My sister always said, "real friends never look like they're going to the same party". Choosing friends based on their aesthetic never even crossed my mind but now it makes sense with all those girls who looked the same but lowkey hated each other while claiming they were "best friends forever"
oh my god that's the truest thing i've ever heard. all of my friends have different styles but are all so awesome and interesting! its crazy that people would hang out together for the aesthetic
One of the group of friends that I loved the most and still hold so dear in my heart is the one from my 1st and 2nd year of high school. And what I loved most about them was that we were all COMPLETELY different... yet somehow, they still liked me and cared about me, never expecting me to be anything other than who I already was. I treasure those days from 10 years ago with a lot of care bc I just know it made me feel like I could belong. It's a hard feeling to find
also ya'll notice how easily you become friends with coworkers. not because you have a bunch in common (in fact I have very little in common with my coworkers) but because you are forced to be around each other so often and once you get to know them you realize how cool and fun they are.. That's what really shows me that it's not just about being super similar. It's about spending quality time with eachother.
Personally can't relate they are nice but I think it is a bit dangerous to think of them as friends. The minute something bad happens it can be easy to be blamed. And even if you work at really awesome places with the best people like I have many people are just nice to people at work but they have their own lives and in my experience don't like to let coworkers really into their lives (especially when you leave the company)
@@DarthAndylus I keep mine as acquaintances and maybe hang out on a surface level instead of going deep. After I leave a job, I'm much more open to sharing my personal life them of course, if they're still feeling hanging out with me.
Depends on the coworker for me. I have a pair of good friends from work that I chat with and go get drinks with a lot. Everyone else stays as anywhere between acquaintances and mortal enemies lolol
@@Dave_of_Mordoragree, but the way media and social media portraits friendship is it should be as easy as brushing your teeth. In reality it takes work commutation
I don't like how that sounds. I gave a lot to someone and received bearley anything back not even fun chatting. Some people are holes that just devour the efforts. Friends are people who bring the best out of you. It's not even efforts It's a pleasure to maintain and enhance it.
Especially when you do most of the fucking lifting. I was there for my best friend when both he and I got laid of from our jobs. I gave him rides, lent him money with no expectation of giving it back. What happened when I had a meltdown and disappeared from social media and the weekend d&d nights? Crickets
On the note of people who make friends based on their looks and aesthetics - y’all are missing the whole point of friendship!! While that can be nice, it’s so important to be around people who are different than you. Helps you grow and learn new perspectives.
@@Givebackthescarf There’s room for both. I only spoke to not closing yourself off to people just based on those factors. Like I said, that can be nice but it’s also important to be around people who are different. Balance is everything.
Always be open sure but fashion is a sign of social intelligence, we subconsciously will not want to associate with people who go out looking like they didn’t care, because it’s a sign of their actual personality 99% of the time
And get taken advantage of really, really quickly if you're not brutally clear on their motives, who you are from the outside, and why people would want difference in their friend groups. They may be missing the point of friendship, but they're flatly clear on the point of how humans work in an bluntly unequal world.
friendships are my favourite type of relationship because, if done right, they're the purest form of relationship. there's no big overarching obligations you might have with family or partners, it's (hopefully) not transactional, but you just hang out and help each other out because you like that person and think they're neat and want to hear their thoughts and experience things together. after realizing i was ace it sent me on a course of like "there's a chance i might never have a partner so I should invest time in the relationships I do have!" and it gave me a huge new appreciation for friends. having good friends is so so fulfilling. they're awesome!!! i love my friends so much!!!
If it’s one sided like that, then it’s not a low maintenance friendship. It’s a dying friendship. People who only speak to you on their terms, then they’re not your friend. Be safe out there
i feel guilty for doing this. Texting my friends only when I find something that my friends need to see/hear which is once in every 3/4 days. How do I put more effort ?
@@twasteait makes a difference if you’re in the same place as them. Like the same area. I’m the same way but we are so far apart and communicating is tough.
It's so hard to keep up with friends as you get older, especially as a single woman. I would say 90% of my friends have simply vanished now that they are in relationships, married and having children. I have to initiate all the conversations, which tend to get shorter and shorter. They never want to hang out, they start making you feel bothersome, and lord forbid you ask them for help or a favour, so eventually you stop trying and then literally never hear from them again. I have to say it's kind of made me a bit cynical when I meet new potential friends because I think, I'm going to put all this effort into our friendship, how long is it until you get a s/o and peace out of my life? It feels shitty getting abandoned again and again. I've never really wanted a romantic relationship but I've started thinking, 'is this the only way to have someone stay consistently by your side?' but I don't want to get into a relationship for the wrong reasons
I am a married woman with a child. I am a millenial and I have found that my single friends now think they are 'too cool' for me. I am not saying you are wrong in your predicament, but I would like you to know that we get abandoned too :( I think all of this is the result of our highly fragmented, stressed out society. PS. I love your Basset Hound picture, I myself grew up with a Beagle.
@@elamrani1449 Who knows, whatever works for them I guess. The main reasons I get is that they just don't have the time anymore, and they want to focus primarily on their family and relationship with their partner. Or that they are introverted and don't have the capacity to have a family and still be social with their friends anymore. Even had someone straight up tell me that they aren't sharing their life or bank account with their friends so they are not important or a priority to them after they got married. Needless to say I'm not friends with her anymore.
Yeah I 100% agree that it's a two way road and really not fair to people with children as well. I've even seen within my circle of friends there are more single women who are getting into this whole marriage and baby-hating negative mindset, and they almost turn on the friends who get married and start their family, like they 'sold out' A lot of the reason is, oh you can't be spontaneous anymore. Like they are spontaneous, takes 5-7 business days to set up a coffee date with them. I love my friends children, I can spoilt them rotten and then go home lol. I don't want to blame my friends, I'm sure they have their reasons just sucks to be frozen out@@nativefraulein5801
When peoples lives change, their priorities and values change too. Also energy. Childless friends may not want children around almost every time you hang out. Moms may not want to do anything beyond sleep when they have a free moment. Those are just a couple examples, but there is so much more. I do believe that our environment plays a big role in this. It was easier to make friends in school because 1 you both had to be there, 2 you were in similar stages of your life, 3 you had time. I mean, how often do friendships fade and end when one friend moves and changes schools? Where do adults spend most of their time? Work. How many of us really want all our friendships to be work friendships? Is that even a good idea?
Often times the “friends” who’d promote low-maintenance friendships were also the ones who’d only come to me when they needed someone to rant to so I dropped em 💀
Yeah, I’m starting to notice this. They pop up out of nowhere just to rant about this very specific thing in their life like some monthly therapy appointment
as an aromantic person, thank you for this video. platonic bonds can be just as important and fulfilling as romantic bonds, and I wish others could see that. I think we would all be happier if we started making friendships a priority all the time instead of automatically putting friends on the back burner as soon as a romantic partner enters the picture.
how'd you know you are aro? because i've been questioning for the better part of a year if i Want a romantic relationship of Feel like i have to want it but also Women!! but also Friendship!! and i just want to smash my head into a wall
@@martagavi hi! I know you didn’t ask me but I’m also aro and wanted to share my experience if it could help! Realizing I was aromantic was when I realized that I’ve never liked anyone in that way and that I am almost repulsed by getting into a relationship with anyone. I still feel sexual attraction to people but whenever it becomes romantic in a monogamous, intimate, relationship-type way, I get incredibly anxious because I don’t want that and it makes me uncomfortable! Trust me I’ve struggled with my aromanticism for so long and even now, I still don’t really get it so sometimes I just say that I’m on the A-spectrum to make it more simple. However this is just my experience, and I know someone else can have a completely different aromantic experience
@@martagavi hii i'm aro and i realized i was aro because i realized that i view my friendships with the same amount of importance that is usually associated with romantic relationships. also i was looking at the people around me in romantic relationships and i was really thinking 'do i really want those aspects of a relationship?'. i do still desire parts of a romantic relationship, aromanticism to me is more about wanting aspects of both platonic and romantic relationships
It really is hard to make friends when you’re no longer in school, especially if you’re introverted. I totally agree that friendships are so valuable and can be deeply fulfilling but it’s difficult to become really close friends and attain that. I also totally understand what you meant when you said that some of the people you’ve been meeting don’t feel like real people lol.
As a very introverted self content person that has been loving working remotely I realized I have to figure out to organise activities that will get me out and interact with people. My introversion started going into social anxiety territory and feeling awkward talking to new people and just wanting to be in my bubble with my existing friends and as an introvert thats something I slip into very easily if I dont make activities that will "force" me out of that. Stuff like small group yoga classes, hiking groups or different hobbies etc. Its kind of like making your own mini version of what school was doing.
@@necrophiliac.-.cat5695 i relate so hard. Also 20 here (going on 21) and never had friendships growing up as a child. And ive been isolated for so long, because im scared, i dont even know how to behave around people my age anymore. I feel too childish.. im going to uni this winter and i really hope i find the friendships ive never had, or at least try to be myself instead of pleasing others and fake my identity for the sake of being liked.
Yeah, I realized it ! All my friends are from school and now that I don't go to school anymore, it's hard to meet new people and start new friendships. I thought I bonded with some co-workers, but the minute I wasn't working there anymore, I got no news but was always welcome with a hug and "we missed you !! It's great to see you. " When I visited the place, but that just meant that we didn't build a real friendship outside of the workplace...also I wasn't invited to work dinner... or coworkers' parties... so yeah, we really didn't bound as much as I thought 😅 as an introvert, kinda reserved and struggling to like understand people behaviours and types of communication, it was really hard at first to not see that I wasn't part of "the group" and was trying so hard for people that didn't want me to be close to them...
As someone who's been single for a minute and has a loving group of friends, can confirm the feeling of satiation with my friendships. I'm still open and excited about romantic relationships, but I'm full on the yummy chicken salad and tall glass of water that are my friends
To be honest this is exactly what I needed to hear right now, I’m guilty of being a hypocrite and a bad friend by not putting in the effort towards my friends, and yet I crave friendships so much. I’m going through some rough patches with some friends right now because of this and I know that this is just completely my own fault, and I need to take responsibility, but thank you for bringing me down to earth I really needed to hear this
Might be too late for me, bc my very long-lasted friendship has ended a while ago and even if we couldnt find middle ground, at least i feel like i learned a lot. So no matter the outcome, u can become better and work on your mistakes! U got this!🫂
It is so hard to make friends nowadays, I think, because people act so distant and unsocial on purpose. May it be arrogance or because they are insecure, even the most basic and plainly polite social interactions seem to be a nuisance. In University I once asked people in a full classroom if I was in the the right room (for a specific lecture) and not even one person bothered to acknowledge my existence. Not one glanced away from their phone, let´s forget even answering my question...I mean I didn´t propose marriage to anyone... And even if you have a normal, very neutral, small talk like conversation with someone sitting next to you or something like that, they will completely ignore you the next day. As if they have never seen or heard of you before. I mean a short nod or, god forbid, a quiet "hello" is all there needs to be in regards to basic manners. Also it feels like the perception and concept of friendship has somehow changed into a more superficial relationship towards one another. Even with my old friends from school, their behaviour is more selfcentered, or centered around their romantic relationship. Conversations with them are more like an hour long business meeting in a Cafe than the open-hearted banter I am used to. This is not healthy behaviour, in any society, even as a german...
