1. I wanted to move fast too, because I was 34 and desperately wanted a child and family life 2. True, I was naive. I did not know this kind of evil existed 3. Yes, I was not creating a reality based off his words, but was in my fantasy and my belief in my ability to manifest it 4. Ignored or made justification for red flags (crossed a clear boundary) 5. Yes. I felt like I must make this work. I took 100% responsibility. 6. I gave more and more to him and his needs and his reality instead of valuing my needs and my experience and boundaries 7. I misunderstood unconditional love and gave him unconditional tolerance instead. He took full advantage. 8. I tried to give him what he wanted according to his reality, thinking it might get better. 2.5 years free. Thank you Jesus ❤
13yrs for me. The last 7 was a battle, the last 3 is learning to separate. The last several months, creating disconnection. She also is an addict in a treatment facility now.
He literally told me he was the devil, he was evil, that everyone in his life told him so. My ego thought I could fix him in hindsight, focus on his issues instead of focusing on mine. I was the perfect prey
OMG, if I had only listened to him! The very first night I met him, he told me, "I'm a bad person...I've ruined a lot of lives..." It was right there in front of me. Thank you for this
Yeah they do tell on themselves ..but when we here it, we can't believe it because we can't marry in our mind what we are seeing the beginning Vs who they actually are. Maybe this is why they tell on themselves early....so we sweep it under the rug and in their mind it gives permission to push those boundaries.
OMG My wife of 25 years told me in the first month and so did her mum. She had Cloves of Garlic hanging next to her bed, I asked why, she told me her mum placed them to ward off evil spirits. She then said. "You don't think I am evil do you John?" In an almost teasing manner. I had a disagreement with her sister around the same time and it got blown out of proportion and should have been a red flag by the way everyone reacted. Her mum said to me. "You might be better off finding a nice catholic girl John." I look back and it feels so creepy now.
@@m.s.5775 probably because your family of origin taught you that was the worst thing to do! Taking care of your self first was the BIGGEST SIN according to my Mother's programming. This is where we get to unlearn that crappy ancestral pattern
@@m.s.5775 I know for me it was religious ideology. You’re a bad and selfish person if you help yourself first, help the poor (even if you’re poor yourself), be kind towards EVERYONE even if they’re shitty towards you (turn the other cheek). These are just a few examples but the chart topper is…..you were born a sinner. Spent many years trying to ‘be good’ in the eyes of God because apparently being born a sinner makes me a bad person. I’ve spent a good part of my life trying to prove my goodness and worth to ‘undo’ my sinful self. Totally set myself up to be narc food.
@@Moonbunny55 I would say that part of religion is misinterpreted. IMO you should put yourself at first place, but not combined with ignoring everybody else. Be kind to everyone even if they do bad to you does not mean, stay there, thank them and let them do it. It means don't turn into those people. Defend yourself or leave the situation, but don't become one of those people by attacking back, by being mean. Also (IMO) Adam and Eve committed the sin, the punishment was to them, and since according to religion, we come from Adam and Eve, we inherited the punishment (being mortal, pain at giving birth etc). I think, all religions are rather somewhat of a moral guidline to be used on yourself, meaning, you tell yourself what to do, not others.
About #8, being a detective can be about confiming what you already know when you are being lied to. Seeing what my partner was saying and doing was a real wakeup call.
I failed to listen and ended up in a 27 year marriage of hell. I went out with a guy who made a statement "that's a you problem, I have problems of my own". Someone with empathy would never say that. I would never say that. He also held a grudge against his daughter. I simply told him that we have different relationship values and I wish him well but I didn't think we were a good fit. Of course, he said let's see how things progress. I said " we need to part ways". Listen very carefully. Every word out of someone's mouth will tell you of they have empathy or not.
I realized a while ago that I'm so far gone the best relationship I can try to save is the one with myself. I don't even seek a partner anymore. I have become asexual out of necessity. At my age, there's just no time to take a year to get to know someone well enough to have a healthy relationship. It's an instant gratification society. As much as I agree with everything you talk about, it's just not the world we live in
Even though I’m very happy to not be in ANY relationship I still have to deal with those people who want to “talk me into it” basically and it’s a huge emotional toll. I start second guessing my decisions and feelings. I’ve still got work to do however at least I’m on the right track!
No. 5 I think occurs because we take too much responsibility for other people’s actions (people pleasing behaviour). In fact people-pleasers are often appealing to narcissistic people. We take too much responsibility, have loose boundaries, struggle to say no. It’s very sad.
I felt like I had to make things work because I assumed (my mistake) that everything that was happening in the relationship was my fault. This came from my childhood, as I thought other people’s behavior was my fault.
Always listen to your body. With the benefit of hindsight I can see that I felt somewhere inside that sth was off. I wasn't aware back then that I should have listened to my inner voice.
Being in the process of leaving a narc, I have to watch these video 3 times a day to stay strong. Remember that I am only a thing to serve his purpose! That’s very hard 😢
Just wanted to throw this out for everyone- I ended a relationship in the second month!!!!! After 3 narc nightmares that ate the better part of a decade! It hurt like hell until I reminded myself...it actually doesn't! It's not my fate. Or yours. We had our first argument and the way she handled conflict was super familiar. She made it about her immmediately, dodged accountability, totally gaslighted me, denied saying things she had said. All the things, all the things. I started getting that familiar feeling. She had had a minor legitimate issue with me a month before and I had apologized, taken ownership and repaired, as one does. When I saw she didn't have that capacity I was completely turned off, like, immediately. I asked, "am I meeting the real you?" I said, "I'm looking for something else. It's been great knowing you". It was that easy.
That’s a great feeling when we actually can “escape” early in the relationship because we are paying attention! I managed to escape after 2 weeks. He still doesn’t understand the concept of “NO”…& still calls and leaves messages and text saying all the things that “could” lure me back. But… as Richard says … If I have to constantly play detective it’s a waste of my emotional energy and spiritual growth and healing. Good for you that you saw it and got out! We can and DO GROW! Yeah!
I wanted to add to #3 he kept telling me how good he is. What a great guy he is. I started seeing how he treated other people beside me and it was ugly. When I told him I didn't want to see him anymore he flipped out. It was ugly. I'm getting good at walking away quickly! Thanks for your information 👍
This has got to be one of your very best videos. Thank you for being so clear & blunt about navigating adulthood relationships. Like a lot of codependents, I grew up being parentified by abusive, immature parents. As an adult, I came to realize in therapy that chronologically I was older, but psychologically I was still back there in adolescence. It's a game-changer when you are able to support yourself so that what was once having to tolerate abuse in order to keep a roof over your head, is now in the past & you create your own home.
I'm so glad you got out and are able to support yourself. I'm still stuck in a toxic environment and dealing with multiple chronic illnesses that prevent me from being able to support myself, illnesses which are worsened by the toxic environment. Waiting on social housing I know everything will change then. Pray for me!
Richard I hope you see my comment as I have a genuine question regarding your point seven. I’ve been surrounded by narcs most of my adult life. It is only now at 72 years of age that I realize how much damage I allowed these people to do to my life. Discovered this through the study of narcissim. I am also a practicing Christian. This is the question: when Bible states in Galatian’s 6:2 “Carry each others burdens, and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ” how do you reconcile this Biblical Scripture entirely with your point 7? It seems an oxymoron.
