Howdy! I would like to offer a slight reframing to that statement (which you may already share). As I see it, EVERYONE manipulates. There are, as with narcissism, healthy and unhealthy forms of manipulation. People who know how to get what they want without making things more distressing for themselves or others have effective behaviors. The people who are /experienced/ as "manipulative people", "toxic people", or "not truly sorry" are people who probably have unhealthy ways of trying to get their needs met in relationships. The kicker is, healthy patterns are LEARNED behaviors, and learning takes time and practice. To be clear: If a situation feels unsafe, that's not the time to question your instincts! Absolutely get out of an unsafe situation. If a situation feels /uncomfortable/ or /painful/, but not truly unsafe, completely cutting the person off and labeling them as "toxic" when they repeat the same hurtful behavior may not be appropriate or necessary. If your loved one shows a genuine commitment to healing and treatment, it’s understandable to feel cautious or uncertain as to whether they will follow through and shift behavior -- and there are definitely circumstances where it DOES NOT make sense to wait and see whether the treatment is effective. However, some disorders have gained a very stigmatized relationship as untreatable when they ARE actually treatable. Seeking evaluation and treatment may be the only change someone knows how to make in that moment, and finding the right therapeutic program also takes time. These efforts can themselves be significant indicators of sincerity! Moral of the story: IMO, demonstrated commitment to the PROCESS of healing is in itself behavior change, even though it might not be the specific change you’d like to eventually see. Interpersonal behavior exists on a very complex spectrum, not a binary between “healthy” and “abusive”. Someone’s best effort early in the process might not look like much change, but the people who are sincere in their apology -- and truly do care -- will do the hard work required to recover. By the same token, people sincere in their support of their loved one will do the hard work of being patient with the recovery process. Ideally, the skills that that each person learns in their individual recovery process will also lead to mutual learning and healing in the relationship. Relationship always takes two people.
So I did this out of habit of hearing it for so long. Im also ESL and didnt know about all this toxic behavior til recently. Someone did point it out to me and it really hit me and I felt so bad. I tried to correct myself but was blocked. Now I know better and still feel bad about it til this day and any time Ive used it without knowing how hurtful it really was.
The worst hurdle when trying to triumph over a narcissist is realizing that they literally feel nothing for you unless it benefits them. Dreadful creatures
My cover narc "sister" told me "you have no feelings" more than once. Of course, that's a lie and now I know she was projecting her lack of ANY feelings onto me. Now I know they are empty and cannot feel anything besides the basic instinctive stuff, like hunger or thirst. Some even have problems with sexual arousing. The narcissists cheating on their spouses do it for different reasons than pure physical attraction. Anyways, they cannot feel anything, therefore they cannot love. In other words, how are they going to love and respect someone else, if they don't do that to themselves? Answer: they can't and aren't going to! I had been wondering for years how the narcissists present in my childhood and early adulthood were attached to their friends and why they showed so much affection to them so quickly. It took and still takes me a very long time to be close to anyone and I'm very careful to whom I show affection. Now I know: their feelings were never real; it was just one big show played out for the crowd.
omg i just had this realization recently about someone no wonder that replying to that person felt like a chore to me, i was replying to an empty shell
@toilet paper well if you want to return all those positives to your partner then no, that doesn't sound to me like a narc narcs are selfish, they only care about themselves, want their partner to be perfect but they don't want to work on themselves nor reciprocate anything
4 components of a genuine apology: 1. Recognition 2. Responsibility 3. Remorse 4. Repair 3 types of narcissistic fake apologies: 1. The FAUXPOLOGY (i'm sorry you're feeling bad, i'm sorry you're hurt, i'm sorry my words hurt your feelings). They are apologizing for sth they don't own-your feelings; their words don't mean a thing. 2. "I'm sorry BUT" (E.g. i'm sorry but it's all your fault. I'm sorry I yelled but if you didn't press me I wouldn't have lied , I'm sorry I cheated but you were not giving me enough attention) 3. The BOLD-FACED LIE: (More common with covert type, when they are desperate). It looks almost like an appology. Especially when you're in trauma bond, you will know they are lying but will have a difficulty making rational decisions about them . You will want to believe what they are saying. You will think they: - are actually sorry - are acknowledging they did sth wrong - know they've hurt your feelings and care about them - because they've appologized you can leave this behind and move on. What they are really saying: "I'm sorry I'm not getting what I want" . Why are the above 3 types not true apologies: 1. Fauxpology: no responsability. Boldly and blatantly NOT taking responsibility. 2. "I'm sorry BUT" : recogntion but NO responsibilty (also no remorse and no repair). 3. The bold-faced lie: none of this. They might do sth in the moment to make you feel better, but will continue with their behaviour. If they repeat it, they are doing it on purpose. They just want what they want and don't care if they hurt you. So they were never sorry in the first place.
Agree with the 1st reply. I have issues focusing on information if I can't take it in fast enough. Your comment really helped me absorb everything from this video. Thank you so much! 🙏
The 1st one I don't get...All I want from my partner is to say 'sorry I have hurt your feelings..' even 'Sorry that you are hurting and taking it this way' Is that wrong?
Or "I apologize for anything and everything!" Lets not forget the emotional whip that comes with it. The tone of the voice indicates that it is an insult and not an apology.
Anytime I was granted even a fake apology, it always started with “I’m sorry you....” followed by gaslighting and pointing out something I had done in the past, that had NOTHING to do with what we were discussing at the time.
Dead giveaway the person is a manipulator. It translates to "no, I didn't do anything wrong. I deflect blame to you"....which lets me conclude: this relationship goes no further my untrustworthy acquaintance. I have zero tolerance for that junk. Life is too short to mess with it any further once its reared its ugly head.
@@dianefarley37 yes, and totally heightens the anger in the moment because it insults your intelligence at the same time LOL and either they know that and do it to trigger you OR they are really that stupid🤷♀️ either way infuriating and I don't have time for that nonsense🤣 ecause it is nonsense. I thank God for His grace ? (which I'll share from way far off) AND HIS WISDOM TO LET ME KNOW I DON'T STICK AROUND FOR THAT KIND OF TIME WASTER.🙌 🙂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
When my emotional abuser told me " I never meant to hurt you." My knee jerk response was to tell him, " But you didn't care if you did." I didn't realize at that moment how profound my response was.
*You didn't attract Narcissist into your life, but they are the one who ATTRACTED to YOU* Because YOU shine like a gemstone with high qualities that they couldn't find in other supply. Just be aware of the Red Flags...no matter how attractive is the person physically..If you feel uncomfortable interacting with someone who is making you to do things which is not typical YOU. just say "No..Thank you"..Instead of dealing with the stupidity.. do something cool for yourself and enjoy your life. Instead of feeling bad, be thankful something made you to go through this so that you can easily sense next time this type of personality appears with different look. It just will take one second to change your mind when you realize they are not clean internal and external. 💖💖 *Take a good care of yourself guys* 💖💖
that sounds like a real apology. They are basically saying that they do think of you when considering what action to take/words to speak and that they went ahead and did or said that thing with a clear conscience because nothing had alerted them to the fact that you would be negatively impacted by it. And they are saying - now I know that it did affect you, I am sorry I did that. The real test is if they do it again now, knowing that it will affect you.
KP yeah but it depends what that type of apology is over. My ex would say to me after straight up calling me a “nasty person” calling me horrible and telling me to fuck off that she thought things like that would only affect her and didn’t realise other people would get offended by that. It’s a complete lack of remorse covered up by an excuse of “I didn’t realise it would hurt you”
This is basically after he lied to me, emotionally abused me with actions, words and mind games. How can one not know how much this can affect someone. They play dumb on purpose.
The "but you hurt me too" is justified. I can't stand those who can't accept responsibility for their role in conflicts and have this mindset their their 100% right and the victim. Those people to me are either delusional or clueless.
They say it like that because they have actual contempt for your feelings and humanity. It's an inconvenient burden for them they resent having to deal with.
@ Nancy That normally happens when person #2 refuses to apologize their their OWN role in a conflict. Apologies need to be given by all parties not just one! Otherwise nothing chances! Nothing gets resolved.
@@amylee8969 Normal, healthy constructive arguments ending in sincere apologies from BOTH sides don't take place when in conflict with a narcissist. When a narcissist senses that they are losing control of an issue they will resort to gaslighting, manipulation, brainwashing, verbal/emotional/mental abuse etc. Narcissists target empathetic people since empathy is something that a narcissist lacks therefore Person#2, the "victim", likely has no issue sincerely apologizing for their part in a conflict. Narcissists will give a fake insincere apology then start a smear campaign and/or stonewall their victim as a punishment for arguing.
For them, even the very act of apologizing alone is too much. Not accepting it, has the effect of the Chernobyl's graphite rod tips, getting in the nuclear reactor before the boron.
@ Audrey L A real apology ends with person #2 saying “I’m sorry for what I did too”. There’s always two sides to every story and it takes two to tango.
hahahah My narcissist friend just pulled that on me. He said he apologized for that dozens of times im not going to apologize now for you to keep bringing it back up. He Never did and i told him that.
"I'm sorry babe" hearing that makes you feel like maybe they finally understand. Then sometimes in the very same say they are doing the same thing again. It gets to a point where you just give up.
I always got the “ oh I am so sorry for speaking to you that way I would never let someone speak to me like that” only for her to do it again 3 days later.
Another one I got often was " I'm sorry. Forgive me?" With the last question stated as a demand. It was such a trap. If I didn't forgive and forget on the spot all hell would break loose.
This feels like a punch in my soul to be on the other side of this! My dude was moody, snappy, rude to me all weekend. Then when I asked if anything was wrong he barked at me ”It’s not about you!”😡 Yelled at me! Like I’m some kind of a$$ because I asked what was wrong. Then a few days later I tried talking to him saying I didn’t like the way he talked to me all weekend. It’s ok to have a mood but please be nice to me. First he said he didn’t remember. Then I gave examples. Then he was upset that I wanted to talk about something that happened a few days ago. Then I said it was still bothering me. Then his next point was “it’s 99.9 % your perception!” I wouldn’t let him off the hook. No you said this, it was rude. Finally he apologized for being in a mood but never acknowledged being mean or rude. This was the final straw when I realized this is distorted! I can’t do it anymore. This situation was very minor compared to many many many other 💩 storms I’ve dealt with. I just can’t do it anymore!
