Lies you're told about marriage in your twenties.
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- Опубліковано 1 лип 2024
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00:00 intro
01:50 Marriages are ancient romantic ceremonies
04:17 Marriage is a step towards building a perfect relationship
05:25 Not marrying makes me really rad
06:38 You have to have a wedding to have a marriage
10:43 Eco friendly weddings
12:52 Marriage is an agreement between me and my partner
14:45 If it doesn’t work out, just get divorced
17:23 You only gain rights when you get married
21:22 Misogyny is over
23:22 Marriage has always been the same
SOURCES
C1:
TED-Ed, 2014, ‘The history of marriage’, • The history of marriag...
Insider, 2017, ‘We've all been tricked into thinking you need a diamond to get engaged’, www.insider.com/why-do-we-pro...
C2:
Frank Loesser, c.1950, ‘Marry the Man Today’ in ‘Guys and Dolls’, • "Marry The Man Today" ...
C3:
Tom Rasmussen, 2021, ‘First Comes Love’, p23
C4:
Hitched, 2019, ‘How Much Does a Wedding Cost?’: hitched.co.uk/wedding-plannin...
Which?, 2021, ‘How much deposit do you need for a mortgage?’, www.which.co.uk/money/mortgag...
Bidvine, 2021, ‘How much does counselling cost?’ www.bidvine.com/counselling/p...
C5:
Country Living, 2018, ‘British weddings create the same weight as 47 blue whales...’, www.countryliving.com/uk/crea...
IWM, ‘What to wear to a wartime wedding’, www.iwm.org.uk/history/what-t..., accessed June 2021
C6:
The Law Commission, 1992, ‘Criminal law: rape within marriage’, p7, assets.publishing.service.gov...
C7:
Money Helper, 2021, ‘How Much Does a Divorce Cost?’, www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk...
The Times, 2020, ‘How much does a divorce cost?’, www.thetimes.co.uk/money-ment...
School of Life, 2016, ‘Why bother with marriage?’, • Why Bother With Marriage?
C8:
Insider, 2020, ‘A woman was told she needed her husband's permission...’, www.insider.com/a-woman-neede...
The Financial Diet, 2020, ‘A Divorce Lawyer On [...] What People Don't Know About Divorce’, • A Divorce Lawyer On Pr...
Co-op Legal, 2020, ‘Can you disinherit your spouse’, www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/...
Equifax, ‘Marriage and bad debt’, www.equifax.co.uk/resources/d..., accessed 2021
Tom Rasmussen, 2021, ‘First Comes Love’, p49, p57, p80
Tanya Evans, 2005, ‘Unfortunate Objects’, p48
The Guardian, 2011, ‘Mixed race Britain...’, www.theguardian.com/society/2...
Chamion Caballero, 2018, ‘Mixed Race Britain...’, link.springer.com/content/pdf...
Gov.uk, ‘Annul a marriage’, www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage
Age UK, 2021, ‘Financial and legal tips before remarrying’, www.ageuk.org.uk/information-...
Buzzfeed, 2017, ‘These Couples Say They Can’t Move In Together...’, www.buzzfeed.com/laurasilver/...
C9:
Independent, 2006, ‘The stress of marriage shortens your life...’, www.independent.co.uk/life-st...
Independent, 2016, ‘Husbands “create extra 7 hours of housework a week”’, www.independent.co.uk/life-st...
Kilpi F, 2015, ‘Living Arrangement as determinants of myocardial infarction incidence..., p93-133
Slate, 2014, ‘It’s Not Your Kids Holding Your Career Back. It’s Your Husband’ , slate.com/human-interest/2014...
Wikipedia, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bride#c...
C10:
The High Low, 2020, ‘Selling Sunset, [...] How Often Do YOU Clear Out Your Pants Drawer?’, play.acast.com/s/thehighlowsh...
Tom Rasmussen, 2021, ‘First Comes Love’, p91
THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
Here are some THINGS that wouldn’t fit in the description cus I brought too many receipts:
1/Lol since filming this they have moved the date for Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act to 2022 (boo!) www.familylaw.co.uk/news_and_comment/commencement-date-of-6-april-2022-announced-for-the-divorce-dissolution-separation-act-2020
Video update on it here: ua-cam.com/video/eqB2K5741f4/v-deo.html
Here's a great podcast to learn more about no-fault divorce: podtail.com/en/podcast/reasons-to-be-cheerful-with-ed-miliband-and-geoff-/episode-32-ending-the-blame-game-the-case-for-no-f/
2/Jessica’s great video on disability and marriage, if you’d like to learn more: ua-cam.com/video/JJpKvWS-inA/v-deo.html
3/This interview with a US divorce lawyer was super eye-opening! ua-cam.com/video/WZHUhmCN_fI/v-deo.html
Could you maybe add a note about marriages involving a trans person? You talked about marriages being annulled during the gender recognition certificate (GRC) process but has been defunct for a while. It used to be that a same sex marriage was annulled during the GRC process because same sex marriage wasn't legal when it was introduced. Now that same sex marriage is legal, both partners have to confirm (via a particular document) during the process that they want to remain married. If they don't want to, they are issued a document that can be used to obtain a divorce.
Just found your channel, really loving your down to earth way of talking about things. Also love the facts and figures delivery, comparing plastic use to blue whales😂
Subscribed, keep it up. I can see your channel gaining hundreds of thousands more subscribers in no time.
I want more friendship rituals! People celebrate so many moments as a couple, but I want more friendship anniversaries, bi-monthly restaurant dates, sisterhood of the travelling pants-moments :)
Completely agree with this! Celebrate all relationships as much as we're expected to celebrate romantic ones 🥳
Leslie Knope, is that you? ;)
REDISTRIBUTE THE FUSS
Also - celebrating the work/ life milestones of people who are not in relationships!! My growth is still worth celebrating, even though it doesn’t involve intertwining myself with another person…
I've felt so much pain/exclusion/heartbreak because my significant friends did not reciprocate this value. unfortunately they prioritise their significant others and my mum says that is inevitable as we grow up and start families, etc. makes me feel really lonely cuz i've never been in a romantic relationship and idk if i ever will be in one.
