Constant Rumination - and five ways to stop it
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- Опубліковано 20 тра 2024
- Rumination is when we obsessively over think over the same things again and again. It can be addictive and keep people stuck in a cycle of fear, anxiety, anger and depression where recovery and moving forward can be hindered.
Common reasons for rumination include past injustices, unfairness, narcissistic abusers and fear of the future. In this video Darren Magee outlines what rumination is, why we ruminate and discusses some ideas to help break the cycle.
If you find this video interesting or helpful please consider supporting me on Patreon
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#overthinking #rumination #narcissisticabuserecovery
"Go and do the things they didn't want you to do" - i dusted off decades-long dormant hobbies. and it felt good to be free.
thanks, Darren.
So true. It is as though we have been brainwashed into treating ourselves like they did....if we are not careful, anyway.
I just went and changed the radio station!
@@murrayshomeforwaywardchick9182 🤣🤣🤣💪🏼❤️
For me it was different. I had to let go of the hobbies because they had control over it. And it reminded me to much of them.
@@Christian_1980 I completely appreciate that. I have several framed paintings that I treasure, but in the past week, I pulled them off the walls in an effort to get rid of the past attachment to him. I'm donating them. As much as times are tight, the money would be tainted. They didn't affect me for a few years; I loved them. I suddenly need to purge them all because of the reminders. It's like the next chapter of healing has begun and my perspective has changed.
Your explaining everything that I've dealt with concerning my father and how he treated me and my brother. I'm 33 and sometimes I still can't fully get away from those memories, but what has helped me is realizing and accepting that I cannot say or do anything to make him change or to apologize and reconcile. That, learning to respect MYSELF, and moving on with my life, has done away with most of those thoughts that are crippling depressing. Thank you for your videos, they help.
I've watched alot of these the last 4 yrs, but yours just seem to speak to me.
I'm the Scapegoat of a Malignant covert Narcissistic Mother. Both my sisters left home at 18, I stayed to do my training.
Cut a long story short ......4 yrs ago my nm tried to poison my 17yr old son against me. That was the last straw amongst all the horrendous verbal and psychological abuse. I've been ostracised that many times, just for 'adultly' disagreeing with her. She would never call me, she will never make the first move, she has poisoned my foo against me. I have now been disinherited and then she started a smear campaign. I live about 10 mins away from her. My dad
@@helengibson9006 your message was a little hard to make out, but yea my heart goes out to you or anyone else that has had to deal with a terrible parent. The psychological scars take the longest to heal.
@@Lee_music249 Sorry Lee. Foo means Family of Origin.
Someone has arrived so I will say abit more when they've gone. Thank you for identifying with me. Speak soon!!!
I’m 62 years old and finally went no contact with my parents. My dad, the malignant narcissist, is 87 years old and still going strong with his cruel, manipulative ways. Six years ago I finally realized he would never change. It took awhile, but I have chosen to live my life my way. I am a good person, I finally recognized, and never deserved the lifelong treatment he’s dished out. It took me this long, but I’m finally ok, working at it every day.
@@lizorand1 yea my father is hyper manipulative. His tactic is making someone feel sorry for him, to get them on his side, or putting me down in front of others, or making me feel stupid, talking over me, or making lies about me. Who knows what he's said to people about me. Oh but nothing is ever his fault, he's always the victim. If people could see the real him, and not the mask that everyone else sees, then they could understand what I know of him, but they can't. Sometimes creating distance is a good thing, but that's for you to decide. Sorry for the venting. I still love my father, but I know I can't trust him, which feels odd. And trust is everything with a relationship. So yea I'm sorry your going through all this, even at that age. I hope the best for you.
5 years of concentrated counseling after leaving my narcissist after 20+ years. Undoing the brainwashing. Can't believe how good my life is now!!
So good to read life can be good again. Thankyou. 5 years is a lot of therapy. 👍
I grew up with a narcissistic, abusive father. I finally cut him out of my life when I was 40, but many of the hurtful things he said played constantly in my head. A friend gave me this tip: Imagine those comments coming from someone whose opinion doesn't matter to you. That could be a celebrity, a politician, a character in a book or movie...I chose an angsty pre-teen in an online video game. Any time I heard my father saying something hurtful, I instead imagined it coming from an angry kid in an MMO. I don't care if that kid thinks I'm overweight or didn't get a good enough grade in math. It took a few tries but it worked, and I have moved on from my father's abuse.
This is great advice!
Same here, at 56 I've cut him out like a malignant cancer, him and his enabler girlfriend,.makes me shudder, agh. X
Thanks! Ill give it a try! My dads voice pops into my head and really brings me down. Crazy that we are continuing to hurt ourselves
Brilliant!
Excellent advice Dr Magee. What I say to myself when ruminating thoughts come over my mind is this: go to work. Then I get back to working something. Another one I use that works very well is to say to yourself: next thought please. This stops the thought dead in its tracks, for precious moments one's mind is clutter free. A troubling thought might come back and you say it again: next thought please. Again; you have precious moments free of the repetitive thought. This gives you down time and your mind can refresh the menu so-to-speak.
