I'm a DA. As a child, physical closeness was never any trouble: I could hug or kiss my parents. They loved that. As soon as I tried to express myself or seek reassurance from them (and my siblings) I was teased or rejected. My attempt at opening up emotionally and talking about my feelings were dismissed or I was made to feel ashamed. Crying over a sad movie? My siblings would say "You're such a cry baby." I learnt that expressing emotion or crying was shameful and embarrassing so I stopped. When I wanted to discuss something that I was curious about, especially in regards to love, sex and death, my parents wouldn't know how to have those conversations and instead hug me or hold me, telling me "shhhh, you don't have to think or worry about that right now." I started to hate physical touch/closeness because it felt dismissive; physical touch without the emotional connection felt...empty. When I would have a breakdown to my parents and start to pour my emotions to them, I was told to go to my room and be quiet when I really just wanted to be heard. My parents argued about money a lot so I never asked for things, I didn't want to be a burden, so I never learnt how to ask or voice my needs. In fact, when I needed new shoes or socks desperately I would cry because I felt so ashamed having to receive or need something from others. Now I associate 'needing' and needs with weakness, when others need something from me I feel like "stop. I've never asked anything from you, so don't ask so much of me. I have to meet my own needs 100% and I have nothing left to give." Wow. Just thinking about it makes so much sense. Now, in adulthood, instead of communicating my feelings or needs to my partner, I hug him. When he tries to connect with me emotionally, I become mute and instead just hold him because that's how my attempts at connection were responded to as a kid. That also probably shaped my sexuality: being a demisexual, as I can't experience physical attraction without an emotional connection (funny though because being a Demisexual DA is an odd combination). I associated physical touch with being dismissed and ignored, so any intimacy in the form of touch was meaningless to me. This was a bit of a rant, but this video helped me realise a lot of things. Thank god for everyone at PDS. I really want to rewrite these narratives that no longer serve me in my life.
Wow, thanks so much for opening up and giving these insights. So we'll reflected, makes so much sense. I'm an FA, I think, so I can see this partly in myself, but it's also just really nice to get the depth and recognise these wounds and behaviours in others. I've recently started discovering a lot of my own fears and wounds as well. I think I'm super scared of being misunderstood, rejected and super scared to express feelings, needs, boundaries and thoughts to a romantic partner especially. And I can slowly see how I'm actually rejecting myself, shoving myself away, not thinking that I'm worthy of having any needs or boundaries or receiving genuine connection. I'm so surprised by my hearts capacity to be so wounded and not really knowing about it or how to handle it. I think I've been really enmeshed growing up, always being used to give way for others feelings, needs and boundaries at the expense of my own. Thais's help is such a gift for me. That was also a bit of a rant, lol.
thank you for giving your insight, I have had alot of physical touch in my life yet I have issues with connection and often times its associated with physical touch when people talk about connection so it confuses me. I am also demisexual. >-
Wow this is exactly me and exactly my childhood… I can’t believe it to see it written down and understand why I am so afraid to be touch, why i’m so anxious to move forward with people it all makes so much sense!
Yessss! I used to but am getting better with her courses. If people would get close to me to chat, I would feel as though I physically needed to push them away from me.
@@ARbode3 thank you for replying, I've felt very isolated experiencing this especially as it can appear to come out of nowhere, nothings happening, I might be in persons company, then bam heart pounding, sense of dread, need to get away, pure hell!
@@bernadettemeade7259 No problem! It could be a different negative belief from mine but feeling unsafe when people would get close because you don't trust that they could hurt, abandoned, shame you for anything you say or do. Once you know what it is you can change this painful and illogical thought! This was by far the most impactful insight, for me as it was a very deep rooted belief. it's made my life much less painful. You can get over this! Xx
@@ARbode3 thanks so much for your replies, I've been in therapy 2 + years only feel I can trust him. Strong fear of disapproval, punished, definitely the sense of that other persons shame, blame at you for getting it wrong! Also fear "I have to choose between loving another OR losing myself" I guess it's about Boundaries lack of or too many. I could feel really loving toward partner then massive anxiety and need to pull away from them, crazy stuff!
