The narcissist's birthday obsession
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- Опубліковано 19 чер 2024
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It is amazing how so many people who are strangers have had almost the exact same experience with a narcissist.
Unbelievable.
Narcissists are so weird in that they are very cookie cutter. It doesn't matter the age, gender, religion, nationality or race.
You can almost predict what they'll do and how they'll do it
It’s a Spirit
Like they are a species of their own .
Interesting point. Well spotted
Oh boy!!! This is the first true test if someone is a narc. They try their best to ruin your birthday and get extra dramatic about their own.
Exactly!!
Facts
TRUTH
Truth!
💯
It’s hard to wrap my head around that kind of behavior because the attention from birthdays always just made me uncomfortable, even as a kid
I appreciate people who says happy birthday but that is enough, I mean.... We dont need to make a big fuss out of it
Same.
Agreed!
Having to listen to a room full of people sing "Happy Birthday" to me is an unbearable 30 seconds lol
@@flashypork Indeed. I'd have to walk out!
On my 40th birthday, none of my family really even acknowledged it. But then, we were out someplace about two months later, and my ex starts bragging about how he through me this huge birthday party for me on my birthday and how much fun it was. I just remember looking at him, and asking who or which woman did he take, because I didn't even get a Happy Birthday on my birthday? A month later I took my kids and went to a DV shelter at the recommendation of my therapist.
I'll bet your ex is elated.
@@barronvonschneider2834 I bet your demons inside of you elated keeping you toxic.
On my 30 birthday today they make salty comments like you are old now, or I in your age had 2 kids and build a home ... Nothing positive just to make you to feel worse and worthless ...
I remember this happened to a good friend of mine I was not in the same state... But she literally cried to me that no one threw her a freaking birthday party for a huge milestone birthday 😢 it was either her 40 or 50, I literally cannot remember...she was especially sad bc her own "best friend" did literally NOTHING for her huge milestone birthday either, which was really odd. I was so sad for her because she hosted SO MANY PARTIES over the years and we all hung out at her house. It made me realize that whole group of friends were kinda self centered and fair weather friends, and I told her if I had been in town I would have.
I find that mine never gave me even a card so I threw it back and still will but hopefully soon it'll be dead ..😊
It has boiled down to this for me; they ruin everything. A day, an event, an appointment, a weekend, a vacation, whatever. I'm glad I'm old enough to claim to be a hermit and just go about my life now. Other people's drama has left me drained.
I'm understanding all of this now! Everything! Parties!Gigs! Things get ruined! With clinical precision. I recognize the chain of events whenever I appear to be happy in front of my narc. I check each box in sequence as it all pours down like silver! Except now I relish my own life enough to see my narc for what they are. My secret name to myself is Lord Grey Rock.
Your wedding!! Nothing is beyond a narcs ability to try to destroy. So, so, sick.
@@lawrencefeldman7744 awesome!!! Lol 👑
Yeah they ruin everything. You cant tell them your fav items cause they'll destroy it. If you have an interview or important event, they wont let you sleep. Anything you get them for their bday is not good enough. Fuck them!
@@brittbot1 you have to cut them out of your life or have razor sharp boundaries. This is why I haven’t been back home in years. 😬
I have so many friends who celebrate their “birthday month” and “treat” themselves the whole 30 or so days and constantly remind everyone via social media. I think we live in a narcissistic society.
I have been thinking the same, and now keep all narcissistic people out of my personal space, avoid them in public and have learned to fire doctors, bankers and mechanics with tendencies.
I would call this immaturity, maybe ignorance. Celebrating the "month" has become a socially acceptable excuse for doing things we wouldn't do otherwise.
Healthy birthday month celebration’s are not bad, it’s the context of that celebration that can be unhealthy. Just my perspective on it. But yes I do wholeheartedly agree with you on that we live in a very narcissistic society 👍
@@michwashington There is nothing “healthy “ about an adult celebrating their birthday for an entire month. It’s the epitome of narcissism. 🤦♀️
I think it's low class for people that tell me over and over again, don't forget it's my birthday in September or whatever month, and then they say it again and again and it's followed by so let's get together. I've been overly generous to these folks and I started to think they are expecting me to pay for all of our festivities all night. Do they act like that for my birthday? Do they remember when it is? Not. I need to treat them like they treat me from now on..not givers, they don't reciprocate so why just be the giver, the lifter the one they go to to cry on my shoulder? They don't have time to listen to my stuff..
done
This has weirdly comforted me over the fact I dislike celebrating my birthday 😂 it’s just exhausting and I can’t stand the attention!
Yes!!
Me too so I'm not one lol
Glad it’s not only me 😊
I hear so many women complaining about their birthdays on social media it's insane. I've seen one girl say that other women are "fake friends" for not taking off work for their birthdays or not going out of their way to make it to their birthday parties. I honestly think some people do not mature past the age of 14 years old.
Same, and I don't care if people forget. They will also not know I got older! 🎉
Just escaped a 3 year relationship with one. Holy crap, I would be up for days stressing about her bday, and it always ended in a huge tantrum. Mine would go by with barely a mention. Once she made me a birthday dinner and then spent the next few days telling me how much I owed her for making me dinner...
Wtf. Good thing you dropped her.
You really dodged a bullet with that one!
Male or female? (Your ex)
Omgosh!!
Same. My ex narc would stress that he doesn’t celebrate his birthday yet book a cruise or vacation for it; hmmm🤔
If he celebrated mine, same experience. He’d say I wasn’t grateful, happy enough. That I was lucky and ANY woman would be happy to have what he did for me.
I had to put up with one for 15 years before I finally left her! I hated her birthday and knew I had to spend a lot of money and do something for her like she didn’t already have Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, anniversary, Christmas,… Just insane
A narcissists birthday is the most monumental day in the history of the world. It's the day when the golden elite was born. All bow.
Agree. My sister began this at a very young age. Less than 10 years old. My narc mother fed into it and my sister celebrated her birthday for basically a month. I was born in December and got half a day, lol. Seen the same in other narcs. One person I've known for 30 years, I've stopped wishing Happy Birthday at all and I'm sure he's bewildered. I know he's purposely not acknowledged mine so I'm returning the favor.
It’s their birthday month, don’t forget about that.
Lol, very true😂
On her birthday celebration she was so happy! Two days before my birthday she broke up with me I was devastated!
@@user-pc9xn1dc9l Be happy she’s out of your life. There are others amongst us where the horror will never finish.
I'm now realizing the reason I dread birthdays and special occasions isn't just the ominous and looming aging aspect, it's being used to having them get ruined by narcs
Same
They can actually make me physically ill. I know why but still cant control it.
Right?
Yup. Same
I agree! Birthdays are terrible and giving flowers and wishes shouldn't be mandatory. Same with other holidays. When everybody is dressed up and the car is ready to go and mom plops on the couch, turns on the TV, and says "We're not going anywhere today. Take off your clothes and relax." Relax? Relatives are waiting for us, food is all cooked, and you want me to relax with so much tension at home?
I have had my birthday deleted from Facebook for years now just because I didn’t want a bunch of attention lol. Years ago I took some sort of a narcissist test that would score you from 0 to 40 (the higher the number, the more narcissistic you are). My score was a 1 😂. I took the test because an ex boyfriend had used that word for me in a lengthy text message. Years later I now know he was self-projecting.
I was accused of being passive aggressive when I didn’t comply with his delusional demands. Years later I realised it wasn’t me who was being passive aggressive…
Also, took my birthday off of Facebook. Having been in relationships with narcissists you can begin to wonder if it's you. When I said that to my therapist, he laughed and told me I was far from it. Gaslighting will do that to you.
My ex was a narcissist. The funny thing is - yes, he definitely expected a big deal for his birthday - but he loved to make a big deal of MY birthday, whether I wanted it or not. (And I'm one of those people that could do without a celebration at all, but a cake and a few family members is fine, too).
But it became obvious that he didn't want to do these big things for my birthday for *my* sake (because he knew I preferred peace and quiet) - he wanted to do these things that involved a lot of people because he wanted them to praise him for being such a thoughtful, considerate person. If we did a small event, there weren't many people to take note of how amazing he was for doing it.
And that's how he was with *everything*. It was always about the praise he'd get for his efforts.
Can you believe my covert narcissist ex acted NORMAL on my birthday last year. Like that was my gift.. he cosplayed as a decent person, a “normal” partner for that day. Kissing me throughout the day randomly (never ever kissed or hugged me for any reason), being thoughtful, took me shopping at my favorite store. When he would come over and randomly kiss me that day I remember feeling super suspicious and weird. My mother is a covert narc and was the same way, her random moments of affection were bizarre and unprovoked etc so I had the same reaction of freezing up, looking around the room visibly confused etc. I straight up asked him “what’s with the kissing hugging etc today?” He really said with a straight face “it’s your birthday!!!” SO YOU KNEW HOW TO BEHAVE ALL THIS TIME AND GIFTED ME A DAY OF NORMALCY FOR MY BIRTHDAY?!?! they’re sick , I’m sorry
Cosplaying being normal lol. I was trying to explain to someone recently that it was actually the positive moments or “normal” moments that were the most confusing. Like, the craziness seemed obviously but everything else made the craziness seem less crazy, if that makes sense
Indeed they are. NPD is literally a mental illness
My ex gave me a “normal” Valentine Day once. So bizarre. I was thinking “wow he can actually be normal”
@@sabrai1 I should be thankful mine ruined all of my valentines every one
@@crashlikewaves I'm living out exactly that situation right now with my ex. Sadly, I think it makes perfect sense to anyone who's been through it. The "normal" moments make it hard to believe the really awful stuff could really have gotten that bad. It's hard to reconcile being shifted from "evil" (something she literally called me yesterday) to "good" and treated accordingly so frequently and with so little reason.
