The way she was talking about it is a major red flag too. If someone talked to me like that, it would never cross my mind to give her that kind of ammunition
Imagine being that condescending and then not understanding why someone doesn't want to be open with you. Blame shifting is abuse, and this woman is abusive.
Opening up is only good as long as it's in the way SHE approves of. Cute puppy dog emotions, sweet things he feels about HER. Not the heavy stuff. Then it's "emotional labour" or icky.
Yes exactly. The “I want him to be more in touch with his feelings” is only when it benefits them. As soon as it doesn’t it becomes “eww don’t trauma dump on me”.
There is also the major flaw in her argument, that in the moment, people don't necessarily understand what they are feeling and only really process it later.
Everything what Lin listed happened to me multiple times, with multiple women. Even with my own mother. So no. I won't open up about my feelings anymore. Because the are not important for you except making you feel bad which I have to apologize for or giving you ammunition to making me feel bad in the future. last month my wife used something against me what I told her 5 years ago. Because we had an argument she couldn't "win" otherwise.
My experience was that if I was upset or stressed out or whatever, especially about my high stress job, and I told my wife about it, she would break down and get really upset. She'd freak out and think that I was gonna lose my job or the company I was working for was going to go under or some other way out of proportion doomsday scenario seemed to fit for her. Then for the rest of the night I would be trying to comfort her while dealing with my own crap. Seriously was just never worth it, so I stopped talking about it.
"You know you can just.. hand out your weaknesses? Just let me know what hurts you the most, something that if brought up against you would betray you harder than any insult someone you had trusted with said information could ever do, okay? Just let me know." That's what men hear from that, either from first, second or third-hand experience
"...anything you say can and will be used against you in a debate about your relationship." Most women don't want men to talk about their emotions, especially if they are negative. You may express empathy, but not vulnerability. The latter is like blood in the water of a shark pool.
If we are in the moment, and she is looking to win the argument, nothing will be seen as valid that contradicts what she feels. So, if I open up and share the feelings I have, and they contradict hers, they will be getting stomped. It's so expected that it is a trope at this point. We prefer to wait for a better time, when she's not angry (i.e. won the argument) to bring it up. If that gets us bitten, then we learn not to do it again.
You cannot open up, it leads to being seen as a weakness. Either in the nature of losing interest when first meeting or attempting to emotionally control you, when you are already over it, when you got it off your chest.
Or it could literally be that the smart men realize that waiting and processing his emotions on his own is far better. And then sometimes checking himself after doing so by asking what a male best friend thinks. This is far more valuable. And it is a much more healthy way to deal with emotions. As opposed to how most women seem to do the emotion dump and are socially dependent on others to deal with their emotions. Which, newsflash is an unhealthy attachment. Furthermore women are typically quick to validate each other's emotions even if they are toxic and irrational. In that case these women will never actually learn how to regulate their emotions properly.
Recently my girlfriend did something we mutually agreed she wouldn't do. I reminded her of this and she said "Oh, yeah. I figured this one time wouldn't be a problem." That set off alarm bells which lead me to questioning myself. At this point I don't know if I'm over-reacting for calling her out or if I'm wrong for not being more strict in telling her "no, you're not doing that". I feel like I'm wrong either way.
A lot of times, “while it’s happening” is a timeframe where something’s going on that puts him in “provide” or “protect” mode or that otherwise has him distracted. He’s not in a mood to talk about his feelings because he’s trying to take care of something, like watching over people or finding a solution to a problem. Feelings can be dealt with, later (assuming something new to deal with doesn’t crop up in before then).
Here's something women don't get, most men have no clue they're experiencing an emotional never mind how to express it. Plus expressing emotions is vulnerability and no man voluntarily shows that, it's diametrically opposed to our nature to "open up". Asking the impossible doesn't make it happen, and faking it to keep you happy just creates mire problems. God forbid we ever do give you the ammunition to use against us every time you descend into an emotionally chaotically charged destructive force...
If I told them what I'm thinking they'd never look at me the same way again. I see this world that you take for granted,,gone. Forever. There sweetie you happy?
Not to mention the fact, that men have to always walk on eggshells regarding what we say. Because women talk so much whenever they get together, we just kind of know that anything we say, will end up in the hands of her friends eventually. So we won't open up, simply because we know it won't stay private, the whole damn town is gonna know sooner or later.
Way I see it it's natural to want to be trusted, but it's not as important as being trustworthy. Also using something someone trusts you with against you isn't just toxic. It's abusive.
