im not an angry person and i never feel anger, but that's probably because i always process it through some sort of physical compulsion. the only times ive ever felt truly angry about something, ive immediately felt a compulsion to go for a run, or take a cold shower, or scream in my car, or find a notebook to tear apart, etc. im also very prone to dissociation and i am not in touch with my "no" at all. setting boundaries and expressing my needs is impossible actually lmao. idk, maybe someday i'll get better at it. and omg the internal conflict shit is real. im always battling with myself inside my head, and i actually burn myself out that way. my life motto is literally, "it is what it is" lmao. and, i often dont define myself, i portray different versions of myself to different people and then allow those people to define me. its all very confusing but... it is what it is lol
No veil was removed. No “wow” moment. No crying. No shock. Just complete confirmation and finally feeling like I wasn’t invisible for the first time. Ever.
I wanted to grow up to be invisible. I wanted to leave no 'tracks'. No dirty dish, no pencil on the table, no toy on the floor. No apple core. I didn't want to be seen, heard, or have others suspect that I was in the house. I wasn't quiet. I was silent. I read. It saved me.
Definitely. I sometimes can't even tell what my actual opinions are on world events because I can see validity in all perspectives. So I just don't share any opinion, in case it is wrong.
Yep, didn’t have space or permission to be myself growing up. Always had to be a people pleaser to feel safe and loved. Thank you so much Tom for helping explain and understand what a 9 is. ❤️.
This hits so hard. Growing up, I tried so hard to be invisible and not be a bother that people would forget I was there. More than once my friend's parents forgot I was in the car when they were supposed to be bringing me home. They would arrive at a store instead of my house then look back at be and say, "I forgot you were there. Why didn't you say something ". I was always welcome at my friend's houses, especially when things were chaotic because I always calmed things down. I realize now that it's because I was an awesome mediator. But I am lost now. I am married to an alcoholic narcissist who cheats on me, lies, abuses me emotionally and financially. I have no more family alive and one child who I don't want to be a burden to. I am 52 and I am lost. It's a little late to be finding my way and my passion. I feel like I am drowning and everyone around me is yelling, "save yourself!" But I suffer from chronic pain and and... I am barely keeping my head above water. I understand I have to rescue myself. I just don't know how.
Your strength and resilience shine through your words. Remember, it's never too late to discover your passion and find your way. You deserve happiness and peace in your life.
The part about dreams really hit home, I totally feel like sometimes I know what my dreams are and then other times (most of the time) I’ve got no clue what i want out of life. I totally feel like I’ve been doing what everyone else wants me to do all the while feeling resentful of the path I’m on.
Modern life disallows our dreams by the very way it is constructed. How can we know what we want in a world like that when what we want so plainly has nothing to do with reality? And then people ask us to choose, as if there is sort of meaningful choice to be made? For example: will you be an employee, or employer? No. I won't. Where does that leave us? There is no "healthy" orientation to a system this sick.
My dad is a 9 and his whole life is doing errands for others and making their dreams come true. His siblings all have spouses, good careers and beautiful homes, while my dad has been single for 20 years, unemployed for 30 years and is homeless and living with my grandmother. It's painful and seems unfair. My dad did have dreams when he was young, but it seemed like he lacked the willpower to make anything happen.
as a 9w1, I can confirm my life started to change when I taught myself to say no without any guilt. hardest thing in my life was rejecting people and I was feeling the worst when I was rejected.
Funnily enough writing this very comment is very difficult for me, cause (especially) on social media I'm always like why would I say anything, why does it matter?
They best way to handle the fear of rejection is to accept that bad people will reject you. But eventually, the good people will stay along and appreciate you more. @nannatheilgaard9156
At 9:35, you are hitting the nail on the head. I can notice that when i ask for other peoples opinions and asking how people are feeling. It is often in a situation where i don't feel heard, or in a group of people who i don't feel like are very attentive to my opinion. I think it is my "suttle" way of trying to be a good example and create a good space where we can be open, and unconsiously i hope that it will affect people to let me be more open.. Which is not very logical now that i think about it, and it makes me feel more alone and isolated.
“Instead of merely keeping your peace and harmony… you start BRINGING peace and harmony” to others and the world. LOVE THIS!! What a gift! Thanks Tom! As a 9w1 I really appreciated / loved my coaching session with you. I may do another one in the new year 🎉
I’m pausing this video every 30 seconds to a minute to write down notes. It’s so good!! I’ve followed enneagram for a few years now and find the depth of this model outstanding. I’m a 9 and am always discovering new truths about my patterns, behaviours and mental beliefs. Loving this video, thank you 🙏
Wow this is so spot on!! I was NEVER allowed to have an opinion & I learned early on that for self preservation I had to go with the flow & even then I was punished & hurt!!
I was already aware but this just confirmed it. It also explains the irrational bursts of anger, bitterness and resentment I felt earlier this year. I'm not up to facing people yet. But I think I'm ready to start taking up things that I've wanted, that I threw down because I knew it would become a point of conflict.
There's that golden nugget in Riso and Hudson's classic "Wisdom..." book in the Type 9's section about "Holy Anger." It's a gift. We have to allow ourselves to process our anger. I've had a couple of things in my life, in relation to others, that would make any type angry. I'm making it a point to get angry, guilt-free.
