i'm AP and i keep attracting unavailable people because i truly believe that i can fix them, make them feel happy and change their lives for better " i attract very damaged and traumatized people " As AP, my biggest fear is abandonment, so in my head, i picture that , once i fix these people, they gonna love me like crazy and hold on to me and never let go. but yes it never happen. i pour my heart out on them, try to support them, be there for them,worry about them and all i get from them is hurt.they ignore me, stonewall me, and make me feel so anxious.then they try to leave, i hold on to them so to tight, they start to hate me, get very cruel to me , and even when they say to me " we don't love you, we don't want to be with you,leave us alone" i just don't refuse to believe it. in my head " i blame myself, i say it is my fault,i upseted them,they are hurt and that's why they say these words but deep inside they love me and they want me in their lives " i crave real love and affection but i never experienced yet.it is always one sided with these dismissive unavailable people.i put 100% in the relationship and they only put like 10% or less. i was single my whole life until 3 years ago when i started getting in relationships, i have had 4 relationships so far and i have never felt more hurt,more rejected and more lonely like i do now. i lack love and connection according to the 6 basic human needs! it is what i want in this life, i used to get it my need for love and connection met by watching romantic and reality series and show that talk about love,relationships and marriages. i want to experience a relationship or at least friendship with AP like me.we are very caring,loving and very expressive people.we are great communicator and people pleasers! overall we are great people and all we want is someone who reciprocate all the love and affection we give to our partners
Therapists don’t help. They’ve just validated me. I haven’t grown or learned, I was comforted and that was nice. But I’m no closer to a happy relationship. Excellent videos btw, thank you!! I’m subscribing!
My therapist is helping enormously. Validation is just the first step to be honest, maybe you needed to stick with it longer to internalise the skill of validating yourself, identifying your needs, communicating them, dealing with rejection/loneliness etc
As a psychology student I can tell you that a therapist won’t help you solve a problem, a therapist won’t sit and be doing your healing. A therapist job is to validate your feelings because somewhere in the outer world most people have failed to hear you and the therapist will help you start dealing with your problems by making you realise the changes you have to make. Basically help you self - realise how you have the potential to overcome the challenges you might be not seeing in the first place
@@swarnapillai1932 Yes By Simply holding space for ones emotions we can come up wit the solutions ourselves I feel. Its just that the language we deem as normal out within the world is actually very disempowering I feel especially because of the trauma that exists surrounding our existence. Cheers for sharing what you did I felt validated listening to it Cheers Because this was my experience here with my therapist CHEERS!!!!....
I think there’s a wildly broad range of experiences with therapy. I had two therapists try to keep me with an abuser, another who told me my depression was from my COVID immunization, another who slept through our 12pm appointment, and finally the current one who looked bored and texted during our session before suggesting I could end early. I’ve had friends who have had therapists that changed their lives for the better.
It's a combination of wanting to change someone because it gives me a feeling of importance to help people become happier by changing their thought processes and challenging their negative beliefs. I actually don't know how to engage in a relationship that's not like that come to think of it. My mother was disabled and growing up the only way to get my emotional needs met was to do things for her. How do i stop trying to do things for people and being so extra extra to the point that it turns woman off and comes across as needy.
This is an amazing video! And you gave a lot more detail or reasons that I can give thought to that I’ve never heard before. Thank you for creating your channel it is greatly appreciated 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
I DIDNT EVEN KNEW YOU HAD A UA-cam CHANNEL I ONLY FOUND YOU BC I LITERALLY SEARCHED UP THIS QUESTION 😂😭 I love your tiktoks!! Thank you for making this video!
I'm in the process to change those habits but please I want more tips to feel comfortable with the partner that gives you attention, etc. Because my patterns try to sabotage me!
Also, is there anything we can do if someone showed up and wanted to be there for us in the first 6-12mo and then pulls away hard suddenly but won’t let go completely? I’m really hurting and I’ve been consistent with my ex for the last 6 months and I didn’t do anything considerable horrible, I’m not perfect and I hurt his feelings as he did mine too. Maybe it’s time to walk away. I wish I wouldn’t have seen the eager excited side of him because I long for that. Wanting to help and care for my partner doesn’t die, and I keep asking myself why his changed.
allow yourself to date other people. And engage in hobbies and interest you enjoy without him. Building new memories to shape a life without him, will help.
Nr 2.. my father is a narcissist and my mother was emotional not available and not the grown up.. so how do I get in a normal relationship? My last 3 were narcissists and I’ve los 23 yrs by this. Wil I ever have a normal man and relationship?!