LOL, I like this, like you're skipping ahead in a playlist. I'm also reminded of Eric Draven in The Crow, picking through the wedding rings: No, no, no....keep sorting til you find a thought you want!
I have found, for myself, guilt and shame are a good part of rumination. Also fear of rejection and fear for your reputation. When I self talk about these areas it helps me. Narcs are not going to change, but you can change. Eg of self talk: "No shame, it was not my fault, I was just a child." No guilt, I won't except guilt for things I did not do." Fear:"It is God's job to protect my reputation. I will rest and let go and let God". Fear: "Whoever believes the lies, and rejects me, is not supposed to be in my life anyway."
TY for sharing. Very helpful.
Fantastic post Janet. You are right - it's guilt, shame, reputation, rejection always in my head. Sabotage is another, makes one suspicious of people.
Such excellent advice. I was in therapy at the time of my non stop ruminating, so I could get things out verbally which helped tremendously. I still have dreams though, generally around important dates while I was married. What hit home was your comment on “where is the justice?” I try to look at it as what he does isn’t my business now, only what I do matters. Then express gratitude that he is out of my life. It has taken over 10 years to get to this point, but I am proud of being the full person I was always meant to be.
My next hurdle, seeing if I can trust again. At 63 with two grown kids, I can say being on my own isn’t that bad. That said I want to be on my own for the right reasons and not out of fear of being hurt again. Time will tell.
There is another thing I have started doing if it helps everyone. I have created an email id for myself and write words of encouragement to myself.. being my own friend.. and reply back with concerns. And read them before I write another. This has helped me.
Thank you Dr Magee. I am consummed by my thoughts of loss, sadness and anger. I am nearly 70 yrs and 3 years ago my narcisistic daughter in law stopped me seeing my grandchildren, I had been in their lives for 14 years taking them out every week and babystitting 2/3 times a week. I had a text from the grandchidlren saying "grandma we love you cant wait for the weekend" (when I was taking them out,) then 3 days later my DIL said I couldnt see them again, with no explaination , since then nothing, no contact whatsoever despite me asking her and my son to talk with me. I am devasted, I think of them as soon as I wake in the morning , I have lost my son, my grandchildren and the only family I had.
So sorry to hear that. So heartbreaking 💔 I had similar happen to me a few years ago and I just let it go and things changed think they had a good think about it all. It’s all very sad what some daughter in laws can do. I always had the best relationship with my son but obviously she wanted to stop that. Hoping things get better for you.Don’t forget you will always have that special bond with your grandchildren.
My brother pulled this in me too regarding his own children. Sick psychopathic wicked behavior.
Betrayal beyond words. Now he's indoctrinated his little army into making me the enemy. Its an absolute disease of evil taking over.
Please be strong. Get pets. More social activities. Keep busy. Don't let this ruin you. Im so sorry.
Excruciating stuff....especially when you know the gkids miss you too. I don't think it's something I will ever come to terms with...pure hell. Everyday....every missed birthday, special occasions and even to see other grandparents with their gkids cuts so deep. Unfortunately some of these people see children as nothing more than weapons in a silent war they are waging on upon us. Very sad.
Grace..I am sending you a heart full of love. Believe me I understand. Please pray to God, get involved in volunteer activities and realize no matter how painful and treacherous this is,we have no control over others. May God comfort and strengthen you and kind and joyous people come in your life .
Diversion helped me, I started sewing again, something that required me to think and concentrate on the task. My thoughts did go back to THERE but I used patience and kindness wuth myself. After awhile, I noticed I was focusing for longer periods on my task, movie or activity until I wasn't thinking about it at all! There's a sense of mastery that comes from this and future 'tag along' thoughts don't hang around because you've taken control of your time and how YOU USE IT!
My, my, my I needed this. After living with a high-functioning, super-intelligent wife for 30 yrs it has almost completely destroyed me. Thank you a million times...thank you.
When you said about birds and how you don't necessarily have to allow them to build a nest in your hair it made me laugh 😂 it's so true though because if we continued to allow toxic people to invade our life it would be a very unpleasant noisy nest of narcissists, enablers and flying monkeys. Thanks Darren and I really enjoy your channel ☀️
Yah, come to think of it, that Narc your repeatedly thinking of & ruminating over, Is Not doing the same as you are about You! They are working on their next victim... New Supply!
@@DesertlizzyThe Yes precisely!
THANK YOU! So needed this one as it’s my go to place when trying to understand and accept my narcissistic mother. I’m 54 and she’s 84 so I’ve a lot of years of abuse to deal with and mentally I’m exhausted, lonely and empty.
I can relate.
