The 3 Biggest Dangers in a Narcissistic Relationship
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- Опубліковано 19 чер 2024
- 0:00 Intro
0:33 How do you recognize danger in a relationship?
1:32 The most-and least-important information to look for
2:37 What are the 3 stop signs?
The 3 Biggest Dangers in a Narcissistic Relationship
Regardless of the root cause, there are 3 simple signs that should alert you to whether or not you’re in a dangerously unhealthy relationship. In this video I explain the three stop signs- and how to recognize them.
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Thank you. Your videos (and book) are helping me to regain self-trust - in my judgement, discernment, boundaries. Very healing and empowering.
Thank you, Dr. Malkin, for saying that their abuse is not on the victim! SO many people say crap like "well, you stayed with him, you are still staying with him, etc." It is guilt, blame and shame, that they are laying on our doorstep. First of all, we have never heard of narcissism, so we don't understand that we are being manipulated, they have a false mask on while abusing, bread crumbing , gas lighting, etc. NO ONE in the right mind signs up for that!!! That's why this type of abuse is so damaging and insidious. They do it over a long time span (my case 26.5 years) and you just keep wondering what is going on with them? You know something isn't right, just can't place your finger on it. They of course, refuse to go to therapy. And then, they bread crumb you after abuse, and you just think, "okay, that was an anomaly," but it isn't. Who operates like these people? It's nonsensical to more healthy people. I didn't even know this NPD stuff existed!, let alone the other stuff my husband was diagnosed with. Well, I had heard of Bipolar I, but never antisocial PD, Histrionic PD, paranoia, and turbulent personality! Can someone really have all this going on? If they do, they aren't safe people. My husband showed all 3 of these STOP signs, last year. And it seemed out of the blue, but I guess I just missed or wrote off the red flags as a one off occurrence, or stress after he lost his job, or whatever. Like I said, before last year, I had ZERO knowledge of NPD or any other personality disorders! But after having said all of this, I still greatly appreciate you saying it is NOT the victims fault. I get sick of being blamed for something I had no control over and had no idea even existed!
Thank you for your comment. It was very accurate.
Me too. I didn't know what narcissism was.
In school, we learned about Down's syndrome. And that's about it. At least, that's all I can remember.
My children were diagnosed with autism or Aspenger's.
I started to research that, and discovered that I probably have it too.
But I made an additional discovery! That my wife is a narcissist!
I have been married to her for 12 years now. But the word narcissist came up... maybe 2 years ago? Before that, just like you, I didn't know what it was.
I always knew she was very controlling. I thought it was a power struggle, over who will be the head of our family.
And she attends various classes. Many, many. So many in fact, that I've lost count... I even coined a word for it: classoholism! Because she is addicted to it. She just can't stop. She will end one class, and immediately start another one, in its place. Every day of the week: Saturday, Sunday, and every working day of the week, just after work, she is off to her class. Something different, every day.
Going with me to the cinema? Not possible, she has class.
Celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary? Not possible. Class.
Our 11th? Not possible.
Our 12th? Same thing.
She just doesn't care about my needs. Only her needs matter.
It's the same in bed: I want something, no!
My whole life with her, except for the love bombing phase, before marriage, has been like that.
In me, she has a free taxi driver. Lives in my house, pays for nothing.
But when I want to go somewhere, like take a vacation with the kids, she is unable to come with us, because of some silly excuse... like "I can't come, I have to go to the swimming pool on Saturday."
Films like this one, on UA-cam, on narcissism, have explained so much to me. Now I understand why she is, the way she is.
And now that I understand it, I want to run away from her.
We have tried marriage coucelling several times. And I know that she doesn't want to change. She doesn't think there is something wrong with her. She thinks that this behavior is perfectly normal. Never reading bed time stories to her kids. Seldom helping with their homework. Cooking only on occasion. This, according to her, is normal behavior.
It is I, who must change! I must do more, so she can do less...
It's so frustrating. I tried a thousand ways to get through to her, they all failed. I've explained things over and over, to no avail.
It's hopeless, she won't change.
She believes that she is an excellent mother, because she buys sandwiches for her kids in the shop. When I do the same, she criticises me!