@Jean juju I just didn't know how a normal and healthy relationship has to be. I always had the idea I was not good enough or loved because I didn't got that as a child from my parents. So I would take every guy that treated me KIND. And narcesists are great at livebombing and manipulating their victims. And I lost myself again and again coming to their every need.. If they just didn't leave me. I wanted love and to belong with someone. Mean something to someone. Not knowing, now I'm turning 50 this year.. That I have had 3 narceaistix partners in the last 23 yrs. I was not dependant. I have my own job, money, car and house. I don't need a man for that. And since the last year I'm reading AL about NPD and immature and unavailable men (and woman). Realiaing just now what I've been through. It was all fake. No love. Just lies, cheating, manipulation, gaslighting, dwvaluation.. Just to keep them satisfied. At the expense of me. So now for the last 4 months been working on myself. Reading, installing boundarees end my values. So I don't think I was unavailable that much. Just had the wrong parents. The wrong exemple. Never really been loved as a child andeatnd what was right and wrong. And now all these wasted and painful years. Broken so many times. Now starting life again at 50. No more abuse.
8/13 😂😭 But after 8 years of excellent therapy, I’m down from maybe 11? And I’m 48 now, so… this is all gonna work out by the time I’m well settled at the retirement home, right? Probably?
You are teaching your children how tonhave relationships by yours. The whole “I have children and it would be horrible for them to divorce” it’s not true, you’re making them a favour for what to not tolerate in the future. I don’t see why you should stay in a relationchip that doesn’t make you happy.
Hmm. Was wondering if an individual can't share their place or an adult child living with them with a romantic interest is that reason to put up a boundary to halt the relationship? Thanks!
i'm AP and i keep attracting unavailable people because i truly believe that i can fix them, make them feel happy and change their lives for better " i attract very damaged and traumatized people " As AP, my biggest fear is abandonment, so in my head, i picture that , once i fix these people, they gonna love me like crazy and hold on to me and never let go. but yes it never happen. i pour my heart out on them, try to support them, be there for them,worry about them and all i get from them is hurt.they ignore me, stonewall me, and make me feel so anxious.then they try to leave, i hold on to them so to tight, they start to hate me, get very cruel to me , and even when they say to me " we don't love you, we don't want to be with you,leave us alone" i just don't refuse to believe it. in my head " i blame myself, i say it is my fault,i upseted them,they are hurt and that's why they say these words but deep inside they love me and they want me in their lives " i crave real love and affection but i never experienced yet.it is always one sided with these dismissive unavailable people.i put 100% in the relationship and they only put like 10% or less. i was single my whole life until 3 years ago when i started getting in relationships, i have had 4 relationships so far and i have never felt more hurt,more rejected and more lonely like i do now. i lack love and connection according to the 6 basic human needs! it is what i want in this life, i used to get it my need for love and connection met by watching romantic and reality series and show that talk about love,relationships and marriages. i want to experience a relationship or at least friendship with AP like me.we are very caring,loving and very expressive people.we are great communicator and people pleasers! overall we are great people and all we want is someone who reciprocate all the love and affection we give to our partners
How is your situation 1 year later?
Therapists don’t help. They’ve just validated me. I haven’t grown or learned, I was comforted and that was nice. But I’m no closer to a happy relationship. Excellent videos btw, thank you!! I’m subscribing!
I disagree. How long did you go for? Therapy changed my life ridiculously positively!!!
My therapist is helping enormously. Validation is just the first step to be honest, maybe you needed to stick with it longer to internalise the skill of validating yourself, identifying your needs, communicating them, dealing with rejection/loneliness etc
As a psychology student I can tell you that a therapist won’t help you solve a problem, a therapist won’t sit and be doing your healing. A therapist job is to validate your feelings because somewhere in the outer world most people have failed to hear you and the therapist will help you start dealing with your problems by making you realise the changes you have to make. Basically help you self - realise how you have the potential to overcome the challenges you might be not seeing in the first place
@@swarnapillai1932 Yes By Simply holding space for ones emotions we can come up wit the solutions ourselves I feel. Its just that the language we deem as normal out within the world is actually very disempowering I feel especially because of the trauma that exists surrounding our existence. Cheers for sharing what you did I felt validated listening to it Cheers Because this was my experience here with my therapist CHEERS!!!!....
I think there’s a wildly broad range of experiences with therapy. I had two therapists try to keep me with an abuser, another who told me my depression was from my COVID immunization, another who slept through our 12pm appointment, and finally the current one who looked bored and texted during our session before suggesting I could end early. I’ve had friends who have had therapists that changed their lives for the better.
Love that you started a UA-cam channel!! Love you on tiktok and this is awesome!!
Happy to see you here!
If #2 resonates with you I recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It changed my life and made things so much easier for me
Thank YOU. Here's to breaking the cycle.
