Enmeshed family. My needs have been invalidated and squashed. I'm trying to work off being a people pleaser. I'm learning myself. Learning my personality and appreciating all that I am.
I have always had self neglect for years. I wanted to please others to accept me and I noticed from my observation of my patterns and social dynamics that I was seeking for someone to love , hear,and understand me and then I ended up lost and broken up. I really realized that comes from my wounded self and the inner neglected child from my family. But when I began my healing journey and doing the work that empowers me , I was able to notice negative patterns I was living which were destroying me as a woman who always wants to grow . I realized that I can't live like this . And that leads me to make changes and think more of my own needs and I'm the most important person in the world and I deserve it. Life gets better now when I'm more connected to my inner self. Nicole my angel thank you for this topic.
oh my stars. Are you living in my head? I've spent 25 years as a nurse, lived in codependent relationships & tend to everyone else's needs except mine. I'm just beginning this journey & there are days it feels very overwhelming. I'm the oldest child in a family where my younger brother had a lot of health and behavior issues. My mother had her own health issues & my dad was an alcoholic. I'm beginning to realize that I was invisible in my family of origin and my role was to make us appear normal. Sitting with these things, feeling them instead of medicating them & honoring my own voice feels unfamiliar and scary. Thanks for the work you do.
OMG..."my role was to make us appear normal"... that hit home...hard! Thank you so much for this input!!! I feel like there's sth coming up in me which I haven't been able to vocalise yet. Hope you're doing fine and thanks again!
Just a great segment. Im learning this. The challenge for me has always been guilt. I always feel guilty for relaxation, self discovery and private time because it takes away from or is less important than handling my obligations (survival mode). I think gradually caring for mental/emotional needs will build a strong practice, its just a matter of dealing with the guilt first, for me.
Thanks for the video. When I try to take care of myself I get so much internal and external pushback, you’re selfish, you’re insane, you don’t even know what you’re doing. That kind of makes sense because I’ve built my whole life around self neglect so of course everyone I’ve surrounded myself with is going to be about that too. Then I think of changing EVERYTHING in my life, people places and things. Then I’m overwhelmed, and want to take a nap.
For me, it doesn't show up as focusing on others needs, rather I am focused on myself but putting the effort into caring for myself feels exhausting. Ty for this video. I would love an updated one.❤
I have CPTSD, from childhood. I feel like I was never allowed to be fully human with needs of my own. My life was all about staying safe from abuse. Then as an adult I have started every relationship as the person I thought the other wanted me to be. I thought that it was the only way to get love. If my family didn't love me for who I am why would anyone else? Of course these relationships did not last and I have myself to blame, I wasn't allowing myself to be human. I am trying very hard to have just small periods of time out of suvival mode which is freeze for me. I appreciate your content very much.
Thank you for so vulnerably sharing your experience-- most of the habits we have were at one time our best attempt at keeping ourselves safe in an unsafe environment. Sending you so much love as you continue your healing journey!
I have been stuck in a pattern of self neglect & prioritising other people’s needs for a long time now. I have taken myself out of my old environment and, of course, have experienced that my new environment just takes on the same patterns that i ran away from. Two months ago I decided to live in my van in an attempt to get away from everything but come closer to myself and it has been the most difficult thing i’ve done. Losing all old means of validation lead to show my deep self-destructive patterns and lack of connection to myself and my needs. This video came to me on a difficult morning and for some reason i never connected my negative emotional experiences to the idea that i am NEGLECTING myself. Because i did not know what my needs are, i couldn’t tend to them and this just felt like my normal state of miserable being.. But i know this realisation is just the beginning. I’ll visit your other content on the topic of connecting to your own needs & prioritising them, But i would love to see more content on this topic! Thank you for your care.