@@penny459 I’m not Richard but I’d like to offer my perspective and I hope it’s helpful. The clue is in “carry EACH OTHERS burdens…” and this points to mutual reception and caregiving. Narcissistic relationships are often one sided where you end up doing all the work and carrying all of the burden. You are not asked to be a martyr or in sacrifice but simply to give mutual respect and care to those who give it to you.
@@sonja7halcyon I have been meditating on your reply and it has given me some perspective. And I do appreciate. Yes it can be a very fine line sometimes in relationships, as to what is mutual caregiving and what is at other times outright abuse. Thank you for taking the time and care to reply to me.
@sonja7halcyon I just read your reply. I started off in a women's dv shelter, then a coworker & her family opened her house to us, (me & small son), then I rented a 1 bedroom apt & slept on the livingroom floor for 2.5 years. Had borrowed furniture lol. Then I bought a 2 bd/2 bath condo. Before all that, I was sick with anemia for 2 years re cancer surgery. Got the 2nd surgery, my health came back & I bailed. But, it took about 5 years to be able to go. I kept the plan in my head. It's been 30 years & I look back on it as a journey forward. Bottom line, you will leave when you are ready. Stay strong & move forward even at a snail's pace. You can do this - again, when you are ready & that is your power. 💕
They get so angry when you're not matching their frenetic pace of "falling" in love in the first month, before you've even had real chances to get to know them, and they you---wonderful though everything may seem. So angry, when you say you want to enjoy the ride and take things slowly or just let things unfold. Maybe you're told you're stubborn or that you're fighting them every step of the way (while they pressure you in small and sometimes big ways). They push and push, and they do it fast. They may feel hurt and dejected when you're not being as careless as they are. They may say that the two of you were meant to be together, and even though you may be feeling that and going with the natural flow of checks and balances, every time you start to naturally fall in love with them, another red flag pops up. Don't push yourself past where you feel safe, because the road back is dark and full of huge setbacks to any work you've done on yourself and any healthy patterns you've set up. They will balk and stiffen at the natural pace; they will feel that because they've been careless, they are at some kind of measured, quantifiable greater risk. This is why we *have* to take our time, and if someone cannot allow you to do this or cannot do it themself, RUN.
Richard, I know why I had to “make this relationship work” with the narcissist. It’s because I accepted a moral premise that good always wins, and I was on the good side. I was trying to not repeat the mistakes of my parents. Even though it was horrific, I stayed for my children (and they are all better people than their father.) And I knew when it was time to leave, and let the narcissist think it was his own idea. It being idolatry resonated with me. I just wish I understood these things from the first.
Ummm, I think I understand this dynamic now. The narcissist makes us fall in love, not with themselves, but their idealized version of ourselves. That’s why we wonder at “how he makes me feel.” We’re making a contract to stay this perfect person that they desire us to be.
I've been no contact for a good minute. Trying to fight the urge to reach out everyday is rough. To those going through healing. I love you. And I hope you find balance again
And I have always been moved so quickly in these relationships. They move fast to get you in. Please slow down whenever you meet anyone. If they can't take the word no, RUN!
I have put other peoples needs first. their problems were my problems. and always looking for the good in people were there wasn't any. My husband totally washed the floor with me because of this. 💔💔💔
I have done all of these things in the past and been in 4 narc relationships. In the last one my reality became really warped. I needed one night away from the narc for space. I told the narc and apparently he decided I was probably cheating on that night and he ended the relationship. He was super paranoid about everything and everyone. I needed that step back time. In response I got silent treatment and was told any time I stepped out of line it would happened again - silent treatment or raging. The ex was deeply toxic and I was beginning to lose my marbles. I am glad I stepped back as it ended everything and showed me how insanely controlling he was. One year out I am still dealing with the CPTSD.
omg - i did that: recording conversations and re-listen to see if i was understanding it all wrong because reality was so questioned to the point where i no longer trusted myself.
I think another point that I definitely ignored is that he would tell me all the time that "he just wants to be a good person." and that "women are selfish." If you actually are a good person- you don't have to tell someone that. It comes out of you naturally.
My mother believed in the merging of two people in marriage. It's what I was trying to live as well. Co-dependency means you can lose yourself and fade. The last 10 years of her life, she started to remember who she had been before marriage. Better late than never. Your videos are straightforward without unnecessary psychologist's prancing!
Oh, that telling on themselves is a MASSIVE red flag. My last two relationships were with men who told me "I'm an asshole." I thought they were being funny and candid as in sometimes they can be jerks. Oh no, they were cruel assholes and lived down to everything that it implies. When they tell you who they are, believe them and RUN!
Mistake #3.. He told me straight up in the beginning that he is an awful person that discards people easily and gets immediately turned off when someone he's interested in does something "wrong" and that he self-sabotages relationships. I didn't listen. I was also expected to make all of the sacrifice and wait for when he was ready. Most intense 3 months of my life. But proud of myself for being able to go no contact as soon as I learned the love bombing was part of an even bigger picture. Thanks to videos like yours. ❤
I tried to pull back to get some space to reflect and he wouldn't allow me to. He would bombard me with his needs and insecurities and call and message repeatedly. In the end, that is a big part of what drove me away. It is abuse to not allow someone to have time and space BY themselves to BE themselves. He tried to swallow me up and I fought against it as much as I could. But in the end I have realised that for him it's all or nothing. He wanted all, I choose nothing.
Yes! Yes! Yes! I’ve been happily single for soo long because I’m aware of these things…people tell you who they are, I’m not abusing myself sooo not letting anyone ever again…a brick wall is a wall…remember yourself..be good to yourself!!
I swear there is a code of conduct they adhere to. 1. You must lean into them they will not chase you at the start or after a breakup. Only lure you back towards them. It has to be your fault. 2. They must warn you. 3. You need to Sin to trigger good to bad (abuse cycle). 4. They know when you have fully individuated from them. And the abuse stops.
I made all of these mistakes. Got married at 17 years old. Woke up a few years ago after 38 years of marriage. I can see it but CPTSD, trauma bond and multiple TBI's. I can't seem to find myself again.
I'm so glad I found this channel. All I can say is that, yep, I did all eight of these things. I've become deeply entwined with a fragile narcissist. She's my ex, but the real estate situation here in Vermont is so desperate I wound up having to rent rooms from her in a house she owns. It has been such a nonstop nightmare that I recently had to go the hospital because I was having such terrible suicidal ideation. I'm doing better now, but only because I went on medication. I'm a student of psychology myself, working on my master's degree in forensics, and Ive been in therapy for years. This really almost killed me, and only recently did I realize that that wouldn't even bother her that much. It might, indeed, even be what she wants. Anyway, God or the algorithm brought me to you and I'm glad It did. Wish I could afford your full course. What's important is that I know that no matter what I have to get out of this. Your words have given me more insight, and possibly greater strength, to do that. Thank you. Cheerio (lol)
Thank you so much. Still disentangling and setting boundaries. #7. You must put yourself first and religious views. Now in retrospect, if someone put the narc first, as a Christian, that was not honoring themselves as a child of God. And this relationship became my life's project, I felt a moral/intellectual challenge to try harder and harder until, drumroll, the next discard! I'm now focused on healing. Thank you again. This video really helped.
That’s powerful. “I made this relationship my life’s project..” (or something along those lines) … that’s not honoring our God or our moral values. I wish I’d had these insights as a young woman. Thx for your comment
Made all these mistakes, from blaming the other person, crying why this happened to me etc.. I have started to. Understand myself more, observe and mend my habits and mistakes. I didn't come from a family or environment where we learnt these things, all girls school, naive, introverted and always into books and dreams... looking for that person. I have matured real fast after the breakup ..lol
Omg you are so right!!! Number 3 really got me! He told me EXACTLY who he was and what he was capable of! I was the exception though. That was ALL I heard! I was somehow so special he would be different with me! I am so sick to death of all this time I have wasted!