The issue is that men and women *used-* to be able to open up the sides of themselves that are unattractive in a relationship and not live in fear of a separation, breakup or divorce due to "irreconcilable differences" . The destruction of the sanctity of one's word has consequences. Back when marriage was seen as a nonvoidable vow, people actually had to put in the work to fix things when they were broken. It's so difficult to actually make a marriage work-- and divorce doesn't "fix" anything-- it just gives people a convenient way to run away from their problems. (( and then, they'll just take those unfixed personal issues into a new relationship, rehashing everything in a self-fulfilling prophecy-- ))
There's 2 sides to this from a male perspective... Either I'm not sure how I'm feeling in the moment (alexithymia is a common cause for this) or I'm just not comfortable sharing my emotions in that moment. The first has nothing to do with you and the second is a 50/50 between me feeling unsafe with you (and that's no fault of mine...) or just not thinking it's relevant in the moment
Let me see if I can clear this up. Women want to know what emotions you are feeling that drives you to do something. Like cleaning or working on something. Example: Women "why are you fixated about cleaning? Men: "A mess makes me stressed and I love you and want you to feel loved, thats why I am cleaning. When men hear talk about your feelings, they hear talk about why you're upset. Women can get the ikc because their man is in a weakened state by expressing it or being actually sick. That's the disconnect and a lot of new problems all together.
Lin is right, but there’s one more consideration. Men & women don’t think alike. Many men just aren’t consumed with thoughts about their own feelings most of the time. Their thoughts are often about external things, and not introspection about the current state of their own brain .
Everyone in this comment section seems to think that women are the only people who use underhanded argument tactics, but in reality, using personal secrets against someone is something that both sexes do. It's important to remember that when you watch content like this as a man, you tune your mind to find things which you hate about women in the women around you. It's good to be aware of the other side's shortcomings, but please don't allow negative content creators on the internet to color your thoughts and make you internalize anger against women to the point that you aren't capable of basic respect and love towards others. That's a recipe for the exact same "victim--victimizer" mindset that we're trying to avoid in modern dating in the first place. That being said, yeah, a lot of modern women will never learn right from wrong, and it's best to steer clear of them.
Instead of constantly trying to get a man to open up? Why not try to find ways to comfort him? Seriously, if you put in any kind of effort to show him your appreciate his efforts and are thrilled to see him after a long day that can EASILY turn a guys bad day where everything went wrong, hearing their favorite pet passed away and their parents are in the hospital in critical condition kind of day into at least a sufferable day that he can get through in almost the blink of an eye... Showing a guy you genuinely give a damn about him in that way allows him to continue being that rock and sure foundation you subconsciously need in your emotional Rollercoaster of a life!
Why should I open up to a women I can't even open up to my dad without him going on me if I slip and make a mistake my dad will literally only rage and argue even if I say hey look I did this and it broke or I got upset and broke this all I want him to say OK thanks for letting me know since 90 percent of the time it something I spent money on if It not mind I would still appreciate a thanks and then so when can you go buy something to replace what you broke to me I am willing to own up to my mistake but if you throw it back at me like I a piece of shit I will also start getting irritated and will probably lash out especially if this was in the same day since I do take a lot of time to suppress that rage and think straight at best it takes a good week in same environment or a good day of stepping away from the environment I just want to be acknowledged as a human who allowed to have mistakes without feeling like I a shit head if my family can't even do this why should I enter the dating realm
The way she was talking about it is a major red flag too. If someone talked to me like that, it would never cross my mind to give her that kind of ammunition
Word.
Yeah, your tone is giving me the ick lady.
Nope - I ain't 'opening up'. I've learned my lesson.
There is nothing to be gained, and plenty to be lost, by opening up.
Imagine being that condescending and then not understanding why someone doesn't want to be open with you. Blame shifting is abuse, and this woman is abusive.
Opening up is only good as long as it's in the way SHE approves of. Cute puppy dog emotions, sweet things he feels about HER. Not the heavy stuff. Then it's "emotional labour" or icky.
Yes exactly. The “I want him to be more in touch with his feelings” is only when it benefits them. As soon as it doesn’t it becomes “eww don’t trauma dump on me”.
There is also the major flaw in her argument, that in the moment, people don't necessarily understand what they are feeling and only really process it later.
Why would I open up when I’m met with hostility every single time for doing so?