Came to realise that my self-neglect is in a fucked up way actually a self-protection mechanism. It prevents me from experiencing the worse consequences that going through a negative emotion brings along. A pattern reinforced by my parents who (god bless them) don’t (know how to) acknowledge any negative emotions in their life. And their only need/expectation of me growing up and now as a adult is to be HAPPY which is not possible when you are feeling negative emotions. Thus me experiencing negative emotions are stopping me from experiencing happiness which thus stops me from meeting my parents expectations & experiencing their love and validation. All i want is to be loved! Which is what i need to start giving myself… 💔
Thank you so much for this and all your videos. You explain things so well and isolate topics so they're easy to find and learn about in a simple way and it has meant so much to me. Thank you, really.
Yes! i've noticed this is coming out not only for myself strongly lately but even friend levelling up as well. FINALLY. my culture and conditioning taught me being the martyr is a good thing....woah i was misled.
cultural conditioning can for sure play a role in this habit, I know my Italian heritage taught me "family is everything", even at the expense of my own self + needs
I think that self neglect needs to be spelt out and nuanced! As a therapist, many of my clients just can't see that they self neglect! It's a great video A very important topic..there just maybe could be a deeper dive on what it " means " ....
This (like all of your videos) is such a great reminder that checking in and figuring out what I need/how I'm feeling is critical for me to do throughout the day. I come from decades of abuse, bullying and trauma and as I heal from it all, your work is so helpful. Thank you.
How do you know self care, most times I feel that I wasting time or lost of time in self care moments. How do you teach your self it okay too have self care time vs feeling your being selfish. Something in side me tells me it not okay or it feels wrong to take time for me. But not when I am in nature. I still can’t figure that out. Taking time for me feels wrong or bad or something.
It's a process of making those promises to yourself + reminding yourself that you are worthy of making them-- over time those deeper beliefs around "selfish" should change.
I often feel guilty for self care. I know I need it but the little voice, the little girl in me says that I am being selfish. That I only care about me. I feel bad when I think of my self. I am trying to do better for myself but I don’t feel worthy. I am trying to create space in my mind for myself. Moments of self awareness. Trying to do better for me but again that feels selfish. Childhood trauma a mother who always had to be the center of attention. I wasn’t allowed to feel anything. I was unwanted by my father and mother. A mistake that should have been aborted.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the work you do and share. You have truly changed my life! I love your book (I’m halfway through and already learned SO much), love your podcast and I’m always looking forward to seeing you post on IG or here! Thank you dear Nicole 🙏🏼🤍
If I needed to take care of my needs after having some downtime of taking care of my little family, I would go into recluse and just start arting. Meditation and breathing. Take a nap. Pray to God and have conversations out loud with him lol. Or eat my favorite foods (I love food 😋) and indulge in my favorite hobbies. Take a walk.
Thanks. Need Part II! Caught in survival mode the past 5 plus years from family illness/death, plus earlier Superstorm Sandy and 9/11. I've forgotten myself and am finally able to work on coming back. .
I think even before my divorce and trying to keep all things going after having children have left me in survival mode. Then when the divorce happened I tried to make up for the other parent not being there. Not until my health failed and a relationship I desperately want to work has struggled have i been able to now take the steps in the right direction finally!!! Love what you do!!
I went to a dinner tonight with people I 'used to know' and a couple of friends I am still friends with so I was feeling bad not to go but I so didn't want to go as I don't live in the same country anymore as them and hadn't seen most of them for many years and there was therefore no point in reconnecting with the other people. I really just wanted to have a quiet evening and not have awkward and meaningless conversations all evening. I did go but my step tonight was to leave after 2 hours whilst everyone was still there having dinner. I just couldn't, I decided to put myself first after all...Better late than never....I will see my two dear friends another time.
What a huge step in taking care of yourself Anne!! I know I found myself in similar positions often coming up with a million reasons why I "should" or "needed" to show up, only learning (over time) that showing up for others at the sake of myself only ends in resentment + continued unmet needs
The best environment to heal was to be alone to reflect on my needs. But it didn’t prepare me to live w/ my partner. I don’t know how to live w/ someone without reverting back to codependency
How can I deal with people who deny my reality and attack me as I'm meeting my needs? I know that they react negatively because they don't like seeing the other version of me. You know while I'm in this journey, I'm feeling alone. And it's ok as long as I'm doing what is best for me.
i mean if people are going off at you for you doing things so that you can live a healthier life.....you dont want them people in your life at all. cut them out and move on
@@TheHolisticPsychologist people around me want to keep me as they used to know me before change. Actually I didn't tell them that I'm changing and I'm on a journey because I know that they won't understand. I keep that for myself and this is the hardest part. No support, no understanding,Unfortunately.
