The Psychology of Clutter: A Therapist’s Point of View
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- Опубліковано 4 жов 2024
- For the February meeting of the Houston Clutter Coaching meetup, we were pleased to welcome guest speaker Rosa Glenn Reilly, the founder and director of the Spectrum Center in Houston. Rosa enjoys a successful consulting practice working with individuals and couples in the areas of intimacy, adult development, and crisis and trauma resolution, with a special focus on primary-care providers. Her gentle yet direct approach includes a body-centered psychotherapeutic methodology with a non-denominational spiritual awareness.
In this session, Rosa discussed how the things that we collect reflect our inner life. She explored the emotional roots of clutter and the mental blocks that prevent us from letting go.
I am struggling with depression, bulimia, my constantly messy house, ADHD, borderline personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder. I feel an insurmountable pressure to raise my 3 children in a healthy way, with all my issues it feels impossible. Thank God for you tube and all the self improvement videos 💖my kids are the only reason I'm still here🙏
Hang in there, Meaghan - your children are so glad you're there with them. I hear that your burden is a lot to bear. I hope you have good support to help you. I wish you well and happy!
When I had my first kid in 2000 I had the same objectives.
What was most helpful to me was "Love and Logic" parenting classes, a book "How to raise self reliant children in a self indulgent world" and Boy Scouts. I also was in a church Moms group for 6 or 7 years and advice from other moms along with watching patterns of families with older kids.
Just like churches, not all Scout groups are the same so gotta find a good fit for your family. Our scout master was a mountain man, not a paperwork junkie and that really helped my kids in areas my parents hadn't taught me.
On the parenting classes, you can find used materials on eBay. There are some therapists that specialize in that method.
Just remember don't look back or you will live in the past. Look to what you can do in the next 5mintues and branch out from there. One snag I had was to be mindful that what structure worked at one age might not work later.
God lent you these children to teach them what you know, what to avoid and how to be great. Have faith in that. Some of my largest parenting failures were from heeding "one size fits all" type of advice from professionals. They hadn't lived it so they just quoted text books.
One man's trash is another man's treasure. I never throw away (waste) anything goo. So I keep a cardboard in the house, and when I don't want somethin anymore I put it in there, and when the box is full, I write "free stuff" on it and take it to a laundry matt in town. We live in a small town and don't have Goodwill or anything like that. Laundry matt's are a good place to leave stuff. It gives others a little thrill to look thru and get what they want.
Wonder Granny great idea, bless u
The best book I've ever read on this topic is called "The Joy of Less" by Francine Jay. I bought the audio book and listened to it at least 5 times in the car. It changed my life, totally. I have since decluttered my entire house and I now have soooo much less stress in my life. I HIGHLY recommend this book!
"Good bye things" good book as well
Many thanks, I have been researching "declutter your home" for a while now, and I think this has helped. Ever heard of - Vanonnor Tenhloe Equalizer - (search on google ) ? Ive heard some awesome things about it and my m8 got great results with it.
As a hoarder that knows it needs to stop, on your recommendation I have purchased that book, thank you for the info Jeff C and great talk The Clutter Fairy, thank you.
@@joanneaderby2974 you’ve got this girl - hope you were successful
Thank you
I found this to be a really facinating discussion and have come back to view it several times over the last 2 years and learned something each time that I missed before. Thank you for having her.
I started cluttering because I was doing METH, this new drug you can buy online... It would nail me to my couch, I was always in a dizzy sort of world but at the same time, I was realizing that "things" were piling up... As I did realize how ugly my house had become, I didn't let anyone in anymore, not even the plumber when my heating broke down. A first step (as I pictured it in my mind) would be to create storage devices in order to solve the problem so I used to manufacture nice colorful boxes (from my couch!) in order to be able to clear up my clutter and store the nice things I had away but at the same time my body wasn't responding anymore, the METH was consuming my bones, it would hurt all over just to stand up on my feet for more than 5 minutes... So the boxes started piling up on the rest of the clutter! Fortunately, my guardian angel decided to intervene as I didn't and would never have had the will to stop, even though I realized I was doing really badly, what happened is that the online shop *robbed me of 500 euros*, so I stopped on the dot. I slept for about two months (after 3 years of METH), now I can say that I'm feeling a lot better, that was more than a year ago, I'm still not back as before and maybe I will never be, but I can stand up on my feet for 2\3 hours in a row so I can say today that I CLEARED UP MY HOUSE ENTIRELY AND I LOVE IT!!! Although I have never watched these sort of tutorials before... I am discovering them now and realize that I did everything right on my own, by my instinct and everything turned out perfect!
This is a new chance for a new start, the first people to come in are maintenance workers, I had an electrician, a roof specialist and a painter, and no-one made a funny face when they came in, as it now seems just a normal, ordinary home with nice colored boxes neatly on the shelves... The next one will be the heating, and a plumber for some new appliances, then, not ashamed of myself anymore, I will start again showing off my renewed house to friends and relatives and be proud of it!!!!
Thank you, my Guardian Angel... Whoever you are...
ts i Thank you for sharing your story! Thank goodness your Guardian Angel helped you come back to your life. I'm happy for you that you're feeling better and living in a space that you feel comfortable about showing to others. That's a wonderful comeback story - thanks again for sharing it with us!
I am nailed to the couch without the Meth. I am glad you feel like you conquered a good life again.
You described a situation I helped to
De-clutter. I’m so glad you are healing❤️
very enlightening to me...I am 65 and just diagnosed with Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (Lupus overlap disease) I started to declutter and its taking me weeks....Tons of stored 'stuff"...I don't want to live like this anymore....its a real comittment to finish this task...Im getting there slowly...All the stuff I saved none of my kids will truly care about even tho I have kept them for them...stuff, in reality , I know they will throw out!!Your teaching is fantastic to me to finally understand (what I already know is dysfunctional!)
