Denial , deflecting, dismissive, gaslighting, pathological lying, projecting, blame shifting, and never taking ownership or accountability Are just the beginning of describing the numerous pathological antics of the malignant narcissist alcoholic I divorced.
Denial enables them to live in an alternate reality. Substance abuse enables them to reinforce their commitment to that alternate reality. They are too cowardly to face the truth of who they are. I lived this nightmare for decades with my now ex. He has become completely self-centered and self indulgent in his fantasy world.
When denial is followed by lies ( even when the evidence is presented) then the age old question is," Do they believe their own lies? " They make their own reality and it keeps on shifting. They deny their own contradictory lies and positions. It is a kaleidoscope of confusion. Thank you for helping us in our efforts to anchor our understanding.
Thank you as the ex wife of 24 yrs this has validated my own education in this realm. I am powerless to change his many addictions but I try to gain insight in my own healing. Very helpful thank you.
I have your book, rethinking. Appreciate this breakdown on the most problematic part of behaviors or styles of thinking. Working clinically as a psychologist in Norway, I find your insights very cool.💪
It’s evident a lot more world wide awareness is needed of this, including covert narcissism after the Johnny Depp trial. Millions and millions have got it wrong.
Great insight I really need to consider! But I think my problem is I can't seem to realize that my narc is as devious as he actually is! So I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt! 😖 So I guess I'm in denial!
I know start trauma therapy Monday already in visual projection therapy and intensive therapy I have a pshcyatrist and I have been abused by a business owner whose ex spouse is a federal state government worker in process with 2nd attorney for s.s. d. and my new hearing is in 3 months. I beat that person at their game, but what is great about anyone being this evil people need too be reformed
What really struck me while watching this video is the link between denial and empathy impairment in toxic relationships. For example… If someone tells me that my behavior is hurtful to them, then I will apologize and change my behavior. It doesn’t matter if I thought I was just being funny or didn’t realize I was being hurtful. Empathy kicks in, I understand that I’ve caused distress, and I don’t want that person to feel distressed-ESPECIALLY not because of something I did or said. But if a person is unable or unwilling to empathize with another person, then I imagine it’s easy to deny that other person’s feelings and experience, and thus deny that your behavior toward them is hurtful. Then, of course, denial of your own feelings that result in response to being confronted (shame, guilt, sadness, fear, etc.) would come in the form of blame shifting, anger, whataboutism, projection, etc. **And then a whole other level of toxic gets added to the mix** when the empathic person is effectively shifted off course (by the person in denial/lacking empathy) and ends up apologizing and feeling bad about all the accusations that seemingly came out of nowhere and really only served one purpose: To allow the person in denial to shift the focus off their own problematic behavior. Ugh. What a vicious (and convoluted) cycle! Something about this video just made all that click on a deeper level. Thank you, as always, Dr. M!
I am beginning to understand the crazy cycle! For too long I thought it was me! Then I started writing the craziness down so I could be look back at it! Unfortunately, I seen to have picked up the constant criticism and unhappiness that ensued!
This is such valuable information. Thank you Dr. Malkin. It seems so obvious in hindsight that this would be a serious serious red flag, but not at the time 🤦🏻♀️ Is the denial… the type of denial, where they’re simply being defensive ? ….as in….. they KNOW they’re wrong but too obstinate and egotistical to admit it? Or is their denial a genuine inability to see what’s real?? Is it possible to tell which is which? 🙏🌸
There’s primitive denial-truly believing a problem isn’t there-and the more defensive denial you’re describing. But either way, if they can’t acknowledge it to you, they’re unlikely to do anything about it.
@@CraigMalkin Thanks for clarifying. I completely agree. Both are harmful and damaging. I think if it’s the former, personally speaking, it’s even easier to walk away because it’s worse; they’re being devious and sinister.
Ok, what's "insecure attachment"? Is that all 3 attachment styles aside from secure, or is one of the 3 insecure styles more closely related to narcissism? Also, what do you mean by "danger" - do you mean a risk of physical violence or murder? Asking because my mom was for sure a narcissist, her mom was too (just figured all of this out after age 50) and I believe my brother is a malignant narc, ie worse than my mother, who was also manipulative - but my brother is extremely manipulative, highly abusive I could go on but the projecting he does is absolutely insane - I mean INSANE, he HAS to be in deep denial to project the way he does. His ex-wife (married less than 5 years) called him "mr projector" and used to accuse him of having no empathy. Funny how someone who comes in from outside the fishbowl, can see in less than 5 years, what it takes someone who is "in the fishbowl" 50 years to see, and not until irreperable damage has been done. Im not sure what my brother's attachment style is - I do know some of what he experienced because Im 4 years older than he is...but I id'd myself as "anxious avoidant" the first time I took a psych course. After refreshing my memory of attachment styles, I would guess his is "dismissive avoidant" mostly because it apparently displays passive aggression, which, along with projection, are almost his "superpowers" - they give him the power to completely mess your mind up and leave you thinking you're the problem. He even said that to me at one point, "if everyone around you is the problem, maybe you're the problem" - but everyone around me wasn't "the problem", he was just the common damn denominator and triangulator.