Thank you, I'm just starting to like life because I'm starting to think what do I like, what do I need, I'm ordering some essential oils because I think it will lift me up and vitamins to get me healthy and I'm eating fruits and veggies more for a healthy way of living and discovering what my preferences are and allowing me to enjoy them, in the past I was like well my mom needs this or the kids need this, one day I'll get that tea set and try quality tea and sit in meditation and smell the roses, I think that day has come :)
I have the space now but i feel that anything i would do is futile and no matter how much i talk positively to myself that self care will make me feel better even if doesn't feel good now i can't do it consistently, and i cant break out from "self avoidance" i just can't
But, what about not even believing you deserve care? Compounded with survival mode? What if you’re desperately trying not to F up your kids because you know you are so I’ll equipped to manage yourself, but you are suppose to care for them??? What if you’ve tried to do one small thing for yourself and failed? What if you own doing the work and still are stuck?
I don’t know if you drive Elizabeth? So hoping this analogy is relatable. Think back to being a learner driver, the very first lesson. The clunkiness of trying to use the foot pedals, knowing which one was the accelerator/brake/clutch. The pressure needed to balance between the clutch and accelerator. Then adding in the road and others cars. Then fast forward to being a driver 15 years later and the ease with which we drive. My point? Learning how to do all of this self care and trauma work, without an instructor (if not in therapy) is hard. It might take lots of time to get comfortable and competent in it. Daily action, over time will compound the benefits. Then one day you may find you’re ‘driving skilfully’ without realising/reflecting. Nicole has a book, so maybe start there? It’s difficult stuff, made more difficult by your current circumstances x
As you are the one experienced and practiced internal locus of control for while now. How much changes and relief is possible with these efforts is possible.?
There must be a spiritual plane in which being ‘in service of others’ is an enlightened state. But for me, not enlightened most of the time, being in service of others is just a perpetuation of the ‘I don’t count’ syndrome.
So true Rose Mary, many times we can use "serving" others as evidence of how little we matter, changing those deeper rooted beliefs through daily action is key!
Also, thank you for your insights, your work, your outreach. You are the only new-age YouTub’er out there who explains clearly how our current mental/emotional condition is very often derived from an amorphous past, built moment to moment, creating our experience tapestry. As opposed to so much talk about single traumatic experiences being the shapers of our psyche. Not to disregard traumatic experiences, no! But for some of us our entire existence was a continuous traumatic experience, to be arduously unraveled. Thanks again, you’re super!
Enmeshed family. My needs have been invalidated and squashed. I'm trying to work off being a people pleaser. I'm learning myself. Learning my personality and appreciating all that I am.
As a fellow recovering people pleaser, I for sure know how difficult it can be!
I have always had self neglect for years. I wanted to please others to accept me and I noticed from my observation of my patterns and social dynamics that I was seeking for someone to love , hear,and understand me and then I ended up lost and broken up. I really realized that comes from my wounded self and the inner neglected child from my family. But when I began my healing journey and doing the work that empowers me , I was able to notice negative patterns I was living which were destroying me as a woman who always wants to grow . I realized that I can't live like this . And that leads me to make changes and think more of my own needs and I'm the most important person in the world and I deserve it. Life gets better now when I'm more connected to my inner self. Nicole my angel thank you for this topic.
Same Re Li, I didn't show up for myself for years yet held everyone else responsible for my needs that continued to be unmet!
oh my stars. Are you living in my head? I've spent 25 years as a nurse, lived in codependent relationships & tend to everyone else's needs except mine. I'm just beginning this journey & there are days it feels very overwhelming. I'm the oldest child in a family where my younger brother had a lot of health and behavior issues. My mother had her own health issues & my dad was an alcoholic. I'm beginning to realize that I was invisible in my family of origin and my role was to make us appear normal. Sitting with these things, feeling them instead of medicating them & honoring my own voice feels unfamiliar and scary. Thanks for the work you do.
haha not in your head thought lived a similar coming from a codependent family myself + know how overwhelmed I felt at the beginning of my journey!
