I went through a lot of counseling to heal me from being overly agreeable. Here's what I learned: I couldn't stand up for myself, I couldn't say no, I couldn't tell people when what they do bothers me, because I'm conflict avoidant. I'm conflict avoidant because I believe I will lose in any conflict because I don't believe in myself and I believe a lie that any time I stand up for myself it will blow up in my face or that people won't like me, or that the best way to please people is to do everything they say. I learned to try to say no and not fold right away, and learned to negotiate, to push back a little and obtain an outcome that works better for me. The more I did this, the more confident I became and the more people respected me and my time/space/wants.
Matthew Schellenberg you still fold though?? So someone pushes your buttons, in whatever way, you just delay being trampled on? I don't get what you meant when you said "I learned to try to say no and not fold right away.." *Not fold right away*
What I learned is: if you don't want to do something, then say no. What used to happen to me is I would try hard to be a "team player" but the fact is when you spread yourself too thin you are bound to make more mistakes and when the s--t hits the fan nobody gives a rat's ass that you are a team player you just get thrown under the bus. The other thing is don't be afraid to tout your accomplishments. I was raised with a sense of humility, that hard work is its own reward. BULL SHIT. If you do something well, make sure everybody knows about it. Of course, you have to be subtle so as to not arouse envy or resentment, but it is important that everyone knows how valuable you are or else you'll get treated like s--t.
I finally implemented this in my Bus Divirsity class. I challenged the professor right at the beginning and it set a tone for the rest of the class and year. Four people stood up with me when I said it was getting pathological. And the rest of the year sailed right and had boundaries.
Athelstane of Coningsburgh I also avoid his political stuff because I'm generally bot interested in politics but his psychological lectures are great imo.
Wow this guy said my main life problem, the part about going back home after that type of parties has been with me for too long, it made me hate how a lot of people around me treat me which comes out often as hating them, right now i started seeing a psychologist, and am trying to figure the problems i have so i can work on them, anyone reading this who has been through similar feeling i want to ask how to get rid of such issues? I mean how to train yourself to get better
Best of luck bud. I find positive a attitude has helped me a lot. When lacking being positive I seek something of JP to watch & listen to; I happened to watch this one after speaking to my mom about how JP helped me and I feel it could help my brother and others. I know I am not perfect, I don't claim to be, but I do find caring for myself has brought me to see the value in myself and I can therefore contribute that value to others in my life that may need it. I wish you the best of luck on your journey brother, in the most sincere way. You shall see the value you can claim for yourself and contribute to others. Best of luck whichever path you choose to go down.
I don't think I've fully taken this in yet, or done the changes I need soley from listening to this of course but.. Well I think this has helped me, at least a little. I'm gonna make some changes and be more assertive
That's so fucking sad, I can't believe some people don't have the balls to be themselves, as well as the wisdom to know that no matter what stance you take, someone somewhere will *always* dislike you.
I have the problem Jordan describes. For me its due to my childhood having an emmotional abusive father. I learned to stay quiet and eat up my anger. I wouldnt recommend it to anyone, it destroys your self esteem.
i cannot say no to my frens..... they always ask for help i have always help them but when iam in need they all refused. knowing that they willnt help me but i still help them..... i try to say no but after listening to them i feel pity n help them again.
im the same, i want to say no but say yes because my heart feels responsible for them. I had a manipulative father who used guilt to get me to do what i didnt want to. I am going to get help for this, m 58 and its ruined my life. Dont let it ruin yours.
I usually don't say no because people always do bad things to me if I do, and I can't stop them. What am I supposed to do? As long as it's legal, they will just keep doing it 😥
Dr. Peterson, would you say this should apply to all relationships and interactions including a spouse? Or in that case a more passive aggressive approach as affirming positive actions and in a sense, "training" a spouse?
Ajmo Sutra practice. you do it once and expect it to go badly. Then you say no again, and it'll go badly again. The third time is slightly better, and so on.
I surprisingly had great success with this when I was little. Turns out they were surprised when I stood up for myself. Keep in mind that your success will be incremental and may even not give you immediate and expected results but keep pushing through and you'll see eventual change.
Ajmo Sutra tacosteven and Rami Patel got it right, pick up a side-hobby, if you're introverted, find a hobby you can do early in the morning when no one but people who only give a shit about their hobby is outside. practice on that (you don't even need to to abandon your previous habits, just readjust your time for when you do them). Whatever it may be, it will build character. Also, it's [social interactions] not a roll of the dice, the worst assholes can do when they are adult and in an office may be to call you names provoke or spread rumours about you, unless you live in a ghetto or a neighborhood filled with psychopaths (both are unlikely).