The last word of your paragraph had me laughing very loud, well done Sir! But yeah I agree with you. I think the detachment and apparent arrogance is in a lot of cases a shield built to protect the ego and the feelings of the person. Like you know the « i reject you before you reject me » to have the feeling to be the one taking the decision. Idk maybe I dont make any sens.
@@MoonWalkerTexsRanger That makes a lot of sense. I know I shut down social interactions because I'm autistic and overly anxious that opening up and talking to people is going to lead to being shamed for missing social cues or just being weird or made to feel shitty for being too overwhelmed to go out fifty percent of the time. But I don't know how to make friends and it is lonely.
The university thing is so true! I live in America and go to community college but I was homeschooled all of highschool which made me feel very nervous. I was already an introvert and socially anxious but homeschooling didn't help lol. Anyway I was shocked at how every other student was like what you said! They made me feel like an extrovert it was crazy
As someone with no friends, friendships are so important to the extent a lot of people don’t realise. They are a need for everyone, but people in this day and age a lot of the time just suck. Friendships struggle to survive if they are not pure and those friendships are hard to find.
Most of the friendships I have lost have been because I realized I was always the one initiating the conversations and dates. Even after talking to them about it, I end up not talking to them for months because I stopped reaching out first.
a huge thing i think its also causing the friendship recession is the bubble we, as gen Z, got to live in. Its so easy to just listen to what we want and to just connect to people we want that we forget real people with different ideas exist. Gen Z has this discourse that we need to protect our peace and not tolerate people we dont think fit us anymore… But at what point is people good for us? I got into that idea so deep i only found friends on my niche, but i grow out of my interests a lot because i am human, i can and will chance, at some point people became disposable, i could trow and find new ones so easy… At some point into this new social media bubble we got ourselves in we forgot the very base of every relationship: its not interests in comum, its something else, something bigger.
Dude or girl, I am 42 and have this problem since I was 24. And being a single woman with no kids is even worse. It’s not a gen Z exclusivity, unfortunately. When I graduated college (the part he says about school is real), the friendship scenario was over for me. The other people just don’t allow you in their lives, it just don’t matter how hard you try. I practice sports, but it didn’t bring me friends, just daily shallow talks. And I can’t trust my coworkers, they gossip a lot and are mean (so I have to be careful while I pretend I don’t know what they’re doing, because I need my job).
i didn't expect this video to hit home so hard. as someone who's always been the initiator, once i took a step back and stopped, there was no one around and i was left with nothing and no one. i love love and friendship just as much as i always did and maybe even more so nowadays but finding that in people is so much harder that it used to be.
I relate to you and all of the replies. I liked this girl for awhile and I thought she was rly cool, even apart from the crush. We went to a school dance together and talked and stuff and I thought we'd become good friends. But slowly, she just stopped trying to be friends. Like nothing at all. I reached out so often to talk to her or hang out, but she never even TRIED to keep the conversation, was kinda rude, and she was never available to hang out. Ofcourse, this girl has a tiktok on her account complaining abt how few in real life friends she has, when she won't put effort into anything. It sucks. Sorry for the rant but you're the first one I've seen expressing something similar to me!
Friendships become more difficult as you get older. And it’s so true that you tend to hang with those you see on a daily basis (aka in school). I couldn’t agree more with you! No matter what. Friendships are a two way street! You gotta put the effort in!!
The part about people asking ME to hang out and then disappearing has been really getting to me lately. It’s happened to me multiple times and makes me that much less trusting of new people. Thank you for this.
this happens to me consistently, and even when i point it out they don't seem to care :/?? could definitely be who i was surrounding myself with (keyword: was) .. so yeah i feel you, you're not alone in that
NO FRRRRR JT MAKES ME SO MF MAD like why even bother???? like i remember back in 2021 a friend wanted to hang out w me and we got to the point where we knew where we wanted to go, yet close to the day we were gonna go he was suddenly like "oh i actually can't....." like bitch wtf??? and he didn't even say why (from what i remember). like girl why would u ask someone to hang out j to back out last minute 😭 it's pretty pathetic tbh (unless they hwve a genuine reason for it. id understand then. but if u back out and don't tell me why then im gonna be mad at u bc be fr.)
Yeah it made me devalue myself a bit but realizing it's just them having issues for whatever reason, basically it's a them issue and not a you issue, so leave them be to sort it out rather than making it one sided by pushing it
People inviting you out but then not confirming and you’re out now asking after them, like you were the one inviting them out when it was their idea. Just strange. I have 100% success rate when it comes to hanging/being invited out when it’s a guy trying to date me.
I especially resonate with hating texting. It’s so inefficient and it almost feels heartless sometimes. I can never tell someone’s tone- which is such a huge huge part of conversation. I don’t know man.
I haven’t had an actual friend since I was 17 now 20. Everyone is so closed off and refuses to do anything. It’s hard and I’ve grown to love the feeling of being alone which is awful because I loved having friends and going out
Agreed, fk people. For real though, I wish I could become close to a handful of really good people that get along with each other too. 🥲 longing for a nice group of friends. Hopefully manifesting it will eventually blossom into something.
You have to be on the same page. Know when you’re barely acquaintances, known when you’re getting a little close, know when you’re besties. Be sure of your value to each other
people want company so they don't have to do things alone. they don't want to chill because their not looking for intimate platonic relationships. but proximity is a huge barrier to friendships unfortunately because people generally don't like putting in effort into friendships. i loveee that i'm seeing more content around wanting deep genuine connection.
The thing about friendships based off of aesthetics is SO REAL. Sometimes, it's totally accidental, but also sometimes it feels pretty forced and uncomfortable...like I might be asked to photograph a group of friends I hang out with sometimes because I'm not matching their aesthetic on that particular night LOL.
I remember wanting to be in a romantic relationship so much as a tween, and an old friend's mom once told me, "When you're looking for a boyfriend (or romantic partner), you may just be looking for another friend." I think about her words a lot these days, and more and more I'm realizing how much I desire friendships (and spending time with my friends) more so than romantic relationships.
man the whole low maintenance friendship conversation was amazing to hear. these were things i thought about a lot and i'm glad you brought that into the conversation.
omg i've been struggling with finding quality friends and this was so refreshing to watch. definitely makes me appreciate the close friends i have and makes me want to put more effort into those relationships. love the chatty videos by the way! you are so well spoken :)
i love this video sm, everything is super well said and i def relate to this. a big thing for me is that i feel like i don’t have a “best/closest freind.” i have a lot of great freinds that i love a lot, but i always feel like they each have a different bestie which isn’t me. it sucks not having that sibling-like relationship with someone which i think is why i get so lonely sometimes and crave a romantic relationship so bad, when rlly all i need is a best friend. i also used to think i hated talking it new people bc i’m a introvert and have social anxiety, but i realized recently that i actually LOVE making new freinds and talking to new people. i went to a few camps over the summer alone, so i was forced to make freinds and get to know strangers. but, i loved every second of it and still am keeping in touch with those people after camp. :)
as a queer person probably on the aromantic spectrum this video meant so much to me!! society's idea that romantic relationships are more important than platonic is so frustrating. i feel like it's important for me in my friendships to challenge what is seen as a platonic or romantic act. like holding hands or cuddling with friends, challenging the idea that you can only be physically intimate with those you are in what is considered a romantic relationship. loved your vid so much!!
i had someone who called me a "high-maintenance friend" because I called her out with her not texting me back for 3 weeks to a month later. She lived 15 minutes away and only saw me basically once a year.. then she basically trash-talked me on FB and I found out. CLEARLY, we aren't friends now. I appreciate your video 💖⚡
I have no idea why people use social media to trash talk their friends... so confident that their friends will never stumble across those posts or get tipped off by a third party. Children must be educated on social media etiquette growing up, since it's better to perfectly hide the lie of friendship than give the victim of bad-mouthing some life-long trauma.
Big agreement on everything! Like you MUST put in effort, friendship without expectations and being able to rely on others and be relied upon is an acquaintance. Not a friend.
As a person who’s often called a low maintenance friend, I don’t really mind it. All my friendships are low maintenance. We see each other whenever it feels nice, and it’s not necessarily a surface-level connection because we connect deeply whenever we do see each other and catch up. I think I would get too stressed if I would have to worry about keeping up with people all of the time. And when we meet, the connection is still as deep as before when it’s the right kind of people. I feel like if a friendship requires a lot of maintenance or for you to go to the same school/ have the same interests etc there’s sometimes not a lot of other things you can connect on. I’ve had school friends where when we both move to different cities we no longer have anything to talk about because the only thing that connected us was our environment
finally someone said it about low-maintenance friendships. a part of me rolls my eyes every time someone’s like “omg i’m such a bad texter lol.” like sure, we all get busy or go through rough mental health patches that drain us of energy and make responding to texts feel harder than it should. HOWEVER, a lot of ppl use “i’m a bad texter” as an excuse and when it’s a consistent pattern it’s like…maybe you’re just lazy 🧐 i don’t even mind initiating most of the time, but i don’t want to have to wonder if i’m ever going to receive a text back, or if i’ll get some excuse a week later. it’s one thing to not respond right away (i don’t even do that!) and another to just flake and barely respond at all. i think it’s worse because i’m not rly someone who texts just to text, usually my texts are plan-oriented so it’s not as if i’m trying to carry on a one-sided dry convo about nothing either. anyways, mini-rant over! also i know exactly what types of pinterest friend groups you’re referring to 😭😭 you’re so real for that i’m glad i’m not the only one who noticed
i'm mentally ill as balls and unable to say no to most people; what makes texting back so hard for me isn't just answering an hour-old text, it's that most of the time i'm expected to have an hour-long conversation afterwards, finding questions to ask or trying my best to be an active listener when most days, i don't even have the energy to like, eat. and even when i try to tell some of my friends that i need space or that i need to go to sleep cause i have an exam in the morning or that i just don't have the energy to navigate a conversation right now, they just... keep talking. the worst part for me is spamming reels because trying to come up with an engaged reply for the 30+ posts i have piled up in my dms is like hammering nails into my bones. and i know it doesn't take long, that's not the issue; it's that i'll do it, and then i'll inevitably have to do it all over again the next day, and at that point i just don't enjoy the friendship anymore
sorry this was kind of a weird vent LMAO i'm just getting a bit irritated at these comments saying that bad texters are lazy/hypocritical/whatever else
@@mochimochi5926your feelings are correct and make sense as your going through something and your friends don't listen to you when you "finish" the conversation because your busy or tired. but this comment is referring to people (who sometimes have bad mental health) just leavung their friends on delivered for days without communication. Especially those who excuse it as"im bad at texting" when in reality they're just not putting in the effort. you're in the right in this senerio because you communicate that your conversation is over and you need space.
@@mochimochi5926this is a communication and boundary issue. A quick “hey I’m alive and am in hermit mode. I’d love to talk but not feeling up for it. Hope you’re well,” is good enough to maintain friendships and most people respect that. You’re disrespecting your own boundaries and mental health while being upset that others can’t read your mind. When I stopped pouring from an empty cup and stopped flat ignoring people bc they exhausted me (due to my lack of boundaries) my friendships significantly improved. So it absolutely feels like a cop out and is irritating to be friends with people like that. My friends that still do this cause me so much stress and it’s unfair to do to people.