+DIANE HILL It sounds like you are really accomplishing a lot!! Keep going. You're doing great!!
Thank you very much for inviting Rosa Glenn Reilly to have this discussion. I find her to be very, very knowledgable on the topics at hand (hoarding, clutter, sentimentality, collections, attaching inaminate objects to feelings or people etc.). She is a pleasure to listen to and most importantly, to believe. I am sure her practice is a success.
This 52 minute talk helped me identify a few of my own problems; some of which I have been trying to figure out for the last 10 years. Thanks again.
Thank YOU for summing up MY feelings on watching/listening to this wonderful teacher!👏👏👏💖🏅
Incorporating clutter clearing into the weekly clean up is an effective way I found. It's not item based but space based. This surface or drawer or cupboard has to be cleared today so like a hurricane you descend on it and clear it completely and wipe the surface or drawer etc. That's the easy but. Now with all the contents in s basket you too it out and sort it by type and return each item to its natural home ie where it will be used now or later. Each week something ends up going to the door where bags are waiting to be dropped off to various places whether bin, charity shop or specific people. The clean sweep is always v therepuetic
Excellent!
I would like to speak to the need to get rid of an object "to the right place". For me, it is not perfectionism . It is me wanting to find someone somewhere that understands the value of what that object is: what it meant to me when I acquired the object. Sadly, the generations have changed--times have changed--things are outdated yet not valuable. How do we address the loss? How do we address that this thing we worked so hard for, or learned from, or has sculpted who we are, how do we admit it is worthless? How do we accept the value and understand that the value in ourselves is still there even though we throw the object in the trash?
I liked the description of perfectionism as "the narrowing of possibilities" for disposing of items.
I have felt why I am stuck is because me keeping all my stuff is a control thing for me. A lot was taken from me as a child,..... security, father's love, home, so I keep now that I am an adult and in control of my own life. Idk how to break the cycle tho.
Thank you so much for this video. She is SUCH a good speaker, open, smiling and she has such a good, loving energy, calming presence. I would love to see more of her consulting in videos, I would definetely go to her website if there was one and subscribe a monthly pay or whatever.
First-class explanation with tips on overcoming the hurdles! Nice to know that even my brainwaves differ from those without the cluttering/hoarding urge. Very good presentation.
Please speak to the subconscious use of clutter to distance ourselves from others after emotion trauma. Do I create and allow the clutter so that I KNOW in my rational mind that the house is not fit for visitors because I am afraid of letting anyone that close to me again for fear of being hurt again?
Absolutely. Clutter can be used as a very effective stradegy to stay safe from getting close to anyone again. The subconscious mind is very clever about avoiding pain. To break open this combination of physical acting out of the fear and emotional avoidance, the person cluttering may have to go back and forth addressing one and then the other. The task is to work with reconciling the loss or betrayal that drives you to barricade yourself, then work with uncluttering until the anxiety hits and then go back to the emotional work. Journaling can really help this process.
sebern2 YES! This is so true with me too..I've come to realize that this is one of the reasons I do this. Recognizing that is a major step towards healing!
Yes, I always wonder at the therapists on "Hoarders," who keep trying to motivate people with, "so people can visit." Don't they know that's the last thing some people want.
sebern2 WOW! I bet that's me trying to protect myself from constant loss of almost all my close people! That was a FABULOUS QUESTION!
Esmeralda Miranda Thank you! I never knew this & it makes perfect sense!
Very interesting & insightful!
Rosa is so great!
ROSA GLENN REILLY, you are very
Helpful !
Wow, thanks so much. Rosa Glenn Reilly, you have a lovely manner.
Useful background info on why some of us cling to things even if we know that decluttering would be better for us.
Thanks so much for the suggestions and most of all the rational behind cluttering and hoarding. Seeing the reasons behind my problem makes me feel more normal. Deciding to do one small task at a time works for me. Also throwing a dinner party gets me thrown into action!
Thank you so much. I have a hard time getting rid of my son's toddler toys. I lost a large box of pictures and the toys helped me remember how cute and sweet by baby was. I am at the point when I can donate everything to the nearest goolwill store. I feel guilty to throw them out. Toys are in perfect condition. My son said he wants to keep them for when he has kids. I laughed and told him his kids will want new toys. I told him he can keep one toy. Wish me luck. They are being donated tomorrow. Ps. Yes I went through a Divorce too. I want my new life now.
"collections" are such a slippery slope. They can devolve into shopping addiction and are one of the most common excuses for hoarding. To me the key characteristics of a true collection are specificity (pre 1900 porcelain dolls vs dolls in general), rarity/quality of individual items, how many collections an individual is cultivating, whether or not the items are displayed vs. sitting in a box in a closet or stacked in a corner, and the individual relationship to each item.
Very helpful information. I never realized clutter was a manifestation of all these things..I saw myself in many of them. Thank you!!
Really enjoyed listening to this speaker. Thank you very much for sharing this.
Thank you so much. Very insightful and helpful. Just get rid of a lot of useless things today.
Thank you so much. There is so much good stuff in here. I don't care about the background noise or the ums and ahhs, thank you for sharing your gifts with the world!! Amazing insights. There are billions of people on this earth and YOU have blessed this one and numerous others.
This guest speaker Rosa Glenn Reilly is a genius about the topic. Amazing. People with hoarding/clutter issues should all listen to this to motivate them and to literally change their ways. It really hit home and gave me the freedom to give things away to charity, rather than "save" them for my kids, their kids, to sell, and whatever other excuse I came up with to justify my "stuff".