This is basically what I have been getting help with, as I came from a family of addiction and narcissism. As hard as it is, I had to make a choice for myself and get help thorough Al-Anon Family. Doctor, I'd like to seek out help from a therapist. Could you point me to the type of therapy that could be beneficial? Thank you!
Whoops, I meant to type denial also makes sense as as the cause of the some of the other characteristics of narcissism that you identify. It’s impossible to get through to a narcissist. Thanks.
This was so helpful. Learning the terminology provides me opportunity to talk it over with myself on a new level. A Holocaust survivor wrote, she stopped sharing her experiences as no one believed her. After 68 years of surviving a younger sibling's relentless social, financial, and career attacks, defamation, plus attempts on my life, and without hope for peace at 74, I've accepted the tri-weekly attacks of his hit-man as my life's personal affliction and count my blessings as there are so many suffering so much worse.
My ex lived on de Nile. But I had toxic optimism and kept my hopes up in the face of many years of denial. I wish I had heard this simple explanation decades ago instead of wasting my life on a total loser abuser! Sad!
Denial makes sense also of the other characteristics you identify / especially projection. Thanks for another helpful video. Keep ‘em coming!
You’re so welcome! Thanks for watching :-)
Denial , deflecting, dismissive, gaslighting, pathological lying, projecting, blame shifting, and never taking ownership or accountability
Are just the beginning of describing the numerous pathological antics of the malignant narcissist alcoholic I divorced.
I’m hearting this bc there’s no sending care/support option. I’m so sorry to hear about your suffering :-(
Denial enables them to live in an alternate reality. Substance abuse enables them to reinforce their commitment to that alternate reality. They are too cowardly to face the truth of who they are. I lived this nightmare for decades with my now ex. He has become completely self-centered and self indulgent in his fantasy world.
When denial is followed by lies ( even when the evidence is presented) then the age old question is," Do they believe their own lies? " They make their own reality and it keeps on shifting. They deny their own contradictory lies and positions. It is a kaleidoscope of confusion. Thank you for helping us in our efforts to anchor our understanding.
@Sylette Monroe Yes! All you have said is what I experienced, as well. Words are used as shields but also a sword.
Thank you as the ex wife of 24 yrs this has validated my own education in this realm.
I am powerless to change his many addictions but I try to gain insight in my own healing. Very helpful thank you.
So they pee the bed and blame the blanket-👍 thanks Doc
I have your book, rethinking. Appreciate this breakdown on the most problematic part of behaviors or styles of thinking. Working clinically as a psychologist in Norway, I find your insights very cool.💪
Thank you so much!
It’s evident a lot more world wide awareness is needed of this, including covert narcissism after the Johnny Depp trial. Millions and millions have got it wrong.
Great insight I really need to consider! But I think my problem is I can't seem to realize that my narc is as devious as he actually is! So I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt! 😖 So I guess I'm in denial!
Me: We have problems communicating. Him: What are you talking about? We communicate great!" And all the behaviours mentioned above followed...
thanks for this! happy to be seeing more videos from you
Again, thanks so so much for this!
My pleasure :-)
Thank you. This is brilliant.... 🥲
Wow! Thanks so much!
I know start trauma therapy Monday already in visual projection therapy and intensive therapy I have a pshcyatrist and I have been abused by a business owner whose ex spouse is a federal state government worker in process with 2nd attorney for s.s. d. and my new hearing is in 3 months. I beat that person at their game, but what is great about anyone being this evil people need too be reformed
Spoken like kernberg! Pervasive Primative denial.
Primitive-yes!
Repetition compulsion, from repetitive thoughts/behaviors, npd are perfect n do nothing wrong so they never learn.
they do not believe that b.s.
What really struck me while watching this video is the link between denial and empathy impairment in toxic relationships. For example…
If someone tells me that my behavior is hurtful to them, then I will apologize and change my behavior. It doesn’t matter if I thought I was just being funny or didn’t realize I was being hurtful. Empathy kicks in, I understand that I’ve caused distress, and I don’t want that person to feel distressed-ESPECIALLY not because of something I did or said.
But if a person is unable or unwilling to empathize with another person, then I imagine it’s easy to deny that other person’s feelings and experience, and thus deny that your behavior toward them is hurtful. Then, of course, denial of your own feelings that result in response to being confronted (shame, guilt, sadness, fear, etc.) would come in the form of blame shifting, anger, whataboutism, projection, etc.