Wow I was really excited when I saw the title and clicked right away! I was also thinking of giving a video suggestion regarding communication scripts from the DAs perspective while interacting with other attachment styles regarding how can they get comfortable expressing their needs in relationships and meet other peoples needs, how to handle protest behaviors etc since not a lot of information about that is provided on online platforms.
Attention, sob story incoming... I vaguely remember this one from when I was about kindergarten age, I used to sometimes crawl into bed with my parents, which I knew they didn't like because me being there with them meant they couldn't sleep (sleeping me turns into something like a fidget spinner)- and then what happened was, either my dad moved out to sleep in my bed, or they'd wait until I had fallen asleep to carry me back to my room. Which of course woke me up... and so I'd be half awake, noticing what was going on, but couldn't get myself to say or do something. I just kinda resigned. This happened two times, I think- I'm a bit hazy on the details- and then I gave it up. Take away: I'm a nuisance. (And the irony of it is how sad my parents always were because of me never wanting to cuddle with them, or even spend time with them... I preferred being alone as early as three. Even told my mum to go away once when she came to check on me after I'd been playing alone for hours, the story is being told to this day.)
Holy shit....your story resonated with me so much. I am a healed AP and I was so scared to be alone at night. My parents would sleep with me until I fell asleep or I would try to sleep with them. I struggled for so long of unworthiness. Thank you for sharing. Hugs and healing to you
I am sad that the thing that stand between me and other is that I can't show myself as I am, warts and all. So I am now single forever because it is so much more peaceful and I have so much more energy because I don't have to carry around the facade. I really need to mull this content over..
Good for you! I was hooked as well, I watched all her videos then got a membership. It's been 4 months and I feel life is not painful and really is worth living. Good luck
@@bernadettemeade7259 Yes, it feels like it. Although I still feel a bit of restraint a lot of the time, the courses are deep, but I have a strong willingness to overcome this because I feel so much better already. Have you watched any of her other videos?
@@ARbode3 yes I watch tonnes of them especially those on FA, just took Attachment quiz and came up as 36% FA, 36% DA, 27% AA and 0% Secure! No surprises there then ☺. Theres a big part of my( inner child) looking for a partner who is emotionally strong, has no needs to take care of me. I struggle with not shaming myself for having these feelings, as obviously that is so childlike wanting another adult to be perfect parent. Even writing this makes me very emotional. I'm sensitive to anyone needing me to fill their needs.. or I've been the people pleaser and put others needs before mine, felt used , resentful. Ideally would like to be able to meet my own needs, have enough to give another, without feeling powerless giving myself up to be loved, ( good Boundaries not chaotic ones)
How about because of physical trauma as a child including sexual abuse? Do you have content on this topic? I hope one day not to flinch when someone touches me and I don’t see it coming.
What if that closeness triggers your ptsd due to the bond you had with your abuser? I find myself becoming disgusted by myself and the other person whenever I attempt to be emotionally intimate with others.
@@mer-ced-es It's tough walking that line. You would then have to communicate your needs (Ahhh) and I think the best way to go about that is to let your partner know that you just need a minute because you're feeling too close to them in that moment.
I'm a DA. As a child, physical closeness was never any trouble: I could hug or kiss my parents. They loved that. As soon as I tried to express myself or seek reassurance from them (and my siblings) I was teased or rejected. My attempt at opening up emotionally and talking about my feelings were dismissed or I was made to feel ashamed. Crying over a sad movie? My siblings would say "You're such a cry baby." I learnt that expressing emotion or crying was shameful and embarrassing so I stopped. When I wanted to discuss something that I was curious about, especially in regards to love, sex and death, my parents wouldn't know how to have those conversations and instead hug me or hold me, telling me "shhhh, you don't have to think or worry about that right now." I started to hate physical touch/closeness because it felt dismissive; physical touch without the emotional connection felt...empty. When I would have a breakdown to my parents and start to pour my emotions to them, I was told to go to my room and be quiet when I really just wanted to be heard. My parents argued about money a lot so I never asked for things, I didn't want to be a burden, so I never learnt how to ask or voice my needs. In fact, when I needed new shoes or socks desperately I would cry because I felt so ashamed having to receive or need something from others. Now I associate 'needing' and needs with weakness, when others need something from me I feel like "stop. I've never asked anything from you, so don't ask so much of me. I have to meet my own needs 100% and I have nothing left to give."
