So basically our resentful & jealous (abusive) family members often prevent us from having healthy relationships in adulthood… This stuff destroys lives. All their lies & brainwashing literally destroys our future. 😢😢😢
No. Not at all for everyone! The future you have depends on a variety of variables. Although it may sound negative and as if there is no way out, there is more to the story. I'm coming back with a live chat on how to move through this dynamic. Stay tuned.
Basically, however, remember your soul is constant and no one can remove your love and knowing! It's been shameful for many years, but, lately, for carrying my soul's truth living through what jealous others taught me to believe ....I remain a shining light even in the circumstances few recognize as the result of my putting myself through university (only my Soul could have known to guide me to major in health and family life!) and attending that graduation alone that the shame does not hold a candle to the beauty I hold and share with others like you. We need not commiserate, we need to remember who we are and strive to find our person who is capable of love we have got. I used to be sad about not having my children, not marrying the inappropriate many I knew I was not born to tolerate, coddle, teach or settle for. This alone was twisted into untrue stuff you surely can readily imagine! Know you are special and you have the power to love yourself through all the sadness, which is a lie! I strive to avoid pitying people, helping people whose journey I never shared. Love them, and if you can remember to love yourself from the inside out like you were born knowing, you are going to remember to laugh at how ridiculous the folly of those you were born helplessley closest to are forgivable. One of my bullies said lots of true things that I have lived despite the source in my own life. For example The Serenity Prayer, and, "forgive them for they know not what they do." Who'd a thunk those truths need no role models! They did their best and lots of folks don't listen to their heart when it comes to things we've automatically believed. You are perhaps greater than you know. While I'm glad for Dr T. Hill's voice, remember the voice of your heart recognizes her message is true! Love, a fellow traveler whose life is beautiful inside where most folks like us tend to live.
Agreed. It permeates every aspect of our well being and therefore our lives. The insults that chip away at self confidence, the heavy handed discipline, the constant gossiping and complaining, you throw in SA and addiction into the group and your goose is cooked. No aid was ever given to help you achieve your dreams or provide you with life enriching activities and experiences. You never stood a chance if you're at the bottom of the hierarchy. And they project and accuse you and guilt you and gaslight you on top of that. Praying for us all. 🙏🏾
It took me some time to even acknowledge the word jealous in terms of parents and siblings. I didn't want to accept it until later in life as an adult. I've decided to move away from that family completely because it was traumatic and unhealthy. The Alliance was huge and hadnt changed to this day. Immediate and extended family on both sides. The only family member that loved me was my great grandmother Madea and she passed when I was a child. I dont have a healthy relationship with any of them.
I'm sorry. This is an intangled web for most families. It takes a lot of knowledge and courage to change the course of things. Hopefully you have found some peace.
Same dilemma here, almost no one within the whole family (also extended), who is trustworthy and not tainted with one or other alliance. It would be easier to deny the red flags i have picked up over the years, than to see the writing on the wall "Family is not everything".
When someone is jealous of you they'll NEVER admit it even in therapy. If they are really jealous at heart its usually not just towards one person they compare and compete with everyone in their life. They'd rather die before they admit to being jealous of you.
It's usually the highly SPIRITUAL SIBLING or the more GIFTED CHILD that gets cast as the outsider or the BLK SHEEP of the family , and there is ALWAYS OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS WILLING TO JUMP ON BOARD !! I EXPERIENCED this my whole life even as a small child , but GOD ALWAYS gave me the GRACE TO HANDLE THIS EVEN THOUGH , I eventually had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a mental Institution by the time I was 20 yrs old and made thru all that by the GRACE OF GOD , THANK U SPIRIT !! SO yes this very very REAL , LOOK AT Marvin Gaye s life killed by his own FATHER !! GREAT SUBJECT thank you Ms Hill !!
It is usually the seeker after spiritual truth , the Light seeker that they are most envious and jealous of!! The hatred of the darkness against the Light . Jesus Christ told us of this and would be worst at this end time !! A man ' s worst enemy be they members of his own family Our LORD Jesus Christ warned us !!!
You took the words right out of my mouth. I’m just learning this as I am the more spiritual one of my family members. I was teased and mocked for seeking spiritually, by my mother and sister. It’s draining. I started suffering from anxiety due to the constant bullying. I’m just now realizing this as my reality. I’m DONE with them!!!!
Yes this is a much more common experience & issue than I ever knew. I relate almost word for word down to being institutionalized around age 20, after one of the abusers hit me with a car, I survived & went to the hospital for help… WRONG choice! 😂 I’m still seeking freedom from my immediate family because I’m still close to that age… they want me to give up my ambitions so they can unalive me for insurance $ or something like that. I know this because I found my child & I’s social & birth certs photographed in their phones ….. 😂 they’re doing it for money. They want to live off my back, yet I’m the youngest in the family! May God help us all , is the best I can say. The pain became so great now I only feel numb day in & day out.. I just want my freedom, the freedom my ancestors died for me to have … just for my family to try & take it. 😅
Same here, plus I have been in denial of her jealousy toward me for Years even when other people would and still do tell m I also had to let her be being she caused me such depression and I also knew it would be my Health soon therefore I started thinking letting her mistreat as such was as if neglecting my body and mind for the sake of her. I also realized I was neglecting my Son in the way. she would treat and loud talk to him in embarrassing ways. So at Peace and de-Stressed not having to deal with her anymore.
I’m sorry that happened. Sometimes we still see our siblings as competing with us. I’m the youngest and I have a difficult time with them calling me “baby” at the ripe age of 49. Just have to do you and heal.❤❤
I'm sorry. This is a "symptom" of the bigger problem which is likely an unstable family dynamic. It's hard to have high self-esteem when you come from a family like this.
I thought like this too. Jealousy was never a thought when it came to other people with me. It took for me to get into spirituality for me to see that's what it is. It's crazy, because that still blows my mind. I am the youngest of four girls. They are way older than me. I loved them each so much ( still do ). I idealize the one that hurt me the most. I had done any and everything for her. I've been there for them all, but that one took part in raising me. I was closer to her than the rest but still had relationships with them all individually. They've all had their turn bullying me, call me names taking from me all while taking underhanded shots at me. It took til I turned 30 to back away. I barely have a relationship with any of them now. One I haven't talked to since my mom passed in 2015. I love them, I just know what comes along with having them in my life. It's just not worth it to me. I deal only on my terms if I want to or not. I love them. I also accept what it is.
I am familiar with this all too well. I come from a family that doesn't reciprocate, and they are extremely emotionally neglectful, apathetic, distant, superficial, and selfish. I have always been there for them in their life, career endeavors, and accomplishments, but I don't receive anything in return. So, I have decided to stop supporting all types of people, whether they are family or not, unless there is reciprocity, genuineness, empathy, healthiness, trustworthiness, and respect.
My mom would support other people’s accomplishments but completely ignore mine. It was so weird and my brain could never even think she was jealous of me until I started my own healing journey. If I was struggling or going through a challenge time she would engage with me but never showed empathy. Her favorite comment would be, “now you know how I feel,” 😩
Showing no empathy,creating Venn diagrams of life events where help was not extended and how resiliency.. thus denying optimistic advises and continuing a down spiral 🥴
Your mom probably wasn’t shown empathy. I was surprised when a friend said, “aw” and showed empathy for me. I had never experienced that before. My mom’s go to would be to blame me, show anger or make a joke of me in the situation. I thought that was the norm, being tough laughing it off and moving on. Not until I experienced otherwise could I know it was missing in my family. A book for the lay person on healthy family traits with examples would be very helpful.
Same here, my Mom loved to see me struggle but when I'm going well she wanted nothing to do with me, she would often gossip and bad mouth me when I got out of bad times as if how dare I pick my self up and keep going when I have zero family support! She has the worst energy too she makes me ill when I'm around her I can feel her hatred ever since a small child.
My mother and older sister were happiest when I was struggling and failing. I never understood why. I wanted a supportive family that celebrated my wins, and that sympathized with my struggled and supported me and eachother. But instead they put down, down played, or even tried to sabotage my wins, and they reveled in my failures. It confused me as to what I had done to deserve all of this. When my older brother got married when I was a kid, his wife was exactly the same way with her sister, so I kinda thought maybe this was how women treat each other. Sadly, it’s way too common among women.
I'm sorry you experienced this but you are right, it is way too common among women. Sometimes even women in a family could perpetuate jealousy amongst the females. It truly is a "weed" that can take root and never subside.
Had a horrendous childhood. It was like growing up with a bunch of mean girls, led by my mum. So much pain. They wanted to hold me down and ruin me. I pushed the memories out of my mind so that they don't destroy me.
Very much agree. They do! If jealousy is not properly dealt with, it becomes a life-long personality trait that can impact the rest of adult life. And it can also continue to impact the victim for years to come in many ways.
Yes. Birds of a feather flock together. Of course they will link with each other. They all have the same mindset and those are the people we stay away from.
Yes and it’s very triggering when you grew up as the person who was always trying to figure out why people were angrier with you the more you achieved. Then this happens at the work place, the harder you work and the more you succeed the more your coworkers suddenly start getting very weird and finding fault with you, so you double down and try even harder and this angers them even more and you feel like it must be something you’re doing wrong. Even if you grew up this way (or especially if you grew up this way) it can be very difficult to comprehend that this is, indeed, a toxic work place, because there’s a familiar feeling, and you’re not used to a supportive environment, and so you fall right into the role from your childhood and try so hard to get them to be nice to you, even if it doesn’t work.
Our family has a very cultlike mindset meaning Nobody goes against the family rules or specially the family reputation ! No outsiders are allowed to know what goes on in our family…. Protect the family reputation at all cost…. Unfortunately, I am the family scapegoat and boy it hurts…. Jealousy by both my mom and my sisters….
I'm sorry. 😔 Good point. Some families are very much this way and it becomes a toxic pool of chaos and no one ever reaches out for help, even professional help, because of how "hush - hush" the family is. This does nothing more than keep victims within this dynamic prisoners.
I told myself that I am becoming a farmer, I am weeding out all the toxic plants away from me so that I can grow. I realize that if I didn’t do that, I will never grow.
My parents made my life hell because of their pathological jealousy . Their thought process was we never had it, we never did it, so why should you? Carol N.I. Great subject thank you
When the parents constantly jealously balk at the things that they’re giving you, like you’re an ingrate and that you don’t deserve it. You’d think they’d be so happy they could provide these things for their kids, but instead they’re spiteful about it. It’s so weird.
Yes this is true. My mother harped on weight/size she is a narcissist. My sisters are constantly comparing our weight amongst the three of us. I’ve always been the biggest of us three, but when my weight fluctuates and I lose weight they appear unhappy.
Same in my family. My mother mistreated me as a kid because I was a little chunky. It gave me a complex through out my entire life. That my life is a failure if I’m not thin. I still struggle with my weight, everyday of my life. 😢
@hotmomma1552 ...same. I am now 55 and STILL dealing with low self-esteem due to weight. I finally am at a weight I feel physically comfortable with, however I still mentally struggle with feeling like my old self.
Another reason for jealousy, is because they see potential in your life pursuits verses theirs and the don't have the opportunities again to try at accomplishing their personal goals and achievements. Yes, and because they don't have time to work with. So, they feel as though they were cheated, or life wasn't fair, or God was fair to them! So, why should you have all of these doors open for you to choose! They start to feel pity towards themselves and feel like you shouldn't have it as easy as that to excel beyond them. They need an excuse to delay or stagnate or hinder you for an excuse of their failure's! They start assuming and become delusional yes because of their insecurities. It's like a cycle their trying to continue this demonic pattern. My thoughts💭💭
I don’t think my sister wanted to be jealous of me as a child or adult, but the whole family pushed it towards us. We each have our own talents and gifts and they tried to turn us against each other using them. I favor our mother more than my sister and I guess mom got tired of everyone saying I reminded them of her but younger and with different abilities. But, Mom was able to get my sister on her side of everything against me. They lived ganging up on me and trying to shame and belittle me as a teen. Recently divorced, my sister offered to let me relocate and stay with her for a bit. Our mother lives with her and is as toxic and duplicitous as ever. I declined. I refuse to have a repeat of Childhood 101. My sister truly believes our mother’s lies concerning me. I’m fascinated by the “memory lapses” when I remind them of the truth. Suddenly, they don’t recall or remember it that way. Anything I say to my sister is repeated to our mother. Saddest of all? Our mother is a therapist.