Married at 25, divorcing at 26. You can’t marry for potential, which we both did. Also, don’t marry into a family that doesn’t like you. It’s so hard.
Take a peek in your local newspaper, it's a LOT more common than you'd believe. Mine gives names, ages, where each of the divorcees are from, and duration of the marriage.
this is truly why i've been with my partner a decade but won't marry, his mom hates me.
His family does not like me but they tolerate me and so I tolerate them. BUT As long as I don’t have to see them more then 2x a year for very short visits.
Thankfully we’re united in this. He can only tolerate so much too lol.
@@bunnycrofts8127 What? Why do they do that? That's such an invasion of privacy
@@ruwaida6489 i guess since marriages are government business and are public information, so are their dissolutions.
You can also go into the homes section and see who buys a new-to-them house, how much they paid for it, how much it's worth, and who they bought it from. I always side eye at how many say the buyer only paid in love and devotion, lol.
(I worked at a gas station for two years and got the newspaper every day, you start to notice things you wouldnt normally read lol)
Fun fact: The copywriter who came up with the slogan “a diamonds is forever” was a woman who never married!
That is the funnest fact 👌🏽
girlboss
I need the lucille bluth "good for her" gif here plz
@@aisling_90 right?? Her name was Frances Gerety, if you’d like to look her up!
This is awesome! It's like saying, "a man might not be forever, but a diamond literally is!" I salute her!
That story about the woman making a dress, handkerchief, and binding her wedding album, among other things, all with her husband's parachute is a million times cooler than just going to a bridal shop and dropping thousands on a dress you'll wear once.
To be honest the ONLY reason bf and I are getting married is because of VISAs... how's that for yet another contract for you.
Life is just contracts and meals in-between !!! 😂
Okay same tho. Would not be doing it at least anytime soon if not for that!
Same.
@@lyndsaygrace7153 You should want to marry them soon, wrong relationship if not.
Pretty crappy reason.
(21:28) My biggest problem with marriage is that: I.am.a.woman.
~and as a woman i want to avoid suffering for being a woman as much as possible.
@@r2488 lot of women live in sexist country. You're generalising by assuming that marrying the person who treats you the best is going to solve sexism. Even if your partner is the right person for you, sexism and social pressure on married couple, especially on the wife, exceed the couple's control. Not caring about people's opinions is easier said than done when you live in oppressive societies
Funnily enough, I read in a study done in Asia that the more financially stable a woman is, the less she wants to marry. Meanwhile, the more financially stable a man is, the more he wants to marry. And vice versa. Also unmarried childless women are happier (more than married gals or moms 😬) while unmarried childless men are unhappy. Honestly, now that women can make their own living, we are becoming more aware and unhappy with the unfairness in the institution of marriage. We are collectively awakening. I would not be surprised if more and more women choose to not marry. I'm only concerned to see how will our governments and patriarchal society respond once they realise.
@@MesRevesEnRoseyou know ask those unmarried and childless women in their 50s. I know too many females that told me they lost their prime time for career and felt incomplete without family. And I think it is same for men.
I am married to a good man and childless and I can't thank God enough for my life.
What bunch of drivel is this...
I'm a firm believer in tradition. If I ever propose I'm bringing a dowery of goats, cows or chickens depending on the man's pedigree/proven fertility. If he's top shelf should I just bring his weight in Golden Retriever puppies? Hmm, couldn't hurt. 😁
😂😂😂😂
What are you guys going to do with all these animals?
@@kaly_ths_291 I actually do have a farm! I wouldn't propose with poultry, but I could.🐥 I'm glad we're redefining marriage as a partnership and not a commodity exchange.
My uncle died unexpectedly young leaving his pregnant partner in a lot of financial trouble. She had to go through so much legal fuss to get access to his money to raise their child, because he hadn’t made a will, and she wasn’t his wife. I wish the law had been better for her, especially whilst she was grieving
he chose her situation, men need to be held accountable
@@seabreeze4559 that's really not a cool thing to say about my relative. He died aged 45, he didn't choose to go. If they'd lived in Sweden the state would have accepted that they were long term partners who lived together, as there is a legal framework for that. Whereas there isn't in the UK.
Something similar happened to my aunt recently. My uncle died at 60 unexpectedly and they never got married so everything he owned is now in probate, including their house. Their children are 16 and 19 so a very different situation but the law really f*cks over unmarried partners of people who die unexpectedly without a will. I’m sorry for your loss 💖
@@seabreeze4559 maybe she didn't want to get married either? Or maybe he just thought about living, and never considered what happens after his death.
Oh my goodness😔 Everybody make a wiiillll!! I’m 24 and at least filed my medical power of attorney stuff. You just never know!
Re: what you said about Eco friendly weddings - I would love to hear you talk more about how capitalism sells customs as traditions and why that is appealing to us.
+
I would look at Shelbizleee's channel. She had an eco friendly and vegan wedding with her conservative family. It was interesting hearing her trials and tribulations marrying her wife.
I actually read an article about this for one of my college classes, maybe I'll have to make a little video building off of Leena's and tag her 😳
Oooh I'd love to hear Leena talk about that!
That's a very interesting subject. This year I found out that Brazil's version of a lover's day (kinda like a valentine's day, just it's not on that day, and the saint is different) was a successful marketing campaign from very recently created because we didn't have any sort of specific lover's day or holiday to spend money on and that period of the year was a blank in between "capitalist holidays". I was very surprised. One of these supposed "traditions" that Leena was mentioning.
Nearing my mid-30s and still a single-pringle. Also, getting less interested in marriage the older I get.
But, being from an Asian culture, of course my elders have been increasingly getting on my case.
