Fr, and they be twisting your mind by making you believe it’s your fault, since, well, they’re older, richer, literally give you shelter. And all of that comes from early childhood
I'll be honest and say I've tried being compassionate and understanding... yeah, mom's issues are way out of my pay grade. I stepped away from that relationship and am way happier for it. Sometimes there are problems we can't fix cos its not ours to fix.
This video's more of a general guide, but not a one size fits all one. But you're right, you're absolutely darn right. Sometimes it's just beyond your responsibilities to fix someone broken beyond repair and it's better to leave.
When I start to do something that benefits me, my mom tells me to stop and claims that I don't know anything. But then later she complain that I don't do anything. Now, I have to hide everything away from her.
@@VPI_desu my mother's favorite past time activity is telling me I will regret doing the thing I'm doing later in life, but she says this for literally everything. What life is there to live if I'm living in constant fear of regret?
same, it's like the saying the gold can only shine when it gets heated but how long will it remain stable if all it gets is heated . . . . does that make sense?
@@VPI_desu I’ve had very similar experiences. Now they are no longer part of my life and my mental health and stability is fantastic! I hope your situation gets better
Bro thats my mom ! The world ends wtf you doing ? Or why dont you study then I study ohhh why dont you go outside then I go outside ohhh why dont you cleaned your room 😂 Also what she likes the most is taking a new activity I try to start or each sentence I’m saying to deflate my efforts and my ego. The saddest part is that I’m addicted to her validation, as I know she is never happy. Maybe cuz I’ve no father to validate me even if he still alive damn
I am 30, working full-time and married and my father is still doing this to me. One day he called me lazy on the phone. Keep in mind we haven't seen each other in months. I live 2 hours away and he has never visited us. Yet he calls me lazy on the phone. He doesn't even know what i am doing.
Sounds like he's projecting lol, or just randomly using the insult that's the most 'sinful' in his book regardless of how relevant it is. I definitely met a lot of older adults like this. Love your pfp btw xD
Dude same shit here.... If they (parents) want me to visit them they expect me to be willing to quit my plans next week and be rested and whatever, switch sides and they are old, tired, and the exact same road is now impassable and sounds like week long expedition(2hrs drive)
Similar thing, my parents always expect me to drop everything, social and professional responsibilities whenever they want. But i keep setting boundaries no matter what. Im not rude, just say sorry i cant that day, i already have something that has been planned weeks in advance. Do it enought times and they'll start to get the hint
Being compassionate to them feels like a betrayal to my past self, since they didnt give me affection my skin crawls when I get close to them as there is a deep resentment.
Forgive your parents. They are only people on this earth who can unconditionally love you. When they are gone you will regret that you did not find the strength to do this. I am 24 and my parents died too damn early in a blink of the eye, I managed to forgive them in the last years of their lives, but I still regret that I was focused only on myself too much many many yeats. I realized that they were even more traumatized by this life than I was and didn't know better.
The problem with me not wanting to do chores was that my mom always used it as a punishment, not as a thing kids should normally learn to do. It was usually "WHAT!? YOU GOT C!? DISHESH NOW!" It got to the point when mom started slapping me across face for not knowing how to cut onions straight when I was 12, because she made me cut them as a punishment and I never did it before.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂"WHAT , YOU GOT CEE!!, DESHESH NOW!!" 😂😂😂 I can tell you typed that in a brash manner😂😂😂. But that sucks bro honestly. Esspecially the slapping part . Like your only a kid. Ive somewhat been through that too.
@@Francesca-yu5cy what lesson? I do my own chores as an adult. Sometimes it sucks because I am tired, but I like my house clean. All I was trying to say was that chores shouldn't be introduced to kids as a punishment, because they learn it's a punishment, then they don't wanna do them regularly and they do them poorly as a result because they don't "practice" them often enough. I would take a childhood when I had to do 1000x more chores regularly compared to once in a month as a punishment because of many reason, but mainly because of the fuckery that could be prevented to my young mind. It is incredibly frustrating when somebody ridicules you for something you should've known years ago, they refuse to teach you how to do it and they give it to you as a punishment. Then parents who do this make surprised pikachu face that their child doesn't wanna help with chores...
@@jankxyardyoure absolutely right. Its clear you put a lot more thought into this than he did. Id save yourself the frustration and try to match their effort when they oppose with something shallow.
“It takes two people to make a dynamic” - ooof, that was a curveball I didn’t expect, I gotta let that one sink in… certainly difficult to absorb when you feel like the victim of your parent. But maybe acknowledging that is the way to create some kind of agency and control over the dynamic
Yeah but sometimes the reason that "you wouldn't do anything if I told you" isn't true. In my case it was definitely doing something but it wasn't what my mom wanted me to do. Parents need to help you explore what you're good at. If you're being punished for writing fanfiction (example) instead of learning piano (example) it's no wonder that you'd rather do nothing. A good parent would show interest in the fanfiction, ask questions and figure out how to help evolve it. And this maps later on to the choice of higher education. You'd rather play videogames because you don't care at all about studying economics, but that's what mom wanted you to do.
I feel like this very much applies to adult children and the ability to leave. It takes two people to make a dynamic, so if one person is not interested in playing that game and can just get up and leave (obviously not free of consequences, but still), there's no dynamic...
You're right. You may not have had agency growing up, but you definitely have it now and in the future. Parents are supposed to help you figure things out. And at the same time you are responsible for all of your own actions, especially after you become an adult. Maybe you spawn with low stats or your parents prioritize a non-meta skill build early on. But it's up to you to distribute new stat points and skills as an adult.
I’m finally happy and settled in my career, doing really well at work, and yet my parents are unhappy with me because the job is far from home. This couldn’t have been more timely.
as someone who cut of their parents 13 years ago, I highly recommend it if you have toxic parents. I never regret it and its lessened my anxiety and depression a shitload.
When you consider being a parent, you must understand, that your child will not be like what you expect of them for 99%. They are completely separate, different, independent human being. To not be disappointed in your child you need to not have any expectations of them. You need to love them for who they are themselves
Parents suck. Especially when there is a level of narcassism going on too. I have to tell my mum, who is very good at playing victim, that i don't want gifts from her anymore because i find her attempts to fix me via gifts upsetting and on some level offensive. I'm terrified of doing this.
@@sharp7171 it helps when they acknowledge when they have to be a parent or when they admit struggling with it because you always are learning how to be a parent. It's a role that people have to take on, not something that is in the essence of their being.
Yeah, it’s like, you’re a machine or a toy, right? Give gifts, a.k.a press a button they want, and you will be fixed and dandy, ready to serve their needs again… 😅🤪
Prepare for them to be resentful. You're taking a tool of control away. She'll probably flip it and say you're ungrateful. Hopefully, I am wrong and it goes well. Big ups on setting a healthy. boundary.
Regretting parenthood seems to be a big reason why some parents are worse than others. They felt they had to become parents but they hate every second of it and wanted to do other things in life. Then the kid they feel was an unbearable sacrifice demands things that seem to hurt them even more. They look for someone to blame, but it was the way they shaped for themself.
Yep! Then you get blamed for it as the child and the parent plays the victim card, and you don't know what to do with that cause it's out of your control
Yes! And then they get mad if you don't want kids (or fear messing up future kids). From the way they behaved at the time, it was apparently the worst thing that ever happened to them
THE TALK IN THE BEGINNING! I dont regret going to university, but I've had no drive for anything since covid started, I was always pushed to go into further education, so now I am doing it and I see from an outside perspective how it is beneficial and agree, but dont feel like I want to actually do anything (in a professional or life-goals manner). Eye opening as always! Edit: The fixing their failures is exactly my situation, mom couldnt go to college even though she wanted to, so she pushed me and only me, not my brother in any way, towards constant study and now Im in uni. I am doing alright, but was never into it like I think someone should be if they want to go to uni/college.
Honestly, I don't resonate with the solutions showed by Dr. K. Maybe it sounds avoidant, but its impressive how parents seems don't understand words. Its frustating see how they doesn't want to hear you, or how they cannot hear you. Seems to be the best solution step away I seize the life that they cannot interfere (I'm 23).
Exactly. I am not showing compassion to them, because then they’ll think they’re right. I won’t be honest with them bc then they’ll use that info against me. Just abandon them and let them figure stuff out on their own.
I don't think it's avoidant of you. These solutions are more like, if you deem it plausible, try it. They can help certain families fr. But they don't fit any family or any situation, and sometimes just going no contact is the best way.
I think it differs case to case. It's good that there is a way to make it better but that doesn't work for everyone and sometimes that strategy won't work on them so it's better to cut ties.
Oh boy, that sums it up. I have even said to my therapist that I was expected to go from virgin to married, but I was massively shamed for trying to make that happen, and I would meet a man who wouldn't have long term intentions but he wouldn't tell me that, so there was a lot to figure out. I didn't figure it out. I'm so far from promiscuous but I ended up a single parent. I have adhd and I was too trusting, partly cos I was raised to believe I had no right to ever question or doubt my caregivers. I am 54 now and have given up on meeting somebody. But I look back and I can understand why it didn't happen. My kids dad was like my mum. It was her way or the silent treatment. I had to obey her. I couldn't risk anything as my thoughts could set her off.
In my situation leaving them was the only choice. I tried to be compassioned with them, it worked sometimes when i had the energy and then I noticed did not want to have a relationship anymore with my parents. The hardest, most difficult and best decision of my life.
I can resonate. At this point I feel like if all of my other areas of life get on point and I'm self-actualized I *might* be solid enough to try to come back and repair the relationship. But right now I just do not have the capacity to try for the umpteenth time (they refuse family therapy so it's just me and my imperfect skills). The sad truth is they are a net negative in my life and for now I have to distance myself and focus on my own life.
As a person with Asian parents this is very much similar to how my parents use to be. Luckily I've been able to tell my parents to have patients an trust it will happen without them needing to push, well my Mom still pushes every now and then, and expect results.
