Same. I'm disliked everywhere I go. Even at an Autistic group the other day I upset someone by passing on knowledge that they asked for as they asked a question about it. Turns out that i'm a purple sheep even amongst the black sheep. By the way, I think you're great and I admire your honesty, bravery and the way you convey your thoughts.
I understand Dana. When I hear about neurodivergent married couples with their own successful businesses I just think how? I'm not stupid either but I've not had much support so that life has been so overwhelming and frustrating. It's not right we've not had the chance to use our talents to the full. I do pray that this will change at some point in our lives.❤
UGH! Yes! If they don't want factual information, why do they pretend to? Should I ask, "Are you asking for emotional validation or factual information before supplying the requested info?" IDK
I think a lot of people are trying in autistic groups and can ask questions but get overwhelmed with the answer or even have delayed processing... All groups are weird... & there's a lot of processing to do, so I wouldn't worry too much about their reactions as long as your intentions are good! Also, it's so hard in a group because just one person can give you an impression the entire group doesn't like you or get you... but they only represent themselves, really, and they could be wrong! People are all working on their own stuff so try not to worry. Purple sheep are interesting sheep, right?
It’s because we are conditioned to be unlikeable, we radiate that. People see victim behavior. Only if we truly free ourselves from that, things can really change.
Lots of the answer I try to offer that normal people don't like are my honest insight of several topics unique enough that they believe I'm crazy about the topic and often struggle to figure out how the answer can even relate to their question.
Same here. Story: Once I was a kid and asked a girl with 3 fingers on her right hand how she writes with it. I was 8 years old and was just curious and didn't feel that it could upset her. She didn't answer to me, put her head down, became sad and looked embarrassed. Kids around laughed at her. I didn't have an opportunity to apologize, I've never seen her again. I felt so bad about it. And feel bad now.
But it was genuine curious and not rude. 🫂 I bet she only felt so ashamed of the others making fun of her. Please, don't feel so bad. I totally feel you. 😢❤️🩹
You were 8 and had no malice in your heart. This is a world problem... not a you problem. The fact that you remember and have feelings about it shows you really have a good heart.
This kind of experience happened to me many times. Being misunderstood due to our curiosity since other people only expect blame at a certain point and fail to see the good side of humanity. I’ve played both roles before so I know what I’m talking about. But seriously, you tried your best! You did what you could, you just got to see how much people can be hurt.
I can understand why you would feel so badly about it, but try not to be unfair to yourself. You were a kid and asked an honest question. You didn’t mean harm by it, even if that was the unintended consequence. It’s ok to forgive yourself.
I relate to the fact that the very unsupportive, dismissive upbringing some of us had as Autistics (we become very self-reliant and independent) crosses over when we socialize with other Autistics. I felt almost neuro-typical amongst them, but at the same time relating to everything ABOUT them but nothing really TO them.. a total mind-fuck lol. I'm not so much into "finding my people" these days, rather just relating to those I enjoy being around in the moment. Its kind of transitory but seems to work for me a lot better :))
I still definitely have a big hope of ‘finding my people’, but I’ve learned a lot about the value in just enjoying people as they are! I wouldn’t say I really relate to anyone who attends the church I go to, besides we all have some type of spirituality that aligns with tolerance and acceptance, and it’s ended up being really lovely staying for tea after services and just listening to people chat about their lives and why they’re there and just random small talk. Just being around people, and being myself, and all of us being quite vastly different in regards to age, class, upbringing, etc. and still being able to just have a nice natter over tea and biscuits has been much more valuable, fun, and taught me way more about myself and how to generally just be than I ever would have expected! I wish there were more opportunities for that type of community away from religion, though I do also really like that Unitarianism welcomes everyone and gives me the chance to have it 😅 Sorry this is so church focused, it’s really just about the community/people and not the place/purpose!
@@DanaAndersen You've Found One Here Dana Level 2 On The Scale And Diverse To Boot With Severe Complex PTSD, I've Absolutely Been Loving Your Channel And Please Do Keep It Up, To Quote One Of My Many Enjoyed Movies "Alone You Are Vulnerable, But If You Work Together As A Team You Can Do Much!" 🥰
Same girl, same. What has helped me is self compassion. Sometimes I love my autism, sometimes I don't. I have lots of stories but, to summarise, I didn't know people offer you mints when you have bad breath and I'd always accepted or rejected them according to my desire to take a mint or not. I feel late embarrassment just thinking how many times people insisted so much probably because I had bad breath. I was like yesterday years old when I discovered this. I'm 26.
To be fair, I offer gum or mints to people if they happen to be around when I’m helping myself to them. I wonder if they thought I was communicating they had bad breath lol..
@emilyfaith8051 neurotypical rules are so confusing. It shouldn't be offensive or embarrassing to say "hey, you got bad breath, but don't worry: here's a mint". Then all of us would understand when people are genuinely sharing mints with us!
I'm 60 and went through my entire adult + working life undiagnosed. I was a teacher, though, so I learned lots of strategies to help students that I applied to myself. Since retiring (5 years early, due to adults bullying me), I have realized that my teacher role & masking allowed me to do social events; MOST of my adult life has been ruled by the idea that I need to be a good model for youth, and it helped me power through. Now, on my own, without the role & mask, things have been much more difficult, and I share many of your feelings of failure and frustration. I have discovered that I cannot do things that others find fun because of the overwhelming sensory issues of restaurants, bars, etc. I prefer to socialize with ONE person; groups are too fucking confusing, and I shut down. My social circle has shrunk considerably, but the handful of real friends I have accept me unmasked. I now spend most of my time with friends outdoors, hiking & kayaking. (I post shorts of my outings here.) I love live music, but I just go to outdoor gigs, where I feel comfortable & safe. I am much happier now that I have stopped forcing myself to take on uncomfortable social situations to fit in when I never will. Your confusion about poetry is valid. I taught literature to teens for 30 years, and many poems require a LOT of insider knowledge of forms, literary features, and historical movements to understand, but it just doesn't matter! Read poetry you love and leave the rest. If you want a scholarly guide, you can find lots of resources online, but it isn't necessary. Unless you're working toward a degree, there's no need to stress over poetry you don't get. I have always loved poetry, and I am thrilled at the number of novels and memoirs in verse that are available now. Most of the poetry I love is considered unworthy of attention by lit. scholars, but I don't care, because poetry is about The Human Condition, and "unworthy" poets have saved many. NO student of mine ever claimed that Shakespeare saved their life, but plenty thank the "unworthy" poets for helping them survive! A uni professor I met early in my career sent me Mary Oliver's "Wild Geese." I taped it to the wall by my bed for many years. It has been helpful to my survival and self-acceptance and to that of many of my students. Maybe you'll like it, too. Sending you BIG LOVE! Be well.
Mary Oliver is lovely! This is some solid advice about socializing & living your life in a way you can handle! I'm so sorry & mortified about the bullying you went as a teacher, because you sound like you'd have been incredible! I always thought interest-based teaching could be a safer profession for us but as a student you don't realize everything a teacher has to do behind the scenes. Although you were masking, I bet you really helped so many kids who had sensory issues or were neurodivergent, without realizing how much. I had a handful of teachers who made such a difference to met that I'm sure I never told.
@@cynthiabrown5456 My approach was student-centered; I encouraged every student to root their coursework in their interests because it's good practice, and my fave teachers did that. My fave settings to teach & learn are outdoors, so I had outdoor components in my courses--also for mental health benefits for students. I was a teacher researcher and did a case study with an Autistic student whose friend brought him to my classroom during lunch, and said, "Could we eat in here with you? The cafeteria is too much for my friend." I said yes, and we began a convo about what is good for his friend, and I developed a lifelong relationship with the 2 students and the Autistic student's fam. The helper became an educator. When I learned of my Autism, I visited with the fam and the teacher. NOBODY was surprised to hear it, and we all had a good laugh about it. It makes so much of my life make sense, and now I can enjoy all the quirks I've been bullied for in PEACE! I'm glad for doing good work; I'm glad I can now rest.
I second that emotion! Whenever I need to hear that, I like to sing along to Alice Cooper's "I'm the Coolest." Then I'll feel so powerful, I'll be able to tackle a dreaded task, like calling someone in an office somewhere or getting groceries! LOL!
So I got brave and went to an arcade with friends once and as we were walking out there were two open doors and a piece of glass in between, I didn't go for either of those doors I walked face first into the glass. My friend tried to play it off like I did it on purpose to be funny and everyone awkwardly went with it. I was 15, I'm 39 now and I still cringe thinking about it and that's the only thing I remember from that day. Giving you this in exchange for your video about arfid,I owe you one, you have helped me a lot
Thank you! 😭 This is exactly what I mean though, my ex did something very similar at a coffee shop and I both haven’t thought about it again until reading this, and as much as I find both funny, I definitely don’t think anything negative/judgemental/mean about either for doing it! I do wonder if it’s because the chances of doing it myself are so high though 😂
Ha! That's so smart. For me, it's usually door jambs & I look around to see if anyone noticed & they pretend I didn't & I feel like a joke would work better! I only do that with my wife though because I know she'l laugh with me! lol
My awkward thing is that I always cross looks with people who are waving at someone across the room but I think they're waving at me, so I wave back and they're like 'uhh, sorry I wasn't waving at you'. And it's just 🙃
I can relate, I always seem to be that person in a shop that has the self service checkout malfunction when I use it. And every single time I have to go to the pharmacy to ask for a prescription I always tell myself in my head how I'm going to say it, and I still mess up saying it every single time.
When I changed elementary schools at the age of 10, I came from a very poor school and went to one where all the other kids were rich and pretty. No one would be my friend because I was chubby and poor so finally after 2 years of having no friends, I was playing volleyball in a circle for the first time and the ball was hit far away so I went running after it, unknowingly that it was in a puddle of mud. I slipped while running and got mud all over me, right in front of all the kids I was hoping to make friends with. The school day hadn’t started yet so I had to go to the nurse and wear clothes from lost and found that were adult clothes and so ugly. I can’t express how embarrassed and ashamed I was that day.
Oooh I had a similar one to this, my family moved to Denmark when I was 10 and a few weeks after starting school I convinced my parents to get me the tracksuit all the other kids weee wearing. I rocked up to school thinking I’d finally fit in, and it ACTUALLY worked! They invited me to play on the climbing equipment and it was all going great, then I slipped and landed on my back. Head to toe, the back of my body was coated in mud and I locked myself in the toilets for hours until my dad finished work and picked me up 🫠
The best way which I know to deal with embarrassing situations is just to accept that they happen and let it be a “quirk” rather than a “mistake”. “If you can’t beat it, lead it”. Be the quirkiest of all and be proud of it. When I’m studying and have to attend 6-8 hours long classes offline, I can use even the smallest break to nap and recharge. Of course after several times people begin to notice and come to ask : “why are you always asleep?” And I just smile and tell them plain truth: “because I feel sleepy/tired” or something like that. Always works. Or when I meet a new group of people, after asking their names, I just add “I hope I will remember, cause I have terrible memory for names, if no - I may ask again later” So my motto is “I’m quirky and I know it”😊
I am 34 and self diagnosed and the one thing that got me in this video is that realisation things won't really ever improve. This was a sad realisation I had this year after 2 jobs, one of which was meant to be 'perfect' for me both ending in complete anxiety. And I see other people I admire doing this job that seems easy on the surface and would suit me well but I never want to do it again unless it's for very short stints. So I'm left thinking..it's going to be even harder to find work from now on because I understand myself more and don't want to put myself through anymore stress mainly because it's unfair that other people doing the same work don't feel that
I want to challenge you on your assertion that “things will never improve.” How can you know? Maybe you’ll gain more skills as you continue trying. Maybe you’ll find people who support you. Maybe a situation you once thought was too difficult will become a little easier. Telling yourself now that it’s impossible will *make* it impossible. But continuing to try may make what you want happen. Speaking as a person who struggles with the same mindset. What helps me is thinking back on things I’ve done that I once thought were impossible. It’s true that the world is largely unforgiving, and there’s no guarantee things will work out. Especially as a neurodivergent person in a world designed against us. But there are loopholes out there, and there is hope.
Embarrassing story that I think about like once a week even though it happened 23 years ago: I was generally a good student because I hated being in school, but doing the assignments was at least stimulating to my mind sometimes, since I wasn’t really socializing in a normal way. There were some years where I stopped trying, but generally, I got really high grades, and I cared a lot about getting validation from my teachers. My mom was super abusive, so having some positive interactions with adults was important to me during school. And I went to free school (a.k.a. public school in the US), nothing fancy. So that was the context. I was in world history in sixth grade, 12 years old. We were doing debate, learning about the structure of a debate, with lots of preparation, etc. I was very nervous about it because there is a performative aspect of it, and I hated doing that kind of thing. I prepared very in depth, and I was very passionate about my arguments. We were arguing about the Israel-Palestine conflict, and I was arguing on behalf of the Palestinian side. I am Jewish, but learning about this topic was very eye-opening to me at the time. I would continue to be very passionate about it in my personal life. Also, I’m Jewish, and I felt it was important for me to make these arguments in the most well-spoken way I could. I thought that my classmates who were mostly Christian might care about the issue more if one of their Jewish classmates was speaking about it and not speaking from a Zionist perspective. Welp. I very nervously got through my entire opening statement, had no idea what I had said, I was fully zoned out due to nervousness and anxiety and autism. Every time I was supposed to say Palestine, I said Pakistan. I didn’t even know hardly anything about Pakistan when I was 12, it was just my brain misfiring. I can still picture the way my classmates stared at me and then after an excruciatingly long pause, laughed, and the fact that I was fully disqualified and unable to continue with the debate because of the mistake. Like the teacher asked me to sit out the rest of the activity after that. I felt like such a failure, and it was just because my brain misfired and chose the wrong word in a situation where I was super nervous. I truly felt like no one else in the class was going to represent the history or the ideas or the nuances to the level that I was going to. And they didn’t, to them it was just an assignment. To me it was this big issue of fairness and imperialism and violence and pain, and there was so much emotion in it. And I had personally felt betrayed when I was doing my preparation for the debate, because the issue had always been misrepresented to me. I definitely grew up with a more Zionist narrative being fed to me as the norm. Regardless of what others believe, they should at least be able to have a nuanced spread of the history, hear both sides of the story, that sort of thing. Now I realize it was probably my autistic “outsized” sense of fairness getting triggered really hard. But whatever, just feeling like because I made a mistake outside of my control, I wasn’t allowed to talk anymore, and my ignorant classmates weren’t going to get the info dump I so badly wanted to give them. I felt like I wholeheartedly failed the speech check. I really rolled a nat 1 on that. I don’t know why this one takes so much time and effort for me to heal from. I can’t even really laugh at it now. I want to be able to, but it is just humiliating and embarrassing. I would never treat someone the way my peers treated me that day. I would be really upset and angry if someone treated my son like that. I don’t think they realized that it was such a blow to my sense of self-worth. 🎉 wheee embarrassing stories
I get it. Our self esteem is bound to take a hit when we're living in an NT world that isn't structured with people like us in mind. I think you seem really cool from what you've shared online, and your special interests are perfectly sound
It is never ending, and everytime you think you've learnt a lesson and vow not to do it, something always goes awry. It's hard enough keeping things together as it is, when something happens that puts you on the spot or you just feel so stupid for being such an idiot, I hope i manage to get home before I crumble. End up a blubbering mess and self loathing vowing to never speak or go near another human again.
