I stopped saying yes and now everyone that I've stopped letting walk over me hates me, puts me down and milines me behind my back. I don't care let them, because I don't owe anyone anything except for myself. Taking care of me is what's important.
@Damian Lopez You're right. We attract that type -- or are trained by that type to please them -- so we keep that type in our life. We need to change ourselves and be discerning about WHY certain people are our "friends." I've learned that especially well during the COVID lockdown, since certain social activities have been curtailed. Sadly, many were "friends" of convenience, at best.
Agreed. I grew up without boundaries, and the experience was deeply harmful. At 44, I have been finally been enforcing reasonable boundaries for a few years now.
I've been in therapy for 6 years and I'm finally being my true self. But I'm now seen as the person tearing apart the family because I won't be a doormat anymore. It's amazing to me how I was so controlled for so many years through manipulation.
I feel this deep. I had to take a step back from parenting the kids because even grandma yelled at me for speaking my mind for once. Then I was over it. Obviously I was convenient help for her not an actual step parent to the kids. I let my husband take care of his own kids now. Its sad because I love them but if he won't stick up for me to her then I don't want to be part of it. I am still there for the kids of course when they ask me for help but not when grandma wants help with them. My husband can deal with that.
Yep. Narcissistic families are like that. They hate it when they can't control or manipulate you anymore. Don't worry about them. Keep being and doing you.
@@ThankfulPathways if there is abuse of any kind or disrespect. We have to be willing to walk away from it. We have to stop using kids as an excuse to stay in an abusive situation.
Doormat of the century here learnt behaviour from my mother and her mother .My grand mother had a so called good friend ,who did everything for her .Her friend moved house and a year later her friend died unexpectedly .I could not believe my grandmothers response OH WELL nothing more , she was not useful anymore .Just brutal
I'm a 64 yr old lady, mother, of five "emotionally" excluding children, 10 grandchildren. I've 'been here' for nobody calling or visiting for ages except maybe to be contacted when the cat died. I have had 50 shades of catastrophic discard from them all. Rebuilding my life at 64. What a head spin. I like Ross's 'label' = self love deficit disorder. It's another spectrum concept but Richard nails it here. People forget how healthy and invigorating a welcome encounter can add vibrancy to life... but believing in a miracle bubble (yet untrue) family group when one such Halleluyah chorus doesn't exist and wake up to this in your mid 60's is far out... so, any older ladies or gentlemen finding out similar things, hey, draw the line. Change your phone number, move to a nice new place if you can move. Toss out all the old stuff, photos, art, knikknacks... clear it out and grow a more authentic reality. You are more than you knew. Thanks Richard
I’m 67 and going throw the same thing. It’s taken two years to accept the “new life”. Year one was divorce hell year. Year two has been to go throw detox from everything and isolation. Lost everyone in my life. I’m now making break throughs. Fewer CPTSD attacks. Etc. There is a light at the end of the tunnel now. Do the finger chant. It’s helped tremendously. Just saying you are not alone. And keep going forward. Also, I find making strangers smile is a therapy. Use your empathy reading people to appreciate others and connect. It will prove to yourself you are a good person. Teach you who you are.
60 and not in good health due to adult child walking all over me using my grandchild as a bait “do as I say or lose the grandchild” I was brought up in a very disfunction family, my father was a narc.......it’s taken me three years of “50 shades” of emotional pain to see my adult child is a emotional abusive narc!..... now what ............
Hi, I'm 55 years old. 2 years ago Richard's UA-cam video saved my life. Suicidal Ideation was with me early in my youth, I had come to the point of desperation. Mr. Grannon kept my attention where no other mental health resources out there could. Today I am aware I have much work to do but I do have more serenity from a better sense of self. Ladies you are my hero's because of being in your 60's it offers confidence that it's never too late. My Papa took his life at 65 and didn't even know he was suffering from BPD. So Gratitude to you Mr. Grannon and to you my ladies for your fortitude.
The larger our involuntary tribe gets, the more miserable we are. Social media and governing institutions try to make one size fit all. Fawning is tribal, a survival instinct. When you increase the scale, it becomes emotional slavery and conformity. I never remember being a great student of Freud, but his writings on Group Psychology have stayed with me like a warning. The more we conform to group think, the less free we are as individuals.
I agree. I grew up in a military family, baby and only female with 3 older messed up brothers. Taught to make excuses for all others but never give myself the same. I fawned (lol and ALL OTHER Fs) for suevival. Id love to take that fawny "blankety-blank' out and beat her until she isn't part of me. Ugh. You are so right, ni matter if society just completely dies, it is never going to be worth it to end up with what is g king on now, personally or in the huge sick, tired society we exist in. Existence is no life, authentic living is freedom. Im very grateful to see my children are wide awake and teaching their kids even more awareness. Life will always find a way to succeed huh.? Thankfully haha
That is a problem with psychology as an industry and something Jordan Peterson is rightly criticized for as he puts the onus to get well on the individual whereas, as Gabor Mate points out, the real problem is the alienation by the predatory system misnamed as capitalism in which we live. The point is to have people with little (cultural, individual) identity, low self esteem and little support (family, community, etc.) and zero independence as a mass of slaves to materialism leaving people open to cults, social justice warrior causes, etc. anywhere where they can feel some community. RG is right to explore the systematic societal background of mental illness.
Oh yeah! We resistors get more and more pressure against us, I feel it now. Conform or die 1 of 2 ways.. die in spirit and core belief so i choose to put my fight down, or die for real from medicines, obligations, lonliness etc= over doing anything unhealthy to feel something again or cease all and disintegrate. Either way the dick-dicks get away with this mass slavery you speak of. Boy, I hope im really not just a human cuz what a drag 🙃
@@gertrudewest4535 He is not without compassion for the vulnerable. He had a dangerous life threatening reaction to a food substance, for which he was prescribed medications that are notoriously addictive. He is now drug free.
I disagree - nice is good, ... and self-destructive when in contact with not nice and not good people. Being nice is not good for you, because too few people are nice and good. Edit: being nice isn't equal to being a punching bag for violent abusive behavior and a dumping ground for other people's negative emotions while simultaneously being drained by leaches and forced to smile.
@@anna2belle783 I think it's better to be kind than nice. Nice seems more passive and submissive to me like a doormat. Kind is being nice to people who deserve it but also not afraid to defend yourself when needed, not in a asshole way but in a self confident way. Plus there's the whole "nice guy" syndrome that's horrifying!
In one of yr other videos you said that codependents have a neurotic terror of negative emotions. I think that's the core issue. Codependents, "empaths", "entrained doormats" or whatever you call them are scared like hell that someone might get mad with them. So we do everything to avoid that: fawning, pleasing, agreeing, shutting up, nodding, smiling, tolerating, accepting. And why do we do that? We fear punishment. Like abused dogs.
Hate that I feel it's a necessary part of the job in customer service. People are so abusive daily and it wears you down. You go from liking people to hating them. Definitely feel like a different person at work than I normally am.
My mother is a codependent. For years I struggled to understand why she remained with my father. He made all our lives miserable for years. We lived in terror constantly whether he was drunk or sober as to what he was going to do or say every minute of every day. It was only recently that my aunt said something to me that explained everything. "She has been a victim for so long she wouldn't know what to do with herself if she was free". It clicked.
I’m not “so nice.” I do not struggle to know, I do know. It took me decades to uncover my truth. I like me. I can stand up for myself and not feel that jab in my gut. I am 37 years sober and diagnosed a few years ago with cptsd. That was the missing piece of the puzzle that I needed. I did the hard work. I now live in reality and I am free from the trauma bond that held me captive for most of my life. I’ve also met my “monster.” Unknown fear does not rule my life. I live in peace but know I need to maintain my connection within and keep my boundaries intact. You, Richard, have helped for me to discern truth from fantasy. I thank you. I continue to watch your videos. 🪂
I’ve been excommunicated from my family of origin ever since I began having and maintaining my boundaries. Also, I have a hoody that says 2+2=4 because that’s my reality now! Wow, connection! Now, years later, certain family members are wanting to rebuild our relationships. Feeling very cautiously optimistic.
