I'm an EMT. I put my career aside to take care of my mother. My stress isn't so much taking in care of my mother, or being around her 24/7. It's in listening to people, in my life, tell me that I'm not certified to take care of an elderly person.
I don't know why a lot of people are talking about nursing homes as though they were a place for free. Remember, majority of middle class who can not afford going to any nursing home. In New York it will cost more than $120K per year for a nursing home that accepts patients with dementia. Due to various reasons not everybody can get long term care insurance at the time they should.
I needed to run across this video today. After a very negative encounter with my mom last night regarding taking a shower, I have decided I cannot do this anymore. I love my mom but l am in the midst of a nervous breakdown. It isn’t her fault, but at this point I don’t want her to feel or experience the fallout of my inability to cope with this disease. Prayers for all of you and God have mercy on us all!
Dear sister, I just placed my mother in a board and care after keeping her home with me since the pandemic started over a year ago. I could no longer keep her safe and the physical and emotional stress of caring for a very frail 86-year old with dementia 24/7 just became too much for me. My health has been affected , my marriage has suffered, and I’m struggling. My mother is very aware of what’s happening to her and tells me she feels abandoned. I feel terribly guilty when she begs me to take her home and accuses me of not caring about her,. Yet, I know this is what’s best for both of us. I’m just not capable of continuing as her caregiver and I know she’ll be in better hands with professional care. I was frustrated, angry, guilt-ridden, filled with grief, and despondent every day I cared for her. She felt bossed around, disrespected, and humiliated by our role reversal. I’m hoping now we can be mother and daughter again, and that we can enjoy our time together. I so want that before her disease progresses further. Thank you for your prayers! You posted your comment a year ago, but I was moved to respond and send you my own prayers and good wishes. I needed to run across this video today, too. Blessings.
@@twodonks Eloquent comment and I so hear you. People who have this la-la good old days Waltons conception of life have not cared for anyone with drastic needs.
Watching your parent deteriorate from dementia is the worst feeling I have ever had, constant anxiety, sadness, guilt, hopelessness...sheer torture. Add Covid to the mix, indescribable.
You all prolly dont give a damn but does anybody know a way to log back into an Instagram account? I was dumb forgot my login password. I would appreciate any assistance you can give me
@Mauricio Jack Thanks so much for your reply. I got to the site through google and I'm waiting for the hacking stuff now. Seems to take a while so I will reply here later when my account password hopefully is recovered.
I wish so badly I could talk to you directly. Mom has been with us for over a year now, and has had Alzheimer’s for about 5 years, according to her neurologist. I am #3. I am in a constant state of anxiety. I put my life on hold for my mom, and my husband and I are both spent mentally, emotionally, and physically. I wake up in the morning with panic. A spot opened up magically for her in a Medicaid funded memory care facility. I feel like the worst daughter ever, but I also feel like the worst wife to my husband and mother to my own child. I have so much guilt. I’m an RN and can separate caring for patients at work from my home life (most of the time). I can’t separate myself from this. Mom is moving in two days and I talked to her about it, but I don’t think she’ll remember. She doesn’t remember much anymore. She kind of just...exists. I feel so terrible over all of this and rationally I know it’s no one’s fault she has Alzheimer’s, but I just can’t help it. I feel like a terrible daughter and I tried so hard, hoping her last days would be in my home. But I just can’t anymore. I’m deteriorating mentally and physically, I almost got fired for having to call out, and I’m just so dang anxious and depressed all the time. Please pray for me and my mom.
What you said goes for me too. It's good you have someone by your side who at least understands what you're going thru although he sounds like he's suffering too.. I'm 65 and living with my 89yo mom This is a low point of my life and I don't know how much longer I can hold out. My health is not good mental and physical. I've lost all kinds of weight cuz I don't take care of myself. I start therapy this month to talk to a professional about my situation. Stay strong and a day at a time. I will pray/send you good wishes.
missnurse your words are mine exactly. I feel just as guilty and ashamed. My mom moved into a care facility a month ago. I still feel the guilt but especially that this has happened to her. But we are not guilty- we are not at fault. It’s a very sad disease. And we must remember that we are not alone with these challenges and sometimes care centers are the best options. I’ll keep praying for you. May your heart be filled with peace. ♥️
I did this too with my father and mother in law. Please find a confidante or counselor who will help you over come your guilt. It is misplaced. You made this choice for her AND your family. She doesn’t know any more and as long as she sees your cheerful face when you are there, you have done your best.
You are doing the best thing for your mother and your family. This a is very difficult time for all of you. I have been in your situation. I totally understand. Do what is best.
I too am a RN, I too stopped my entire life to care for my Grandfather...I even had to stop working because we have an extremely small family and there was really no one else. I do envy that you have a mate, because I don't. I have one close friend that was there for me emotionally and I thank God for them. I too was an anxiety- ridden mess. I don't think I had a good night's sleep in 4 years. I developed all kinds of psychosomatic symptoms and I'm in my 40s so....surprise, surprise... thus whole mess coincided with perimenopause hot flashes (or hot hours!), irregular periods, bad headaches, and for me weight GAIN!! Many people when stressed out LOSE weight. Oh no...not me 🙄 I had adrenal fatigue and what my Doctor called a thyroid storm that seriously put 20 lbs on me in less than a month - and I'm only 5' tall. 20 lbs is a ton on my little frame. I had back issues, and the worst was I had tingling and burning paresthesia symptoms all through my legs and feet for a year! I'm not kidding- a whole year. I thought I had freaking MS or something. I was terrified and sad and stressed beyond my limits. FINALLY, I had to admit I could no longer do it and I had to move him into a memory care facility. I was still feeling worried and guilty and constantly jumping if my phone rang. If I slept, I'd wake up panicked wondering if I'd missed a phone call, or if he was ok, etc... it can develop into a full blown anxiety disorder. I could go on and on but... he passed away a couple years ago now and I STILL wake up on occasion wondering what I may need to do for him!!! Ugh!!! Obviously within a few seconds I realize he's gone and it's over but it stays with you. I loved my Grandfather as much as my own parents. They lived across the street while I was growing up and I was over there almost every day. After my parents divorce, my Grandfather became my rock. He was the most stable person in my life so there wasn't even a question when he needed me after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's related dementia that I would now be HIS rock and his steady support. I read a meme that said something like caring for someone with Alzheimer's is like the longest, scariest roller coaster through hell blindfolded (because you never know what's coming next) and that is 100% true. It's disgusting that we all focus more money and attention on celebrities and gay rights and illegal immigrants and every other asinine cause and don't focus on curing this disease. It is long and difficult and excruciatingly painful and no one deserves this. I will send up a prayer for you and your family ❤
My grandfather was driving my parents into early graves by being up at night turning on lights and making all kinds of noise, dragging them out of bed and so on. It was killing them not to get sleep. They were weak and grey faced and had to go to work every morning. Sometimes someone has to go to nursing home to save rest of family, though no one wants to come right out and say it.
Diane Greene my precious mother made us promise that when she could no longer live alone that we’d put her in a nursing home. She said this before she had Alzheimer’s. She always said that too often the caregiver dies before the patient and she never wanted that. What a gift she gave us. She’d worked with nursing homes for 17 years, helping people place their loved ones there.
That person will be you one day, then. You'll be the one separating for their own good, suffering in the last few moments of lucidity you have left. Alone, in a sterile environment, cut off from regular contact with those closest to you. Just keep that in mind.
@@jacobp.2024 --- It is impossible to know what is in the awareness of a patient with dementia. When my brother in law had it, he was not the man we knew. During his final weeks, he seemed to be elsewhere, in another reality. The last week, he became lucid enough to remember his wife, and was his 'old' self. We knew he was going to depart soon. He passed peacefully February 2nd, 2021. He was not alone, but had family next to him in his own home.
I work in a assisted living care home and I'm so glad I watched these videos, because now I can see it from the families perspective, and fully understand how they feel and be more compassionate about the difficult decision they've had to make when putting their loved one in a care home thank you.
Putting our Mom in the nursing home was probably the most painful decision we had to make.We tried to keep her as independent as possible but her physical and mental health began to decline quickly.She is also a very stubborn woman. We bought her a "First Alert Button"(she yelled at us and refused to wear it), She was hiding her medications and not taking them. We bought her "Meals on Wheels" (she cancelled it soon after ) and we were going to pay a woman to help clean Mom's apartment 2 times a month and also sit with her or do small errands...Mom made a big stink about that as well. A week after she cancelled everything ...she fell and fractured her spine((she has bad osteoporosis) and that is when we said she can't be alone....Mom was able to stay independent for 92 ears and that is good,,but she loves her new home and friends now,,,wasn't easy,
I’m glad you ran across it too. It would be helpful if all who are employed to take care of the elderly got this insight ahead of time. Im sure you see some families who struggles more and some who don’t struggle as Much with these decisions. But I’m betting most families are having their hearts ripped out doing this. Im the only child left and have promised my mom her whole life I won’t put her in a home, that I’d stay w her fulltime before that happens. That part is coming soon. Due to her vision challenges, it will be best for her to be there as long as possible rather than my house. Thankfully she is only 20 minutes away. But I’m definitely living two lives. Thankfully my husband, daughter, and grandkids are supportive and understand. We take it one day at a time. I’m thankful she’s still here for me to care for. But I sure hate this awful disease.
Thank you for one of the most difficult jobs, we who have had to make the gut wrenching decision to place a loved one in a facility are praying for people to care for our loved ones like they would want their loved ones cared for- I know that y’all are unsung heroes, and if you don’t know- we are so so thankful for you all- God Bless you ♥️
I work as a home health aide. My own mother is harder to deal with emotionally than any client that I have cared for in the past 8 years. I would like to put her in an assisted living but she flat out refuses. She does not think that she has dementia. She says Im paranoid and she is going to take me to court. Her doctor told her she has dementia and needs 24/7 care. She wants to switch doctors now. She threatened to call the police when I took her car because she is not safe to drive if she needs 24/7 care. I am stressed to the max. She is addicted to alcohol and opiods on top of the dementia. Please pray for us.
I can completely relate. My mother lives with us and I'm her caregiver and she has paranoia and hallucinations. Her doctor has diagnosed her with Alzheimer's, but she doesn't believe it either. It' all of us who are crazy. She had made our lives miserable, affecting my marriage and my sanity. Luckily, she gave up her car and driving, but that just means I have to drive her everywhere and at her whim. She has threatened to leave and won't tell us where she'd go.
My mother couldn’t come to terms with need for assisted living She was terrible to deal with She passed and I am so relieved for her in a better place and for me for obvious reasons Only another careblazer might understand. I will pray for you all
@courtneyritter1285 I have mixed emotions about my mom. I will miss her when she is gone but she is very hard to deal with at times. She is getting easier as her disease progresses though.
@@Dee-r1c This is my mother in law. I started watching these videos a few weeks ago. The family members have watched her memory deteriorate over the years. It has reached a point where the family is now divided due to her accusations from paranoia. She says shes perfectly fine and knows exactly whats going on. Obviously, she doesnt. There is just no reasoning with her anymore and thru these videos I'm learning how to work with her. I'm sure the car is coming next. We do have a tracker on her cell phone, just in case!
I needed to hear this today.. I have been contemplating putting my husband in a home.. I have had tremendous guilt but my health is suffering .. I have anger and anxiety I have never had.. I am becoming bitter and headaches are an everyday occurrence .. thanks Dr. Natalie you always know the right ways to say things that cause me to rethink my ability to handle this stuff..
My husband spent all our life saving, and got us in debt, before I figured out it was dementia and my health is bad, ect… but nursing homes are so expensive! Have to be rich, or my sister said get a divorce so his money is separate. Still has to be two ys. I think. This isn’t because I don’t love him. I’d still take care, till death do we part, but sometimes I think I’ll go first from all the work and stress. Anyone else heard of this as a solution to avoiding financial debt? Godspeed to everyone. This is a nightmare we have to make the best of. Hopefully there are some good moments in between. ❤
My husband passed away January 22nd 2023. Hardest day of my life. I put him in a home after several falls. He passed away 11 days after, I believe he just knew it was his time. It was bitter sweet. I miss him but given the opportunity I would choose to it again . Thank you Natali for your wisdom
@@stacieboucher1570 I am at that place , like you. My own health is now declining, but I don’t we can afford to place my hubby in a care facility all the things affecting him. He is nearly total care. It is getting worse daily… what to do, what to do….
My dad needed a care center when he was up all night and he started to push my mom. He was not cooperative and she couldn't handle him anymore. He would get stuck in a loop, repeating the same actions over and over. We were blessed to have him placed in a special wing for Alzheimer''s with caring staff. He enjoyed being around the other people.We were extra blessed in that his sister moved in a short time later. They spent a lot of time together. He died 6 months later and the staff were so kind to him during those last difficult days.
My Grandmother went round the bend, my aunt was going crazy trying, and the doctor said "I am not releasing your mother back to you." Our whole family was relieved. Yay for that smart doctor!
The doctor has done this with my mother in the last week, and I know it's best for my father since he won't admit he can't take proper care of her. The issue we're having is that because of covid and that mom hasn't been vaccinated, they are quarentining her for the next 15 days and they won't allow any visitors, including dad. We aren't sure she will make it that long. They've been married for over 60 years and he doesn't think anyone else can take care of her or that she'll remember who he is if she does make it. If they would just let him visit I think he could except that it's best for her and for him. He has his own medical issues that he's been ignoring to take care of her.
@@saprenna why the quarantine???? What state are you in? I'm in California,, and June 15 we were set free. If she is a negative COVID blood test, why quarantine???? You can demand to take her and tell them she will stay with us .
@@saprenna this makes me so so sad ..... I got cancer and 3 surgeries and they never tested me once or even told me to get a vaccine??? It was from Jan 2020 to present..... If she has dementia thats is going to make her so so much worse don't let them.
@@harrycontos3847 I'm in Indiana. Adult protective services have been involved now, so, according to what we've been told, if dad, who has power of attorney, takes her out without their ok they can legally take custody of her and put her back in the home. The hospital didn't require vaccination but the nursing home does.
Thanks Dr. Natali. I have been pouring over your prior videos to find exactly this subject. After caring for my husband at home for almost 6 years with diagnosed dementia (MCI & AD), I am running out of steam. From bathing issues, bowel problems, our loss of friendships, loss of sleep, my own stress levels, I am now actively searching for a memory care facility. The cost is outrageous which is causing me more stress. Thanks for all you do and I will continue to watch and listen to your sage advice.
I looked after my husband for several years and it was difficult but in the U.K. you did get help at the time I had someone to take him out for a couple of hours a week, people would sit with him while I went shopping, someone also came in daily for 2 x 30 minutes for washing and other requirements daily, it was very difficult but the government help was vital I would not have coped otherwise. He was weak and had other conditions, he was 3 weeks in nursing care for things I couldn’t do and died. A charity paid for me to go on holiday that felt so good.
Stress and frustration is part of caregiving, and certainly can be overwhelming. Caring for my wife for over four years now with moderately advanced Alzheimer’s, I know that it sometimes seems unbearable. We have the issues you describe as number 2 & 3. I have said “never” to a nursing home but have come to understand what you say. Even with outside help the stress is there and the guilt of considering a nursing home continues. Your body under stress talks to you, e.g., my blood pressure and blood sugar levels have become abnormal due to stress. What gives me strength and purpose other than my love for my wife is considering my caregiving as a “mission,” ordained by God. Yes we suffer, but no one more than he hanging from the cross. Knowing this, I also know that I am pleasing God, and it is he from whom I gain my strength and stamina. Prayers can be answered, as I know from being miraculously healed of advanced Stage 4 metastatic melanoma. This happened a year after my wife’s diagnosis after I was put on Hospice to die when “nothing else can be done.” Keep the faith, for hope does indeed spring eternal. It can indeed give you strength, and you might even get a miracle.
Amen brother, I pray the Lord’s will be done in you and your wife’s lives. I love you both and hope to see you one day in the kingdom of heaven. You are doing an honorable and loving thing to care for your wife.
Giving this mythical figure “god” all the credit is beyond insane, so your taking care of your wife to get into heaven? I doubt that, you love her, and you can’t live with yourself if you give up, god doesn’t exist, I’d he did, he did this to your wife, he does know everything and when they happen, you could say he’s “challenging you” or whatever you want tell yourself whatever you need to make yourself feel better I know it’s insanely difficult to deal with this disease I live with an old man with dementia at 88, and man do I feel for him and his daughter(caregiver), anyway give yourself more credit man and I sincerely hope you and your wife the best.
How sweet you are! Your testimony made me cry with empathy and joy for your faithfulness to God and care for your wife even when you were suffering with cancer. May God’s grace and help follow you and give you peace especially in the struggle!
@@ronthorn3 I am a Christian in the UK and am caring for my mother who is 93 and has mixed dementia. I have no family members living nearby and receive little support from friends, although my brother visits every two months now that he's retired. My cousin admires me for what I'm doing and knows I am stressed. He keeps telling me to think of myself and get her into care, but as a Christian I feel I have to put my mother's needs before my own. Christians don't do this in order to get to heaven, but because they want to serve God out of gratitude for the salvation they already have, which is not earned by good works but freely given to them by Jesus Christ who paid the price on the cross. That said, if I feel that my mother can be better cared for in a facility I will try to find a place for her.