When I asked my mom why she was so insistent I should "settle down", her main reason was so I have someone to "take care of" me when I'm older. While I do appreciate the concern, I'm not sure how marriage would solve that issue when I come from a long line of women who outlive their husbands, in many cases by over a decade.
I imagine by that she means having kids? With the difference that nowadays kids often don't live with their parents in adulthood and often emigrate to other countries for better work prospects so can't count on that... Also I imagine single motherhood is frowned upon?
@@ivylilybasket yeah, the stigma is still prevalent. Also, not sure I even want kids. That's a whole other thing.
If you don't want marriage or biological kids at all of course this doesn't matter, but if they are something you think you will want at some point the longer you wait the more difficult it will be. Women's fertility declines at age 35. Every year after that the chances of getting pregnant go down dramatically. Also many marriage minded/family oriented men in the 35+ age group are either already taken or if they aren't, they will try to date younger. There are many happy single 40+ women, but there are also many who regret not settling down and having kids, so just consider where you would like to be 10, 20 years down the line.
@@janicefinch3563 Nowadays you can have kids without marriage or marriage without kids, there's not just one path to choose, you can also choose neither if you so wish. People shouldn't assume you can only have kids in marriage or you can only marry if you plan to have kids.
@@ivylilybasket Of course you can have kids without getting married. You can also have kids while living in poverty but that doesn't mean it's a good idea. Statistically kids do better in life when they are raised in two parent married households.
It's fine that not everyone wants to have kids or get married, but if you do want kids or to get married, it's smart to plan ahead. This goes for anyone, but especially women since women have a biological clock. There are many women who get to 40/50 and realize they procrastinated on making a decision on kids and marriage and then freak out because it's a lot more difficult at that age.
At least look into freezing your eggs if you're on the fence. That gives you more options.
I have been married for 8 years and my wedding was almost costless. My dress was 14 dollars. We had light snacks and cupcakes for food. We snuck into a fancy garden that people usually pay money to have weddings at and had a friend marry us. It has always baffled me how much people spend on a day that will come and go just as quickly as any other. We have a few nice photos and our marriage, which are the things that last 🤷♀️
sounds like a dream 🤩
Bad ass!
Amazing
As long as it puts a smile on your face when you look back on the day and it's meaningful to you and your spouse then that's all that really matters (: The size of the wedding doesn't signify the quality or length of the marriage thereafter. The size of the ring, how many guests attend and all the sparkly bits off faff won't ensure a long, happy marriage - work and effort to build and maintain communication, trust and being willing to open up and stick together through thick and thin will surely give more to a marriage than the price tag of the wedding day. I feel that these days many people put so much focus on making it a single day celebration rather than focusing on celebrating the everyday the couple will spend and cherish together.
Congratulations on your 8 years and thank you so much for sharing your story, it really inspired me (:
I did something similar to you. My dress was $7.98 USD from The clearance section in Target, and my MIL brought a cake. That was it.
“I wouldn’t even call it eco-conscious at this point, it’s just reality-conscious.” YES
In many rural areas in Asia, weddings are actually communal events where everyone in the village pulls in their weight to help organise the wedding and in turn save costs. It is more of a festival where people share food, chit chat and have a good drunk karaoke -- compare to the dull and exploitative wedding industry in the West.
Thank you for the info! V interesting
This sounds very lovely!
This! I live in Indonesia and while many middle to upper class people have weddings that operate like a western wedding (basically none of this communal stuff because it's paid for by the families, not to mention lavish), the middle to lower classes have their weddings near their house, on the side of the road, and other places that you would barely call a venue but a lot of people seem to have a blast during these weddings.
@@Sofiaode18 Exactly! The hosts are more concerned with feeding the guests and even strangers are welcomed to join. And in some cultures in Asia, the guests would bring gifts of money or home/kitchen appliances to the newlyweds as a symbol for the couple to start a new life together.
It is harder such communal marriages to take place among the more industrialised societies because we associate modern living with capitalism, individualism and being isolated from our immediate environment and communities.
I'm Asian American and this is actually how my wedding was!! It was done at home and modest.
Honestly, as the years go by (I’m 25), I get more and more convinced that getting married is just a hassle. Having a happy relationship with my longtime partner is all that matters. I will probably get married, so that I don’t have to prove I’m the mother of my kids at school or whatever. But I deadass don’t plan on spending mad money on it because I could be using that on a great holiday in Bali!
Samesies
I'm 22 and I already have no idea how I would have coped with being in my 20s if it wasn't for this twenties toolkits series 🙏
hhha aw glad to be of service!
Same!
Im so excited for this video! I'm 23 and we planned our wedding in September.
I broke up with my partner a week ago. I had been questioning my feelings for the past months.
When my wedding dress arrived for example, I tried it on... And I wasn't feeling anything.
Well, I felt uncomfortable.
I mostly knew what my life would look like if we married. And now I finally realized that that is not what I want it to be.
I'm sad, I'm afraid... but I also feel glad because I think I finally stood up for myself and did the right thing.
Good for you
You did good, the most important relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves. Good on you for not compromising that!
I did the same thing at 19 and leaving was the best decision I ever made. Absolutely terrifying, but absolutely worth it. You have so much courage to have followed your gut. I wish you much joy and peace!
Same! I’m 22 and broke up with my fiance in April, we were supposed to get married in June. Best decision of my life hahaha
You did the right thing. Currently seeing snap memories - It would have been my 4 year anniversary today with my ex. I am SO glad we didn’t stay together. It was hard for a bit, but in the end I felt happier, lighter, freer. I’m also glad because being single for a while allowed me to work on myself and become open to accepting the love I really deserve. Found a guy that treats me like a princess, and I can’t believe I wasted years with someone who made me feel bad about myself.