If what she says and does doesn't really make sense just know the she was coping with some serious shame from somebody in her life. Maybe something she did that adversely affected your life she could never say she was sorry for could be the reason for her behavior. Remember, it's not you. It's something she just can't share or talk about. Ultimate compassion was the end result that got me though the grief. There were many secrets in her life that you may uncover one day, as I uncovered many. But at the end of the day, being angry only feeds fuel to the fire. And believe me, there was a lot of deception in her family. I think my mother was disgusted with herself for making some bad choices in her life. But you see, I would have understood. And if I'm right, it sounds like you'd understand too. Families have so many secrets. And they're really all just a bunch of stupid fears and ideas. I hate to hear of someone who is going through this as I did. It's really tough. But just know you loved her the best you could. And in the end, that's the only thing that gets you through a difficult time. Don't let her get to you dear. It going to be ok.
@@kaystephens2672 Thank-you.
God bless , me too, and I hear and understand 💚
@@kaystephens2672 No amount of "hidden pain" makes it ok to be an abuser. Sure, one should learn not to dwell on it forever. But it's perfectly ok to recognise evil as evil.
It helped not to be sad at the loss of my sons and their gaslighting families - instead I am happy being FREE!! Free to move on!
As always your advice is really helpful. I know you mentioned sharing any thoughts that might help others, the counselling is very important and another thing that has helped me is painting. I feel that anyone who has experienced the difficulties that we have can benefit from creativity, textiles, drawing,pottery poetry whatever you're inclined to. Creative activities engage the mind and help to stop rumination and boost your self esteem and self worth
Thank you for sharing
Yes, and any other focused activity. My partner and I both have benefitted from lawn bowls which is a high focus sport.
Love love love this and the transparency Darren brings on positive reinforcement. Such a powerful message for anyone who is desperately trying to have a healthier mindset and not sure how or where to even begin.
Great message, Darren-> “Be with the people who bring out the best in you” 🙌🏼 … not the ones who work day and night to devalue you.
I spent 2 1/2 years with a therapist, being brutally, relentlessly transparent. You never met me, but it’s like you know. Exactly what I said. Thanks for helping.
Thank you! It is hard to stop trying to figure out why people act the way they do. I try telling myself that they are not worth it.
Thank you. I was diagnosed with OCD and I get stuck in rumination thoughts pretty much all the time. This was very helpful 🙏🏻
This is great advice, thank you very much! Listening to a lot of jazz these days, drawing, playing the piano, things I was always afraid to do before. Little by little I'm finding the courage.
Thank you for the reminder to not be too hard on myself when I catch myself ruminating. My Narc Dad has recently passed away. I have been working with a therapist who utilizes EMDR and it has been very helpful but it has not gotten rid of all of the rumination. I’m trying to remember that not only am I grieving the loss of the father I never really had but I’m also coming to terms with the toxic behavior of my siblings. I pray someday we can have a healthy relationship but I’m not going to wait around for that. I’ve waited for far too long to be at peace. If it happens great, but I’m not clinging on to breadcrumbs anymore.
D Nailor - BREADCRUMBS is a very apt term that describes the emotional stinginess that characterizes Narcissists
This one was really helpful...liberation is diy! Thank you for being so kind and supportive to a population that really needs it.
At the 0:45 mark, my jaw dropped and by the 3:30 mark, I became aware of the tears running down my cheeks. My therapist has been helping me with this for a long time, stemming from both my narcissistic mother and ex-husband. Hearing WHY it occurs was instantly helpful. Understanding the cause seems like it will make breaking the cycle at least a little bit easier. I'm forever having the, "conversations that never happened" in my head. It's exhausting and draining.
I'm certain to be labeled a crackpot after posting this comment, but it happens quite regularly for me. After ruminating about someone for a while they tend to contact me, or show up at my door. So, a technique I use is when I notice myself thinking of the narcissist I say aloud, "Get out of my head!" If I continue to think about the person I repeat the phrase more forcefully and with anger. Seems to work for me. Your mileage may vary.
It doesn't seem crazy to me. I haven't had it happen, but then, I'm probably rare around here in that none of the several malignant narcs I've been damaged by was a romantic partner.
@@bobtaylor170 - A rarity indeed! Sorry for whomever it was that sent you this way…
@@hissyfitz7890 , thank you. They were: a woman I didn't want anything to do with ( which probably does make it a romantic thing ), a lying administrative law judge, and a first cousin who defamed me out of the will of my aunt ( who was not related in any way to him ). All kinds of cockroaches all over the place, aren't there?
@@bobtaylor170 - You’re welcome & yes the cockroaches 🪳 are awful & difficult to get exterminate! (If only!) These days I’m feeling very well healed ❤️🩹 & will be exiting my 7 year NPD programs on UA-cam soon to move on to the best days of my life. I’m cautiously optimistic about the future because there is such an increased AWARENESS & INFORMATION about narcissism available & I feel an energetic shift. 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 Hopefully ALL who should be held accountable will be.
@@hissyfitz7890 , I agree. It is notable how disseminated the information about NPD is becoming, isn't it? Twenty years ago, I thought of the term, "narcissist," as a ridiculing way of saying someone was stuck on himself or herself. It took some hard slaps to knock me into learning about this. I wish I'd known. ( Famous last words. ) But, I'm much wiser, and I've withstood the savagery of these people. I wish brighter, narc - free days for both of us.