I had been silently complaining in my head for years, about how my parents mistreated me, how they ignored my emotional needs and destroyed my self esteem. And about my anxiety, insecurities, appearance, etc. Then one day I watched a video from Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche of his experience with panic disorder in childhood. He said after months of meditation practice, panic became his teacher and friend. This gave me an insight into how to change the narratives of my life. No one was born perfect, nor was anyone raised in a perfect family. I can accept this fact, then instead of hoping I had zero adversities in life, I can practice overcoming these experiences.
Great perspective to cultivate; it’s one I’ve also been trying to develop! I feel more at peace even as the world gets more chaotic because I’m understanding myself and developing resilience.
I think that having some childhood problems helps you to prepare for adult life. If you have too perfect a childhood, you might expect that perfection to continue for the rest of your life. And then stupid little problems will seem huge to you. I'm in my 60's, and, knowing some people...I am glad that I had some troubles as a child. Now, it all seems kind of too easy sometimes. I still meditate, of course.
This video is great, especially if you've grown up with a dominant mother who has always had a final say. Everything in this video fit me creepily well. Unmotivated isolated gamer who is just doing things that their mother wants them to do so I don't have to deal with her negative emotion. I remember clearly this started from a very young age. Before I was even 10 I recall my mother forcing me to call every single person in my class until I could arrange a "play date" or "meetup" so I wouldn't spend too much time alone. Endless amount of times I've had my mother sit next to me at the computer forcing me to do homework. The atmosphere would get worse and worse and I'd eventually just lock up and not write a single word hoping she would just give up or leave. It didn't matter if I cried or completely deflated into apathy, she was upset with me and the work had to be done. It makes sense though that this would lead to me not learning how to motivate myself or finding a drive as I was instead forced into it by external factors. One way or another my entire life so far I have almost done nothing by my own will or motivation. It has always been influenced one way or another my mother or expectations from society. I thought about this and I think this partly motivated the substance abuse I went through between 17-27. It completely shocked my family too because I was very obedient, quiet, polite and peaceful. My teenage rebellion basically never happened and instead turned into extreme drug abuse as young adult. At my worst I was in so much pain that consciousness was just not a very good time so any way of distraction or getting high was extremely pleasant. I was just too agreeable and submissive. I was in situations I didn't want to be in. Doing things I didnt want to do. Zero agency and my mind absolutely hated it, hated myself, hated people and hated my mother. I was very very angry from a young age and I recall even day dreaming or fantasizing about gruesome acts.
Damn, I'm always so appreciative of the parents I got. I don't have any childhood trauma the way so many tell me their parents treated them. Wish yall the best
I'm a white lesbian woman from the south so not quite the demographic this video is targeted at, but I'm looking forward to trying out a compassion+boundaries based approach for my difficult conversations with my parents. They will never be happy, but that's certainly not my problem and I love myself too much to let them affect my own happiness.
The timing ! Went to mental screening and talked about being hit by mom from getting math problems wrong. I struggle with relationships now but with the little I have. I cried saying that I only felt valued from my friends
With all due respect, although I immensely value Dr. K's guidance, I feel like there is not enough acknowledgement of the parent's part here. I'm influenced by my own past in my view on this. Yes, it takes two for a dynamic, but I believe that more often than not, if we're talking about dynamics that have been created between a child and adults that then persisted into adulthood, a parent could have done more to understand their child and find ways to strengthen them as a human rather than to overtake and become controlling, because in their view the child is too "passive" or not doing enough. The solution now is indeed to take responsibility, show compassion and set healthy boundaries, but I would have wished for more compassion for the child that needed to endure this and had their confidence weakened by overbearing, perfectionistic and/or narcissistic parents that just leave you with this mountain of unresolved trauma. It's good to acknowledge the damage that comes with that more, especially in regard to the population that is being addressed with this video and topic.
@PsychologistSelina Unless I'm mistaken, the entire video literally points out many different mistakes parents are making and basically put the entire blame on the parents, acknowledging 100% that the parents caused it. Yet, that doesn't change the situation and the underlying message is that while you're not to be blamed for it, you have agency and can change it by understanding that you also have power in this relationship That's what the phrase 'it takes two for a dynamic' is referring to. Too often people get stuck in a victim mentality when unjust and unfair things have happened to them. Which unfortunately keeps them stuck in that very uncomfortable situation. In my experience, focusing too much on the 'oh poor child' part doesn't really help. It just reinforces the idea that they are a victim. Sure it's a fine balance, but I think Dr. K acknowledged more than enough how much it sucks to be in the child's shoes
@ I appreciate your response, and I actually agree with most, if not all that you're saying. My personal philosophy is shaped greatly by taking responsibility and action. Clearly, we have personal preferences in how to present and approach this situation. I personally think that one first needs to feel understood enough, and understand enough to make change. Someone who hasn't been granted unconditional love or acceptance by their caregivers first needs to experience how it feels to be understood. And on the basis of feeling like they aren't "bad" or "wrong", they can be empowered and take action. It's good to see that for you the video clearly did that. For me it was just not sufficient enough, but I still agree to the information presented.
@PsychologistSelina I can see where you're coming from. I guess the videos purpose was not to focus directly on the comforting part of the process but the action part. There are other videos along the lines of 'You are good enough, unconditionally' that focus on the part you felt was missing in this video
@@Cientaschentuecher Reality is that if youre unhappy with a situation then you have to take responsibility to fix it or quit crying. Another big REALITY is if someone is gaming 10 hours a day, not working, not studying, etc. then that behaviour STARTED because their parents traumatized their kids since childhood
Being the youngest of 4 by a decade, I tried to steer clear of my siblings poor choices and stay on the straight & narrow cause I will always remember those car rides home in the backseat as my parents complained about them all. In turn, I feel like my parents are disappointed that I'm not doing what they assume is natural progressions in life, but they keep quiet cause they know exactly why I keep them in the dark on my personal life. The few times I said things like, "Lay a woman out in front of me and I'll get her pregnant as long as you take care of it", it cleared the air and they eventually stopped inquiring. It's a win-lose-lose-win situation.
when my mom rants (almost exactly how you described, it was kind of funny), I started approaching her with a sarcastic confidence. She's starting to leave me alone more, I just kind of subtly point out she's being ridiculous and then when she tries snapping back I just ignore her or give the "mmm hmm." I love my mom, but she can be manipulative. My circumstances parallel a lot of what you said in the video. I still love and honor my parents, I just know I need to move on. Yeah, about what you said about being irresponsible, I was there once, but I'm not there anymore. I know what I'm going to do and why I'm going to do it. I've been actively using my free time to better myself, practicing and planning things. I've stopped bad habits and replaced them with good things. But, even though my mom doesn't say it, and she pretends to think otherwise, she isn't proud. Because I'm not living or wanting to live the life she wants me to. She nagged me for months about getting my Associates and leaving college, and only stopped when she realized she couldn't stop me (that and I encountered convenient issues that would make it a pain in the ass to continue my degree anyways). I'm not sure if it's the general consensus that college is good or bad right now, but I know it's bad for me. If I want to actually reach my full potential and be a good person, I have to leave. Money doesn't make me happy, and I'm a smarter and harder worker than most people. I'm taking the trade route at the moment. We have a family who owns an electrical business, going to do an apprenticeship with him. I have a plan to get out of the house within 3-4 years and plenty of backup plans. I've planned the lifestyle I want to live, and I have long-term goals. Once again, I love my parents, and they love me. However, they don't understand me and they won't clearly state their expectations either. My mom has been manipulative and has done a lot of harm to me, in addition to unfortunate circumstances stacking on top of that. I almost took my life in highschool and no one was there for me, my parents just expected me to man-up they just told me it was hormones. I don't think hormones can lead a 15 year old to get a gun out of his closet and genuinely contemplate ending their life. I'm far past that now, thankfully. The point of this comment is just to say, that society is fucking shit and your mental circumstances might not be the best, and it might be confusing. You need to move on, and you need to find purpose beyond yourself. What will you achieve in life and why. Who are you, why are you who you are. What dreams did you have that where never fulfilled. Money and expectations where never and will never be the point to life, live in contradiction to the world around you. I promise you'll be a lot happier this way.
I’m so tired of their antics. They refuse to see that they’re the problem. They know they are miserable but think that i am the reason. That’s why they are obsessed with “fixing” me even though they are the ones who need to be fixed! I am planning on going no-contact as soon as i gain financial independence.
Some of this definitely resonates with me. I don't think I was very driven throughout most of my early life, and so my mom kept pushing me and pushing me. I was a C student growing up... This only started to change in college. Still failed a class or two, but kept moving forward, and well... now I'm a doctor in my last year of residency. I do feel like at some point I did take the reins, owned the momentum of my own success and drove myself forward. What I have come to find out, though, is that I don't really feel much sense of joy in either of my parents saying that they're proud of me, and they've said that a bunch in the past few years...
@@JJMomoida I feel like when we take control over our own lives what our parents think just matters a lot less. It's pleasant when my parents are proud of me, but I don't feel any particular sense of joy. It's more important that I feel proud of me.
I think when you strive towards a goal out of fear or anger, annoyance, etc. when you reach it, it's more of a feeling of relief than joy. It's actually a letdown sometimes because you thought you'd be happier. At least that is my experience.
@@yuppers1 i feel you on that one. for me it's a mix of relief and joy because i know the field i want to work in but i was pushed into education since the teen years and nothing else... once i land a comfy-enough fulltime job im just going to up and leave this place 👍
Ahh, good grief, this hits close to home. How many times have I heard "you're just like your father" as an insult to both myself and my sister? And the contradictory messages too... one moment mom would go "I couldn't live without you" and the second either of us did something wrong, she'd go "I don't need you, I can do this myself" to both of us. I feel like there's no appeasing my mom unless we commit to a complete and utter subservience to her every step, sacrifice ourselves to right her wrongs. Man I wanna leave.
same thing here. idk if your parents set you on higher education but mine did. just trust the plan, and once you land a job, get up, leave, never come back. that's going to be my solution, hope you do the same
They're not just a DPS with tons of health. They an UNDEAD DPS with tons of health. Don't tank them or fight them. That makes them stronger. Heal them. Become a healer. That hurts the undead.