"Get home before I crumble" is a feeling I get sometimes after a social interaction. Not my favorite... It also sounds like a song title. A country ballad, I think. I like to sing those. A song is a good safe space for emotional processing for me.
@@MorbinNecrim86 Emotions are so unpredictable! Whether I weather them, melt down, or shut down, I don't fear or fight it. I know that I'm not losing my mind or dying. I try to give myself safe space and time to recover & get on with it when I'm able. I am thankful to a therapist who taught me to sit with emotions, observe, and trust their temporary nature. Emotions are like weather: ever-changing.
@mizotter it's sometimes difficult when they rock in like a hurricane without warning though. I am more accepting of emotions than I used to be though, I used to do my best to stuff them down and be as much like a robot I could be.
I was with a group of autistic people recently and we were talking about family struggles. I wanted to share something gross my uncle (who I live with) does, because he's literally the grossest, weirdest, most intolerable person I know and just living with him makes me feel dirty and insecure although I haven't figured out why I am embarrassed by HIS awful behavior and habits. So I said it's probably TMI and everyone said it's fine, one person said "I don't believe in TMI" and then I proceeded to say the thing and they all freaked out and gagged and told me to stop but for some reason once the floodgates were open and I was talking about it, I couldn't stop, I had to finish and put the cherry on top... And now it has been flashing through my mind since then, making me hate myself and the only thing I can say to console myself (which doesn't even work half the time) is that no one probably remembers because we were having a great time till then and they still hang out with me so they probably don't hate me.
I think a couple of things are going on in the autistic community. You have those who were able to pass as neurotypical. They have a different set of social skills and life experiences than those who have not passed as neurotypical. Also in groups within the autistic community. You use a term that was perfectly acceptable just six months ago and if you use it now you will be interrupted mid sentence. So if you are not part of the cool kids group then there is this additional layer between you and the community.
Hello!! I watch your videos very often because i experience being autistic very simlarly. With scial evens i truly do relate. I'll share my progress ive made throughout the past 5 years. I went and looked for queer events with music i really enjoyed, in the hopes of connecting with people my age who are like me, which i was successful in, yet i still felt out of place even within safe spaces, because i am so authentically me without trying to. I have made great friends but also find myself just outside of friend groups and well assembled social circles, even within my family. Keep working towards your journey of self acceptence, which is so hard as a queer autistic person, because we are so conditioned into trying to change into what society expects us to do (with jobs, school, hobbies etc) its a long journey trying to accept that sometimes im capable of social stuff, and other times i need many days to recover from these. You're doing great by continuing to pursue your own interests by going to poetry nights and queer events, and im incredibly proud of your progress socially. and to anyone reading this struggling with the same, you're not alone!! theres many out there, autistic or not, struggling to find foot socially in our continously individualistic society. stick together, we are great!!
"Always orbiting somewhere far away" (not sure if I got that exactly right but around that part) connected with me so well and just hit me like a ton of bricks, because that is EXACTLY how I feel when I'm around other friend groups/social circles. They have their own in-jokes and relationships, and meanwhile here I am, feeling more like an outsider looking in, casually observing from miles away. There is a deep sense of separation from myself and others, like a language barrier, an invisible wall if you will. And it sucks SO MUCH, because I _want_ to be there, I _want_ to be part of the group! But I feel like I never can, because I'll never understand, and people can't understand me either. Thank you so so much for this video, I have never felt so seen and heard. ❤♥🧡💛💚
Oh yes, I empathise a lot with this! I've always feel like the odd one out and don't know how to fit in as well as having that fear of being perceived as weird (as well as just generally being seen, which is bad enough). I didn't know I was autistic until a few months ago, so I've just got on with it similarly, I guess, to you - there's no support available if no-one knows there's something to support, so you have to find a way to do the stuff you can't actually do without a lot of effort and energy. Ruminating is a fact of life (for me at least), it doesn't take up loads of my time, but when I think about a thing or when there's nothing going on and those kinds of thoughts can creep up on you, it's difficult not to do. I really enjoy your videos, it's great to find someone having similar experiences and even though I figure I'll be having the same difficulties forever, it's good to feel like I'm not alone. One of the best things about finding out I'm autistic has been discovering there's a whole community of other folk with similar experiences and that makes a huge difference to me having spent forever feeling like a uniquely weird person.
I have moments when I wish I wasn't autistic when it comes to wishing I could do things. I do alternative things to doing things like wanted to go to a concert, but watched it on UA-cam instead. I like poetry Dana! ❤
I would really love to hear you do a video about college (if there's enough for you to talk about to make into a video). I'm right at the end of my first semester and there is SO much work being piled onto me (I go to art school and every project for all of my classes is literally something so time consuming and intricate) and it is driving me INSANE !!!!!! so it would be really helpful to hear more about your perspective on college as someone with autism (as I believe this is only making it worse for me). Thanks for all of the videos you make, I have been watching for a while now and they are always SO helpful and validating :) 🙌🙌
Oooooh, if you search on my channel I did a video years ago called something like ‘I’m a college drop out’. I’m not entirely sure how relevant it’ll be for you because my experience is from almost a decade ago, and with you saying semester I’m assuming you’re at an American college, while college in the UK is from ages 16-18, so university is more comparable to the American college experience, and I didn’t manage to make it that far 🫠😅
@@DanaAndersen OH okay wow that changes so much I had no idea lmao. and yes I was talking about american college and this is the first semester of my first year of (hopefully) four. Thank you for clearing that up 🙏🙏
god I am embarrassed every time I try hugging someone (with consent) but they want a side hug and I go in for a full hug because I don't process their angle/body language and so for the next like hour I just sit there embarrassed.
For real, I'm getting to a point where I just don't want to touch anybody. Idk, I do want to tho. I would really like to sit next to my family on the couch without feeling horribly awkward.
Thank you so much for posting this! Its a topic that people dont really talk about, like were supposed to talk positive about ourselfs but it can be really hard especially when your living with yourself. I know its silly but sometimes i wish we could escape our own brain. It does really feel that other people who are also struggling have some type of control but it gets overwhelming. It always feels like you dont fit in even though you have a nice group of friends and i feel as though i could have the best life but something will always feel off, in a way that it feels that i dont know how to exist and live as a human. Anyways sorry for the rant, but i just wanted to say thank you! 💕
Thank you Dana. your videos are very helpful. I feel as thought i've experienced very similiar situations. akward thing recently was spotting a plastic sign on a street light talking about an autism open awareness event. i registered and attended, but felt like a complete alien imposter. like even though it was for autistic people. i myself shouldn't have attended or i should have tried to find someone to bring. which i probably wouldn't have been able to do since almost every friend i have is online. before it even started i kept thinking someone was going to ask me to leave or something because i stood out. sitting there in my black hoodie with a rainbow autism pin, black sneakers, black school bag. (which did contain a copy of my CV just in case a question like that came up.) Everyone else was wearing fancy suits. in the end it was for local businesses to be more aware about autistic people. and while it was great. I felt very out of place and in the end didn't really get all that much from it. but at the same time. its focus was more for younger people with autism. which is Perfect. gonna upset myself saying this. but its good they can get help while younger unlike myself having to suck it up until my adult life when i could figure out how to get tested for it. instead of being called lazy alot. still I recongized one of the autism groups AsIAm. even seen their founder. if i was brave enough at the time i would have thanked them for their hard work. but i felt a bit too much out of place.. AsIAm they helped me with FAQ's and docuemnted user experiences.
You and me both I think a recurring thing I've done as an adult was showing to company parties on time, and just having that awkward walk around for like half an hour while my anxiety is spiking sky high, waiting for people to show up, and then having to leave 15 minutes later because I can't take it anymore and look a total fool I wouldn't mind it so much if I didn't get cringe attacks every time I recall the situations
Hey Dana. Just found your channel and I'm so glad I did! Relate to loads of what you said - feeling behind, stupid and closing in on yourself in group situations where you don't really know where you stand in the group / you've not got to know people enough to be comfortable speaking and chatting freely; that's my take anyway. Excited to watch your other vids and future vids too :)
I do relate to this Dana. And it instantly made me think of a time not so long ago when I effectively misgendered someone because I liked them and got over enthusiastic about hopefully seeing them again so I invited them to something that their gender was not part of. I did just apologise and move straight on with our conversation, but I HATED myself for being such an idiot later on and whenever I think of it, so yeah.
My personal theory around this is that the shame/embarresment is an echo of masking. It's like being watched by the external mask-judge that used to be a part of trying to be normal. Seeing ourselves from the outside through a harsh normie lens to figure out any mistake we might be punished for. I don't think it's possible to remove it completely, but I've added lots of different lenses and it's kinda fun to play around with them. In public places with strangers I just embrace being a whimsy manic pixie dream girl. Even if I'm actually annoying 😅 being "that person" is also a delicious revenge on dumb social norms. I'm too busy observing everyone else and seeing patterns. Like today I almost went into the men's bathroom at a concert because I didn't see the other door. A dude almost did the opposite when I went through the right door😅
One the things that I admire about you is your bravery in taking on challenges when you're pursuing your interests and passions. You're 5 years younger than me and I'm AuDHD too. I do hear you on being hindered by your neurodivergence and that is so valid but at least you don't let the hindrance stop you from pursuing what you want to. If I had your gumption, I'd be fucking proud of myself. If I didn't have to walk my dog, I wouldn't leave the house. Getting frustrated by yourself is fair enough but you make a big effort to learn and about yourself and the world so one day you'll be a wise old owl (that probably still stacks it in public sometimes) and that might feel a bit more comfortable. That's what I try to tell myself anyway 😂😊 Thanks for your honesty on here - I always look forward to your videos ⭐️
I can relate so much! or well kinda. I went to a concert the other day and I got so confused so easily when they were showing me where to go and was so awkward when I met the band members and it's been going round and round in my head I also over think every dumb social interactions and I just feel so anxious when I get home after a long social event day
oof this hits hard tonight.. I had a 'shoot I am talking too much; interaction with a flatmate, then I wanted to do a thing I was making at a maker space and there was a social gathering.. and I just ended up in a corner sorting a socket set and feeling the awkwardness so hard and not even doing what I wanted to do.. People were nice.. but I felt so unable to fit in and be. I sometimes just never want to engage with people, since sometimes it fun, but then the differnce pops out and it's me who really feels it.
If I tried, I could probably have kept track of all the times I fell down and got laughed at for it. It feels like about the same amount of times I fell down and someone asked if I was ok.
Something I've read that's really helped me is "grant yourself the grace and sympathy you extend to others". Basically be as kind to yourself as you are to other people.
I reckon realising that ‘you are who you are’ has to be the first step to accepting it though? I had the same “everyone is okay except me” for most of my life! I realised that actually, those of us who care to question what our issues are and try to learn from our mistakes are doing far better than those who ignore theirs, if that makes sense? The most horrible people I’ve met are the least likely to look at themselves and try to do better. You are not overthinking, you’re practicing self-reflection🥳 because you care about other people’s feelings, beliefs etc. Maybe it’s an Autism thing but it’s fine. You keep being Dana❤
I really understand where you’re coming from. The sense of separation and shame I’ve felt from what I perceived as “failed” social interactions is so immense. And what neurotypicals consider “overthinking” is unfortunately a feature of autism in my experience. For neurotypicals, socialization is automatic, whereas for neurodivergent people, it is a manual process. This leads to a depth of analysis that can be paralyzing and shame-fueling. Others don’t really get it. In moments where the shame becomes unbearable, I try to be gentle with myself. Becoming more socially aware has helped me to prevent embarrassing situations and the shame spirals outright, but mistakes still happen. I try to handle them with grace, and be really forthright with others when I feel I’ve done something “weird” like you’ve described. But I try not to be self-deprecating about it, both because it’s harmful to my own self-esteem, and because it makes others uncomfortable. fyi I’m speaking as someone who isn’t diagnosed autistic, but I definitely believe I am neurodivergent.
12:40 I live in fear of encountering you in the wild and then introducing you to a companion as "This is Dana She's a… SHITE, THEY'RE A UA-camR! OMG I'M SCARLET! I HAVE BROUGHT DISHONOR UPON MY ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY! FORGIVE MY HUBRIS!". Yeah, this one hits like a truck. 16:18 "If you fancy sharing an embarrassing story or two:" -> Sorry, not in my wheel house. I once called the teacher dad, politely waited for the class to stop laughing, then said "sorry, Mr. [name forgotten]…" and then resumed asking my question. Sure, there are things that keep me up at night in hindsight, and I obviously get anxious about what might happen, see above. But in the heat of the moment come hell or high water I will not blush!
