When Your Breakup Makes NO Sense
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- Опубліковано 21 лип 2024
- As we all know, there's a reason for every break up. However, sometimes that reason may not be as clear as you'd like it to be. They use phrases like "I need some space," or "I just need to work on myself," or give excuses on topics that never used to be an issue in the past.
"I need to work on myself"
"I just need some space"
"I'm just not feeling it"
All 3 of these types of breakups can be more tormenting because those reasons aren't tangible reasons anyone can argue or counter BUT they sound like actual reasons when you hear them.
At times you can end up trying to be patient or understanding but end up helping the other person ease out of a relationship while providing them with the emotional comfort and strength that enables them to continue without any commitment to you.
Other times you might end up thanking them for being honest when in reality they've been anything but honest.
For coaching sessions dealing with these types and other painful breakups:
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"they don't have dates they have victims" that's so true
Spent 5 months with someone with BPD and Coach Ken is dead on. If they can go back and forth between being the most loving person and being a person who can treat you with disdain and disgust, the only way to fix that is to GET AWAY because that person is not capable of giving or receiving love.
I was in the exact same thing with a girl for 5 months. I finally walked away. It was so toxic and I lost myself in the process. But I’m regaining what I lost and I feel a lot better
Damn. Hits deep when he rattles off all the phrases they used on you.. and you just believed them in the moment
It's chilling when he starts spitting word for word what came out their mouth🤦♂️
YES 😂 exactly! he said my narcissistic ex exact words ! and i am like wtf? do u know her ?
The thing to keep in mind is if they hold grudges. If they hold grudges, they're not good for you. People who hold grudges only get humbled by distance. And being replaced.
I remember an ex once told me to find someone else. When I did she hated me. Funny how this works.
True
I apologized to my ex because I mistreated him. It wasn't intentional. If he won't accept my apology even if I give him space...I can't be with a grudge holder. Nooo...
Ugh!!! I am SO guilty of being the supportive reassuring “chaser”!! 🤦♀️
We all live and learn. I was too.
Me too and to a girl who I loved so deeply, she literally broke off with me with excuses and reasons that she never even bothered to communicate it with me during the relationship. I never saw it coming, we had a chemistry we didn't have any fights, but like coach ken said it turns out to be a phony 14:50
Just dealt with this. Was with someone 3 months and super intense, love bombing, she trying to push it real fast. Definitely had some red flags with parents and past relationships so tried to remain a little detached until more time passed. Def had some narc/bpd type vibes. I have dated them prior so radar up. Anyway, she went to a fair with her cousin and she usually texts me multiple times a day and before bed. Didn't hear from her but I'm not needy and didn't really care. She calls me next morning and tells me she was out drinking all night, super drunk, blacked out, phone died lol Again, didn't say anything. She then texts me asking If I was mad she didn't text me. I said not mad at all, just let me know if you can what you are doing so not worried etc. No big deal. Anyway, she would not let it go and spiraled into some multi week fight, silent treatment, needs space etc. Would not resolve it. Anyway, just going to cut my losses. Definitely some power play trying to make me beg to get back. I tried to talk it out but to no avail. Really didn't care that much, but she asked so figured just be honest since she wants to be serious. Told her to kick rocks, not dealing with this
Coach Ken! I only discovered you a few days ago after Coach Lee pointed to your channel. Your video on Extreme Pain was so healing and helpful. I am almost 6 months of no contact with my ex and have been baffled by the daily obsessive thoughts and confusion on this relationship. I’ve been divorced twice and I am 58 years old so I’ve seen some stuff and consider myself to have gained valuable experience…. And yet… this most recent relationship has had me bound up and tormented for six months… Your explanation starting at the 11 minute mark in this video literally lifted the blinders from my eyes and for the first time in six months I feel connected with the truth… I can’t tell you how life-altering this feels. You are a blessing and a warrior for truth. Keep doing what you’re doing my brother, this is God‘s work.
Deeply meaningful to me to read words like what you just shared with me. I know that feeling of being overwhelmed and carrying the weight of what feels like constant anguish - it makes an impact when someone like you lets me know they can get the same feeling of understanding of their own intensity that I felt. It literally changed how I process that kind of pain from that moment on. Thanks very much for taking the time to share such kind words.
