Parenting That Heals w/ Erica Komisar | The Lila Rose Podcast E108
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- Опубліковано 9 чер 2024
- Today I welcome back Erica Komisar, Psychoanalyst and Parent Coach, to pick up where we left off from our last conversation about the importance of being present to our children at their earliest stages. In today’s fascinating conversation we unpack more best practices for parents to support the development of their children in the most critical stages of adolescence. We also discuss the best way to pursue relationship with your teen, how to select the right school for your child, how to minimize your children’s trauma from divorce, and how to heal relationships with your parents as an adult. I also ask up some of your most burning questions for Erica from our last episode.
Check out Erica's Work: www.ericakomisar.com/
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Timestamps:
00:00 Intro Sequence
00:40 Introduction
02:14 Welcome Erica
03:06 The Two Critical Windows in Development
05:58 What About 3-9?
09:26 Physically and Emotionally Present
10:44 Good Ranchers
11:48 Discipline and Boundaries
14:02 Understanding Tantrums
17:10 Gentle Parenting
18:46 Tantrums and Neurological Sensitivity
20:44 How Do You Know Your Child Needs Attachment Repair?
24:18 Presence is Presence
25:45 Seven Weeks Coffee
27:00 A Tough Question
28:27 If A Child Rejects Your Vulnerability
29:03 Empathy Before Boundaries
31:02 3 Stages of Adolescence
34:13 The Most Vulnerable Adolescence
36:01 Mental Health of Adolescence
39:23 Factors of The Decrease in Mental Health
46:01 Nimi Skincare
46:54 Impact of Divorce and How to Make it Work
49:44 Lovingly Divorcing?
53:46 Marriage is Worth Fighting For
55:40 How to Minimize Damage After Divorce
59:16 Worried Spouse Could Do Harm
1:00:47 Every Life
1:01:33 "Until You Are 6 You Should Just Play"
1:07:14 How To Select a School For Your Children
1:11:42 School for Middle Schoolers/High Schoolers
1:13:35 Extra Curricular Activities
1:16:03 Caution Towards High Performing Child
1:19:24 Advice for Parents Trying to Connect to Adolescent Child
1:24:44 Talking to Your Parents About Past Hurt
1:28:16 Adults Can Heal From Their Parents' Shortcomings
1:29:51 Advice for Someone Seeking Healing from the Past
1:31:58 All is Not Lost
1:33:06 Wrap Up
I'm a therapist, father of three, and fatherhood advocate. The great return of homeschool, homestead, and engaged fathers will be the revival of America.
That's such important work 🥰
Given that the left is incentivized to push society in the opposite direction, and the right refuses to actually work on the fundamental obstacles of these, short answer is it will not happen.
Amen!
My husband is a homeschooling dad to our 3 kids. Sounds like you two have a lot in common.
Yes, but we need virtuous fathers. I can't stress that enough.
I was a full-time working mom when my son was 0 - 9 years old. I was not present and not my best self. I made a decision to be at home from 9 - 18 years old. It has been totally worth it.
I first heard Dr Komisar when my first daughter was 3 months old and I think she saved my parenting from getting off on the wrong foot. Her wisdom is astounding. She is one of the top most influential voices in my life. Thank you for bringing her back!!
Yes! I absolutely love learning from her! She is brilliant!
This is my same story but with my twins quit my job when they were 5 months.
Same here! My son was 2 weeks old when I saw Erica's interview, I read her book, and decided not to return to work. I feel like God hit me across the face with Erica and attachment parenting and I'm so grateful for it.
Lila Rose .I just want you to know . I looked everytime you uploaded to see when you were going to have Erica Komisar on. Ever since you told us you were making another video with her about two months ago. I love your videos I feel as if I have learned so much
This is truly one of the best UA-cam videos I have ever watched! I can not thank you enough for inviting Erica. thank you!