❤❤❤❤
OMG..."my role was to make us appear normal"... that hit home...hard! Thank you so much for this input!!! I feel like there's sth coming up in me which I haven't been able to vocalise yet. Hope you're doing fine and thanks again!
Just a great segment. Im learning this. The challenge for me has always been guilt. I always feel guilty for relaxation, self discovery and private time because it takes away from or is less important than handling my obligations (survival mode). I think gradually caring for mental/emotional needs will build a strong practice, its just a matter of dealing with the guilt first, for me.
Same here-- I still have to work through feelings of guilt when I choose to meet my own needs!
Thanks for the video. When I try to take care of myself I get so much internal and external pushback, you’re selfish, you’re insane, you don’t even know what you’re doing. That kind of makes sense because I’ve built my whole life around self neglect so of course everyone I’ve surrounded myself with is going to be about that too. Then I think of changing EVERYTHING in my life, people places and things. Then I’m overwhelmed, and want to take a nap.
I hear ya Chris-- I still have moments of internal pushback when I choose to honor my own needs
You are worth your own effort. Anybody who doesn't believe or support that doesn't deserve to be a part of your life.
I absolutely self neglect daily. I’m finally learning to give myself a little bit more self love at age 45.
For me, it doesn't show up as focusing on others needs, rather I am focused on myself but putting the effort into caring for myself feels exhausting. Ty for this video. I would love an updated one.❤
I have CPTSD, from childhood. I feel like I was never allowed to be fully human with needs of my own. My life was all about staying safe from abuse. Then as an adult I have started every relationship as the person I thought the other wanted me to be. I thought that it was the only way to get love. If my family didn't love me for who I am why would anyone else? Of course these relationships did not last and I have myself to blame, I wasn't allowing myself to be human. I am trying very hard to have just small periods of time out of suvival mode which is freeze for me. I appreciate your content very much.
Thank you for so vulnerably sharing your experience-- most of the habits we have were at one time our best attempt at keeping ourselves safe in an unsafe environment. Sending you so much love as you continue your healing journey!
This was me … I lived this way for 30 years!!!!
Same Ryanne, until I began to create space for small new choices each + every day!
People pleaser right here.
I have been stuck in a pattern of self neglect & prioritising other people’s needs for a long time now. I have taken myself out of my old environment and, of course, have experienced that my new environment just takes on the same patterns that i ran away from. Two months ago I decided to live in my van in an attempt to get away from everything but come closer to myself and it has been the most difficult thing i’ve done. Losing all old means of validation lead to show my deep self-destructive patterns and lack of connection to myself and my needs. This video came to me on a difficult morning and for some reason i never connected my negative emotional experiences to the idea that i am NEGLECTING myself. Because i did not know what my needs are, i couldn’t tend to them and this just felt like my normal state of miserable being.. But i know this realisation is just the beginning. I’ll visit your other content on the topic of connecting to your own needs & prioritising them, But i would love to see more content on this topic!
Thank you for your care.
Came to realise that my self-neglect is in a fucked up way actually a self-protection mechanism. It prevents me from experiencing the worse consequences that going through a negative emotion brings along.
A pattern reinforced by my parents who (god bless them) don’t (know how to) acknowledge any negative emotions in their life. And their only need/expectation of me growing up and now as a adult is to be HAPPY which is not possible when you are feeling negative emotions. Thus me experiencing negative emotions are stopping me from experiencing happiness which thus stops me from meeting my parents expectations & experiencing their love and validation. All i want is to be loved!
Which is what i need to start giving myself… 💔
@@DijkmanC What a helpful insight to have Christian, there are often many different reasons we self-neglect, most of which are aimed at protection!