@@juanitagonzalez8333 She’s very narcissistic and my therapist thinks she is. It could be a toxic version of CPTSD, or some other Cluster B manifestation. All I know is I keep my distance, share nothing with her beyond superficial things, and hope she stays healthy while I heal. I love my mom, but I’m aware of who she is. It’s taken me 50 years to accept that she will never be the mother every child wanted.
This discussion is very important. Jealous, unhealed elderly 'mother' and disgruntled, resentful elder siblings have been my experience. It's the sickest dynamic I've ever witnessed and experienced first hand. Once you feel and have confirmed the jealousy, you can't unsee and unfeel it.
drama triangle or narcissistic abuse in which a narc parent chose a golden child ( favourite) and scapegoat ( not favourite) and turn them against each other resulting in sibling's rivalry for parental's love and attention. The narc's tactic is to break relationships between members of family to keep the power, bring confusion, chaos and the children's needs to fight for parental love.
@@hotmomma1552 you haven’t lived long enough to have witnessed it. @Roseaduke8835 is absolutely correct. It takes time before the golden child is turned to scapegoat….. it happens once golden child pushes back on parent regarding something unjust that they don’t agree with once they get older and clearer eyed.
Thank you so much for addressing this issue. This was the dynamic that I grew up with my narc "mother/sister" duo. It was horrible and continued horribly well into adulthood.They were determined to destroy me, my relationships, my career, my finances, ...my entire life. It was very difficult for me to finally realize what was really going on, and that it wasn't me that was the problem. I used to always think that I was the problem and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me that I upset them so much, even though I was a really great kid and high integrity etc. I finally went no-contact a few years ago and that was the best thing I've ever done for myself. That meant cutting off my entire family, both immediate and all of my relatives who are on her side. It's definitely a long journey for healing with a very good therapist, especially at this later stage in life. But am dedicated to my healthy and happy well being and moving past it for good.
When you become an adult and know something is not right, it's time to really dig into the past and try to understand it. Otherwise you will have no peace. My family was somewhat dysfunctional but I did not realize it until I grew up and moved away.
my mother literally screamed at me that she will never help me and walked away.. left me startled..but after 2minutes i went to her and told her i will not need her help. God is my ever present help..
When I first started standing up to my psychologically/emotionally abusive narcissistic mother, she said, "You NEED me to guide you and help you make correct choices!" I just said calmly back, "I'm an adult human being, and I absolutely do not need your "help" to make my own choices." She did not react well. Lashed out, screamed, cried, acted like a big ol' victim.
I’m 19 minutes in and I don’t know how to express the overwhelming feeling I’m getting watching this. I recently started navigating away from a toxic dynamic with my father and half sibling . I’m the eldest from my father’s marriage; now divorced. He’s a manipulator/liar, explosive, demeaning, sneaky, and envious. My sibling’s desire to be his favorite is their bond he showers them with praise then without hesitation shreds them down to dust. I use to push back and to gain his favor my sibling would side with him. I have power over my one life to live. I won’t be my sibling scapegoat in our dad’s narcissistic power struggle.
Excellent description 🙏🏻peace at any cost. I've lost everything twice due to my foolish naivety that family want the best for you. No they will be satisfied if we are dead, sibling and sociopath aunt put my mother into a premature grave, they tried to destroy me, but God wised me up to escape 🕊❤️
Thank you for sharing this!! Wishing you every success to overcome this bonkers dynamic 💯 and live a life that's free from narcissistic people 💯 and where all your dreams come true 🕊️✨💐🌟
I've lived through that. It is awful and it is all I can do to stand on my feet as an adult and find some self worth. Because of that treatment it took me ten years to let go and trust my husband was not going to hurt me. Just remember you don't have to feel guilty if you go no contact, you are not leaving them, you are leaving their demons. If you stay you are enabling their demons to keep playing games and they will never have the chance to be free. If you leave there is a slim slim slim chance they wake up, but no chance if you stay.
I have isolated myself from all family members (nuclear and extended) for over 15 years now. Carrier is a chronic narc. She tore up and threw all my certificates and diplomas in the bin. She also tore up baby pics of me. I will never forget when I was about 23 years old, her sibling would try to age me quickly by calling me old. (Meanwhile, this woman was pushing 50 at the time). My response: “No matter how old I get, I will always be and look younger than you!” After that, I became the scapegoat and was made to be ostracised from not only them, but everyone I knew. They could no longer control me, so they had to control how everyone else sees me. They tried to reach out in 2020 because her husband died, but I still declined to reconnect. They know I’m a natural care giver and that’s why they only call whenever there’s a crises. Not anymore though. Boundaries are permanently in tact. I’m the eldest of 8 and was forced to grow up real fast. Carrier had 8 children by 7 different men. This is just a snowflake in the avalanche of my traumatic childhood/young adulthood.
The first murder happened because a sibling was jealous. Cain killed his brother Abel because he was jealous. “Genesis 4” so you are so correct! Love your work and thank you 🙏
This is the FIRST time I have listened to anyone speak about this TOPIC and the entire notion of the jealousy that exists within pathologically ill families. I spent the entire time in engrossed in every word and I could feel the interior crying within myself because every word was telling me what I silently have always known. Now it's totally clear to me. .....This is not in my imagination. THANK YOU DEAREST Tamara. you are ON POINT. tHANK YOU. sO glad I found you.
My mother roped me into this dynamic with my father. She hated that she had to share the attention with me because he doted on me and loved having a daughter. She used guilt and shame routinely and whatever she was doing behind the scenes to manipulate the situation in her favor. She also extended this to her own extended family, and build coalitions with her siblings, nieces, nephews, and whoever else that would listen to be against me and keep me in line.
@@UrbanAlchemystic I was Definitely treated as the other woman. My malignant N mother would rage when my father showed me any positive attention. Example: He once bought both my mother and me flowers for Valentines Day. She went berserk screaming at him that she's the only woman in his life - not me. She ripped the flowers out of my hands and threw them in the trash. Years later my father was at my home helping me paint a room. N mother called asking if "her husband was there". When I responded he was she screamed "He better come home Now! He HAS a Wife!" It got to the point where it was easier for him to go along with her and started showing absolute disgust for me to make her happy. I've been No Contact for 2 decades with no family and no extended family. She destroyed every relationship I had with them through her jealousy and smear campaigns.
Hi Tamara! Pathological jealousy and delusional envy being compared to a weed that takes root is brilliant! I needed this topic for decades, learning late in life. God Bless us survivors of this destructive psychological phenomenon! Thanks for the deep dive! ❤
@@TherapistTamaraHill absolutely, it contaminated and toxified three generations of my family, culminating in horrifying destruction. I look forward Tamara to your explorations in human relations! Bless you! ❤️
This is probably the best thing that could have happened to you. I am slowly fading out of my family lives and have no plans of re-enter it, ever. Sometimes you have to let go of the toxicity of family.👍
You want your parent to be proud of you, but it's shrouded in jealousy, when you're not in any contest with anyone but yourself. A few friends tried to tell me this years ago, but it was too painful to accept. This is my first time hearing a professional talk about this.
Yes my mother has been jealous of me and my sister but she has managed to pit us against each other. She is always quoting Bible verses to justify her wrongs.
@@divinelovingbeing9074 What I mean by religious zealots is the people that feel they have a grasp on their relationship belief and religion and can now judge others in the name of that belief and religion. Narcissists Sociopaths and psychopaths are abundant in religious settings. Placing themselves above others and believing they are permitted to do so because they have found themselves a religious belief and the Lord supports them in being controlling, manipulative and jealousy.
I think jealousy is what one feels, and envy is the act of being jealous. Eg., the girl envied her sister, she was jealous because she was more beautiful.
No, jealousy is when you are afraid to lose something you have to someone else (i.e. feeling jealous if your best friend has another close friend because you fear losing your importance in your friend’s life.) It’s always regarding something that is already yours that you don’t want to lose to someone else. Envy is when you want what someone else has.
I’m sorry to hear this. Let's get into it, though. I do think some mothers get jealous when their daughters have a good husband or boyfriend. Especially if the guy is genuinely kind. It's strange, but it's best to stay away from these types and keep your kids away too.
You explained this very well. I lived this dynamic growing up. In my experience they don’t ever change. I only wish I had gotten away from them sooner.
Thank you! Glad this was helpful. It's so sad when family like this doesn't change. They have to recognize they are at fault first. Most times they don't believe they are so why change? It's sad.
My dad was so proud of me, and my mom saw that. She hides the jealousy well, but it’s so there. It’s obvious in how she hasn’t stood up for me when the siblings made me the family scapegoat.
They engineered this dynamic and were silently and covertly feed it. Doubtful they would want to end it. This happened to me too. My mother engineered every evil thought and action. She is the matriarch that created all the hate towards me. I'm totally scapegoated since I can ever remember.
I’m a twin too. It’s pretty disappointing to have someone that close who seethes with jealousy. My sister downgraded my education (I have a Bachelor’s degree & she has an Associates degree) as though she was a professional & I was not; told my kids that I exaggerated my pain issues when I could no longer work (I didn’t exaggerate & was depressed when I couldn’t work); and told me with a tense tone “you know, you only have this because of E” when my spouse & I bought our home. Contributions made to my family (cleaning, maintaining our calendar/appointments/schedule; shopping; laundry; cooking) had no value when compared to working & earning money. She crafted mountains out of non-issues & she spread her whacked theories as truth to family, my kids, extended family & my neighbors (many were her coworkers!) I was deemed mentally off as a result of her false narratives and had a breakdown. She smirked about it (really)& insisted on me sharing info with her about it. I declined & stopped talking to her. So, she could then point to my breakdown & say to all, “see, she’s crazy!” She helped push me to that point. With not being able to work, I was viewed as a nobody & she’s a nurse. She was believed despite having no degree of mental health training & besides that, outright lying. I have RA, fibromyalgia, ulcerative colitis, degenerative discs, and - now - a TBI. I wanted to be more present to my husband & kids & my health forced me to work around my health. No compassion from my twin sister nurse. Just hatred. And, I have only wished her well & wanted to support her. It’s very sad & unfortunate. Does this seem familiar to you? Any extra insights when there’s a twin relationship?
You have explained my family dynamics with my twin sister and my mother.I felt like I couldn't breathe without being picked apart.It didn't matter that I was laid back and respectful. I was still treated very poorly.
Perhaps to you or in your own eyes. But you don't know what they "see" when they look at or consider you. Jealousy is complicated and sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all.