My ex narcissist husband scarred me in the very early dating stage. We were college students. On his birthday I surprised him with flowers at a bookstore he worked for. He was so angry that I was there. I was shocked and hurt and very confused on the subway ride home. He wanted me to read his mind. He wanted me to take him out to dinner and didn’t like what I did. I thought he would be happy to see me. The humiliation alone should have been my moment to walk away but I was so naive back then.
How long were you married to that a-hole? What a bad behaviour, poor you! I can only guess how you felt.
I saw a meme once. If you put flowers in an a$$ hole it doesn’t make him a vase. Some folks just can’t cope with wonderful
What a fricken shit thing he did…that’s super nasty…
My narc friend is nowhere close to that bad, yet his life completely fell apart over 20 years. I hate to think how much you went through with your guy. My niece has the perfect personality to get preyed on by one of these insects. I'm trying to figure out how to prevent it.
@@rob6115 Thank you for making me laugh. with that hilarious meme.
This video came out of the blue and hit the nail on the head. The impending birthday month was always a time of stress for me because I knew what was coming. An onslaught of stress, a time where no one else on the planet exists except her. And it was never one day. It was an entire month of birthday overkill. Every single person encountered had to be told. The examination of gifts was always excruciating. The list goes on and on the last day of the month I would be told (every year) I made her birthday the most miserable time she’s ever had. I ruined everything. And I never even did anything.
😢
I will be honest: I was raised by a narcissistic father and still fear that his behavior has rubbed off on me - because I know for sure some has that I fight daily. That is why I clicked on these videos - to better myself, and see if I do any of these things, and if so, to be aware of it and improve.
On this topic - I long preferred that my birthdays went unnoticed, even as young as 5/6 years old, where I tried to escape the party/parties that my parents tried to throw for me. On the other hand, my father was OBSESSED with his birthday, and almost, if not every video I have seen so far describes his behavior to a T.
It is my wife who finally allowed me to enjoy my birthday. I still don't feel good about it and I dread its arrival - but she makes it more than bearable... it is downright enjoyable.
@paulgaither enjoy every birthday to the hilt you deserve every moment
I'm glad you found a new family who treat you right.
Same about the upbringing and concerns about exhibiting his behavior. It's a fair concern but also something that by being aware of the problem and actively trying to not mirror his influence it sounds like you have mostly in check. That's about as good as guys like us get on this ride.
I had my birthday last week and I went and got myself good dinner and had it alone in my room, and it made me extremely happy.
Edit: Thank you so much for all your positive messages and birthday messages. You made me happy one month after the comment.
Happy Belated Birthday!!
Just go tell your parents u love them on your birthday haha what u doing blacking out at bar
@@sadhu7191 having dinner by yourself is blacking out at a bar?
Perfecto :) says a lot about u that u are not complaining and also u are strong
Yes! That is how I prefer my bday these days.
One of her birthdays I was determined to hit it out of the park - to do right all the things I usually "do wrong." After the special card starting the day, then the farmer's market, babysitting arranged, reservation made at nice restaurant, and time on the beach at the end. I felt I finally did it right. She cried because I didn't have the kids make cards.
Goddamn.
Oh my god. That is ridiculous.
You went above and beyond, if no one has told you that yet.
😂
Did you tell her to blame her lazy, uncaring, selfish kids for not making her cards? Then you could bond over the ensuing punishment you unleash on them.
Wooooooooooow. I hope you're kidding. Otherwise, clearly nothing is ever enough so why bother. It's never enough to make her happy. Clearly.
I had a friend once that used to make a huge deal about her birthday every year. She would plan these expensive dinner events and all this other stuff. I got tired of feeling like I was forced to pay up and participate.
My Dad always trashed mine and my siblings birthdays. I recall when I was eight years old and he found a way to get upset over literally nothing. Anyway, he slapped a two-pence piece on my desk and told me it was my birthday present ...and it was! I've always hated birthdays ever since because each one was traumatic in its own way ... although, I went to Sri Lanka for my 40th and spent it up Sigiriya. It broke the spell!
My dad trashed every holiday as a kid. I always thought that's why I didn't like holidays, especially Christmas.
Yep, dads are the worst. I had a crappy dad like that too. I never celebrate my birthday.
My father was a textbook Narcissit...fit every trait, engaged in gaslighting etc...
Our family is spread over a large area so many of us cannot go to all get-togethers.
A few years ago it was my mom's birthday and for the first time in 20 years everyone was there. This seemed amazing & special since such a gathering was so rare.
It was a pleasant visit with no drama but my father seemed unusually quiet.
About a week later he called every one of us & shouted that he no longer considered any of us family, did not want to ever see or speak to us again & to never call him & would not explain why.
I spoke with every member of our family & not a single person had any idea as to what had caused this. Then my wife, who as an outsider often has a more objective point of view, asked the question; Do you think your father was jealous because this gathering was about your MOTHER and not about HIM?
Oh MaN! 😳 ... 🤯 the childish tantrum of a narcissist
Sometimes the narcessist gives you the gift you so realy wanted all your life . That they never want to see you again. That in itself is a gift you must accept.
Your wife is brilliant and insightful. Never cease to cherish her. 🤗
@@SakuraMoonflower Thank you and believe me...I truly do!
Wow, The people in the comments ate your story up. There seems to be no actual proof for his behavior and was mere speculation in the end. But yeah let's throw'em on the narcissistic boat lol
I used to care a lot about my birthday and I would get really hurt when people would forget it. I also realized that I’ve been grasping for love and acceptance because I didn’t have it when I was a child. As I’ve been dealing with my baggage, it’s become less important to me.
Yes, I was this way too, or rather I wanted it to be oh so special, and I feel so ashamed. But okay, I had some bad experiences on My B-days though. But now I don't feel much about it. But the big 30 is coming up in a year, don't want it. I think I am going on a trip so I can't feel hurt about it 😂😅 Just get it over with.
How is feeling bad about people close to you not caring about your birthday "baggage"?
Same
I felt this too and always thought that I was narcissistic but it was because my family never made a big deal out of my birthday but instead would make a big deal of my younger brothers bday which was a few days before mine. They never celebrated mine but always celebrated his. I don't need their acceptance anymore.
I'm still feeling like this because I have never had a cake, I never have gifts for my bday but my friends, we have to plan 2 or 3 birhday parties, some of them even last a whole day. And I feel bad because no one cares about mine. But my psychologist is teaching me to let those feeling go. At the end of the day, the only person who is gonna care about me is me
This is quite interesting. I’m autistic and have a great deal of trouble determining what other people’s motivations are for these things, so I’m often completely bewildered by why some people I know make SUCH a big deal about their birthday.
One acquaintance of mine posts all kinds of things about her birthday on social media. She’ll post things like, "It’s exactly six months until my birthday!" "It’s a month until my birthday!" "My birth month has started" "only a week until my birthday!" All things like that. Her actual birthday celebrations begin the weekend before her birthday and go on until about a week after her birthday. Parties at her house, with the biggest blowout on the actual day. Dinners our with many people. A big party that she throws for herself at work. It baffles me since I don’t ever like to be the center of attention. I know some people do like that, but I’ve never known anyone who does things on this scale.
Now that you’ve pointed out the connection between narcissists and the desire big birthday celebrations, some things are starting to make sense. This acquaintance of mine is the perpetual victim, always posting about how terrible her childhood was, how awful everyone is to her, how her adult children hate her for no reason, etc. I used to feel sorry for her, but the constant blaming of others for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life got old and I started wondering just how much of her troubles she’s brought on herself. She "can’t help" the way she treats others because of how abused she was as a child. She has no idea why her son won’t allow her to see her grandchildren anymore; he’s just mean and vindictive and is doing it to punish her for something he thinks she’s done…which might be true. He might want to keep her behavior from rubbing off on the grandchildren.
Now I see that it’s possible she has a narcissistic personality. She gets very angry when her friends does the slightest thing to upset her, but she expects them to remain her friend and acts horrible hurt if the "turn against" her.
Guess I’ll remain at a distance. She keeps inviting me to come to her big backyard parties, but I HATE being in groups of people I don’t know so I always politely decline. I’ve wondered if I’m missing out on making a new friend, but I think I now see that I’m not missing out on anything except hurt feelings and way too much drama…
You have excellent insights for being on the autism spectrum. My grandson, 12, is ASD and does have a hard time sensing how others feel or why they behave as they do. You give me hope that he can do the inner work to figure others out. Blessings!
I think birthdays need to be celebrated. I love celebrating my families birthdays and often celebrate their days over the weekend for my kids. My family also puts on a thoughtful meal and cake for me. I feel it’s just a memory and it’s precious- the kids love it.
