Eight Lies from Childhood Trauma
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- Опубліковано 21 вер 2024
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"You Don't Belong Here!" This is CPTSD Lie#1, and it can make you feel like an unwelcome outsider everywhere you go: That is just one of eight lies your trauma tries to tell you! In this video I'll cover eight of these lies -- how they get into your mind, how they affect you, and what you can do to break their spell and root them out of your consciousness.
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The lies:
1. "You are an unwelcome outsider"
2. "You are permanently damaged goods"
3. "People are out to get you"
4. "You'd better not be too picky, just take what comes along, that's all you deserve"
5. "Everything is temporary"
6. "Your negative experiences prove your fears are true"
7. "You need to stay angry, because if you don't, you'll have nothing to protect you"
8. "Somebody will eventually come along and save you"
We can recover from injury. Change at least one or two of the bad threads. Fear of abandonment trauma prevents good choices. Beware of reactivated trauma/triggers. You don't need anger, just boundaries. Don't long for parental comfort, because it's most likely that nobody but you will save you.
This is a great video. I've dealt with all these lies. Sometimes they still pop up... but I'm getting better all the time.
Thank you, CCF!!! 👏😉🏞
Great summary. Thanks! A service to all.
You da real MVP! My connection is shoddy and the video kept buffering. I was going to post a plea in the comments for someone to list the 8 lies in this video but then I saw your comment! 🙌🏅
How are mask mandates, forced quarantines, forced testing, lockdowns andvaccine mandates doing for the boundaries?
I really feel it is difficult to heal in this world.
Looking forward to hear all your responses.
omg... STOP READING MY MIND lol... seriously though. this in incredible
@@soccom8341576 it keeps is alive. Don't try rewriting the science
My mother who was very codependent and had extremely dysfunctional relationships used to always say beggars can’t be choosers and put the horrible idea in me that I should just be grateful for any attention.. boy did that do a lot of damage.
I was told by my mother that I was too fussy about relationships. Looking back I could see why I didn't want to continue those relationships after a few dates.
@@lemsip207 I’m glad you could see what was wrong in your relationships. My mum was mainly indifferent when I was dumped, but if she knew I’d dumped someone myself, got angry because I was “hurting their feelings”. She’s tried to force me to stay in other toxic friendships, too. I think it’s better to see “fussiness” over potential partners as “discernment” or like you’re interviewing people for a (hopefully) long term position in your life.
@Abby_Kendrick very damaging belief, but you can undo it now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy oh I have .. almost too much to the opposite extreme
OmG that is how I have always felt! Like I had to take what I could get, especially with dating.
I remember this girl in grade four. She was an Indigenous child. She had shoulder length dark hair and a broken front tooth. Her name was Yvonne. I noticed that her hair was greasy and her shirt was dirty so I got her to come home at lunch time with me. I washed her hair and gave her a shirt to wear, a bright yellow turtle neck. I put hers in a bag for her and we went back to School. She was so apprehensive and I really talked her into it. I don't remember how soon she disappeared but I don't recall our relationship going past that day. I don't think she finished the year, I think she told me we couldn't be friendsanymore. I think about her quite often. I don't know whether I should try to find her ? I still have the yearbook I think.
I so wanted to show her how great she was. That she was just fine as anyone else. My 10 year old self was so hurt and confused. I was so certain that I was right. That I could make her strong in one afternoon. I probably got her in a bunch of trouble.
❤️
Or you may be the best memory she has of that time in her childhood.
Since she can't, I'll say it:
Thank you.
🌹🍀🏆♥️💯👏😉
What a kind soul you are, especially at the age of 10.
People like you keep hope alive. If someone cared about me that much back then and reached out to me today I would be touched. But be careful. Some people don't turn out okay.
You seem codependent to me. You can't save people. I say this because I see myself in you and this is the hard truth I'm having to learn myself.
"Everything is temporary" is profound for me. I've had many jobs, many homes, many relationships, all temporary. Like I don't belong anywhere. I sold my house last year and bought a motorhome, so I can go from place to place and try to figure out where I want to be long term. A metaphor of my life, ya think?
Me too..I know the feeling
I live on a sailboat So I dont have to belong anywhere... But ive been living here at this marina for 6 years
@Leah_Thomas omg the CPTSD dream :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I used to think about buying a Silverline (I meant Airstream) so I could do the same thing. If I ever come into a substantial amount of money maybe I'll get one.