Yup. I made all those mistakes. Every dam one. …. Twice. For many years each time. Still digging my self out of that last hole. It is really weird and quite uncomfortable that a stranger on the other side of the planet seems to know and understands my experiences and myself better than I do. 😳😳 Are we all just living the same dam life with only varying details? Maybe it really is just a “matrix” 😳😳🤔🤔🤣🤣🤣🤪🤷🏻♀️ Thanks for your time and thoughts Richard. ❤️☯️☮️🖖🦋
This video is THE most insightful, valuable and essential advice any human can have. I wish you could provide this to high schools, colleges and many other places so others can have this as a measure in their lives. Many people need to hear this message before they allow themselves to have toxic people in their life. Your testimony is extremely compelling!
I grew up when Punk’d was a popular show w/ Ashton Kutcher. A celebrity would be filmed while an insane situation played out while EVERYONE else acted as though nothing was amiss. The celebrity would ultimate look around with a look of “is this real life…am I really misinterpreting reality and this is normal?” I remember every interaction with my husband would lead me to think of those moments…unfortunately, still in it, but I now know I am not insane.
Everything you said just makes so much sense now that my relationship totally altered my reality. Thankfully I kicked him out and I’m at this weird grieving stage. Your videos are so educational I can clearly see how manipulated and codependent I was.
I like that about moral philosophy and not permitting bad. New guy pursuing me demonstrated behaviour I didn’t care for towards another person, and I was mad and disgusted, but then made excuses the first time, but now I am ashamed I did. This is a long rant lol nice to get it off my chest still mad and thank you I thought so too. No more compromising my values EVER again.
Great video - I like how this is more like - watch yourself. There is something effective you can do. Identifying red flags doesn't always lead to self control. Knowing your own mistakes is effective.
Excellent video. If only I’d seen this years ago when I got into the relationship. Sometimes you have to go through someone’s phone to find out the full horror of how you’ve been betrayed. Foolishly I still let him stay. I can’t believe how stupid I was!
Yes I thought I had to hang in there and transform the situation. That led me to almost getting strangled. I saw signs very early but didn't trust my intuition.
Stocks are pretty unstable at the moment, but if you do the right math, you should be just fine. Bloomberg and other finance media have been recording cases of folks gaining over 250k just in a matter of weeks/couple months, so I think there are alot of wealth transfer in this downtime if you know where to look..
@EmilioYepez7 Such market uncertainties are the reason I don’t base my market judgements and decisions on rumours and here-says, got the best of me 2020 and had me holding worthless position in the market, I had to revamp my entire portfolio through the aid of an advisor, before I started seeing any significant results happens in my portfolio, been using the same advisor and I’ve scaled up 750k within 2 years,
@EmilioYepez7 Having a counselor is essential for portfolio diversification. My advisor ASHLEY AIRAGAHI who is easily searchable and has extensive knowledge of the financial markets.
Thank you for your wise words. After time past after my relationship. I realised that I was playing by somebody's else's rules and shifting goalposts. Also a fast shifting in feeling for me as a person. Hard lessons learned. But i am grateful.
Perfect video Richard. Thank you. Last time narcissist spoke badly about herserlf - she mentioned people in her close circle were saying bad things about her and she was quite open about it. Maybe they expect this will be somehow overlooked when they cover it up with love/sexbombing . One allways has to consider that this people were saying actually the truth, not badmouthing the narcissist . Overlooking this things being bombed with attention is very harming ...
You are the best Richard. I am not in a relationship that involves this degree of vigilance at this time...and am appreciative of the reminders of why I don't have to be.
I have to say 100% agree with you Richard and I am relates with entire 8 mistakes in correlation with clause effect inherit from my family's way. There's always be the bright side of every lessons and I am blessed to get through 42 years with gratitude and hopefully living my life with more balance, confident and content, better than yesterdays. Thank you very much. Stay blessed and healthy to you, your family, crew and loved ones.
My father was abusive, emotionally and physically. I didn't know then I had adhd/autism. I was repeatedly told to be quiet, don't cause a scene, abuse was rationalised to ..its your fault you did this. Then I ended up in my adulthood picking men who did the same. I 2 relationships with possible Narcs. One married and co-parenting with. I decided no dating, therapy and figure out what on earth was happening. I was repeating patterns, I had no bounderies which has made co-parenting horrific!! After 2 yrs of therapy I'm now listening to my gut, I'm establishing bounderies (which he hates) and I'm standing my ground. I feel like I'm gaining my power back. I'd love for you to do a talk with a survivor who is neurospicy, from trauma background to let others know it's not just you. That those are not alone. I'm now going to court to get stricture in place, I'm asking they send my ex to autism training as our son has Autism and their relationship is stressful leading to high anxiety when he goes to dad's. Thankfully a DV charity is arranging therapy for my son.
Why do we invest more into toxic relationships and people? I think at some point in our lives, our parents, guardians, or teachers told us or showed us that we were unlovable, and we believed them. So, when others become abusive, rather than blaming the person who was abusive for the abuse, we blame ourselves. Therefore, we then strive to regain the regard of that abusive person, rather than accepting that this person is abusive, hurtful, deceptive, and thus, not the person whom we had thought they were, or who they had told us they were.
One of the conflicting things though.. I have great boundaries with friends, colleagues, acquaintances etc. I could spot a user in a friend circle in a heartbeat. Romantic partners… Nope. My ex at the start told me “I can’t keep a boyfriend, they all run away!” Like fuck me… I can remember at the time thinking… “you’ve got this big lad!” 😂😂😂 How wrong was I? I remember every single red flag though, I remember every gut feeling. I watched every red flag fall. In the end it’s what saves you. It channels the correct emotion… anger. Distain, disgust… just nope. Anger is the foundation of our recovery. Let each indiscretion be a brick of anger. It’s the only way to regain self worth is to be able to allow yourself to be angry, controlled, capable and honest about the relationship.
Thanks for making this. I do believe that you are a trustworthy person, because you believe that Evil does things for a reason. You assume that what they do makes sense. Real evil will destroy just for kicks. They're not doing it to get sex, or avoiding responsibility. Sometimes they will, sure. Genuinely evil people (and they do exist) will destroy just for the sake and pleasure of destroying. Kind people normally can't wrap their head around that level of malice.
I always thought putting myself first was narcissistic. I still do but nothing like I use to . My last narcissistic abusive relationship was many years ago now. It was very very nasty and scary. I had 3 children and was threatened if he couldn’t have me no one would. I ended up with severe ptsd , anxiety, depression. I was terrified of leaving yet eventually planned and escaped with 2 children when he went out. My heart I thought was going to explode. All the red flags were there looking back now. Narcissistic abuse wasn’t heard of back then .I should of listened to my gut instinct. My mother was very strict until I left home at 21. I loved my mother however I never felt loved by her. My father left my step father wax abusive. So I felt like nothing .I’m much older now and never will I be in another relationship. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life. I wish all this information has been around so many years ago. I’m ok now. I see a phycologist who’s very good. I feel I will always struggle. I made my bed I lay in it as my mother would say. A couple of my siblings were abusive to me as well . I hated it. I was a people pleaser . Narcissistic abuse is horrific. Plan ahead and leave. . It’s not your fault . Everyone deserves to feel safe and contented. Jmo I’m no expert .