Ajmo Sutra Fit Philosopher has it right on. You must integrate the shadow in order to have personal integrity. The advice to do it stepwise, starting with a trial, is a good approach. You are trying to change an entire perceptual frame. It isn't going to happen overnight, and a "top down" approach is not going to work. You will need to consciously make a decision and consciously put it into action, until you have built up enough positive experience to reinforce assertiveness as a habit. This is no trivial task. Nathan Branden's book "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" may be helpful, if you have difficulty putting this into practice. So might some type of therapy. Good luck. PS: I recognized the Renoir right away.
John 3:16-18 16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. 18 He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. John 14:6 6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
we know an inability to say no is due to codependency and this clown is talking about psychodynamics which one 100 years has no evidence to support it also what he's talking about is CBT not jung there is a reason he had to resort to books for Fame because as a researcher he was meh
Actually not the best advice. If people think you are a lion, they will be weary of you and may even try to bring you down and, it be harder to exploit them. Be a wolf in sheep clothing, make them think you can't say no and use their trust in order to improve your position. Everyone thinks im nice guy, but I'm digging holes under them when opportunity arises.
That's the psychopathic approach. It will destroy society if everyone acts like this because society is built on mutual trust. That's what Kant tried to avoid by formulating his categorical imperative. Just do it like Jordan said and tell the truth.
You are talking about entire society, on individual level my method is superior.If we are talking about society, neither mine nor Peterson advice is optimal. Only a few can be a lion (those in command), rest have to be a sheep (those who obey) in order for society to function.
Legion1132 That's how you opress people and get opressed. It's only a matter of time until people realize they are being used and lied to though. When that happens, there will be violent shifts of power. There's a third option though, which is voluntary transaction and negotiation, which is what made western society the best one. Our monetary system for example is built on mutual trust. The more corrupt it gets, the more violent it gets (see for example Mexico), because advancing in the dominance hierarchy is now only possible by using violence. Lions are very violent animals. They even kill the children of their competitors in order to ensure that their own genes get passed on to the next generation. That's not where we want to go (again).
What you call "oppression" is unvoidable part of life, Peterson even brought it up when he was discussing communism if i recall. Not really, as long people aren't dying from hunger most of the time there is no incentive to overthrow government. In fact, deception is norm in politics what aligns with my advice, another good advice will be don't get caught lying.Nonetheless, there is no denying that society requires both a leaders ( Those who give orders, lion) and followers (those who obey orders, sheep). Albeit as you brought up lying, im little confused if you didn't mix up lions (domineering) with wolves in sheep clothing (manipulative). That is beside the point, use of animals is more to pinpoint subservient and dominering personalities.
Legion1132 Of course, to be "opressed" is natural to a degree, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with everything either. Politicians having to lie all the time to get votes doesn't make them lying any less immoral or dangerous. That's actually a moral relativist position ("it's all about power games"). It ignores that dialogue and negotiation can achieve a consensus and be profitable to both parties. That's for example the irony in the existence of the nuclear bomb: Its mere existence prevented WWIII because an attack would mean the obliteration by the other side. To be short: Unless you're a psychopath who is unable to have empathy, you have a natural interest in caring for others. For example the pollution of the environment for economic gain isn't in the interest of a normal human. That's why a majority of capitalists are psychopaths: They can be as ruthless as they want and the capitalist system rewards it. If they destroy the earth, they are happy that they made a lot of money. Nobody else thinks this way though and people certainly don't want to obey them.
I went through a lot of counseling to heal me from being overly agreeable. Here's what I learned: I couldn't stand up for myself, I couldn't say no, I couldn't tell people when what they do bothers me, because I'm conflict avoidant. I'm conflict avoidant because I believe I will lose in any conflict because I don't believe in myself and I believe a lie that any time I stand up for myself it will blow up in my face or that people won't like me, or that the best way to please people is to do everything they say. I learned to try to say no and not fold right away, and learned to negotiate, to push back a little and obtain an outcome that works better for me. The more I did this, the more confident I became and the more people respected me and my time/space/wants.
Fair play Bro! It's not easy but you did it!
Thank you for sharing this, truly helpful in understanding how this works for others
Matthew Schellenberg you still fold though?? So someone pushes your buttons, in whatever way, you just delay being trampled on? I don't get what you meant when you said "I learned to try to say no and not fold right away.."
*Not fold right away*
I basically saw myself in this statement. Every word verbatim matched me. I’m starting my journey to recovery.
Good for you... I still have a long way to start on my path to recovery. Afraid of hurting close ones.
I think Theodore Rosevelt had the right idea when said, people should value justice over peace. Because people who value peace are timid.
Very good
Jesus said I did not come to send peace but a sword
Wow, this man change my life to the better everyday. This is really good!
me too, I can't get enough of him...