Why is a birthday such a big deal. I can't stand my family member who always makes such a big deal out of a birthday. Get a cake and have a small gathering of family and don't make such a big deal. Kids love it because you taught them to. Be more humble.
@@linjicakonikon7666 I don't get triggered. Watch the video. Only a narc goes all out for birthdays. It's just another day.
@@networth00that's not accurate. The video doesn't say only narcs are like that.
Some people love their birthday because their parents never celebrated it. Some people like it because their parents didnt love them at all and this is their way of feeling loved. Some people like it because culture likes birthdays.
It's not about being humble. It's good to celebrate and feel loved by those you love.
Actually, you telling somebody else be to humble over something like this makes you seem bitter, not humble.
I know quite a few adults that have “ Birthday months” they literally start telling you their birthday is coming months beforehand and then celebrate themselves the whole month. It’s bizarre to me.
I remember seeing some teen girls have birthday weeks in high school. Man if I saw that shit nowadays, it would be sad.
I know someone who claimed his entire month. but then he had two kids and a grandkid in his birthday month.😂
@@phantompop3192 Ours did a week, too. It was just a family thing, though. I understand the sentiment behind it, but I wouldn’t want to do it for my future kids. It’s a bit much. One day is fine, thanks. 😂
@@phantompop3192 they are a bad seed, and contaminate everything
I used to celebrate a birthday week - I would do special things for myself each day, like self-care, and do volunteer work or make donations and do random acts of kindness. I love my birthday! I also do this for the people in my life who think it's fun. Please don't assume everyone who loves birthdays is a narcissist.
OMG this resonated so deeply. I was born on my mother’s birthday. EVERYONE who heard that was so excited: they’d gush ‘how rare, how wonderful, blah, blah, blah.’ There are not enough words in the history of language that describe how much she made me pay for the mistake of taking away her spotlight on that day. It took awhile but the boundaries I was forced to erect remained completely inviolate: they helped me survive & ultimately thrive. She hated them & tried to cross them but I remained consistent: at the very least I could celebrate my birthday how I wanted to in peace.
I have a narcissistic twin sister. Totally get it. 💙
@@BigHeartNoBS uhm... Is it same DNA twins? I think the clinical term is "omozygotic"?
@@BigHeartNoBS I wonder if narcissists are Born (DNA) or made (upbringing). Either way, it's strange that only 1 of 2 twins with same DNA and, supposedly, same parents and upbringing becomes a narcissist. Unless the parents play favorites, Golden child dynamics sort of things.
I think this is proof my mom isn't narcissistic, I was also born on the same day as my mother and she wanted to celebrate my birthdays first hand.
@@sergiom3988 It is 30% genetic actually. But 60% is due to development. Some scientists argue that narcissists are actually a perfect adaptation to become politicians.
You learn who cares about you on your birthday, i truly believe your birthday is the test. If your family gives full attention to other members of the family but nothing for yours, it's definitely a power move.
My Mum & my sister were both like this! It wasn't until I saw this that it made sense. Mum has passed now & I've cut ties with the rest of my family. I spent a lifetime trying to get it right for both of them and never achieving it. I always dreaded their birthdays. Anything you gave was always dismissed in favour of some crappy gift bought by someone less relevant like a neighbour or a 'friend' they barely new. All those years of heartbreak explained in 10 minutes. I wish I'd known all this when it mattered. I wouldn't have bothered trying. Thank you!
My Mom bitterly complained that I (as a 12 year old child) never gave her anything she "really wanted" for her birthday. So I shoplifted a nice Cowl neck harlequin sweater (it was the 80s) for her from a boutique in town. She was really excited. I was SO proud of myself for getting her something she "really wanted." About three weeks later she saw another woman at church wearing a similar sweater (same style, different color). She threw the sweater i purloined for her directly in the trash when we got home and she told me that I was trying to make her look stupid because she couldnt possibly wear the same clothes "That whore" wore. The woman at church had done nothing untoward to my mother or anyone, as far as i knew. I had never seen her sweater before. Somehow all of this was my fault.
That’s horrible! It was not your fault!
I can only say I sincerely hope you cut off all contact and will never let her know about your children if you ever have kids. It’s the ultimate punishment for narcissistic moms
Wow, jesus christ. I'm sorry man. Your mum and what you went through is so fucked up. Stay the hell away from her if you can.
Jesus that's awful. It's a good sign you can recognise how crazy that is now.
People are so evil sometimes and I'm sorry you had to experience that from your own mother. Sending love and healing energy to you dear ❤
This is so relatable. My narc ex and I had birthdays only a few days apart, with his being before mine. Every year, same thing. On his day, there would be cake, gifts, candles, lots of good wishes, his favourite food, etc. When mine came a few days later - nothing. If I said anything, or asked about my celebration, he would say, 'we celebrated for both of us on my birthday' which of course, wasn't the case. We celebrated him on his birthday, then mine just got swept under the rug every year. Glad to be out of that situation.
Sorry that happened 🥺. Hope You have better ones moving forward
What an asshat. glad you.left. 💜
Maybe you should’ve told him you wanted them celebrated separately. We guys can be kinda dumb about that stuff sometimes. If it were me, I’d just do everything on my gf’s bday. It really wouldn’t matter to me either way 😂
@@stormwilliams3347 It's assumed that birthdays are celebrated on the date of birth of the person whos celebrating, so why should he be told? does he not know how birthdays work?
@@sprocastersprocaster idk.. I’m unconventional I guess. Everyone has different views on that type of stuff. Who knows
I always feel a little guilty on my birthday because usually nobody cares, but then someone will always ask me what I did. It's like they don't like hearing that I didn't celebrate it with anyone. I always do something for myself - go for a nice drive, eat lots of my favourite food, or something like that, but I rarely spend it with anyone. I feel like I have to live up to others' expectations, like it's supposed to be this great day where I go out on a date and then have a party with a bunch of people or something.
It’s YOUR day to do exactly what YOU please don’t give a rats ass about what other people think you should do
Just give a narcissist for a birthday or whatever money they love money😂😂😂
If you’re spending it how you really want to, you’re doing it right!! 🎉
In recent years, I’ve made it a point to take a couple of days off from work to reflect and relax for my birthday. I do let other people know, but I don’t have high expectations of people to go all out. I was disappointed that I didn’t hear from two people I considered friends. However, I realize that life happens and it’s easy to forget as we get older.
As someone who’s primary love language is that of receiving (and giving) gifts…I love celebrating birthdays!
I don’t understand a person who gets mad on their birthday. Life is too precious and way too short!
They make a monster deal of their own birthday while ruining everyone else's
Spot on!
Ofc, bcs someone else is to be the center of attention. They do not accept that.. so they feel bad (for not being the center of attention) & thats why everyone else also has to suffer, feel bad or have a bad time.. They make sure of it
They are horrible 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲
People should show love and appreciation every day, not especially on birthdays. Every day can be special when you respect the other.
depends. should we proactively show every single day of our lives? if we feel down for god know what should we just go around and love whoever every hour?
are we suppose to? are we obligated? we should love ourselves more before we love others
love and appreciate them when you can at your own pace. NOT EVERYDAY. you're making a white lie by saying that. i know u meant it not to make it a big deal and nor do i. but also, dont tell us what to do and what not to do especially when u're talking about "love and appreciation every day", you're not buddha nor are u enlightened
Nice thought.. if we lived in a perfect world...or know how to love and appreciate ourselves in a proper manner. Considering most of us here have survived narcessistic abuse over a long period of time, I dare say that the survivors have learned to show appreciation...narcs feel entitled to it.
I say show appreciation, especially when you're feeling down. It will lift you up. You don't have to show love and appreciation to people who haven't earned it, though.
@@p.w.352 I agree.
In a Perfect World...
I rescued my wife and her daughter from a narcissist. They both went through therapy, and I was close to going to through therapy to just to learn how to support and understand them.
What a wonderful man, you deserve the best things in life, God bless you. 😊
Nothing you ever do for them will ever be enough.
I did lash out on my birthday once, because I was mad that it wasn’t matching up with my expectations, but to be fair I was three. And I really wanted to win all the party games. I have since become a more considerate host.
very funny!
I have to deal with one right now and she even avoids saying Merry Christmas or anything on any day, never once asked me when my birthday was and I've been dealing with her for almost 11 years. completely absorbed in trying to compete and does everything I do and if I buy something she has to go out and get it (even cars, really). ugly, ugly, ugly.
😂
That was great..thanks for the laugh
Last year was the best birthday I have had in a long time, I decided to go out without my narcissistic partner. So when I got home that evening he decided to say “Why would you celebrate without me? I may have had something planned for you!” I asked him “well did you?” His response “no but you didn’t know that.” So a couple of days before his birthday I say “ Guess what I’m getting you for your birthday?” 🥳 He was all smiles 😁 just a cheesing from ear to ear... and he says “um, um I don't know. What are you getting me?”... I said, “the same thing you got me for my birthday 🎉 “. He thought about it and that smile disappeared quickly ( he didn't get me anything on my birthday) and I started to lmao 🥳🎉🤭😂🤣😂🤣😂... It was just a small victory in this hell I'm currently living in but it sure was empowering 💃🏽🤗😉
So good! 😊💃
😆😆😆
this type of tit for tat never teaches a narc the lesson tho, it just gives then amo for their constantly churning plans on guilting you later
I used to give my narc ex lots of gifts he never gifts me anything
@@TheOneanjel Yep! He'll simply play the martyr now about how he's not good at buying birthday gifts or planning parties or some such nonsense.