Dr. K, please please please make a more in-depth video about this type of child & parent relationship if you think the community would benefit from it. I for one certainly am interested in learning more, since it's exactly the type of parenting style I've known my whole life and I'm trying to combat the aftermath of it as an adult.
Good timing. I actually just got a call from my mom today, and she said she'd stop talking to me if I didn't give her money. Almost all the advice that was given in this video is basically what I've been doing, although I haven't tried showing compassion when she yells and gives me ultimatums. It's exhausting when it happens, but if I can't talk her out of buying brand new cars and iPhones, then all I'm doing is making problems worse for both of us. Like yeah, I'd love nothing more than to give her the luxuries she wants, but I'm doing everything I can to make sure my survival needs are met.
Bro you need some Dave Ramsey advice lol Depends on more context, but I probably would say to give some for groceries clearly stating that its the last time (taking into account she threatened her own child for it) cause she's the parent, not you, maybe help her get a job, if she doesn't have, because she cant be fed by you if she's a person that has no condition that makes work an imposibility. She getting money from through threats and other manipulations cannot be a situation any longer, its not healthy for you nor for her. Seek council if you need to, someone to talk about it.
@@SomeCallMeTato I initially loaned her $500 to get her out of the payday loan cycle she got herself stuck in. That loan turned into a gift, and that was supposed to be the last time I gave her money. There was a lot of animosity when I first started saying no, but eventually we would get along again. To her credit, she does at least acknowledge she has a spending problem, and she admits that me giving her money enables these habits. Thankfully I got her to never use payday loans again, but she ignored my warnings about buying a new car and getting an iPhone through a payment scheme. They make it seem like a really good deal when they talk about how low the monthly payments are, but the interest fees really cut into her cash supply, which then results in her having to door dash more hours, which then results in her getting too sick to work the hours she needs to sustain her lifestyle. She earns more money than I do, and she spends a higher percentage of her earnings on credit card debt, car payments, and expensive phone plans that I wouldn't touch with a 10-ft pole. She gets money from Social Security as well, and they allow her to work at a limited capacity. I don't even know what that capacity looks like, but she's definitely overworking herself. The things she buys causes her so much pain and suffering, and I hate seeing her like that. All I can do is let her learn on her own and hope she becomes responsible one day. I will always have a room available for her at my house, but she'll only treat that as a last resort since she knows I will require her to give up the things that make her unhealthy. It's not something I want either, but in order to make sure neither of us end up homeless, I have to be able to sustain my ownership of the house as well as put money into repairing damages that desperately need it (especially since the hurricanes in my state are getting worse every year). If I didn't buy my house when I did, I wouldn't be able to reasonably afford rent without subjecting myself to greater pain. That's how bad things are for me financially. Like yeah, I might be doing better than my mom right now, but she's hanging by a thread, and my grandma might not have much longer to live. Ah fuck, I'm feeling down again. I didn't mean to offload like this. I might have to push my next therapy visit up a little bit since I'm feeling particularly bad right now. There's been a ton of drama within my DnD group that's been weighing on me too, so I'm juggling a lot right now. I appreciate that you're willing to talk to me about this, and I hope I didn't make your day any worse. Please be happy for me! I'm feeling really bad right now, but I'll get by just fine. This isn't the worst I've ever felt either, so there's that at least. :)
I learned how to do it the hard way, but now I'm amazed watching this video. Because it really does become so much easier when you disconnect from the conflict and don't take anything personally. My mother is exactly like this, and I've learned how to deal with her. Now she never bothers me, but it affects my little brother, who's going through puberty and he has those problems. When you talked about your natural inner drive, it dawned on me. I've never heard of this before but it clears up so many things in my head. I will talk to my mom about this. My brother is really losing his inner drive, I just couldn't pinpoint that. Thank you for the video!
My mom is everything you described and more. I told her a few weeks ago that I'd be genuinely a lot happier and will do a lot better if she was unalive. She hasn't been bothering me since.
I figured I would still have all the residual poor coping skills and negative self talk. That's already programmed in. If I don't fix it, I'll be destroying myself anyway.
Me: "Mom stop constantly saying negative things to me, I deserve respect." Mom: "Well you didn't do that chore so of course I talk negatively to you, you're so spoiled!"
I love how they will talk about me being unappreciative when all they did was the bare minimum to avoid legal consequences. Not that I ever complained anyway, just that they were never satisfied with the lack of praise I gave them. Basically they think they should be thanked for even having children and you are their subjugate
"I hear that you are frustrated and I apologize for not communicating my plan to get that done. I understand your frustration, but I would appreciate it if next time we could make requests of each other instead of name calling."
@ That's a good way to communicate, the problem is she always used chores as a way to deflect the conversation, avoid responsability and blame me instead for her toxic parenting. I ended up cutting contact with her as an adult because I was traumatized and needed to heal. Also I hate her and will always hate her, she was never kind to me and we were never close. I do not wish to try and communicate with her.
I am so lucky and beyond grateful. My parents are still together and have allowed me and my son to still live with them after my divorce. I have epilepsy so I need a certain amount of help and they've helped all that and more. I have 50/50 custody of my son so he's here every other week and I can tell what a blessing it's been for him to have someone else in the house besides just him and me. I do have to set boundaries and and put in effort to the relationships but of course we do.
I gave up all of my bad habits overnight, a lot thanks to you Dr. K. I'm documenting it on my channel and in hopes of healing my shattered brain. Thanks for your inspo, cheers!
I definitely fall into that not proactive kid category. But whenever I would make progress on something it still warrants a rant and pushing. Overtime I stopped making as much progress bc it felt pointless. If I can’t fix everything now then it’s not good enough. (I watched your video on progress and it’s been really helpful recently). As for showing compassion I don’t think I’ve done it without too much emotion on my part so I can try it. But I have tried to leave the conversation before but being that I live at home, she just follows me 😅. I love my mom very much and she’s a great person. We just butt heads at times.
Yup dealing with parental issues. I’ve been taking stock of boundaries and who’s been crossing them. And I realized that my own mom was doing this. I almost panicked when I realized what had been happening for so long. Hit me like a punch to the gut.😮
that opening bit is why you are one of the most fun and relatable teachers to learn from. My family situation was different in the details, yet the same theme rings true. "No A B or C allowed, now explain why you haven't done X Y or Z" when A leads to directly to X, B -> Y, and C -> Z. lol. it's so good.
same - the year before i got married & started my family - i've never been so grateful to fate for his heart attack.. it was way easier working through my personal traumas back in my 20s without him around
I beefed this video when I was in my early 20s. My mom screwed up her relationship with my older brother and wants a second try with my teenage son. She's way too involved in his life. This has made me feel like I'm not good enough parent. Everytime I see my mom, she drills me with questions. I'm a single mom and I try my best. She is jealous of our bond. We have more of a older sister/younger brother bond. As a parent, I know when to be serious. But most of the time, its not needed because I don't lie or sugarcoat the truth. He appreciates that. If I knew she'd be this involved, I would have never moved back to my home town. I thought she was just looking out for me. But as he's gotten older and can speak/think for himself, she has fits of anger when he doesn't agree or doesn't want to deal with her shenanigans. Most kids are smarter than their parents. Its just that some parents have too much ego and pride to see that.
The issue with mother was that she'd storm off on her own for hours and she'd just rile herself up over that time and come back even more pissed, often about older things in the past.
11:43 I'm sorry but what's really is going to happen is for a little she's gonna calm down but if you keep on she's gonna be like: "stop being sorry and sad for the situation if you know this is bad for me why can't you change it?"
It takes time to build the drive to do it yourself. Getting your parents to stop bothering you is the first step, you can't expect result to start happening overnight because the child needs to recalibrate as well. I've had this issue where I tell my mother to stop, and I get maybe a week or twos break from it, then my own rumblings started and I began to start doing things by myself, but then my mothers patience runs out and she gets on my case again and it stops the whole process.
Parents don’t understand that the home life is acted out by everyone. A Kind and peaceful home results in the children mimicking this behavior. The foundation sets the standards for the rest of their lives.
Heavy boundaries and not spending time with my parents is my solution. If they want a real relationship they need to not treat me like I’m a child and I immediately disengage with them. They don’t get access to me if they want to treat me like a slave.
This is my dad. Hyper critical, very toxic, doesn't believe in boundries, controlling and overbearing. Caused me a ton of childhood trauma that is ruining my career choice since I'm trying to make a career change that will make my parents happy... which doesn't seem possible since he constantly moves the goal posts of what a successful career is and usually involves becoming wealthy and giving him a large chunk of that for "raising me".... Finally learning in my 30's to make decisions for myself - it's my life anyway. Dr. K mocking the nagging mother (Sacrastic K going "nah lalalalah!") has me rolling btw
I am german. My mom was from a sociological milieu called "bildungsbuergertum" (literally "educational bourgeoisie"). It is called so because for them, good marks and good degrees of them and their children is a status symbol. One reason why my autism got undiagnosed was because of that, I often seemed to be a smarter kid and my mom liked that.😅 My parents strongly worked on my marks and sometimes even tried to write certain homework for me. In the end, for a long time, I literally felt education would fix everything in my life and I even believed someday, if I just got a good enough academic degree, then, girls would finally like me. My mom did not want me to talk to girls but that was not because of education... well, instead, my mom was weird there. She suspected literally every girl I liked would end up raping me. And after I said to her that this is complete bullshit, she literally said this would be a proof that it's the opposite way round and my mom suspected me of wanting to rape her. And that conversation ALWAYS happened. My mom was very paranoid there.I asked my mom why she apparently thought every relationship between men and women involves rape according to her. She refused to answer that...🙄 I still cannot understand the logic of my mom on that topic.
