It still feels like we can somehow save them, with all of the knowledge of their damage they've suffered. We just wanted to make them feel safe and loved, and we got burned.
My p diagnosed bpd. gf use to call me her superhero ,andher lover…she said she got therapy 2 years of dbt. But I’m telling you it didn’t work ……when I caught her cheating all she said was “I’m done ,ok take care”. I was upset at first but I am so muchbetter without her , it was a nightmare being with her ..
I always thought of my ex, who has BPD, as an endless hole. Always trying to fill it with some new pet, a new child, new family member living with us, new furniture, new place to live, new addition to the house, new job, more money, ditching household responsibilities, new guy she wanted to cheat on me with, new car, new ways of having sex, new cosmetic surgery, etc. No matter what, this hole could never make her happy, could never fill that hole. Still trying to realize, through therapy, the damage she caused. Advice to any guy who runs into a girl like this... run. Away. Fast. Don't look back. For the girls... guys with BPD are worse. Usually end up in prison. Definitely run away, fast.
Mine liked to fill it with new drama.. always something going on, some fight, some argument, some conflict, and of course I was the one who had to fix it.
You are a saving grace for us here, David. This knowledge helps us digest the trauma of losing someone we cared so deeply for. Being the best we can for them, and they sabotage it out of the blue. "We are solid, my love" was her message to me when I knew she was out with her ex. We were going to be married this year. "Her? Her of all people could do this? After all we were and done?" was all I could think about. After 2 months of no contact, her blocked, her trying to get in contact, and me knowing she is in a new relationship with her ex, I think still if she'll be okay. I still care if she's safe. I want her to not suffer. All this I still think about, when myself is healing. I know for certain that I never knew her truly. And the things we wanted wasn't what she wanted. It's a very sad state of things.
Yes, it's mind blowing. This person you cared for turns out to be someone you don't even recognise. My ex wife discarded me out of the blue 4 years ago. I literally have never seen or spoken to her again, nor her 2 children I was daddy to from a very young age. I had to go no contact for my own safety as she made horrible false accusations about me to the police, all dismissed. Despite my silence, she has continued to make my life difficult ever since - vindictive emails and social media comments using fake accounts. I still wonder how I got it so wrong.
@stuartwigmore3738 That's soul crushing. My brother raised a step-daughter for 5 years, until he was "replaced". How people even look in the mirror after doing this to good, loving, providing individuals is mind boggling.
@@Artistguy86 It's insane the number of similar stories I hear both on here and over on Quora. The details may be different but the broad brush strokes of behaviour is exactly the same in each case. Like there's some sort of infernal playbook in use!
If someone were to make a movie about the experience of being involved in a relationship with a cluster B it would be the greatest horror story ever written. It would be unlike any other movie, and all the viewers would end up emotionally damage for life just by watching the movie itself.
It amazes me how many borderlines are basically perectionists yet can't even keep their own lives together or be consistent from day to day. Also amazes me how quickly they say I love you and try to completely bring you into their life knowing full well how many of their past relationship attempts have crashed and burned. Just seems impossible not to notice that pattern after a while and not wonder if it's you.
It’s like they can be completely “in love” with somebody new within a few days of being broken up, hard to accept someone could even get there so quickly while I’m still recovering months after.
The pattern of quickly saying "I love you" is noticeable to a person with BPD. Prior to treatment it's just not taken seriously, and after treatment with CBT and especially DBT those impulsive tendencies become more controlled. And yes, the day to day is inconsistent for someone with BPD prior to treatment because there is a raging storm of emotions throwing that person back and forth as if he/she were a boat in the middle of a typhoon.@@DeMarsCoaching
They are so deluded that in their world it all makes sense and its always somehow the other persons fault. They don’t necessarily lie but they pick and choose information that serves to paint a picture where they are the victim and the other person/institution is the perpetrator. They justify their own bad and unethical behaviour towards people by devalueing them because they are not perfect and don’t unconditionally support the bpd. Their thought process is so convincing that while being with a bpd girl I was also partly convinced of her worldview and actually saw things the way she saw them. (I had problems trusting in relationships so I decided I would fully trust her no matter what, to challenge myself) Only after breaking up I realised how deluded this view was and how brainwashed being with her 24/7 had made me. Love can be a dangerous drug.
I'm in 3 months of no contact with my bpd wife, and now waiting for the divorce papers. The devastation was huge, I lost everything but she couldn't destroy my love for life and my willingness for a healthy relationship. I'm currently working on my self-love, self-respect. Without her, the future seems brigther.
Yes it is a parent child relationship with the underlying help cry. Except when you give advice or orders there lost in their own low self esteem and insecurities to listen or act on or take responsibility. Devastation to all who are involved
@@LastRebel1978 Exactly!, I also felt the same, its like being a dad instead of a husband. But 10x times harder because a kid doesn't threat with commit suicide. The way I see it its like I played the Marriage game in ultra-hard mode. With this experience It will be piece of cake with a healthy woman. Something important on my recovery process that took me a while to understood was to not generalize that all women are crazy as BPDs, generalize from one particular case is not healthy for us, I was very resentful with females. Now thanks to therapy, that resentment has diminish a lot even to the point of willing to have a healthy relationaship with a healthy woman, now I'm more aware of my flaws and unfullfilled needs.
I WAS doing better without her. But it's starting to hit me just how much I've lost. My house, money, cars, my daughter. I'm 46 now. Wondering if I ruined my whole life on this lady. 20 yrs married and have 3 kids. I see no way back to normalcy. Modern women are getting worse. They may as well all have BPD. Worse yet, I think my oldest son isn't mine. My sense of purpose, which was mostly my family, is gone.
He completely stressed me out. People that know me told me I was a mess back then. Stressing people out is what they do. There is no peace in the home once the other shoe drops. It's exhausting in every way to be in a relationship with a BPD. Every day was new drama and problems to solve and pay for. FFF that. Get out. Get therapy. Heal your own child hood wounds. Recognize and cut off anyone you recognize as a BPD. And go live yourself a great life. I don't have time or patience for that anymore now that I know what I was dealing with. Thank you David for all these videos. It helped me understand what I was dealing with, and helped greatly in my own healing.
Here's an analogy: It's like trying to stand on thin ice. You'll slide around for a bit and eventually it will crack and you'll fall in. When you're above water again, you don't look for stable land, but try to stand on the thin ice again, thinking it won't crack this time.
I just broke up with a borderline. Spot on. She couldnt let her exs go and would let new men flirt heavily with her and pretended to be clueless. And now im insecure, makes absolute no sense. She was deleting messages with a married man who i believe was a narcissist. And she couldnt let him go. So i let her go. And he was stringer her along with promises to leave his wife. Good luck them both. 😂😂😂 good riddence
I broke up with her over 8 months ago. She was a very smart woman, but I couldn't help her. After months of suffering to the point where I wanted to die, and sessions of therapy, I'm a lot better. I know she had at least two other relationships and she blamed the guys for what happened. I still miss the good parts, the beginning, her childlike attitude. I hope one day she will find happiness, somehow.
Same thing here. My husband narc contacted his borderline friend from the past after he found out his health problem. I wasn't aware of npd or bpd at the time, it just recently came to my knowledge. I was gaslit until I was going out of my mind. He ruined her marriage and her future. From what I know, they are still together.
Very similar experience. She couldn't avoid flirting, even in front of me. When it happened, she would later say she was drunk and couldnt temember. I loved her with my whole heart, and still love her. But couldnt cope with all
I have been listening to everything on you tube and studying everything on narcissism for at least 5 years. 35 years. Loved him from 21-55. Still do. For some reason you have hit me deeply. Watching your borderline videos is where I should have been all along. They make me cry, as they hit home. Finally, it makes sense. All if it. 100 cycles in 5 years has been my undoing. He reached 50’s, now 57, and lost control. Almost diagnosed but back to denial. Dealing with horrifying smear campaign and hatred. Triangulated by adult son. Projection is believed by him, is that the worst bit? I could spend my entire adult life loving someone who now has no good memories? Its f***ing devastating. But finally. I know. I have to walk forward and leave his broken soul behind. Thank you David. I cant tell you how much you have helped me. Painfully, but necessarily. I lost myself. I am one of the ones who stayed too long, trusted and loved too deeply and “might never recover”. 9 months since the day I was told in the morning he was lucky to still have me, and hated and ghosted by the afternoon. Him being evil and intentionally setting me up like a narcissist, never felt right. This does. Acceptance is a tough pill to swallow. Thank you. From the bottom of my broken heart. Sam in Perth, West Aus.
I pulled up my chair for this 😃 - after watching, listening carefully: GREAT. My God, great. *claps*. This video should be pinned! As a BPD, diagnosed officially, in and out of hospitals, in treatment (not for 10 years, but long enough to know I can't be in a relationship) - YES. You kept it simple - the simplification sometimes sounds cruel - but your audience, that is sufferers of the BPD exes, the people who are interested in life, need to hear this. Simple and loud and clear, phrased and re-phrased and over and over. t's not this little thing, it's a humongous thing (!)
Right about I was thinking, that I don't need your advice anymore, you talk about very relevant things. So probably I got more healing to do yet. Thank you David. Much appreciated
I feel like people with BPD tend to prey on someone’s emotions. They can get you to like them and even care about them. Then you get sucked into that never ending cycle of push-pull. It’s draining and exhausting.
In my experience the relationship started off being mutual then it slowly progressed into a one sided one . They pull you in and you do intensely love them and I would get snippets of who she can be and that person you want to be with but unfortunately its a mirage. After some time the relationship became draining as the BPD cannot understand her wrong doings and the once intimacy is now gone . Her sisters would even tell me to leave her and that she was bipolar , that she was diagnosed as a teenager, but no I strongly believe that she is borderline because she fits all those dynamics and traits of one . After 6 years I had to walk away 6 months later she married some guy in less than a month from meeting him and now have a baby within that year , its tough because i really did love her , but like coach says if they can replace you so fast they never did love you.
Felt the same way in my relationship. I think in my case he was in “remission” or had his symptoms under control for like 8 months (zero or not obvious idealization or love bombing or any other symptoms) just mutual respect and support. And then the splitting came and the support become so one-sided. The support becoming one-sided was more gradual than the change in personality if that makes any sense.
Hi David, I've been watching your videos since yesterday about BPD and they are truly helping a lot for my own education. I've been with an untreated BPD partner for a year and some months and the relationship felt really good, this person really put me on a pedestal and I always wanted them to improve themselves, they even took sports since I'm sport person and stopped smoking for me. It all ended when this person broke up with me out of nowhere. The next month and this current month have been hell on earth: from manipulation, bread-crumbing, the person breaking no contact often and sucking me in like an idiot and now I'm suffering from a smear campaign in which I'm a psychopath, a stalker and a manipulative person, while this person abandoned their healthy activities, returned to smoking and they are even smoking marihuana and tobacco on a daily basis, and their friends enable all of this instead of telling them to seek help. Luckily I'm having therapy and I can recognize that none of their shit are part of my responsibility and that their blame-shifting and difamation campaign are just part of their defense mechanism for them to not be in touch with reality, since they refuse to have proper care.
15 years with this turned me into a heavy substance abuser who nearly lost his job. I have no feeling of self, and i still, for some messed up reason, blame myself for the breakup. It's almost like the abuse and manipulation never even happened. I haven't felt pure joy like i did before in over 4 months. Depression, anxiety, and sleepless nights is my day to day life.