I watched this and realised that leena is legitimately the life mentor I always wanted. I just want to drink a tea with her and feel valid
In Canada, the disability thing is even worse. By default, if a disabled person on benefits lives with an income earning partner for even ONE YEAR they lose federal benefits. They lose their provincial benefits (the majority of what you receive) after three years living together. But disability benefits don’t pay you enough to live without a roommate of partner 🤔
thats fucked
Same in England, soon as your partner moves in, regardless of disability etc, their income will be taken off your benefits by at least 66% on universal credit.
Yup, I'm disabled in the UK and that's the reason why I can't marry my partner. It's like they want to punish us for being disabled, how dare we ever find love!
Same in the Netherlands
Yep, it's horrible. And same-sex couples can actually get away with it better, because if you're a lesbian couple, for example, living together, you can just tell them you're roommates and keep getting your money, despite actually being in a relationship. But if I had a male roommate, that WAS JUST a roommate, not a lover, they would automatically believe he's my lover and start taking my money away because they assume a man and woman living together are romantically involved. This is why I still live at home.
I've let my partner know that I want him to have my mug collection when I die.
It's the ultimate romantic commitment
😭💕
I read "lung" collection and was confused
I was 20 when I got married, I have intense social anxiety and my husband has intense generalized anxiety, and since we knew we wanted to be with each other for the foreseeable future, we just felt more… secure? getting married. Like we were both just a lot more comfortable with the traditional social contract of the married couple than that of the boyfriend and girlfriend, does that make sense? I don’t know if that’s a great reason to get married, but 🤷♀️ it’s work so far, it’ll be ten years in August. We did do the whole “if it doesn’t work we can just get divorced!” thing, but I think deep down we knew it was more complicated than that, and we just wanted to get married.
We had a pretty frugal backyard wedding, less than $3k including the dress and rings, and it was still fun and felt like… idk, what you think a wedding should feel like. In the meantime I’ve seen my peers have big fancy weddings and been jealous, but I think of the big old lack-of-debt I have and I’m okay with it.
I wouldn’t say doing things the way we did it is the better way, but getting married this young was a weird thing for us to do, it’s just what felt right for us. I think it’s important that whatever you do you aren’t doing it because it’s what you think you’re supposed to do.
This is so oddly relatable. we are getting married next month and quickly and I think this is maybe part of it
Yeah I feel this. Getting married at 24 this year. Definitely understand other people thinking it’s crazy, but for us it’s just not. We’re not a perfect couple but we just get along
I appreciate the line about chance as I have not "ended up" with anyone so far as a 22 almost 23 year old man myself, I honestly think it's wild that people can meet randomly and just both be into each other for one thing and then also be suitable for each others lives. Mental.
I am also 22 and i relate so hard to this one. It blows my mind that finding someone to be in a relationship with is seen as such a normal, step-of-life thing. I mean it is hard enough to find real friends (meaning a person where you mutually like each others personality & have enough to talk about to meet every coupe of months) let alone someone to be in a committed relationship with. It seems crazy unlikely that you can find one person who a) finds you physically attractive b) likes your personality c) matches you in your general values & life plans d) you feel the same about that exact person. I feel like we should value these relationships a little less/not see them as so much more important than friendships because it is likely to find a romantic partner than a friend. Also, a bit unrelated but i always find it weird when people congratulate someone on having a boyfriend. How are we putting sth that is largely up to chance on the same level of achievement as reaching a career goals etc. ?
@@steffikreis2030 yeah totally agree on that last part like career progression is so much more impressive. Like trying hard at anything? Yes, well done. Meeting a random person? Congrats on the confidence of initially being like hey you're cute let's meet another time in the near future but otherwise like eh, it's not exactly like multiple hours of pushing through hard work.
Same. 22 almost 23 and never even been in a relationship. Just waiting for that "chance" lol
It makes me feel so relieved that theres more people like that. I just turned 23 last week and even though id rather be single than force myself to date out of desperation, im still kind of.. sad? Lonely? Ive never dated anyone, so while my friends are all having somewhat developed in emotional sense, im just not sure how i would react if somebody i liked has liked me back. Its just... How does that happen. Its such an offchance that you will not only meet somebody you like, but that they will like you back, and you'll end up getting married. Ive met people that were into me but i literally hated every single one of them (theyre usually some sexist uncultured nasty men that think women shouldnt have ANY expectations...) And it just blows my mind how people think finding somebody is an achievement and not just plain simple luck. I can't just work hard and find somebody worth my attention and force the feelings out...
I got married in early 20's. Red flags showed up (they had addictions and severe mental health issues and just refused help for them) before we married but I stupidly had the mind set of "things will get better when...". Both our parents had been married 30+ years, I turned to them for advice, "marriage is hard, you HAVE to work through it", so I did, for 10 years and we had a child. One day was just breaking point and we split, it was really messy and rough and it was so bad they still have to use a mediator many years on. I thoroughly believe had we just seperated when things turned sour, we'd still be amicable. If it feels wrong, don't do it, just don't. Marriage is not meant to be hard, it's a really toxic mindset to have.
Never been married, don’t plan to either, but I agree with you. When it comes to relationships, I think it’s meant to be “work” rather than “hard,” which are two different things but a lot of people conflate them.
I was engaged to a man at 21, turns out I'm a lesbian so pretty glad that one didn't work out!
I still honestly have no idea if I want to get married now (at 33), how I feel about it, I think it's one of those things I'm just going to figure out if I meet someone. This was a really informative video though and I wish I'd had it in my 20s!
Also turning 33 this year and single as it gets😅And thoughts of marriage still don't appeal to me in any way(they never did but this lovely upload has made it even less appealing for me).You never know though, guess things can change and I feel exactly the same as you in wishing I had seen this in my twenties!!👌🏽
You're making me reconsider my WHOLE LIFE LEEEEENA. Excellent video as always xx
Haha you better still marry that VERY NICE AMERICAN BOY! xxx
We decided to start trying for a baby at 25, had our son at 26 and got married when we were 28. Our son was 2 at the time and looked so cute at our little courthouse wedding. He’s 5 now! Time flies 😅 and yea, I know nobody asked ✨
it was great reading it though
As someone who has not been lucky enough to find a partner, the idea that getting married or having a wedding is a huge achievement really baffles me. Like, I failed?? Also, when family say they are proud of their daughters on their wedding days. Yes, they can be proud of them in general, but not specifically for getting married surely? (Loved the video, and the scenery around Kenilworth!)