I can't begin to explain the damage that our mother did to my older brother and sister. They were golden children because they complied with her, and I became the scapegoat because I wouldn't. As I look back, I was the luckiest one. I survived the least damage due to not letting her control me as she did them. My 6 year older brother was going to go to medical school and be a doctor to give her some self esteem and make her happy. He dropped out after the first semester and had a breakdown and moved 800 miles away and got a job in the foam rubber business! 3 year older sister was treated like a Barbie doll and dressed to attract men so she could snag a rich husband. She's been married and divorced 3 times. Her #4 husband was 17 years older and had been married 3 times before her. He passed away 5 years ago and now she is living with a man who is almost 80 years old has been married 5 times and is a known adulterer. Our mother loaned her the money for the 3 divorces, paid for her daughter by her first husband schooling and college and then gave her her house when she died which was our grandmother's house which she is now renting out because she can't pay for the taxes and insurance. She is 73 years old and has nothing but SS. I have been no contact for 9 years with both of them. They both act like our mother did and treat me like and everyone else like our mother did. Oh, my brothers first wife up and left him after only a few years because he was cold and unfeeling like our mother. He married a much younger woman who he could control. She's cold and unfeeling, too. I married someone just like our mother and tried to make it work for 17 years. I divorced him at 40 years old. Same year she died. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me that year. I remarried after 21 years single to the sweetest man I'd ever met. I wasn't getting married again until I had the toxic family of origin out of me. It worked! We've been married happily for almost 10 years. I'm totally and happily No Contact with brother and sister since they showed their horrible behavior around the happiest time of my life. I was DONE with them big time after that. Thanks for listening to me rant! Normal people with normal families can't believe our stories, can they??? Wow!
My family would never celebrate any accomplishment or support any choices Ive made. They wanted me dumb broke fat and lonely so I would always be available to them to fo what they needed. So needless to say I blocked every one of them and moved on. Im now over the lies and betrayal and feel free to celebrate myself. Hope you all find peace and the love you never received.
My experience as the oldest child has been younger siblings and narc dad being jealous - I am blessed & doing better. I did not want to believe they were jealous - had to take others to awaken me to the family jealousy dynamic. I love them & and I did not want to believe it but have to accept it. I have chosen not to engage but to walk away, I will never have the loving relationship I want. Thank you for providing the example of the jealous brother.
@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you for your kind words. I am prayerfully trying to get peace! I have POA of Health for my mom, a sister who has no desire to assist at all and who lives the closest to our Mom brings chaos & confusion - accused me & home health care workers of being sneaky (I stabilized my Mom's home & her health - cost me thousands). My Mom's blood pressure goes through the roof, and she has to either go to the hospital or doctor when this sister visits her. The last visit, a worker wanted to quit. I finally told my Mom that I was dead to her (I think I was harsh) so I called her back & explained that I would continue to take care of her behind the scenes but would no longer take her dumping on me each time my sister visits her home as she sides with her after all that I have done for her and that I need to step away. I also told her of the complaints my sister has filed against her and of her wanting to call adult protective services. I also told her that her body is speaking to her when her blood pressure goes up each time my sister visits her. I have had to hire my own attorney to handle the drama with my siblings. I am learning to replace my fear of my Mom's well-being to trust in God. I also have to bring my disappointment of being born to emotionally immature parents to God. I did not ask to be born in this toxic, dysfunctional family! Again, thank you for the video content.
My sister keeps pushing herself on me and I don’t want anything to do with her, because she is a very nasty person but acts sweet and is the life of the party around other people. She called me the other day and said she will be flying to where I live, on the west coast and she lives on the east coast. She said her boyfriend, who is married to another woman, wants to bring her out here for a vacation. I told my husband and he said to just make things very quick with her when she comes out here, and just tell her you are busy with work. I really don’t want to be around her, for one she is sleeping with a married man and two whenever she is around me, she stares me down with a look of hatred. I look just like my mom and she looks just like her dad and she can’t stand that.
Thankyou so much for this ❤ This iss my life story i am now alone and havent spoke to my mom or brothers its like i lost them because of her head jealousy thankyou mam this is so necessary i thought this was a ethnic mental dynamic i dont know but this is such a blessing You are a blessing ❤🙏❤
I could write a book about the toxic dynamic my mother created towards me. It began when I was 1-year old. To this day so many years later, she said that I didn't need her anymore, that she didn't feel needed by me when I was 1, because I was already showing signs of becoming independent. The alliance is with my sister, who was the result of an affair with the neighbor.
My 40s have been a worldwind of education, healing and "extra empathy" because of your channel. Thank you for covering this topic, Tamara. So many terms to process and sit with. Dispositional Sibling Jealousy is real.
You're welcome!! That's so wonderful to hear! I'm glad. And thank you for sharing this. The purpose for the channel is to reveal the truths so many of us don't find on a daily basis.
Thank you for touching this very taboo issue. It is the elephant in the room. The denial is definitely the hardest part. My mom passed away several years ago, the back biting and hate that I dealt with for decades finally ended. My younger siblings picked right up where she left off. I am at extremely low interactions and am happy because I could finally acknowledge what was going on. Thank you again
I've been scapegoated by my family for about 20-25 years, since I was a late teen. Sometimes, my dad (my only real supporter) shows me regard and stands up for me. He is then almost instantly accused of "coddling me" by my siblings. Because they will always believe that I am a "broken freak" who only deserves disregard and disrespect. I hate it. I went no contact a few weeks ago, and have never felt more free and at peace.
I buried it. Had a funeral for it. It is done. I won't accept a trace of that kind of behavior in my own family today. I was affected by sibling rivalry. We fought until we bled each other. My mother stood and watched. It didn't just happen between my sister and I. It happened by all of my brothers and sisters. I am the youngest of 8 on my mom's side. They all fought physically viciously with each other. My mom always compared my sister and I. I used to be sick of it. She would praise me for my school work just so my sister could fightt me up at the end. I realized I tried to dim my light so I didn't feel so bad. She would make everyone hate me on the block. My mother was a number. I blame her for her behavior. And the bashing she did to me verbal abuse. Anyway I have eliminated all problems I won't mention them no more. Lots of betrayals and condoning my sister's behavior and my other siblings. I thought if I was super good then I didn't have to be picked on. I was wrong.
Dysfunctional dynamics! In the past I experienced it first hand and they also are the workplace bullies who clustering together. Worst when a manager is one of those people🤢
That's a good point to point out workplace bullies. Some research into the psychology of jealousy does show that these personality traits often spill over into the workplace. The workplace is often another example of how that jealous individual engages in all "group dynamics."
Its no wonder society doesn't recognize it. Those experiencing it cant even believe its real while it's happening. As an adolescent with an eating disorder, there were moments that my mom would covertly compete with my diet, rituals, etc. Constantly talk about triggering topics, brag about her "achievements", even introduced me to laxatives. I dismissed it as it was crazy, but I was right. Over a decade later, I gaslit myself for thinking her and my sister were sabotaging me.. After my sister was divorced, I tried helping her as a single mom. I believe she couldn't tolerate being inferior- the one thing I excelled- she destroyed and then alienated me.
That's so good you had someone there. Its really hard when you have no other relatives to go to or become bonded with in a healthy way. Unfortunately my grandparents played into this nonsense.
Interesting subject I'm the middle child never got any support from my mother or siblings still don't but I was able to overcome even though it was very hurtful always felt different looked upon because I am very caring nurturing and compassionate
Such a facinating conversation and a great channel...ty💕. My younger half sister's (2) and one brother were all wards of the state and put in foster care..except me. I partially grew up knowing my parents and that they were both indeed my blood parents. ( they were not sure) Later I meet my half sisters and brother as a young adult only to get ostracized by them due to them being jealous that I was never in foster care as they all were...even when they knew I still suffered in childhood just as they did raised by my aunt. I finally gave up trying to know them. My brother has his grown daughter call me periodically...not to show care concern or invite me into their fold but to check and see if I'm still single and struggling ( I see this clearly finally)..as they all got married and have their own families..while I remained single. A real cat and mouse like game. I'm done. Boundaries in place now..I see the light..the game.😢
Just found you ... recently right after going no contact for the past 2.5 yrs i got pulled into it again after my sister texted me about a supposed death of my neices child. I called her twice to talk and got zero response! It caused me to email and no response then sent happy birthday and mother's day..then i had a meltdown weeks later after a job interview.. called my father and he hung up on me and texts with my mother. Went back and texted my sister and called her out. Too late i really dont care anymore. They left me in California.. yes my mother has pitted my older sister against me for years.. before i cut them off back in 2017 my mother said she would write me out of her will just because she didn't like my suggestions for helping het decorate a wall when she lives out of state!! Complete insanity!! I actually am blessed i was left behind.!! Subscribed. You are so accurate in your analysis. Thank you this was very healing and ontime.
Welcome to the channel! Glad to have you and Thank YOU. So glad this was helpful. Sounds like a lot of painful family dynamics here. It will take you some time to organize all of this in your mind and heart and then heal. I will be talking about this coming up on Saturday live. I welcome you.
My fiancé is the black sheep of the family and he has jealous parents and siblings and they have tried so hard to tear him down but through the God grace my Fiancé has been able to push through it and is one of the most strongest man I have ever known. I know that God made him stand out for a reason and they can’t stand the fact that God put something in him and they didn’t get that.
You are already my rock star! I and my family ARE the drama 🔺️ TOXIC! We all want out and the right help is not available at our expense! This was the easiest way that I could describe without a million page book!
🤗Thank you! Glad to have you on the channel and I'm also glad these chats are helpful to you. Just knowing the dynamic and that you are not alone can be healing in and of itself.
I think it's normal to be jealous if you're a scapegoat and other kid is golden or just not targeted because that person appears safe and can live their life and scapegoat is always in fear
Sometimes jealousy may come up in this dynamic. Again, the problem is when it festers and grows into evil behaviors, active roles to harm, and intentions against the child.
doesnt bother me at all. sat right next to my golden child brother at the thanksgiving table and completely ignored him, his kids and his girlfriend. sat right next to each other, not on purpose. ate my food and talked to everyone else. i could care less.
Why do you hate your golden child, brother? Did he try to talk to you? Are you jealous of him or he is jealous of you? Or did his kids and girlfriend try to talk to you? I don't understand what that accomplished; it sounds passive-aggressive to me. Kids should not be held responsible for the sins of their parents; it is wrong to reject them and try to make them feel ashamed for something they have no control over. If you have a problem with your brother, start a conversation with him about it, maybe not at the Thanksgiving table, but certainly afterward. There is way too much passive aggressiveness going on in families, with people walking on eggshells around each other, shunning them, badmouthing them behind their backs, and ganging up on them; the only way to solve the problem is to have a talk! If the aggressor won't talk because they are a POS, then you should make it known to the rest of the family by talking with them or through written communication, but don't point the finger at them and make them defensive; nothing will get solved. I wish that I had done this when my parents were alive, as well as one of my brothers, who sadly died of cancer 13 years ago. Once they are gone, you can't clear the air, and you are the one who suffers, not them! Communication is the only way to solve problems, and it should be open and honest, not accusing and blaming. Hopefully, that will lead to some self-awareness and repentance, but if not, you will need to grieve the loss. It's not easy. But whatever you do, don't use passive-aggressiveness as a way to show your displeasure or hatred of them; they probably have no idea what you are mad about! Only you are suffering from that nonsense! Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!
@@clarebaxter777the Bible says the sins of the father becomes the child’s. So a parent can definitely cause the children to suffer. That’s not passive aggressive behavior if she/ he did not want to associate with the brothers’ family. It’s called protecting yourself from abuse. You should research it before passing judgment.😏
@@hotmomma1552I've been in situations where I had to purposely ignore someone, as a protective measure but the person decided to talk to me (maybe thinking the past was "water under the bridge"). I think that it what clare meant.
Bumped into this at the right time. Accept that I'm such a situation is not only heartbreaking, it's actually eye-opening. I now understand that I was not delusional. It opened so many wounds, I need to face. Thank you😮
Hi Tamara- I'm so happy to know there's someone like you that's willing to drop your knowledge on us. I'm the Rival in this heartbreaking system. My entire 59 years have been so exhausting. Thank you so much for putting a name to this scenario. God bless you Tamara- keep it coming!
You're welcome. That's sometimes all the healing we need -- a label and clear understanding. And Thank you!! God bless you too. I'm glad to have you on this channel
@@TherapistTamaraHill You're so right!- I feel so much better just knowing what's going on in my life - I actually feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off of me🙏🏾
Thank you 🙏🏿 SisStar of the Light. After listening to your message, I suddenly innerstand that jealousy was what I went through with my mother (who is deceased) and the pattern is now playing out in my younger sister, even though I am the one who cared for both of them deeply and materially took are of my mother, my sister and her 6 children. Thank you for caring and sharing.