As someone who very likely has BPD, I agree. I’m just way too much sometimes. But I do think it can be cured. Medication and years of therapy make it so I’m actually happy being alone a lot of the time. And that’s something I never thought possible :). It just takes a long long time and a lot of effort.
I agree with you. It's too much. As much as the trauma borderlines had to endure since they were born. And nobody did nothing to help them developing healthy. It's all about money in this world. We are numbers, catle, not people. And I tell you I might feel terrible sometimes because I still have a human being needs of connection and affection, but I depend only on me and I never felt so peacefull since I decided to be alone, long time ago. I feel disgusted when somebody wants to know me better or feel that kind of interest in me and now its very easy for me just to ignore them and walk away.
A lot of them have no interest in improving themselves unfortunately. Several of my family memebers have been to therapy once or twice and they therapist told them something they didn’t want to hear (that they needed to work on themselves and it’s not everyone else’s fault) and they instantly were done with therapy
They definitely don't want to improve, usually. It's hard. It's a big chunk of their life to correct and spend in therapy to get well. More awarness of this disorder needs to be widely spread because they really do fuck up other peoples' lives.
@@DeMarsCoachinghaha right have you tried telling an undiagnosed that you think they have BPD? It is like talking to a brick wall as they are perfect beings while you are the most fallable human on earth since they will start painting you black while denying their own issues.
Yes I have to keep myself accountable to accepting constructive criticism from others and truly self reflect and be willing to change my perspective behaviors and actions. I’ve also grown the self awareness to often recognize when I am thinking or behaving based off of a skewed idea and change how I move forward. It’s such a blessing and I hope your family members can find what they need.
Good evening, David! Ohio is Ohio! “ If it just wasn’t for that one tiny part, that mental illness thing, damn it, if it just wasn’t for that, we’d be…! It’s not tiny, it’s humongous!” You said this with such strength and compassion, I could feel it too! Such a powerful representation of the disorder! I often wonder if my husband had this disorder along with his depression. Thank you,David! Have a great weekend! 😎❤️
Man, I appreciate your videos so much. The best I’ve found on this topic. As someone who is just getting out of a relationship with someone who shows these tendencies, it fills my heart with compassion for them and also relief for me that I’ve come to an understanding. I love and pray for this woman but also love myself.
I got the bpd discard 10 months ago.. now I'm in a custody battle.. she's making false allegations and using them to keep me from my daughters.. I can't believe I was so blind.. everything I loved about her I've come to learn was her BPD... the love bombing.. the mirroring.. I thought it was really her.. that I'd finally found someone who understood and genuinely loved me for me.. to know it was all a lie is the hardest thing to move past.. I've been on a good path for months now.. putting her behind me bc I know how toxic she is.. but today is Easter and I'm missing my ex and daughters who should be here today.. I'm proud to say it's my first "bad day" in weeks or maybe a couple months now but today is so low... for everyone else going through this I feel your pain.. we will make it through no matter how dark it seems.. one boot in front of the other and soldier on.. the help community keeps us strong.. although I may never know you, never hold you, laugh with you, cry with you, know that I love you.. we are survivors with golden hearts or else we wouldn't have ended up where we are..
I love you too... And I'm crying with you right now... I got brutally discarded a few days ago... This touched my heart so deeply... Thank you and I hope you're in a much happier place right now...... ❤
@@DeMarsCoaching I wish i would have found your channel 2 years ago. But with these topics it's never too late. Great Teaching...no sugar coating...🤲💪...i listen to this playlist BDP/NPD. So Very helpful for dropping all your knowledge....
I scored 8. My Borderline is bouncing off the charts. The thing you have to understand about us is that we are only half there as another UA-camr said. Waves of confidence followed by droughts of absolute depression. Lacking self worth is probably the biggest issue we have. The smallest comment can throw us right off of our “confidence”. It sucks man.
@@DeMarsCoaching This is true. It is extremely hard to go against your nature but through prayer and the power of Jesus Christ I believe I have found an identity.
@UstashaMe84 finding a strong identity is a very strengthening boost. Something you can only do for yourself. Because no one else can do it for you. The relationship with your maker should be the strongest relationship you have.
This sounds so like my mam, love him utterly & he is worth the effort on my part not to take it to heart or personal when he shuts me out. Learnt a lot about myself during these dark times.
wOW This is exactly what I needed to hear to get things moving in the right direction. Thank you for your videos, they are spot on. It is sad but this is not my first rodeo with Narcissists and Bpd (just did not know it). I moved 1200 miles away from everyone I knew to take my own control and raise my kids peacefully. Ten years later, my kids have graduated, I have a success business and am very happy.....alone. I do get really bad anxiety now, even pass out from it. Anyway, stupid me let my 2nd ex rent a room after my son moved out. I found your channel looking for adult temper tantrums, because I am dealing with this and noticing they are getting worse, out of his control, and more frequent. Last one, I think he was in psychosis. I have no idea why they are happening. Yesterday and Today he randomly kissed my cheek and walked away. It was so weird I got upset went outside and realized I was having an anxiety attack, could hardly breathe, I went to his room and told him to stop and that he is scaring me. He said he can't accept that. Makes no sense. Anyway, watching your videos have given me some understanding and urgency. Thank you
I just wanted to thank you for your videos. For me, they've been a "safe place" after all the turmoil of my past toxic relationship with an undiagnosed BPD partner. Sometimes it feels as if the darkness is still trying to pull me back from inside. Your videos always return me to awareness of what this is.
Thank you so much for this powerful video that really reached and helped me! It accurately describes the experiences and situations I encountered dead on. I was there and lived to tell. It was indeed life threatening and changing. I gained added strength in knowing there are others seeking answers, help and support.
Experiencing this and had to do a total cut off. Very difficult. No contact. I am a compassionate Retired professional In Education and still active in my community. The individual needs to stay in therapy, medicine, and you can only assist in this process. My experience with this (done of these individuals) is total dependence, verbal abuse, entitlement, ungrateful and backbiting. Thank you for sharing as you do!
I expressed boundary with a girl that wanted to marry me very quickly and when I started to express boundaries she kept dancing around the bush asking me to not judge her. When boundaries were crossed and I stepped back she said "I am a human being, I have feeling and emotions." This messed with my head for bit because I was feeling bad for her being sad but that is the kind of behavior that sam stating to get the ick from. Accountability allergies are disgusting...
The longer I was with her I could see her dependency on me. When she had to deal with a bereavement I could see that she was unraveling! We will try to fix them because we can't be with them as they are, but we realise that this is impossible! I'm just so glad that I could eventually walk away! Although you barely touched on it you spoke a great analogy of the Favourite Person David.
I'm four year out of a ltr with borderline and have healed from that. But I find this all so fascinating and sad for those with bpd. Good topics you have.
Ok, Good. Recovering BPD is here. Well done video . Loss is really devastating in our lives. Yes we are just “too much”. But not for a good therapist. All what å BPD needs is a good therapist!!! A specialist ❤ And yes, it was not our choice to have å horrible childhood. And have the charisma and beauty all together to have a guy in our trap. 🙏 ❤
Very useful. It has helped me a LOT. 12 years of in-and-out relationship with a BPD woman. I loved her (and love her) a lot. She warned me about her diagnosed BPD, but I didnt really took note. I thought I could make it work. However, all the traits you mention in videos where there: dramatic mood changes, constant need of attention and care, violent spats, dramas, deppression, eating disorders, flirting in front of me, constant selfies for attention, exes constantly present in her life, suffering, couldnt keep jobs, struggled badly to show any gratitude... And also a lot of loving and great memories, great plans... I didnt take it seriously and was terrible, for both of us. I never knew what could happen next. Fights every two months. I adopted the "saviour role", but ended always a vilain. Shr cut herself in front of me... she almost told neighbours I had hit her... I was exhausted. I feel I should continue helping, somehow, but is very destructive. I had a beautiful relationship with her daughter... Hope you could give some advice.
You are right on. My daughter was diagnosed at 20. She lives abroad with her family, but have been estranged from us, specially me, her mother, for over a year now. At first, she tolerated me, now she openly states how much she despises me. Now she doesn't talk to her sister...only her father, who enables her and tolerates her insults and drama. Her husband enables her, and believes everything she has told him, about my abuse to her, to say the least. My feelings of guilt kill me. Can't help to ruminate of when i did her wrong, and how. My other daughter assures me that my bpd daughters narrative is skewed, but for her, it's gospel. Now she is in "protective mode" of her family from my abuse, using my grandchildren as pawns making me miserable. I've been in therapy for years for have major depression, and this situation doesn't help. I love my daughter with every fiber of my heart, and her behavior and how she demonizes me is more that I can bear. She hasn't spoken to me for over a year now as i stated earlier, per her therapist's advice, or she texted before blocking me. I dream of having a relationship with her and my grandchildren, but it seems unrealistic.
I agree with you. That's why I live with nobody and I forced myself to feel disgusted whenever I felt interested on someone or somebody felt interest on me. Now it's easy for me to ignore people I know I could have a connection with, not feeling I have to do that like everybody does. It's my way to garantee my space and my peace of mind, if not totally of heart.
Until you meet an impossible narcissist that will only have anything to do with you to exploit you, humiliate you and destroy you. Then they're harder to get along with. There both spectrum disorders.
My bpd ex mood would come and go like waves and would be lovley one moment then completely ruin everything the next.. i left her 4 months ago for my own mental health. Now she is so highly medicated she is almost vacant.. i truly feel sorry for her.
as someone “empathic” the most compassionate thing we can do is really get the severity of the disorder and seek to understand it, personally and collectively as humanity. that way we do not get sucked into enabling it and harming ourselves in the process. and also understand they need skilled professional help, so not get sucked into thinking “oh, this is just helping someone out.” and I can so relate to the “careful when you help a person drowning, as they can take you down with them.”. i worked as a bodyworker focused on PTSD, so the trauma aspect I got…. now understanding the disorder, all their confusing behavior makes sense. thank you and everyone addressing these various disorders. i think these are the really important issue of our age and time. hopefully we can better care for and provide for the development of children and teens, so people can fully development.
Rewatched this video again, Good stuff, cheers from Pete, Finland 👍 Danced with this thing for 5-10 years. Finally seeing the light. Actually feeling pretty good cause i came to a realisation some time ago, that nobody can do anything more about to change it. Once i stopped all of the energy towards them (mental and actions), and i feel much more in peace 😌
Thanks man... I'm trying to self therapy after one year of...hell... Finally discarded, but it feels hellish even after a month... In which she did her best to hurt me...And she did...
For me, in my relationship with someone with BPD or other disorder, it was like living with someone that had cup that had a large hole at the bottom of it. Anything you do to fill that cup would drain and you needed to keep pouring more and more of yourself to keep the cup full and content. At times, it was easy to top of the cup, other times it took more effort. Eventually, the hole at bottom of cup is widened out until it is missing completely. Everything you poured into the cup, your love, your feelings, your dreams, your heart, soul resources, caring, consious and unconscious thoughts, lifeblood and lifesource are drained away and lost forever. Like others have said, a bottomless "hole".