Thank you for your professional advise. I tried taking care of my husband for about 3 years. Once dementia got worse and he couldn’t control bathroom issues, I became exhausted. It was 24/7 and I got no sleep, except cat naps when he fell asleep. He was falling and one morning had fallen in the cold garage in February at 5:00. When I found him we took him to the hospital. Had cracked his knee cap and disoriented. Decision was to put him in nursing hime. I still deal with guilt. But it’s so affirming to hear this video. Makes me realize I am doing the right thing. Advice for others. Get an elder attorney to help you with financial affairs. It kept me from losing everything.
Some good points. I've been through this with my grandfather and now my father. The one thing I want to add here is this, if you or a loved one are starting to think about your care please don't wait! Start planning as early as you can. Don't wait until you are so overwhelmed. I know it can be a very emotional thing but plan ahead as best as you can. God Bless.
@@DementiaCareblazers --- Please direct us to planning systems or criteria. I want to plan for myself, because I am a divorced single woman who will soon be living alone. I want to plan before I need it, so my adult children know what to do.
I greatly appreciate your answers to my questions I have a father with Lewy body Dimentia and recently I went for a visit. The caregiver left for a couple hours taking advantage of me being there. I fell asleep and about 20 minutes later my dad was yelling “Help me” so I went downstairs and he had fallen down on the hardwood floor. He kept saying he had to go to the bathroom. I called 911 and they came and picked him up. He didn’t get hurt. The ambulance left and I followed my dad to the restroom I peeked in the bathroom and there was poop everywhere. His diaper was loaded and I had to get him clean clothes twice. So we went to the living room and slept on the couches. There is so much more to this story. I decided right then and there that I would put him in a nursing home. But I don’t have a car so I’m stuck.
My husband just died after seven months in a nursing home. He received help at home until I was not able to keep up with his needs, even with help coming in several times a day. Thank you for this ongoing source of information. It has validated me often over the past two years. I often referred to you for information when I was unsure of myself. I always felt better dealing with difficult behaviours when I could find the information I needed on this channel. Thank you so much for your practical examples, your wisdom and your knowledge. You helped me deal with so many stressful situations.
I cared for my husband for 8-10 years. Then he had a stroke. I brought him home and tried to continue the care, but I physically couldn't do it. He didn't sleep, was incontinent, pushed away hired caregivers, and was aggressive. Wanted me 24/7. He loved and trusted me. 18 month now after his death, I still have guilt about those last 100 days, but I know I tried my hardest.
Do not feel any guilt! You did your absolute best for your husband. You deserve to let it go and to be kind to yourself now. You sould spend time for yourself now. I am sure that you'd husband would want that for you.
Your love of your husband carried thru those last 100 days. In some way, despite dementia, he knew you loved and cared for him. Love is all that lasts.
I'm living it still...we can only do our best...2003 traumatic brain injury..there were days I didn't have time or energy to bathe myself..from the moment I woke up to resting it was fulling his nonstop needs..with the caregivers he always threw them out worse they wouldn't want to come back I finally realized I couldn't continue...it was and is still is the best for us both...it come at a emotional cost I know it's the right thing to do for both of us..you did the right time..sending much encouragement
The survivor guilt is heartbreaking. The loved one can't say thank you, doesn't even know there is anything to thank you for. I hope everyone has resources to guide them.
It’s been 10 years ago since, I took care of my father. I wish your videos were available, back then. He had to go to a nursing home, after my mother collapsed. She and I just couldn’t do it any longer. One of the most difficult, decisions me ever had to make.
Thank you so much for this confirmation of information. I have been taking care of both of my parents for almost 3 years now. My Dad is 89 with diabetes, a colostomy bag on tummy, he is legally blind and hard of hearing, but his mind is sharp! My beautiful Mom is 86 and has about stage 5 dementia. I figured out the stage by watching your video on the 7 stages and the 3 overall stages. I was totally unaware of reason number 2! Her neurologist nor her primary care physician has mentioned anything about losing control of bowels, although I am beginning to experience this. I am completely worn out and we ( all three) stay in bed until 11 am, each morning. I just don’t really want to start the day… always so much to do! And I have already lost much by way of relationships. But I love my parents and feel awful when I rest after getting them settled for the night. I have been thinking about a respite for a month for my Mom so I only have my Dad for awhile. But he says, “Geez, I hate to put her there even for a little while. She is cognitive enough to tell me no she will not go! I have high locks 🔒 on all doors leading out of the house, I have taken the stove dials off of the gas stove, etc.. she wanders mostly at night! Raiding the fridge or taking everything out and in morning I find things defrosting. I’m very tired, discouraged and do feel as if I’m failing a little because my attitude isn’t the same as when I first took on this task. I left the corporate office job for the more important and necessary job of caregiver and, I’m concerned about all three of us. We do have nurses who come every day and help with medications and checking vitals, but……. Oh and my Mom falls a lot! Dad although aware can’t help and so he is depressed…. Thanks for listening and doing what you do.
How are you doing? Your comment made me feel rested knowing there is someone like me having a very difficult time. I am taking care of both my parents too. I also left my job to take care and the pandemic is making things worse. Your situation is a lot tougher than mine. My mom is 89 and has dementia but she can almost have a regular conversation. My dad is 86 and recently became very frail and my work load jumped to 3 times. Now I am no longer able to function and today I am taking my dad to a nursing/rehabilitation facility. I used to have a good career. My life is on hold and I found something new about myself that I don't like at all while taking care of them. Marcia, please take good care of Marcia. Lots of love from Tokyo. Let's hang in there but not feel guilty.
@Marcia Peters... That is a heavy load to carry. Maybe you're Dad would consider it for her if you could find a place to take both of them and keep them together. I think you have to be honest with him about your own feelings of inadequacy at this point. I needed antidepressants and had panic attacks at this point with my Dad. There was nothing more I could do for him but I'm glad I got the medication and counseling to handle anxiety. Prayers for you.
My dad's just been taken into a nursing home here in the UK and I can't tell you how much guilt and relief I've had, all at the same time. I'm now so depressed and worn out that I can't see an end to the feeling at the moment, but I know I'l get there. My dad was a narcissistic and also got aggressive towards me, although we have never had a good relationship. However, I did the dutiful daughter thing and looked after him to the best of my ability. His home will be sold to pay for his care once lockdown is over.
Tamara Winstone My father, too, is a classic Narcissist, and while my mother is still alive, she is codependent and increasingly entering into his worldview. The children of Narcissistic parents have already spent much of their lives catering to, worrying about, prioritizing and “managing” the Narcissist, so when the parent’s age-related needs increase, we find ourselves already depleted in our energy for further caregiving. Be kind to yourself and understand that what is already a terribly hard situation-a loved one in decline-is only intensified by the addition of a personality disorder to the mix! Sending all good thoughts your way.
@@MindiB thank you so much. I'm allowed to visit my dad now, as his nursing home is opening up to visitors for half an hour once a week. The drive is an hour each way and I'm prepared that I could drive all that way just for him to abuse me, but I can't not ever see him again. Even though all my family and friends say I've done enough. I really appreciate your advice and I will put myself first and only go when and if I'm ready. Thank you x
Hey, just thought I'd comment my story. My dad is in a nursing home for just under a year now, you're absolutely right the guilt is horrible. I get to see him less often as I want (covid19) but he's doing much better than he was at home. He was constantly agitated which led to outrageous bouts of anger, he attacked me with a bat. But after we made a family decision we found a fantastic place that specifically look after dementia. It's always gonna be hard, but the care he's getting there helps everyone's quality of life. If you need a proper chat to get your head straight feel free to private message me. Peace and love.
Thank you for this wonderful channel and all of the compassionate guidance. It is important to recognize most people do not have resources to pay for care either at home or in a nursing home until they spend down to poverty level - this is a huge issue, and causes much family stress because ong term care (custodial care) is not covered in this country. The majority of long term care is provided by unpaid family (oftentimes women) and friends - 80% is a recent figure - and with the burgeoning of Alzheimer's diagnosis it will only become a more severe problem. In summary, the cost of caregiving, both financially and in terms of caregiver stress is exponential.
The fact that you articulated exactly what I've been dealing with is more than helpful. The last scenario really hit home because I've literally found myself neglecting myself and others. Oftentimes the neglect stems from the small moments of peace and I don't want to spend those small moments doing anything else but be by myself. Lately I find little joy in anything because I'm constantly worrying about whether or not my mom is having a good day or not and I'm always riddled with guilt if I happen to experience any amount of joy. This is an experience like no other because my mom is trapped in misery.
I know what you mean about feeling guilty for being happy. I get really upset about my mother as I can't imagine what it's like to be so confused and to have to ask the same questions over and over. However, my Mum seems reasonably happy in herself most of the time, which is a blessing, so I hold on to that and try not to take on her pain. There are times when she cries because she's so muddled and it breaks my heart.
This is so informative. My husband, 66, was diagnosed with early onset of dementia a couple of years ago. Add to this is a bipolar disorder. He also has underlying medical problems. His family turns a blind eye since he gets care at the VA. The emotional toll on me is almost insurmountable, but I'm not done yet. My doctor gave me info on support groups for dementia situations.
Why your comment is very valid, she is talking ethical, best practices and different levels of need. I suggest as soon as this diagnosis first comes up the family needs to be talking to a lawyer. And find out the rules and restrictions of Medicare and Medicaid. Varies by state and insurance.
The problem is we’re living too long. Until medical breakthrough to adequately treat mental degradation, we create hell for the elderly and any caregivers and family.
I have a small care home for 25 years and I must say I am so glad I found your channel. We will be sharing this along with your other content at our monthly staff training
My brother is the caregiver, and I help out, but my 91ys old dementia sufferer mother lives with him, and I have finally convinced him to take mother to a special care home for a couple of months. He hasn't been able to sleep properly for years, and she is not able to get up from her bed. It's a terrible situation, but I'm actually very happy about this solution for both of them. My mum will get extra wonderful professional care, and my brother will be able to rest and take care of his health. I think dementia/Alzheimer are the saddest saddest thing, but the people that take care of loved ones with dementia risk serious illness as well, and I'll hold all of you and us in my prayers, because it's soooo traumatic. Please know that you have done so much, and it is necessary to share a burden that can very easily crush you. I teach stress management, and I recognize all the signs of prolonged stress in all of you. Please remember to care for yourselves as well. I reach out with love to all of you... In a sense we are all related in the sad nightmare of our loved ones changing, and not being themselves anymore... We're a family and we can all pray for each other. This youtube channel is a godsent
Your kind words mean so much to me. More than 15 years of caregiving. Caring for elder # 4. I have pneumonia now from prolonged stress. Ready to let a care home take over. I can't continue in this situation as it is. Prayers to all caregivers who are suffering.
Recently, placed my husband in a nursing facility. He has adjusted and "endured" during these Covid-19 pandemic times. It has provided me with relief as the caregiver. I'm grateful to hear your three reasons why your loved one might need a nursing home. #3 is my reason why with #1 running a close second. Thank you for your information to better understand this disease. 💝
These videos have helped me tons! My sister has MS. Recently she developed dementia type symptoms. I couldn't keep her safe anymore. She is now in a nursing home. I watch and rewatch these videos to keep my feelings of guilt at a small roar. My 75 year old mother, who also lives with me, has vascular dementia . She was diagnosed in 2014. It is scarey how fast she is going! I am able to understand what is going on with her and how work with her, because of your videos. Thank you for posting these! They have been a real live saver!
Teepa Snow says that the stress of being a caregiver for a person with dementia actually goes on to *raise our risk* of eventual dementia. Self-care is super important, guys! She said it’s better for us to let the nursing home do their care and for us to see them with really positive visits, VS our loved ones seeing us stressed, emotional and going crazy, which *ups* their stress level.
It really is all a balancing act, I agree. But remember that self-care is possible while being a caregiver. My Mom hated babysitters and it was super hard for her to let someone else care for me when I was little--even though it meant she and my dad never got to go out together anymore. Finally she relented a bit. Similarly, it's so important to make time for oneself and get help as the loved one's health deteriorates. Even if you are not ready to put them in a facility, even if you never are, there are always options. The hard part is not letting yourself get isolated and to do the research and outreach to find that help, especially if you're low income.
My MIL cared for her mother with dementia and shortly after her death, she started showing signs of dementia. She is now in advanced stages and lives with us.
my mom is a wanderer, I add locks at the doors and she managed to destroy every single lock we set...I asked my older brother to put a double lock at the doors and this one works so far...I keep the house safe for her by keeping everything inside the cabinet, I changed the furnitures that's easy to clean,anything that requires electricity was placed beyond her reach, everything was secured to the walls. My stepfather stays with her all the time...we tried to keep her safe, however she's so good at escaping, always waiting for that perfect opportunity when my uncle's(stepfather)dozing off, God blessed our neighbors who always help us either find her or intercept her escape plan..we accepted that this will be our normal life, our family, neighbors and friends should know and understand our situation...I told my stepfather that whatever he hears from other people just keep the ones that can help us and smile at opinions that those people do not understand how to care for someone with dementia/alzheimers...give them the benefit that they have no idea how to live with a love one with dementia/alzheimers and no one will wish them to experience that...
1. They wander outside, or can't detect dangerous situations, or don't know what to do in an emergency. 2. They start to lose control over their bowels and are afraid of the shower. 3. Excessive caregiver stress (your loved one may need a higher level of care than you can provide).
My gramma already does all three and grandpa won’t put her in a home and I’m tired of being the caregiver when no one else will do it. I used to love to take care of my gramma until it got to these three stages. I feel like I gotta give up and find a way to get my grandpa to understand we can’t do this anymore
@@Angie_bae I’m a 69 year old man, I came home 21 years ago to take care of my, now 95 yr old, mom. The last 7 or 8 years have been pure hell. I’m seeing all 3 of these symptoms, just put mom into a nursing home. She is resistant and hostile, the mental trauma I experience is off the charts! I have no option, thank God my sister is helping with the business end of this. She lives in another city, and can’t be here all the time. This has been 1 of the worst experiences of my life. It’s a horrible place to be in life.
@@Angie_bae Until you reach a more sophisticated solution, here is what I have done and am satisfied with. 1. I bought a few 45$ wireless webcams off Amazon and put them around the house. Just plug em in, scan the QR code into your phone (there's an app you download) and they set themselves up, so easy. I can check on my husband not only from any other room in the home, or out in the yard, but even from many miles away via wireless. Now, he isn't a wanderer anyway. He's a homebody, always was, almost agoraphobic. But being able to see how he is, what he's doing etc. while I am at the grocery store or gym or whatever, is priceless. Oh, we also text back and forth every day to keep him able to do that as long as possible. We even text each other while we're both home. Also, where he tends to sit all day, I have a notepad in front of him with some basic info on it, like when to call 911, the names of all his meds etc. I know he'll get beyond the point where that helps but it's good for now. 2. He began having bowel problems years and years ago. Runs in the family, his adult daughter has #2 issues as well. And after chemo he got much worse. Solution? Depends undies. We change them same time every day, in the AM and PM, easy peasy, takes one minute. Routine is so good for people with memory issues! I have a mattress protector (full fitted) which goes under the sheets, and also use completely leakproof pads which lay on top of the sheets and are only $20 from Amazon--I have five or six on hand and rotate them. Also--his problem was rooted in constipation, simply not doing #2 often enough, so I got him on a glass of Miralax daily and a good diet with more fluid intake and enough fiber, and the problem has been greatly minimized. Hardly any real accidents anymore, just minor leakage which the Depends easily manage. Never give an old person with bowel problems Indian food, or whatever the equivalent is for them! Keep it simple, tasty, easy to digest. He would fear the shower as he's quite infirm, BUT I bought a terrific shower chair which I actually use too now because it's so relaxing, lol. It's especially good if you have a small bathroom and/or a vintage tub--it fits great in such places, which many standard shower chairs don't--they're too big and not stable enough. It's by Moen and accept no substitutes. All the other ones were junk. This one is at once more streamlined, more stable and more comfortable. Half the legs are inside the tub and half are outside--that's key to the stability. Now my husband is fine with showers. You don't even have to stand to get in or out of the tub using this chair. You just sit down and then swing your legs in or out. 3. I am lucky in terms of our situation. My husband's super trusting and loving. He's just so so so happy to stay at home and does not want to do anything to mess that up. Also I am retired too so no worries about a job's demands or kids to care for. Our home's not the best for a disabled person but at least it's all one level. It's still stressful and heartbreaking, but I give him little tasks that he CAN do to help me; that makes him feel better too. I have friends over for lunch or supper often to avoid getting too lonely (or zoom/facetime/what's app voice messages--I hate this stupid pandemic! My friends and I meet up for walks, too.) Husband and I take walks together, and go for drives or to get takeout meals when we are bored--getting out of the house really helps. So do meditation, therapy, yoga and exercise and I recommend them all heartily! I also make a lot of lists and try not to sweat the small stuff. Hope some/any of this info helps!
Just placed my mom in a home. Really glad that I found this series. It has given me some valuable insight and very valuable tips on how to talk with her.