People keep congratulating me on getting married, and I was just reflecting that saying yes to a proposal from this very nice man who I met through sheer dumb luck feels a heck of a lot less worthy of congratulations than, say, my master's degree, or completing a draft of a novel. It's so weird. You didn't fail. The whole thing is just bizarre.
@@ValerieSanFilippo Idk I find saying congratulations for a wedding, your wedding and what you wanted to do (hopefully). This day is for you and your SO so hopefully happy event. Also Ik in some cultures it's a very big event or cultural significance.
@@ValerieSanFilippo I think it's bizarre to interpret it in such a way, do you also feel the same when someone says congratulations on your birthday?
@@renenetatm8222 Exactly! People are just happy for you!
@Day yep. Congratulations, you survived another year!
I got married when I was 32, I'm glad I didn't get married in my 20s! I was a mess back then. I think one of the biggest tests of our relationship was traveling together.
I loved your point about making a fuss about other milestones. I recently had some pretty exciting career accomplishments that I worked toward my entire life and am extremely proud of, but no one would ever throw me a party or even send me a card for something like that. I had a moment of disappointment where I realized that as a woman, literally nothing I can do in life will be as exciting to others as if I were to get married or have a baby.
I would still like to be married if I met the right person, but I would want it to be a very personal and private experience for just me and my partner. I love the idea of getting married in a courthouse or out in the woods, just us, and then going on a really nice, long trip. All of that is a thousand times more romantic to me than a traditional wedding.
This!! Everything about this!!!!
Married for 20 years this year. He is my best friend and the father of two of my children (two from a previous 5 year marriage, the practice one). I do relate to the housework, however, he cooks for me every night and would give me the moon if he could. It's not all bad news kids!
Me and my partner have been together for 6 years already and are getting married in a few months. Having had an unsettled upbringing, stability has always been important to me, so jumping into marriage or living together wasn't a quick thing. I think the main thing to ask yourself is 'Would this person already fulfil the vows you are promising to you & do I hand on heart do the same for them?' Think about how you've supported each other leading up to the point of which you are considering marriage.
Promising you'll be supportive, patient and loving in front of your family and friends would seem very hollow if you knew you had had problems leading up to it that hadn't been reconciled.
We didn't take marriage lightly, we didn't jump in straight away. Given the fragility of relationships and how the media perceives marriage as something trivial ( I'm looking at you married at first sight!) it's something only you can know is right for you.
My partner and I made sure our vows and ceremony wasn’t about big promises. Promises don’t last. Even in marriage. It is two people choosing to choose each other legally every day and neither person is going to be perfect EVER. It’s about honest and open communication. It’s about choosing each other and setting boundaries. It takes time to learn to care for one another and better yourselves. It’s continuing to grow individually and together each day. It takes effort but ultimately when you love someone and they love you it is beautiful. Every relationship takes work and effort to sustain (even friendships). I just tel people that before they get married make sure they really truly know each other and know that marriage isn’t just a walk in the park. People grow and change yet also can stay stuck in habits. If your partner and you are humble and seek to be the best you you can be it will be full of love and joy!
My partner and I realized recently that we want to get married pretty soon. We always knew we wanted to eventually but as we got together when we were 19 and 21, we wanted to wait a proper while. However, after almost 6 years and surviving a few lockdowns in a tiny studio together without wanting to killing each other, we realized we're ready xD. Being stuck together in 1 room for months did bring out some things we had to work on, but I'm actually very happy that happened now and not after we had gotten married
I got married at 26 in a religious ceremony. Did the official "paper" marriage when I was 28 to make administrative things easier for our daughter who I was pregnant with. She came prematurely the next day 😅
Are you Christian? What country/state are you in? I'm in NYC and ever since I got engaged I have been searching for a Catholic priest who will just go through the sacramental rites for my marriage ceremony without needing proof of a marriage license, but so far no luck. It's getting very frustrating and I guess if I can't find anyone who can do this for me I'll just have to bite the bullet and apply for a license, but I really am not interested in legally getting married.
@@MB-yl9hm No, I am Muslim. Sorry I hope you find a priest soon!
@@gabriellam2299 omg, same, i just want a kateb lktab. But u bring up a good point with the legal aspect
Oh, this video is such a blessing! As someone who very recently got engaged I was bombarded almost immediately with questions about a WEDDING. I was never someone who dreamed of their wedding or pictured myself in a big white gown but definitely imaged a life in a MARRIAGE. It was only after talking to a friend's mother about her slap-dash court house marriage with no guests that I felt like I could finally take a breath and realize I'm not crazy for being totally put-off by having a massive wedding ceremony, or a wedding at all. Thanks as always for your wisdom!
This is so important!! I've never dreamt of weddings either. But I worry if I don't my mum will be sad, so I've been saying I don't want a wedding every time we watch say yes.
I might want to get married, but even that I'm a bit eh. I love my partner and want to spend my life with him, but I'm not sure if I want to get married or just want to be possessive 😂😂
I think its much more common than we tend to think to not have a wedding and just elope/go to the courthouse with a few family members and friends (and maybe have a nice meal afterwards). Because that's not what is shown in movies and TV because it is considered not romantic, but I think the most romantic way to get married is, is the way you and your partner feel most comfortable with!
Modest wedding is always a good choice. If you don't have money, don't get in debt for a wedding. If you have money, save it for a house, car, future kids' college fund, anything that will reduce financial stress in the marriage!