I don't know what the issue was in relation to my mother and how she really felt about me as her eldest daughter and my relationship with the youngest daughter. I remember that I get into verbal arguments with this sibling and I was always the one who had to stifle what I could say by my mother . My mother would always jump to the defense of my sister. I never understood why I would have to suppress my feelings, my response to whatever my sister would attack me. Sometimes the arguments would get to the point of my sister attacking me physically. I can remember my sister physically attacking me and humiliated me in front of company because she didn't like something I said in response to her verbal attack on me..I did not try to strike back because my sister was expecting at the time. I got up and walked away.. When I later came back and my mother was angry with me and would not speak to me as though I was in the wrong. My mother would also take things from me to give to this sibling. I was to accept whatever my sister would dish out towards me.
Your have no idea how glad I am for finding this video and your channel. You explained 26 years of my life, my family dynamic and the whole drama. It’s unbelievable that psychologists don’t speak about it more often.
Naw they definitely go hand in hand. The line is not thin. A person that hates you is more than likely jealous. A person jealous of you hates your guts. You think they don’t? What’s thin about that? 🤨🧐
I'm so glad I came across this video! You are so on point! This is awesome "Real Talk" information. I will subscribe to your channel. I'm going through some wicked, jealous dynamics from certain family members including towards me. My oldest brother, my mother, and my second youngest sister! The devil is a liar. I REBUKE their evil demeanors against me! In Jesus Name! Amen! 🙏🏾
1:15 ....THANK YOU TH. ..... YOU JUST HELP ME EXPLAIN TO MYSELF THE REASON FOR MY COLLECTION OF POSSESSIONS ... I'VE ALWAYS HATED THE WORD HOARDING .... BECAUSE I NEVER FELT LIKE IT EXPLAINED WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME ..... I NEVER FELT LIKE I FITTED THE MOLD OF A HOARDER . BUT I'VE ALWAYS FELT THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN MORE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE , AND PART OF WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME IS I HAVE ADHD ..... THEREFORE I'VE BECOME A JACK OF ALL TRADES .... BUT PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT , LABELS ME AS A HOARDER ..... I LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY WHEN ALL THE PARTS OF MY PUZZLE COMES TOGETHER ..... HOARDER IS NOT A NICE WORD .. ESPECIALLY WHEN THOSE SAME PEOPLE COME TO MY HOME WITH THEIR PALMS STRETCHED OUT .... Thank you so much ❤❤❤ ENVY AND EVIL GOES HAND IN HAND ...
i’ve been through exactly this and what helped me is having a relationship with God not trying to be so religious but if i told y’all my story you would most certainly cry. I had to leave my home state while pregnant it was that bad. but now i’m doing great as a single mother I got therapy faithful spiritual leaders etc. Remember we are warriors some people tried to simply destroy us but they failed at doing so. usually it’s a generational curse and we were the ones to stop it! I refuse to live in this trauma and allow them to have power over my life. We are powerful to even still be standing ❤❤❤
Hello, Ms. Hill! You were in my recommendations and I stopped by to let you know that your topics are perfectly descriptive of this type of toxicity. This is the first of your videos that I've listened to and subscribed 5 minutes in. I had to move hundreds of miles away to clear my head and protect my children. We have something in common, I didn't like my mother or my 4 brothers' girlfriends copying my unique style. It definitely didn't not feel like flattery, more like several one-ups. Thank you, many of us are struggling to come to terms after such a silent, pervasively destructive and covert abuse, that has destroyed many facets our childhood development. While we struggle to regain a long forgotten footing, more damaged people find us to dump and perpetuate the pain we are trying desperately to find relief from.
Thank you for subbing! Welcome. Glad to have you. And you said it well here: "...a silent, pervasively destructive and covert abuse..." It's saddening that so many people are dealing with this. I do hope these conversations serve as validation and ultimately healing.
Among other reasons, one reason I don't want family over is hearing them criticize me about my "taste" (or lack thereof). Ex: I didn't know that it's outdated to hang pictures with glass frames - last time I checked home decor shows, they're still using it. Another time I wanted highlights framing the front of my face which was trendy at the time, and I was accused of imitating them, at which point I told them they didn't have a monopoly on it.
this video is awesome..and mentions so much of what I experienced..I wanted to bring up one specific issue and I wonder if you could expound on that situation..I've seen many girls and women especially targeted for narratives such as "bipolar, or crazy, or alcoholic"...the brother had called his sister "alcoholic"...I had both parents that were sadistic cruel selfish domineering, envious and pathologically jealous... I went through absolutely being tortured woken up to be sleep deprived until I understood I had no rights to see myself as who I was,...someone that deserved to be valued and has normal decent goals,... to break the cycle and to have a good honest life. ------that wasn't allowed to be for me..I had no idea why..----.but it's taken me ages to accept I was never an alcoholic...there are many lies they told me about what happened,... and I understand how I was continually broken down....and I can see how I was brainwashed by having the same thing repeated over and over to me incessantly until I responded like I was trained to respond...even speaking lies about myself which had no basis in facts. one of those was 'alcoholic'' I remembered how I tried to defend myself and immediately got pounced on ,.. this kinda stuff isn't talked about. parental jealousy,.... and the things they get away with are so atrocious...because there is such a little amount of sharing on this form of family harm... I am so grateful you are speaking on this and sharing with us about the realities of what many of us experience..
The older my Mom gets, the worse she has gotten. I always knew she preferred my brother over me, but his weekend, she told my 13-year-old daughter she wished she had 2 sons instead of me. That hurt both of us a lot. We try really hard to be kind to her and make her feel special, but nothing I do is ever good enough, and all my mistakes are perpetual. There is no real forgiveness of me.
I'm so glad you're discussing this topic. I've felt this way for quite some time regarding my mother. She's said it and demonstrated on so many occasions. I don't feel that she's ever liked me. When I say this to her she never denies it but only says in an angry tone, "don't start"
I have helped my mom and aunt pay for ten children for decades. My mom had 8 kids with five different men. I was giving her $400.00 a month for years and she says some of the worst things ever to me. She has kicked me out of her house on multiple occasions and she will call me up out of the blue to tell me that she needs something from me. I finally hate her guts after 40 some years of this. At 65 I have been able to purchase art supplies. I have finally been able to decorate my house and I enjoy having money to spend.
So I'm an only child....I know my mother loves me, but she does not like me. She will brag about other women my age who she knows in front of my face....She never really is on my side...and takes no accountability for the lack of emotional support she failed to show me. It's like..she tolerates me.
Parents like this can be emotionally neglectful and apathetic. They tolerate your presence and take you for granted without truly supporting you. They may say they love you, but their actions show otherwise. They aren't there for you in meaningful ways, nor do they celebrate your achievements. I've seen my mother be more supportive of strangers or women my age than she ever was of me. I realized I had a trauma bond with her; she talks to me like a friend, not in a healthy mother-daughter way. She still gets excited about old high school friends but never shows that light with me. She forms bonds with others and supports her nieces more than me, despite their indifference. I've come to understand that she hides her jealousy and pretends to care. I know what it's like to be merely tolerated. It's superficial, and it's time to step away for good. We deserve better.
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
Join me in my next live chat, coming up Saturday, on the psychology of family favortism: ua-cam.com/users/live9tQmUnRAAHc.
37:49 What about... a mother who tries to break up with his girlfriends and or, trying to get them broken up in general? Thanks! 😛💡👈🏻💯
Blessings fam I know the other side of your family
The hills are my family
@@TherapistTamaraHill For sure!
So basically our resentful & jealous (abusive) family members often prevent us from having healthy relationships in adulthood… This stuff destroys lives. All their lies & brainwashing literally destroys our future. 😢😢😢
No. Not at all for everyone! The future you have depends on a variety of variables.
Although it may sound negative and as if there is no way out, there is more to the story. I'm coming back with a live chat on how to move through this dynamic. Stay tuned.
Basically, however, remember your soul is constant and no one can remove your love and knowing! It's been shameful for many years, but, lately, for carrying my soul's truth living through what jealous others taught me to believe ....I remain a shining light even in the circumstances few recognize as the result of my putting myself through university (only my Soul could have known to guide me to major in health and family life!) and attending that graduation alone that the shame does not hold a candle to the beauty I hold and share with others like you. We need not commiserate, we need to remember who we are and strive to find our person who is capable of love we have got. I used to be sad about not having my children, not marrying the inappropriate many I knew I was not born to tolerate, coddle, teach or settle for. This alone was twisted into untrue stuff you surely can readily imagine! Know you are special and you have the power to love yourself through all the sadness, which is a lie! I strive to avoid pitying people, helping people whose journey I never shared. Love them, and if you can remember to love yourself from the inside out like you were born knowing, you are going to remember to laugh at how ridiculous the folly of those you were born helplessley closest to are forgivable. One of my bullies said lots of true things that I have lived despite the source in my own life. For example The Serenity Prayer, and, "forgive them for they know not what they do." Who'd a thunk those truths need no role models! They did their best and lots of folks don't listen to their heart when it comes to things we've automatically believed. You are perhaps greater than you know. While I'm glad for Dr T. Hill's voice, remember the voice of your heart recognizes her message is true! Love, a fellow traveler whose life is beautiful inside where most folks like us tend to live.
This is deep!!!
Agreed. It permeates every aspect of our well being and therefore our lives. The insults that chip away at self confidence, the heavy handed discipline, the constant gossiping and complaining, you throw in SA and addiction into the group and your goose is cooked. No aid was ever given to help you achieve your dreams or provide you with life enriching activities and experiences. You never stood a chance if you're at the bottom of the hierarchy. And they project and accuse you and guilt you and gaslight you on top of that. Praying for us all. 🙏🏾
IT DOESNT HAVE TO.
READ MY COMMENT IN THE THREAD
It took me some time to even acknowledge the word jealous in terms of parents and siblings. I didn't want to accept it until later in life as an adult. I've decided to move away from that family completely because it was traumatic and unhealthy. The Alliance was huge and hadnt changed to this day. Immediate and extended family on both sides. The only family member that loved me was my great grandmother Madea and she passed when I was a child. I dont have a healthy relationship with any of them.
I'm sorry. This is an intangled web for most families. It takes a lot of knowledge and courage to change the course of things. Hopefully you have found some peace.
You’re not alone
Same here
My grandma we call madea too! - Sorry for your loss, my madea is getting up there so I try to see her as much as we can
Same dilemma here, almost no one within the whole family (also extended), who is trustworthy and not tainted with one or other alliance. It would be easier to deny the red flags i have picked up over the years, than to see the writing on the wall "Family is not everything".
Toxic family hold you back, it's like a curse.
You've to plan your goals and work in absolute silence.
Sadly passed down from generation to generation.
I have just realized this. I hope I can handle it.
@@citizenjournalist2401Curses can be broken
It is...imagine not realizing it until you're 60.
You can't see it....until you see it. Then you can never unsee it again.
So true
Yup
When someone is jealous of you they'll NEVER admit it even in therapy. If they are really jealous at heart its usually not just towards one person they compare and compete with everyone in their life. They'd rather die before they admit to being jealous of you.
@@KJ-df9oz Yes, or any other truthful reality. :-)
It's usually the highly SPIRITUAL SIBLING or the more GIFTED CHILD that gets cast as the outsider or the BLK SHEEP of the family , and there is ALWAYS OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS WILLING TO JUMP ON BOARD !! I EXPERIENCED this my whole life even as a small child , but GOD ALWAYS gave me the GRACE TO HANDLE THIS EVEN THOUGH , I eventually had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a mental Institution by the time I was 20 yrs old and made thru all that by the GRACE OF GOD , THANK U SPIRIT !! SO yes this very very REAL , LOOK AT Marvin Gaye s life killed by his own FATHER !! GREAT SUBJECT thank you Ms Hill !!
