Super nice people are magnets for toxic people because they put up with abuse and unreasonable behaviour. I hope she finds the strength to make the difficult decisions.
@@semosancus5506 This is all too familiar. And yet I still feel bad because I "drove her to cheat" all because I stood up to the instable, angry, and disrespectful behavior. No winning. Still distraught.
@@kereemnicholas2718 My ex constantly accused me of cheating. A guy looked at me too long, it must be that I “knew” him and we were sleeping together. I have never and would never cheat. Anyway, one day I get a message from my ex’s mistress. Turns out he’d been cheating with several women the entire time.
I lived in that cycle for almost 8 years and I will never again. Look up the cycle of abuse. It's absolutely a constant cycle and it will never be broken until you leave. People who weaponize their childhood abuse to excuse treating you poorly don't deserve you to pick up their pieces.
It was VERY challenging to end the physically/verbally/emotionally abusive relationship I was in, I got the courage to leave, I am super joyful and at peace
I love when women are viewed as needing to do “traditional gender roles” of cleaning/cooking, while also doing the men’s traditional gender role of working 🙄
That’s why there is no such thing as 50/50. Women naturally do more because even if they aren’t working their doing their half. But most are working too so it’s pushing past 50%.
There was probably bad behavior on both sides and it's only natural to downplay or omit your own bad actions when you're on a radio show with thousands of listeners.
Any adult who cannot find peace within themselves, even for 5 minutes will always fail to get the peace they seek by assigning it to their romantic partners.
Narcissists will always apologize and will always say "we" on the solution so they can continue to excuse their behavior. If you're not ready for divorce, find a good lawyer to talk to. Pay as you go. A good lawyer is going to cost hundreds an hour but it's worth every penny. They'll help you avoid pitfalls that trap people in abusive relationships and help navigate your way out if that's needed. You can separate first but unless he goes to therapy and starts making real changes and just shuts up about doing the right thing. If needs constant acknowledgement he's still toxic.
I was in this type of relationship for three years. I questioned constantly if it was me and eventually, through gaslighting, he convinced me that it was me. The relationship was not worth saving. I had to realize my worth. I thank God that I left. I am in a happy marriage now with a beautiful baby. I know 100% now that the only issue I brought into the past relationship is that I didn’t love myself enough.
Okay so you brought insecurities into your last relationship and questioned if the problem was you until he gaslighted you in believing it was you although your admitting later that you did have issues? I'm just trying to understand because that sounds exactly like someone im dealing with
My husband and I had a toxic brought up childhood. We told each other’s stories from childhood. We are inseparable from one another. We always work things out. We always talk it out. Marriage is hard. Not once has my husband treated me like this. Not once.
Am so happy for you!! My husband knows my story. But telling his to me, he cannot do - it’s too, too painful. After 42 years of our tumultuous relationship I stopped talking, gave him space, sort of checked out, really. Then I separated for three years. It is only now he has begun to release thoughts and emotions and shame. He needed that space to grow up, grow spiritually physically and emotionally. So sad. He trusts no one - hardly even me.
That is so true don’t wait for your needs to be met… I did for 38 years … I gave him an out to treat me bad… it never changed, he can’t see me…the problem is still here.
Writing letters is a brilliant move. Great recommendation from Dr. John. I can’t tell you how many times I read (present tense) the letter from my spouse. After I walked. Not a letter of apology as I had hoped, but one of “awareness that he was the one who finally doomed our marriage”. Yes, he did. I was glad to see he finally recognized and took ownership for his behavior. That’s enough for me. Write it in a letter. Letters show your care about allowing the reader time to process and not “react”. They can be awesome starts to healing. But are always cathartic for the author too.
John, stop talking about spouses - usually men - "helping" around the house. Help implies that housework is one person's obligation and the spouse lends them a hand. They both live there. "In the same way parents don't babysit", spouses don't "help" with chores. It's a shared responsibility. They cooperate, co-manage the house chores.
It depends on whether they defined their roles. If they agree to certain roles then yes it could be viewed as "helping". If they haven't then yes chores etc are a mutual responsibility.
That sounded a bit harsh BeaBefastVideas… he’s doing his best to give advice/suggestions in a very volatile situation. You have a valid point but the delivery 🚓😤 whew!!