One time during my ex BPDs insane tenter tantrum... I saw that she was faking it. It was obvious. She just looked at me.. The pain and tears and all the harsh emotion all over her face just vanished. Calm face. She just started to laugh. "Like you don't manipulate" she says. This was an extremely poignant moment. I realized... MOST of what I had witnessed was just an act. She knew exactly what she was doing. The emotional storm were just manipulation. Like her every word was pre-rehearsed. She went from absolute insane rage.. To total no emotion almost as if a switch turned her into a different person. Ill never forget that moment. Question: Im starting to think that BPD are really psychopaths utilizing victim as a primary attack platform. (Surprise attack, back to victim, push pull). Possible? This is an actual war tactic. It's called Gorilla warfare. Hit and run.
I have read and listened to lots of advice and examples re BPD but this recording has resonated the most. My trauma happened at the point of the most hateful and threatening stare after his first outburst of aggressive insults over... hardly anything. The glare told me to be quiet or else! We had been so respectful prior to this. Could you make a video based on 'the glare'? I've heard it is something that happens. Thank you for this video and valuable advice 14:4014:40
I have CPTSD whilst my sister is borderline. We both have been through a highly traumatic childhood but she was s violated before she could even walk. I didn’t go through what she went through…it doesn’t excuse all her bullying and betrayal but it does explain it. I just don’t talk to her anymore…and I know it pains her because she feels abandoned by me but she doesn’t realise I know she tried to poison me last Christmas.
💯💯🎯😢 Describes my mom. She would recruit someone to do something for her like fix her car, assemble Something for her like a bookshelf, Send someone on an errand. Then when they put their superman cape on to help her. She turn on the person and criticize And murmur about the person as if they are not living up to the perfect standard of expectations. My mom has gotten into a lot of arguments with my sisters for forcing them to help her with something, and then browbeating the hell out of them if they make what she calls, "A mustake" As if to say you're not the right HERO, You're not doing your job, I thought you were up to the task but you are messing things up, NEXT!!" This is how she created a vicious cycle of sibling rivalry Between my six sisters and none of them really get along to this day. 😩😖 She made them dis trust and one ip each other for her Entertainment and validation which is so sad.
A marker for borderline is that no one is good enough. And no one measures up to their high standard. it's a standard they would never think anyone else would hold them to, Because they think of themselves as nearly perfect
.... One of the hardest truth im learning about myself .. is that I am a nice guy.. too nice! so I've been told on more than one occasion. I have to remind my brain to be stronger than my empathy, as in your lifeguard example, I'd do MOST anything to save you.. (only recently through videos like this) I've learned not to drown with you.
My boyfriend thrives in chaos. You will never feel inadequate until you are with a bored BPD. Mine said he tbought "I didnt love him" because I didnt want to marry him after only knowing him for 9 months.
I quit dating for two years, and I got my first cat ever in my life. The last two women I was with one had confirmed NPD, the other was bipolar with medication and addicted to Norco, and had been to rehab. I've had my 2- Amber Heards in my life and I feel like Johnny Depp. I was born at night, but not last night. The last one almost destroyed me emotionally. I could pick out a DSM-V cluster B personality in five seconds flat now. if your cluster B stay away from ME!
I dated an untreated borderline for 5 years(on and off) and just broke up with him January 2 because he monkey branched. He called my parents around thanksgiving time and said we wanted to go to Iowa for Christmas (we live in NY) so my parents bought us tickets. He met his new bf at the beginning of December and he told me and he told me that we would be a trouple. I was like umm no, but went along with it because it was Christmas and we were going along. He started ignored me and I started researching more into bpd and was like oh s####, a lightbulb went on. When we went to my family’s for Christmas, he was texting his bf all of the time and leaving me alone. Would that be an unconscious decision of how he was going to split with me?
I'm really sorry and I hope you fully recover from this. Contacting him definitely could be signs he was finished but obviously I couldn't tell you what he was really thinking. Did he fear you were leaving him and take other measures to avoid you leaving him? I would look at Histrionic too if he always wants to be the center of attention.
I dated a BPD male for 3 years 6 months. We did good dating for 3 years. The last 6 months became the most difficult part of our relationship. I had plans to marry this man for the longest 😢 I am so discouraged about our breakup.
Thank you for this clear videos about BDP, I broke up after 8 months with a person I suspect suffers from BDP (I have unfortunately already diagnosed it correctly in the past to another friend) : - Troubled childhood relationship with her mother (also not particularly stable) - chaotic relationships history with a divorce from an an husband almost 30’years older than her (a parent rather than a partner) and after him a violent narcisist (at least what she says) - Impulsiveness and mood swings, she would insult me out of nowhere, take everything (even jokes) personally or distort facts and reality to justify her thinking and behavior. - After 8 months on the first day of holidays, out of nowhere, (consider we were doing plans to move together and having kids) she told me that she did not feel in love and faked her behavior up to then to please me, but nevertheless she was not thinking to break up…(I did of course). When I did, she freaked out saying we were never in love and we were having sex not making love (one lf the craziest thing I have ever heard) Thanks God I was aware of this personality disorder and I did not let this going under my skin. Now I am in no contact for 2 momths and feeling much better! Take care
I am the mother of a daughter with BPD. She is also antisocial. Now, I believe she was born this way. No known trauma. She was a “difficult “ toddler. Resistant to everything. Never smiled. No smiling baby pics. A biter. She lived a middle class lifestyle with many privileges. Tall, beautiful, very smart. That BPD switch flipped late in high school. Since then this girl has beaten me to the core! Lying, stealing, drugs, alcohol, sex, mean as a snake, abusive, physically abusive , jail, manipulative, …. 😢 no contact now for 4 years , truthfully I am afraid of her. She has totally destroyed my life and hers too. Refuses to believe there is anything wrong. You can’t help people who have no awareness. So sad😢
@@sabersage21 yes , her father and I separated when she was in high school. Brought up in a “normal “ middle class family”. She had a safe, secure home, with plenty of opportunities & friends . She was also talented (piano & viola) and beautiful & smart. After the divorce, her father did move away & saw her less. But her home life didn’t change at all.
I lived with a BPD and I came to realize it is demonic possession. Did you dabble in New Age, witchcraft, Frfeemasonry or anyone in the family? Going to mediums or astrologers or tarot readers? Any other biblically forbidden spiritual practices?
It's been two weeks no contact with her, she has called, texted, broken into my home, FB messenger, left gifts on my porch. I feel bad for her, but I'm getting my mind and body healthy again. It's not easy, but my life is worth more to me than sex and love bombing.
For the last 4 months I believed the toxic woman child I was involved with was a narcissist. I now believe that she is 1000 percent undoubtedly a victim of BPD. We were together for over a year and I cared for her very much. She knew how good I was for her. But she wasn’t good for me. She left and found a dude on tinder with the same first name lol guy is getting divorced and has 2 two year old daughters. My ex hated children. “The sound of children laughter makes me sick”
I have bpd. I never have intentionally set out to destroy anyone. I never was aware of the hurt and pain i caused to my loved ones and friends. My psychiatrists and phycologist knew i had bpd. Why did they never tell me and offer any help? I was totally in the dark about my illness. I regret the pain i have caused to others. It really hurts so much. I'm in thearpy now and working hard to change the way i have been thinking my whole life and didn't know it
Your psychiatrist and psychologist did not want to diagnose you with BPD or tell you about your condition due to fear. BPD is a stigmatizing mental health condition that can frighten even the most skilled clinician. People are typically not diagnosed with BPD until something very bad happens like a suicide attempt. They might have been trying to protect you by not bringing this condition to conscious awareness. It’s not the best approach but many clinicians do this.
You are speaking in the very extreme about bpd. I was diagnosed 15 years ago and have never been so extreme in the awful behaviours you describe. I've been taking care of myself and others all my life. I didn't have the luxury of being taken care of in childhood or life in general, I've taken care of myself, held down jobs supported family and never been on drugs or alcoholic. To much for a therapist? You seem to be talking about psychopaths. I hope not many bpd people are viewing this.
@@johnkarl8921 You sound like you either were misdiagnosed, conquered your own bpd on your own, or finished therapy. Men with BPD are almost always violent, drug and alcohol users, and end up in prison. My ex, with bpd, I think her brothers, who were likely molested as children too, have it also. Guess where they are? Not saying what you're saying isn't true, but if it is, YOU are exceptional. Might think about becoming a BPD therapist.
Funny, i have the sensation the one's on the video really hates someOne specific on HIS own past history, maybe some One who breaked badly HIS heart, and now he dedicates HIS knowledge to a personal Revenge....against HIS Lost love, which by coincidence had bpd. But if She had schizophrenia or maníac depression, se would bem by now watching HIS videos of warning about how terrível schizoid people can BE. Usually this kind of videos are made by narcissistyc or psychpats abused victims, but in those cases there's a juustification
If my bpd ex-friend sends me an email wishing me a happy birthday on my birthday in about two weeks, what is the best thing todo? Ignore it and not respond, or let a week or so go by then write a one-word reply like "Thanks" ..... ? He will know that it is my birthday. Haven't heard from him in eleven months, when he called me every nasty name in the book and discarded me. No. I am NOT pining for him, nor hoping that he does wish me a happy birthday, but you mention being compassionate.
Hello. Why wait at all if you have see thing you want to say to him? Do you want to talk to him or want some thing from him? Is he dangerous? Does he hurt you? If you don't want him to contact you, you can tell him now and you do t have to wait for him but it sounds like you are not clear with what you want. Knowing this will help you with what to do.
Mine would do that every year and then eventually lost interest when I would not respond. The best thing to do if he tries to contact you is not respond. And for goodness sake never go back to them. Under any condition. They will never apologize for past behavior and they think that they're pretty much perfect and everybody else is wrong. You cannot deal with someone like that. Don't respond
@@johnnycarson67Thank you so much for your comment, johnnycarson. I appreciate your wisdom and your help so much. And you are correct. Never go back to them, and I have NO intention of doing that. I said goodbye to him last June. I have nothing to say to him and I don't want anything from him. And yes, he thought I was the bad person and he made himself the victim, like a lot of borderlines do. Like you said, they think they are perfect and we are wrong. Thanks again, and have a wonderful 2024! 🎉🎉🎉
I need some help. I’m have a girlfriend with bpd and we’ve been friends for 3years and together for a year. I didn’t see any of this until we moved in together and each week it has gotten worse.
Completely avoiding a BPD with hacking to PC and phone, and no origin is obtainable. Their mind is deeply disturbed and with a deep level of intelligence that's poison.
Is it possible for someone who is suffering to be so paranoid they worry the government is watching them? Im asking because my relative is a male, he is extremely paranoid and has rages going from 0-100 in a snap. Violence. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia or schizophrenia/bipolar but he has no hallucinations. He also denies any problems. His FP is his mom, he never moved out, he’s kind of an extension of her. I’m trying to get him help that is really going to help him this time by trying to figure out what’s going on because no therapist thus far has been able to. He’s really miserable.
I'm sorry. He is paranoid schizophrenic and only about 60% respond to medication. This must be decided first before care can be administered. I'm sure he does in fact hallucinate if he is correctly diagnosed.