This is me! OMG! I finally found my enneagram type! Everything you said in this video clicked with me (Absolutely EVERYTHING). It’s strange to see that someone could describe you so well when you couldn’t even describe yourself that well. Sorry for my bad english
Sorry for taking over your Comment section lol! I was just so intrigued by what you were saying. Great video!!! Advice I would also give to 9s (which you touch on, thankfully) is to make sure you keep yourself around people who make you feel heard and make you feel that you matter, during those down times (i keep them around all of the time). I got reeeeeally lucky to have great group of best friends that really cared about me and we cared about each other's voices and opinions. We've been besties over 30 years. And when you get that feeling of unworthiness or feeling like your opinions and dreams don't matter, remind yourself EVERY TIME that they do! Love your work! Thank you so much for sharing your wealth of knowledge with us!
I am a nine absolutely. At 75 this has so enlightening to me, there are times that I can feel like a lot of the other numbers kind of a chameleon. I am the only child and only grandchild, that was quite an upbringing. Faded away into whatever part that was needed. Most of my childhood was spent alone, when I became a teenager and left home that was when things changed. Now I have been self employed for over forty years in housekeeping and twenty in home care, at the same time. These are careers that allow my nine to flourish, gives me the time alone and also with others. Looking forward to the next event in my life to carry me forward. This course in January sounds like the thing that is needed now, also would maybe like to coach. I will e-mail for more information. Thank you for what you are doing, it is appreciated!
I lean into the pain because when you grow up having your feelings/ opinions ignored (but especially feelings), and you're on punishment all of the time, sitting in your room, having nothing BUT your pain and your thoughts (and some books lol), you can only learn to feel and deal with the pain as it comes. However, I have been able to feel it, process, and then "ignore it" to go back to it later (all subconsciously) or just be over it at that time. I wonder if this also has to do with me being ENFP. I feel Fe types that are 9s are the ones that ignore their feelings (and personal opinions). I have never had a chance to ignore my feelings lol. Just others have ignored them.
I agree with the Fe bit. My mom is an ENFP as well and likely a 7w6 or a 9 (I’m a bit new to the enneagram, so I’m not sure). She was also locked in her room as a kid until she finished all of her homework. She likely has adhd (although undiagnosed), so focusing in school was difficult. Her mom and stepdad were strict disciplinarians, so this was their solution. I’m an ISFP 9w1, so as an Fi dom I’ve also always been in touch with, and aware of, my emotions. However, I do usually ignore them to keep the peace and to see others wants fulfilled over my own. I can’t say I personally identify with any of the 9’s childhood traumas as I was very lucky, so it’s probably a case of nature > nurture.
Thank you so much Dr. Tom , your videos helped me transform from a very unhealthy levels of type 9 to a healthy 9. Your videos made me shed so many tears in the past but all I can do now is smile and feel so proud of how far I have come .
I realized in my 30s that I have always known what I wanted to do, since I was in at least 1st grade, but it has taken me the past 15 years to slowly make steps towards it, one small breakthrough at a time. It was drowned out for a while because of my unstable childhood and then as an adult I piled a bunch of expectations of other people onto myself until I could no longer see or care what I did anymore. That anger thing has been weirdly useful. All the times I made big changes towards my own life goals, I got in touch with that anger- I was sick enough of things not working out everyone else's way, I decided I might be happier failing my own way at least! LOL. Last year I worked on getting in touch with what I actually want and recognizing what things I was taking on from other people. It was pretty illuminating. Also, I realized in the process, a lot of the reason I even bent over backwards to do things the way everyone else wanted, was because underneath I believed I wasn't doing enough, trying hard enough, BEING enough! That was driving my people pleasing in those areas and it was suffocating my life and progress, because I would never truly go after what I wanted if underneath, I believed it wasn't a good enough desire or plan! So this year, I decided to be mad and say "ENOUGH!" to all that and change the inner dialogue so I can move forward.
I really really really appreciate your videos and appreciate you as a person. You're quietly and gently encouraging me to like myself and to try to be better at life and showing me my strengths. Thank you so much ❤ being a nine, i feel awfully miserable. I fear living and dying this way. But i think yes there is an exuberant adventurous side to me i just need to focus on and feed a little.
As an 18 years old girl this was mind blowing for me it is so true and when I look back to my childhood it wasn’t that much stable even if I considered as a happy one the think is I don’t really know what my dreams are ? I have consistence problems and am on my best when I am developing myself and being productive it’s the phase of exuberant my problem is being consistent with those habits Am currently a medical student so am focused on my studies at this moment of my life I will say no and i will accept myself to be rude to be selfish and to search for what I really want Thank you for this video
Yes I agree... I am the youngest, sixth child. I would rather say we are born with a certain enneagram as all my siblings are: 3, 7, 2, 8 and 8. So all of them were pretty expansive (yes, even the 2 that disintegrates to 8 on a regular basis) as we were living very poor and had to fight not to be the looser that doesn't get anything, so I feel like I developed 8 wing as my protector. But on the other hand I have always been a stubborn child that could easily jump into bursts of anger because I didn't like what has been done to me (wearing pink clothes or tying my hair into ponytail could end with a fight back and run all over the house). But the older I got the more hard it was to let that anger out. From fights it went through really sharp responses towards the "autorithies", to me just walking out or standing still, whatever was more likely to show that I dont like whats happening. I really wish I could let that anger out, but just a little. I know that if I try to speak about it, it will be a storm.
Man I love your work Tom. It's great listening again. I am the wolf man. I used to think of myself booted from the pack, but I'm back and sharing my gifts with the pack community.