It is usually the seeker after spiritual truth , the Light seeker that they are most envious and jealous of!! The hatred of the darkness against the Light . Jesus Christ told us of this and would be worst at this end time !! A man ' s worst enemy be they members of his own family Our LORD Jesus Christ warned us !!!
This is exactly my story.
You took the words right out of my mouth. I’m just learning this as I am the more spiritual one of my family members. I was teased and mocked for seeking spiritually, by my mother and sister. It’s draining. I started suffering from anxiety due to the constant bullying. I’m just now realizing this as my reality. I’m DONE with them!!!!
Yes this is a much more common experience & issue than I ever knew. I relate almost word for word down to being institutionalized around age 20, after one of the abusers hit me with a car, I survived & went to the hospital for help… WRONG choice! 😂 I’m still seeking freedom from my immediate family because I’m still close to that age… they want me to give up my ambitions so they can unalive me for insurance $ or something like that. I know this because I found my child & I’s social & birth certs photographed in their phones ….. 😂 they’re doing it for money. They want to live off my back, yet I’m the youngest in the family! May God help us all , is the best I can say. The pain became so great now I only feel numb day in & day out.. I just want my freedom, the freedom my ancestors died for me to have … just for my family to try & take it. 😅
amen!! yess!! and i totally forgot about marvin gaye’s father smh
My baby sister is jealous of me, and I've done nothing but help her. I finally separated myself from her to protect my health.
Good for you Run & never look back they get worst..
Same with mine.
Same here, plus I have been in denial of her jealousy toward me for Years even when other people would
and still do tell m
I also had to let her be being she caused me such depression and
I also knew it would be my Health
soon therefore I started thinking
letting her mistreat as such was
as if neglecting my body and mind
for the sake of her. I also realized I
was neglecting my Son in the way. she would treat and loud talk to
him in embarrassing ways.
So at Peace and de-Stressed not having to deal with her anymore.
I’m sorry that happened. Sometimes we still see our siblings as competing with us. I’m the youngest and I have a difficult time with them calling me “baby” at the ripe age of 49. Just have to do you and heal.❤❤
I feel you. May God bless you and protect you.
Growing up I had such low self esteem due to this dynamic that to this day I couldn’t even fathom anyone being jealous of me, however, I see it now.
I'm sorry. This is a "symptom" of the bigger problem which is likely an unstable family dynamic. It's hard to have high self-esteem when you come from a family like this.
I thought like this too. Jealousy was never a thought when it came to other people with me. It took for me to get into spirituality for me to see that's what it is. It's crazy, because that still blows my mind. I am the youngest of four girls. They are way older than me. I loved them each so much ( still do ). I idealize the one that hurt me the most. I had done any and everything for her. I've been there for them all, but that one took part in raising me. I was closer to her than the rest but still had relationships with them all individually. They've all had their turn bullying me, call me names taking from me all while taking underhanded shots at me. It took til I turned 30 to back away. I barely have a relationship with any of them now. One I haven't talked to since my mom passed in 2015. I love them, I just know what comes along with having them in my life. It's just not worth it to me. I deal only on my terms if I want to or not. I love them. I also accept what it is.
I am familiar with this all too well. I come from a family that doesn't reciprocate, and they are extremely emotionally neglectful, apathetic, distant, superficial, and selfish. I have always been there for them in their life, career endeavors, and accomplishments, but I don't receive anything in return. So, I have decided to stop supporting all types of people, whether they are family or not, unless there is reciprocity, genuineness, empathy, healthiness, trustworthiness, and respect.
@@Fourwindsofsuccessamen!
My mom would support other people’s accomplishments but completely ignore mine. It was so weird and my brain could never even think she was jealous of me until I started my own healing journey. If I was struggling or going through a challenge time she would engage with me but never showed empathy. Her favorite comment would be, “now you know how I feel,” 😩
I get it also from my mother which is confusing smh.
Showing no empathy,creating Venn diagrams of life events where help was not extended and how resiliency.. thus denying optimistic advises and continuing a down spiral 🥴
Mine too
Your mom probably wasn’t shown empathy. I was surprised when a friend said, “aw” and showed empathy for me. I had never experienced that before. My mom’s go to would be to blame me, show anger or make a joke of me in the situation. I thought that was the norm, being tough laughing it off and moving on. Not until I experienced otherwise could I know it was missing in my family. A book for the lay person on healthy family traits with examples would be very helpful.
Same here, my Mom loved to see me struggle but when I'm going well she wanted nothing to do with me, she would often gossip and bad mouth me when I got out of bad times as if how dare I pick my self up and keep going when I have zero family support! She has the worst energy too she makes me ill when I'm around her I can feel her hatred ever since a small child.
“Must be nice” response to sharing good news - the ultimate passive aggressive jealous phrase.
That's very passive aggressive in deed. Ugly response in most cases.
My mother and older sister were happiest when I was struggling and failing. I never understood why. I wanted a supportive family that celebrated my wins, and that sympathized with my struggled and supported me and eachother. But instead they put down, down played, or even tried to sabotage my wins, and they reveled in my failures. It confused me as to what I had done to deserve all of this. When my older brother got married when I was a kid, his wife was exactly the same way with her sister, so I kinda thought maybe this was how women treat each other. Sadly, it’s way too common among women.
I'm sorry you experienced this but you are right, it is way too common among women. Sometimes even women in a family could perpetuate jealousy amongst the females. It truly is a "weed" that can take root and never subside.
Had a horrendous childhood. It was like growing up with a bunch of mean girls, led by my mum. So much pain. They wanted to hold me down and ruin me. I pushed the memories out of my mind so that they don't destroy me.
Tamara, i think these dysfunctional dynamics spill over to workplaces, with people from similiarily dysfunctional homes, clustering together at work.
Very much agree. They do! If jealousy is not properly dealt with, it becomes a life-long personality trait that can impact the rest of adult life. And it can also continue to impact the victim for years to come in many ways.
Absolutely 💯,%
@@TherapistTamaraHill Best not to bring kids into this messy world!
Yes. Birds of a feather flock together. Of course they will link with each other. They all have the same mindset and those are the people we stay away from.
Yes and it’s very triggering when you grew up as the person who was always trying to figure out why people were angrier with you the more you achieved. Then this happens at the work place, the harder you work and the more you succeed the more your coworkers suddenly start getting very weird and finding fault with you, so you double down and try even harder and this angers them even more and you feel like it must be something you’re doing wrong. Even if you grew up this way (or especially if you grew up this way) it can be very difficult to comprehend that this is, indeed, a toxic work place, because there’s a familiar feeling, and you’re not used to a supportive environment, and so you fall right into the role from your childhood and try so hard to get them to be nice to you, even if it doesn’t work.
Our family has a very cultlike mindset meaning Nobody goes against the family rules or specially the family reputation ! No outsiders are allowed to know what goes on in our family…. Protect the family reputation at all cost…. Unfortunately, I am the family scapegoat and boy it hurts…. Jealousy by both my mom and my sisters….
I'm sorry. 😔
Good point. Some families are very much this way and it becomes a toxic pool of chaos and no one ever reaches out for help, even professional help, because of how "hush - hush" the family is. This does nothing more than keep victims within this dynamic prisoners.
My family was a real cult I had to go no contact. It's now 2yrs.am glad I away.
This is my life totally. Three sisters and mother very jealous ,hateful people.😏
I told myself that I am becoming a farmer, I am weeding out all the toxic plants away from me so that I can grow. I realize that if I didn’t do that, I will never grow.
My parents made my life hell because of their pathological jealousy . Their thought process was we never had it, we never did it, so why should you? Carol N.I. Great subject thank you
I'm so sorry. With these kinds of parents, who needs enemies.
Both my parents were extremely poverty minded and of course they sabotage me for wanting to do better
When the parents constantly jealously balk at the things that they’re giving you, like you’re an ingrate and that you don’t deserve it. You’d think they’d be so happy they could provide these things for their kids, but instead they’re spiteful about it. It’s so weird.
Yes this is true. My mother harped on weight/size she is a narcissist. My sisters are constantly comparing our weight amongst the three of us. I’ve always been the biggest of us three, but when my weight fluctuates and I lose weight they appear unhappy.
Yes. This is a common family dynamic. It can also happen with careers, cars and other material possessions, talents, etc.
Same in my family. My mother mistreated me as a kid because I was a little chunky. It gave me a complex through out my entire life. That my life is a failure if I’m not thin. I still struggle with my weight, everyday of my life. 😢
@hotmomma1552 ...same. I am now 55 and STILL dealing with low self-esteem due to weight. I finally am at a weight I feel physically comfortable with, however I still mentally struggle with feeling like my old self.
Another reason for jealousy, is because they see potential in your life pursuits verses theirs and the don't have the opportunities again to try at accomplishing their personal goals and achievements. Yes, and because they don't have time to work with. So, they feel as though they were cheated, or life wasn't fair, or God was fair to them! So, why should you have all of these doors open for you to choose! They start to feel pity towards themselves and feel like you shouldn't have it as easy as that to excel beyond them. They need an excuse to delay or stagnate or hinder you for an excuse of their failure's! They start assuming and become delusional yes because of their insecurities. It's like a cycle their trying to continue this demonic pattern. My thoughts💭💭
I don’t think my sister wanted to be jealous of me as a child or adult, but the whole family pushed it towards us. We each have our own talents and gifts and they tried to turn us against each other using them. I favor our mother more than my sister and I guess mom got tired of everyone saying I reminded them of her but younger and with different abilities.
But, Mom was able to get my sister on her side of everything against me. They lived ganging up on me and trying to shame and belittle me as a teen.
Recently divorced, my sister offered to let me relocate and stay with her for a bit. Our mother lives with her and is as toxic and duplicitous as ever. I declined. I refuse to have a repeat of Childhood 101.
My sister truly believes our mother’s lies concerning me. I’m fascinated by the “memory lapses” when I remind them of the truth. Suddenly, they don’t recall or remember it that way. Anything I say to my sister is repeated to our mother.
Saddest of all? Our mother is a therapist.
Sad, have you check to see if your mom is a narsasis ,I'm not sure if I spelled that correct because it took me a long time to realize my mom is one .
@@juanitagonzalez8333 She’s very narcissistic and my therapist thinks she is. It could be a toxic version of CPTSD, or some other Cluster B manifestation. All I know is I keep my distance, share nothing with her beyond superficial things, and hope she stays healthy while I heal. I love my mom, but I’m aware of who she is. It’s taken me 50 years to accept that she will never be the mother every child wanted.
I am not married nor do I have children. I’ve lived alone for years! Thank God.
This discussion is very important. Jealous, unhealed elderly 'mother' and disgruntled, resentful elder siblings have been my experience. It's the sickest dynamic I've ever witnessed and experienced first hand. Once you feel and have confirmed the jealousy, you can't unsee and unfeel it.
I'm sorry. This is tough indeed. And I agree, it is a "sick" dynamic.
@@TherapistTamaraHill All the nuances in this upload confirmed so much for me, and you helped me grasp exactly what I've felt. thank you, Tamara.
drama triangle or narcissistic abuse in which a narc parent chose a golden child ( favourite) and scapegoat ( not favourite) and turn them against each other resulting in sibling's rivalry for parental's love and attention. The narc's tactic is to break relationships between members of family to keep the power, bring confusion, chaos and the children's needs to fight for parental love.
The "golden child" & "scapegoat" can be the same person! The former is a façade & latter the reality!