This was very helpful and made me feel better about my decision to put my mom in a home. My caregiver brother is amazing but after almost 5 years he is burned out. Despite my promise to my mom, I have had to re-evaluate the situation. Mom was very active in every way until age 87. She would be the last one to want to burden her children. I had to weigh her health and my brother's too. It made the decision easier. Thanks again.
thank u so much for the info, I'm care blazers and I'm definitely on reason number 3, I'd been trying to find a place for mom but theyr extremely expensive, minimum 3500 a month and that do not included if they have to give her meds!!!
Tell me about it. My dad does not have dementia, but requires help that I am not able to provide. We had to place him in an assisted living facility where I was tricked into becoming the guarantor on his account. We are trying to move him to a different facility now so I can pay off the debt owed to the current one, but it's like being trapped between a rock and hard place.
financially I cannot sustain placing my mother in a nursing home, that can give her a better care if necessary, I believe that in some cases family of someone with dementia/alzheimers may need this kind of help from a nursing home...I am so indebted to my mother's gynecologist who happens to be our sort of a neighbor( a lot of blocks away from our house)...she provides me and my stepfather a good counselling on how to care for ourselves and for my mother...When family members were convincing me to take my mother to a facility that can help her, I know they have the best intention for us and for my mother, my first reaction was can I abandon my mother like that?, I cried so hard just thinking about it, rationalizing the situation It was an option for her to get help...but sustaining that financially in long term I know I can not do it. I am just so thankful that our family, neighbors and friends do understand our situation and that we are carers of a love ones with dementia/Alzheimers...
@@MacHippy-qk4pr thank you for your concern. It helps me a lot to write how I feel on videos like this, it is somehow an emotional outlet for me. I also learn a lot from the comments and the videos as well.
Thank you for this video. I’m going through nearly all of these. I know Dad is safer in assisted living, though I often feel like I have no life of my own, I know him living with me would be damaging to us both.
You really had helped me understand these situations I'm going through,I'm realizing I have to calm down a little(stress is really taking over me) I'm taking a day at a time
le Nora.. ,take care of yourself, I hope and pray you have family members who will help you in your situation now..always talk to someone. keep your connections with your friends.
Thank you for saying we are not horrible people. I keep telling myself that it is the safest place for my husband, he’s a fall risk, on top of other issues that would be difficult to take care of in the house. Thank you, thank you, for addressing stress of a care giver. How we do have kids and other things to do. Pulled in two directions.
You are so welcome! Caregiving is difficult and there are often not easy answers to the problems faced by caregivers. What is the right choice for one caregiver may not be the right choice for another. I am glad you found some comfort from this video.
Thank you for saying each family is different. Some families have greater or fewer resources or financial assets, to use, for keeping someone at home. Some may have health benefits that can enable them to hire a private home care RN, or Health Care Aides, for 24 hr care, whereas some do not.
Dear Dr Natalie; ever since I found your channel I have had a lot more confidence and knowledge in the way I take care of my mother. she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 10 yrs ago. she has been living with me, the past 5 yrs. in January she left the house while my husband and I were sleeping. Thank God for good neighbors,( they all know her) so we got a call at 6:00 AM when one of our neighbors found her in his back yard wondering. since we installed a security system with cameras and changed all the locks. However, as her condition progresses it has also put tremendous strain in my marriage, so next month I will be moving her to a facility and try to salvage what is left of my self and my life. Thank you for letting me know that I am not a horrible person and that it is ok, to make that decision!
The nursing home my mom was in for nearly 3 yrs almost killed my mom during lockdown last year! Thank God my sister and I both are nurses she’s retired due to her own health issues but doing quite well and she and I share the responsibility of taking care of my mom I have my mom every weekend my sister has her through the week because she’s at home. We have her on hospice and we have a Home health aide that gives her about three times a week and nurse that sees her a couple times a week. She doesn’t have wandering issues or anything like that she broke her leg at the nursing home so she’s pretty much wheelchair-bound she can bear weight and she can stand up so we can change her and she’s a little she’s not heavy so she’s no big problem and moving around and putting in bed. I feel so much better now that we are taking care of her she’s eating better she loves being with us. There was just too much of a change over in that nursing home during the lockdown and during Covid. We’ve had her since February . I moved back to a town that I never thought I would move to just so that I could help take care of her got another job in an area of nursing that I’ve never worked in that offered weekends I have to work five days a week but my hours are shorter so I’m not as tired. This decision I ever made my sister and I are closer than we’ve ever been. We enjoy our 87 yr old mother.
This is wonderful!!! You’re a great example! btw Jesus Christ loves you, he is real. We must all repent and follow him if we want to go to heaven. I hope you believe and that I’ll meet you, such a dedicated person, in heaven one day.
You are professionally trained with company for yourself and mom. And outside help. You wrote eloquently, and I am happy for your circumstances. Most of these other caregivers seem to have minimal help, or none. And they are beyond exhausted. Each city or town has different social services. Or senior volunteers.
I was lucky enough to find a nursing home for my mom today. We live in Pennsylvania. Mom is a retired school teacher, and retired minister. Mom has a Master Degree in Special education. All that beautiful knowledge and training, gone like dust in the wind! Mom came to live with me and my family three yrs ago after the death of my father. We too gave it our best... mom does not have a lot of money, she is on the "waiver program" Medicaid. And after being turned down by many many nursing facilities, because of lack of funds, we finally found a place for mom. Is it the best place, time will tell. However, I really enjoyed this video, for my heart is truly breaking for my mother. And lord knows, we gave it our all. Yes, mom deserves a level of care that we simply can not give. She has displayed all of the signs mentioned above. If you can not find a nursing home, check your loved one in the nearest emergency room. Tell them you can no longer offer the care and support your loved one desperately needs. And hopefully, their case management staff will take it from there. Be Blessed Care Givers!!
So recognisable. Safety concerns: My dementing dad lived by himself in his own house for quite some time but yes: my dad went wandering at night. Sometimes taken home by complete strangers. My sister would be phoned in the middle of the night because her number was on a sticker on his walking stick. Loss of bowel control: yes. The evidence was all over. Lots of washing, bed cleaning, carpet cleaning etc. Extreme care giver stress: Yes my sister (who was the main carer, together with regular prof carers) was close to breakdown. He went into a nursing home (he didn’t want to but was tricked into it). He lasted another half year. Bless his soul.
This hits home to me. My Mom is doing all of this. She is in stage 5th Dementia. My daughter is grown with her own family, I was widowed at 43 and my mom told me at that time 10 years ago to come live with her. It has been wonderful, but my health is not the best and I find myself frustrated and it doesn't help that she is unable to control her bowels, both number and number 2. She has so many health issues, my cousins and aunts and uncles have gone through this before and know it is time. I just need to know it is ok to accept the help. Thank you. This video sealed the decision. Memory Care it is. God bless you!
Had a terrible scene this morning with my mother. I'm at the point where I know she should be somewhere getting care. Your videos this morning have eased my guilt about this. Your information and suggestions are "right on". She has been in our home for 6 1/2 years and the last two have been difficult . She has done so much for our family but her uncontrollable outbursts are getting frustrating. My aunt , who she was close to, passed away in January so she seems to have a death obsession every time some small thing happens. She is my 24/7 because my brother can't come as often as he used to. I'm sad, I cry and I don't think I can do this much longer. Thank you SO MUCH for your videos . I can go on for today
Thank you for that interesting information. I can relate to everything you talked about as I was sole carer for my mother until I found that I could no longer keep her safe, as she needed 24/7 supervision. In one rare moment of clarity she said "I would like to go to one of those places where old people go to be looked after". Fortunately she was able to go into a care home, and although she hated it at first (kept trying to get out), as the condition progressed she settled and I was able to enjoy visits with her, knowing she was safe and cared for.
I love this! Yes, for some people, a nursing home is just what is needed to start feeling better and doing better! Thank you for sharing! I have a video being released at the end of August that talks exactly about this! Happy your mom is doing well and I hope you are doing well too!
you are very lucky!! the woman i care for is going into respite for a couple weeks. i am worried that when she comes out (they are isolating her because of CV19) she will be a shell of the woman who went in. i hope this is not the case but i have seen too many over worked and under staffed homes to think that she will get one on one attention that she will need. but i guess time will tell. at 83 we go for a walk down the road and back. she is now making it all the way to the end of the road and back. i carry a stool she can rest on when she gets tired but she does go and its uphill on the way back (with plateaus) its 0.9 of a mile out and back and i think its amazing at 83 she can walk it. im not so sure after sitting in a room on her own for 2 weeks she will be able to do that .
@@acornhomestead3575 can you give us an update? My own mother is almost 80, she gets around all right with a walker. She broke her hip months ago on some stairs, of course we were horrified but she seems to have come out of it with flying colors thank goodness. She's also survived cancer more than once. She is certainly a fighter. She noted that it's so ironic, a person can be fine for decades and never see the doctor, and then wham, things start to happen lol
@@kbanghart My lady is doing well. she has been in since the 2nd of january. im surprised her daughter is thinking of taking her out if she is doing so well honestly. im not sure how much walking she does but her happiness being in a home and having 24 hour care has definitely been the right move for her. i havent seen her in a couple months but all reports say she is doing well.
I love your proffessionalism. I passed through 30 years with my father with Dementia. My brother and me litterally had no life. Fortunatelly we both mananaged to make our lives important and he got a kid in his late fourties and I am very well payed caregiver in Germany. All due to long lasting fathers illness.
Thank you so much for posting these videos. My 87 year old mother had a stroke a couple of months ago, which has caused her dementia to advance. I have recently realized that I cannot bring her home to take care of her 24/7. This video has highlighted why and given me the right reasons to take to the discharge team meeting.
After my husband with Dementia wandered a few times, his Doctor recommended two Risperidone 5mg pills taken daily. One in the morning when he got up to begin his day, and one in the evening before bed time. He stopped wandering altogether once on the med. When his illness advanced to the point of being unable to walk, he was taken off the medication with no wandering episodes going forward.
Forgetting daily routine ie tablets, and spitting them out when Carer not looking; forgetting to drink from a glass and pushing it away; unable to sleep by not taking night tablet; unable to turn in bed; showering, resulting in a top&tail wash when toileting; physical and verbal abuse. These come to mind from my experience many years ago looking after my Mother. It is a labor of love.
We went through that and when my mother went to the nursing home there was even some kind of improvement in her condition. She always said did not want to be a burden for anybody (her words). She did take care of her mother when we were kids. Now, my sister, the caregiver, has gone through a rejection stage (my words) that, although not intended, has caused problems with the nursing home staff. She has a but for everything and they do nothing 100%(?). After three years and at a severe deterioration stage, mom is going back to my sister's house. BTY, I have become a stain on the wall that covers the expenses not covered by SS and her small pension. No voice or vote. Sadness all over the place. I guess just venting.
My husband wakes from dreams and confuses them from reality. I put door alarms on just so I can sleep in my own bed instead of the living room floor. I can't afford to keep him in a facility that gives 24 hour care and that is sad. So thanks to all the good video and articles and books I am learning to change my way of thinking on handling what happens day to day with him. I know there will come a time when I will need to sell my home just to keep him in a nursing home and live in my car or with one of my children.
If a loved one needs to go into a nursing home but doesn't have much money you(family member) can help by getting them on Medicaid. It's a tedious process but is worth the work. Make sure to get Power of Attorney as well.
Zork Work --- My sister has enough $$ for either herself OR her husband who has advanced Alzheimer's Disorder. She is trying to keep him at home as long as possible. Now that she has help through Hospice, the workers show up without advanced notice --- or perhaps 1 hour's notice. It's making her crazy because she schedules a caregiver to cover duties at home while she goes to the store, etc. Imagine getting a text informing you that the Hospice DON will be arriving at the house in 15 minutes.....while you're miles away! She does not want Hospice staff to visit while the sitter is present. Is asking for at least 2 or 3 days advance notice unreasonable?
@@OceanSwimmer I understand completely. Mom refused to move closer to us. I was so afraid if we had her living alone in her apartment-that a situation like that would happen.. We had gotten Mom a First Alert Button,, Meals on Wheels,,,,,,,,,a house cleaner and friends/family to call her... before I left from caring for her She'd returned from rehab from having a broken femur)I was there for over a month...I work for myself and needed to return home. Within one day Mom cancelled everything we tried to do to make her as independent as possible within a day!!!!....She told us this in anger....another sign of Dementia .(She has very bad osteoporosis and has had some very bad breaks just from doing normal tasks(her bones are very fragile) Within 4 days after I'd returned home.....Mom's leg went numb and she ended up in the nursing home I'd asked for a placement(really nice people there...and a pretty place) But we did start the Medicaid process 2 years earlier because she was breaking her bones so regularly. I still have to work (I'm 66) so as hard as this decision was for myself and my brother ...she is in a good place. She likes it...though she thinks she put herself a rehab center and we go along with it. The hardest part right now is that we can't visit due to Covid but we talk every day. The staff are very kind to her and do little things to make her feel special. You have to think about your own health....because as your sister knows it wears on her as well Please at least research Medicaid options in your state....and take care of yourselves as well.
I am not a caregiver but these videos have been so helpful to me since my best friend has Alzheimers. I have shared your channel with her family. I cannot understand why some people gave this video a thumbs down. Every little bit of information I can get helps me to better understand things and better help my friend and her family.
I commend this Doctor and her advice is sweet and gentle and kind. My sister has been the caregiver for my mother and experienced all the problems mentioned in #2 and #3 of this video. In her efforts to care for my 200+ lb mother she experienced a torn rotator cuff, a atrophied muscle in that same area, and a tendon ripped right off the bone. This is taking mother out in a wheelchair and lifting her nearly inert body out of bed, chairs, the car and hauling a heavy wheelchair in and out of her car. Now, even though mother is in a very good care facility my sister visits every day! My sister has said that she hopes that she dies first, not that my mother would pass first. She has been diagnosed with stage 3 endometrial cancer and what she is most concerned about is how mother will react, not her own health. She went 1 year with symptoms because of our mother's demands. Obviously there is more going on here than mothers simple dementia, my mother always has been a self-centered and heartless woman and saw in my sister a willing victim. Mother would not be in a care facility had I not gone to support my sister and told the horrible truth about what mother was subjecting my sister to daily. It is great that some people have normal parents and caregiving is a challenge, but a normal challenge. But I have seen the other side and the picture is not pretty. My sister will probably not live her whole life span, and she is still more worried about "mom" than about herself. It breaks my heart.
As a husband taking care of my wife with some outside help, I worry about when my own physical abilities deteriorate and I can no longer care for her. A few years ago, she was in three different nursing homes. The care was horrible. With covid, I believe it would be a death sentence.
I am the sole caregiver to my 98 year old mother with dimentia. She's in home hospice care now and the nurses and aide comes twice a week to check her and bathe her. I have a sitter twice a week for 5 hours each day. Those 10 hours a week are all I have to myself and those days are when I get my grocery shopping, banking, and my own appointments done. I really haven't had a full day to myself in over 5 years. This year I've started taking blood pressure medicine and this week I've started an anti-anxiety med. I cry every..single..day. My mother is bedridden, unable to even turn over in the bed on her own and as of last week her speech has left her. She can't form a word anymore. She tries to talk but all that comes out is grunting. She also hasn't eaten in 3 days. Today will be the fourth. My brothers and I think she's on her way out yet the nurses say her vital signs are good. Because of the level of care she requires there may not be a nursing home in our state that will take her. A friend had to put her mother in a nursing home in a neighboring state for that reason. I will have to talk to the nurse today and see what she says. No medical professional has mentioned a possible time of death, so she could keep going on for a while. But sure as I put her in a nursing home, she'll pass away without any family present. I'm conflicted.
I am so glad I came across your very informative channel. My mother (87) is my father’s (91) caregiver. I live 45 minutes away and I’m trying to keep a close eye on them. My father has memory problems. His physician put him on B-12. We just presented them with a Mobile Help home system. Hopefully my dad will wear his pendant. My mom is very stressed, but refuses help at this time. To all caregivers out there, you are angels on earth ❤️
Ignore blueocean! I am 82 to my husbands 83. Our 60 yr old daughter has nearly burned out living with us during covid, etd. I recently accepted home help 16 hours per week. It is such a blessing. Although my husband can barely see and has mobility issues, and requires lots of help, our 60 plus years together make our time together precious. Tell your mom, having help has allowed me more time to devote to him and less to just keeping up with day to day tasks. We can still laugh together, watch simple TV, I read to him or just sit with him. He still prefers my care but he loves me and wants me to be okay. My great fear has been to die before he does. I have never been Never Nursing Home and accept the time may come. But, until .... we Keep On Keepin' On.
You are welcome, Victoria. Caring for a loved one with dementia can be so overwhelming. I hope you are able to find ways to make sure you take care of yourself and surround yourself with supportive people. There are some pretty great FB groups for people in your situation if you search for dementia caregiver support in FB. Also, I made this careblazer survival guide last weekend. You may also find some help in here as well. The link will ask for your email and then my survival guide will be immediately emailed to you. Here is the link: eepurl.com/cPG069 All the best.
Thank you for these guidelines. I am a pastor now retired. These ideas would have been a great addition in the past 20 years. I am glad to be subscribed now and to share information at our retirement community.