I relapsed on ruminating after a few weeks being "clean of it". But just as the horse rider pulls the reins and bring the horse in the right direction i redirected my brain and today is a good day for me.
I know my anxiety is a way for my nervous system to keep me on guard so I let it go through my body, I acknowledge it, I respect it and allow myself to feel it while telling it "don't worry I got this I'm stronger now".
My therapist and I realized a lot of my rumination wasn't rational. For example: I ruminated a lot on how my abusive covert narcissist ex got away with most people thinking he was a nice guy. *The rational* side of me has take over and say: no one lived your life and your friends still like you! Feelings aren't always facts.
This is the best video I've seen on rumination so far that has captured exactly the mental hell one goes through after experiencing narcissistic abuse and/or workplace bullying, as I have. The strategies offered sound doable and I will certainly keep them in mind for the next 'attack'. Thank you for posting it.
You’re welcome hope you find it helpful
i’m currently working on my rumination habits. i’ve struggled with this for a long time. sometimes i can tell the thoughts to stop, and other times i feel like i have no control over it. i got out of an abusive relationship a few months ago. sometimes every thought in my mind is a memory and there isn’t any room for anything new. i want to learn how to be alive again. i feel like i’m stuck
it’s hard to trust myself again after that suffering. it’s hard to trust anybody. i don’t know what moving on would look like. i want to know. i wonder if i re-open the wound so often because i’m afraid i’ll forget how deep the scar was. i guess the irony has been that i can remember clearer the more i heal, the more i give it space
my fellow ruminators, we are strong and vigilant people. we will heal and grow and live, just like we have always done. i believe in you, and i believe in me
One thing that seems to help me somewhat is meditation. I discovered that by accident. When you meditate, you clear your mind. If you meditate regularly, you get better about not indulging certain thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not an instant cure, but it is a tool for the tool box. Plus meditation has a lot of other benefits. It takes practice but it is amazing.
If people are experiencing trauma traditional meditation is hard at the beginning. I found walking meditation much easier.
Oh my gosh...thank you thank you ! So glad I'm not alone.
When I look candidly at my "right now", it's wonderful. Life is quiet, peaceful, orderly, and good. Absolutely no drama, I mean at all. Everything is routine.
ACOA and working the steps has been a game changer. Until I deal with my childhood cptsd and codependency I will continue to attract toxic people. Meditation and reparenting my inner child is a big part of my my recovery. Doesn’t mean I still don’t ruminate, but it’s getting a lot less. Ty
Ive been having this rumination a lot recently. The thinking circles round and round. I stay up all night. I really was desperate to break the cycle, so i started to have a converation out loud, with me being both sides. It really stopped my round and round thinking. Im going to do this more, as it is harmless, and it works for stopping the cyclical feeling in my head.
THANK YOU!!! THAT IS A BRILLIANT IDEA. It makes sense on how the idea could work.
I lost three years of my life to rumination. Every beautiful hike I tried to take to relax me always found me lost in thoughts, not noticing the beautiful scenery. I was left angry and depressed. Finally, I realized that the narcissist would be so happy to see all the pain I was causing myself with the rumination. Now if I find myself slipping, I decide that they are not getting any more of my well-being.
Thank you, this video really resonated with me. I'm trying my best to move forward now. I've learned the things I could learn from it so there's no point in dwelling in the past. I didn't know better but now I do. I won't let my future be ruined by this and focus this energy on becoming a better version of myself instead.
OMG. Word for word exactly how I suffer.
I’ve “adopted” one of you guys as my big sister. Whenever that toxic voice comes up I let her chime in. Things could be better but that helps a lot. It’s like an antivirus. I still want in person help locally though.
Thank you letting go of the past is very important to move forward opposites attract might be true but it doesn't work at least that's what I've learned the past haunting is now explained it's rumination great video very helpful
It seems to me that narcissistic behaviour is a type of emotional or social crime. The perpetrators must be cowards, really, because this mental crime of narcissistic behaviour can be kept invisible or secret very easily and cowards choose that type of crime to commit.
Just really mean.
Being with a narc is like doing time for a crime you didn't commit be your own judge and jury and set yourself free
I appreciate your explanation and general tips for consideration.
Despite the ruminating, I learned three things:
1. Don't ignore the red flags.
2. Don't compromise my values.
3. Most importantly, don't ignore my intuition. What is, is.
A treasure of a video, as always. I love saying I'm and HGV driver, in its own right of course, but the fact my toxic mother condemns it elevates it for me.
What I struggle much more with are the friends I lost while pandering to her. Not that anyone turned their back on me over a dysfunctional family. I sadly neglected them until they gave up. The worst part of that is that I didn't miss any red flags. I ignored them.
I'm going to play this every morning. Thanks for making it short so i can ave the time to do that. Perfect video. Thank you.
This kind of thinking brought me here.
Sometimes I picture putting everything I'm ruminating about in a box and putting it under a compressor where it's smashed to nothing...or putting them in a hot air balloon and watching them float away...and I can't get them back. Weird but it helps, especially before bed.
