WHEN YOUR LOVED ONE WITH DEMENTIA REPEATS THE SAME QUESTIONS: 5 TIPS
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- Опубліковано 5 жов 2024
- Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)
In today’s video, I share tips for dealing with a loved one who has dementia repeat the same questions.
One of the least harmful symptoms of dementia is often the most frustrating. If you are caring for a loved one with any type of dementia, such as Alzheimer's disease or frontotemporal dementia, then chances are your loved one frequently repeats themselves. This can often lead to frustration and feeling a loss for what you could even do. This video shares 5 strategies you can try using with your loved one to see if it reduces how often they ask the same questions, or, at the very least not get any worse!
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In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacaregiver
My Wife and I are 86 and she is being cared for by me. Luckily I am still compos mentis and she is only marginally affected. I find the worst time for her to behave irrationally and weirdly, is in the evening when her brain becomes tired. Usually I manage to cope with things, but on rare occasions, I have, on going to bed, had to remove the door keys, for fear of her getting outside without my knowledge and wandering off. This has been the case for nearly two years now and she hasn't deteriorated markedly in that time, so I'm managing to handle everything that crops up. We've been married 64 years and it could have been the other way round, with me needing to be looked after. You just have to play the cards dealt in life. During the War, in England, we had the slogan, KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON. That is my daily mantra and so far, we're doing O.K. At least we're still facing life together.
As a person who had a father with Alzheimer’s and a brother with dementia, it is my fear. I am 67. My hubby likes to correct me when I say things wrong or remember things wrong. I told him to just stop it. I am already aware that I may be on that slippery slope, but it doesn’t help to constantly be corrected on something that doesn’t matter, because it just makes me even more upset.
In the early stages of my mom’s dementia I did get annoyed by her repeatedly asking the same questions. However as she declined, her world got smaller and it was difficult to even tell her stories about my life or my day because her attention span was also limited. So I eventually would welcome those questions no matter how repetitive, as simply a way to keep the conversation going in our daily visits.
Also to keep the conversations going I would ask her lots of questions about her childhood and early life as she retained a lot of those memories.
It’s been three years since she passed and I still really miss her ... repetitive questions and all!
Never easy. So sorry for your loss. 💖
I’m
I'm afraid of regretting my frustrations, but mine is doing dangerous things repeatedly... and I have asked to please not put items in areas that could cause harm to people or pets, but it's not working. I'm very worried.. sorry for your loss. That's the worst thing of all of this is we lose them in this condition...💔
This really hit me in the heart, thank you for sharing.
I've just come across this channel, sadly a little late for me.
My wife of 52 years sadly passed away just before last Christmas. We were soul mates and I miss her terribly.
I would say to all carers, make sure you have said everything you need to say before its is too late. Having regrets afterward won't help your grieving.
Dementia in all its forms is a horrible condition, I comfort myself in knowing she is now free and home, and was able to keep my promise of being with her until the end.
peace. My wife is my childhood friend since we were both 11. At 81 she is in her fourth year of post stroke which quickly dived into Vascular Dementia. The first struggle was to accept this incurable demon; at odd times coping with Dr Jekyll and Hyde. Nevertheless I will care for her at home. She can still respond to memories of our youth.
My mom is 90, and has dementia. I have been taking care of her since the onset. I know how frustrating it is to see a loved one going through this. My advise is have tons of Patience and LOVE. We only have one mother and father. Please let us shower them with all the love we can give for they have showered us with the same Love since we were born. God Bless you all.
Absolutely true!!! I am trying to enjoy my time with dad as long as I have the privilege of having him right here on our property.
We garden together,( flowers & vegetables).
Lately we’ve been playing games to fill some of his time before bed.
That’s enjoyable 🙂
And if they were cruel narcissists who beat us unconscious all our childhoods, do you think we should shower them with all the same hatred & cruelty we suffered at their hands?
Do not assume all parents are good. Parenthood does not confer sainthood on people & it is important not to sustain that myth as it can make it more difficult for children who are being abused now to get the help they need.
Well my kids, in their 40s, had decided they will be not be my caretakers. I have d dementia now. If not for a diff disease and doing the tests , esp the 4 hr cognitive studies they said it might have been years before finding it. S my d I'm losing my vision due to it also. I thought I was going to have to move recently,was having a very hard time finding a place, so I asked e of them if I could stay with them temporarily. The kinda went nuts on me! Not happening. Now I think my son has already made decision I'm gone! He and I have alwAys been very close. But now he isn't even returning my calls. I had asked him for a simple errand Sunday, as he only lives 10 minute from me. Couldn't even be bothered to replying. So my heart is broken And I have no one to be even give my medical POA to. I'm scared. I am so lost, lonely and alone. I am a good Christian woman and have certainly had more than my share of awful times and experiences. I didn't mean to write all this. I'm sorry.
@@angelaharris1112 I am so sorry. I really hope the children realise that his could happen to them and if they don't do whats right for their mom, it would be the same for them. Praying that things will change.