I can talk with my narcissistic partner for hrs when they've done something terrible. They'll cry, they'll say sorry but...they'll even sit and discuss how a healthy relationship needs to work and how they so want our relationship to be healthy. Be super convincing. Wow! She seems to get it. And then she'll say...so in this situation that we fell out about. How do I apply this healthy relationship stuff and get what i want....my heart sinks as i realise she understands nothing. And nothing has changed.
My narc father has attempted to apologize to me on several occasions but has never been able to take real responsibility for his actions. My favorite was, " for all the physical and emotional abuse I MAY have caused."
Or the "I'm sorry, it's because of my trauma". That's the one I used to get a lot. He blamed it on his childhood trauma or whatever shit he was dealing with at the time. I was a stupid sucker for that one for a long time. Or you get the one where they try to turn it into a compliment/love bomb. "I'm so sorry I just get crazy when I think I might lose you".
@Elise in the attic in response to the apologies that trail off into the 'its because of this' territory - I would make a distinction crystal clear to them: reasons and/or context VS Accountability everyone has a reason why or a context wothin which they did or said something wrong. reasons give us undersranding as to how or why a thing occurred. it's interesting at best but not necessary for an apology. Accountability, however, gives us ownership or what you did or said wrong regardless of the reasons why you chose that action. And this is needed for a real apology to have taken place. For instance, if someone runs over my foot with their car and tells me it was because the mechanic didnt fo what he was supposed to and the clutch slipped, which made the car jump forward - thats a great reason and all to give me understanding of WHY it occurred but it DOES NOT negate responsibility on the drivers part to simply own the fact that the car they were in charge of has gone over my foot and negatively impacted my life. In fact, whether or not a person wants to even HEAR the reason is entirely up yo the injured party. Apologies are about; • acknowledging what occurred • being fully accountable • having empathy for the impact it had on the other party and • lastly, finding a solution to both recompense what has already happened and safeguard your relationship from it ever happening again so somebody shifting responsibility because they had a shitty childhood is a person that is telling you they are never going to change and you and anyone else in their orbit is going to have to pay the price for what happened to them indefinitely.
In my experience the “fake apology” has been more like they are truly sorry…but they are only sorry that THEY got caught or called out on a lie, poor or disrespectful behavior, cheating, gaslighting or any of the typical patterns of the covert narcissist. It took me years of feeling completely defeated and hopeless in my relationship with my husband to finally come across this almost flawless description of what I was dealing with consistently. And the cycles and patterns of this behavior that was driving me crazy and causing me to question everything about myself and what or how I was doing so many things wrong was finally explained! But I still continued to second guess myself over and over because I kept believing every time he said he was sorry and going to do better because I love him. I want so badly for everything to be healed or fixed and normal. I don’t think I can ever really leave him because I still keep believing he’d not survive without me desperately trying to keep his life together and smooth. He has me feeling like I’m the only one responsible for handling everything! And he’s a 58 yr old accomplished and successful airline captain! Yet he can’t remember to feed our dog or take them out to use the bathroom so I am in a constant state of high awareness and alertness and never feel I can relax. He has so many interest that do not involve me or remotely interest me that I can’t keep up with what cycling thing is his current obsession. And I do mean obsession. He will live and breathe whatever his new thing is and be completely offended that I am not into or interested in his “thing”. He feels I should make efforts to like whatever he’s into in order for us to spend time together and never my own interest. It’s maddening. The difference now even though I just can’t leave him is that I say no. I try to do things I enjoy although limited and I’m always aware and conscious of how long I may be away from the house so as not to anger him too much. I just walk on those eggshells and tread lightly to attempt to have some form of an enjoyable life. It’s a very lonely and anxiety ridden way of life but at least I know what I’m dealing with an no longer just believing I’m crazy or a selfish person who just has to always be right and impossible to reason with. Those are a few of the words I hear consistently. He is consistent in a few things. Those things are his inconsistency, lying, promises not kept, oh and a biggie is him thinking if enough time passes after a big screw up of his…it is less intense and in his mind disappears as if it never occurred. So avoidance and denial! I truly feel I could write a book on the events that I’ve experienced in the almost 10 years of marriage that would literally baffle most people who only know his public persona. Because his private true self is a 180. Even my adult son ( from previous marriage years before I married my current husband of who I’m speaking) only witnesses a fraction of this behavior and knows there’s a major awkwardness and weird and inconsistent vibe/personality about him. Anyone experiencing these or even a few of these behaviors without knowledge or education on what is actually happening is in serious emotional and mental danger. Thank you Christina for educating and affirming these things we are questioning. It’s sooooo important.
*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
This was accompanied by a very melodramatic demeanor and a quite hurt tone of voice. I just “didn’t understand”. (Sorry that it came in two parts. Pressed the wrong button).
Common Ego I find what’s most frustrating is when I have great content *ahem* to put up Im literally stonewalled in putting it up. The narcissistic revenge aftermath, simple put
Accepting a narcissist's crocodile tears and fake apologies are like giving them the green light to keep on abusing. An apology with ulterior motives behind it doesn't mean anything. Generally speaking, throw everything before but out the window and you're left with the truth. The fake apologies are rarely if ever congruent with their actions or true intent.
I also just want to say that as someone with a past of intense emotional & physical abuse, (on the other side of it all now) you do an incredible job of calmly & directly breaking down topics that can be extremely emotional & arming people with knowledge. Just wonderful💖🎉💕
He says sorry once. His exact words were "I apologize for saying you were insignificant and unimportant". He said that in September 2019. He didn't personalize it. It felt like he was kinda sincere. Two weeks later he went on vacation with his friends and I watched his daughter. A few weeks later he began to act kinda distant. By mid-November he was back to the same behavior that he apologized for. If he was my 13 year old son I'd be more understanding but he's a 39 man and at 42 I was tired. On December 4th I was done with it. Lack of respect and understanding.
I had a similar thing with my covert narc "friend" a few years ago. I didn't know abut PTSD and toxic people abuse back then. I simply wrote her an "I don't like you, here's why and I don't want to be your acquaintance, anymore" message on FB and I later blocked her. The best thing you can do is ditch them.
Oh lord..... when things were starting to get to their worst with my narcissistic ex, and I was catching her in her lies and foolishly trying to reason with her, the conversation kept going in circles over and over, endlessly. But every single time it went full circle and I warned her that her lying and her behavior was inexcusable, all she would respond with was "I'm sorry you feel that way" and she would repeat it over and over until I was ready to scream!!!
Thank you for this video. It’s comforting to have someone recognize these types of interactions. I got a “I’m sorry that you’re so sensitive” before I got the living daylights beat out of me. I remarried and fell into the same trap and remarried another abusive narcissist. I guess my experiences/choices led me to recognize that I have attachment issues which stem from very early abuse. I’m working on that. But at the first sign of a narcissist, step away!!
I have never had an apology from a narcissist husband or bf. The only narcissist who apologized to me was my mother, who would say something like "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." She did not apologize for hitting me, dragging me out of my chair and kicking me, whaling on me with a pair of shoes, or making me cry. She never stated what she actually did as part of her apology. When the love of my life announced he was exiting the friendship, first he said, "Oh, now I've hurt your feelings" as I stood there trying not to blubber, and then, "I know what you want and I can't give it to you." If I had been tougher I would have said, "Why not?" "What is it you think I want?" But his first words disarmed me. Yet weeks later, he told me he remembered that moment, where we were standing (in the apartment doorway), and that I was crying - as if he was still puzzled why I should be. He knew the depth of my feelings for him because I told him and I acted on them! Yet he still could not seem to relate. His mind was made up way ahead of that moment and nothing could bend him.
"I'm sorry" Long pause. "I know I did you wrong on alot of levels. I want to be a good friend too you" After a seperation and he ghosted prior for five months.
Thank you. I broke up with my GF and much of me falling out of love with her was bc of her insincere and narcissistic apologies. There was other stuff equally bad and even worse but this one hurt because even after I broke it off she still didn’t get it no matter how much I tried to explain hoping it would have triggered a change. Then a couple weeks ago she came into my home while I was gone (she has a key I need back) and when I called her on it she apologized then said she had to do it bc I had a few I hadn’t given back to her yet. Meanwhile she’s blocked me on Facebook and blocked my phone. Your video helped me put away her photos I kept out. Mostly to recognize what she did do good for me and send her well wishes but I don’t cry wanting her back. Thank you again.
i know this comment you made was 3 years ago but i am dealing with this right now. my girlfriend just wont hear my point of view when it comes to her toxic behavior and when i talk i get these fake apologies which in turn make me also love slightly less and less. from one person to another i hope youre doing well now as i know how hard this crap is to deal with
I just heard "Im sorry you feel that way" and "I can say Im sorry but its in the past." Yup from my last closest friend. Becoming healthier, losing weight, going sober, putting myself and family first last year really revealed how much of a narcissist magnet I am. My mother is narcissistic so I believe its been conditioned into me but Im working on that and my own toxic behaviors as well. Now im a hermit with no friends but life is more peaceful. It sucks and I hope I find genuine friends in the future.
@@Melbester9 oh i figured that. I axed everyone out. A lot of the peoole who claimed they loved me were using me for my support, love, resources, or whatever. Now im a lone wolf and doing better than before.
@@sarawr5949 Yeah same here. My narc was a False Twin Flame from same country as me, Dominican Republic 🇩🇴 and had my Spiritual Awakening late 2019 before pandemic. We started off really bad but now we're working on the friendship but the feelings are still there and I haven't met my real Twin yet. I can't hate her because she's still a part of me and she knows that. But we talk a lot now. Just crazy. Always saying honey and babe.