Hi Leah. I did the same thing 3 years ago. The van life worked less than a year. For 3 years since that I’ve done temp jobs and temp room rentals. Really need something permanent.
If you're not healthy, you're not looking for an equal relationship. You're looking for a healer, white knight, codependent or free therapist. If I ever have another relationship, it will be WAY different than those I've had. If it doesn't happen, I'll still be okay, I have family & lots of interests of my own.
@Katie_Kane well put!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My worst one is a constant belief people don’t like me and are out to get me. I’ve been shown this is false time and time again over the years but it is my default mode in my own head. No matter how hard I try I can’t change it but I’m still trying.
Keep trying! The Daily Practice is a tool I recommend bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
On "someone's going to save me," I had that for a long, long time. I wasn't protected from emotional, and sometimes physical, abuse as a child and should have been, just like all children should be. So I didn't learn how to protect myself very well. I yearned for people to have my back and protect me, and know I protected others because I knew how lousy it felt to not be stood up for. I could protect others, but most of the time sucked at protecting myself. I'm still awkward and clumsy with it most of the time in the moment, if I can do it, and at times still go into freeze mode.
Now I realise *I'm* the one who's ultimately going to save me, I'm the one who needs to be her very best friend. I know more about what I need and when I need it, than anyone else. It's the how part I'm working on. When I'm only somewhat dysregulated I can be my own best friend, say the things to myself I'd say to the people dearest to me if they were upset. That re-regulates.
If I'm medium level dysregulated, I might not be able to pull myself out enough to do it, and for sure not at a high level.
Still building those muscles, and self-awareness.
Working on that very same thing too, hope I can get there. Three steps forward, two steps back.
@Diane 3 steps forward 2 steps forward is still progress. I have to constantly remind myself of this because among all these points, I checked them ALL and would add the performance and perfection for the fuse...ugh
Progress is progress, period.
Ten minutes of yoga, daily, adds up.
Walking around the block, daily, adds up.
Consciousness expands.
Tools and awareness sharpen.
Healing occurs, even with two steps forward, one back.
Progress is progress, period.
@@petestevens3970 I like this. Great reminder that even a little bit, if that's all we can manage right now, is healing and accumulative. ❤️
@@dianep6335 We can get there :). Some days are better than others is all, depending on what inner resources are available to us at the time.
The "Everything is temporary" lie is not just you. I have this.
I still struggle to actually say the words, "I want". That level of direct communication was sinful in my childhood
@Kim_Sloane thanks for your comments & insight!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This the story of my life. It’s a vicious cycle. I always flee a situation and I feel like I’m super sensitive even if the situation was unfavorable in some way it’s that others can handle it but not me. I’ve fled and fled. I’m lonely and always have been lonely in my jobs and groups. I just don’t feel that I’m a part of anything. And feeling like everything is temporary I think is a defense so I won’t feel so trapped.
The next 'place' is always going to be better 😑
t_lilley glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"It starts with casual sex." Something else I needed to hear decades ago.
A lot of us did :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yep I had a sex addiction.
One of the things my mom and sisters would always say to me is “We” which meant them, excluding me. “We don’t talk to her. We don’t like her”.
I am sorry you were rejected in your own family. I hope you have found your own people to trust
It is especially hard when it's the people who are supposed to love and support you, but they don't. I feel your pain, too. A therapist once pointed out to me that they (my abusers) grew up in the same dysfunctional family that I did.
I hate it when people used 'we' or 'us' when they really mean 'I' or 'me' in the singular.
If your parent or a sister has narcissistic personality disorder they always have a scapegoat. That’s what it sounds like. I go thru a similar thing in my family.
I’m snot crying. Oh how I can see this healing but at the same time I can’t. All I can say is f**k f**k f**k.
Thanks for being here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is exactly me! I am 59 years old & still don’t belong, anywhere still.
Come meet us over at Crappy Childhood Fairy Land! bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
Me neither. I have a successful career but I’m pretty much a recluse otherwise.
OMG - I’ll have to come back to this important video later because it’s just making me feel sick right now 🤒
The beginning was triggering fir sure
It will be here waiting :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh damn, the first words went right through my heart. “You don’t belong here”. Every job, every friend, every relationship, even with my own family, I’ve never felt like I belong. Such a horrible reality, this video hit home 🥺
It's like the CPTSD anthem :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel this too, MJ 🤗😘
Same here.