Wow. Just thinking about it makes so much sense. Now, in adulthood, instead of communicating my feelings or needs to my partner, I hug him. When he tries to connect with me emotionally, I become mute and instead just hold him because that's how my attempts at connection were responded to as a kid. That also probably shaped my sexuality: being a demisexual, as I can't experience physical attraction without an emotional connection (funny though because being a Demisexual DA is an odd combination). I associated physical touch with being dismissed and ignored, so any intimacy in the form of touch was meaningless to me.
This was a bit of a rant, but this video helped me realise a lot of things. Thank god for everyone at PDS. I really want to rewrite these narratives that no longer serve me in my life.
Wow, thanks so much for opening up and giving these insights. So we'll reflected, makes so much sense. I'm an FA, I think, so I can see this partly in myself, but it's also just really nice to get the depth and recognise these wounds and behaviours in others. I've recently started discovering a lot of my own fears and wounds as well. I think I'm super scared of being misunderstood, rejected and super scared to express feelings, needs, boundaries and thoughts to a romantic partner especially. And I can slowly see how I'm actually rejecting myself, shoving myself away, not thinking that I'm worthy of having any needs or boundaries or receiving genuine connection. I'm so surprised by my hearts capacity to be so wounded and not really knowing about it or how to handle it. I think I've been really enmeshed growing up, always being used to give way for others feelings, needs and boundaries at the expense of my own.
Thais's help is such a gift for me.
That was also a bit of a rant, lol.
thank you for giving your insight, I have had alot of physical touch in my life yet I have issues with connection and often times its associated with physical touch when people talk about connection so it confuses me. I am also demisexual. >-
This is so insightful and reflects so much self awareness and vulnerability in sharing. Thank you so much for sharing!
Wow this is exactly me and exactly my childhood… I can’t believe it to see it written down and understand why I am so afraid to be touch, why i’m so anxious to move forward with people it all makes so much sense!
Does anyone else experience high anxiety and panic attacks when they sense emotional closeness or vulnerability?
Yessss! I used to but am getting better with her courses. If people would get close to me to chat, I would feel as though I physically needed to push them away from me.
@@ARbode3 thank you for replying, I've felt very isolated experiencing this especially as it can appear to come out of nowhere, nothings happening, I might be in persons company, then bam heart pounding, sense of dread, need to get away, pure hell!
@@bernadettemeade7259 No problem! It could be a different negative belief from mine but feeling unsafe when people would get close because you don't trust that they could hurt, abandoned, shame you for anything you say or do. Once you know what it is you can change this painful and illogical thought! This was by far the most impactful insight, for me as it was a very deep rooted belief. it's made my life much less painful. You can get over this! Xx
What was the rooted belief for you? How did you overcome it?
@@ARbode3 thanks so much for your replies, I've been in therapy 2 + years only feel I can trust him. Strong fear of disapproval, punished, definitely the sense of that other persons shame, blame at you for getting it wrong! Also fear "I have to choose between loving another OR losing myself" I guess it's about Boundaries lack of or too many. I could feel really loving toward partner then massive anxiety and need to pull away from them, crazy stuff!
We ALL have this, on very different levels
Totally off topic, but I'm loving the new nude lipstick!
