Give Too Much In Relationships? WATCH THIS
Вставка
- Опубліковано 29 сер 2024
- ►► Heal Your Heart and Move On Strong From Your Breakup
Unlock My FREE Training at . . .
→ www.MoveOnStron...
▼
Don’t Miss Out! Subscribe to my UA-cam channel now.
I post new love life advice for you every weekend.
►► FREE download: “9 Texts No Man Can Resist” → www.9texts.com
►► FREE download: “5 Compliments to Get Him Addicted to You” → www.SayThisToHi...
▼ Get My Latest Dating Tips and Connect With Me… ▼
Blog → www.howtogetth...
Facebook → / coachmatthewhussey
Instagram → / thematthewhussey
Twitter → / matthewhussey
When someone treats you like they don't care, believe them.
Indeed
Makes me think of this: 'Someone who truly loves you would never put themself in the position of losing you.' 💔
@ellittscott
Elliotscott
The problem I have with giving less is that I feel resentful that I now need to back track. Like I'm upset that they've put me in a position to now go in reverse. The relationship should be progressing not going backwards. So now I feel like something was taken away and get upset that I now have to restrain myself. At that point I feel like we're not on the same page and it's time to move on.
Just like how they say - don't keep repeating a mistake just because you put in too much time making that mistake in the first place.
Those who are meant to stay will come back for you.
And this is a very difficult process but it does filter out the people who don't care about you :)
@@upasanamajumdar315 exactly, and then if it feels like that turns into a back and forth, or keeps happening - for sure notice and then as I would tell myself, not to keep digging a hole just because I am already deep in it 😂
And yes I have now started to loathe even the idea of having to pull back- so it’s more of a natural mindset to me now that this isn’t really a strategy, I am genuinely pulling back because I am not interested in NEEDING to engage in these dynamics. And I’m just like, no. If from there someone quite literally went out of their way to resolve something or discuss and made clear what would be changing moving forward (in a romantic dynamic anyway..) - from there I would be open to discussing that.
But no I’ve learned the hard way, I am not even interested once any back and forth starts, or if I have to say something. It is like a new brain signal for me and I’ve switched it from frustration at backtracking to more of a nope.
Which seems extreme but anything I have to do some power struggle with or where there’s not a natural flow or it can’t be fairly easily talked about and remedied or feels fun/joyful/freeing, on both sides.. I’ve just seen how long these kind of things can go on and it’s so not worth the energy to even navigate.
@@Kinteresting Couldn't have said it better!
Once I started pulling back, ot felt liberating and the time and energy I saved helped me grow my hobbies. Once I tasted how sweet meaningful growth felt - there was no going back for me :)
It's so so hard to draw boundaries with the people we have a soft corner for - but I feel it really helps in personal growth
Fuck that guy. You don't ever need to filter yourself so much that you are walking on eggshells. Question every action and wondering if they see your efforts to restrain the way you love. That's not how love should be. Why would you bend so much and make yourself so small to keep someone who is not adding any REAL value to your life. I just went through this, I was in a relationship for 3 years and I gave less and less to match him to the point where there was no relationship and I was in so much pain. NEVER AGAIN.
Kristina Puisi, you’re completely right. Like Frida Kali said: “ If I have to ask for something, I already don’t want it.” In relationships love should flow easy and freely. Resentments create doubt and distrust when it comes to being in the same page in giving and receiving love. Equilibrium required… otherwise move on. Blessings
I didn't even say anything, I just started giving less...I'm not afraid to lose someone who doesn't want me back. Will they notice? Time will tell. But not TOO much time. ⏳️
Did they notice?
Relateable.
Yeah girl ❤❤❤❤❤
How to do it
Mine noticed, now giving more but its too late 😔
He’s so right. While you’re sitting there feeling guilty, wondering how you could change and what you could change in order to improve the relationship……they aren’t even thinking about you or the relationship at all.
We expect more from the person and we treat them how we want them to treat us.
If someone isn't meeting your needs, move on and keep looking. Don't settle. There will be someone that will cherish you the way you crave. I don't think you should stop being giving like Matthew is offering, it's not a solution.
Exactly what I did , moved on. No time to waste with resentment, once the trust is broken nothing can heal it, it’s not healthy. Found the right person!!!
@@carmenkamberos1156 I'm sooo happy you found the right person, brings me hope :)
Oh my god man I agree with you and it felt so weird watching it, but then in the end he said that the whole time he didn’t even talk about romantic relationships 😂
This goes for platonic and romantic relationships.