The inheritance issue stems from a combination of people living longer on average, and the destruction of the family unit in society. In the past families lived together for a much longer period.. both while children were younger and again after parents grew older. It was considered normal for parents to invest in their children as adults once they reached that state, which usually did not occur until they were married and often even longer than that. Wealth, both monetary and in property/items was distributed differently. Children would enter their adult lives taking resources from the parents, raise their own kids while building their own estate, invest in those kids at the mid point in their lives, and then would assume the estate of the parent, along with the care of the parent. It was a cycle. Now everyone lives in this "me" society. Our elders are considered "burdens", care is passed on to someone else or too often just ignored. Our kids are expected to be independent of the family unit from a comparatively early age. Dependence on the family unit is seen as a fault and instead we have multiple independent households that require more "stuff" while living in isolation.. what is even more sad is that we are all so busy working to pay for the stuff, while being selfish about our own interests, we have lost the majority of the social/familial connections/benefits as well.
Extremely insightful. Would have given more than one thumb up if possible.
This was so interesting to listen to thank you 😊 I have adhd diagnosed last year at 31 and so many of my clutter tendencies make sense. I also have dyspraxia. As I let go which has been much easier (after many letting goes over 10 years) I find myself nervous: soon I won’t have the clutter distraction and i will actually have no excuse not to live my dreams and do what I want to do rather than organising my stuff in my free time. Scary but also just another obstacle if I want it to be.
Thank you. This was very validating for me to help me understand why I have so much difficulty tackling my mess. I have always felt like things were alive in a sense especially pics and dolls and letters or cards or things that belonged to people that died etc.
thank you so much for your presentation. wonderful useful helpful information. definitely two thumbs up 👍👍
Watch at 1:75x speed if you haven’t got too much time :)
Miss Rosa...
Just wanted to drop a line and say thank you for a jaw dropping revelation into my own psyche. Maybe I have forgotten, but I don't remember ever hearing the psychology behind my clutter issues stated so succinctly and mind blowing.
At almost 44, my clutter and inaction is really getting me depressed. Grant it, my bad back and lack of energy hasn't helped. So to get movitated I decided to only read or listen to things about organization which helps alot. It keeps me motivated.... but I still feel overwhelmed and unable to make that first decision. I happened across this video and found answers I didn't realize I was seeking.
My mother was a baby boomer and stuff collector, nice things represented success, very crafty.
Preschool and kindergarten diagnosed with ADHD
From ages 6 to 7/8? I was molested by the 19 yr old son of family friends. I began to overeat. School counselors said I was a bully, family and family friends said I all of a sudden had so much anger. I remembered being bullied at school until we moved to a country school and everything changed for the better.
Age 13 I was molested by my 23 yr old cousin. (thankfully only once and learned quickly to never let myself be alone with him). Suddenly I had OCD and perfectionism badly. I went from barely getting by in school to perfect grades. My father was disabled and we were really poor growing up in the country so I was in charge of doing the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting. But I took on so much more. Thinking it was my responsibility and my brother was so stupid and inept that he couldn't be trusted to do anything. Unfortunately my parents needed that help and so they enabled me. At 13, I suddenly changed from a typical pre teen with piles of clothes and stuff everywhere to every thing had a place, and everything was spotless.
I met a guy my Junior/Senior summer. About 1/4 of the way into my Senior year, my mom suggested birth control as my BF and I had become engaged. She wanted to make sure I didn't get pregnant before completing college. I graduated Valedictorian 1990 admittedly wasn't hard, there were only 12 of us, married my fiance and I began attending college for Nursing on a full scholarship that summer. We were always taught that kids outgrew ADHD. It wasn't until maybe the last 5 years that I realized I never did. The lack of parental imposed structure, just married and birth control caused me to spiral into a very deep depression. I remember even thru the depression I would rather turn in an incomplete on an assignment rather than turn in a less than perfect paper. Eventually I had to drop out of college, found the cause of my depression was the birth control pills. I don't remember most of my life in that time, I would have never married had I not been on birth control.
I tried going back to college, but couldn't stay focused especially with the health of my father and mother failing. After first my grandmother, then my father passed away 3 months later, and I ended up having to use the money I had set aside for living expenses so I could focus on the 18 hrs I was taking just bury them, I finally just didn't go back. I just told myself I would return to college after my Mom had passed and I could concentrate. I ended up driving a truck. And I was able to support my mom until she passed away. But I just kept driving truck as it soothed the ADHD in me. At one point I came out of the truck into the office, but eventually became so frustrated that I went back out on the road. A pattern that seemed to repeat in my life. Eventually I recognized that frustration as anxiety and with Zoloft found some relief from the anxiety. But it never went away completely. My OCD and perfectionism eased a bit as well, but not entirely. I came off the road again when I met my now husband to see if what we had was worth pursuing towards marriage. It only took me about 20 years to think about trying that institution again. Lol.
I went into the office again and am highly regarded as a dispatcher, load planner and sales. Marriage is going great... been off the road for 4 years now and am starting to feel that familiar burn, anxiety, overwhelmed and frustration at not being perfect at my job. My father said a job worth doing is job worth doing right. In the past 1.5 years that has been a lot of changes at work. From my immediate supervisors to the involvement of the owners to moving into a new building where I have no contact with the drivers and way to many distractions of people walking by etc. I feel like I am spinning out of control. 2 years ago we moved into our much larger and nicer apartment and we still don't have much furniture and we are surrounded by boxes. I can't seem to get motivated to begin putting the stuff away. Until today...
When I learn where and why my inability to let things go sometimes is soooo difficult. Your points regarding "afraid to make the wrong decision" and the sweater set were so dead on, I too have an irrational regret. To find out that my love of many things old and "sturdy" and "well made" come from a place of fear because I couldn't trust myself or adults not to "hurt" me, not to make me feel like I had no control. That my feelings of not knowing who my biological father and his family were made me hold on tightly to things from the family members I do/did know.
And finally the reasons for having so much trouble letting go of collections, the fear that letting go of those collections was like letting go of a piece of myself, erasing who I was....
Thank you for this... here is to re-homing the stuff I don't need and the stuff that has been weighing me down!