Thinking the same thing 🤣😍
Wow I was really excited when I saw the title and clicked right away! I was also thinking of giving a video suggestion regarding communication scripts from the DAs perspective while interacting with other attachment styles regarding how can they get comfortable expressing their needs in relationships and meet other peoples needs, how to handle protest behaviors etc since not a lot of information about that is provided on online platforms.
Please talk about the reasons why anxious preoccupied engages in surveillance behavior
fear of enmeshment - ugh!
Things can change ✨
I want to thank you so much, this has helped me so much.
Attention, sob story incoming... I vaguely remember this one from when I was about kindergarten age, I used to sometimes crawl into bed with my parents, which I knew they didn't like because me being there with them meant they couldn't sleep (sleeping me turns into something like a fidget spinner)- and then what happened was, either my dad moved out to sleep in my bed, or they'd wait until I had fallen asleep to carry me back to my room. Which of course woke me up... and so I'd be half awake, noticing what was going on, but couldn't get myself to say or do something. I just kinda resigned. This happened two times, I think- I'm a bit hazy on the details- and then I gave it up. Take away: I'm a nuisance.
(And the irony of it is how sad my parents always were because of me never wanting to cuddle with them, or even spend time with them... I preferred being alone as early as three. Even told my mum to go away once when she came to check on me after I'd been playing alone for hours, the story is being told to this day.)
Holy shit....your story resonated with me so much. I am a healed AP and I was so scared to be alone at night. My parents would sleep with me until I fell asleep or I would try to sleep with them. I struggled for so long of unworthiness. Thank you for sharing. Hugs and healing to you
Man that's sad, but so good to be aware of 😔 thanks for sharing your story 🙏 I wish you healing
I needed this ❤️
Happy to provide for you :)
-PDS team member
I am sad that the thing that stand between me and other is that I can't show myself as I am, warts and all. So I am now single forever because it is so much more peaceful and I have so much more energy because I don't have to carry around the facade. I really need to mull this content over..
Good for you! I was hooked as well, I watched all her videos then got a membership. It's been 4 months and I feel life is not painful and really is worth living. Good luck
@@ARbode3 sounds like you are making real progress with the courses?
@@bernadettemeade7259 Yes, it feels like it. Although I still feel a bit of restraint a lot of the time, the courses are deep, but I have a strong willingness to overcome this because I feel so much better already.
Have you watched any of her other videos?
@@ARbode3 yes I watch tonnes of them especially those on FA, just took Attachment quiz and came up as 36% FA, 36% DA, 27% AA and 0% Secure! No surprises there then ☺. Theres a big part of my( inner child) looking for a partner who is emotionally strong, has no needs to take care of me. I struggle with not shaming myself for having these feelings, as obviously that is so childlike wanting another adult to be perfect parent. Even writing this makes me very emotional. I'm sensitive to anyone needing me to fill their needs.. or I've been the people pleaser and put others needs before mine, felt used , resentful. Ideally would like to be able to meet my own needs, have enough to give another, without feeling powerless giving myself up to be loved, ( good Boundaries not chaotic ones)
Thank you!!!!!!!
You're very welcome Samantha :)
-PDS team member
How about because of physical trauma as a child including sexual abuse? Do you have content on this topic? I hope one day not to flinch when someone touches me and I don’t see it coming.
Omg this is my exact issue I hope she talks abt it
What if that closeness triggers your ptsd due to the bond you had with your abuser? I find myself becoming disgusted by myself and the other person whenever I attempt to be emotionally intimate with others.
What if the fear of intimacy stems from intense enmeshment trauma? :(
Practice enforcing boundaries.
@@its_natalie4912 Right, but the fear of intimacy is hard to overcome when the boundaries then prevent intimacy from taking place 😅 It's tricky...
@@mer-ced-es It's tough walking that line. You would then have to communicate your needs (Ahhh) and I think the best way to go about that is to let your partner know that you just need a minute because you're feeling too close to them in that moment.
I had horrible imprints
Can someone please send this to my partner anonymously 😅😭
❤❤❤
Thanks Doll 🥰🤗!