I have a friend who I have always gone out of my way for, and its gotten to the point where she expects me to. She lives less than 20mins away from me, and yet, that's to far for her to drive to my house, and she has to have a reason to come over. I'm not reason enough for her to come and see me. I go out of my way ALL THE TIME to drive and go see her. She's doesn't do the same in return. Ever. So, I stopped giving so much, and she try's to make me feel guilty for not coming to see her. If she wants to see me so bad, she can go out of her way. But I know she won't. She hasn't yet. So to me, she doesn't care about our friendship.
actions ALWAYS speak louder than words
I had similar experiences and what makes me really angry is the entitlement in that behavior. But also I know it doesn't have anything to do with me but with their own issues and the anger makes it way easier to pull away. I hope, you can use that anger, too and focus your energy on people who love you and on yourself. 💚
Friendships like that I’m sorry to say are always going to be one sided. I’ve had a friend who would nitpick everything I did - the way I text, had a different schedule or system than her, to holding grudges for speaking the truth - the list went on until the friendship ran it’s course. If this friend doesn’t contribute to this relationship and makes excuses or just doesn’t want to see you, stop giving her the benefit of the doubt and stop seeing her. Like Matthew said in the video - stop giving back and see what happens. You’ve got other things to do as well love. Never give more of who you are to people who don’t understand. This new change would be an eye opener to her. Sooner or later you’ll see who your true friends are.
I said no to a friend I had known for a long time and she ghosted me.
'You are what you do not what you say you'll do' Carl Jung
One of the hardest questions I asked myself recently was: "What am I doing in the relationship where a person opens a message from me after more than 48 hours since they got it?" (and the person is more or less all right, not ill or in some serious circumstances). And I left. I love this person to the moon and back, and I'm grieving now. But I know that this was not equal. For me this relationship was dear enough to open messages immediately or during several hours if I was busy with something. Not 48 hours and more.
The most painful thing to realize was that during those 48 hours+ the person chose tens or hundreds other things but not communication with me. And for me it was not like this, I used to choose to participate in the comunication with the person immediately or very soon. Realizing this, I left. Very hard lesson, earned with the price of the relationship with the person very dear to me.
Very hard lesson of self-respect.
Thank you, Matt! You described the process very accurately and I felt stronger.
Wow i literally had the same experience these past days and as much as it hurts to know the truth .. it’s also a great lesson especially when you give second chances .. because i did , he changed drastically for few weeks by being the giver and the perfect partner but ! Overnight the same old pattern came back, unfortunately i realised he can be good if he wants to .. he just doesn’t.
i did send a text holding him accountable and of course no answer yet . I just know it will be a lame excuse just to keep me as an option in his life .
No thank you .. i prefer to leave with dignity.
I got to figure out that when someone plays that hard to get, whether unintentionally or not, it only means one thing. They're not that into you. The consequence of that is suffering non-stop because the other person doesn't miss you as much.
Thank u for sharing ur experience 😍😍😍😍
I’ve been there. 10:00-11:20; less in the relationship. Carrying, planning, funding, and organizing the whole relationship is draining
I'm going to listen to this multiple times over as a form of hypno-therapy because it is exactly what I'm going through. I'm grieving and resenting for giving too much and barely even getting a response. Going on almost 3 months now. The obsession is consuming. Thank you so much.
amen sister i legit feel the same. They come up with lame excuses for not giving as much as i am and it just makes me resentful
@@nikolaus9487 well... same for me. Found out he was emotionally gone for a bit before I found him betraying me.... beware .. trust your gut. I hope your situation turns out better than mine.
Try 6 years!!!!🙄😪
A root of this is “covert contracts” the belief that people should just know what you need if you give to them. This can be instilled in childhood family patterns, etc. The cure is to learn to give to yourself. And also to accept and articulate your own needs.
Practice, practice, practice kindness to yourself. ❤️
Oh come on, stop pathologising everything… 🙄
This spoke to me personally b/c I tend to over give in all my relationships. Unanswered texts, invites for dinner get ignored, people cancelling on me last minute has been a constant in my life. I was SO angry and resentful. I started to give more thinking they would finally appreciate me. Of course it was never reciprocated. Then I would hurt more. I end up just feeling hurt worst! Finally after watching this, I’m giving less and feel better. I am in the process of sadness right now but staying strong. Thank you so much for this video. It really was life changing!
WOW!! This was literally my marriage. Been separated 7 weeks now and been struggling with it. After listening to this it’s made me realise I just need to move on and let him go.
I hope you found peace ❤️
@@SassySlater I have thank you 💖
I had to let go of a lot of friendships and even in dating. When what you give, your thoughtfulness, consideration, your time, investment does not match up with a friend or in dating, it can be exhausting, resentful and feel unsettling. Trust me when I say, there will be people who will match your enthusiasm and see your value and actually show it willingly without you having to say anything! What's not okay is to continue to entertain them when they come to you for attention when they're bored or only in need/when convenient to them. This is when you have to pour back all the energy you've been giving to them, back into yourself! Of course I would have a conversation with them first and relay how you feel etc. But if nothing changes, it's time for you to distance, let go and move on! The world needs your energy, it needs your generosity and love. You 'toning down' that would be such a diservice to the world!
This comment really gives me hope. Thank you!
I pretty much agree with all you said except the conversation with them about it. In friendships or any relationship, if there's a pattern of lack of giving similarly, and the other person isn't suffering (from some illness, tragedy or other difficulty) talking to them about it to hopefully make them change their behavior "permanently" is pretty fruitless!