Years ago, when I was little, an elderly neighbor had dementia. He wanted to drive and he would ask his wife for the car keys. She would say when you can find the peanut butter you can drive. It seemed so odd to me, but he would get distracted looking and I guess forget about the keys.
My grandma had dementia. She used to ask a lot about where my grandpa was buried. So I would get her to tell me something about him. The day she passed I sat with her for several hours and she repeated stories about how they met and their life together. Mostly the same story over again, but for me it's a wonderful, precious memory. What I wouldn't give to hear her repeat her story again!
Sweet reframing!
Many years ago, my Father's cousin had Alzheimer's disease. It was her 90th birthday and there was a party for her. When we sat down at the table for dinner, I was sitting next to her. She started talking with me. The thing was, she was all over the place. None of here sentences had anything to do with the last sentence and a lot of her conversation was not even understandable. What did I do. I just talked with her. I knew it didn't matter what I said. As long as I talked with her. We talked for quite sometime and none of the conversation made any sense. But, she was having a nice time. She was laughing and I was keeping her company and I had a good time doing it. Later, one of her daughters came over to me and thanked me.
I know a lot of people are uncomfortable conversing with people with dementia and some people are frightened. But you shouldn't be. You are stepping into their world and giving them a very needed companion.
I know it wouldn't work with everyone but I have used humour successfully. When people were coming to visit and she kept asking where everyone was staying at first I answered the questions truthfully. Eventually I started saying that people are going to be sleeping in the garden under the tree or under the picnic table for shelter. that would just make her laugh and then we would move on to something else. I find that the ridiculous answer is sometimes a great distraction.
Patience Patience Patience Patience etc etc
@@HappinessIsAJourney And love.
I find very very hard to deal with i have got to be very patient .i have lost the lovely husband o had l love him very much and we have been married40 years this september but i try my very best
I do this with my mom too.
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One tip that works for me, is to ask the patient the same question immediately after you answer it for them. I think this makes them recirculate the answer thru a different part of their brain and they are better able to remember the answer.
Ahhh with respect, I doubt it.
Thank you...I will try this...
My mother's repeated concern is my age! As soon as I tell her she begins to count on her fingers. Then she tells me that she is 95. She is 96. I love talking to my Mother via Facebook, and even though she may be losing her memory she knows all the words to every song she sang when I was a kid! We have had great conversation regarding her family history! It's what she remembers best. I just love her so much, and her positive attitude. Thank You for the great suggestions!
Dementia is a cruel disease... But understanding the disease really helped me to understand Mom's condition. Read up alot on dementia, talked alot about it with Mom's Geriatrician. Many people say they understand the condition but when it really happens to them, they actually don't. It's really heartbreaking to see family members' responses towards Mom's condition. Glad I finally get to moved Mom to my very own place where she can feel safe....
it doesn't bother me when asked the same question repeatedly..patience and understanding is very important when caring with people with dementia.
It's manageable until you are stressed out with your own personal issues and cannot provide space/time and patience once they become like this. I cannot focus on work/meetings and other activities at home when they consistently ask for the same question and demands you to answer them all the time. Sometimes it's frustrating but I'm trying to slowly manage it
We went through this with my mother-in-law. My husband would get berserk. Finally I had to explain to HIM that part of her brain no longer functioned and he needed to get over it. That really helped. As she got worse and said we never visited or took her out, we started taking photos and did a cork board in her room at the board and care. That helped. We took her out at least twice a week and saw her daily as we had to give insulin shots, twice a day.
It's like you're at home with me & my mom. I don't feel so alone.
I am 74 and my hubby is 89. He was diagnosed with dementia in 11/2021. He asks me at least 10 times a day if I want to go to the movies. I simply answer him with no thank you, I'm too tired right now, or Honey, it's too late, etc. It is heartbreaking to see his decline. 😞
How sweet that he wants to take you out ❤️
Great tips as my mom repeats herself over & over. It's heartbreaking that we can no longer have conversations. We just put her in a nursing home as her care became too much & they just closed the nursing home to visitors because of covid. My mom will not understand why there is no one coming to visit her.
My sister would go up every night at supper to help her take the covers off her trays. Now she will have no one to help her. They just bring the food & walk away.
My mom has three other women in her room which she loves because she hates being alone. We were just informed that they're closing the curtains around all their beds for fourteen days as everyone has to isolate. These women haven't left their rooms in months so that makes zero sense. They're being kept apart from their loved ones which is torture for them. I've heard some seniors say they'd rather be dead than kept apart from their family.
That's the only bright spot in their days is to see their family members. It makes me so angry & heartbroken. I hope this doesn't go on very long. She's turning 94 in two weeks & we won't be there to celebrate her birthday. Makes me want to cry.
I am so sorry... It would seem the place your loved on could be taken to your car and be outside in the daylight and being with you..... What a shame they are doing for what little time she has left. Blessings to you. I have had Dementia for the 3 years and it is getting worse by the day. I am so afraid.
We were told the biggest lie in history. Shame on them. No one should have been forced to isolate. It was an upper respiratory infection with 97% survival rate for the over 80s.
Do they haveceindows....go see her through the window.