When you stop participating in toxic behaviors and relationships, start saying no, maintaining healthy boundaries you automatically become the problem. That is why its so hard to stop being codependent because you struggling with yourself now and now you need to start holding yourself accountable for allowing abuse and toxic people to stay in your life...
You can keep “toxic” people in your life- in small doses- you just have to police your boundaries very carefully when you are with them. And only tolerate them in this way if there is something in it for you and you are very clear about what that is. You might need to go “no contact” for a while until you “have their number” but after that it’s worth having a rematch. Many of them simply start to play by your new rules with surprisingly little resistance.
@@alisongreen7576 not in my experience, they have virtually zero self awareness ,and using people especially toxic people is in my opinion toxic in itself
I stop watching Richard's videos exactly because he helped me to get over things and I kinda moved on. But, every time I see the capture on his videos, I know there is something there for me, I haven't completely finished with my mess. Maybe one never does.
I think we all continue to learn from ourselves and of course from one another.... I also think that the work in ourselves is infinite or at least needs to be part of our progression; as satiant beings 😊
Recently read a book called _The Courage to be Disliked._ Freedom, according to the Philosopher in the dialogue in the book, is "being disliked by others." If you're trying to please everyone, you will fail, and you will not be free. Start condemning people, start making enemies.
Nice means controllable. Being the shell. Always checking anybodies needs, to never feel your owns. To have value only because of work and energy. Good girl gone real.
"Nice" men are not nice, but rather afraid of the consequences of being assertive and the complications of standing up for themselves, etc. So many men are afraid of being 'mean' by calling out the people that are being mean to them.
In the climate, today white men are labeled as evil, and the WOKE leftist movement and the feminist movement will gouge out your eyeballs and Skull F&*K you if you step on any eggshells or stick up for your self in any way. I am staying out of the whole game going MGTAO.
I’m stronger and better able to handle life, I make goals and achieve them now. I’m present for myself first and foremost. It’s miraculous what great communication can achieve. My family and marriage are strong. I’m strong and I’ve got this. I honestly never thought life could be this lovely.
I’m experiencing the great outcomes because I’ve learned more self discipline and EI. I’m reporting my results to Richard in case he reads the message. I’m just doing the work and feeling grateful to RG.
I think a person that uses codependency to keep the peace in a house with abuse. Verbal abuse scream, demand, and stupidity. It was easier to keep everyone happy. I feel that was me.
That was amazing what he said about being in a different situation and your moral coordinates changing. I was so saddenned by an event that I found myself rationalizing and thinking it was ok. But then I realized that was because I was stressed, then got ahold of my core values and did the right thing. It was so hard to face the sorrow and grief, but once I did, I felt clarity - so much more comfortable than rationalizing. There's so much more peace in going with genuine core values than rationalization could ever provide. You rationalize, but it takes work and the truth is always eating at you.
I couldn’t agree more Jake. I’m listening to Richard more and more. Through additional learning combined with agreement on so many levels, values and depths. He’s a rare one. Intriguingly rare! Good luck on your journey 😊
How do you get to know yourself deeply enough to set boundaries when you're always in the presence of people? It is the silent moments when alone that opens the door to the Self.
Yea, I’ve healed so far from my ptsd, but notice with certain people and societal stuff, I feel a temporary loss of self and feel a little floaty and ungrounded, absorb too much stimuli and feel off. It’s uncomfortable and I’m working on it happening less. Self care and listening to my body, and really getting deep into my own inner self is my anecdote, but i can still get thrown off a bit around certain things. This video was great. Thank you 💕🌼💕
Richard Grannon... I'm SURE you've heard it......a MILLION + TIMES... but you are a PHENOMENAL human being. You SAVED my "life"... "Mankind"... NEEDS more HUMAN BEINGS.... Like YOU. You're BRILLIANT/INTELLIGENT... You're entertaining/humorous... Calming... reassuring... You... My "friend".... ARE a HERO. Much Love & Respect 🤟
Yes. (pun intended). I'm having issues with keeping boundaries, because they were brutally broken when I was a kid. I don't know what is the correct way to live (and be with people). And I have learned toxic ways to cope, because as a kid I was being controlled with fear, shame and abuse. And abandoned, for needing care from my parents. A learned set of behaviour to reduce pain and to prevent your parents from abandoning you (as a child you might die if your parents won't accept you and won't take care of you, so you'd do anything to have them on your side).
I embrace conflict now, you are highly responsible for that Ritchie for all you’ve taught me in the past 8 years. My life has totally changed very grateful to you❗️
I was just saying this to someone the other day 🤣 codependent is a useless title because we are all basically wired for attachment. That’s actually normal. But, when you freak out when the thought of someone being mad at you, that’s a problem. 😢
Yes, I've always been confused about the codependent label and don't understand the line between healthy and unhealthy attachment. I came to the conclusion that any kind of attachment was unhealthy, but I guess not. It still confuses me. I don't think anyone ever loves it when someone is mad at them, apart from psychopaths perhaps, so where do you draw the line between a healthy response to someone's anger and an unhealthy one? I tend to freak out a bit at the thought of people being mad at me, even strangers over the internet, it's an automatic response, puts me into fight or flight, until I calm down, my executive function comes back online and I'm able to regain sanity. Maybe this is normal, we are wired to react to anger/rage, because it's part of our survival system. Before we became 'civilized' it was probably common for people to kill each other out of anger.
Sarah, I believe some terms are getting muddied here and so also the understanding. I would argue there is a difference between design and wiring and would go on to exert that we are designed for healthy attachment: in adult-to-adult relationships this is called interdependence. Interdependence, Codependence and counterdependence are not the same thing and if by "normal" you mean "healthy", then I would disagree: Codependence is common enough -yes, but healthy? -no. To be clear Codependence is not healthy "attachment" and though some of us have been wired for it by our upbringing, I would argue we are not designed for Codependence as in it does not safely meet our natural inborn needs.
This is the first time I have heard someone explain why I can have normal relationships with some people, but behave like such a people pleaser, can’t say no, can’t stand up for myself with others. Thank you, Richard.
Richard, your words are universal. It's almost like about current political situation in Poland. Government prohibited aborcy yesterday night. It's not possible to be individual person with own choices to live in this country.
Cheers, for assisting to save humanity . You're very real - & what you say is bang on! A lot of us know some of this, (but have had our minds so fx d over & lost our way) - so need it reaffirmed by someone respected..
In my case my people pleasery is a direct result of conditioning as a child, and as I wake up to this fact it’s been incredibly erosive. Setting boundaries is akin to learning a foreign language.
Achilles heel - there's a really nice term that I believe summs my problem up pretty well. I know exactly the context and the deed that triggers a codependent reaction in me. I know, now, just what part of my childhood and education made me develop this Achilles heel of mine - because I otherwise grew up in a very loving home. And I know that my own personality trait also plays a role. It finally makes sense! Thank you for opening up this topic, it really helped me connect some of the dots 🙏
When I finally understood what it meant to abandon myself and that I didn't have a fully developed self, I was finally on the way to applying these concepts. Learning how to recognize the parts of myself that were all disconnected and then work (really hard work) to reconnect these parts, was the foundation that was missing to understanding any of this. Most of the time we can operate with just one disconnected part of ourselves. We don't even notice. But we can't handle the more complicated parts of life or the triggers in life with just one part of ourself. This is why we behave differently and sometk.e opposite in different situations. Different parts of self are operating. None of the hundreds of books and articles I read made sense until I started to integrate all these disconnected parts. Life is rich and nuanced for the first time
I wasn’t a codependent until, I discovered I was. Now I’m learning to treat myself as special or more special than I treat others. Thank you for this coaching.
Every time I watch your you tube I swear you speak right to me about what is happening in my life and how to handle it. The Holy spirit is strong in you. THank you
As usual, this is brilliant. Thank you for your input and bringing this topic into a more coherent frame. I am constantly asking you how I can raise my son to be confident and less suseptable to toxic people. This morning he was giving me a hug and said, "Mommy, I love you know matter what you do." Such a sweet kid. I get what he is saying, and yet, that didn't sit right with me. This afternoon, we will be having a conversation about loving WITH boundaries. I will also practice speaking up when his boundaries are crossed. You are a blessing, Richard Grannon.