These words of neutrality and balance are SO healing, and would have been such 15 years ago, following a 15 yr interval of parental caretaking x2, for me. From my 20s through mid-30s, I had to come up with these myself, for myself. And at the time, when the process with each parent came to a close, individually, I then had to oath with myself to not revise history as time moved forward; what was fresh at the time was the most accurate, and what I constantly told myself to hold onto; THAT was "reality" , and my handling of it was the best that I could do for the and circumstances. That oathing, almost 20 years later, has been my salvation; my healing force and gesture of self-love, in which I could not have been a better best friend to myself by other means. Still I wish, for the Young Me that had a mammoth bowl of life to navigate quite suddenly, and for an extended duration, to have had someone to tell me these things; of the various social workers and doctors involved, SOMEONE that could've seen ME, and waved a yellow flag, pointing me toward resource, like this one, available to me. Thank you for saying these things! Your words "have value", indeed!
My husband of 53 years went into a care home and has been there for almost a year. It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make. I just couldn’t take care of him anymore. My stress and anxiety were at capacity. Every marriage has a history and that has to be taken into account. I will always grieve I guess and I miss him so much.
I identify. My dad is 86. Im 63. A home to care for and a high maintenance husband. Cant take on anymore. To stressful. So I did what I had to do. Plus I have issues with health myself. All my inheritance will go for his care, but that is ok.
@@sharoncrawford3042 Same here. Mom is 97. I am a cancer survivor and my husband is 8 years older than me. Hated do it, but it has worked out. She has been there for three years and I see her almost every day. Lost every bit of inheritance but worth it.
I was fortunate to have been able to have a conversation with my mom when some confusion was starting back in 2019, she was stressed about the future, I told her that I would ensure that she had everything that she would need as far as personal effects and care from there to the finish line whenever that may be, we visited a couple long term care homes and she chose where she wanted to go when the time came. Early 2020 she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and moved into a retirement home for some assistance mostly medication administration and meals, March 2022 she moved into the long term care home she chose, on the drive she said “ I’m so excited to be going to and she named the place” “ I never thought I’d get there “ I’m living a total guilt free life knowing she is getting everything she needs and she is where she wants to be. I’m so very grateful.
Missnurse - you have done your very best. My mother is 101 & I have arranged residential care for here as I am so afraid of what she will do as she cannot be safely left, has nearly burnt down kitchen & cannot be logical any more. I am 67 & have put my life on hold for 8 years to the point where I am in danger of stress overriding my system. Please realise that if the person was in their right mind then they wouldn’t want you to suffer xx
How I wish UA-cam & this video had existed years ago when I was caring for my mom & had to make "the decision". Knowing these 3 things would have been tremendously helpful.
Thank you very much for the videos. I am in a situation at the present time trying to help my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. My brother-in-law has been diagnosed with dementia and is in a memory care facility. He was only amid it to the facility after his wife had a stroke and is disabled. He was not able to help her when she had the stroke and does not remember that she had a stroke. Currently my other sister-in-law and myself are power of attorney for the wife and have applied for guardianship for the husband. This video is so much in description like their situation. She was unable to convince him to get into a facility together and now both of them are in a facility. It makes me sad but after watching this video I realize it’s the best thing for both of them. She suffered much with caregiver stress to the point I think it could’ve been a contributing factor to her stroke. Thank you for the wide range of topics that you cover on dementia
I think Care and Nursing homes should have a cap on the profit they are allowed to make. They are understaffed, staff are paid minimum wage attracting a lot of people with no skills or vocation. Staff who are dedicated are not appreciated and are over worked and often leave when they see how the facilities are run purely for profit with low staff ratio’s and no effort put in for stimulating their residents, poor nutrition resulting in malnourished residents. It’s cheaper to put residents in pads than it is to pay for extra staff- the price to pay - a lack of dignity and independence for the patient. The situation currently is disgraceful and needs stricter regulation. In the U K most state funded homes are disappearing and profit run homes are taking over but they are reluctant to take government funded clients as the government doesn’t contribute enough towards their care. This forces care homes to use self funded clients to subsidise the shortfall from government funded clients. Consequently the places for government funded clients are in short supply and waiting lists are high. A lot of care homes are owned by people the medical profession to boost their income not out of a sense of providing a valuable service. This needs to change.
Care assistant working in a private home here. I absolutely agree. I went into the job full of passion to help people and provide quality care. I realised very quickly that I can’t provide the standard of care I would like because of how understaffed the home is. The food the residents get fed is horrible, the rooms are tiny and not fit for purpose, the equipment is cheap and often breaks, and since we only have 1 maintenance person they can’t cope to repair it all. The owner has said himself that because he’s putting money into a new building, he will not put money into the old one unless it makes it unsafe (against the regulations). Some days I come back home and cry myself to sleep from frustration. I want to give my residents the best of the best but not every care assistant is like that either. All things considered I am strongly considering moving to a different career path. How can one expect someone to deal with all that on top of already mentally exhausting task that is taking care of multiple people with dementia? And all that for minimum wage? No requirement for qualifications, and we are surprised that the standard of care is less than satisfactory? I wish people would wake up.
Valarie very well said, with truth and facts. It's disgusting how our elderly are being discarded, and treated badly, or not at all trained in the field of dementia .... . I am so disgusted with this, and I'm mad at myself that I wouldn't even know how to go about fighting for all of our elders...... If you know something I can to to be an advocate for the elderly who need proper care please I'm Trudy Contos, not Harry he is my brother ..... Send me a msg on FB messenger or if you can in this post .... Thank you
This is a huge statement and it speaks to how our societies do not honor our elderly! But when capitalism is alive well, the underdog always suffers the most!
Also, if the house is cluttered and hired professionals don't want to work in unsanitary conditions. The options are, either the house gets cleaned up, or the person moves where they can have the care they need.
Dementia can be very stressful for the family when a family member is going through the stages which are explained well by this series. My brother is going through the stages now, and I would estimate he is in stage 3 (of 3) or beginning stage 7 (of 7). I am glad that I took the time to spend a week with him at his home by request of his wife, to observe and help make a determination if he should move into a memory care facility. He was a safety risk to himself and to the home at this point. I ask not certain how long he will live. Since moving him into the care facility, he has continued to decline, has lost weight, and can no longer walk on his own. I visit him as often as I can, share memories with him, and always tell him that I love him as well as his family. He reciprocates the best he can, but he is now losing the ability to communicate.
the exact words that everyone has to hear. cause, others will say words that they don't know how we as caregiver do and going through. Thank you for your lovely and educated videos
In December I moved my parents to a flat in a retirement home. Mom is blind and dad has mild-moderate dementia. I had looked after them for months at their farm while organising this eventuality. Then covid19 struck and i evacuated them in March back to the farm (that we were about to sell). I am here looking after them again, except now with the added isolation. I feel like i am in an endless time loop. I miss my husband and our house and my work and projects. There are things I couldn't do when i was younger that i have impatiently saved worked and planned for to be able to finally do and now i can't because of this. I have got to put extra effort into not getting depressed myself.
Thank you. I have been in denial. My mom got diagnosed 6 years ago. But now I am seeing all the signs that make me feel I can't do it anymore. I am exhausted, anxious, irritable and guilty all the time. I have no longer a life nor can find proper care at home and I have to work 10 hours a day plus do everything else for her. I think it's time. This video I found quite by accident as I have never seen your channel before. It's almost like divine message from God. My decision to move her to a home is right. Besides, I am glad that at least I have some options. 🙏 Thank you. I have to do this and free myself and get off my anxiety meds.
ToyaTruly Robinson, my deepest sympathies to you. I know how hard it is without blindness. I can only imagine the added stress and concerns you’re facing. Sending love to you. 💝✨✌🏼
I just got diagnosed with first stages of Alzheimer’s & I’m scared to death. For so many reasons. I live alone, I loose time, I forget many task I think I’m suppose accomplish throughout my day... I can’t figure out how to write things properly. So I voice write everything now. It suck!!!!
I needed to hear this today , I have decided to place my Mum after five years of caregiving in my home, she has begun to wander , has been incontinent frequently , and i have placed my husband and family on the back burner for so long , I have started to lose my patience and dread getting up in the morning, I feel like I am failing my Mum but i found a great local memory care unit , I think that is best for all of us
My mother has been living in a nursing home for 3 years now and I still feel guilty and that I have failed at taking care of her. I feel horrible and it's very upsetting....it's hard to see her there because I feel that EVERYONE blames me and it's my fault that she's there. I am mostly haunted by guilt-almost daily! My mother treated me horribly when I was her caregiver - I have forgiven her and I would give anything to have my mother back..the mom I knew before dementia.
Sherrie Johnson it does not sound like you failed our mother. It sounds like you made the very difficult decision to make sure your mother is cared for. The people you feel blame you do not have a say because they did not step in to provide care. I hope you can slowly find ways to realize you did what needed to happen. Day by day, be a bit more gentle to yourself. Guilt does nothing to improve the situation, it only makes you feel worse. Sending hugs your way. 💕
Have you thought about getting some individual therapy and joining a caregiver support group? Nobody is pointing their finger at you. You are creating your own guilt and punishing yourself. It's not necessary nor is it healthy. Good luck.
I know exactly how u feel.I haven't had fun or anything in 8 years I always have my parents in the back of my head.They'er my best friends it's so hard to go to the house thank God my father is pretty good.But my Dad & I look around the house & everything reminds us of her. seen her today at nursing home the worst is saying we have to go cause I have chores at my house.But I do it in a way that I feel like Im ling to her we'll see u soon.She use to give me phone calls everyday I miss that soooo much.
You are way too hard on yourself. You sound like a great person to me, but don't take blame on your shoulders. There is no fault & there is no blame. YOU ARE COOL!
I am a retired Psychiatrist. My wife has mid-stage dementia. Despite my training, my wishful thinking sadly blinds me to perspective and I am at no great advantage to anyone else. Interestingly, my training has at times stood in my way. I have repeatedly taken my wife's lack of knowledge of what she has done as denial that can be rectified, motivating me to want to educate her to no avail. I recognize that I have been trying to "give a bald woman a comb." I had forgotten that part of the disease is actually not having awareness of having a disease (anosognosia). Thank you for your videos.
I worked part-time for 5 years for a home health company which I really enjoyed and turned out to be very rewarding. I agree with you 100% on reasons for nursing home care which is the best thing for certain clients. Thanks for video.
Just like everyone else in the comments I needed this video today. Dad is diagnosed with multiple dementias Mom died 4 months ago. He's ok at his house with one of my siblings who needs housing too BUT the day will come and I have been asking the question of what does he look like, or what is the situation that requires his placement. Thanks for these hard question thoughts I just watched your vid on Stop doing this. So more is the issue of me being in touch with me and not ignoring it or my wife and really knowing the future is mine and not my dad's.
Thank you for all you do to convey important, salient information to all those who are caregivers looking for a way to get through today & survive tomorrow while taking care of loved ones. I am a 65 year old male who is the sole caregiver for my 89 year old mother suffering from dementia. It is the greatest challenge of my life & I pray I am up to the task.
Thank you for this video. I pray that people understand that judging others by the decisions they make in this very emotional and stressful event in families lives are just a unique and judging others is IMO a very horrible thing to do to others. I'm a retired nurse. Since I retired, I have done total care for other family members and worked alongside with their hospital doctors, hospice teams and aides for all dynamics in their well being. This time. My aunt who has lived lately as a widow and cannot drive. She is 64. Went to see her and bring some items that she needed because she said she " didn't feel well to get a shower and was sore" This was kind of a usual thing in a way with her and her lifestyle for much of her life. I would take her to work, when she was working, we take her to family events, doctors , grocery store ect. Well, this particular day, I went to take some items she needed and I was absolutely devastated She had 3rd degree full thickness burns all down the left side of her body. Blackened and no sense coming from her. Flies came out of the doorway and the smell of poop ect was unbelievable. She had no sense of what was even happened to her. She couldn't even say a time frame of when this occurred and how long she stayed this way before calling to get items she needed and no mention of burned! Quickly called ambulance and got to the burn unit. Infection was in and it appeared and stated that she was like that for about a week. The house had her fecal matter all over the house and had to get bio team out to remove contaminated items ect and fumigation in the house just to be able to go in and see. She had to have suffered brain encephalitis slowly but surely before this and them a brain bleed that was small. But she has lost all ability to cognitive and reasoning due to irreparable brain damage. She has no thought or knowledge about her home and things are jumbled with people who has passed away years ago ect. She has to have 25/7 care and be kept safe and get care. This is impossible for me to do. I already cate for my parents now who haven't reached dementia but have other conditions. The paperwork and such is a whole nightmare too. So damned complicated and not do anything wrong. I finally had to petition court to appoint conservator/ guardian. I'm so burned out and stressed
My MIL is in final stage dementia, she has hearing impairment and she can't really communicate, it makes it very difficult to help her live with the best quality of life she might enjoy. She has mobility issues and she's a fall risk, and she has incontinence problems, sometimes she can feed herself, sometimes she loses focus and needs help getting the food in her mouth. We went with daytime home health aids, it's expensive but much cheaper than a nursing home. She has some assets to pay for it and we're stretching it as far as we can, so my wife covers her mother two days a week and nights. So far, that's kept my wife's sanity, her mother's decline is physically and emotionally challenging, without the aids help, she's not sure if she could have made it this far. Fortunately we are both retired, so we aren't trying to balance a job and home care, but still a tough responsibility and our lives are on hold until she passes. But I guess we wouldn't have it any other way.
Excellent video. In my mothers case, there were several issues that made me decide to send her to nursing home care. Problems with personal hygiene, cleaning the house, washing clothes, taking her medication, no longer understanding traffic rules (not obeying red traffic lights), no longer able to prepare her food, setting the kitchen on fire. And no longer accepting help from outside caregivers with these issues.
I had what I thought was a crazy experience, but have since learned that it is not. A nursing home held my mother illegally and imprisoned her in their lockdown unit for the insurance money, when I wanted to take her out and move her in with me, and she wanted it too. She knew where she was and scored normally on all cognitive tests. I had to fight in probate court for 2 months, and I followed their rules for fear of being deemed a bad caregiver, but EVERYTHING they did was illegal. I'm writing a graphic memoir of how I used my health and fitness knowledge from forgetting me, and it worked. Many of the meds have side effects of bowel problems and not having your safety precautions, as well as many meds have side effects of memory loss, like zocor and the statins. I watched my mother's behavior after food too and high fructose corn syrup made her mean and delusional. When I got her hydrated which was nearly impossible, she was nice as well. Dehydration causes every imaginable problem. I realize there are reasons that people may have to put their relatives in nursing homes, but I seriously wonder on their safety inside, because there's so much neglect and other patients could hurt them. Have you ever seen a study on the deteriation of people after going into a nursing home? Thans for the video.
Ive been wrestling with this decision to place my loved one...emergencies would throw her, but #1 is caregiver stress. We've tried 2 facilities, 1st one when i went through cancer treatment, 2nd one was 2 week respite, both bad experiences. Shes just so happy at daycare and with me, makes it 100 times harder.
People who have never dealt with this have NO IDEA about the stress this puts on caregivers.
I'm an EMT. I put my career aside to take care of my mother. My stress isn't so much taking in care of my mother, or being around her 24/7. It's in listening to people, in my life, tell me that I'm not certified to take care of an elderly person.
I don't know why a lot of people are talking about nursing homes as though they were a place for free. Remember, majority of middle class who can not afford going to any nursing home. In New York it will cost more than $120K per year for a nursing home that accepts patients with dementia. Due to various reasons not everybody can get long term care insurance at the time they should.
I needed to run across this video today. After a very negative encounter with my mom last night
regarding taking a shower, I have decided I cannot do this anymore. I love my mom but l am in the midst of a nervous breakdown. It isn’t her fault, but at this point I don’t want her to feel or experience the fallout of my inability to cope with this disease. Prayers for all of you and God have mercy on us all!
Dear sister, I just placed my mother in a board and care after keeping her home with me since the pandemic started over a year ago. I could no longer keep her safe and the physical and emotional stress of caring for a very frail 86-year old with dementia 24/7 just became too much for me. My health has been affected , my marriage has suffered, and I’m struggling. My mother is very aware of what’s happening to her and tells me she feels abandoned. I feel terribly guilty when she begs me to take her home and accuses me of not caring about her,. Yet, I know this is what’s best for both of us. I’m just not capable of continuing as her caregiver and I know she’ll be in better hands with professional care. I was frustrated, angry, guilt-ridden, filled with grief, and despondent every day I cared for her. She felt bossed around, disrespected, and humiliated by our role reversal. I’m hoping now we can be mother and daughter again, and that we can enjoy our time together. I so want that before her disease progresses further. Thank you for your prayers! You posted your comment a year ago, but I was moved to respond and send you my own prayers and good wishes. I needed to run across this video today, too. Blessings.
God bless you and your mom Vicki.
❤️
@@twodonks Eloquent comment and I so hear you. People who have this la-la good old days Waltons conception of life have not cared for anyone with drastic needs.
I take care of a neighbor for 3.5 years now and its getting harder.
Watching your parent deteriorate from dementia is the worst feeling I have ever had, constant anxiety, sadness, guilt, hopelessness...sheer torture. Add Covid to the mix, indescribable.
You all prolly dont give a damn but does anybody know a way to log back into an Instagram account?