Oh my gosh!!! When you quoted the phrase: "I'm sorry YOU feel that way!" & "I'm sorry, BUT..", my eyes literally widened and I could feel my eyebrows shoot up on my face! 😮 Holy Crap! I wondered about this but dismissed it because there've been times when my Dad has been able to show some level of kindness. Though I remember wishing I could be like other kids I'd observe whether on film or from those of whom I associated with growing up. I'm not sure which type he is, but I wish I was able to feel safe talking about deeper stuff with him and connecting on an emotional level. 😏😟
It is hard to watch this video and see my own behaviour being described but thank you for explaining in which way(s) these types of apologies are fake and manipulative. Necessary for both sides' growth.
You got it right. Never ever will I allow myself to be put in this situation ever again. Lessons learned more importantly I am healing from narcissistic Abuse of three years
“ I didn’t tell you because I was scared of how you’d react” (after getting a new supply within a week) “ I didn’t tell you because I didn’t get the chance to” (after getting a new supply within a week) “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t have time” (getting a new supply within a week) “I did that because I was in a hurry, I didn’t mean to hurt you” (after flaunting stuff with the new supply) “ I wasn’t patronizing you, I was just in a hurry” (after flaunting stuff with the new supply) “ I didn’t know my actions would affect you, I was taking my time too.” (after days of silent treatment)
" I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings" ( after she left my bed in the morning and joined her next supply that same evening!)
Lately I have been thinking about “the different types of gaslight”. I find that there is gaslight that is very obvious for someone that knows about this topic, and another type of gaslight that is so much harder to spot, more like covert gaslight because it is literally disguised as something else. For example, a narc could gaslight you but try to disguise it as an “explanation”, or as “I am the expert and I am sharing my knowledge”, or as “I do this to protect you”, when in reality it was all to hurt you and rewire your brain to think dysfunctionally. Do you think you can make a video in this topic as well?
Oh my goshhhh the “I was just explaining why I did it” was the absolute worst excuse that accompanied the “apology”. I thought I was going crazy by calling him out for this one but I’m so glad I recognized it and saw this comment!!
“I’m the expert...” & “I know more about this than you do, so let me explain...” & “YOU are focused on One Thing, and not taking into account all of...” ~ Yep, received a Whole Lot of these... 🤨
Omg im literally getting all these "I'm sorry" texts while I'm watching this. Going through a divorce. He cheated on me a lot but he thinks I only know about one time that he claims he hid from me for 7 years bc "it was a repressed memory that it happened" 😂😂 cheating on your wife out of spite isnt a repressed memory. I know my self worth now. Good bye!
This is EXACTLY what my mother just sent me. She’s sorry, but it’s my fault that I didn’t tell her at the time how I felt. She only figured it out after talking to my father who told her it was her tone. She could not figure this out when I said she was acting like a bully. This apology came recently after she attempted to gaslight me, blame me for her behavior, and bribe me. Thank you for this. I was almost considering accepting her words. I wont dignify her words as an apology.
OMG.....this is the first I've heard of the phrase identifiable fake apologizes!!! Thank you...thank you for posting this. One of the huge things I'd say to my x fiancee was that his apologies weren't sincere. I had nothing to base that on other than it never felt right! I'd always tell him that an apology doesn't end with "but"!!!! I would tell him a sincere apology didn't require an apology in return! He even threatened me with "future lies" because telling me the truth didn't matter anyway!!! Why didn't I respect myself enough to respond to the red flags at the beginning? I could have saved myself time, money and mental health!!!! I was right....he wasn't sincere.....no wonder I never felt safe and was a crazy woman!!!!!! 😔😔
Sometimes it's justified. For instance, "I'm sorry I know I was wrong but what you did was Wrong too and here is why_____." I've personally given that apology as I wanted the other person to be aware of their role in the conflict and take responsibility Instead of playing the victim.
"I'm sorry I am not the man you want me to be." Yes, I have received all of these faux-pologies from my husband over the 30+ yrs we've been married. I am still in this marriage and still under the same roof. However, I am slowly moving toward the door. I know what he is now and what his tactics are. I am going Grey rock for now until I can go fully no contact. I have also become aware of my trauma bond and codependent tendency towards him. I am, for the first time in my (almost) 51 yrs of life, beginning to accept that I have to change myself and not expect him to. He won't, can't or whatever but I can and will (& have already begun to do so).
@@oscarwilliamson1128 thank you for saying that. I have gone back and forth...searching the Bible and praying constantly for answers...stay or truly leave. So far now, I don't engage and basically trying to Grey Rock. Wow, that's not easy and I struggle to not say anything back. Used to think, "if I say nothing all that does is show him he can say whatever and it's all fine (in his mind, I'm loving his treatment)." Now I know it's the way I need to be because of Yahuah...
This video is very helpful to me as I am dealing with someone who is relentless to receive my apology so we can go back to how we were. I have received all three faux apologies within the course of two months and it is very frustrating. It was: 1.) I'm sorry you're hurting- then proceeded to subtly blame me for what happened. 2.) I'm sorry but- I got a 3-paged letter explaining how confused and hurt this person was with the intention to justify actions, project the blame to me to the point of undoing. Absolutely the best example of not taking responsibility for their actions. 3.) The bold-paged I'm sorry- The crocodile tears and the "I can't believe I did this to you" wording without seeing an actual remorse and action for repair. All them 3 are actually frustrating to me but what triggered me the most is the second one. I used to feel bitter imagining how the person tries to take advantage of my patience and diplomatic response. I was like, "Do you really think I'm that stupid?" But I thank God I got to watch your other video about how to outsmart narcissists to spare my emotions coz I used to get baited before. Now I knew better. So thank you.
A 4th type of apology could be: they give you a real apology and then at some point later, days or weeks or even months later, though i found it to be kess than 2 weeks later, they take the apology back with as n excuse for what they did.
Good work. I'm liking your channel and your insight. I'm 4 years out of a 20 year marriage to a narc and still binge watch these videos. Probably because it's still hard to believe someone can be as malicious as they are and mostly because I kept falling for the lies hoping things would change. I was so weak as a person, couldn't protect myself and my kids. So stupid. Listen to me rant now, like a fool. At least my punctuation is accurate, I think.
It's hard to understand the lack of empathy, and we've all been duped on some level. If they weren't convincing, they wouldn't be as dangerous as they are. Don't blame yourself. And your punctuation is on point! 🙏❤
@@CommonEgo Thank you but I do feel some level of responsibility for what happened. I think deep inside I knew it was wrong to keep believing her and not listening to my gut. I also know it was my childhood trauma that kept me there. So the mental and emotional torment led me to what felt like I was dying. That could have been avoided if I was more of a man about it. Now my biggest regret is what my kids go through. Thanks for listening and your awesome videos. They really do help me get a grip on life.
@@hassanchop3622 I believe all of what you're saying to be true except for the "should haves." We do need to own our part when we're ready to, but there are reasons it takes the time it does. I completely understand where you're coming from, tho. I have a video on why we don't recognize a abuse and a few on the trauma bond you may find helpful ❤
I found myself saying "I'm sorry for hurting you by the words I said," but it wasn't a faeuxpogy, it was apologizing to her after I had addressed her neglectful treatment toward me. She was upset I was making her feel bad by calling her out. She wasn't acknowledging that her actions/inactions were hurtful and was accusing me of making her feel bad for hurting me. So yes, I've used those words you mentioned in the feauxpology, but I was genuinely sorry for making her feel bad, however she wasn't recognizing her role in the problem. She also responded with an "I'm sorry but..." That felt wonderful... I told her it would be best if we took a break after that. Of course she wasn't interested in reconciling. I was already pretty much discarded by then.
I only got an “apology” when I was literally out the door, in my car and ready to drive away for good. He only did that to rope me back in (only for his benefit- just like you said). And of course I fell for it every time. But the SECOND he had me back inside, he was yelling at me again and going on and on and on about how everything was my fault🙃
Such a great video! When my ex said "I Apologize if I did something to you ".....after gaslighting, cheating, and triangulating me for 8 months and crazy making after I uncovered what clearly was signs of cheating. But..."I Apologize if I did something to you"....made my whole being want to scream. This apology only came after no contact so it was a fake apology and a hoover all in one. I came to accept that I'll never get a genuine Apology from this person. Thank you so much for speaking the truth, you're helping so many people! ❤
Maybe I can add another one. My mom and my big sister, as well as some “friends” I’ve had over the years would pull on me what was supposed to be an apology but was, in reality, a guilt trip. This would happen when I would call them out in some way over something that they did in order to throw their weight around because of their earliest birth date. The script was always the same: “Well, excuse me. I’m only trying to help. I’m doing this only because I care. But, okay. If you don’t want my help, I won’t say another word. I made a mistake. I’m so sorry.”
@@CommonEgo Often, it s not even said in a sarcastic way but more of a serious one aiming to make you feel really bad and wrong about claiming an apology for someone who only did what they did because they love and care for you. That you re in the wrong and should feel really bad. I had this one said to me dozens of times over the years from my mother and one of my sisters.
Extremely helpful. Thank you! Especially the part about the 4 R’s. How you explained the differences between the faux and real versions applies directly to a narc coworker I’ve been having trouble with lately. The timing couldn’t be more perfect.
For so many years, I knew nothing about specific terms used in psychology referring to personality disorders. All I knew was that any apology I received from my now ex-husband felt stilted and somewhat empty. My point is, trust how you feel. You just know when it’s not sincere and complete. Your soul will bear witness to that so, listen. Apology is an art in a way that we don’t learn or teach. It takes a willingness to look at your intentions, words and actions and own how you’ve hurt someone. It’s humbling. I’ve learned so much by not receiving true apologies. And I’ve been guilty too. I value honesty so much more now because it leads to cultivating healthy relationships. Healthy relationships feel good!!!