Thank you so much for this and all your videos. You explain things so well and isolate topics so they're easy to find and learn about in a simple way and it has meant so much to me. Thank you, really.
Yes! i've noticed this is coming out not only for myself strongly lately but even friend levelling up as well. FINALLY. my culture and conditioning taught me being the martyr is a good thing....woah i was misled.
cultural conditioning can for sure play a role in this habit, I know my Italian heritage taught me "family is everything", even at the expense of my own self + needs
Than you The Holistic
I think that self neglect needs to be spelt out and nuanced! As a therapist, many of my clients just can't see that they self neglect! It's a great video A very important topic..there just maybe could be a deeper dive on what it " means " ....
Yeh, like, I am pretty sure I do this but I need examples.
I appreciate the feedback Dominique!
This (like all of your videos) is such a great reminder that checking in and figuring out what I need/how I'm feeling is critical for me to do throughout the day. I come from decades of abuse, bullying and trauma and as I heal from it all, your work is so helpful. Thank you.
How do you know self care, most times I feel that I wasting time or lost of time in self care moments. How do you teach your self it okay too have self care time vs feeling your being selfish. Something in side me tells me it not okay or it feels wrong to take time for me. But not when I am in nature. I still can’t figure that out. Taking time for me feels wrong or bad or something.
It's a process of making those promises to yourself + reminding yourself that you are worthy of making them-- over time those deeper beliefs around "selfish" should change.
I often feel guilty for self care. I know I need it but the little voice, the little girl in me says that I am being selfish. That I only care about me. I feel bad when I think of my self. I am trying to do better for myself but I don’t feel worthy. I am trying to create space in my mind for myself. Moments of self awareness. Trying to do better for me but again that feels selfish. Childhood trauma a mother who always had to be the center of attention. I wasn’t allowed to feel anything. I was unwanted by my father and mother. A mistake that should have been aborted.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the work you do and share. You have truly changed my life!
I love your book (I’m halfway through and already learned SO much), love your podcast and I’m always looking forward to seeing you post on IG or here!
Thank you dear Nicole 🙏🏼🤍
I'm so glad you're resonating with my work + appreciate you tuning in to the podcast!
This resonates for sure. Even while doing the work. Some weeks it's slow. Awareness is key and allowing ourselves the space to be 🙏❤️
Awareness is for sure the first step towards creating the space for a new choice in the future!
If I needed to take care of my needs after having some downtime of taking care of my little family, I would go into recluse and just start arting. Meditation and breathing. Take a nap. Pray to God and have conversations out loud with him lol. Or eat my favorite foods (I love food 😋) and indulge in my favorite hobbies. Take a walk.
thanks for making this short and to the point!!!
Love this, such an important topic explained really well. Thank you! ✨
Very enlightening
That's me. 100%
Thanks. Need Part II! Caught in survival mode the past 5 plus years from family illness/death, plus earlier Superstorm Sandy and 9/11. I've forgotten myself and am finally able to work on coming back.
.
I can imagine Gina, it sounds the past few years have had alot of trauma for you-- Sending you so much love as you continue your healing journey!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Thanks so much!
I think even before my divorce and trying to keep all things going after having children have left me in survival mode. Then when the divorce happened I tried to make up for the other parent not being there. Not until my health failed and a relationship I desperately want to work has struggled have i been able to now take the steps in the right direction finally!!! Love what you do!!
I went to a dinner tonight with people I 'used to know' and a couple of friends I am still friends with so I was feeling bad not to go but I so didn't want to go as I don't live in the same country anymore as them and hadn't seen most of them for many years and there was therefore no point in reconnecting with the other people. I really just wanted to have a quiet evening and not have awkward and meaningless conversations all evening. I did go but my step tonight was to leave after 2 hours whilst everyone was still there having dinner. I just couldn't, I decided to put myself first after all...Better late than never....I will see my two dear friends another time.