When Dr Komisar said young children should not seek connection with strangers…I immediately thought of my 15 month old who often wants to be picked up and held by people other than me, like when my husband and I bring her to a party for example. Friends are always commenting things like, “wow, your daughter is so comfortable with me! She’s so social!” It always felt like a good thing. I’m having difficulty accepting that it’s actually a sign of poor attachment💔
At any rate, at least there is hope of reparation if it turns out my daughter is indeed poorly attached. Thank you for this episode, and thank you Erica for your willingness to publicly discuss things that are challenging for parents to receive and digest.
My son is similar at certain parties, but there are circumstances where he will only want me or daddy. So I'm not 100% it's poor attachment... just be cautious to not over diagnose or look for things that aren't there.
My daughter is exactly the same, she is turning 2 soon. She goes up to people at the park and is super extroverted and friendly. I have done all of the secure attachment things, but I have had a lot of intense emotions and felt incredible sadness around her which I have a lot of guilt about. However I do think her extroversion is a good this despite maaaaybe being a sign of insecure attachment. I think there's a balance, perhaps yes, but also some children are more naturally social
I had the same initial concearn.. I have a very outgoing newly 2 year old and she LOVES new people. But when she is nervous, she comes right to me. She recovers quickly when I comfort her. I have always been a SAHM too😅 I feel like you can look at other criteria to get a clear picture of you are worried :)
I think we need to be careful to take everything literal. There are many factors that contribute to poor attachment. I hold a degree in child and family development and studied attachment theory as well and am a mother of 5 who has been home with them. I don’t agree with her point of view in this matter and think she explained it poorly. If mother or father is close by and you have a very social child that’s comfortable with people that’s not poor attachment. My children have always been very loving and social as well. And they are attached perfectly fine to me! Very well behaved, sweet hearts and smart kids. For people interested in more info on the theory in this field ‘handbook of attachment theory’ is a good resource of where most are educated in. And there is an experiment that you can probably find on UA-cam that is used by scientists to research attachment styles among kids. It’s called ‘strange situation experiment’ developed by Ainsworth. Mama I’m sure you’re doing fine!!❤️
Some people have never met a stranger from the womb. It is not likely anything personal or an attachment issue. If you two have a good relationship, don't worry. I ended up in the hospital with placenta previa with my 4th for 6 weeks. My daughter was not even 2, and it really did change her level of trust and comfortability around me. If you haven't had any trauma or separation, don't worry.
At a MINIMUM, divorce ENSURES that the mother absolutely CAN'T be there for her children. She'll have to be working constantly, (usually to make less money than her ex and WAY more stressed out because we weren't designed to take on full time work and all the childcare/household responsibilities.) A bad marriage, (that isn't abusive or really explosive) is likely better than divorce, especially when children are young.
I totally agree with you, if its endurable, stay there, cause being a single mom aint easy on you and the child's mental state, I was divorce with a child. Was ignored, by my ex, no big abuse, but he was mentally having psychoses, I thank god we lost a child it would have been hell
This is helpful reading these perspectives as a stay at home mama in a not so great marriage.
For more clarity on discipline and being an empathic nurturer, you should 100% try to have on Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, writers of the Whole Brain Child and other parenting books. They really help to clarify, especially for parents who are like “my kids need boundaries and to obey” how to discipline (as in “disciple”) kids in the MOST effective way for their brain development and setting them up for best success while not falling into being too permissive. It really pairs well with Erika’s work and expertise on the brain and attachment.
The conversation about tying to repair relationships with your parents as an adult hits home. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much Lila. Me and my husband really enjoyed your video. It was a blessing that we're going to be parents to our kids. We would of had two kids if I didn't had a miscarriage last year. I was very sad and crying because I never experienced that before but we're growing strong within our marriage together.
Don’t give up Emily. God is faithful. He hears the cry of your heart. You’ll be a mom.
I love this woman. She could help heal the planet. God bless her.
Key takeaway: Loving motivation, gentle and emphatic approach.
❤ Also it's good to teach children to have confidence from within, when they make new good choices especially, being proud of them but also asking things like "how do you feel about that?" ...askt hem if they feel like they did good. Get them to feel good about their choices from within vs depending on judgement of others. As they get older. Probably not necessary when infants and toddlers. Lol Though idk if if would be bad.
