If people were given classes -based on objective research results- on how to parent, there might be less childhood trauma. Also? Helmets. Wayyyyy more helmets.
The problem with mentally ill people is that they damage hurt and devastate other people. If they have any sense of conscience or responsibility, they should self isolate, stay away (from relationships) and focus on other areas life, talents, work, travel. Relationships, families, marriages, long term committed dyads, are only one minuscule part of life. The compulsive focus on forcing people with mental illness to function in marriages and bear children is unconscionably immoral - because these people should not have children. They can be amazing artists, scientists, even politicians; but they should restrict and constrict their personal lives - because there are other people involved. And we all owe to each other a debt; other people have rights which impose obligations. The number one right is - do not harm. Sam Vaknin
@@n0b0d1-rc6dzwell you would have to be mentally ill as well to even deal with someone like this. Relationships are mirrors to our subconscious programming. It’s best for everyone to handle their own shit just because you’re not avoidant doesn’t mean you also don’t have issues, no one is perfect!
@@n0b0d1-rc6dzThe only Right anyone has or will ever have is the Right To Say (and do) No. Bypassing someone's "No" is the basis and quintessence of every Common Law crime. And it is the fundamental difference between the resulting emotions of either appreciation or disdain.
Communication is helping me break the cycle. When I want to detach… I tell them. That allows them to ask questions while holding me accountable, and while it’s extremely uncomfortable, I have to face my emotions (and theirs) which is what I need tbh
Proud of you! My partner is doing the same thing right now and I know it rough for him but it’s been amazing as a couple and I see such progress already:) don’t want to get my hopes up yet but, it does make a difference! Good luck!
@@Theveganlaowai encouragement from my partner was/is EVERYTHING. Anxiety insists that I detach for my “protection” and even though I know that staying open is safe now, old traumas die hard. Yes, I’m an adult that can say no and make boundaries and enforce those boundaries. Yes, I know intellectually that I can choose better for myself now. BUT, I still have to (and can) internalize the truth for myself - I have to start believing what I know; I’m safe, I need to communicate, my partner doesn’t want to hurt me, etc. Ok, I guess I will spill my whole life 😅 My partner was consistent with their communication as well. They couldn’t always expend energy on my behalf but they always kept me in the loop about it. If they needed alone time I was aware that they weren’t abandoning me. They would get tired of the weight of my love-bombing/anxious need to detach and tell me that just like me, they need rest sometimes and that it’s not rest from ME. This communication allowed me to make choices in response. I realized internally, not just intellectually, that I really needed rest. After 20+ years of fight-flight-freeze I was exhausted and something in me had to change. So I acted on what I knew more than what I felt. My feelings became things to talk about with my partner, but what I knew became the guide for my actions. I “knew” that I wasn’t going to die from opening up my heart, heartbreak wasn’t a death sentence, discomfort is manageable and the only “problem” was my own inner voice… so there wasn’t any problem. My partner was great and I knew if I wanted to share a life with them I just… could. Simple as that. It feels surreal to know that absolutely no one is in my way. I know that I can literally choose to be happy right now. I know that I can choose that warm flutter in my stomach that I felt 2 years ago because I know the butterflies never left, I just started to detach from them for “protection”. And not long after I began to take intellectual-actions, I began to see the proof! Real TANGIBLE proof. My emotions had a much harder time arguing with me when I kept seeing more and more proof of my safety with my own two eyes Communication continues to help both of us because it also allows my partner to “keep track” of themselves. They know how many times we’ve had the same exact conversations and if that’s a problem for them. A relationship with me comes with cycles that can get dangerously close to spirals. Is that harmful for them? Loving me is the easy part but is a relationship with me healthy for them? Maybe we can compromise, but what are our nonnegotiables? Can I have an “anxiety space” in the house? Does my partner need date nights to be about US being together and not MY emotional baggage? Maybe for just 1-2 hours? These are genuine conversations we’ve had. A couple of years ago even thinking about those questions would’ve sent me spiraling, but because we’d been so consistent in our communication we were able to build up to some hard talks. No, they didn’t always go well, but we chose individually to stay physically and emotionally because we knew where we stood with each other. They weren’t blindsided because I quietly slipped out the back door (literally or otherwise) And you know the tangible proof I saw. My partner saw me accepting that proof with their own eyes. And then they had proof that I wasn’t going to run I know my situation doesn’t apply to everyone but I hope it helps someone. Communication is so important because it often makes us look inward. It allows the people in our lives to hold us accountable and for us to do the same. We can be forced to make actual decisions, voice those decisions, and accept the consequences for them both good and bad. It can expose us to others and to ourselves. Even our acquaintances would know deep and important things about us. Actions can go unnoticed and be misinterpreted, but a face-to-face conversation is harder to manipulate - even with gaslighting. Talking is the absolute best for creating and maintaining intimacy. Or reigniting it. Talking can also make it crystal clear to us when it’s time to leave. Intimacy still makes me uncomfortable but I know it’s good and so I act on it. But talking allows me and mine to get intimacy when and how we need it both as a couple and as individuals. If we can’t talk about something then we can’t really expect anyone to provide it for us. Even if they tried to provide it, how would they know? What if it’s not the right fit? Some people will actually start to feel resentment because of how often they “fail” us because we chose not to communicate with them. Just food for thought Anyway, I’m currently confronting my codependency (which I didn’t know I had) and it’s tough and VERY uncomfortable. And there’s nothing wrong with that 🙂
The amount of times I’ve been told to go home and that he needs to “process things”, the suppressed emotions and “I’m fine”s and walking on eggshells. It’s such a relief finally putting a name to the issues the guy had that broke up with me a few days ago. Makes me feel not so damn crazy
This is an exact description of what a Narcissist does as well. Love bomb, pull away, discard, ghost, text you they miss you a month or 2 later and the cycle continues. That doesn't mean every avoidant person is a narcissist but every narcissist is definitely avoidant, with one exception. They will never take ownership of their actions or commit to real therapy because eventually they end up just blaming you for their actions and so much more. It would be difficult for me to decipher an avoidant from a Narcissist so if I were to encounter this behavior again, it would be a red flag and I would end things. Not doing any of that BS again.
At the end of a nearly 12 year relationship, many years of marriage. I’m exhausted. He said I do, but never believed himself, and never committed, or acted like it. I don’t know which is worse, them running away, or them staying and being cold and speaking to you in contempt.
The worst is when they project expectations you don't have and don't believe the truth and act like you're too needy when it's all in their head. Then of course they act so dismissive that you do start to want validation to make sure things are actually ok. I also dated someone for years who wanted commitment but no emotional connection, it destroyed my confidence. Never again yo
The way you explained the DA made it so absolutely clear. I’m the one that walked away after years of this behavior. Bread crumbing is real along with all these other behaviors. You reinforced my stance and every day I’m getting better. I sincerely wish all the DA’s healing and wholeness. I wish those hurt and even devastated by DA’s fulfillment and joy in place of the pain.
That is my experience of a couple of DA’s and the last one I decided never again to let someone like that back in. If he lets you go so easily, it means he was never invested in the first place. He’s dead to me now. (Romantically speaking). I promised myself to never talk to ghosts again and to protect my own heart and wellbeing. I don’t want to be with anyone who is not courageous enough to face their own shadow and take personal responsibility for their actions. You are right there is no empathy from a DA for causing so much emotional pain and heartache. It’s just brushed off as if it’s nothing. I will never put myself in the position of being open to a DA and allowing them to hurt me.
I was in a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant for three long years. He behaved exactly as you described. He never took accountability or responsibility for his own poor behavior, but he always tried to find a way to make things my fault. He refused to recognize his own issues and would not get therapy. He insisted that he did not have a problem. Very sad. He's a lonely 66 year-old man who has never been married and doesn't have children. I have moved on with my life. He reaches out fairly often with his bids for attention. I respond kindly, but do not encourage him. I feel sorry for him.😢
Oh hey look it’s my husband. Confronted him about how he completely stopped showing physical signs of affection when we got married and he admitted he didn’t like that PDA or physical affection at all but he “wasn’t just going to admit that” while we were dating. So I was lied to about what this relationship would look like. What he said hurt me in a way I’ll never forget.
@@lefish5277 Same except it was with physical intimacy. After a short honeymoon phase, mine ceased initiating any sort of intimacy or affection and rejects every advance I make. It feels like I was duped, tricked into a relationship because he knew no one would want to settle for this otherwise.
Similar, here. My wife said she loved life (something I never noticed anyone say, except myself), valued self-improvement, was happy to bear us a child, and, most emphatically, wanted to work together on healthy finances and business endeavors. Guess which one of those she began to back out on after we got married and conceived? Hint: it starts with an "A" and the ending rhymes with "fall."
Same. Ex husband was all loving til we had a kid. Then he got new sofas and said: this one is mine...and that's yours. No more cuddles or holding hands to watch a movie. Just him expecting sex whenevwr he wanted it. With no love 💔😢
@@sjla2009 painful, my first wife did something similar but without the clarity. i figured out, yesrs later, that it's mostly men treating their wives the way you got treated but it can happen the other way around, too. for the record, I'm happy with my current wife. we're not going to have these issues foreever. but jeez, is she struggling to express herself.