The world puts little value on transparency! The truth easily offends , as its exclusive , absolute , unyeilding ! Spoke with a broadcaster today , i commented , so your aware you are putting a spin on reality ? Without missing a beat , he replied proudly , there you go !
Wow... I have made all of these mistakes. I should print this list and put on my wall with a STOP sign! 🛑🚫⛔ I was so stupid and naive. I felt horrible, like a detective. I had a strong, inside feeling that I have to control him to get him faithful, otherwise he would be cheating on me. And despite of that he was cheating on me... This is so hurtful. 😢
Richard, I’ve been watching your content for some time now and found this to be one of your best videos ever. Great job brother! All the best to you for doing such helpful & pertinent content. 👍👍
Just thank you, i have been in that wanting to be christ-like phase with friends and the recent narc i was engaded to, and now i see how bad that is to me and to everyone around me, i think i picked it up gradually since i was a child, since im the eldest and since my dad kept guilting me for wanting things for myself sometimes and not sharing with the family every single time, and in university i was strongly affected by a well intentioned religious teacher, he used to talk about morals and high values and it was all good but it makes you feel like you're never good enough (because we are human and not perfect), i learned so much from him and it saved me many times but in the end he was not perfect as well and i was prone to get affected by that perfectionasim in being a person of morals.
Hey my wife has put me to watch this videos I’m a counselor to many, others consider me a good guy, I work hard; take care of my kids and pay for all the bills; but accordingly to my wife I’m a narcissist and I should learn from you; today I actually had 2 other guys ,call me saying that their wife also think they are narcissist, I kid you not, this literally happened, I don’t have a problem talking to you and become a better person, to me it will be a blessing maybe I’m not seeing something I should see.
Thank you Richard. Just thank you for all this information you are putting out. I have to say that watching your videos over the last couple of weeks has given me so much awareness and through this new perspective and level of understand I have healed more then I can explain. I am finally able to let go and see hope and take my power back and start rebuilding my life. What you share is so on point. Coming out of a 17 year relationship with a narcissist, I have been stuck in a state of over-analysis and rumination and second guessing everything I do and say, too scared to share an opinion or an emotion out of fear that it might be perceived as "crazy." My mind has been fragmented for so long I imagine the grieving process might still take some time to piece everything back together but at least I have hope that I will be able to move on and find peace and silence the inner critic. We share 3 kids and he still tries to use them as a way to elicit a response from me. I have been hanging onto a naive belief that he would eventually let go of resentment and stop being so childish and that we could one day co-parent amicablely, but after 2 years I'm finally letting go of hope and I now realise that he just doesn't have the capacity. Thank you for guiding me to that realisation and for giving me hope that I will be able to break the trauma bond and maybe one day find someone who will see me and love me for me.
Thank you for your ongoing drive to educate and empower survivors. The information you share has been crucial for me to finally make sense of my lifelong experiences. I was aware of the presence of multigenerational family abuse and trauma patterns, but really learning about the particular narcissistic elements of it, and how mislead my ‘compassion’ with the perpetrators was, has been a turning point on my healing journey. I can’t thank you enough. I have just started one of your online courses and for the first time feel hopeful. 🙏
No. 5. "I have to make this work." We all do this and I believe this again stems from childhood trauma. As a helpless child who cannot take care of themselves your survival depends on your caregivers. When they are abusive to you, you have no choice but to think "I have to make this work." You have no choice. The reality is too painful for our little bodies so really what we do is dissociate and split off from ourselves, enter into fantasy and do some mental gymnastics to explain away the nasty behaviours because "they MUST love us" and that's how we make it work. We begin obsessing about all the different ways we can gain their approval and be the best of ourselves and be loved by them. We focus on what we can change about ourselves so that we will be loved because we cannot face the reality that our parents are evil. When we don't heal this, we repeat it in adult relationships. We can't see the evil in them because we're so focused on trying to figure out what is wrong with us. I saw a meme on FB 18 years ago "Before you start diagnosing yourself with depression, first make sure you're not surrounded by assholes." It made sense to me at the time yet it still took 18yrs of bulshit new age therapies, spiritual bypass, psychiatric diagnoses and then finally 4 years of proper trauma therapy to take that quote fully onboard as my reality. Usually there is actually nothing wrong with you you've just been raised by assholes who made you believe you're the problem, and because that was your default wiring you continued to surround yourself with assholes into adulthood because it you equated "love" and "safety" with abuse as a child.
Thank you Richard lm over it now you help me so much when l was going through a verry bad time 2 years ago and Richard you look a lot beter you should be so proud of what you have done with your life god bless you ❤
Thanks for sharing 🙏🏻 through your channel you are helping me understand narcissistic abuse and I am able to move forward. I keep having these moments of “I wasn’t crazy!”. I was terrorised, Physically and emotionally and I had no idea why I stayed. Even when I was in it, I begged myself “why won’t you leave?”.. It’s not always that simple. I did it in the end and it was an absolute mess. I don’t know which of us actually ended it because it was so on/off/on/off but I certainly felt discarded in the end
1. I wanted to move fast too, because I was 34 and desperately wanted a child and family life
2. True, I was naive. I did not know this kind of evil existed
3. Yes, I was not creating a reality based off his words, but was in my fantasy and my belief in my ability to manifest it
4. Ignored or made justification for red flags (crossed a clear boundary)
5. Yes. I felt like I must make this work. I took 100% responsibility.
6. I gave more and more to him and his needs and his reality instead of valuing my needs and my experience and boundaries
7. I misunderstood unconditional love and gave him unconditional tolerance instead. He took full advantage.
8. I tried to give him what he wanted according to his reality, thinking it might get better.
2.5 years free. Thank you Jesus ❤
"I have to make this relationship work" is exactly what happened to me and now 15 years later I am divorcing my wife, finally, and for good.
13yrs for me. The last 7 was a battle, the last 3 is learning to separate. The last several months, creating disconnection. She also is an addict in a treatment facility now.
30 years for me. I disregarded the Memo 😂
Same here! And she would do anything to guilt me for not doing enough.
@@damonw2286 can never do enough for these insatiable entities.
For me it was 20 yrs... Now I'm divorcing her but still hoping that she will be fixed somehow... Stupid me...
He literally told me he was the devil, he was evil, that everyone in his life told him so. My ego thought I could fix him in hindsight, focus on his issues instead of focusing on mine. I was the perfect prey
OMG, if I had only listened to him! The very first night I met him, he told me, "I'm a bad person...I've ruined a lot of lives..." It was right there in front of me. Thank you for this
Yeah they do tell on themselves ..but when we here it, we can't believe it because we can't marry in our mind what we are seeing the beginning Vs who they actually are. Maybe this is why they tell on themselves early....so we sweep it under the rug and in their mind it gives permission to push those boundaries.
I was 5-6 months pregnant, during an argument, he told me he was sick in the head... Almost 3 years in..
I believe him.
I made all those mistakes. Now I'm one year of "no contact" and starting to heal. Thanks for your clear explanation, it really helps.
OMG My wife of 25 years told me in the first month and so did her mum.
She had Cloves of Garlic hanging next to her bed, I asked why, she told me her mum placed them to ward off evil spirits. She then said. "You don't think I am evil do you John?" In an almost teasing manner. I had a disagreement with her sister around the same time and it got blown out of proportion and should have been a red flag by the way everyone reacted. Her mum said to me. "You might be better off finding a nice catholic girl John." I look back and it feels so creepy now.