As much as I SO TOTALLY GET IT, I’d also definitely find it funny and either not think about it or just lightly think about it in like a positive that was a kinda funny reaction way you know? And I’m so logically sure that’s how it must be for most other people, but I can’t emotionally convince myself of that 😭 Ahhh I called teachers mum so many times it stopped phasing me at all, I think I also got lucky in finding a lot of things I should have found embarrassing quite funny, and thought people were laughing with me not at me 😅
I work at a pizza place and we have this Australian guy who comes in occasionally. it takes me like 3 times as long to hear, understand, and reply to whatever he's saying; simply because of his accent. It makes me feel, gross? Like I'm doing something wrong by struggling to comprehend him.
Shame is so hard to work through. I wish I had some sort of advice for it, but 🤷♀️ Lately, I’ve tried to just own it, without self deprecating, if possible. “Do I sound irritated? I can’t tell how my tone is coming across.” Just neutral facts, I tell myself… doesn’t always help though… My whole life, I’ve been an observer. As a fly on the wall, there is so much to take in without participating. Maybe that’s part of why I can only fully participate under very specific circumstances.. but being such an avid observer had led to several awkward circumstances. In 8th grade, I was a goth kid. There was a goth group that I was semi apart of, but not a core member of the friend group. Mostly because I lack social skills and didn’t know how to insert myself. Anyway, one of the guys from that group was in my English class. We both sat in the back of class, but on opposite sides of the room. And I kept finding myself staring at him, which means I was looking fully to my left and it was incredibly obvious. I wasn’t even daydreaming about him or anything, AND I really liked that teacher and paid attention to class. So how come I keep finding myself full on facing this guy EVERY DAY? Let me be clear, he was the person in the group I was the least close to. We’d barely had a conversation. But he was interesting and I didn’t understand him. One day, to my horror, I had fully turned my entire body towards him and had been sitting completely sideways. Honestly, it only stopped because the semester ended. It was so embarrassing…
I really relate to this feeling of being behind in terms of social 'skills'. I was isolated during my childhood (partially by my parents, partially because I had horrible social phobia (which perhaps was caused by my parent's isoliation!)) so whenever I talk to peers today it feels like I'm a kid trying to talk to adults on a level playing field. It's really difficult, but at the same time I don't want to give up on trying and 'catching up' with my peers in terms of social skills. It's not fair to have this disadvantage, but being bitter about it won't solve it either... so I try to stay positive and keep trying, and for what it's worth, I can feel noticeable improvement from where I was just a year ago compared to now. I'ts a long and tedious journy, but its worth it
My wife is one of those stereotypical hypercompetent autistics and I'm more on the "I did laundry today and will need to be under blankets for a week" side of things. Dana describes this experience I often have where I have to remind myself not to compare. I'd call it a "why can't you just [x]" moment but applied to oneself.
i tell myself "i did the best i could with the person i was at the time" and that is my best and is enough so i let it be as you said learned from then i leave it behind me rather than torture myself with the thing
i feel you; i have had the same train of thought as you describe since as long as i can remember. (oh that was embarrassing i'm such a fool oh im so stupid ugh but i wouldnt think that about someone else so why do i get so upset at myself i'm so shitty i need to be better rinse repeat) and this year, i was really trying to stop beating myself up in my head over things like that, it was sapping the joy i was getting from any situation and take me out of the experience and into my own head where i'm just being critical, & the constant self-critique was obviously not helping me improve. so yeah i started very intentionally practicing self-compassion, which I describe as treating myself as though I were a dear friend, at first it helped immensely having my best friend around that would watch me retreat into my head and pull me out of it when we were together. But yeah, deciding on purpose to think of myself as someone I love and want to take care of and wouldn't treat that way; after 11 months I'm still just as awkward and autistic but I find it much much easier to let myself just...exist. Best of luck to you
Hearing this makes my heart hurt for you, I wish you had more compassion for yourself. I used to be the exact same way. I haven't totally overcome it but I've tried to think about my comfort characters and characters who are loveably imperfect and have tried to view myself the same way. This mindset took about 4 years to get it to "stick" but it eventually has gotten me to a place where I can just chuckle at my autistic ass and be like "poor guy, that one was rough" when I mess up and work on gravitating toward people who find my support needs endearing reasonable. Apologies if this doesn't make sense. It's a long process is what I want to say. Try lots of different things. Try imagining yourself as a character that is blatantly imperfect trying to find their place in the world. Sending love.
Apologies in advance for the essay to come, but I like writing, too! I 100% relate that in queer spaces &/or writing spaces, I still feel on the outside and in autistic spaces, I also still feel on the outside. (Sometimes it's because I'm wordy & always do what I'm about to do here. Overshare & write too much. I know the rules but can't follow them, because I care. What if I say something that could help you or someone reading the comment section?) I do think the key to not being so hard on yourself is finding people with the same issues you relate to & seeing how awesome they are, wishing they didn't have to go through that pain because there's nothing really wrong with who they are & realizing, hey, maybe that isn't a disqualified to being a cool person with something to offer & maybe just mindfully applying the concept to yourself. But there aren't as many creators out there like you. I think I have a similar energy level & vibe & there is just no way I could do it! lol I also think discussions around various levels and different needs we may have are nuanced and honestly I'm not sure even if it's ok to bring it up... & that can make it hard to put into words politely how othered we can feel even while we are happy others succeed. I think it's so cool you offer that perspective & discussion, because many of us out here aren't able to present as well as the popular creators & are wondering why or wracking our brains trying to crack the code they cracked! Being late to the poetry event!? (T.S. Idiot is a really funny pseudonym btw!) I can say when I was younger & went to them, I actually wasn't at the point in my social development where I'd have noticed people thought it was rude, & I'd have thought they were being rude for noticing me coming in late instead of paying attention to the speaker. lol. I don't think I understood that there were norms I was violating until my 30's maybe. But, now that I have figured that one out about being late, I'm not able to fix it really, especially if I drive myself (which is pretty difficult for me, & also just leaving the house can be. My only focus can be being safe and worrying about time makes it less safe, so I just can't. I also get turned around easily, especially inside a building.) My more serious embarrassing "being late" story is going to the YMCA, one I'd never been to that was almost an hour away, and having the door slammed in my face because I was 6 minutes late. Then, going in again, since it was just someone in the class that did it, and just hoping the teacher would take mercy on me (because exercise helps me so much with depression & physical pain & I was grieving & just needed to feel good, even for a few minutes). The teacher cast me out loudly essentially & I had this huge public meltdown/grief attack that was so bad one of the employees found a room for me to just go cry in. It was soooo bad and so embarrassing. Gym classes have usually been a safe space, so it was rough. I've always more done meltdowns at home (and not so frequently as I've gotten older) & it was just the worst & I've been afraid to go back. Some teachers are very pro-policy and rule-oriented (& I get it), but others are really kind and encouraging to me. I really never know what I'm going to get there! It was rough and I think it took a couple of months before I went to even my usual gym again, where I had never had problems, and I don't even know why because I could be late there & it didn't matter. To land on a happier note, it sounds like you were trying to dance with someone & maybe fell?? I'm sorry!!! That is rough but the right person (even friend!) will pick you back up. It could be a meet-cute & it's their loss if nobody comes to help you!! :) It was terribly hard when I was young trying to meet girls & blend in... I just did what the first lesbian I met said to do- stopped wearing makeup, cut my hair & got a leather jacket & tried to look less straight... & I was an inauthentic mess that didn't have a chance because I didn't even look right like that in addition to not having social skills. One time, I was so excited to finally have a date but it turned out the girl I liked was married & I hadn't thought to ask because she said it was a date... I didn't know until we went back to her place & her husband was home! I feel like anyone else would have read the tea leaves! I really, really, really think a lot of things get better as you get older, though, and just live longer and have time to find people who get you and love you even more because of your quirks! I was definitely a litmus test & brought out the worst or best in people when I tried to date or have relationships & in the end, I about ended up with someone just completely out of my league in every way & incredibly kind, someone that makes every day better. But omg I'm 48 now & I'm a very late bloomer (I met her like 10 years ago) & I do have friends that understand me, people who have kind of taken me in who don't expect things from me that I don't have to give... It just can take us more time, & honestly, it's just easier one on one than trying to drop into a whole group, unless it's interest-based. Almost all of my friends are INFJ's and some are from common interests, often teachers...who I imagine clocked me and took me in. Trying to blend in with people too unlike me only made me more depressed, so I just stopped. And my mental health REALLY dramatically improved! This was especially true with queer circles, for some reason. I hope I can give you (or anyone who relates this that might read this) some hope, because I've seen other videos from you & I have a similar way of thinking, similar challenges, similar trauma, similar issues with depression & isolation and I had to work really hard but have a good & safe life where I am mostly able to just be me and feel weird sometimes but alright!
i call myself stupid all the time to cope with being frustrated with myself too its hard cuz saying "thats just how i am" sounds like a cop-out but it really is just how i am..... i dont WANT to be bad at existing because it makes me unhappy too but here we are i think also the fact that i make dumb decisions on a whim more frequently than other people gave me a reputation in a couple circles that i wasnt proud of but fortunately ive moved on from those cuz i do have positive qualities and im told that i do but its hard to see them when im constantly missing appointments or getting lost or misreading someone's communication or using a rude tone when i dont want to or whatever because it makes me feel like im being That Guy. and i know plenty of people who are That Guy who are autistic and im like "what makes me any different" well i listen to criticism for one but i also struggle to actually improve because a lot of my mistakes arent easily fixed like that idk where im going with this but tldr this is relatable
I'm very familiar with the feeling of self-cringe/ please let the ground open up & swallow me/ let me blink out of existence/ etc!! I get a physical feeling when I realise, a bit like if you touch an electric fence & it grounds through you & then the shame kicks in...💚
I think it makes a lot of sense for you to experience this sort of self-judgment given the mix of internalised ableism we all have to some extent and also how harsh your family was with you growing up… it’s hard finding acceptance and compassion for oneself growing up undiagnosed autistic in an abusive family 😕
Honestly I Feel As Though Self Esteem Is The Biggest Challenge That ANY Of Us With Any Form Of Difference Struggle With, On That Particular Note The Biggest Challenge To It Has To Be Society At Large For Every One Person Or Place That Exists (Anywhere) That Is Supportive, Tolerant, Compassionate Etc. There's 100 More That Are Just Total A**holes To Us For Something That Is Not Our Fault And That There Is No Medical Way To 'Fix" (Apologies For The Use Of Word 'Fix' As If We Were Broken) 😒
Hi, I have a question. When should I tell someone that I think I have autism? I've been learning about it for a week, and I've started to notice things that I do or have done before that could be associated with autism. Like stimming, I always have to touch something or have to move, and I've noticed no one else doing stuff like this besides me. I have to make noises or talk to myself when alone or with someone I'm comfortable with. I have random moments where I just feel extremely overwhelmed, not feel like talking, extremely anxious, light-headed, start breathing heavily, etc. Like if I'm doing an activity with other people or sometimes just randomly while I'm walking in a public space (I think this could be overstimulation or a sensory overload). I have bad social problems, like I just can't understand people sometimes, overshare, I can't fit in because people think I'm weird, I have lots of miscommunications and sometimes can't form sentences, etc. I also struggle to do basic things like make my bed, brush my teeth, make simple decisions, and sometimes shower. I've done things like this my whole life, and I don't know why. I just want to know why I do things like this, and I think that I might actually be autistic. What should I do?
I feel constantly embarrassed… even if nothing embarrassing happens, I’m so used to it that it’s like my default mode. I’m 45 and I was thinking today about how I’ve never felt grown up, and I never will, which made me sad. The demands of life caught up with me at 17 and I’ve never progressed much past that age. I have a great group of friends that I see regularly but not too often. 😆 about 1-2x’s per month. It has taken me over a year but I can feel comfortable around them sometimes… which is saying a lot for me. I’m usually analyzing everything and trying to keep up with social cues and still finding myself in social situations I don’t understand… but fortunately I’ve been able to relax a little around these new friends. I don’t want to diagnose anyone but I would say over 1/2 of them are neurodivergent… and I know for sure some are and many have kids on the spectrum. And don’t feel too bad about misgendering someone… unless you’re doing it on purpose 😊 I have had this problem with some people… but not trans people. Maybe it’s my autism but there have been a handful of people that I would habitually use the wrong pronouns for.. and they had stereotypical gender identities. I did it to one guy so much that I explained that I was autistic and couldn’t stop calling him her and that he didn’t actually seem like a woman to me but for some reason my brain was glitching out. It would be nice to know if other autistic people have had this experience. ❤
alright my story: In anatomy and fysiology in the first year of nursing school the professor made a joke. (this kind of lectures are given to all year 1 students at once so around 150 students in 1 room) It was one off those jokes you get it immediatly or you only get it after 5 times explaining and then it not being funny anymore.. I found it hillarious and could not for the live of me stop giggeling. The professor was like guess she is the only one who gets it. 149 people all staring at me waiting for the explanation off what the hell is so funny. Gosh still feel flustered when thinking back to it. What I also dislike about this memory is I don't remember the joke itself only that is was a wordjoke. After littarly 6 times explaining the joke the other students got it. And ofcourse they did not see what so funny about it was.
Oh I FEEL you on this, when I was about 14 my physics teacher made an accidental double entendres and then made me explain to him and the class why I was giggling. In fairness, he seemed equally embarrassed when he realised
I definitely understand. Autism activists say it's a superpower and if there were a pill that cured autism, they would never take it. I would. I'm tired of living at 90 degrees to the world. I would love to fall love and get married, raising children together with the woman of my dreams. but I'm 64 and never had a serious relationship. I have too much trouble forming relationships. I've built up a comfortable life, but it's not the life I wanted. I wish I could reset and start over as somebody else. Somebody who can make connections. Somebody someone could fall in love with. But like I say, I'm comfortable where I am now. If not happy, at least maybe resigned and at peace.
Thank you for sharing! It is difficult, I don’t want to be dependent on relationships/other people in order to be happy, but a lot of the time happiness does stem from having relationships and doing things with people. Then I end up wondering how much of that is just because of how society is set up to not cater to people doing things and being alone.