Everything what Lin listed happened to me multiple times, with multiple women. Even with my own mother. So no. I won't open up about my feelings anymore. Because the are not important for you except making you feel bad which I have to apologize for or giving you ammunition to making me feel bad in the future.
last month my wife used something against me what I told her 5 years ago. Because we had an argument she couldn't "win" otherwise.
My experience was that if I was upset or stressed out or whatever, especially about my high stress job, and I told my wife about it, she would break down and get really upset. She'd freak out and think that I was gonna lose my job or the company I was working for was going to go under or some other way out of proportion doomsday scenario seemed to fit for her. Then for the rest of the night I would be trying to comfort her while dealing with my own crap. Seriously was just never worth it, so I stopped talking about it.
"You know you can just.. hand out your weaknesses? Just let me know what hurts you the most, something that if brought up against you would betray you harder than any insult someone you had trusted with said information could ever do, okay? Just let me know."
That's what men hear from that, either from first, second or third-hand experience
The way she talks is incredibly condescending. And she wonders why people don't open up to her...
No we can't do that. If we do that, we're going to be at best ignored and at worst backstabbed by the person we trusted.
"...anything you say can and will be used against you in a debate about your relationship." Most women don't want men to talk about their emotions, especially if they are negative. You may express empathy, but not vulnerability. The latter is like blood in the water of a shark pool.
*_"Weaponization."_*
I have a theory that she got dumped and this was a way of shifting the blane to the guy.
I have developed a theory that your theory is 100% correct.
If we are in the moment, and she is looking to win the argument, nothing will be seen as valid that contradicts what she feels. So, if I open up and share the feelings I have, and they contradict hers, they will be getting stomped. It's so expected that it is a trope at this point. We prefer to wait for a better time, when she's not angry (i.e. won the argument) to bring it up. If that gets us bitten, then we learn not to do it again.
..and we do get it throw in our face 99% of the time despite any prior promises...
sadly Women will break most promises and dreams...
You cannot open up, it leads to being seen as a weakness. Either in the nature of losing interest when first meeting or attempting to emotionally control you, when you are already over it, when you got it off your chest.
Or it could literally be that the smart men realize that waiting and processing his emotions on his own is far better. And then sometimes checking himself after doing so by asking what a male best friend thinks. This is far more valuable. And it is a much more healthy way to deal with emotions.
As opposed to how most women seem to do the emotion dump and are socially dependent on others to deal with their emotions. Which, newsflash is an unhealthy attachment. Furthermore women are typically quick to validate each other's emotions even if they are toxic and irrational. In that case these women will never actually learn how to regulate their emotions properly.
Yeah, sometimes the bad listeners are those asking men to open up just to show a lack of empathy.
Recently my girlfriend did something we mutually agreed she wouldn't do. I reminded her of this and she said "Oh, yeah. I figured this one time wouldn't be a problem." That set off alarm bells which lead me to questioning myself. At this point I don't know if I'm over-reacting for calling her out or if I'm wrong for not being more strict in telling her "no, you're not doing that".
I feel like I'm wrong either way.
You're not overreacting. She corssed an established boundary. I'd keep my eyes open from now on.
Just tell her: "Oh, so your word means nothing. Now I know you're not marriage material. Thank you for showing me."
THAT will get her attention.
A lot of times, “while it’s happening” is a timeframe where something’s going on that puts him in “provide” or “protect” mode or that otherwise has him distracted. He’s not in a mood to talk about his feelings because he’s trying to take care of something, like watching over people or finding a solution to a problem. Feelings can be dealt with, later (assuming something new to deal with doesn’t crop up in before then).
Yeah, I will when women stop lying.
In other words: "when Easter and Pentecost are on the same day" (as we say here).. Never.
Here's something women don't get, most men have no clue they're experiencing an emotional never mind how to express it. Plus expressing emotions is vulnerability and no man voluntarily shows that, it's diametrically opposed to our nature to "open up".
Asking the impossible doesn't make it happen, and faking it to keep you happy just creates mire problems.
God forbid we ever do give you the ammunition to use against us every time you descend into an emotionally chaotically charged destructive force...
I trust no one.
If I told them what I'm thinking they'd never look at me the same way again. I see this world that you take for granted,,gone. Forever. There sweetie you happy?
Idk if it's just me but the audio isn't synced with the video?
Uh oh! I'll look into this! Sorry
Same thing happened here - I thought the video was dubbed with someone else's voice.
Not just you. I nothiced it in another video too
The one thing you left out is that a lot of women get extremely defensive any time a partner complains about anything in their relationship.