I walked away from a relationship like this because I decided to put myself first 💞
Why is so challenging to put myself first!!?? 😢ugh
@@m.s.5775 probably because your family of origin taught you that was the worst thing to do! Taking care of your self first was the BIGGEST SIN according to my Mother's programming. This is where we get to unlearn that crappy ancestral pattern
@@m.s.5775
I know for me it was religious ideology. You’re a bad and selfish person if you help yourself first, help the poor (even if you’re poor yourself), be kind towards EVERYONE even if they’re shitty towards you (turn the other cheek). These are just a few examples but the chart topper is…..you were born a sinner.
Spent many years trying to ‘be good’ in the eyes of God because apparently being born a sinner makes me a bad person. I’ve spent a good part of my life trying to prove my goodness and worth to ‘undo’ my sinful self.
Totally set myself up to be narc food.
@@Moonbunny55 I would say that part of religion is misinterpreted. IMO you should put yourself at first place, but not combined with ignoring everybody else. Be kind to everyone even if they do bad to you does not mean, stay there, thank them and let them do it. It means don't turn into those people. Defend yourself or leave the situation, but don't become one of those people by attacking back, by being mean. Also (IMO) Adam and Eve committed the sin, the punishment was to them, and since according to religion, we come from Adam and Eve, we inherited the punishment (being mortal, pain at giving birth etc). I think, all religions are rather somewhat of a moral guidline to be used on yourself, meaning, you tell yourself what to do, not others.
About #8, being a detective can be about confiming what you already know when you are being lied to. Seeing what my partner was saying and doing was a real wakeup call.
I failed to listen and ended up in a 27 year marriage of hell. I went out with a guy who made a statement "that's a you problem, I have problems of my own". Someone with empathy would never say that. I would never say that. He also held a grudge against his daughter. I simply told him that we have different relationship values and I wish him well but I didn't think we were a good fit. Of course, he said let's see how things progress. I said " we need to part ways". Listen very carefully. Every word out of someone's mouth will tell you of they have empathy or not.
Narc graduation trophy for Dana!!!!
Yikes! “That’s a YOU PROBLEM…”
Holy Crap!
@@lynylcullen8370Dont laugh I copped the comment thats not my problem ,thats yours
I realized a while ago that I'm so far gone the best relationship I can try to save is the one with myself. I don't even seek a partner anymore. I have become asexual out of necessity. At my age, there's just no time to take a year to get to know someone well enough to have a healthy relationship. It's an instant gratification society. As much as I agree with everything you talk about, it's just not the world we live in
Even though I’m very happy to not be in ANY relationship I still have to deal with those people who want to “talk me into it” basically and it’s a huge emotional toll.
I start second guessing my decisions and feelings.
I’ve still got work to do however at least I’m on the right track!
You wrote exactly how I feel.
No. 5 I think occurs because we take too much responsibility for other people’s actions (people pleasing behaviour). In fact people-pleasers are often appealing to narcissistic people. We take too much responsibility, have loose boundaries, struggle to say no. It’s very sad.
You are describing codependence, which is what Richard’s courses help you overcome. I can’t recommend his courses highly enough. He genuinely helps.
@@johannagrace7768 for sure. It’s also a people-pleasing characteristic. A lot of crossover 🙂
I felt like I had to make things work because I assumed (my mistake) that everything that was happening in the relationship was my fault. This came from my childhood, as I thought other people’s behavior was my fault.
Always listen to your body.
With the benefit of hindsight I can see that I felt somewhere inside that sth was off. I wasn't aware back then that I should have listened to my inner voice.
This might be the single most powerful tool we can learn
Being in the process of leaving a narc, I have to watch these video 3 times a day to stay strong. Remember that I am only a thing to serve his purpose! That’s very hard 😢
Just wanted to throw this out for everyone- I ended a relationship in the second month!!!!! After 3 narc nightmares that ate the better part of a decade! It hurt like hell until I reminded myself...it actually doesn't! It's not my fate. Or yours.
We had our first argument and the way she handled conflict was super familiar. She made it about her immmediately, dodged accountability, totally gaslighted me, denied saying things she had said. All the things, all the things. I started getting that familiar feeling. She had had a minor legitimate issue with me a month before and I had apologized, taken ownership and repaired, as one does. When I saw she didn't have that capacity I was completely turned off, like, immediately.
I asked, "am I meeting the real you?" I said, "I'm looking for something else. It's been great knowing you".
It was that easy.
That’s a great feeling when we actually can “escape” early in the relationship because we are paying attention!
I managed to escape after 2 weeks.
He still doesn’t understand the concept of “NO”…& still calls and leaves messages and text saying all the things that “could” lure me back.
But… as Richard says … If I have to constantly play detective it’s a waste of my emotional energy and spiritual growth and healing.
Good for you that you saw it and got out!
We can and DO GROW! Yeah!
@lynylcullen8370 would not have happened without Richard and the people like you that make this community.
I wanted to add to #3 he kept telling me how good he is. What a great guy he is. I started seeing how he treated other people beside me and it was ugly. When I told him I didn't want to see him anymore he flipped out. It was ugly. I'm getting good at walking away quickly! Thanks for your information 👍
I've learned that the only "men" who say they are "good" are the worst ones. Good men don't tell, they show you.
This has got to be one of your very best videos.
Thank you for being so clear & blunt about navigating adulthood relationships.
Like a lot of codependents, I grew up being parentified by abusive, immature parents.
As an adult, I came to realize in therapy that chronologically I was older, but psychologically I was still back there in adolescence.
It's a game-changer when you are able to support yourself so that what was once having to tolerate abuse in order to keep a roof over your head, is now in the past & you create your own home.
I'm so glad you got out and are able to support yourself. I'm still stuck in a toxic environment and dealing with multiple chronic illnesses that prevent me from being able to support myself, illnesses which are worsened by the toxic environment. Waiting on social housing I know everything will change then. Pray for me!
Richard I hope you see my comment as I have a genuine question regarding your point seven. I’ve been surrounded by narcs most of my adult life. It is only now at 72 years of age that I realize how much damage I allowed these people to do to my life. Discovered this through the study of narcissim. I am also a practicing Christian. This is the question: when Bible states in Galatian’s 6:2 “Carry each others burdens, and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ” how do you reconcile this Biblical Scripture entirely with your point 7? It seems an oxymoron.
@@penny459 I’m not Richard but I’d like to offer my perspective and I hope it’s helpful. The clue is in “carry EACH OTHERS burdens…” and this points to mutual reception and caregiving. Narcissistic relationships are often one sided where you end up doing all the work and carrying all of the burden. You are not asked to be a martyr or in sacrifice but simply to give mutual respect and care to those who give it to you.
@@sonja7halcyon I have been meditating on your reply and it has given me some perspective. And I do appreciate. Yes it can be a very fine line sometimes in relationships, as to what is mutual caregiving and what is at other times outright abuse. Thank you for taking the time and care to reply to me.
@sonja7halcyon I just read your reply.
I started off in a women's dv shelter, then a coworker & her family opened her house to us, (me & small son), then I rented a 1 bedroom apt & slept on the livingroom floor for 2.5 years.
Had borrowed furniture lol.
Then I bought a 2 bd/2 bath condo.
Before all that, I was sick with anemia for 2 years re cancer surgery.
Got the 2nd surgery, my health came back & I bailed.
But, it took about 5 years to be able to go.