I was out with coworkers at a newish job and I got along with them really well, I was making friends for the first time since I was a kid (I'm also your age) and we went to a Flammkuchen restaurant (German / Alsatian-French pizza) which had outdoor seating right next to a busy street in front of the castle where all the tourists are etc. etc. It was also summer, and I can handle cold, but not heat, and I can't stand insects especially buzzy insects, double especially wasps, triple especially when then fly around my head and the source of the buzzing changes ears. But I went into this trying my absolute hardest to come across sociable and have a good time and it just didn't work out. The general noise was wearing me down and then wasps started to swarm our table and land on the food and fly around and I was losing my grip more and more and wasn't really aware of it cause I was so focussed on masking. Long story short I had a meltdown in public, in my mid 20s, in front of dozens of people in a busy tourist area. I don't remember my meltdowns, so it was my coworkers afterwards who told me what happened and I felt so bad. I told one of them the equivalent of "Shut the fuck up" and I was eloping and getting up from the table to get away from the wasps and walking around the dining area and everyone was staring etc. etc. After that I just shut down completely, I couldn't talk I didn't look at people I just stared blankly into the distance. I also don't remember shutting down but my coworkers held my hand and led to me the car and drove me home. I'm honestly lucky my coworkers were nurses and dealt with patients acting out before and didn't really overreact in the moment but it was still incredibly embarrassing to hear about in bits and peices for months afterwards and made me feel infantalised and freakish and weird and like happiness and friendship are things I'm not deserving or even capable of having On top of that I know I shouldn't be ashamed of it but I'm non-binary and sometimes stick out because of it, and it all just compounded in that moment and gave me the overwhelming feeling of being a freak, the village weirdo that everyone will be telling their friends about when they get back from holidays. Sometimes I wonder if I identify as non-binary cause I feel too alien to identify as a woman, like that's too normal and I need my little freak lable cause nothing else fits. It's permanently ruined my self-esteem (and caused other mental health problems I probably can't mention in a UA-cam comment) and I haven't really done anything in a group social setting since
I've never related this much to a video before. I've recently started going to autism groups and meeting autistic people at events and I thought I would finally find my people there but then I still felt like the odd one out. I related to most of them to some extent but I didn't find the type of recognition that I hoped for and yearned for for such a long time. I hate the way I behave in any social situation, even when I just leave my house and don't talk to anyone I just hate the way I exist out there. I haven't seen any progress in this area either, I've been in therapy for ages mainly for (autism induced) social anxiety and nothing has helped me. I know on some level that people don't care, none of it matters, why should I care, people might not even notice and even if they do so what? etc. But I do care so much and I never enjoy myself because when I'm out I am anxious and hate the way I act, when I get home I am anxious and involuntarily go over the things I said, and when I don't I am anxious because I am preparing the next social situation to prevent things going wrong again (unsuccessfully). Discovering I was autistic was the hardest pill to swallow because it meant my social anxiety wasn't just in my head and it meant I had valid reasons to be anxious because I do have real social deficits and it's not going to change either because I'll always be autistic and I'll always struggle with these things
The irony of you thinking people have it more together than you, when I think the same thing about myself 😅Be kinder to yourself...or else =.= I guess the most embarrassing thing I can share that I won't cringe at is the many times Ive kneeled down to pet a dog running at us, only for the dog to run right past me 😭
omg. Have you ever stopped to pet a dog, and it was stopped but just didn't like you? This is the worst... like they are supposed to like everybody. lol. And, most autistic people seem to get on great with dogs... Not me though! I think they also have social rules I don't get.
11:00 oh .... yeah ..... that's why i couldn't get close to that group of people .... because i was behaving like i already was close to them (by copying their behavior) ..... but it doesn't work like that .... i don't actually know the steps of getting close with people.... especially if it's like a whole group...
Wish I could talk about these things as well as you can... You should be proud of yourself. But I get it, if you take on my praise and feel proud of yourself, the lurking imposter syndrome will kick in immediately. Oh, life is complicated. Keep up your good spirits and focus on what you feel good about.
I feel you. I can relate to the isolation this community fines themselves in quite a bit although I haven't been diagnosed myself. Escapism is a hell of a drug though and I've been high on my own supply for way too long. Unfortunately, over the generations of my lifetime, normal people have only gotten more conceited and judgmental and generally just negative. And I know at this point the majority of this problem is not caring enough on my part. I don't mean to be disrespectful when I tell people this, but nobody wants to be in a situation where you have to tiptoe about around a bunch of triggers and that seems to be all that exists.
Please show how you do your hair! I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal but I am terrible at doing things with my hair so it’s always in a ponytail. This hurts after a while and your hairstyle looks to prevent that scalp pain while keeping the mass of your hair out of the way, it looks really adorable while being practical. Being autistic sucks and trying to find a suitable low-maintenance hairstyle is a chore that has been put off for too long. So please please please show how you are managing to make your hair do that, thank you! Edit: Also I really relate to you, besides the similar age, we have gone through a lot of the same things socially. Here’s my embarrassing story, before I knew I was autistic and while I was out in the dating scene, I was masking so hard during a date with a girl that I wanted to go so well and because I masked so hard she thought I was a totally different person than I am and I got overwhelmed and I just shut down when she left our date suddenly. I sipped a Jamba Juice alone in a nearly empty mall. She also didn’t want Jamba Juice, and I was just trying to share something I like with her and she used that to assess me as a person in the worst way possible.
Saaaaaame!!! Like you said "there's always one, and the one is always me" Too many embarrassing stories to count, but if it helps... Had to go to A&E cos I got bitten by a dog. When they asked me where I'd been bitten, I told them the name of the town where I'd been bitten instead of the body part 😂 And my sense of direction is so shite I literally have do a google maps pin drop wherever I park my car. Even to go in the supermarket. I get lost in peoples houses coming back from the toilet ffs. And every time I leave a Dr's appt I walk the wrong way 😂 "Er it's this way madam. Y'know, the way you just came from!?"
It's one thing to intellectually know that it's alright to be autistic, and another to properly feel it & know it in your bones, I guess? I def grew up with a feeling of being irreparably messed up and unlikable in my DNA somehow. Abusive parents & marriage (was closeted gay & trans btw) etc. were large factors. I was always trying to be normal and meet whatever expectation but I am too gay and silly, lmao. Unapologetically leaning into it has been a long process but feels really powerful Something that hit home hit home for me is that nobody is so special that they are more valuable and deserving than anyone else. It goes in the other direction too. Nobody is so especially socially "damaged" and awkward that they are not deserving of kindness and acceptance, including my goofy lil autistic ass 🤷♂
Damn, in my senior year in high school, I was in a Broadcast and Journalism class (a class where you record videos and deliver news reports for the school paper essentually) and I saw this really cool group of friends while there! I was thinking of talking to them at some point because they seemed to generally have similar interests to me (like nerdy stuff like video games, books, all that kind of stuff). I was thinking, "What could go wrong?" 😂 Like sure, I have the tendency to completely bomb at social situations and meeting new people lol but this was a "low risk" type of thing I thought. (I now suspect i have autism and social anxiety, which would explain the many fuck ups i make when engaging with people 😅) But anyways, when I overheard them talking about Five Nights at Freddy's and their love/nostalgia for it; I decided to bud in and say "oH, I LiKe FnAF tOo" and just the worst awkward silence I ever felt in my entire life insued... They just looked so confused and kinda concerned funnily enough. I was like "god damn, how could this happen?? They seemed cool? They still might be, tho. Maybe it was the way I said it??? Did I sound like a corn ball or something!!?? You GOT TO BE more strategic with your word choices dude... Whatever happened, it has to be on ME, right?" It got so bad, In 3 minutes, I basically ran out of the room cause the pressure was way too much and pretty nauseating. But all this rambling to say; I perfectly relate to this idea of being the odd one out and just fumbling the bag in social situations/ doing embarrassing stuff. Even though the event is pretty funny in hindsight to me, it genuinely screwed me up for a while. It also made me think of the amount of times I probably met the "right" combination of people who saw my social struggles and accommodated and included me regardless, but this was not one of those times 🤔 (again sorry for the long comment)
I have a lot of embarrassing stories. But, I think this one might make you laugh and feel in good company. I was at lunch with my bilingual ex-partner one fine day. She discovered that the waitress was Mexican and spoke Spanish, so she started chatting away with the waitress. I didn't understand much, but got self-conscous when they obviously started talking about me, and then to tease me. I was getting that awkward feeling but trying to be cool about it. You know, masking. But I was getting a spinning feeling of being on the spot and confused. Finally the waitress turned to apologize for the teasing and make nice, and she stuck out her hand to pat mine. Without thinking (at all) I took her hand and kissed it. That's it. I kissed her hand like she was royalty. My auto-pilot glitched out and I kissed a stranger's hand. That was about six years ago, and I still laugh and I still cringe. I have another story about my recent trip to the gynecologist, but that's prolly to much. Let's just say, I can say and do some pretty off the wall things when under pressure or too nervous. I did make the doctor laugh though. And I am going to be cringing and laughing over it for a long time. Thank you for expressing your feelings. I am here in sympathy.
Sharing my experience but also wanted to take a sec to acknowledge that I've never felt generally disliked. Is that bcs I was missing/ignoring social cues that would indicate that and instead only seeing the positive? Possible. But I also have the privilege that most people just generally like me upon seeing/meeting me. Which most would consider unexpected bcs I'm a visibly queer, effeminate trans man. I give props to my generally cheery demeanor and having a pleasant resting expression (trained myself into that since childhood). That said... I've found that there are definitely some people that make you feel worse for social faux-pas than others. Thankfully I managed to get in on the ground floor of a friend group when I started uni and as time has gone on, we've all seen each other grow and change and accept our life difficulties more and with those people, I don't feel like social faux-pas are a big deal, bcs they just have less things that are faux-pas. Some people just have less social rules or have analyzed them (I'd recommend being friends with someone who studied sociology). I've also found that it's actually not my desire to be palatable or pleasant all the time. I think part of my ""over thinking"" came from the desire to people-please, which makes sense- people want to feel liked and therefore do what they can to feel liked. I'm very grateful that I have a support group that has allowed me to let go of feeling like everyone needs to like me, and has instead allowed me to make more real and valuable friendships, and I hope everyone gets to have a friendship like that.
I hope this isn't too "toxic positivity"-y. I've just really been struggling with one of my closest friends who isn't part of that group and wanted to share something nice instead. But I have also been feeling like shit that I'm autistic and will always be bcs of that friend. I've had such a personal growth grind mindset for years bcs I thought I was just dealing with depression and needed to change and be a better person so I would l and others would like me more. And I'm not saying that changing is bad. But feeling like you perpetually have to change bcs no one is accepting of you is one of the more draining aspects of autism.
most poetry is shite imho 😂 or more like, it might be the single most subjective type of art out there, when some does touch me on some rare occasion it's incredible, but most of it is just meh 🤷
I'm in my 30s, I completely relate. Everyone I interact with and everywhere I go, I feel like an observer. I know several autistic individuals who seemingly blend in without effort, have numerous interests that they can speak expertly of, and they can hold the attention of anyone they desire. Meanwhile, I can struggle to remember names, dates, terms, and details of the few passions I have and come across as a bumbling fool... They can seemingly go into new environments with little hesitation, while I need more time to acclamate. I constantly feel gaslit by everyone. I was unaware I was autistic until I turned 32... I assumed it was all related to me having ADHD. AuDHD is one hell of a combo. I wish I had advice, but instead, I can only relate. My heart goes out to you 🫶
Very relatable Dana!! Thank you for sharing your life with us. It makes me feel less alone. I have days where I just can't manage interacting with other humans. I know I act weird at times or say things that come off as blunt and people have questioned my friends about me having mental health issues!! Last week I flirted with a male receptionist at my local polish centre I visit. I assumed he was gay but I dont think he is!! I asked for his number as I work online and wanted to share my business with him. I sent one or two rather flirty texts to him and they were all ignored. Now I keep going around in my head beating myself up for being so intense and whorey with him!!! I have an off switch in my brain that prevents me from seeing someone else's real meanings and intentions!!! Oh well it didn't kill me apart from the embarrassment!! I wish people were more like cats!!
You don't know if you don't try! People don't always announce when they're gay. Sounds like you got the hint quickly when he didn't respond & you did fine! :) Honestly, I've never really asked anybody out, really, I don't think. But I always felt like it must be terrifying & so awful to have to put yourself out there, not knowing if someone would be interested and maybe would say no. I'd DEFINITELY have just been single forever instead of doing that or trying! So, it's brave & good for you! It's just a matter of catching the right person! :) You don't know if you don't try to put yourself out there.
Same. I'm disliked everywhere I go. Even at an Autistic group the other day I upset someone by passing on knowledge that they asked for as they asked a question about it. Turns out that i'm a purple sheep even amongst the black sheep. By the way, I think you're great and I admire your honesty, bravery and the way you convey your thoughts.
I understand Dana. When I hear about neurodivergent married couples with their own successful businesses I just think how? I'm not stupid either but I've not had much support so that life has been so overwhelming and frustrating. It's not right we've not had the chance to use our talents to the full. I do pray that this will change at some point in our lives.❤
UGH! Yes!
If they don't want factual information, why do they pretend to?
Should I ask, "Are you asking for emotional validation or factual information before supplying the requested info?" IDK
I think a lot of people are trying in autistic groups and can ask questions but get overwhelmed with the answer or even have delayed processing... All groups are weird... & there's a lot of processing to do, so I wouldn't worry too much about their reactions as long as your intentions are good! Also, it's so hard in a group because just one person can give you an impression the entire group doesn't like you or get you... but they only represent themselves, really, and they could be wrong! People are all working on their own stuff so try not to worry. Purple sheep are interesting sheep, right?
It’s because we are conditioned to be unlikeable, we radiate that. People see victim behavior. Only if we truly free ourselves from that, things can really change.
Lots of the answer I try to offer that normal people don't like are my honest insight of several topics unique enough that they believe I'm crazy about the topic and often struggle to figure out how the answer can even relate to their question.