Just a sweet bit of revenge, having been ruined by too many narcissists. I walked into a beautiful narc trap, career type - perfect scam, red flags flying everywhere...so once it dawned on me it was a trauma bond - I ended it. He asked me why and I said, "Because narcissistic assholes never say they are sorry, and never take accountability for their actions." To which he replied, "I'm sorry I hurt your feels, I wish you a good life." And my final comment was..."No you're not, but that's ok too." ;) Mic drop.
There's a 4th type of fake apology that is truly manipulation. My ex did this all the time. He would apologise for something small or some small fraction of the whole. For example, he'd say "I really shouldn't have said I wanted to sleep with other people. I'm sorry I said that." when the actual issue was that he didn't value me at all and wanted to sleep with other women. These little apologies sounded like he was actually sorry. It felt like he recognised a problem. But he never owned the actual issues.
I’ve had this exact conversation. He even added that although that’s what he wanted, he wouldn’t do it since it was a problem for me. Fauxpology, gaslighting, and triangulation all in one go.
I have had more then one counselor say that it is perfectly acceptable and even recommended to tell someone “I am sorry that you are upset” or “I am sorry you feel that way”. Because you can be sorry that your partner is upset but, not feel like your position was wrong. So in order to accept what is acceptable you can apologize for the upset feelings of your partner.
I'm experiencing this right now. I've gotten all of these again today after 6 months of enduring the wicked tools of this very hurtful person. I need the strength to get free. Pray for me.
Sometimes after he is awful I get ignored for days, other times i get this sincere apology where it sounds like he's done all kinds of self-reflection. I think he might even feel sorry sometimes, but its more for himself. I think he just knows what I need to hear and apologizes because HE wants it to be over. Try to actually discuss what hurt you and they will switch right back to verbally abusing and doing the same thing they just apologized. Its all about them.
Unfortunately I never heard any apologies or fake ones they just acted as if nothing happened . They never take responsibility for anything I'm always to blame . If I do confront them they would say I never done or said that or you take life too seriously or you're crazy or why are you so sensitive ? Etc .
Don't be sorry, just be a decent person. We all have narcissism. It is why we feed ourselves. A coworker was cross talking about me gold bricking at home, when in actuality, I was caring for myself and my roommate who is immune deficient, during the Covid crisis. His feauxpology was "I'm sorry I used your situation to tell a joke." I had to actually spell it out like I was talking to a six year old.
This! This is the part I'm focusing as I'm healing. Thanks for making things clear. It also helps in knowing how to be a healthier person. I don't like hurting people; I avoid it because when I do I don't know how to take responsibility other than not do it again.
I’m not totally clear on the third type of apology 🤔 Great video, tho, and so resonant. Never getting a real apology was a huge red flag in my marriage before I even knew what “emotional abuse” was. Very much appreciate you including that term in this video too. Most of the videos on UA-cam only refer to narcissists, which has left me feeling confused, even 5 years out of the marriage. Tactics are the same in emotional abuse even if not a narcissist. Thanks for your videos! Great work!
The "look I'm sorry you feel like" or the super generic "nobody is perfect" all that generic language used to send me threw the roof. Its the inability to be accountable.
After 25 years of no contact from me after I left my 10 year trauma bonded relationship, my ex narc apologized for his immaturity and seemed genuinely sorry. We have both been married to other people all these years. It felt genuine, but he did it at my mom's funeral ( showed up there), and seemed desperate to let me know this. The aftermath of seeing him has had me reeling for months thinking maybe he is a better man now. Nothing since then, so I am hoping he meant it and was truly trying to make amends. Everything I read tells me i am a fool to believe it. I hope he did mean it. It meant A LOT to me.
So many times, the non apology, "I'm sorry you're not happy about... I can never please you." Slather on the guilt and blame, while acting the wounded self pitying martyr. Followed by punishment by the silent/ sulking treatment, while they lick their wounds for weeks at a time, while they mould you into compliance. Then add passive agressive noncomittal attempts to appear "helpful/ supportive." (But in reality it was always a "gotcha" at a critical time that you needed help and support. Only to be left high and dry to handle the hard stuff on your own). Or having little "accidents" happen. Like dropping things on you. Like leaving things laying about, in walkways for you to trip/step/hurt yourself on. Or to fall on. Or having a door slammed in your face. Or having the backs of your legs scratched up, by their toenails, while you sleep. Or "forgetting" to show up on time and leaving you stranded. Or saying "yes"/promising to do something and not doing it. (Then when confronted about it, saying that they never heard it. Or you never said it. Or accusing you of nagging). Followed by... "I'm sorry that you aren't happy about... I can never please you." They get what they want by training you to avoid all the crap that comes with any expectations. They are free to do as they please while keeping you in a cage, to be taken out and used at their convenience.
Well, the good thing about my covert finally turning overt, was that I was spared all the possible bullshit excuses. She didn't even bother to try . Not that I was going to buy any of that anyway.
Damn, I was “ hooked line and sinkered “ I always knew in my gut something wasn’t right. I was in denial. Possibly still , to a degree. Who wants to admit one was blind for ten years, for reasons being .
Living with a narcissist, I've heard the "I'm sorry, but" the most. The most annoying is not actually the apology, but how much she apologies for every little thing. All I can think is that if you were really sorry you wouldn't have done it more than once to begin with.
Just subscribed!,..thank you so much Christina!! Can relate to everything of what you explain in such understanding detail and you're so spot on!! So glad I found you!! For apologies, I often got "If it's going to make you feel better, then I'm sorry". Just crazy!
I have the problem of saying, “sorry, but...” I know it’s because I apologize for things that I should not be apologizing for. Sometimes I say “I’m sorry I lost my temper but...” it’s more because I just want it to stop fighting. I shouldn’t be apologizing for things that I am not sorry for or that I do not own. But just because someone says I’m sorry but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are a narcissist or a toxic person. It could quite possibly mean that that person came from an abusive upbringing and is a custom to apologizing for everything. I just wanted to put my take out there
An Apology without changed behavior is just manipulation.
Indeed ❤
Exactly
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees
Howdy! I would like to offer a slight reframing to that statement (which you may already share).
As I see it, EVERYONE manipulates. There are, as with narcissism, healthy and unhealthy forms of manipulation. People who know how to get what they want without making things more distressing for themselves or others have effective behaviors. The people who are /experienced/ as "manipulative people", "toxic people", or "not truly sorry" are people who probably have unhealthy ways of trying to get their needs met in relationships. The kicker is, healthy patterns are LEARNED behaviors, and learning takes time and practice.
To be clear: If a situation feels unsafe, that's not the time to question your instincts! Absolutely get out of an unsafe situation.
If a situation feels /uncomfortable/ or /painful/, but not truly unsafe, completely cutting the person off and labeling them as "toxic" when they repeat the same hurtful behavior may not be appropriate or necessary. If your loved one shows a genuine commitment to healing and treatment, it’s understandable to feel cautious or uncertain as to whether they will follow through and shift behavior -- and there are definitely circumstances where it DOES NOT make sense to wait and see whether the treatment is effective. However, some disorders have gained a very stigmatized relationship as untreatable when they ARE actually treatable. Seeking evaluation and treatment may be the only change someone knows how to make in that moment, and finding the right therapeutic program also takes time. These efforts can themselves be significant indicators of sincerity!
Moral of the story: IMO, demonstrated commitment to the PROCESS of healing is in itself behavior change, even though it might not be the specific change you’d like to eventually see. Interpersonal behavior exists on a very complex spectrum, not a binary between “healthy” and “abusive”. Someone’s best effort early in the process might not look like much change, but the people who are sincere in their apology -- and truly do care -- will do the hard work required to recover. By the same token, people sincere in their support of their loved one will do the hard work of being patient with the recovery process. Ideally, the skills that that each person learns in their individual recovery process will also lead to mutual learning and healing in the relationship. Relationship always takes two people.
So true.
When an apology starts off with "IF" I've done anything to hurt you ". That's not an apology.
Very true!
JACKIE WELCH Not very helpful either without addressing the hurtful behavior
Lmao @my ex narcissist bff
So I did this out of habit of hearing it for so long. Im also ESL and didnt know about all this toxic behavior til recently. Someone did point it out to me and it really hit me and I felt so bad. I tried to correct myself but was blocked. Now I know better and still feel bad about it til this day and any time Ive used it without knowing how hurtful it really was.
So true.. it's always IF as if the other person is not even sure 🙄
The worst hurdle when trying to triumph over a narcissist is realizing that they literally feel nothing for you unless it benefits them. Dreadful creatures
My cover narc "sister" told me "you have no feelings" more than once. Of course, that's a lie and now I know she was projecting her lack of ANY feelings onto me. Now I know they are empty and cannot feel anything besides the basic instinctive stuff, like hunger or thirst. Some even have problems with sexual arousing. The narcissists cheating on their spouses do it for different reasons than pure physical attraction. Anyways, they cannot feel anything, therefore they cannot love. In other words, how are they going to love and respect someone else, if they don't do that to themselves? Answer: they can't and aren't going to! I had been wondering for years how the narcissists present in my childhood and early adulthood were attached to their friends and why they showed so much affection to them so quickly. It took and still takes me a very long time to be close to anyone and I'm very careful to whom I show affection. Now I know: their feelings were never real; it was just one big show played out for the crowd.
omg i just had this realization recently about someone
no wonder that replying to that person felt like a chore to me, i was replying to an empty shell
@@FruityHachi crazy thought.. How sad for them
@@agnieszkalibera5809 so sad so true
@toilet paper well if you want to return all those positives to your partner then no, that doesn't sound to me like a narc
narcs are selfish, they only care about themselves, want their partner to be perfect but they don't want to work on themselves nor reciprocate anything
4 components of a genuine apology:
1. Recognition
2. Responsibility
3. Remorse
4. Repair
3 types of narcissistic fake apologies:
1. The FAUXPOLOGY (i'm sorry you're feeling bad, i'm sorry you're hurt, i'm sorry my words hurt your feelings). They are apologizing for sth they don't own-your feelings; their words don't mean a thing.