One thing I found with my mother that was a blessing was if I said something wrong........in a few minutes I'd have the chance to correct what I said. No regrets!!!
Yes, a Do over....(I love that as well...)
While I worked on redirecting, I would answer my mother's questions by answering them in the same way with the same even tone each time. I had no issue with this. I learned this skill working with many individuals with various disabilities for over 20 year's. I am also very patient. I remind myself that I would want someone to treat me this way.
Thank you! My wife is developing symptoms of dementia, it took her mother and that makes her resistant to go for diagnosis. Your posts are lifesavers!
Having experienced dementia with my mother, your solutions are great advise. Sometimes if your answer to a question successfully satisfies the person's question, it will cause them to move on to other thoughts. It's difficult for you knowing that your answer is not truthful, but sometimes it's better because it's better for the person asking the question. My mother would repeatedly ask if I had been talking with her mother and father, who had passed away 20 years before. If I told her the truth, she became more and more sad and depressed each time I answered the question. I learned to tell her, "Yes, I saw them last weekend and they are hoping to come and visit you tomorrow". This made her very happy and allowed her mind to move on. Of course, she soon forgot my answer, so she was never disappointed the next day when her parents failed to visit.
I just don’t understand why we can’t have more help without it costing us an arm and a leg!
No one can make a profit off of a solution.
My husband does ask the same question…..but if I’m trying to converse with him about anything, he always says the same remarks, such as… but you are so beautiful; I love you ya know; etc. Complimentary things, but they are always many times a day said to me. I can tell him “ that doesn’t really have anything to do with what we were talking about”, then he always says “ but it has everything to do with it”. I thank him for his compliments over and over…but by the days end, I’ve heard it so many times I could scream. I finally just say “stop”.
Every time he goes into another room, and he’s alone, he always says hi, how are you, then keeps talking that doesn’t make any sense. I just ignore it. He’ll take the garbage out, he likes to try and be a help, and he’ll say the same thing, hi how are you, I didn’t know you were here…and of course there’s no one there, but he seems to think he’s being funny. Many times a day he says “I have to do everything, I do so much work around here, when all he does is the garbage. He tells our other children that a lot. We live with one of our children. Again I think he thinks he’s being funny again….but it is so tiring to hear him.
He doesn’t have any interest to do anything. He’s very happy to sleep long hours, at least anywhere from 12 to 16 hours a night and morning. He’s always saying how tired he is. He reads when he gets up, falls back to sleep some, then watches tv until he goes back to bed. I know things can and will get worse but it’s still difficult. He no longer drives, he was going to fight the DOT and get his license back, but thankfully two days ago he decided not to.
Thank you 🙏🏽 sooo...very much!! My husband found you. He sent me your videos. We moved in here with our grandma. To take care of her. I really appreciate you doing this for everyone! This has helped me an my adult kids to help our grandma. You are truly amazing!! I thank you 🙏🏽 this has been so very hard on us to see her going through this. Your videos have helped us tremendously!! You are an blessing 🙏🏽 thank you so very much!! You are an angel 😇
I really appreciate your channel and advice. I work as a senior companion, and have directed the families with loved ones affected by dementia to your channel to help them cope. You are a valuable resource.
Also: on the wall at the foot of my husband’s bed, I mounted a schoolroom style clock - plain, clear and simple. Below it is a magnetic board where we change out the day, date and year - the whiteboard/ dry erase today’s events board is in the kitchen. And sometimes, I’ll ask him the questions😎 ... like ‘honey, what time is it?’
My mom bought a large clock with the date for my grandma. Mom was so frustrated having to answer "What's today?" every five minutes. The clock really helped both of them.
I think I helped my sister respond better to our mother who had dementia. We are autistic, repetition is not such a bad thing for us, but knowing how to respond to someone else who is repeating can be a challenge. When Mom would start repeating I taught my sister to think "reset button" and I would touch the tip of my nose as a non-verbal signal ... LOL. Then anytime our mother started repeating and it was difficult for her to respond to mom, I would just give the non-verbal signal. That would mean 'reset - pretend like it is the first time you are hearing this.'.
My issue in dealing with my mother with dementia who lives with me is not questions, but repeating the same stories over and over again. She has about 10-12 of them and even the nice ones are starting to feel like nails on a chalkboard to me. I dread being in the car with her lately because I have no place to escape. When at home, I can walk away and take breaks or redirect. She was always a non-stop talker, but what tries my patience lately is when she begins one of her stories with "I never told you this, but..." It takes all the patience I have not to scream, "You have told me this story thousands of times!" I feel terrible about this and I would never say this to her, but I need help knowing how to respond to save my own sanity.
Dad's doing this, little bits of variety but the same theme, it helps with him to find a point to ask a question or add an observation that sends him off in a different direction. He really, really likes to give advice, so I work with that.
It’s ok to feel annoyed. It is annoying. One day at a time. Xx
Maybe you can redirect her attention somehow. Find other things she likes to talk about & ask her about them?