Same here.
Story: Once I was a kid and asked a girl with 3 fingers on her right hand how she writes with it. I was 8 years old and was just curious and didn't feel that it could upset her. She didn't answer to me, put her head down, became sad and looked embarrassed. Kids around laughed at her. I didn't have an opportunity to apologize, I've never seen her again.
I felt so bad about it. And feel bad now.
But it was genuine curious and not rude. 🫂 I bet she only felt so ashamed of the others making fun of her. Please, don't feel so bad.
I totally feel you. 😢❤️🩹
You were 8 and had no malice in your heart. This is a world problem... not a you problem. The fact that you remember and have feelings about it shows you really have a good heart.
This kind of experience happened to me many times. Being misunderstood due to our curiosity since other people only expect blame at a certain point and fail to see the good side of humanity. I’ve played both roles before so I know what I’m talking about.
But seriously, you tried your best! You did what you could, you just got to see how much people can be hurt.
I can understand why you would feel so badly about it, but try not to be unfair to yourself. You were a kid and asked an honest question. You didn’t mean harm by it, even if that was the unintended consequence. It’s ok to forgive yourself.
I relate to the fact that the very unsupportive, dismissive upbringing some of us had as Autistics (we become very self-reliant and independent) crosses over when we socialize with other Autistics. I felt almost neuro-typical amongst them, but at the same time relating to everything ABOUT them but nothing really TO them.. a total mind-fuck lol. I'm not so much into "finding my people" these days, rather just relating to those I enjoy being around in the moment. Its kind of transitory but seems to work for me a lot better :))
I still definitely have a big hope of ‘finding my people’, but I’ve learned a lot about the value in just enjoying people as they are! I wouldn’t say I really relate to anyone who attends the church I go to, besides we all have some type of spirituality that aligns with tolerance and acceptance, and it’s ended up being really lovely staying for tea after services and just listening to people chat about their lives and why they’re there and just random small talk.
Just being around people, and being myself, and all of us being quite vastly different in regards to age, class, upbringing, etc. and still being able to just have a nice natter over tea and biscuits has been much more valuable, fun, and taught me way more about myself and how to generally just be than I ever would have expected! I wish there were more opportunities for that type of community away from religion, though I do also really like that Unitarianism welcomes everyone and gives me the chance to have it 😅
Sorry this is so church focused, it’s really just about the community/people and not the place/purpose!
@@DanaAndersen You've Found One Here Dana Level 2 On The Scale And Diverse To Boot With Severe Complex PTSD, I've Absolutely Been Loving Your Channel And Please Do Keep It Up, To Quote One Of My Many Enjoyed Movies "Alone You Are Vulnerable, But If You Work Together As A Team You Can Do Much!" 🥰
I did often think that I only learned things when it was too late
Same girl, same. What has helped me is self compassion. Sometimes I love my autism, sometimes I don't.
I have lots of stories but, to summarise, I didn't know people offer you mints when you have bad breath and I'd always accepted or rejected them according to my desire to take a mint or not. I feel late embarrassment just thinking how many times people insisted so much probably because I had bad breath. I was like yesterday years old when I discovered this. I'm 26.
To be fair, I offer gum or mints to people if they happen to be around when I’m helping myself to them. I wonder if they thought I was communicating they had bad breath lol..
@emilyfaith8051 neurotypical rules are so confusing. It shouldn't be offensive or embarrassing to say "hey, you got bad breath, but don't worry: here's a mint". Then all of us would understand when people are genuinely sharing mints with us!
I'm 60 and went through my entire adult + working life undiagnosed. I was a teacher, though, so I learned lots of strategies to help students that I applied to myself. Since retiring (5 years early, due to adults bullying me), I have realized that my teacher role & masking allowed me to do social events; MOST of my adult life has been ruled by the idea that I need to be a good model for youth, and it helped me power through. Now, on my own, without the role & mask, things have been much more difficult, and I share many of your feelings of failure and frustration.
I have discovered that I cannot do things that others find fun because of the overwhelming sensory issues of restaurants, bars, etc. I prefer to socialize with ONE person; groups are too fucking confusing, and I shut down. My social circle has shrunk considerably, but the handful of real friends I have accept me unmasked. I now spend most of my time with friends outdoors, hiking & kayaking. (I post shorts of my outings here.) I love live music, but I just go to outdoor gigs, where I feel comfortable & safe. I am much happier now that I have stopped forcing myself to take on uncomfortable social situations to fit in when I never will.
Your confusion about poetry is valid. I taught literature to teens for 30 years, and many poems require a LOT of insider knowledge of forms, literary features, and historical movements to understand, but it just doesn't matter! Read poetry you love and leave the rest. If you want a scholarly guide, you can find lots of resources online, but it isn't necessary. Unless you're working toward a degree, there's no need to stress over poetry you don't get.
I have always loved poetry, and I am thrilled at the number of novels and memoirs in verse that are available now. Most of the poetry I love is considered unworthy of attention by lit. scholars, but I don't care, because poetry is about The Human Condition, and "unworthy" poets have saved many. NO student of mine ever claimed that Shakespeare saved their life, but plenty thank the "unworthy" poets for helping them survive!
A uni professor I met early in my career sent me Mary Oliver's "Wild Geese." I taped it to the wall by my bed for many years. It has been helpful to my survival and self-acceptance and to that of many of my students. Maybe you'll like it, too.
Sending you BIG LOVE! Be well.
That poem is really lovely and soothing, thank you for mentioning it
Mary Oliver is lovely! This is some solid advice about socializing & living your life in a way you can handle! I'm so sorry & mortified about the bullying you went as a teacher, because you sound like you'd have been incredible! I always thought interest-based teaching could be a safer profession for us but as a student you don't realize everything a teacher has to do behind the scenes. Although you were masking, I bet you really helped so many kids who had sensory issues or were neurodivergent, without realizing how much. I had a handful of teachers who made such a difference to met that I'm sure I never told.
@@cynthiabrown5456 My approach was student-centered; I encouraged every student to root their coursework in their interests because it's good practice, and my fave teachers did that.
My fave settings to teach & learn are outdoors, so I had outdoor components in my courses--also for mental health benefits for students.
I was a teacher researcher and did a case study with an Autistic student whose friend brought him to my classroom during lunch, and said, "Could we eat in here with you? The cafeteria is too much for my friend." I said yes, and we began a convo about what is good for his friend, and I developed a lifelong relationship with the 2 students and the Autistic student's fam. The helper became an educator.
When I learned of my Autism, I visited with the fam and the teacher. NOBODY was surprised to hear it, and we all had a good laugh about it. It makes so much of my life make sense, and now I can enjoy all the quirks I've been bullied for in PEACE!
I'm glad for doing good work; I'm glad I can now rest.
you’re cool and you’re allowed to be cool.
I second that emotion!
Whenever I need to hear that, I like to sing along to Alice Cooper's "I'm the Coolest." Then I'll feel so powerful, I'll be able to tackle a dreaded task, like calling someone in an office somewhere or getting groceries! LOL!
@@mizotter it's 'Danny Don't You Know' for me!! ♥
So I got brave and went to an arcade with friends once and as we were walking out there were two open doors and a piece of glass in between, I didn't go for either of those doors I walked face first into the glass. My friend tried to play it off like I did it on purpose to be funny and everyone awkwardly went with it. I was 15, I'm 39 now and I still cringe thinking about it and that's the only thing I remember from that day. Giving you this in exchange for your video about arfid,I owe you one, you have helped me a lot
Thank you! 😭 This is exactly what I mean though, my ex did something very similar at a coffee shop and I both haven’t thought about it again until reading this, and as much as I find both funny, I definitely don’t think anything negative/judgemental/mean about either for doing it! I do wonder if it’s because the chances of doing it myself are so high though 😂
Ha! That's so smart. For me, it's usually door jambs & I look around to see if anyone noticed & they pretend I didn't & I feel like a joke would work better! I only do that with my wife though because I know she'l laugh with me! lol
My awkward thing is that I always cross looks with people who are waving at someone across the room but I think they're waving at me, so I wave back and they're like 'uhh, sorry I wasn't waving at you'. And it's just 🙃
I’ve done this so many times I barely even register it as awkward anymore 🥲😅
Hahahaha so relatable 😅
Here's a wave back for all those you didn't receive over the years: 👋😉
Ugh the worst feeling in the world 😩
I can relate, I always seem to be that person in a shop that has the self service checkout malfunction when I use it. And every single time I have to go to the pharmacy to ask for a prescription I always tell myself in my head how I'm going to say it, and I still mess up saying it every single time.
When I changed elementary schools at the age of 10, I came from a very poor school and went to one where all the other kids were rich and pretty. No one would be my friend because I was chubby and poor so finally after 2 years of having no friends, I was playing volleyball in a circle for the first time and the ball was hit far away so I went running after it, unknowingly that it was in a puddle of mud. I slipped while running and got mud all over me, right in front of all the kids I was hoping to make friends with. The school day hadn’t started yet so I had to go to the nurse and wear clothes from lost and found that were adult clothes and so ugly. I can’t express how embarrassed and ashamed I was that day.
Oooh I had a similar one to this, my family moved to Denmark when I was 10 and a few weeks after starting school I convinced my parents to get me the tracksuit all the other kids weee wearing.
I rocked up to school thinking I’d finally fit in, and it ACTUALLY worked! They invited me to play on the climbing equipment and it was all going great, then I slipped and landed on my back.
Head to toe, the back of my body was coated in mud and I locked myself in the toilets for hours until my dad finished work and picked me up 🫠
@ I’m so sorry this happened but thank you for sharing!! It honestly makes me feel a bit better 🥹
The best way which I know to deal with embarrassing situations is just to accept that they happen and let it be a “quirk” rather than a “mistake”. “If you can’t beat it, lead it”. Be the quirkiest of all and be proud of it.
When I’m studying and have to attend 6-8 hours long classes offline, I can use even the smallest break to nap and recharge. Of course after several times people begin to notice and come to ask : “why are you always asleep?” And I just smile and tell them plain truth: “because I feel sleepy/tired” or something like that. Always works.
Or when I meet a new group of people, after asking their names, I just add “I hope I will remember, cause I have terrible memory for names, if no - I may ask again later”
So my motto is “I’m quirky and I know it”😊
'Every loop ever, ever to exist, I'm orbiting far far away'
soooo relatable
I am 34 and self diagnosed and the one thing that got me in this video is that realisation things won't really ever improve. This was a sad realisation I had this year after 2 jobs, one of which was meant to be 'perfect' for me both ending in complete anxiety. And I see other people I admire doing this job that seems easy on the surface and would suit me well but I never want to do it again unless it's for very short stints. So I'm left thinking..it's going to be even harder to find work from now on because I understand myself more and don't want to put myself through anymore stress mainly because it's unfair that other people doing the same work don't feel that
I want to challenge you on your assertion that “things will never improve.” How can you know? Maybe you’ll gain more skills as you continue trying. Maybe you’ll find people who support you. Maybe a situation you once thought was too difficult will become a little easier. Telling yourself now that it’s impossible will *make* it impossible. But continuing to try may make what you want happen.
Speaking as a person who struggles with the same mindset. What helps me is thinking back on things I’ve done that I once thought were impossible. It’s true that the world is largely unforgiving, and there’s no guarantee things will work out. Especially as a neurodivergent person in a world designed against us. But there are loopholes out there, and there is hope.
Embarrassing story that I think about like once a week even though it happened 23 years ago:
I was generally a good student because I hated being in school, but doing the assignments was at least stimulating to my mind sometimes, since I wasn’t really socializing in a normal way. There were some years where I stopped trying, but generally, I got really high grades, and I cared a lot about getting validation from my teachers. My mom was super abusive, so having some positive interactions with adults was important to me during school. And I went to free school (a.k.a. public school in the US), nothing fancy.
So that was the context. I was in world history in sixth grade, 12 years old. We were doing debate, learning about the structure of a debate, with lots of preparation, etc. I was very nervous about it because there is a performative aspect of it, and I hated doing that kind of thing. I prepared very in depth, and I was very passionate about my arguments.
We were arguing about the Israel-Palestine conflict, and I was arguing on behalf of the Palestinian side. I am Jewish, but learning about this topic was very eye-opening to me at the time. I would continue to be very passionate about it in my personal life.
Also, I’m Jewish, and I felt it was important for me to make these arguments in the most well-spoken way I could. I thought that my classmates who were mostly Christian might care about the issue more if one of their Jewish classmates was speaking about it and not speaking from a Zionist perspective.
Welp. I very nervously got through my entire opening statement, had no idea what I had said, I was fully zoned out due to nervousness and anxiety and autism. Every time I was supposed to say Palestine, I said Pakistan. I didn’t even know hardly anything about Pakistan when I was 12, it was just my brain misfiring. I can still picture the way my classmates stared at me and then after an excruciatingly long pause, laughed, and the fact that I was fully disqualified and unable to continue with the debate because of the mistake. Like the teacher asked me to sit out the rest of the activity after that. I felt like such a failure, and it was just because my brain misfired and chose the wrong word in a situation where I was super nervous. I truly felt like no one else in the class was going to represent the history or the ideas or the nuances to the level that I was going to. And they didn’t, to them it was just an assignment. To me it was this big issue of fairness and imperialism and violence and pain, and there was so much emotion in it. And I had personally felt betrayed when I was doing my preparation for the debate, because the issue had always been misrepresented to me. I definitely grew up with a more Zionist narrative being fed to me as the norm. Regardless of what others believe, they should at least be able to have a nuanced spread of the history, hear both sides of the story, that sort of thing. Now I realize it was probably my autistic “outsized” sense of fairness getting triggered really hard. But whatever, just feeling like because I made a mistake outside of my control, I wasn’t allowed to talk anymore, and my ignorant classmates weren’t going to get the info dump I so badly wanted to give them. I felt like I wholeheartedly failed the speech check. I really rolled a nat 1 on that.