+Angel Grider-Sturgill I am so happy that you received some personal revelations from the information in my talk on the psychology of clutter. Often we need small doors to open into our psyche bringing our own self-understanding and self-compassion to melt some of the struggle and make a bit of change possible.
I applaud your courage to look at your life and make some choices about the life you want now. There is a time in our 40’s where we can begin to take some steps to not be defined by our past. You seem right on schedule! Not everyone makes that decision. I applaud you for taking a turn in that direction. Keep going!
Wishing you the very best ~
Rosa Glenn Reilly
Angel Grider-Sturgill I just read your story, sending you positivity in making new choice and making a new life.
This lovely therapist is in a sea
If old idiots
She can’t wait to get away from these assholes
Plenty of reasons for cluttering, and why we clutter. We need reasons to break free of the clutter, or a mindset to no longer tolerate the mess.
re-purposing/ recycling is great. I got a top from a friend and turned it into a cushion over, why not? we are responsible to preserve our environment and the resources. that doesn't mean we have to keep it all to ourselves, pass things on and exercise not to buy. thank you for your talk.
This is a gem!
Rosa knows her stuff!
I don't think she was given the opportunity to answer the question about success stories because that guy interrupted her answer about the books. I would very much have liked hearing about whether people are truly able to conquer clutter or if it's just something that clutter sufferers just have to come to terms with.
One suggestion I have about decluttering is to take pictures or even short videos of mementos and things that are taking up physical space and then throw the item out. This way, you will always have an image and the memory of that item, but you won't have make space to store it. This doesn't work for all things, but certainly sentimental items (such as the "scholar" statue we got for my father when he completed his GED).
I have been trying to declutter and I have found that tip so useful! It just makes you feel better about letting the item move on to a new place.
Great speaker with wonderful insight and calming presence! I learned a lot!
She talks so slowly though
Thank-you for your deep sensitivity
@@DrDjOfficial bj
I think about the environment and my responsibility to decrease the trash in our landfills. Throwing it away is irresponsible in my mind. Stop buying so much junk, stop keeping so much junk but give to others in need.
The speaker herself mentioned giving the beanie babies to charity when talking to her grandchild ❤️.
Thank you Gayle and Miss Reiley.....i wish i could be in your group but watching your video will do for now.
really great talk, going to revisit for sure to refresh and pick up anything i missed the first time.
Your videos are priceless, thanks so much for your giving attitude to those in need.
I will listen over and over, till it all sinks in, thanks again .........
I just moved to another state and got rid of 80% if things I owned. I gave away or junked all my old furniture except for my bed. I even gave away dishes and cookware. The only thing I am having trouble with is photographs and my daughter's school stuff, etc.
Patricia Taub I hope you took photos & made a digital file saved to a backup & the cloud. Takes no space.
I gave some of my beanies away to my elementary school riders on my bus 2 years ago and 1/2 my collection to a social services agency this year. They give them to kids who are going thru difficult transitions or situations. I still have some bears tho.
"Clutter can hide a dream that is drowning." Omg yesss! 😰😭🙏😔
thank you for this ...i will follow your channel...i am a big time clutterer
Paper is a real problem. Takes up space can give a musty smell and is a fire risk. I am scanning and saving on my hard drive the advantage is also I can copy the hard drive and keep a CD copy in the garden shed. Then if I have a fire my memory's are safe.
Very helpful. Thank you very much!
Very useful insight/advice on this behavior.
Good information. Thanks.
If I can never ski again I want to keep the skis so I can remember those days wistfully.
The comments about the background noise are tickling me lol!!! I can still hear her just fine...
I drive an extra 5 miles to save $7 on my grocery bill. Why should I get rid of something that cost me $15, but will never use again?
Because you'll never use it. What would be the point? I wonder, how much does it cost in petrol and time to drive an extra 5 miles to the shop and back? Your saving less than $7 really.
I had this video saved from years ago. So glad.. I’m relistening to it! I have soon to be TEN kids and we accumulate things and it’s driving me to misery.
This video was most helpful - thank you.
Great information. Can really make a person explore and uncover the true reason behind his/her "collecting."
Excellent work. Explains a lot where I am concerned
Thank you Ms. Reilly for focusing on perfectionism as it contributes to rationalizing not getting rid of things or feeling like we have to give things away to the right people or places. Also, I appreciated how you discussed collections and how we often hold onto outgrown identities. So much of de-cluttering is about facing who we are now and where we want to go. I wonder though if the tiny house trend isn't extreme though and more a reaction to the having it all baby boomer mentality. Maybe, we can reach a happy medium. It also might speak to the emphasis on being more mobile in our culture versus how we used to put down roots (I'm thinking about these tiny homes on wheels you see on the home TV shows). Thanks for talking about how to get started when one feels overwhelmed by breaking it down into a small task. Perfectionism certainly can block me with that too.
+Margaret Humphreys Hi Margaret - I'm so glad the talk inspired some new thoughts about this important and often frustrating topic. Tiny houses are certainly not something most people can pull off but I do see the movement as part of the global conversation we are having about "stuff", identity and what is enough. I agree it is a bit extreme to downsize to a few 100 sq ft but I trust that those who go in that direction re-boot their concepts and find their own answers to these questions.
This was such a great episode, I would love to see her back on your show!
Keep up the good work !!!
I was search for psychological explanation, I didn’t find any videos, after long search I finally find this good video. Thank you very much
Suganthiny Sriharathas I’m glad it was helpful!
I've done the trick of inviting people over. I give myself a couple of days to make sure I have enough time to get things in order in time :-)
Yes! Invite folks over. Clean & straighten the public rooms of the house, like the kitchen, living room, and the bathroom. And, close the bedroom doors. We can create some positive pressure & accountability in our lives by inviting others in! Serve coffee & dessert (and, maybe it's a purchased dessert). Not a lot of people - maybe 2 ladies, or one couple. A DEADLINE is one of God's provisions for us, to move us forward. BR
I have done that too! My dog gets excited every time he sees me cleaning because he knows people are coming over! LOL
My friends hear me say that I have a lot of clutter. But since I clean before they come they always say there is nothing wrong with your house. It looks neat and tidy. I laugh and say this is the show room you haven't seen the ware house yet!