Interestingly, when my mom married my dad, she directly completely sacrificed her universities education to become a homemaker and wife. And she almost immediately started to regret that
I am a parent and l wish my kids to be happy! And they’ve done great!! Not all my hopes have come true for them yet, but l pray for them, provide helpful suggestions once in a while gently. I bet the vast majority of parents love their children greatly and are blamed and criticized no matter what. Thank God my kids are equally gentle and considerate and loving of me- it means everything to me. I was a single mother, l chose my battles and sometimes was strict and had to push them, but always loved them beyond life! To have a kid is to love them, to want the best life possible! And to want them to have kids is to want them to have that JOY!!!❤❤❤❤❤❤
Resenting the ask comes from the negative association of being asked. *If being asked removes the reward of having done the task, nobody wants to do the task. * It's an attempt to regain the social reward. The reward may be as simple as "Thank you" but to those who know - Being asked to do the specific something somehow forgoes even the "thank you" for doing it. There is obviously more too it, but this is the simple highlight that I think helps on top of the rest of the video. as we are all children of someone, it's universal that we want to know we're appreciated. I think many of us forget that as we age.
Happiness is there .. somewhere, but it should be about letting children become responsible and self sustaining . As a parent - you gotta be more understanding and rational towards children at minimum, because you have the experience they lack. towards children
I once had this conversation with a friend Their relationship isn't 50-50, it's more 60-40 towards the parent. They were in the kid's shoes years ago, the kid was never a parent
As an Asian, I appreciate you making these subjects clear for us and enabling us to break this cycle, since this happens more in Asian traditional families. The trauma is underestimated!
What bothers me about this video is it's all "here is what you should do" - which of course is a great response to people describing their problems, but I feel, especially in this scenario where the person's behavior was shaped over years, there should ALSO be a portion of, paraphrasing, "it's OK to be really heartbroken/angry about this situation"
wohhh, i did this myself. i showed my parents that i know what they are talking about and showing that im trying to learn. they dont bother me a lot anymore
What about parents that still try to control how you think, what you believe, how you dress, who you date, etc. despite you doing the right things in your professional life
I've noticed the same pattern in most of these videos. Basically, when someone is trying to control you. Giving them no power is your best weapon. This could be displayed in silence, compassion or taking on all the blame. Once you give them a reaction or you try to fight back you lose. Next time a situation like this happens. Ask yourself. "What could I do to diffuse this situation" "how can I put myself into the other person's shoes" "what can I do or say to practice compassion" often times, people like this will try and make you feel small to I inflate their ego. Narcissism is a growing trend in our society. Everyone thinks they are right to a certain degree. But almost everything is subjective. Everyone has their own opinion and no matter how strong or how loud your argument is, it will never resonate with an entitled/narcissist/grandiose/ignorant/superiority complex/Messiah complex/... Person (there are so many ways to list a narcissist it's crazy.
Something I learned is giving an option when asking others. Instead of "do the dishes now" something like "could you please do the dishes, sometime tonight. It gives the deadline, but allows for the freedom of choosing when. Had to teach my parents that one, but the relationship was a lot more healthy then.
Step 1. Get a job get out of there, majority of the time you cannot win with parents. Dealing with them from a distance will be less draining Step 2. Take responsibility for yourself, focus on healing, save financially. Address your terrible parents when you have the energy and resources to do so.
5:37 Really hit home for me. Despite being a girl, my parents always recognized that I took after my father more with his genetics while I was growing up. Unfortunately... My parents were in an unhealthy relationship and my mom (also being the breadwinner) would say "just like your father" when I wouldn't do what she wanted. It was always a jab at both of us. Too stubborn, too lazy, too irrational, too arguable, unmotivated.
My mother has never been satisfied with anything I’ve done in my life and my dad was never consistent with expressing it, unlike the anger whenever I’ve done anything bad. So I don’t care. They can stay mad, they’re gonna be anyway, so I’m not gonna limit my happiness trying to make them happy.
This was a very interesting video by Dr. K. I don't hear him talk about parents in this "give them the benefit of the doubt" way very often. I don't find it offputting but I do find it very unique and different and it makes me think a lot.
yeah, i spent my 20's literally just trying to appease my mother. This lasted until about the time i was 29 and she got brain cancer. Even as i was put in charge of taking care of her i never once felt like i accomplished making her happy even at the end. Her literaly last words were he begging for her abusive mother in her sleep while she died. its left a hole in me i have no idea how to fix. but hey hows your tuesday going guys?
You could never make her happy because she was never happy herself. She cried out for her own demons at the end. You did good though. You tried and that’s all you could really do. You can’t control the outcome. You can only control what you can do. Focus on healing you now. You’ll have to let go of getting that validation from your mom just as she needed to let it go so that she could see you.
You could help, yet not *fix* it That was up to more people other than you. You can do your part, But yours is never 100%. Even for yourself what you have is the last word, you aren't *entirely* responsible for your life, yet it depends on you what to make of it
my dad was that kind of parent but he was also physically violent, when my parents divorced and he moved out i took that opportunity to cut him off entirely for a year. after that i very slowly let him back in (mind you i was still 17/18) and i noticed a HUGE difference in his behavior! he was, for once, VERY cautious and walking on eggshells to not upset me. know why? because he actually realized i very much can up and leave and it frightened him straight. I'm currently 25 and our relationship is finally healthier but i live on the other side of the planet and wouldn't have it any other way haha
Compassion really does work better than stubbornness. With enough pressure any stone will move. By being compassionate they have nothing to push against because you don't push back. Instead you let them feel how they feel and try to empathize. The hardest part is letting go of the belief that you're responsible for their feelings. This is the core belief of people who are motivated by guilt.
Finally landed a decent paying job that isn’t in the field I went to school for yet I wouldn’t have without my degree, got a hold of my finances, working on myself, other adult things, etc. I went to visit my mom the other day to talk about her financial situation because as her kid I’m worried about her age and when/if she will be able to retire. I talk to her about possible ways to tackle this and when I mention a possible career change to greatly increase income, she attacks the fact that I’m not working in the field I went to school for. Damn lol.
You know how the saying goes... "If it's not one thing, it's your mother," or something like that. 😁 (You're not alone - definitely affects children of all ages!)
One of the worst tendencies of human beings is when people tell us to do something good for us, and we refuse. Well, it depends on WHO tells you to do it, if you respect or love that person a lot, you will do it immediately. So if the parent earned their true respect(not sure its the proper word here), we would do everything they say happily, which is not the case most of the time.
This video must be for other people, my parents were fine and never really put pressure on me. I'm quite unsuccessful in life but my parents seem to accept me anyway.
Whenever I ask my dad if he's happy, he says "No son. I'm not happy, I'm dad."
"dad I'm hungry" "hi hungry, I'm dad"
Dad came to get milk and make dad jokes and he has to go away for 15 years to get more milk
😂😂😂
LOOOOLL 😂😂😂
@@andyphan4168 bro this one has a double meaning
"I'm not gonna fix my life, my child will" ahh mindset
makes you wonder who's really putting the responsibility on whom
😔
Fr, and they be twisting your mind by making you believe it’s your fault, since, well, they’re older, richer, literally give you shelter. And all of that comes from early childhood
Technically it's too late for them that's why they use you to get back on track
@@Chigo-nr8jgjust imagine how much time they wasted.. and it hurts when you hear such things
I'll be honest and say I've tried being compassionate and understanding... yeah, mom's issues are way out of my pay grade. I stepped away from that relationship and am way happier for it. Sometimes there are problems we can't fix cos its not ours to fix.
Same boat here. I just hope I don't fck it up too much for my own kids 😂
This video's more of a general guide, but not a one size fits all one. But you're right, you're absolutely darn right. Sometimes it's just beyond your responsibilities to fix someone broken beyond repair and it's better to leave.
100%.
Out of my pay grade 😂😂
wow I said that same thing to a friend a couple months ago, specifically the "out of my pay grade"...so damn true!
When I start to do something that benefits me, my mom tells me to stop and claims that I don't know anything.
But then later she complain that I don't do anything.
Now, I have to hide everything away from her.
@@VPI_desu my mother's favorite past time activity is telling me I will regret doing the thing I'm doing later in life, but she says this for literally everything. What life is there to live if I'm living in constant fear of regret?
same, it's like the saying the gold can only shine when it gets heated but how long will it remain stable if all it gets is heated . . . . does that make sense?
Yes indeed... And I am 40 now, try be as low contact as possible... and still I have her voice in my head trying to destroy anything I do.
@@VPI_desu I’ve had very similar experiences. Now they are no longer part of my life and my mental health and stability is fantastic! I hope your situation gets better
Bro thats my mom ! The world ends wtf you doing ? Or why dont you study then I study ohhh why dont you go outside then I go outside ohhh why dont you cleaned your room 😂 Also what she likes the most is taking a new activity I try to start or each sentence I’m saying to deflate my efforts and my ego. The saddest part is that I’m addicted to her validation, as I know she is never happy. Maybe cuz I’ve no father to validate me even if he still alive damn
I am 30, working full-time and married and my father is still doing this to me.
One day he called me lazy on the phone. Keep in mind we haven't seen each other in months. I live 2 hours away and he has never visited us. Yet he calls me lazy on the phone. He doesn't even know what i am doing.
Sounds like he's projecting lol, or just randomly using the insult that's the most 'sinful' in his book regardless of how relevant it is. I definitely met a lot of older adults like this. Love your pfp btw xD
This is why i moved several states away from my old folks. I refuse to be henpecked, nagged amd sabotaged.
Dude same shit here.... If they (parents) want me to visit them they expect me to be willing to quit my plans next week and be rested and whatever, switch sides and they are old, tired, and the exact same road is now impassable and sounds like week long expedition(2hrs drive)
Similar thing, my parents always expect me to drop everything, social and professional responsibilities whenever they want. But i keep setting boundaries no matter what. Im not rude, just say sorry i cant that day, i already have something that has been planned weeks in advance. Do it enought times and they'll start to get the hint
Being compassionate to them feels like a betrayal to my past self, since they didnt give me affection my skin crawls when I get close to them as there is a deep resentment.
Trust your gut brother.
@@zhatar4214 man I’m the same being into the same room as my mom I start legit feeling bad even if it’s absurd I’m 1m90
why did jung bae have to die in squid games season 2 man 😞
Forgive your parents. They are only people on this earth who can unconditionally love you. When they are gone you will regret that you did not find the strength to do this. I am 24 and my parents died too damn early in a blink of the eye, I managed to forgive them in the last years of their lives, but I still regret that I was focused only on myself too much many many yeats. I realized that they were even more traumatized by this life than I was and didn't know better.