I got married at 23, wouldn’t change a thing but I agree with everything you said.
Same, I Married at 26 and have 0 regrets, but she is raising very excellent points that people should really think about.
Same!
Getting married in three weeks, at 33, after my first marriage at 24 failed miserably. I'm very optimistic. ;) Tipp: figure out the relationship *before* you get married! The evenings discussing and even arguing with my fiancé are countless, but we are mostly on the same page now (household...) *and* have tools to figure out the rest after the wedding. Nothing of that happened in my twenties, I just did not have the tools back then. Another tip: have plans for after the wedding for your relationship together and the direction you want your life (together, but also individually). Helps against feeling stuck. ;)
The opening was ICONIC!
Lots of interesting thoughts, but my jaw dropped to the floor when you mentioned the average cost of a wedding! For some reason I had it around 10K in my head.
I’m really happy for my friends getting married in their twenties and happy they (or their parents) have the money to have a big wedding. But for me those 53 holidays really put it in perspective for how I’d rather spend the money!
The 53 holidays part really got me!! I’d rather have that
Watched this while packing up a wedding dress I'm sending back because it didn't fit nicely... what kind of omen is this???
Very interesting to dissect all this MAD STUFF! Am obsessed with the twenties toolkit videos!
hahah aw spooky timing! I hope you find one perfect for you and glad you still liked the vid :b xxx
Redistribute the FUSS!!!
I swear my phone is spying on me. My husband and I were talking about relationships today and how we didn’t learn about marriage growing up it was just acted like it was something everyone should do. Now, we’re married and everyone has an idea on what we should be doing and we kindly say, “keep it to yourself unless you actually want a back and forth conversation.”
We got married during COVID so we had a backyard wedding which half of everyone didn’t want, but that’s not their choice. We set pretty good boundaries with everyone early and often.
As far as we go, I feel like what we do fits for us and I don’t like talking about it with family because those little pieces of advice they give us, we’re not doing it at all. We believe all money is “our” money and we paid off each of our debts that way. I think that working together in that way has made us reach the goals we set quickly which is powerful.
I’m recently engaged to my partner of 14 years. It seemed as if being unmarried had become a defining feature of our relationship. As if new acquaintances expected me to present an anti-marriage thesis, when really it was just not a priority for a long time.
Thank you for an eloquent and humorous video!
My bf of 14y proposed last month too! Kinda worried about the expenses of the wedding...
Congratulations!
Adored this. I'm 27 and have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, we don't want to get married (and never have). Interestingly, I was raised by my unmarried Mum and her partner of 26 years - who are still sickeningly in love lol. Whilst my boyfriend's parents - who are married - have a very different relationship. It seems the environments we observed whilst growing up have shaped our views on the necessity of marriage.
That intro was already spot-on but the sheer CBBC energy of "...fancy another episode of the twenties toolkit? yeah? yeah." I was not READY
There was a petition going around in France to separate the disabled allocation from the spouse's salary. It didn't work unfortunately :/
Also, there's other ways to "get married" than a religious wedding : in France there's the "PACS", and in Belgium (where I'm from) there's "legal cohabitation" (you live together, you have the same rights and obligations as married couples but you're not married, there's not ceremony).
Me being 19 and has never had a significant other: *Hmmn interesting , I shall now take notes*
"not marrying makes me really rad" this called me out so hard... this was how i used to think!!! then one day, i was like... fuck it, lets get hitched
cute :)
CW: sexism, people being bigots in general, mention of causes of suicide
I've noticed that marriages in Japan are very different from what I am used to growing up in Europe, a lot more contractual (my mum's side is Japanese). Of course, arranged marriages are still quite common, but even between "love matches" I can see the differences. The differing expectations definitely caused tension between my parents, and I find it hard to relate to my Japanese (usually female) friends who talk of looking forward to "finding a rich man so they can stop working" (no judgement to SAHMs, just gold diggers) or who "understand that men have physical urges and that them cheating is inevitable/excusable" (when it is heavily frowned upon for women- ENM is valid, just... not without consent/equality!).
The not working thing especially gets to me because it's born of hating the often sexist working environment and stress/pressure of Japanese society, but they expect that they will be able to push that stress and responsibility entirely on their husbands, who get no choice in the matter (often increasing the rates of businessmen who commit suicide). Dating apps have men's career sector, highest education and salary listed, but don't have face pics (having dating apps is frowned upon by some companies) which feels totally alien to me, but is key for these women to find a "good" match (whereas they do well if they sound polite and look pretty in their pictures -.-)
I could go on... the expectations around sex being a "duty" of a woman to please her man and to bear children (blergh); how once they've had those children a woman is excused from ever being intimate with her husband again (because she's a "mom" now?); how some wives will only call their husbands by their surname/using honorifics and use respectful language, whilst the men don't; the cooking classes to "increase your wife skills"... it all baffles me to no end (let's just say Japan has a pretty big sexism problem).
And that's not even counting the prejudice and hate against same-sex couples, mental health, disabilities, the choice to not have children, interracial couples (unless they make the babies more white, in which case they are beautiful and can do no wrong - until they have to represent the country, in which case they are "not Japanese enough")
These are just some examples of why I don't think I could live, work or date in Japan... (this is obviously a personal opinion from what I have seen of relatively rural Japan, I'm sure it's not like that everywhere and it's definitely getting better)
Set to marry my Japanese boyfriend living in rural Japan soon. I definitely get this. My boyfriend’s family is thankfully very nice and kind but we still get a lot of wedding pressure that’s turning into baby pressure. And because my boyfriend has a lower income job and what’s considered a “dirty job” people told me to reconsider and that marriage isn’t just love. I understand but it’s crazy they think I decided this so lightly lol.