There are various other circumstances that might be going on in their lives, such as genuinely being too busy, struggling with a mental illness, and struggling with long chains of communication, or simply, dealing with feelings of shame and guilt. In my case, I’m genuinely just a bad texter. I can’t hold a conversation and keep it interesting and engaging, which is why I don’t know how to respond, but I also don’t know how to say I want to leave. Maybe try to understand before calling anyone “lazy.”
This has honestly how I have been feeling lately. Everytime I try to hang out with them and try to set up a hang out its like they dont want too? I feel so guilty that I want to have close relationships with friends and want to hang out them. Most of my friendships nowadays feel so one sided it sucks. So I’ve learned to give them the same energy because if the want to be low maintenance then I won’t judge them but I want to find friends who actually want to be close friends.
'where are the down bitches at?' SAME OMG, like nobody is open to hanging out that often these days and that just drowns the fun out of things. so you know what, I've taken a resolution to just go out by myself and have fun, I am SO going to the theatre to watch the barbie movie this week cause it just released in the middle east few days back; who cares if people are too busy (update: I saw the movie y'all, it was so much fun!!)
I’m 25 this year. Last year I really suffered with feeling like I had no friends, and then I found that so many 20 somethings feel the same way and it’s like this whole post pandemic thing going on. Communicate with your friends, be honest but empathetic and respectful and trust me, you’ll realise you have more friends than you think, or you’ll start attracting more people like this and life will get so much better x
I feel this so much. Whenever I meet new people and I vibe with them I like to think that they do want to form a deep, meaningful connection like I do and see where it goes. I slowly show new bits of the real me or the wish to form an emotional connection, but as soon as it's not convenient for them (the usual "just wanna vibe and have fun") they shy away and escape from that commitment completely. A lot of people don't want to bother or don't consider a close friendship worth it; it's really sad and shows how our societies are shaping our minds without us fully noticing. Either it costs money, time, or both. And people aren't willing to sacrifice any quantity of those anymore.
friendship is difficult these days, there are times where I truly believe my friends really just care about romantic relationships and completely neglect our platonic relationships. Always actively seeking to fill a void yet we're so young, we're literally 15. I'm of a firm belief that if you cannot uphold a platonic relationship, you have no business being in a romantic one. The recent friend neglect goes crazy, and after noticing it in real time and how little our platonic relations mean to them, I've found my subconsciously pulling away from my social life because it seems like everyone is honestly like this now.
honestly, as the type of person who dosent make friendships because of an introverted mindset, this inspired me a lot more to appreciate and cherish friendships. love the talking videos btw
i love how you mentioned that friendships should take as much effort as romantic relationships, and should be seen as just as serious! i also wanna add that i myself am not an initiator, and i do truly want to make plans to hang out with ppl, but for some reason i just don't have the energy to. i feel like the plans that i suggest will be too boring for the other person! i gotta work on that fr
I stopped celebrating my own birthday because every single time I suggest anything, people acts like I am boring them. This year I decided not to upset myself and invited my parents and sister to go to the beach. But since 2018 (ignoring the pandemic part) I don’t invite anyone, because they keep complaining about the restaurants I choose, no matter if it’s my birthday not theirs. I simply don’t have the energy anymore.
@@carolferreira705 im so sorry, they should not be treating you that way. those aren't real friends at all. but im glad that you could celebrate this year!
This was so well articulated! Friendships are hard as an adult and there is a time or reason why low maintenance friends are important but I also agree that I feel the closest with friends that I am in contact with on a daily or weekly. It's just we share all the little things that is happening in our life and it makes the other get a glimpse of your life just my opinion and preference though hahah
10:12 "friendships aren't as secure and reliable as romantic relationships" ... I could not disagree more!! Romantic relationships have the potential to end definitively without the possibility of maintaining any sort of relationship afterwards (friendship or otherwise), but friendships can be forever! If the friendship is a pure one, there is never any NEED for them to end and they are secure and reliable given you put effort into them.
i very much agree with you! i think what they may have been trying to say is that because of how we treat romantic relationships and the amount of energy we put into them, vs friendships, romantic relationships end up being the ultimate focus and more long term sustainable. but friendships, if there’s compatibility and communication on both sides, can be the most secure and long term connections ❤
Yes and no, while is true that a relationship can end very definetly, friendships have and alternative ending, they, just one day can decided to never speak to you ever again, and what to you have to say about that? nothing, as they were only your friend they have no compromise on staying with you, at least in a relationship you have a confirm end of it, with friendship you maybe get slowly ghosted little by little, a slow dead of the relationship
I’d say that newer friendships can feel way less secure than a new relationship because it can be harder to ensure they actually like you and won’t just disappear from your life all of a sudden. It takes longer to build platonic trust if you aren’t explicit with you how feel.
@@BlackXSunlight so true!! Friendship breakups often happen after many years of being close, which is longer than a lot of romantic relationships. Especially when you’re younger.
I came up before cell phones and texting. People didn't want to talk to the people around them then either. They did it because they didn't have a choice. I prefer talking to the people who actually really do want to interact with me. The people who genuinely want to talk to random strangers still do. And just like I did in the 90s, I wonder omigosh why is this person talking to me?
You are spot- on like everything. I was that friend who unintentionally would make a potentially great friendship into low maintenance. It is very surprising that those same genuine people are still willing to hang out. Very patient humans, we have learned a lot from each other. Due to financial/poverty issues I turned down SO MANY opportunities for a closer friendship in the name of shame and toxic amounts of pride. I am young and still working on it so perspectives like yours really help.
Thank you for saying this! People in LA don't actually like to hang. People want to go out just for a social media moment. I've been in LA for going on 4 years after picking up from east coast and barely have found friends but grateful for those I've found. Quality of people is hard here, people see quality in their status and what they have to offer beyond a connection. You have a lot perspective for your age and being new to the city. Bless you!
i swear i've been thinking about this so much recently, especially the platonic vs romantic relationships, and its so nice to hear it spoken far more eloquently than i could. thank you for another amazing video
From 11-23 years old, I use to be the friend that would allow my "friends" to treat me any kind of way because I was trying to be so understanding when they had things going on. However, I noticed they would be with others with no issue. I am now 26 and I finally have friends who generally like me and we make time for each other. I even met someone who I consider my bestfriend now, literally here as an Au Pair from south africa, makes time for me, always checks in when she can and its always the best time. I don't understand why people put more time into romantic relationships and not friendships when friendships are highly important as well. I do the 3 time meet up rule as well. I am literally okay with some things not working out, we are at an age where we don't have to feel force to keep people in our lives.
yes! i dont mind low maintenance friendships, but it sucks when people always “forget” to reply to me or just dont get back to me at all but then post on social media hanging out/texting other people
I’m 21 now and ever since covid started (when I was 17) all my friendships deteriorated.. granted we got into adulthood and went different paths but not being able to see each other etc made it so much worse. We used to be so close and I’m just so sad now
Honestly, it’s really hard to put in true effort (in MY lived experience) into friendships that aren’t “low effort” because I’m so absolutely completely exhausted by life already and hardly even have the emotional capacity for more than a few people (like 2). I’m so burnt out and there aren’t enough hours in the day to work 40 hours, cook 2 healthy meals a day, work out, do some self care things, hygiene, etc. I feel like the US would thrive more socially if we didn’t need to meet this stupid 40-60 hour bs to make ends meet
for me, i recently graduated from highschool. i came to high school in a group and left with none. in 2021, i started cutting off people. even if i knew them for almost half of my life or 9 months. i realized how much time and effort i giving into these friendships. the other person wasn’t reciprocating it back. ever since then i’ve been lonely and only have a few friends. i accepted that and i learned okay to be alone. i appreciate my alone time even though seeing everyone in friend groups. i’m reaching out to new people and i’m starting college this fall. so i’ll make friends there! whoever is reading who can somewhat resonate. i hope you find loving and caring friends! just know being alone is okay!
proud of you for recognizing your worth and putting yourself first when the efforts not being reciprocated. excited for you this fall and rooting for ya
Low maintenance friendship person here since before it was an apparent trend: messaging, for whatever reason is STRESSFUL AF. So people I have this type of friendship with is those who I have been around A LOT then have had some physical distance places between us. But give us anxiety baddies some grace 😅
I get this. I've been in a tough spot for several months now and I feel extremely unsupported by friends. It's kinda depressing ngl. I think some people don't expect or want to be there for tough times. I don't think i'm obligated to anyone's support or that someone else needs to save me/fix my problems but it hurts to not get the support i think i would give were the situation reversed tbh. As my situation continues for idk how long, might even be getting worse who knows, I kinda am at the point where I'm tired of showing up to hang out and faking cheer/joy for ppl who don't check in or find ways to support me beyond 'things will work out some day lol/wish i could help/let me know how i can help...no cant help with that or that not that either' etc. I think it particularly sucks bc i've unilaterally made my friends my chosen family bc my family is shit- objectively lol- and unlearning that is hard bc it highlights how very alone and unsupported i am and internalizing what that might mean about ME is truly disheartening.
THIS. i’ve been feeling like this for a few months now. I’m also someone who has my friends be my chosen family, and there’s been times lately where I truly need someone and realize there’s no one i can turn to anymore and it’s so heartbreaking for me. Even cried about it a little earlier today. I have no idea how I can make genuine friends, I’ve tried everything there is to do. I believe I’m a decent, down to earth gal and am always out there to lend a hand but can never get it in return. Idk I just constantly feel like i’m failing myself and don’t know what to do about it anymore..
Wow this sounds really tough for you. I'm really sorry to hear that. I think hearing let me know how I can help might be well intended but still isn't helping because you yourself don't know what to do and what would be nice would be if someone would simply be there. It would be great if you could internalize that you do deserve to be cared for and it doesn't say anything per se bad about you that someone isn't there. Trusting as a first step can be hard and draining but there is the possibility at least to find what you need. Hope you'll both find the friends you deserve
13:09 this is one thing I'm only half in agreement with. Increased accessibility does cheapen how we communicate, but I believe we can look to a certain something that happened in 2016 that increased our wariness in talking to strangers specifically, or opening up too much to a colleague or acquaintance. Kate at the front desk is such a riot!! And then during the work event/potluck she gets a little lit and goes off about those "they/thems." That guarded paranoia (much of it justified) has become a huge barrier in building camaraderie.