I don’t know why this one takes so much time and effort for me to heal from. I can’t even really laugh at it now. I want to be able to, but it is just humiliating and embarrassing. I would never treat someone the way my peers treated me that day. I would be really upset and angry if someone treated my son like that. I don’t think they realized that it was such a blow to my sense of self-worth.
🎉 wheee embarrassing stories
I get it. Our self esteem is bound to take a hit when we're living in an NT world that isn't structured with people like us in mind. I think you seem really cool from what you've shared online, and your special interests are perfectly sound
I relate to all of this so much! You're definitely not alone
It is never ending, and everytime you think you've learnt a lesson and vow not to do it, something always goes awry. It's hard enough keeping things together as it is, when something happens that puts you on the spot or you just feel so stupid for being such an idiot, I hope i manage to get home before I crumble. End up a blubbering mess and self loathing vowing to never speak or go near another human again.
"Get home before I crumble" is a feeling I get sometimes after a social interaction. Not my favorite...
It also sounds like a song title. A country ballad, I think. I like to sing those. A song is a good safe space for emotional processing for me.
@mizotter I do that in the car, sometimes singing out helps, sometimes i break down faster
@@MorbinNecrim86 Emotions are so unpredictable! Whether I weather them, melt down, or shut down, I don't fear or fight it. I know that I'm not losing my mind or dying. I try to give myself safe space and time to recover & get on with it when I'm able. I am thankful to a therapist who taught me to sit with emotions, observe, and trust their temporary nature. Emotions are like weather: ever-changing.
@mizotter it's sometimes difficult when they rock in like a hurricane without warning though. I am more accepting of emotions than I used to be though, I used to do my best to stuff them down and be as much like a robot I could be.
I was with a group of autistic people recently and we were talking about family struggles.
I wanted to share something gross my uncle (who I live with) does, because he's literally the grossest, weirdest, most intolerable person I know and just living with him makes me feel dirty and insecure although I haven't figured out why I am embarrassed by HIS awful behavior and habits.
So I said it's probably TMI and everyone said it's fine, one person said "I don't believe in TMI" and then I proceeded to say the thing and they all freaked out and gagged and told me to stop but for some reason once the floodgates were open and I was talking about it, I couldn't stop, I had to finish and put the cherry on top...
And now it has been flashing through my mind since then, making me hate myself and the only thing I can say to console myself (which doesn't even work half the time) is that no one probably remembers because we were having a great time till then and they still hang out with me so they probably don't hate me.
Great story :)
"I don't believe in TMI."
"Hold my beer..."
If ur comfortable sharing again, im so curious now what he did. Its ok if not
I think a couple of things are going on in the autistic community. You have those who were able to pass as neurotypical. They have a different set of social skills and life experiences than those who have not passed as neurotypical.
Also in groups within the autistic community. You use a term that was perfectly acceptable just six months ago and if you use it now you will be interrupted mid sentence. So if you are not part of the cool kids group then there is this additional layer between you and the community.
Hello!! I watch your videos very often because i experience being autistic very simlarly. With scial evens i truly do relate. I'll share my progress ive made throughout the past 5 years.
I went and looked for queer events with music i really enjoyed, in the hopes of connecting with people my age who are like me, which i was successful in, yet i still felt out of place even within safe spaces, because i am so authentically me without trying to. I have made great friends but also find myself just outside of friend groups and well assembled social circles, even within my family. Keep working towards your journey of self acceptence, which is so hard as a queer autistic person, because we are so conditioned into trying to change into what society expects us to do (with jobs, school, hobbies etc)
its a long journey trying to accept that sometimes im capable of social stuff, and other times i need many days to recover from these. You're doing great by continuing to pursue your own interests by going to poetry nights and queer events, and im incredibly proud of your progress socially. and to anyone reading this struggling with the same, you're not alone!! theres many out there, autistic or not, struggling to find foot socially in our continously individualistic society. stick together, we are great!!
Yes to all of this! Well said!
"Always orbiting somewhere far away" (not sure if I got that exactly right but around that part) connected with me so well and just hit me like a ton of bricks, because that is EXACTLY how I feel when I'm around other friend groups/social circles. They have their own in-jokes and relationships, and meanwhile here I am, feeling more like an outsider looking in, casually observing from miles away. There is a deep sense of separation from myself and others, like a language barrier, an invisible wall if you will. And it sucks SO MUCH, because I _want_ to be there, I _want_ to be part of the group! But I feel like I never can, because I'll never understand, and people can't understand me either.
Thank you so so much for this video, I have never felt so seen and heard. ❤♥🧡💛💚
Oh yes, I empathise a lot with this! I've always feel like the odd one out and don't know how to fit in as well as having that fear of being perceived as weird (as well as just generally being seen, which is bad enough). I didn't know I was autistic until a few months ago, so I've just got on with it similarly, I guess, to you - there's no support available if no-one knows there's something to support, so you have to find a way to do the stuff you can't actually do without a lot of effort and energy.
Ruminating is a fact of life (for me at least), it doesn't take up loads of my time, but when I think about a thing or when there's nothing going on and those kinds of thoughts can creep up on you, it's difficult not to do.
I really enjoy your videos, it's great to find someone having similar experiences and even though I figure I'll be having the same difficulties forever, it's good to feel like I'm not alone. One of the best things about finding out I'm autistic has been discovering there's a whole community of other folk with similar experiences and that makes a huge difference to me having spent forever feeling like a uniquely weird person.
I'm in a perpetual state of just trying not to appear as anxious as I am, so as not to make others uncomfortable, cause I don't wish this on anyone.
Oof the bit about not knowing how escalate into friendy interactions in a new group at an acceptable pace hits home in a painful way
I have moments when I wish I wasn't autistic when it comes to wishing I could do things. I do alternative things to doing things like wanted to go to a concert, but watched it on UA-cam instead. I like poetry Dana! ❤
I would really love to hear you do a video about college (if there's enough for you to talk about to make into a video). I'm right at the end of my first semester and there is SO much work being piled onto me (I go to art school and every project for all of my classes is literally something so time consuming and intricate) and it is driving me INSANE !!!!!! so it would be really helpful to hear more about your perspective on college as someone with autism (as I believe this is only making it worse for me). Thanks for all of the videos you make, I have been watching for a while now and they are always SO helpful and validating :) 🙌🙌
Oooooh, if you search on my channel I did a video years ago called something like ‘I’m a college drop out’. I’m not entirely sure how relevant it’ll be for you because my experience is from almost a decade ago, and with you saying semester I’m assuming you’re at an American college, while college in the UK is from ages 16-18, so university is more comparable to the American college experience, and I didn’t manage to make it that far 🫠😅
@@DanaAndersen OH okay wow that changes so much I had no idea lmao. and yes I was talking about american college and this is the first semester of my first year of (hopefully) four. Thank you for clearing that up 🙏🙏
School was always like that for me. I couldn't keep up with all the work.
god I am embarrassed every time I try hugging someone (with consent) but they want a side hug and I go in for a full hug because I don't process their angle/body language and so for the next like hour I just sit there embarrassed.
For real, I'm getting to a point where I just don't want to touch anybody. Idk, I do want to tho. I would really like to sit next to my family on the couch without feeling horribly awkward.
Thank you so much for posting this! Its a topic that people dont really talk about, like were supposed to talk positive about ourselfs but it can be really hard especially when your living with yourself. I know its silly but sometimes i wish we could escape our own brain. It does really feel that other people who are also struggling have some type of control but it gets overwhelming. It always feels like you dont fit in even though you have a nice group of friends and i feel as though i could have the best life but something will always feel off, in a way that it feels that i dont know how to exist and live as a human.
Anyways sorry for the rant, but i just wanted to say thank you! 💕
THanks Dana. I'm really sick of being me, too.
Thank you Dana. your videos are very helpful. I feel as thought i've experienced very similiar situations.
akward thing recently was spotting a plastic sign on a street light talking about an autism open awareness event.
i registered and attended, but felt like a complete alien imposter. like even though it was for autistic people. i myself shouldn't have attended or i should have tried to find someone to bring. which i probably wouldn't have been able to do since almost every friend i have is online.
before it even started i kept thinking someone was going to ask me to leave or something because i stood out. sitting there in my black hoodie with a rainbow autism pin, black sneakers, black school bag. (which did contain a copy of my CV just in case a question like that came up.)
Everyone else was wearing fancy suits.
in the end it was for local businesses to be more aware about autistic people.
and while it was great. I felt very out of place and in the end didn't really get all that much from it.
but at the same time. its focus was more for younger people with autism. which is Perfect. gonna upset myself saying this. but its good they can get help while younger unlike myself having to suck it up until my adult life when i could figure out how to get tested for it. instead of being called lazy alot.
still I recongized one of the autism groups AsIAm. even seen their founder. if i was brave enough at the time i would have thanked them for their hard work.
but i felt a bit too much out of place..
AsIAm they helped me with FAQ's and docuemnted user experiences.
You and me both
I think a recurring thing I've done as an adult was showing to company parties on time, and just having that awkward walk around for like half an hour while my anxiety is spiking sky high, waiting for people to show up, and then having to leave 15 minutes later because I can't take it anymore and look a total fool
I wouldn't mind it so much if I didn't get cringe attacks every time I recall the situations
It's ok, Dana, if its any comfort it's always me too.
Hey Dana. Just found your channel and I'm so glad I did! Relate to loads of what you said - feeling behind, stupid and closing in on yourself in group situations where you don't really know where you stand in the group / you've not got to know people enough to be comfortable speaking and chatting freely; that's my take anyway. Excited to watch your other vids and future vids too :)
I do relate to this Dana. And it instantly made me think of a time not so long ago when I effectively misgendered someone because I liked them and got over enthusiastic about hopefully seeing them again so I invited them to something that their gender was not part of. I did just apologise and move straight on with our conversation, but I HATED myself for being such an idiot later on and whenever I think of it, so yeah.
My personal theory around this is that the shame/embarresment is an echo of masking. It's like being watched by the external mask-judge that used to be a part of trying to be normal. Seeing ourselves from the outside through a harsh normie lens to figure out any mistake we might be punished for.
I don't think it's possible to remove it completely, but I've added lots of different lenses and it's kinda fun to play around with them. In public places with strangers I just embrace being a whimsy manic pixie dream girl. Even if I'm actually annoying 😅 being "that person" is also a delicious revenge on dumb social norms. I'm too busy observing everyone else and seeing patterns.
Like today I almost went into the men's bathroom at a concert because I didn't see the other door. A dude almost did the opposite when I went through the right door😅
One the things that I admire about you is your bravery in taking on challenges when you're pursuing your interests and passions.
You're 5 years younger than me and I'm AuDHD too.
I do hear you on being hindered by your neurodivergence and that is so valid but at least you don't let the hindrance stop you from pursuing what you want to.
If I had your gumption, I'd be fucking proud of myself. If I didn't have to walk my dog, I wouldn't leave the house.
Getting frustrated by yourself is fair enough but you make a big effort to learn and about yourself and the world so one day you'll be a wise old owl (that probably still stacks it in public sometimes) and that might feel a bit more comfortable. That's what I try to tell myself anyway 😂😊
Thanks for your honesty on here - I always look forward to your videos ⭐️
I can relate so much! or well kinda. I went to a concert the other day and I got so confused so easily when they were showing me where to go and was so awkward when I met the band members and it's been going round and round in my head
I also over think every dumb social interactions and I just feel so anxious when I get home after a long social event day
Look at that hair though! 👯♀️✨
oof this hits hard tonight.. I had a 'shoot I am talking too much; interaction with a flatmate, then I wanted to do a thing I was making at a maker space and there was a social gathering.. and I just ended up in a corner sorting a socket set and feeling the awkwardness so hard and not even doing what I wanted to do.. People were nice.. but I felt so unable to fit in and be.
I sometimes just never want to engage with people, since sometimes it fun, but then the differnce pops out and it's me who really feels it.
Thanks for existing and posting ❤
If I tried, I could probably have kept track of all the times I fell down and got laughed at for it. It feels like about the same amount of times I fell down and someone asked if I was ok.
Story of my life!
Something I've read that's really helped me is "grant yourself the grace and sympathy you extend to others". Basically be as kind to yourself as you are to other people.
I reckon realising that ‘you are who you are’ has to be the first step to accepting it though? I had the same “everyone is okay except me” for most of my life! I realised that actually, those of us who care to question what our issues are and try to learn from our mistakes are doing far better than those who ignore theirs, if that makes sense?
The most horrible people I’ve met are the least likely to look at themselves and try to do better. You are not overthinking, you’re practicing self-reflection🥳 because you care about other people’s feelings, beliefs etc. Maybe it’s an Autism thing but it’s fine. You keep being Dana❤
I really understand where you’re coming from. The sense of separation and shame I’ve felt from what I perceived as “failed” social interactions is so immense. And what neurotypicals consider “overthinking” is unfortunately a feature of autism in my experience. For neurotypicals, socialization is automatic, whereas for neurodivergent people, it is a manual process. This leads to a depth of analysis that can be paralyzing and shame-fueling. Others don’t really get it.
In moments where the shame becomes unbearable, I try to be gentle with myself. Becoming more socially aware has helped me to prevent embarrassing situations and the shame spirals outright, but mistakes still happen. I try to handle them with grace, and be really forthright with others when I feel I’ve done something “weird” like you’ve described. But I try not to be self-deprecating about it, both because it’s harmful to my own self-esteem, and because it makes others uncomfortable.
fyi I’m speaking as someone who isn’t diagnosed autistic, but I definitely believe I am neurodivergent.
12:40 I live in fear of encountering you in the wild and then introducing you to a companion as "This is Dana She's a… SHITE, THEY'RE A UA-camR! OMG I'M SCARLET! I HAVE BROUGHT DISHONOR UPON MY ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY! FORGIVE MY HUBRIS!".
Yeah, this one hits like a truck.
16:18 "If you fancy sharing an embarrassing story or two:" -> Sorry, not in my wheel house. I once called the teacher dad, politely waited for the class to stop laughing, then said "sorry, Mr. [name forgotten]…" and then resumed asking my question. Sure, there are things that keep me up at night in hindsight, and I obviously get anxious about what might happen, see above. But in the heat of the moment come hell or high water I will not blush!