I have spent years trying to individuate as a mother of 5 children so as to know better and do better after a bitter divorce and show my children they could become strong loving people and I knew I had to lead by example not in words but in actions as I also coached children and adults in sports. I found that going to therapy was a commitment to myself that I mattered enough to have time to objectively talk to someone outside of family and friends about my damaged sense of self I encourage people to do that as family and friends can give really bad advice and they are not objective and can damage ones sense of self or support . However therapy is limited to the persons desire to know better and do better. I searched for my entire life and I know that the information that Richard shares feels like a home run on all fronts and resonates with me as a mother woman coach friend partner and most importantly , me Jane , the individual that is living to love and loving to live. I was always right here just one "no " away from the burden that life and people will try to make you own but now I just OWN MY OWN SHIT ! Everyday I get up and I think this is it Jane , make it count , now I watch Richard to remind me I am still a human inclined to be a pleaser so this week my job is to have a love affair with myself and started a new fitness work out planned my me time into my schedule for the next month and use my spare time to love playing my guitar and love spending time just being , Jane , thanks again Richard !!!!!!!
The bit about the eyebrows made me think of the Kardashians and how they now are at a point where they give girls and women the message that a cool skin tone is something they have to hide. With highly priced make up, of course. I agree that it is hard to say no sometimes and I think most people fear confrontation more now than 10 or 20 years ago. A very necessary video for the times we live in! Thank you! 👍🏻
environment ...contextual personal..I agree that these "personalized triggers.."energy signatures" that match and resonate with anothers need/s entrained most certainly 🙏❤🌹☮so appreciate your articulation and delivery Richard. 🙏💝thankyou.
That can be a useful strategy sometimes but if you feel/see your self driven over/ trampled on every time, it's time to lay down some strong boundries.
No, I do it for peace of mind. Or I could just walk away knowing the truth. I'm definitely not gonna play a part in their fantasy. It can make me feel somewhat "stuck" in the past. Which can be a real energy sucker. Because it's all mind games...sometimes it goes better than other times. I'm dealing with a family member who's a narc. Remember, "Don't drink the kool-aid".
@@elizabethgreenwood1267 got it. You mean like ,, don't succumb to their narrative''. Works for me. Good luck to you madam and may you have a wonderful day! 🌹
I just hope you'r channel don't get cancelled but I am not to optimistic. :) I watched you a few years ago and you videos about a neurolingvistic programing helped me allot and maybe now if I look back saved my life, or at least helped me to save my own life.
This is very helpful, thank you. Also, I have always said narcissists can change, but it does seem extremely difficult and rare for a true narcissist. It is a cptsd thing. Deal w the “lacking self” lie and the core jealousy and contempt that stem from this lie. Would still take a miracle.
I add a spiritual angle to my analysis of the situation w narcs. I have to really delve into your videos of 6 months ago explaining the ego and super ego... great info. Thank you
There's a factor that I think you and many others aren't really considering, that factor is... your job. Depending on what your job is, you have to please people, actually I'm hard pressed to think of a job where you don't have to please someone in order to keep working. I believe that when you're doing a job day after day, week after week, month after month and so on, that spills over into your actual life. I believe that it can become difficult to separate yourself from your work and the need to either please customers, clients or a boss. Add on top of this the "culture of entitlement" and it's easy to see why people simply fall into patterns of pleasing a person who is eager to take the superior position in a relationship. The crime of being an individual is decided and sentenced in the court of public opinion.
This is so me! I've worked a lot on self-awareness and compassion but there are some domineering personas I feel like I can't exactly thrive around. While I don't consider myself a codependent, I suspect there are situations that pull that programming out of me. I also feel like autocratic personalities that operate much like a runaway train don't lend themselves to an environment where everyone in said range can thrive, especially if on a primal level they possess more physical strength. There seems to be an inherent knowing about this unequal physical power that one with an exploitive agenda is keenly aware of. They're not concerned with people thriving. They are singularly focused on obtaining what they want. Does it just come down to avoidance at that point? A need for us to avoid those with oppressive agendas? And, doesn't it seem like there is a damn lot of them out there these days? That's a lot of avoiding. Perhaps it would feel better to shift focus toward people who value symbiotic relationships and genuinely want to see tribal thriving as much as they want it for themselves.
If you are a 51-year-old woman who has never been called selfish or negative for not letting people manipulate you, you are probably co-dependent. My favorite phrase, and I don't know who said it, but the phrase is "What other people think of you is none of your business"!
Those damn blindspots sometimes hit like an oncoming train. Your “I am my own self” mantra is a seriously good defense against this. Every time that feeling hits, I remind myself that “they are adults just like me, they can blow their own noses and wipe their own butts”. It helped me tremendously! Can’t thank you enough for that 🙏🙏 Community psychology is part of my psychology degree. The focus point have shifted lately to look/heal the individual as well as the community as a whole and how both have an influence. African psychology funny enough focus mainly on community. It is almost the opposite of Western psychology.
Brilliant Richard. So relevant right now, when we are all shamed into going along with the hive mind concerning the kung-fu. Thank you so much for your insight and wisdom.
I have been there...saying no to someone with highly honed victim signals, triggers guilt and conflict aversion in me....and I appease against my better judgement. Then I'm angry...you nailed it.
Omg! I am rolling on floor laughing! "Entrained doormat-ery"....(omg lol!)...."Entrained pushover-y".....yes! Yes! This IS excellent!! (Omg....snicker!)
This is a very powerful and on point clarification of the oppression of our true selves by societal conditioning! I am fascinated by this subject. You are so intuitive! Thank you for your insight! I watch your videos every day!
This above all - to thine own self be true.... A very resonant timely reminder of the truest path to sovereignty- the precursor to self actualisation. Thankyou @Richard Grannon.
Aiming to autonomous, independent and calm is the best thing to do as a human being. There's nothing wrong with being nice. In these moments, however, ask yourself how obligated do you feel. Will you feel resentment? It's not selfish. It is selfish to do things that will breed resentment in you. It will rot you from the inside. Don't get so jaded that you are no longer kind. But only give what you are capable of and be very selective about who and what you pour your energy into. Energy is supposed to be cyclical. Not only outward. If you don't speak up, people won't always even be aware that you are feeling used. Self preservation will make you stronger, and more likely, useful to those who really matter. Don't be afraid of letting certain people go if they can't or won't understand. Thank you Richard Grannon for putting these things out there in such a clear, no- bullshit fashion!
I love your use of language and I agree with everything... not in an overly agreeable people pleasing way, don't worry! I'm in my mid 30s and I'm only just practicing the art of honouring my boundaries. It's been met with much conflict from the narcissists in my life but every time I defend myself and my choices, I'm slowly becoming the whole person I should have always been, with a greater sense of self that I am not ashamed of. Thank you for all your wonderful wisdom 😊
“Co-Dependency” describes people who work harder on another person’s life than they’re willing to work. That’s how I’ve always defined it, and I’ve done it before.
Take heart all you "nicey's" getting old makes ya naturally grumpy ( well it did for me lol ) and you get tired of people's shit and find ways to not take it any more. My favorite thing to say is "oh yeah, that you just said? Me doing that for you. Taint gonna happen." "Um do something for you next Tuesday? Nope I'm already booked." "I got a dr's appointment that week!" LOL I sometimes don't even specify or I fib and say "no hon my car's in the shop, new engine." I'm just not as nice as I was in my 20's or my 30's or my 40's ( late 50's now ) GrumpMa rules.
@@persephonemaeve2704 good point actually my car is 22 years old and it's in the shop more than it's here LOL, so half the times it's not a fib lol. Actually I have very few folks who even try to routinely utilize me. But I've "jinxed" myself before so I do get what ur saying and that can very well be true. If I lie to a liar though they actually fall for quicker because they do it often themselves. And I do not fib to good people I still help them. So yeah!