@@CoachKen Oh my, brother. When several videos back you got into the " how's and why's" of the overwhelming role Borderlines play in the extremes of the intoxicating portion of the relationship did it click for me. Powerful and meaningful information that made a big difference. Thx
My ex pulled the second stunt after a literal year of very serious dating (combined with some of the words from the first like, “I can no longer grow in this relationship” and, “I just need to work on myself.”) Just a month prior we had been fantasizing about a future, even kids (she told me she thought I would be a great dad, and that I was the first guy who had even made her consider having kids).
Then it was all, “You deserve someone who loves you the way you love me, I’ve always had one foot out the door,” and, “There is just some part of me I can’t make love you.”
Totally crazy making. Initially I made the power play, “well, I agree we should break up if this is how you’re feeling because I want someone who makes me feel respected and valued.” After just a week she started chasing, even asked me on a date and hooked up with me again. Then suddenly cut that off just a week later, stating, “she remembered there were reasons why she wanted to break up.”
But as far as I know, she literally left me to be alone. Just because, “she thinks there might be something better out there for her.”
Same here. My ex dumped me and I made all of the mistakes and chased and 2 months of no contact they eventually came back. I initially got dumped for literally no reason like it seemed like they were just looking for an excuse to dump me and I was just left wondering hurting for two months.
We literally were perfect and had so many things in common. We also planned a future telling each other we want to start a family and that there’s just nobody in the world that can replace them. We swore to be together forever no matter what issues rises up and we will sit down and talk about it.
So after the two months they came back and they made the same promises and I took them back in. They claimed they will keep them this time and missed me so much… but about a month and a half later they dump me again. They said that I haven’t changed but in reality they didn’t change. They dumped me for something so small it’s ridiculous. It really seemed like they were trying to do anything they can to dump me and devalue me. I was crazy caring and committed. They went from really hot to super cold. They promised that would never happen again and here we are… I’m sure they did a lot of gas lighting to their family to make me look like the bad guy.
Now I’m just sitting here with no closure once again wondering if they’ll ever return again. I feel like a fool but even though all of those promises were broken again I want to forgive. But my friend told me “never give someone a loaded gun if they’ve already shot you in the back once” (twice for me lol) it’s sad that this person made me dream of a perfect future once and took it all from me and they came back and did it again… idk what’s wrong with people these days but it’s sad that nobody can be trusted. I hope they come to their senses.
I know I’m all over the place but I’m just rambling out of confusion lol. They literally acted like I was the worst person ever but we had like no arguments ever and during the days I’ve been dumped apparently there “tons of issues” but I’ve never said a bad word or called anyone a name nothing but respect and love and at the end I feel like I’ve been completely devalued as a human :(
@@HelloThere156 sounds like BPD
@@HelloThere156 I am so sorry you are hurting total Narc!
"Well I said I'm sorry, but you went so far away. Don't know why you left me this way..."
@@HelloThere156 how r u now? i went thru the exact same thing...
This video is the truest, most prolific heart felt video Coach K has done on his channel IMO. I know because I've binged on these videos for comfort for months. This was THE one I needed and I'm not completely understanding on just why but it was. Thx , K.
Bro thank u for this video. This is exactly what I’m going through. We were in love for 6 months. We had 3 years of deep friendship before. I had some drastic health issues that prevented me from seeing her for about a month. I felt her pull away. Slowly stop responding as quick. Not saying I love you etc. i asked her to hangout. I asked what was going on. And she gave me the exact speech of “I need time to work on myself” initially I was scared of loosing her. I was not really begging. But looking for her to justify why. I was telling her ok I’m not sure why you’re doing this. You can work on yourself with me. I made the mistakes of asking if she ever loved me and asking her why she was doing this. I told her why I loved her and how much I do. She was crying. I think she felt guilty for hurting me. She knew it was eating me up. I hugged her for a few minutes. And told her I hope she feels better and that I accept her decision and understand her desire for space. After the break up I went no contact. Never begged or did anything since. A few weeks in I discovered she was hanging out with another boy. Made me upset. I didn’t reach out. Didn’t do anything. But this video really helps me see why what happened. I got blocked everywhere about 1 month into no contact. But she unblocks me all the time and stalks my business page from another account. It’s been 40 days. She reached out once asking if I was ok. I said I’m alright. Hope u r too. I’m left in this endless state of confusion. I get mad one minute, sad the next, want to wait want to move on. Feel disrespected. Feel played. I’m working on myself and trying to grow. But I miss her. And I just question everything with her now. Idk if I will take her back. But I want the opportunity to meet up and just see how I feel towards her.