2. "I'm sorry BUT" (E.g. i'm sorry but it's all your fault. I'm sorry I yelled but if you didn't press me I wouldn't have lied , I'm sorry I cheated but you were not giving me enough attention)
3. The BOLD-FACED LIE:
(More common with covert type, when they are desperate).
It looks almost like an appology. Especially when you're in trauma bond, you will know they are lying but will have a difficulty making rational decisions about them . You will want to believe what they are saying. You will think they:
- are actually sorry
- are acknowledging they did sth wrong
- know they've hurt your feelings and care about them
- because they've appologized you can leave this behind and move on.
What they are really saying: "I'm sorry I'm not getting what I want" .
Why are the above 3 types not true apologies:
1. Fauxpology: no responsability. Boldly and blatantly NOT taking responsibility.
2. "I'm sorry BUT" : recogntion but NO responsibilty (also no remorse and no repair).
3. The bold-faced lie: none of this.
They might do sth in the moment to make you feel better, but will continue with their behaviour. If they repeat it, they are doing it on purpose.
They just want what they want and don't care if they hurt you. So they were never sorry in the first place.
Thank you for posting this.
Agree with the 1st reply. I have issues focusing on information if I can't take it in fast enough. Your comment really helped me absorb everything from this video. Thank you so much! 🙏
The 1st one I don't get...All I want from my partner is to say 'sorry I have hurt your feelings..' even 'Sorry that you are hurting and taking it this way'
Is that wrong?
Another example is, "I don't know what I did, but whatever it was I'm sorry."
Ah, the general sorry for nothing. That's a great example of a fauxpology 🙏❤
@@victoriadorgu3207 If you have a need to investigate/hack etc., then you already know what is going on. Trust your gut. Intuition is everything.
@@jackiewelch4978 it's just some one advertising a product. Not a person that actually had that experience. :/
Omg yes I've heard that a million times. Or "what is wrong with you I never said that but sorry anyways"
Or "I apologize for anything and everything!" Lets not forget the emotional whip that comes with it. The tone of the voice indicates that it is an insult and not an apology.
Anytime I was granted even a fake apology, it always started with “I’m sorry you....” followed by gaslighting and pointing out something I had done in the past, that had NOTHING to do with what we were discussing at the time.
Exactly, "I'm sorry you..." is what I call a "decoy apology."
Right
You are right! Exactly the same happened to me!
That's the shit that my ex would do.
oh my gosh yea
I am sorry that YOU feel that way.
Yes! Thats what I got almost all the time! Eventually I responded with "I'm not"
Oh my god!,,, it’s so scripted!,,, fake
I HATE the hypocrisy of the fauxpology. It's such a pitiful little pose in its manner of pretending to have feelings for you at all.
Dead giveaway the person is a manipulator. It translates to "no, I didn't do anything wrong. I deflect blame to you"....which lets me conclude: this relationship goes no further my untrustworthy acquaintance.
I have zero tolerance for that junk. Life is too short to mess with it any further once its reared its ugly head.
@@dianefarley37 yes, and totally heightens the anger in the moment because it insults your intelligence at the same time LOL and either they know that and do it to trigger you OR they are really that stupid🤷♀️ either way infuriating and I don't have time for that nonsense🤣 ecause it is nonsense. I thank God for His grace ? (which I'll share from way far off) AND HIS WISDOM TO LET ME KNOW I DON'T STICK AROUND FOR THAT KIND OF TIME WASTER.🙌 🙂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
When my emotional abuser told me " I never meant to hurt you." My knee jerk response was to tell him, " But you didn't care if you did." I didn't realize at that moment how profound my response was.
*You didn't attract Narcissist into your life, but they are the one who ATTRACTED to YOU*
Because YOU shine like a gemstone with high qualities that they couldn't find in other supply.
Just be aware of the Red Flags...no matter how attractive is the person physically..If you feel uncomfortable interacting with someone who is making you to do things which is not typical YOU.
just say "No..Thank you"..Instead of dealing with the stupidity.. do something cool for yourself and enjoy your life.
Instead of feeling bad, be thankful something made you to go through this so that you can easily sense next time this type of personality appears with different look.
It just will take one second to change your mind when you realize they are not clean internal and external.
💖💖 *Take a good care of yourself guys* 💖💖
I shall remember this
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” Followed by “Lighten up.” Or, “Cheer up.”
Roundabout ways of saying, "get over it"
Common Ego Exactly! 👍
Breakthrough Moment
Or ‘you’re so sensitive’
Pip Pipster but They are very thin-skinned
Yep
The hardest part is you absolutely know 100% that they are toxic and no good for you but you still miss them sometimes. 🤦🤦🤦
You do not miss them, merelly the Illusion of who they were, which they created during Lovebombing.....and wanted you to believe who they were.
After a while you don't even think about them
Dude the most common one I got was
“I didn’t know it would affect you, but now that it did I am sorry”
that sounds like a real apology.
They are basically saying that they do think of you when considering what action to take/words to speak and that they went ahead and did or said that thing with a clear conscience because nothing had alerted them to the fact that you would be negatively impacted by it.
And they are saying - now I know that it did affect you, I am sorry I did that.
The real test is if they do it again now, knowing that it will affect you.
KP yeah but it depends what that type of apology is over. My ex would say to me after straight up calling me a “nasty person” calling me horrible and telling me to fuck off that she thought things like that would only affect her and didn’t realise other people would get offended by that. It’s a complete lack of remorse covered up by an excuse of “I didn’t realise it would hurt you”
@@kj_______ Depends on what they really though when "apologizing."
This is basically after he lied to me, emotionally abused me with actions, words and mind games. How can one not know how much this can affect someone. They play dumb on purpose.
"I'm sorry you feel that way", "... but you hurt me too", "...but you forced me to do this." Yep, heard it all.
The "but you hurt me too" is justified.
I can't stand those who can't accept responsibility for their role in conflicts and have this mindset their their 100% right and the victim. Those people to me are either delusional or clueless.
My favorite one is "I thought I already apologized"
J A S , wow that one takes the cake! 🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣
😄😁🤣🤣🤣
I wonder what is in their head as their so called apology.
My brothers favourite one. I told him that i would remember the apology and not to insult me further by calling my memory into question
When they say "I'm sorry" in a hateful, condescending tone.
They say it like that because they have actual contempt for your feelings and humanity. It's an inconvenient burden for them they resent having to deal with.
@ Nancy
That normally happens when person #2 refuses to apologize their their OWN role in a conflict. Apologies need to be given by all parties not just one! Otherwise nothing chances! Nothing gets resolved.
My mother - check☑
@@amylee8969 Normal, healthy constructive arguments ending in sincere apologies from BOTH sides don't take place when in conflict with a narcissist. When a narcissist senses that they are losing control of an issue they will resort to gaslighting, manipulation, brainwashing, verbal/emotional/mental abuse etc. Narcissists target empathetic people since empathy is something that a narcissist lacks therefore Person#2, the "victim", likely has no issue sincerely apologizing for their part in a conflict. Narcissists will give a fake insincere apology then start a smear campaign and/or stonewall their victim as a punishment for arguing.
@@amylee8969 bullshit
If one person hurt the other why would both apologise
U sound like a narc
When u don’t accept fake apology , the mask slips within microseconds !!😜
Haha 😅
UNIVERSE Indeed!!
OMG YES IT DOES
For them, even the very act of apologizing alone is too much. Not accepting it, has the effect of the Chernobyl's graphite rod tips, getting in the nuclear reactor before the boron.
😂😂😂
A real apology starts with "I'm sorry I". A fake one starts with "I'm sorry you"
Or worse, I am sorry if you… 😂
@ Audrey L
A real apology ends with person #2 saying “I’m sorry for what I did too”.
There’s always two sides to every story and it takes two to tango.
“I said I did all those things, how many times do I have to apologize!” Never actually apologizing, always finding a way not to.
hahahah My narcissist friend just pulled that on me. He said he apologized for that dozens of times im not going to apologize now for you to keep bringing it back up. He Never did and i told him that.
"I'm sorry babe" hearing that makes you feel like maybe they finally understand. Then sometimes in the very same say they are doing the same thing again. It gets to a point where you just give up.
The narcissist is UNABLE to PROPERLY and MEANINGFULLY apologise.
As in UNABLE.
-
Oh ... but they CONSTANTLY want apologies from everyone else.
I always got the “ oh I am so sorry for speaking to you that way I would never let someone speak to me like that” only for her to do it again 3 days later.
Another one I got often was " I'm sorry. Forgive me?" With the last question stated as a demand. It was such a trap. If I didn't forgive and forget on the spot all hell would break loose.
It is so overwhelming to see how common is narcissism!!!!! NARCISSISTS are everywhere.
"I'm sorry for the way I am" *nothing changes*
"I'm sorry I haven't been myself lately"
Continues...
well we can't change drastically in a few weeks or days.
This feels like a punch in my soul to be on the other side of this! My dude was moody, snappy, rude to me all weekend. Then when I asked if anything was wrong he barked at me ”It’s not about you!”😡 Yelled at me! Like I’m some kind of a$$ because I asked what was wrong. Then a few days later I tried talking to him saying I didn’t like the way he talked to me all weekend. It’s ok to have a mood but please be nice to me. First he said he didn’t remember. Then I gave examples. Then he was upset that I wanted to talk about something that happened a few days ago. Then I said it was still bothering me. Then his next point was “it’s 99.9 % your perception!” I wouldn’t let him off the hook. No you said this, it was rude. Finally he apologized for being in a mood but never acknowledged being mean or rude. This was the final straw when I realized this is distorted! I can’t do it anymore. This situation was very minor compared to many many many other 💩 storms I’ve dealt with. I just can’t do it anymore!
I can talk with my narcissistic partner for hrs when they've done something terrible.