Richard I can't keep up with you time wise! 5mos behind. I'm learning that I have a self. Self whats freedom. I want this & that & Manifesting healing & a place where I know I belong because I'm pleasing Self.
Lol, entrained doormatterly. Just in intimate relationships. I can say no and maintain boundaries just fine in other areas of my life. It is an excellent thing to be aware of and work on. Thank you.
Omg, this guy is right on, my head is exploding with recognition and hopefully my heart, it’s my heart that needs to lose the protective qualities and it seems thru this knowledge it is doing that. The coordinates, the entrained doormattery, can relate. When we strengthen the individual we strengthen the tribe, yes! Thank you so much for this one!
My codependent actions are definitely situational. They come out the strongest with interactions involving a person with perceived power or knowledge greater than mine (parental figures). I instantly turn into a pleasing, smiling, agreeable child (at 51 yrs old lol). I recognize it, but it's as though I'm watching it from a distance. I'm still chipping away at that behavior. If it goes on long enough (more than a minute or two), I start to regain my senses and can stand up for myself (somewhat :), it's the quick interactions where I feel like I've been hit by a bus and stand there thinking what the hell just happened?
Thanks a lot for this post Richard, great timing for me. Have always been a people pleaser & codependent 😨 Today, I had a lovely massage this afternoon, looking after myself & helps with chronic illness & pain I have. Couple of hours ago, got involved in an online community organisation I’m in. It was bickering, disagreements etc., on a Messenger thread & it just went on & on. Then a friend who has been involved & caused many of the issues, messaged me directly & asked if he could call me. Pretty sure he’s a narcissist, so he will have tried to drag me into something to favour him. I did something I don’t do often enough, I said NO. not having my evening & weekend ruined by that crap. If only I can maintain it😰😮
Thanks, Dr. Grannon. I like the way you framed this topic and defined what constitutes "codedendence" as a pattern of behavior, and noted societal trends. Unique boundaries, mission, purpose, values -- and underlying motivational factors are key.
Thank you so much I could now understand why we suffer Tragedy suffering catastrophe wouldn't be there if we could say no Live according to high values Unconsciously consistently
Love this, Richard! So true you have to KNOW who you are. If you believe you are worthless, are you then 'Surprised' not to be treated w Respect / as a Priceless Creation of God? We 'belong' to first and foremost to God, if other relationships Serve that end, they are Healthy. Reality in order to suit Man's 'needs' (more like wants!) will ALWAYS end badly. The sad part is, the Narc leaves a trail of Emotional Destruciton behind them....but how could they be the bad person? Don't they keep an 'Immaculate' house and may even toss u a few crimbs from time to time?! Again, it is all about appearances / gaslighting themselves and as many people they can suck into believing the Narrative that they are Mr. or Mrs. PERFECT!
Thank you so much for continuing to provide your content. Your work is the only resource that has genuinely aided me to stop rationalising my own delusions! A smidge of delusion is enough 😂
Great video.. 42 and learning about co dependancy, boundaries and saying NO! Been the people pleaser etc etc....family taught me well!! Now to unlearn it all!! My next 42 years will be better than the last 42.
The mandates have exposed many narcs and codependents. And re awakened their weaknesses. If I had a dollar for every person I have met that hates masks but puts them on out of fear of social shame. Narcs will gladly put them on, eagerly waiting to pounce on an individual.
Richard I'm ashamed too say I do have severe BPD because of trauma I am now 49 I was told I would always be a codependent always attract NPDS I do my dbts work on myself always be kind people take advantage like psychopaths and Narcs , I realise I also have issues but BPDS have empathy The others don't hence the difference am I too old too change i was told i was too kind vulnerable. Thankyou a new subscriber you have REALLY helped me God bless You .I did Philosophy at Uni .
I love Richards psyhcolosophy. Thank you Richard. 👍💖 I'm doing ok at the minute. I know what I want, I take consistant daily action towards what I want, I have been saying no alot more this last few months and caring less and less about what others think about that. I am feeling good without having to try and smiling and laughing, singing and dancing everyday (maybe that's the young rebel in me coming back because all those activities are forbidden here in Australia) and most importantly I take care of ME. It is weird how when you start asserting yourself correctly and doing all the stuff Richard teaches, you find yourself in a different tribe. The people who surround me now deserve my time, they truly care for me and we all have healthy boundaries. Thank you Richard. 💖💖💪
I stopped saying yes and now everyone that I've stopped letting walk over me hates me, puts me down and milines me behind my back. I don't care let them, because I don't owe anyone anything except for myself.
Taking care of me is what's important.
That’s right, those will have to get use to the change.
Enjoy the pleasure to help others when it’s good for you.
🙌🏼👍👍💐
They have very little respect for you
It's a quick way to find out who respects you and who just wants something from you.
@Damian Lopez You're right. We attract that type -- or are trained by that type to please them -- so we keep that type in our life. We need to change ourselves and be discerning about WHY certain people are our "friends." I've learned that especially well during the COVID lockdown, since certain social activities have been curtailed. Sadly, many were "friends" of convenience, at best.
Growing up without good Boundaries can really Screw up and Ruin your life!
Agreed. I grew up without boundaries, and the experience was deeply harmful.
At 44, I have been finally been enforcing reasonable boundaries for a few years now.
Amen
41 and just learning...
Totally!
well, indeed it did.
I've been in therapy for 6 years and I'm finally being my true self. But I'm now seen as the person tearing apart the family because I won't be a doormat anymore. It's amazing to me how I was so controlled for so many years through manipulation.
I feel this deep. I had to take a step back from parenting the kids because even grandma yelled at me for speaking my mind for once. Then I was over it. Obviously I was convenient help for her not an actual step parent to the kids. I let my husband take care of his own kids now. Its sad because I love them but if he won't stick up for me to her then I don't want to be part of it. I am still there for the kids of course when they ask me for help but not when grandma wants help with them. My husband can deal with that.
Yep. Narcissistic families are like that. They hate it when they can't control or manipulate you anymore. Don't worry about them. Keep being and doing you.
@@ThankfulPathways if there is abuse of any kind or disrespect. We have to be willing to walk away from it. We have to stop using kids as an excuse to stay in an abusive situation.
Doormat of the century here learnt behaviour from my mother and her mother .My grand mother had a so called good friend ,who did everything for her .Her friend moved house and a year later her friend died unexpectedly .I could not believe my grandmothers response OH WELL nothing more , she was not useful anymore .Just brutal
Your family was already torn apart. You’re just showing everyone.
"Entrained doormattery" 😂😂
💯
I'm a 64 yr old lady, mother, of five "emotionally" excluding children, 10 grandchildren. I've 'been here' for nobody calling or visiting for ages except maybe to be contacted when the cat died. I have had 50 shades of catastrophic discard from them all. Rebuilding my life at 64. What a head spin. I like Ross's 'label' = self love deficit disorder. It's another spectrum concept but Richard nails it here. People forget how healthy and invigorating a welcome encounter can add vibrancy to life... but believing in a miracle bubble (yet untrue) family group when one such Halleluyah chorus doesn't exist and wake up to this in your mid 60's is far out... so, any older ladies or gentlemen finding out similar things, hey, draw the line. Change your phone number, move to a nice new place if you can move. Toss out all the old stuff, photos, art, knikknacks... clear it out and grow a more authentic reality. You are more than you knew. Thanks Richard
Similar thing here. I’m trying to move on. I love the idea of the new phone, a complete do over.
I’m 67 and going throw the same thing. It’s taken two years to accept the “new life”. Year one was divorce hell year. Year two has been to go throw detox from everything and isolation. Lost everyone in my life. I’m now making break throughs. Fewer CPTSD attacks. Etc. There is a light at the end of the tunnel now. Do the finger chant. It’s helped tremendously. Just saying you are not alone. And keep going forward. Also, I find making strangers smile is a therapy. Use your empathy reading people to appreciate others and connect. It will prove to yourself you are a good person. Teach you who you are.