Took a long time but finally realized I don't need to fit in. I do me, I belong to a couple groups but get along with very few individuals. If I go to just enjoy myself and set that up before I go, will have a good time. Also learned when I am confident others gravitate to me. Took me a lifetime, so listen to this woman and get a head start!!! She articulates all I learned in my effort to to heal and then took me a step farther to greater healing than I thought I could achieve. I am old and any healing at any age is worth the effort.
I tried to leave the ex. The ex husband was a lier. We were indentured servants.
@@kellyleighread807 Can take a long time with the people we attract before we heal. Both divorces took me 3 to 4 years to complete. Had friends who had years of battles to get kids freed from their exes nonsense. It did happen though and no matter how long it takes getting free is worth it. I pray you have support and help.
My parents were abusive but made me believe that they were good parents and I was mentally ill.
That is it in a nutshell!
Absolutely. Same happened to me. How could they be so cruel. But they were. I dont see the surviving parent anymore. Very bad people.
@ fightpollution that is what abusers do, glad you're here
-Cara@TeamFairy
My mom was and still is abusive. My brothers & her love to paint me as the “mental case”. I’m so nuts I’ve had a successful nursing career for 30 years & have 3 degrees. So sick of that BS
65 and this is me. Adopted as an infant
Rejected right from jump. Birth mother tried to self abort me. Adopted by emotionally distant parents. When little and cute it was fine, but as an awkward adolescent I was ugly and could never measure up. During an argument with my mom she told me I was trash like the people I came from. One time I took a horrible school photo and my dad was screaming at me, "That is NOT you, that is NOT you!" I have had abusive marriages, fiancee's, boyfriends, etc. All my life. I know I am a good person but attract toxic. To top it all off I worked in a men's prison as a single mom to raise my sons. I learned to get tough and dig in my heels to survive. Been in survival mode my whole life. Tired. Just plain tired. Interesting foot note is I traced my biological family back hundreds of years and I descended directly from Kings and Queens all across Europe, and the Holy Roman Emperor, Charlemagne. How ironic is that shit?
Omg I've been wondering about that "everything is temporary" narrative for a while now! I really put off making even really minor commitments and I always squirrel away a piece of me in relationships for when it's over so I can move on quickly.... been with my guy 10 years now, but I still have these thoughts of how it's probably temporary and I'm constantly struggling not to sabotage our relationship because of it.
Hyper-vigilance is a harsh master.
You're not alone here, and you've got your guy.
Good luck on your journey.
I'm married 15 years and I still can't believe he comes back home to me every night.
Thank you for sharing. I felt less alone when reading your comment. I had a minor disagreement with my man and found myself looking for an apartment because I was preparing myself for having to move out.
@@NYDaughter1972 omg... thats sad, but I am the SAME lol... 55 and have these thoughts DAILY. sad!
Our 30th anniversary today! And these thoughts still there...I keep thinking he must not realize what a mess he is married to.
"You are permanently damaged goods" I feel like I can overcome my issues within myself, but that does not mean I am welcome in society. Because of the way my life has gone I have no connections. No freinds, no job history, nothing. Everything I want to do they want a resume and references. What the hell am I supposed to DOOOO!?
It's never to late to work on the healing process! We belong here to throw away the lies and love ourselves into existence!
Yes! Self care works!
Well said, my friend. I will remember
Thank you, you have touched my heart
well shes done it again. she has the wonderful ability to speak truth to me. she still got the passion to just tell the basics which are so truthful and impacting. how is it that we all share many the same symptoms and experiences that she has? the insight, struggles, healing and teachings of this woman anna is truly her gift in operation toward us. god bless miss anna and her gift!
Thanks so much for the kind words for Anna :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
The only hero we can depend on is ourself. The hero is inside with the coward, the lover, the friend, the parent, the worker, the child the sibling. The best advice for a partner is to write all you want in a partner, then become that.
Took me 3 tries but got a great partner who gives me space and listens when I do talk. I too find rehashing what happened very depressing, I keep it simple and quickly move to what I am going to do about it.
Great strategy!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thanks again❣
20:00 waiting for someone to save me got me in a cult for 4 years. Good one to call out.
Yes, it's a killer.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Good one Anna !!! I would add to #8 that winning the Lottery or inheritance of large suns would rescue me too...You can fill in the blank ,, the " career", perfect house, right circle of friends, kids, pets etc... Thank you for bringing awareness 🤓
Good point!