I was dumb forgot my login password. I would appreciate any assistance you can give me
@Josue Draven Instablaster :)
@Mauricio Jack Thanks so much for your reply. I got to the site through google and I'm waiting for the hacking stuff now.
Seems to take a while so I will reply here later when my account password hopefully is recovered.
@Mauricio Jack It worked and I now got access to my account again. I am so happy:D
Thank you so much you saved my account!
@Josue Draven glad I could help :)
I wish so badly I could talk to you directly. Mom has been with us for over a year now, and has had Alzheimer’s for about 5 years, according to her neurologist. I am #3. I am in a constant state of anxiety. I put my life on hold for my mom, and my husband and I are both spent mentally, emotionally, and physically. I wake up in the morning with panic. A spot opened up magically for her in a Medicaid funded memory care facility. I feel like the worst daughter ever, but I also feel like the worst wife to my husband and mother to my own child. I have so much guilt. I’m an RN and can separate caring for patients at work from my home life (most of the time). I can’t separate myself from this. Mom is moving in two days and I talked to her about it, but I don’t think she’ll remember. She doesn’t remember much anymore. She kind of just...exists. I feel so terrible over all of this and rationally I know it’s no one’s fault she has Alzheimer’s, but I just can’t help it. I feel like a terrible daughter and I tried so hard, hoping her last days would be in my home. But I just can’t anymore. I’m deteriorating mentally and physically, I almost got fired for having to call out, and I’m just so dang anxious and depressed all the time. Please pray for me and my mom.
What you said goes for me too. It's good you have someone by your side who at least understands what you're going thru although he sounds like he's suffering too.. I'm 65 and living with my 89yo mom
This is a low point of my life and I don't know how much longer I can hold out. My health is not good mental and physical. I've lost all kinds of weight cuz I don't take care of myself. I start therapy this month to talk to a professional about my situation. Stay strong and a day at a time. I will pray/send you good wishes.
missnurse your words are mine exactly. I feel just as guilty and ashamed. My mom moved into a care facility a month ago. I still feel the guilt but especially that this has happened to her. But we are not guilty- we are not at fault. It’s a very sad disease. And we must remember that we are not alone with these challenges and sometimes care centers are the best options. I’ll keep praying for you. May your heart be filled with peace. ♥️
I did this too with my father and mother in law. Please find a confidante or counselor who will help you over come your guilt. It is misplaced. You made this choice for her AND your family. She doesn’t know any more and as long as she sees your cheerful face when you are there, you have done your best.
You are doing the best thing for your mother and your family. This a is very difficult time for all of you. I have been in your situation. I totally understand. Do what is best.
I too am a RN, I too stopped my entire life to care for my Grandfather...I even had to stop working because we have an extremely small family and there was really no one else. I do envy that you have a mate, because I don't. I have one close friend that was there for me emotionally and I thank God for them. I too was an anxiety- ridden mess. I don't think I had a good night's sleep in 4 years. I developed all kinds of psychosomatic symptoms and I'm in my 40s so....surprise, surprise... thus whole mess coincided with perimenopause hot flashes (or hot hours!), irregular periods, bad headaches, and for me weight GAIN!! Many people when stressed out LOSE weight. Oh no...not me 🙄 I had adrenal fatigue and what my Doctor called a thyroid storm that seriously put 20 lbs on me in less than a month - and I'm only 5' tall. 20 lbs is a ton on my little frame. I had back issues, and the worst was I had tingling and burning paresthesia symptoms all through my legs and feet for a year! I'm not kidding- a whole year. I thought I had freaking MS or something. I was terrified and sad and stressed beyond my limits.
FINALLY, I had to admit I could no longer do it and I had to move him into a memory care facility. I was still feeling worried and guilty and constantly jumping if my phone rang. If I slept, I'd wake up panicked wondering if I'd missed a phone call, or if he was ok, etc... it can develop into a full blown anxiety disorder.
I could go on and on but... he passed away a couple years ago now and I STILL wake up on occasion wondering what I may need to do for him!!! Ugh!!! Obviously within a few seconds I realize he's gone and it's over but it stays with you. I loved my Grandfather as much as my own parents. They lived across the street while I was growing up and I was over there almost every day. After my parents divorce, my Grandfather became my rock. He was the most stable person in my life so there wasn't even a question when he needed me after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's related dementia that I would now be HIS rock and his steady support.
I read a meme that said something like caring for someone with Alzheimer's is like the longest, scariest roller coaster through hell blindfolded (because you never know what's coming next) and that is 100% true. It's disgusting that we all focus more money and attention on celebrities and gay rights and illegal immigrants and every other asinine cause and don't focus on curing this disease. It is long and difficult and excruciatingly painful and no one deserves this.
I will send up a prayer for you and your family ❤
My grandfather was driving my parents into early graves by being up at night turning on lights and making all kinds of noise, dragging them out of bed and so on. It was killing them not to get sleep. They were weak and grey faced and had to go to work every morning. Sometimes someone has to go to nursing home to save rest of family, though no one wants to come right out and say it.
Diane Greene my precious mother made us promise that when she could no longer live alone that we’d put her in a nursing home. She said this before she had Alzheimer’s. She always said that too often the caregiver dies before the patient and she never wanted that. What a gift she gave us. She’d worked with nursing homes for 17 years, helping people place their loved ones there.
@@cubbylevi1764 (hugs)
That person will be you one day, then. You'll be the one separating for their own good, suffering in the last few moments of lucidity you have left. Alone, in a sterile environment, cut off from regular contact with those closest to you. Just keep that in mind.
@@jacobp.2024 Jacob, have you ever had to care for someone with severe dementia? Don't pass judgment.
@@jacobp.2024 --- It is impossible to know what is in the awareness of a patient with dementia. When my brother in law had it, he was not the man we knew. During his final weeks, he seemed to be elsewhere, in another reality. The last week, he became lucid enough to remember his wife, and was his 'old' self. We knew he was going to depart soon. He passed peacefully February 2nd, 2021. He was not alone, but had family next to him in his own home.
I work in a assisted living care home and I'm so glad I watched these videos, because now I can see it from the families perspective, and fully understand how they feel and be more compassionate about the difficult decision they've had to make when putting their loved one in a care home thank you.
Putting our Mom in the nursing home was probably the most painful decision we had to make.We tried to keep her as independent as possible but her physical and mental health began to decline quickly.She is also a very stubborn woman.
We bought her a "First Alert Button"(she yelled at us and refused to wear it), She was hiding her medications and not taking them. We bought her "Meals on Wheels" (she cancelled it soon after ) and we were going to pay a woman to help clean Mom's apartment 2 times a month and also sit with her or do small errands...Mom made a big stink about that as well. A week after she cancelled everything ...she fell and fractured her spine((she has bad osteoporosis) and that is when we said she can't be alone....Mom was able to stay independent for 92 ears and that is good,,but she loves her new home and friends now,,,wasn't easy,
I’m glad you ran across it too. It would be helpful if all who are employed to take care of the elderly got this insight ahead of time. Im sure you see some families who struggles more and some who don’t struggle as
Much with these decisions. But I’m betting most families are having their hearts ripped out doing this. Im the only child left and have promised my mom her whole life I won’t put her in a home, that I’d stay w her fulltime before that happens. That part is coming soon. Due to her vision challenges, it will be best for her to be there as long as possible rather than my house. Thankfully she is only 20 minutes away. But I’m definitely living two lives. Thankfully my husband, daughter, and grandkids are supportive and understand. We take it one day at a time. I’m thankful she’s still here for me to care for. But I sure hate this awful disease.
Thank you for one of the most difficult jobs, we who have had to make the gut wrenching decision to place a loved one in a facility are praying for people to care for our loved ones like they would want their loved ones cared for- I know that y’all are unsung heroes, and if you don’t know- we are so so thankful for you all- God Bless you ♥️
My no no no😅
Very helpful. Thank you!
I work as a home health aide. My own mother is harder to deal with emotionally than any client that I have cared for in the past 8 years. I would like to put her in an assisted living but she flat out refuses. She does not think that she has dementia. She says Im paranoid and she is going to take me to court. Her doctor told her she has dementia and needs 24/7 care. She wants to switch doctors now. She threatened to call the police when I took her car because she is not safe to drive if she needs 24/7 care. I am stressed to the max. She is addicted to alcohol and opiods on top of the dementia. Please pray for us.
I can completely relate. My mother lives with us and I'm her caregiver and she has paranoia and hallucinations. Her doctor has diagnosed her with Alzheimer's, but she doesn't believe it either. It' all of us who are crazy. She had made our lives miserable, affecting my marriage and my sanity. Luckily, she gave up her car and driving, but that just means I have to drive her everywhere and at her whim. She has threatened to leave and won't tell us where she'd go.
@@Dee-r1c I'm so sorry about your mom. If you need listening ear, we can chat.
My mother couldn’t come to terms with need for assisted living
She was terrible to deal with
She passed and I am so relieved for her in a better place and for me for obvious reasons
Only another careblazer might understand. I will pray for you all
@courtneyritter1285 I have mixed emotions about my mom. I will miss her when she is gone but she is very hard to deal with at times. She is getting easier as her disease progresses though.
@@Dee-r1c This is my mother in law. I started watching these videos a few weeks ago. The family members have watched her memory deteriorate over the years. It has reached a point where the family is now divided due to her accusations from paranoia. She says shes perfectly fine and knows exactly whats going on. Obviously, she doesnt. There is just no reasoning with her anymore and thru these videos I'm learning how to work with her. I'm sure the car is coming next. We do have a tracker on her cell phone, just in case!
I needed to hear this today.. I have been contemplating putting my husband in a home.. I have had tremendous guilt but my health is suffering .. I have anger and anxiety I have never had.. I am becoming bitter and headaches are an everyday occurrence .. thanks Dr. Natalie you always know the right ways to say things that cause me to rethink my ability to handle this stuff..
Same with me...Always between feeling terrible guilt, but knowing I can't make it alone anymore... It's so hard.
🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰😇😇😇😇😇😇
My husband spent all our life saving, and got us in debt, before I figured out it was dementia and my health is bad, ect… but nursing homes are so expensive! Have to be rich, or my sister said get a divorce so his money is separate. Still has to be two ys. I think. This isn’t because I don’t love him. I’d still take care, till death do we part, but sometimes I think I’ll go first from all the work and stress. Anyone else heard of this as a solution to avoiding financial debt? Godspeed to everyone. This is a nightmare we have to make the best of. Hopefully there are some good moments in between. ❤
My husband passed away January 22nd 2023. Hardest day of my life. I put him in a home after several falls. He passed away 11 days after, I believe he just knew it was his time. It was bitter sweet. I miss him but given the opportunity I would choose to it again . Thank you Natali for your wisdom
@@stacieboucher1570
I am at that place , like you. My own health is now declining, but I don’t we can afford to place my hubby in a care facility all the things affecting him. He is nearly total care. It is getting worse daily… what to do, what to do….
My dad needed a care center when he was up all night and he started to push my mom. He was not cooperative and she couldn't handle him anymore. He would get stuck in a loop, repeating the same actions over and over. We were blessed to have him placed in a special wing for Alzheimer''s with caring staff. He enjoyed being around the other people.We were extra blessed in that his sister moved in a short time later. They spent a lot of time together. He died 6 months later and the staff were so kind to him during those last difficult days.
What if the caregiver has vascular dementia herself?!!! And chronic kidney disease and major Depressive Disorder? Thank you for your advice.
My Grandmother went round the bend, my aunt was going crazy trying, and the doctor said "I am not releasing your mother back to you." Our whole family was relieved. Yay for that smart doctor!
The doctor has done this with my mother in the last week, and I know it's best for my father since he won't admit he can't take proper care of her. The issue we're having is that because of covid and that mom hasn't been vaccinated, they are quarentining her for the next 15 days and they won't allow any visitors, including dad. We aren't sure she will make it that long. They've been married for over 60 years and he doesn't think anyone else can take care of her or that she'll remember who he is if she does make it. If they would just let him visit I think he could except that it's best for her and for him. He has his own medical issues that he's been ignoring to take care of her.
@@saprenna oh my 🙏
@@saprenna why the quarantine???? What state are you in? I'm in California,, and June 15 we were set free.
If she is a negative COVID blood test, why quarantine????
You can demand to take her and tell them she will stay with us .
@@saprenna this makes me so so sad ..... I got cancer and 3 surgeries and they never tested me once or even told me to get a vaccine???
It was from Jan 2020 to present.....
If she has dementia thats is going to make her so so much worse don't let them.
@@harrycontos3847 I'm in Indiana. Adult protective services have been involved now, so, according to what we've been told, if dad, who has power of attorney, takes her out without their ok they can legally take custody of her and put her back in the home. The hospital didn't require vaccination but the nursing home does.
Thanks Dr. Natali. I have been pouring over your prior videos to find exactly this subject. After caring for my husband at home for almost 6 years with diagnosed dementia (MCI & AD), I am running out of steam. From bathing issues, bowel problems, our loss of friendships, loss of sleep, my own stress levels, I am now actively searching for a memory care facility. The cost is outrageous which is causing me more stress. Thanks for all you do and I will continue to watch and listen to your sage advice.
I looked after my husband for several years and it was difficult but in the U.K. you did get help at the time I had someone to take him out for a couple of hours a week, people would sit with him while I went shopping, someone also came in daily for 2 x 30 minutes for washing and other requirements daily, it was very difficult but the government help was vital I would not have coped otherwise. He was weak and had other conditions, he was 3 weeks in nursing care for things I couldn’t do and died. A charity paid for me to go on holiday that felt so good.
Stress and frustration is part of caregiving, and certainly can be overwhelming. Caring for my wife for over four years now with moderately advanced Alzheimer’s, I know that it sometimes seems unbearable. We have the issues you describe as number 2 & 3. I have said “never” to a nursing home but have come to understand what you say. Even with outside help the stress is there and the guilt of considering a nursing home continues. Your body under stress talks to you, e.g., my blood pressure and blood sugar levels have become abnormal due to stress. What gives me strength and purpose other than my love for my wife is considering my caregiving as a “mission,” ordained by God. Yes we suffer, but no one more than he hanging from the cross. Knowing this, I also know that I am pleasing God, and it is he from whom I gain my strength and stamina. Prayers can be answered, as I know from being miraculously healed of advanced Stage 4 metastatic melanoma. This happened a year after my wife’s diagnosis after I was put on Hospice to die when “nothing else can be done.” Keep the faith, for hope does indeed spring eternal. It can indeed give you strength, and you might even get a
miracle.
Amen brother, I pray the Lord’s will be done in you and your wife’s lives. I love you both and hope to see you one day in the kingdom of heaven. You are doing an honorable and loving thing to care for your wife.
Giving this mythical figure “god” all the credit is beyond insane, so your taking care of your wife to get into heaven? I doubt that, you love her, and you can’t live with yourself if you give up, god doesn’t exist, I’d he did, he did this to your wife, he does know everything and when they happen, you could say he’s “challenging you” or whatever you want tell yourself whatever you need to make yourself feel better I know it’s insanely difficult to deal with this disease I live with an old man with dementia at 88, and man do I feel for him and his daughter(caregiver), anyway give yourself more credit man and I sincerely hope you and your wife the best.
How sweet you are! Your testimony made me cry with empathy and joy for your faithfulness to God and care for your wife even when you were suffering with cancer. May God’s grace and help follow you and give you peace especially in the struggle!
Blessings to you and your miracle. Your love for your wife is obvious.
@@ronthorn3 I am a Christian in the UK and am caring for my mother who is 93 and has mixed dementia. I have no family members living nearby and receive little support from friends, although my brother visits every two months now that he's retired. My cousin admires me for what I'm doing and knows I am stressed. He keeps telling me to think of myself and get her into care, but as a Christian I feel I have to put my mother's needs before my own. Christians don't do this in order to get to heaven, but because they want to serve God out of gratitude for the salvation they already have, which is not earned by good works but freely given to them by Jesus Christ who paid the price on the cross. That said, if I feel that my mother can be better cared for in a facility I will try to find a place for her.
Thank you for your professional advise. I tried taking care of my husband for about 3 years. Once dementia got worse and he couldn’t control bathroom issues, I became exhausted. It was 24/7 and I got no sleep, except cat naps when he fell asleep. He was falling and one morning had fallen in the cold garage in February at 5:00. When I found him we took him to the hospital. Had cracked his knee cap and disoriented. Decision was to put him in nursing hime. I still deal with guilt. But it’s so affirming to hear this video. Makes me realize I am doing the right thing. Advice for others. Get an elder attorney to help you with financial affairs. It kept me from losing everything.
Some good points. I've been through this with my grandfather and now my father. The one thing I want to add here is this, if you or a loved one are starting to think about your care please don't wait! Start planning as early as you can. Don't wait until you are so overwhelmed. I know it can be a very emotional thing but plan ahead as best as you can. God Bless.
Absoultely! SUCH a great reminder!!! Thank you for sharing.
@@DementiaCareblazers --- Please direct us to planning systems or criteria.
I want to plan for myself, because I am a divorced single woman who will soon be living alone.
I want to plan before I need it, so my adult children know what to do.