60 and not in good health due to adult child walking all over me using my grandchild as a bait “do as I say or lose the grandchild” I was brought up in a very disfunction family, my father was a narc.......it’s taken me three years of “50 shades” of emotional pain to see my adult child is a emotional abusive narc!..... now what ............
Hi, I'm 55 years old. 2 years ago Richard's UA-cam video saved my life. Suicidal Ideation was with me early in my youth, I had come to the point of desperation. Mr. Grannon kept my attention where no other mental health resources out there could. Today I am aware I have much work to do but I do have more serenity from a better sense of self. Ladies you are my hero's because of being in your 60's it offers confidence that it's never too late. My Papa took his life at 65 and didn't even know he was suffering from BPD. So Gratitude to you Mr. Grannon and to you my ladies for your fortitude.
The larger our involuntary tribe gets, the more miserable we are. Social media and governing institutions try to make one size fit all. Fawning is tribal, a survival instinct. When you increase the scale, it becomes emotional slavery and conformity. I never remember being a great student of Freud, but his writings on Group Psychology have stayed with me like a warning. The more we conform to group think, the less free we are as individuals.
Wouldn’t it be more dangerous to disagree or choose differently in smaller groups?
You can opt out.
Hibernate. Mute
Hard to do in a village
@@zerowheeler There is always a cost for being yourself. My experience is that one will be judged no matter what. I am learning to give no f*cks.
I agree. I grew up in a military family, baby and only female with 3 older messed up brothers. Taught to make excuses for all others but never give myself the same. I fawned (lol and ALL OTHER Fs) for suevival. Id love to take that fawny "blankety-blank' out and beat her until she isn't part of me. Ugh. You are so right, ni matter if society just completely dies, it is never going to be worth it to end up with what is g king on now, personally or in the huge sick, tired society we exist in. Existence is no life, authentic living is freedom. Im very grateful to see my children are wide awake and teaching their kids even more awareness. Life will always find a way to succeed huh.? Thankfully haha
We are tribal beings, but we don't really know who our fellow tribesmen are, we know people on a very superficial level only.
That is a problem with psychology as an industry and something Jordan Peterson is rightly criticized for as he puts the onus to get well on the individual whereas, as Gabor Mate points out, the real problem is the alienation by the predatory system misnamed as capitalism in which we live. The point is to have people with little (cultural, individual) identity, low self esteem and little support (family, community, etc.) and zero independence as a mass of slaves to materialism leaving people open to cults, social justice warrior causes, etc. anywhere where they can feel some community. RG is right to explore the systematic societal background of mental illness.
Oh yeah! We resistors get more and more pressure against us, I feel it now. Conform or die 1 of 2 ways.. die in spirit and core belief so i choose to put my fight down, or die for real from medicines, obligations, lonliness etc= over doing anything unhealthy to feel something again or cease all and disintegrate. Either way the dick-dicks get away with this mass slavery you speak of. Boy, I hope im really not just a human cuz what a drag 🙃
I bet you've checked out Thomas Szaz! Oh, and Erich Fromm's book Escape from Freedom.
Jordan Peterson is a drug addict after all
@@gertrudewest4535 He is not without compassion for the vulnerable. He had a dangerous life threatening reaction to a food substance, for which he was prescribed medications that are notoriously addictive. He is now drug free.
if you study history you’ll find predatory systems all over. sometimes more effective even without internet and machinery
I'm in my 30s and I just realized a nice man isn't necessarily a good man, and I want to be the latter.
Congratulations. You are awake.
A nice man, is rarely an honest man.
I disagree - nice is good, ... and self-destructive when in contact with not nice and not good people. Being nice is not good for you, because too few people are nice and good.
Edit: being nice isn't equal to being a punching bag for violent abusive behavior and a dumping ground for other people's negative emotions while simultaneously being drained by leaches and forced to smile.
@@anna2belle783 I think it's better to be kind than nice. Nice seems more passive and submissive to me like a doormat. Kind is being nice to people who deserve it but also not afraid to defend yourself when needed, not in a asshole way but in a self confident way. Plus there's the whole "nice guy" syndrome that's horrifying!
@@gablison the nice guy thing is really a way of saying she isn't sexually attracted to you. but i do agree with your comment.
In one of yr other videos you said that codependents have a neurotic terror of negative emotions. I think that's the core issue. Codependents, "empaths", "entrained doormats" or whatever you call them are scared like hell that someone might get mad with them. So we do everything to avoid that: fawning, pleasing, agreeing, shutting up, nodding, smiling, tolerating, accepting.
And why do we do that?
We fear punishment.
Like abused dogs.
@Sally So well put, you nailed it !
Hate that I feel it's a necessary part of the job in customer service. People are so abusive daily and it wears you down. You go from liking people to hating them. Definitely feel like a different person at work than I normally am.
💯 well said! In an abusive marriage how do you challenge a narc, you don't!
@@shellyj7536 I think you get the hell out, and not bend a knee to the bully. You rebuild yourself the way you were before that relationship
Well said @Sally
If someone from 1900 were to come back today to 2020, they'd think they had entered an insane asylum.
I feel that way now
@@hellocourtney82 Me too. xo
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
?
Just David a knockout statement that I completely identify with
We will be punished for our kindnesses
The road to heaven, forgiveness. (from a safe distance, from within effective boundaries)
My mother is a codependent. For years I struggled to understand why she remained with my father. He made all our lives miserable for years. We lived in terror constantly whether he was drunk or sober as to what he was going to do or say every minute of every day. It was only recently that my aunt said something to me that explained everything. "She has been a victim for so long she wouldn't know what to do with herself if she was free". It clicked.
My late Mom was also that - a codependent, until her last day.
My Dad had no one standing up against his abuses until his last day.
I’m not “so nice.” I do not struggle to know, I do know. It took me decades to uncover my truth. I like me. I can stand up for myself and not feel that jab in my gut. I am 37 years sober and diagnosed a few years ago with cptsd. That was the missing piece of the puzzle that I needed. I did the hard work. I now live in reality and I am free from the trauma bond that held me captive for most of my life. I’ve also met my “monster.” Unknown fear does not rule my life. I live in peace but know I need to maintain my connection within and keep my boundaries intact. You, Richard, have helped for me to discern truth from fantasy. I thank you. I continue to watch your videos. 🪂
Any books you’d recommend for newly self diagnosed with C PTSD?
I’ve been excommunicated from my family of origin ever since I began having and maintaining my boundaries. Also, I have a hoody that says 2+2=4 because that’s my reality now! Wow, connection!
Now, years later, certain family members are wanting to rebuild our relationships. Feeling very cautiously optimistic.
When you stop participating in toxic behaviors and relationships, start saying no, maintaining healthy boundaries you automatically become the problem. That is why its so hard to stop being codependent because you struggling with yourself now and now you need to start holding yourself accountable for allowing abuse and toxic people to stay in your life...
You can keep “toxic” people in your life- in small doses- you just have to police your boundaries very carefully when you are with them. And only tolerate them in this way if there is something in it for you and you are very clear about what that is. You might need to go “no contact” for a while until you “have their number” but after that it’s worth having a rematch. Many of them simply start to play by your new rules with surprisingly little resistance.
@@alisongreen7576 not in my experience, they have virtually zero self awareness ,and using people especially toxic people is in my opinion toxic in itself
True. Especially as a woman.
Sometimes we just don't have a choice if they are Family...what about the kids?
@@bonniebester606 Try to make your own living and leave for the sake 9f the kids. They will resent you if you don't.
I stop watching Richard's videos exactly because he helped me to get over things and I kinda moved on. But, every time I see the capture on his videos, I know there is something there for me, I haven't completely finished with my mess. Maybe one never does.
I think we all continue to learn from ourselves and of course from one another.... I also think that the work in ourselves is infinite or at least needs to be part of our progression; as satiant beings 😊
Recovery is a continuous process
Yes, I did the same. it’s nice to pop back every now and then.