Remember...one day you will moss the sound off that voice
@@kimmccaleb4170 miss
Excellent advise as always. You cannot get mad & say: "I told you!", it will just get them agitated. Answer every time like it's the first time they've asked.💛
That’s when I put on some old music that mom loves and dance with her. Music is so very helpful to distract her, get excercise and improve her mood.
Music can be so healing! Your mom is lucky to have you as a caregiver and daughter!
I've recently done that, we didn't dance too-she just smiled
I’ve fallen in love with this woman
That's sounds good but she cant walk she just stares at the floor and mumbles you cant understand her sometimes she talks good and talks about the past and she trys to argue with me I'm on antidepressants now so maybe that will help me some the mumbling gets on my nerves I'm bipolar and one of my anxieties is loud or constant notice I really hope this medication works I am stressed out I know she cant help it and I'm trying my best but I feel like I'm loosing my mind sometimes
My mum is early stage Alzheimers, she constantly asks the date /day / year / weather / appointments, i bought an amazon dot, i tell mum to ask her friend (alexa) she likes having the ability to get the details herself, even though it takes her a couple of attempts, it works very well for us at this stage.
My mom repeats herself and then comes back into reality,wondering why she'd done that(it makes me 😕!) Yes, this video did help me
I always kept a 300 piece puzzle out that we worked on daily, so when I was making meals she had something to keep her busy. When we walked is when she would ask over and over what are we doing. I would say silly things like looking for our shoes, she would laugh and say their on our feet. If I didn't keep a since of humor I would not feel nice towards her. And it's not her fault she has this illness. When my youngest son started to talk, he would point to everything saying whats that. Felt like it was 2,000 times a day he did this.I remember not wanting to answer him by the end of the day, but thought how else is he going to learn. So I tried to keep this in my mind with the lady I was caring for. I would always sit a min, in my car before going into watch her, and pray God help me to be kind and meet her needs. She was a blessing to know, I was with her for 5 years before her family had to put her in a care home. She went to be with Jesus this year.
Hi, I'm a homecare aid. I've worked with dementia pts for many yrs..I write down the answer to their question& put it in front of them.
I was putting up reminder notes for my mom. She removes them and throws them away or doesn’t know to refer to them. It’s pointless. Now, If she asks a question, I actually don’t answer. Instead, I sort of “interrupt” her and change the subject. For instance, she asks me something and I will immediately say something like “excuse me mom, should I buy some orange juice?” Her lengthy questions usually involve a rental property she owns that my sister now manages. Her attention span is so short, I just change the subject diverting her mind to something else. Sometimes I’ll say, “hold on, I need to run to the bathroom” then when I come back a few minutes later, she forgot about her question and it’s given me a moment to regroup. Answering someone’s repeated questions even if you know they obviously are not doing it on purpose will wear on you. It’s easier said than done. It would take up half the day and I need to preserve some of my energy. Diverting them, at least in my situation has made it much easier.
I find it exhausting answering the same questions repeatedly. I'm going to try your strategies. Thanks!
@@emilyandrews7039 Wish you the best!
My mother died in December 2020 from the virus. She was about to enter mid-stage Alzheimer's. This would have started to take away her dignity. For my mother, this would have been a disastrous problem. Her passing away at this point, as hard as it is to say this, was a blessing in disguise. She still knew who we were, still could hold conversations, but memory clearly impacted. She was heavily sedated, and passed peacefully.
I understand why you feel this way.
I sometimes wish my daddy could go to sleep in death before he has to experience the worst of the indignities of his 3 types of dementia.😢
But even at 86 he’s very strong and healthy physically.
His mom had Alzheimer’s and lived to be 89.
It is difficult to accept that a loved one has dementia. I have been thinking of ways to cope, but more importantly, how to help my mom effectively. Thank you so much for the very useful info you share in each episode. Am truly grateful.
I spent the day with my mom because of Natali I expected this. It wasn't a question but a funny story. These videos helped me understand compassion and understanding were needed. I laughed each time and was able deal with it glad there was something she found amusing.
I'm just starting this with my 87 year old aunt in the final stage. I'm her primary supplemental caregiver as she's already in long term care. It is difficult but these videos are helpful.
Apart from the repeated questions my husband has no interest in anything even though he was a champion sportsman in his day. He is no longer interest in sporting news. He just sleeps all day. Also he insists that he has showered when I know that it has been two days since he has.
As an early "Alzheimer's Dementia" victim, this process is very hard to watch. Both parents died with this disease. During those years I followed their decline through their time at home and ultimately their nursing home days. At times, I would come into Daddy's room and find all kinds of stuff. Mother made friends with the staff, and I would find purses or snacks aids or others would hide in Mother's room. They had their chairs placed where those in the hall could not see them. Mother said they would take unauthorized take breaks in her room "all the time." Our area had an abundance of nursing homes and personal care homes. I had to stay on the staffs. Glad those events were separated by time. Now, I stand on the inside of this issue and cringe for my precious wife. I do NOT want her to go through our appointed future. Daddy would lay in his bed and just stair into my eyes. I assumed he wanted to be younger. I was there with Mother when she breathed her last. I do not want to be here.