Not to mention the fact, that men have to always walk on eggshells regarding what we say. Because women talk so much whenever they get together, we just kind of know that anything we say, will end up in the hands of her friends eventually. So we won't open up, simply because we know it won't stay private, the whole damn town is gonna know sooner or later.
As a guy I know every word I say will be entered into an equation that results in either incredible sex or no sex
when women start telling me what they actually mean/want, i will do that
Way I see it it's natural to want to be trusted, but it's not as important as being trustworthy. Also using something someone trusts you with against you isn't just toxic. It's abusive.
I'm the founder of the code of the 5 Fs. woman have not met enough men like me!
The issue is that men and women *used-* to be able to open up the sides of themselves that are unattractive in a relationship and not live in fear of a separation, breakup or divorce due to "irreconcilable differences" . The destruction of the sanctity of one's word has consequences. Back when marriage was seen as a nonvoidable vow, people actually had to put in the work to fix things when they were broken. It's so difficult to actually make a marriage work-- and divorce doesn't "fix" anything-- it just gives people a convenient way to run away from their problems.
(( and then, they'll just take those unfixed personal issues into a new relationship, rehashing everything in a self-fulfilling prophecy-- ))
There's 2 sides to this from a male perspective... Either I'm not sure how I'm feeling in the moment (alexithymia is a common cause for this) or I'm just not comfortable sharing my emotions in that moment. The first has nothing to do with you and the second is a 50/50 between me feeling unsafe with you (and that's no fault of mine...) or just not thinking it's relevant in the moment
Let me see if I can clear this up. Women want to know what emotions you are feeling that drives you to do something. Like cleaning or working on something.
Example: Women "why are you fixated about cleaning?
Men: "A mess makes me stressed and I love you and want you to feel loved, thats why I am cleaning.
When men hear talk about your feelings, they hear talk about why you're upset. Women can get the ikc because their man is in a weakened state by expressing it or being actually sick.
That's the disconnect and a lot of new problems all together.
Never open up emotionally to a woman, they will use it against you.
Lin is right, but there’s one more consideration. Men & women don’t think alike. Many men just aren’t consumed with thoughts about their own feelings most of the time. Their thoughts are often about external things, and not introspection about the current state of their own brain .
Yeah. No. Made that mistake.
Fair
Everyone in this comment section seems to think that women are the only people who use underhanded argument tactics, but in reality, using personal secrets against someone is something that both sexes do. It's important to remember that when you watch content like this as a man, you tune your mind to find things which you hate about women in the women around you. It's good to be aware of the other side's shortcomings, but please don't allow negative content creators on the internet to color your thoughts and make you internalize anger against women to the point that you aren't capable of basic respect and love towards others. That's a recipe for the exact same "victim--victimizer" mindset that we're trying to avoid in modern dating in the first place.
That being said, yeah, a lot of modern women will never learn right from wrong, and it's best to steer clear of them.
Do you see men asking women to divulge their secrets and "open up" to men? Of course you don't. You don't have to "both sides" everything.
This !
Instead of constantly trying to get a man to open up? Why not try to find ways to comfort him?
Seriously, if you put in any kind of effort to show him your appreciate his efforts and are thrilled to see him after a long day that can EASILY turn a guys bad day where everything went wrong, hearing their favorite pet passed away and their parents are in the hospital in critical condition kind of day into at least a sufferable day that he can get through in almost the blink of an eye...
Showing a guy you genuinely give a damn about him in that way allows him to continue being that rock and sure foundation you subconsciously need in your emotional Rollercoaster of a life!
Why should I open up to a women I can't even open up to my dad without him going on me if I slip and make a mistake my dad will literally only rage and argue even if I say hey look I did this and it broke or I got upset and broke this all I want him to say OK thanks for letting me know since 90 percent of the time it something I spent money on if It not mind I would still appreciate a thanks and then so when can you go buy something to replace what you broke to me I am willing to own up to my mistake but if you throw it back at me like I a piece of shit I will also start getting irritated and will probably lash out especially if this was in the same day since I do take a lot of time to suppress that rage and think straight at best it takes a good week in same environment or a good day of stepping away from the environment I just want to be acknowledged as a human who allowed to have mistakes without feeling like I a shit head if my family can't even do this why should I enter the dating realm
Because there is nothing to open up.
Or get scared of him. Because an angry man is scary to women.
Yeah no.. telling a woman your feelings is akin to offing yourself.. never do it.