Thank you coach ken.
Best solution is to make them leave you when you know they’re not good for you. It’s better than telling them they are dysfunctional. They’ll leave anyway so it’s the best choice around to protect yourself, friendzone yourself and give them the peace of them being in control. You protect yourself from them and they do what they are good at with self esteem. Eventually they’ll project on you the blame anyway.
The hurt is contained. When there’s no win win, a draw is fine…
"I like you, I feel attraction, I have feelings for you but I don't see us succeding long term". Drove me insane. What did I do? I was the best girlfriend.
Maybe you gave too much. Most men like a bit of a challenge. Uncertainty. It's the hunter in them. I bet if you go NC, he'll probably come back. Also don't give him wife privileges when your not his wife.
"Why are you here?" The last words my ex told me. And that was it for me. That wake me up!
Gosh mine said the same!
In my relationship, my bf thought it was me that was going hot & cold. But looking at it from my perspective of it was him that was going hot & cold. And we both see ourselves as being right. I do love him very much and believe he loves me too. From my perspective, I honestly don’t care who is right or wrong, because I’m not trying to place blame. I just want to correct this pattern and turn it from stagnant to growing together. ❤️
Same. My ex said I could not accept too near or too far but in fact it was them doing that push and pull.
Had same bs phrases used on me.. I knew it and felt it was coming.
This has been so healing for me to hear. Thank you so much.
Wow, this explains so much. Great video!
One of my favorite videos. I had to utilize something from here in a conversation my wife started about 15 minutes ago. We're still in the middle place as nothing still has been defined.
I'm so happy there's people like ken that have studied this and able to pass the information to people like me or US
Thanks coach. The BPD material is helping me a lot
Oh my goodness… 😢 he was from my grad class and we didn’t see each for other 30 years; It was our “destiny” living parallel lives. Then after almost 4 months while I was overseas he went silent, then “I can’t do this anymore. I’ve lost the spark” the day I returned home. ❤️🩹
Wow Coach Ken after watching this video you have a new fan! Such great info.
1 month ago she told me we couldnt be together because i went home on her birthday because she was nagging at me and kept wanting to fight evne tho i just wanted to have a good time. Been at a psychologist and she helped me realize, her nagging, jealousy, blocking the door when i tried to go for a walk to leave a rage outburst of hers, blaming, lack of friends, clingyness and sudden rage outbursts... she had Borderline... i never even knew about such mental illnesses... thank you for including it to prevent other to get hurt and raise awareness... because i swear to god.... it hurts.... the next day she left my items in front of my apartment, blocked me everywhere and i never ever heard from her again. All i was told was that i was mean for leaving her on her birthday... which was 3-4 months before she left - do not mistake me, from what i have read someone with borderline can live a normal life if they seek therapy and should be able to be a very loving partner... im just scared from my experience and being left in a very very dark hole for over 1 month of grief and not understanding what happened
I’ve also come across to your channel, on Coach Lee’s recommendation. I find your videos extremely helpful, and I find myself going back to watch them all. Well this one really stood out. I’ve actually saved it. From about 12:00 onwards, was a real eye opener. You’ve helped take my blinkers off, and see what my ex really did to me. As difficult as that is, I’m grateful for the truth. I just wish I could go back to the breakup, and handle it differently. At least I’m more aware for next time, if there is a next time.
Hey Coach Ken,
My partner broke up with me a little over 2 months ago. There was no begging or pleading on my behalf. After a week I sent a text, asking for some kind of explanation. This is what I got back…
“Hi there, I need you to stop what you are doing and take a few deep breaths.
What happened is not the right question to ask.
Our energies do not align.
Not your fault and not mine either. We had a whale of a time but in the long run all we have is different opinions, different worlds and different focuses.