I would love to know her opinion on whether or not or how/how much parents should play with children.
Looking forward having another podcast with Erica, you guys doing great job spreading awareness that people absolutely have no idea about
This was an awesome conversation! If you have another chance to ask her questions 😅 I would love to know what she thinks about how cell phone use is affecting parenting of young children.
This 👏👏👏
This !!!
Soon to be 37 year old here. In SC in the early 90s both preschool and kindergarten were half- day. You either went in the am (8-11am) or the pm (12-3pm). You didn't have a full 8 hour school day until 1st grade. Just how Erica described. And I learned to read at home around 3 because I loved reading and my family read to me every day. By age 5, I could read any book in my classroom/picked out by my teacher and not just those in our house.
Completely agree on the play front…although to the point on reading- I learned to read at 3 and it was the greatest gift of my childhood! My daughter also showed an interest in learning to read at the same age. We shouldn’t force it, but I don’t see the benefit of withholding if the child is showing a keen interest!
Absolutely! I teach my kids to read when they ask to learn. My first started at 3, my second at 4 and my 3rd started learning at 4 but is taking longer because he’s not as keen as his sisters were. I follow their lead. Kids should learn out of interest at that age and if they are interested in reading then teach!
I too learned to read at 3 and don’t recall feeling any parental pressure to do so. Can you speak to how an interest in reading presents itself? My 2 yo is curious about letters, not sure if starting phonics is pushing him too much.
Please keep these discussions coming! thank you!
A healthy and moral society is built on the foundation of the concept of the true family, which is under direct attack today.
The enemy of our salvation understands this and does his evil best to destroy in our minds and hearts any understand of true family life. This attack starts with distorting the image of authority. It is shone to be either something evil or comical. In media today, the fathers in modern families are presented as inept or silly individuals, one who destroys, rather then someone that gives the family cohesion and strength.
The children have no respect for the parents and at best tolerate their presence. Other persons of authority are also pictured as either tyrannical, inept, or corrupted. There is no unity in the family as each member basically lives for his/her own selfish wants and desires.
To correct the dysfunctional family, society wants to entrust the welfare of the children to school or social services. Parents are often denied their parental rights in making decisions concerning the behavior and welfare of their child.
Finally! I have been waiting for this!
So tough to hear at times but I love learning how to be a better mommy
Very helpful. I wish there was someone like Erica when I was growing up in the sixties. I was raised in catholic school from kindergarten to high school. The system did not care about the difference between students or even siblings. You were expected to get high grades and to conform every day or you got a beating at school and a beating at home. Some kids were so stressed out that they were already using powerful illegal drugs at the age of 13. I witnessed the 13 year old stoners at my school. It was a terrible system looking back.
It wasn't much different as a kid in the 80s - 90s 😂
Since you annonser it some weeks ago, I was looking forward listening to this. Thanks Lila and Erika!!
I love Erica❤my mentor🙏thanks for being❤❤❤
This was very insightful. Thank you ladies!
Wow, thank you so much 🙏🏾💓
This is very good
I have a hard time taking her seriously now when she mentioned "figure out gender or sexuality" in 2nd stage of adolescence. Makes me really reconsider now her other scientific tidbits and fit them within my Catholic worldview. As a whole I think she is ok, but something like that slipped in throws her message off and needs greater magnification.
Catholicism doesn't make sense. Can you explain why you say you believe in Jesus as God, the Almighty but you don't believe you should listen to him..... don't you think it's ok when priests and other clergy contradict Christ and His Word .......or do you not bother to study the Word? If you believed in Jesus and His salvation why wouldn't you want to get closer in His Word????
Same ! Why would she say that ( is she secretly woke )?
Hi! She talks about this briefly in her first book. Research has shown that young girls tend to gravitate more towards fathers in early years and young boys gravitate towards mothers. She referred to that as sexual development (I hope I’m remembering that correctly!). She said that is why you will often see young girls play “marrying daddy”. It’s healthy and normal.