If they were truly as loving and giving as you, you'd KNOW it and witness it and wouldn't need the "conversation". Maybe the conversation is good for you, so you can express your frustration and maybe that helps you feel you weren't a coward and showed strength and self-conviction, but, later, you'll just feel shitty that you felt it necessary! I think, better to cut your losses and express that you care for them and have good memories (if that was the case) but, you're interested in having people in your life who are more similar in their ability to show love, and say goodbye. In actuality, you weren't a match and if they really wanted you in their life, as their friend or more, they would be doing whatever it took to make that clear. There's not a person on the planet that doesn't do what they want when they want to, unless they're being held hostage or under duress of some kind.
This. Life's too short.
In the past I have given chances to exes. Even after expressing my feelings and I kept giving more and not getting in return what I need. That has ended, and I will no longer involve myself with such people. Some are serious manipulators and will take from you as long as you let them. Now, I observe and take my time. Same with friendships. I believe now that I want to only associate with people who are on the similar frequency as me and similar in personality. Otherwise I will remain single by choice and friendless. Cuz, i just can't ne around certain people anymore. I also know my worth now 😊
this video made me cry in a sad but good way. The grief is definitely real but it's worth it long term.
You have nailed it in the head, when describing someone struggling with codependency. The void that comes with giving less, then turns to grief, and then ultimately to peace. The void you are trying to fill was always within yourself. Thank you for your thoughtful words, it makes a sensitive subject easier to process.❤
I loved this so much that I watched it twice. It's like he knows me personally! Especially when he spoke about feeling guilt when you try to stop giving so much.
This girl ghosted me like 2 weeks ago... she's not calling... It's her loss...
Relationships are work, and if both of you don't see eye to eye then they fail
Exactly… I always give more and I receive nothing in return. I stop giving and it’s a issue. I just can’t give anymore… we are honestly at the brink of being over. He doesn’t see things from my side and makes me seem like I’m being irrational.
What happens when the giving one stops giving so much, is the end of the relationship. The other person is likely not giving as much because he's falling out of love with you. It's the Long Goodbye. I prefer ending it with the hard end, the Short Goodbye. Then you can be sad, cry, be depressed, and eventually come out of it refreshed and with a clearer understanding of how bad the relationship had been all along. It's hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of the relationship. It's like breaking an addiction. You both with be tempted to go back together, and may do that. But the situation will likely repeat. It's best to walk away, seems to me.
Honeycomb, RIGHT! It’s best to walk away. If I have to ask for something I just don’t want anymore…
Needed this!! I am always a very giving person in any relationship and I have had moments of resentment because of expectations that I know I shouldn't have.
You are spot on. I tried giving less and realized that it did not matter. He did not understand why I was giving less, I realized that he never gave at all. What a revelation. Thank you so much. All he cares about is what he gets. What a wake up call! He never even asked why? What a disconnect!!!!
Listening to this makes me so sad. I have done this in all my relationships with men. I was in a 26 year long relationship in which I totally over gave.
Having got out of that relationship I started, what I thought was a great relationship, 5 months ago. We hit it off straight away, had a short break when things were moving too quick for him, but started seeing each other again recently. There is so much potential for us but I have been constantly over giving. I decided to discuss things with him after what were some mixed feelings of him being so loving, caring and tender and then the next time his guard being totally up again and we are slowing things down as friends but I'm so confused as the same night we were more connected and comfortable together than we have been the whole time we have been together. This was on Sunday and we have messaged each other every evening since then, mainly with me instigating the messages but with him instigating the messages on Tuesday. I thought we were ok but he suddenly just stopped messaging last night with no explanation. I felt awful today and told myself I wouldn't message him but I have developed feelings for this guy and couldn't resist messaging. He responded but I kept the messages very short and ended the conversation after a couple of messages. The thing Matthew says about guilt is so true and I constantly feel terrible when I try to be strong and step back and then I kick myself for giving in and always messaging. The same happened this evening with me now feeling guilty for ending our conversation abruptly.
Also so true about the grief. When I try to pull away I feel like I'm grieving and can't stand the thought of him not being in my life.
Honestly Matthew.. I cannot express to you what your words mean to me in this video💕 my heart is hurting so deeply. my grief is very strong. and the feeling of "is that all i am worth ? nothing?" is setting in high. it's so hard stepping away from my sister and realize i mean nothing like what she means to me.
your words were really healing thank you ! i will have to replay this one many times.
Wow Matthew, just WOW. Only today I sent a long message to the person I've been having a 'relationship' with. I say it like that because it was online and long-distance. We only met once. However, it was pretty intense and I just fell for him badly. Over the months, and particularly recently, I felt we were going nowhere. I am classically an over-giver and should have learned from a previous relationship with a a narcissist (which almost killed me) So, I began to feel a growing resentment and frustration and like you say, the cycle of me trying to smooth things over, explain how I was feeling without him giving back. I texted him to say 'was he ready to hear me out' because I hadn't texted for a few days. He responded ' I messaged you if you are okay and got no reply? And now you're saying this Wow, Go ahead, then let's hear it' ( immature to say the least. ) I could almost see him lounging back in his chair, like being pulled in to the Headmaster's room and being told off, chewing gum while listening or something,. He would listen but....