Same here but I also watch to pass on these gems to others.
dude I think you'll need them a lot more as the world spirals into hunger games and the covert abuse from the top escalates
Recently read a book called _The Courage to be Disliked._ Freedom, according to the Philosopher in the dialogue in the book, is "being disliked by others." If you're trying to please everyone, you will fail, and you will not be free.
Start condemning people, start making enemies.
@@annekerotterdam7499 yeah I know, that's what I said. Question mark question mark question mark.
Nice means controllable. Being the shell. Always checking anybodies needs, to never feel your owns. To have value only because of work and energy.
Good girl gone real.
"Nice" men are not nice, but rather afraid of the consequences of being assertive and the complications of standing up for themselves, etc.
So many men are afraid of being 'mean' by calling out the people that are being mean to them.
Abdul Saad (Vital Mind Psychology) has some videos about this on UA-cam, September 2017.
do you get it's the rulers that are the covert abusers? not many seem to get this
Jafal, that goes for women also, Thanks
In the climate, today white men are labeled as evil, and the WOKE leftist movement and the feminist movement will gouge out your eyeballs and Skull F&*K you if you step on any eggshells or stick up for your self in any way. I am staying out of the whole game going MGTAO.
The freedom is when you no longer give a fuck about what you are called by "them"
I’m stronger and better able to handle life, I make goals and achieve them now. I’m present for myself first and foremost. It’s miraculous what great communication can achieve. My family and marriage are strong.
I’m strong and I’ve got this. I honestly never thought life could be this lovely.
This is really funny, lol. External locus of control, much?!?!! Dang.
I’m experiencing the great outcomes because I’ve learned more self discipline and EI. I’m reporting my results to Richard in case he reads the message. I’m just doing the work and feeling grateful to RG.
@novusvir usinurbeest y’all need to get OFF the LOA train and live with authenticity, just sayin
And I can hashtag a million things! Get real people, get real.
I think a person that uses codependency to keep the peace in a house with abuse.
Verbal abuse scream, demand, and stupidity. It was easier to keep everyone happy.
I feel that was me.
Linda Mcnamara,you must be a precious 🌹🌹🌷 being 😊🤙
That was amazing what he said about being in a different situation and your moral coordinates changing. I was so saddenned by an event that I found myself rationalizing and thinking it was ok. But then I realized that was because I was stressed, then got ahold of my core values and did the right thing. It was so hard to face the sorrow and grief, but once I did, I felt clarity - so much more comfortable than rationalizing. There's so much more peace in going with genuine core values than rationalization could ever provide. You rationalize, but it takes work and the truth is always eating at you.
Yes, is that part of narc abuse syndrome?
Really beautifully said. I've experienced this recently, and could not agree more. :)
I just discovered your videos today and I just wanted to say thank you..I feel there is hope for me :)
Very stoic approach this is seriously helping me out I hope you continue to put out content
I couldn’t agree more Jake. I’m listening to Richard more and more. Through additional learning combined with agreement on so many levels, values and depths. He’s a rare one. Intriguingly rare! Good luck on your journey 😊
How do you get to know yourself deeply enough to set boundaries when you're always in the presence of people? It is the silent moments when alone that opens the door to the Self.
Fully resonating with you 🙏
Yea, I’ve healed so far from my ptsd, but notice with certain people and societal stuff, I feel a temporary loss of self and feel a little floaty and ungrounded, absorb too much stimuli and feel off. It’s uncomfortable and I’m working on it happening less. Self care and listening to my body, and really getting deep into my own inner self is my anecdote, but i can still get thrown off a bit around certain things. This video was great. Thank you 💕🌼💕
Hello, I’m a recovering Codependent.
Are you a middle child too? I know it hasn’t been a topic officially but I’ll bet there’s an overlap....
@@Urban_Piggy Youngest child. 🤷🏻♂️
Richard Grannon...
I'm SURE you've heard it......a MILLION + TIMES...
but you are a PHENOMENAL human being.
You SAVED my "life"...
"Mankind"... NEEDS more HUMAN BEINGS.... Like YOU.
You're BRILLIANT/INTELLIGENT...
You're entertaining/humorous...
Calming... reassuring...
You... My "friend"....
ARE a HERO.
Much Love &
Respect 🤟
Yes. (pun intended). I'm having issues with keeping boundaries, because they were brutally broken when I was a kid. I don't know what is the correct way to live (and be with people). And I have learned toxic ways to cope, because as a kid I was being controlled with fear, shame and abuse. And abandoned, for needing care from my parents. A learned set of behaviour to reduce pain and to prevent your parents from abandoning you (as a child you might die if your parents won't accept you and won't take care of you, so you'd do anything to have them on your side).
I embrace conflict now, you are highly responsible for that Ritchie for all you’ve taught me in the past 8 years. My life has totally changed very grateful to you❗️
I was just saying this to someone the other day 🤣 codependent is a useless title because we are all basically wired for attachment. That’s actually normal. But, when you freak out when the thought of someone being mad at you, that’s a problem. 😢
Yes, I've always been confused about the codependent label and don't understand the line between healthy and unhealthy attachment. I came to the conclusion that any kind of attachment was unhealthy, but I guess not. It still confuses me. I don't think anyone ever loves it when someone is mad at them, apart from psychopaths perhaps, so where do you draw the line between a healthy response to someone's anger and an unhealthy one? I tend to freak out a bit at the thought of people being mad at me, even strangers over the internet, it's an automatic response, puts me into fight or flight, until I calm down, my executive function comes back online and I'm able to regain sanity. Maybe this is normal, we are wired to react to anger/rage, because it's part of our survival system. Before we became 'civilized' it was probably common for people to kill each other out of anger.
Sarah, I believe some terms are getting muddied here and so also the understanding. I would argue there is a difference between design and wiring and would go on to exert that we are designed for healthy attachment: in adult-to-adult relationships this is called interdependence. Interdependence, Codependence and counterdependence are not the same thing and if by "normal" you mean "healthy", then I would disagree: Codependence is common enough -yes, but healthy? -no. To be clear Codependence is not healthy "attachment" and though some of us have been wired for it by our upbringing, I would argue we are not designed for Codependence as in it does not safely meet our natural inborn needs.
This is the first time I have heard someone explain why I can have normal relationships with some people, but behave like such a people pleaser, can’t say no, can’t stand up for myself with others. Thank you, Richard.
Lynell Ross,you deserve better cause you are a precious 🌹🌹🌺🌺 being ❤️😊🤙
Richard, your words are universal. It's almost like about current political situation in Poland. Government prohibited aborcy yesterday night. It's not possible to be individual person with own choices to live in this country.
Cheers, for assisting to save humanity . You're very real - & what you say is bang on! A lot of us know some of this, (but have had our minds so fx d over & lost our way) - so need it reaffirmed by someone respected..
In my case my people pleasery is a direct result of conditioning as a child, and as I wake up to this fact it’s been incredibly erosive. Setting boundaries is akin to learning a foreign language.
A 💎 video...thank you for every single one of them
Achilles heel - there's a really nice term that I believe summs my problem up pretty well. I know exactly the context and the deed that triggers a codependent reaction in me. I know, now, just what part of my childhood and education made me develop this Achilles heel of mine - because I otherwise grew up in a very loving home. And I know that my own personality trait also plays a role. It finally makes sense! Thank you for opening up this topic, it really helped me connect some of the dots 🙏
When I finally understood what it meant to abandon myself and that I didn't have a fully developed self, I was finally on the way to applying these concepts. Learning how to recognize the parts of myself that were all disconnected and then work (really hard work) to reconnect these parts, was the foundation that was missing to understanding any of this. Most of the time we can operate with just one disconnected part of ourselves. We don't even notice. But we can't handle the more complicated parts of life or the triggers in life with just one part of ourself. This is why we behave differently and sometk.e opposite in different situations. Different parts of self are operating. None of the hundreds of books and articles I read made sense until I started to integrate all these disconnected parts. Life is rich and nuanced for the first time
Thank you Richard. It should be accessible on national TV!!!
I wasn’t a codependent until, I discovered I was. Now I’m learning to treat myself as special or more special than I treat others. Thank you for this coaching.