Why??? If they can't except the way you live then don't bother inviting them. It's your haven
Lavern Reynolds Who cares what the folks think or say.
Thank you. Very clear.
Thank you for this!
Rosa Glenn Reilly is the presenter
I have reconsidered donating books. If they are general interest books, bring them to the emergency room. When you are there as a patient, you grab any magazine, and then when you go to X-ray or wherever, you take the magazine with you. ER has no more reading material. People are stuck there for hours.
+Gayle Goddard I JUST CANNOT WIN. Now I want to go to Goodwill, buy 100 books and bring them to the ER department.
I’m so perplexed by myself. I’m a 36 year old male that suffered traumatic loss at 7 when I lost my father. I also suffered the trauma of a cheating ex that basically dissolved the time with our son to just weekends for me. He’s now 15. I’ve spent years hoarding and collecting our memories and can’t help but continue to gather , store and save objects and items. A lot of what I consider collectibles but other things I know are worthless minus the thought or memory from that item. But if this woman was to ask me about me car or cars, they are spotless. I wash my car a few times a week, vaccuum all the time and wipe down the interior free of any debris or dust and never leave trash in the car. I go as far as to buckle all the seat belts that aren’t being used. I know I’m a mess lol.
You're not a mess! You're just a guy who is trying to process some loss and trauma. I'll ask Rosa to chime in here also, as she's the expert in this field, but it sounds like you have developed some habits to cope with your traumas that are now getting in the way of your life running smoothly. Process the traumas and then you can tackle the habits, or you might be able to work on them at the same time. I hope you'll reach out for some professional help because your burden of loss is a heavy one. Professionals can help you carry it and make it lighter. It's always worth some monetary investment for your mental health! Best of luck to you!
Wow this video is great (psychologically) especially now with being at home in the middle of a pandemic when you have to look at your items all day long. Good to get a grip and release items
Putting sentimental value on some thing is an idea that was impressed upon us when we were little by our parents. I was shamed by my parents and grandparents for not having a sentimental value on items and being able to give things away or throw them away. They told me that I was ungrateful for not “valuing” things and keeping them. I always thought there was something wrong with me for not valuing things, because I was shamed. Anyway, I have nothing really and I love it! It is ok to get rid of stuff we really don’t like or use. I just need to watch these videos to remind me that I was not wrong in “not” wanting their items that they loved so much. I am free without things. I have ADHD and having things drives me insane because that is all I can think about is what I have to do with things and storing them and such. Things steal my freedom away. Things are NOT treasures, they are junk and have no value if they are not being used for a purpose. I don’t need a photo or my kids first grade report card for a memory, I have a memory in my head that stores all that and I can recall a memory of what my granny looks and sounds like and even smells like and feels like. I don’t need her outdated, useless, items cluttering up my house and life. Much love to all of us who need to keep our places and hearts free of unnecessary items.
Beautiful and helpful speech
Thank you!
OMG!!!! This all makes SOOO MUCH SENSE!!!!! THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!!! It is absolutely devastating to keep getting rid of more of my things even though I've already given away a house and a half, I've lost all my close family, partner to suicide & more & more people I was meeting & creating bonds with keep dying & moving & im always abandoned...since my father left my bio mother, I felt her feelings & also the feelings of being given up for adoption & then in an incubator-no mother & no name for months till I gained weight. Then more trauma growing up! And now I'm abandoned again!
Yes! The minute you throw something out that you really love & want to keep--you need it the next week!!! I'll NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!! Other people think it's ok to tell you to get rid of & have thrown some of my stuff out & THEY CANNOT EVEN THROW OUT THEIR OWN STUFF!!!
And I too grieve for this 1doll that my mother gave away! And she always knew when my father & I threw some of her "junk" away! And EVERY TIME, someone needed that which we threw out!
So...I was adopted, have all those things you mentioned, plus my parents did grow up in the depression era & my father wouldn't talk about some of his childhood bcuz he had to stop grade school to work bcuz his parents drank their money & his $ as well!
Omg! I'm clostraphobic, so those who want to get rid of their big places, contact me! Lol! 😉👍🏻
It is absolutely overwhelming! You NEED TO DO IT W/SOMEONE!!!! It's absolutely devastating when you have memories attached to your possessions, which you can no longer make with your family or loved ones bcuz all are deceased! It's HORRIBLE!
My mother became a nurse in the early forties & everything had to be perfect for them to pass & become nurses! Well...many that my mother knew, as well as she, tried to raise their children like that & growing up I , w/several types of ADD, Depression & off the charts Anxiety, then PTSD @ 12 yrs of age, just could not get done anything close to what my mother could! Never had that stamina & still don't! I remember her saying to me about children who could make their beds at a very young age, why don't you do that?? These children on tv can do it! All I could think of was that Bcuz I had no sense of time & not much energy, that it appeared to take me the whole day! Nor had or have I the stamina to do so & I always knew I would never be able to do what she could!!! She herself worked herself so hard she ended up on disability at 58 when I was on my way to my first year of college! And I worked like a dog & I am now on disability!
Big thanks to The Amen Clinic for all their testing & findings in Reston, VA! They found all the slowed impulses, under & over active brain functions & how I'm mostly stuck in beta!
Thank you, Ms Riley, for posting this video! I have been trying to get help in this area & was told I don't have a problem! Well, apparently she was wrong! Do you know anyone in the Western Mass area who deals w/this?? A therapist - skilled & not fresh out of college??