-Cara@TeamFairy
One lie which stays with me, despite everything I did to heal is that I don't deserve to relax and do nothing, and that I don't deserve doing anything purely for pleasure, because it will ruin me somehow. That if I'm not doing something worthwhile for others all the time, I'm wasting my time.
I'm slowly, slowly getting over the guilt of doing things for myself.
I feel like the universe sent this to me…I beat myself up all day today feeling like I don’t fit in with the people on my road anymore and I’ve been here 4 years. Thank you for putting these videos out here for people like us!
People like us stick together! bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
One discovery I've made is that music can help heal the brain. I like classical music speeded up for dance.
Nice tip!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My dad passed, mom is alive. I am continuously disappointed that I cannot have a safe feeling relationship with her. I still have a want that someone will come along and scoop me up. I feel starved of physical affection. I can do the things, I just want support in my corner. Unhealed folks still need basic human connection.
Thank you for talking about this in an easy to understand manner. I stopped wishing for someone else to save me a long time ago. Now I just want people to not add to my traumatised brain/self. I used to have the feeling that I wasn't good enough. Now I recognise that negative self talk but I have trouble dealing with it emotionally. It's like my emotional self hasn't kept up with my intellectual self. That's what I still need to work on. Am so glad I found your channel.
I still have that whole “people are out to get me. People are out to bully me” bullcrap. But I do try my hardest to not think that way. I’m really working my ass off at healing. I used to think I was broken and couldn’t be fixed, but now that I’m working on myself, I know now that that’s just a bullcrap lie. Now, the whole “you don’t belong” thing. I still have that from time to time. But that’s because I have other things besides CPTSD. I’m on the autism spectrum, and I’m physically challenged. Not everyone knows that autism is a spectrum, and not a lot of people know about the physical challenge I have. And I don’t come out publicly and say my physical handicap, because I get asked so many ignorant questions about it. Well, I’ll just say this right now, I DO NOT fake stuff like that! I am working my booty off on healing though, I try my darn hardest each and every day to get free of crap like that, and I work to get free of my trauma, just so I can be a happy person every day. Because I love being happy and laughing.
Fwiw, you sound a lot more interesting than those people with their strange assumptions. (Some are in my town, too. 🙄)
Good luck on your journey.
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 thanks! I have absolutely 100% hope for my healing.
That temporaryness thought hits me pretty hard.
I often feel like I'm not allowed to own my life, I'm just renting it.
Small steps to get real ownership :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
Yes. "Fake it till you make it" is effectively a "rent to own" deal in this context.
This is the video I didn't know I needed. In my 20's a particular thought, "you are not from here!" (very similar to "you don't belong here") would often torment me when I arrived at certain places (dance lessons for example) and it would give me so much anxiety and I would believe it and even though I loved so many of the people at dance classes (teachers and fellow dancers) there always remained a part of me that made me feel like an outsider, no matter how much I was actually included. I'm so ashamed that feeling prevented me from fully showing everyone the true appreciation I had and made me an odd ball at times and not the team player I would've liked.
Thank you CCFairy, for your videos. I've thought about what my 'wound' is and maybe it's a bit different than what you often describe. My childhood was from the outside pretty okay, except there was a big move in my life, from Mexico at three years old to USA for four years and back to Mexico, never to go back to USA, a country I learned to love. The cultural difference as well as life pace change and so many other losses and changes nearly had me go into a spiral of sadness in childhood, which fortunately didn't happen but rather, I often had moments of great grief that were invalidated, tagged as 'inappropriate' or 'oversensitive'.
I share this for anyone that can relate. These times of mass migrations I can only imagine how many others have gone through and are going through similar experiences. The struggle is real, but it doesn't define you ! 🙂
These videos and the Daily Practice have literally saved my life.
Me too!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This video is hitting me in the hard truth. Yes, these sad beliefs are so oppressive and so hard to get over.
You can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Healing happens, with near daily ups and downs.
Awareness.
The daily practice.
Self care.
Journaling.
Yoga, meditation, whatever spiritual practice suits.
Figure out what works for you, and go with that - it will change - and then continue to shape “what works”.
Thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Nobody is coming to save me. Biggest wake up call for me. Finally beginning to grow up xxx
You can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you Anna - these videos are like gold dust to me. This one in particular really got to me, it seems to sum up every struggle I'm going through and every weight tied to me currently. I'm slowly understanding these lies but it's hard and upsetting. I'm so grateful you make these videos, they give hope and a way forward and permission almost to stop believing these terrible internalised thoughts. ❤️
Wonderful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
'You don't belong here' and 'everything is temporary' is typical of the Anglosphere where people are seen as disposable. I have taken jobs where the boss had decided he was going to get rid of me within six months from the day I started. There was nothing I could do to change that.
We learn to get rid of the fear, that's the job of healing :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Best words of advice;
"At least I got out of the car" poetry!
When it comes to making boundaries kiddos keep this in mind ok;
Boundaries="I" statements
If you keep asking about questions about someone other than yourself, the energy is misdirected and oftentimes, wasted.
Keep your goals and sights on You.
What happened as a kid that was wrong that you can do for yourself right now? I tell myself I believe in you, I Care, and I like blowing bubbles in milk and with gum.
Kinda stuff.
Boundaries="I" statements keep the focus on ONLY YOU, we probably haven't done enough of that, because we got used to taking care of everyone else so WE were noticed, appreciated, hell a good ole fashioned acknowledgement of effort would be a bone tossed our way somedays. But those are just days, just days in week in life in a world passing by. Let's not waste anymore time on the "them, they, he said she said",
Boundaries="I" statements
With all my💖🤟
Stay 💪🤔🤗😘
Thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I had an older brother that , from a as young as I can remember, would tell me I was ugly, that nobody liked me and I was never going to have any friends. Constantly. It was driven into me and I believed it. Always had a hard time feeling like I fit in. I always felt like I didn’t deserve to even think anyone would like me. I felt like it was some Shameful secret that I had to hide or they would find out there was something wrong with me and I was u likable
Most of my childhood trauma came from my brother. He must have been traumatized himself. I always thought I was the only one that felt this way, I guess it’s not something you share with others. Only now, thanks to your videos am I seeing how deeply I have been groomed to dislike myself.
I'm glad you're seeing it a new way, a bit removed from actually believing it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have a lot of these. The 'everything is temporary' was completely new and profound to me. Also the anger!! The idea that you have to get angry because that's going to protect you, rather than calmly establishing a boundary. It is embarrassing that I still struggle with that. But I do.
Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
I am 49 and I have ALWAYS done the "this is only temporary so..." I never get proper furniture, I don't have a garden, I don't get health insurance, etc.
So right on, Anna!!! I spent my life feeling like "this is not my real life, I'm just here temporarily until I get rich/famous/skinny/etc". At 50 now, I am enough and my life is enough and I am working to be present and be ok with what is. Still, it's a process.
Yes, the process doesn't end but it gets easier as the pay offs become more evident :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
To most ppl I had the "perfect" childhood but I never could do anything right. Raised on a farm, but I never felt the I belonged. I hated my chores. My siblings all had the "farm instinct." School was a nightmare cause I had/still do reading disability.
I know the feeling of just thinking I was in the wrong family :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Omg - the everything is “temporary” thing hit me like a load of bricks. I’ve felt that way my whole life and never heard anyone talk about it before and never knew anyone else related. Wow - that’s incredibly eye opening!!!
So glad it was helpful!
Cara@TeamFairy
Ugh I relate so much. That's painful but affirming too. I'm glad there's so many people healing and that I'm one of them.
I'm glad you are too :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am SO grateful that I have found your channel, for all this information you are giving ♥️🙏
This video upsets me somehow, because it messes with my belief system I suppose.
No 2 is the hardest for me NOT to believe.
A (kind of) therapist I admired, once said to me: " People like you and me are never going to have a good lasting relationship, we are to broken!"
I really feel like I am damaged and not worthy but imagine if it's just a feeling and not the truth 🙏
At CCF, we call that fear. Not a truth :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm watching this a year later. You don't think the pain is there but 35 years later I'm tearing up.
Thank you! Since I found your channel, I feel more and more hopeful ❤️ everything you describe is so resonant to me. I'm 23 and I have been dealing with severe emotional flashbacks since almost 3 years (while feeling everything you describe my whole life) and only recently I have started to take into account the option of having c ptsd. I live in Romania and no one takes ptsd seriously unless you came back from war :))). Evens so, my last 5 years felt like I was at war with the world constantly... Healing is a practice and I am doing daily work (sensitive yoga for trauma, meditation, Ayurvedic medication) and I keep having faith it will better, even if some days, it feels worse and worse.... Lots of love and kisses. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing with us, glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I wish I had been in a war at least I could hurt back that's my problem society thinks child abuse is a breeze like no it wasn't but whatever and soldiers at least had guns too shoot back it's different when your forced intoo situations you can't protect yourself from hell of a lot different. And no I'm not saying any ptsd is a holiday it isn't but again from war you had a choice that's a huge difference I didn't wage war on myself .