But here is what I wrote then: "I'm not angry, just sad. I have felt you more and more distant and that you can't or don't want to pursue our relationship further (he had kept saying he would make the effort to come to see me, he didn't) You don't facetime or even call me. You say you can't, well you're not 12 years old so that doesn't make sense. You're trapped in your life (strict religion, his family and community) maybe and I understand your restrictions in some ways but if you really wanted this, you would have made it happen somehow. It was just becoming too painful for me. You are the one who has texted less and less so I've felt I have to do the same. Your know in your heart how I feel about you. I feel like you are going through some difficult time in your life. I don't know for sure because you tell me so little. I feel like you are frustrated and angry, maybe with me, maybe with lots of things. I know you find it hard to talk about stuff. I so desperately wanted to see you again but it seemed like you just wouldn't. Maybe now you can't speak openly, eventually maybe you will. I'm here and ready to talk"
So this is what I did. To be honest, I had gone through such a bad time over the past few months, missing him. Then I just got to the point where I said to myself "I don't want to feel sad anymore'" Enough. I could also see that he was really not mature enough to see who I am for all sorts of reasons. We communicated for eight months. I have had abandonment issues and have been in therapy for a few years, so hope that I'm getting to a healthier place. Plus, I'm a pychotherapist myself and know all this logically but emotionally it's quite different when in it.
I almost made a manifestation statement to the universe and suddenly out of the blue, a friend said he would like to introduce me to someone. We met and he is truly sweet and loving, giving and honest. A mensch. However, I guess my worry is that I don't blow it. I am aware of how I am and I hope I have much clearer boundaries but I still feel myself getting edgy and anxious. Post script note: Today I deleted my dating app - what a complete waste of time THAT was!!!! But that's a whole other topic
Sorry for the long-winded message, but perhaps it may help someone who has been or is going through similar and I wanted to let you know how your videos have helped me SO MUCH over the past year or so.
☺☺
❤️❤️
Oh Matthew, I really loved hearing your emotionally intelligent nuances in this particular video regarding non-romantic relationships. The grief that follows once you actually DO the right thing!!!... applying new healthy boundaries and discovering the relationship is diminished. It's so sad to no longer be "thick as thieves", but very good to no longer be bleeding out your energy. You provide a gently supportive, deep acknowledgement of certain human experiences. That's a great tip - offsetting the loss in one relationship by strengthening/nurturing other beneficial relationships. Wonderful insight. x
His words are so straight forward, and i believe it must have healed lots of emotional wounds
It is such a marvellous content, the pearl of his videos according to me, full of love and awarness, filtered through his own experiences maybe. With open eyes bearing the pain of the veil fall. An hymn to the necessity to go through the grieve
🍀🌈
Grazie
@@luciadefalco I wish everyone would got to more of his channel, maybe he would change the world with his speech.
Omg this is so true and has been. It makes me sad. Because essentially the givers have to become less of themselves and who we innately are.
I needed to hear this so much. The worst is when the person actually admits they haven’t been as good a friend - over and over, but nothing changes. I’ve run back to it for decades. Today it stops. I have been thinking so much about this lately, and then I noticed this video. I was realizing it’s a general pattern for me in all relationships, and it’s simply time to give the most to me for a change.
Your wisdom is so great that I feel like you are a 100 year old person who lived all this! I love your videos and the way you speak with such empathy and power!!! Love from Canada 🍁
Hey, this comment is coming from a man!
Matthew i just wanna say thank you!!! I have been going through a tough time the last two weeks, and you really really helped me so much! You resonate such a calm and realistic character that every time i just hear your voice (never mind the extraordinary content you give) i get relaxed and present to the moment!
You really gave me a pillar in this time, and i can feel that my healing just started, because of your eye-opening Advice!
Thanks brother!
Yes absolutely, it's intensely uncomfortable to give less. Agonizing in a way, but you know something has to change.
The hardest part about this is how confusing things are. The times we are together, things are so great. I worry that things aren't okay and wish she would text as much as I'd like to. The she comes over and the time spent is such high quality Im convinced that everything is great. Then the next day, I can't even get a reply to a good morning or good night. I know she's got some complicated personal issues she's dealing with and basically 1.5 jobs but how much effort does a text take?
I’m kinda in the same boat. She doesn’t take me out and hardly if ever compliments me or offers me backrubs or anything of the sort. I’m usually the one to initiate these things. And as time goes on it’s starting to feel more and more one sided. I’m always asking her questions about her life and her day and she doesn’t really divulge. Just last night I expressed a little bit about some things I’m worried about in my own life but she had nothing to say. And she hardly ever actively says good night or good morning. At most she’ll say “gn” but generally only “likes” my greetings.
It’s just really starting to get to me. But I’m really surprised and impressed at how Matthew hussey has accurately framed the internal struggle when it comes to giving too much. I’m trying to decide how to talk to her, or if I should pull back
How’s the situation been for you so far?
And just to be clear, I’m the one that is asking her to go out and initiate sexy time and offering back rubs (sometimes she asks which I’m always very eager and happy to do) and I’m always complimenting her. But I actually have been trying to hold back cuz it seems like she isn’t receptive to it unless she puts in effort to dress up and idk I just want her to know always that’s she’s the most beautiful woman ever
@seangilbreath7378 I actually broke things off with her. I shouldn't have to have these worries. If it was right, it would feel right. Since then I met someone new, and things are amazing.