I truely hope you find the right one one day. I wish you all the love in this world and then some. You deserve it. All of the beautiful feelings and to be deeply loved back. But with the right person.
I was never her.”
Am I right in assuming she falls into the second category in your video?
I’ve been in NC since. No radio silence, and we haven’t blocked each other. She was liking some of my IG posts to start with, but not recently.
I really enjoy your channel. There’s no BS, and your matter-of-fact delivery style is refreshingly honest.👍
…forget to add, we were in a relationship for 8 months.
One of the things my ex said during the breakup was she wished she felt the same about me as I did for her
Update ?
@@AlexMakesVideos Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together????
@@AlexMakesVideos whatzzp him now
Exactly the same thing
Thank you for giving words to my pain. It all feels tainted bc of how he broke up with me. I was bitten by a snake. It hurts deeply. He listed things he didn't like about me...one being my body...7 months together -Honestly, more painful than every other break up. Feels cold blooded and disturbing. 💔I notice I feel scared now to open up to Men. I feel like I don't trust myself to choose a good man. Although that is a desire of my heart.
Words of GOLD!
Thanks VS!
Oh how I wish I could have had the presence of mind to say that but I hadn’t found your channel yet.
This is exactly what happened with me and my ex, the first few min of the video was exactly what she told me, and I already had feelings she was talking/seeing someone behind my back. Once she felt comfortable enough with the new guy, she broke up with me. I did beg and plead at first because she said the exact same words you did, about needing space and taking a break. Then it all started making sense about her talking/seeing someone behind my back. I called her out on it, and of course she denied it, and then blocked me everywhere. I went into no contact about two weeks ago, and she has been at the other guys house. I decided to give her what she was wanting, and went no contact, was that the right thing to do?
Coach ken everything you have mentioned pretty much hit the nail on the head. Thank you I just needed a direction its over for my ex and he doesnt deserve me. Thank you
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together????
whatzzp him now
Very helpful! Thank you Ken
Thank you Terése!
I have been trying to get back my ex for 4 months- she is the love of my life. l met her in church Sun we held hands & kissed. Two days later l get knock on my door - 3 police officers served me with an order of protection.
I was devastated- we went to court told judge we were together and l loved her & still do but l will do whatever she wants.
Outside courtroom l told her l gave you with u want- l’m sorry we couldn’t work it out and l wanted to spend my life with you. She couldn’t even looked me in the eye.
Yet lm still hoping she comes back to me- hard to do cause there is a restraining order against me unless she drops it. Devastated it was one of the worst day of my life yet l still love her & would take her back.
This blew my mind.
Keep up the videos!! Such good advice
Coach ken that exactly it is. My ex just up and leaves without a word. Then i find he is cheating with his ex girlfriend. Not only did he continues to stay away with her. My ex lies, and then says I am not like his late wife that does not say anything when he cheats. My ex has done this twice and although i do love him. He bloked me from everything regarding him excepted the mail. So i sent him a letter telling him i am not enough and he needs to fine someone else.
Thank you for all your truth Ken. Because I rather deal with truth but enough is enough right.
So true with BPD hating you more than you could ever imagine. To the point, if you have children with them, they will even hurt you using them because they know how much your own children mean to you.
I’m still overcoming everything, but I never realized how abused and damaged I was until now. I thought when we dated and broke up that it was just normal relationship shit. When she initiated the divorce of our marriage after I had suffered for years trying to get her “ back “ to being an active participant in our marriage, and was willing to damage our children with this..that’s when I looked into BPD finally and learned what is and was always going on.
But, I am free now and I can finally have a chance to experience what an actual relationship is. I thought you just came home every night and your wife barely spoke to you and held deep resentment? Someone you don’t even want to share details of your day with because you will be let down with how much they don’t care. Apparently I’m wrong. And I’m so thankful that I am.
He was the “love” of my life. Then told me “all we really are are the parents of our kids who are best friends” ouch. And then lied as well. He blocked me because after six weeks of him being “nice” I exploded and told him he wasn’t a man and he played himself as I continued to feel ultimate betrayal when I found out he went back to his ex who he blamed for the break up. I went too far with my words in anger, I wanted him to hurt like I did. I later apologized but I’m still blocked and never got an apology from him. I’m not sure he even feels any remorse for using me as a rebound- maybe I wasn’t but I never got a conversation, just a text ending it so it feels that way.