As much as I SO TOTALLY GET IT, I’d also definitely find it funny and either not think about it or just lightly think about it in like a positive that was a kinda funny reaction way you know? And I’m so logically sure that’s how it must be for most other people, but I can’t emotionally convince myself of that 😭
Ahhh I called teachers mum so many times it stopped phasing me at all, I think I also got lucky in finding a lot of things I should have found embarrassing quite funny, and thought people were laughing with me not at me 😅
Dude I can’t understand accents so frequently n I feel so terrible about it
I work at a pizza place and we have this Australian guy who comes in occasionally. it takes me like 3 times as long to hear, understand, and reply to whatever he's saying; simply because of his accent. It makes me feel, gross? Like I'm doing something wrong by struggling to comprehend him.
Shame is so hard to work through. I wish I had some sort of advice for it, but 🤷♀️
Lately, I’ve tried to just own it, without self deprecating, if possible. “Do I sound irritated? I can’t tell how my tone is coming across.” Just neutral facts, I tell myself… doesn’t always help though…
My whole life, I’ve been an observer. As a fly on the wall, there is so much to take in without participating. Maybe that’s part of why I can only fully participate under very specific circumstances.. but being such an avid observer had led to several awkward circumstances.
In 8th grade, I was a goth kid. There was a goth group that I was semi apart of, but not a core member of the friend group. Mostly because I lack social skills and didn’t know how to insert myself. Anyway, one of the guys from that group was in my English class. We both sat in the back of class, but on opposite sides of the room. And I kept finding myself staring at him, which means I was looking fully to my left and it was incredibly obvious. I wasn’t even daydreaming about him or anything, AND I really liked that teacher and paid attention to class. So how come I keep finding myself full on facing this guy EVERY DAY? Let me be clear, he was the person in the group I was the least close to. We’d barely had a conversation. But he was interesting and I didn’t understand him. One day, to my horror, I had fully turned my entire body towards him and had been sitting completely sideways. Honestly, it only stopped because the semester ended. It was so embarrassing…
I really relate to this feeling of being behind in terms of social 'skills'. I was isolated during my childhood (partially by my parents, partially because I had horrible social phobia (which perhaps was caused by my parent's isoliation!)) so whenever I talk to peers today it feels like I'm a kid trying to talk to adults on a level playing field. It's really difficult, but at the same time I don't want to give up on trying and 'catching up' with my peers in terms of social skills. It's not fair to have this disadvantage, but being bitter about it won't solve it either... so I try to stay positive and keep trying, and for what it's worth, I can feel noticeable improvement from where I was just a year ago compared to now. I'ts a long and tedious journy, but its worth it
My wife is one of those stereotypical hypercompetent autistics and I'm more on the "I did laundry today and will need to be under blankets for a week" side of things. Dana describes this experience I often have where I have to remind myself not to compare. I'd call it a "why can't you just [x]" moment but applied to oneself.
i tell myself "i did the best i could with the person i was at the time" and that is my best and is enough so i let it be as you said learned from then i leave it behind me rather than torture myself with the thing
i feel you; i have had the same train of thought as you describe since as long as i can remember. (oh that was embarrassing i'm such a fool oh im so stupid ugh but i wouldnt think that about someone else so why do i get so upset at myself i'm so shitty i need to be better rinse repeat) and this year, i was really trying to stop beating myself up in my head over things like that, it was sapping the joy i was getting from any situation and take me out of the experience and into my own head where i'm just being critical, & the constant self-critique was obviously not helping me improve. so yeah i started very intentionally practicing self-compassion, which I describe as treating myself as though I were a dear friend, at first it helped immensely having my best friend around that would watch me retreat into my head and pull me out of it when we were together. But yeah, deciding on purpose to think of myself as someone I love and want to take care of and wouldn't treat that way; after 11 months I'm still just as awkward and autistic but I find it much much easier to let myself just...exist. Best of luck to you
Hearing this makes my heart hurt for you, I wish you had more compassion for yourself. I used to be the exact same way. I haven't totally overcome it but I've tried to think about my comfort characters and characters who are loveably imperfect and have tried to view myself the same way. This mindset took about 4 years to get it to "stick" but it eventually has gotten me to a place where I can just chuckle at my autistic ass and be like "poor guy, that one was rough" when I mess up and work on gravitating toward people who find my support needs endearing reasonable. Apologies if this doesn't make sense. It's a long process is what I want to say. Try lots of different things. Try imagining yourself as a character that is blatantly imperfect trying to find their place in the world. Sending love.
Apologies in advance for the essay to come, but I like writing, too! I 100% relate that in queer spaces &/or writing spaces, I still feel on the outside and in autistic spaces, I also still feel on the outside. (Sometimes it's because I'm wordy & always do what I'm about to do here. Overshare & write too much. I know the rules but can't follow them, because I care. What if I say something that could help you or someone reading the comment section?) I do think the key to not being so hard on yourself is finding people with the same issues you relate to & seeing how awesome they are, wishing they didn't have to go through that pain because there's nothing really wrong with who they are & realizing, hey, maybe that isn't a disqualified to being a cool person with something to offer & maybe just mindfully applying the concept to yourself. But there aren't as many creators out there like you. I think I have a similar energy level & vibe & there is just no way I could do it! lol I also think discussions around various levels and different needs we may have are nuanced and honestly I'm not sure even if it's ok to bring it up... & that can make it hard to put into words politely how othered we can feel even while we are happy others succeed. I think it's so cool you offer that perspective & discussion, because many of us out here aren't able to present as well as the popular creators & are wondering why or wracking our brains trying to crack the code they cracked! Being late to the poetry event!? (T.S. Idiot is a really funny pseudonym btw!) I can say when I was younger & went to them, I actually wasn't at the point in my social development where I'd have noticed people thought it was rude, & I'd have thought they were being rude for noticing me coming in late instead of paying attention to the speaker. lol. I don't think I understood that there were norms I was violating until my 30's maybe. But, now that I have figured that one out about being late, I'm not able to fix it really, especially if I drive myself (which is pretty difficult for me, & also just leaving the house can be. My only focus can be being safe and worrying about time makes it less safe, so I just can't. I also get turned around easily, especially inside a building.) My more serious embarrassing "being late" story is going to the YMCA, one I'd never been to that was almost an hour away, and having the door slammed in my face because I was 6 minutes late. Then, going in again, since it was just someone in the class that did it, and just hoping the teacher would take mercy on me (because exercise helps me so much with depression & physical pain & I was grieving & just needed to feel good, even for a few minutes). The teacher cast me out loudly essentially & I had this huge public meltdown/grief attack that was so bad one of the employees found a room for me to just go cry in. It was soooo bad and so embarrassing. Gym classes have usually been a safe space, so it was rough. I've always more done meltdowns at home (and not so frequently as I've gotten older) & it was just the worst & I've been afraid to go back. Some teachers are very pro-policy and rule-oriented (& I get it), but others are really kind and encouraging to me. I really never know what I'm going to get there! It was rough and I think it took a couple of months before I went to even my usual gym again, where I had never had problems, and I don't even know why because I could be late there & it didn't matter. To land on a happier note, it sounds like you were trying to dance with someone & maybe fell?? I'm sorry!!! That is rough but the right person (even friend!) will pick you back up. It could be a meet-cute & it's their loss if nobody comes to help you!! :) It was terribly hard when I was young trying to meet girls & blend in... I just did what the first lesbian I met said to do- stopped wearing makeup, cut my hair & got a leather jacket & tried to look less straight... & I was an inauthentic mess that didn't have a chance because I didn't even look right like that in addition to not having social skills. One time, I was so excited to finally have a date but it turned out the girl I liked was married & I hadn't thought to ask because she said it was a date... I didn't know until we went back to her place & her husband was home! I feel like anyone else would have read the tea leaves! I really, really, really think a lot of things get better as you get older, though, and just live longer and have time to find people who get you and love you even more because of your quirks! I was definitely a litmus test & brought out the worst or best in people when I tried to date or have relationships & in the end, I about ended up with someone just completely out of my league in every way & incredibly kind, someone that makes every day better. But omg I'm 48 now & I'm a very late bloomer (I met her like 10 years ago) & I do have friends that understand me, people who have kind of taken me in who don't expect things from me that I don't have to give... It just can take us more time, & honestly, it's just easier one on one than trying to drop into a whole group, unless it's interest-based. Almost all of my friends are INFJ's and some are from common interests, often teachers...who I imagine clocked me and took me in. Trying to blend in with people too unlike me only made me more depressed, so I just stopped. And my mental health REALLY dramatically improved! This was especially true with queer circles, for some reason. I hope I can give you (or anyone who relates this that might read this) some hope, because I've seen other videos from you & I have a similar way of thinking, similar challenges, similar trauma, similar issues with depression & isolation and I had to work really hard but have a good & safe life where I am mostly able to just be me and feel weird sometimes but alright!
i call myself stupid all the time to cope with being frustrated with myself too
its hard cuz saying "thats just how i am" sounds like a cop-out but it really is just how i am..... i dont WANT to be bad at existing because it makes me unhappy too but here we are
i think also the fact that i make dumb decisions on a whim more frequently than other people gave me a reputation in a couple circles that i wasnt proud of but fortunately ive moved on from those
cuz i do have positive qualities and im told that i do but its hard to see them when im constantly missing appointments or getting lost or misreading someone's communication or using a rude tone when i dont want to or whatever because it makes me feel like im being That Guy. and i know plenty of people who are That Guy who are autistic and im like "what makes me any different" well i listen to criticism for one but i also struggle to actually improve because a lot of my mistakes arent easily fixed like that
idk where im going with this but tldr this is relatable
I'm very familiar with the feeling of self-cringe/ please let the ground open up & swallow me/ let me blink out of existence/ etc!! I get a physical feeling when I realise, a bit like if you touch an electric fence & it grounds through you & then the shame kicks in...💚
I think it makes a lot of sense for you to experience this sort of self-judgment given the mix of internalised ableism we all have to some extent and also how harsh your family was with you growing up… it’s hard finding acceptance and compassion for oneself growing up undiagnosed autistic in an abusive family 😕
For me the added layer of cPTSD along with the autism means I don’t fit anywhere, can really relate 😔
I had waffles for dinner. Thanks for the video!
Honestly I Feel As Though Self Esteem Is The Biggest Challenge That ANY Of Us With Any Form Of Difference Struggle With, On That Particular Note The Biggest Challenge To It Has To Be Society At Large For Every One Person Or Place That Exists (Anywhere) That Is Supportive, Tolerant, Compassionate Etc. There's 100 More That Are Just Total A**holes To Us For Something That Is Not Our Fault And That There Is No Medical Way To 'Fix" (Apologies For The Use Of Word 'Fix' As If We Were Broken) 😒
Hi, I have a question. When should I tell someone that I think I have autism? I've been learning about it for a week, and I've started to notice things that I do or have done before that could be associated with autism. Like stimming, I always have to touch something or have to move, and I've noticed no one else doing stuff like this besides me. I have to make noises or talk to myself when alone or with someone I'm comfortable with. I have random moments where I just feel extremely overwhelmed, not feel like talking, extremely anxious, light-headed, start breathing heavily, etc. Like if I'm doing an activity with other people or sometimes just randomly while I'm walking in a public space (I think this could be overstimulation or a sensory overload). I have bad social problems, like I just can't understand people sometimes, overshare, I can't fit in because people think I'm weird, I have lots of miscommunications and sometimes can't form sentences, etc. I also struggle to do basic things like make my bed, brush my teeth, make simple decisions, and sometimes shower. I've done things like this my whole life, and I don't know why. I just want to know why I do things like this, and I think that I might actually be autistic. What should I do?
Same here I hate ever where I go
I feel constantly embarrassed… even if nothing embarrassing happens, I’m so used to it that it’s like my default mode. I’m 45 and I was thinking today about how I’ve never felt grown up, and I never will, which made me sad. The demands of life caught up with me at 17 and I’ve never progressed much past that age. I have a great group of friends that I see regularly but not too often. 😆 about 1-2x’s per month. It has taken me over a year but I can feel comfortable around them sometimes… which is saying a lot for me. I’m usually analyzing everything and trying to keep up with social cues and still finding myself in social situations I don’t understand… but fortunately I’ve been able to relax a little around these new friends. I don’t want to diagnose anyone but I would say over 1/2 of them are neurodivergent… and I know for sure some are and many have kids on the spectrum.
And don’t feel too bad about misgendering someone… unless you’re doing it on purpose 😊 I have had this problem with some people… but not trans people. Maybe it’s my autism but there have been a handful of people that I would habitually use the wrong pronouns for.. and they had stereotypical gender identities. I did it to one guy so much that I explained that I was autistic and couldn’t stop calling him her and that he didn’t actually seem like a woman to me but for some reason my brain was glitching out. It would be nice to know if other autistic people have had this experience. ❤
alright my story:
In anatomy and fysiology in the first year of nursing school the professor made a joke. (this kind of lectures are given to all year 1 students at once so around 150 students in 1 room)
It was one off those jokes you get it immediatly or you only get it after 5 times explaining and then it not being funny anymore..
I found it hillarious and could not for the live of me stop giggeling.
The professor was like guess she is the only one who gets it. 149 people all staring at me waiting for the explanation off what the hell is so funny.
Gosh still feel flustered when thinking back to it. What I also dislike about this memory is I don't remember the joke itself only that is was a wordjoke.
After littarly 6 times explaining the joke the other students got it. And ofcourse they did not see what so funny about it was.
Oh I FEEL you on this, when I was about 14 my physics teacher made an accidental double entendres and then made me explain to him and the class why I was giggling. In fairness, he seemed equally embarrassed when he realised
I definitely understand. Autism activists say it's a superpower and if there were a pill that cured autism, they would never take it.
I would. I'm tired of living at 90 degrees to the world. I would love to fall love and get married, raising children together with the woman of my dreams. but I'm 64 and never had a serious relationship. I have too much trouble forming relationships.