I kept the plan in my head.
It's been 30 years & I look back on it as a journey forward.
Bottom line, you will leave when you are ready.
Stay strong & move forward even at a snail's pace.
You can do this - again, when you are ready & that is your power. 💕
They get so angry when you're not matching their frenetic pace of "falling" in love in the first month, before you've even had real chances to get to know them, and they you---wonderful though everything may seem. So angry, when you say you want to enjoy the ride and take things slowly or just let things unfold. Maybe you're told you're stubborn or that you're fighting them every step of the way (while they pressure you in small and sometimes big ways). They push and push, and they do it fast. They may feel hurt and dejected when you're not being as careless as they are. They may say that the two of you were meant to be together, and even though you may be feeling that and going with the natural flow of checks and balances, every time you start to naturally fall in love with them, another red flag pops up. Don't push yourself past where you feel safe, because the road back is dark and full of huge setbacks to any work you've done on yourself and any healthy patterns you've set up. They will balk and stiffen at the natural pace; they will feel that because they've been careless, they are at some kind of measured, quantifiable greater risk. This is why we *have* to take our time, and if someone cannot allow you to do this or cannot do it themself, RUN.
Richard, I know why I had to “make this relationship work” with the narcissist. It’s because I accepted a moral premise that good always wins, and I was on the good side. I was trying to not repeat the mistakes of my parents. Even though it was horrific, I stayed for my children (and they are all better people than their father.) And I knew when it was time to leave, and let the narcissist think it was his own idea. It being idolatry resonated with me. I just wish I understood these things from the first.
Ummm, I think I understand this dynamic now. The narcissist makes us fall in love, not with themselves, but their idealized version of ourselves. That’s why we wonder at “how he makes me feel.” We’re making a contract to stay this perfect person that they desire us to be.
I've been no contact for a good minute.
Trying to fight the urge to reach out everyday is rough.
To those going through healing. I love you. And I hope you find balance again
I brought it all on my self, and never should have even given him the time of day.
How about, "I'm a good liar." That relationship didn't last long.🤣
And I have always been moved so quickly in these relationships. They move fast to get you in. Please slow down whenever you meet anyone. If they can't take the word no, RUN!
I have put other peoples needs first. their problems were my problems. and always looking for the good in people were there wasn't any. My husband totally washed the floor with me because of this. 💔💔💔
I have done all of these things in the past and been in 4 narc relationships. In the last one my reality became really warped. I needed one night away from the narc for space. I told the narc and apparently he decided I was probably cheating on that night and he ended the relationship. He was super paranoid about everything and everyone. I needed that step back time. In response I got silent treatment and was told any time I stepped out of line it would happened again - silent treatment or raging. The ex was deeply toxic and I was beginning to lose my marbles. I am glad I stepped back as it ended everything and showed me how insanely controlling he was. One year out I am still dealing with the CPTSD.
Four years I’ve listened to you daily.
This is the realest and healthiest, non existent toxic af relationship I’ve ever had 😳🤣🤣🤣🤣
Thanks “buddy” 😂😂❤🖖
We luff Richard! 😁
omg - i did that: recording conversations and re-listen to see if i was understanding it all wrong because reality was so questioned to the point where i no longer trusted myself.
"I have to make this work." Agreed.
I think another point that I definitely ignored is that he would tell me all the time that "he just wants to be a good person." and that "women are selfish."
If you actually are a good person- you don't have to tell someone that. It comes out of you naturally.
My mother believed in the merging of two people in marriage. It's what I was trying to live as well. Co-dependency means you can lose yourself and fade. The last 10 years of her life, she started to remember who she had been before marriage. Better late than never. Your videos are straightforward without unnecessary psychologist's prancing!
Oh, that telling on themselves is a MASSIVE red flag. My last two relationships were with men who told me "I'm an asshole." I thought they were being funny and candid as in sometimes they can be jerks. Oh no, they were cruel assholes and lived down to everything that it implies. When they tell you who they are, believe them and RUN!
Mistake #3.. He told me straight up in the beginning that he is an awful person that discards people easily and gets immediately turned off when someone he's interested in does something "wrong" and that he self-sabotages relationships. I didn't listen. I was also expected to make all of the sacrifice and wait for when he was ready. Most intense 3 months of my life. But proud of myself for being able to go no contact as soon as I learned the love bombing was part of an even bigger picture. Thanks to videos like yours. ❤
I tried to pull back to get some space to reflect and he wouldn't allow me to.
He would bombard me with his needs and insecurities and call and message repeatedly.
In the end, that is a big part of what drove me away.
It is abuse to not allow someone to have time and space BY themselves to BE themselves.
He tried to swallow me up and I fought against it as much as I could.
But in the end I have realised that for him it's all or nothing.
He wanted all, I choose nothing.
Yes! Yes! Yes! I’ve been happily single for soo long because I’m aware of these things…people tell you who they are, I’m not abusing myself sooo not letting anyone ever again…a brick wall is a wall…remember yourself..be good to yourself!!
I swear there is a code of conduct they adhere to.
1. You must lean into them they will not chase you at the start or after a breakup. Only lure you back towards them. It has to be your fault.
2. They must warn you.
3. You need to Sin to trigger good to bad (abuse cycle).
4. They know when you have fully individuated from them. And the abuse stops.
I made all of these mistakes. Got married at 17 years old. Woke up a few years ago after 38 years of marriage. I can see it but CPTSD, trauma bond and multiple TBI's. I can't seem to find myself again.
their out to distroy you like thier abuser did them
I know it really sucks.
I'm so glad I found this channel. All I can say is that, yep, I did all eight of these things. I've become deeply entwined with a fragile narcissist. She's my ex, but the real estate situation here in Vermont is so desperate I wound up having to rent rooms from her in a house she owns. It has been such a nonstop nightmare that I recently had to go the hospital because I was having such terrible suicidal ideation. I'm doing better now, but only because I went on medication. I'm a student of psychology myself, working on my master's degree in forensics, and Ive been in therapy for years. This really almost killed me, and only recently did I realize that that wouldn't even bother her that much. It might, indeed, even be what she wants. Anyway, God or the algorithm brought me to you and I'm glad It did. Wish I could afford your full course. What's important is that I know that no matter what I have to get out of this. Your words have given me more insight, and possibly greater strength, to do that. Thank you. Cheerio (lol)
Thank you so much. Still disentangling and setting boundaries.
#7. You must put yourself first and religious views. Now in retrospect, if someone put the narc first, as a Christian, that was not honoring themselves as a child of God.
And this relationship became my life's project, I felt a moral/intellectual challenge to try harder and harder until, drumroll, the next discard!
I'm now focused on healing.
Thank you again. This video really helped.
That’s powerful. “I made this relationship my life’s project..” (or something along those lines) … that’s not honoring our God or our moral values.
I wish I’d had these insights as a young woman.
Thx for your comment
Made all these mistakes, from blaming the other person, crying why this happened to me etc.. I have started to. Understand myself more, observe and mend my habits and mistakes. I didn't come from a family or environment where we learnt these things, all girls school, naive, introverted and always into books and dreams... looking for that person. I have matured real fast after the breakup ..lol
Omg you are so right!!! Number 3 really got me! He told me EXACTLY who he was and what he was capable of! I was the exception though. That was ALL I heard! I was somehow so special he would be different with me! I am so sick to death of all this time I have wasted!
Yup. I made all those mistakes. Every dam one. …. Twice. For many years each time.
Still digging my self out of that last hole.