@Coach Ken, what happens when two BPD people meet/fall in love/break up?
Very good info people read the book called stop simping by shawn cant remember gis last name its great you wont stay around any women who are toxic its helped me greatly.
I wish I heard this months ago.
hey coach ken. i failed to mention recently that in hanging with my stepson recently he said that shes been doing better when i asked about her. i said so at one point she wasnt doing good? she said yea. i asked if our bedroom was changed around he said me and my wifes bedroom is exactly the same. all the pictures still remain. the wedding album on the wall still there. the family photo of us 3 from our recent boston vacation still on the mirror of the vanity desk in her walkin closet. the pictures under the nightstand glass on top of nightstands on each side of bed still remain. if someone is done and wants to move on id imagine removing all these things would be priority one no? maybe she hasnt gotten around to it i could agree but its now been over a month since i left. i would think that seeing me all over the bedroom would the place one spends the most time that it would be a constant reminder. thoughts coach ken?
My now ex told me whilst we met up to clarify txt msgs of the break up? (his idea) That he had more in common with his ex. I found this thee most hurtful thing he ever said. Because during our relationship he made it known that his ex was crazy, a drinker who on separate occasions threw him out, damaged his car, ripped his necklace off, caused injury to his face during a fight, and he couldn’t live with.. i did none of this! we only ever had good times together no fighting just doing stuff together, until he became inconsistent and unhappy with me/bored. Our chemistry and attraction was intense at times. Such a confusing guy. I am NC after he ended it by saying he could not give me what i deserved in a relationship and that he worked to much. Said i deserved better. I think he must be BPD as hot and cold and cold/distant after great times/weekends away.
With the first response of course I could not tell maybe they are trying someone on the side but I’m already in no contact how do I go about letting them know that they could potentially lose me
What about narcissists? Seems to me when it’s a man, they are narcissistic and power and control is their game. If it’s a woman, she’s narcissistic and abandonment is her game. Either one behaves the same by putting you through a roller coaster of hell.
Yes - that pattern is more consistent
Notice he was talking the other day with his friend and any credit that he will have to try another way of talking to me and he find his self also crawling back in the bed with me sleeping on the foot of my foot sleeping and knowing that he had it we have a pull out couch that he used to sleep on he gives me the hot and cold constantly and he trying to throw threats and anger at times to try to get me out of the apartment that we both live together he feels that he got the apartment first that we used to live in and we move into a bed one bedroom that falls on the both of us so he feels that he needs me to go with no extra
You and Coach Lee are absolutely awesome! Question please. What about the person that gives a reason that's a combination between 1 and 2. I need space. I can't be the man you need. You deserve better. I tried and just can't be that guy. This is after almost 5 years, engagement etc. went from limerence and what I thought was stability building a life together to being lazy, low effort, giving bare minimum , emotionally unavailable, selfish, immature, . very dismissive avoidant type
That one can be more painful because you know how great it can be and they've proven they are capable of giving more so it seems so possible for them to do so again - but if he's pulled back that far you still need to give him a strong dose of the reality that you don't NEED him - even if you WANT him. Pull back and let him get a stronger sense that you're willing and able to move on. Some people can be very comfortable leaving you at a distance that isn't totally cutoff but isn't as close as it used to be. They use you for an emotional safety net, knowing you're still available but they keep you close enough to not get over them while being too far to actually regain what was lost.
@Coach Ken thank you so much!!! 🙏. This is confirmation I'm doing the right thing going NC and shifting my focus to reinvest in me.
Can I schedule to see you ?
You can't go from very interested to not interested especially in short periods, healthy people know they're attracted to someone exactly. This part 13:00 is exactly the person I have loved deeply but she never appreciated it. Humble them by going in no contact and being the best version of yourself without their unwanted presence.
thanks bro.
What about " I don't know who I am anymore? I woke up and realized I don't need a partner but I care for you on the deepest level and I will give you anything you want just let me know" after 7 years and just buying a house and raising 3 kids together. Also think he is undiagnosed Bipolar.