As an asexual person, you’ve completely hit the mark in that with a really solid group of friends there is often little or no desire for a romantic or physical relationship. My current group of friends is super tight and even as someone who is twenty and has never had a relationship I truly have no feelings of inadequacy when I think of the lack of romantic relationships I have. Thanks for this video!
i would disagree and say that just bc you don’t see your friends often doesn’t mean you’re lazy! it’s like me saying that ppl who want to hang out often are needy, and that’s not fair. it’s all about finding ppl who respect your boundaries and understand each others needs and expectations. i grew up where my friends and i couldn’t see each other often (ex. strict parents, not a lot of money, etc.) and so that’s just what i’m used to. even today, i have great friends, but we don’t see each other often. when we do, it’s great! when we don’t, we still are there for each other. i also am at that stage of my life where i would not treat my friends and partner in an overall drastic way. whether if my friends or my bf asked me to hang out last minute, i would put more priority on either sides depending on the circumstances; am i available? am i in a good mood? etc. i guess it could also be that i’m more of a conversation person than an activity person. even if i was doing an activity, i’d most likely rather find like-minded individuals to do those activities with me than my friends, UNLESS they are also into the same activities too, then great! i agree that the small talk can get a lot, but also it doesn’t always have to be small talk. i’ve met ppl and we just go straight to more interesting things to talk about, whether it’s deep or literally about our thoughts on food nothing crazy! i also don’t think that every connection you make has to be deeply fulfilling. some ppl you meet are just for in the moment and that’s totally fine. hope this provides another perspective 👍🏻
We had a fairly large group of friends in the early 2000s. Most of them were people my brother and sister knew growing up. We were living in a rural area on the outskirts of town at the time. When they were at our place, we'd just chill with games, movies, food, etc. I miss it a lot. Talking online can only go so far when you're going through an emotional spiral.
i love hearing your insight on friendship, i feel like i always resonate with everything you say! also u posted this at the perfect time cos my friend and i (both on the aromantic spectrum) get confused and wonder why people care so much about romantic relationship over their platonic friendship!
i’ve been thinking so much abt friendships bc they’ve been changing so much as i’ve gotten older and i overthink social interactions so much. and absolutely agree abt the traveling to see people; like i will always make the time and effort for people but i’ve realized a lot of ppl won’t maintain a friendship if there’s no proximity.
I’m a major introvert, and to me, friendships - both attaining and maintaining friendships - was always a chore. It was fun in times like middle school and high school, but you graduate and you don’t see them often anymore, and it’s hard to keep talking to them as often. It’s not because I don’t like them, I LOVE my best friend, but because I like to spend so much of my time alone, texting and meeting up with her became such a chore. I guess I’m just destined to be lonely and live with 5 cats lol
how my friends and i used to chill (back in 2007-2014): run around the mall and play hide and seek actually sleep over walk around in the middle of the night just to wander 2 am waffle house breakfasts go to a park after midnight and dance in the rain walk around bookstores for no reason host parties and have bonfires at our parents house (obvs most people don't have houses now) go out to a bakery and get dessert just to catch up we weren't on our phones. we weren't taking selfies. we were very in the moment. and we were misfits. none of us dressed the same. i miss it.
It is so hard to find genuine people in nyc. I’ve had 5 friendships in 4 years end with a ghosting dead end because they didn’t find the relationship worth the energy it would take for them to voice whatever they were unhappy with in order for it to be resolved. I’m always the one attempting to keep the line of communication open, but once it hits a certain point I have to give up and accept that they suck. I feel like the low-maintenance attitude you discuss encourages people to bottle their emotions regarding friendships to a fault, to where relationships that could easily be healed are instead ended because people view the need for any sort of work in a friendship as uncool.
you literally get it, everytime I say stuff like this I feel so weird especially the platonic vs romantic relationships and the fact that it is just as important and intimate as romance :( let us break the barriers
this is how i feel about everybody at school. i only feel like my reallll friend is the friend ive known my whole life literally. i talk to other ppl and i have close friends other than the one but even then its just a weird situation. i also might have ocd and i have pretty bad anxiety so i think thats probably a big part in it
The key to friendships is to hang out doing something you actually like. At least, that's my guide to friendship. Friends/like-minded people tend to gravitate towards eachother.
I used to like loving and talking to everyone in my classmate but not anymore , now i get to know that who is appreciate me and who are doing my moral down and the good thing is that , i just slowly making distance with them and in this process i come to know that there are some ppl who love me for who i'm and appreciate me , even they are my junior in clg but they are my fav ppl and while you are paying it feel to worth spending money . i think when you feel from inside that you are happy and feeling comfortable with them then you understand,that is the right thing.
I also feel guilty of being a bad friend like crazy. But I’m also too lazy to text people, initiate conversations or socialize. But I also don’t wanna lose my friends. I’m just torn between these two, and stuck in a really bad place.😐
I want to mention that some people desperately stay around these people that aren’t genuine friends. You’re better off letting go of these people who don’t even care to be in your life and waiting to see WHO actually tries to see you!
For the longest time, I never felt the want to be in a romantic relationship. But as I’ve gotten a little older, I’ve come to realize my friendships don’t feel as reliable as they use to, and I find myself craving a romantic relationship for the sake of having someone who I feel I could rely on to be there for me. I personally always felt like our friends should be our “soul mates”, but if no one else is going to live by that standard, then I suppose I’ll join the club everyone else is in.
Well my social life is none existant platonic or romantic ,and sometimes i crave to feel a bound or to just belong , when it comes to relationships it feels like ive been window shopping my whole life ,there is always this invisible barrier .
You are eloquent! I seek this quality and you have this in spades. Keep up your spirit and continue developing yourself. You'll build your community slowly but surely.
I totally agree, all my friends expect low maintenance friendships. They only reach out when they're bored and have nothing else better to do which not true friendship. True friendship is when they make time for you and not just in their free time. They take you as a pastime and not as an actual relationship and therefore no bond is created.
I can't remember how many times I've reached out to homies to try and meet up and make plans and get ghosted, but then see a few of them hanging out on social media or when I do reach out to them they tell me: "Oh I was thinking about what you're up to", you couldn't shoot me text? So if I never reached out to you, I would have never known, thanks! I hate it so much, chasing people and relationships is exhausting and no one cares until it's too late. So many fake friends are out there, it's a pandemic. I'm glad for the few people that do hit me up, I wish them the best. 😭
Thank you for bringing up this topic. I was trying to find a book (or "textbook") to teach me how to maintain/find a healthy friendship. Really glad that so many people also have similar experiences or ideas.
I hate how social media makes us feel like we don't have to check in on others. I told my closest friends i'll be switching to a Nokia for school and they agreed to make calling our main means of communication. With some of them, we write letters and only text to update on the status of our letters. Deleting my socials really showed how much effort people don't put into relationships they value because they're equating exposure (thru the internet) with checking in.
The last part of the video really hit hard, because I recently "broke up" with a close friend, and I have been trying to hard to hold on to her. But maybe I really should let her go
I feel like a lot of my friendships are one sided, I am the one who initiates most of the hangouts and conversations over text with my friends. I love them but I am often insecure about how much they don’t talk to me as much as I do them.
making new friends as an adult is SOO difficult. my two closest a friends are my childhood bestie and my friend from high school. they’re both dating now so I feel like I’ve been left behind which sucks !!! platonic relationships are so underrated
One of the problems now is that people are so thirsty for real connection, that when they do make a real friend, they overburden and overwhelm that person with all their emotional and life problems and it is just too much. Before people would have many close friends and family, so their emotional needs got spread out more. I have had to distance from a lot of people because they mistake my "real" friendship into being their own unpaid psychologist, and it is always one way, and after a point, I just can't deal with their problems. This is prob why people want low maintenence friendships, but in the end those are empty. Its a cycle that fuels itself.
God put this video on my feed, omg. I felt very alone with the fact that my friendships have dwindled since my girls got boyfriends... it's nice to see I'm not the only one. Thank you for this, I needed this video.
I keep imagining living in a village with huts to my left and right of people who helped care for me when I was born. I'd hunt with a group of boys and men I had been around my whole life. Every dinner I ate would be with almost every single person I'd ever met, and we would sing and dance together regularly. I know life was much harder in more primitive times, and I'm grateful for modern medicine and agriculture, but it feels like a part of the problem we're all facing is that we didn't evolve to build communities from scratch. We evolved to live in shoulder to shoulder bonds, but modern social systems rely heavily on face to face bonding, and I think it's too overwhelming and feels forced/unnatural to a lot of us
I tried asking my only 2 friends to intrduce me to their friends bc I suck at making aquaintances on my own. But they say they do not really have any real friends either. Fuck.
Idk if anyone's ever said this or if you've heard it said a million times but how you talk abt friendships is so aromantic-coded I'm so grateful the algorhithm got me here bc I needed this a lot thank you ❤
Hi! I clicked on your video because I struggle with a lot of friendship starters. Not that I don’t try to make friends and don’t show interest, but sometimes I get lonely. Anyway, I thought that you were beautiful inside and out! As an artist, I find your physical appearance as gorgeous, and as a human, I’m glad that I can receive advice from someone in this lonely time.
the part about platonic friendships is so sad bc i value my platonic friendships way more than romantic & i view my romantic relationships as more disposable/replaceable !!!! but yes it sucks losing friends to their partner 🙄
I’m not one to usually comment, but I loved todays video. Everything you have said is soooo true, it makes me sad knowing that I know why I’m not welcome into some friend groups, because I don’t fit into what aesthetic they want in their life and photos. Anyway we love you Dustin 🤍
Some of my favourite hangouts with my close friends have just been at my house or in a park with a takeaway coffee and moody playlist where we can just talk for hours and enjoy each other's company, and not have to have something that is the centre of our hangout eg dinner, drinks, movie. I feel like whenever we centre something around our hangout it ends up being a catch up conversation updating each other on everything we've missed, whereas when we're just chilling out we have deeper conversations that in turn deepen our connection to each other
4:07 betterhelp code 10% off 5:05 don't be a party pooper 7:02 the truth abt low maintance friendships 9:40 a tip but he doesn't say it's one 14:33 the first tip to make friends 15:06 another tip 15:25 tip nr 3 15:52 his three try rule 16:15 lastly... 16:42 there's still a tip left 16:57 the 11 3 6 rule
My sister always said, "real friends never look like they're going to the same party". Choosing friends based on their aesthetic never even crossed my mind but now it makes sense with all those girls who looked the same but lowkey hated each other while claiming they were "best friends forever"
This is my friends and i 100%!! Its a huge deal when we end up with outfits that work together lol!
Wow you’re so right 😮❤
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oh my god that's the truest thing i've ever heard. all of my friends have different styles but are all so awesome and interesting! its crazy that people would hang out together for the aesthetic
One of the group of friends that I loved the most and still hold so dear in my heart is the one from my 1st and 2nd year of high school. And what I loved most about them was that we were all COMPLETELY different... yet somehow, they still liked me and cared about me, never expecting me to be anything other than who I already was. I treasure those days from 10 years ago with a lot of care bc I just know it made me feel like I could belong. It's a hard feeling to find
also ya'll notice how easily you become friends with coworkers. not because you have a bunch in common (in fact I have very little in common with my coworkers) but because you are forced to be around each other so often and once you get to know them you realize how cool and fun they are.. That's what really shows me that it's not just about being super similar. It's about spending quality time with eachother.
I don’t trust my coworkers. They gossip a lot and think people around them are idiots.
Personally can't relate they are nice but I think it is a bit dangerous to think of them as friends. The minute something bad happens it can be easy to be blamed. And even if you work at really awesome places with the best people like I have many people are just nice to people at work but they have their own lives and in my experience don't like to let coworkers really into their lives (especially when you leave the company)
@@DarthAndylus I keep mine as acquaintances and maybe hang out on a surface level instead of going deep. After I leave a job, I'm much more open to sharing my personal life them of course, if they're still feeling hanging out with me.
Depends on the coworker for me. I have a pair of good friends from work that I chat with and go get drinks with a lot. Everyone else stays as anywhere between acquaintances and mortal enemies lolol
@@carolferreira705Gossip is not intrinsically bad but the 2nd part yes
“Without effort, you cannot maintain friendships.” This is spot on!
tbh i think this is pretty obvious. it is not that profound
@@Dave_of_Mordoragree, but the way media and social media portraits friendship is it should be as easy as brushing your teeth. In reality it takes work commutation
same with relationships
I don't like how that sounds. I gave a lot to someone and received bearley anything back not even fun chatting. Some people are holes that just devour the efforts.