This brings back a lot of traumatic memories. The family narcs are the reasons I feel so off on my birthday.
So true. My mother in law completely ghosts her son on his birthday 7/11 but demands him to celebrate hers a couple weeks later 7/23. She’s disgusting how she treats people. I refuse to have anything to do with her anymore. I feel so sad for my husband because he’s so used to her mistreatment that he thinks it’s normal.
My mother-in-law's the same. She never sends her son/my husband a birthday card - he didn't even get one on his 40th birthday! Now she does the same to our daughter.. no birthday card and nothing at Christmas either. Before she died, my mother was really lovely to my husband and he was always so grateful when she sent him a present. He says she was more of a mother to him than his own mother was and she said he was the son she never had. I too feel sad for my husband.
I worked busing tables at a country club, where big parties would be thrown for members for special events like wedding and birthdays. A hostess would be assigned to plan and organize them and they were a big deal, pulling out all the stops. One of the waitresses I worked with was in "training" to be a hostess when she was finally assigned her first event to plan and organize - a birthday party for one of the newer members. She went all out, wanting to really showcase her abilities to entertain. The decorations, entertainment and menu were amazing, the best I had seen in all the events I worked. She planned an event like he was the most important person on the planet.
However, most of the guests who arrived would drop off a present, greet this member, and then... leave. They didn't stick around any longer than they felt they had to, they were there just to make "an appearance". At first the staff all found this odd, until we ourselves met the "birthday boy" as we waited on and served him and realized what an obnoxious jerk he was. An over-the-top narcissist, the most rude, disgusting, self-centered... well, you get the idea. Boasted about everything, insulted anyone within 5 feet of him. Just... cringe.
He became extremely upset as he watched all the people come in, say "happy birthday" but then leave. He seemed incapable of realizing they didn't like him one bit, even though it was quite obvious on some of the strained faces of people who stopped and offered best wishes. Many were likely employees of his who feared they'd be fired if they didn't at least stop in, or perhaps business partners who feared he would cease doing business with them. Only his family seemed to stay and they didn't look much happier about it.
The narcissist of course needed someone ELSE to blame, and so he blamed the hostess. He began throwing very visible and public tantrums about all the decorations, the entertainment, the food, the service, etc, even though there wasn't a single thing worthy of a complaint. He demanded to see the manager, so a few of us along with the hostess led him back to her office. He began to rant and scream and demand the hostess be fired, right there on the spot.
At first, the manager was appeasing him, agreed it was unacceptable that people were leaving and seemed ready to fire the hostess. The hostess was crying and looked absolutely devastated. I couldn't stand by and watch this injustice, so I spoke up and said, "if you fire her, then I quit, she did wonderfully - they're only leaving because they don't like him." I was sure that would be my last day. But it seemed that was all it took to give the other staff courage as well. Suddenly, the other staff chimed in, "me, too", "she didn't do anything wrong" and "yeah, she did a fantastic job!" I swear I even heard someone muttering "he's an a##-hole" under their breath.
Hearing that, the manager said, "I'm sorry you're unhappy with how your party went, but it sounds like there isn't any problems with the preparations." The member was furious, threatening to quit his membership and take all his "friends" with him, that he'd call the health department to file complaints and that they'd be shut down in a week, etc. I didn't hear all the threats as the manager sent us all back to work as he continued to rant.
The hostess was given plenty of events to coordinate after that, and every single one of them was a dream to work at - you loved working them just to be a part of the celebration, they were all fun and unique. I never saw the member after that.
I enjoyed that..thanks for posting x
You're a hero. You made the world a better place by making sure she kept her job.
Denial refuse to believe that people don’t like him. I dated a guy where his kids only call him when they need something. He was so happy. “ SEE THey NEED ME “! 👀. I was like they call you only when they need something. Big mistake he didn’t want to see that in his mind he was the man. He boasted and bragged about everything even down to the toilet paper tissue brand. Everyone he talk to he hold them up to brag about his degrees and this and that. He is actually miserable inside. He Love boom me for our first 3 months of dating. I was praising God and thanking him for my future husband. Boy was I wrong. He turnt into a monster. Mask off.
Wow. But seriously these people are grown up spoiled brats--who needs to spend thousands on a party and thousands on a membership to pretend they have friends.
That jerk sounds like a couple people I know and the sad thing about it they can NEVER see it's them..
Or they ruin everyone else’s birthday or holiday (even the children’s) when the attention is not focused on them - being disagreeable, stirring up conflict, or purposely not acknowledging that person’s bday (or Mother’s Day) But when it’s their bday (or Father’s Day), when they are the one being celebrated, they take it all in, joyfully accepting gifts and attention.
Totally the same here! Do you acknowledge their things?? I’ve pretty much stopped acknowledging theirs bc they make it a big deal that they forgot mine! So childish. I feel silly even typing this out.
My abusive narcissistic parent did that to me one year. On her birthday she was super bitchy and grouchy and I was uncomfortable speaking to her (as I often was). Because no one said happy birthday to her (while she was ranting and making it difficult to do so) she said she wasn’t going to acknowledge my birthday. And she didn’t. I was 14.
I have seen stories where narc mothers demand that her children celebrate them on their birthdays because SHE gave birth to them. Worse than that, they aren't even allowed to celebrate their own borthdays.
On yes that is exactly what my ex did. Just ended it with him. He visited his 30 year old son on Mothers day because he was jealous of my sons visiting me. I could see it on his face and he started playing games on his phone whilst they were with me! He left as soon as they did and went to visit his son, who just happened to still be living with his mother! When he came home he said " Oh it was his birthday today but I forgot but he's used to that!" The same for Mothers day he never even wished her a happy day! When I said why? He replied that all those sort of days are a con and don't mean anything!
My Goddaughter’s mother is EXACTLY like this!!!🤦♀️
This reminds me of someone I used to know. My teacher introduced her daughter to me since she was new in school and she wanted her to feel welcome. I've known the girl for at least two days that time and she legitimately got mad at me for 'intentionally' forgetting her birthday and shamed me for not giving her a gift when most of the class have given her some. It was confusing and traumatizing for my middle school self,the signs were everywhere but I just couldn't drop her as a friend! She's far away now but she's affected me so much it ruined me to this day.
I started dating a woman 4 years ago, her first birthday I experienced at her parents house stood out to me the way she was acting. I noticed it but didn't think too deep into it. 4 years later now that I see her for what she is, I can see it so clearly looking back to that day.
Completely agree. I know a narcissist, who elaborately starts planning for her birthday. She just wants attention and validation all the time.
This is actually a wonderful way to undermine and chip away at a narcissist’s self esteem. If you forget their birthday they might discard you to protect their ego and set you free.
No, they'll wait till your birthday comes when they'll take special care to congratulate you and make you feel guilty you didn't. Then they'll proceed to self invite to your place bringing in some common friends and screw your birthday. -) just kiddin
@@dancroitoru364 haha
I guess, that's only if they aren't your relatives. I did this last year, when I went no contact with my narc aunt. My birthday is earlier, but the same month. I went NC before my bd as a birthday gift to myself, so I blocked the phone and didn't need to hear insincere congratulations. She still contacted my narc dad and even considered to send (unwanted) gifts by mail (her family at least live in different city). My narc dad is the type who hates birthdays and celebrations, so I never actually had a big laud birthday party, only simple basics like eating the cake with the family and receiving gifts (from mom, never from him). Of course, he told her not to send me anything and he was quite angry at the mention itself (how typical). Ironically, that was rather good for me that one time - I didn't have to feel too guilty about ignoring her birthday later (I still felt like a bad guy, doubting whether it's okay to do it like that, but I was too exhausted to deal with her). On the third day after her birthday the hell broke loose. She and her family contacted my dad and they all made me some sort of their common enemy. He told me a lot of horrible things, criticised me, blamed me for anything, being stupid, useless, lazy etc, yelled at me, raged for several months. Maybe it would be easier if I could just move far away, out of reach of any flying monkeys. But it wasn't an option. Also, everyone who goes NC with narc relatives gonna at some point be this "bad guy" who ignored their "precious" bd, because bd-loving narcs have tendency to not to speak to you for awhile, but still expect attention on their birthdays as if nothing has happened.
@@nothingthere3959 Sorry to hear that happened. I come from a background like that. I would keep on letting her down. Heheeee. Play the loser to a point where she knows you’ll be a let-down no matter what and expects it. In your mind, you aren’t. Keep your head down. At least, this way, you won’t have to put up a false front. That can be exhausting.
They will point out when you show confidence; remarking “look at how stuck up he is!” Realize that this is a way of undermining your boundaries and abilities. This is typical predatory behavior.