I needed this. I reaffirmed that I'm doing the most healthy thing for my friendship - giving less. Going through all the emotions, but now I know it's part of the process.
Thank you SO much for talking about the grief that comes with change/ending of friendship. Our culture is almost abusive with how it encourages the devalues and dismisses the vital importance of friendships. This is really honoring and a great anecdote to the "just get new friends!" culture that is destroying community and the ability to find friendship connections as adults.
I needed this so much. I'm so tired of always initiating meet ups with friends and checking up on them, getting nothing in return. I will practice this more this year. Thanks so much Matt 🙏
Resonates sadly atm
Beautifully spoken
🖤🖤
Thank you, Matthew. I so needed to hear your message this morning to stop this cycle of resentment with my soon to be ex-husband of 23 years. I feel empowered and I have more clarity in knowing exactly what I need to do. 🙏🏼❤️ Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Give just as much as you receive. No one is better than you.
Matt, have you been in my head?? The past 5 days I’ve been struggling and emotionally purging my feelings because of the resentment I hold towards my mother. Ive been researching on how to handle these emotions because it’s been really hard for me. Your video gave me the insight that I exactly needed!! You lifted 50 lbs off my chest and I thank you with everything I have. Your insight is beyond words and I could never thank you enough ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for posting this video. I just went through all the turmoil you described by falling back in a relationship. Your video helped me to realize that I did the right thing to regain my inner peace.
I love this video! Thank you Matthew for talking about that. It came at a right moment for me. ❤️🙏
😢yes among other reasons i had to leave because i was the only one pedaling a tandem bicycle. Yes the grieving is profound, but that was felt even before leaving. When you realize the inequality is when the grieving first starts. Thank you Matt for a mature talk. I appreciate it. I wish us all joyous, serene and awe inspiring winter celebrations
Don’t you believe if you have to do this then it’s over? If the balance is off then clearly only 1 is giving/saving relationship.
Why not communicate with your partner and let them know what you're thinking? No one can read your mind and everybody has different expectations and standards. They may have got rejected in the past for giving too much so they may be holding back for fear of seeming too much. Or they could be wanting to take things slower than you.
Depends a lot if you are just dating or you have been with them long enough to know what they're like, obviously. I'm imagining this is more relevant in the dating phase, because why would you get into a relationship with someone who doesn't give you what you need???
In the beginning expectations are not clear and it pays to be upfront and clear about what your standards are. Obviously you don't come to them with a list on the first date, but any time they breach a standard you have to let them know they have, otherwise they won't know (right! Obviously they won't know if you don't tell them!).
If this happens when you are already in a committed relationship - well, either you chose to be with that person knowing that is what they're like (in which case you can't demand or expect them to change - that's what you 'bought'!) OR something has happened to make them more distant (in which case you better find out what that is).
So my answer (which is my personal opinion) is that it's not over just because of this, unless you decide it is. It's pretty normal for people to be mismatched, even during a relationship when things change. It's like stormy weather and if you can't handle the normal relationship weather patterns then you probably have some growth to do before you can really serve another person in a relationship and do them justice.
@@thecurrentmoment wow, I totally get what you're saying and it makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
@@thecurrentmoment the person that isn’t trying is the same one that ultimately is not communicating that it’s over in their mind. They will string you along for financial reasons.
@@CareBear-og6pe depends on the situation. I would avoid saying that is true all the time, you have to read the situation and do what you can (IF you actually want it to succeed). A lot of problems happen when people assume things (sometimes incorrectly) and then give up, when maybe a bit of effort and communication would've solved the problem. The problem with assuming bad intentions is that if you are thinking like that you probably should have left your partner ages ago, as soon as you decided you didn't want to trust them
I think until you actually know the reason it is really hard to just assume that it is all their fault and there is nothing you can do. It could be there is a chain of events where you did something bad, they did something bad, you did something bad, and no one really knows where it started. Better to get it out in the open I think. And if you are talking about it you can tell if they are lying or not, instead of assuming bad intentions.
If you want a good book, there are a few by Dr John Gottman about keeping marriages healthy. Him and the Gottman Institute have been studying married couples for decades and they can predict with great accuracy who will get divorced and who will not. In one study, they predicted with 94% accuracy with over 100 couples. So the advice is based on the most rigorous research available on this. A lot of the advice comes down to assuming good intentions, communication, and taking responsibility in disagreements, but I can't do it justice in a comment obviously. They are really good
Just less, not a tactic.. goood
Matthew Hussey - you give us wonderful and empathic advice!!
Thank you so much 💙
I’ve always gone out of my way for other people and please people but I’ve always felt alone cos no one cares back and then make you feel like it’s your job to be there for them. I’ve stepped back and waited and realized nobody calls and asked about me. It was always about them and what they needed
Alone now and happy to be alone. True and genuine friends are hard to find, people that actually enjoy your company instead of just needing you and using all the time
Matthew, you came up with this video as if you knew…
This perfect timing is almost shocking but I’m so grateful.
It’s good to hear the obvious from someone from the outside. It’s just good to get that reassurance.