The temporary thing! I totally get that. To the extent I kant ever answer any type of question about what I want for my future, I just kant picture it at all
Keep at it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
A lot of abusive men, particularly in fundamentalist Christian circles, only want much younger women so they can 'teach' them everything they need to know in life. We go through life with many teachers from official ones in adult classes and training sessions, to books and to the internet. I don't want to be with anyone who finds me so wanting he thinks he should have to mould me into his ideal.
Me neither!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've never heard these before anywhere, except in my head. Thank you.
Thank you for being here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
When you started talking about the jacket, it finally made sense why I have so much trouble buying things for myself! It doesn't matter what it is, but especially clothing... stresses me out so much.
Me too. Shopping is not a fun or social thing for me (except thrift shops :). )
I'm a shopaholic! I go mad buying clothes, and then feel weird (not guilty though) later. And I do wear them. But I don't NEED any more clothes! I can't even fit the ones I already have in my house! lol
I kind of commit to all of them so I'll have a HEAP of choices when actually choosing what to wear. And all the clothes are cheap, so when I get bored with them...oh well!
OMG !!!!! Me too Suze and Anna!!! ❤️
Is there anyone that grew up without trauma. I think it was part of life-young or old. But I do see a lot of points of the lies. It did help to listen to this. Thank you!
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You nailed it. All of them. The 'someday I will fit in' place explains why I always choose my second choice. No matter if it's an entree, a jacket, a school, I see the one I actually want, but I go with my second choice, as if I am not good enough and not worthy of the one thing I really want. Ugh. I am working on it. It is uncomfortable but I am getting there. Thank you Anna.
You are welcome. Thanks for watching. Sending you encouragement as you continue working on this. You are definitely worthy of what you desire. - Ashley, Team Fairy
That has happened to me so many times, but I never thought the problem was the other people but something wrong with me.
That is so common, glad you're here
-Cara@TeamFairy
I dont feel like my non belonging is from the other people, it has always been from my childhood.
Oops it is also from inexperience in the settings and group dynamics, though this is still not other people's fault!!~*
The strategies Anna teaches really help pinpoint how that manifests in your life now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Resonate with this vid 100%. The loneliness and the self defensive behaviour ISN"T you and doesn't have to stick around forever! I'm living proof of it. I've always assumed people (with a few exceptional special people who understand) would just reject me, so as a defence I would always be the first to distance myself, to reject others first, but all I did was isolate myself and wonder why I can't connect with others as work or school. But lately I began questioning my beliefs and slowly, with some hiccups but surely my life started to change, it started opening up.
I stopped always putting my own emotions first and learn there are more important things than having my ego stroked/not triggered. I simply took an interest in people for no personal gain other than maybe to hear an interesting story. i knew logically i should "act interested" to further my financial/career goals but it was a cold way to live. Whenever I didn't have a clear objective to "Get" something from someone I didn't know how to act or talk to them so I'd create awkward moments, which further sent me down a spiral of icyness, selfish behaviour and thinskinedness. But no more retreating!
WHile I'm aware not everyone I try to create a connection with is going to work out, I simply don't have a steak in any outcome. I simply want to try things out with a bold face and a warm and open heart. After years of closing myself (which for a while was necessary) I'm ready to expand and give to the right people and spread positivity. Learning to meet my own needs first prepared me to be someone whose ready to give without hoping to be validated in return, though it is still nice ;). While I'll always prioritize self love/care, I'm not going to live the rest of my life licking my own wounds.
Nicely put!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It didn't help growing up with older women saying, "the right one will come along", "you'll do fine when you find your Personal Person", and my mom's favorite: "there's a lid for every pot". Sounded reassuring as a child, but now it seems like a cruel thing to say.
Because it doesn't work like that in real life.
@diane_p "lid for every pot" cracked me up!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I really love the advice. Anna your voice is comforting. Over 3 years now that I understood what my adult life was really effected by my childhood. And still isolate myself bc of the dysfunctional release of adrenaline.