Friends are people who bring the best out of you. It's not even efforts It's a pleasure to maintain and enhance it.
Especially when you do most of the fucking lifting. I was there for my best friend when both he and I got laid of from our jobs. I gave him rides, lent him money with no expectation of giving it back. What happened when I had a meltdown and disappeared from social media and the weekend d&d nights? Crickets
On the note of people who make friends based on their looks and aesthetics - y’all are missing the whole point of friendship!! While that can be nice, it’s so important to be around people who are different than you. Helps you grow and learn new perspectives.
completely agree !!
@@Givebackthescarf There’s room for both. I only spoke to not closing yourself off to people just based on those factors. Like I said, that can be nice but it’s also important to be around people who are different. Balance is everything.
Always be open sure but fashion is a sign of social intelligence, we subconsciously will not want to associate with people who go out looking like they didn’t care, because it’s a sign of their actual personality 99% of the time
And get taken advantage of really, really quickly if you're not brutally clear on their motives, who you are from the outside, and why people would want difference in their friend groups. They may be missing the point of friendship, but they're flatly clear on the point of how humans work in an bluntly unequal world.
@@StephenVTranlol what 🤣 all that says is that they don't care about fashion. Also what if they can't afford to be fashionable.
friendships are my favourite type of relationship because, if done right, they're the purest form of relationship. there's no big overarching obligations you might have with family or partners, it's (hopefully) not transactional, but you just hang out and help each other out because you like that person and think they're neat and want to hear their thoughts and experience things together. after realizing i was ace it sent me on a course of like "there's a chance i might never have a partner so I should invest time in the relationships I do have!" and it gave me a huge new appreciation for friends. having good friends is so so fulfilling. they're awesome!!! i love my friends so much!!!
ok
I just came out as ace to some people around me and I totally relate to that feeling.
@@BeautyAnarchist 😂
As an ARO ACE, i can legit confirm this is what I'm doing in my life rn. I'm married to my business.
I think the same
I think low maintenance friendships can be unhealthy like only texting when YOU want to 😭 plus friendships come with effort, consistency and such
If it’s one sided like that, then it’s not a low maintenance friendship. It’s a dying friendship. People who only speak to you on their terms, then they’re not your friend. Be safe out there
I agree
i feel guilty for doing this. Texting my friends only when I find something that my friends need to see/hear which is once in every 3/4 days. How do I put more effort ?
@@twasteait makes a difference if you’re in the same place as them. Like the same area. I’m the same way but we are so far apart and communicating is tough.
It's so hard to keep up with friends as you get older, especially as a single woman. I would say 90% of my friends have simply vanished now that they are in relationships, married and having children. I have to initiate all the conversations, which tend to get shorter and shorter. They never want to hang out, they start making you feel bothersome, and lord forbid you ask them for help or a favour, so eventually you stop trying and then literally never hear from them again. I have to say it's kind of made me a bit cynical when I meet new potential friends because I think, I'm going to put all this effort into our friendship, how long is it until you get a s/o and peace out of my life? It feels shitty getting abandoned again and again.
I've never really wanted a romantic relationship but I've started thinking, 'is this the only way to have someone stay consistently by your side?' but I don't want to get into a relationship for the wrong reasons
Wait so people just don't feel the need to have friends anymore once they start a family??? Isn't that kind of unhealthy?
I am a married woman with a child. I am a millenial and I have found that my single friends now think they are 'too cool' for me. I am not saying you are wrong in your predicament, but I would like you to know that we get abandoned too :( I think all of this is the result of our highly fragmented, stressed out society. PS. I love your Basset Hound picture, I myself grew up with a Beagle.
@@elamrani1449 Who knows, whatever works for them I guess. The main reasons I get is that they just don't have the time anymore, and they want to focus primarily on their family and relationship with their partner. Or that they are introverted and don't have the capacity to have a family and still be social with their friends anymore.
Even had someone straight up tell me that they aren't sharing their life or bank account with their friends so they are not important or a priority to them after they got married. Needless to say I'm not friends with her anymore.
Yeah I 100% agree that it's a two way road and really not fair to people with children as well.
I've even seen within my circle of friends there are more single women who are getting into this whole marriage and baby-hating negative mindset, and they almost turn on the friends who get married and start their family, like they 'sold out'
A lot of the reason is, oh you can't be spontaneous anymore. Like they are spontaneous, takes 5-7 business days to set up a coffee date with them.
I love my friends children, I can spoilt them rotten and then go home lol. I don't want to blame my friends, I'm sure they have their reasons just sucks to be frozen out@@nativefraulein5801
When peoples lives change, their priorities and values change too. Also energy. Childless friends may not want children around almost every time you hang out. Moms may not want to do anything beyond sleep when they have a free moment. Those are just a couple examples, but there is so much more.
I do believe that our environment plays a big role in this. It was easier to make friends in school because 1 you both had to be there, 2 you were in similar stages of your life, 3 you had time. I mean, how often do friendships fade and end when one friend moves and changes schools?
Where do adults spend most of their time? Work. How many of us really want all our friendships to be work friendships? Is that even a good idea?
Often times the “friends” who’d promote low-maintenance friendships were also the ones who’d only come to me when they needed someone to rant to so I dropped em 💀
Yeah, I’m starting to notice this. They pop up out of nowhere just to rant about this very specific thing in their life like some monthly therapy appointment
as an aromantic person, thank you for this video. platonic bonds can be just as important and fulfilling as romantic bonds, and I wish others could see that. I think we would all be happier if we started making friendships a priority all the time instead of automatically putting friends on the back burner as soon as a romantic partner enters the picture.
how'd you know you are aro? because i've been questioning for the better part of a year if i Want a romantic relationship of Feel like i have to want it but also Women!! but also Friendship!! and i just want to smash my head into a wall
@@martagaviohmygod i feel the exact same way as you, i hope op replies 😭
@@martagavi hi! I know you didn’t ask me but I’m also aro and wanted to share my experience if it could help! Realizing I was aromantic was when I realized that I’ve never liked anyone in that way and that I am almost repulsed by getting into a relationship with anyone. I still feel sexual attraction to people but whenever it becomes romantic in a monogamous, intimate, relationship-type way, I get incredibly anxious because I don’t want that and it makes me uncomfortable! Trust me I’ve struggled with my aromanticism for so long and even now, I still don’t really get it so sometimes I just say that I’m on the A-spectrum to make it more simple. However this is just my experience, and I know someone else can have a completely different aromantic experience
@@martagavi hii i'm aro and i realized i was aro because i realized that i view my friendships with the same amount of importance that is usually associated with romantic relationships. also i was looking at the people around me in romantic relationships and i was really thinking 'do i really want those aspects of a relationship?'. i do still desire parts of a romantic relationship, aromanticism to me is more about wanting aspects of both platonic and romantic relationships
Can confirm as a ace
It really is hard to make friends when you’re no longer in school, especially if you’re introverted. I totally agree that friendships are so valuable and can be deeply fulfilling but it’s difficult to become really close friends and attain that. I also totally understand what you meant when you said that some of the people you’ve been meeting don’t feel like real people lol.
Truly…
As a very introverted self content person that has been loving working remotely I realized I have to figure out to organise activities that will get me out and interact with people. My introversion started going into social anxiety territory and feeling awkward talking to new people and just wanting to be in my bubble with my existing friends and as an introvert thats something I slip into very easily if I dont make activities that will "force" me out of that. Stuff like small group yoga classes, hiking groups or different hobbies etc. Its kind of like making your own mini version of what school was doing.
yess im 20 and i have no close friends or really any that i can hangout with and i feel so alone
@@necrophiliac.-.cat5695 i relate so hard. Also 20 here (going on 21) and never had friendships growing up as a child. And ive been isolated for so long, because im scared, i dont even know how to behave around people my age anymore. I feel too childish.. im going to uni this winter and i really hope i find the friendships ive never had, or at least try to be myself instead of pleasing others and fake my identity for the sake of being liked.
Yeah, I realized it ! All my friends are from school and now that I don't go to school anymore, it's hard to meet new people and start new friendships. I thought I bonded with some co-workers, but the minute I wasn't working there anymore, I got no news but was always welcome with a hug and "we missed you !! It's great to see you. " When I visited the place, but that just meant that we didn't build a real friendship outside of the workplace...also I wasn't invited to work dinner... or coworkers' parties... so yeah, we really didn't bound as much as I thought 😅 as an introvert, kinda reserved and struggling to like understand people behaviours and types of communication, it was really hard at first to not see that I wasn't part of "the group" and was trying so hard for people that didn't want me to be close to them...
As someone who's been single for a minute and has a loving group of friends, can confirm the feeling of satiation with my friendships. I'm still open and excited about romantic relationships, but I'm full on the yummy chicken salad and tall glass of water that are my friends
oh...you're friends are chicken salad and water?
@@xxursolovelyxxX😭😭
I wish I could say the same, that sounds nice :P
Lucky bastard
What
To be honest this is exactly what I needed to hear right now, I’m guilty of being a hypocrite and a bad friend by not putting in the effort towards my friends, and yet I crave friendships so much. I’m going through some rough patches with some friends right now because of this and I know that this is just completely my own fault, and I need to take responsibility, but thank you for bringing me down to earth I really needed to hear this
i think this is me too!!
I’m glad you could admit that because not many can
Might be too late for me, bc my very long-lasted friendship has ended a while ago and even if we couldnt find middle ground, at least i feel like i learned a lot. So no matter the outcome, u can become better and work on your mistakes! U got this!🫂
Oof I hear you😭😭
Same omg I ghosted my friends because of some personal things it's been like a week I need to text everyone and explain to them
It is so hard to make friends nowadays, I think, because people act so distant and unsocial on purpose. May it be arrogance or because they are insecure, even the most basic and plainly polite social interactions seem to be a nuisance.
In University I once asked people in a full classroom if I was in the the right room (for a specific lecture) and not even one person bothered to acknowledge my existence. Not one glanced away from their phone, let´s forget even answering my question...I mean I didn´t propose marriage to anyone...
And even if you have a normal, very neutral, small talk like conversation with someone sitting next to you or something like that, they will completely ignore you the next day. As if they have never seen or heard of you before. I mean a short nod or, god forbid, a quiet "hello" is all there needs to be in regards to basic manners.
Also it feels like the perception and concept of friendship has somehow changed into a more superficial relationship towards one another. Even with my old friends from school, their behaviour is more selfcentered, or centered around their romantic relationship. Conversations with them are more like an hour long business meeting in a Cafe than the open-hearted banter I am used to.
This is not healthy behaviour, in any society, even as a german...
The last word of your paragraph had me laughing very loud, well done Sir!
But yeah I agree with you.
I think the detachment and apparent arrogance is in a lot of cases a shield built to protect the ego and the feelings of the person. Like you know the « i reject you before you reject me » to have the feeling to be the one taking the decision. Idk maybe I dont make any sens.
@@MoonWalkerTexsRanger That makes a lot of sense. I know I shut down social interactions because I'm autistic and overly anxious that opening up and talking to people is going to lead to being shamed for missing social cues or just being weird or made to feel shitty for being too overwhelmed to go out fifty percent of the time. But I don't know how to make friends and it is lonely.