They'll cry, they'll say sorry but...they'll even sit and discuss how a healthy relationship needs to work and how they so want our relationship to be healthy. Be super convincing.
Wow! She seems to get it. And then she'll say...so in this situation that we fell out about. How do I apply this healthy relationship stuff and get what i want....my heart sinks as i realise she understands nothing. And nothing has changed.
maybe when your "heart sinks" for the last time you will finally be able to grieve and let go.
Mine actually said. “I’m so sorry I know I can be a douchebag”. At least there’s a glimmer of honesty in that one.
But it's making it about apologizer instead of the receiver
My narc father has attempted to apologize to me on several occasions but has never been able to take real responsibility for his actions. My favorite was, " for all the physical and emotional abuse I MAY have caused."
Craig Conenna My husband says the same thing!! MAY have caused 😡
Or the "I'm sorry, it's because of my trauma". That's the one I used to get a lot. He blamed it on his childhood trauma or whatever shit he was dealing with at the time. I was a stupid sucker for that one for a long time.
Or you get the one where they try to turn it into a compliment/love bomb. "I'm so sorry I just get crazy when I think I might lose you".
oh ya i get that one
Elise in the Attic If they keep doing the same thing again and again they definitely aren’t sorry
Yes.
@Elise in the attic
in response to the apologies that trail off into the 'its because of this' territory - I would make a distinction crystal clear to them:
reasons and/or context
VS
Accountability
everyone has a reason why or a context wothin which they did or said something wrong.
reasons give us undersranding as to how or why a thing occurred.
it's interesting at best but not necessary for an apology.
Accountability, however, gives us ownership or what you did or said wrong regardless of the reasons why you chose that action.
And this is needed for a real apology to have taken place.
For instance, if someone runs over my foot with their car and tells me it was because the mechanic didnt fo what he was supposed to and the clutch slipped, which made the car jump forward - thats a great reason and all to give me understanding of WHY it occurred but it DOES NOT negate responsibility on the drivers part to simply own the fact that the car they were in charge of has gone over my foot and negatively impacted my life.
In fact, whether or not a person wants to even HEAR the reason is entirely up yo the injured party.
Apologies are about;
• acknowledging what occurred
• being fully accountable
• having empathy for the impact it had on the other party
and
• lastly, finding a solution to both recompense what has already happened and safeguard your relationship from it ever happening again
so somebody shifting responsibility because they had a shitty childhood is a person that is telling you they are never going to change and you and anyone else in their orbit is going to have to pay the price for what happened to them indefinitely.
My mother blames her age. Smooth operators they are.
Here's my favourite to add to the collection: "Can't you just forgive me?"- when they haven't even apologized to you!!
In my experience the “fake apology” has been more like they are truly sorry…but they are only sorry that THEY got caught or called out on a lie, poor or disrespectful behavior, cheating, gaslighting or any of the typical patterns of the covert narcissist. It took me years of feeling completely defeated and hopeless in my relationship with my husband to finally come across this almost flawless description of what I was dealing with consistently. And the cycles and patterns of this behavior that was driving me crazy and causing me to question everything about myself and what or how I was doing so many things wrong was finally explained! But I still continued to second guess myself over and over because I kept believing every time he said he was sorry and going to do better because I love him. I want so badly for everything to be healed or fixed and normal. I don’t think I can ever really leave him because I still keep believing he’d not survive without me desperately trying to keep his life together and smooth. He has me feeling like I’m the only one responsible for handling everything! And he’s a 58 yr old accomplished and successful airline captain! Yet he can’t remember to feed our dog or take them out to use the bathroom so I am in a constant state of high awareness and alertness and never feel I can relax. He has so many interest that do not involve me or remotely interest me that I can’t keep up with what cycling thing is his current obsession. And I do mean obsession. He will live and breathe whatever his new thing is and be completely offended that I am not into or interested in his “thing”. He feels I should make efforts to like whatever he’s into in order for us to spend time together and never my own interest. It’s maddening. The difference now even though I just can’t leave him is that I say no. I try to do things I enjoy although limited and I’m always aware and conscious of how long I may be away from the house so as not to anger him too much. I just walk on those eggshells and tread lightly to attempt to have some form of an enjoyable life. It’s a very lonely and anxiety ridden way of life but at least I know what I’m dealing with an no longer just believing I’m crazy or a selfish person who just has to always be right and impossible to reason with. Those are a few of the words I hear consistently. He is consistent in a few things. Those things are his inconsistency, lying, promises not kept, oh and a biggie is him thinking if enough time passes after a big screw up of his…it is less intense and in his mind disappears as if it never occurred. So avoidance and denial! I truly feel I could write a book on the events that I’ve experienced in the almost 10 years of marriage that would literally baffle most people who only know his public persona. Because his private true self is a 180. Even my adult son ( from previous marriage years before I married my current husband of who I’m speaking) only witnesses a fraction of this behavior and knows there’s a major awkwardness and weird and inconsistent vibe/personality about him. Anyone experiencing these or even a few of these behaviors without knowledge or education on what is actually happening is in serious emotional and mental danger. Thank you Christina for educating and affirming these things we are questioning. It’s sooooo important.
*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
@Common Ego Hey Christina!! Boy you are outstanding!!! 😉😘🙏♥️
@@BigPete44 🤣 thanks
@@BigPete44 True 💜😊🙏!
This was accompanied by a very melodramatic demeanor and a quite hurt tone of voice. I just “didn’t understand”. (Sorry that it came in two parts. Pressed the wrong button).
Common Ego I find what’s most frustrating is when I have great content *ahem* to put up Im literally stonewalled in putting it up. The narcissistic revenge aftermath, simple put
Always never their fault!! thank you so much for describing the infuriating feeling ❤️
Accepting a narcissist's crocodile tears and fake apologies are like giving them the green light to keep on abusing. An apology with ulterior motives behind it doesn't mean anything. Generally speaking, throw everything before but out the window and you're left with the truth. The fake apologies are rarely if ever congruent with their actions or true intent.
I also just want to say that as someone with a past of intense emotional & physical abuse, (on the other side of it all now) you do an incredible job of calmly & directly breaking down topics that can be extremely emotional & arming people with knowledge.
Just wonderful💖🎉💕
He says sorry once. His exact words were "I apologize for saying you were insignificant and unimportant". He said that in September 2019. He didn't personalize it. It felt like he was kinda sincere. Two weeks later he went on vacation with his friends and I watched his daughter. A few weeks later he began to act kinda distant. By mid-November he was back to the same behavior that he apologized for. If he was my 13 year old son I'd be more understanding but he's a 39 man and at 42 I was tired. On December 4th I was done with it. Lack of respect and understanding.
I had a similar thing with my covert narc "friend" a few years ago. I didn't know abut PTSD and toxic people abuse back then. I simply wrote her an "I don't like you, here's why and I don't want to be your acquaintance, anymore" message on FB and I later blocked her. The best thing you can do is ditch them.
Oh lord..... when things were starting to get to their worst with my narcissistic ex, and I was catching her in her lies and foolishly trying to reason with her, the conversation kept going in circles over and over, endlessly. But every single time it went full circle and I warned her that her lying and her behavior was inexcusable, all she would respond with was "I'm sorry you feel that way" and she would repeat it over and over until I was ready to scream!!!
Here’s what I got: “I’m sorry you misunderstood...”
Sounds like gaslighting
Oh now about, saying sorry ONLY after they got caught.
Ughhh whenever I’d get mad at my ex he wouldn’t even apologize,
he’d sigh and say “so what do you want to do”
Thank you for this video. It’s comforting to have someone recognize these types of interactions. I got a “I’m sorry that you’re so sensitive” before I got the living daylights beat out of me. I remarried and fell into the same trap and remarried another abusive narcissist. I guess my experiences/choices led me to recognize that I have attachment issues which stem from very early abuse. I’m working on that. But at the first sign of a narcissist, step away!!
My narc's favorite fake apology: "You don't deserve what's been happening to you."
I have never had an apology from a narcissist husband or bf. The only narcissist who apologized to me was my mother, who would say something like "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." She did not apologize for hitting me, dragging me out of my chair and kicking me, whaling on me with a pair of shoes, or making me cry. She never stated what she actually did as part of her apology. When the love of my life announced he was exiting the friendship, first he said, "Oh, now I've hurt your feelings" as I stood there trying not to blubber, and then, "I know what you want and I can't give it to you." If I had been tougher I would have said, "Why not?" "What is it you think I want?" But his first words disarmed me. Yet weeks later, he told me he remembered that moment, where we were standing (in the apartment doorway), and that I was crying - as if he was still puzzled why I should be. He knew the depth of my feelings for him because I told him and I acted on them! Yet he still could not seem to relate. His mind was made up way ahead of that moment and nothing could bend him.
"I'm sorry"
Long pause. "I know I did you wrong on alot of levels. I want to be a good friend too you"
After a seperation and he ghosted prior for five months.
Thank you. I broke up with my GF and much of me falling out of love with her was bc of her insincere and narcissistic apologies. There was other stuff equally bad and even worse but this one hurt because even after I broke it off she still didn’t get it no matter how much I tried to explain hoping it would have triggered a change. Then a couple weeks ago she came into my home while I was gone (she has a key I need back) and when I called her on it she apologized then said she had to do it bc I had a few I hadn’t given back to her yet. Meanwhile she’s blocked me on Facebook and blocked my phone. Your video helped me put away her photos I kept out. Mostly to recognize what she did do good for me and send her well wishes but I don’t cry wanting her back. Thank you again.
i know this comment you made was 3 years ago but i am dealing with this right now. my girlfriend just wont hear my point of view when it comes to her toxic behavior and when i talk i get these fake apologies which in turn make me also love slightly less and less. from one person to another i hope youre doing well now as i know how hard this crap is to deal with
My husband does what my daughter calls a non-apology. “I’m sorry if you thought that I was .....” for example.
I just heard "Im sorry you feel that way" and "I can say Im sorry but its in the past." Yup from my last closest friend. Becoming healthier, losing weight, going sober, putting myself and family first last year really revealed how much of a narcissist magnet I am.