DONT GIVE UP YOUR OLD CLOTHES OR HOBBY STUFF IF YOU STILL WANT THEM! I DID & REGRET IT TO THIS DAY!!! HERE! GO W/YOUR GUT!
Also, do people who suffer from the hoarding seem to have issues w/being awake & alert at night & drained & sleeping during the day?!?!?! I was told it was from the imbalance of Melatonin due to Candida Albicans in my intestine & that I had probably had this since a young child & I'm guessing that Naturopath was correct! Any sleep problems w/this that you know of??
PS Gayle? Any relation to the New Thought teacher Neville Goddard?!?!?! Love his lectures!
wow, you sound like me, so very tired of the pain. If I had a gun I would use it. Now 64 and no one wants me around! all the best to you,hope that you find peace.
I'm so lethargic. It's so hard to declutter for me..
4:50 about the inheritance of closets full of things, houses and basements full of things from parents or relatives "and that is quite unique to our culture" Do you mean "human culture" or "western people culture" or just American people culture? because I am from Italy and still got all my childhood valuables and memories, most things hand-made, my parents come from the war and after-war period so they would be reluctant to throw things away, either useful or precious as artisan manufactures. So I have really many things, both mine and my parent's things, but in my home there is no clutter, everything is exposed or either hung up on the wall, what I regularly dispose of are (new) things I don't use anymore, clothes, wrappings and cardboard\shoe boxes, for the rest I have chosen a space where to store every single thing together in the same place, a box with lightning cables, one for the batteries, one for the hairbrushes, the stationary is on one shelve with every item separated, one box for the glues, one for the markers, one for the printing paper and a multiple case box for the smaller things like erasers and sharpeners and clips and elastics... etc. Inheriting stuff is not unique to Americans, it happens to everyone in the world! Then that doesn't mean that you must throw everything away otherwise you will have no space for your stuff, what matters is to organize your stuff...
Wow! So much great info!
Background noise is very distracting.
My family thinks you need to hang onto everything forever. Things are not people. I don't need things to remember my loved ones. I will always love my family and have them in my heart but I don't need some item from the past to keep to be happy. Sone of my favorite activities are donating to thrift shops and going to the dump. To be unburdened is so freeing. Once it is gone I never feel regret. I appreciate this particular speaker.. it's interesting to hear the psychological aspects of clutter.
Elle scooter : Things are not people but I can understand why someone would keep their childhood teddy-bear, for example. There's definitely something nice about being able to hold a physical letter that someone has written or the actual book you loved as a child. I agree, that it's important to be selective, otherwise you could easily become drown under by keeping every picture that little Jimmy ever painted or every shopping list that Grandma ever wrote.
I agree- a few select things are great. But there are those who see everything as important. It's one thing to have a keepsake on your dresser or in a drawer, but to have a garage stuffed to overflowing is another. When rooms become unusable do to storing old stuff it's time to take a serious look at what you're keeping and why.
Elle Scooter : There is an extreme of keeping way too much but I think the pendulum sometimes swings the other way as well. I think people can get a sort of rush and a high from clearing stuff out and suddenly they're nearly taking the house doors of their hinges in order to have one less thing in the house.
Smithpolly I would have to say, given the choice, I'd prefer to fall into the "giving away too much" camp. While the house might appear too vacant, it would be far easier to maintain and keep clean, freeing my time up and leaving me free of the stress created by having too much clutter about.
I have found it easiest to take a few items out each week (or several times a week) for donation rather than large hauls. For me it's easier to whittle down the lot a bit at a time. Once it's gone, I forget it and move on.
Elle scooter : Too much. Too little. Isn't keeping the right amount an option?
Dealing with clutter is ~7:45 "working a piece for the collective". This gives higher purpose to addressing our collective emotional addiction to stuff. Let me be grateful for both my successes and failures. Identity and what is important.
The ashmar of eating and smacking of food during this lecture is such a distraction. Did I mention the keys? omg
Clutter- So very true.
I have a lot of fabrics, and sewingmachine. I sew over 35 years in waves. Sometimes I not sew for years and I sew for a couple of years. Do I get rit of all every time, and if a want to sew buy a new one.
I really need help. I feel like a bad human being because i do have tooooo much stuff and my home looks cluttered. I dont like people to come over because of this problem. I try to clean and mostof the time i dont know where to start.
Takes time. Start with one corner of a room and only do that one spot. Then work around the parameter of the room. I'm doing it now. Usually takes me at least three days to do one room. Day one, start one spot, get distracted by other things in the room. Lots of wasted time. Day two is easier because I can go into that space and continue also working on things thought about on day one. Day three most of the work is done. Some things are left because I have not found a home for them yet (to be determined by how much is cleared from where it should be). Good luck.
You could send books to the countries that have no books in English so that children/young people learning English could practice reading skills
why all the background noise? it is hard to hear what you are saying.
My eardrums especially appreciate the hacking coughers...
yes it is difficult to hear when the rustlings starts. i like this video a lot. getting a lot out of it. Nature2rude. sharing how the noise is distracting is valid. i know this is not Ted talks but it doesn't exempt one from expressing their views, comments, etc.
I'm sorry, but I think you're being over sensitive.
@@danlc95 get over yourself!
@@highstandards6226 - Have you listened to it with ear buds?
Try it.
It might change your perspective.
I seriously wish our would get rid of the mic in the audience. I have heard so much rustling fabric, burping, soda cans being opened etc. that it is driving me to distraction. There is no reason to have a mic working in the audience during your presentation. During a question and answer period it is helpful but not the entire talk. Thank you.
Nota CoinCollector Sorry, there's no separate microphone in the audience. There's only one MIC on top of the camera that picks up the speaker and surrounding sounds. Didn't realize this one had so much noise, but the crowd was very large for this topic. Downside of a smaller room with a big group!
