shown please, to attain that mutual level of trust, that we’re on the same team?
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w I think it's about seeing that our potential partner is not going to try to control everything, (isolate us or tell us what to do, what not to do all the time. If there's something we're doing that upsets you there's a way to address it, without a scary display of uncontrolled emotions and cruel words. Ability to regulate yourself, knowing your own limits about how much to give, like not depending on us so much. Sometimes a partner gives way too much, and we weren't ready, and then there's resentment and criticizm. Connection is important to keep a healthy pace and grow at the same speed. DA' s tend to be a little slower because we're being cautious. DA men can really chase at the beginning but be aware it's the first phase /attraction phase and true love hasn't put down roots yet. So be affectionate and reciprocal but invest slowly with your heart. By opening up and being vulnerable yourself you lead the way. Sharing maybe something you fixed about yourself if there's anything you'd like to change in your DA, it can open the conversation from there. So much is about establishing the trust first. These are just my thoughts/experience and please don't allow emotional abuse (see the list of signs) because I spent years trying to rescue a partner who was emotionally abusive (not the one I mentioned here) it's not worth it, so evaluate your situation loving yourself first 🙏❤️
@@ashton1952 Ty so very much for your valuable insight. 🙏 For us, we haven’t broken up per se, no one’s spoken the words, but he’s pulling away. We’re ‘together’ 8 months, but it’s mostly a text-only relationship. I suppose he’s more comfortable that way. I only recently suspected he’s DA, asked him so kindly, gently, lovingly, patiently to open up, talk to me. We’re very close. He says, nothing’s wrong. Thereafter no texting for nearly a month, from both sides. I finally reached out about a death in the community, and asked if he agreed that our frequent, long breaks are deteriorating our relationship. No response. So I didn’t press, I said, Ok never mind. So here we are now. Do I reach out again, or leave him alone, let him miss me? Also, I suspect there are sexual issues. Thx again, would so much appreciate your feedback, as I’m having the hardest time being separated from him. 🥹❤️
As a single FA (after breaking up) I realized whenever I see someone I know (can be friend, youtuber, twitch streamer...) has got into relationship, I feel happy for them but also I feel pity for them for getting themselves into trap! on that moment I feel how good is it to be single and free but sometimes also I really want to be in a relationship and I feel lonely, weird. can anyone relate ?
I can relate. I'm a healing FA and have a love/hate relationship with being in a commited partnership. I suppose as long as it's some more secure or more avoidant than me who values time and space I can picture a future with them. But if it's a codependent or anxious type of energy where you have to run everything by your partner or keep in constant contact, I won't even entertain it because that feels stifling to me. In other words, I'm open to longterm with someone who has boundaries while accepting mine. So I feel you.
Its the fear of intimacy….amongst other things such as fear of rejection,
I'm FA, but I lean avoidant, and this sounds a lot like me. 😂😂 Just wondering, is there a difference between the way an avoidant would act post break-up if they wanted to get back together if they were the one who had initiated the break-up, vs being the one who had been broken up with? And also, do you see a difference between the way that avoidant women/femmes might react to a break up vs avoidant men/mascs, both in situations where they had initiated the break-up, and in situations where they had been the one broken up with?
How would this adjust if things were long distance?
What if I haven’t heard from them in over 10 months after they abruptly ended our relationship, burnt everything to the ground and ghosted / blocked me, deliberately became a different person and jumped into bed with a clown? That’s how my relationship of 5 years, with the love of my life, ended.
Mine - ended 8 year relationship by cheating on me. His narcissist mistress bullied me, he did nothing. He is now cheated on, lied and she made a whole smear compaign on him. His choice - he made a decision. Bye bye, baby bye bye, it's your turn to cry.
That stinks, and I'm sorry it turned out this way. It is quite hard to get over circumstances like that. But you know what? You saw their true colours and, in the long run, are better off without such a counterfeit in your life.
@@GeoffreyAngapa I'm far more better after a year but it still hurts.
@@basiaramona68 I understand.
@@basiaramona68I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you heal and you deserve so much better. ❤
Can you do one of these for FA’s? Thanks
I'm confused, my DA ex and I broke 4 months ago after a period of turbulence.
He has told me to move on with someone else as he can't meet my needs. However, he has also said he wants to be friends and he been willing to plan something over 1 month in advance (he never planned anything!) And take time away from a sport (he never did this before) in order to do so.
His words are telling me he doesn't want to get back together but this video suggests otherwise?
Sounds like he found someone else,what to explore that option,but without you being in the way,but still want to keep the friendship,so when the newness of that relatiomship wears off,he will return back to you.