I feel this on a deep level as a 9w1. The problem is that it is absolutely PARALYZING to make a decision on what action to take. I feel like I've floated through life and while I've fell into good comfortable situations and a job where I get to use my talents of patience and listening, I can't help but feel this inner urger to actually DO something with myself. Im 41 and make a low salary and am starting to feel terrified of how hard it's going to be when I'm old because I have no savings. But j cannot come up with a definitive plan for HOW to make more money. My only skill is to listen and make people feel safe. But a whole new degree in psychology is very long and so expensive that it doesn't feel possible. Also makes me question if I really want to listen to other people's problems any more than I already do naturally, as a 9. It's a burden to my soul sometimes.
I'm also a 9w1, turning 40 this year and making a low salary. Anyway, I think our type is very good at listening/making people feel safe, so as an outside perspective, since I don't know you, but I know "you", I thought when I read your comment- there are SO many careers that need those skills you have. Life coaches are a much shorter and cheaper program and super useful in a different way than counselors. Counseling offices also need people who are good at listening/make people feel safe in their front offices if you are good at that; or being an academic advisor in a school or college, or a career advisor. Spaces where elderly people or children are need people like you, also rehab facilities, healthcare... I don't know if that helps, I was just thinking instead of trying to think of a specific job title you would fit, think of the kind of places that need people who make others feel safe and then see what kind of openings they have that interest you. I agree, I've thought of being a counselor before, but I think I would have a hard time carrying their burdens, but I was a counseling office secretary in a high school and that was a great fit.
oh boy. Just took the Enneagram test because I am exploring what is going wrong with my key relationships: friends, and my supervisor. I don't know if I like the answer 😂 I tried standing up to my supervisor once, she got angry and I started to cry. But it did improve my (now published) article! But the cost of that fight was very high for me.
Feel like I needed to talk 40 years ago, my man; and the glasses on top of “ head… Clutch Thank you for this. “Far more comfortable to either have an opinion or my own priorities. “
12:10 I don't mind saying no, BUT when I keep saying No and then you ignore me multiple times (and i cant leave the situation), that's when the "9" parts start to shine lol smh. I then embody many of these characteristics. It was hard for me to find enneagram FOR YEARS, until I got into a relationship where I felt like my needs didn't matter...then the 9 stood out lol. I am like this with extremely strong willed people who are steamrollers, that for some reason, I can't leave (like my dad or upper management at a job). Everybody else is fair game. But even with the steamrollers, I need to stand my ground more often and let them know how I feel as much as I would let others know. Not just push 2-3x then when said no, acquiesce.
After 30 years in one field i retired. Didnt know what to do with myself next, so i did an on-line training for 12 months to start a new career -- but after finishing, I didnt really have any interest in actually starting the new career... So here i am waiting for clarity, inspiration, or a word from above to give me that direction and motivation to move forward... (yet again...)
Thank you for sharing your journey! It takes courage to step into the unknown, and I truly appreciate your openness about the challenges you’re facing. Remember, it’s okay to take your time to find the right path for you!
5:30 I consider myself a 9 but my fear has never been "being fragmented" or disconnected. I've cut people off and felt perfectly fine. Ok not perectly but even if it hurt I knew it was necessary...they all come back anyway either months or years later. I am moreso talking about friends and lovers. So does this mean I'm not a 9? It's the only part of the 9 I feel weird about. I think it's the only one lol. I will say this: when comes to the "high players" this fragmentation does apply...like a boss at work...but even then, sometimes I need to let them know when they are wrong or misunderstanding something. And I also have a father that I have to acquiesce to because "he's always right." If he says the sky is green, then the sky is green! Now I can only do that for so long and then we argue and then he drains my energy. And in my old age (ok I'm still pretty young 40 something), I realize my energy is worth preserving, and this aging man needs a friend since he pushes others away...but i gotta at least try to say my opinion right?!? lol 😅. Sorry about long soliloquy. I've just finished a cup of coffee 😂. Back to the video...
Hey there! Thank you so much for sharing your insights and experiences. Remember, the Enneagram is a tool for self-awareness, and while there are common themes and fears associated with each type, individual experiences can vary greatly. It sounds like you resonate with many aspects of Type 9 but also have your unique expression and boundaries. Your reflection on preserving energy and navigating relationships is so valuable. Enjoy the rest of the video, and if you ever want to dive deeper into understanding your Enneagram type or navigating life's challenges, feel free to check out my website. And no worries about the soliloquy - I appreciate your openness, and I must say, coffee-fueled insights are often the best! 😂☕ Stay well! ✨
@@twlahue now, that my coffee has worn off, I can't believe it typed all of this earlier! My energy has drained so much since then. Again, thank you feeling with of my responses 💞
That was so good , so helpful . I’m currently being guided by a therapist to take my life back . She asks me “ where am I in all I worry about? I’m outer focused on others feelings and worried about everyone else , I don’t speak up enough about what I want and I’m depressed. What you’re saying lines right up with what my counselor is also trying to tell me . That’s interesting lol . Your video was very clarifying , more so than even what my counselor was telling me lol , although in all fairness she has to make time in our 50 minute session to hear my whole life story as well lol . It’s taking a while to get through years and years of stuff .
: < I was on auto pilot going with the flow of life sounds cool at first, but it isn’t and during the time I was just going on auto pilot I wasn’t really thinking about going with the flow of life. I was just on auto pilot I could feel I was doing stuff but the whole time I was hating it and I wasn’t doing a thing about it, I was doing things because I had to especially with school and I don’t even have any friends until I had an online friend and I feel like they kinda asked me questions about myself and got me out of that and then right after that I decided to get more in touch with myself and my wants needs and actions still have a vary hard time with how I feel and what I want and lifes plans cute and sad I needed someone to push me out that
As a 9w8 I viscerally feel anger but my core 9 bottlecaps it. Sometimes I wish I was just an 8. But, I recognize that I've got to channel that anger and do something with it. Its still really hard but I feel so much better afterwards when I move in that direction.