You will never get closure from a narcissist. Never, ever! The desire for revenge is actually a source of supply for them. I tried living up being an inconsiderate person. It has to be fun. You will lose your identity because it’s like acting a role. Get away from them or find ways to block them out. Find alliances with helpful people, build walls and numb it out. You are being outnumbered.
@@arealcatlady well done, because even if you bent over backwards to make them happy, they still would have been upset with you 👍
I used to have a friend who would celebrate their birthday for the ENTIRE month. She even received gifts the days leading to and after her birthday. It never made sense to me, it all felt like a self-praising moment for them. Even after their birthday they will still talk about their next birthday even when it’s 11 months away. 😂 I couldn’t stand it after a few years!
I've experienced an "inverse" birthday issue with more than one narcissist where THEY are also owed a particular experience on your own birthday. This seems to be only true with close friends or family.
My adult brother and I chipped in and bought my mom a 23 and Me test for her birthday thinking she would like to know what her background was. She was so pissed that she screamed "It's a lame gift, I would rather have just gotten a card" so...we only got her a card from that point on and spoiler alert, that pissed her off too.🤷♀
A narcissist can never make the first comment on anything a positive one. They are born miserable and can’t give credit to anyone. Don’t take it personally, run away as fast as you can.
My narc aunt flipped out about 23 and me too. I wonder why they’re so sensitive about their background?
Maybe they know things about the family that you don't? Although my guess is they don't want a test to tell them who or what they are, it probably takes their fragile sense of identity away from them. And some of them are narcissists because of traumatic childhoods, they've probably tried to distance themselves from their family and roots, so they don't care to be reminded what came before them.
Im a narcissist, that's not narcissism. Too many ppl think narcissism is any person who is nasty or abusive.......i actually have a God complex and can be very kind like it's my divine role. I love getting gifts and will take compliments as gifts...I'm a sucker for compliments and everyone knows to pander to my ego and I'll give you favourite dress. I'll draw your portrait.
Your mum sounds awful and abusive xxx but narcissist threads might not give you the answers you seek xxxx
I appreciate the feedback. My mother was a confirmed covert narcissist and I didn't diagnose her. This was made known to me by several therapists I've seen over the years to deal with the trauma and abuse at her hands. This instance is only one (and by far not one of the worst ones) instance of her wild and negative reactions. To others, sweet as pie, but get closer to her and you got bit.
Then there are the narcissists who deliberately "forget" other people's birthdays as a way to hurt family and friend's feelings. The crazy-making never ends.
Yep, even if you remind them the very morning of 🥲
Yes I've experienced the same as well, my ex-sister who's a covert narc conveniently forgets my birthday but sends it the next day with some made up excuse but she always sends it to the other family members on the day. It's soooo obvious... 🙄
I don't let it bother me as it just seems like very childish behaviour, still wish them on their day as I don't like to stoop to such immature pettiness.
@@Tullece Totally understand. My mother has been been working on some kind of crochet project for my daughter I hear and while she could have seen everyone on the 4th of July, as there was a gathering, her excuse was she’s working on this project for my daughter. So she thinks this gift will make up for her not calling her on her birthday and not being present. If you ask me, she just likes any excuse to not hang out with anyone, but she also thinks her little projects somehow make up for everything and I can assure you, will get mad when the response is not what she thinks it should be…..it’s a cycle 🔁 with her.
How do you know it’s deliberate and they don’t just like have adhd or whatever. If you don’t have adhd then thats how its seems to you because you don’t have the brain structure to empathize accurately. I don’t even know what todays date is. I just buy people things randomly instead
@@banquetoftheleviathan1404 I am not clear on all the ins and outs of ADHD but if you get reminded can you still use that as an excuse?
My sister-in-law bought her own “Birthday Girl” sash in Vegas and made it ALL about her. The trip wasn’t even planned for her birthday but she made sure everyone knew it was her birthday. During her birthday party (after the trip), she accidentally dropped her own cake then threatened her guests to leave if they don’t clean up. She curled up in a fetal position in a corner to cry until guests gave her their undivided attention. 10 years later in present time, she’s still a narcissist. After lashing out on her guests, they stopped talking to her. Unfortunately, I’m stuck with her through marriage.
@@mikecollon100 same! she lost a lot of connections after this incident. Now she has no friends and family dislikes her... except for her husband. I stopped talking to her, even at family events because she always pouts and has tantrums. Wish we could exclude her from everything!
I remember 2 birthday presents I gave my mother. Both of them were things I'd designed for her (I have a Redbubble shop). One year, it was a make-up bag. She didn't realise I'd made it and thought it had come from the Far East. She went on and on about how lovely my present was because designers in the Far East were so much better than Western designers (intending this to be an insult to me as a designer, disguised as a compliment about my present). Then I told her I'd designed it. She looked at me with shock, which turned to fury. She put the bag down and I never heard about it or saw it again.
A few years before, I'd designed her a T-shirt. That time, she had chosen the design and colour herself. She left it in the living room draped over a chair, and forced everyone to see the present HER daughter had made for her. A few days later, she was angry with me (part of the usual cycle of abuse). I went upstairs as usual, waited a few hours for her fury mode to change into her ignore me mode. I came downstairs, expecting to be ignored as usual in such situations, but she was creepily nice, asked me if I wanted a cup of tea, and kept up the creepy, smiling fake niceties all day till I went to bed. When I went into my room, the T-shirt was on my pillow, folded up and crushed into as tight a block as she could manage. It made me feel sick just to see it because I knew then why she had been smiling all day - she must have planned that while I was in my room escaping her wrath, then sneaked into my room sometime during the day to leave the shirt there. The sick smile was the all-day anticipation of me finding it.
My birthdays always followed the same pattern: she'd find a reason to get angry with me, then ignore me all day, or else be so hostile that I had to leave the house and go and sit in a friend's house till my father phoned me late at night to tell me it was safe to come home because she'd gone to bed.
You have really been through the fire! I hope life is better for you now and that you are surrounded by loving supportive friends.
They really are evil motherf$@#ers.
Omg my mom was just like that. She also would take my gifts. And if I liked something she would donate it to the church. And when I got hysterical she had that smile like you discribed. She was so evil it's mind blowing ad a parent now.
My 64 yr old narc sister got mad at me because I didn’t put her gift in a gift bag with pretty tissue in it. I gave her a gift but she went ballistic cause it wasn’t in a gift bag.
She won't be getting anything next year except a pretty bag with tissues.
@@cymbolichuman433 👍🥳
@@cymbolichuman433 excellent idea
@@cymbolichuman433 😂😂😂. Id LOVE to be there watching that! If it were me id do it to mess with her, and then as she freaked out id say happy birthday while walking out the door and then laugh my ass off! 😂
My ex girlfriend was so upset their 12-13 year old cousin missed wishing them a happy birthday by like a FEW HOURS. She went on feeling so rejected and hurt by it to the point where she ignored the cousin for 2-3 months. This cousin loves and adores her too and was probably crushed at the time. Imagine being so upset with a child half your age and giving them a tantrum.
I missed the birthday of a longterm friend's daughter one year through simply mixing up the date and she went ballistic, informing me that we were no longer friends. Her husband came over to apologise and I gave him the present I'd bought, which he later advised me had been thrown straight into the bin while she ranted at him for not supporting her.
Never saw or heard from her again although, a few months later, her husband did let me know that they were planning on emigrating.
@@clogs4956 LMAO! HOLY SHET!! That is crazy!! I sure hope they're emigrating away from you. I feel sorry for her husband.
Unfortunately I know the other end of that really well. My older narc brother has ALWAYS been this way, that at some point I just accepted I had to suck up to him bc “that’s what you do.” I don’t really make a big deal about my birthday (and prefer being left alone on my day) so over the years I found myself thinking and focusing more about his birthday than I ever had/have on my own.
One year he actually had the audacity to be upset with me when I wished him happy birthday in the evening his time (he was three hours ahead of me). I literally made sure to call him as soon as I got off work but because it was 8/9pm where he was, he threw a fit and called me a horrible person who needs to be less selfish. Mind you, at that point he had missed my birthday for 6 years straight. One of those years he called a month later for a belated birthday. The other 5 years he merely never mentioned it…
So glad to be rid of his presence in my life.
Ex! 👍🏽
Adults caring that much about their own birthdays SMH.
Wow. I really admire your ability to stretch out a 1-minute short message into a nearly 12 minute rant. Saying the same thing over and over again and making them sound different is a skill I'll have to learn from you. Kudos to you for repeating a simple statement in such a varied way.
My narcissistic mom always has a SCARY obsession with birthdays, mother's day, and other smaller holidays. Largely using these as an excuse to dictate what people are going to do and how time will be spent with them.
Absolutely. I have a narcissistic mother and the anxiety leading up to both her birthday and to mothers' day was almost paralysing
I was married to a narcissist. I remember I was having some serious back pain. It was my husband's birthday, and I had an appointment with a doctor. It was a little difficult for me to drive, so I had asked my husband if he would drive me to my appointment. I remember after we got back home, he was like, "I really didn't want to spend my birthday taking YOU to the doctor. I wanted to celebrate my birthday." I just looked at him dumbfounded because that comment hurt me a bit. It wasn't a milestone birthday, and it wasn't like we couldn't celebrate it on a different day. Or whatever.