@@roseaduke8835I don’t believe that
@@hotmomma1552 you haven’t lived long enough to have witnessed it. @Roseaduke8835 is absolutely correct. It takes time before the golden child is turned to scapegoat….. it happens once golden child pushes back on parent regarding something unjust that they don’t agree with once they get older and clearer eyed.
This is what happened in my family!
Thank you so much for addressing this issue. This was the dynamic that I grew up with my narc "mother/sister" duo. It was horrible and continued horribly well into adulthood.They were determined to destroy me, my relationships, my career, my finances, ...my entire life. It was very difficult for me to finally realize what was really going on, and that it wasn't me that was the problem. I used to always think that I was the problem and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me that I upset them so much, even though I was a really great kid and high integrity etc. I finally went no-contact a few years ago and that was the best thing I've ever done for myself. That meant cutting off my entire family, both immediate and all of my relatives who are on her side. It's definitely a long journey for healing with a very good therapist, especially at this later stage in life. But am dedicated to my healthy and happy well being and moving past it for good.
You're welcome. And I'm sorry you have had to experience this within your own family. It's never easy to accept or work through.
👏👏👍🙏
Thank you for sharing this. I’m having a similar experience.
A Malignant Covert Narcissist doesn’t have empathy ❤ not capable of unconditional love ❤️ these Demons need to be held accountable ❤
When you become an adult and know something is not right, it's time to really dig into the past and try to understand it. Otherwise you will have no peace. My family was somewhat dysfunctional but I did not realize it until I grew up and moved away.
One thing everyone is not recognizing is the inhumane part of it. It is inhumane to keep someone homeless. Plain and simple.
💯
my mother literally screamed at me that she will never help me and walked away..
left me startled..but after 2minutes i went to her and told her i will not need her help. God is my ever present help..
When I first started standing up to my psychologically/emotionally abusive narcissistic mother, she said, "You NEED me to guide you and help you make correct choices!" I just said calmly back, "I'm an adult human being, and I absolutely do not need your "help" to make my own choices."
She did not react well. Lashed out, screamed, cried, acted like a big ol' victim.
I’m 19 minutes in and I don’t know how to express the overwhelming feeling I’m getting watching this. I recently started navigating away from a toxic dynamic with my father and half sibling . I’m the eldest from my father’s marriage; now divorced. He’s a manipulator/liar, explosive, demeaning, sneaky, and envious. My sibling’s desire to be his favorite is their bond he showers them with praise then without hesitation shreds them down to dust. I use to push back and to gain his favor my sibling would side with him. I have power over my one life to live. I won’t be my sibling scapegoat in our dad’s narcissistic power struggle.
AMEN!!!
Excellent description 🙏🏻peace at any cost. I've lost everything twice due to my foolish naivety that family want the best for you. No they will be satisfied if we are dead, sibling and sociopath aunt put my mother into a premature grave, they tried to destroy me, but God wised me up to escape 🕊❤️
Thank you for sharing this!! Wishing you every success to overcome this bonkers dynamic 💯 and live a life that's free from narcissistic people 💯 and where all your dreams come true 🕊️✨💐🌟
I've lived through that. It is awful and it is all I can do to stand on my feet as an adult and find some self worth. Because of that treatment it took me ten years to let go and trust my husband was not going to hurt me. Just remember you don't have to feel guilty if you go no contact, you are not leaving them, you are leaving their demons. If you stay you are enabling their demons to keep playing games and they will never have the chance to be free. If you leave there is a slim slim slim chance they wake up, but no chance if you stay.
Take care!
I have isolated myself from all family members (nuclear and extended) for over 15 years now.
Carrier is a chronic narc.
She tore up and threw all my certificates and diplomas in the bin. She also tore up baby pics of me.
I will never forget when I was about 23 years old, her sibling would try to age me quickly by calling me old. (Meanwhile, this woman was pushing 50 at the time).
My response: “No matter how old I get, I will always be and look younger than you!”
After that, I became the scapegoat and was made to be ostracised from not only them, but everyone I knew.
They could no longer control me, so they had to control how everyone else sees me.
They tried to reach out in 2020 because her husband died, but I still declined to reconnect.
They know I’m a natural care giver and that’s why they only call whenever there’s a crises. Not anymore though. Boundaries are permanently in tact.
I’m the eldest of 8 and was forced to grow up real fast.
Carrier had 8 children by 7 different men.
This is just a snowflake in the avalanche of my traumatic childhood/young adulthood.
I'm so sorry, you're a trooper and so blessed to be as empathetic and in tune how you are. Wishing you all the best that life has to offer!
@@NotDone-bt2hz 🫶
The first murder happened because a sibling was jealous. Cain killed his brother Abel because he was jealous. “Genesis 4” so you are so correct!
Love your work and thank you 🙏
You're welcome! And thank you. Glad you mentioned this.
They’re nasty how they think and feel. The name calling, abuse etc. I don’t know who’s jealous or not but it’s lame…
This is the FIRST time I have listened to anyone speak about this TOPIC and the entire notion of the jealousy that exists within pathologically ill families. I spent the entire time in engrossed in every word and I could feel the interior crying within myself because every word was telling me what I silently have always known. Now it's totally clear to me. .....This is not in my imagination. THANK YOU DEAREST Tamara. you are ON POINT. tHANK YOU. sO glad I found you.
❤you're welcome 🤗 That, to me, is the beginning of freedom.
❤you're welcome 🤗 Sounds like the beginning of freedom.
My mother roped me into this dynamic with my father. She hated that she had to share the attention with me because he doted on me and loved having a daughter. She used guilt and shame routinely and whatever she was doing behind the scenes to manipulate the situation in her favor. She also extended this to her own extended family, and build coalitions with her siblings, nieces, nephews, and whoever else that would listen to be against me and keep me in line.
Thank you for pointing out this very common family trauma. Sometimes an unhealthy mother can do this and more for many years.
Oh wow so she basically treated you like you are the other woman so to speak
@@UrbanAlchemystic I was Definitely treated as the other woman. My malignant N mother would rage when my father showed me any positive attention. Example: He once bought both my mother and me flowers for Valentines Day. She went berserk screaming at him that she's the only woman in his life - not me. She ripped the flowers out of my hands and threw them in the trash. Years later my father was at my home helping me paint a room. N mother called asking if "her husband was there". When I responded he was she screamed "He better come home Now! He HAS a Wife!" It got to the point where it was easier for him to go along with her and started showing absolute disgust for me to make her happy. I've been No Contact for 2 decades with no family and no extended family. She destroyed every relationship I had with them through her jealousy and smear campaigns.
@@diannetimpson6885wow that’s horrible. She is sick and jealous of her own daughter. It’s so sad, I’m sorry that was your experience.
What i understood with Mother daughter jealousy was " Anything you do, i can do better. Then the daughter stopped sharing with Mother forever
YOU Have lifted the...TABOO FAMILY....VAIL !!! 😳💔🙏🏿😳😪
Yesss ! 💯 percent
Hi Tamara! Pathological jealousy and delusional envy being compared to a weed that takes root is brilliant! I needed this topic for decades, learning late in life. God Bless us survivors of this destructive psychological phenomenon! Thanks for the deep dive! ❤
Hi there! Thank you! And you're welcome ☺
It's sad but this is exactly how jealosy/envy takes hold of families.
@@TherapistTamaraHill absolutely, it contaminated and toxified three generations of my family, culminating in horrifying destruction. I look forward Tamara to your explorations in human relations! Bless you! ❤️
This has been the toxic trauma I have been dealing with for years. I've been ousted out by my mom and sister.
I'm sorry.😔
This is probably the best thing that could have happened to you. I am slowly fading out of my family lives and have no plans of re-enter it, ever. Sometimes you have to let go of the toxicity of family.👍
@@zeemc2751absolutely you're right!
You want your parent to be proud of you, but it's shrouded in jealousy, when you're not in any contest with anyone but yourself. A few friends tried to tell me this years ago, but it was too painful to accept. This is my first time hearing a professional talk about this.
Everything said sounds very accurate.
Dont forget the Religion or religious element of the abuse.
Yes my mother has been jealous of me and my sister but she has managed to pit us against each other. She is always quoting Bible verses to justify her wrongs.
@@divinelovingbeing9074
What I mean by religious zealots is the people that feel they have a grasp on their relationship belief and religion and can now judge others in the name of that belief and religion. Narcissists Sociopaths and psychopaths are abundant in religious settings. Placing themselves above others and believing they are permitted to do so because they have found themselves a religious belief and the Lord supports them in being controlling, manipulative and jealousy.
Whoah. You mentioned Mommy Dearest. My mom calls HERSELF that.
🙈🙉🙊
I think jealousy is what one feels, and envy is the act of being jealous. Eg., the girl envied her sister, she was jealous because she was more beautiful.
No, jealousy is when you are afraid to lose something you have to someone else (i.e. feeling jealous if your best friend has another close friend because you fear losing your importance in your friend’s life.) It’s always regarding something that is already yours that you don’t want to lose to someone else. Envy is when you want what someone else has.
My mom has always been weird with me but when I started dating my son father. I could see the jealous spirit in her !
I’m sorry to hear this. Let's get into it, though. I do think some mothers get jealous when their daughters have a good husband or boyfriend. Especially if the guy is genuinely kind. It's strange, but it's best to stay away from these types and keep your kids away too.
You explained this very well. I lived this dynamic growing up. In my experience they don’t ever change. I only wish I had gotten away from them sooner.
Thank you! Glad this was helpful.
It's so sad when family like this doesn't change. They have to recognize they are at fault first. Most times they don't believe they are so why change? It's sad.
My dad was so proud of me, and my mom saw that. She hides the jealousy well, but it’s so there. It’s obvious in how she hasn’t stood up for me when the siblings made me the family scapegoat.
How very sad that your mom is this way. She should take a look at your father and learn from him.
@@TherapistTamaraHill dad passed almost 20 years ago.
They engineered this dynamic and were silently and covertly feed it. Doubtful they would want to end it. This happened to me too. My mother engineered every evil thought and action. She is the matriarch that created all the hate towards me. I'm totally scapegoated since I can ever remember.
Please don't take this the wrong way but did your dad favor you over them?
My twin sister didn’t even make me guess. She came right out and told me she is jealous of me.
It’s better than guessing trust me I have a covert malignant narcissist twin
I’m a twin too. It’s pretty disappointing to have someone that close who seethes with jealousy. My sister downgraded my education (I have a Bachelor’s degree & she has an Associates degree) as though she was a professional & I was not; told my kids that I exaggerated my pain issues when I could no longer work (I didn’t exaggerate & was depressed when I couldn’t work); and told me with a tense tone “you know, you only have this because of E” when my spouse & I bought our home. Contributions made to my family (cleaning, maintaining our calendar/appointments/schedule; shopping; laundry; cooking) had no value when compared to working & earning money. She crafted mountains out of non-issues & she spread her whacked theories as truth to family, my kids, extended family & my neighbors (many were her coworkers!) I was deemed mentally off as a result of her false narratives and had a breakdown. She smirked about it (really)& insisted on me sharing info with her about it. I declined & stopped talking to her. So, she could then point to my breakdown & say to all, “see, she’s crazy!” She helped push me to that point. With not being able to work, I was viewed as a nobody & she’s a nurse. She was believed despite having no degree of mental health training & besides that, outright lying. I have RA, fibromyalgia, ulcerative colitis, degenerative discs, and - now - a TBI. I wanted to be more present to my husband & kids & my health forced me to work around my health. No compassion from my twin sister nurse. Just hatred. And, I have only wished her well & wanted to support her. It’s very sad & unfortunate. Does this seem familiar to you? Any extra insights when there’s a twin relationship?
You have explained my family dynamics with my twin sister and my mother.I felt like I couldn't breathe without being picked apart.It didn't matter that I was laid back and respectful. I was still treated very poorly.
I'm sorry. That's so stifling. You can't grow and learn about you when you are questioned and picked apart so much.