I greatly appreciate your answers to my questions I have a father with Lewy body Dimentia and recently I went for a visit. The caregiver left for a couple hours taking advantage of me being there. I fell asleep and about 20 minutes later my dad was yelling “Help me” so I went downstairs and he had fallen down on the hardwood floor. He kept saying he had to go to the bathroom. I called 911 and they came and picked him up. He didn’t get hurt. The ambulance left and I followed my dad to the restroom I peeked in the bathroom and there was poop everywhere. His diaper was loaded and I had to get him clean clothes twice. So we went to the living room and slept on the couches. There is so much more to this story. I decided right then and there that I would put him in a nursing home. But I don’t have a car so I’m stuck.
Levy body demintia
Arrange for taxi or private ambulance.
My husband just died after seven months in a nursing home. He received help at home until I was not able to keep up with his needs, even with help coming in several times a day. Thank you for this ongoing source of information. It has validated me often over the past two years. I often referred to you for information when I was unsure of myself. I always felt better dealing with difficult behaviours when I could find the information I needed on this channel. Thank you so much for your practical examples, your wisdom and your knowledge. You helped me deal with so many stressful situations.
I cared for my husband for 8-10 years. Then he had a stroke. I brought him home and tried to continue the care, but I physically couldn't do it. He didn't sleep, was incontinent, pushed away hired caregivers, and was aggressive. Wanted me 24/7. He loved and trusted me. 18 month now after his death, I still have guilt about those last 100 days, but I know I tried my hardest.
Do not feel any guilt! You did your absolute best for your husband. You deserve to let it go and to be kind to yourself now. You sould spend time for yourself now. I am sure that you'd husband would want that for you.
Thanks to the person who responded positively to my comment.
Your love of your husband carried thru those last 100 days. In some way, despite dementia, he knew you loved and cared for him. Love is all that lasts.
I'm living it still...we can only do our best...2003 traumatic brain injury..there were days I didn't have time or energy to bathe myself..from the moment I woke up to resting it was fulling his nonstop needs..with the caregivers he always threw them out worse they wouldn't want to come back I finally realized I couldn't continue...it was and is still is the best for us both...it come at a emotional cost I know it's the right thing to do for both of us..you did the right time..sending much encouragement
The survivor guilt is heartbreaking. The loved one can't say thank you, doesn't even know there is anything to thank you for. I hope everyone has resources to guide them.
It’s been 10 years ago since, I took care of my father. I wish your videos were available, back then. He had to go to a nursing home, after my mother collapsed. She and I just couldn’t do it any longer. One of the most difficult, decisions me ever had to make.
Thank you so much for this confirmation of information. I have been taking care of both of my parents for almost 3 years now. My Dad is 89 with diabetes, a colostomy bag on tummy, he is legally blind and hard of hearing, but his mind is sharp! My beautiful Mom is 86 and has about stage 5 dementia. I figured out the stage by watching your video on the 7 stages and the 3 overall stages.
I was totally unaware of reason number 2! Her neurologist nor her primary care physician has mentioned anything about losing control of bowels, although I am beginning to experience this.
I am completely worn out and we ( all three) stay in bed until 11 am, each morning. I just don’t really want to start the day… always so much to do! And I have already lost much by way of relationships. But I love my parents and feel awful when I rest after getting them settled for the night. I have been thinking about a respite for a month for my Mom so I only have my Dad for awhile. But he says, “Geez, I hate to put her there even for a little while. She is cognitive enough to tell me no she will not go! I have high locks 🔒 on all doors leading out of the house, I have taken the stove dials off of the gas stove, etc.. she wanders mostly at night! Raiding the fridge or taking everything out and in morning I find things defrosting. I’m very tired, discouraged and do feel as if I’m failing a little because my attitude isn’t the same as when I first took on this task. I left the corporate office job for the more important and necessary job of caregiver and, I’m concerned about all three of us.
We do have nurses who come every day and help with medications and checking vitals, but……. Oh and my Mom falls a lot! Dad although aware can’t help and so he is depressed…. Thanks for listening and doing what you do.
How are you doing? Your comment made me feel rested knowing there is someone like me having a very difficult time. I am taking care of both my parents too. I also left my job to take care and the pandemic is making things worse. Your situation is a lot tougher than mine. My mom is 89 and has dementia but she can almost have a regular conversation. My dad is 86 and recently became very frail and my work load jumped to 3 times. Now I am no longer able to function and today I am taking my dad to a nursing/rehabilitation facility. I used to have a good career. My life is on hold and I found something new about myself that I don't like at all while taking care of them. Marcia, please take good care of Marcia. Lots of love from Tokyo. Let's hang in there but not feel guilty.
@Marcia Peters... That is a heavy load to carry. Maybe you're Dad would consider it for her if you could find a place to take both of them and keep them together. I think you have to be honest with him about your own feelings of inadequacy at this point. I needed antidepressants and had panic attacks at this point with my Dad. There was nothing more I could do for him but I'm glad I got the medication and counseling to handle anxiety. Prayers for you.
Wow yr dad is a real azzhole
My dad's just been taken into a nursing home here in the UK and I can't tell you how much guilt and relief I've had, all at the same time. I'm now so depressed and worn out that I can't see an end to the feeling at the moment, but I know I'l get there. My dad was a narcissistic and also got aggressive towards me, although we have never had a good relationship. However, I did the dutiful daughter thing and looked after him to the best of my ability. His home will be sold to pay for his care once lockdown is over.
I am relating to your situation. We are at the point of getting help for my Dad. God Bless you ❤️
Tamara Winstone My father, too, is a classic Narcissist, and while my mother is still alive, she is codependent and increasingly entering into his worldview. The children of Narcissistic parents have already spent much of their lives catering to, worrying about, prioritizing and “managing” the Narcissist, so when the parent’s age-related needs increase, we find ourselves already depleted in our energy for further caregiving. Be kind to yourself and understand that what is already a terribly hard situation-a loved one in decline-is only intensified by the addition of a personality disorder to the mix! Sending all good thoughts your way.
@@celenorma best of luck to you. It's very difficult, but at least we're not alone. God Bless you, too x
@@MindiB thank you so much. I'm allowed to visit my dad now, as his nursing home is opening up to visitors for half an hour once a week. The drive is an hour each way and I'm prepared that I could drive all that way just for him to abuse me, but I can't not ever see him again. Even though all my family and friends say I've done enough. I really appreciate your advice and I will put myself first and only go when and if I'm ready. Thank you x
Hey, just thought I'd comment my story. My dad is in a nursing home for just under a year now, you're absolutely right the guilt is horrible. I get to see him less often as I want (covid19) but he's doing much better than he was at home. He was constantly agitated which led to outrageous bouts of anger, he attacked me with a bat. But after we made a family decision we found a fantastic place that specifically look after dementia. It's always gonna be hard, but the care he's getting there helps everyone's quality of life. If you need a proper chat to get your head straight feel free to private message me. Peace and love.
Thank you for this wonderful channel and all of the compassionate guidance. It is important to recognize most people do not have resources to pay for care either at home or in a nursing home until they spend down to poverty level - this is a huge issue, and causes much family stress because ong term care (custodial care) is not covered in this country. The majority of long term care is provided by unpaid family (oftentimes women) and friends - 80% is a recent figure - and with the burgeoning of Alzheimer's diagnosis it will only become a more severe problem. In summary, the cost of caregiving, both financially and in terms of caregiver stress is exponential.
The fact that you articulated exactly what I've been dealing with is more than helpful. The last scenario really hit home because I've literally found myself neglecting myself and others. Oftentimes the neglect stems from the small moments of peace and I don't want to spend those small moments doing anything else but be by myself. Lately I find little joy in anything because I'm constantly worrying about whether or not my mom is having a good day or not and I'm always riddled with guilt if I happen to experience any amount of joy. This is an experience like no other because my mom is trapped in misery.
I know what you mean about feeling guilty for being happy. I get really upset about my mother as I can't imagine what it's like to be so confused and to have to ask the same questions over and over. However, my Mum seems reasonably happy in herself most of the time, which is a blessing, so I hold on to that and try not to take on her pain. There are times when she cries because she's so muddled and it breaks my heart.
Im in the same place.
🙏same for me , it's good to know I'm not alone
This is so informative. My husband, 66, was diagnosed with early onset of dementia a couple of years ago. Add to this is a bipolar disorder. He also has underlying medical problems. His family turns a blind eye since he gets care at the VA. The emotional toll on me is almost insurmountable, but I'm not done yet. My doctor gave me info on support groups for dementia situations.
You were very lucky the doctor gave you something to work with!
One important factor these videos miss. That factor is MONEY.
Why your comment is very valid, she is talking ethical, best practices and different levels of need. I suggest as soon as this diagnosis first comes up the family needs to be talking to a lawyer. And find out the rules and restrictions of Medicare and Medicaid. Varies by state and insurance.
The problem is we’re living too long. Until medical breakthrough to adequately treat mental degradation, we create hell for the elderly and any caregivers and family.
@@dharmabeachbum Another way of looking at the problem is that we don't yet have an understanding on how to combat these issues.
This is not a problem in Canada. All long-term care facilities are public and fully subsidized if someone has no pensions.
@@canadiangirrrrl The problem is the heartache. We private pay through the spend down and go on Medicaid.
I have a small care home for 25 years and I must say I am so glad I found your channel. We will be sharing this along with your other content at our monthly staff training
My brother is the caregiver, and I help out, but my 91ys old dementia sufferer mother lives with him, and I have finally convinced him to take mother to a special care home for a couple of months. He hasn't been able to sleep properly for years, and she is not able to get up from her bed. It's a terrible situation, but I'm actually very happy about this solution for both of them. My mum will get extra wonderful professional care, and my brother will be able to rest and take care of his health. I think dementia/Alzheimer are the saddest saddest thing, but the people that take care of loved ones with dementia risk serious illness as well, and I'll hold all of you and us in my prayers, because it's soooo traumatic. Please know that you have done so much, and it is necessary to share a burden that can very easily crush you. I teach stress management, and I recognize all the signs of prolonged stress in all of you. Please remember to care for yourselves as well. I reach out with love to all of you... In a sense we are all related in the sad nightmare of our loved ones changing, and not being themselves anymore... We're a family and we can all pray for each other. This youtube channel is a godsent
Your kind words mean so much to me. More than 15 years of caregiving. Caring for elder # 4. I have pneumonia now from prolonged stress. Ready to let a care home take over. I can't continue in this situation as it is. Prayers to all caregivers who are suffering.
Recently, placed my husband in a nursing facility. He has adjusted and "endured" during these Covid-19 pandemic times. It has provided me with relief as the caregiver. I'm grateful to hear your three reasons why your loved one might need a nursing home. #3 is my reason why with #1 running a close second. Thank you for your information to better understand this disease. 💝
Thanks for your comment.
These videos have helped me tons! My sister has MS. Recently she developed dementia type symptoms. I couldn't keep her safe anymore. She is now in a nursing home. I watch and rewatch these videos to keep my feelings of guilt at a small roar. My 75 year old mother, who also lives with me, has vascular dementia . She was diagnosed in 2014. It is scarey how fast she is going! I am able to understand what is going on with her and how work with her, because of your videos. Thank you for posting these! They have been a real live saver!
Sending hugs, my 86 year old mom has MS too and just this year, dementia.
Teepa Snow says that the stress of being a caregiver for a person with dementia actually goes on to *raise our risk* of eventual dementia. Self-care is super important, guys! She said it’s better for us to let the nursing home do their care and for us to see them with really positive visits, VS our loved ones seeing us stressed, emotional and going crazy, which *ups* their stress level.
Teepa is so wise...
It really is all a balancing act, I agree. But remember that self-care is possible while being a caregiver. My Mom hated babysitters and it was super hard for her to let someone else care for me when I was little--even though it meant she and my dad never got to go out together anymore. Finally she relented a bit. Similarly, it's so important to make time for oneself and get help as the loved one's health deteriorates. Even if you are not ready to put them in a facility, even if you never are, there are always options. The hard part is not letting yourself get isolated and to do the research and outreach to find that help, especially if you're low income.
So true
Teepa is awesome at what she does.
My MIL cared for her mother with dementia and shortly after her death, she started showing signs of dementia. She is now in advanced stages and lives with us.
my mom is a wanderer, I add locks at the doors and she managed to destroy every single lock we set...I asked my older brother to put a double lock at the doors and this one works so far...I keep the house safe for her by keeping everything inside the cabinet, I changed the furnitures that's easy to clean,anything that requires electricity was placed beyond her reach, everything was secured to the walls. My stepfather stays with her all the time...we tried to keep her safe, however she's so good at escaping, always waiting for that perfect opportunity when my uncle's(stepfather)dozing off, God blessed our neighbors who always help us either find her or intercept her escape plan..we accepted that this will be our normal life, our family, neighbors and friends should know and understand our situation...I told my stepfather that whatever he hears from other people just keep the ones that can help us and smile at opinions that those people do not understand how to care for someone with dementia/alzheimers...give them the benefit that they have no idea how to live with a love one with dementia/alzheimers and no one will wish them to experience that...
1. They wander outside, or can't detect dangerous situations, or don't know what to do in an emergency. 2. They start to lose control over their bowels and are afraid of the shower. 3. Excessive caregiver stress (your loved one may need a higher level of care than you can provide).
My gramma already does all three and grandpa won’t put her in a home and I’m tired of being the caregiver when no one else will do it. I used to love to take care of my gramma until it got to these three stages. I feel like I gotta give up and find a way to get my grandpa to understand we can’t do this anymore
@@Angie_bae 💔 I as well tried to care for my grandma loved her to death but I couldn’t do it
@@Angie_bae I’m a 69 year old man, I came home 21 years ago to take care of my, now 95 yr old, mom. The last 7 or 8 years have been pure hell. I’m seeing all 3 of these symptoms, just put mom into a nursing home. She is resistant and hostile, the mental trauma I experience is off the charts! I have no option, thank God my sister is helping with the business end of this. She lives in another city, and can’t be here all the time. This has been 1 of the worst experiences of my life. It’s a horrible place to be in life.
@@Angie_bae Until you reach a more sophisticated solution, here is what I have done and am satisfied with. 1. I bought a few 45$ wireless webcams off Amazon and put them around the house. Just plug em in, scan the QR code into your phone (there's an app you download) and they set themselves up, so easy. I can check on my husband not only from any other room in the home, or out in the yard, but even from many miles away via wireless. Now, he isn't a wanderer anyway. He's a homebody, always was, almost agoraphobic. But being able to see how he is, what he's doing etc. while I am at the grocery store or gym or whatever, is priceless. Oh, we also text back and forth every day to keep him able to do that as long as possible. We even text each other while we're both home. Also, where he tends to sit all day, I have a notepad in front of him with some basic info on it, like when to call 911, the names of all his meds etc. I know he'll get beyond the point where that helps but it's good for now.
2. He began having bowel problems years and years ago. Runs in the family, his adult daughter has #2 issues as well. And after chemo he got much worse. Solution? Depends undies. We change them same time every day, in the AM and PM, easy peasy, takes one minute. Routine is so good for people with memory issues! I have a mattress protector (full fitted) which goes under the sheets, and also use completely leakproof pads which lay on top of the sheets and are only $20 from Amazon--I have five or six on hand and rotate them. Also--his problem was rooted in constipation, simply not doing #2 often enough, so I got him on a glass of Miralax daily and a good diet with more fluid intake and enough fiber, and the problem has been greatly minimized. Hardly any real accidents anymore, just minor leakage which the Depends easily manage. Never give an old person with bowel problems Indian food, or whatever the equivalent is for them! Keep it simple, tasty, easy to digest.
He would fear the shower as he's quite infirm, BUT I bought a terrific shower chair which I actually use too now because it's so relaxing, lol. It's especially good if you have a small bathroom and/or a vintage tub--it fits great in such places, which many standard shower chairs don't--they're too big and not stable enough. It's by Moen and accept no substitutes. All the other ones were junk. This one is at once more streamlined, more stable and more comfortable. Half the legs are inside the tub and half are outside--that's key to the stability. Now my husband is fine with showers. You don't even have to stand to get in or out of the tub using this chair. You just sit down and then swing your legs in or out.
3. I am lucky in terms of our situation. My husband's super trusting and loving. He's just so so so happy to stay at home and does not want to do anything to mess that up. Also I am retired too so no worries about a job's demands or kids to care for. Our home's not the best for a disabled person but at least it's all one level. It's still stressful and heartbreaking, but I give him little tasks that he CAN do to help me; that makes him feel better too. I have friends over for lunch or supper often to avoid getting too lonely (or zoom/facetime/what's app voice messages--I hate this stupid pandemic! My friends and I meet up for walks, too.) Husband and I take walks together, and go for drives or to get takeout meals when we are bored--getting out of the house really helps. So do meditation, therapy, yoga and exercise and I recommend them all heartily! I also make a lot of lists and try not to sweat the small stuff. Hope some/any of this info helps!
@@workingguy84 You did the right thing.
Just placed my mom in a home. Really glad that I found this series. It has given me some valuable insight and very valuable tips on how to talk with her.
This was very helpful and made me feel better about my decision to put my mom in a home. My caregiver brother is amazing but after almost 5 years he is burned out. Despite my promise to my mom, I have had to re-evaluate the situation. Mom was very active in every way until age 87. She would be the last one to want to burden her children. I had to weigh her health and my brother's too.
It made the decision easier.