He behaved like this all the time. He was the center of the universe. He never actually loved me.
@@ADDrecords pretty much so.
@@ADDrecords me too! Thanks.
Yep... Sprained my ankle the day before mothers day while mowing a very lumpy lawn for a friend of hers... I wasnt really supposed to be bearing full weight on it the very next day... But I did because it was mothers day and mama had the day off. She was heavily pouting because I didnt get all the dishes done after making dinner... I was drenched in a pain sweat half the day... Ah yes... Narc memories...
I don't know if you're aware what you did just there. You just minimized your pain by saying "the comment hurt me a bit", and then try to explain that "It wasn't a milestone birthday", as if it would be okay for him to behave that way if it was a milestone birthday? I am so sorry that you had to put up with that. Glad you found your way out of that. Been through the same. May you find healing! I wish you all the best!
@@sycamore2483 I'll agree with you there. When you're married or in a committed relationship with someone, you shouldn't be so self centered.
Oh man! A few weeks back was my new girlfriends birthday and I was sick as a dog. I was literally stuck in bed and had a fever of 102.8 with the chills of death… She flipped out more than I’ve ever seen someone flip lol. I was apparently some terrible bad guy that “ruined” her birthday. Only been dating her a couple months, glad I got to see the real her. I had seen some red flags but her treating me like absolute trash that day made me watch some of these videos and helped me put it all together.
She sounds really immature and selfish.
Glad you got out! They can care less if you’re sick! It’s all about them! But if they get sick, you have to wait on them hand and foot or they will be pissed off again! You just can’t win with these people 🤮🤢
Man I feel this. My ex flipped out cause I didn't make it to a birthday dinner. It was midterm season and I was studying STEM, I just couldn't make it across town on transit. She flipped out, regardless of the fact that she'd missed my birthday a couple months earlier. I didn't give her a hard time lol.
Suffice to say, she's my ex and I'm better for it. Complete narcissist, used to talk down a lot about people about their weight. I should have seen that as a massive red flag and bailed.
Don't allow her to creep back in...just keep running, she needs to look like a dot on the horizon!
@@ninachand2075 Oh don't worry, never gonna happen.
I’m proud to say I couldn’t give a toss about my birthday! Yet I know a few people that DEMAND full attention from everyone on their birthday…and yes they’re all on my ‘suspected narcissist’ list
Sooooo true! Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your take on this topic! Love the quiet humor you infuse into it!
I love how oddly specific you are. It really helps people not be victims anymore.
One year, my ex’s birthday was the day after my mothers funeral. He kept texting and calling me saying how he has “no-one to spend his birthday with”. In my time of grief, when I needed to be with my family, I left and drove to a different parish, got a personalized cake, and he didn’t even meet me. I felt SO bad. I had to scrape the frosting off and give the cake away. At the time, I didn’t know he was a narcissist and I just felt so guilty. The DAY after I buried my mother.
He sure was hell but hey why did you put yourself through this abuse? We need healthy boundaries and self love.
Poor you. That is just awfu i am praying for you at this very difficult time for you. God Bless you. Love and blessings, Kate 💘
@@ilusagraun you clearly lack insight in to narcissistic relationships and cycles of abuse. She didn’t “put herself through that”. She was trying to do something nice for someone she cared about and was guilt tripped in to leaving her family during a time a loss. You know, when emotions are already running high it can cloud a persons judgement. Let’s not blame the victim here, you should blame the narc for their manipulative ways.
My narc friend, said to me 4 days after mother had been cremated ''you must be over that by now'...they don't understand grieving at all.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I hope you're healing and have found peace ❤
I used to think that when my only sister (who is older than me and highly likely a narcissist) would host a birthday party for me that she genuinely wanted to celebrate my birthday, but over time I realized, it wasn't to celebrate me, but instead to receive attention and make the entire event about her. Growing up with her, our parents even had to buy her gifts to open on my birthday (and she is about 7 years older than me) in order to appease her. During holidays, if I sat next to her and our parents asked me "how are things going?" before they asked my sister, I could feel her seething energy because she wasn't the center of attention at that moment. We are in our 40s now, our parents have since passed away. After they passed, her behavior escalated so badly that I had to go "no contact". I then realized how much our dad was a buffer for me and my mom regarding her narcissistic behavior. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your consistent education and care. I'm grateful and I have learned A LOT from this channel... especially that it is OK to walk away.
I agree, Dr Ramani - birthday and Mother’s Day are the only two days per year my kids will behave and not “need” me every 3 minutes. I definitely take advantage of that. Helps get me thru the rest of the year!
This makes me feel a lot better about pretty much never celebrating my own birthday 😂 for my 21st I stayed in and watched all 3 Lord of the rings movies.
I watched LotR (extended version) over 1000 times to avoid my narc bro in law. Can damn near recite every line. But it kept me safe. I still love those movies. Thank god the p**ck is out of my life forever.
Same for my birthday. I don't have a party, just go out and eat with my husband and son, that's enough for me. His sister is a narcissist. If she doesn't get birthday wishes, she will be depressed for months. Those people can be scary. Since we had a fight with money that she borrowed and never pay back. I did not give birthday gifts for her this year. I'm tired of one way gifting. It's funny to watch those people's attitudes to treat you like an enemy when you dont wish and gift on their birthday, but they never do anything for your birthday, not even a wish. Those people are like strangers with only memories, so no big deal.
Sounds like a good birthday to me! #soitbegins
Oh that's epic! Happy belated birthday(s)!
That sounds like a great birthday tbh 😃
30-year+ friendship insisted on special treatment for her birthdays - expensive dinner, present, etc, but (after I started paying attention) when mine rolled around she paid for a ticket for me to a movie saying it was "more than you deserve" plus invited someone I didn't know and sat with the person instead of me - really showed me the difference between how she valued me vs her expectations. Yikes I felt like such a fool,,,no more.
That's rough man. Hope you're going okay and healing well. Love to ya.
A 20 year friendship in my life ended due to similar realizations/actions/understandings. It is a very odd feeling to see it for what it is after all those years. I wish you the best.
40 year friendship, i was no longer narcissistic fodor so I got dumped like trash...it still hurts and its been 2 years
Yeah mine was after 4 years ♥️
The realisation took me years. 2 years away from my best friend of 15yrs... looking back.. I feel so stupid, I didn't think a best friend could be so twisted & abusive.
Seeing all the "events" etc for what they really were now.
How I was being manipulated.. I love 100% & didn't see it.
Hope you're OK now.
Oh man, my ex was exactly like that. Ignored my birthdays but made a huge deal about her birthdays, including making a list of gifts she wanted from me and constantly reminding, guilting and gaslighting. She never once got me a gift. No joke. Not once. And I don't care about gifts anyway, I'd much more treasure something handmade and from the heart, even just a card. Or a hug lol. Nothing. Some people just don't care about their partner, they use them for their own benefit and drain the life out of them to serve their own needs
My wife and I use our birthdays as a reason for time off work and just chill out for a bit. Nothing dramatic. Some well wishes from friends are nice to have as well. I imagine narcissists use it to attract as much attention and adoration as possible, but they probably hate other birthdays as it takes attention away from themselves and they have to expend some genuine care and effort to make someone else “feel important”.
Taking off work is being dramatic.
I have read several stories of narcissistic mothers turning their children's birthdays into "the anniversary of when I gave birth to you" and completely co-opt the day into their day, expecting presents from all her kids, basically making each of her kid's birthdays into Mother's Days as well has having actual Mother's Day and their own Birthdays.
I always wish moms happy labor day immediately after the birthday wishes. Not because anyone told me to, I've just always thoughts it's a nice acknowledgment of the pain and suffering moms go through bringing you into the world.
Ew. You have kids so you can give to them not receive from them.
This is exactly how my poor stepkids are treated by their mom who spends the whole party telling stories about how hard it was while she was pregnant with them.
I know a mother who expects the child to be wished a happy birthday and expects to be invited over to cake. Man I pulled that tooth very fast. Yes thanks for giving life, yes it's hard but it's not your birthday and the birthday person should get the cake!
My Nmom falls into this self-sacrificing role around her Birthday. "You don't have to do anything. I know you're busy. I've learned not to expect anything over the years." Then, regardless of what we do (even if it's nice/elaborate), it's not enough, and later on she will imply we don't care about her. But then follows that up with "But Birthdays aren't important when you're older so I didn't expect much," or "That's just being a mom, you get taken for granted." I get whiplash from almost all my interactions with her. And she is always the victim!
Holy cr*p that sounds like my boys mom to the letter.
There is always drama around family birthdays and she's always the one front and center of the drama.
We must be siblings 😞
how exhausting...truly
Sounds like she's just resentful about putting others before herself for too long.
How many narcissistic mother's does it take to change a lightbulb? none. I'll just sit here in the dark.
Ended a friendship with a narcissist earlier this year. UA-cam’s algorithm is recommending this right before their birthday. The strange irony…
wow, this is exactly how a birthday I threw for my ex went down. Narcissist or not, he blamed me for every setback of his birthday. I planned it, bought cake, helped keep it surprise, and he told me I was the reason why it was the "worst ever" just because he had a fight with his equally conceited brother and because his friends couldn't come earlier to the party. I blamed myself for the birthday, but this helped give me some sanity.