It's a combination of wanting to change someone because it gives me a feeling of importance to help people become happier by changing their thought processes and challenging their negative beliefs. I actually don't know how to engage in a relationship that's not like that come to think of it. My mother was disabled and growing up the only way to get my emotional needs met was to do things for her. How do i stop trying to do things for people and being so extra extra to the point that it turns woman off and comes across as needy.
you might want to read about co-dependency
Oops! You’re male version of me 😂🥴
OMG, I cannot believe how seen I feel here...but in a safe way and the tips to get started are the best. Thank you sooo much for your channel
I feel attacked 🤣
This is an amazing video! And you gave a lot more detail or reasons that I can give thought to that I’ve never heard before. Thank you for creating your channel it is greatly appreciated 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
I DIDNT EVEN KNEW YOU HAD A UA-cam CHANNEL I ONLY FOUND YOU BC I LITERALLY SEARCHED UP THIS QUESTION 😂😭 I love your tiktoks!! Thank you for making this video!
Thank you so much. I like you pace and detailed yet concise information. This has been of great help to me.
I'm in the process to change those habits but please I want more tips to feel comfortable with the partner that gives you attention, etc. Because my patterns try to sabotage me!
Those sabotaging patterns are the worst! I'll work up a video soon.
I ❤ when you call people "turds" 🙌
came here from tiktok. ur videos bring me so much peace i needed this thank u
Indeed eye opening. Informative video
Soo excited for all your future content!
Lemme know if you have any topic’s you’d like me to focus on!
Subscribed this has changed me life. Thank you
Thanks for the sub!
I’m so glad you are on here
Needed this, thank you!!
Dang I didn’t even get past 1 minutes and as soon as you said it’s magnetized in my subconscious, I fell out! 😂❤
Love your videos, Jeff. If you ever do videos on limerance, I think there's an audience for that (me incl!).
how can i know if he's emotionally unavailable or he just doesn't care..
Both r same
Thanks for great advice.
Thank you ❤
Also, is there anything we can do if someone showed up and wanted to be there for us in the first 6-12mo and then pulls away hard suddenly but won’t let go completely? I’m really hurting and I’ve been consistent with my ex for the last 6 months and I didn’t do anything considerable horrible, I’m not perfect and I hurt his feelings as he did mine too. Maybe it’s time to walk away. I wish I wouldn’t have seen the eager excited side of him because I long for that. Wanting to help and care for my partner doesn’t die, and I keep asking myself why his changed.
allow yourself to date other people. And engage in hobbies and interest you enjoy without him. Building new memories to shape a life without him, will help.
THANK YOU
Thank you so much :(
Nr 2.. my father is a narcissist and my mother was emotional not available and not the grown up.. so how do I get in a normal relationship? My last 3 were narcissists and I’ve los 23 yrs by this. Wil I ever have a normal man and relationship?!
@Jean juju I just didn't know how a normal and healthy relationship has to be. I always had the idea I was not good enough or loved because I didn't got that as a child from my parents. So I would take every guy that treated me KIND. And narcesists are great at livebombing and manipulating their victims. And I lost myself again and again coming to their every need.. If they just didn't leave me. I wanted love and to belong with someone. Mean something to someone. Not knowing, now I'm turning 50 this year.. That I have had 3 narceaistix partners in the last 23 yrs. I was not dependant. I have my own job, money, car and house. I don't need a man for that. And since the last year I'm reading AL about NPD and immature and unavailable men (and woman). Realiaing just now what I've been through. It was all fake. No love. Just lies, cheating, manipulation, gaslighting, dwvaluation.. Just to keep them satisfied. At the expense of me. So now for the last 4 months been working on myself. Reading, installing boundarees end my values. So I don't think I was unavailable that much. Just had the wrong parents. The wrong exemple. Never really been loved as a child andeatnd what was right and wrong. And now all these wasted and painful years. Broken so many times. Now starting life again at 50. No more abuse.
What if I never dated before?
8/13 😂😭 But after 8 years of excellent therapy, I’m down from maybe 11? And I’m 48 now, so… this is all gonna work out by the time I’m well settled at the retirement home, right? Probably?
What if your married with kids to someone who’s unavailable I can’t just bail and drag the whole family through that?
You are teaching your children how tonhave relationships by yours. The whole “I have children and it would be horrible for them to divorce” it’s not true, you’re making them a favour for what to not tolerate in the future. I don’t see why you should stay in a relationchip that doesn’t make you happy.
How do I ask them to show up for me emotionally?
I’ll need to create a video for you.
Please 🥺
Hmm. Was wondering if an individual can't share their place or an adult child living with them with a romantic interest is that reason to put up a boundary to halt the relationship?
Thanks!
Will i ever feel truely satisfied with an emotionally available person?
The short answer is no, sorry.
Do you have videos on working through erotic transference in therapy?
So you're saying I should leave my FA partner after 3 months of dating in which I said that I won't leave her no matter how hard it gets?