Teddy Sundin never have I met a man who understands life to say what Dr Peterson sez
Read the work of the stoics, Nietzsche and the pragmatists as well specifically William James, he got a lot of his insights from them.
He's like Wm James 2.0 for modernity and yet he is aware that modernity itself is in peril...
What I learned is: if you don't want to do something, then say no. What used to happen to me is I would try hard to be a "team player" but the fact is when you spread yourself too thin you are bound to make more mistakes and when the s--t hits the fan nobody gives a rat's ass that you are a team player you just get thrown under the bus. The other thing is don't be afraid to tout your accomplishments. I was raised with a sense of humility, that hard work is its own reward. BULL SHIT. If you do something well, make sure everybody knows about it. Of course, you have to be subtle so as to not arouse envy or resentment, but it is important that everyone knows how valuable you are or else you'll get treated like s--t.
I finally implemented this in my Bus Divirsity class. I challenged the professor right at the beginning and it set a tone for the rest of the class and year. Four people stood up with me when I said it was getting pathological. And the rest of the year sailed right and had boundaries.
This hits me EXACTLY, and I'm now finally aware of it. Things will never be the same. For the better. =)
the most important lecture I ever watched .
Exactly what I need to hear.
at the end i get goosebumps every time
Thanks for posting these videos. It helps me be more assertive.
People who can’t say no are dangerously naive.
And dangerous in general cause we pissed off🤨
They are the ones that scare me the most
I disagree with some of his political opinions but man, he's such a superb speaker.
Athelstane of Coningsburgh
I also avoid his political stuff because I'm generally bot interested in politics but his psychological lectures are great imo.
Absolutely pal! Definitely a very captive one as well
this is huge
Wow this guy said my main life problem, the part about going back home after that type of parties has been with me for too long, it made me hate how a lot of people around me treat me which comes out often as hating them, right now i started seeing a psychologist, and am trying to figure the problems i have so i can work on them, anyone reading this who has been through similar feeling i want to ask how to get rid of such issues? I mean how to train yourself to get better
Best of luck bud. I find positive a attitude has helped me a lot. When lacking being positive I seek something of JP to watch & listen to; I happened to watch this one after speaking to my mom about how JP helped me and I feel it could help my brother and others.
I know I am not perfect, I don't claim to be, but I do find caring for myself has brought me to see the value in myself and I can therefore contribute that value to others in my life that may need it.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey brother, in the most sincere way. You shall see the value you can claim for yourself and contribute to others.
Best of luck whichever path you choose to go down.
I don't think I've fully taken this in yet, or done the changes I need soley from listening to this of course but..
Well I think this has helped me, at least a little.
I'm gonna make some changes and be more assertive
Learning to say no, one step after the other.
So bloody interesting!
well thats me at work but it happens behind my back till its become truth in their mind then i find out and can't convince them
I just have trouble saying no to.a guy, because whenever I do.it never works
Me not saying no , probably will lead to my bank account getting flagged for fraud 🤦🏽♂️
YES! wow!
That's so fucking sad, I can't believe some people don't have the balls to be themselves, as well as the wisdom to know that no matter what stance you take, someone somewhere will *always* dislike you.
LifeLikeSage yeah its a sucky thing to have
What an enlightening display of empathy
I have the problem Jordan describes. For me its due to my childhood having an emmotional abusive father. I learned to stay quiet and eat up my anger. I wouldnt recommend it to anyone, it destroys your self esteem.
i cannot say no to my frens..... they always ask for help i have always help them but when iam in need they all refused. knowing that they willnt help me but i still help them..... i try to say no but after listening to them i feel pity n help them again.
im the same, i want to say no but say yes because my heart feels responsible for them. I had a manipulative father who used guilt to get me to do what i didnt want to. I am going to get help for this, m 58 and its ruined my life. Dont let it ruin yours.
I usually don't say no because people always do bad things to me if I do, and I can't stop them. What am I supposed to do? As long as it's legal, they will just keep doing it 😥
this is full of significance for the anti-sjw conflicts
NO
Dr. Peterson, would you say this should apply to all relationships and interactions including a spouse? Or in that case a more passive aggressive approach as affirming positive actions and in a sense, "training" a spouse?
How to stop being immature?
I’m don’t letting my lgbtq force is beliefs on me and make me feel uncomfortable everyday
I assume this is part of a longer talk, have you got a link?
I want him to be my father
If I say no people rage and I'll be all alone
hi i really empathize with you, please get help to change it. Im 58 and cant say no either. This video has opened my eyes to the urgency to change.
I would rather stay alone than selling myself out :3
So... Any ideas how to implement this in real life?
Ajmo Sutra practice. you do it once and expect it to go badly. Then you say no again, and it'll go badly again. The third time is slightly better, and so on.