Thank you.
I also really appreciate the detailed tangible step through of each feeling that will come up and a solution to follow it and then again the feeling that will come up and not only sympathy for that but a loving explanation of why to honor that feeling but not listen to it to continue forward etc. This is so helpful because whenever implementing advice it’s so easy to get thrown off course when you take care of one thing and the next feeling comes up. Like when you talk about getting less so then you feel less resentful but then there’s the guilt that pops up. That was some thing that hit me because I didn’t realize that I had been thrown off course by the guilt. I think it’s really helpful because when we’re in a situation we’re trying to change, the less caught off guard we can be by the feeling that follows the less will have that panicky feeling of am I doing everything right, am I doing everything wrong etc.
10/10 so good matt..sounds like you have been through this too! this speaks to me so much..I have been the 'propper' in the past 2 years.. me asking him out, me chasing - even buying him presents. Never getting anything back and i barely get a 'thanks'. Basically being a mug. It has made me angry frustrated I simply must permanently pull back and mourn the loss and accept the full emptiness. It's a one-way relationship
Problem is I guess you are trying to date someone way above your level while thinking your being generaous " at the moment" will make him see you differently as a worthy and/ot equal partner enough for him to start returning your gestures in equal proportion. Meanwhile, you have probabaly neglected the other potential mate on equal footing who will have committed and return your gestures with a favor. To find real happiness, you might have to do a decent amount of self reflection and be realistic about your possibilities.
I’ve noticed with friendships especially I’ve resisted pulling back because of the feeling you talked about towards the end of the video of you kind of grieve this feeling that you thought you had of you’re not alone in the world there’s someone out there who gets you and who supports you and you’re looking out for each other. And sometimes putting off getting less and realizing that they don’t give more keeps me from that pain and it’s hard to know how to move forward and build new community when you feel all of a sudden very unwanted and unsure of things that were once never unsure in your life.
Thank you Matthew for addressing this as any spectrum of relationships, be it family, friendships, romantic, work, etc. It took me a long time to figure the built up of resentment at times I feel in my relationships. You address this so gently, in a way I wish I had that guideline in the past. I watch your videos for a long time. It started with romantic relationships, to breakups, to putting myself back together and now for family & friends. I'm really thankful to always have your advices to guide me through. It's a really wonderful thing you're doing in this journey of yours. From my heart, thank you.
This is me in relationships all day long 🤦🏾♀️! I am going through this right now, and as I'm pulling back I'm now being called cold or mean. However, this person or people in my life were too comfortable with taking what I was giving or what I was letting get over me.
Interestingly enough, I've been in a situation where the other person was reciprocating so I thought were on the right path only for it to explode and then they told me they felt guilty for cancelling, they didn't clarify boundaries around time management (and had a hard time with theirs) etc. I didn't get to the resentment part cuz I was unaware. Time to move on! Actions speak louder than words.
Matthew, thank you for what you do! you help millions of people with their relationship, free of charge. God bless you!
When i notice ppl start doing shits...taking granted...i tell them once n then energy match....no initiations....i do more inner work...ppl who are right for u...changed their problematic Behaviour...other just dont...or repeat same shit or make excuse....then boy bye n girl🙏
...no prob....i am caring and empathetic person but once i am done...i am done...live in peace.
Instead of giving less just move on and find someone who actually values you and will meet your emotional needs.
💯 specially the grief and changing the calibration is the relationship
Matthew, This was SO powerful and clear that even the most confused or heart broken person can make their path to healing... sent this to a few friends who are struggling. Appreciate your work, be well and HNY!
This is really useful to hear out in concrete words as at times we can’t even describe. It was an eye opener
Wow! So needed to hear this! It hurts even more when the person who you keep giving to, takes you for granted, and exhibits the things that you've been expecting, to someone else in a close friends group... Like the care and thought that they put into expressing to the other person, why don't I deserve the same thoughts? But life flows, anything other than authentic and spontaneous responses/interactions will probably make me feel worse. So have to regulate, accept, and keep working towards completely being one with myself. No one can completely be there for me, except, myself. It's a long hard road, but I am willing to make small progress and bide my strength to help me. Thanks for sharing this. Much love.!
Dear Matthew 💓 I am in that kind of relationship with ex boyfrend where dispate the great desire I have for our love and friendhip, I don't reach anymore. He reaches too but doesn't chage his behaviour.
I noticed the stress that kreeps in me, but only now, after hearing your message, I understood where and why it is coming back. Thank you so much for this video 💛
I did this recently. They did notice and were concerned and communicated that concern. Didn’t change much. But, we are still going.
For me giving too much comes from a place that I am not good enough. Because of my parents were alcoholics. You were nothing and no one to them. You try to help people and you can't even talk about it that you are not okay with a sh*tty relationship where you just get used or settle for some less abusive AH because there are worse AH's out there.
People who give a lot, make sure that they are needed, because their parents didn't necessarily give a cr*p about them. It's not natural to give 1000% especially when the other person treats you like cr*p. You don't appreciate yourself, you don't believe that you are good enough and you are afraid of being abandoned. When actually you are just abandoning yourself.