I've built up a comfortable life, but it's not the life I wanted. I wish I could reset and start over as somebody else. Somebody who can make connections. Somebody someone could fall in love with.
But like I say, I'm comfortable where I am now. If not happy, at least maybe resigned and at peace.
Thank you for sharing! It is difficult, I don’t want to be dependent on relationships/other people in order to be happy, but a lot of the time happiness does stem from having relationships and doing things with people. Then I end up wondering how much of that is just because of how society is set up to not cater to people doing things and being alone.
I was out with coworkers at a newish job and I got along with them really well, I was making friends for the first time since I was a kid (I'm also your age) and we went to a Flammkuchen restaurant (German / Alsatian-French pizza) which had outdoor seating right next to a busy street in front of the castle where all the tourists are etc. etc. It was also summer, and I can handle cold, but not heat, and I can't stand insects especially buzzy insects, double especially wasps, triple especially when then fly around my head and the source of the buzzing changes ears. But I went into this trying my absolute hardest to come across sociable and have a good time and it just didn't work out.
The general noise was wearing me down and then wasps started to swarm our table and land on the food and fly around and I was losing my grip more and more and wasn't really aware of it cause I was so focussed on masking. Long story short I had a meltdown in public, in my mid 20s, in front of dozens of people in a busy tourist area. I don't remember my meltdowns, so it was my coworkers afterwards who told me what happened and I felt so bad. I told one of them the equivalent of "Shut the fuck up" and I was eloping and getting up from the table to get away from the wasps and walking around the dining area and everyone was staring etc. etc. After that I just shut down completely, I couldn't talk I didn't look at people I just stared blankly into the distance. I also don't remember shutting down but my coworkers held my hand and led to me the car and drove me home. I'm honestly lucky my coworkers were nurses and dealt with patients acting out before and didn't really overreact in the moment but it was still incredibly embarrassing to hear about in bits and peices for months afterwards and made me feel infantalised and freakish and weird and like happiness and friendship are things I'm not deserving or even capable of having
On top of that I know I shouldn't be ashamed of it but I'm non-binary and sometimes stick out because of it, and it all just compounded in that moment and gave me the overwhelming feeling of being a freak, the village weirdo that everyone will be telling their friends about when they get back from holidays. Sometimes I wonder if I identify as non-binary cause I feel too alien to identify as a woman, like that's too normal and I need my little freak lable cause nothing else fits. It's permanently ruined my self-esteem (and caused other mental health problems I probably can't mention in a UA-cam comment) and I haven't really done anything in a group social setting since
I've never related this much to a video before. I've recently started going to autism groups and meeting autistic people at events and I thought I would finally find my people there but then I still felt like the odd one out. I related to most of them to some extent but I didn't find the type of recognition that I hoped for and yearned for for such a long time. I hate the way I behave in any social situation, even when I just leave my house and don't talk to anyone I just hate the way I exist out there. I haven't seen any progress in this area either, I've been in therapy for ages mainly for (autism induced) social anxiety and nothing has helped me. I know on some level that people don't care, none of it matters, why should I care, people might not even notice and even if they do so what? etc. But I do care so much and I never enjoy myself because when I'm out I am anxious and hate the way I act, when I get home I am anxious and involuntarily go over the things I said, and when I don't I am anxious because I am preparing the next social situation to prevent things going wrong again (unsuccessfully). Discovering I was autistic was the hardest pill to swallow because it meant my social anxiety wasn't just in my head and it meant I had valid reasons to be anxious because I do have real social deficits and it's not going to change either because I'll always be autistic and I'll always struggle with these things
The irony of you thinking people have it more together than you, when I think the same thing about myself 😅Be kinder to yourself...or else =.=
I guess the most embarrassing thing I can share that I won't cringe at is the many times Ive kneeled down to pet a dog running at us, only for the dog to run right past me 😭
I did that a while ago and then realised it was a child in a furry coat 😭😭😭😭 Had to pretend I was tying my shoelace
@@DanaAndersen Ah good thinking 😎
@@DanaAndersen lol that's so smar! quick thinking 👌
omg. Have you ever stopped to pet a dog, and it was stopped but just didn't like you? This is the worst... like they are supposed to like everybody. lol. And, most autistic people seem to get on great with dogs... Not me though! I think they also have social rules I don't get.
@@cynthiabrown5456 Only time I don't really get to pet a dog is when the dog is anxious or the owner is anti social 😅
11:00
oh .... yeah ..... that's why i couldn't get close to that group of people .... because i was behaving like i already was close to them (by copying their behavior) ..... but it doesn't work like that .... i don't actually know the steps of getting close with people.... especially if it's like a whole group...
Wish I could talk about these things as well as you can... You should be proud of yourself. But I get it, if you take on my praise and feel proud of yourself, the lurking imposter syndrome will kick in immediately. Oh, life is complicated. Keep up your good spirits and focus on what you feel good about.
We learn the language of neurotypical people. Sometimes we find eachother but we are speaking the wrong language.
I feel you. I can relate to the isolation this community fines themselves in quite a bit although I haven't been diagnosed myself.
Escapism is a hell of a drug though and I've been high on my own supply for way too long.
Unfortunately, over the generations of my lifetime, normal people have only gotten more conceited and judgmental and generally just negative. And I know at this point the majority of this problem is not caring enough on my part. I don't mean to be disrespectful when I tell people this, but nobody wants to be in a situation where you have to tiptoe about around a bunch of triggers and that seems to be all that exists.
Please show how you do your hair! I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal but I am terrible at doing things with my hair so it’s always in a ponytail. This hurts after a while and your hairstyle looks to prevent that scalp pain while keeping the mass of your hair out of the way, it looks really adorable while being practical. Being autistic sucks and trying to find a suitable low-maintenance hairstyle is a chore that has been put off for too long. So please please please show how you are managing to make your hair do that, thank you! Edit: Also I really relate to you, besides the similar age, we have gone through a lot of the same things socially. Here’s my embarrassing story, before I knew I was autistic and while I was out in the dating scene, I was masking so hard during a date with a girl that I wanted to go so well and because I masked so hard she thought I was a totally different person than I am and I got overwhelmed and I just shut down when she left our date suddenly. I sipped a Jamba Juice alone in a nearly empty mall. She also didn’t want Jamba Juice, and I was just trying to share something I like with her and she used that to assess me as a person in the worst way possible.
Saaaaaame!!!
Like you said "there's always one, and the one is always me"
Too many embarrassing stories to count, but if it helps... Had to go to A&E cos I got bitten by a dog. When they asked me where I'd been bitten, I told them the name of the town where I'd been bitten instead of the body part 😂
And my sense of direction is so shite I literally have do a google maps pin drop wherever I park my car. Even to go in the supermarket. I get lost in peoples houses coming back from the toilet ffs. And every time I leave a Dr's appt I walk the wrong way 😂
"Er it's this way madam. Y'know, the way you just came from!?"
It's one thing to intellectually know that it's alright to be autistic, and another to properly feel it & know it in your bones, I guess? I def grew up with a feeling of being irreparably messed up and unlikable in my DNA somehow. Abusive parents & marriage (was closeted gay & trans btw) etc. were large factors. I was always trying to be normal and meet whatever expectation but I am too gay and silly, lmao. Unapologetically leaning into it has been a long process but feels really powerful
Something that hit home hit home for me is that nobody is so special that they are more valuable and deserving than anyone else. It goes in the other direction too. Nobody is so especially socially "damaged" and awkward that they are not deserving of kindness and acceptance, including my goofy lil autistic ass 🤷♂
Damn, in my senior year in high school, I was in a Broadcast and Journalism class (a class where you record videos and deliver news reports for the school paper essentually) and I saw this really cool group of friends while there!
I was thinking of talking to them at some point because they seemed to generally have similar interests to me (like nerdy stuff like video games, books, all that kind of stuff). I was thinking, "What could go wrong?" 😂
Like sure, I have the tendency to completely bomb at social situations and meeting new people lol but this was a "low risk" type of thing I thought.
(I now suspect i have autism and social anxiety, which would explain the many fuck ups i make when engaging with people 😅)
But anyways, when I overheard them talking about Five Nights at Freddy's and their love/nostalgia for it; I decided to bud in and say
"oH, I LiKe FnAF tOo" and just the worst awkward silence I ever felt in my entire life insued...
They just looked so confused and kinda concerned funnily enough.
I was like "god damn, how could this happen?? They seemed cool? They still might be, tho. Maybe it was the way I said it??? Did I sound like a corn ball or something!!?? You GOT TO BE more strategic with your word choices dude...
Whatever happened, it has to be on ME, right?"
It got so bad, In 3 minutes, I basically ran out of the room cause the pressure was way too much and pretty nauseating.
But all this rambling to say; I perfectly relate to this idea of being the odd one out and just fumbling the bag in social situations/ doing embarrassing stuff.
Even though the event is pretty funny in hindsight to me, it genuinely screwed me up for a while. It also made me think of the amount of times I probably met the "right" combination of people who saw my social struggles and accommodated and included me regardless, but this was not one of those times 🤔 (again sorry for the long comment)
At highschool graduation my cap fell off on stage. Only me out of hundreds of people. :(
We autistics really have the strangest luck.
I have a lot of embarrassing stories. But, I think this one might make you laugh and feel in good company.
I was at lunch with my bilingual ex-partner one fine day. She discovered that the waitress was Mexican and spoke Spanish, so she started chatting away with the waitress. I didn't understand much, but got self-conscous when they obviously started talking about me, and then to tease me. I was getting that awkward feeling but trying to be cool about it. You know, masking. But I was getting a spinning feeling of being on the spot and confused. Finally the waitress turned to apologize for the teasing and make nice, and she stuck out her hand to pat mine. Without thinking (at all) I took her hand and kissed it. That's it. I kissed her hand like she was royalty. My auto-pilot glitched out and I kissed a stranger's hand. That was about six years ago, and I still laugh and I still cringe. I have another story about my recent trip to the gynecologist, but that's prolly to much. Let's just say, I can say and do some pretty off the wall things when under pressure or too nervous. I did make the doctor laugh though. And I am going to be cringing and laughing over it for a long time. Thank you for expressing your feelings. I am here in sympathy.
Sharing my experience but also wanted to take a sec to acknowledge that I've never felt generally disliked. Is that bcs I was missing/ignoring social cues that would indicate that and instead only seeing the positive? Possible. But I also have the privilege that most people just generally like me upon seeing/meeting me. Which most would consider unexpected bcs I'm a visibly queer, effeminate trans man. I give props to my generally cheery demeanor and having a pleasant resting expression (trained myself into that since childhood). That said...
I've found that there are definitely some people that make you feel worse for social faux-pas than others. Thankfully I managed to get in on the ground floor of a friend group when I started uni and as time has gone on, we've all seen each other grow and change and accept our life difficulties more and with those people, I don't feel like social faux-pas are a big deal, bcs they just have less things that are faux-pas. Some people just have less social rules or have analyzed them (I'd recommend being friends with someone who studied sociology).
I've also found that it's actually not my desire to be palatable or pleasant all the time. I think part of my ""over thinking"" came from the desire to people-please, which makes sense- people want to feel liked and therefore do what they can to feel liked. I'm very grateful that I have a support group that has allowed me to let go of feeling like everyone needs to like me, and has instead allowed me to make more real and valuable friendships, and I hope everyone gets to have a friendship like that.
I hope this isn't too "toxic positivity"-y. I've just really been struggling with one of my closest friends who isn't part of that group and wanted to share something nice instead. But I have also been feeling like shit that I'm autistic and will always be bcs of that friend. I've had such a personal growth grind mindset for years bcs I thought I was just dealing with depression and needed to change and be a better person so I would l and others would like me more. And I'm not saying that changing is bad. But feeling like you perpetually have to change bcs no one is accepting of you is one of the more draining aspects of autism.
Story of my life as someone on the spectrum myself.
That is nothing wrong to be yourself, the lyrics of This Is Me by Holly Allison is saying exactly that.
ua-cam.com/video/0-Etlc5eUXQ/v-deo.html
most poetry is shite imho 😂 or more like, it might be the single most subjective type of art out there, when some does touch me on some rare occasion it's incredible, but most of it is just meh 🤷
Is is Autism or is your 11th House empty ???
I'm in my 30s, I completely relate. Everyone I interact with and everywhere I go, I feel like an observer.
I know several autistic individuals who seemingly blend in without effort, have numerous interests that they can speak expertly of, and they can hold the attention of anyone they desire. Meanwhile, I can struggle to remember names, dates, terms, and details of the few passions I have and come across as a bumbling fool...
They can seemingly go into new environments with little hesitation, while I need more time to acclamate.
I constantly feel gaslit by everyone.
I was unaware I was autistic until I turned 32... I assumed it was all related to me having ADHD.
AuDHD is one hell of a combo.
I wish I had advice, but instead, I can only relate.
My heart goes out to you 🫶
Very relatable Dana!! Thank you for sharing your life with us. It makes me feel less alone.
I have days where I just can't manage interacting with other humans. I know I act weird at times or say things that come off as blunt and people have questioned my friends about me having mental health issues!! Last week I flirted with a male receptionist at my local polish centre I visit. I assumed he was gay but I dont think he is!! I asked for his number as I work online and wanted to share my business with him. I sent one or two rather flirty texts to him and they were all ignored. Now I keep going around in my head beating myself up for being so intense and whorey with him!!! I have an off switch in my brain that prevents me from seeing someone else's real meanings and intentions!!! Oh well it didn't kill me apart from the embarrassment!! I wish people were more like cats!!
You don't know if you don't try! People don't always announce when they're gay. Sounds like you got the hint quickly when he didn't respond & you did fine! :) Honestly, I've never really asked anybody out, really, I don't think. But I always felt like it must be terrifying & so awful to have to put yourself out there, not knowing if someone would be interested and maybe would say no. I'd DEFINITELY have just been single forever instead of doing that or trying! So, it's brave & good for you! It's just a matter of catching the right person! :) You don't know if you don't try to put yourself out there.