You're absolutely right, we try to make sense of nonsense. I went out with a narcissist, least said soonest mended. Thanks for your series of videos I find them very useful and interesting
Your advice is very helpful to me and comes from a place of genuine good will, not to mention vast experience in the matter.
I am very glad I found your channel!
P.S. One of these days I will finish your playlist on 'Narcissists'. Thank you!
It's real informative and helpful, and interesting to see that it is rooted in injustice - I cannot see any exception of that rule in general. My experience shows two distinct types: "regret that I should have said this or that instead" and "anger that they are wrong about me". Obviously, to guard one's own heart, it is best to avoid people who think wrongly of you, but what if you can't? As for instance, any child or person dependent on a caregiver is naturally in a position of subordination and is therefore at risk of being condescended and treated unjustly? What about when the abuser is a state entity or collective? What about being so unique and refined in accuracy of opinion that it is impossible that anyone having common thought can think right about me? .... Thanks for the ideas Dr. Magee!
Has taken over 50 years to get to the point where I know it was not my fault, no contact has returned some of my confidence despite the vicious smear campaign . I believe that having a conscience makes you ruminate and go over hurtful situations which Narcissists do not do as they feel no guilt and are devoid of a conscience.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this today. Feeling very bitter and sad
I repeat God's words " I am fearfully and wonderfully made "
Really good advice thank you. This is actually something to work with, not just information.
Your videos give me such peace and encouragement thank you. I will go to a museum tomorrow because it’s what makes me happy, but my narcissistic family thinks art is a waste. I will take your advice !
A difficult situation. Everything he said to me in a meeting where he lost control just kept repeating in my head like it was in a loop. Intimidated, threatened, humiliated blamed all in 23 minutes of what was meant to be a discussion to talk about a financial proposal I had written in response to his proposal.
An excellent video. Great advice. Thank you Darren
I don't have anybody. I feel unlovable and unloved. I cry every day. I have tried so hard and so long to find one person who really cares about me. But there is no one. I grew up in a most dysfunctional and abusive family. I was beaten by my father and my sister. My mother never told me she loved me. I grew up with no feeling of self worth, no encouragement to do well in school, nothing but hiding in the closet when my older siblings had violent fights. I am 73 and don't feel like I can dig myself out of this pit.
The only gal I thought was my friend, umm sort of. I pretended she was really my friend, but I always knew she really wasn't. She has been telling me for years that I am just too sensitive. I see now that she doesn't care for me. As she walked away from our library meeting yesterday, it hit me like a ton of bricks. She only wanted me to go to different activities with her, and she would leave the minute it was over. I feel stupid and also a great loss of something that was never real.
I did try to just shift my thoughts away from her and made a solid decision to walk away from these activities. I will find other things to do. I will always be there for the people who hurt me, but I will not seek their company.
I have no idea what my point is, but I'm working hard to find myself in this mess.
I am grateful to you for understanding me so well. My brother has caused my rumination problem who is a horrible narcissist. Thanks for your valuable advice. It's of Great help
Thank you for another thoughtful, helpful video. I have found that the ruminating is fed by unforgiveness. After making the conscious choice and effort to forgive them (not because they deserve it but because I deserve it), it became much easier not to keep rehashing past treatment by them.
Thank you Darren. Ypu explain this so well. I struggled recovering from my divorce and more especially psychological/emotional abuse from my father, which was triggered by my marriage. It has been 10 long years, but I can now safely say I have released them both.
Bravo! You're really good. Listening to somebody not only having expertise but also experience add a lot of invisible connection.
Thanks. I find that time helps. I actually don't ruminate as much. But after 29 years one would think it would have stopped a long time ago. But all I can say is, it is better. At the beginning it was constant and I simply could not control it. Eventually, I was able to take hold of it and start praying, as praying helped me to focus on something else and also asking for relief, which I would get for a time and then, it would start again. Especially at bedtime. With time I was able to start praying sooner and not ruminate as long. Now, I actually have times when I do not think about it at all and that is like a fresh spring breeze blowing in by ever increasing holes, of the dark cell, this experience has left me with. I think the ruminating helps with the healing. Lets face it, we have been through something extremely difficult, years of something extremely difficult. No matter what regrets I have, I have to admit I have a 100% better life now. I came to realize (eventually - it took years) that God delivered me from an unbearable situation.
Thanks for addressing this issue. Lately ive obsessed over the past too much
VERY LENGTHY COMMENT ALERT!!!