I have a client that is constantly yelling for HELP, sometimes it’s washroom, or eat, or she doesn’t know what or why she’s asking for HELP. If I don’t respond immediately, her voice goes louder I understand it’s the disease and this is a tick…..but constantly for my shift. It’s always HELP…HELP ME. Even if I just bring her out of the washroom and know she’s ok… right away, it’s HELP.
Sometimes, repeating the repetitive phrase back to the loved one can act as a signal that you have heard and acknowledged what they are saying. I found that this mirroring what they said worked with my toddlers. It can work well with someone with dementia since in some ways their minds are working back at toddler level. The main thing with any response is to be as kind as you can be. The person has a motivation, no matter how muddled, for what they say. And they are trying to make sense of their world as best they can. Stressing them out makes them worse, as they can still detect and react to your annoyance.
I love your channel. Thank you so much..I take care of my mom 24/7 no break nothing..she's moderate dimension. She asks the same thing 50 times a day..sundowning is rough she replays her LTM over an over again 😢
I think your videos are the best ones I've seen on the subject.
That's very kind of you to say, Carol. I'm glad they are helping you.
Very true😍
@@DementiaCareblazers you are amazing and such a blessing. Thank you for caring and sharing your knowledge & tips
Unfortunately, I AM the trigger! Would be nice not to have to be the only one to have sold my home and move in to take care of aging parents. Not an original thought, obviously.
Have you discussed "when siblings don't help because their lives are so much more important than yours and your family"? 🤔
I am so sorry you are in this situation. This disease can sometimes bring families closer together and sometimes it can seem to tear them apart. Here are 2 videos that I hope can help. One is about family conflict and one is about how to reduce the chances of your loved one resenting you- a common thing that happens when you are the main caregiver. I am sending you all the best. Here are the links: ua-cam.com/video/ycIgcdOKOoo/v-deo.html and ua-cam.com/video/YJLHgm1hLNE/v-deo.html
God bless you with making this decision!
Wow Pam I am in the same situation with my older sister, I am the youngest of 9, all my other siblings advised me to not take on moving her in my home to be her caretaker and to simply place her in a home. No help from them at all because I did not take " their advice".
Just wanted to comment to let you know you're not alone in this situation.
Kudos, to YOU----and, SHAME on them.... Wonder what their children learn from your sibling's household credo: "Always put yourself, first..."
My husband is 67 and he was officially diagnosed with Alzheimers last December ... and ever since his diagnosis almost 6 months ago he asks me the same questions about "when" he's going to die over, and over again -- almost daily, and sometimes a few times in one day! So I'm constantly telling him what his neurologist told him. His neurologist said there's no way of knowing how long because everyone is different. But because of the disease my husband thinks the neurologist said that he's dying "soon", and he NEVER said that. Just this morning upon waking my husband immediately said this to me, about me: "You told me that I have a few months to live so I guess I'm going to die this summer?" This was a NEW one, and I explained that I never said that (without getting angry, just said it matter-of-factly), and then told him, once again, what his neurologist told him. I think it's a good idea to make a sign for him to read stating what his neurologist actually said. Thanks for the tip!
To respond to the repeated questions, my first thought was to just write the answer down so they could reread that as often as they found necessary.
As an aside to this issue, a member of a cycling group I was with had another probably common issue "Why don't you visit me more often, I've not seen you for months?" yet you were there yesterday if not very day ! This person took their mother out regularly and she 'complained' of not going out very often - so I suggested either a notebook or 1 page per day diary so that the person can be encouraged to write down what the did that day - 'went to the park, fed the ducks and saw a frog in the pond' - then you can always refer them back to that event and they can see it was only yesterday or whatever. Optionally take a photo of the day they can refer to.
Tip one- just answer the question
I find it helps to remember that you HAVE TO find something to talk about. Usually it will be relatively unimportant. Answering the same question again simply relieves you of trying to find some other subject to discuss. So, i. This way, it is sort of a blessing
Tip four-put it o. A calendar or sign.
I write a note that Mom keeps I. Front of her to references and ruminate on over and over again as she tries to absorb the content
This also helps with potentially argumentative issues. My mom sometimes could not agree that this is her house, or that we are alone
So, when she was more with it... I wrote a note with this information and had her sign it
Then, when I show her the note it is not me arguing with her
When my mom was a teacher, she had an ah ha moment to realize that children have different modes of learning
And that some children might absorb information better by hearing, others by writing, others by practical experiences
It is the same information, but different pathways in the brain
And my mom definitely responds differently to hearing vs reading
I love your perspective on answering the question. It is sort of a blessing. Thank you for sharing how you deal with this with your mom. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job, and you are 100%...we all have different ways of learning, whether we have dementia or not. Thank you, Ardy
I used to watch your channel 3 years ago l learn , but my father passed of dementia back in 2018 dementia is a nightmare for everyone thank you.
Thanks. Early stages here, with the forgetfulness causing the repeated questions and always searching for items. I had some advanced prep when staying with a couple who were both affected the same way. Quite an eye opener.
My mom watched her favorite movies over and over. Multiple times a day for years.