Cool video, thank you very much! 😊 Ehehehe that was sooooo rough and direct, I almost felt anger and wish to start yelling at you 😅 but now I know that I need to yell at myself to stop being so lazy and going with a flow. There are so many flows in a world, why can't I create one myself and show it to people to move along? For a better society.
I'm pretty sure I'm an entp 9w8, so I will step forward when I feel it's necessary, but I'm usually okay with either going with the flow or doing things on my own. My mom is an istp either 5 or 8, but I'm leaning towards 8, and my dad is an isfj 6w5. My parents were really active when we were young. We were always out doing something. My dad was a marine who was an alcoholic. He wasn't mean; he just preferred to be numb. Even as a young child, I noticed they had a lot drama and problems between the two of them even though they tried to hide it. When I was five, my 1yr old sister (esfj 2; not sure of the wing) got spinal meningitis and was constantly sick for years. We moved a lot. It seemed like I was always the new kid, and I didn't make friends in school until I was around 15. The friends I did make were neighborhood kids, and they were always a few years older. When my brother (esfp 3w2) was around 5, my parents got divorced. There was a lot of hurt filled drama and vindictiveness between them. *I trailed off where I was going with this and forgot my point, lol.* Thank you, I really enjoy your podcast.
I have had to work through a lot of bitterness in my life. I ended up leaving my family (not husband or kids, just siblings and parents) to move across the country. I pretty much secluded myself for a long time and have finally, in the last couple of years, been trying to reintegrate myself back with people.
Getting angry makes me sad. Just an overwhelming feeling like it’s going to swallow me up. And I would love to know what I want, most of the time it’s comfort. It’s odd because I like it when people tell me I’m unproblematic or low maintenance, because it makes me feel appreciated for that quality?
I was always told who I was, what I could become and even how stupid my ideas were and are. I was a very angry child because I was unheard and invalidated. I am working so hard to move out of my comfort zone.
It's really inspiring to hear you’re working hard to move out of your comfort zone. Personal growth can be challenging, but it’s so rewarding. Keep pushing forward!
Production feedback: this video is difficult to listen to because the microphone gain is too high. It makes your voice sound incredibly scratchy, especially as you raise your voice. I love your content, and I’m a huge fan, just something to keep in mind as you’re doing these recordings. As a nine myself, I really debated whether or not to disrupt the peace by leaving this comment, ha ha.
I think we are born a type, not that the parents or upbringing caused it. I think we see our parents in the way of our type. However, nurture does play a role too. They may reinforce or influence certain inherent inclinations. But they don't cause our primary type.
Or we just didn't want to risk being beaten up by parents, siblings or bullies from school. In that case you choose to shut up. Don't make this about us being weak for not speaking up. Listen to the song Luka by Suzanne Vega. One line goes "they only hit until you cry. After that you don't ask why".
Heard about CPTSD? This is rather insulting, comparing a 9 to the rest of the types. Like a 9 is the most lame. It’s interpreted as mocking a 9. WTH dude?! The rest of the types aren’t all the fab either. CPTSD is conditioning as a child that was learned by sketchy parenting. EVERYONE has a degree of CPTSD. A learning process for all… INCLUDING you. 😊
"Thank you so much for your kind words and feedback! It means a lot to me. If you ever feel like diving deeper into these topics or seeking personalized guidance, I'm here to help. You can find more details on my website. Wishing you all the best on your journey! 💡"
im not an angry person and i never feel anger, but that's probably because i always process it through some sort of physical compulsion. the only times ive ever felt truly angry about something, ive immediately felt a compulsion to go for a run, or take a cold shower, or scream in my car, or find a notebook to tear apart, etc. im also very prone to dissociation and i am not in touch with my "no" at all. setting boundaries and expressing my needs is impossible actually lmao. idk, maybe someday i'll get better at it. and omg the internal conflict shit is real. im always battling with myself inside my head, and i actually burn myself out that way. my life motto is literally, "it is what it is" lmao. and, i often dont define myself, i portray different versions of myself to different people and then allow those people to define me. its all very confusing but... it is what it is lol
Interesting, thanks for sharing that.
No veil was removed. No “wow” moment. No crying. No shock. Just complete confirmation and finally feeling like I wasn’t invisible for the first time. Ever.
That is Awesome
I wanted to grow up to be invisible. I wanted to leave no 'tracks'. No dirty dish, no pencil on the table, no toy on the floor. No apple core. I didn't want to be seen, heard, or have others suspect that I was in the house. I wasn't quiet. I was silent. I read. It saved me.
any other 9s feel deep shame having needs and desires... i feel embarrassed to be passionate about anything
Definitely. I sometimes can't even tell what my actual opinions are on world events because I can see validity in all perspectives. So I just don't share any opinion, in case it is wrong.
@@brefishburn7478 same
Agreed I’ll share both opinions and see if they are a stickler for one
YES! THIS.
Yes! Embarresed when I like people and want to be rheir friend. If it shows how much I care I feel like I die a little on the inside 🙈
Yep, didn’t have space or permission to be myself growing up. Always had to be a people pleaser to feel safe and loved. Thank you so much Tom for helping explain and understand what a 9 is. ❤️.
This hits so hard. Growing up, I tried so hard to be invisible and not be a bother that people would forget I was there. More than once my friend's parents forgot I was in the car when they were supposed to be bringing me home. They would arrive at a store instead of my house then look back at be and say, "I forgot you were there. Why didn't you say something ". I was always welcome at my friend's houses, especially when things were chaotic because I always calmed things down. I realize now that it's because I was an awesome mediator.