Throw that ring at me again and we getting a divorce. How dare he???? I hope she finds the strength to stand up to him bc he is being such a child. If he’s giving all these ultimatums and threatening her with leaving, let him go. Girl you worth so much more than this crappy man.
@@suek7086 Exactly! I feel kinda bad for him because he has ptsd but he can’t use her as his punching bag. She will be walking on eggshells around him and that’s not fair to her. He needs to get help
This is my life completely just that mine is 15 years and yours is 1 year. Get therapy and decide now if you really want this relationship. It's a lot of immaturity
Enough, show him the door! That’s a yr too long, don’t make it 2 yrs if it only took him less than 1 that to express what he thinks of his marriage by throwing that ring at you 🚩 🚩 🚩 Run, girl!
I think every couple needs to discuss their roles in the home. After all marriage is a partnership where both have to be holding up the fort together. It all depends on their outside the home work job and inside the home chores. So that any one spouse should not be overworked.
"I need help around the house". Rethink that statement. The house is both their responsibility, being the case that they both work full time. It's not her job only. She doesn't need help around the house, she needs him to step up and take care of his house too.
Hard to make a definitive statement when you only have one side of the story. That said sounds like a mess if he’s unwilling to work with you there’s really not much you can do. You are Young life short. Good luck
7:17 props to John for asking that. Caller, go watch some Kevin Samuels archives when he talks about wives and their husbands. Better to live on a roof than with a contentious woman. The husband needs to stop using covert contracts and setting unspoken expectations. Weak husbands make battle axe wives. Takes two to make it work.
Battle Axe…..that statement is true. We chip away at our men who won’t engage, aren’t sure of who they are or what they want, have no vulnerability and no capability to tell us what they want. Ladies and gentlemen, follow John’s “right on target” advice. Look in the mirror, own your past - you can’t change it so don’t waste your time. Paint a whole new picture of what you want your life to be. Don’t fear stepping into that new painting; do it one small piece at a time. You’ll be headed toward the sun and will not want to look back. Please don’t wait for decades (as I did) to live that picture.
Hey, where in the world does he come up with the husband was abused because the color of his skin? This is why this nonsense continues to go around. LOL, sounds like he's a great guy? This guy sounds sounds terrible in comparison to a lot of other guys you didn't know but had no problem bashing the hell out of them. Talk about hypocritical.
@@GreekYogurtGranola It's definitely not telling a wife to dictate this and that to their husband. The husband is the head of the wife. But John clearly isn't a Christian so he's not going to give Biblical advice.
Super nice people are magnets for toxic people because they put up with abuse and unreasonable behaviour. I hope she finds the strength to make the difficult decisions.
Agreed, toxic people will unload all of their problems on you and make you feel responsible for their instability.
@@NeccoWecco And they will cheat on you because you put up with it.
@@semosancus5506 This is all too familiar. And yet I still feel bad because I "drove her to cheat" all because I stood up to the instable, angry, and disrespectful behavior. No winning. Still distraught.
@@kereemnicholas2718 My ex constantly accused me of cheating. A guy looked at me too long, it must be that I “knew” him and we were sleeping together. I have never and would never cheat. Anyway, one day I get a message from my ex’s mistress. Turns out he’d been cheating with several women the entire time.
I lived in that cycle for almost 8 years and I will never again. Look up the cycle of abuse. It's absolutely a constant cycle and it will never be broken until you leave. People who weaponize their childhood abuse to excuse treating you poorly don't deserve you to pick up their pieces.
It was VERY challenging to end the physically/verbally/emotionally abusive relationship I was in, I got the courage to leave, I am super joyful and at peace
This happened to me. Never again
I love when women are viewed as needing to do “traditional gender roles” of cleaning/cooking, while also doing the men’s traditional gender role of working 🙄
That’s why there is no such thing as 50/50. Women naturally do more because even if they aren’t working their doing their half. But most are working too so it’s pushing past 50%.
We work hard then men, has always been like that.
This is what you all asked for.
Working outside the home isn't quite as glamorous as you thought it would be, huh?
@@americanhealthcaresurvivor no, we didn’t ask to do a man’s job and a woman’s. But believe what you want.
@@americanhealthcaresurvivor go away incel
Him throwing the ring and saying he'll explore options to get some peace would've been the last draw for me. Good luck!