It is really weird and quite uncomfortable that a stranger on the other side of the planet seems to know and understands my experiences and myself better than I do. 😳😳
Are we all just living the same dam life with only varying details?
Maybe it really is just a “matrix” 😳😳🤔🤔🤣🤣🤣🤪🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for your time and thoughts Richard. ❤️☯️☮️🖖🦋
This video is THE most insightful, valuable and essential advice any human can have. I wish you could provide this to high schools, colleges and many other places so others can have this as a measure in their lives. Many people need to hear this message before they allow themselves to have toxic people in their life. Your testimony is extremely compelling!
Richard is amazing!
Agreed! Powerful stuff!
This is a really, really important video that so many of us need to watch and apply. Thank you Richard.
I grew up when Punk’d was a popular show w/ Ashton Kutcher. A celebrity would be filmed while an insane situation played out while EVERYONE else acted as though nothing was amiss. The celebrity would ultimate look around with a look of “is this real life…am I really misinterpreting reality and this is normal?” I remember every interaction with my husband would lead me to think of those moments…unfortunately, still in it, but I now know I am not insane.
Conditioned from childhood to ignore my intuition via Gaslighting
Everything you said just makes so much sense now that my relationship totally altered my reality. Thankfully I kicked him out and I’m at this weird grieving stage. Your videos are so educational I can clearly see how manipulated and codependent I was.
I like that about moral philosophy and not permitting bad. New guy pursuing me demonstrated behaviour I didn’t care for towards another person, and I was mad and disgusted, but then made excuses the first time, but now I am ashamed I did. This is a long rant lol nice to get it off my chest still mad and thank you I thought so too. No more compromising my values EVER again.
Great video - I like how this is more like - watch yourself. There is something effective you can do. Identifying red flags doesn't always lead to self control. Knowing your own mistakes is effective.
Excellent video. If only I’d seen this years ago when I got into the relationship. Sometimes you have to go through someone’s phone to find out the full horror of how you’ve been betrayed. Foolishly I still let him stay. I can’t believe how stupid I was!
My slip up was number 5, 7 and 8. Thanks for posting.
Yes I thought I had to hang in there and transform the situation. That led me to almost getting strangled.
I saw signs very early but didn't trust my intuition.
🎯 don't enable bad behaviour. TY
Wish I had Seen this 15 years ago!!!!
Stocks are pretty unstable at the moment, but if you do the right math, you should be just fine. Bloomberg and other finance media have been recording cases of folks gaining over 250k just in a matter of weeks/couple months, so I think there are alot of wealth transfer in this downtime if you know where to look..
@EmilioYepez7 Such market uncertainties are the reason I don’t base my market judgements and decisions on rumours and here-says, got the best of me 2020 and had me holding worthless position in the market, I had to revamp my entire portfolio through the aid of an advisor, before I started seeing any significant results happens in my portfolio, been using the same advisor and I’ve scaled up 750k within 2 years,
@EmilioYepez7 Having a counselor is essential for portfolio diversification. My advisor ASHLEY AIRAGAHI who is easily searchable and has extensive knowledge of the financial markets.
Thank you. I needed this prior to meeting my ex but at least now I have a complete list of red flags to watch out for in the future.
Thank you for your wise words. After time past after my relationship. I realised that I was playing by somebody's else's rules and shifting goalposts. Also a fast shifting in feeling for me as a person. Hard lessons learned. But i am grateful.
they tell on themselves -- always
Well done! I made every one of these mistakes in my last relationship. 😢 Thank you for being so clear!
Me too. All of it. 14 years.
I did these. Became a monk and then I think I made a different set.
Damage was markedly less.
Man I hope that's progressing ;)
Nothing speaks more true than your absolute in-depth knowledge on narcissism! Big love for your channel 💕
God Bless you Richard. Very important advice for us all. Stay safe out there everyone.
At least 7 from the 8 mistakes that you mention were confirmed in my love-drama! You're a wise guy who can get to the point, thanks so much Richard🙏🏻💫
Perfect video Richard. Thank you. Last time narcissist spoke badly about herserlf - she mentioned people in her close circle were saying bad things about her and she was quite open about it. Maybe they expect this will be somehow overlooked when they cover it up with love/sexbombing . One allways has to consider that this people were saying actually the truth, not badmouthing the narcissist . Overlooking this things being bombed with attention is very harming ...
Thank you Richard Grannon ... you have to be making a huge difference with these videos... Healing us one person at a time. I appreciate you greatly!
You are the best Richard. I am not in a relationship that involves this degree of vigilance at this time...and am appreciative of the reminders of why I don't have to be.
I have to say 100% agree with you Richard and I am relates with entire 8 mistakes in correlation with clause effect inherit from my family's way. There's always be the bright side of every lessons and I am blessed to get through 42 years with gratitude and hopefully living my life with more balance, confident and content, better than yesterdays. Thank you very much. Stay blessed and healthy to you, your family, crew and loved ones.
My father was abusive, emotionally and physically. I didn't know then I had adhd/autism. I was repeatedly told to be quiet, don't cause a scene, abuse was rationalised to ..its your fault you did this. Then I ended up in my adulthood picking men who did the same. I 2 relationships with possible Narcs. One married and co-parenting with. I decided no dating, therapy and figure out what on earth was happening.
I was repeating patterns, I had no bounderies which has made co-parenting horrific!!
After 2 yrs of therapy I'm now listening to my gut, I'm establishing bounderies (which he hates) and I'm standing my ground. I feel like I'm gaining my power back.
I'd love for you to do a talk with a survivor who is neurospicy, from trauma background to let others know it's not just you. That those are not alone.
I'm now going to court to get stricture in place, I'm asking they send my ex to autism training as our son has Autism and their relationship is stressful leading to high anxiety when he goes to dad's.
Thankfully a DV charity is arranging therapy for my son.
Thank you! too much ring's true from you're videos but if we don't face the hard facts we can't change and move from being in toxic relationships.
Ooof. Super helpful, I definitely see myself in a lot of these points.
Why do we invest more into toxic relationships and people? I think at some point in our lives, our parents, guardians, or teachers told us or showed us that we were unlovable, and we believed them. So, when others become abusive, rather than blaming the person who was abusive for the abuse, we blame ourselves. Therefore, we then strive to regain the regard of that abusive person, rather than accepting that this person is abusive, hurtful, deceptive, and thus, not the person whom we had thought they were, or who they had told us they were.
All I want to say is THANKYOU RICHARD Thankyou, Thankyou. I continue to watch your videos, continuing to heal, learn & grow.
I wish I’d found you 35 years ago-before I married two narcissists consecutively! Idiot me Thank you very much Richard ❤
One of the conflicting things though.. I have great boundaries with friends, colleagues, acquaintances etc. I could spot a user in a friend circle in a heartbeat. Romantic partners… Nope. My ex at the start told me “I can’t keep a boyfriend, they all run away!” Like fuck me… I can remember at the time thinking… “you’ve got this big lad!” 😂😂😂 How wrong was I? I remember every single red flag though, I remember every gut feeling. I watched every red flag fall. In the end it’s what saves you. It channels the correct emotion… anger. Distain, disgust… just nope. Anger is the foundation of our recovery. Let each indiscretion be a brick of anger. It’s the only way to regain self worth is to be able to allow yourself to be angry, controlled, capable and honest about the relationship.
I started the course a week ago. You are helping me so much with your perspective coach-philosophical 🙌🏼
Spot-on, clear as a bell, brilliant.