This is so TRUE ! Family members in their 60’s STILL act like total babies about their birthdays. And expect everyone to praise them and fawn all over them , so ridiculous.
I have a sister who is 36 years old. Her birthday is in the end of May and the whole month is her birthday month to celebrate. No joke it will May 1st and she will be so rude to people and when asked why she will respond with "it's my birthday this month so this month is all about me". She is my mother's favorite child so my mother thinks it's cute and quirky when she acts like that. It gets worse the closer the days get to her birthday. Even the last week of the month which is when her birthday has already passed she is still expecting people to treat her like a princess.
Just to clarify to some people;
If you feel disappointed that nobody rembered your birthday or at least that a close loved one didn't, don't worry, you are not a narcissist for that.
It could point to you having some insecurity around social and family bonds but it's totally normal, especially if you're used to getting some birthday wishes and then suddenly one year you get none.
So long as you don't make a big deal out of it, you're fine.
Thank you for this. I had this girl I was dating years ago, I was super crazy about her, and when my birthday came she wished me happy birthday but it was like 13 hours after everyone else, I just wanted to hear it from her and she was the last person I even heard from . No gift or special anything (I really don't want anything like that) I just felt hurt the whole day I was getting messages from everyone, but her.
Your message made me realize I'm not a psycho for being hurt by that after all. Thank you.
Yeah, agreed. Tbh, personally I wonder how many of these narcissist ‘facts’ online are potentially damaging some people/their perceptions of relationships.
Birthdays are an odd one, they’re stressful for some and for some people they’re not even brought up celebrating it so there’s disconnect.
Never mind, as long as it helps someone I suppose.
Doesn't sound like she was raised in the States. Your birthday is a big deal here and your family goes all out when you're younger. Other than Christmas it's the 1 time a year where even the poorest of us get something we want
I rather not have a birthday don't need a reminder that I am getting older
@@OzonebxGamingcelebrating children’s birthdays is not an exclusively American thing. If you’re an adult and you get upset when someone is a few hours late wishing you happy birthday then you might have some maturity issues.
Thank you for explaining in detail the narcissistic behaviour . I was married to a narcissist for 20 years and, she is also bi-polar . She loves her birthay more than anyone I know! Your teaching on the subject has helped with my healing. Bless you Dr. Ramani !
Some folks (me) hate birthdays because they seem disingenuous and we should treat people like they're number one everyday. Because... you are number one...ever..day and I'm very proud of you! Keep it up, you got this!!
Where to start…my ex hated birthdays and I remember him making me cry on mine. Never acknowledged or bought me even a small gift. I threw him a surprise 50th birthday party and he was ANGRY at me for spending money for it. When I turned 50 he berated me about his 50th party and on and on and on just punishing me. Interestingly enough, his brother was a narcissist too and he committed suicide ON HIS BIRTHDAY. I am so grateful to be out of all the toxic drama and violence and emotional abuse. Thanks so much for this video ❤️❤️❤️
Sad thing that probably they were both traumatised as children, hope you can forgive them, for your sake at least, although I know that is an unpopular stance these days. More importantly we need to try and understand why we were attracted to the relationships in the first place, or I have had to at least.
You're not alone, Katie Schmid. So much of this sounds chillingly familiar... Sending you good wishes.
There you go, you do know the reason behind why he hated birthdays. Sounds like he was a jerk about it, it's indefensible how he treated you. But I have to ask, since you knew how he felt about birthdays, why did you throw him a surprise 50th party?
@@DR-nh6oo lol why don’t you try and forgive a people who abused you for 20 years. Bad advice that opens the door to more abuse
Vlog City Forgiveness does not mean allowing the person to continue to abuse or even be in your space. It means understanding that there are often reasons why people get so twisted and fucked up and not spending your precious energy on the hate that will only bring you down. As I said this is not a popular idea but then as narcissism is a pandemic at the moment that is no surprise. No joke.
Growing up my narcissistic sister got these lavish and expensive birthdays and I essentially had to fight for pizza and a movie rental sleepover with friends. I litterally wrote in my diary that I didn't think my mother loved me as much as my sister because she never put any energy onto me. As an adult I understand that she was worn thin by my sister and she had no money or energy left for me, but it still hurts.
Sounds like your mother was the flying monkey to your narc sister. My best friend has this exact situation.
If it’s any consolation, you are not alone there. That very much resonated with me too. My older brother was basically the same.
What a wretched mother you had. 🤮
I’m glad you realized it wasn’t you. She was probably internally relieved that she didn’t have to destroy herself and find the money to deal with you and how you weren’t a stressful basket case.
Growing up you see Batman as a hero. As an adult you understand Joker as the villain.
Thank you so very much for this enlightening and comforting video. I never could get my daughter’s birthday right. She just turned 45. It was a disaster. Such a trouble maker. I’m texting it in next year!
I thought this oddness about birthdays was particular to my mother. She even made me dread my own birthday. It all makes sense now that this is normal behavior for many narcissists.
Same , literally turn my phone off and enjoy my day how I like to til the next , so scarred lol. Last year was my mom 50th, she spent the whole 2 months before saying no one cares, if you get her something you’re faking it … didn’t want to.. whatever. When the day came it was so so weird .. couldn’t even stomach the cake how bitter she made everythingGod bless our moms please save them
I think the same about my ex narc man!
I still get anxious around my birthday 😬 hate it.
30 years old and I still can’t stand the idea of throwing a party/having a party for myself. Come to think of it, it was always stressful.
I'm with you. I hate my bday so much now due to abuse. Also Christmas.
I threw a large 30th Birthday Party for my Autistic Son. It was almost like a High School Reunion for him and his friends who were mostly Autistic, and had Down Syndrome and or in wheelchairs and so on….I really went all out and it was a celebration for all of his friends not just him. I even told all the parents that a gift is not needed….just to please come and I will provide everything.
I’ll never forget my birth mother (as I refer to her now) saying to me as I was getting the clubhouse ready for the event….You really need to stop all of these birthday parties for him. He is an adult now and does not need all of these parties. I pretended to let it go in one ear and out the other, as I knew she was trying to pick a fight.
The last time I had a party for him, if one can call it a party…It was on his 21st birthday and it was at his fave restaurant and it was just family and I paid for the whole check and tip.
Funny how my baby sister had a big surprise 30th birthday party that my birth mother put together and that was okay?!?
I stopped all communication with her since 2015. And life is so less Dramatic!
You can celebrate your baby as much as you want. As a mom, he’s your baby at 30 years old & even when he’s older. 💙
@@mnm3755 No, you can't. It is narcissistic to force celebration to a 30 year old "baby" if he/she doesn't want it.
@@MrGoranPa dude she said her adult child likes the parties and is also incapable of arranging them himef because he has autism. Learn to read.
@@MrGoranPa um. She can absolutely celebrate her baby no matter how old he is. She can celebrate her child and not force him to do things he doesn't want to do. Real talk: you don't know this person or their child. You know NOTHING. Your pathetic, unsolicited opinion is pure shite. You're just a troll who came here solely to piss on someone's wheaties.
@@MrGoranPa who says he didn’t want it?
Thanks Doc, you helped me get away from spending my life in a mistake!
It’s a classic! I’m so grateful you made a video about that! Thank you!
I wish I could show the world that.. so people get alert about it.. My family is narcissistic. The 3 of them, mother, father and golden brother. They usually make drama and destroy my birthday in every way possible. 4 decades like that. I used to cry every birthday, but I decided from now and on I will be far from them. Very far. No more. I’ll give myself this gift which I never gave myself 💝
On the other hand, they celebrate their birthday like it’s a holiday lol. 4th of July.
Thanks to remind me that!
My mother used to make my birthdays all about herself. She would get the cake she wanted, invite the people she wanted and when I wasn't grateful, I was selfish and spoiled. I was an introvert who didn't like big parties but apparently I was selfish for not appreciating the effort she went to. Sigh.
heu I thought other people should chose our birthday cake, not the person who celebrate his birthday.
there are parents who never celebrate childs birthday. They find it not worthy.
That's my narc ex's mother, who is also a narc. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree...so glad I never married into that family. It's an orchard of narcs!
Ha ha that's my mom too - she gave birth to me and my brother, she did this massive thing so she deserves all the attention on our birthdays! I was dreading my birthdays for years cause it was just another day with all the drama, intimidation and stuff I didn't ask or wanted but had to be grateful for.
You as the child of a narcissist are an accessory to be shown off when you're a kid. Of COURSE she planned the party for herself, it's all about them or else it's boring.
I’d say this goes for any celebration too. One of my friends has never had her husband want to celebrate anything for her like a promotion, birthday, graduation, etc. but he expected the minuscule accomplishments he had to have a parade.
I get what you said! So true.
What a piece of work that tool is.
Absolutely!
It's unbelievable how these personality disorders are almost identical.
My ex expected a carnival float just for washing her teacup.
My move for the narcissist that doesn’t want their birthday mentioned is to text them to have a “wonderful day like any other of the year - for non-specific reasons” exactly like that. so I can satisfy their need for not mentioning a birthday and also not get caught like I forgot it and am thoughtless. It also passive aggressively highlights the weirdness of not being allowed to say happy birthday while having to make sure they are acknowledged because of how weird that sentence sounds.