Distraction techniques are a good way of reduce the stress of frequency of questions, music they like, reading to them, sharing photos etc
Distraction does not work on my home front. NOT AT ALL 😕
#2 - Emphasis on it being a sign, not just a note! Something she notices as she walks into the kitchen instead of something on a notepad or calendar for her to check on.
We have a desk sized calendar on the table (Under plastic so it doesn't get messed up) but she often doesn't look at it. I get card stock paper and write something simply and breifly as poss, using markers of bold and differnt colors. She had flood damage in one room so we had several fans to dry it all out and she kept putting up the fans, and even moving rugs and such back into the room. So I put a big note on the door to the room telling her to leave the fans on. And I added a specific day for us to go to the next step in the process. Each time I came, I changed the note so she would not jump ahead and try to paint on a wall we were going to tear down due water damage. (Drywall, not the whole wall)
Mom has alwasy been a doer and if things were not moving fast enough, she would jump ahead to do something, even if she was doing it not in the right way, just to get it done. You can imagine how much worse that has gotten with her dementia!
We haven't gotten there yet, but I am thinking coming up with different stories each about where the car is might be interesting to her and less redundant for me.. Telling her a story about how the car broke down at the mall and someone towed it to the shop. Then next time tell her my brother is using it to drive to an appointment. Making it kind of a funny story instead of mundane could make it almost like a game for us, and less frustrating.
This series is really very useful to me as a caregiver. Thanks so much.
This subject brings back memories with my mom. About 1.5 yrs ago. I would love to have that back now. She no longer knows who are her kids. She doesnt talk. Just smiles at you and holds your hand. Thank you.
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I'm so thankful I came across this channel. This is a main topic of interest as we experience it daily in taking care of our loved one. The patients main caregiver ( daughter) passed away recently. The granddaughter n I have become the full time caregivers now. She has to relive the passing of her daughter everytime she asks where she is or what happened. It's been a big adjustment. We are doing the best we can.
How did you transition your loved one from your car back to assisted living facility without her getting terrified and upset? This has happened last two visits. It was heartbreaking. Also we’re trying to get memory care for my mom with dementia but paying for it is a heartbreaking problem
Thank you for this helpful video. The questions do get on my nerves on busy days when I am trying to remember all the things that I need to do.
your tips are helping me cope with the issues with my 96yo father. it's a slow learning curve.
How is he doing today?
Excellent! Two new ideas and reinforce better practice of the rest. Just sitting together and talking works wonders. Thank you - much appreciated.
Thank you. I deal with this issue with my husband and he doesn’t have dementia. Yet
I minded my dad for 13 years, (had a good support team). He would constantly look for a cup of tea, what you don't say is, you've just had a cup, which would prompt him to say, No and be agitated. I would say I'll put the kettle on, and if he watched me I actually would. By the time it had boiled he would have forgotten.
It's a rotten illness and I found you had to smile and agree and distract, all at the same time.
It just never bothered me, because I knew what it was. I would answer her and use it to talk and reminisce. Do not get frustrated, however you need to handle that. They won’t understand why you’re upset.
I manage that for hours a day, but find myself having less patience with repeated questions when I myself am tired. If I am getting upset about this, I know I need to step away for a few minutes to take some deep breaths and regain my patience.
My mother is 98, legally blind, somewhat hard of hearing, post polio syndrome, broken back, knee cap out of place and her dementia is getting worse. Her thought processes are out of the ball park. She rarely makes a cohesive sentence. I don't know how to answer her other than to say that didn't make any sense to me. She lays on the sofa in the living room all day long. Then around 5-5:30 we move to the den and turn on the TV. She can't see it, so she thinks about things and that's when she starts nonsense talking. One night I absolutely lost my mind and started crying and yelling at her even though I knew she couldn't help it. I just had a meltdown.
It's okay we are all just human I myself I just have to walk away sometimes. 🙏🌸
Thanks for this video! I often have circular conversations with my grandmother. I usually just roll with it but it helps to have some other options.
I was caring for my dad at home hospice while visiting my f-i-l who was near end stage Alzheimer's. Both said they didn't want what the other had as they were such lovely and empathetic souls. Saying all of that to say my dad was given a cocktail of drugs to deal with his last days. Included in that mix was ABH (Ativan, Bendryl, and Haldol). After a couple of days, my dad exhibited unusual hyper activity and we were up pretty much over 24 hours. It turned out that the Benadryl was making him hyper. When we were supposed to be sleeping, he'd yell in a cheerful voice, "Hey!". With my f-i-l, they turned him into a zombie at one facility (always have a backup ready). They sent him to the hospital for failure to thrive and they weened him off nearly all drugs. He did so much better in the 2nd facility.
Good to hear he is doing better, but I would not give Haldol to a dead dog! It killed my 32 yr. Old Nephew!
@@sandib4234 My dad flatlined for 20 mins when given morphine and phenergan in the hospital. Having to make the decision to give it to him in hospice was difficult. Turns out it was the phenergan that caused his heart to stop. He got comfort until he passed.
Since then, I'll never take 2 kinds of new meds at the same time.