No matter how much reassurance you can give me it isn't enough. Being in any kind of relationship is basically all about me which I know it"s selfish & not normal. The minute that someone doesn't give me the attention I need they turn into the person I hate the most! I'm a very intelligent person but when I don't get what I want, I can turn into a monster. People don't want to be in any kind of a relationship with someone that is kind one minute & when the wind blows the wrong way want to rip out your throat! There is no telling how I can feel minute by minute. People that have BPD deal with this horrible illness in differant ways. Each day is a major challenge to see how much you can tolerate until you snap! BPD is definately the worse mental illness! Really how could it not be? I say it feels like having two mental illnesses in one, there are tooooooooo many symptoms. There needs to be alot more treatment, there aren't any fda approved drugs for BPD which is crazy. Alot of people with BPD don't want to try DBT cause it takes alot of work & committment. Popping a pill for BPD would be so much easier but unfortunately we don't have that luxury.
This is Tanya from Texas. Thank you so much for this video. You have confirmed what I have known all along but was afraid to admit it. I left and I also had a closure, but in 4 yrs my insecurities with him ended with just trusting in the future while he had me tattoo his name for reassurance, take a lie detector, had gps on me, going through my phone records, kicking me and my daughter out when I wanted to do a job interview that he didn't approve of....I am an obviously codependent that comes from me learning to justify my father's abusive actions so that's why I took all this. But after 4 and a half years I finally left for the 20+ time and hope I stay away but omg it is so hard. I rely on God as I tried everything else to keep me away. It's day 10 and it's a big milestone but I have a huge compassion for him and I am fighting to not think if he is hooking up with someone else. Your videos to break the illusion that it can change helped me a lot. I need to do this for my little daughter. What advice would you give me of how to stop obsessing over what he does I am afraid it will make me reach out again. He said I wasn't his person if I leave and he wants a traditional woman who will obey him and his needs, his sister even told me to leave him and I kept coming back. Please help.
Agreed. Stop watching them. Watch borderline notes. Seek out people who are diagnosed who are living a healthier life to watch and get better validation. Maybe come back to these in a healthier frame of mind if you're more interested again. Promise you aren't doomed. You need to learn to kinda validate yourself first and foremost. Awful but 100% doable. Promise you aren't a lost cause if you're self aware enough to be on these videos in the first place, the prognosis is actually quite good if you're here and accepting what people are saying, a lot of people's walls are so built up they won't even get this far 🖤
I'm a borderline. I also am diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder. Would you consider doing a video conference interview? I really feel like it would be beneficial to myself and maybe others like me.
This video explains why the BPD would call me dad when she really got mad at me. She said she felt intimidated by me, I didn't let her manipulate me. I was never in a committed relationship with her I always kept her at arms length because I couldn't figure her out. I would have liked to be in a relationship with her because she was smart and educated seemed to be down to earth, with what I know today nope. She was a staff member that I was in charge of. She was a high functioning borderline you'd never know she has issues till she got comfortable with you and took her mask off. She was/is on medications she was in therapy. I was the only one in the group I worked with she showed her ugly side, the others knew she had bit of a temper but not the childish temper/lash out she had with me. It was tiring being a friend with her, it was like dealing with an adult with a child mentality. When she was alone or with me she'd be the empty soul if another staff member showed up she'd perk up and put on her act. How she acted or what she showed was completely different with me than she was with others. I seen the emptiness in her she'd stare off into space I'd ask her if she was okay. As I said in a comment on another video she turned my life upside down, I had a new manager at the time, things were all screwed up. I wasn't paying attention to what the BPD was doing aka plotting revenge against me. She wasn't happy in the committed relationship she was in with another guy she wanted to be with me I wouldn't give her a committed relationship. In the end it was a big blow out I was angry with her, my managers showed their true colors they believed the lies and fabricated stories she came up with. Took a long time to recover from the sh*t storm I went through not just from her. Things did go from a light breeze to a hurricane the destruction happened then I was spit out of the vortex banged up and beat up. I was left thinking WTF happened.
My ex said to me "never ever go away from me" type of shit. Then she "discarded me" 6 months later. You give everything you have to them, because it is NECESSARY for them. Then you thrown away like NOTHING. They are miserable people. No one can save them bro no one. Even the therapist can't save them for my experience. Because they are LYING to their therapists bro, that sucks.
David, I would like to know if sexual triangulation in the workplace, push and pull dynamics, silent treatment, love bombing me, fear of gossip etc from my Suspected BPD female boss can trigger a manic episode in a bipolar man that has been healthy and stable for 17 years up to that point. She was abusing drugs, drinking and trying to seduce (and getting) coworkers in our store for a year and a half to the point I flipped out and changed stores.
Hello, yes of course. The less stable we feel and the worse we react to stress makes it very possible for people to change who we are and how we feel and control how we react.
I was naturally born with a highly empathic disposition. For some reason i have absolutely positively no empathy for these sick disgusting people. Thank god for that, because if i did then i would feel sorry for the person who had damaged me the most.
These are some of the best videos on borderline I’ve come across. It really helps me understand this disorder. I do have a question Q: I have known a borderline for a year now who has shown interest in me. Sometimes she’s great but sometimes out of the blue she gets pretty dark and holds her toung for most part but when she’s angry she says things like “men are useless” and exhibits passive aggressive tendencies. I now never take the bait. I haven’t expressed romantic interest yet but I can’t help but think she’s trying to get a relationship going but I’m not sure if I’m reading it right. What’s goin on in her head?
Question: How can you distinguish between a person with BPD and a psycopath pretending they have BPD? I know someone who had BPD with one partner, and after discarding him, had something else entirely with another partner (something designed for that new arrangement). I think the truth about all of this is a lot more complex. I also don't think it's about childhood trauma. I think it's something that is inherited (genetically) and the behavior gives rise to an involvement with the environment that causes trauma, both of which create a feedback loop of eternal downward darkness. Compassion yes.. but from a distance.
@@rachelforrester2135 One would think. But what if psychopathy is not a monolithic idea? What if the caricatures we are told in stories are just that? Over simplified narratives designed for the convenience of storytelling? I think there are many kinds of psychopaths in this world, and they are multiplying fast given our society's increasing aversion to truth.
There are generic predisposed elements but the childhood is traumatic. Borderline begins without any healthy bonding and attachment with their Mother. Severe neglect and sexual abuse is extremely common. As for as pretending to be a psychopath I dont know, their personality is so unstable they will change often.
@@DeMarsCoaching Thanks for responding. My observation is that even if the childhood was perfect, the child would experience trauma. They perceive the environment as monstrous. I got glimpses of this by observing an infant born of a "bpd" mother. But again I don't think bpd (as it's defined) actually exists in concrete terms. I actually think it's more of a fiction/ shared fantasy created by a particular kind of person interacting with a therapists. Therapists often exhibit savior complexes and a compassionate desire to help and heal others. "bpd's" are inextricably drawn to such people and know how to build a shared fantasy with them. I think the current DSM description of BPD is the outcome of that shared fantasy. BPD's I believe are people whom are the psychological equivalent to a chameleon. They camouflage according to the environment. This is why they can be extremely high performing individuals in a work place, and completely the opposite with a romantic partner (especially if the bpd is female and the partner is male and of the savior-kind). So while yes their identity is unstable, it seems incredibly stable and predictive to the environmental circumstances which signifies it's within their control and are in fact controlling it. This means it's deliberate, which leads me to believe the psychopathy is at the foundation of it. Because they can be at home one morning and be a complete mess with their partner but an hour later go to work and be perfectly fine. And consistently so. All hell breaks loose, however, if the environments collide (the work and their partner come into contact with each other). Or she develops romantic feelings for a coworker. This is why they insist on keeping their work, their friends, their partner, in isolation of each other. Perhaps in order to "heal" the bpd, you'd have to force her to bridge all of her worlds together. Allow her partner to be part of her friend group and allow her partner to be part of her work life, etc. Then she would gradually have to develop a stable singular person. Chances are she'd throw a fit or poison pill such an arrangement until a partner had no desire to bridge her worlds together.
I’ve been on the fence for years.. but this video just assured me, I need to be asexual/aromantic. I will never be well enough to date anyone. This is profound and true. Maybe next life time.
They seem like you can save them. Like you need to be the hero. But you end up being the villain, in the end.
It still feels like we can somehow save them, with all of the knowledge of their damage they've suffered. We just wanted to make them feel safe and loved, and we got burned.
No doubt. 💪
My p diagnosed bpd. gf use to call me her superhero ,andher lover…she said she got therapy 2 years of dbt. But I’m telling you it didn’t work ……when I caught her cheating all she said was “I’m done ,ok take care”. I was upset at first but I am so muchbetter without her , it was a nightmare being with her ..
I'm sorry you went through that but it's great to hear you persevered!
@@alexanderthegreat3106I'm sorry, you have a good attitude.
I always thought of my ex, who has BPD, as an endless hole. Always trying to fill it with some new pet, a new child, new family member living with us, new furniture, new place to live, new addition to the house, new job, more money, ditching household responsibilities, new guy she wanted to cheat on me with, new car, new ways of having sex, new cosmetic surgery, etc. No matter what, this hole could never make her happy, could never fill that hole. Still trying to realize, through therapy, the damage she caused. Advice to any guy who runs into a girl like this... run. Away. Fast. Don't look back. For the girls... guys with BPD are worse. Usually end up in prison. Definitely run away, fast.
Its such a large void they must fill themselves.
I've broke Up with my bpd person again. I miss her. Yet . I had to separate it and it was getting too much with the devaluation and hate.
Mine liked to fill it with new drama.. always something going on, some fight, some argument, some conflict, and of course I was the one who had to fix it.
@@DelFlo right? What drama topics did she do. Now she's made a playlist on our shared Spotify of missing me all these love songs....
This sounds exactly what I went through. It hurts
You are a saving grace for us here, David. This knowledge helps us digest the trauma of losing someone we cared so deeply for. Being the best we can for them, and they sabotage it out of the blue.
"We are solid, my love" was her message to me when I knew she was out with her ex. We were going to be married this year. "Her? Her of all people could do this? After all we were and done?" was all I could think about.
After 2 months of no contact, her blocked, her trying to get in contact, and me knowing she is in a new relationship with her ex, I think still if she'll be okay. I still care if she's safe. I want her to not suffer. All this I still think about, when myself is healing. I know for certain that I never knew her truly. And the things we wanted wasn't what she wanted.
It's a very sad state of things.
Yes, it's mind blowing. This person you cared for turns out to be someone you don't even recognise. My ex wife discarded me out of the blue 4 years ago. I literally have never seen or spoken to her again, nor her 2 children I was daddy to from a very young age. I had to go no contact for my own safety as she made horrible false accusations about me to the police, all dismissed. Despite my silence, she has continued to make my life difficult ever since - vindictive emails and social media comments using fake accounts. I still wonder how I got it so wrong.
@stuartwigmore3738 That's soul crushing. My brother raised a step-daughter for 5 years, until he was "replaced". How people even look in the mirror after doing this to good, loving, providing individuals is mind boggling.
@@Artistguy86 It's insane the number of similar stories I hear both on here and over on Quora. The details may be different but the broad brush strokes of behaviour is exactly the same in each case. Like there's some sort of infernal playbook in use!
Thnak you and I'm so sorry. The compassion you have for her is healthy and self compassion you have is great.
If someone were to make a movie about the experience of being involved in a relationship with a cluster B it would be the greatest horror story ever written.