Thanks again.
thank u so much for the info, I'm care blazers and I'm definitely on reason number 3, I'd been trying to find a place for mom but theyr extremely expensive, minimum 3500 a month and that do not included if they have to give her meds!!!
A sad reality is when someone cannot afford a nursing home care or private provider.
I would like to keep my loved one home, hopefully, I will be able to hire outside help when necessary.
Tell me about it. My dad does not have dementia, but requires help that I am not able to provide. We had to place him in an assisted living facility where I was tricked into becoming the guarantor on his account. We are trying to move him to a different facility now so I can pay off the debt owed to the current one, but it's like being trapped between a rock and hard place.
Joyce Hart u
financially I cannot sustain placing my mother in a nursing home, that can give her a better care if necessary, I believe that in some cases family of someone with dementia/alzheimers may need this kind of help from a nursing home...I am so indebted to my mother's gynecologist who happens to be our sort of a neighbor( a lot of blocks away from our house)...she provides me and my stepfather a good counselling on how to care for ourselves and for my mother...When family members were convincing me to take my mother to a facility that can help her, I know they have the best intention for us and for my mother, my first reaction was can I abandon my mother like that?, I cried so hard just thinking about it, rationalizing the situation It was an option for her to get help...but sustaining that financially in long term I know I can not do it. I am just so thankful that our family, neighbors and friends do understand our situation and that we are carers of a love ones with dementia/Alzheimers...
@@MacHippy-qk4pr thank you for your concern. It helps me a lot to write how I feel on videos like this, it is somehow an emotional outlet for me. I also learn a lot from the comments and the videos as well.
Thank you for this video. I’m going through nearly all of these. I know Dad is safer in assisted living, though I often feel like I have no life of my own, I know him living with me would be damaging to us both.
You really had helped me understand these situations I'm going through,I'm realizing I have to calm down a little(stress is really taking over me) I'm taking a day at a time
le Nora.. ,take care of yourself, I hope and pray you have family members who will help you in your situation now..always talk to someone. keep your connections with your friends.
I'm in the same stage myself. I'm having to learn how to see things differently in myself.
Thank you for saying we are not horrible people. I keep telling myself that it is the safest place for my husband, he’s a fall risk, on top of other issues that would be difficult to take care of in the house.
Thank you, thank you, for addressing stress of a care giver. How we do have kids and other things to do. Pulled in two directions.
You are so welcome! Caregiving is difficult and there are often not easy answers to the problems faced by caregivers. What is the right choice for one caregiver may not be the right choice for another. I am glad you found some comfort from this video.
Thank you for saying each family is different. Some families have greater or fewer resources or financial assets, to use, for keeping someone at home. Some may have health benefits that can enable them to hire a private home care RN, or Health Care Aides, for 24 hr care, whereas some do not.
Dear Dr Natalie;
ever since I found your channel I have had a lot more confidence and knowledge in the way I take care of my mother. she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 10 yrs ago. she has been living with me, the past 5 yrs. in January she left the house while my husband and I were sleeping. Thank God for good neighbors,( they all know her) so we got a call at 6:00 AM when one of our neighbors found her in his back yard wondering. since we installed a security system with cameras and changed all the locks. However, as her condition progresses it has also put tremendous strain in my marriage, so next month I will be moving her to a facility and try to salvage what is left of my self and my life. Thank you for letting me know that I am not a horrible person and that it is ok, to make that decision!
Thank you! My sister and I are in that very process caring for our mother. You have confirmed a lot of my thoughts. .thank you again!!
Hits home even two years after you posted
The nursing home my mom was in for nearly 3 yrs almost killed my mom during lockdown last year! Thank God my sister and I both are nurses she’s retired due to her own health issues but doing quite well and she and I share the responsibility of taking care of my mom I have my mom every weekend my sister has her through the week because she’s at home. We have her on hospice and we have a Home health aide that gives her about three times a week and nurse that sees her a couple times a week. She doesn’t have wandering issues or anything like that she broke her leg at the nursing home so she’s pretty much wheelchair-bound she can bear weight and she can stand up so we can change her and she’s a little she’s not heavy so she’s no big problem and moving around and putting in bed. I feel so much better now that we are taking care of her she’s eating better she loves being with us. There was just too much of a change over in that nursing home during the lockdown and during Covid. We’ve had her since February . I moved back to a town that I never thought I would move to just so that I could help take care of her got another job in an area of nursing that I’ve never worked in that offered weekends I have to work five days a week but my hours are shorter so I’m not as tired. This decision I ever made my sister and I are closer than we’ve ever been. We enjoy our 87 yr old mother.
This is wonderful!!! You’re a great example! btw Jesus Christ loves you, he is real. We must all repent and follow him if we want to go to heaven. I hope you believe and that I’ll meet you, such a dedicated person, in heaven one day.
You are professionally trained with company for yourself and mom. And outside help. You wrote eloquently, and I am happy for your circumstances. Most of these other caregivers seem to have minimal help, or none. And they are beyond exhausted. Each city or town has different social services. Or senior volunteers.
I was lucky enough to find a nursing home for my mom today. We live in Pennsylvania. Mom is a retired school teacher, and retired minister. Mom has a Master Degree in Special education. All that beautiful knowledge and training, gone like dust in the wind! Mom came to live with me and my family three yrs ago after the death of my father. We too gave it our best... mom does not have a lot of money, she is on the "waiver program" Medicaid. And after being turned down by many many nursing facilities, because of lack of funds, we finally found a place for mom. Is it the best place, time will tell. However, I really enjoyed this video, for my heart is truly breaking for my mother. And lord knows, we gave it our all. Yes, mom deserves a level of care that we simply can not give. She has displayed all of the signs mentioned above. If you can not find a nursing home, check your loved one in the nearest emergency room. Tell them you can no longer offer the care and support your loved one desperately needs. And hopefully, their case management staff will take it from there. Be Blessed Care Givers!!
So recognisable. Safety concerns: My dementing dad lived by himself in his own house for quite some time but yes: my dad went wandering at night. Sometimes taken home by complete strangers. My sister would be phoned in the middle of the night because her number was on a sticker on his walking stick. Loss of bowel control: yes. The evidence was all over. Lots of washing, bed cleaning, carpet cleaning etc. Extreme care giver stress: Yes my sister (who was the main carer, together with regular prof carers) was close to breakdown. He went into a nursing home (he didn’t want to but was tricked into it). He lasted another half year. Bless his soul.
This hits home to me. My Mom is doing all of this. She is in stage 5th Dementia. My daughter is grown with her own family, I was widowed at 43 and my mom told me at that time 10 years ago to come live with her. It has been wonderful, but my health is not the best and I find myself frustrated and it doesn't help that she is unable to control her bowels, both number and number 2. She has so many health issues, my cousins and aunts and uncles have gone through this before and know it is time. I just need to know it is ok to accept the help. Thank you. This video sealed the decision. Memory Care it is. God bless you!
Had a terrible scene this morning with my mother. I'm at the point where I know she should be somewhere getting care. Your videos this morning have eased my guilt about this. Your information and suggestions are "right on". She has been in our home for 6 1/2 years and the last two have been difficult . She has done so much for our family but her uncontrollable outbursts are getting frustrating. My aunt , who she was close to, passed away in January so she seems to have a death obsession every time some small thing happens. She is my 24/7 because my brother can't come as often as he used to. I'm sad, I cry and I don't think I can do this much longer. Thank you SO MUCH for your videos . I can go on for today
Thank you for that interesting information. I can relate to everything you talked about as I was sole carer for my mother until I found that I could no longer keep her safe, as she needed 24/7 supervision. In one rare moment of clarity she said "I would like to go to one of those places where old people go to be looked after". Fortunately she was able to go into a care home, and although she hated it at first (kept trying to get out), as the condition progressed she settled and I was able to enjoy visits with her, knowing she was safe and cared for.
My Moms doing better in a nursing home than out. She was dying before she was put in home. Now shes the bell of th he ball.
I love this! Yes, for some people, a nursing home is just what is needed to start feeling better and doing better! Thank you for sharing! I have a video being released at the end of August that talks exactly about this! Happy your mom is doing well and I hope you are doing well too!
Careblazers: dementia care heroes thank you much great channel
you are very lucky!! the woman i care for is going into respite for a couple weeks. i am worried that when she comes out (they are isolating her because of CV19) she will be a shell of the woman who went in. i hope this is not the case but i have seen too many over worked and under staffed homes to think that she will get one on one attention that she will need. but i guess time will tell. at 83 we go for a walk down the road and back. she is now making it all the way to the end of the road and back. i carry a stool she can rest on when she gets tired but she does go and its uphill on the way back (with plateaus) its 0.9 of a mile out and back and i think its amazing at 83 she can walk it. im not so sure after sitting in a room on her own for 2 weeks she will be able to do that .
@@acornhomestead3575 can you give us an update? My own mother is almost 80, she gets around all right with a walker. She broke her hip months ago on some stairs, of course we were horrified but she seems to have come out of it with flying colors thank goodness. She's also survived cancer more than once. She is certainly a fighter. She noted that it's so ironic, a person can be fine for decades and never see the doctor, and then wham, things start to happen lol
@@kbanghart My lady is doing well. she has been in since the 2nd of january. im surprised her daughter is thinking of taking her out if she is doing so well honestly. im not sure how much walking she does but her happiness being in a home and having 24 hour care has definitely been the right move for her. i havent seen her in a couple months but all reports say she is doing well.
I love your proffessionalism. I passed through 30 years with my father with Dementia. My brother and me litterally had no life. Fortunatelly we both mananaged to make our lives important and he got a kid in his late fourties and I am very well payed caregiver in Germany. All due to long lasting fathers illness.
You speak very eliquintly. I could listen to you all day long.Thank you for all these great tips.
Thank you so much for posting these videos. My 87 year old mother had a stroke a couple of months ago, which has caused her dementia to advance. I have recently realized that I cannot bring her home to take care of her 24/7. This video has highlighted why and given me the right reasons to take to the discharge team meeting.
After my husband with Dementia wandered a few times, his Doctor recommended two Risperidone 5mg pills taken daily. One in the morning when he got up to begin his day, and one in the evening before bed time. He stopped wandering altogether once on the med. When his illness advanced to the point of being unable to walk, he was taken off the medication with no wandering episodes going forward.
Forgetting daily routine ie tablets, and spitting them out when Carer not looking; forgetting to drink from a glass and pushing it away; unable to sleep by not taking night tablet; unable to turn in bed; showering, resulting in a top&tail wash when toileting; physical and verbal abuse. These come to mind from my experience many years ago looking after my Mother. It is a labor of love.
We went through that and when my mother went to the nursing home there was even some kind of improvement in her condition. She always said did not want to be a burden for anybody (her words). She did take care of her mother when we were kids. Now, my sister, the caregiver, has gone through a rejection stage (my words) that, although not intended, has caused problems with the nursing home staff. She has a but for everything and they do nothing 100%(?). After three years and at a severe deterioration stage, mom is going back to my sister's house. BTY, I have become a stain on the wall that covers the expenses not covered by SS and her small pension. No voice or vote. Sadness all over the place. I guess just venting.
My husband wakes from dreams and confuses them from reality. I put door alarms on just so I can sleep in my own bed instead of the living room floor. I can't afford to keep him in a facility that gives 24 hour care and that is sad. So thanks to all the good video and articles and books I am learning to change my way of thinking on handling what happens day to day with him. I know there will come a time when I will need to sell my home just to keep him in a nursing home and live in my car or with one of my children.
Get him on medicaid/medicare.
.dont sacrifice your life...no parent would want that
If a loved one needs to go into a nursing home but doesn't have much money you(family member) can help by getting them on Medicaid. It's a tedious process but is worth the work. Make sure to get Power of Attorney as well.
6
Zork Work --- My sister has enough $$ for either herself OR her husband who has advanced Alzheimer's Disorder.
She is trying to keep him at home as long as possible.
Now that she has help through Hospice, the workers show up without advanced notice --- or perhaps 1 hour's notice.
It's making her crazy because she schedules a caregiver to cover duties at home while she goes to the store, etc.
Imagine getting a text informing you that the Hospice DON will be arriving at the house in 15 minutes.....while you're miles away!
She does not want Hospice staff to visit while the sitter is present.
Is asking for at least 2 or 3 days advance notice unreasonable?
@@OceanSwimmer I understand completely. Mom refused to move closer to us. I was so afraid if we had her living alone in her apartment-that a situation like that would happen.. We had gotten Mom a First Alert Button,, Meals on Wheels,,,,,,,,,a house cleaner and friends/family to call her... before I left from caring for her She'd returned from rehab from having a broken femur)I was there for over a month...I work for myself and needed to return home.
Within one day Mom cancelled everything we tried to do to make her as independent as possible within a day!!!!....She told us this in anger....another sign of Dementia .(She has very bad osteoporosis and has had some very bad breaks just from doing normal tasks(her bones are very fragile) Within 4 days after I'd returned home.....Mom's leg went numb and she ended up in the nursing home I'd asked for a placement(really nice people there...and a pretty place) But we did start the Medicaid process 2 years earlier because she was breaking her bones so regularly. I still have to work (I'm 66) so as hard as this decision was for myself and my brother ...she is in a good place. She likes it...though she thinks she put herself a rehab center and we go along with it. The hardest part right now is that we can't visit due to Covid but we talk every day. The staff are very kind to her and do little things to make her feel special.
You have to think about your own health....because as your sister knows it wears on her as well
Please at least research Medicaid options in your state....and take care of yourselves as well.
@@vasukey1875 what???
@@robertfrederick9506 what???
I am not a caregiver but these videos have been so helpful to me since my best friend has Alzheimers. I have shared your channel with her family. I cannot understand why some people gave this video a thumbs down. Every little bit of information I can get helps me to better understand things and better help my friend and her family.
All my respect for the time and effort you put into offering this information!Thank you!
I commend this Doctor and her advice is sweet and gentle and kind. My sister has been the caregiver for my mother and experienced all the problems mentioned in #2 and #3 of this video. In her efforts to care for my 200+ lb mother she experienced a torn rotator cuff, a atrophied muscle in that same area, and a tendon ripped right off the bone. This is taking mother out in a wheelchair and lifting her nearly inert body out of bed, chairs, the car and hauling a heavy wheelchair in and out of her car. Now, even though mother is in a very good care facility my sister visits every day! My sister has said that she hopes that she dies first, not that my mother would pass first. She has been diagnosed with stage 3 endometrial cancer and what she is most concerned about is how mother will react, not her own health. She went 1 year with symptoms because of our mother's demands. Obviously there is more going on here than mothers simple dementia, my mother always has been a self-centered and heartless woman and saw in my sister a willing victim. Mother would not be in a care facility had I not gone to support my sister and told the horrible truth about what mother was subjecting my sister to daily. It is great that some people have normal parents and caregiving is a challenge, but a normal challenge. But I have seen the other side and the picture is not pretty. My sister will probably not live her whole life span, and she is still more worried about "mom" than about herself. It breaks my heart.
As a husband taking care of my wife with some outside help, I worry about when my own physical abilities deteriorate and I can no longer care for her. A few years ago, she was in three different nursing homes. The care was horrible. With covid, I believe it would be a death sentence.
Seek Jesus, he will give you his strength. Read the Word of God, it will renew you and strengthen you day by day.
I am the sole caregiver to my 98 year old mother with dimentia. She's in home hospice care now and the nurses and aide comes twice a week to check her and bathe her. I have a sitter twice a week for 5 hours each day. Those 10 hours a week are all I have to myself and those days are when I get my grocery shopping, banking, and my own appointments done. I really haven't had a full day to myself in over 5 years. This year I've started taking blood pressure medicine and this week I've started an anti-anxiety med. I cry every..single..day. My mother is bedridden, unable to even turn over in the bed on her own and as of last week her speech has left her. She can't form a word anymore. She tries to talk but all that comes out is grunting. She also hasn't eaten in 3 days. Today will be the fourth. My brothers and I think she's on her way out yet the nurses say her vital signs are good. Because of the level of care she requires there may not be a nursing home in our state that will take her. A friend had to put her mother in a nursing home in a neighboring state for that reason. I will have to talk to the nurse today and see what she says. No medical professional has mentioned a possible time of death, so she could keep going on for a while. But sure as I put her in a nursing home, she'll pass away without any family present. I'm conflicted.
I am so glad I came across your very informative channel. My mother (87) is my father’s (91) caregiver. I live 45 minutes away and I’m trying to keep a close eye on them. My father has memory problems. His physician put him on B-12. We just presented them with a Mobile Help home system. Hopefully my dad will wear his pendant. My mom is very stressed, but refuses help at this time. To all caregivers out there, you are angels on earth ❤️
So u really you are not a care giver bec what can u do if u are 45 minutes away
Ignore blueocean! I am 82 to my husbands 83. Our 60 yr old daughter has nearly burned out living with us during covid, etd. I recently accepted
home help 16 hours per week. It is such a blessing. Although my husband can barely see and has mobility issues, and requires lots of help, our
60 plus years together make our time together precious. Tell your mom, having help has allowed me more time to devote to him and less to just
keeping up with day to day tasks. We can still laugh together, watch simple TV, I read to him or just sit with him. He still prefers my care but he loves me and wants me to be okay. My great fear has been to die before he does. I have never been Never Nursing Home and accept the time
may come. But, until .... we Keep On Keepin' On.