Wow, that took a lot of courage to get to that honest place of insight into yourself. Very impressive 👏. So, how do you think you can solve your tendency to feel you need to "overgive" so not be abandoned--and, give to yourself all you need, first?
I so love this you tube video. It is the “real talk” I have needed to hear for a long time. I have a friend who I love and care about very much but the friendship has always been pretty much one sided with me doing most of the work to keep the friendship going. I have struggled with this for some time and I have that friend who has been very patient with me as I constantly complained about frustration and hurt. What I love about this video is not only is it spot on regarding the action I need to take by stop giving so much in the friendship, it also discusses the grief that I know I will experience because most likely what will happen is that me and this friend won’t have much communication any longer which will be hard but I know for my own mental health and peace of mind I have take action and just work through the grief.
Well said, helped me a lot as well as your other videos. Greetings from Poland, see relationship's problems are similar all over the world so we are not alone. Xxx
I don't agree with this at all. I wasn't getting what I was putting in back and time and time again, I put in more. When it got to the point where I realised I wasn't getting what I wanted back, I did exactly what you said, I backed up because I didn't have the energy to keep giving and giving without it being returned. It was then and only then that the resentment kicked in, because I was now holding back my true self. I was bringing myself down to their level and basically turning into someone I was not. Acting how I did not want to act in relationship. This turned to real real resentment, which never leads to anything positive unless you confront it and deal with it head on with each other. If this happens, don't brush it under the carpet and think doing less will make everything okay. It won't. It will just make your resement grow. You need to sit down and talk about everything and yell your partner you need to do the work with yourself so you are on the same level so you get what you need from the relationship. If they are not willing to acknowledge their problems or try to change, then you have no option to leave, because you will ultimately become someone you are not and them resentment will turn into anger and content frustration and believe me that is not a position you want to be with someone who should make you feel the complete opposite
I wholeheartedly agree. You will resent your partner for making you small. Don’t settle. You deserve someone who matches your energy.
Another home run. Trying to overcome my people pleasing tendencies that have burned me to the core, as it always will. I can only be responsible for my actions and I’m taking accountability for the mess I’ve created in my life. God bless those on this healing journey.
Thank you so much for this Matthew !!!
You don’t know how much I needed this ! I feel universe somehow chose this for me at just the right time !
My relationships, and with family especially, have always been this way. The over giving of myself till resentment has bubbled up to a pending explosion. I've always been told and taught to be the giver, the one to sacrifice my own needs. It's been a long road to get to the point of distancing myself from those family members who give nothing back. To learn that my own needs are important and that those who are worth being in my life will show their love and enthusiasm for our relationship with effort.
I know we all go through phases of our life where we have more or less energy to give in relationships. And that's fine. Because it leaves room for people to change, and I think that's ultimately a good thing. I'm trying to affirm to myself and deconstruct the beliefs I held of poor self worth. As I take up space, and try to be more unapologetically myself I'm happier. People who love you will always meet you with effort that's something that I know for sure.
I am a natural giver. I have given my all only because I thought the world should be kind to others. I was once told that I am manipulative as a giver. I have never been so confused in my life. Knowing well that was not the intention, rather giving out of love. Now I have to stop, and I feel so bad and mean. Working on myself to be more stingy 😢
I can't state enough how grateful for I am for this video!!! My grief, my trauma and my mental health feels more difficult to manage now than it did when I was in my first serious relationship. Being single makes the process of moving on easier up until that one boyfriend of yours decided to randomly text her best girlfriend, saying that he wants to know if his ex-girlfriend willing to "talk" to him again. Now I'm back at square one and more angry than ever.
I love having a topic that is usually some thing that you feel very vulnerable during and may be almost shameful or unloved, because when someone is not giving back to you question your words sometimes I think subconsciously which makes us feel very shameful when asking for advice about something like this, and I love how somehow the way the video is filmed or the sound or something something about it feels quite intimate and calming and personal like a friend encouraging you in a way that feels very loving and approachable
It would be lovely if Matthew could make a follow up video about how to communicate your needs in a loving way. I quietly stopped contacting both a friend and crush last year, and I feel like they haven't even noticed I'm gone. No contact from them whatsoever in almost 12 months. In a lot of my relationships, it feels like unless I initiate contact, nothing happens. I feel guilty for not contacting them, like maybe I was wrong, but then as Matthew said anger helps. Like why is it just up to me to initiate contact? Is it weird for me to hope that they will reach out to me on their own? I wish I knew how to tell them that I need more regular contact from them without me sounding demanding...
I get how you're feeling, very much. The sad reality in life, I believe, is that great friendships and love relationships are very organic and can't be manufactured or forced to "progress" and unfortunately, unless you hang out with people, you don't know whether they're your "tribe" or not. If you're reciprocating their efforts in kind, great. If after more than a couple occasions, the efforts to care for or do nice things for the other are mostly one-sided (on your end) it's definitely a good sign, that it's not going to be truly a cohesive pairing. Better to know before you've truly invested your heart. Learn to just go with the flow and not "commit" immediately, but judge more accurately, sooner. It takes practice, but, I know, eventually you'll build your tribe of those people who are meant to be "keepers" for more than just a season.