But I am lost now. I am married to an alcoholic narcissist who cheats on me, lies, abuses me emotionally and financially. I have no more family alive and one child who I don't want to be a burden to. I am 52 and I am lost. It's a little late to be finding my way and my passion. I feel like I am drowning and everyone around me is yelling, "save yourself!" But I suffer from chronic pain and and... I am barely keeping my head above water. I understand I have to rescue myself. I just don't know how.
Your strength and resilience shine through your words. Remember, it's never too late to discover your passion and find your way. You deserve happiness and peace in your life.
The part about dreams really hit home, I totally feel like sometimes I know what my dreams are and then other times (most of the time) I’ve got no clue what i want out of life. I totally feel like I’ve been doing what everyone else wants me to do all the while feeling resentful of the path I’m on.
Modern life disallows our dreams by the very way it is constructed. How can we know what we want in a world like that when what we want so plainly has nothing to do with reality? And then people ask us to choose, as if there is sort of meaningful choice to be made?
For example: will you be an employee, or employer? No. I won't. Where does that leave us?
There is no "healthy" orientation to a system this sick.
My dad is a 9 and his whole life is doing errands for others and making their dreams come true. His siblings all have spouses, good careers and beautiful homes, while my dad has been single for 20 years, unemployed for 30 years and is homeless and living with my grandmother. It's painful and seems unfair. My dad did have dreams when he was young, but it seemed like he lacked the willpower to make anything happen.
"Children need to stay in a childs place." Thats the message i had growing up
as a 9w1, I can confirm my life started to change when I taught myself to say no without any guilt. hardest thing in my life was rejecting people and I was feeling the worst when I was rejected.
Funnily enough writing this very comment is very difficult for me, cause (especially) on social media I'm always like why would I say anything, why does it matter?
I applaud you for teaching yourself that!
How did you handle the fear of rejection and when you were rejected?
That is what i struggle with the most.
They best way to handle the fear of rejection is to accept that bad people will reject you. But eventually, the good people will stay along and appreciate you more. @nannatheilgaard9156
@@Layzdevsame
This video was so hard to watch I almost didn't want to click... but it was so worth the internal tension. Thank you
Thanks, I am glad it helped.
At 9:35, you are hitting the nail on the head. I can notice that when i ask for other peoples opinions and asking how people are feeling. It is often in a situation where i don't feel heard, or in a group of people who i don't feel like are very attentive to my opinion. I think it is my "suttle" way of trying to be a good example and create a good space where we can be open, and unconsiously i hope that it will affect people to let me be more open..
Which is not very logical now that i think about it, and it makes me feel more alone and isolated.
“Instead of merely keeping your peace and harmony… you start BRINGING peace and harmony” to others and the world.
LOVE THIS!!
What a gift! Thanks Tom! As a 9w1 I really appreciated / loved my coaching session with you. I may do another one in the new year 🎉
I’m pausing this video every 30 seconds to a minute to write down notes. It’s so good!! I’ve followed enneagram for a few years now and find the depth of this model outstanding. I’m a 9 and am always discovering new truths about my patterns, behaviours and mental beliefs. Loving this video, thank you 🙏
Wow this is so spot on!! I was NEVER allowed to have an opinion & I learned early on that for self preservation I had to go with the flow & even then I was punished & hurt!!
I was already aware but this just confirmed it. It also explains the irrational bursts of anger, bitterness and resentment I felt earlier this year. I'm not up to facing people yet. But I think I'm ready to start taking up things that I've wanted, that I threw down because I knew it would become a point of conflict.
"It was more comfortable not to have your own opinion."
There's that golden nugget in Riso and Hudson's classic "Wisdom..." book in the Type 9's section about "Holy Anger." It's a gift. We have to allow ourselves to process our anger. I've had a couple of things in my life, in relation to others, that would make any type angry. I'm making it a point to get angry, guilt-free.
This is me! OMG! I finally found my enneagram type! Everything you said in this video clicked with me (Absolutely EVERYTHING). It’s strange to see that someone could describe you so well when you couldn’t even describe yourself that well. Sorry for my bad english
You are so welcome!
Sorry for taking over your Comment section lol! I was just so intrigued by what you were saying. Great video!!!
Advice I would also give to 9s (which you touch on, thankfully) is to make sure you keep yourself around people who make you feel heard and make you feel that you matter, during those down times (i keep them around all of the time). I got reeeeeally lucky to have great group of best friends that really cared about me and we cared about each other's voices and opinions. We've been besties over 30 years. And when you get that feeling of unworthiness or feeling like your opinions and dreams don't matter, remind yourself EVERY TIME that they do!
Love your work! Thank you so much for sharing your wealth of knowledge with us!
Thanks
The dream section really challenged the way I think about myself and how I live other people's dreams instead of my own.
I am a nine absolutely. At 75 this has so enlightening to me, there are times that I can feel like a lot of the other numbers kind of a chameleon. I am the only child and only grandchild, that was quite an upbringing. Faded away into whatever part that was needed. Most of my childhood was spent alone, when I became a teenager and left home that was when things changed. Now I have been self employed for over forty years in housekeeping and twenty in home care, at the same time. These are careers that allow my nine to flourish, gives me the time alone and also with others. Looking forward to the next event in my life to carry me forward. This course in January sounds like the thing that is needed now, also would maybe like to coach. I will e-mail for more information. Thank you for what you are doing, it is appreciated!
You're awesome!