Ty! I'm so clueless 😐 on this.
Thankyou so much. I don't feel as overwhelmed, after hearing what you had to say.
You are welcome, Victoria. Caring for a loved one with dementia can be so overwhelming. I hope you are able to find ways to make sure you take care of yourself and surround yourself with supportive people. There are some pretty great FB groups for people in your situation if you search for dementia caregiver support in FB. Also, I made this careblazer survival guide last weekend. You may also find some help in here as well. The link will ask for your email and then my survival guide will be immediately emailed to you. Here is the link: eepurl.com/cPG069
All the best.
Victoria Mayo looks
Victoria Mayo Right, she's the Best.
Thank you for these guidelines. I am a pastor now retired. These ideas would have been a great addition in the past 20 years. I am glad to be subscribed now and to share information at our retirement community.
These words of neutrality and balance are SO healing, and would have been such 15 years ago, following a 15 yr interval of parental caretaking x2, for me. From my 20s through mid-30s, I had to come up with these myself, for myself. And at the time, when the process with each parent came to a close, individually, I then had to oath with myself to not revise history as time moved forward; what was fresh at the time was the most accurate, and what I constantly told myself to hold onto; THAT was "reality" , and my handling of it was the best that I could do for the and circumstances. That oathing, almost 20 years later, has been my salvation; my healing force and gesture of self-love, in which I could not have been a better best friend to myself by other means.
Still I wish, for the Young Me that had a mammoth bowl of life to navigate quite suddenly, and for an extended duration, to have had someone to tell me these things; of the various social workers and doctors involved, SOMEONE that could've seen ME, and waved a yellow flag, pointing me toward resource, like this one, available to me. Thank you for saying these things! Your words "have value", indeed!
My husband of 53 years went into a care home and has been there for almost a year. It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make. I just couldn’t take care of him anymore. My stress and anxiety were at capacity.
Every marriage has a history and that has to be taken into account. I will always grieve I guess and I miss him so much.
I identify. My dad is 86. Im 63. A home to care for and a high maintenance husband. Cant take on anymore. To stressful. So I did what I had to do. Plus I have issues with health myself. All my inheritance will go for his care, but that is ok.
@@sharoncrawford3042 Same here. Mom is 97. I am a cancer survivor and my husband is 8 years older than me. Hated do it, but it has worked out. She has been there for three years and I see her almost every day. Lost every bit of inheritance but worth it.
I was fortunate to have been able to have a conversation with my mom when some confusion was starting back in 2019, she was stressed about the future, I told her that I would ensure that she had everything that she would need as far as personal effects and care from there to the finish line whenever that may be, we visited a couple long term care homes and she chose where she wanted to go when the time came. Early 2020 she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and moved into a retirement home for some assistance mostly medication administration and meals, March 2022 she moved into the long term care home she chose, on the drive she said “ I’m so excited to be going to and she named the place” “ I never thought I’d get there “ I’m living a total guilt free life knowing she is getting everything she needs and she is where she wants to be. I’m so very grateful.
Missnurse - you have done your very best.
My mother is 101 & I have arranged residential care for here as I am so afraid of what she will do as she cannot be safely left, has nearly burnt down kitchen & cannot be logical any more. I am 67 & have put my life on hold for 8 years to the point where I am in danger of stress overriding my system. Please realise that if the person was in their right mind then they wouldn’t want you to suffer xx
How I wish UA-cam & this video had existed years ago when I was caring for my mom & had to make "the decision". Knowing these 3 things would have been tremendously helpful.
Thank you very much for the videos. I am in a situation at the present time trying to help my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. My brother-in-law has been diagnosed with dementia and is in a memory care facility. He was only amid it to the facility after his wife had a stroke and is disabled. He was not able to help her when she had the stroke and does not remember that she had a stroke. Currently my other sister-in-law and myself are power of attorney for the wife and have applied for guardianship for the husband. This video is so much in description like their situation. She was unable to convince him to get into a facility together and now both of them are in a facility. It makes me sad but after watching this video I realize it’s the best thing for both of them. She suffered much with caregiver stress to the point I think it could’ve been a contributing factor to her stroke.
Thank you for the wide range of topics that you cover on dementia
I’ve just had to let my Mum go into a residential home and I have a mixture of overwhelming guilt and relief that she is safe and cared for.
I think Care and Nursing homes should have a cap on the profit they are allowed to make. They are understaffed, staff are paid minimum wage attracting a lot of people with no skills or vocation. Staff who are dedicated are not appreciated and are over worked and often leave when they see how the facilities are run purely for profit with low staff ratio’s and no effort put in for stimulating their residents, poor nutrition resulting in malnourished residents. It’s cheaper to put residents in pads than it is to pay for extra staff- the price to pay - a lack of dignity and independence for the patient. The situation currently is disgraceful and needs stricter regulation. In the U K most state funded homes are disappearing and profit run homes are taking over but they are reluctant to take government funded clients as the government doesn’t contribute enough towards their care. This forces care homes to use self funded clients to subsidise the shortfall from government funded clients. Consequently the places for government funded clients are in short supply and waiting lists are high. A lot of care homes are owned by people the medical profession to boost their income not out of a sense of providing a valuable service. This needs to change.
Care assistant working in a private home here. I absolutely agree. I went into the job full of passion to help people and provide quality care. I realised very quickly that I can’t provide the standard of care I would like because of how understaffed the home is. The food the residents get fed is horrible, the rooms are tiny and not fit for purpose, the equipment is cheap and often breaks, and since we only have 1 maintenance person they can’t cope to repair it all. The owner has said himself that because he’s putting money into a new building, he will not put money into the old one unless it makes it unsafe (against the regulations). Some days I come back home and cry myself to sleep from frustration. I want to give my residents the best of the best but not every care assistant is like that either. All things considered I am strongly considering moving to a different career path. How can one expect someone to deal with all that on top of already mentally exhausting task that is taking care of multiple people with dementia? And all that for minimum wage? No requirement for qualifications, and we are surprised that the standard of care is less than satisfactory? I wish people would wake up.
Amen..
Valarie very well said, with truth and facts. It's disgusting how our elderly are being discarded, and treated badly, or not at all trained in the field of dementia .... .
I am so disgusted with this, and I'm mad at myself that I wouldn't even know how to go about fighting for all of our elders......
If you know something I can to to be an advocate for the elderly who need proper care please I'm Trudy Contos, not Harry he is my brother .....
Send me a msg on FB messenger or if you can in this post ....
Thank you
This is a huge statement and it speaks to how our societies do not honor our elderly! But when capitalism is alive well, the underdog always suffers the most!
You are absolutely right. It is obscene.
Also, if the house is cluttered and hired professionals don't want to work in unsanitary conditions. The options are, either the house gets cleaned up, or the person moves where they can have the care they need.
You are Fantastic! Thank You and God Bless you. You have helped me so much with my Wife of 49 years.
Excellent information, particularly to those of us starting this walk. Thank you.
Thank a million for your compassion in teaching us what you know doctor. I am a caregiver nd it surely is no joke to be a caregiver.
Dementia can be very stressful for the family when a family member is going through the stages which are explained well by this series. My brother is going through the stages now, and I would estimate he is in stage 3 (of 3) or beginning stage 7 (of 7). I am glad that I took the time to spend a week with him at his home by request of his wife, to observe and help make a determination if he should move into a memory care facility. He was a safety risk to himself and to the home at this point. I ask not certain how long he will live. Since moving him into the care facility, he has continued to decline, has lost weight, and can no longer walk on his own. I visit him as often as I can, share memories with him, and always tell him that I love him as well as his family. He reciprocates the best he can, but he is now losing the ability to communicate.
As a health professional I have many years working with Dementia clients. This video is very helpful and you nailed it. Thank you
Thank you so much for creating and posting these videos. They've been quite helpful to me.
the exact words that everyone has to hear. cause, others will say words that they don't know how we as caregiver do and going through. Thank you for your lovely and educated videos
In December I moved my parents to a flat in a retirement home. Mom is blind and dad has mild-moderate dementia. I had looked after them for months at their farm while organising this eventuality. Then covid19 struck and i evacuated them in March back to the farm (that we were about to sell). I am here looking after them again, except now with the added isolation. I feel like i am in an endless time loop. I miss my husband and our house and my work and projects. There are things I couldn't do when i was younger that i have impatiently saved worked and planned for to be able to finally do and now i can't because of this. I have got to put extra effort into not getting depressed myself.
Thank you. I have been in denial. My mom got diagnosed 6 years ago. But now I am seeing all the signs that make me feel I can't do it anymore. I am exhausted, anxious, irritable and guilty all the time. I have no longer a life nor can find proper care at home and I have to work 10 hours a day plus do everything else for her. I think it's time. This video I found quite by accident as I have never seen your channel before. It's almost like divine message from God. My decision to move her to a home is right. Besides, I am glad that at least I have some options. 🙏 Thank you. I have to do this and free myself and get off my anxiety meds.
I’m battling now!!! My loved one is also blind!!! It’s so hard!!! 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Keep faith... so sorry, this must be VERY hard... I will put you in my prayers ...
ToyaTruly Robinson, my deepest sympathies to you. I know how hard it is without blindness. I can only imagine the added stress and concerns you’re facing. Sending love to you. 💝✨✌🏼
My dad was blind also with dementia. It is very hard, even harder than a sighted person. I needed someone 24/7
I just got diagnosed with first stages of Alzheimer’s & I’m scared to death. For so many reasons. I live alone, I loose time, I forget many task I think I’m suppose accomplish throughout my day... I can’t figure out how to write things properly. So I voice write everything now. It suck!!!!
Penny Bartlett Put your faith in God. He will help you. I will pray for you"
This video is 4+ yrs old, but timeless. THX
This has been so helpful. I am having to make this difficult decision for my husband. All your videos have helped me immensely. Thank you.
I needed to hear this today , I have decided to place my Mum after five years of caregiving in my home, she has begun to wander , has been incontinent frequently , and i have placed my husband and family on the back burner for so long , I have started to lose my patience and dread getting up in the morning, I feel like I am failing my Mum but i found a great local memory care unit , I think that is best for all of us
You can do it!
@@DementiaCareblazers thank-you how kind are you ? ❤️
My mother has been living in a nursing home for 3 years now and I still feel guilty and that I have failed at taking care of her. I feel horrible and it's very upsetting....it's hard to see her there because I feel that EVERYONE blames me and it's my fault that she's there. I am mostly haunted by guilt-almost daily! My mother treated me horribly when I was her caregiver - I have forgiven her and I would give anything to have my mother back..the mom I knew before dementia.
Sherrie Johnson it does not sound like you failed our mother. It sounds like you made the very difficult decision to make sure your mother is cared for. The people you feel blame you do not have a say because they did not step in to provide care. I hope you can slowly find ways to realize you did what needed to happen. Day by day, be a bit more gentle to yourself. Guilt does nothing to improve the situation, it only makes you feel worse. Sending hugs your way. 💕
I know exactly what your talking about.its gonna be a year March.worse the worse.
Have you thought about getting some individual therapy and joining a caregiver support group? Nobody is pointing their finger at you. You are creating your own guilt and punishing yourself. It's not necessary nor is it healthy. Good luck.
I know exactly how u feel.I haven't had fun or anything in 8 years I always have my parents in the back of my head.They'er my best friends it's so hard to go to the house thank God my father is pretty good.But my Dad & I look around the house & everything reminds us of her.
seen her today at nursing home the worst is saying we have to go cause I have chores at my house.But I do it in a way that I feel like Im ling to her we'll see u soon.She use to give me phone calls everyday I miss that soooo much.
You are way too hard on yourself. You sound like a great person to me, but don't take blame on your shoulders. There is no fault & there is no blame. YOU ARE COOL!
I am a retired Psychiatrist. My wife has mid-stage dementia. Despite my training, my wishful thinking sadly blinds me to perspective and I am at no great advantage to anyone else. Interestingly, my training has at times stood in my way. I have repeatedly taken my wife's lack of knowledge of what she has done as denial that can be rectified, motivating me to want to educate her to no avail. I recognize that I have been trying to "give a bald woman a comb." I had forgotten that part of the disease is actually not having awareness of having a disease (anosognosia).
Thank you for your videos.
I worked part-time for 5 years for a home health company which I really enjoyed and turned out to be very rewarding. I agree with you 100% on reasons for nursing home care which is the best thing for certain clients. Thanks for video.
Thank you for the very important work you did.
Just like everyone else in the comments I needed this video today. Dad is diagnosed with multiple dementias Mom died 4 months ago. He's ok at his house with one of my siblings who needs housing too BUT the day will come and I have been asking the question of what does he look like, or what is the situation that requires his placement. Thanks for these hard question thoughts I just watched your vid on Stop doing this. So more is the issue of me being in touch with me and not ignoring it or my wife and really knowing the future is mine and not my dad's.
Thank you for all you do to convey important, salient information to all those who are caregivers looking for a way to get through today & survive tomorrow while taking care of loved ones. I am a 65 year old male who is the sole caregiver for my 89 year old mother suffering from dementia. It is the greatest challenge of my life & I pray I am up to the task.
My Brother...Please take it one moment at a time,,,Know you can’t do it by yourself...Please Know This....
I Pray for you!,
Thank you for this video. I pray that people understand that judging others by the decisions they make in this very emotional and stressful event in families lives are just a unique and judging others is IMO a very horrible thing to do to others. I'm a retired nurse. Since I retired, I have done total care for other family members and worked alongside with their hospital doctors, hospice teams and aides for all dynamics in their well being. This time. My aunt who has lived lately as a widow and cannot drive. She is 64. Went to see her and bring some items that she needed because she said she " didn't feel well to get a shower and was sore" This was kind of a usual thing in a way with her and her lifestyle for much of her life. I would take her to work, when she was working, we take her to family events, doctors , grocery store ect. Well, this particular day, I went to take some items she needed and I was absolutely devastated She had 3rd degree full thickness burns all down the left side of her body. Blackened and no sense coming from her. Flies came out of the doorway and the smell of poop ect was unbelievable. She had no sense of what was even happened to her. She couldn't even say a time frame of when this occurred and how long she stayed this way before calling to get items she needed and no mention of burned! Quickly called ambulance and got to the burn unit. Infection was in and it appeared and stated that she was like that for about a week. The house had her fecal matter all over the house and had to get bio team out to remove contaminated items ect and fumigation in the house just to be able to go in and see. She had to have suffered brain encephalitis slowly but surely before this and them a brain bleed that was small. But she has lost all ability to cognitive and reasoning due to irreparable brain damage. She has no thought or knowledge about her home and things are jumbled with people who has passed away years ago ect. She has to have 25/7 care and be kept safe and get care. This is impossible for me to do. I already cate for my parents now who haven't reached dementia but have other conditions. The paperwork and such is a whole nightmare too. So damned complicated and not do anything wrong. I finally had to petition court to appoint conservator/ guardian. I'm so burned out and stressed
My MIL is in final stage dementia, she has hearing impairment and she can't really communicate, it makes it very difficult to help her live with the best quality of life she might enjoy. She has mobility issues and she's a fall risk, and she has incontinence problems, sometimes she can feed herself, sometimes she loses focus and needs help getting the food in her mouth. We went with daytime home health aids, it's expensive but much cheaper than a nursing home. She has some assets to pay for it and we're stretching it as far as we can, so my wife covers her mother two days a week and nights. So far, that's kept my wife's sanity, her mother's decline is physically and emotionally challenging, without the aids help, she's not sure if she could have made it this far. Fortunately we are both retired, so we aren't trying to balance a job and home care, but still a tough responsibility and our lives are on hold until she passes. But I guess we wouldn't have it any other way.
Excellent video. In my mothers case, there were several issues that made me decide to send her to nursing home care. Problems with personal hygiene, cleaning the house, washing clothes, taking her medication, no longer understanding traffic rules (not obeying red traffic lights), no longer able to prepare her food, setting the kitchen on fire. And no longer accepting help from outside caregivers with these issues.
I had what I thought was a crazy experience, but have since learned that it is not. A nursing home held my mother illegally and imprisoned her in their lockdown unit for the insurance money, when I wanted to take her out and move her in with me, and she wanted it too. She knew where she was and scored normally on all cognitive tests. I had to fight in probate court for 2 months, and I followed their rules for fear of being deemed a bad caregiver, but EVERYTHING they did was illegal. I'm writing a graphic memoir of how I used my health and fitness knowledge from forgetting me, and it worked. Many of the meds have side effects of bowel problems and not having your safety precautions, as well as many meds have side effects of memory loss, like zocor and the statins. I watched my mother's behavior after food too and high fructose corn syrup made her mean and delusional. When I got her hydrated which was nearly impossible, she was nice as well. Dehydration causes every imaginable problem. I realize there are reasons that people may have to put their relatives in nursing homes, but I seriously wonder on their safety inside, because there's so much neglect and other patients could hurt them. Have you ever seen a study on the deteriation of people after going into a nursing home? Thans for the video.
Ive been wrestling with this decision to place my loved one...emergencies would throw her, but #1 is caregiver stress. We've tried 2 facilities, 1st one when i went through cancer treatment, 2nd one was 2 week respite, both bad experiences. Shes just so happy at daycare and with me, makes it 100 times harder.