That is he case that happened to me.3 times! He would always cheat,than come back with all the signes described in the video.
that is a DA who knows he did some shitty or shady stuff and wants to look good for you, it´s a trap
Sorry to hear that.
My DAv is definitely still single.
@sakutaro3musik486 he didn't do anything shady, he let me down a lot
@sakutaro3musik486 what do ypu think the trap is?
You must be reading my texts…
Is it a DA thing to not want to fully commit to the idea of getting back together? my DA keeps telling me "let's take it slow" and "just see where it goes"
We have quite consistent communication ever since I reached out and we text a tiny bit usually daily but each attempt to hangout was shutdown.
I also noticed that she seems to be doing way better with communication and actually tries to talk to me and set boundaries
That sounds DA or FA. Taking it slow and not jumping right back in is more comfortable. Personally if you keep getting shut down everytime you ask to hang or if you are the one predominantly reaching out, I'd slow that down and focus more on yourself. I like to think if its meant to be it will naturally evolve on it's own.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes That makes a lot of sense, my anxious attachment (idk if im really anxious or shes just making me anxious) is making it really hard to "take it slow" because of the uncertainity, I tend to be a bit pushy and she just tells me to take it slow. I have also asked her what are we and was met with "I don't know" which really doesn't make it any easier on my anxiety
@@spycer6276 I hear you and completely understand. I'm a FA and my avoidant side gets triggered when I'm with someone anxious and my anxious side comes out when I'm with someone avoidant. Honestly, you should take the quiz and find out your attachment style and start doing the work on yourself and figure out what's best for you. If it makes you uncomfortable in the unknown gray area then I would make that known and tell her you understand why she wants to take it slow and you're willing to try that, but if she is feeling unsure or indecisive about the two of you having a future, it might be best to go your separate ways because you're not getting your needs met.
I did that with my ex DA when he came back. Before I let him see me, I asked him what he was looking for because we could either be friends or have something real because I'm not interested in the "more than friends, but not quite a relationship" gray area. I said if I do that then only one of us are getting their needs met and that's not fair to me. We did end it and stayed platonic friends...from a distance. If you decide to have this type of conversation, you need to be prepared to lose them. It took me so long to say it because I really loved and wanted him. But after becoming more secure thru PDS, I wasn't willing to set myself back and deregulate my nervous system again. You have to think about what's healthy for you.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I've done tests for attachment theory and always come out as secure, yet I am super anxious with my partner (possibly because shes a dismissive avoidant (I think)) I don't really mind sitting in this gray zone as long as she knows that I want to move towards a relationship, which I made very clear because I insited on fixing stuff rather then taking it slow. but I guess I have to accept the pace at which she wants to move and just hope for the best
@@spycer6276 hope for the best, but be prepared for an outcome that may not go in your favor if you put her needs above your own. Just because someone knows what you want or what you're looking for doesn't mean that it's what they'll decide in the end. I know this from dating unhealed DA's and also because I'm a FA who generally leans avoidant. If I need time to think, it's usually not going to go in the favor of the other person. I hope I don't sound like a downer. ❤️ All I'm saying is if you are willing to do this at her pace, don't have expectations that it means you'll be a couple in the end. I'm pretty black and white, so if something isn't a clear yes, then it's a no. That's me, not her.
Hopefully another DA will hop on and give you a perspective from their end. I only speak on my personal experiences and views and everyone's are different. Good luck. 💛
Do you think highly narcissistic individuals are usually fearful-avoidant, dismissive-avoidant, or disorganized attachment ? Does it vary widely ?
She's done videos on this and I believe she said that anxious attachments are more likely to be narcissists. That can be AP or FA leaning anxious. Maybe someone else will chime in to be more specific.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes agree, biggest differences being their views on drama and supply. DA's dismiss conflict whilst narcs thrive off it. Narcs use people, DA's don't want to owe or be a burden. Narcs seem to have FA style but being FA doesn't mean a person is narcissistic, not at all.
Narcissists are their own attachment style
@@ashton1952 great point!!!!
As a Secure DA, this is interesting because I often reach out once a week in the dating stage so I can guage the woman properly. If I'm in a relationship and the woman starts to get flakey or takes me for granted, I'll pull away by letting the calls go to voice-mail or taking an hour or two to answer a text message.
That said, I've never considered getting back myself, but I had an ex disappear on me for several weeks. She said she wanted to stay together only to friend-zone me a short time later. A few months later, she started calling me a couple of times a week wanting to "hang out." Looking back at it, she was probably an FA die to her hot and cold nature, lol.
Wow
Thanks!