The university thing is so true! I live in America and go to community college but I was homeschooled all of highschool which made me feel very nervous. I was already an introvert and socially anxious but homeschooling didn't help lol. Anyway I was shocked at how every other student was like what you said! They made me feel like an extrovert it was crazy
I live in India and it's becoming somewhat same
As someone with no friends, friendships are so important to the extent a lot of people don’t realise. They are a need for everyone, but people in this day and age a lot of the time just suck. Friendships struggle to survive if they are not pure and those friendships are hard to find.
Most of the friendships I have lost have been because I realized I was always the one initiating the conversations and dates. Even after talking to them about it, I end up not talking to them for months because I stopped reaching out first.
a huge thing i think its also causing the friendship recession is the bubble we, as gen Z, got to live in. Its so easy to just listen to what we want and to just connect to people we want that we forget real people with different ideas exist. Gen Z has this discourse that we need to protect our peace and not tolerate people we dont think fit us anymore… But at what point is people good for us? I got into that idea so deep i only found friends on my niche, but i grow out of my interests a lot because i am human, i can and will chance, at some point people became disposable, i could trow and find new ones so easy… At some point into this new social media bubble we got ourselves in we forgot the very base of every relationship: its not interests in comum, its something else, something bigger.
As someone who isn’t gen Z this is an insightful meta comment about the cons of how the generation was conditioned to create relationships
Dude or girl, I am 42 and have this problem since I was 24. And being a single woman with no kids is even worse. It’s not a gen Z exclusivity, unfortunately. When I graduated college (the part he says about school is real), the friendship scenario was over for me. The other people just don’t allow you in their lives, it just don’t matter how hard you try. I practice sports, but it didn’t bring me friends, just daily shallow talks. And I can’t trust my coworkers, they gossip a lot and are mean (so I have to be careful while I pretend I don’t know what they’re doing, because I need my job).
i didn't expect this video to hit home so hard. as someone who's always been the initiator, once i took a step back and stopped, there was no one around and i was left with nothing and no one. i love love and friendship just as much as i always did and maybe even more so nowadays but finding that in people is so much harder that it used to be.
I did the same thing to one friend and just stopped texting to see if they would reach out and they never did.
I’ve lost a couple friends by waiting to see if they would text me and it’s been years lol
I relate to you and all of the replies. I liked this girl for awhile and I thought she was rly cool, even apart from the crush. We went to a school dance together and talked and stuff and I thought we'd become good friends. But slowly, she just stopped trying to be friends. Like nothing at all. I reached out so often to talk to her or hang out, but she never even TRIED to keep the conversation, was kinda rude, and she was never available to hang out. Ofcourse, this girl has a tiktok on her account complaining abt how few in real life friends she has, when she won't put effort into anything. It sucks. Sorry for the rant but you're the first one I've seen expressing something similar to me!
@@greatvalue8377 I'm sorry to hear you went throught that :( but it is more common than you think!
@@xflagsoftheworldx crazy how little you mean to them when you stop trying lol
Friendships become more difficult as you get older. And it’s so true that you tend to hang with those you see on a daily basis (aka in school). I couldn’t agree more with you! No matter what. Friendships are a two way street! You gotta put the effort in!!
The part about people asking ME to hang out and then disappearing has been really getting to me lately. It’s happened to me multiple times and makes me that much less trusting of new people. Thank you for this.
I feel the same way 🥲
this happens to me consistently, and even when i point it out they don't seem to care :/?? could definitely be who i was surrounding myself with (keyword: was) .. so yeah i feel you, you're not alone in that
NO FRRRRR JT MAKES ME SO MF MAD like why even bother???? like i remember back in 2021 a friend wanted to hang out w me and we got to the point where we knew where we wanted to go, yet close to the day we were gonna go he was suddenly like "oh i actually can't....." like bitch wtf??? and he didn't even say why (from what i remember). like girl why would u ask someone to hang out j to back out last minute 😭 it's pretty pathetic tbh (unless they hwve a genuine reason for it. id understand then. but if u back out and don't tell me why then im gonna be mad at u bc be fr.)
Yeah it made me devalue myself a bit but realizing it's just them having issues for whatever reason, basically it's a them issue and not a you issue, so leave them be to sort it out rather than making it one sided by pushing it
People inviting you out but then not confirming and you’re out now asking after them, like you were the one inviting them out when it was their idea. Just strange. I have 100% success rate when it comes to hanging/being invited out when it’s a guy trying to date me.
I especially resonate with hating texting. It’s so inefficient and it almost feels heartless sometimes. I can never tell someone’s tone- which is such a huge huge part of conversation. I don’t know man.
I haven’t had an actual friend since I was 17 now 20. Everyone is so closed off and refuses to do anything. It’s hard and I’ve grown to love the feeling of being alone which is awful because I loved having friends and going out
in the exactly same boat! you get so used to your own company that you don't have patience for people's tomfoolery with leaving texts on read :')
Agreed, fk people.
For real though, I wish I could become close to a handful of really good people that get along with each other too. 🥲 longing for a nice group of friends. Hopefully manifesting it will eventually blossom into something.
You have to be on the same page. Know when you’re barely acquaintances, known when you’re getting a little close, know when you’re besties. Be sure of your value to each other
THIS !!!
people want company so they don't have to do things alone. they don't want to chill because their not looking for intimate platonic relationships. but proximity is a huge barrier to friendships unfortunately because people generally don't like putting in effort into friendships. i loveee that i'm seeing more content around wanting deep genuine connection.
The thing about friendships based off of aesthetics is SO REAL. Sometimes, it's totally accidental, but also sometimes it feels pretty forced and uncomfortable...like I might be asked to photograph a group of friends I hang out with sometimes because I'm not matching their aesthetic on that particular night LOL.
I remember wanting to be in a romantic relationship so much as a tween, and an old friend's mom once told me, "When you're looking for a boyfriend (or romantic partner), you may just be looking for another friend." I think about her words a lot these days, and more and more I'm realizing how much I desire friendships (and spending time with my friends) more so than romantic relationships.
man the whole low maintenance friendship conversation was amazing to hear. these were things i thought about a lot and i'm glad you brought that into the conversation.
omg i've been struggling with finding quality friends and this was so refreshing to watch. definitely makes me appreciate the close friends i have and makes me want to put more effort into those relationships. love the chatty videos by the way! you are so well spoken :)
hey!! I've been struggling with the same thing for my whole life, but we'll both get there!!!!!
i love this video sm, everything is super well said and i def relate to this. a big thing for me is that i feel like i don’t have a “best/closest freind.” i have a lot of great freinds that i love a lot, but i always feel like they each have a different bestie which isn’t me. it sucks not having that sibling-like relationship with someone which i think is why i get so lonely sometimes and crave a romantic relationship so bad, when rlly all i need is a best friend.
i also used to think i hated talking it new people bc i’m a introvert and have social anxiety, but i realized recently that i actually LOVE making new freinds and talking to new people. i went to a few camps over the summer alone, so i was forced to make freinds and get to know strangers. but, i loved every second of it and still am keeping in touch with those people after camp. :)
what kind of camps are these?:)) haha
Same 😢
why is this literally me
brutal
as a queer person probably on the aromantic spectrum this video meant so much to me!! society's idea that romantic relationships are more important than platonic is so frustrating. i feel like it's important for me in my friendships to challenge what is seen as a platonic or romantic act. like holding hands or cuddling with friends, challenging the idea that you can only be physically intimate with those you are in what is considered a romantic relationship. loved your vid so much!!
i had someone who called me a "high-maintenance friend" because I called her out with her not texting me back for 3 weeks to a month later. She lived 15 minutes away and only saw me basically once a year.. then she basically trash-talked me on FB and I found out. CLEARLY, we aren't friends now. I appreciate your video 💖⚡
Bro samee
I have no idea why people use social media to trash talk their friends... so confident that their friends will never stumble across those posts or get tipped off by a third party.
Children must be educated on social media etiquette growing up, since it's better to perfectly hide the lie of friendship than give the victim of bad-mouthing some life-long trauma.
Big agreement on everything! Like you MUST put in effort, friendship without expectations and being able to rely on others and be relied upon is an acquaintance. Not a friend.
As a person who’s often called a low maintenance friend, I don’t really mind it. All my friendships are low maintenance. We see each other whenever it feels nice, and it’s not necessarily a surface-level connection because we connect deeply whenever we do see each other and catch up. I think I would get too stressed if I would have to worry about keeping up with people all of the time. And when we meet, the connection is still as deep as before when it’s the right kind of people. I feel like if a friendship requires a lot of maintenance or for you to go to the same school/ have the same interests etc there’s sometimes not a lot of other things you can connect on. I’ve had school friends where when we both move to different cities we no longer have anything to talk about because the only thing that connected us was our environment
finally someone said it about low-maintenance friendships. a part of me rolls my eyes every time someone’s like “omg i’m such a bad texter lol.” like sure, we all get busy or go through rough mental health patches that drain us of energy and make responding to texts feel harder than it should. HOWEVER, a lot of ppl use “i’m a bad texter” as an excuse and when it’s a consistent pattern it’s like…maybe you’re just lazy 🧐 i don’t even mind initiating most of the time, but i don’t want to have to wonder if i’m ever going to receive a text back, or if i’ll get some excuse a week later. it’s one thing to not respond right away (i don’t even do that!) and another to just flake and barely respond at all. i think it’s worse because i’m not rly someone who texts just to text, usually my texts are plan-oriented so it’s not as if i’m trying to carry on a one-sided dry convo about nothing either. anyways, mini-rant over!
also i know exactly what types of pinterest friend groups you’re referring to 😭😭 you’re so real for that i’m glad i’m not the only one who noticed
i'm mentally ill as balls and unable to say no to most people; what makes texting back so hard for me isn't just answering an hour-old text, it's that most of the time i'm expected to have an hour-long conversation afterwards, finding questions to ask or trying my best to be an active listener when most days, i don't even have the energy to like, eat. and even when i try to tell some of my friends that i need space or that i need to go to sleep cause i have an exam in the morning or that i just don't have the energy to navigate a conversation right now, they just... keep talking. the worst part for me is spamming reels because trying to come up with an engaged reply for the 30+ posts i have piled up in my dms is like hammering nails into my bones. and i know it doesn't take long, that's not the issue; it's that i'll do it, and then i'll inevitably have to do it all over again the next day, and at that point i just don't enjoy the friendship anymore
sorry this was kind of a weird vent LMAO i'm just getting a bit irritated at these comments saying that bad texters are lazy/hypocritical/whatever else
@@mochimochi5926your feelings are correct and make sense as your going through something and your friends don't listen to you when you "finish" the conversation because your busy or tired. but this comment is referring to people (who sometimes have bad mental health) just leavung their friends on delivered for days without communication. Especially those who excuse it as"im bad at texting" when in reality they're just not putting in the effort. you're in the right in this senerio because you communicate that your conversation is over and you need space.
@@mochimochi5926this is a communication and boundary issue. A quick “hey I’m alive and am in hermit mode. I’d love to talk but not feeling up for it. Hope you’re well,” is good enough to maintain friendships and most people respect that. You’re disrespecting your own boundaries and mental health while being upset that others can’t read your mind. When I stopped pouring from an empty cup and stopped flat ignoring people bc they exhausted me (due to my lack of boundaries) my friendships significantly improved. So it absolutely feels like a cop out and is irritating to be friends with people like that. My friends that still do this cause me so much stress and it’s unfair to do to people.