Thanks for the reminder that boundaries define who we are.
Exactly what I needed to hear before bed.
Every time I watch your you tube I swear you speak right to me about what is happening in my life and how to handle it. The Holy spirit is strong in you. THank you
As usual, this is brilliant. Thank you for your input and bringing this topic into a more coherent frame. I am constantly asking you how I can raise my son to be confident and less suseptable to toxic people. This morning he was giving me a hug and said, "Mommy, I love you know matter what you do." Such a sweet kid. I get what he is saying, and yet, that didn't sit right with me. This afternoon, we will be having a conversation about loving WITH boundaries. I will also practice speaking up when his boundaries are crossed. You are a blessing, Richard Grannon.
mannamomof4,he must be a lovely kid 😊😊🤙
Oh my gosh that was wonderful!
Thank you Richard! This spoke straight into the deepest parts of me. You are a godsend big guy! No lie.
I have spent years trying to individuate as a mother of 5 children so as to know better and do better after a bitter divorce and show my children they could become strong loving people and I knew I had to lead by example not in words but in actions as I also coached children and adults in sports.
I found that going to therapy was a commitment to myself that I mattered enough to have time to objectively talk to someone outside of family and friends about my damaged sense of self
I encourage people to do that as family and friends can give really bad advice and they are not objective and can damage ones sense of self or support .
However therapy is limited to the persons desire to know better and do better.
I searched for my entire life and I know that the information that Richard shares feels like a home run on all fronts and resonates with me as a mother woman coach friend partner and most importantly , me Jane , the individual that is living to love and loving to live. I was always right here just one "no " away from the burden that life and people will try to make you own but now I just OWN MY OWN SHIT !
Everyday I get up and I think this is it Jane , make it count , now I watch Richard to remind me I am still a human inclined to be a pleaser so this week my job is to have a love affair with myself and started a new fitness work out planned my me time into my schedule for the next month and use my spare time to love playing my guitar and love spending time just being , Jane , thanks again Richard !!!!!!!
I was just thinking along these lines the other night. This is just what I needed to hear today. 😊
The bit about the eyebrows made me think of the Kardashians and how they now are at a point where they give girls and women the message that a cool skin tone is something they have to hide. With highly priced make up, of course.
I agree that it is hard to say no sometimes and I think most people fear confrontation more now than 10 or 20 years ago.
A very necessary video for the times we live in! Thank you! 👍🏻
Accepting compliments with a simple, “Thank you” (and letting silence fill the air) is still difficult for me.
environment ...contextual personal..I agree that these "personalized triggers.."energy signatures" that match and resonate with anothers need/s entrained most certainly 🙏❤🌹☮so appreciate your articulation and delivery Richard. 🙏💝thankyou.
I've always seen "codependent" as a term that the CIA made up to label helpful, nice normal people as mentally ill.
I find that I'm selectively agreeable to avoid confrontation to maintain civility in certain situations.
That can be a useful strategy sometimes but if you feel/see your self driven over/ trampled on every time, it's time to lay down some strong boundries.
No, I do it for peace of mind. Or I could just walk away knowing the truth. I'm definitely not gonna play a part in their fantasy. It can make me feel somewhat "stuck" in the past. Which can be a real energy sucker. Because it's all mind games...sometimes it goes better than other times. I'm dealing with a family member who's a narc.
Remember, "Don't drink the kool-aid".
@@elizabethgreenwood1267 got it. You mean like ,, don't succumb to their narrative''. Works for me. Good luck to you madam and may you have a wonderful day! 🌹
Absolutely amazing video 🙏👍🙌
You are utterly amazingly correct. You make me think twice about my actions/decisions. Bless you.
I just hope you'r channel don't get cancelled but I am not to optimistic. :) I watched you a few years ago and you videos about a neurolingvistic programing helped me allot and maybe now if I look back saved my life, or at least helped me to save my own life.
Dunja Kovacevic, Really!
This is very helpful, thank you. Also, I have always said narcissists can change, but it does seem extremely difficult and rare for a true narcissist. It is a cptsd thing. Deal w the “lacking self” lie and the core jealousy and contempt that stem from this lie. Would still take a miracle.
I add a spiritual angle to my analysis of the situation w narcs. I have to really delve into your videos of 6 months ago explaining the ego and super ego... great info. Thank you
There's a factor that I think you and many others aren't really considering, that factor is... your job. Depending on what your job is, you have to please people, actually I'm hard pressed to think of a job where you don't have to please someone in order to keep working. I believe that when you're doing a job day after day, week after week, month after month and so on, that spills over into your actual life. I believe that it can become difficult to separate yourself from your work and the need to either please customers, clients or a boss. Add on top of this the "culture of entitlement" and it's easy to see why people simply fall into patterns of pleasing a person who is eager to take the superior position in a relationship. The crime of being an individual is decided and sentenced in the court of public opinion.
This is so me! I've worked a lot on self-awareness and compassion but there are some domineering personas I feel like I can't exactly thrive around. While I don't consider myself a codependent, I suspect there are situations that pull that programming out of me. I also feel like autocratic personalities that operate much like a runaway train don't lend themselves to an environment where everyone in said range can thrive, especially if on a primal level they possess more physical strength. There seems to be an inherent knowing about this unequal physical power that one with an exploitive agenda is keenly aware of. They're not concerned with people thriving. They are singularly focused on obtaining what they want. Does it just come down to avoidance at that point? A need for us to avoid those with oppressive agendas? And, doesn't it seem like there is a damn lot of them out there these days? That's a lot of avoiding. Perhaps it would feel better to shift focus toward people who value symbiotic relationships and genuinely want to see tribal thriving as much as they want it for themselves.
Steffie Kensley,you look stunning 🌹🌹🌺🌺
People can criticize any and every choice, no matter what.
Agreed. Most people just go along with these predator types.
If you are a 51-year-old woman who has never been called selfish or negative for not letting people manipulate you, you are probably co-dependent. My favorite phrase, and I don't know who said it, but the phrase is "What other people think of you is none of your business"!
Those damn blindspots sometimes hit like an oncoming train. Your “I am my own self” mantra is a seriously good defense against this. Every time that feeling hits, I remind myself that “they are adults just like me, they can blow their own noses and wipe their own butts”. It helped me tremendously! Can’t thank you enough for that 🙏🙏
Community psychology is part of my psychology degree. The focus point have shifted lately to look/heal the individual as well as the community as a whole and how both have an influence. African psychology funny enough focus mainly on community. It is almost the opposite of Western psychology.
Brilliant Richard. So relevant right now, when we are all shamed into going along with the hive mind concerning the kung-fu. Thank you so much for your insight and wisdom.
I have been there...saying no to someone with highly honed victim signals, triggers guilt and conflict aversion in me....and I appease against my better judgement. Then I'm angry...you nailed it.
Omg! I am rolling on floor laughing! "Entrained doormat-ery"....(omg lol!)...."Entrained pushover-y".....yes! Yes! This IS excellent!! (Omg....snicker!)
Being nice is like opening up the gates of hell and theres time for tea
My puppy is always so calm when I listen to your videos :)
This is a very powerful and on point clarification of the oppression of our true selves by societal conditioning!
I am fascinated by this subject.
You are so intuitive! Thank you for your insight! I watch your videos every day!
This above all - to thine own self be true....
A very resonant timely reminder of the truest path to sovereignty- the precursor to self actualisation. Thankyou @Richard Grannon.
Aiming to autonomous, independent and calm is the best thing to do as a human being. There's nothing wrong with being nice. In these moments, however, ask yourself how obligated do you feel. Will you feel resentment? It's not selfish. It is selfish to do things that will breed resentment in you. It will rot you from the inside. Don't get so jaded that you are no longer kind. But only give what you are capable of and be very selective about who and what you pour your energy into. Energy is supposed to be cyclical. Not only outward. If you don't speak up, people won't always even be aware that you are feeling used. Self preservation will make you stronger, and more likely, useful to those who really matter. Don't be afraid of letting certain people go if they can't or won't understand. Thank you Richard Grannon for putting these things out there in such a clear, no- bullshit fashion!