This is no joke! My exGF is currently doing this almost word for word and she is trying to convince me that she discarded me because I wanted her to. As the one who was discarded I am losing my mind try to stay focused on what really occurred. This is unbelievably accurate. Thanks for sharing! Now, if I can only figure out how to help the next dude in her life before its too late!
@@Jons01 Absolutely.... even if they won't blame the other person, they will resort to binary thinking.... "I'm just not a relationship person" or "I'm just better by myself". Instead of reflecting on the fact that part of their emotional development got stunted.... and they have the ability and agency to change themselves.
Exactly. I’ve sent videos from Heidi Priebe to help my relationship she didn’t even bother to watch. The gaslighting. The blame. The emotional disconnect. Drives a man crazy. Love yourself folks!
@@tagir9123 Glad for anyone trying to make improvement and raise their self awareness. Also glad you are here! It has been my experience that avoidants tend to be the least likely to self-reflect. They tend to double down on their coping mechanisms. I realize I'm very much stereotyping, but it is matches my experience.
This is helpful! This year I connected with an dismissive avoidant and as a secure attached girl… It was one of the most painful, self esteem and worth eroding, confusing, disheartening things I’ve ever experienced. I am a very Loving, Affectionate, Emotionally, Authentic, Vulnerable expressive woman…and dealing with a man like this was so heartbreaking…You can’t care or love them enough into changing… I found it very easy to as an empath start compromising your needs, wants and desires and start focusing on him. Knowing someone likes you and wants to be with you and cares about you and they won’t express it.. takes a toll… Sounds about par!
Same happened to me. Learned my lesson the hard way, still learning to set healthy boundaries and stop being responsible for other unmature men who can't be fixed. .😢
@@89DeluCs omg yessss and such a fragile sense of self. They feel attacked and like every little thing said becomes conflict. It’s ridiculous. A person can only handle so much…
@89DeluCs Its a horrible experience makes you feel like you don't even exist, they constantly blow up like a bomb and be rude and selfish by me just asking a question, starting to think these people came out of Satan's hole just to destroy good relationships for a reason because they sure as hell, don't show any kindness, love or empathy, just coldness, rudeness and express themselves in an aggressive manner.
This is so totally right on. That’s exactly what my DA did to me over and over. Breadcrumb with me I got the whole works. I have to see him three times a week at church. It has taken me a long time to get over him. I will not look at him. Smile at him, wave at him nothing he tried recently to get me to pay attention to him again follow me around, stare at me, hoping I would take the bait. Not this time buddy. I’ve had enough of your crap. I’ve moved on and good riddance!!!!
@@snuggleb100 yes- I finally blocked him on my phone so I wouldn’t keep checking to see if he responded to me. He makes a comment to open a conversation, I ask an open-ended question like “how was your trip?” And no answer for two days. That was the last one. He said we’re not really dating any more but wants to keep me as a special friend, and never calls me. So I’m in limbo again and concluded this is not the relationship I want. Now I need to figure out how to find someone who will give me the relationship I want. The dismissive was another stepping stone but at the beginning I thought he would be the last one
If people could consciously see what they are doing they'd first need to know where to even start with helping themselves. I am avoidant and honestly it's been very hard to find the right kind of help. I have done a significant amount of breath work to regulate my nervous system and release energetic patterns of trauma, I have spoken to different psychologists who have sometimes validated me and the reasons I pulled away (verbal abuse from my partner) I have seen kinesiologists who have also not agreed with some of my partners behaviour. I come to videos like these sometimes to get perspective from the other side and generally I feel a lot of people including this channel are taking the piss out of people with insecure attachment styles in particular the avoidant. What they don't understand is the trauma and abuse from psychical to psychological and emotional some people have experienced to get to this point. I was once a very open and unconditionally loving person that didn't run from connection. I hope I can find that in myself again one day
There is hope! God has really shown me that there is most definitely healing for the avoidant. The more the person becomes educated in the facts about why they do what they do, they are then aware and can choose to behave differently when they get triggered. It won't feel good at first to face our fears, our pain, or the shame. But it's the only way. God brings to our remembrance what was the root cause of our issues and He lovingly counsels us through it all. He brings healing so it doesn't hurt so bad to the point that we would rather run and hurt the other person than to ever have to face ourselves. Letting ourself receive healing from our Creator who knows everything about our life and and being self sacrificial in a healthy loving way to our partner is the key to success. ❤
I was like this too, heartache on top of top of childhood traumas was my root causes. Took years of self evaluation, energy work, time in nature, detoxing my body, fasting, diet change, forgiveness of those thst hurt me as a child. Forgiveness for me hurting myself or allowing others to hurt me. It's work. Seems like as an empath I give in to these types of men now, proving i can put n the work it takes to be in a relationship, I can effectively communicate now that my throat chakra isn't blocked, express my feelings.
Please find someone who is using Clean Language in therapy - like following David Grove method - it could be a real game changer for you. Also - look for The Wholeness Process and Core Transformation and also Non Violant Communication (NVC) - they can be useful for you to relax your fears, and even transform it into something much better. I am sharing as these three methods created in me a profound change. And the Clean Language - I am now learning to use it with others and to use with my own thoughts. It will change your entire life. It has changed mine and it is changing my family and relatives life too and also at work - HUGE shift. 3 years and I am totally different person, while before I was lost.. All the best!
It would be lovely to meet the dismissive avoidant after the self-awareness and healing period! They’d be like “normal” people with problems they actually work on instead of run from.
THIS!!!!!!! EXACTLY...💯 💯 💯!!! It'd be awesome to meet up again sometime with the healed version of my ex'BF who's a Dismissive Avoidant with Fearful Avoidant tendencies.
Oh boy,. That's a very accurate description of the whole ordeal. I am on the second distancing phase. But to be honest, all this pain has been very useful to me. Because, of course, nobody pointed a gun to my head to make me look for an Avoidant for a partner. It is I who decided. So, why did I do it? Why did I chose to be in this kind of relationship? It has been a harsh training camp to face my own insecurities and I have learnt so much.
@@javiercarrera6092 : I’m in this phase now also… I too have dealt with so so much pain over the past 3 yrs. A person can only take so much. I’ve cried so many tears from feeling abandoned to the person that sheds no tears and could care less. It’s such a tough situation to go through, but such a learning experience. Learning about ourself. Like why? How can we heal? How can we not feel abandonment? And learning to love ourselves more than trying to love someone incapable of loving us back…
Wow!!!!! So accurate 😂😢😂😢 I was treated exactly this way. And I have anxious attachment so, you can imagine how devastating that was for me being abandoned.
This sounds a lot like my wife and I. She broke off things thanksgiving didn’t say a word just kept the conversation to one word responses till I finally asked her outright. She unloaded on me and I was caught off guard. I had no idea. I haven’t been a perfect husband but 12 yrs of never leaving each others side to no contact at all I didn’t deserve that. I’m devastated truly.
Sorry to hear that. It's painful to know that someone you loved deeply can walk away or discard you without a second thought. Blessings for healing 🙏🏽. It's a journey but keep moving forward and focus on being happy and you're future. God's got you!
At least you're fairly young and have time but let me tell you ,you're not gonna be the same after if you find the strength to give yourself to anyone after that you're stronger then me
Thank you. I’m going to watch this every time he tries to use me again. I’ve already played the fool with him a million times over. Unfortunately, I didn’t know anything about attachment styles when I fell for him. And he accepted my fearful avoidant behavior. It felt good to be accepted by someone who knew what a mess I was. But now, I’m healing and he is not. I’m embarrassed that he can still reel me in and then throw me in the trash. I pray that I will immediately recognize the signs of a DA in the future and NEVER start a relationship with one ever again.
If this resonates in any way, know that if you HEAL YOUR TRAUMA the hoovering and manipulation from other people CAN'T work because you clear your trauma and validate yourself so you don't need ANYONE else and you see straight through their BLLSHT! 😅
Wow this describes me! Thank you so much for posting this 🙏🏼 This helps me to do healing and fix this issue. Never knew this is what it was called. I desire real love and to be married one day but I fear rejection and push every person away because the two people I’ve been w/ have hurt me tremendously and growing up my parents also were emotionally abusive and distant. Thank you Jesus for this video🙏🏼
Your description sounds exactly like my soon to be ex husband. This man has never taken accountability for anything he has done. He denies everything and blamed me for it all. He left and went more than a month without calling me or anything and when I ask him what is wrong I get blamed for everything. He doesn't talk things out, just goes ghost in a marriage. Doesn't try to change or work on everything so I gave up and I'm filing for divorce.
Thank you! You're really helping to cope with the trauma that dismissive-avoidant gives. And I find it kinda cheap because I don't remember love bombing, anything special, slightly clingy in the beginning and a rush but gives no extra effort. I feel like, I need to raise my standards when this behavior is not impressive at all. Wish fast healing for all fella who was victimized by this crapy partners.
Social media and Phantom Ex syndrome are variables too, I feel. "Why settle for one flavor when I can have a different flavor when I wish via a dating app? If so, they must have all the qualities that were good about my previous flames and none of the negatives."
What a wonderful world it would be if people actually healed. Personally that's why I ONLY deal with people who were mature enough to do so. It's a small amount but I've found that relationships are only worth it if you're dealing with a healed person.