A lot of these are great points about how outdated and complicated the legal aspect of marriage is. It would be interesting to hear what everyone wants from a marriage, legally, if we are given the chance to change these legalities (especially the weird ones) to serve us instead of the government/capitalism. I love this twenties series! 😊
I'm getting married in a week, so this is very timely. The main reason my partner and I want to get married is because we want to care for each other in the the event of emergencies, especially medical ones. Also, we're moving abroad, so being a connected legal entity helps with the peace of mind in the visa process. But otherwise, we've talked often about the pros and cons. Recently I realized that when anyone other than my partner refers to me as "wife" I get angry and anxious-- but when my partner calls me his wife, I get really happy. I think that's a good sign that we're marrying for ourselves. Still, it's odd. I only discovered my pansexuality after I started dating him, and we're monogamous, so I've had the added experience of mourning the potential for a queer relationship in my life. The erasure is real. It's weird to feel so wary of potential troubles, sad for the end of certain possibilities, and yet excited at the thought of our lives together. People keep saying "you must be so excited" and I have to wonder, did they never feel this way? I don't think my feelings are abnormal. But then again, everyone around me is very traditional by comparison, so perhaps they weren't as inclined to question this potential course of life.
I hope everything went well for u :)
Getting married ensured my husband and I were less likely to be separated for several reasons, because we are born in different countries.
I do also love him, but being together was what pushed us to sign papers.
This. Never thought I would get married at 24 but I would like to legally live with the love of my life in the next two years so… marriage it is. Honestly super excited though so I’m okay with feeling a little rushed.
I’m LIVING for this series (and that lovely peach-colored hat)! As someone who’s 21 and needs more valid sources than my parents’ crusty opinions you’ve been a game changer is how I perceive a lot of things in my life that I’d once considered unshakable “truths.”
I appreciate that you include your own experience of class differences and marriage expectations. Im from a working class background too, and a lot of my friends from home got married young, had children, and so on when many upper class folks would still be in uni.
I'd say mine was partly living in a working class (more complicated words needed but) city and partly coming from a Christian background for me - when people think marriage is for your thirties I just immediately assume they are upper middle class or brought up atheist, or both.
My dad told us that growing up in the 60s, weddings had wedding breakfasts, where the couple married, everyone had breakfast/tea and were back to the usual grind by noon. Now, weddings can take 3 days in the same area, how times have changed 😅
We love a Bo Burnham reference 🤣 Also I loved the editing on this one 😊
Thanks Leena! As someone who has just now in the recent years started to think about what I actually want and don't want from my life, you have made that journey much more easier for me. It's not always easy to actively choose the non-conventional road in life - like not having children and not marrying - but you give me that confidence to say "yeah, I don't want to have children nor get married, so what?". Plus a few arguments to back up my decision just in case.😄
Also I've waited so long for this video! Thanks for making it!
I got married when I was 21 (5 years ago!) and I did the typical English wedding. Converted barn, white dress, buffet. But I did it off season and last minute, made stuff myself/got family and friends to help where I could so it cost less than 5k! I think 30k on a wedding is utterly ridiculous for one day 👀 I got married because I met someone and immediately was like, yes, I need to marry this man right now (luckily he felt the same lol) and it's worked out for us but I do wonder if my career would be going better if I didn't decide to move to his hometown rather than mine as there's not many jobs here
It never occurred to me that marriage could strip rights as well as give them. I live in the USA so for marriage is an important way to make sure my partner and I both get health insurance (as long as one of us is employed and getting health care from our employer).
I want to learn more about individual rights and the "government contract" aspect of marriage, specifically in the USA. Does anybody have book/video recommendations on the topic?
Also just want to say that the cut scenes in this video were awesome and the editing was lovely. High five to Craig if that was his work!
hahah yes, art direction was me but filming and editing was all our Craig!
This is so fantastic- coming from an engaged 27 yr old, with some v conflicting views on the concept of marriage! Trying to unpack expectations and scrutinise if we're doing them for the right reasons is a constant cycle in our wedding planning and one that normally leads to baffled looks from relatives. This video was a brilliant summary of my inner monologue these past few months!
When you mentioned hen do’s I got sad that the husbands equivalent isn’t called rooster do’s
In French, one of the names is really sad- "enterrement de vie de jeune fille/garçon" or "young person's life funeral"!
@@delphinedelphinedelphine oh no that’s awful D: and I thought referring to the wife as ‘the ball and chain’ was bad
They should be called Cock-a-doodle-do's
Leena holding those flowers like she may whoop someone with them 😶
Bout to whoop you.. with information!
As an 18year old girl I can not thank you enough for this twenties series.
Just got broken up with / relationship forcibly been put on a break by the guy I thought I would spend my life with so this is just the video to watch to feel less dead inside.......
i was there a few months ago, sending love your way 💗💗💗
Exactly in the same boat right now Lara! Hope you‘re taking care of yourself, god knows I‘m struggling…
Sorry to hear that, sending you love!
Honestly, I love the idea of having a wedding but not being married. Parties, where I'm the centre of attention, are fun! I'd just love to hear them announce "I pronounce you... still partners".
This is SO refreshing. My friend is having a veeery fancy wedding in a couple of weeks and I've been feeling a little intimidated by the whole affair. Thank you for your glorious perspective.
jesus christ i'm glad that my divorce in the US was just going to the courthouse to fill out a form and then going back a month later to be like yep, still want it, and sign the form again. i think it cost $200. either way don't get married when you're 22.
Yup, there's a reason the average age of first marriages in Ireland is in the mid-30s.
leena yet again you are out here producing the content that everyone truly needs, thank you for all the work you put in on these
I was absolutely howling at that intro! Great video, so much food for thought!
absolutely in LOVE with the final shot !!!!
Lucy Knisley made a great graphic memoir called "something blue" (I think) about her wedding and everything leading up to it and struggling with the heteronormativity and history of oppression in marriage, while still choosing it for herself. Really great book.
This video articulated so well the doubts / hesitations I’ve had about marriage… and was just the perspective and reminder I needed, as a twenty something watching lots of friends getting married… also setting and costume on point, Leena!
i'm always blown away by the quality of your videos!!!! thank you for all the time and research you put into these videos!