@@sandib4234 So sorry to hear about your nephew. 🥰
So nice to hear solutions to some of the many ways to help and deal with dementia in my case, my aunt.
We turn 70 this spring. My wife started into dementia about four years ago. There are many days of this for us. Asking the same question 8 or 10 times is common. I answer but I slip up some and point out the repetition. Not a good thing on my part.< edit > I accidentally came across this just now. My time with this has come to an end. My wife, Sheila, passed away on June 1, 2021. Had nothing to do with her dementia, or covid.... her cancer came back. It was very quick, barely a week from "here is the reason to gone... ". I'd rather be fielding her questions... much rather.
I'm so very sorry you lost her. I hope you have found peace.
You learn quick to just go along. At first when mother asked about her mother, I told her that she had passed. She grieved every time and broke my heart. I realized the problem was not her but me, so I just went with it knowing tomorrow or even later in the day she would ask about her again. It was the first time for her every time. I miss all of her questions now she is gone.
Thank you Dr. It is so refreshing to be validated and to understand the various aspects of dementia. My best friend and I just wrote "Love, Loss and Dementia" which is our stories about our moms who were placed in a nursing facility. It was truly painful but as you said, safety and financial issues may becontributing factors in the decisions that were made. It does leave a scar on my heart but it was the best and most loving way to take care of our moms.
I'm glad you and your best friend were able to express your feelings through your stories. Writing can be so therapeutic- both for you, the writer AND the people who will read your words. Where can I access your stories? I'd love to read them.
Thanks for all you give to this community. Redirection works well sometimes. The idea of finding the feeling behind their question is a great idea! Or taking away triggers is also a good idea.
Just remember that there is nothing more futile than arguing with someone with dementia. Even if you win the argument, a person with dementia will forget shortly thereafter. In terms of questions, just answer them.
I am a single mum, it reminds me of when my son was 5 and would not stop, ha,ha
@@aynos629 caring for a dementia patient is just like that, when asked I always say its like having a toddler with a bigger bum! Laughter does help.
@@pennysargent9557 just walk out of a flight because I feel I can't leave them on their own. But I do feel they are pulling the strings. My dad don't want anybody but me to look after both of them
@@aynos629 I feel for you with all my heart my 93yo husband is exactly the same & extremely manipulative.
Two hints I have been given , Always have a laundry basket with a couple of towels in it & then you always have an excuse to hang out the laundry & give yourself a little breather! Tell them to suck a boiled sweet, it is long enough to have a shower! Good luck ,hang in there.x
@@pennysargent9557 I just feel I am letting others down, my son is 22 and he is going to end up without a home because I am looking after my parents, but they are older
My Dad has dementia. The hospital stated it was caused by him testing positive for the Covid-19 December 2020. He was 86 at the time, never had symptoms of COVID-19 when he went in the hospital. Now he’s in a nursing home. I really don’t recall him asking same question over and over, but he says things we know he couldn’t have done. He told me he drove himself to the doctor that day. I know he didn’t, so I just agree with him. They don’t even try to make him see reality, because he gets agitated easily. I do the same.
Yes she repeats,over and over and over again and it drives me crazy however I learned to deal with it and just respond each and every time.....
A friend of mine used to work as a nurse in long-term care. Her strategy with repeating questions was to make a game out of how many times she had to answer the same question.
Your information is helpful and much needed! Also, I love the dog paintings!!! Super cute!
My wife has dementia and having to learn how to deal, talk, handle each day with her. After 46 years I just don’t understand this. But, I’m very willing to how I can handle it and not be so upset and not understanding why she’s so angry, thinking someone is stealing her things and sometimes they bring them back. It’s a constant arguing everyday that has to end…gotta figure this out better than what I’ve been doing! Thanks for the info
Thank you for this video. I am my dads live in caregiver, he has dementia . This was extremely helpful. Much love ❤️
My mum, 96 in 3 weeks was driving me potty this morning, telling me the same stories from her youth that I hear again and again. My dog (who she loves) is the saviour, he loves visiting her but it's driving me mad, I want to die before I get to her state. She sometimes has some understanding of how bad her mind is, which must be horrifying. I live alone and once the dog is gone I'll to top myself. My mum's death will be a relief, my dog's death will be a tragedy.
This channel has been very educational in helping me work with my client. I am her Massage Therapist. Thank you.
I'm new here. And we are just starting to figure out if my husband has dementia. I'll have to go back and watch more videos as this is so informative. What a blessing you are.
There is a test you can give to see if he has dementia. In Canada it can be done at the Doctor office, but I have seen some online. It's good to know what you are dealing with, for both of you.
I'm very glad to have stumbled on to your channel today. I've already learned quite a bit.
My mother (78) doesn't ask the same question, at least not yet, but she does repeat things over and over. Is that the same? For instance, I have a male cat who's a little funny about being petted. When he's near her she says "C'mere and lemme pet your noggin". She says it several times in a row, stops for a few minutes, then starts again. This will go on for a couple of weeks then she'll adopt a new phrase and the cycle continues.