@@sanich0811 Ugh the more people demand I forgive, the less inclined I am to actually forgive.
Anyone else frustrated that we all seem to be rolling balls of trauma?
We don't have to be now that we know. We have the ability to choose.
Maybe the real healthygamers are the other rolling balls of trauma we found along the way
Yeah sometimes it gets concerning when it feels like almost every problem on this channel is relatable to you 😅
@@HealthyGamerGG oh it goes way outside the community. It feels like it’s human beings as a species.
Maybe its sumskar, which is the basic unit of ahumkar (ego). Maybe sumskar is the primal way of adapting to our environment.
The problem with me not wanting to do chores was that my mom always used it as a punishment, not as a thing kids should normally learn to do. It was usually "WHAT!? YOU GOT C!? DISHESH NOW!"
It got to the point when mom started slapping me across face for not knowing how to cut onions straight when I was 12, because she made me cut them as a punishment and I never did it before.
Ok but did you learn the lesson? Did you manage to learn and earn to hire someone who do chores for you? Or you no neither?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂"WHAT , YOU GOT CEE!!, DESHESH NOW!!" 😂😂😂 I can tell you typed that in a brash manner😂😂😂.
But that sucks bro honestly. Esspecially the slapping part . Like your only a kid. Ive somewhat been through that too.
@@Francesca-yu5cy what lesson? I do my own chores as an adult. Sometimes it sucks because I am tired, but I like my house clean.
All I was trying to say was that chores shouldn't be introduced to kids as a punishment, because they learn it's a punishment, then they don't wanna do them regularly and they do them poorly as a result because they don't "practice" them often enough.
I would take a childhood when I had to do 1000x more chores regularly compared to once in a month as a punishment because of many reason, but mainly because of the fuckery that could be prevented to my young mind.
It is incredibly frustrating when somebody ridicules you for something you should've known years ago, they refuse to teach you how to do it and they give it to you as a punishment.
Then parents who do this make surprised pikachu face that their child doesn't wanna help with chores...
@@jankxyardyoure absolutely right. Its clear you put a lot more thought into this than he did. Id save yourself the frustration and try to match their effort when they oppose with something shallow.
@ true
“It takes two people to make a dynamic” - ooof, that was a curveball I didn’t expect, I gotta let that one sink in… certainly difficult to absorb when you feel like the victim of your parent. But maybe acknowledging that is the way to create some kind of agency and control over the dynamic
Yeah but sometimes the reason that "you wouldn't do anything if I told you" isn't true. In my case it was definitely doing something but it wasn't what my mom wanted me to do. Parents need to help you explore what you're good at. If you're being punished for writing fanfiction (example) instead of learning piano (example) it's no wonder that you'd rather do nothing. A good parent would show interest in the fanfiction, ask questions and figure out how to help evolve it. And this maps later on to the choice of higher education. You'd rather play videogames because you don't care at all about studying economics, but that's what mom wanted you to do.
Be careful though, I suppose Dr K meant this in the way he said it with "getting a degree" etc. we are not talking about 5y/o (I hope)
I feel like this very much applies to adult children and the ability to leave. It takes two people to make a dynamic, so if one person is not interested in playing that game and can just get up and leave (obviously not free of consequences, but still), there's no dynamic...
You're right. You may not have had agency growing up, but you definitely have it now and in the future. Parents are supposed to help you figure things out. And at the same time you are responsible for all of your own actions, especially after you become an adult. Maybe you spawn with low stats or your parents prioritize a non-meta skill build early on. But it's up to you to distribute new stat points and skills as an adult.
HA....HAHA as if THAT'S gonna happen.
Maybe after them passing they'll consider
How does Dr. K afford the spy he hired to peek into my life?
lol
He needs no spies, he used yogic superpowers)
@@Kris_P108😂
youtube memberships!
yo me too 😂
I’m finally happy and settled in my career, doing really well at work, and yet my parents are unhappy with me because the job is far from home. This couldn’t have been more timely.
Stay like Spongebob and keep stacking that cash playa
It's better that it's far tbh, overbearing parent dynamics are way less annoying with that distance
All that shit has ever made me want to do is move further away.
They just fucking love you so much man. Don't take it to personal, at least they are expressing it. Mines doesn't care. Your still a lucky one.
as someone who cut of their parents 13 years ago, I highly recommend it if you have toxic parents. I never regret it and its lessened my anxiety and depression a shitload.
This is what I want to do as soon as I can afford it
@@Tahj-RojaeScott Same
Me too get me out
When you consider being a parent, you must understand, that your child will not be like what you expect of them for 99%. They are completely separate, different, independent human being. To not be disappointed in your child you need to not have any expectations of them. You need to love them for who they are themselves
Parents suck. Especially when there is a level of narcassism going on too. I have to tell my mum, who is very good at playing victim, that i don't want gifts from her anymore because i find her attempts to fix me via gifts upsetting and on some level offensive. I'm terrified of doing this.
Some parents suck
Gift her a book on how to be a good parent
@@sharp7171 it helps when they acknowledge when they have to be a parent or when they admit struggling with it because you always are learning how to be a parent.
It's a role that people have to take on, not something that is in the essence of their being.
Yeah, it’s like, you’re a machine or a toy, right? Give gifts, a.k.a press a button they want, and you will be fixed and dandy, ready to serve their needs again… 😅🤪
Prepare for them to be resentful. You're taking a tool of control away. She'll probably flip it and say you're ungrateful.
Hopefully, I am wrong and it goes well. Big ups on setting a healthy. boundary.
Regretting parenthood seems to be a big reason why some parents are worse than others. They felt they had to become parents but they hate every second of it and wanted to do other things in life. Then the kid they feel was an unbearable sacrifice demands things that seem to hurt them even more. They look for someone to blame, but it was the way they shaped for themself.
Then it ends up the opposite way. When parents get old now the kids do the exact same thing to them
Yep! Then you get blamed for it as the child and the parent plays the victim card, and you don't know what to do with that cause it's out of your control
and their only response is "this is the way life is. that's why you need to have kids."
Yes! And then they get mad if you don't want kids (or fear messing up future kids). From the way they behaved at the time, it was apparently the worst thing that ever happened to them
why did jung bae have to die in squid games season 2 man 😞
THE TALK IN THE BEGINNING! I dont regret going to university, but I've had no drive for anything since covid started, I was always pushed to go into further education, so now I am doing it and I see from an outside perspective how it is beneficial and agree, but dont feel like I want to actually do anything (in a professional or life-goals manner). Eye opening as always!
Edit: The fixing their failures is exactly my situation, mom couldnt go to college even though she wanted to, so she pushed me and only me, not my brother in any way, towards constant study and now Im in uni. I am doing alright, but was never into it like I think someone should be if they want to go to uni/college.
Honestly, I don't resonate with the solutions showed by Dr. K. Maybe it sounds avoidant, but its impressive how parents seems don't understand words. Its frustating see how they doesn't want to hear you, or how they cannot hear you. Seems to be the best solution step away I seize the life that they cannot interfere (I'm 23).
Exactly. I am not showing compassion to them, because then they’ll think they’re right. I won’t be honest with them bc then they’ll use that info against me. Just abandon them and let them figure stuff out on their own.
I don't think it's avoidant of you. These solutions are more like, if you deem it plausible, try it. They can help certain families fr. But they don't fit any family or any situation, and sometimes just going no contact is the best way.
I think it differs case to case. It's good that there is a way to make it better but that doesn't work for everyone and sometimes that strategy won't work on them so it's better to cut ties.
It depends on every case
Each house is a world of its own
Yeah most controlling parents have toxic and narcissistic traits so these solutions sadly don’t work
As a father of 2 teenage daughters. Please leave toxic parents. It's easy to be a nice parent.
Your comment hits hard
why did jung bae have to die in squid games season 2 man 😞
Oh boy, that sums it up. I have even said to my therapist that I was expected to go from virgin to married, but I was massively shamed for trying to make that happen, and I would meet a man who wouldn't have long term intentions but he wouldn't tell me that, so there was a lot to figure out. I didn't figure it out. I'm so far from promiscuous but I ended up a single parent. I have adhd and I was too trusting, partly cos I was raised to believe I had no right to ever question or doubt my caregivers. I am 54 now and have given up on meeting somebody. But I look back and I can understand why it didn't happen. My kids dad was like my mum. It was her way or the silent treatment. I had to obey her. I couldn't risk anything as my thoughts could set her off.
In my situation leaving them was the only choice. I tried to be compassioned with them, it worked sometimes when i had the energy and then I noticed did not want to have a relationship anymore with my parents. The hardest, most difficult and best decision of my life.
I can resonate. At this point I feel like if all of my other areas of life get on point and I'm self-actualized I *might* be solid enough to try to come back and repair the relationship. But right now I just do not have the capacity to try for the umpteenth time (they refuse family therapy so it's just me and my imperfect skills). The sad truth is they are a net negative in my life and for now I have to distance myself and focus on my own life.
As a person with Asian parents this is very much similar to how my parents use to be. Luckily I've been able to tell my parents to have patients an trust it will happen without them needing to push, well my Mom still pushes every now and then, and expect results.
I had been silently complaining in my head for years, about how my parents mistreated me, how they ignored my emotional needs and destroyed my self esteem. And about my anxiety, insecurities, appearance, etc. Then one day I watched a video from Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche of his experience with panic disorder in childhood. He said after months of meditation practice, panic became his teacher and friend. This gave me an insight into how to change the narratives of my life. No one was born perfect, nor was anyone raised in a perfect family. I can accept this fact, then instead of hoping I had zero adversities in life, I can practice overcoming these experiences.
Excellent perspective on life! You can only control yourself and how you look at life.
Great perspective to cultivate; it’s one I’ve also been trying to develop! I feel more at peace even as the world gets more chaotic because I’m understanding myself and developing resilience.