So it’s not a perverted or “woke” sense of sexual development. Just a normal part of growing up and learning about love and strong relationships.
I agree. Erica also is pro-abortion and has written articles criticizing the Catholic Church's teachings on contraception and pre-marital sex. Lila should not be promoting Erica and giving her a platform.
I'm not catholic but I'm Protestant. And I can tell you, just with what I have heard so far that a lot of her ideas are definitely not biblical. I mean… She claims to be pro family and that's great. And certainly I think that what she says about very young babies is probably true. But if she is pro abortion, then I can't believe that Lila has not done her research on her guests before getting them on. Serious cognitive dissidents here. also, what she says about discipline is, I would say way off the mark. She is so wrapped up in empathy and emotions, that she forgets that the job of a parent is to raise a child that is able to deal with and cope with the adult world, not be indulged in their own emotions. because the harsh reality is that the adult world is not going to care about how you feel, or how you process your emotions when you are told know by employee or a policeman. this is what happens when you allow therapist to advise you on parenting. I would rather take the advice of that woman that's got 12 kids and has raised them successfully and they are really good kids, well light, friendly and polite and his adult children are successful in life… Whatever that looks like. I would rather take advice about parenting from someone like that then from a therapist who has done all the brain studies… woop-de-doo... but how much experience has she actually had with hands on raising children? I have to say, I'm sorry to say that I am sceptical. But I think that is because of my general scepticism of therapists generally.
Boy do I wish I'd had this information 7 years ago.
It’s very important for mothers to have chosen a husband, and have been closely related to Jesus in lifestyle and staying with the husband. Because once you have the dysfunction in the family, you can only do so much. And there’s no such thing as a perfect household. I stayed at home many many years ago loved my children, but I was very young and I married someone who drank too much. So right off the bat things got weird.
It would be nice of people. Listen to you or learned about this as much as we all can try very hard to achieve this. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. We aren’t in control God is and we have to be close to him. He can work things out. Thank you for your information and it would be great to be an ideal mother but we all have some regrets I think for sure. Thank you very
Yes but many of us can make it work even when we choose poorly. ❤ I was lucky for sure, but I now have faith even without the passive blessings I received...it was possible. And we did also put hard work in.
I hated my BF when I got pregnant. Hated. I thought it was normal to feel these ways with a toxic mother, and that we need sex so not a big deal....(I wasn't saved yet). I was also very depressed. I didn't start out hating him, but we were still having drunken intimacy when I was preparing to break it off.
Everyone told us to either abort the child or give for adoption, but not to marry. I think the holy spirit was leading me. But I told him we should marry if he's going to be present in our child's life and he agreed.
It was extremely difficult for the first several years. He and I both had addictions and were not saved. We had to live with a toxic family member too that would put us against one another.
We were able to move out finally, and my husband ended up accepting salvation. I started to read the Bible and pray to prove him wrong. 😅 (I was raised in a religious melting pot, and went to Catholic School, but was agnostic). Well I also ended up accepting salvation. So we were equally yoked ..meaning no reason to divorce under Biblical law. Not since he stopped emotionally abandoning me. He decided to serve me and I him....as Jesus asks us to.
❤
It's been about 7 years since, things consistently get better. We have hiccups but....still...better and better and we have a more successful relationship than most we know. We have been together over a decade and I can't imagine life without him.
We both did and said terrible things to one another. Especially before saved. But it got better. Which is an understatement. I hope you have had or do have miraculous improvements too.
@@ari3lz3ppGlory to God!!! My marriage story is similar. We both got saved post marriage. I almost divorced but once I got saved, God started working on me for years. 7 years later, my husband got saved and now we have the best marriage I have ever seen. Everyone around us is divorcing and yet our marriage is getting deeper and deeper. Only because we’re following Jesus Christ!
I tried approaching my Mom about my past and came to her sooooo gently and she tried to attack me 😂 lesson learned. I was a bad kid when i was 10-21 because it was all me and had nothing to do with her parenting is what she tried saying. She said all that and worse while holding up a glass bottle and she was going to attack me. Smh i have been in therapy for years reliving that day. Before she did that I was telling her i was so sorry for being such a bad teenager too. 😐😑😒
It definitely taught me to treat my children with more love and give them the attention they need ❤
What led up to your rebellion? Did she have issues? Has she just not forgiven you, or not acknowledged her failings?