He didn’t care about his birthday at all because “no one ever cared about it”. I was in a rough financial spot and tried really hard to make it a day that he could enjoy. Using old gift cards to get balloons and a gift and using the rest of my money to get cake and buy dinner. He seemed disappointed and depressed and dissatisfied with my gift and it made me so upset that I couldn’t make him happy, and we ended up sitting at dinner hardly speaking to each other. He later said I only took him to dinner to prove a point. One of the most painful memories to look back on in that relationship for me
Oh so related. Each year my dad would remind me that soon it’s his bday and ask me (a kid) what I’d get him. And doesn’t matter what I’d give him he wouldn’t like it. I remember this one time vividly, I got him his favorite perfume and he replied with “its ok, it’s not your fault, never mind”. I said what do you mean? You don’t like it? And he acted like I offended him somehow with the present. And it was like that EVERY YEAR. Until I finally stopped giving him anything.
I saw this happen with my children by their father and I left him at this point. Just awful I feel for you
My Mom was just like your Dad!
exactly like my dad. he’s always expecting to receive something on his birthday and he’s never liked anything. and he doesn’t care about our birthdays, like he doesn’t greet or anything. so my siblings and i stopped giving him gifts on his birthday bc he can’t appreciate anything or anyone.
Terrible. So sorry it happened to you
This sounds kind of similar to my mother AND my father. When I was young, like under age 13, I sent my father two cards for his birthday. The first year, I got a polite "thanks", the next year I was told he didn't like the specific cards I was sending and to not send them to him anymore, so I just never sent him anything again. They were just normal Hallmark cards, nothing really off about them. I didn't get it, wasn't trying to get it, so I moved on. My mother on the other hand, she's the type who literally acts like she hates her birthday, then gets upset when you don't do anything special for it, even though we'd start asking her a month in advance if she wanted to go anywhere or have any special food prepared for her or any specific gift. She'd always just say it's just another year and then act annoyed if anyone did get her something. My sister got a diamond bracelet one year and all my mother said was, "Thanks, but it was stupid to spend this much on a gift." My sister stopped sending anything after that. If my mother ever does want a gift, it's always highly expensive jewelry that she knows none of us can afford, so people stopped asking her what she wanted. Like, my sister literally got her what she's always asking for and then she's called stupid for buying it??? About two years ago, though, we stopped even asking her anything and have started treating it like another day, since that's what she's always saying. Now, she gets upset at us when we celebrate OUR birthdays and she sees us buying each other stuff or going out to lunch or dinner as a family. It's like, why do you care what we are doing? You're mad at us because we stopped making a big deal out of your birthday, even though you'd act like we were annoying you by even asking if you wanted to do anything. They're weird.
I have actually grown to an opposite from this specifically. I’m so used to the narcissist ruining every birthday,Holiday,Etc that I get extreme anxiety on these days and have become the Mom that has to have everything Perfect and I realize that all I needed was the absence of the narcissist and a simple loving day with my kids
Yes. 👏🏽 You hit the nail straight with the hammer my dear.
Totally relate!
I enjoy birthdays because i didnt appreciate them as a teen
I hate my birthday because my mom would make a big deal about it even though I don't like all of the attention or fanfare. It is almost like she needed to throw a huge event or make a big deal about it for her sake, and to show other people that she cared about me a lot, and I didn't like it at all
That's exactly what they do, ruin every holiday, bday and ither things. He makes sure no one has fun. It's like he doesn't even know how to have fun. It's really weird and sick.
Narcissists are all about "It's all about me"... pathetic.
My mum sent a hoovering letter yesterday and guess what? It's 18 days until her birthday! Thank you for confirming what I thought
rebecca bowden,Your lovely smile ☺️can make the news.....
It's safe to say, "If a narcissist acts this way on their birthday, they're probably doing it 365 days a year."
Even if it's "suppressed."
not 'Probably; rather, most definitely!
This sounds so strange to me because, I have a friend who is a complete narcissist in almost every way except her birthday. She will not allow anyone to wish her a happy birthday or even acknowledge it. If they do she will actually get seriously infuriated with them. You’re not even allowed to say happy birthday to her. But any other day all the attention Hass to be on her so my question is, is she then really a narcissist or not ?
@@sunnydaze2359 yes. My ex felt no one was good enough or could do it right. He rather avoid those feelings by avoiding the birthday. Its far from humble. He thought he wouldnt get enough gifts. We CARE for him on that day ( cake.singing etc) so its a way to reject us
Kiddo:
Also that was very immature behavior that birthday girl acted towards her friend.
It’s not that suppressed.
My ex girlfriend was a textbook narcissist. She always made a huge deal out of her birthday, while at the same time didn't even bother to buy me a birthday present for mine. She also always made a big deal out of her "Fridays" her day before her weekend from work. She said when it's someone's Friday they should be allowed to do whatever they want and everyone should have to participate. But when it was my Friday, she never cared, and I was still doing what she wanted.
Not to mention other special occasions: Christmax, Easter, Valentines day. There's always drama around special events, and the Narc tends to destroy these days for others
I had a friend that I called at midnight to wish a happy birthday, sang to her and talked with her for 20 minutes. The next day I bought her a small gift, some candy and a card and attended her birthday lunch with her family. I went home and immediately had to leave to celebrate another birthday which she knew about ahead of time. Mind you, we are adults (27 yrs old) She sulked the entire way home, and treated me as if I completely ruined her birthday because I didn’t plan her a grand surprise for the rest of the evening. She admitted she had made up a scenario in her head that I had an entire night planned to celebrate her and she gave me hell when it didn’t happen. What the heck?! I cut the friendship off shortly after.
Side note: a few months before her birthday, she complained about how terrible all of her previous birthdays had been. I now understand that she will never be happy. I can’t understand the mindset of narcissists.
They are children.mature.No real partners.
Have you ever thought that maybe she had bad birthdays and she wanted you to celebrate her like I understand where she could be a narcissist but also it’s like if she told you a month before she’s had terrible birthdays maybe she was telling you a month prior because she was hoping someone would care enough to give her a good birthday and it made her really disappointed when once Again another year nobody did
@@moonchild913 I can see your point! I agree with you, however I didn’t initially mention that her family made reservations at her favorite restaurant, she received a ton of money and nice expensive gifts from friends and family. She was surrounded with friends and family from the morning up until around 7pm (I left around 6). She had a really nice birthday, she decided to pull a guilt trip for many other reasons that I didn’t share on this thread.
Wow! This is spot on. I was married to a narcissist who's birthday fell two days after mine. My birthday was so stressful for 17 years. I knew that 2 days after my birthday he would have a hissy fit because my friends would send me gifts and I would get more cards than he would. I’m so glad I can quietly enjoy or ignore my birthday now.
I forgot to add that I divorced him after 17 years. Scary to be on my own with two kids but the best years of my life.
@sanji1701 2 kids are better than 3, in your case. Glad you're doing better ❤
We were invited to her ‘best friends’ birthday party. We had to leave early because she was raging. She drove home so dangerously and backed into a tree at one point. All because she wasn’t the centre of attention.
Wow! This is so true. My ex would talk about his birthday starting on day one of the birthday month and making plans for how he wanted it celebrated, hinting at what gifts he'd like, etc. It was exhausting and he was childlike...expecting everyone to notice him and his wants. No matter how much time/effort I'd put in to make the day special for him, he'd always be let down and ruminated on this. Yet he never remembered others' birthdays...his parents, siblings, my kids, mine. I was forever reminding him to call or get involved in celebrating their birthdays. It was incredible to me the lack of love and effort he displayed, and I'm so thankful that I no longer am a party (no pun intended) to this!!😊
Being an abuse survivor, birthdays are a reminder of pain and rejection.
It's just any other day.
I'd rather not have anyone be fake, and use a birthday as a token.
Love the people around you all other days.
I can't rightfully say that I know *exactly* how you feel but I do understand the sentiment. I don't want others knowing what my own birthday is because I'm not very keen on others making my birthday about themselves.
My ex didn't care about birthdays . Which meant he really didn't care about mine.
I've just split up from my ex and my god I feel so negative right now
"Birthdays are a reminder of pain and rejection." Agreed.
This made me cry I know the pain and feeling and he’s even ruined our kids birthday as well
@@Bobcat665 huh?? That seems unhealthy lol, who makes someone elses birthday about themselves? Most people dont do that at all man, and if they do then you just know who to avoid
No matter what I did for the narc’s birthday, it was never enough…even if it was EXACTLY what he asked for. Lots of sulking. I remember one time he felt slighted because I got him the “WRONG” chocolate cake.
Of course, my birthday was regularly ignored or sabotaged.
My ex narc was like that. Baked her a cake with her favourite flavors. Got mad and disappointed instead because i didn't gift her a bag or make up to make her look good.
Well if you listened you'd know it was the silk chocolate they wanted...SMH I'm kidding but have been there and how dare they treat anyone like that. Blessings 💜
@@zynlove6867 That made me laugh. 🎂
Me too!!!
Hope you’ve left the loser.