I think that having some childhood problems helps you to prepare for adult life. If you have too perfect a childhood, you might expect that perfection to continue for the rest of your life. And then stupid little problems will seem huge to you. I'm in my 60's, and, knowing some people...I am glad that I had some troubles as a child. Now, it all seems kind of too easy sometimes. I still meditate, of course.
This video is great, especially if you've grown up with a dominant mother who has always had a final say. Everything in this video fit me creepily well. Unmotivated isolated gamer who is just doing things that their mother wants them to do so I don't have to deal with her negative emotion. I remember clearly this started from a very young age.
Before I was even 10 I recall my mother forcing me to call every single person in my class until I could arrange a "play date" or "meetup" so I wouldn't spend too much time alone.
Endless amount of times I've had my mother sit next to me at the computer forcing me to do homework. The atmosphere would get worse and worse and I'd eventually just lock up and not write a single word hoping she would just give up or leave. It didn't matter if I cried or completely deflated into apathy, she was upset with me and the work had to be done.
It makes sense though that this would lead to me not learning how to motivate myself or finding a drive as I was instead forced into it by external factors. One way or another my entire life so far I have almost done nothing by my own will or motivation. It has always been influenced one way or another my mother or expectations from society.
I thought about this and I think this partly motivated the substance abuse I went through between 17-27. It completely shocked my family too because I was very obedient, quiet, polite and peaceful. My teenage rebellion basically never happened and instead turned into extreme drug abuse as young adult.
At my worst I was in so much pain that consciousness was just not a very good time so any way of distraction or getting high was extremely pleasant.
I was just too agreeable and submissive. I was in situations I didn't want to be in. Doing things I didnt want to do. Zero agency and my mind absolutely hated it, hated myself, hated people and hated my mother. I was very very angry from a young age and I recall even day dreaming or fantasizing about gruesome acts.
This is the evilest, most sarcastic form of compassion I've ever heard, and I love it.
Bro, this is literally what me and my friend have been tackling lately, parents.
Important note, HG does not recommend tackling your parents as a method of conflict resolution
@@HealthyGamerGG I don't know who writes these replies, but whoever they are they're hilarious!
@@HealthyGamerGGWell hey now, just because something isn't recommended doesn't mean that it isn't worth a shot!
@@HealthyGamerGG 😂😂
Humor with a straight face. Many will fall for it.😂
Damn, I'm always so appreciative of the parents I got. I don't have any childhood trauma the way so many tell me their parents treated them. Wish yall the best
This is a gem comment.
I'm a white lesbian woman from the south so not quite the demographic this video is targeted at, but I'm looking forward to trying out a compassion+boundaries based approach for my difficult conversations with my parents. They will never be happy, but that's certainly not my problem and I love myself too much to let them affect my own happiness.
> "love myself too much to let them affect my own happiness"
preach 🙏🙏🙏
You’re the reason I started posting on my channel documenting myself giving up all of my bad habits. Thank you!!
Kudos brother 🎉
@@dhiranya68 Bro!
The timing ! Went to mental screening and talked about being hit by mom from getting math problems wrong. I struggle with relationships now but with the little I have. I cried saying that I only felt valued from my friends
With all due respect, although I immensely value Dr. K's guidance, I feel like there is not enough acknowledgement of the parent's part here. I'm influenced by my own past in my view on this. Yes, it takes two for a dynamic, but I believe that more often than not, if we're talking about dynamics that have been created between a child and adults that then persisted into adulthood, a parent could have done more to understand their child and find ways to strengthen them as a human rather than to overtake and become controlling, because in their view the child is too "passive" or not doing enough. The solution now is indeed to take responsibility, show compassion and set healthy boundaries, but I would have wished for more compassion for the child that needed to endure this and had their confidence weakened by overbearing, perfectionistic and/or narcissistic parents that just leave you with this mountain of unresolved trauma. It's good to acknowledge the damage that comes with that more, especially in regard to the population that is being addressed with this video and topic.
@PsychologistSelina Unless I'm mistaken, the entire video literally points out many different mistakes parents are making and basically put the entire blame on the parents, acknowledging 100% that the parents caused it.
Yet, that doesn't change the situation and the underlying message is that while you're not to be blamed for it, you have agency and can change it by understanding that you also have power in this relationship
That's what the phrase 'it takes two for a dynamic' is referring to.
Too often people get stuck in a victim mentality when unjust and unfair things have happened to them. Which unfortunately keeps them stuck in that very uncomfortable situation.
In my experience, focusing too much on the 'oh poor child' part doesn't really help. It just reinforces the idea that they are a victim.
Sure it's a fine balance, but I think Dr. K acknowledged more than enough how much it sucks to be in the child's shoes
@ I appreciate your response, and I actually agree with most, if not all that you're saying. My personal philosophy is shaped greatly by taking responsibility and action.
Clearly, we have personal preferences in how to present and approach this situation. I personally think that one first needs to feel understood enough, and understand enough to make change. Someone who hasn't been granted unconditional love or acceptance by their caregivers first needs to experience how it feels to be understood. And on the basis of feeling like they aren't "bad" or "wrong", they can be empowered and take action.
It's good to see that for you the video clearly did that. For me it was just not sufficient enough, but I still agree to the information presented.
@PsychologistSelina I can see where you're coming from. I guess the videos purpose was not to focus directly on the comforting part of the process but the action part. There are other videos along the lines of 'You are good enough, unconditionally' that focus on the part you felt was missing in this video
@@Cientaschentuecher Reality is that if youre unhappy with a situation then you have to take responsibility to fix it or quit crying.
Another big REALITY is if someone is gaming 10 hours a day, not working, not studying, etc. then that behaviour STARTED because their parents traumatized their kids since childhood
Being the youngest of 4 by a decade, I tried to steer clear of my siblings poor choices and stay on the straight & narrow cause I will always remember those car rides home in the backseat as my parents complained about them all. In turn, I feel like my parents are disappointed that I'm not doing what they assume is natural progressions in life, but they keep quiet cause they know exactly why I keep them in the dark on my personal life. The few times I said things like, "Lay a woman out in front of me and I'll get her pregnant as long as you take care of it", it cleared the air and they eventually stopped inquiring. It's a win-lose-lose-win situation.
when my mom rants (almost exactly how you described, it was kind of funny), I started approaching her with a sarcastic confidence. She's starting to leave me alone more, I just kind of subtly point out she's being ridiculous and then when she tries snapping back I just ignore her or give the "mmm hmm." I love my mom, but she can be manipulative. My circumstances parallel a lot of what you said in the video. I still love and honor my parents, I just know I need to move on. Yeah, about what you said about being irresponsible, I was there once, but I'm not there anymore. I know what I'm going to do and why I'm going to do it. I've been actively using my free time to better myself, practicing and planning things. I've stopped bad habits and replaced them with good things. But, even though my mom doesn't say it, and she pretends to think otherwise, she isn't proud. Because I'm not living or wanting to live the life she wants me to. She nagged me for months about getting my Associates and leaving college, and only stopped when she realized she couldn't stop me (that and I encountered convenient issues that would make it a pain in the ass to continue my degree anyways). I'm not sure if it's the general consensus that college is good or bad right now, but I know it's bad for me. If I want to actually reach my full potential and be a good person, I have to leave. Money doesn't make me happy, and I'm a smarter and harder worker than most people. I'm taking the trade route at the moment. We have a family who owns an electrical business, going to do an apprenticeship with him. I have a plan to get out of the house within 3-4 years and plenty of backup plans. I've planned the lifestyle I want to live, and I have long-term goals. Once again, I love my parents, and they love me. However, they don't understand me and they won't clearly state their expectations either. My mom has been manipulative and has done a lot of harm to me, in addition to unfortunate circumstances stacking on top of that. I almost took my life in highschool and no one was there for me, my parents just expected me to man-up they just told me it was hormones. I don't think hormones can lead a 15 year old to get a gun out of his closet and genuinely contemplate ending their life. I'm far past that now, thankfully. The point of this comment is just to say, that society is fucking shit and your mental circumstances might not be the best, and it might be confusing. You need to move on, and you need to find purpose beyond yourself. What will you achieve in life and why. Who are you, why are you who you are. What dreams did you have that where never fulfilled. Money and expectations where never and will never be the point to life, live in contradiction to the world around you. I promise you'll be a lot happier this way.
I’m so tired of their antics. They refuse to see that they’re the problem. They know they are miserable but think that i am the reason. That’s why they are obsessed with “fixing” me even though they are the ones who need to be fixed! I am planning on going no-contact as soon as i gain financial independence.
Some of this definitely resonates with me. I don't think I was very driven throughout most of my early life, and so my mom kept pushing me and pushing me. I was a C student growing up... This only started to change in college. Still failed a class or two, but kept moving forward, and well... now I'm a doctor in my last year of residency. I do feel like at some point I did take the reins, owned the momentum of my own success and drove myself forward. What I have come to find out, though, is that I don't really feel much sense of joy in either of my parents saying that they're proud of me, and they've said that a bunch in the past few years...
I think you would just know they’re proud and they only say it very infrequently. It’s something that’s shown and felt and not said
@@JJMomoida I feel like when we take control over our own lives what our parents think just matters a lot less. It's pleasant when my parents are proud of me, but I don't feel any particular sense of joy. It's more important that I feel proud of me.
I think when you strive towards a goal out of fear or anger, annoyance, etc. when you reach it, it's more of a feeling of relief than joy. It's actually a letdown sometimes because you thought you'd be happier. At least that is my experience.
@@yuppers1 i feel you on that one. for me it's a mix of relief and joy because i know the field i want to work in but i was pushed into education since the teen years and nothing else... once i land a comfy-enough fulltime job im just going to up and leave this place 👍
I honestly believe that voice acting is one of Dr. K's hidden talents. The voice impressions that he does are way too good 😆
why hidden? he is presenting it in the open!
Ahh, good grief, this hits close to home. How many times have I heard "you're just like your father" as an insult to both myself and my sister?
And the contradictory messages too... one moment mom would go "I couldn't live without you" and the second either of us did something wrong, she'd go "I don't need you, I can do this myself" to both of us.