My mother is narcissistic so I believe its been conditioned into me but Im working on that and my own toxic behaviors as well. Now im a hermit with no friends but life is more peaceful. It sucks and I hope I find genuine friends in the future.
They weren't your real friends
@@Melbester9 oh i figured that. I axed everyone out. A lot of the peoole who claimed they loved me were using me for my support, love, resources, or whatever. Now im a lone wolf and doing better than before.
@@sarawr5949 Yeah same here. My narc was a False Twin Flame from same country as me, Dominican Republic 🇩🇴 and had my Spiritual Awakening late 2019 before pandemic.
We started off really bad but now we're working on the friendship but the feelings are still there and I haven't met my real Twin yet. I can't hate her because she's still a part of me and she knows that.
But we talk a lot now. Just crazy. Always saying honey and babe.
Oh my gosh!!! When you quoted the phrase: "I'm sorry YOU feel that way!" & "I'm sorry, BUT..", my eyes literally widened and I could feel my eyebrows shoot up on my face! 😮
Holy Crap! I wondered about this but dismissed it because there've been times when my Dad has been able to show some level of kindness. Though I remember wishing I could be like other kids I'd observe whether on film or from those of whom I associated with growing up. I'm not sure which type he is, but I wish I was able to feel safe talking about deeper stuff with him and connecting on an emotional level. 😏😟
It is hard to watch this video and see my own behaviour being described but thank you for explaining in which way(s) these types of apologies are fake and manipulative. Necessary for both sides' growth.
" I forgive you for all the things you have done to hurt me, and I hope you forgive me". Faux apology #100,000,000
You got it right. Never ever will I allow myself to be put in this situation ever again. Lessons learned more importantly I am healing from narcissistic Abuse of three years
“ I didn’t tell you because I was scared of how you’d react” (after getting a new supply within a week)
“ I didn’t tell you because I didn’t get the chance to” (after getting a new supply within a week)
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t have time” (getting a new supply within a week)
“I did that because I was in a hurry, I didn’t mean to hurt you” (after flaunting stuff with the new supply)
“ I wasn’t patronizing you, I was just in a hurry” (after flaunting stuff with the new supply)
“ I didn’t know my actions would affect you, I was taking my time too.” (after days of silent treatment)
" I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings" ( after she left my bed in the morning and joined her next supply that same evening!)
Sickening.
These all sound so horribly familiar.
Hey, I just wanted to say thank you. My girlfriend & I broke up sometime ago and your videos have been a really big help for me. 🙏🏼❤️
Lately I have been thinking about “the different types of gaslight”. I find that there is gaslight that is very obvious for someone that knows about this topic, and another type of gaslight that is so much harder to spot, more like covert gaslight because it is literally disguised as something else. For example, a narc could gaslight you but try to disguise it as an “explanation”, or as “I am the expert and I am sharing my knowledge”, or as “I do this to protect you”, when in reality it was all to hurt you and rewire your brain to think dysfunctionally.
Do you think you can make a video in this topic as well?
Yes, that's a great idea! ❤🙏
Yes! Yes!!. You are so right on this. I'm glad to see you can see it for what it is.
Another good point!
Oh my goshhhh the “I was just explaining why I did it” was the absolute worst excuse that accompanied the “apology”. I thought I was going crazy by calling him out for this one but I’m so glad I recognized it and saw this comment!!
“I’m the expert...” & “I know more about this than you do, so let me explain...” & “YOU are focused on One Thing, and not taking into account all of...” ~ Yep, received a Whole Lot of these... 🤨
Omg im literally getting all these "I'm sorry" texts while I'm watching this. Going through a divorce. He cheated on me a lot but he thinks I only know about one time that he claims he hid from me for 7 years bc "it was a repressed memory that it happened" 😂😂 cheating on your wife out of spite isnt a repressed memory. I know my self worth now. Good bye!
So happy to hear that! ❤
stay strong!
This is EXACTLY what my mother just sent me. She’s sorry, but it’s my fault that I didn’t tell her at the time how I felt. She only figured it out after talking to my father who told her it was her tone. She could not figure this out when I said she was acting like a bully.
This apology came recently after she attempted to gaslight me, blame me for her behavior, and bribe me.
Thank you for this. I was almost considering accepting her words. I wont dignify her words as an apology.
OMG.....this is the first I've heard of the phrase identifiable fake apologizes!!! Thank you...thank you for posting this. One of the huge things I'd say to my x fiancee was that his apologies weren't sincere. I had nothing to base that on other than it never felt right! I'd always tell him that an apology doesn't end with "but"!!!! I would tell him a sincere apology didn't require an apology in return! He even threatened me with "future lies" because telling me the truth didn't matter anyway!!! Why didn't I respect myself enough to respond to the red flags at the beginning? I could have saved myself time, money and mental health!!!! I was right....he wasn't sincere.....no wonder I never felt safe and was a crazy woman!!!!!! 😔😔
"I'm sorry... but."
Continues to defend themselves and continue the conflict.
Sometimes it's justified.
For instance, "I'm sorry I know I was wrong but what you did was Wrong too and here is why_____."
I've personally given that apology as I wanted the other person to be aware of their role in the conflict and take responsibility Instead of playing the victim.
"I'm sorry I am not the man you want me to be." Yes, I have received all of these faux-pologies from my husband over the 30+ yrs we've been married. I am still in this marriage and still under the same roof. However, I am slowly moving toward the door. I know what he is now and what his tactics are. I am going Grey rock for now until I can go fully no contact. I have also become aware of my trauma bond and codependent tendency towards him. I am, for the first time in my (almost) 51 yrs of life, beginning to accept that I have to change myself and not expect him to. He won't, can't or whatever but I can and will (& have already begun to do so).
@@oscarwilliamson1128 thank you for saying that. I have gone back and forth...searching the Bible and praying constantly for answers...stay or truly leave. So far now, I don't engage and basically trying to Grey Rock. Wow, that's not easy and I struggle to not say anything back. Used to think, "if I say nothing all that does is show him he can say whatever and it's all fine (in his mind, I'm loving his treatment)." Now I know it's the way I need to be because of Yahuah...
This video is very helpful to me as I am dealing with someone who is relentless to receive my apology so we can go back to how we were. I have received all three faux apologies within the course of two months and it is very frustrating. It was: 1.) I'm sorry you're hurting- then proceeded to subtly blame me for what happened. 2.) I'm sorry but- I got a 3-paged letter explaining how confused and hurt this person was with the intention to justify actions, project the blame to me to the point of undoing. Absolutely the best example of not taking responsibility for their actions. 3.) The bold-paged I'm sorry- The crocodile tears and the "I can't believe I did this to you" wording without seeing an actual remorse and action for repair. All them 3 are actually frustrating to me but what triggered me the most is the second one. I used to feel bitter imagining how the person tries to take advantage of my patience and diplomatic response. I was like, "Do you really think I'm that stupid?" But I thank God I got to watch your other video about how to outsmart narcissists to spare my emotions coz I used to get baited before. Now I knew better. So thank you.
A 4th type of apology could be: they give you a real apology and then at some point later, days or weeks or even months later, though i found it to be kess than 2 weeks later, they take the apology back with as n excuse for what they did.
I heard this several times: ''I know I have some issues BUT...'' and then I was guilty of everything. Hahahaha classic NAR.
Its a fine line, but there is a definite distinction between saying "I'm sorry you feel hurt", and "I'm sorry *I* hurt you".
Good work. I'm liking your channel and your insight. I'm 4 years out of a 20 year marriage to a narc and still binge watch these videos. Probably because it's still hard to believe someone can be as malicious as they are and mostly because I kept falling for the lies hoping things would change. I was so weak as a person, couldn't protect myself and my kids. So stupid. Listen to me rant now, like a fool. At least my punctuation is accurate, I think.
It's hard to understand the lack of empathy, and we've all been duped on some level. If they weren't convincing, they wouldn't be as dangerous as they are. Don't blame yourself. And your punctuation is on point! 🙏❤
@@CommonEgo Thank you but I do feel some level of responsibility for what happened. I think deep inside I knew it was wrong to keep believing her and not listening to my gut. I also know it was my childhood trauma that kept me there. So the mental and emotional torment led me to what felt like I was dying. That could have been avoided if I was more of a man about it. Now my biggest regret is what my kids go through.
Thanks for listening and your awesome videos. They really do help me get a grip on life.
@@hassanchop3622 I believe all of what you're saying to be true except for the "should haves." We do need to own our part when we're ready to, but there are reasons it takes the time it does. I completely understand where you're coming from, tho. I have a video on why we don't recognize a abuse and a few on the trauma bond you may find helpful ❤
@@CommonEgo thank you I'll check them out. Peace ✌️
I found myself saying "I'm sorry for hurting you by the words I said," but it wasn't a faeuxpogy, it was apologizing to her after I had addressed her neglectful treatment toward me. She was upset I was making her feel bad by calling her out. She wasn't acknowledging that her actions/inactions were hurtful and was accusing me of making her feel bad for hurting me. So yes, I've used those words you mentioned in the feauxpology, but I was genuinely sorry for making her feel bad, however she wasn't recognizing her role in the problem.
She also responded with an "I'm sorry but..." That felt wonderful... I told her it would be best if we took a break after that. Of course she wasn't interested in reconciling. I was already pretty much discarded by then.
The worst one I’ve encountered is “no I’m not wrong. You just don’t wanna hear the truth”. This makes my blood boil, oml!
How about the one that is just a monotone, flat "I apologize" sometimes accompanied by an eyeroll. The fakest of them all.
"Forgive me" flat dry "forgive me"
"I apologise". No, not until you have said the words, "I'm sorry" and sincerely meant them have you apologised.