I would just like to commend how amazing Leena's videos are, every detail put into every aspect if it is just so amazing
Well, 100% true, ain't it.
honestly, that last point hits hard, not only when it comes to marriage but just relationships. I'm not one to get into those, and am happy being single but that thought of needing help is sometimes scary; not only in the old age, but the older we get the more the family units take over friends. I don't want to be a ~burden~ for my people but I also don't want to get into relationship out of fear and the need for a roommate. More socialism in this world, please :D
absolutely - we've got to aim for the stars here!
You said it perfectly!
Me: 16 years old
Also me: religiously going to watch video
Love u Leena 🥀🧡🌙
You’re getting a head start! Perhaps you’ll go into your 20s with more savvy than most of us did, thanks to this great series.
@@myconfusedmerriment true true
can only imagine how much prep this took. amazing video as usual. thanks, Leena!
First of all, the editing in this video was top notch!!! Second of all, love the conversation starters posed by this video, and I have to applaud to the amount of running done in that dress.
I've been with my partner for around 15 years (really can't remember when we started going out). I don't want to get married, I also don't want to waste all that money on a wedding, which is really for everyone else rather than you.
In Australia there's no difference tax wise etc if we're married or not...
As a UK tax accountant this made me smile 😃 getting married can sometimes be genuine advice given out to clients 😅 ...marriage allowance, no gain no loss transfers, transferable nil rate band for IHT....
I'm from the UK and dating a German. We've been dating for two years but we're not ready to live together yet as we're not financially stable enough and he has commitments with his work contract for two more years. What sucks is that getting him here without getting married for VISA purposes is difficult. Brexshit has kind of ruined that. We love each other and we want forever together but marriage is a huge step and we're only 25 and 22. We've discussed it and one idea is that we'll get married for the visa, but we'll renew our vows when we're ready in 5 years or so and have a proper wedding then when we are both more financially stable and ready for it.
Can I just say that I 100% appreciate that you put your sources in the description. lots of youtubers i watch rarely put their sources or just put it in the video which makes it hard to search for later.
Yes! This video put a lot of thoughts I’ve had about marriage into words (along with other info I wasn’t aware of). Also I loved the intro and transitions, they made me giggle.
You ran some distance in that final shot Lena - commitment to art! Thought provoking video. I’m getting married in December and have a lot of complex feelings about it that are hard to reconcile - it’s not easy being a modern woman!
Looking forward to watching this one. It was my 1 year marriage anniversary yesterday and I'm 24. My husband and I thought so much and talked so much about the wedding topic, the marriage topic and the divorce topic beforehand, and I can quite proudly say I'm happy where I sit on marriage.
stunning video!! i'm (almost) 20 and have never been in a serious relationship, didn't know i needed to see a video about marriage, but was v enlightening
I’ve been waiting for this one! TURN IT UP!
Loving the mother-of-the-bride burgundy-peach outfit vibe!
as a nearly 23 year old engaged person this was so interesting to watch! My fiancé and I have been together for nearly 10 years
and you have a new subscriber! as a sixteen year old about to apply for college, i’ve got so many big life decisions ahead of me. this video was wonderfully done and i look forward to watching many more!
This must be one of your best videos! (And i watched almost all of them in chronological order in the last weeks)
This video is sooo good! And when I read "misogyny is over", I knew it wasn't real but just seeing those words felt good. For a tiny moment hehe
I kinda feel the same but with kids. Like every birthday, every Christmas, every Easter I have to give gifts, cards. Do I get anything I return...nope.
And it continues for like years and years.. but because I'm childless and wish to remain so, I never see anything back.
Now if I knew the kids in question loved my gift, and it made a difference to them I wouldn't mind. But it's not like that, it's just stuff... they don't really know me, I don't really know them.
But yet I have to shell out everytime someone I know decides to have a child.
So if there were celebrations for friendships, for traditions and family times that we can just celebrate one another, so for once I can feel the love and attention I give others...would be nice... ya know?
Totally agree with this. I have two kids and my sister who has chosen not to have kids ALWAYS buys gifts for mine and all the other niece's and nephews we have. But as we don't buy for the grown ups she never gets anything in return. So a fee years ago, I started making sure I bought her a gift for every occasion. She doesn't expect it at all, but i think she appreciates it.
Such an educational video! The landscape pieces were very cool too. I was so much into marriage when I was in my early twenties and now that I'm getting close to my thirties... I'm not that sure anymore.
You drop sensible ideas that are radical in the context of most people's choices, and yet the videos are always chilled and friendly 🌸 Great work! I'm going to try for an eco handfasting, probably without a legal marriage, at least for now!
Leena as a runnaway bride is not something I thought I needed!!
Because of the pandemic, we've been married for a year now before we get to have our wedding. It has changed the focus of the wedding for me to be about seeing our families again instead of the whole "this day needs to be perfect". I also want all of them to know how cute my husband is ❤
this was such a brilliant video and truly flipped my world view thank you so much for making it
Im late but I really feel that Leena was put on this earth to help us silly 20 somethings that have no clue what we're doing and have been sold too much toxic positivity.. shes such a breath of fresh air and has genuinely changed the direction of my life
I literally had to take like 2 minutes to process when you said the average wedding cost is 30000 pounds WHAT? I can't even imagine having fun at an event that cost me that much money... there would be so much pressure to enjoy yourself when you've invested 30000£😄😄
I think Indian weddings cost like $225-285k in the big cities in the US. It’s like a week long extravaganza. 😅
@@emmagracie9272 wow crazy!!
I'd love to see you talk more about other milestones we should celebrate more!
That intro was EVERYTHING 🙌 (also enjoying the aggressive bouquet-gesturing)
spread the fuss around 👏life is not a checklist of house,marriage and children! amazing video Lenna🤗