Everything I do, is bad in her eyes.
I can't remember when was the last time, she gave me a compliment...
27 years? Wow!
I don't think, I'll last another year with her.
This may be the most important video I’ve ever watched. I can’t thank you enough.
I could literally feel,
the widening of my eyes …and the breaking of my heart all at the same time.
Such a great reminder and one that is really necessary to begin healing. For me, i realized that, at the end of the day, I had to contend with those feelings of sadness and isolation. It felt lonely being in a relationship I couldn't count on and, of course, it made me feel less and less myself. I think that these personality disorders create that sense of aloneness and wanting to just feel connected. No one should have to feel that. Happy Thanksgiving, Doctor C. We're so grateful for you!
Educating myself really freed me in so many ways, and allowed me to heal. I also have found people who have been through the same thing. They are much better people to be around, honest, loving, and kind. We all agree to just let the toxic date the toxic, regardless. We are actually a much happier crowd.
As a human, I guess I might recognize denial and abuse. If patterns are more subtle. Most people seem to look away to avoid being involved, and those who try to raise awareness for the problem are easily portrayed as someone who points finger at others.
I am not sure if I am able to reliably recognize psychopathy. I have read Hare's books (without conscience and snakes in suits), but hardly I can affort (500$+) expensive PCL-training.
Thank you again. For your helpful videos!
If you ever run workshops on the emotional recovery from narc relationships - please advertise that online!
I was taken in by a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing - and since he of course denies any faults in himself, it is taking a long time for me to get clear on what our 16 year marriage was all about (or not).
The comments From your very large audience suggest that there’s a community that would benefit from workshop on recovery. I hope you’ll consider sponsoring one, whether in Cambridge or online.
Thank you for hearing the suggestion.
Hence my wife testing 82 on an MMPI2 for Psychopathy
Yes denial, yes physical and mental abuse 😢
What is the best way to heal from Narcissitic abuse after the break up and divorce? It was 20 long years of experiencing patterns of denial, gaslighting & rage that lead me, eventually, to a diagnosis of PTSD . Then 7 long years of trying every form of therapy, hoping to escape the sympyoms of Fear (ptsd or the takeover of the Parasympathetic System) that destroyed my sense of wellbeing... When I finally read about gaslighting, a huge piece of the puzzle fell into place and he began to plan an elaborate ruse that he would use to turn friends and even family members against me. It was just so diabolical that you come to realize just how lucky you are to have escaped with your life. I would love to learn what you feel is the most important steps to take to full recovery of all that is lost or damaged in surviving such a devastating relationship?
Please send your book to Dr steve Harris at the university of minnesota couples on the brink program. He teaches social work and counseling - and can benefit from your book/ and it’s introduction to the “ 3 stop signs”,no less The wider contours of NPD.
Without your insights- even experienced practitioners will mistake the symptoms of a depressed echoist partner as THE problem rather than the result/cost of the covert psychopathy of their NPD partner!
Invite Dr Harris to your next talk in minnesota!
Thank you for your work!!
very interesting !!! What do I do with having a husband like this?
Keep learning and you'll find your way. It's different for each of us.
Incredibly helpful video, Dr. Malkin. Thank you for ALL you do. 🙏
Thank you !
Thank you.
Thank you
Thank you Dr. Malkin for the great work you do with all of your content! I have question here, though. Does the degree matter? Psychopathy is such a strong word. What if someone is occasionally uncapable of compassion? Mostly, when you express a need or complain about something? Or, if they are not in complete denial? Actually, the answer is clear to me as I write this.
Can you please explain if someone physically, verbally, financially and emotionally abuses you and does show remorse and says their ashamed but continues to do the same thing over and over would they just be psychopaths but manipulative?
They are faking the remorse to manipulate regardless of the 'label' that's put on them. A genuine apology is followed by changed behaviour, not by repeating the same behaviour and telling the receiver what they think they want to hear to avoid accountability.
100 percent
What if it's a parent?
Leave people! They will break you then leave your ass for someone else!
It doesn't matter what level narcissist are on GET out! They dont care
😊
Thank you.