There are various other circumstances that might be going on in their lives, such as genuinely being too busy, struggling with a mental illness, and struggling with long chains of communication, or simply, dealing with feelings of shame and guilt.
In my case, I’m genuinely just a bad texter. I can’t hold a conversation and keep it interesting and engaging, which is why I don’t know how to respond, but I also don’t know how to say I want to leave. Maybe try to understand before calling anyone “lazy.”
This has honestly how I have been feeling lately. Everytime I try to hang out with them and try to set up a hang out its like they dont want too? I feel so guilty that I want to have close relationships with friends and want to hang out them. Most of my friendships nowadays feel so one sided it sucks. So I’ve learned to give them the same energy because if the want to be low maintenance then I won’t judge them but I want to find friends who actually want to be close friends.
I am in the same vibe as you. Now I am giving people exactly what they are giving me.
'where are the down bitches at?' SAME OMG, like nobody is open to hanging out that often these days and that just drowns the fun out of things. so you know what, I've taken a resolution to just go out by myself and have fun, I am SO going to the theatre to watch the barbie movie this week cause it just released in the middle east few days back; who cares if people are too busy (update: I saw the movie y'all, it was so much fun!!)
yes!!! i also went to watch the barbie movie myself, it was honestly such a therapeutic experience and super cool to people watch. hope u have fun !!
@@allielee aww i'm glad you got to have such an experience (hi barbie!) thank youu, I will
I’m 25 this year.
Last year I really suffered with feeling like I had no friends, and then I found that so many 20 somethings feel the same way and it’s like this whole post pandemic thing going on.
Communicate with your friends, be honest but empathetic and respectful and trust me, you’ll realise you have more friends than you think, or you’ll start attracting more people like this and life will get so much better x
I feel this so much. Whenever I meet new people and I vibe with them I like to think that they do want to form a deep, meaningful connection like I do and see where it goes. I slowly show new bits of the real me or the wish to form an emotional connection, but as soon as it's not convenient for them (the usual "just wanna vibe and have fun") they shy away and escape from that commitment completely. A lot of people don't want to bother or don't consider a close friendship worth it; it's really sad and shows how our societies are shaping our minds without us fully noticing.
Either it costs money, time, or both. And people aren't willing to sacrifice any quantity of those anymore.
friendship is difficult these days, there are times where I truly believe my friends really just care about romantic relationships and completely neglect our platonic relationships. Always actively seeking to fill a void yet we're so young, we're literally 15. I'm of a firm belief that if you cannot uphold a platonic relationship, you have no business being in a romantic one. The recent friend neglect goes crazy, and after noticing it in real time and how little our platonic relations mean to them, I've found my subconsciously pulling away from my social life because it seems like everyone is honestly like this now.
honestly, as the type of person who dosent make friendships because of an introverted mindset, this inspired me a lot more to appreciate and cherish friendships. love the talking videos btw
i love how you mentioned that friendships should take as much effort as romantic relationships, and should be seen as just as serious! i also wanna add that i myself am not an initiator, and i do truly want to make plans to hang out with ppl, but for some reason i just don't have the energy to. i feel like the plans that i suggest will be too boring for the other person! i gotta work on that fr
I stopped celebrating my own birthday because every single time I suggest anything, people acts like I am boring them. This year I decided not to upset myself and invited my parents and sister to go to the beach. But since 2018 (ignoring the pandemic part) I don’t invite anyone, because they keep complaining about the restaurants I choose, no matter if it’s my birthday not theirs. I simply don’t have the energy anymore.
@@carolferreira705 im so sorry, they should not be treating you that way. those aren't real friends at all. but im glad that you could celebrate this year!
This was so well articulated! Friendships are hard as an adult and there is a time or reason why low maintenance friends are important but I also agree that I feel the closest with friends that I am in contact with on a daily or weekly. It's just we share all the little things that is happening in our life and it makes the other get a glimpse of your life just my opinion and preference though hahah
10:12 "friendships aren't as secure and reliable as romantic relationships" ... I could not disagree more!! Romantic relationships have the potential to end definitively without the possibility of maintaining any sort of relationship afterwards (friendship or otherwise), but friendships can be forever! If the friendship is a pure one, there is never any NEED for them to end and they are secure and reliable given you put effort into them.
i very much agree with you! i think what they may have been trying to say is that because of how we treat romantic relationships and the amount of energy we put into them, vs friendships, romantic relationships end up being the ultimate focus and more long term sustainable. but friendships, if there’s compatibility and communication on both sides, can be the most secure and long term connections ❤
Yes and no, while is true that a relationship can end very definetly, friendships have and alternative ending, they, just one day can decided to never speak to you ever again, and what to you have to say about that? nothing, as they were only your friend they have no compromise on staying with you, at least in a relationship you have a confirm end of it, with friendship you maybe get slowly ghosted little by little, a slow dead of the relationship
I’d say that newer friendships can feel way less secure than a new relationship because it can be harder to ensure they actually like you and won’t just disappear from your life all of a sudden. It takes longer to build platonic trust if you aren’t explicit with you how feel.
Friendship breakups can happen, and unlike romantic breakups, you can't tell anyone about them because no one gives them any value.
@@BlackXSunlight so true!! Friendship breakups often happen after many years of being close, which is longer than a lot of romantic relationships. Especially when you’re younger.
imagine a friendship that requires too much from you. that would be a pain.
when youve grown, youd actually become more self reliant. thats how it is
I came up before cell phones and texting. People didn't want to talk to the people around them then either. They did it because they didn't have a choice. I prefer talking to the people who actually really do want to interact with me. The people who genuinely want to talk to random strangers still do. And just like I did in the 90s, I wonder omigosh why is this person talking to me?
You are spot- on like everything. I was that friend who unintentionally would make a potentially great friendship into low maintenance. It is very surprising that those same genuine people are still willing to hang out. Very patient humans, we have learned a lot from each other. Due to financial/poverty issues I turned down SO MANY opportunities for a closer friendship in the name of shame and toxic amounts of pride. I am young and still working on it so perspectives like yours really help.
Thank you for saying this! People in LA don't actually like to hang. People want to go out just for a social media moment. I've been in LA for going on 4 years after picking up from east coast and barely have found friends but grateful for those I've found. Quality of people is hard here, people see quality in their status and what they have to offer beyond a connection. You have a lot perspective for your age and being new to the city. Bless you!
i swear i've been thinking about this so much recently, especially the platonic vs romantic relationships, and its so nice to hear it spoken far more eloquently than i could. thank you for another amazing video
From 11-23 years old, I use to be the friend that would allow my "friends" to treat me any kind of way because I was trying to be so understanding when they had things going on. However, I noticed they would be with others with no issue. I am now 26 and I finally have friends who generally like me and we make time for each other. I even met someone who I consider my bestfriend now, literally here as an Au Pair from south africa, makes time for me, always checks in when she can and its always the best time. I don't understand why people put more time into romantic relationships and not friendships when friendships are highly important as well.
I do the 3 time meet up rule as well. I am literally okay with some things not working out, we are at an age where we don't have to feel force to keep people in our lives.
yes! i dont mind low maintenance friendships, but it sucks when people always “forget” to reply to me or just dont get back to me at all but then post on social media hanging out/texting other people
I’m 21 now and ever since covid started (when I was 17) all my friendships deteriorated.. granted we got into adulthood and went different paths but not being able to see each other etc made it so much worse. We used to be so close and I’m just so sad now
Honestly, it’s really hard to put in true effort (in MY lived experience) into friendships that aren’t “low effort” because I’m so absolutely completely exhausted by life already and hardly even have the emotional capacity for more than a few people (like 2). I’m so burnt out and there aren’t enough hours in the day to work 40 hours, cook 2 healthy meals a day, work out, do some self care things, hygiene, etc. I feel like the US would thrive more socially if we didn’t need to meet this stupid 40-60 hour bs to make ends meet
for me, i recently graduated from highschool. i came to high school in a group and left with none. in 2021, i started cutting off people. even if i knew them for almost half of my life or 9 months. i realized how much time and effort i giving into these friendships. the other person wasn’t reciprocating it back. ever since then i’ve been lonely and only have a few friends. i accepted that and i learned okay to be alone. i appreciate my alone time even though seeing everyone in friend groups. i’m reaching out to new people and i’m starting college this fall. so i’ll make friends there!
whoever is reading who can somewhat resonate. i hope you find loving and caring friends! just know being alone is okay!
proud of you for recognizing your worth and putting yourself first when the efforts not being reciprocated. excited for you this fall and rooting for ya
SAME BRUH
Low maintenance friendship person here since before it was an apparent trend: messaging, for whatever reason is STRESSFUL AF. So people I have this type of friendship with is those who I have been around A LOT then have had some physical distance places between us.
But give us anxiety baddies some grace 😅
I get this. I've been in a tough spot for several months now and I feel extremely unsupported by friends. It's kinda depressing ngl. I think some people don't expect or want to be there for tough times. I don't think i'm obligated to anyone's support or that someone else needs to save me/fix my problems but it hurts to not get the support i think i would give were the situation reversed tbh. As my situation continues for idk how long, might even be getting worse who knows, I kinda am at the point where I'm tired of showing up to hang out and faking cheer/joy for ppl who don't check in or find ways to support me beyond 'things will work out some day lol/wish i could help/let me know how i can help...no cant help with that or that not that either' etc. I think it particularly sucks bc i've unilaterally made my friends my chosen family bc my family is shit- objectively lol- and unlearning that is hard bc it highlights how very alone and unsupported i am and internalizing what that might mean about ME is truly disheartening.
THIS. i’ve been feeling like this for a few months now. I’m also someone who has my friends be my chosen family, and there’s been times lately where I truly need someone and realize there’s no one i can turn to anymore and it’s so heartbreaking for me. Even cried about it a little earlier today. I have no idea how I can make genuine friends, I’ve tried everything there is to do. I believe I’m a decent, down to earth gal and am always out there to lend a hand but can never get it in return. Idk I just constantly feel like i’m failing myself and don’t know what to do about it anymore..
Wow this sounds really tough for you.
I'm really sorry to hear that. I think hearing let me know how I can help might be well intended but still isn't helping because you yourself don't know what to do and what would be nice would be if someone would simply be there.
It would be great if you could internalize that you do deserve to be cared for and it doesn't say anything per se bad about you that someone isn't there. Trusting as a first step can be hard and draining but there is the possibility at least to find what you need. Hope you'll both find the friends you deserve
13:09 this is one thing I'm only half in agreement with. Increased accessibility does cheapen how we communicate, but I believe we can look to a certain something that happened in 2016 that increased our wariness in talking to strangers specifically, or opening up too much to a colleague or acquaintance. Kate at the front desk is such a riot!! And then during the work event/potluck she gets a little lit and goes off about those "they/thems." That guarded paranoia (much of it justified) has become a huge barrier in building camaraderie.