Most of my thoughts seemed to be triggered by whatever I was feeling at the time. For instance I felt hurt, betrayed, foolish, angry, etc. So what really helped me was recognizing that I can change my way of thinking and making a conscious effort to take captive every thought (emotional) when it came and replacing it with logic - something that was factual. I made myself view everything as it was, not as I had hoped it would be, it used to be or how he promised it was going to be....in the way that you would view the relationship if it was your best friend who was going through it. Just as I would speak to my friend, I'd tell myself things that were entirely based in reality and logic. Other things that helped: * positive affirmations- it's awesome that I was able to love and be good to someone who was so awful, this will pass, I will heal and never have to go through this again, and at the end of the day I thought on how I was one more day closer to it all being behind me * reminded myself of how I was before him and started becoming her again and doing things I used to do * made short term achievable goals * made myself get up and get busy on something- cleaning out a closet, stripping the floors... anything other than wasting time on all the unproductive thinking. No thought can change anything that happened. So I forced myself to just accept it - I had to do this daily for a while until it actually stuck. * I journaled in a notebook that also included writing a lot of letters to him (not to send, just express what I felt and get out what I wanted to say) this was esp helpful to maintain no contact when I'd receive a random email or text - I'd respond in my notebook * I took one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time and forced myself to see time and life for how precious it is and be totally present and experience my moments with gratitude. That helped with creating major dislike of ruminating. I never liked it, but I think we kind of hold on to doing it because it provides a false sense of comfort since it keeps us attached and deep down we don't really want to let go (remember that we are addicted and our brains will try anything to get a fix and what better way to get you back to it than constant thinking on it). Another thing that I tried was tricking my brain into less and less by setting aside a certain time of day (that I knew I'd be busy) to dedicate 10-15 minutes just for ruminating. So every time I started to ruminate I'd remind myself I had an appointment at 6 for that and do some busy work to keep focus elsewhere. When 6 came I made myself stop what I was doing and ruminate, which was aggravating and unpleasant because I had a bunch of other things going on like cooking supper, helping kids with homework, etc. After forcing myself to do it at the set time a few days, it was such a nuisance that I started skipping those 'appointments'. So I'd go all day putting it off temporarily with reassurance that I'd get to at 6 but then really have no time for it. And since I had stayed so busy during the day, I was exhausted by bed time and if I had any time to think before I passed out it was how awesome it was to have made it a whole day ... I can do this! And last, I prayed... a LOT and dove in to my Bible to remind myself of God's promises, His definition of me, and with a desire to restore my relationship with Him. I started seeking Him more than I was seeking justice or answers or anything else. I fully trusted in Him for everything. It wasn't easy. It took time and conscious effort and determination and believing in myself and in God- even when it seemed so much easier to just give up. Today I no longer care why it happened and I can even say that I am glad it did because it brought me closer to Him and grew my faith in ways nothing else could. Honestly, I believe He was the cure. I hope something in this helps somebody. My heart breaks for you if you're going through this. I've been there and will never forget the suffering I endured. There is hope... don't give up. I'm praying for you.
I love that quote about the birds nest. I struggle with rumination a lot. I have Bipolar disorder and I often think, after the fact, that I could have done things differently. Normally, it keeps me awake at night. Perhaps it lasts for a few days.
With the Nex, of course, it lasted longer. I find myself able to let go more often. To know that he doesn't care what I think or what I would or may say to him. He has moved on and I am now moving on.
I make sure I watch one rubbish horror movie a night. I listen to my favourite music and most importantly, I leave the dishes over night. The guilt of leaving them and him getting on at me about them, is slowly dissipating. I can do the dishes any time I want, not according to his schedule!
I listen to guided meditation vids at night, Sleep Talk Down by Jason steaphenson works a treat check it out
@@dub1951 thank you, I'll give it a go. However, I have been an insomniac since I was a child and have tried millions of meditations. Hopefully this will work 🙏
Just watched this . 😳😪😢 this is what I am currently going through. At the moment. I want to untangle my mind of what is in it . But it's so hard . 😔
I might be approaching a Ph.D. in rumination. Great topic and thanks for the tips to get out of it. Excellent suggestions. Right now, I'm very happy I tuned into Darren Magee.
I have double majors; PhD in Rumination & Narcissistic Personality Disorder! 🤭🤭🤭
@@hissyfitz7890 Actually, me too. I've been studying NPD because I have 4 in my family and I'm the scapegoat. Went "No Contact" 19 years ago. I felt, in my soul, it was the only thing to do. Had many years of doubt, but now I know it was a necessity. How about you? Had to learn NPD to survive? Not to pry, and sorry if the question feels that way.
@@bonnieforman9700 - Surviving BOTH parents with NPD has been a lifelong effort! It’s been a journey well worthwhile & I’m at the end of that journey, preparing to let it all go & trusting that I am well informed. Yes, I’ve been limited contact most of my life, even as a child I had many sleepovers with friends. In our HS Yearbook we had to choose ONE WORD to describe our feelings about our future; mine was “DOUBTFUL”.🫤
I was also sent away each summer for 7 years to another narcissistic family member (aunt & cousin) who were unmistakably disturbed. The aunt I considered to be a malignant narcissist (by memory) & my cousin hung herself on Easter Sunday at the age of 45 while still living at home with that horrific mother.
Fortunately (!!!) my mother passed in 1976; she too was a piece of work with Silent Treatments, suicide threats, physical, emotional & sexual abuse. I can only imagine what her childhood must have been like yet I saw that she KNEW THE THINGS SHE DID WERE WRONG because we were frequently admonished to keep it secret from the neighbors.