I wish came out 6 years ago and not 6 days ago and that I had seen it during my marriage...this exact concept is the reason my marriage fell apart 😢 ladies please don't give so much to a man who you know deep down in your heart would throw you away like lunch from last Tuesday 😔
I need to give less from now on 🤦🏼♂️
Got to have the courage to accept the reality and make changes that will make us less resentful. Also , why being nice while resentful? We should do things freely with no expectations but I find it impossible as human not expect back . And so we have to be authentic and this will bring us peace . Our words, actions should be most of the time aligned with our feelings not in contrast . Living with antagonistic actions and feelings can be very painful . Let’s work on authentic self peacefully. Thanks Mathew!
I’m from Canada and love your messages . Keep it up !
Expectations is disappointintment in the making!
🌟 Nice person vs Good person = People Pleaser vs Fair Friend = Imbalance vs Balance = Resentment vs Valued 🌟
This was absolutely SPOT ON! And I’ve been searching for an explanation as to why I was feeling guilt and grief when I did pull away from my romantic relationship. I propped it all up so why did I feel guilty for leaving?! When I pulled away, everything changed and sadly - or happily(!) we are no longer together. I decided I had to stop filling up this cup for 2 alone! Thank you so much for this Matthew! Really made so much sense to me.
This was very difficult to hear. It made me sob. I needed to hear this, Matthew. Are you a psychologist? You are really good at this.
I feel so lucky to know of you Mathew ❤ I feel like you articulate my experiences and so accurately have your videos have always helped me heal and NOW more than EVER . I’ve “wasted “ 3 years of my life for a guy I thought saw me the way I saw him and felt about him and it turns out that I really just ignored all the signs and broke
My back trying to make things work and only ended up hurt and a fool and alone .Thank you so much for the content
Ps when people show you who they are the first time , believe them . Say that again to yourselves until it sticks
I’ve always heard this but I shut it down because the truth was not what I was ready for because I had hope and felt a real love for him and simply really tried and waited for him to give that back to me and he never did .all he gave me was smoke a mirrors)
Thank you Matt 🙏🏽 this is exactly what I needed to hear
I have been struggling on this so much in friendships and this is something I needed to hear. Thank you Matthew!
It’s exactly what I’m feeling right now 💔 i already gave less because i was the one initiating everything until the relationship faded away.. i took it as closure then he came back stronger to win me over as his girlfriend and did major efforts for 3 weeks , i let the guard down , Then suddenly ! Back to the old avoidant distant guy , i start giving less again . He won’t answer my texts. I’m just speechless how people can be so cruel, I’m tired , it hurts even more than before although i didn’t fully buy it i always keep that 30% of security just in case ..
Thank you as always Matthew and team, been here since the beginning and love y’all
Matthew is spot 👌 👏 on
I was the one who ended the relationship. He was my first everything. I have always felt that something was not okay but I have put more and more energy,time, effort into the relationship hoping that he will be the one I need. Time passed but Im still not over him. However deep down Im trying to forgive myself for dumping him, when my head knows it was the right decision, however much my heart cant accept this fact. I felt I was trying to propped up relationship and still I am not able to move on.
Oh my god I feel you
My boyfriend (who is my first by the way ) is being distant from me and doesn't reach out like he used to
And I've been trying to justify his ignorance saying things like he's busy .....
But deep down I know he just doesn't care
And sometimes I feel like this ain't worth it but then I don't wanna let go cuz I want him
And now reading this felt like talking to my future self after letting go
I hope you do amazing without him
You're strong!
These are my exact feelings towards my ex. Denial creeps up sometimes whenever I'm stuck in my loneliness... it makes me remember all the times I didn't stand up for myself, and by the time I did, he started getting angry with me. My ex is now convinced that I'll come back to him someday. It's not going to happen. 😒
This is absolutely brilliant! Just what I needed. Thank you Matthew. You've helped me so much!
Love your videos Matthew! 💯
This comes right when I need it. Not the first time that happened. Is almost like he can read my mind😂Thank you Matthew!❤
This hit home, every word of it 🥺
I used to clean my ex’s house (dishes, bathroom, even laundry at times) when I’d visit from out of town thinking if I do enough he’ll see my value and maybe see my wife potential I realized I was becoming resentful. Why was I doing this I thought to myself, he didn’t ask me to. He was appreciative but it didn’t make him see my value it only mad him feel bad bc his house was a mess. So my new way of thinking is my value is not in doing it’s just in being. Knowing I’m valuable just for being me not how much I can do. My worth comes from myself not from others and I don’t need to prove my worth to anyone.
Thank you Matthew
This helped me, been married for 24 years
Really good thank you for this Matthew. This has really helped me with a manipulative relationship with my landlord and his wife as I struggle with guilt and keeping boundaries
Perfectly said! I've started giving less cuz I feel like I'm the only one giving and I can't leave and can't move on and I'm just stuck though I've tried to let go of this relationship but he just keeps coming back. Now I'm kinda tired with this
Just what I needed to hear. Unfortunately can't give more than one like, but thank you!
This is true.
I can relate to much of what you had to say