Options meaning one night stands? 🤔
@@zeal4god402 That's how it comes off as to me but I'm sure he'll deny and say that's not what he meant and come up with another excuse.
Right. That was very telling of him, a red flag if you will.
There was probably bad behavior on both sides and it's only natural to downplay or omit your own bad actions when you're on a radio show with thousands of listeners.
Any adult who cannot find peace within themselves, even for 5 minutes will always fail to get the peace they seek by assigning it to their romantic partners.
Narcissists will always apologize and will always say "we" on the solution so they can continue to excuse their behavior. If you're not ready for divorce, find a good lawyer to talk to. Pay as you go. A good lawyer is going to cost hundreds an hour but it's worth every penny. They'll help you avoid pitfalls that trap people in abusive relationships and help navigate your way out if that's needed.
You can separate first but unless he goes to therapy and starts making real changes and just shuts up about doing the right thing. If needs constant acknowledgement he's still toxic.
I was in this type of relationship for three years. I questioned constantly if it was me and eventually, through gaslighting, he convinced me that it was me. The relationship was not worth saving. I had to realize my worth. I thank God that I left. I am in a happy marriage now with a beautiful baby. I know 100% now that the only issue I brought into the past relationship is that I didn’t love myself enough.
Okay so you brought insecurities into your last relationship and questioned if the problem was you until he gaslighted you in believing it was you although your admitting later that you did have issues? I'm just trying to understand because that sounds exactly like someone im dealing with
My husband and I had a toxic brought up childhood. We told each other’s stories from childhood. We are inseparable from one another. We always work things out. We always talk it out. Marriage is hard. Not once has my husband treated me like this. Not once.
Awesome...
Am so happy for you!! My husband knows my story. But telling his to me, he cannot do - it’s too, too painful.
After 42 years of our tumultuous relationship I stopped talking, gave him space, sort of checked out, really. Then I separated for three years. It is only now he has begun to release thoughts and emotions and shame. He needed that space to grow up, grow spiritually physically and emotionally. So sad. He trusts no one - hardly even me.
That is so true don’t wait for your needs to be met… I did for 38 years … I gave him an out to treat me bad… it never changed, he can’t see me…the problem is still here.
hearing her describe why she loved him was so beautiful yet so heartbreaking. wow. i hope she finds love and peace.
Writing letters is a brilliant move. Great recommendation from Dr. John. I can’t tell you how many times I read (present tense) the letter from my spouse. After I walked. Not a letter of apology as I had hoped, but one of “awareness that he was the one who finally doomed our marriage”. Yes, he did. I was glad to see he finally recognized and took ownership for his behavior. That’s enough for me. Write it in a letter. Letters show your care about allowing the reader time to process and not “react”. They can be awesome starts to healing. But are always cathartic for the author too.
End this disaster NOW! Don’t have kids!!!
Feel bad for this lady, sounds like such a chaotic situation
Ruuuuuuuun!!! Do NOT have children with this man!
I agree. Having children with volatile/ unstable men is one of the worst things you can do as a woman.
It’s only going to get worse. Sounds like he has buyer’s remorse. Run while you still can. You’re in danger, girl.
Honestly, throwing the ring is kind of the end for me.
And run without challenging him, without giving him any notice.
I’ve been married for 14 years….realized there was a problem probably 8-10 years ago. I guess I ignored them and thought it would get better.
Narcissist. Make him mad tonight so he can go ahead & move. He's training you life a dog so you don't speak up.
He likely wouldn't leave. He'd probably make more of a scene because she didn't try to stop him and actually wanted him to go
John, stop talking about spouses - usually men - "helping" around the house. Help implies that housework is one person's obligation and the spouse lends them a hand.
They both live there.
"In the same way parents don't babysit", spouses don't "help" with chores. It's a shared responsibility. They cooperate, co-manage the house chores.
Great points!!!
💯
It depends on whether they defined their roles. If they agree to certain roles then yes it could be viewed as "helping". If they haven't then yes chores etc are a mutual responsibility.
That’s not what he meant
That sounded a bit harsh BeaBefastVideas… he’s doing his best to give advice/suggestions in a very volatile situation.
You have a valid point but the delivery 🚓😤 whew!!
Throw that ring at me again and we getting a divorce. How dare he???? I hope she finds the strength to stand up to him bc he is being such a child. If he’s giving all these ultimatums and threatening her with leaving, let him go. Girl you worth so much more than this crappy man.