I love your use of language and I agree with everything... not in an overly agreeable people pleasing way, don't worry! I'm in my mid 30s and I'm only just practicing the art of honouring my boundaries. It's been met with much conflict from the narcissists in my life but every time I defend myself and my choices, I'm slowly becoming the whole person I should have always been, with a greater sense of self that I am not ashamed of. Thank you for all your wonderful wisdom 😊
Entrained doormatry💭🤔=Trained to be a door mat??😑 I can see that
“Co-Dependency” describes people who work harder on another person’s life than they’re willing to work. That’s how I’ve always defined it, and I’ve done it before.
Take heart all you "nicey's" getting old makes ya naturally grumpy ( well it did for me lol ) and you get tired of people's shit and find ways to not take it any more. My favorite thing to say is "oh yeah, that you just said? Me doing that for you. Taint gonna happen." "Um do something for you next Tuesday? Nope I'm already booked." "I got a dr's appointment that week!" LOL I sometimes don't even specify or I fib and say "no hon my car's in the shop, new engine." I'm just not as nice as I was in my 20's or my 30's or my 40's ( late 50's now ) GrumpMa rules.
Why prevaricate?
A polite, but firm 'no' needs no further explanation.
Yes indeed. I'm 41 now and my patience for what I used to allow just isn't there and grumpy is Cool 😎😜😏
@novusvir usinurbeest Yes and also avoid unnecessary debates
Don’t lie because words are powerful and you may find that your car does indeed break down lol
@@persephonemaeve2704 good point actually my car is 22 years old and it's in the shop more than it's here LOL, so half the times it's not a fib lol. Actually I have very few folks who even try to routinely utilize me. But I've "jinxed" myself before so I do get what ur saying and that can very well be true. If I lie to a liar though they actually fall for quicker because they do it often themselves. And I do not fib to good people I still help them. So yeah!
Richard I can't keep up with you time wise! 5mos behind. I'm learning that I have a self. Self whats freedom. I want this & that & Manifesting healing & a place where I know I belong because I'm pleasing Self.
Lol, entrained doormatterly. Just in intimate relationships. I can say no and maintain boundaries just fine in other areas of my life. It is an excellent thing to be aware of and work on. Thank you.
Look at you dropping the Eddie Bernays bomb! Dude was definitely dodgey!!
Eddie bernays bomb explain?
Freuds nephew. Freud should be looked at, as well.
That’s the real question in life... when do you try to kill them with kindness and when do you go to war?
I would say to always be on guard, kind of like war.
Read Sun Tzu; The Art of War
Omg, this guy is right on, my head is exploding with recognition and hopefully my heart, it’s my heart that needs to lose the protective qualities and it seems thru this knowledge it is doing that. The coordinates, the entrained doormattery, can relate. When we strengthen the individual we strengthen the tribe, yes! Thank you so much for this one!
Phenomenal explanation!!! Thank you for sharing this insight.
you are an amazing speaker thank you!
My codependent actions are definitely situational. They come out the strongest with interactions involving a person with perceived power or knowledge greater than mine (parental figures). I instantly turn into a pleasing, smiling, agreeable child (at 51 yrs old lol). I recognize it, but it's as though I'm watching it from a distance. I'm still chipping away at that behavior. If it goes on long enough (more than a minute or two), I start to regain my senses and can stand up for myself (somewhat :), it's the quick interactions where I feel like I've been hit by a bus and stand there thinking what the hell just happened?
Thanks a lot for this post Richard, great timing for me. Have always been a people pleaser & codependent 😨 Today, I had a lovely massage this afternoon, looking after myself & helps with chronic illness & pain I have. Couple of hours ago, got involved in an online community organisation I’m in. It was bickering, disagreements etc., on a Messenger thread & it just went on & on. Then a friend who has been involved & caused many of the issues, messaged me directly & asked if he could call me. Pretty sure he’s a narcissist, so he will have tried to drag me into something to favour him. I did something I don’t do often enough, I said NO. not having my evening & weekend ruined by that crap. If only I can maintain it😰😮
Seriously love your work Richard..Thank you for helping me heal ❤️
Thanks, Dr. Grannon. I like the way you framed this topic and defined what constitutes "codedendence" as a pattern of behavior, and noted societal trends. Unique boundaries, mission, purpose, values -- and underlying motivational factors are key.
Thank you Richard Grannon for this very interesting conversation ... I found your channel today and I’m subscribed 😁
This topic is so very apt and important right now in 2020! Thank you for raising this. 🙏💜
Thank you so much I could now understand why we suffer
Tragedy suffering catastrophe wouldn't be there if we could say no
Live according to high values
Unconsciously consistently
Love this, Richard! So true you have to KNOW who you are. If you believe you are worthless, are you then 'Surprised' not to be treated w Respect / as a Priceless Creation of God? We 'belong' to first and foremost to God, if other relationships Serve that end, they are Healthy. Reality in order to suit Man's 'needs' (more like wants!) will ALWAYS end badly. The sad part is, the Narc leaves a trail of Emotional Destruciton behind them....but how could they be the bad person? Don't they keep an 'Immaculate' house and may even toss u a few crimbs from time to time?! Again, it is all about appearances / gaslighting themselves and as many people they can suck into believing the Narrative that they are Mr. or Mrs. PERFECT!
Thank you so much for continuing to provide your content. Your work is the only resource that has genuinely aided me to stop rationalising my own delusions! A smidge of delusion is enough 😂
Do unto others as you want to be done unto you ,if you meet those who treat you the way you would not treat them, WALK.
Thank you for your video. I'm setting my boundaries with narcissists. It feels like fight for my life.
Great video..
42 and learning about co dependancy, boundaries and saying NO! Been the people pleaser etc etc....family taught me well!!
Now to unlearn it all!!
My next 42 years will be better than the last 42.
The mandates have exposed many narcs and codependents. And re awakened their weaknesses. If I had a dollar for every person I have met that hates masks but puts them on out of fear of social shame. Narcs will gladly put them on, eagerly waiting to pounce on an individual.
I refuse to wear one out of common sense.....medical exemption and religious exemption......non ritual participation
Dude, masks are bc there’s an alleged pandemic......
@@CrazyCoon100 alleged PLANDEMIC !!
@@notyourblonde oh you’re so clever! Excuse me while I sail off this flat Earth whilst attempting to reach the mythical Australia.
@@CrazyCoon100 ......fear is your plandemic, common sense is the cure.
And you cant sail off the edge silly, that's what the ice wall is for!!
Richard I'm ashamed too say I do have severe BPD because of trauma I am now 49 I was told I would always be a codependent always attract NPDS I do my dbts work on myself always be kind people take advantage like psychopaths and Narcs , I realise I also have issues but BPDS have empathy The others don't hence the difference am I too old too change i was told i was too kind vulnerable. Thankyou a new subscriber you have REALLY helped me God bless You .I did Philosophy at Uni .
Everything changes. You can change. Try the next 30 day challenge when it comes up.
In the age of Covid it feels like I am required to set myself on fire so the common good (or those in the community) can be warm
Triggers are landminds. Yes land minds
Bam! Yes. I love the way you explain things.
Thank you. This was possibly your most important video I listened to as per today. Thank you.
Life truth this.! Courtage, and be brave is getting important.
charlotta tissaoui,hope you are with a better man cause you are too precious 🌹🌹🌷🌺!
I love Richards psyhcolosophy. Thank you Richard. 👍💖
I'm doing ok at the minute. I know what I want, I take consistant daily action towards what I want, I have been saying no alot more this last few months and caring less and less about what others think about that. I am feeling good without having to try and smiling and laughing, singing and dancing everyday (maybe that's the young rebel in me coming back because all those activities are forbidden here in Australia) and most importantly I take care of ME.
It is weird how when you start asserting yourself correctly and doing all the stuff Richard teaches, you find yourself in a different tribe. The people who surround me now deserve my time, they truly care for me and we all have healthy boundaries.
Thank you Richard. 💖💖💪