It would be unlike any other movie, and all the viewers would end up emotionally damage for life just by watching the movie itself.
It amazes me how many borderlines are basically perectionists yet can't even keep their own lives together or be consistent from day to day. Also amazes me how quickly they say I love you and try to completely bring you into their life knowing full well how many of their past relationship attempts have crashed and burned. Just seems impossible not to notice that pattern after a while and not wonder if it's you.
Hi Liz, the pattern is only noticeable to us and not to them but I cant blame anyone searching for love.
It’s like they can be completely “in love” with somebody new within a few days of being broken up, hard to accept someone could even get there so quickly while I’m still recovering months after.
The pattern of quickly saying "I love you" is noticeable to a person with BPD. Prior to treatment it's just not taken seriously, and after treatment with CBT and especially DBT those impulsive tendencies become more controlled. And yes, the day to day is inconsistent for someone with BPD prior to treatment because there is a raging storm of emotions throwing that person back and forth as if he/she were a boat in the middle of a typhoon.@@DeMarsCoaching
They are so deluded that in their world it all makes sense and its always somehow the other persons fault. They don’t necessarily lie but they pick and choose information that serves to paint a picture where they are the victim and the other person/institution is the perpetrator. They justify their own bad and unethical behaviour towards people by devalueing them because they are not perfect and don’t unconditionally support the bpd. Their thought process is so convincing that while being with a bpd girl I was also partly convinced of her worldview and actually saw things the way she saw them. (I had problems trusting in relationships so I decided I would fully trust her no matter what, to challenge myself) Only after breaking up I realised how deluded this view was and how brainwashed being with her 24/7 had made me. Love can be a dangerous drug.
@@rickdalton5908 because they have no conscience, no empathy, no remorse
I'm in 3 months of no contact with my bpd wife, and now waiting for the divorce papers. The devastation was huge, I lost everything but she couldn't destroy my love for life and my willingness for a healthy relationship. I'm currently working on my self-love, self-respect. Without her, the future seems brigther.
What a beautiful attitude that will serve you so well.
I’m at this bridge. Offered and offered the way thru and out but it’s no hope. Soon to have enough money to start divorce and selling house.
Yes it is a parent child relationship with the underlying help cry. Except when you give advice or orders there lost in their own low self esteem and insecurities to listen or act on or take responsibility. Devastation to all who are involved
@@LastRebel1978 Exactly!, I also felt the same, its like being a dad instead of a husband. But 10x times harder because a kid doesn't threat with commit suicide.
The way I see it its like I played the Marriage game in ultra-hard mode. With this experience It will be piece of cake with a healthy woman.
Something important on my recovery process that took me a while to understood was to not generalize that all women are crazy as BPDs, generalize from one particular case is not healthy for us, I was very resentful with females. Now thanks to therapy, that resentment has diminish a lot even to the point of willing to have a healthy relationaship with a healthy woman, now I'm more aware of my flaws and unfullfilled needs.
I WAS doing better without her. But it's starting to hit me just how much I've lost. My house, money, cars, my daughter. I'm 46 now. Wondering if I ruined my whole life on this lady. 20 yrs married and have 3 kids. I see no way back to normalcy. Modern women are getting worse. They may as well all have BPD. Worse yet, I think my oldest son isn't mine. My sense of purpose, which was mostly my family, is gone.
He completely stressed me out. People that know me told me I was a mess back then. Stressing people out is what they do. There is no peace in the home once the other shoe drops. It's exhausting in every way to be in a relationship with a BPD. Every day was new drama and problems to solve and pay for. FFF that. Get out. Get therapy. Heal your own child hood wounds. Recognize and cut off anyone you recognize as a BPD. And go live yourself a great life. I don't have time or patience for that anymore now that I know what I was dealing with. Thank you David for all these videos. It helped me understand what I was dealing with, and helped greatly in my own healing.
Here's an analogy: It's like trying to stand on thin ice. You'll slide around for a bit and eventually it will crack and you'll fall in. When you're above water again, you don't look for stable land, but try to stand on the thin ice again, thinking it won't crack this time.
I just broke up with a borderline. Spot on. She couldnt let her exs go and would let new men flirt heavily with her and pretended to be clueless. And now im insecure, makes absolute no sense. She was deleting messages with a married man who i believe was a narcissist. And she couldnt let him go. So i let her go. And he was stringer her along with promises to leave his wife. Good luck them both. 😂😂😂 good riddence
That must be hard, I'm so sorry. Fully recover by healing.
I broke up with her over 8 months ago. She was a very smart woman, but I couldn't help her. After months of suffering to the point where I wanted to die, and sessions of therapy, I'm a lot better. I know she had at least two other relationships and she blamed the guys for what happened. I still miss the good parts, the beginning, her childlike attitude. I hope one day she will find happiness, somehow.
Same thing here. My husband narc contacted his borderline friend from the past after he found out his health problem. I wasn't aware of npd or bpd at the time, it just recently came to my knowledge. I was gaslit until I was going out of my mind. He ruined her marriage and her future. From what I know, they are still together.
Very similar experience. She couldn't avoid flirting, even in front of me. When it happened, she would later say she was drunk and couldnt temember. I loved her with my whole heart, and still love her. But couldnt cope with all
Omg my ex bpd male did this as well
My 29 old son is tormenting his wife as he leaves her every few months to go back to narc dad who uses him as scapegoat… is so complicated and sad!
I have been listening to everything on you tube and studying everything on narcissism for at least 5 years. 35 years. Loved him from 21-55. Still do. For some reason you have hit me deeply. Watching your borderline videos is where I should have been all along. They make me cry, as they hit home. Finally, it makes sense. All if it. 100 cycles in 5 years has been my undoing. He reached 50’s, now 57, and lost control. Almost diagnosed but back to denial. Dealing with horrifying smear campaign and hatred. Triangulated by adult son. Projection is believed by him, is that the worst bit? I could spend my entire adult life loving someone who now has no good memories? Its f***ing devastating. But finally. I know. I have to walk forward and leave his broken soul behind. Thank you David. I cant tell you how much you have helped me. Painfully, but necessarily. I lost myself. I am one of the ones who stayed too long, trusted and loved too deeply and “might never recover”. 9 months since the day I was told in the morning he was lucky to still have me, and hated and ghosted by the afternoon. Him being evil and intentionally setting me up like a narcissist, never felt right. This does. Acceptance is a tough pill to swallow. Thank you. From the bottom of my broken heart. Sam in Perth, West Aus.
I'm hearing you ❤
I pulled up my chair for this 😃 - after watching, listening carefully: GREAT. My God, great. *claps*. This video should be pinned!
As a BPD, diagnosed officially, in and out of hospitals, in treatment (not for 10 years, but long enough to know I can't be in a relationship) - YES. You kept it simple - the simplification sometimes sounds cruel - but your audience, that is sufferers of the BPD exes, the people who are interested in life, need to hear this. Simple and loud and clear, phrased and re-phrased and over and over.
t's not this little thing, it's a humongous thing (!)
What a great message and thank you for being vulnerable.
Best of luck to you in your journey.
Right about I was thinking, that I don't need your advice anymore, you talk about very relevant things.
So probably I got more healing to do yet.
Thank you David.
Much appreciated
Thank you Jeffrey!
I feel like people with BPD tend to prey on someone’s emotions. They can get you to like them and even care about them. Then you get sucked into that never ending cycle of push-pull. It’s draining and exhausting.
@@RajaMCool That's emotional baiting.
In my experience the relationship started off being mutual then it slowly progressed into a one sided one . They pull you in and you do intensely love them and I would get snippets of who she can be and that person you want to be with but unfortunately its a mirage. After some time the relationship became draining as the BPD cannot understand her wrong doings and the once intimacy is now gone . Her sisters would even tell me to leave her and that she was bipolar , that she was diagnosed as a teenager, but no I strongly believe that she is borderline because she fits all those dynamics and traits of one . After 6 years I had to walk away 6 months later she married some guy in less than a month from meeting him and now have a baby within that year , its tough because i really did love her , but like coach says if they can replace you so fast they never did love you.
I'm really sorry for your loss and I hope you fully recover.
@@DeMarsCoachingthank you brother
Never fall in love with potential. Technically everyone can show you potential for a very short period of time.
Felt the same way in my relationship. I think in my case he was in “remission” or had his symptoms under control for like 8 months (zero or not obvious idealization or love bombing or any other symptoms) just mutual respect and support. And then the splitting came and the support become so one-sided. The support becoming one-sided was more gradual than the change in personality if that makes any sense.
They are looking for narcisists and to have narc babies. Bpd women love to raise narcisistic boys to continue the curse.
They will never learn.
Hi David, I've been watching your videos since yesterday about BPD and they are truly helping a lot for my own education.
I've been with an untreated BPD partner for a year and some months and the relationship felt really good, this person really put me on a pedestal and I always wanted them to improve themselves, they even took sports since I'm sport person and stopped smoking for me. It all ended when this person broke up with me out of nowhere. The next month and this current month have been hell on earth: from manipulation, bread-crumbing, the person breaking no contact often and sucking me in like an idiot and now I'm suffering from a smear campaign in which I'm a psychopath, a stalker and a manipulative person, while this person abandoned their healthy activities, returned to smoking and they are even smoking marihuana and tobacco on a daily basis, and their friends enable all of this instead of telling them to seek help.
Luckily I'm having therapy and I can recognize that none of their shit are part of my responsibility and that their blame-shifting and difamation campaign are just part of their defense mechanism for them to not be in touch with reality, since they refuse to have proper care.
Good you have support. I hope this relationships ends and you fully recover.
The cave analogy was very accurate. ❤
my gosh you nailed it ..... dated a Borderline ..... this is so, so accurate
Thank you and I'm sorry.
I was in one these situations, he’s spot on, listen to this man
15 years with this turned me into a heavy substance abuser who nearly lost his job. I have no feeling of self, and i still, for some messed up reason, blame myself for the breakup. It's almost like the abuse and manipulation never even happened. I haven't felt pure joy like i did before in over 4 months. Depression, anxiety, and sleepless nights is my day to day life.
same here. i stalked to get evidence and when I see it I know it's not me
Very informational, very understandable, thank you... I'll look for all of your messages.
As someone who very likely has BPD, I agree. I’m just way too much sometimes. But I do think it can be cured. Medication and years of therapy make it so I’m actually happy being alone a lot of the time. And that’s something I never thought possible :). It just takes a long long time and a lot of effort.
That is beautiful, thank you for sharing. You're in good company when you are by your Self.
I've heard dbt actually has a massive success rate with bpd
I agree with you. It's too much. As much as the trauma borderlines had to endure since they were born. And nobody did nothing to help them developing healthy. It's all about money in this world. We are numbers, catle, not people. And I tell you I might feel terrible sometimes because I still have a human being needs of connection and affection, but I depend only on me and I never felt so peacefull since I decided to be alone, long time ago. I feel disgusted when somebody wants to know me better or feel that kind of interest in me and now its very easy for me just to ignore them and walk away.
A lot of them have no interest in improving themselves unfortunately. Several of my family memebers have been to therapy once or twice and they therapist told them something they didn’t want to hear (that they needed to work on themselves and it’s not everyone else’s fault) and they instantly were done with therapy
That is how much they believe they are worth it. Sad and I'm sorry.