Same here, also a twin. Wishing you all the best. ❤
There’s just no reason why they’d be jealous, they literally have every single thing I don’t have… and I’m not even her real daughter.
Perhaps to you or in your own eyes. But you don't know what they "see" when they look at or consider you. Jealousy is complicated and sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all.
It could be anything. They could be jealous of your looks, your smarts, your kind heart, good character
They maybe jealous because you’re the only one that is not her real daughter. 😂😂
It is what you are carrying spiritually, your potential.
Thank you! This explains the dysfunction between me and my older siblings. We're in our 70's. 😢
You're welcome.
I can't begin to explain the damage that our mother did to my older brother and sister. They were golden children because they complied with her, and I became the scapegoat because I wouldn't. As I look back, I was the luckiest one. I survived the least damage due to not letting her control me as she did them. My 6 year older brother was going to go to medical school and be a doctor to give her some self esteem and make her happy. He dropped out after the first semester and had a breakdown and moved 800 miles away and got a job in the foam rubber business! 3 year older sister was treated like a Barbie doll and dressed to attract men so she could snag a rich husband. She's been married and divorced 3 times. Her #4 husband was 17 years older and had been married 3 times before her. He passed away 5 years ago and now she is living with a man who is almost 80 years old has been married 5 times and is a known adulterer. Our mother loaned her the money for the 3 divorces, paid for her daughter by her first husband schooling and college and then gave her her house when she died which was our grandmother's house which she is now renting out because she can't pay for the taxes and insurance. She is 73 years old and has nothing but SS. I have been no contact for 9 years with both of them. They both act like our mother did and treat me like and everyone else like our mother did. Oh, my brothers first wife up and left him after only a few years because he was cold and unfeeling like our mother. He married a much younger woman who he could control. She's cold and unfeeling, too. I married someone just like our mother and tried to make it work for 17 years. I divorced him at 40 years old. Same year she died. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me that year. I remarried after 21 years single to the sweetest man I'd ever met. I wasn't getting married again until I had the toxic family of origin out of me. It worked! We've been married happily for almost 10 years. I'm totally and happily No Contact with brother and sister since they showed their horrible behavior around the happiest time of my life. I was DONE with them big time after that. Thanks for listening to me rant! Normal people with normal families can't believe our stories, can they??? Wow!
I got tired of the drama the gossiping the jealousy and i block all my brothers & my only sister & my mom is a narcissis ..
Im living my best life! 😅
Same as me, I need to give up on trying to please my narc mother
My family would never celebrate any accomplishment or support any choices Ive made. They wanted me dumb broke fat and lonely so I would always be available to them to fo what they needed. So needless to say I blocked every one of them and moved on. Im now over the lies and betrayal and feel free to celebrate myself. Hope you all find peace and the love you never received.
My experience as the oldest child has been younger siblings and narc dad being jealous - I am blessed & doing better. I did not want to believe they were jealous - had to take others to awaken me to the family jealousy dynamic. I love them & and I did not want to believe it but have to accept it. I have chosen not to engage but to walk away, I will never have the loving relationship I want.
Thank you for providing the example of the jealous brother.
Yes, you're welcome. I totally understand this perspective. I'm sure a lot of people can relate. Hopefully, you have gained some peace of mind.
@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you for your kind words. I am prayerfully trying to get peace! I have POA of Health for my mom, a sister who has no desire to assist at all and who lives the closest to our Mom brings chaos & confusion - accused me & home health care workers of being sneaky (I stabilized my Mom's home & her health - cost me thousands). My Mom's blood pressure goes through the roof, and she has to either go to the hospital or doctor when this sister visits her. The last visit, a worker wanted to quit. I finally told my Mom that I was dead to her (I think I was harsh) so I called her back & explained that I would continue to take care of her behind the scenes but would no longer take her dumping on me each time my sister visits her home as she sides with her after all that I have done for her and that I need to step away. I also told her of the complaints my sister has filed against her and of her wanting to call adult protective services. I also told her that her body is speaking to her when her blood pressure goes up each time my sister visits her.
I have had to hire my own attorney to handle the drama with my siblings.
I am learning to replace my fear of my Mom's well-being to trust in God. I also have to bring my disappointment of being born to emotionally immature parents to God. I did not ask to be born in this toxic, dysfunctional family!
Again, thank you for the video content.
This is my same experience but a jealous father and two younger sisters.
My sister keeps pushing herself on me and I don’t want anything to do with her, because she is a very nasty person but acts sweet and is the life of the party around other people. She called me the other day and said she will be flying to where I live, on the west coast and she lives on the east coast. She said her boyfriend, who is married to another woman, wants to bring her out here for a vacation. I told my husband and he said to just make things very quick with her when she comes out here, and just tell her you are busy with work. I really don’t want to be around her, for one she is sleeping with a married man and two whenever she is around me, she stares me down with a look of hatred. I look just like my mom and she looks just like her dad and she can’t stand that.
Wow, follow your first mind and keep yourself away from her.
The "mommy dearest" idea is real. My husband's mother 😢
oh yes. I remember what you have shared with me and on the channel.
Thankyou so much for this ❤
This iss my life story i am now alone and havent spoke to my mom or brothers its like i lost them because of her head jealousy thankyou mam this is so necessary i thought this was a ethnic mental dynamic i dont know but this is such a blessing You are a blessing ❤🙏❤
You're welcome 🤗And thank you for this kind comment. So glad this is helpful to you. God knows what we need.
I could write a book about the toxic dynamic my mother created towards me. It began when I was 1-year old. To this day so many years later, she said that I didn't need her anymore, that she didn't feel needed by me when I was 1, because I was already showing signs of becoming independent. The alliance is with my sister, who was the result of an affair with the neighbor.
you are beautiful. cut that cord loose and live your life..enjoy without them.
My 40s have been a worldwind of education, healing and "extra empathy" because of your channel.
Thank you for covering this topic, Tamara. So many terms to process and sit with.
Dispositional Sibling Jealousy is real.
You're welcome!!
That's so wonderful to hear! I'm glad. And thank you for sharing this. The purpose for the channel is to reveal the truths so many of us don't find on a daily basis.
My mother passed a couple of years ago. Things have been calm or calmer but the state of mind has been deeply planted with strong roots.
I'm sorry and sorry for your loss. Tough road. I know all too well.
Thank you for touching this very taboo issue. It is the elephant in the room. The denial is definitely the hardest part. My mom passed away several years ago, the back biting and hate that I dealt with for decades finally ended. My younger siblings picked right up where she left off. I am at extremely low interactions and am happy because I could finally acknowledge what was going on. Thank you again
I've been scapegoated by my family for about 20-25 years, since I was a late teen. Sometimes, my dad (my only real supporter) shows me regard and stands up for me. He is then almost instantly accused of "coddling me" by my siblings. Because they will always believe that I am a "broken freak" who only deserves disregard and disrespect. I hate it. I went no contact a few weeks ago, and have never felt more free and at peace.
I buried it. Had a funeral for it. It is done. I won't accept a trace of that kind of behavior in my own family today. I was affected by sibling rivalry. We fought until we bled each other. My mother stood and watched. It didn't just happen between my sister and I. It happened by all of my brothers and sisters. I am the youngest of 8 on my mom's side. They all fought physically viciously with each other. My mom always compared my sister and I. I used to be sick of it. She would praise me for my school work just so my sister could fightt me up at the end. I realized I tried to dim my light so I didn't feel so bad. She would make everyone hate me on the block. My mother was a number. I blame her for her behavior. And the bashing she did to me verbal abuse. Anyway I have eliminated all problems I won't mention them no more. Lots of betrayals and condoning my sister's behavior and my other siblings. I thought if I was super good then I didn't have to be picked on. I was wrong.
Dysfunctional dynamics! In the past I experienced it first hand and they also are the workplace bullies who clustering together. Worst when a manager is one of those people🤢
That's a good point to point out workplace bullies. Some research into the psychology of jealousy does show that these personality traits often spill over into the workplace. The workplace is often another example of how that jealous individual engages in all "group dynamics."
I finally got myself to freedom and safety!
Its no wonder society doesn't recognize it. Those experiencing it cant even believe its real while it's happening.
As an adolescent with an eating disorder, there were moments that my mom would covertly compete with my diet, rituals, etc. Constantly talk about triggering topics, brag about her "achievements", even introduced me to laxatives. I dismissed it as it was crazy, but I was right. Over a decade later, I gaslit myself for thinking her and my sister were sabotaging me.. After my sister was divorced, I tried helping her as a single mom. I believe she couldn't tolerate being inferior- the one thing I excelled- she destroyed and then alienated me.
I didn't know this was a thing until 2019 when I was 39 years old.
I’m thankful I had loving grandparents. It made my childhood so much better. I have lots of good memories of them.
Yes. That's such a blessing. A lot of people don't have this.
That's so good you had someone there. Its really hard when you have no other relatives to go to or become bonded with in a healthy way. Unfortunately my grandparents played into this nonsense.
Interesting subject I'm the middle child never got any support from my mother or siblings still don't but I was able to overcome even though it was very hurtful always felt different looked upon because I am very caring nurturing and compassionate
Oh my god, you describe the environment where I grew up in.
Thank you for this LIVE. This hour finally validated the abuse that I sustained from the coalition between my Mom and sister.
You're welcome!! I'm glad this was helpful to you. Sometimes all we need is knowledge to start the healing process.
Such a facinating conversation and a great channel...ty💕. My younger half sister's (2) and one brother were all wards of the state and put in foster care..except me. I partially grew up knowing my parents and that they were both indeed my blood parents. ( they were not sure) Later I meet my half sisters and brother as a young adult only to get ostracized by them due to them being jealous that I was never in foster care as they all were...even when they knew I still suffered in childhood just as they did raised by my aunt. I finally gave up trying to know them. My brother has his grown daughter call me periodically...not to show care concern or invite me into their fold but to check and see if I'm still single and struggling ( I see this clearly finally)..as they all got married and have their own families..while I remained single. A real cat and mouse like game. I'm done. Boundaries in place now..I see the light..the game.😢
Just found you ... recently right after going no contact for the past 2.5 yrs i got pulled into it again after my sister texted me about a supposed death of my neices child. I called her twice to talk and got zero response! It caused me to email and no response then sent happy birthday and mother's day..then i had a meltdown weeks later after a job interview.. called my father and he hung up on me and texts with my mother. Went back and texted my sister and called her out. Too late i really dont care anymore. They left me in California.. yes my mother has pitted my older sister against me for years.. before i cut them off back in 2017 my mother said she would write me out of her will just because she didn't like my suggestions for helping het decorate a wall when she lives out of state!! Complete insanity!! I actually am blessed i was left behind.!! Subscribed. You are so accurate in your analysis. Thank you this was very healing and ontime.
Hang in there. You're not alone.
Welcome to the channel! Glad to have you and Thank YOU. So glad this was helpful.
Sounds like a lot of painful family dynamics here. It will take you some time to organize all of this in your mind and heart and then heal. I will be talking about this coming up on Saturday live. I welcome you.
OMG You will be so much better off without them!
Thank you for going over this subject... I Was the rescuer.. Not anymore.
You're welcome!
The rescuer role is rough! Knowing your boundary is the healthiest way to manage this role if need be.
The treatment underlies so many problems individuals face in so many parts of our lives
My fiancé is the black sheep of the family and he has jealous parents and siblings and they have tried so hard to tear him down but through the God grace my Fiancé has been able to push through it and is one of the most strongest man I have ever known. I know that God made him stand out for a reason and they can’t stand the fact that God put something in him and they didn’t get that.
You are already my rock star! I and my family ARE the drama 🔺️ TOXIC! We all want out and the right help is not available at our expense! This was the easiest way that I could describe without a million page book!
🤗Thank you! Glad to have you on the channel and I'm also glad these chats are helpful to you. Just knowing the dynamic and that you are not alone can be healing in and of itself.