Where I just thought this was my lot and I'd rather stay away from people than have to struggle in functioning around people.
Although you do give good ideas, I still find myself anxious, stomach ache, and it's taking a toll on me.
The matter is before I realized that my boundaries are distorted I let a guy into my heart and into my mind. And crumbs is what he gives me. In a program but tells me he loves me then ghost me. I'm looking forward to finally get over this guy so I can create new boundaries. I've let him cross all mine too many times to ever think he will give me full respect.
"Get your head out of the clouds and get an office job like I did" when I told my mother at 18 that I wan't to become an archeologist. So what did I do? I got an office job that went no where and never went to university like I had wanted to. Loved painting as a teenager but was never encouraged by my mother to spend time at it and never got any positive feed back, just criticism . "Why did you do it that way ? Why did you paint it that colour?"
Ok, I will keep going. It took me a long time to see the difference between people pleasing and the want to fill the needs of others out of love. Its a big difference and one can tell because if done to fill a need, one does not need a thank you or to be paid, the act itself is the reward. If for people pleasing will end up feeling taken advantage of or ignored and resentful.
I'd prefer me lying to myself over anyone else lying to me. Everyone is a liar, that's why I trust nobody, including myself (because I lie to myself all the time).
Everybody lies.
Honestly, thank you. Your advice is truly helping me so much.
I just really want to say thank you so much.
Thank you so much too!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Finding this channel is nothing less than a miracle.
Listening to this very helpful video, I wanted to comment that setting boundaries by clearly telling people that you will not take part in bullying, coercive, demeaning, disrespectful conversations is setting healthy boundaries. At one point in the video it might seem to the listener that this is the same as trying to deal with your triggers by controlling other people. I personally think this could be more clear as it is especially important to anyone trying to heal from abuse. Thank you for your excellent videos and insights.
Thanks for the feedback!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Absolutely. Very good point. My family is angry at me that one of my boundaries is that I will not keep allowing my mother to abuse me. They want me to give in & not rock the boat & I refuse to. Since she’s old I should accept it. Not happening.
The imposter syndrome haunted me for a long time. Now I am confident that I'm a wonderful part of teams. :) Just keep repeating that to yourself and do your best. Healing happens.
Thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Having the right boundaries is kind of confusing. Better to air on rough boundaries then to have no boundaries at all.
Now I’m sobbing….#7….I’ve been that way since childhood. I’ve had days that are good but I feel like if I let go of my anger, people will walk all over me.
Very common fear :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Spot on again, I will say to everybody here in the comments that when you venture out into the world especially dating there are MANY messed up people out there who haven't healed and don't want or don't see it, at least we know and can do something about it. I've seen many people who are emotionally unavailable to me then jump into a relationship with the wrong person it's like a car crash but not my problem. I really though I was messed up until I saw this and thought wow lol.
Hello Anna,
One of my most potent lie was to think that I was a poor little wounded animal often attacked by evil people and that only the savior kind would be worth spending time with for me. I recently had the chance to look at my situation differently. I actually set myself for this kind of trouble with mean people and looked for psychological games wirh persecutors and saviors by acknowledging to whomever wanted to hear that I lacked strength and even intelligence (!) to manage any kind of difficult situations. This was a lie I had been telling myself for my whole entire life. Thank you so much for the knowledge you share dear fairy.
I can relate to all these. Especially the feeling of being an outsider (I still feel that way now in my mid-fifties), and the feeling I shouldn't be picky and just take whatever I can get. Most of my relationships have been affected by this, especially my marriage. I let her rush me onto a wedding, and then I believed her when she told me I was ruining her life by being too agreeable and passive. I blamed myself when she left me.
It's not too late to get to the work :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
#4 ... i was picky, but years of fam n friends telling me not to be, encouraged me to make bad decisions. I am still picky, but their voices still ring in my head ...
No matter what happens I will know what to do.
Yes, the someone will come to save me. I know this feeling.
might be your best ever! it's like your reading my mind on ALL of these lies! I am literally thanking God I've been lead to your chanel. sharing it with my kids, my teen daughter is having a lot of this from what she experienced growing up with her father before I got us out 2 years ago. bless you.
Glad for you- keep moving forward!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've felt rejected all my life
Come see us at Crappy Childhood Fairy land, lots of rejects uniting there :) bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
Someone betrayed my trust and I started thinking none of my colleagues liked me anymore because I felt I was suddenly being treated differently. It turned out not to be true and was told that there was love around for me but my trauma consistently stops me from believing it. As a result
I keep avoiding people. I don’t know how to get out of it.