I lean into the pain because when you grow up having your feelings/ opinions ignored (but especially feelings), and you're on punishment all of the time, sitting in your room, having nothing BUT your pain and your thoughts (and some books lol), you can only learn to feel and deal with the pain as it comes. However, I have been able to feel it, process, and then "ignore it" to go back to it later (all subconsciously) or just be over it at that time.
I wonder if this also has to do with me being ENFP. I feel Fe types that are 9s are the ones that ignore their feelings (and personal opinions). I have never had a chance to ignore my feelings lol. Just others have ignored them.
I agree with the Fe bit. My mom is an ENFP as well and likely a 7w6 or a 9 (I’m a bit new to the enneagram, so I’m not sure). She was also locked in her room as a kid until she finished all of her homework. She likely has adhd (although undiagnosed), so focusing in school was difficult. Her mom and stepdad were strict disciplinarians, so this was their solution.
I’m an ISFP 9w1, so as an Fi dom I’ve also always been in touch with, and aware of, my emotions. However, I do usually ignore them to keep the peace and to see others wants fulfilled over my own. I can’t say I personally identify with any of the 9’s childhood traumas as I was very lucky, so it’s probably a case of nature > nurture.
Bringing peace and harmony instead of trying to keep your peace and harmony. That resonated!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm glad to hear that resonated with you! It's all about spreading positivity and creating a peaceful environment for ourselves and others.
Thank you so much Dr. Tom , your videos helped me transform from a very unhealthy levels of type 9 to a healthy 9. Your videos made me shed so many tears in the past but all I can do now is smile and feel so proud of how far I have come .
I realized in my 30s that I have always known what I wanted to do, since I was in at least 1st grade, but it has taken me the past 15 years to slowly make steps towards it, one small breakthrough at a time. It was drowned out for a while because of my unstable childhood and then as an adult I piled a bunch of expectations of other people onto myself until I could no longer see or care what I did anymore. That anger thing has been weirdly useful. All the times I made big changes towards my own life goals, I got in touch with that anger- I was sick enough of things not working out everyone else's way, I decided I might be happier failing my own way at least! LOL. Last year I worked on getting in touch with what I actually want and recognizing what things I was taking on from other people. It was pretty illuminating. Also, I realized in the process, a lot of the reason I even bent over backwards to do things the way everyone else wanted, was because underneath I believed I wasn't doing enough, trying hard enough, BEING enough! That was driving my people pleasing in those areas and it was suffocating my life and progress, because I would never truly go after what I wanted if underneath, I believed it wasn't a good enough desire or plan! So this year, I decided to be mad and say "ENOUGH!" to all that and change the inner dialogue so I can move forward.
Thanks for sharing this
I had to focus on the comfort because that was the only thing I had!! But now I’m just living in the comfort!!
Feeling so called out right now lol but I needed it!!!! Tears, TEARS from this!! Thank you so much!!!!
You are so welcome!
Yes, Tom. You are speaking my language. 9w1 here.
I really really really appreciate your videos and appreciate you as a person. You're quietly and gently encouraging me to like myself and to try to be better at life and showing me my strengths. Thank you so much ❤ being a nine, i feel awfully miserable. I fear living and dying this way. But i think yes there is an exuberant adventurous side to me i just need to focus on and feed a little.
As an 18 years old girl this was mind blowing for me it is so true and when I look back to my childhood it wasn’t that much stable even if I considered as a happy one the think is I don’t really know what my dreams are ? I have consistence problems and am on my best when I am developing myself and being productive it’s the phase of exuberant my problem is being consistent with those habits
Am currently a medical student so am focused on my studies at this moment of my life
I will say no and i will accept myself to be rude to be selfish and to search for what I really want
Thank you for this video
Tom I love your work and you my friend. I just want to give you a hug! I'm finding my voice and my passion, and filling my space. ❤
Rock on!
Yes I agree... I am the youngest, sixth child. I would rather say we are born with a certain enneagram as all my siblings are: 3, 7, 2, 8 and 8. So all of them were pretty expansive (yes, even the 2 that disintegrates to 8 on a regular basis) as we were living very poor and had to fight not to be the looser that doesn't get anything, so I feel like I developed 8 wing as my protector.
But on the other hand I have always been a stubborn child that could easily jump into bursts of anger because I didn't like what has been done to me (wearing pink clothes or tying my hair into ponytail could end with a fight back and run all over the house). But the older I got the more hard it was to let that anger out. From fights it went through really sharp responses towards the "autorithies", to me just walking out or standing still, whatever was more likely to show that I dont like whats happening. I really wish I could let that anger out, but just a little. I know that if I try to speak about it, it will be a storm.
Wow what a wake up call! Thank u... Yes I'm missing exuberance for sure!!
Man I love your work Tom. It's great listening again. I am the wolf man. I used to think of myself booted from the pack, but I'm back and sharing my gifts with the pack community.
Rock on!
I feel this on a deep level as a 9w1. The problem is that it is absolutely PARALYZING to make a decision on what action to take. I feel like I've floated through life and while I've fell into good comfortable situations and a job where I get to use my talents of patience and listening, I can't help but feel this inner urger to actually DO something with myself. Im 41 and make a low salary and am starting to feel terrified of how hard it's going to be when I'm old because I have no savings. But j cannot come up with a definitive plan for HOW to make more money. My only skill is to listen and make people feel safe. But a whole new degree in psychology is very long and so expensive that it doesn't feel possible. Also makes me question if I really want to listen to other people's problems any more than I already do naturally, as a 9. It's a burden to my soul sometimes.
Take a leap of faith?