I think it's normal to be jealous if you're a scapegoat and other kid is golden or just not targeted because that person appears safe and can live their life and scapegoat is always in fear
Sometimes jealousy may come up in this dynamic. Again, the problem is when it festers and grows into evil behaviors, active roles to harm, and intentions against the child.
doesnt bother me at all. sat right next to my golden child brother at the thanksgiving table and completely ignored him, his kids and his girlfriend. sat right next to each other, not on purpose. ate my food and talked to everyone else. i could care less.
Why do you hate your golden child, brother? Did he try to talk to you? Are you jealous of him or he is jealous of you? Or did his kids and girlfriend try to talk to you? I don't understand what that accomplished; it sounds passive-aggressive to me. Kids should not be held responsible for the sins of their parents; it is wrong to reject them and try to make them feel ashamed for something they have no control over. If you have a problem with your brother, start a conversation with him about it, maybe not at the Thanksgiving table, but certainly afterward. There is way too much passive aggressiveness going on in families, with people walking on eggshells around each other, shunning them, badmouthing them behind their backs, and ganging up on them; the only way to solve the problem is to have a talk! If the aggressor won't talk because they are a POS, then you should make it known to the rest of the family by talking with them or through written communication, but don't point the finger at them and make them defensive; nothing will get solved. I wish that I had done this when my parents were alive, as well as one of my brothers, who sadly died of cancer 13 years ago. Once they are gone, you can't clear the air, and you are the one who suffers, not them! Communication is the only way to solve problems, and it should be open and honest, not accusing and blaming. Hopefully, that will lead to some self-awareness and repentance, but if not, you will need to grieve the loss. It's not easy. But whatever you do, don't use passive-aggressiveness as a way to show your displeasure or hatred of them; they probably have no idea what you are mad about! Only you are suffering from that nonsense! Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!
@@clarebaxter777the Bible says the sins of the father becomes the child’s. So a parent can definitely cause the children to suffer. That’s not passive aggressive behavior if she/ he did not want to associate with the brothers’ family. It’s called protecting yourself from abuse. You should research it before passing judgment.😏
@@hotmomma1552I've been in situations where I had to purposely ignore someone, as a protective measure but the person decided to talk to me (maybe thinking the past was "water under the bridge"). I think that it what clare meant.
Bumped into this at the right time. Accept that I'm such a situation is not only heartbreaking, it's actually eye-opening. I now understand that I was not delusional. It opened so many wounds, I need to face. Thank you😮
Hi Tamara- I'm so happy to know there's someone like you that's willing to drop your knowledge on us. I'm the Rival in this heartbreaking system. My entire 59 years have been so exhausting. Thank you so much for putting a name to this scenario. God bless you Tamara- keep it coming!
You're welcome. That's sometimes all the healing we need -- a label and clear understanding.
And Thank you!! God bless you too. I'm glad to have you on this channel
@@TherapistTamaraHill You're so right!- I feel so much better just knowing what's going on in my life - I actually feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off of me🙏🏾
Thank you 🙏🏿 SisStar of the Light. After listening to your message, I suddenly innerstand that jealousy was what I went through with my mother (who is deceased) and the pattern is now playing out in my younger sister, even though I am the one who cared for both of them deeply and materially took are of my mother, my sister and her 6 children. Thank you for caring and sharing.
You're weclome! That's so kind, thank you! 💓
And I'm sorry you have had to go through this
So thankful you are discussing a forbidden topic in families. I have overcome!
Yes
I’ve experienced this and so has my husband but I feel like he’s not at the place of acceptance but his brother is so jealous
Oh my. Yes. This is a challenging dynamic between brothers. Think Cain and Able.
I don't know what the issue was in relation to my mother and how she really felt about me as her eldest daughter and my relationship with the youngest daughter. I remember that I get into verbal arguments with this sibling and I was always the one who had to stifle what I could say by my mother . My mother would always jump to the defense of my sister. I never understood why I would have to suppress my feelings, my response to whatever my sister would attack me. Sometimes the arguments would get to the point of my sister attacking me physically. I can remember my sister physically attacking me and humiliated me in front of company because she didn't like something I said in response to her verbal attack on me..I did not try to strike back because my sister was expecting at the time. I got up and walked away.. When I later came back and my mother was angry with me and would not speak to me as though I was in the wrong. My mother would also take things from me to give to this sibling. I was to accept whatever my sister would dish out towards me.
Sadly this goes on so frequently for the oldest parentified scapegoated child.
same
Your have no idea how glad I am for finding this video and your channel. You explained 26 years of my life, my family dynamic and the whole drama. It’s unbelievable that psychologists don’t speak about it more often.
Agreed. In fact, it might be common to be in denial and/or ignorant to this seriously destructive envy and the damages done to their targets.
It is so important to face these truths
There’s a thin line between “jealousy and hatred”.
Good point.
Naw they definitely go hand in hand. The line is not thin. A person that hates you is more than likely jealous. A person jealous of you hates your guts. You think they don’t? What’s thin about that? 🤨🧐
I'm so glad I came across this video! You are so on point! This is awesome "Real Talk" information. I will subscribe to your channel. I'm going through some wicked, jealous dynamics from certain family members including towards me. My oldest brother, my mother, and my second youngest sister! The devil is a liar. I REBUKE their evil demeanors against me! In Jesus Name! Amen! 🙏🏾
1:15 ....THANK YOU TH.
..... YOU JUST HELP ME EXPLAIN TO MYSELF THE REASON FOR MY COLLECTION OF POSSESSIONS ...
I'VE ALWAYS HATED THE WORD HOARDING ....
BECAUSE I NEVER FELT LIKE IT EXPLAINED WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME ..... I NEVER FELT LIKE I FITTED THE MOLD OF A HOARDER .
BUT I'VE ALWAYS FELT THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN MORE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE ,
AND PART OF WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME IS I HAVE ADHD
..... THEREFORE I'VE BECOME A JACK OF ALL TRADES ....
BUT PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT , LABELS ME AS A HOARDER ..... I LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY WHEN ALL THE PARTS OF MY PUZZLE COMES TOGETHER .....
HOARDER IS NOT A NICE WORD ..
ESPECIALLY WHEN THOSE SAME PEOPLE COME TO MY HOME WITH THEIR PALMS STRETCHED OUT ....
Thank you so much ❤❤❤
ENVY AND EVIL GOES HAND IN HAND ...
i’ve been through exactly this and what helped me is having a relationship with God not trying to be so religious but if i told y’all my story you would most certainly cry. I had to leave my home state while pregnant it was that bad. but now i’m doing great as a single mother I got therapy faithful spiritual leaders etc. Remember we are warriors some people tried to simply destroy us but they failed at doing so. usually it’s a generational curse and we were the ones to stop it! I refuse to live in this trauma and allow them to have power over my life. We are powerful to even still be standing ❤❤❤
Thank you! I think my neighbor is jealous of her sister... We all deserve love and support, sometimes we must give it to ourselves.
Hello, Ms. Hill! You were in my recommendations and I stopped by to let you know that your topics are perfectly descriptive of this type of toxicity. This is the first of your videos that I've listened to and subscribed 5 minutes in. I had to move hundreds of miles away to clear my head and protect my children. We have something in common, I didn't like my mother or my 4 brothers' girlfriends copying my unique style. It definitely didn't not feel like flattery, more like several one-ups. Thank you, many of us are struggling to come to terms after such a silent, pervasively destructive and covert abuse, that has destroyed many facets our childhood development. While we struggle to regain a long forgotten footing, more damaged people find us to dump and perpetuate the pain we are trying desperately to find relief from.
Thank you for subbing! Welcome. Glad to have you.
And you said it well here: "...a silent, pervasively destructive and covert abuse..." It's saddening that so many people are dealing with this. I do hope these conversations serve as validation and ultimately healing.
Among other reasons, one reason I don't want family over is hearing them criticize me about my "taste" (or lack thereof). Ex: I didn't know that it's outdated to hang pictures with glass frames - last time I checked home decor shows, they're still using it. Another time I wanted highlights framing the front of my face which was trendy at the time, and I was accused of imitating them, at which point I told them they didn't have a monopoly on it.
Támara, I’m watching the replay and would like to thank you for this topic. It’s difficult to believe that familial jealousy exists, but it does.
You're welcome!! I'm so glad this was helpful. Sad topic, but needed.
My mother and brother were jealous of me all my life. They never changed. They caused a lot of problems for me in life.
Yes they never change. Its best to stay away from them and let them live their lives. The sibling is always in competition its disgusting.
this video is awesome..and mentions so much of what I experienced..I wanted to bring up one specific issue and I wonder if you could expound on that situation..I've seen many girls and women especially targeted for narratives such as "bipolar, or crazy, or alcoholic"...the brother had called his sister "alcoholic"...I had both parents that were sadistic cruel selfish domineering, envious and pathologically jealous... I went through absolutely being tortured woken up to be sleep deprived until I understood I had no rights to see myself as who I was,...someone that deserved to be valued and has normal decent goals,... to break the cycle and to have a good honest life.
------that wasn't allowed to be for me..I had no idea why..----.but it's taken me ages to accept I was never an alcoholic...there are many lies they told me about what happened,... and I understand how I was continually broken down....and I can see how I was brainwashed by having the same thing repeated over and over to me incessantly until I responded like I was trained to respond...even speaking lies about myself which had no basis in facts.
one of those was 'alcoholic'' I remembered how I tried to defend myself and immediately got pounced on ,..
this kinda stuff isn't talked about.
parental jealousy,.... and the things they get away with are so atrocious...because there is such a little amount of sharing on this form of family harm...
I am so grateful you are speaking on this and sharing with us about the realities of what many of us experience..
The older my Mom gets, the worse she has gotten. I always knew she preferred my brother over me, but his weekend, she told my 13-year-old daughter she wished she had 2 sons instead of me. That hurt both of us a lot. We try really hard to be kind to her and make her feel special, but nothing I do is ever good enough, and all my mistakes are perpetual. There is no real forgiveness of me.
I’m now realizing trying to throw me in a pond as a joke while I was crying and screaming at 7 years old was not normal.
I'm so glad you're discussing this topic. I've felt this way for quite some time regarding my mother. She's said it and demonstrated on so many occasions. I don't feel that she's ever liked me. When I say this to her she never denies it but only says in an angry tone, "don't start"
Gosh, I’m happy to say I cannot relate to this subject.. Thank God! I have the best sister ever!! Let me exit the room.
I have helped my mom and aunt pay for ten children for decades. My mom had 8 kids with five different men.
I was giving her $400.00 a month for years and she says some of the worst things ever to me. She has kicked me out of her house on multiple occasions and she will call me up out of the blue to tell me that she needs something from me.
I finally hate her guts after 40 some years of this. At 65 I have been able to purchase art supplies. I have finally been able to decorate my house and I enjoy having money to spend.
0:30 First Time Viewer, the title got me interested right away...
Glad to have you!
So I'm an only child....I know my mother loves me, but she does not like me. She will brag about other women my age who she knows in front of my face....She never really is on my side...and takes no accountability for the lack of emotional support she failed to show me. It's like..she tolerates me.
Parents like this can be emotionally neglectful and apathetic. They tolerate your presence and take you for granted without truly supporting you. They may say they love you, but their actions show otherwise. They aren't there for you in meaningful ways, nor do they celebrate your achievements.
I've seen my mother be more supportive of strangers or women my age than she ever was of me. I realized I had a trauma bond with her; she talks to me like a friend, not in a healthy mother-daughter way. She still gets excited about old high school friends but never shows that light with me. She forms bonds with others and supports her nieces more than me, despite their indifference.
I've come to understand that she hides her jealousy and pretends to care. I know what it's like to be merely tolerated. It's superficial, and it's time to step away for good. We deserve better.