They definitely don't want to improve, usually. It's hard. It's a big chunk of their life to correct and spend in therapy to get well. More awarness of this disorder needs to be widely spread because they really do fuck up other peoples' lives.
To a borderline , everybody in the world is wrong but them. Everyone in the world needs to improve except them. See Aileen Wuornos for reference
@@DeMarsCoachinghaha right have you tried telling an undiagnosed that you think they have BPD? It is like talking to a brick wall as they are perfect beings while you are the most fallable human on earth since they will start painting you black while denying their own issues.
Yes I have to keep myself accountable to accepting constructive criticism from others and truly self reflect and be willing to change my perspective behaviors and actions. I’ve also grown the self awareness to often recognize when I am thinking or behaving based off of a skewed idea and change how I move forward. It’s such a blessing and I hope your family members can find what they need.
Good evening, David! Ohio is Ohio! “ If it just wasn’t for that one tiny part, that mental illness thing, damn it, if it just wasn’t for that, we’d be…! It’s not tiny, it’s humongous!” You said this with such strength and compassion, I could feel it too! Such a powerful representation of the disorder! I often wonder if my husband had this disorder along with his depression. Thank you,David! Have a great weekend! 😎❤️
Hello Rory! Its so very sad and no matter what anyone's mental illness is, I'm sorry for many of your experiences you had in your marriage.
@@DeMarsCoaching Thank you, David. But I’ve learned so much from my experiences, and that’s what it’s all about!
Man, I appreciate your videos so much. The best I’ve found on this topic. As someone who is just getting out of a relationship with someone who shows these tendencies, it fills my heart with compassion for them and also relief for me that I’ve come to an understanding. I love and pray for this woman but also love myself.
Best BPD videos ever!!
Very informative video David. You made ir very clear for me.
Hi Willa! Thank you very much.
Hi, Willa! Great to see you! There was a lot packed in this video! Have a great weekend! 😎❤️
I got the bpd discard 10 months ago.. now I'm in a custody battle.. she's making false allegations and using them to keep me from my daughters.. I can't believe I was so blind.. everything I loved about her I've come to learn was her BPD... the love bombing.. the mirroring.. I thought it was really her.. that I'd finally found someone who understood and genuinely loved me for me.. to know it was all a lie is the hardest thing to move past.. I've been on a good path for months now.. putting her behind me bc I know how toxic she is.. but today is Easter and I'm missing my ex and daughters who should be here today.. I'm proud to say it's my first "bad day" in weeks or maybe a couple months now but today is so low... for everyone else going through this I feel your pain.. we will make it through no matter how dark it seems.. one boot in front of the other and soldier on.. the help community keeps us strong.. although I may never know you, never hold you, laugh with you, cry with you, know that I love you.. we are survivors with golden hearts or else we wouldn't have ended up where we are..
I love you too... And I'm crying with you right now... I got brutally discarded a few days ago... This touched my heart so deeply... Thank you and I hope you're in a much happier place right now...... ❤
Great talk about this. It actually saddens. me because I was with one. 😢😮..Love yourself first. Meaning care ..That's healing my friend .❤
I'm sorry for your loss and thank you.
@@DeMarsCoaching I wish i would have found your channel 2 years ago. But with these topics it's never too late. Great Teaching...no sugar coating...🤲💪...i listen to this playlist BDP/NPD. So Very helpful for dropping all your knowledge....
Such a great video David. Thank you!
Thank you Luis!
I scored 8. My Borderline is bouncing off the charts. The thing you have to understand about us is that we are only half there as another UA-camr said. Waves of confidence followed by droughts of absolute depression. Lacking self worth is probably the biggest issue we have. The smallest comment can throw us right off of our “confidence”. It sucks man.
I'm very sorry. Our self worth rises when our choices, decisions, and self care shows we are worthy of everything we need and want.
@@DeMarsCoaching This is true. It is extremely hard to go against your nature but through prayer and the power of Jesus Christ I believe I have found an identity.
@UstashaMe84 finding a strong identity is a very strengthening boost. Something you can only do for yourself. Because no one else can do it for you. The relationship with your maker should be the strongest relationship you have.
This sounds so like my mam, love him utterly & he is worth the effort on my part not to take it to heart or personal when he shuts me out. Learnt a lot about myself during these dark times.
wOW This is exactly what I needed to hear to get things moving in the right direction. Thank you for your videos, they are spot on. It is sad but this is not my first rodeo with Narcissists and Bpd (just did not know it). I moved 1200 miles away from everyone I knew to take my own control and raise my kids peacefully. Ten years later, my kids have graduated, I have a success business and am very happy.....alone. I do get really bad anxiety now, even pass out from it. Anyway, stupid me let my 2nd ex rent a room after my son moved out. I found your channel looking for adult temper tantrums, because I am dealing with this and noticing they are getting worse, out of his control, and more frequent. Last one, I think he was in psychosis. I have no idea why they are happening. Yesterday and Today he randomly kissed my cheek and walked away. It was so weird I got upset went outside and realized I was having an anxiety attack, could hardly breathe, I went to his room and told him to stop and that he is scaring me. He said he can't accept that. Makes no sense.
Anyway, watching your videos have given me some understanding and urgency. Thank you
I just wanted to thank you for your videos. For me, they've been a "safe place" after all the turmoil of my past toxic relationship with an undiagnosed BPD partner. Sometimes it feels as if the darkness is still trying to pull me back from inside. Your videos always return me to awareness of what this is.
Thank you so much for this powerful video that really reached and helped me! It accurately describes the experiences and situations I encountered dead on. I was there and lived to tell. It was indeed life threatening and changing. I gained added strength in knowing there are others seeking answers, help and support.
Experiencing this and had to do a total cut off.
Very difficult. No contact.
I am a compassionate Retired professional In Education and still active in my community. The individual needs to stay in therapy, medicine, and you can only assist in this process. My experience with this (done of these individuals) is total dependence, verbal abuse, entitlement, ungrateful and backbiting.
Thank you for sharing as you do!
Another Excellent video David. Thank you.
Thank you!
I expressed boundary with a girl that wanted to marry me very quickly and when I started to express boundaries she kept dancing around the bush asking me to not judge her. When boundaries were crossed and I stepped back she said "I am a human being, I have feeling and emotions." This messed with my head for bit because I was feeling bad for her being sad but that is the kind of behavior that sam stating to get the ick from. Accountability allergies are disgusting...
Good call, avoiding the "save me" trap
Your videos on BPD helped me to understand my mother and what has happened to me.
The longer I was with her I could see her dependency on me. When she had to deal with a bereavement I could see that she was unraveling! We will try to fix them because we can't be with them as they are, but we realise that this is impossible! I'm just so glad that I could eventually walk away! Although you barely touched on it you spoke a great analogy of the Favourite Person David.
I thought of you but I will make more. I love your name Happy-Me!
@@DeMarsCoaching Thanks David. I always aim to be happy! 😎
I'm four year out of a ltr with borderline and have healed from that. But I find this all so fascinating and sad for those with bpd. Good topics you have.
VERY GOOD PRESENTATION SIR
Thank you blessings to you and your family and friends
Ok, Good. Recovering BPD is here.
Well done video . Loss is really devastating in our lives. Yes we are just “too much”. But not for a good therapist. All what å BPD needs is a good therapist!!! A specialist ❤
And yes, it was not our choice to have å horrible childhood. And have the charisma and beauty all together to have a guy in our trap.
🙏 ❤
one of the best borderline videos ever roght here.
Very useful. It has helped me a LOT. 12 years of in-and-out relationship with a BPD woman. I loved her (and love her) a lot. She warned me about her diagnosed BPD, but I didnt really took note. I thought I could make it work. However, all the traits you mention in videos where there: dramatic mood changes, constant need of attention and care, violent spats, dramas, deppression, eating disorders, flirting in front of me, constant selfies for attention, exes constantly present in her life, suffering, couldnt keep jobs, struggled badly to show any gratitude... And also a lot of loving and great memories, great plans... I didnt take it seriously and was terrible, for both of us. I never knew what could happen next. Fights every two months. I adopted the "saviour role", but ended always a vilain. Shr cut herself in front of me... she almost told neighbours I had hit her... I was exhausted. I feel I should continue helping, somehow, but is very destructive. I had a beautiful relationship with her daughter... Hope you could give some advice.
You are right on. My daughter was diagnosed at 20. She lives abroad with her family, but have been estranged from us, specially me, her mother, for over a year now. At first, she tolerated me, now she openly states how much she despises me. Now she doesn't talk to her sister...only her father, who enables her and tolerates her insults and drama. Her husband enables her, and believes everything she has told him, about my abuse to her, to say the least. My feelings of guilt kill me. Can't help to ruminate of when i did her wrong, and how. My other daughter assures me that my bpd daughters narrative is skewed, but for her, it's gospel. Now she is in "protective mode" of her family from my abuse, using my grandchildren as pawns making me miserable. I've been in therapy for years for have major depression, and this situation doesn't help. I love my daughter with every fiber of my heart, and her behavior and how she demonizes me is more that I can bear. She hasn't spoken to me for over a year now as i stated earlier, per her therapist's advice, or she texted before blocking me. I dream of having a relationship with her and my grandchildren, but it seems unrealistic.
@@hrbiaggi I'm so sorry. Maybe someone else can help you more. I can't imagine losing a child, especially because they choose it.
I agree with you. That's why I live with nobody and I forced myself to feel disgusted whenever I felt interested on someone or somebody felt interest on me. Now it's easy for me to ignore people I know I could have a connection with, not feeling I have to do that like everybody does. It's my way to garantee my space and my peace of mind, if not totally of heart.
Thanks, this fits someone in my family and has given my some clarity
Always great info ❤
I wonder if most of the homeless people fall into this category. It’s really sad when someone has truly lost touch with reality. 😟
Mostly Schizotypal PD
@@DeMarsCoachingThank you
People with borderline are harder to get along with than narcissists
Until you meet an impossible narcissist that will only have anything to do with you to exploit you, humiliate you and destroy you. Then they're harder to get along with. There both spectrum disorders.
@@DeMarsCoachingagreed ive met both
Narcissists make borderlines in childhood.
Many borderlines are comorbid with Narcissism. That is a brutal combination.
@@G123.yes…narcissistic parents often have children who develop BPD later in life.
Youve pretty much described 99% of the people I deal with, everyday.
very clear and helpful. thank you.
My bpd ex mood would come and go like waves and would be lovley one moment then completely ruin everything the next.. i left her 4 months ago for my own mental health. Now she is so highly medicated she is almost vacant.. i truly feel sorry for her.
as someone “empathic” the most compassionate thing we can do is really get the severity of the disorder and seek to understand it, personally and collectively as humanity. that way we do not get sucked into enabling it and harming ourselves in the process. and also understand they need skilled professional help, so not get sucked into thinking “oh, this is just helping someone out.” and I can so relate to the “careful when you help a person drowning, as they can take you down with them.”. i worked as a bodyworker focused on PTSD, so the trauma aspect I got…. now understanding the disorder, all their confusing behavior makes sense. thank you and everyone addressing these various disorders. i think these are the really important issue of our age and time. hopefully we can better care for and provide for the development of children and teens, so people can fully development.