This is so common, and there is a lot of help in Crappy Childhood Fairy Land :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
It is so interesting with perspective how high-school age is so impactful! Same, looking back I perceived the majority of the people I went to high school with as very immature! I attended a small school in the midwest. As time went on I forgot about a lot of the details. At a recent reunion I attended (happened to have multiple events that week) I was struck how the bulk of the reunion was spent listening to a few people reminiscing and reliving in detail a trip to Vegas filled with blackout drunk naked stories.... still seem immature! It will be a long long time before I travel for another one!
I moved away on leaving school to get away from having to encounter people I went to school. It's the only way for many of us to reinvent ourselves.
Ha ha we find out we didn't miss so much after all :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have problems committing to jobs and making decisions.. I won't even commit to an invitation.
You are not alone!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think this is why I am sure I will never have another relatiinship. First of all, I am 60. Second of all, if I dare to be picky on top of that, I can just forget it!
You can dare to be picky!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have another one that I “try” not to do. Stop comparing your life to the lives of others. It’s a difficult thing to do but all I can do is try. Anna x
Everything you are saying is resonating with me in my own life
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh my 5 out of 5...it hurts but is needed to see how we can have a happier stable life
Exactly!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are optimistic. (Healing is a lot of work.)
So worth it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m so grateful for this channel, and warmth and support you convey.
At the very least, I’m learning to acknowledge things about myself, my history and behaviours, including my child raising, that I haven’t cared to examine before.
I'm so glad you're feeling brave enough to do that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love the way she talks about these things with so much empathy and compassion. So many professionals and personalities who talk about trauma but who didn't fully live it (I heard a podcast by a woman who had an ACES score of 1 giving mental health advice) will provide some really good and useful information, but they couch it in this kind of nagging, "you silly goose, stop doing x, y, z!" kind of tone, and to me it's insulting and infantilizing, so it's hard for me to listen to even when I really want to. This channel is honest about our own responsibilities and accountability, but I do not feel belittled at all. This means a lot.
Yes! Everything is temporary and the lie that I don't belong.
Exactly!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Peaceful confidence is what I crave Ana. Thanx for this. I am feeling more hopeful now. Lots of love.
So glad to hear this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I can’t believe how you describe my life and my feeling so accurately 😮😮😮 You’re far better than a psychologist, thank you Anna for helping me to understand myself and heal, you are an awesome woman ❤
You remind me of a childrens show. You comfort me.
I just recently told a friend that I don't belong anywhere, never have. This makes me feel better. I'll definitely pray about this and start becoming more aware of it. Thank you ♡
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you ♡♡
What is really sad is just from my experience, the people that caused my feelings were not done right themselves by their parents. My parents were split by the time I was 6 months old. My mother was like "JOAN CRAWFORD" at the time, she has changed a lot since then, and I hardly ever saw my dad. Nothing I ever did was good enough or I could do better, but then when I did do better, my mother would somewhat "Sabotage it" ETC ETC... long story. Thank you for your videos!
Appreciate you telling that story :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Too many things have been temporary and I’m so tired of that.
As a minority working in all white environments it's been painful to say the least as, these ppl co signed by their actions my feelings of not belonging, they assured me i dont fit in their culture? I've been passed over for promotions, been gaslighted, been lied on, and set up . Yet with all those road blocks, I actually got stronger and became to realize that the world has alot of broken ppl.😢 My relationship with Jesus definitely helps heal the pain of self depreciation. It became clear to me that anything or person outside self will never fill the void. I'm 60 years old beaten but not broken. I feel freer and I hv more love and joy for self and my heart has the capacity to love and accept others more genuinely. God bless 🙏🏾
Thank you for sharing. Glad you're here.
Nika@TeamFairy
Oh my God! The 7th lie!! I remember discovering this and explaining it to my friend!! IN THOSE EXACT WORDS!
Right on!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wonderful video! Thanks and God bless you! I just want to say that when we are these people before healing we do gravitate towards people who reject us and are mean. I used to try to fit in with mean girls and now older, more healed and much wiser I would not give those people the time of day.
Never think it's too late.
This was such an accurate account! Yes, our wounds can be healed, it’s never too late and life is a beautiful gift, unraveling more beautifully as we heal. ❤️
Well said :)
-Cara@TeamFairy