Best description EVER… although some of us DA’s do this with a lot more empathy and blame on ourselves - when we don’t understand ourselves… and then think we’re incapable of relationships 😢
This is the kind of person I am. I feel so awful about it. But was raised to believe I am stupid, worthless, and would never be safe. And then in my romantic relationships whenever I was wronged was always too afraid to speak up, which built up resentment. For now I have sworn off dating for years, I don't know if I can heal but I don't want to hurt anyone else again. It all happens like this where you start out hoping it will be different this time, and then it's like your body eventually has a reaction of paralysis, shutting down, being afraid of being suffocated in the relationship it's like I start getting panic attacks about the idea that I've connected myself so much to this person and now what if I want out, then I feel stuck like I can't get out? I really don't know what the solution is because I keep having those panicked thoughts even if I really liked the person. So I'm just swearing off relationships, so I don't do that to another person again. I don't want to be a net negative on the world and people around me.
Get therapy and be open with your partner. The love of my life behaved exactly as the video and she knew her attachment style, therapy etc. Even then she told me she couldn't give me what I needed etc and just ghosted me for the last 4 months. I hate myself for falling for her so deeply. I am secure and I could've helped her to heal if she had openly communicated these deeper feelings. Now I'm in pieces and trying to heal alone from this. Don't stop trying to understand yourself and take even small actions to heal ❤
Thanks for sharing your story no excuses though go get help. If you can be self aware willing and accountable with empathy there is no reason you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone but you need professional help to at least get you going. Also make sure you notify your partner and educate them or Point them in the direction so they learn how to deal with you. And we need to know the effects it has on you guys and the reasons everything's out there is on how it affects us and it's absolutely horrible what it does to us avoidant need to have empathy and they need to do a normal breakup no more discarding But do some research on the effects it does to you as well like what does it release cortisol or what I mean it releases chemicals in us and there are effects as well on you become self aware We need to stop this toxicity we need to stop destroying each other over selfishness
It makes me super happy I went to therapy and became aware of all of this so I could learn how to communicate, commit, and talk myself through my triggers while becoming more vulnerable about my triggers with a long term partner. Therapy helps ❤❤❤
He is totally right! I don’t care if that behavior is a childhood trauma or any kind of trauma! That doesn’t give them any right to mess up with normal people’s emotions and self esteem! If they aren’t ready to be Norma they should stay away from others that are emotionally available! Their behavior is very selfish and self center!
@@xiaohuli96true. Takes self awareness that takes time. It’s self protection from trauma. In that respect it’s not “wrong” at all. People need to be patient with one another in order to grow. It’s also not a permanent state. We are all fluid. People throw around abuse and narcissistic abuse WAY too much
@@SpecialBlanket if you're in a relationship with someone love bombing them and romancing them but all the while knowing you don't mean it that is tickery. That is lies. That is low life behavior.
Chillingly accurate. And it does help, whatever stage we're at with this person and why! After the relationship was over, I began to suspect he was feeding of my warmth and interest in him. And you reveal that exactly!!
There is a similar pattern for non-romantic relationships as well. It doesn’t have to be a love interest. They could also mock you for not being independent
You just cleared up years of questioning what went wrong. He was so attentive and genuine until all of a sudden he wasn't. I never understood how he could go from caring about me and wanting to take care of me emotionally, and supporting me while I was going through serious life changes, to all of a sudden saying to me, "I think you care more about me than I do you..." like what??? "Okay, well actually sounds more like you led me on so you could play hero for 3 months"
At least you weren't married to him. Imagine going through that, plus yhe stress of being married to a person who is not on your team and wasting years of your life to then get divorced, only to see him marry the next person he meets.
Hit the nail on the head. Exactly how it is and feels. I hope my friend gets help and fixes his life, but I have to say the loss and heartbreak is a killer 😢
I know someone who did all these things when I was too young and didn't know a thing about these avoidant personalities. Fortunately I left him on time to build a family with a kind man. Thank You for sharing this knowledge, very useful for young people.
This happens inside of long term relationships too, when they do something incredibly hurtful but can't/won't explain why, don't know why they did it, and don't show enough real empathy because they won't atone.
If you have this, it’s not your fault, but you do need to get help for it. Usually traces back to the fact that you didn’t feel secure in your earliest days. There was a failure of the primary caregivers to give you that insecurity that you’re lovable. Don’t beat yourself up get some help.
I would not have guessed I was avoidant myself, if I wasn't discarded by one. I damn near ghosted her myself, when the discard revealed the feelings I had been avoiding, which lead to an episode of pure "get out, the house is burning down" panic which brought me to the edge of deleting her from my life. But I had to get behind the weirdness, and once I figured out a part of the puzzle by myself and I was looking for help on recovery, I started finding videos like this one, that makes it all so clear.
I can't say I like being in that time again having to watch videos about what just happened, but nonetheless I am very thankful for this video. It's so odd how accurately it lines up with recent events in my life... just so odd.
Boundaries. Something I recently learned is that a lack of or not knowing how to assert boundaries is a huge reason why this happens, for some of us. I had boundaries, but it was a new thing for me, so I didn't know how to defend those boundaries without feeling guilted into giving those boundaries up, ESPECIALLY to a person who has no respect for boundaries to begin with. When everything I expressed being concerned about happened, I felt so betrayed and let down because the person I trusted to not lead my life into a spiraling hellhole did just that...despite my warnings and personal experiences with those things. I actually did my best to not be avoidant about my feelings the whole entire time, I just lacked the follow through because I let him cause me to doubt myself, and I also had my own self esteem issues...always thinking "Maybe I'm the one who needs to just let go of the past and let new things have a chance to take root" instead of telling myself, "Sure, I don't want to live my life in fear of what *could* happen just because of bad experiences, but I *get* to have my boundaries too, and if a simple "no" is too much for others to handle, then I do not need to fear upsetting them or making them feel bad...maybe we really aren't meant to be if this is the case. I deserve to be with people who can work *with* me and not against me."
Shouldn’t the end goal be that boundaries on both sides slowly come down as you get more and more comfortable with each other? boundaries won’t last forever and probably shouldn’t otherwise there’s no bonding going on at all. You supposed to be building a relationship, ofc I’m not saying you can’t have them but they should eventually be able to go down at your own discretion and admittedly at your own risk. That’s why it’s called vulnerability.
@@Snow_is_Phertil A healthy respect for boundaries is vital for building the kind of trust that can help people work this out. Healthy boundaries and respecting those boundaries are an absolute must. If I'm in a relationship and I say "I wont deal with being guilted into doing sexual acts that I'm not comfortable with", then it's up to the other person to respect that, not try to pressure me out of it. Once the manipulation tactics begin and continue despite my transparency about my personal boundaries, my trust is lost and I am within my rights to act upon that by distancing myself from the person in whatever way I see fit. Trying to make me do things I'm not comfortable with doing should never be the end goal and is a massive sign of a controlling/predatory person. This is one of MANY examples. I refuse to ignore my own needs to make everyone else happy when all I'm doing is betraying myself and becoming a resentful person because I let people push me out of my personal boundaries.
@ fair but just to clarify you are the one that drops your own boundaries the other person doesn’t need to do anything except respect those boundaries but for the relationship like way way later those boundaries will naturally fade away not because your where manipulated but because you genuinely are in a better place to drop them.
We need someone who can see beyond these defence mechanisms (and see that’s what they actually are), work with us to heal, and be patient. Like everyone, we’re unaware of what we’re doing. But we can wake up and we can want to, and try to, change. It’s not easy but it’s possible - and rewarding for both partners.
We also need to know/learn/be taught that what we're doing is what it is (a cycle and it's generally from depreciated self-worth) and that there are healthier ways to be. Some of us don't learn that because we get into relationships with avoidants who detach from us/abandon us and teach us our emotions are too much/bad/wrong and anxious who are just as damaging and seem to enjoy having a victim complex while also refusing to give us space to process trigger anxiety in everyone. We all need a secure example to understand our own damage and we all need to not hurt that person in the process of healing ourselves.
wow the “I can’t give you what you need” really hit home. Wife recently told me this after 9 years married and 8 years dating… not even sure what she means. I never really had an expectation of how her love had to be or feel, I really only needed her respect.
Shockingly, perfectly accurate. After a brutal discard (exactly as described) i put 2 months of work in in myself and NC outside of work (coworker, oops). I finally had abandoned any hope & begun mov8ng on. Now my FA ex is suddenly liking my posts, showing interest, fi ding me at work, etc. Cycle 1 of re-seeking familiar validation. Wash rinse repeat.
I'm an FA, but have had relationships with DAs... the discard can be BRUTAL and devastating... but I've gotten better at recognizing the early signs of when they start feeling anxiety and suffocation, and back away! They're very challenging to even maintain a friendship with! They need absolute freedom to take space whenever they need it.