You've pretty much described my life. (9w1)(:
I'm also a 9w1, turning 40 this year and making a low salary. Anyway, I think our type is very good at listening/making people feel safe, so as an outside perspective, since I don't know you, but I know "you", I thought when I read your comment- there are SO many careers that need those skills you have. Life coaches are a much shorter and cheaper program and super useful in a different way than counselors. Counseling offices also need people who are good at listening/make people feel safe in their front offices if you are good at that; or being an academic advisor in a school or college, or a career advisor. Spaces where elderly people or children are need people like you, also rehab facilities, healthcare... I don't know if that helps, I was just thinking instead of trying to think of a specific job title you would fit, think of the kind of places that need people who make others feel safe and then see what kind of openings they have that interest you. I agree, I've thought of being a counselor before, but I think I would have a hard time carrying their burdens, but I was a counseling office secretary in a high school and that was a great fit.
I really relate to that, even the psychology thing. That's very sad.
Btw, I have been thinking on get certified and work with enneagram as a alternative, but I'm not completely sure about this too.
Dr. Tom, nailed it. I am a 9W1 (SO) and what you spoke and read about describe my life journey.
Glad to help
oh boy. Just took the Enneagram test because I am exploring what is going wrong with my key relationships: friends, and my supervisor.
I don't know if I like the answer 😂 I tried standing up to my supervisor once, she got angry and I started to cry. But it did improve my (now published) article!
But the cost of that fight was very high for me.
Yes... the struggle is real.
Yes! I always CRY. So embarrassing. Trying to get a handle on that😬
Feel like I needed to talk 40 years ago, my man; and the glasses on top of “ head… Clutch Thank you for this. “Far more comfortable to either have an opinion or my own priorities. “
Well said!
Yes! At 9:15-10:16
12:10 I don't mind saying no, BUT when I keep saying No and then you ignore me multiple times (and i cant leave the situation), that's when the "9" parts start to shine lol smh. I then embody many of these characteristics.
It was hard for me to find enneagram FOR YEARS, until I got into a relationship where I felt like my needs didn't matter...then the 9 stood out lol. I am like this with extremely strong willed people who are steamrollers, that for some reason, I can't leave (like my dad or upper management at a job). Everybody else is fair game. But even with the steamrollers, I need to stand my ground more often and let them know how I feel as much as I would let others know. Not just push 2-3x then when said no, acquiesce.
After 30 years in one field i retired. Didnt know what to do with myself next, so i did an on-line training for 12 months to start a new career -- but after finishing, I didnt really have any interest in actually starting the new career... So here i am waiting for clarity, inspiration, or a word from above to give me that direction and motivation to move forward... (yet again...)
Thank you for sharing your journey! It takes courage to step into the unknown, and I truly appreciate your openness about the challenges you’re facing. Remember, it’s okay to take your time to find the right path for you!
5:30 I consider myself a 9 but my fear has never been "being fragmented" or disconnected. I've cut people off and felt perfectly fine. Ok not perectly but even if it hurt I knew it was necessary...they all come back anyway either months or years later. I am moreso talking about friends and lovers. So does this mean I'm not a 9? It's the only part of the 9 I feel weird about. I think it's the only one lol.
I will say this: when comes to the "high players" this fragmentation does apply...like a boss at work...but even then, sometimes I need to let them know when they are wrong or misunderstanding something.
And I also have a father that I have to acquiesce to because "he's always right." If he says the sky is green, then the sky is green! Now I can only do that for so long and then we argue and then he drains my energy. And in my old age (ok I'm still pretty young 40 something), I realize my energy is worth preserving, and this aging man needs a friend since he pushes others away...but i gotta at least try to say my opinion right?!? lol 😅. Sorry about long soliloquy. I've just finished a cup of coffee 😂. Back to the video...
Hey there! Thank you so much for sharing your insights and experiences. Remember, the Enneagram is a tool for self-awareness, and while there are common themes and fears associated with each type, individual experiences can vary greatly. It sounds like you resonate with many aspects of Type 9 but also have your unique expression and boundaries. Your reflection on preserving energy and navigating relationships is so valuable. Enjoy the rest of the video, and if you ever want to dive deeper into understanding your Enneagram type or navigating life's challenges, feel free to check out my website. And no worries about the soliloquy - I appreciate your openness, and I must say, coffee-fueled insights are often the best! 😂☕ Stay well! ✨
@@twlahue now, that my coffee has worn off, I can't believe it typed all of this earlier! My energy has drained so much since then. Again, thank you feeling with of my responses 💞
That was so good , so helpful . I’m currently being guided by a therapist to take my life back . She asks me “ where am I in all I worry about? I’m outer focused on others feelings and worried about everyone else , I don’t speak up enough about what I want and I’m depressed. What you’re saying lines right up with what my counselor is also trying to tell me . That’s interesting lol . Your video was very clarifying , more so than even what my counselor was telling me lol , although in all fairness she has to make time in our 50 minute session to hear my whole life story as well lol . It’s taking a while to get through years and years of stuff .
29:09 - 31:38 was the best advice!
Thank you so much for this, Dr. Lahue. I've really struggled to identify my type and your content has significantly helped.
You're very welcome!
My entire life has been exactly what you’ve described here. 😢
I feel worse about myself being a type 9 after watching this..😢 any tips on how to change?
For the first time in my life, I finally feel seen...
Thank you.
I'm so glad to hear that! It's amazing to feel understood and seen. Thank you for sharing your experience...