I only got an “apology” when I was literally out the door, in my car and ready to drive away for good. He only did that to rope me back in (only for his benefit- just like you said). And of course I fell for it every time. But the SECOND he had me back inside, he was yelling at me again and going on and on and on about how everything was my fault🙃
7:33 You don't hear people talk very often about my favorite character on Mr Rogers neighborhood!! :D I LOVE Daniel Tiger!!!
Such a great video! When my ex said "I Apologize if I did something to you ".....after gaslighting, cheating, and triangulating me for 8 months and crazy making after I uncovered what clearly was signs of cheating. But..."I Apologize if I did something to you"....made my whole being want to scream. This apology only came after no contact so it was a fake apology and a hoover all in one. I came to accept that I'll never get a genuine Apology from this person. Thank you so much for speaking the truth, you're helping so many people! ❤
Maybe I can add another one. My mom and my big sister, as well as some “friends” I’ve had over the years would pull on me what was supposed to be an apology but was, in reality, a guilt trip. This would happen when I would call them out in some way over something that they did in order to throw their weight around because of their earliest birth date. The script was always the same: “Well, excuse me. I’m only trying to help. I’m doing this only because I care. But, okay. If you don’t want my help, I won’t say another word. I made a mistake. I’m so sorry.”
Yup. You nailed #4... the sarcastic apology!
@@CommonEgo Often, it s not even said in a sarcastic way but more of a serious one aiming to make you feel really bad and wrong about claiming an apology for someone who only did what they did because they love and care for you. That you re in the wrong and should feel really bad.
I had this one said to me dozens of times over the years from my mother and one of my sisters.
Yeah... sorry/not sorry
I am very familiar with this one from my covert narc mother
Extremely helpful. Thank you! Especially the part about the 4 R’s. How you explained the differences between the faux and real versions applies directly to a narc coworker I’ve been having trouble with lately. The timing couldn’t be more perfect.
"I'm sorry I didn't meet your expectations, but you must admit that..."
Followed by repetition of the same behaviour in a couple of weeks.
For so many years, I knew nothing about specific terms used in psychology referring to personality disorders. All I knew was that any apology I received from my now ex-husband felt stilted and somewhat empty. My point is, trust how you feel. You just know when it’s not sincere and complete. Your soul will bear witness to that so, listen. Apology is an art in a way that we don’t learn or teach. It takes a willingness to look at your intentions, words and actions and own how you’ve hurt someone. It’s humbling. I’ve learned so much by not receiving true apologies. And I’ve been guilty too. I value honesty so much more now because it leads to cultivating healthy relationships. Healthy relationships feel good!!!
This is really therapeutic. Helps me know what real friends are.
“I’m so sorry I promise I’ll never do it again, you are my life”
(After verbally abusing me) BUT you pressed my buttons. 🙄
Desiree exactly the same that happens to me
Me too
Yep, it's your fault 😉
Just a sweet bit of revenge, having been ruined by too many narcissists. I walked into a beautiful narc trap, career type - perfect scam, red flags flying everywhere...so once it dawned on me it was a trauma bond - I ended it. He asked me why and I said, "Because narcissistic assholes never say they are sorry, and never take accountability for their actions." To which he replied, "I'm sorry I hurt your feels, I wish you a good life." And my final comment was..."No you're not, but that's ok too." ;) Mic drop.
Hmm. Sounds a little extreme. Lol.
There's a 4th type of fake apology that is truly manipulation. My ex did this all the time. He would apologise for something small or some small fraction of the whole. For example, he'd say "I really shouldn't have said I wanted to sleep with other people. I'm sorry I said that." when the actual issue was that he didn't value me at all and wanted to sleep with other women.
These little apologies sounded like he was actually sorry. It felt like he recognised a problem. But he never owned the actual issues.
I’ve had this exact conversation. He even added that although that’s what he wanted, he wouldn’t do it since it was a problem for me. Fauxpology, gaslighting, and triangulation all in one go.
Lmaooo imagine a narcissist is watching this 😂 you can’t be giving game on what a real apology is cause they will copy it 🥱
Lol they don't think they're narcissists so we're covered
I'm surrounded by these fake people. In their mind they can do anything, because they only have to apologize if they do something wrong.
I’m a narcissist. I realized this yesterday.
I have had more then one counselor say that it is perfectly acceptable and even recommended to tell someone “I am sorry that you are upset” or “I am sorry you feel that way”. Because you can be sorry that your partner is upset but, not feel like your position was wrong. So in order to accept what is acceptable you can apologize for the upset feelings of your partner.
I'm experiencing this right now. I've gotten all of these again today after 6 months of enduring the wicked tools of this very hurtful person. I need the strength to get free. Pray for me.
Sometimes after he is awful I get ignored for days, other times i get this sincere apology where it sounds like he's done all kinds of self-reflection. I think he might even feel sorry sometimes, but its more for himself. I think he just knows what I need to hear and apologizes because HE wants it to be over. Try to actually discuss what hurt you and they will switch right back to verbally abusing and doing the same thing they just apologized. Its all about them.
Recognition, responsibility, remorse, and repair
Responsibility for BOTH sides of the party.
If there's one thing I can't stand is one-sidedness.
Unfortunately I never heard any apologies or fake ones they just acted as if nothing happened . They never take responsibility for anything I'm always to blame . If I do confront them they would say I never done or said that or you take life too seriously or you're crazy or why are you so sensitive ? Etc .
That happens a lot too with narcissists and sometimes it's better that way (tho no less infuriating)
@@CommonEgo Sad but true but least we start too seeing them for who they really are .
@@Mike-xt2lh that's true. Many lessons in all this
Gaslighting 101
Narcs rarely apologise. They don't feel they've done anything wrong
Don't be sorry, just be a decent person. We all have narcissism. It is why we feed ourselves.
A coworker was cross talking about me gold bricking at home, when in actuality, I was caring for myself and my roommate who is immune deficient, during the Covid crisis. His feauxpology was "I'm sorry I used your situation to tell a joke." I had to actually spell it out like I was talking to a six year old.
This! This is the part I'm focusing as I'm healing. Thanks for making things clear. It also helps in knowing how to be a healthier person. I don't like hurting people; I avoid it because when I do I don't know how to take responsibility other than not do it again.
“I’m sorry IF I did something that upset you, but…”
I’m not totally clear on the third type of apology 🤔 Great video, tho, and so resonant. Never getting a real apology was a huge red flag in my marriage before I even knew what “emotional abuse” was. Very much appreciate you including that term in this video too. Most of the videos on UA-cam only refer to narcissists, which has left me feeling confused, even 5 years out of the marriage. Tactics are the same in emotional abuse even if not a narcissist. Thanks for your videos! Great work!
The "look I'm sorry you feel like" or the super generic "nobody is perfect" all that generic language used to send me threw the roof. Its the inability to be accountable.
He said that he’s not responsible for what I understood
That hurt my feelings
After 25 years of no contact from me after I left my 10 year trauma bonded relationship, my ex narc apologized for his immaturity and seemed genuinely sorry. We have both been married to other people all these years. It felt genuine, but he did it at my mom's funeral ( showed up there), and seemed desperate to let me know this. The aftermath of seeing him has had me reeling for months thinking maybe he is a better man now. Nothing since then, so I am hoping he meant it and was truly trying to make amends. Everything I read tells me i am a fool to believe it. I hope he did mean it. It meant A LOT to me.
So many times, the non apology,
"I'm sorry you're not happy about...
I can never please you."
Slather on the guilt and blame, while acting the wounded self pitying martyr.
Followed by punishment by the silent/ sulking treatment, while they lick their wounds for weeks at a time, while they mould you into compliance.
Then add passive agressive noncomittal attempts to appear "helpful/ supportive."
(But in reality it was always a "gotcha" at a critical time that you needed help and support. Only to be left high and dry to handle the hard stuff on your own).
Or having little "accidents" happen.
Like dropping things on you.
Like leaving things laying about, in walkways for you to trip/step/hurt yourself on. Or to fall on.
Or having a door slammed in your face.
Or having the backs of your legs scratched up, by their toenails, while you sleep.
Or "forgetting" to show up on time and leaving you stranded.
Or saying "yes"/promising to do something and not doing it.
(Then when confronted about it, saying that they never heard it. Or you never said it. Or accusing you of nagging).
Followed by...
"I'm sorry that you aren't happy about...
I can never please you."
They get what they want by training you to avoid all the crap that comes with any expectations.
They are free to do as they please while keeping you in a cage, to be taken out and used at their convenience.
You’re always on point Christina!! Helping so many people!! Thank you Beautiful!! 😘🙏♥️
Thanks, Pete! And always nice to see you here!! ❤
The feeling is mutual Christina! Lol ♥️
Well, the good thing about my covert finally turning overt, was that I was spared all the possible bullshit excuses. She didn't even bother to try . Not that I was going to buy any of that anyway.
Damn, I was “ hooked line and sinkered “ I always knew in my gut something wasn’t right. I was in denial. Possibly still , to a degree. Who wants to admit one was blind for ten years, for reasons being .
Living with a narcissist, I've heard the "I'm sorry, but" the most. The most annoying is not actually the apology, but how much she apologies for every little thing. All I can think is that if you were really sorry you wouldn't have done it more than once to begin with.
Just subscribed!,..thank you so much Christina!! Can relate to everything of what you explain in such understanding detail and you're so spot on!! So glad I found you!! For apologies, I often got "If it's going to make you feel better, then I'm sorry". Just crazy!
I have the problem of saying, “sorry, but...” I know it’s because I apologize for things that I should not be apologizing for. Sometimes I say “I’m sorry I lost my temper but...” it’s more because I just want it to stop fighting. I shouldn’t be apologizing for things that I am not sorry for or that I do not own. But just because someone says I’m sorry but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are a narcissist or a toxic person. It could quite possibly mean that that person came from an abusive upbringing and is a custom to apologizing for everything. I just wanted to put my take out there
If you feel the other person was in the wrong too, you have a right to politely let them know and hope they give a sincere apology too.
“I’m sorry but I’m not exactly sure what for.” That’s what I got today.