It only took one of those (and he wasn’t even a romantic relationship, he was a friend) for me to figure out the cheat code to at least mitigate the fallout: When you approach life and its experiences on a single serving basis, it keeps you from getting that attached (liable) to get hurt in the first place. Enjoy the fantasy phase, and when he starts showing signs of being an avoidant, know that the ride’s over, enjoy the memories and experiences and take them with you when you look for a real one. Before I figured this out, I was going through YT video after video on how to navigate that situation, how to find some way to still try to make it work. There’s only one way: hit eject. The only one who can fix or heal that person is themselves. And ironically, it’s that very avoidant disorder that would have them never see it let alone acknowledge or do anything about it. They’re emotionally handicapped, sorry to say. And unlike a physical disability, there’s no “adaptation” to still try to make a relationship with them work. Take the good (and the lessons) that you experienced with them, pack them up in your suitcase and gtf on down the road before another cycle starts and he hurts you again. It’s not abandonment, it’s saving yourself. You deserve a functional partner, they normalized that as regular coping. That alone rules them out. They were great for that initial meet cute, when they show signs is where you prepare to exit. Yes, even though he was just a friend, his avoidant disorder really hurt me that much. I leaned a lot 😓
This is accurate. And the real question is : how to teach children not to be scared of emotions, without them, we are numb. Suppressing emotions is like fighting against the flow of life. But the worst part is not feeling emotions, it is the fear of emotions. This fear is an illusion that we can go through. It's possible. ❤
Teaching children that while they are still dependents on mostly unconscious abusers is not such a great idea. In their circumstances, emotions are really a luxury.
i work with my dismissive avoidant ex and hes really mean to me at work, insulting me, icing me out of our social group by interrupting me, ignoring me, talking over me etc, he absolutely projects his pain onto me and writes me as a horrible person
I am this way and I am a female. I didn't know I was avoidant until I was 24. Now, I just let a guy know right away that he should not expect much from our connection, because I really cannot force myself to attach. If a guy says he wants a partner, I am out. I don't want to hurt anybody tbh.
Self reflect and theraphy do you realy want to live like your doing it right now? 😢 Or ask some one with an secure attachment how they see an relationship or they emotions I helped a friend DA this way but he was desperate and wanted a change
You're still avoiding your emotional problem here!😂 This is not self awareness. You just put out an excuse so the counterpart won't have a reason to get mad at you cause "this is how I am..." Start you fuckin healing journey and face your shadows instead of avoiding them. We all have flaws and traumas, the point here is to confront them. It's the only way to be free and gain inner peace. It's for your benefit first.
How about you just don't date. That would be good. Because casual turns to feelings for someone .. and this will happen no matter what. Or better yet. Just proactively change your life so you can fully enjoy it since we only get one shot. Or wait 25 years and see how you wasted all this time and hurt people anyway. And no I don't know you. Nor care for a response. I think if you know you're this way, seek help or keep entirely to yourself
I dated someone like this once. For the first six months it was like the dreamiest romance ever in the history of romances...the kind you read about in books and see in movies. He kept telling me I was his soul mate and we were going to fly to Jamaica one weekend...run away and get married. Then, it's like a switch flipped. He continued to love bomb and give out crumbs of affection and intimacy. I ended up broken-hearted, devastated, confused, angry at myself. After a lot of self reflection, I analyzed the whole relationship and discovered more about myself than I thought possible. I concluded he was in love with being in love. In essence, once the bubbles disappeared from the champagne, he was ready to move on to the next bottle for the dopamine rush he was addicted to.
The topper was "alone is the best choice for me" I heard that one right before the discard, now she's with someone new not alone. Me? I'm working on healing, yes alone. Odd how even that became a projection.
The BEST way to avoid is to jump into a new relationship and get the dopamine hit all over. Perhaps they don’t want a real person with problems and needs. They just want the happy drug feeling of unconditional love. Rinse. Repeat with partner after partner.
That was brilliant in every single second of it. I deeply appreciate you explaining what "Dave" couldn't and it completely validated what I knew about him being an amazing loveable person who I still love and befriended from a distance with no expectations on him so he would always know that he is amazing even when he doesn't need validating
There are levels to avoidants. Some will marry, have children & stay faithful but they’ll switch hot & cold, on & off, stone wall, never being 100% EMOTIONALLY invested. They’ll go to work, pay bills, attend church, give to the poor, be kind in general & coach little league and none of that requires emotional intimacy. He will bread crumb his wife, avoid physical or emotional intimacy, treat her like a Roomate or be so distant that she cries herself to sleep from the loneliness all while ppl say he’s such a great guy.
Yep... Exactly. He won't talk to me and literally drove away when I asked him if we could talk. He projected his hot and cold behavior onto me and it was driving me nuts! I hope eventually he heals himself.
Wow, this was exactly my last relationship. I ended up breaking up with him when he continued to disrespect me and blame me for the issues we were having instead of realizing his half of it. I truly hope he heals but I just couldn't do it anymore. My heart is so tired. I just want to heal. I miss feeling... Like I'm worth something.
omgsh I never knew this was a thing 😅 but it makes so much sense!! it stings a lil bit. I've realised a lot about myself and I don't want to be like this so I'm working on it. Thanks for sharing
It’s no way you just described my situation word for word without me even telling you what happen ..like this the first video I’ve watched where u literally hit everything on the head ..like Man U are a wise guy ❤️ I appreciate this video so much ..I literally just got one of those random bread crumb text messages after the no contact since like September but I ignored her ..I’m over it i gave way too much of myself to that individual im done ..
Well put, but tbh I think avoidants can't even understand and acknowledge their behaviour in the first place. And let's just say that if you keep falling for their "breadcumbs" time over time and still feeling hurt, then you got some work to do as well. We all deserve to be loved but let's not wait or rush for others to give us what we can't give ourselves better. Yes, I'm thinking about love, and mostly, compassion. Have compassion for yourself, allow yourself to be who you are, to feel deeply, accept the wholeness within and then you'll see others in the same light. Have the courage to turn within yourself and the world around you will evolve with you. Everyone has their own journey and we can all help each other grow and feel more secure. Just don't give up on yourself ❤
This is all because of childhood traumas. If people could face them and work on these traumas, there would be more successful relationships.
For everyone.
If people were given classes -based on objective research results- on how to parent, there might be less childhood trauma. Also? Helmets. Wayyyyy more helmets.
The problem with mentally ill people is that they damage hurt and devastate other people.
If they have any sense of conscience or responsibility, they should self isolate, stay away (from relationships) and focus on other areas life, talents, work, travel.
Relationships, families, marriages, long term committed dyads, are only one minuscule part of life. The compulsive focus on forcing people with mental illness to function in marriages and bear children is unconscionably immoral - because these people should not have children.
They can be amazing artists, scientists, even politicians; but they should restrict and constrict their personal lives - because there are other people involved.
And we all owe to each other a debt; other people have rights which impose obligations. The number one right is - do not harm.
Sam Vaknin
@@n0b0d1-rc6dzwell you would have to be mentally ill as well to even deal with someone like this. Relationships are mirrors to our subconscious programming. It’s best for everyone to handle their own shit just because you’re not avoidant doesn’t mean you also don’t have issues, no one is perfect!
@@n0b0d1-rc6dzThe only Right anyone has or will ever have is the Right To Say (and do) No.
Bypassing someone's "No" is the basis and quintessence of every Common Law crime. And it is the fundamental difference between the resulting emotions of either appreciation or disdain.
Straight up. I wish they taught this in schools, it would save a lot of heartache. Attachment styles lets go.
Communication is helping me break the cycle. When I want to detach… I tell them. That allows them to ask questions while holding me accountable, and while it’s extremely uncomfortable, I have to face my emotions (and theirs) which is what I need tbh
Good for you. There is nothing here on healing, but it is possible.
@ I didn’t want to spill my whole life story but the end goal for me is to heal
Proud of you! My partner is doing the same thing right now and I know it rough for him but it’s been amazing as a couple and I see such progress already:) don’t want to get my hopes up yet but, it does make a difference! Good luck!
@@Theveganlaowai encouragement from my partner was/is EVERYTHING. Anxiety insists that I detach for my “protection” and even though I know that staying open is safe now, old traumas die hard. Yes, I’m an adult that can say no and make boundaries and enforce those boundaries. Yes, I know intellectually that I can choose better for myself now. BUT, I still have to (and can) internalize the truth for myself - I have to start believing what I know; I’m safe, I need to communicate, my partner doesn’t want to hurt me, etc.