I feel like there's no appeasing my mom unless we commit to a complete and utter subservience to her every step, sacrifice ourselves to right her wrongs.
Man I wanna leave.
same thing here. idk if your parents set you on higher education but mine did. just trust the plan, and once you land a job, get up, leave, never come back. that's going to be my solution, hope you do the same
They're not just a DPS with tons of health. They an UNDEAD DPS with tons of health. Don't tank them or fight them. That makes them stronger. Heal them. Become a healer. That hurts the undead.
@@G.r.e.g.g.l.e.s
"Healing is more rewarding than hurting!"-
Medic TF2 from a parallel universe.
Or become an arcane poison built with arsenic in the tea like one old lady from our town who poisoned her mother 😅
Dr. K, please please please make a more in-depth video about this type of child & parent relationship if you think the community would benefit from it.
I for one certainly am interested in learning more, since it's exactly the type of parenting style I've known my whole life and I'm trying to combat the aftermath of it as an adult.
Good timing. I actually just got a call from my mom today, and she said she'd stop talking to me if I didn't give her money. Almost all the advice that was given in this video is basically what I've been doing, although I haven't tried showing compassion when she yells and gives me ultimatums. It's exhausting when it happens, but if I can't talk her out of buying brand new cars and iPhones, then all I'm doing is making problems worse for both of us. Like yeah, I'd love nothing more than to give her the luxuries she wants, but I'm doing everything I can to make sure my survival needs are met.
Bro you need some Dave Ramsey advice lol
Depends on more context, but I probably would say to give some for groceries clearly stating that its the last time (taking into account she threatened her own child for it) cause she's the parent, not you, maybe help her get a job, if she doesn't have, because she cant be fed by you if she's a person that has no condition that makes work an imposibility.
She getting money from through threats and other manipulations cannot be a situation any longer, its not healthy for you nor for her. Seek council if you need to, someone to talk about it.
@@SomeCallMeTato I initially loaned her $500 to get her out of the payday loan cycle she got herself stuck in. That loan turned into a gift, and that was supposed to be the last time I gave her money. There was a lot of animosity when I first started saying no, but eventually we would get along again.
To her credit, she does at least acknowledge she has a spending problem, and she admits that me giving her money enables these habits. Thankfully I got her to never use payday loans again, but she ignored my warnings about buying a new car and getting an iPhone through a payment scheme. They make it seem like a really good deal when they talk about how low the monthly payments are, but the interest fees really cut into her cash supply, which then results in her having to door dash more hours, which then results in her getting too sick to work the hours she needs to sustain her lifestyle. She earns more money than I do, and she spends a higher percentage of her earnings on credit card debt, car payments, and expensive phone plans that I wouldn't touch with a 10-ft pole.
She gets money from Social Security as well, and they allow her to work at a limited capacity. I don't even know what that capacity looks like, but she's definitely overworking herself. The things she buys causes her so much pain and suffering, and I hate seeing her like that. All I can do is let her learn on her own and hope she becomes responsible one day. I will always have a room available for her at my house, but she'll only treat that as a last resort since she knows I will require her to give up the things that make her unhealthy. It's not something I want either, but in order to make sure neither of us end up homeless, I have to be able to sustain my ownership of the house as well as put money into repairing damages that desperately need it (especially since the hurricanes in my state are getting worse every year).
If I didn't buy my house when I did, I wouldn't be able to reasonably afford rent without subjecting myself to greater pain. That's how bad things are for me financially. Like yeah, I might be doing better than my mom right now, but she's hanging by a thread, and my grandma might not have much longer to live.
Ah fuck, I'm feeling down again. I didn't mean to offload like this. I might have to push my next therapy visit up a little bit since I'm feeling particularly bad right now. There's been a ton of drama within my DnD group that's been weighing on me too, so I'm juggling a lot right now.
I appreciate that you're willing to talk to me about this, and I hope I didn't make your day any worse. Please be happy for me! I'm feeling really bad right now, but I'll get by just fine. This isn't the worst I've ever felt either, so there's that at least. :)
@Lazzil We are in this world together, the least we can do is listen to each other.
I learned how to do it the hard way, but now I'm amazed watching this video. Because it really does become so much easier when you disconnect from the conflict and don't take anything personally. My mother is exactly like this, and I've learned how to deal with her. Now she never bothers me, but it affects my little brother, who's going through puberty and he has those problems. When you talked about your natural inner drive, it dawned on me. I've never heard of this before but it clears up so many things in my head. I will talk to my mom about this. My brother is really losing his inner drive, I just couldn't pinpoint that. Thank you for the video!
My mom is everything you described and more. I told her a few weeks ago that I'd be genuinely a lot happier and will do a lot better if she was unalive. She hasn't been bothering me since.
Hugs.
@ 🙂
I figured I would still have all the residual poor coping skills and negative self talk. That's already programmed in. If I don't fix it, I'll be destroying myself anyway.
@@ItsKroov
I imagine it's deeply shocking to hear your child say that.
Perhaps that's the reason the she's more or less toned it back?
2 wrongs dont make 1 right
Me: "Mom stop constantly saying negative things to me, I deserve respect."
Mom: "Well you didn't do that chore so of course I talk negatively to you, you're so spoiled!"
I love how they will talk about me being unappreciative when all they did was the bare minimum to avoid legal consequences. Not that I ever complained anyway, just that they were never satisfied with the lack of praise I gave them. Basically they think they should be thanked for even having children and you are their subjugate
"I hear that you are frustrated and I apologize for not communicating my plan to get that done. I understand your frustration, but I would appreciate it if next time we could make requests of each other instead of name calling."
@ That's a good way to communicate, the problem is she always used chores as a way to deflect the conversation, avoid responsability and blame me instead for her toxic parenting. I ended up cutting contact with her as an adult because I was traumatized and needed to heal. Also I hate her and will always hate her, she was never kind to me and we were never close. I do not wish to try and communicate with her.
I am so lucky and beyond grateful. My parents are still together and have allowed me and my son to still live with them after my divorce. I have epilepsy so I need a certain amount of help and they've helped all that and more. I have 50/50 custody of my son so he's here every other week and I can tell what a blessing it's been for him to have someone else in the house besides just him and me.
I do have to set boundaries and and put in effort to the relationships but of course we do.
Yeah... this isn't for me. I didn't have parents. I have no sympathy for you.
We love a good support system success story, when they're out there! Thanks for checking out the video anyway. 💚
@@HealthyGamerGG Happy to be of any kind of support I can, and just turning on the video is easy!
Thanks!
I gave up all of my bad habits overnight, a lot thanks to you Dr. K. I'm documenting it on my channel and in hopes of healing my shattered brain. Thanks for your inspo, cheers!
Dr k the 🐐.
Gl man.
@ thanks dude!!
I definitely fall into that not proactive kid category. But whenever I would make progress on something it still warrants a rant and pushing. Overtime I stopped making as much progress bc it felt pointless. If I can’t fix everything now then it’s not good enough. (I watched your video on progress and it’s been really helpful recently). As for showing compassion I don’t think I’ve done it without too much emotion on my part so I can try it. But I have tried to leave the conversation before but being that I live at home, she just follows me 😅. I love my mom very much and she’s a great person. We just butt heads at times.
I don't think my parents will be happy because they're dead. So, that sucks.
That makes the title true.
I had the same thought 😂
Your parents are happy, I'm nearly certain of it.
I don't think you are the target audience for this video lol
that must be hard, I hope you'll have in your life other people that make you feel loved
Yup dealing with parental issues. I’ve been taking stock of boundaries and who’s been crossing them. And I realized that my own mom was doing this. I almost panicked when I realized what had been happening for so long. Hit me like a punch to the gut.😮
Understanding my parents and developing empathy for them helped me alot in this situation.
that opening bit is why you are one of the most fun and relatable teachers to learn from. My family situation was different in the details, yet the same theme rings true.
"No A B or C allowed, now explain why you haven't done X Y or Z" when A leads to directly to X, B -> Y, and C -> Z.
lol. it's so good.
Sometimes life ends up solving its own problems. My dad died and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
same - the year before i got married & started my family - i've never been so grateful to fate for his heart attack.. it was way easier working through my personal traumas back in my 20s without him around
I beefed this video when I was in my early 20s. My mom screwed up her relationship with my older brother and wants a second try with my teenage son. She's way too involved in his life. This has made me feel like I'm not good enough parent. Everytime I see my mom, she drills me with questions. I'm a single mom and I try my best. She is jealous of our bond. We have more of a older sister/younger brother bond. As a parent, I know when to be serious. But most of the time, its not needed because I don't lie or sugarcoat the truth. He appreciates that. If I knew she'd be this involved, I would have never moved back to my home town. I thought she was just looking out for me. But as he's gotten older and can speak/think for himself, she has fits of anger when he doesn't agree or doesn't want to deal with her shenanigans. Most kids are smarter than their parents. Its just that some parents have too much ego and pride to see that.
The issue with mother was that she'd storm off on her own for hours and she'd just rile herself up over that time and come back even more pissed, often about older things in the past.
11:43 I'm sorry but what's really is going to happen is for a little she's gonna calm down but if you keep on she's gonna be like: "stop being sorry and sad for the situation if you know this is bad for me why can't you change it?"
It takes time to build the drive to do it yourself. Getting your parents to stop bothering you is the first step, you can't expect result to start happening overnight because the child needs to recalibrate as well.
I've had this issue where I tell my mother to stop, and I get maybe a week or twos break from it, then my own rumblings started and I began to start doing things by myself, but then my mothers patience runs out and she gets on my case again and it stops the whole process.
🎯🎯
Parents don’t understand that the home life is acted out by everyone. A Kind and peaceful home results in the children mimicking this behavior. The foundation sets the standards for the rest of their lives.
Heavy boundaries and not spending time with my parents is my solution. If they want a real relationship they need to not treat me like I’m a child and I immediately disengage with them.
They don’t get access to me if they want to treat me like a slave.