I surprisingly had great success with this when I was little. Turns out they were surprised when I stood up for myself. Keep in mind that your success will be incremental and may even not give you immediate and expected results but keep pushing through and you'll see eventual change.
Say what you think and do what you say.
Ajmo Sutra tacosteven and Rami Patel got it right, pick up a side-hobby, if you're introverted, find a hobby you can do early in the morning when no one but people who only give a shit about their hobby is outside.
practice on that (you don't even need to to abandon your previous habits, just readjust your time for when you do them).
Whatever it may be, it will build character.
Also, it's [social interactions] not a roll of the dice, the worst assholes can do when they are adult and in an office may be to call you names provoke or spread rumours about you, unless you live in a ghetto or a neighborhood filled with psychopaths (both are unlikely).
Ajmo Sutra Fit Philosopher has it right on. You must integrate the shadow in order to have personal integrity.
The advice to do it stepwise, starting with a trial, is a good approach. You are trying to change an entire perceptual frame. It isn't going to happen overnight, and a "top down" approach is not going to work. You will need to consciously make a decision and consciously put it into action, until you have built up enough positive experience to reinforce assertiveness as a habit. This is no trivial task.
Nathan Branden's book "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" may be helpful, if you have difficulty putting this into practice. So might some type of therapy.
Good luck.
PS: I recognized the Renoir right away.
John 3:16-18
16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
18 He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
John 14:6
6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
God bless you
#wow
Wow, after almost 4 years from waching this video.. i gladly want to tell you, that i become a real psychopathic killer.
That jacket doesn't go well with those pants and shirt.
Nick Joslin hey friend this is not important
So does your face
Pfff. . . Who cares! And what matters is in the heart, and the way you think, instead of the external, superfluous.
pornography is not loving your neighbor as yourself nobody should be naked in public
I need help in this area of my life somebody please help me if your reading this me Peterson please help me
hi did you get help?
we know an inability to say no is due to codependency and this clown is talking about psychodynamics which one 100 years has no evidence to support it
also what he's talking about is CBT
not jung
there is a reason he had to resort to books for Fame because as a researcher he was meh
Actually not the best advice. If people think you are a lion, they will be weary of you and may even try to bring you down and, it be harder to exploit them. Be a wolf in sheep clothing, make them think you can't say no and use their trust in order to improve your position. Everyone thinks im nice guy, but I'm digging holes under them when opportunity arises.
That's the psychopathic approach. It will destroy society if everyone acts like this because society is built on mutual trust. That's what Kant tried to avoid by formulating his categorical imperative. Just do it like Jordan said and tell the truth.
You are talking about entire society, on individual level my method is superior.If we are talking about society, neither mine nor Peterson advice is optimal. Only a few can be a lion (those in command), rest have to be a sheep (those who obey) in order for society to function.
Legion1132 That's how you opress people and get opressed. It's only a matter of time until people realize they are being used and lied to though. When that happens, there will be violent shifts of power.
There's a third option though, which is voluntary transaction and negotiation, which is what made western society the best one. Our monetary system for example is built on mutual trust. The more corrupt it gets, the more violent it gets (see for example Mexico), because advancing in the dominance hierarchy is now only possible by using violence.
Lions are very violent animals. They even kill the children of their competitors in order to ensure that their own genes get passed on to the next generation. That's not where we want to go (again).
What you call "oppression" is unvoidable part of life, Peterson even brought it up when he was discussing communism if i recall. Not really, as long people aren't dying from hunger most of the time there is no incentive to overthrow government. In fact, deception is norm in politics what aligns with my advice, another good advice will be don't get caught lying.Nonetheless, there is no denying that society requires both a leaders ( Those who give orders, lion) and followers (those who obey orders, sheep). Albeit as you brought up lying, im little confused if you didn't mix up lions (domineering) with wolves in sheep clothing (manipulative).
That is beside the point, use of animals is more to pinpoint subservient and dominering personalities.
Legion1132 Of course, to be "opressed" is natural to a degree, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with everything either. Politicians having to lie all the time to get votes doesn't make them lying any less immoral or dangerous. That's actually a moral relativist position ("it's all about power games"). It ignores that dialogue and negotiation can achieve a consensus and be profitable to both parties. That's for example the irony in the existence of the nuclear bomb: Its mere existence prevented WWIII because an attack would mean the obliteration by the other side.
To be short: Unless you're a psychopath who is unable to have empathy, you have a natural interest in caring for others. For example the pollution of the environment for economic gain isn't in the interest of a normal human. That's why a majority of capitalists are psychopaths: They can be as ruthless as they want and the capitalist system rewards it. If they destroy the earth, they are happy that they made a lot of money. Nobody else thinks this way though and people certainly don't want to obey them.