Dad was similar to mom but specialized in incessant belittling as well as incessant sexual inappropriateness & abuse (to me only - I was his favorite 🙄) He remarried a year after mom died & moved 700 miles away; chose no contact with everyone unless they contacted him. When I was 25, I flew down to his place for a weekend specifically to confront him on his sexual abuse. I waited until his wife went to bed and addressed it (she was an awesome human being). He actually cried & apologized & that was enough.
He passed in 2002 & I did take care of him for the 5 months of end of life issues. He did NOT change & I did NOT EXPECT that he would but it was wonderful to be able to face my demon as an adult; it validated so many childhood traumas. He did have some brief moments of humanity over that time period & I was able to stand up to any belittling that he threw my way. 🤨
I have 4 siblings, all of whom are in the Cluster B category. I would take ‘breaks’ & essentially be no contact for a few years, then revisit to see if any ‘growth’ or ‘insight’ had occurred. Each decision to go NO CONTACT permanently was gut wrenching but necessary for me as I could not deal with their pathology & the way they parented. It’s been > 15 years since the FINAL sibling chose to discard me after I confronted her on HER BEHAVIORS. This particular time she wanted to dictate MY WILL TO ME! 🤦🏻♀️ She had a narcissistic rage episode (temper tantrum) & that was that. 🤷🏻♀️
I’ll be 70 next year… am happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Am off all antidepressants, sleep meds, anxiety meds & have NO MORE INSOMNIA! No contact worked wonders as did the UA-cam videos/podcasts.
Good luck in your journey! 🪷🪷🪷
@@hissyfitz7890 As long as your comment was, I wish you had written more. I can't believe you actually got an apology from your perpetrator. Mine denied everything until the day he died and never apologized. If he had, it would have helped me tremendously. My whole family threw me out after I revealed his behavior to two siblings even though they knew what he was. (My father was played by Jack Nicholson in the movie "Witches of Eastwick. The character was Satan. In real life, my father was a sex addict, exhibitionist, pedophile, and more. My father was friends with the author, John Updike, and John wrote the book about my father's simultaneous affairs with 3 women in town. Little did John know what other deviance he committed. His book was a candy-coated version of my Dad and the movie was a candy-coated version of book.) My whole family remains in denial except my brothers because to go back into that pain was too much for them to bear. My savior was 5 years with a great therapist and many other healing modalities over the course of 20. But, I just want to be done in my brain. I am so happy for you and you inspire me at 65 to finally stop ruminating on my family's inability to look at the truth and use Magee's suggestion to stay in the moment, stop the thoughts in their tracks and live my life in the present. Good luck to you. And may we both find and create peace.
@@bonnieforman9700 - 😂😂😂 Written more??? Was thinking a memoir for the family so that other generations can possibly understand where it came from but then again, I’m really done with it all. Most, like you experienced, wouldn’t believe it anyway. No John Updike here; recall I didn’t like “The Witches of Eastwick”… Have one REAL DEVIL to claim to know; he even had dinner in our home (with his daughter & son-in-law BEFORE I knew his history. He was F. Lee Bailey’s hit man! When he died a few years ago, some mafia connected police had to go remove all the guns & ammunition. My true life story would never be believed.
Yes, I was lucky that he apologized the ONE TIME; none of the others did & I sincerely appreciate how it has helped in my healing. ❤️🩹 But then… over 20 years later when he was getting treatment for pancreatic cancer we were distracting him by playing card games. In the middle of one, he looked at me & gestured his tongue between his index & middle fingers… 🤦🏻♀️ a BIL saw it & laughed! WTF? Dad said; “I can’t help it; you have that effect on me.” A leopard DOESN’T change his spots. 🤢🤢🤢
Am quite proud of how I handled myself throughout & married great guy who I’ve known for 49 years & been married to for 40 of them. He’s younger, so was ‘jail bait’ back then; had to wait until he grew up. We have an awesome relationship that I could never have imagined but consider it to be my karma. He retires September 1st !!! ❤️❤️❤️
Were you born in 1957? That’s when hubby was born! (1953 for me.)
Be well, at peace ☮️ & happy!
I’m glad I found your videos. This one and the one on the insidious nature of covert narcissism have been the most helpful. Deep thanks.
Wow, Thank you Kind Sir, for this insight,I appreciate this, God bless you!
it must be practically ilegal to put your videos on 1.25X, such great insights need to be appreciated slowly and carefuly
Wise words thank you.
That writing-down-thing seems to be the by far best comment I've ever heard. Otherwise I use (as a computer teacher) to advice people that have some kind of chaos in their life to write down things in order to organize their thoughts, or to end their working day in an orderly fashion.
Hi I love your channel thank you for helping people to break free from narcissist abuse God bless you sir be safe blessings👍😁🌎❤️👏🏻✝️🇺🇸
I found it very healing to write it all down on paper. In the margins I wrote about what I was believing about myself and others and how I felt. Then I wrote down a better belief for each thing that I believed. I prayed and asked God to help me forgive the people who had harmed me. I asked God to forgive me for believing falsely and to help me see myself and others the way God sees us. I also wrote down what it impacted; pride, financial security, fear, relationships, sexual relationships, self esteem. I wrote down a few things that I could do to improve in these areas.