@@TheClutterFairy ❤️
Thank you but the volume is too soft
Cleaning Threshold: Originally thought up by the psychologist Paul Chump, for which he was awarded the Nobel Prize in Psychology in 1989, the cleaning threshold is embodied by the well known motto: a man works from sun to sun, and that's enough. According to Chump, men are stronger than dirt, and they demonstrate their prowess by refusing to be cowed by dust bunnies the size of jackrabbits, and leaning towers of dirty dishes that would make their counterpart in Pisa look small. This is a sign of strength, although women in their weakness refuse to admit it. Whereas women would be inclined to vacuum the entire house upon noticing a stray hair, men appreciate the natural order of things, and will only be sparked into action when the dust on the TV screeen totally obscures the game, and when there is only one clean fork left to be had. The much higher cleaning threshold in men frees up a lot of time that could be better spent writing that great novel, becoming a titan of industry, or sleeping on the couch.
from Dr. Mezmer's Dictionary of Bad Psychology, at doctormezmer.com
lots of rude rustling and rattling papers in the back ground. very distracting
Better late than never: really, the fault is on the camera person. For this, you'd use a microphone that doesn't pick up everything, just her. It would be a shotgun mic or configuration on a switchable mic. You wouldnt want stereo, like this is.
So how much did you pay to listen and watch this? Focus.
I can't hear ...audio is not the best
I've been de-cluttering our home. I can't stand it. It's papers I have problems with clutter. I learned it from my father, it's so hard to break. My mother is the opposite. She keeps her home 🏡 very clean. I know how to clean very well. Please give advice to break the "paper" clutter.
I'm buying a big "paper" shredder to get rid of the paper clutter
JFJ C you
Use a scanner. Store 2 copies of EVERYTHING! ONE ON your harddrive, one in the cloud, and keep the hard copies for the 7 years necessary for federal necessity of taxes(if or where applicatible.)
hahha.so true.i just gave away anigue plates coming from my grandma and ma.........prefer just buying some chep ones from Ikea.lol!!!!!!!!! my sons should buy what they need as they like them!who wants their negative events in a dish?furniture?wow...........enjoyed this.:)
mal leve .
This was good but can that person chew any louder? honestly -__-
My personal theory is that being overweight and cluttered is a distraction from your own “Thing”. Everybody knows how to clean up and loose weight, but they don’t because it exposes the “Thing” that isn’t resolved. It exposes the nerves, and the best defense is to regain weight or mess up the house again.
I passed the MBIT test and I am an INFP! Among the 16 personalities mine is the most distracted! Can I really move behond what is innate?
The issue truly boils down to the pyche. It's often times some depression or just plain laziness or the pure refusal to put things back....
Or having several life tragedies one on type of the other..
For help with decluttering, take Kathy Roberts' course @ thetidytutor.com.
I have three dead computers with full hard drives of files. I am afraid to get transferred to an external hard drive by someone. So, I keep the towers, all three...for years! I am afraid to find out that the darned hard drives are corrupt now and all the stuff is lost.
I hoard files on my computer so I can get the info again. But, there are so many bookmarks and files...I can never find anything when I want it. It's really insane. Now we have bigger and bigger external hard drives, not huge but T bites..multiple T bites.
deafinseattle1 but what about experiencing the joy if the files are good? Face the fear and be free of the towers.
Background noise ruined this video. The chewing was the worst.
Considering there is a spectrum of hoarding. Do the different types of hoarding habits reflect on the trauma or problem that had began the problem. I know a mother of four children three of which are girls ages 9 to 13 her son is almost 19. I believe three of the children will be hoarders as well. It is very sad because they have no clue how to do normal tasks which are involved in maintaining a proper living environment. I had once suggested five years ago she make a chart and award stickers to the children when they complete a chore successfully. She refused to try the suggestion stating they dont know how to do anything. My response was well that is why you are responsible in teaching normal functions such as folding laundry, cleaning dishes picking up trash sweeping floors etc. The 13 year old actually drops the plastic from freeze pops on the floor where ever she is at the time she finishes it. She doesnt comprehend the fact that it is not proper to not discard wrappers plastic drink containers soda cans. It is appalling and quite sad to think about how she must be if she is over a friends house I assume the parent must think the girl is excited to be with her friends and doesnt acknowledge the girl actually has no comprehension on how to be civilized but it is only a matter of time that behavior will be looked upon as disrespectful. Her middle daughter is the only one who you will ever see attempting to clean her environment but it had become. She was the only child who wouldnt lose her iPad, iPods, kindle, phone. Some of the belongings these kids lose in their own house for months sometimes never to be recovered because of the absolute disarray. It had gotten to thepint the middle daughter had finally lost her prized belonging because the little safe spot she had under her bed became inundated with trash from her sister's.She had no more control of her things and making a set spot to put things. Her mother made such a big deal about the poor childs loss. She had spoke of the issue as if the girl had always been out of control with no regard for her expensive presents like the other three children I was so furious listening to the mother talk down rather then a knowledge how well she has always kept track of her stuff. Then she had explained how the teacher had used the middle child as an example for her cladd on how she wants the other students to maintain their desks. Rather then share the wonderful accomplishment and praise her daughter she had made the little girl out to be a complete slob around the home and had not seemed to be proud of her . I made sure to point out that she was the only one of the four children that I had ever witnessed keeping order as best she could given the environment she lives in. Is it possible to raise your children to be hoarders even though they had never experienced a traumatic event?Could shediscourage the only child that does not have any hoardercharecteristics by doscoursgging the child and never praising her.I assume the mother may be ashamed her 10 year old is the only one in the household that somehow has the knowledge of how to maintain her enviornment?