The enmeshment is so hard to untangle. It's like a ball of tangled rubberbands
Rewatched this video again, Good stuff, cheers from Pete, Finland 👍 Danced with this thing for 5-10 years. Finally seeing the light. Actually feeling pretty good cause i came to a realisation some time ago, that nobody can do anything more about to change it. Once i stopped all of the energy towards them (mental and actions), and i feel much more in peace 😌
Thanks man... I'm trying to self therapy after one year of...hell... Finally discarded, but it feels hellish even after a month... In which she did her best to hurt me...And she did...
For me, in my relationship with someone with BPD or other disorder, it was like living with someone that had cup that had a large hole at the bottom of it. Anything you do to fill that cup would drain and you needed to keep pouring more and more of yourself to keep the cup full and content. At times, it was easy to top of the cup, other times it took more effort. Eventually, the hole at bottom of cup is widened out until it is missing completely. Everything you poured into the cup, your love, your feelings, your dreams, your heart, soul resources, caring, consious and unconscious thoughts, lifeblood and lifesource are drained away and lost forever. Like others have said, a bottomless "hole".
Leave them to the narcs, the only way the will respect you is through abuse and violence it's all they understand.
One time during my ex BPDs insane tenter tantrum... I saw that she was faking it. It was obvious. She just looked at me.. The pain and tears and all the harsh emotion all over her face just vanished. Calm face. She just started to laugh. "Like you don't manipulate" she says.
This was an extremely poignant moment. I realized... MOST of what I had witnessed was just an act.
She knew exactly what she was doing. The emotional storm were just manipulation. Like her every word was pre-rehearsed.
She went from absolute insane rage.. To total no emotion almost as if a switch turned her into a different person.
Ill never forget that moment.
Question: Im starting to think that BPD are really psychopaths utilizing victim as a primary attack platform. (Surprise attack, back to victim, push pull). Possible?
This is an actual war tactic. It's called Gorilla warfare. Hit and run.
I have read and listened to lots of advice and examples re BPD but this recording has resonated the most. My trauma happened at the point of the most hateful and threatening stare after his first outburst of aggressive insults over... hardly anything. The glare told me to be quiet or else! We had been so respectful prior to this.
Could you make a video based on 'the glare'? I've heard it is something that happens. Thank you for this video and valuable advice 14:40 14:40
I have CPTSD whilst my sister is borderline. We both have been through a highly traumatic childhood but she was s violated before she could even walk.
I didn’t go through what she went through…it doesn’t excuse all her bullying and betrayal but it does explain it.
I just don’t talk to her anymore…and I know it pains her because she feels abandoned by me but she doesn’t realise I know she tried to poison me last Christmas.
Wow, so far, I found this is so true.
💯💯🎯😢 Describes my mom. She would recruit someone to do something for her like fix her car, assemble Something for her like a bookshelf, Send someone on an errand. Then when they put their superman cape on to help her. She turn on the person and criticize And murmur about the person as if they are not living up to the perfect standard of expectations. My mom has gotten into a lot of arguments with my sisters for forcing them to help her with something, and then browbeating the hell out of them if they make what she calls, "A mustake" As if to say you're not the right HERO, You're not doing your job, I thought you were up to the task but you are messing things up, NEXT!!" This is how she created a vicious cycle of sibling rivalry Between my six sisters and none of them really get along to this day. 😩😖 She made them dis trust and one ip each other for her Entertainment and validation which is so sad.
Its so sad for all of you and I'm very sorry for not having that healthy bond and attachment with your Mother.
@@DeMarsCoaching 💖 thank you so much David, you're a beacon of light. 🌺
A marker for borderline is that no one is good enough. And no one measures up to their high standard. it's a standard they would never think anyone else would hold them to, Because they think of themselves as nearly perfect
.... One of the hardest truth im learning about myself .. is that I am a nice guy.. too nice! so I've been told on more than one occasion. I have to remind my brain to be stronger than my empathy, as in your lifeguard example, I'd do MOST anything to save you.. (only recently through videos like this) I've learned not to drown with you.
My boyfriend thrives in chaos. You will never feel inadequate until you are with a bored BPD. Mine said he tbought "I didnt love him" because I didnt want to marry him after only knowing him for 9 months.
RULE NUMBER #1 ALWAYS CHECK THE MEDICINE CABINET BEFORE DATING
I quit dating for two years, and I got my first cat ever in my life. The last two women I was with one had confirmed NPD, the other was bipolar with medication and addicted to Norco, and had been to rehab. I've had my 2- Amber Heards in my life and I feel like Johnny Depp. I was born at night, but not last night. The last one almost destroyed me emotionally. I could pick out a DSM-V cluster B personality in five seconds flat now. if your cluster B stay away from ME!
I dated an untreated borderline for 5 years(on and off) and just broke up with him January 2 because he monkey branched. He called my parents around thanksgiving time and said we wanted to go to Iowa for Christmas (we live in NY) so my parents bought us tickets. He met his new bf at the beginning of December and he told me and he told me that we would be a trouple. I was like umm no, but went along with it because it was Christmas and we were going along. He started ignored me and I started researching more into bpd and was like oh s####, a lightbulb went on. When we went to my family’s for Christmas, he was texting his bf all of the time and leaving me alone. Would that be an unconscious decision of how he was going to split with me?
I'm really sorry and I hope you fully recover from this. Contacting him definitely could be signs he was finished but obviously I couldn't tell you what he was really thinking. Did he fear you were leaving him and take other measures to avoid you leaving him? I would look at Histrionic too if he always wants to be the center of attention.
@daviddemars Yes he fears abandonment and takes precautions to make sure that you won't leave him. Could it be a mixture of bpd and hpd combined?
Holy crap! No wonder I couldn’t fix him!!😮
I dated a BPD male for 3 years 6 months. We did good dating for 3 years. The last 6 months became the most difficult part of our relationship. I had plans to marry this man for the longest 😢
I am so discouraged about our breakup.
Very accurate!!
I learned I can walk away feom borderlinevfor the love of myself. I did it. And you are right. It was too much. And then I had to heal myself.
Thank you for this clear videos about BDP, I broke up after 8 months with a person I suspect suffers from
BDP (I have unfortunately already diagnosed it correctly in the past to another friend) :
- Troubled childhood relationship with her mother (also not particularly stable)
- chaotic relationships history with a divorce from an an husband almost 30’years older than her (a parent rather than a partner) and after him a violent narcisist (at least what she says)
- Impulsiveness and mood swings, she would insult me out of nowhere, take everything (even jokes) personally or distort facts and reality to justify her thinking and behavior.
- After 8 months on the first day of holidays, out of nowhere, (consider we were doing plans to move together and having kids) she told me that she did not feel in love and faked her behavior up to then to please me, but nevertheless she was not thinking to break up…(I did of course). When I did, she freaked out saying we were never in love and we were having sex not making love (one lf the craziest thing I have ever heard)
Thanks God I was aware of this personality disorder and I did not let this going under my skin. Now I am in no contact for 2 momths and feeling much better!
Take care
Thank you for your explanation. My son is 34 and has been diagnosed with bpd and aspd.
5:17 the way that I actually say this exact phrase to people 😭
I am the mother of a daughter with BPD. She is also antisocial. Now, I believe she was born this way. No known trauma. She was a “difficult “ toddler. Resistant to everything. Never smiled. No smiling baby pics. A biter. She lived a middle class lifestyle with many privileges. Tall, beautiful, very smart. That BPD switch flipped late in high school. Since then this girl has beaten me to the core! Lying, stealing, drugs, alcohol, sex, mean as a snake, abusive, physically abusive , jail, manipulative, …. 😢 no contact now for 4 years , truthfully I am afraid of her. She has totally destroyed my life and hers too. Refuses to believe there is anything wrong. You can’t help people who have no awareness. So sad😢
Did she have a father?
@@sabersage21 yes , her father and I separated when she was in high school. Brought up in a “normal “ middle class family”. She had a safe, secure home, with plenty of opportunities & friends . She was also talented (piano & viola) and beautiful & smart. After the divorce, her father did move away & saw her less. But her home life didn’t change at all.
I lived with a BPD and I came to realize it is demonic possession. Did you dabble in New Age, witchcraft, Frfeemasonry or anyone in the family? Going to mediums or astrologers or tarot readers? Any other biblically forbidden spiritual practices?
It's been two weeks no contact with her, she has called, texted, broken into my home, FB messenger, left gifts on my porch. I feel bad for her, but I'm getting my mind and body healthy again. It's not easy, but my life is worth more to me than sex and love bombing.
For the last 4 months I believed the toxic woman child I was involved with was a narcissist. I now believe that she is 1000 percent undoubtedly a victim of BPD. We were together for over a year and I cared for her very much. She knew how good I was for her. But she wasn’t good for me. She left and found a dude on tinder with the same first name lol guy is getting divorced and has 2 two year old daughters. My ex hated children. “The sound of children laughter makes me sick”
I have bpd. I never have intentionally set out to destroy anyone. I never was aware of the hurt and pain i caused to my loved ones and friends.
My psychiatrists and phycologist knew i had bpd. Why did they never tell me and offer any help? I was totally in the dark about my illness.
I regret the pain i have caused to others. It really hurts so much.
I'm in thearpy now and working hard to change the way i have been thinking my whole life and didn't know it
Just really do your best to finish the DBT. I think it is mostly impulse control. I admire your recognizing this. At least you're trying.
Your psychiatrist and psychologist did not want to diagnose you with BPD or tell you about your condition due to fear. BPD is a stigmatizing mental health condition that can frighten even the most skilled clinician. People are typically not diagnosed with BPD until something very bad happens like a suicide attempt. They might have been trying to protect you by not bringing this condition to conscious awareness. It’s not the best approach but many clinicians do this.
You are speaking in the very extreme about bpd. I was diagnosed 15 years ago and have never been so extreme in the awful behaviours you describe. I've been taking care of myself and others all my life. I didn't have the luxury of being taken care of in childhood or life in general, I've taken care of myself, held down jobs supported family and never been on drugs or alcoholic. To much for a therapist? You seem to be talking about psychopaths. I hope not many bpd people are viewing this.
@@johnkarl8921 You sound like you either were misdiagnosed, conquered your own bpd on your own, or finished therapy. Men with BPD are almost always violent, drug and alcohol users, and end up in prison. My ex, with bpd, I think her brothers, who were likely molested as children too, have it also. Guess where they are? Not saying what you're saying isn't true, but if it is, YOU are exceptional. Might think about becoming a BPD therapist.
Funny, i have the sensation the one's on the video really hates someOne specific on HIS own past history, maybe some One who breaked badly HIS heart, and now he dedicates HIS knowledge to a personal Revenge....against HIS Lost love, which by coincidence had bpd. But if She had schizophrenia or maníac depression, se would bem by now watching HIS videos of warning about how terrível schizoid people can BE. Usually this kind of videos are made by narcissistyc or psychpats abused victims, but in those cases there's a juustification
Hard to be compassionate when you have been physically threatened.
Ouch...feel that...
this hits very hard. And whatever you do or try. It will never be enough to make them feel good. Its a search for the HolyGrail...
If my bpd ex-friend sends me an email wishing me a happy birthday on my birthday in about two weeks, what is the best thing todo? Ignore it and not respond, or let a week or so go by then write a one-word reply like "Thanks" ..... ? He will know that it is my birthday.
Haven't heard from him in eleven months, when he called me every nasty name in the book and discarded me.