What about if they after 5 months of great connection they say we don't have good connections
There is something missing?
It's most likely an excuse to cover for true reasons that would make them look less noble and less honest. In any event, it makes no sense. He either lied for 5 months vainly trying to "feel something more passionate" while lying to you and hiding his feelings OR he's lying now. I would fight the natural impulse to thank him. for "being honest" and tell him it was conceited of him to mislead you while he tried to manufacture a connection he never had. After all, what made him believe you needed to be with him so badly that you wouldn't have prefered to date someone who started the relationship with an authentic "connection". Don't waste your time with these "noble" heroes who tell you how much "you deserve better". No one has ever really broke up with someone because they felt like the other person "could do better". It just sounds deep and selfless and leaves you with nothing you can adjust or correct so they have the excuse they need to do whatever it is they actually have in mind.
Yup he said somethings missing and our chemistry and attraction was gone. Huh? But mine is a narcissist so prob different animal altogether
7 y + with a diagnosed tpl gf and she dumped me suddenly. I should have seen this video at first.
Me too, it's crazy it's like this guy is describing exactly what happened
She is now recycling me ..
@@GuiDesism well, just remember you're a human being, you have your own innate values and something positive to contribute; if the situation you're in is sucking the life out of you, you don't have to go through with it for another round. You don't have to.
@@GuiDesism Think about how many dudes she fucked in that span of time not giving a fuck about you.
17:00
Man after our call yesterday and you identifying my ex as a possible bpd do you think that would be the case? Wondering because she never showed me an ugly side and I did the walking away
18:30 Borderline.
hey coach ken. hope all is well. i sent you a few emails recently not sure if its the correct the email. In our last coaching session you mentioned you had a very good feeling about her coming back to me. In our discussion i said that since i had left the house august the 17th where we agreed to space/ seperation i have gone no contact and continue to. Since i left she has been the one reaching out. The very first night i left she called. A week later she called and texted and her reason for reaching out the dogs. That they been getting out.. i remove the dogs from the equation. About a week and a half later around time of our discussion she calls her son to stop by my place asking if he heard from me and how im doing? To stop by my place to drop off a few things and asked for info to file taxes for me (basically doing me a favor after i ignored her). i took the dogs from the house without asking she contacted me asking if i did. i replied yes i did and she responded immediately with you couldve let me know and where you go with them? i never responded back and its been nearly 3 weeks. yet after ignoring her she sends her son over as i mentioned. Ive seen most breakups where the dumper doesnt get back to the dumpee for 3-6 months sometimes never. yet she dumps me and keeps finding ways to get in the picture/ or touch base somehow seems once every week and a hf. Do you consider this a fake breakup? as ive read that if they contact you a week or 2 after splitting up with you that is the case. The day before our last coaching call i took her son out to lunch and the boat without asking and dropped him off home. She couldve hit me up like the dogs and say you couldve let me know you were taking my son, or i appreciate you spending the day with my son but do me a favor stay away from him.. she did neither she seen the photos on instagram as he posted on his feed with me ( i dont have social media) and said to him the following morning where you go yesterday he responded out to lunch with him and the boat for which she replied alright. a few days later i told the son what he thought of me cutting ties with him for a while as well. no talk no see and nothing against him but for me to fully let go he replied not a bad idea. i said take care he said the same. so i removed the dogs and now her son as she cant use him to touch base with me either via phone or stopping by. i told him jus tell her you havent heard from him and if she asks for you to do anythjng jus say you not getting involved. a few days ago i was walking back to my apartment from the gym and saw her driving by me. even though her windows were tinted and rolled up she was driving slow enough that i was able to read her plate as car in front of her was holding her back. i had my shirt off backpack in one hand and im looking better than ever i know she seen me as i was walking in middle of side road adjacent to the main road she was traveling. she did nothing no honk, no window down nothing. what do you read from this ken? It had been a month since she physically seen me since i left. Nearly 3 weeks no contact as she has been initiating each time. if she finds a way to reach out again soon do i answer? for example my birthday is coming up the 8th of october chance for her to hit me up with simple happy birthday. do i reply? her actions since i left the house what do you gather from them? as i mentioned do you feel that its a fake or real breakup from her side? look forward to hearing from you.
-Dana