Thank you, Richard.
Thanks for making this. I do believe that you are a trustworthy person, because you believe that Evil does things for a reason. You assume that what they do makes sense. Real evil will destroy just for kicks. They're not doing it to get sex, or avoiding responsibility. Sometimes they will, sure. Genuinely evil people (and they do exist) will destroy just for the sake and pleasure of destroying. Kind people normally can't wrap their head around that level of malice.
I always thought putting myself first was narcissistic. I still do but nothing like I use to . My last narcissistic abusive relationship was many years ago now. It was very very nasty and scary. I had 3 children and was threatened if he couldn’t have me no one would. I ended up with severe ptsd , anxiety, depression. I was terrified of leaving yet eventually planned and escaped with 2 children when he went out. My heart I thought was going to explode. All the red flags were there looking back now. Narcissistic abuse wasn’t heard of back then .I should of listened to my gut instinct. My mother was very strict until I left home at 21. I loved my mother however I never felt loved by her. My father left my step father wax abusive. So I felt like nothing .I’m much older now and never will I be in another relationship. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life. I wish all this information has been around so many years ago. I’m ok now. I see a phycologist who’s very good. I feel I will always struggle. I made my bed I lay in it as my mother would say. A couple of my siblings were abusive to me as well . I hated it. I was a people pleaser . Narcissistic abuse is horrific. Plan ahead and leave. . It’s not your fault . Everyone deserves to feel safe and contented. Jmo I’m no expert .
Thank you so much , Richard for breaking it down step by step in this video.
I'm the one who thanks you for all the knowllage you have given to all of us❤
The world puts little value on transparency! The truth easily offends , as its exclusive , absolute , unyeilding ! Spoke with a broadcaster today , i commented , so your aware you are putting a spin on reality ? Without missing a beat , he replied proudly , there you go !
I was guilty of, at least, the 8th point. And all along I thought that it was me who was the bad person. Thank you, Richard.
Your explanations are brilliant mate! Your insights and knowledge is articulated very well. Love it.
I can’t get over how utterly exact you’re describing my experiences and situation 🤯🤯🤯
Wow... I have made all of these mistakes. I should print this list and put on my wall with a STOP sign! 🛑🚫⛔ I was so stupid and naive.
I felt horrible, like a detective. I had a strong, inside feeling that I have to control him to get him faithful, otherwise he would be cheating on me. And despite of that he was cheating on me... This is so hurtful. 😢
Richard, I’ve been watching your content for some time now and found this to be one of your best videos ever. Great job brother! All the best to you for doing such helpful & pertinent content. 👍👍
Just thank you, i have been in that wanting to be christ-like phase with friends and the recent narc i was engaded to, and now i see how bad that is to me and to everyone around me, i think i picked it up gradually since i was a child, since im the eldest and since my dad kept guilting me for wanting things for myself sometimes and not sharing with the family every single time, and in university i was strongly affected by a well intentioned religious teacher, he used to talk about morals and high values and it was all good but it makes you feel like you're never good enough (because we are human and not perfect), i learned so much from him and it saved me many times but in the end he was not perfect as well and i was prone to get affected by that perfectionasim in being a person of morals.
Yes. The last one was very common for me when I was younger. Referring to #5
Hey my wife has put me to watch this videos I’m a counselor to many, others consider me a good guy, I work hard; take care of my kids and pay for all the bills; but accordingly to my wife I’m a narcissist and I should learn from you; today I actually had 2 other guys ,call me saying that their wife also think they are narcissist, I kid you not, this literally happened, I don’t have a problem talking to you and become a better person, to me it will be a blessing maybe I’m not seeing something I should see.
Thank you Richard. Just thank you for all this information you are putting out. I have to say that watching your videos over the last couple of weeks has given me so much awareness and through this new perspective and level of understand I have healed more then I can explain. I am finally able to let go and see hope and take my power back and start rebuilding my life. What you share is so on point. Coming out of a 17 year relationship with a narcissist, I have been stuck in a state of over-analysis and rumination and second guessing everything I do and say, too scared to share an opinion or an emotion out of fear that it might be perceived as "crazy." My mind has been fragmented for so long I imagine the grieving process might still take some time to piece everything back together but at least I have hope that I will be able to move on and find peace and silence the inner critic. We share 3 kids and he still tries to use them as a way to elicit a response from me. I have been hanging onto a naive belief that he would eventually let go of resentment and stop being so childish and that we could one day co-parent amicablely, but after 2 years I'm finally letting go of hope and I now realise that he just doesn't have the capacity. Thank you for guiding me to that realisation and for giving me hope that I will be able to break the trauma bond and maybe one day find someone who will see me and love me for me.
Thank you for your ongoing drive to educate and empower survivors. The information you share has been crucial for me to finally make sense of my lifelong experiences. I was aware of the presence of multigenerational family abuse and trauma patterns, but really learning about the particular narcissistic elements of it, and how mislead my ‘compassion’ with the perpetrators was, has been a turning point on my healing journey. I can’t thank you enough. I have just started one of your online courses and for the first time feel hopeful. 🙏
You nail it every time dude 👍
No. 5. "I have to make this work." We all do this and I believe this again stems from childhood trauma. As a helpless child who cannot take care of themselves your survival depends on your caregivers. When they are abusive to you, you have no choice but to think "I have to make this work." You have no choice. The reality is too painful for our little bodies so really what we do is dissociate and split off from ourselves, enter into fantasy and do some mental gymnastics to explain away the nasty behaviours because "they MUST love us" and that's how we make it work. We begin obsessing about all the different ways we can gain their approval and be the best of ourselves and be loved by them. We focus on what we can change about ourselves so that we will be loved because we cannot face the reality that our parents are evil. When we don't heal this, we repeat it in adult relationships. We can't see the evil in them because we're so focused on trying to figure out what is wrong with us. I saw a meme on FB 18 years ago "Before you start diagnosing yourself with depression, first make sure you're not surrounded by assholes." It made sense to me at the time yet it still took 18yrs of bulshit new age therapies, spiritual bypass, psychiatric diagnoses and then finally 4 years of proper trauma therapy to take that quote fully onboard as my reality. Usually there is actually nothing wrong with you you've just been raised by assholes who made you believe you're the problem, and because that was your default wiring you continued to surround yourself with assholes into adulthood because it you equated "love" and "safety" with abuse as a child.
Thank you Richard lm over it now you help me so much when l was going through a verry bad time 2 years ago and Richard you look a lot beter you should be so proud of what you have done with your life god bless you ❤
Really great Video. Thank you, Richard.
I let my guard down. They infiltrated my life.
Gosh, I love this man, hahaha! Amazing video. I’m going to listen over and over.
Very insightful and authentic advice to be taken very seriously to avoid unnecessary narcissistic torture 🙏
very handy and concise, richard. love your lengthier videos like this, ty for everything
Thanks for sharing 🙏🏻 through your channel you are helping me understand narcissistic abuse and I am able to move forward. I keep having these moments of “I wasn’t crazy!”. I was terrorised, Physically and emotionally and I had no idea why I stayed. Even when I was in it, I begged myself “why won’t you leave?”.. It’s not always that simple. I did it in the end and it was an absolute mess. I don’t know which of us actually ended it because it was so on/off/on/off but I certainly felt discarded in the end
I was "Lunch Time"! Thank You, for telling me the truth!
Really like the lighting of this video it’s so visually balanced.
I love the way you have developed your mature understanding, your work and presentation.