There would be some good times but a lot of disagreements over nearly 10 years of marriage. I’ve never felt more peace then after I left.
The ring throw is a huge red flag. She needs to get out.
True
Wow he throws a temper fit and gives her a deadline? Controlling.
This man sounds emotionally abusive. Been there… done that. It doesn’t get better :(
I have to agree. He is sorry now but it won’t last. I know from experience.
@@suek7086 Exactly! I feel kinda bad for him because he has ptsd but he can’t use her as his punching bag. She will be walking on eggshells around him and that’s not fair to her. He needs to get help
He cheating , girl help him pack his bags before June 1.
Yup usually when they get bold all of a sudden with nothing to cause it, they have someone waiting in the wings!
Run girl, run
Sounds exhausting. Assess and act before the kids start coming.
Yikes. Best of luck to her.
This is my life completely just that mine is 15 years and yours is 1 year. Get therapy and decide now if you really want this relationship. It's a lot of immaturity
are you following your own advice? "Get therapy and decide now if you really want this relationship"
With 4 children and my own means I decided to stay and generally ignore it. My mind is that of a single mother
Let him explore options….. now!
Enough, show him the door! That’s a yr too long, don’t make it 2 yrs if it only took him less than 1 that to express what he thinks of his marriage by throwing that ring at you 🚩 🚩 🚩
Run, girl!
I think every couple needs to discuss their roles in the home. After all marriage is a partnership where both have to be holding up the fort together. It all depends on their outside the home work job and inside the home chores. So that any one spouse should not be overworked.
"I need help around the house". Rethink that statement. The house is both their responsibility, being the case that they both work full time. It's not her job only. She doesn't need help around the house, she needs him to step up and take care of his house too.
Manipulation at first 🥂
:( this made me sad
Our decision was to have separate bed rooms and we take separate vacations.
We both love it.
Hard to make a definitive statement when you only have one side of the story. That said sounds like a mess if he’s unwilling to work with you there’s really not much you can do. You are Young life short. Good luck
Agree. We only hear her side.
The question IS, does he love you?
So basically you got 2 people acting like children and she's asking how to make a relationship work. How about stop acting like damn children?
Leave!
He already has a side person on the side.
Sounds like it.
He controls if they stay married then there is no marriage to start with.
Get out.
The government wants you to divorce. The Lord wants you to work on your marriage.
The government wants to be your God.
She has been working on her marriage. The Lord doesn't want us to be abused.
She needs to leave
+1 View.
Ahhhh a mama’s boy!!!
This sounds like us.
walk away
Yikes
7:17 props to John for asking that.
Caller, go watch some Kevin Samuels archives when he talks about wives and their husbands.
Better to live on a roof than with a contentious woman.
The husband needs to stop using covert contracts and setting unspoken expectations. Weak husbands make battle axe wives. Takes two to make it work.
Battle Axe…..that statement is true. We chip away at our men who won’t engage, aren’t sure of who they are or what they want, have no vulnerability and no capability to tell us what they want.
Ladies and gentlemen, follow John’s “right on target” advice. Look in the mirror, own your past - you can’t change it so don’t waste your time. Paint a whole new picture of what you want your life to be. Don’t fear stepping into that new painting; do it one small piece at a time.
You’ll be headed toward the sun and will not want to look back.
Please don’t wait for decades (as I did) to live that picture.
😊 lo
Nope girl leave
Hey, where in the world does he come up with the husband was abused because the color of his skin? This is why this nonsense continues to go around. LOL, sounds like he's a great guy? This guy sounds sounds terrible in comparison to a lot of other guys you didn't know but had no problem bashing the hell out of them. Talk about hypocritical.
He gives women such horrible advice.
What advice would you have given this woman? There are a lot of women in her shoes that would like to hear a different perspective.
@@dinea7770 Stop being so headstrong and submit to your husband. Either that or buy a cat and die alone. No man is going to put up with her nonsense.
I'm a Christian though so I have a totally different view than someone that doesn't believe in God.
@@jilogarcia5979 so what advice would that be as a believer…….
@@GreekYogurtGranola It's definitely not telling a wife to dictate this and that to their husband. The husband is the head of the wife. But John clearly isn't a Christian so he's not going to give Biblical advice.