the house is a fire trap she had some orginsiation come into liquidate the home because she was selling it and relocating.It only took a few months before the home was out of control. She had such a severe mouse infestation it was unbareable to be inside the home for long between the smell of mice droppings and urine to the dirt dishes rotting produce food that was left all through out the home from the kids just leaving there dinner breakfast etc wherever they pleased. her yard was even worse from the two dogs and the feces throughout the yard you could smell the dog poop throughout the block depending on the wind and the temperature outside. It would instantly choke you. Her house wreaked so bad that once youygot home you had to immediatly disrobe because it stuck the clothing. she has the girls shower at night and dress in there school close to sleep that is how lazy this woman is. Wouldnt that be considere abuse and neglect whwn it is ti that extent
Sorry, I disagree with you, these kids also have an exterior life, a life outside their cluttered house, a life where people actually USE dustbins, at school I believe there are recycling bins so she would have to do like everybody else and use them, also I think she would have been in other people's home and seen the difference so she would have had both examples and may choose for herself the best way to live according to her own well-being. I am a child of a hoarder, and I am neither minimalist nor cluttered, I am perfectly normal. I actually came back to my mom's house to clear up her mess ua-cam.com/video/tgFWII7B2QY/v-deo.html then kept her in my home to live with me and my family happily everafter... ua-cam.com/video/Wa_vWnFtSJs/v-deo.html
Greetings from Italy and God Bless!
ABSOLUTELY
I felt like a lot of this was good, but some of it was encouraging self defeating behavior. For example, 15 minutes at a time, as the lady in the audience suggested, will not get you anywhere. That's a "Flylady" idea and it does not work. It's the weight watchers approach to clutter - try us once and keep on trying for the next decade or so. Instead, for this person, CBT would probably be much more effective. Make a behavioral plan. Check off the number of times she's stuck to the behavior. For example, no more shopping except for what must be bought to live. None. One bag of trash out of the house every single day. All of the dishes washed and put away. Make the bed every day. All laundry dirtied each day is washed, dried, and put away that day. These are easy to measure and self reward for a job well done.
--Hi there. I think that maybe each person is different. I've been working on decluttering my hoard and just struggled all the time feeling overwhelmed with it. I found the Fly Lady with the 15 minute technique and it just clicked for me. Suddenly the overwhelming feeling left when I said all I have to do is 15 minutes. Then I seemed to start liking it and set the timer for 15 more and now, I've been able to continue that up to 8 hours on many spaces in my home!! I've also started a regular routine with cooking, dishes, laundry, vacuuming and I'm actually beginning to enjoy doing it for the first time in my life. It's exciting to have clean, organized spaces and have clothes and bedding clean and put in it's place all the time.
I've listened to any talks about the reasons for hoarding and have read many books to understand myself so I could figure out ways to want to let go of things and how to do it. I have come a LONG way and it feels great. I'm still working at it, but I know one day I will not have this problem at all. I want a smaller house now so I can have more time enjoying life rather than spending hours cleaning. 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms is not for me any longer!
yesiownfrodo I agree w/most of what you've said, but it's much harder if you're sharing the laundry w/the rest of your apartment neighbors, though! Also these old machines ruin my delicate clothes & so much to hand wash & not enough places to dry them flat! They are the new clothes after getting rid of all that didn't fit! Was an XL & now an XS/XXS! Gave away $300 each, like-new suits that are coming back into style & that I could NOW fit into! That was a HUGE waste! Cost me more $ I didn't have to buy new clothes! ☹️
Actually, your tips are great! Doing simple routine tasks every day (and that is what FlyLady recommends- morning routine- make the bed daily, etc, ) Decluttering 15 minutes a day does work, but obviously not overnight- it's about behaviour modification. I tried it at work- decluttered just one file per day. After about a month I was shocked that my files were so organized and decluttered and because it had become a routine habit, I didn't really even remember doing it! I am struggling to accomplish this at home because I have too many different things and too much time, but 15 minutes at a time does work if you pick a small enough task and keep up with it daily- then it becomes a habit.
Cynthia Ennis .
I agree with yesiownfrodo. Flylady is too start-and-stop for me. I like having a schedule of chores that must be done every day day and a daily "once a week" chore .
the audio is so bad that is uncomfortable to watch.
Affectionism ?
Let's say you have a pile of craft stuff. The ultimate goal is to make you happy. It is a mess. It causes you some amount of stress every day. You try. You try again. At some time, you need to realize it is causing you more misery than joy. You need to get angry at the stuff because it is stealing your joy. Whatever the original goal, it is not working. The stuff is now an unwelcome guest. Grab up 10% to save, and have SOMEBODY ELSE follow you with a garbage bag and gather it up while you move on to something else.
The Great Depression is not responsible. We don't do anything else from the depression. We don't darn socks or skimp on food or have 2 pair of shoes. (I may be confused between the depression and the war.) Some people just like to THINK they are preventing waste. We don't realize the worst waste is the emotional toll, time waste and relationship damage.
+Susan Kapustka Your craft point really hit home with me, thanks! I collected a lot of stuff years agom yet oddly I never accomplished ONE thing with it! I reasoned (correctly) that other crafters would pay good money for it at a yard sale - but the sale never happened. When I bagged it up and sent it off with other donations last month, I felt nothing but relief! Sure, it was a waste of money and time to let it go like that, but it no longer nags me to 'do something' with it, and hopefully someone else is benefiting from it now.
I hope she got paid a lot to put up with these ignoramouses
I really wish this group didn't allow food in the room, or at least told the glutton in the background eating an elephant nonstop to come up for air! Seriously, only 5 min in all I heard was crunching and lip smacking! I almost quit watching, but thought it couldn't possibly go on too long. Boy was I wrong! I spent 52 minutes of struggling to hear the message around someone chewing with their mouth opened! The icing on the cake was the loud burp at 38:56, followed by more coughing and choking on their food. How disgusting and annoying!!!
Renee H .
OMG, ikr!!!
I have sensitivity to other people’s eating sounds especially in inappropriate social settings. I’ve been told it’s a component of a disorder. Although when tortured with the sound I think it’s the eater.