Ok, I guess I will spill my whole life 😅
My partner was consistent with their communication as well. They couldn’t always expend energy on my behalf but they always kept me in the loop about it. If they needed alone time I was aware that they weren’t abandoning me. They would get tired of the weight of my love-bombing/anxious need to detach and tell me that just like me, they need rest sometimes and that it’s not rest from ME. This communication allowed me to make choices in response. I realized internally, not just intellectually, that I really needed rest. After 20+ years of fight-flight-freeze I was exhausted and something in me had to change. So I acted on what I knew more than what I felt. My feelings became things to talk about with my partner, but what I knew became the guide for my actions. I “knew” that I wasn’t going to die from opening up my heart, heartbreak wasn’t a death sentence, discomfort is manageable and the only “problem” was my own inner voice… so there wasn’t any problem. My partner was great and I knew if I wanted to share a life with them I just… could. Simple as that. It feels surreal to know that absolutely no one is in my way. I know that I can literally choose to be happy right now. I know that I can choose that warm flutter in my stomach that I felt 2 years ago because I know the butterflies never left, I just started to detach from them for “protection”. And not long after I began to take intellectual-actions, I began to see the proof! Real TANGIBLE proof. My emotions had a much harder time arguing with me when I kept seeing more and more proof of my safety with my own two eyes
Communication continues to help both of us because it also allows my partner to “keep track” of themselves. They know how many times we’ve had the same exact conversations and if that’s a problem for them. A relationship with me comes with cycles that can get dangerously close to spirals. Is that harmful for them? Loving me is the easy part but is a relationship with me healthy for them? Maybe we can compromise, but what are our nonnegotiables? Can I have an “anxiety space” in the house? Does my partner need date nights to be about US being together and not MY emotional baggage? Maybe for just 1-2 hours? These are genuine conversations we’ve had. A couple of years ago even thinking about those questions would’ve sent me spiraling, but because we’d been so consistent in our communication we were able to build up to some hard talks. No, they didn’t always go well, but we chose individually to stay physically and emotionally because we knew where we stood with each other. They weren’t blindsided because I quietly slipped out the back door (literally or otherwise)
And you know the tangible proof I saw. My partner saw me accepting that proof with their own eyes. And then they had proof that I wasn’t going to run
I know my situation doesn’t apply to everyone but I hope it helps someone. Communication is so important because it often makes us look inward. It allows the people in our lives to hold us accountable and for us to do the same. We can be forced to make actual decisions, voice those decisions, and accept the consequences for them both good and bad. It can expose us to others and to ourselves. Even our acquaintances would know deep and important things about us. Actions can go unnoticed and be misinterpreted, but a face-to-face conversation is harder to manipulate - even with gaslighting. Talking is the absolute best for creating and maintaining intimacy. Or reigniting it. Talking can also make it crystal clear to us when it’s time to leave. Intimacy still makes me uncomfortable but I know it’s good and so I act on it. But talking allows me and mine to get intimacy when and how we need it both as a couple and as individuals. If we can’t talk about something then we can’t really expect anyone to provide it for us. Even if they tried to provide it, how would they know? What if it’s not the right fit? Some people will actually start to feel resentment because of how often they “fail” us because we chose not to communicate with them. Just food for thought
Anyway, I’m currently confronting my codependency (which I didn’t know I had) and it’s tough and VERY uncomfortable. And there’s nothing wrong with that 🙂
👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿 thank you for being bold, courageous and taking accountability. Please continue to commmunicate
The amount of times I’ve been told to go home and that he needs to “process things”, the suppressed emotions and “I’m fine”s and walking on eggshells. It’s such a relief finally putting a name to the issues the guy had that broke up with me a few days ago. Makes me feel not so damn crazy
This is an exact description of what a Narcissist does as well. Love bomb, pull away, discard, ghost, text you they miss you a month or 2 later and the cycle continues. That doesn't mean every avoidant person is a narcissist but every narcissist is definitely avoidant, with one exception. They will never take ownership of their actions or commit to real therapy because eventually they end up just blaming you for their actions and so much more. It would be difficult for me to decipher an avoidant from a Narcissist so if I were to encounter this behavior again, it would be a red flag and I would end things. Not doing any of that BS again.
Its the most selfish and hurtful thing I've experienced being on the receiving end.
Right!
@user-kj8yj5en6g I feel your pain, it hurts these people don't care they probably get off seeing you hurt and questioning your sanity.
That would be a narcissist or person with ASPD not an avoidant personality.@@MrCharmz81
At the end of a nearly 12 year relationship, many years of marriage. I’m exhausted. He said I do, but never believed himself, and never committed, or acted like it. I don’t know which is worse, them running away, or them staying and being cold and speaking to you in contempt.
This happens in platonic friendships and romances with dismissive avoidants.
I was just about to say that.
I’ve been a silent follower for a bit, this is my first comment I believe. You REALLY nailed this one 😮💨😅
The worst is when they project expectations you don't have and don't believe the truth and act like you're too needy when it's all in their head. Then of course they act so dismissive that you do start to want validation to make sure things are actually ok. I also dated someone for years who wanted commitment but no emotional connection, it destroyed my confidence. Never again yo
The way you explained the DA made it so absolutely clear. I’m the one that walked away after years of this behavior. Bread crumbing is real along with all these other behaviors. You reinforced my stance and every day I’m getting better. I sincerely wish all the DA’s healing and wholeness. I wish those hurt and even devastated by DA’s fulfillment and joy in place of the pain.
That was scary accurate on how they actually do you. Every word, every sentence, every excuse was on point. Thank you sir.
Wow! You described the dismissive avoidant I’ve been dating. Wonderful times together then after getting close he disappears for weeks,months.
That is my experience of a couple of DA’s and the last one I decided never again to let someone like that back in. If he lets you go so easily, it means he was never invested in the first place. He’s dead to me now. (Romantically speaking). I promised myself to never talk to ghosts again and to protect my own heart and wellbeing. I don’t want to be with anyone who is not courageous enough to face their own shadow and take personal responsibility for their actions. You are right there is no empathy from a DA for causing so much emotional pain and heartache. It’s just brushed off as if it’s nothing. I will never put myself in the position of being open to a DA and allowing them to hurt me.
I was in a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant for three long years. He behaved exactly as you described. He never took accountability or responsibility for his own poor behavior, but he always tried to find a way to make things my fault. He refused to recognize his own issues and would not get therapy. He insisted that he did not have a problem. Very sad. He's a lonely 66 year-old man who has never been married and doesn't have children. I have moved on with my life. He reaches out fairly often with his bids for attention. I respond kindly, but do not encourage him. I feel sorry for him.😢
Oh hey look it’s my husband. Confronted him about how he completely stopped showing physical signs of affection when we got married and he admitted he didn’t like that PDA or physical affection at all but he “wasn’t just going to admit that” while we were dating. So I was lied to about what this relationship would look like. What he said hurt me in a way I’ll never forget.
@@lefish5277 Same except it was with physical intimacy. After a short honeymoon phase, mine ceased initiating any sort of intimacy or affection and rejects every advance I make. It feels like I was duped, tricked into a relationship because he knew no one would want to settle for this otherwise.
@babysam3768 same. Mine was wanting children.
Similar, here. My wife said she loved life (something I never noticed anyone say, except myself), valued self-improvement, was happy to bear us a child, and, most emphatically, wanted to work together on healthy finances and business endeavors.
Guess which one of those she began to back out on after we got married and conceived?
Hint: it starts with an "A" and the ending rhymes with "fall."
Same. Ex husband was all loving til we had a kid. Then he got new sofas and said: this one is mine...and that's yours. No more cuddles or holding hands to watch a movie. Just him expecting sex whenevwr he wanted it. With no love 💔😢
@@sjla2009 painful, my first wife did something similar but without the clarity. i figured out, yesrs later, that it's mostly men treating their wives the way you got treated but it can happen the other way around, too.
for the record, I'm happy with my current wife. we're not going to have these issues foreever. but jeez, is she struggling to express herself.
This is no joke! My exGF is currently doing this almost word for word and she is trying to convince me that she discarded me because I wanted her to. As the one who was discarded I am losing my mind try to stay focused on what really occurred. This is unbelievably accurate. Thanks for sharing! Now, if I can only figure out how to help the next dude in her life before its too late!
Dont bother bro
What is sad is that dismissive avoidants are the last people to actually watch a video like this.
They won't see themselves in this. They will actually blame the other person.
@@Jons01 Absolutely.... even if they won't blame the other person, they will resort to binary thinking.... "I'm just not a relationship person" or "I'm just better by myself".
Instead of reflecting on the fact that part of their emotional development got stunted.... and they have the ability and agency to change themselves.
Exactly. I’ve sent videos from Heidi Priebe to help my relationship she didn’t even bother to watch.
The gaslighting. The blame. The emotional disconnect. Drives a man crazy.
Love yourself folks!
Dude, what do you think I'm doing here
@@tagir9123 Glad for anyone trying to make improvement and raise their self awareness. Also glad you are here! It has been my experience that avoidants tend to be the least likely to self-reflect. They tend to double down on their coping mechanisms. I realize I'm very much stereotyping, but it is matches my experience.
This is helpful! This year I connected with an dismissive avoidant and as a secure attached girl… It was one of the most painful, self esteem and worth eroding, confusing, disheartening things I’ve ever experienced. I am a very Loving, Affectionate, Emotionally, Authentic, Vulnerable expressive woman…and dealing with a man like this was so heartbreaking…You can’t care or love them enough into changing… I found it very easy to as an empath start compromising your needs, wants and desires and start focusing on him. Knowing someone likes you and wants to be with you and cares about you and they won’t express it.. takes a toll… Sounds about par!
I learned you can't fix broken men. There is no such thing as a fairy tale ending. Not for a woman. Sad to say. Now I live a pretty peaceful life! ❤
Same happened to me. Learned my lesson the hard way, still learning to set healthy boundaries and stop being responsible for other unmature men who can't be fixed. .😢
Yes my DA is triggered you cannot have a conversation with a DA when is deactivated is like your are speacking with a wall isnt the same person 😢
I'm a DA
And that's true, I shutdown and I say I don't know to anything asked
@ntokotom147 can you help me with my girlfriend please to give me some advice we can excange social media or something to speack
@@89DeluCs omg yessss and such a fragile sense of self. They feel attacked and like every little thing said becomes conflict. It’s ridiculous. A person can only handle so much…
@89DeluCs Its a horrible experience makes you feel like you don't even exist, they constantly blow up like a bomb and be rude and selfish by me just asking a question, starting to think these people came out of Satan's hole just to destroy good relationships for a reason because they sure as hell, don't show any kindness, love or empathy, just coldness, rudeness and express themselves in an aggressive manner.