**And then a whole other level of toxic gets added to the mix** when the empathic person is effectively shifted off course (by the person in denial/lacking empathy) and ends up apologizing and feeling bad about all the accusations that seemingly came out of nowhere and really only served one purpose: To allow the person in denial to shift the focus off their own problematic behavior.
Ugh. What a vicious (and convoluted) cycle!
Something about this video just made all that click on a deeper level. Thank you, as always, Dr. M!
Thank you for your thoughtful comments and I’m so glad you like the video!
I am beginning to understand the crazy cycle! For too long I thought it was me! Then I started writing the craziness down so I could be look back at it!
Unfortunately, I seen to have picked up the constant criticism and unhappiness that ensued!
Da Nile ain’t just a river in Egypt!
One of my favorite lines 🤣
This is such valuable information.
Thank you Dr. Malkin.
It seems so obvious in hindsight that this would be a serious serious red flag, but not at the time 🤦🏻♀️
Is the denial… the type of denial,
where they’re simply being defensive ?
….as in….. they KNOW they’re wrong but too obstinate and egotistical to admit it?
Or is their denial a genuine inability to see what’s real??
Is it possible to tell which is which?
🙏🌸
There’s primitive denial-truly believing a problem isn’t there-and the more defensive denial you’re describing. But either way, if they can’t acknowledge it to you, they’re unlikely to do anything about it.
@@CraigMalkin
Thanks for clarifying. I completely agree.
Both are harmful and damaging.
I think if it’s the former, personally speaking, it’s even easier to walk away because it’s worse; they’re being devious and sinister.
Another excellent red flag to watch for! 👍🏼
Ok, what's "insecure attachment"? Is that all 3 attachment styles aside from secure, or is one of the 3 insecure styles more closely related to narcissism? Also, what do you mean by "danger" - do you mean a risk of physical violence or murder? Asking because my mom was for sure a narcissist, her mom was too (just figured all of this out after age 50) and I believe my brother is a malignant narc, ie worse than my mother, who was also manipulative - but my brother is extremely manipulative, highly abusive I could go on but the projecting he does is absolutely insane - I mean INSANE, he HAS to be in deep denial to project the way he does. His ex-wife (married less than 5 years) called him "mr projector" and used to accuse him of having no empathy. Funny how someone who comes in from outside the fishbowl, can see in less than 5 years, what it takes someone who is "in the fishbowl" 50 years to see, and not until irreperable damage has been done.
Im not sure what my brother's attachment style is - I do know some of what he experienced because Im 4 years older than he is...but I id'd myself as "anxious avoidant" the first time I took a psych course. After refreshing my memory of attachment styles, I would guess his is "dismissive avoidant" mostly because it apparently displays passive aggression, which, along with projection, are almost his "superpowers" - they give him the power to completely mess your mind up and leave you thinking you're the problem. He even said that to me at one point, "if everyone around you is the problem, maybe you're the problem" - but everyone around me wasn't "the problem", he was just the common damn denominator and triangulator.
Thank you for this video, very helpful, expecially the denial, the denial and the lies, I need to search for you on youtube.
This is basically what I have been getting help with, as I came from a family of addiction and narcissism. As hard as it is, I had to make a choice for myself and get help thorough Al-Anon Family. Doctor, I'd like to seek out help from a therapist. Could you point me to the type of therapy that could be beneficial? Thank you!
Both my parents have denied everything that have done. I have depression anxiety and symptoms of PTSD since 2011….
You're a published author? Excellent. I'll have to look into that... 😊 Thanks again.
This was sooooo helpful, esp with someone well versed in psych.
Whoops, I meant to type denial also makes sense as as the cause of the some of the other characteristics of narcissism that you identify. It’s impossible to get through to a narcissist. Thanks.
This was so helpful. Learning the terminology provides me opportunity to talk it over with myself on a new level. A Holocaust survivor wrote, she stopped sharing her experiences as no one believed her. After 68 years of surviving a younger sibling's relentless social, financial, and career attacks, defamation, plus attempts on my life, and without hope for peace at 74, I've accepted the tri-weekly attacks of his hit-man as my life's personal affliction and count my blessings as there are so many suffering so much worse.
This is a VERY important presentation!!!!!
so scary.. if you experience it, but nobody believes you..
Thank you so much for this video. It is so helpful!
My ex lived on de Nile. But I had toxic optimism and kept my hopes up in the face of many years of denial. I wish I had heard this simple explanation decades ago instead of wasting my life on a total loser abuser! Sad!
🏃 Pᵣₒmₒˢᵐ
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