What a huge step in taking care of yourself Anne!! I know I found myself in similar positions often coming up with a million reasons why I "should" or "needed" to show up, only learning (over time) that showing up for others at the sake of myself only ends in resentment + continued unmet needs
The best environment to heal was to be alone to reflect on my needs. But it didn’t prepare me to live w/ my partner. I don’t know how to live w/ someone without reverting back to codependency
How can I deal with people who deny my reality and attack me as I'm meeting my needs? I know that they react negatively because they don't like seeing the other version of me. You know while I'm in this journey, I'm feeling alone. And it's ok as long as I'm doing what is best for me.
i mean if people are going off at you for you doing things so that you can live a healthier life.....you dont want them people in your life at all. cut them out and move on
@@Charlieto such difficult choices though sometimes distance from these elationships is the best gift we can give ourselves!
So true, most of our relationships have gotten so used to older versions of us that there can often be a difficult reaction when we change.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist people around me want to keep me as they used to know me before change. Actually I didn't tell them that I'm changing and I'm on a journey because I know that they won't understand. I keep that for myself and this is the hardest part. No support, no understanding,Unfortunately.
Just finished your book.. thank you so much.. now have to do the work. 🙂
Thank you, I'm just starting to like life because I'm starting to think what do I like, what do I need, I'm ordering some essential oils because I think it will lift me up and vitamins to get me healthy and I'm eating fruits and veggies more for a healthy way of living and discovering what my preferences are and allowing me to enjoy them, in the past I was like well my mom needs this or the kids need this, one day I'll get that tea set and try quality tea and sit in meditation and smell the roses, I think that day has come :)
So proud of your for asking yourself what you need!
Yes I do, usually after seeing something triggering.. or a new terrifying experience.
So true Dezna, New + unfamiliar experiences for sure activate these older protective patterns
@@TheHolisticPsychologist pronounced Deja. Thanks Nicole for the lucidity.
My therapist is using an entire session to self compassion
Hope you find it helpful Jill
I have the space now but i feel that anything i would do is futile and no matter how much i talk positively to myself that self care will make me feel better even if doesn't feel good now i can't do it consistently, and i cant break out from "self avoidance" i just can't
It's so very hard to break our old patterns-- for me it happened with a daily practice of compassion + small new choices each day.
But, what about not even believing you deserve care? Compounded with survival mode? What if you’re desperately trying not to F up your kids because you know you are so I’ll equipped to manage yourself, but you are suppose to care for them??? What if you’ve tried to do one small thing for yourself and failed? What if you own doing the work and still are stuck?
I don’t know if you drive Elizabeth? So hoping this analogy is relatable. Think back to being a learner driver, the very first lesson. The clunkiness of trying to use the foot pedals, knowing which one was the accelerator/brake/clutch. The pressure needed to balance between the clutch and accelerator. Then adding in the road and others cars. Then fast forward to being a driver 15 years later and the ease with which we drive. My point? Learning how to do all of this self care and trauma work, without an instructor (if not in therapy) is hard. It might take lots of time to get comfortable and competent in it. Daily action, over time will compound the benefits. Then one day you may find you’re ‘driving skilfully’ without realising/reflecting.
Nicole has a book, so maybe start there? It’s difficult stuff, made more difficult by your current circumstances x
As you are the one experienced and practiced internal locus of control for while now.
How much changes and relief is possible with these efforts is possible.?
There must be a spiritual plane in which being ‘in service of others’ is an enlightened state. But for me, not enlightened most of the time, being in service of others is just a perpetuation of the ‘I don’t count’ syndrome.
So true Rose Mary, many times we can use "serving" others as evidence of how little we matter, changing those deeper rooted beliefs through daily action is key!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist thank you
Also, thank you for your insights, your work, your outreach. You are the only new-age YouTub’er out there who explains clearly how our current mental/emotional condition is very often derived from an amorphous past, built moment to moment, creating our experience tapestry. As opposed to so much talk about single traumatic experiences being the shapers of our psyche. Not to disregard traumatic experiences, no! But for some of us our entire existence was a continuous traumatic experience, to be arduously unraveled.
Thanks again, you’re super!
Is helping your brother heal from a broken leg self neglect?
Self ... hahaha 🤣 ..there's no here dork