@ yessssss, this is spot on!
This is so totally right on. That’s exactly what my DA did to me over and over. Breadcrumb with me I got the whole works. I have to see him three times a week at church. It has taken me a long time to get over him. I will not look at him. Smile at him, wave at him nothing he tried recently to get me to pay attention to him again follow me around, stare at me, hoping I would take the bait. Not this time buddy. I’ve had enough of your crap. I’ve moved on and good riddance!!!!
@@snuggleb100 yes- I finally blocked him on my phone so I wouldn’t keep checking to see if he responded to me. He makes a comment to open a conversation, I ask an open-ended question like “how was your trip?” And no answer for two days. That was the last one. He said we’re not really dating any more but wants to keep me as a special friend, and never calls me. So I’m in limbo again and concluded this is not the relationship I want. Now I need to figure out how to find someone who will give me the relationship I want. The dismissive was another stepping stone but at the beginning I thought he would be the last one
If people could consciously see what they are doing they'd first need to know where to even start with helping themselves. I am avoidant and honestly it's been very hard to find the right kind of help. I have done a significant amount of breath work to regulate my nervous system and release energetic patterns of trauma, I have spoken to different psychologists who have sometimes validated me and the reasons I pulled away (verbal abuse from my partner) I have seen kinesiologists who have also not agreed with some of my partners behaviour. I come to videos like these sometimes to get perspective from the other side and generally I feel a lot of people including this channel are taking the piss out of people with insecure attachment styles in particular the avoidant. What they don't understand is the trauma and abuse from psychical to psychological and emotional some people have experienced to get to this point. I was once a very open and unconditionally loving person that didn't run from connection. I hope I can find that in myself again one day
There is hope! God has really shown me that there is most definitely healing for the avoidant. The more the person becomes educated in the facts about why they do what they do, they are then aware and can choose to behave differently when they get triggered. It won't feel good at first to face our fears, our pain, or the shame. But it's the only way. God brings to our remembrance what was the root cause of our issues and He lovingly counsels us through it all. He brings healing so it doesn't hurt so bad to the point that we would rather run and hurt the other person than to ever have to face ourselves. Letting ourself receive healing from our Creator who knows everything about our life and and being self sacrificial in a healthy loving way to our partner is the key to success. ❤
I was like this too, heartache on top of top of childhood traumas was my root causes. Took years of self evaluation, energy work, time in nature, detoxing my body, fasting, diet change, forgiveness of those thst hurt me as a child. Forgiveness for me hurting myself or allowing others to hurt me. It's work.
Seems like as an empath I give in to these types of men now, proving i can put n the work it takes to be in a relationship, I can effectively communicate now that my throat chakra isn't blocked, express my feelings.
Please find someone who is using Clean Language in therapy - like following David Grove method - it could be a real game changer for you.
Also - look for The Wholeness Process and Core Transformation and also Non Violant Communication (NVC) - they can be useful for you to relax your fears, and even transform it into something much better.
I am sharing as these three methods created in me a profound change.
And the Clean Language - I am now learning to use it with others and to use with my own thoughts.
It will change your entire life. It has changed mine and it is changing my family and relatives life too and also at work - HUGE shift. 3 years and I am totally different person, while before I was lost..
All the best!
It would be lovely to meet the dismissive avoidant after the self-awareness and healing period! They’d be like “normal” people with problems they actually work on instead of run from.
THIS!!!!!!! EXACTLY...💯 💯 💯!!! It'd be awesome to meet up again sometime with the healed version of my ex'BF who's a Dismissive Avoidant with Fearful Avoidant tendencies.
Most are psychopaths , sociopaths , or narcissists who are not capable of change.
@@loveafterloss108 I feel like that’s impossible for them.
Anyone else ever look at the avoidant during their relationship and be like WTF it was like you were looking at a robot. Just emotionless bizarre
Happened to me, but once the calls and texts started becoming less, I blocked and erased him everywhere. And changed my phone number. 😂
And never answer the door when they come over.
I blocked him and threw the number away
👏 👏 👏 👏
Oh boy,. That's a very accurate description of the whole ordeal. I am on the second distancing phase. But to be honest, all this pain has been very useful to me. Because, of course, nobody pointed a gun to my head to make me look for an Avoidant for a partner. It is I who decided. So, why did I do it? Why did I chose to be in this kind of relationship? It has been a harsh training camp to face my own insecurities and I have learnt so much.
@@javiercarrera6092 : I’m in this phase now also… I too have dealt with so so much pain over the past 3 yrs. A person can only take so much. I’ve cried so many tears from feeling abandoned to the person that sheds no tears and could care less. It’s such a tough situation to go through, but such a learning experience. Learning about ourself. Like why? How can we heal? How can we not feel abandonment? And learning to love ourselves more than trying to love someone incapable of loving us back…
"I've just been so busy lately". "Attacked" every time you try to talk about it. "I don't think I can fix this". BELIEVE THEM and RUN.
Wow!!!!! So accurate 😂😢😂😢 I was treated exactly this way. And I have anxious attachment so, you can imagine how devastating that was for me being abandoned.
We anxious attached Will be attracted to them until we heal
...and vice versa.
This sounds a lot like my wife and I.
She broke off things thanksgiving didn’t say a word just kept the conversation to one word responses till I finally asked her outright. She unloaded on me and I was caught off guard. I had no idea. I haven’t been a perfect husband but 12 yrs of never leaving each others side to no contact at all I didn’t deserve that. I’m devastated truly.
Sorry to hear that. It's painful to know that someone you loved deeply can walk away or discard you without a second thought. Blessings for healing 🙏🏽. It's a journey but keep moving forward and focus on being happy and you're future. God's got you!
My relationship just ended after 12 years as well.
@@kolawojtowicz2392 I’m sorry brother. I hope you find peace and happiness.
At least you're fairly young and have time but let me tell you ,you're not gonna be the same after if you find the strength to give yourself to anyone after that you're stronger then me
Thank you.
I’m going to watch this every time he tries to use me again.
I’ve already played the fool with him a million times over.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know anything about attachment styles when I fell for him.
And he accepted my fearful avoidant behavior. It felt good to be accepted by someone who knew what a mess I was.
But now, I’m healing and he is not. I’m embarrassed that he can still reel me in and then throw me in the trash.
I pray that I will immediately recognize the signs of a DA in the future and NEVER start a relationship with one ever again.
Amazing, spot on. I have had such a shot Christmas. Been totally destroyed. This has helped.
If this resonates in any way, know that if you HEAL YOUR TRAUMA the hoovering and manipulation from other people CAN'T work because you clear your trauma and validate yourself so you don't need ANYONE else and you see straight through their BLLSHT! 😅
As a dismissive avoidant;
Yup.
Wow, this is the best description ive heard in a while. Being on the receiving end fucks you up
Wow this describes me! Thank you so much for posting this 🙏🏼 This helps me to do healing and fix this issue. Never knew this is what it was called. I desire real love and to be married one day but I fear rejection and push every person away because the two people I’ve been w/ have hurt me tremendously and growing up my parents also were emotionally abusive and distant. Thank you Jesus for this video🙏🏼
Your description sounds exactly like my soon to be ex husband. This man has never taken accountability for anything he has done. He denies everything and blamed me for it all. He left and went more than a month without calling me or anything and when I ask him what is wrong I get blamed for everything. He doesn't talk things out, just goes ghost in a marriage. Doesn't try to change or work on everything so I gave up and I'm filing for divorce.
I just had this done to me, and it was agonizing as I never saw it coming. Betrayal is the worst pain in the world
I left 2 years ago. Got mild ptsd since. Healing slowly and trusting God .
Thank you! You're really helping to cope with the trauma that dismissive-avoidant gives. And I find it kinda cheap because I don't remember love bombing, anything special, slightly clingy in the beginning and a rush but gives no extra effort. I feel like, I need to raise my standards when this behavior is not impressive at all. Wish fast healing for all fella who was victimized by this crapy partners.
Wow. Is this a new epidemic? It seems to be occurring more and more.
Seems that way 😢
More people have cold childhood and traumatic relationship history.
Social media and Phantom Ex syndrome are variables too, I feel.
"Why settle for one flavor when I can have a different flavor when I wish via a dating app? If so, they must have all the qualities that were good about my previous flames and none of the negatives."
The older you get the more Avoidents are in the dating pool
@1999Chelsea Stay away and hope avoidant don't have children, so they don't continue the toxic cycle.
100 percent correct 😂😂😂 only 1 percent change stop the cap, its hard to fix if you keep blaming everyone else, these people take zero accountability.
So very true. Sadly
I don't want to change. I just want someone to respect my needs. I'll tell anyone straight up what I'm about and what I can offer.
What a wonderful world it would be if people actually healed. Personally that's why I ONLY deal with people who were mature enough to do so. It's a small amount but I've found that relationships are only worth it if you're dealing with a healed person.
@@SpecialBlanketgood luck with that
Best description EVER… although some of us DA’s do this with a lot more empathy and blame on ourselves - when we don’t understand ourselves… and then think we’re incapable of relationships 😢
So true. Some people don't even realize this is their behavior.
Hit that mark perfectly.