: < I was on auto pilot going with the flow of life sounds cool at first, but it isn’t and during the time I was just going on auto pilot I wasn’t really thinking about going with the flow of life. I was just on auto pilot I could feel I was doing stuff but the whole time I was hating it and I wasn’t doing a thing about it, I was doing things because I had to especially with school and I don’t even have any friends until I had an online friend and I feel like they kinda asked me questions about myself and got me out of that and then right after that I decided to get more in touch with myself and my wants needs and actions still have a vary hard time with how I feel and what I want and lifes plans cute and sad I needed someone to push me out that
As a 9w8 I viscerally feel anger but my core 9 bottlecaps it. Sometimes I wish I was just an 8. But, I recognize that I've got to channel that anger and do something with it. Its still really hard but I feel so much better afterwards when I move in that direction.
Wow… that really hit home for me! Thank you 🙏🏻
So glad!
Cool video, thank you very much! 😊
Ehehehe that was sooooo rough and direct, I almost felt anger and wish to start yelling at you 😅 but now I know that I need to yell at myself to stop being so lazy and going with a flow. There are so many flows in a world, why can't I create one myself and show it to people to move along? For a better society.
Great
I'm pretty sure I'm an entp 9w8, so I will step forward when I feel it's necessary, but I'm usually okay with either going with the flow or doing things on my own.
My mom is an istp either 5 or 8, but I'm leaning towards 8, and my dad is an isfj 6w5. My parents were really active when we were young. We were always out doing something.
My dad was a marine who was an alcoholic. He wasn't mean; he just preferred to be numb. Even as a young child, I noticed they had a lot drama and problems between the two of them even though they tried to hide it. When I was five, my 1yr old sister (esfj 2; not sure of the wing) got spinal meningitis and was constantly sick for years. We moved a lot. It seemed like I was always the new kid, and I didn't make friends in school until I was around 15. The friends I did make were neighborhood kids, and they were always a few years older.
When my brother (esfp 3w2) was around 5, my parents got divorced. There was a lot of hurt filled drama and vindictiveness between them.
*I trailed off where I was going with this and forgot my point, lol.*
Thank you, I really enjoy your podcast.
I have had to work through a lot of bitterness in my life. I ended up leaving my family (not husband or kids, just siblings and parents) to move across the country. I pretty much secluded myself for a long time and have finally, in the last couple of years, been trying to reintegrate myself back with people.
17:05 -- Yes, you are speaking my language!!!
I'm glad to hear that! It's always great to connect with viewers who resonate with the content.
This holds a lot of truth.
Getting angry makes me sad. Just an overwhelming feeling like it’s going to swallow me up. And I would love to know what I want, most of the time it’s comfort. It’s odd because I like it when people tell me I’m unproblematic or low maintenance, because it makes me feel appreciated for that quality?
26:37 was me from age 5 -17!
I was always told who I was, what I could become and even how stupid my ideas were and are. I was a very angry child because I was unheard and invalidated. I am working so hard to move out of my comfort zone.
It's really inspiring to hear you’re working hard to move out of your comfort zone. Personal growth can be challenging, but it’s so rewarding. Keep pushing forward!
I needed this. Thank you
You are so welcome
Thanks!
Thanks...
Production feedback: this video is difficult to listen to because the microphone gain is too high. It makes your voice sound incredibly scratchy, especially as you raise your voice. I love your content, and I’m a huge fan, just something to keep in mind as you’re doing these recordings. As a nine myself, I really debated whether or not to disrupt the peace by leaving this comment, ha ha.
Thanks for the info
This is exactly what I was always looking for
The answer to the question "What the hell is wrong with me?"
Thanks... There is nothing really wrong with you...per se.
I think we are born a type, not that the parents or upbringing caused it. I think we see our parents in the way of our type. However, nurture does play a role too. They may reinforce or influence certain inherent inclinations. But they don't cause our primary type.
I've realized this part of myself being a 9, what I never really get out of these is what to do about it from now?
Stop talking about me!
😂 for real though I’m actually shocked how well these tests can predict our personalities.
LOL, right? These tests are scarily spot-on sometimes!
Or we just didn't want to risk being beaten up by parents, siblings or bullies from school. In that case you choose to shut up. Don't make this about us being weak for not speaking up. Listen to the song Luka by Suzanne Vega. One line goes "they only hit until you cry. After that you don't ask why".
Thank you
You're welcome
You read me to a T. 😅 Idk how it's possible.
I can't decide if I'm a 9 or a 5. Why can't I choose.
Both are withdrawn types, chances are if your are stuck consider type 9
Thank you
I AM NOT in touch with my no 😢
Right...
If i could just have you as my father!
Awe, Thanks...
Dude. Why are you trying to get me angry this entire time? 😂
Sorry
2nd born syndrome?
Fragmented. Sigh...my biggest fear is now my life.
Damn close to water works on this one 😬
Sorry, glad it was helpful.
@@twlahueno need to be sorry, it was much needed 😅
Wow..
❤
Thanks
Heard about CPTSD? This is rather insulting, comparing a 9 to the rest of the types. Like a 9 is the most lame. It’s interpreted as mocking a 9. WTH dude?! The rest of the types aren’t all the fab either. CPTSD is conditioning as a child that was learned by sketchy parenting. EVERYONE has a degree of CPTSD. A learning process for all… INCLUDING you. 😊
Thank you for your feedback; understanding and kindness are vital.
28:51 my face wen my body is actually covered in hair and I’ve been called a wolf man
👁️👄👁️
Wow 😮 it’s like I wrote everything on that page you read! Like being in church and the sermon was meant just for Me! 🫤🤫
"Thank you so much for your kind words and feedback! It means a lot to me. If you ever feel like diving deeper into these topics or seeking personalized guidance, I'm here to help. You can find more details on my website. Wishing you all the best on your journey! 💡"