I shared this information with another person who I trust and got their feedback. Then I had them read it as if it was me and I was helping them. Suddenly I had compassion for the person in the story which was really myself and I realized that I had actually come through a very difficult situation and I didn’t need to be so hard on myself. I would never have judged someone else with the same criteria as I was judging myself. I saw that they were still worthy of being loved and in that I saw that I was also worthy of being loved.
It’s on paper now and if I feel like I need to ruminate on it again I can just get my notes out and look at it again. Otherwise it doesn’t need to be in my mind constantly, I won’t forget it because I wrote it down. Any good lessons that can come from remembering it so it won’t happen again and hurt like that again, I can get back by reading what the lessons were again.
Now when I remember it my mind can’t just go through the same things that it did before without jumping to the lessons and the new beliefs. It’s a new and improved track for my mind to run on. As the lessons are incorporated into who I am I feel myself letting myself let it go.
If you are stuck there then do something new. Try what I did and let your mind process it correctly instead of wrestling with it the same old way that doesn’t work. Teach your low brain and cognitive brain to start working together instead of one or the other. The low brain reacts to the potential danger and sends the red flags. Pay attention and send the message to the cognitive brain to help get a better perspective and a better solution. Then you can calm down the low brain because it’s under control.
Det är viktigt att förstå innan du släpper det och går vidare
Smiles Heres to Workin Smarter Not Harder 💞🧚♀️
I like this video, I have been working on being myself,the way I use to be.my husband narc.hates it,but I've been doing anyway.ive been feeling much stronger more aware of things
This one's apparently a particularly good one, given that it even brings across to me a bit of an angle that's kind of "forbidden", so to speak. "The untouchable yet bothering" is surely a common phenomenon for the here mentioned reasons, but also one that I believe that I've come to contribute to within my life by (1) having to realise that otherwise heavily supported and confirmed narcissists will never be reached by those who's had to give up on them what mutual respect concerns, and (2) by underestimating the importance of avoiding to deal with or aquireing not to deal with the dangerous falsehood and the evil images adopted by such people. People who for instance would often inform to be "taking pleasure in standing steady" within the conflicts that they prefere to drag some of us into. Which they will prefere how ever this harms the health and the lifes of those "chosen" not to allow themselves to claim their own borders, of cause, and hence the harm. We all need to deal with such harmfull phenomenon in order not to get stuck with the need for such well and suiting advices as given here, as luck of the type that leads to finding them tends to be rarer the more they're needed, judging by my experience.
I find your content to be highly valuable. Thank you
I always get more insight with your videos. Thank you!
Thank you! I took notes as this is particularly a problem for me. 🙏🏼👏🏻🥰
All your videos are helpful and being able to plant yourself where there is everything you need to live the life you should be.
Heartfelt thanks.
Great video. I will highly recommend to all the people who have such a situation. I was been there. So i can relate 100 percent with it.
To get out of my head, I look around and name the objects around me. White table, red and pink bricks, a pretty tree, etc ...
Thank You for your talk today..I’m going to try to put these thoughts into action..my brain is sometimes like a runaway train totally out of control..It can be so soul destroying and very hard to calm..the annoying thing is that the people responsible seem to be doing just fine.
Try also You Tube's "Doctor Ramani"
@@rileyhoffman6629 Thank you, I will indeed.
May I also add The Little Shaman to your list; have whittled mine down over the past 7 years.
@@hissyfitz7890 Thanyou..I was just watching Doctor Ramani which was also recommended to me..She's very good..I will watch yours after this..Many thanks.
@@taraann7753 - You’re welcome! ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Just what I needed! Thank you!
Simply thank you!
Thanks for your solid straightforward kindness!
Thank you for this informative, helpful and healing video, Darren. Rumination took over my life for a time. I learn so much from your videos. 🙏 ☮️ 💕 ☀️
My most empowering epiphany was realizing that I could control my own narrative. I didn't have to use The narrative of those who abused me.
You are so right!!!, Thank you.
Thank you. I needed this to understand and begin to move on.
Great video, thanks Darren.
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you. This is very helpful.
Thank you for another wonderful video Darren!
So lovely..... Thank you 😘
It’s very difficult to let go when the adult child has ghosted parents and taken any hope of seeing the grandchildren.
Everywhere I go I see children with grandparents, all my friends talk about their activities with their grandchildren so I stay home to avoid the triggers. We weren’t allowed to see grandchildren much before unless they decided when, where, always on their time, but at least we had some contact. Rumination after discard is horrid, lack of sleep, tears, mind never rests. This is the 3rd time they have done this to us…our fault for allowing it back, to see the grandkids, but never gets any easier. I believe this time is final…Your video helps, will try your advice, thank you
Useful to know and remember.
Thank you
Excellent advice, so many people need to hear this