Do you mean you too?
That was disturbingly accurate. This has been done to me in all three of my romantic relationships. Never again.
This is the kind of person I am. I feel so awful about it. But was raised to believe I am stupid, worthless, and would never be safe. And then in my romantic relationships whenever I was wronged was always too afraid to speak up, which built up resentment. For now I have sworn off dating for years, I don't know if I can heal but I don't want to hurt anyone else again. It all happens like this where you start out hoping it will be different this time, and then it's like your body eventually has a reaction of paralysis, shutting down, being afraid of being suffocated in the relationship it's like I start getting panic attacks about the idea that I've connected myself so much to this person and now what if I want out, then I feel stuck like I can't get out? I really don't know what the solution is because I keep having those panicked thoughts even if I really liked the person.
So I'm just swearing off relationships, so I don't do that to another person again. I don't want to be a net negative on the world and people around me.
Get therapy and be open with your partner. The love of my life behaved exactly as the video and she knew her attachment style, therapy etc. Even then she told me she couldn't give me what I needed etc and just ghosted me for the last 4 months. I hate myself for falling for her so deeply. I am secure and I could've helped her to heal if she had openly communicated these deeper feelings. Now I'm in pieces and trying to heal alone from this. Don't stop trying to understand yourself and take even small actions to heal ❤
Thanks for sharing your story no excuses though go get help.
If you can be self aware willing and accountable with empathy there is no reason you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone but you need professional help to at least get you going.
Also make sure you notify your partner and educate them or Point them in the direction so they learn how to deal with you.
And we need to know the effects it has on you guys and the reasons everything's out there is on how it affects us and it's absolutely horrible what it does to us avoidant need to have empathy and they need to do a normal breakup no more discarding
But do some research on the effects it does to you as well like what does it release cortisol or what I mean it releases chemicals in us and there are effects as well on you become self aware
We need to stop this toxicity we need to stop destroying each other over selfishness
Absolutely one hundred percent correct, and also so incredibly painful
It makes me super happy I went to therapy and became aware of all of this so I could learn how to communicate, commit, and talk myself through my triggers while becoming more vulnerable about my triggers with a long term partner. Therapy helps ❤❤❤
You nailed it on the head and it exists in female friendships too not just opposite sex relationships.
The best is when they do this to you after you’re married. That’s fun.
Ouch. I'm sorry
Divorce if they leave you and sleep around
He is totally right! I don’t care if that behavior is a childhood trauma or any kind of trauma! That doesn’t give them any right to mess up with normal people’s emotions and self esteem! If they aren’t ready to be Norma they should stay away from others that are emotionally available! Their behavior is very selfish and self center!
It's not like we're doing it on purpose bruh.. but the clueless are always the first ones to judge, not surprising
@@xiaohuli96true. Takes self awareness that takes time. It’s self protection from trauma. In that respect it’s not “wrong” at all. People need to be patient with one another in order to grow. It’s also not a permanent state. We are all fluid.
People throw around abuse and narcissistic abuse WAY too much
@@xiaohuli96, sounds like have probably been acting just like the coach is describing. You should apologize for all the people you have hurt !
Yeah, but like… Did we promise you anything? Or did you assume?
@@SpecialBlanket if you're in a relationship with someone love bombing them and romancing them but all the while knowing you don't mean it that is tickery. That is lies. That is low life behavior.
Chillingly accurate. And it does help, whatever stage we're at with this person and why! After the relationship was over, I began to suspect he was feeding of my warmth and interest in him. And you reveal that exactly!!
There is a similar pattern for non-romantic relationships as well. It doesn’t have to be a love interest. They could also mock you for not being independent
You just cleared up years of questioning what went wrong. He was so attentive and genuine until all of a sudden he wasn't. I never understood how he could go from caring about me and wanting to take care of me emotionally, and supporting me while I was going through serious life changes, to all of a sudden saying to me, "I think you care more about me than I do you..." like what??? "Okay, well actually sounds more like you led me on so you could play hero for 3 months"
At least you weren't married to him. Imagine going through that, plus yhe stress of being married to a person who is not on your team and wasting years of your life to then get divorced, only to see him marry the next person he meets.
@@lunallena5594imagine thinking it's a contest...check yourself.
Hit the nail on the head. Exactly how it is and feels. I hope my friend gets help and fixes his life, but I have to say the loss and heartbreak is a killer 😢
Weird that this behavior is exactly the same as someone who’s addicted and manipulating a partner!
I know someone who did all these things when I was too young and didn't know a thing about these avoidant personalities. Fortunately I left him on time to build a family with a kind man.
Thank You for sharing this knowledge, very useful for young people.
This happens inside of long term relationships too, when they do something incredibly hurtful but can't/won't explain why, don't know why they did it, and don't show enough real empathy because they won't atone.
Just experienced this and it's so true. It's better to walk away.
If you have this, it’s not your fault, but you do need to get help for it. Usually traces back to the fact that you didn’t feel secure in your earliest days. There was a failure of the primary caregivers to give you that insecurity that you’re lovable. Don’t beat yourself up get some help.
I would not have guessed I was avoidant myself, if I wasn't discarded by one. I damn near ghosted her myself, when the discard revealed the feelings I had been avoiding, which lead to an episode of pure "get out, the house is burning down" panic which brought me to the edge of deleting her from my life. But I had to get behind the weirdness, and once I figured out a part of the puzzle by myself and I was looking for help on recovery, I started finding videos like this one, that makes it all so clear.
I can't say I like being in that time again having to watch videos about what just happened, but nonetheless I am very thankful for this video. It's so odd how accurately it lines up with recent events in my life... just so odd.
Boundaries. Something I recently learned is that a lack of or not knowing how to assert boundaries is a huge reason why this happens, for some of us. I had boundaries, but it was a new thing for me, so I didn't know how to defend those boundaries without feeling guilted into giving those boundaries up, ESPECIALLY to a person who has no respect for boundaries to begin with. When everything I expressed being concerned about happened, I felt so betrayed and let down because the person I trusted to not lead my life into a spiraling hellhole did just that...despite my warnings and personal experiences with those things. I actually did my best to not be avoidant about my feelings the whole entire time, I just lacked the follow through because I let him cause me to doubt myself, and I also had my own self esteem issues...always thinking "Maybe I'm the one who needs to just let go of the past and let new things have a chance to take root" instead of telling myself, "Sure, I don't want to live my life in fear of what *could* happen just because of bad experiences, but I *get* to have my boundaries too, and if a simple "no" is too much for others to handle, then I do not need to fear upsetting them or making them feel bad...maybe we really aren't meant to be if this is the case. I deserve to be with people who can work *with* me and not against me."
Shouldn’t the end goal be that boundaries on both sides slowly come down as you get more and more comfortable with each other?
boundaries won’t last forever and probably shouldn’t otherwise there’s no bonding going on at all.
You supposed to be building a relationship, ofc I’m not saying you can’t have them but they should eventually be able to go down at your own discretion and admittedly at your own risk.
That’s why it’s called vulnerability.
@@Snow_is_Phertil A healthy respect for boundaries is vital for building the kind of trust that can help people work this out. Healthy boundaries and respecting those boundaries are an absolute must. If I'm in a relationship and I say "I wont deal with being guilted into doing sexual acts that I'm not comfortable with", then it's up to the other person to respect that, not try to pressure me out of it. Once the manipulation tactics begin and continue despite my transparency about my personal boundaries, my trust is lost and I am within my rights to act upon that by distancing myself from the person in whatever way I see fit. Trying to make me do things I'm not comfortable with doing should never be the end goal and is a massive sign of a controlling/predatory person.
This is one of MANY examples. I refuse to ignore my own needs to make everyone else happy when all I'm doing is betraying myself and becoming a resentful person because I let people push me out of my personal boundaries.
@ fair but just to clarify you are the one that drops your own boundaries the other person doesn’t need to do anything except respect those boundaries but for the relationship like way way later those boundaries will naturally fade away not because your where manipulated but because you genuinely are in a better place to drop them.
Ugh this is scarier than hell.
We need someone who can see beyond these defence mechanisms (and see that’s what they actually are), work with us to heal, and be patient. Like everyone, we’re unaware of what we’re doing. But we can wake up and we can want to, and try to, change. It’s not easy but it’s possible - and rewarding for both partners.
We also need to know/learn/be taught that what we're doing is what it is (a cycle and it's generally from depreciated self-worth) and that there are healthier ways to be.
Some of us don't learn that because we get into relationships with avoidants who detach from us/abandon us and teach us our emotions are too much/bad/wrong and anxious who are just as damaging and seem to enjoy having a victim complex while also refusing to give us space to process trigger anxiety in everyone.
We all need a secure example to understand our own damage and we all need to not hurt that person in the process of healing ourselves.
Nope. People aren't required to coddle you and subject themselves to bs. It's called therapy. You should attend those sessions.
My x what a shameful thing to do to another person.. I can’t believe I had to go through this at 60 .. never again!!
Same
Dear Lord, my ex told me these very things. WORD FOR WORD. Over a few years time, either directly or as he described why he did what he did. Wow
wow the “I can’t give you what you need” really hit home. Wife recently told me this after 9 years married and 8 years dating… not even sure what she means. I never really had an expectation of how her love had to be or feel, I really only needed her respect.