Gradually adjusting my response from "She never LISTENS to what I say" to "She never REMEMBERS what I say." I have a calendar on the wall. However, I need to remind her to look at it.
Grateful I found your page here, as the beginning of it takes my lovely sisters day.
“Dealing” with people with dementia does take a ton of patience. Always be kind, empathetic, compassionate, and of course patient. I’m actually going to start school in the fall for behavioral analysis for dementia patients. I actually understand with them terrifyingly well.
Your tips on answering repetitive questions are great! Do you have any advice for repetitive other things? For example, the same bad pun (remember, you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish) or silly phrase?
Thanks!
I've been answering the repeated question. But haven't thought about the underlined feeling. Great tip!!
Glad it was helpful! 💖
I'm exhausted,don't know if I can last much longer. Not just questions,but all of it.
I love my dad but I'm losing weight,losing everything normal,as it were. Don't have a life or any real genuine help.
I'm at the point where a decision has to be made,thing is if I go he's going into a home.
This is breaking my heart...
It is a life saver. Exhaustion will cause you to break down mentally. I know from experience. My father's health is causing my mother's health to deteriorate more. Even with my help and my sister's its draining for all. If you're by yourself it must be impossible. Find a decent place and visit. But at least its not all 24 hours on you. I have fallen in the bed and been unable to help for a day. I needed restoration. That would have been impossible without help. Do what you can and don't feel bad. As our parents are aging, so are we.
I know what you're going through Anna. My mom has been getting worse for the past year. Just yesterday she firmly believes this is not her house and I try to tell her and explain that this her house but she says I'm not stupid I know its not so she grabbed her blanket and walked out the door and I figured she would stay on the porch but nope there she was walking down the street with her blanket. Took me forever to get her to get in my car to go back. And I am the only family member helping her too.
Sherri 1962 *
For my niece and I, answering questions over and over is the easy part. Heartbreaking, for it reminds one of how bad the disease is progressing, but easy. 6 months ago she was on a 3-5 minute loop. Now it’s 15-30 seconds.
My mother in law thinks someone demolished her car in a million piieces and if she ever finds out who did it, she is going to kill him. She also says she once bought a brand new car for 5 dollars. She repeats these two things many times when i go to take care of her. I just agree with her
My mother would say every day, " How is Scott?" ( the invalid son of a friend). She would weep a bit every time I told her he was dead. I am now sure "Scott" was not Scott, but rather someone else that she mourned. A very difficult time especially as my darling Dad (whose family live to 90's and 100's with all their faculties), said "Mother is broken and I don't know how to fix her".
Re scott or anyone who repeatedly asks about someone who passed away or any past disappointments...the loving thing is to LIE. Remember that if you keep telling them over and over its like hearing it for the first time over again. Imagine hearing the worst of news like loss of a spouse or parent more than once. If they ask about a dead relative you can say they are on vacation or something? Or even distract with a story. "I remember scott used to have the craziest dog. One day that old dog got sprayed by a skunk just before we came to visit and guess what? When we got there that dog was covered in tomato juice. What was that old dogs name?". Its okay to try to keep the brain stimulated with questions and reminiscing is great as long expectations are set pretty low. You can reminisce on their behalf about stuff from their past.
When my mother had dementia, I used to read old letters to her. Also, we took turns reading books aloud. It made for a very enjoyable time, especially as she was able to focus on something different. Her reading and speech skills had always been excellent in the past so maybe that made a difference. Would be interested to know if others had tried this out…..
Thank you, you have been very helpful. Sometimes it's just comforting just to hear that it's not uncommon to get irritated sometimes, and that I am not perfect.
I want to feel that tolerance but am finding it hard to do so as I haven't had any separation from this for 12 yrs now. Dispite the large family on his side.
Take it up with the family, it's not his fault.
My wife is getting to the point that I am just not able to keep on taking care of her. She started this 10+ years ago, and it's been a very slow process, until last year, she has gone down like a rock! She can not do much of anything for herself. I am disable myself, and that doesn't help either!
Thank you for your videos, you have helped me a lot!!
I will remember that when my mom asks me the same questions over and over again!♥️
I already do #1 and #3, but the other suggestions will likely help a great deal. Thank you.
My suggestion:. As my dad repeated the same question, I would explain the answer in a different way - as though what he really needed was a more comprehensible answer. If I could do it over, I would give him precisely the same answer each time to help facilitate his memory.
Our female family member asks the same ?’s over and over. She doesn’t remember the questions or the answers. I bought a dry erase board for the current date and noting appt. times. She does look at the board sometimes. She forgets to check her calendar. She is having a hard time with days of the week. She seems to remember some things if she’s mad about them. She’s started saying “I know that” when we answer a repeated question. She absolutely remembers she loves Fruitcake.
Isn't it funny how some things they can remember easily (like loving fruitcake) and other things they can't seem to remember for the life of them? Your idea to use a dry erase board is wonderful! It may take her some getting used to, but it is a wonderful way to deliver the news she needs to know. Keep up the good work!
I've bought my ant a calendar clock: it shows the day, time, date: number, month and year. It's for people with dementia.