As an asexual person, you’ve completely hit the mark in that with a really solid group of friends there is often little or no desire for a romantic or physical relationship. My current group of friends is super tight and even as someone who is twenty and has never had a relationship I truly have no feelings of inadequacy when I think of the lack of romantic relationships I have. Thanks for this video!
this resonates with me so much. i don't want ALL my friendships low-maintenance, i want people texting and calling me back
i would disagree and say that just bc you don’t see your friends often doesn’t mean you’re lazy! it’s like me saying that ppl who want to hang out often are needy, and that’s not fair. it’s all about finding ppl who respect your boundaries and understand each others needs and expectations. i grew up where my friends and i couldn’t see each other often (ex. strict parents, not a lot of money, etc.) and so that’s just what i’m used to. even today, i have great friends, but we don’t see each other often. when we do, it’s great! when we don’t, we still are there for each other. i also am at that stage of my life where i would not treat my friends and partner in an overall drastic way. whether if my friends or my bf asked me to hang out last minute, i would put more priority on either sides depending on the circumstances; am i available? am i in a good mood? etc. i guess it could also be that i’m more of a conversation person than an activity person. even if i was doing an activity, i’d most likely rather find like-minded individuals to do those activities with me than my friends, UNLESS they are also into the same activities too, then great! i agree that the small talk can get a lot, but also it doesn’t always have to be small talk. i’ve met ppl and we just go straight to more interesting things to talk about, whether it’s deep or literally about our thoughts on food nothing crazy! i also don’t think that every connection you make has to be deeply fulfilling. some ppl you meet are just for in the moment and that’s totally fine. hope this provides another perspective 👍🏻
We had a fairly large group of friends in the early 2000s. Most of them were people my brother and sister knew growing up. We were living in a rural area on the outskirts of town at the time. When they were at our place, we'd just chill with games, movies, food, etc. I miss it a lot. Talking online can only go so far when you're going through an emotional spiral.
i love hearing your insight on friendship, i feel like i always resonate with everything you say! also u posted this at the perfect time cos my friend and i (both on the aromantic spectrum) get confused and wonder why people care so much about romantic relationship over their platonic friendship!
i’ve been thinking so much abt friendships bc they’ve been changing so much as i’ve gotten older and i overthink social interactions so much. and absolutely agree abt the traveling to see people; like i will always make the time and effort for people but i’ve realized a lot of ppl won’t maintain a friendship if there’s no proximity.
THANK YOU for saying what you say about treating friendships as worthy of investment and maintenance j like ppl put into romantic relationships 💛
If anyone can relate to living in a small rural town, you know it’s tough to even have relationships or fun!!!
I’m a major introvert, and to me, friendships - both attaining and maintaining friendships - was always a chore. It was fun in times like middle school and high school, but you graduate and you don’t see them often anymore, and it’s hard to keep talking to them as often. It’s not because I don’t like them, I LOVE my best friend, but because I like to spend so much of my time alone, texting and meeting up with her became such a chore. I guess I’m just destined to be lonely and live with 5 cats lol
I feel you… even being surrounded by family I still feel lonely.
how my friends and i used to chill (back in 2007-2014):
run around the mall and play hide and seek
actually sleep over
walk around in the middle of the night just to wander
2 am waffle house breakfasts
go to a park after midnight and dance in the rain
walk around bookstores for no reason
host parties and have bonfires at our parents house (obvs most people don't have houses now)
go out to a bakery and get dessert just to catch up
we weren't on our phones. we weren't taking selfies. we were very in the moment. and we were misfits. none of us dressed the same. i miss it.
It is so hard to find genuine people in nyc. I’ve had 5 friendships in 4 years end with a ghosting dead end because they didn’t find the relationship worth the energy it would take for them to voice whatever they were unhappy with in order for it to be resolved. I’m always the one attempting to keep the line of communication open, but once it hits a certain point I have to give up and accept that they suck. I feel like the low-maintenance attitude you discuss encourages people to bottle their emotions regarding friendships to a fault, to where relationships that could easily be healed are instead ended because people view the need for any sort of work in a friendship as uncool.
you literally get it, everytime I say stuff like this I feel so weird especially the platonic vs romantic relationships and the fact that it is just as important and intimate as romance :( let us break the barriers
this is how i feel about everybody at school. i only feel like my reallll friend is the friend ive known my whole life literally. i talk to other ppl and i have close friends other than the one but even then its just a weird situation. i also might have ocd and i have pretty bad anxiety so i think thats probably a big part in it
The key to friendships is to hang out doing something you actually like. At least, that's my guide to friendship. Friends/like-minded people tend to gravitate towards eachother.
I used to like loving and talking to everyone in my classmate but not anymore , now i get to know that who is appreciate me and who are doing my moral down and the good thing is that , i just slowly making distance with them and in this process i come to know that there are some ppl who love me for who i'm and appreciate me , even they are my junior in clg but they are my fav ppl and while you are paying it feel to worth spending money . i think when you feel from inside that you are happy and feeling comfortable with them then you understand,that is the right thing.
I also feel guilty of being a bad friend like crazy. But I’m also too lazy to text people, initiate conversations or socialize. But I also don’t wanna lose my friends. I’m just torn between these two, and stuck in a really bad place.😐
I want to mention that some people desperately stay around these people that aren’t genuine friends. You’re better off letting go of these people who don’t even care to be in your life and waiting to see WHO actually tries to see you!
You are such a comforting person, Dustin. I like hearing you talk and watching your vlog. I am so grateful for your vlogs!!
This is why I don't think people can maintain more than 10 "close" friendships.
For the longest time, I never felt the want to be in a romantic relationship. But as I’ve gotten a little older, I’ve come to realize my friendships don’t feel as reliable as they use to, and I find myself craving a romantic relationship for the sake of having someone who I feel I could rely on to be there for me. I personally always felt like our friends should be our “soul mates”, but if no one else is going to live by that standard, then I suppose I’ll join the club everyone else is in.
Well my social life is none existant platonic or romantic ,and sometimes i crave to feel a bound or to just belong , when it comes to relationships it feels like ive been window shopping my whole life ,there is always this invisible barrier .
You are eloquent! I seek this quality and you have this in spades. Keep up your spirit and continue developing yourself. You'll build your community slowly but surely.
I totally agree, all my friends expect low maintenance friendships. They only reach out when they're bored and have nothing else better to do which not true friendship. True friendship is when they make time for you and not just in their free time. They take you as a pastime and not as an actual relationship and therefore no bond is created.
I can't remember how many times I've reached out to homies to try and meet up and make plans and get ghosted, but then see a few of them hanging out on social media or when I do reach out to them they tell me: "Oh I was thinking about what you're up to", you couldn't shoot me text? So if I never reached out to you, I would have never known, thanks! I hate it so much, chasing people and relationships is exhausting and no one cares until it's too late. So many fake friends are out there, it's a pandemic. I'm glad for the few people that do hit me up, I wish them the best. 😭
the point about people making friends to fit an aesthetic is so true! you took the words right out of mouth
4:48 "go to a parking lot and chill" is the most North American things ever said
Thank you for bringing up this topic. I was trying to find a book (or "textbook") to teach me how to maintain/find a healthy friendship. Really glad that so many people also have similar experiences or ideas.
I hate how social media makes us feel like we don't have to check in on others. I told my closest friends i'll be switching to a Nokia for school and they agreed to make calling our main means of communication.
With some of them, we write letters and only text to update on the status of our letters.
Deleting my socials really showed how much effort people don't put into relationships they value because they're equating exposure (thru the internet) with checking in.
The last part of the video really hit hard, because I recently "broke up" with a close friend, and I have been trying to hard to hold on to her. But maybe I really should let her go
I feel like a lot of my friendships are one sided, I am the one who initiates most of the hangouts and conversations over text with my friends. I love them but I am often insecure about how much they don’t talk to me as much as I do them.
At a time in my life where I’ve struggled to make new connections and had to sever others, I’ve never needed to hear this message more.
making new friends as an adult is SOO difficult. my two closest a friends are my childhood bestie and my friend from high school. they’re both dating now so I feel like I’ve been left behind which sucks !!! platonic relationships are so underrated
One of the problems now is that people are so thirsty for real connection, that when they do make a real friend, they overburden and overwhelm that person with all their emotional and life problems and it is just too much. Before people would have many close friends and family, so their emotional needs got spread out more. I have had to distance from a lot of people because they mistake my "real" friendship into being their own unpaid psychologist, and it is always one way, and after a point, I just can't deal with their problems. This is prob why people want low maintenence friendships, but in the end those are empty. Its a cycle that fuels itself.
God put this video on my feed, omg. I felt very alone with the fact that my friendships have dwindled since my girls got boyfriends... it's nice to see I'm not the only one. Thank you for this, I needed this video.
I feel like he’s lowkey calling me out lol and honestly I needed it
I keep imagining living in a village with huts to my left and right of people who helped care for me when I was born. I'd hunt with a group of boys and men I had been around my whole life. Every dinner I ate would be with almost every single person I'd ever met, and we would sing and dance together regularly. I know life was much harder in more primitive times, and I'm grateful for modern medicine and agriculture, but it feels like a part of the problem we're all facing is that we didn't evolve to build communities from scratch. We evolved to live in shoulder to shoulder bonds, but modern social systems rely heavily on face to face bonding, and I think it's too overwhelming and feels forced/unnatural to a lot of us
Bro i relate to u on many levels that just watching ur vids makes me feel less lonely :((
7:10 "how do you expect to build close relationships with your friends if you barely talk to them" THIS!
I tried asking my only 2 friends to intrduce me to their friends bc I suck at making aquaintances on my own. But they say they do not really have any real friends either. Fuck.
Idk if anyone's ever said this or if you've heard it said a million times but how you talk abt friendships is so aromantic-coded I'm so grateful the algorhithm got me here bc I needed this a lot thank you ❤
"friendship comes in seasons" this!!
Hi! I clicked on your video because I struggle with a lot of friendship starters. Not that I don’t try to make friends and don’t show interest, but sometimes I get lonely. Anyway, I thought that you were beautiful inside and out! As an artist, I find your physical appearance as gorgeous, and as a human, I’m glad that I can receive advice from someone in this lonely time.
oh how do i love these chatty videos! vlogs are amazing but these sit-down-and-talk are probably my favourite
the part about platonic friendships is so sad bc i value my platonic friendships way more than romantic & i view my romantic relationships as more disposable/replaceable !!!! but yes it sucks losing friends to their partner 🙄
I’m not one to usually comment, but I loved todays video. Everything you have said is soooo true, it makes me sad knowing that I know why I’m not welcome into some friend groups, because I don’t fit into what aesthetic they want in their life and photos. Anyway we love you Dustin 🤍
tysm!! i appreciate the comment hahah
Some of my favourite hangouts with my close friends have just been at my house or in a park with a takeaway coffee and moody playlist where we can just talk for hours and enjoy each other's company, and not have to have something that is the centre of our hangout eg dinner, drinks, movie. I feel like whenever we centre something around our hangout it ends up being a catch up conversation updating each other on everything we've missed, whereas when we're just chilling out we have deeper conversations that in turn deepen our connection to each other
4:07 betterhelp code 10% off
5:05 don't be a party pooper
7:02 the truth abt low maintance friendships
9:40 a tip but he doesn't say it's one
14:33 the first tip to make friends
15:06 another tip
15:25 tip nr 3
15:52 his three try rule
16:15 lastly...
16:42 there's still a tip left
16:57 the 11 3 6 rule