😮😢
Shockingly, perfectly accurate. After a brutal discard (exactly as described) i put 2 months of work in in myself and NC outside of work (coworker, oops). I finally had abandoned any hope & begun mov8ng on. Now my FA ex is suddenly liking my posts, showing interest, fi ding me at work, etc. Cycle 1 of re-seeking familiar validation. Wash rinse repeat.
I'm an FA, but have had relationships with DAs... the discard can be BRUTAL and devastating... but I've gotten better at recognizing the early signs of when they start feeling anxiety and suffocation, and back away! They're very challenging to even maintain a friendship with! They need absolute freedom to take space whenever they need it.
What’s DA?
No they need therapy.
@@TheOConnFamily Dismissive Avoidant.
@@Katastr0phic_Katicorn Don't we all?
Unbelievably accurate. This completely describes the mentality of a dismissive avoidant.
The most oppressive partnership ever. I’m free now and am doing ok😌
and sometimes not. but this video is a good reminder not to be a delulu one and see through
It only took one of those (and he wasn’t even a romantic relationship, he was a friend) for me to figure out the cheat code to at least mitigate the fallout:
When you approach life and its experiences on a single serving basis, it keeps you from getting that attached (liable) to get hurt in the first place. Enjoy the fantasy phase, and when he starts showing signs of being an avoidant, know that the ride’s over, enjoy the memories and experiences and take them with you when you look for a real one. Before I figured this out, I was going through YT video after video on how to navigate that situation, how to find some way to still try to make it work. There’s only one way: hit eject. The only one who can fix or heal that person is themselves. And ironically, it’s that very avoidant disorder that would have them never see it let alone acknowledge or do anything about it. They’re emotionally handicapped, sorry to say. And unlike a physical disability, there’s no “adaptation” to still try to make a relationship with them work. Take the good (and the lessons) that you experienced with them, pack them up in your suitcase and gtf on down the road before another cycle starts and he hurts you again. It’s not abandonment, it’s saving yourself. You deserve a functional partner, they normalized that as regular coping. That alone rules them out. They were great for that initial meet cute, when they show signs is where you prepare to exit. Yes, even though he was just a friend, his avoidant disorder really hurt me that much. I leaned a lot 😓
Your analysis is spot on and so insightful. Thank you!
This is accurate. And the real question is : how to teach children not to be scared of emotions, without them, we are numb. Suppressing emotions is like fighting against the flow of life. But the worst part is not feeling emotions, it is the fear of emotions. This fear is an illusion that we can go through. It's possible. ❤
Teaching children that while they are still dependents on mostly unconscious abusers is not such a great idea. In their circumstances, emotions are really a luxury.
i work with my dismissive avoidant ex and hes really mean to me at work, insulting me, icing me out of our social group by interrupting me, ignoring me, talking over me etc, he absolutely projects his pain onto me and writes me as a horrible person
I pray for you to get another job just to get away from him 🙏🏽💯🕊
Yeah they should just end up alone. We are done wasting our lives trying to walk with people as if they’re the only ones with fears.
I am this way and I am a female. I didn't know I was avoidant until I was 24. Now, I just let a guy know right away that he should not expect much from our connection, because I really cannot force myself to attach. If a guy says he wants a partner, I am out. I don't want to hurt anybody tbh.
Self reflect and theraphy do you realy want to live like your doing it right now? 😢
Or ask some one with an secure attachment how they see an relationship or they emotions I helped a friend DA this way but he was desperate and wanted a change
Good for you at least you’re self aware and honest
You're still avoiding your emotional problem here!😂 This is not self awareness. You just put out an excuse so the counterpart won't have a reason to get mad at you cause "this is how I am..."
Start you fuckin healing journey and face your shadows instead of avoiding them. We all have flaws and traumas, the point here is to confront them. It's the only way to be free and gain inner peace. It's for your benefit first.
@@NiCo-Light_Union nailed it.
How about you just don't date. That would be good. Because casual turns to feelings for someone .. and this will happen no matter what. Or better yet. Just proactively change your life so you can fully enjoy it since we only get one shot. Or wait 25 years and see how you wasted all this time and hurt people anyway. And no I don't know you. Nor care for a response. I think if you know you're this way, seek help or keep entirely to yourself
I dated someone like this once. For the first six months it was like the dreamiest romance ever in the history of romances...the kind you read about in books and see in movies. He kept telling me I was his soul mate and we were going to fly to Jamaica one weekend...run away and get married. Then, it's like a switch flipped. He continued to love bomb and give out crumbs of affection and intimacy. I ended up broken-hearted, devastated, confused, angry at myself. After a lot of self reflection, I analyzed the whole relationship and discovered more about myself than I thought possible. I concluded he was in love with being in love. In essence, once the bubbles disappeared from the champagne, he was ready to move on to the next bottle for the dopamine rush he was addicted to.
Yep...that's how it went. She's currently in the ghosting stage
The topper was "alone is the best choice for me" I heard that one right before the discard, now she's with someone new not alone. Me? I'm working on healing, yes alone. Odd how even that became a projection.
The BEST way to avoid is to jump into a new relationship and get the dopamine hit all over. Perhaps they don’t want a real person with problems and needs. They just want the happy drug feeling of unconditional love. Rinse. Repeat with partner after partner.
That was brilliant in every single second of it. I deeply appreciate you explaining what "Dave" couldn't and it completely validated what I knew about him being an amazing loveable person who I still love and befriended from a distance with no expectations on him so he would always know that he is amazing even when he doesn't need validating
Sounds like a narcissist to me PERIOD
It's not a personality disorder (clusters A, B, C) it's an attachment style. It's possible to have both.
Covert narcissism
Yes covert exactly
they’re just similar in pattern but they’re not the same
an avoidant tries to control the relationship, a narcissist tries to control YOU
@@LuchOh, that’s a good explanation!
At least I now understand what on earth has happened to me. 3 years of a massive emotional rollercoaster…
I am pushing thru this hell as I type.
Thank you !
It’s tough to distinguish these behaviors from NPD
Thank you for the videos. You have helped make some sense of very strange and unhealthy behaviors.
Thank you very much! I’m glad my content has been helpful to you!
It sounds like avoidants are casual lovers who usually ghost their partners
There are levels to avoidants. Some will marry, have children & stay faithful but they’ll switch hot & cold, on & off, stone wall, never being 100% EMOTIONALLY invested. They’ll go to work, pay bills, attend church, give to the poor, be kind in general & coach little league and none of that requires emotional intimacy. He will bread crumb his wife, avoid physical or emotional intimacy, treat her like a Roomate or be so distant that she cries herself to sleep from the loneliness all while ppl say he’s such a great guy.
@@Queenme1-t3q nail it
Im tired of screwed up people. Where can i meet a normal person???
“in the last days terrible times will come. For men will be lovers of their own selves”
@@kky.xyep - were in the last days for sure 😢
This is the clearest explanation I've ever heard ...thankyou.
Explains a lot about an ex who does this.
Now I can kick him to the kerb for good.
Been there done that. Taking along time to learn about myself and not allowing this anymore.
Yep... Exactly. He won't talk to me and literally drove away when I asked him if we could talk. He projected his hot and cold behavior onto me and it was driving me nuts! I hope eventually he heals himself.
Lol, savagely, brutally honest. My experience 100%. Boy did it hurt. Thank you for your consummate summation of the avoidant.
I actually am a dismissive avoidant. Actually kinda glad I’m aro-ace now so I don’t put someone else through this.
That makes the two of us
Plot twist: the other party he’s talking to is a narcissist.
Wow, this was exactly my last relationship. I ended up breaking up with him when he continued to disrespect me and blame me for the issues we were having instead of realizing his half of it. I truly hope he heals but I just couldn't do it anymore. My heart is so tired. I just want to heal. I miss feeling... Like I'm worth something.
Ive listened to a lot of videos. This is beyond good. How did i miss all this for the last 6 months.
He did this to me for a while ( being hot and cold) until I totally gave up and moved on. I couldn’t tolerate it anymore.
Same. He texted me to break up and I never replied 😂 let him choke on those words. Best decision of my life.
omgsh I never knew this was a thing 😅 but it makes so much sense!! it stings a lil bit. I've realised a lot about myself and I don't want to be like this so I'm working on it. Thanks for sharing
It’s no way you just described my situation word for word without me even telling you what happen ..like this the first video I’ve watched where u literally hit everything on the head ..like Man U are a wise guy ❤️ I appreciate this video so much ..I literally just got one of those random bread crumb text messages after the no contact since like September but I ignored her ..I’m over it i gave way too much of myself to that individual im done ..
Well put, but tbh I think avoidants can't even understand and acknowledge their behaviour in the first place.
And let's just say that if you keep falling for their "breadcumbs" time over time and still feeling hurt, then you got some work to do as well. We all deserve to be loved but let's not wait or rush for others to give us what we can't give ourselves better. Yes, I'm thinking about love, and mostly, compassion.
Have compassion for yourself, allow yourself to be who you are, to feel deeply, accept the wholeness within and then you'll see others in the same light. Have the courage to turn within yourself and the world around you will evolve with you.
Everyone has their own journey and we can all help each other grow and feel more secure. Just don't give up on yourself ❤
Thank you for making this video. This is the closure I needed but I couldn't get from The One That Got Away.