This is my dad. Hyper critical, very toxic, doesn't believe in boundries, controlling and overbearing. Caused me a ton of childhood trauma that is ruining my career choice since I'm trying to make a career change that will make my parents happy... which doesn't seem possible since he constantly moves the goal posts of what a successful career is and usually involves becoming wealthy and giving him a large chunk of that for "raising me".... Finally learning in my 30's to make decisions for myself - it's my life anyway.
Dr. K mocking the nagging mother (Sacrastic K going "nah lalalalah!") has me rolling btw
Has your dad ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder? I
I am german. My mom was from a sociological milieu called "bildungsbuergertum" (literally "educational bourgeoisie"). It is called so because for them, good marks and good degrees of them and their children is a status symbol.
One reason why my autism got undiagnosed was because of that, I often seemed to be a smarter kid and my mom liked that.😅
My parents strongly worked on my marks and sometimes even tried to write certain homework for me.
In the end, for a long time, I literally felt education would fix everything in my life and I even believed someday, if I just got a good enough academic degree, then, girls would finally like me.
My mom did not want me to talk to girls but that was not because of education... well, instead, my mom was weird there. She suspected literally every girl I liked would end up raping me. And after I said to her that this is complete bullshit, she literally said this would be a proof that it's the opposite way round and my mom suspected me of wanting to rape her. And that conversation ALWAYS happened. My mom was very paranoid there.I asked my mom why she apparently thought every relationship between men and women involves rape according to her. She refused to answer that...🙄
I still cannot understand the logic of my mom on that topic.
Interestingly, when my mom married my dad, she directly completely sacrificed her universities education to become a homemaker and wife. And she almost immediately started to regret that
Yikes I'm so sorry, this sounds super confusing and frustrating to grow up with 😭
The part about rape might be from her own trauma...
@@skymed3095 that is what I suspected
Parents sucks, there is nobody that will thoroughly mess you up more than bad parents.
Great advice, love your sense of humour and delivery Dr. K, many thanks!
I am a parent and l wish my kids to be happy!
And they’ve done great!! Not all my hopes have come true for them yet, but l pray for them, provide helpful suggestions once in a while gently. I bet the vast majority of parents love their children greatly and are blamed and criticized no matter what. Thank God my kids are equally gentle and considerate and loving of me- it means everything to me. I was a single mother, l chose my battles and sometimes was strict and had to push them, but always loved them beyond life! To have a kid is to love them, to want the best life possible! And to want them to have kids is to want them to have that JOY!!!❤❤❤❤❤❤
Resenting the ask comes from the negative association of being asked. *If being asked removes the reward of having done the task, nobody wants to do the task. *
It's an attempt to regain the social reward. The reward may be as simple as "Thank you" but to those who know - Being asked to do the specific something somehow forgoes even the "thank you" for doing it. There is obviously more too it, but this is the simple highlight that I think helps on top of the rest of the video.
as we are all children of someone, it's universal that we want to know we're appreciated. I think many of us forget that as we age.
Isn't this more like, "why parents fail to allow their children to be happy"?
Happiness is there .. somewhere, but it should be about letting children become responsible and self sustaining .
As a parent - you gotta be more understanding and rational towards children at minimum, because you have the experience they lack.
towards children
I once had this conversation with a friend
Their relationship isn't 50-50, it's more 60-40 towards the parent. They were in the kid's shoes years ago, the kid was never a parent
As an Asian, I appreciate you making these subjects clear for us and enabling us to break this cycle, since this happens more in Asian traditional families. The trauma is underestimated!
What bothers me about this video is it's all "here is what you should do" - which of course is a great response to people describing their problems, but I feel, especially in this scenario where the person's behavior was shaped over years, there should ALSO be a portion of, paraphrasing, "it's OK to be really heartbroken/angry about this situation"
@5:38 ive been watching your videos for years now, and the time has come where you acknowledge this.
Thankyou so much ❤
wohhh, i did this myself.
i showed my parents that i know what they are talking about and showing that im trying to learn. they dont bother me a lot anymore
Cesar Milan told me to use the "Tsst" phrase to calm down the energy. Jokes aside, great video!
Goodness dr knows his audience. This was the best and most relatable episode yet
my mother is so toxic it motivated me to gtfo of her house. no matter how bad a boss may be they will never be as bad as my mother.
Damn bro. She might have bpd? 🤔 has she been tested?
What about parents that still try to control how you think, what you believe, how you dress, who you date, etc. despite you doing the right things in your professional life
Really needed to hear this one, thank you!
Wow, ive been watching dr k for years but this one really hit home...
Just finished the trauma part of the guide. I just felt so much gratitude for Dr.K's efforts to help us have better lives. I hope this reaches him.
I've noticed the same pattern in most of these videos. Basically, when someone is trying to control you. Giving them no power is your best weapon. This could be displayed in silence, compassion or taking on all the blame. Once you give them a reaction or you try to fight back you lose. Next time a situation like this happens. Ask yourself. "What could I do to diffuse this situation" "how can I put myself into the other person's shoes" "what can I do or say to practice compassion" often times, people like this will try and make you feel small to I inflate their ego.
Narcissism is a growing trend in our society. Everyone thinks they are right to a certain degree. But almost everything is subjective. Everyone has their own opinion and no matter how strong or how loud your argument is, it will never resonate with an entitled/narcissist/grandiose/ignorant/superiority complex/Messiah complex/... Person (there are so many ways to list a narcissist it's crazy.
It’s so wild to listen to this kind of stuff as a parent now. I’m 31yo with a 6yo so a little different context but still very valuable information.
Absolutely nailed it with the thumbnail and opening of the video
Something I learned is giving an option when asking others. Instead of "do the dishes now" something like "could you please do the dishes, sometime tonight. It gives the deadline, but allows for the freedom of choosing when. Had to teach my parents that one, but the relationship was a lot more healthy then.
Step 1. Get a job get out of there, majority of the time you cannot win with parents. Dealing with them from a distance will be less draining
Step 2. Take responsibility for yourself, focus on healing, save financially. Address your terrible parents when you have the energy and resources to do so.
5:37 Really hit home for me. Despite being a girl, my parents always recognized that I took after my father more with his genetics while I was growing up. Unfortunately... My parents were in an unhealthy relationship and my mom (also being the breadwinner) would say "just like your father" when I wouldn't do what she wanted. It was always a jab at both of us. Too stubborn, too lazy, too irrational, too arguable, unmotivated.
My mother has never been satisfied with anything I’ve done in my life and my dad was never consistent with expressing it, unlike the anger whenever I’ve done anything bad.
So I don’t care. They can stay mad, they’re gonna be anyway, so I’m not gonna limit my happiness trying to make them happy.
This was a very interesting video by Dr. K. I don't hear him talk about parents in this "give them the benefit of the doubt" way very often. I don't find it offputting but I do find it very unique and different and it makes me think a lot.
yeah, i spent my 20's literally just trying to appease my mother. This lasted until about the time i was 29 and she got brain cancer. Even as i was put in charge of taking care of her i never once felt like i accomplished making her happy even at the end. Her literaly last words were he begging for her abusive mother in her sleep while she died. its left a hole in me i have no idea how to fix. but hey hows your tuesday going guys?
free churro huh?
Patrick Tehan's UA-cam might help you
You could never make her happy because she was never happy herself. She cried out for her own demons at the end.
You did good though. You tried and that’s all you could really do. You can’t control the outcome. You can only control what you can do.
Focus on healing you now. You’ll have to let go of getting that validation from your mom just as she needed to let it go so that she could see you.
You could help, yet not *fix* it
That was up to more people other than you. You can do your part, But yours is never 100%.
Even for yourself what you have is the last word, you aren't *entirely* responsible for your life, yet it depends on you what to make of it
my dad was that kind of parent but he was also physically violent, when my parents divorced and he moved out i took that opportunity to cut him off entirely for a year. after that i very slowly let him back in (mind you i was still 17/18) and i noticed a HUGE difference in his behavior! he was, for once, VERY cautious and walking on eggshells to not upset me. know why? because he actually realized i very much can up and leave and it frightened him straight. I'm currently 25 and our relationship is finally healthier but i live on the other side of the planet and wouldn't have it any other way haha
I really needed this video 8 years ago
I have the opposite problem: my family infantilizes me and now I’m 26 and scared to drive. Lolololol
The first 10s describes everything that has happened and is happening
Hey tnx, just recently posted a comment about this in some short I think, kind of scary how on point and good time it is
Compassion really does work better than stubbornness. With enough pressure any stone will move. By being compassionate they have nothing to push against because you don't push back. Instead you let them feel how they feel and try to empathize. The hardest part is letting go of the belief that you're responsible for their feelings. This is the core belief of people who are motivated by guilt.
Finally landed a decent paying job that isn’t in the field I went to school for yet I wouldn’t have without my degree, got a hold of my finances, working on myself, other adult things, etc. I went to visit my mom the other day to talk about her financial situation because as her kid I’m worried about her age and when/if she will be able to retire. I talk to her about possible ways to tackle this and when I mention a possible career change to greatly increase income, she attacks the fact that I’m not working in the field I went to school for. Damn lol.
Broooo, how are you doing this? I'm facing the same issues with my controlling mom. I'm too old for this
You know how the saying goes... "If it's not one thing, it's your mother," or something like that. 😁 (You're not alone - definitely affects children of all ages!)
It might be that she is having an identity crisis.
One of the worst tendencies of human beings is when people tell us to do something good for us, and we refuse. Well, it depends on WHO tells you to do it, if you respect or love that person a lot, you will do it immediately. So if the parent earned their true respect(not sure its the proper word here), we would do everything they say happily, which is not the case most of the time.
I needed this so much
bro really is going HARD on his uploads🔥🔥
Problem is accountability which they lack, why we have to babysit them forever.
If it’s really toxic on their end, no contact is the only way
This video must be for other people, my parents were fine and never really put pressure on me. I'm quite unsuccessful in life but my parents seem to accept me anyway.
I needed this so much. Thank you again.❤
This is the first time your video is perfectly timed in a while
Awesomeeeee video! Thanks Dr.K!