No. I am NOT pining for him, nor hoping that he does wish me a happy birthday, but you mention being compassionate.
Ignore him unless you get an apology for his past actions.
Hello. Why wait at all if you have see thing you want to say to him? Do you want to talk to him or want some thing from him? Is he dangerous? Does he hurt you? If you don't want him to contact you, you can tell him now and you do t have to wait for him but it sounds like you are not clear with what you want. Knowing this will help you with what to do.
Mine would do that every year and then eventually lost interest when I would not respond. The best thing to do if he tries to contact you is not respond. And for goodness sake never go back to them. Under any condition. They will never apologize for past behavior and they think that they're pretty much perfect and everybody else is wrong. You cannot deal with someone like that. Don't respond
@@johnnycarson67Thank you so much for your comment, johnnycarson. I appreciate your wisdom and your help so much. And you are correct. Never go back to them, and I have NO intention of doing that. I said goodbye to him last June. I have nothing to say to him and I don't want anything from him. And yes, he thought I was the bad person and he made himself the victim, like a lot of borderlines do. Like you said, they think they are perfect and we are wrong.
Thanks again, and have a wonderful 2024!
🎉🎉🎉
I need some help. I’m have a girlfriend with bpd and we’ve been friends for 3years and together for a year. I didn’t see any of this until we moved in together and each week it has gotten worse.
How do you have empathy for those who break your bones and drain your finances and tell everyone you are the crazy one?
Completely avoiding a BPD with hacking to PC and phone, and no origin is obtainable. Their mind is deeply disturbed and with a deep level of intelligence that's poison.
Is it possible for someone who is suffering to be so paranoid they worry the government is watching them? Im asking because my relative is a male, he is extremely paranoid and has rages going from 0-100 in a snap. Violence. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia or schizophrenia/bipolar but he has no hallucinations. He also denies any problems. His FP is his mom, he never moved out, he’s kind of an extension of her. I’m trying to get him help that is really going to help him this time by trying to figure out what’s going on because no therapist thus far has been able to. He’s really miserable.
I'm sorry. He is paranoid schizophrenic and only about 60% respond to medication. This must be decided first before care can be administered. I'm sure he does in fact hallucinate if he is correctly diagnosed.
@@DeMarsCoaching thank you. ❤️
If he believes that someone is watching all the time, he is deluded and schizophrenic.
No matter how much reassurance you can give me it isn't enough. Being in any kind of relationship is basically all about me which I know it"s selfish & not normal. The minute that someone doesn't give me the attention I need they turn into the person I hate the most! I'm a very intelligent person but when I don't get what I want, I can turn into a monster. People don't want to be in any kind of a relationship with someone that is kind one minute & when the wind blows the wrong way want to rip out your throat! There is no telling how I can feel minute by minute. People that have BPD deal with this horrible illness in differant ways. Each day is a major challenge to see how much you can tolerate until you snap! BPD is definately the worse mental illness! Really how could it not be? I say it feels like having two mental illnesses in one, there are tooooooooo many symptoms. There needs to be alot more treatment, there aren't any fda approved drugs for BPD which is crazy. Alot of people with BPD don't want to try DBT cause it takes alot of work & committment. Popping a pill for BPD would be so much easier but unfortunately we don't have that luxury.
This is Tanya from Texas. Thank you so much for this video. You have confirmed what I have known all along but was afraid to admit it. I left and I also had a closure, but in 4 yrs my insecurities with him ended with just trusting in the future while he had me tattoo his name for reassurance, take a lie detector, had gps on me, going through my phone records, kicking me and my daughter out when I wanted to do a job interview that he didn't approve of....I am an obviously codependent that comes from me learning to justify my father's abusive actions so that's why I took all this. But after 4 and a half years I finally left for the 20+ time and hope I stay away but omg it is so hard. I rely on God as I tried everything else to keep me away. It's day 10 and it's a big milestone but I have a huge compassion for him and I am fighting to not think if he is hooking up with someone else. Your videos to break the illusion that it can change helped me a lot. I need to do this for my little daughter. What advice would you give me of how to stop obsessing over what he does I am afraid it will make me reach out again. He said I wasn't his person if I leave and he wants a traditional woman who will obey him and his needs, his sister even told me to leave him and I kept coming back. Please help.
As a borderline, these types of videos make me feel doomed for life.
Agreed.
Stop watching them.
Watch borderline notes. Seek out people who are diagnosed who are living a healthier life to watch and get better validation. Maybe come back to these in a healthier frame of mind if you're more interested again.
Promise you aren't doomed. You need to learn to kinda validate yourself first and foremost. Awful but 100% doable.
Promise you aren't a lost cause if you're self aware enough to be on these videos in the first place, the prognosis is actually quite good if you're here and accepting what people are saying, a lot of people's walls are so built up they won't even get this far 🖤
You’re right. Thank you for your reply 💜 I recently started DBT and am more hopeful.
Its humongous... Gargantuan even.
I'm a borderline. I also am diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder. Would you consider doing a video conference interview? I really feel like it would be beneficial to myself and maybe others like me.
This video explains why the BPD would call me dad when she really got mad at me. She said she felt intimidated by me, I didn't let her manipulate me. I was never in a committed relationship with her I always kept her at arms length because I couldn't figure her out. I would have liked to be in a relationship with her because she was smart and educated seemed to be down to earth, with what I know today nope. She was a staff member that I was in charge of. She was a high functioning borderline you'd never know she has issues till she got comfortable with you and took her mask off. She was/is on medications she was in therapy. I was the only one in the group I worked with she showed her ugly side, the others knew she had bit of a temper but not the childish temper/lash out she had with me. It was tiring being a friend with her, it was like dealing with an adult with a child mentality. When she was alone or with me she'd be the empty soul if another staff member showed up she'd perk up and put on her act. How she acted or what she showed was completely different with me than she was with others. I seen the emptiness in her she'd stare off into space I'd ask her if she was okay. As I said in a comment on another video she turned my life upside down, I had a new manager at the time, things were all screwed up. I wasn't paying attention to what the BPD was doing aka plotting revenge against me. She wasn't happy in the committed relationship she was in with another guy she wanted to be with me I wouldn't give her a committed relationship. In the end it was a big blow out I was angry with her, my managers showed their true colors they believed the lies and fabricated stories she came up with. Took a long time to recover from the sh*t storm I went through not just from her. Things did go from a light breeze to a hurricane the destruction happened then I was spit out of the vortex banged up and beat up. I was left thinking WTF happened.
My ex said to me "never ever go away from me" type of shit. Then she "discarded me" 6 months later. You give everything you have to them, because it is NECESSARY for them. Then you thrown away like NOTHING. They are miserable people. No one can save them bro no one. Even the therapist can't save them for my experience. Because they are LYING to their therapists bro, that sucks.
All the analogies you gave, I felt like the same for them bro. I didn't even know what the BPD is.
David, I would like to know if sexual triangulation in the workplace, push and pull dynamics, silent treatment, love bombing me, fear of gossip etc from my Suspected BPD female boss can trigger a manic episode in a bipolar man that has been healthy and stable for 17 years up to that point. She was abusing drugs, drinking and trying to seduce (and getting) coworkers in our store for a year and a half to the point I flipped out and changed stores.
Hello, yes of course. The less stable we feel and the worse we react to stress makes it very possible for people to change who we are and how we feel and control how we react.
I was naturally born with a highly empathic disposition.
For some reason i have absolutely positively no empathy for these sick disgusting people.
Thank god for that, because if i did then i would feel sorry for the person who had damaged me the most.
Beginning to get to that point too... 😅
Compassion will serve you greater.
@@DeMarsCoaching I agree. I have tried.
These are some of the best videos on borderline I’ve come across. It really helps me understand this disorder. I do have a question
Q: I have known a borderline for a year now who has shown interest in me. Sometimes she’s great but sometimes out of the blue she gets pretty dark and holds her toung for most part but when she’s angry she says things like “men are useless” and exhibits passive aggressive tendencies. I now never take the bait. I haven’t expressed romantic interest yet but I can’t help but think she’s trying to get a relationship going but I’m not sure if I’m reading it right. What’s goin on in her head?
Question: How can you distinguish between a person with BPD and a psycopath pretending they have BPD? I know someone who had BPD with one partner, and after discarding him, had something else entirely with another partner (something designed for that new arrangement). I think the truth about all of this is a lot more complex. I also don't think it's about childhood trauma. I think it's something that is inherited (genetically) and the behavior gives rise to an involvement with the environment that causes trauma, both of which create a feedback loop of eternal downward darkness. Compassion yes.. but from a distance.
@@rachelforrester2135 One would think. But what if psychopathy is not a monolithic idea? What if the caricatures we are told in stories are just that? Over simplified narratives designed for the convenience of storytelling? I think there are many kinds of psychopaths in this world, and they are multiplying fast given our society's increasing aversion to truth.
@@A_n_y_t_i_m_e Indeed. I'm aware of this, but thanks for saying it. Question is, how do you know it's not the other way around?
There are generic predisposed elements but the childhood is traumatic. Borderline begins without any healthy bonding and attachment with their Mother. Severe neglect and sexual abuse is extremely common.
As for as pretending to be a psychopath I dont know, their personality is so unstable they will change often.
@@DeMarsCoaching Thanks for responding. My observation is that even if the childhood was perfect, the child would experience trauma. They perceive the environment as monstrous. I got glimpses of this by observing an infant born of a "bpd" mother.
But again I don't think bpd (as it's defined) actually exists in concrete terms. I actually think it's more of a fiction/ shared fantasy created by a particular kind of person interacting with a therapists. Therapists often exhibit savior complexes and a compassionate desire to help and heal others. "bpd's" are inextricably drawn to such people and know how to build a shared fantasy with them.
I think the current DSM description of BPD is the outcome of that shared fantasy. BPD's I believe are people whom are the psychological equivalent to a chameleon. They camouflage according to the environment. This is why they can be extremely high performing individuals in a work place, and completely the opposite with a romantic partner (especially if the bpd is female and the partner is male and of the savior-kind).
So while yes their identity is unstable, it seems incredibly stable and predictive to the environmental circumstances which signifies it's within their control and are in fact controlling it. This means it's deliberate, which leads me to believe the psychopathy is at the foundation of it. Because they can be at home one morning and be a complete mess with their partner but an hour later go to work and be perfectly fine. And consistently so. All hell breaks loose, however, if the environments collide (the work and their partner come into contact with each other). Or she develops romantic feelings for a coworker. This is why they insist on keeping their work, their friends, their partner, in isolation of each other.
Perhaps in order to "heal" the bpd, you'd have to force her to bridge all of her worlds together. Allow her partner to be part of her friend group and allow her partner to be part of her work life, etc. Then she would gradually have to develop a stable singular person. Chances are she'd throw a fit or poison pill such an arrangement until a partner had no desire to bridge her worlds together.
Is this the same for every type?
Maybe we all have something, but maybe it is not extremely painful for our loved ones, and that changes everything.
I’ve been on the fence for years.. but this video just assured me, I need to be asexual/aromantic. I will never be well enough to date anyone. This is profound and true. Maybe next life time.
Hey David Weronika here from the Netherlands
I know what😢you mean,but I have ocd, cptss en the list goes on
But when you seek help there is no excuse