I’m so sorry that’s a very difficult thing to live through. I can only think she wasn’t given the love and tools to be whole in herself ie she was coming in very wounded probably from her own traumatic childhood… and so the story goes. Way to break the cycle. Takes a lot of strength and courage ❤
So excited to watch this!!! I’ve been waiting!
I was one of those kids that learned to read early, I had a vocabulary that my grandparents would show off to co-workers when I was a toddler. I was put into sports and girl scouts etc because my older relatives couldn't keep up, my mom was busy choosing work and a redundant degree, and then partying with friends. TBH society also reinforces these things. Since at least the 70s in many places.
I'm glad I was raised more by my grandparents than my toxic mother, but they also didn't raise me as much as the public schools did. As the coaches did.
Thankfully I had a lot of good therapy before that was so corrupted as an industry....but I still struggle today with a lot of social aspects ans more, i wasn't dx ASD until my 30s, but I wonder how muxh of my symptoms woyld be better had I been given more nurturing/bonding time and more time to just be. Ironically when I got older.....around 11+, I was given some free summers, some of the best memories I have had were during breaks of course. But I still was trying to be busy, there was an anxiety of needing to be productive. Instead of knowing myself better, and even above having strong friendships. I let a lot of "friends" bully me, I didn't take time to understand boundaries, I definitely wasn't taught good boundaries.
Studying psychology is what started to help me understand good boundaries, in my late 20s.
I will probably always regret sending my first (special needs)child to public preschool and Pre-K. Its encouraged and getting summers too was considered a privilege.
So I took it even though it ate me up to send my child away. To get half answers about how his day was, why he was scraped up etc....why his potty training regressed so hard (and never came back... he's almost 12 and has periods of improvement but it's never been like he was before preschool).
I didn't think about how it's like a prison, and how I wasn't the crazy one for being upset that I couldn't go see my 3 year old at any time, when the smaller school knew me.... it's far crazier to be ok with just dropping them off and not asking questions etc. I don't get that at all.
Well turns out he was being abused. Thankfully we caught it, but nothing we could do and they knew it, with no way to get significant proof for court and their slew of district attorneys vs us being on food stamps at the time. (The schools know all of that ....)
When we removed him from public school, before Kindergarten, we sent the appropriate letters, my husband went and talked with the school about it. We had threats about truancy officers etc. at our home. Until I emailed the school about my son not yet being school age required and that they are harassing us, and they can speak with our attorney if need be.
It was 2018 and I still did not know home-school existed legally...I knew of charter schools so I went with that until many years later, we finally have fully home-schooled. This is the best option, but the charter school is definitely better than public school.
Our kids have excelled relative to where they were in charter...and compared even to cousins that the family brags about. The cousins that are in AP classes and going to academic camps and after school clubs etc.....at 10-15 years old, since they were tiny. Well thise kids also have a lot of emotional issues, one shows signs of anti-social disorder. The one girl hardly gets attention from her mom and is going down a bad path, and very depressed at 11. But hey- looks good on paper! Who cares if they are emotionally destroyed?
Honestly most of society encourages that kind of structure and they don't stop to consider why we have such a consistent increase in health issues in the past generations.
WHAT A GEM!! Thank you for this!
Seeking therapy! This is a golden episode ❤
Dear Lila: Ms. Komisar has very interesting things to say on child development, but she is not against abortion. She wrote this article for the WSJ two years ago:
"The Human Cost of Restricting Abortion. Growing up unwanted can leave scars that last into adulthood".
I found this very disappointing. I'd say I'd rather be "scarred" than dead.
I hope you can comment on this.
She's interviewing her about child development, not abortion. Not every expert is going to have a perfectly conservative or religious view. Take what is helpful and disagree with what's in conflict of God.
@@Ana_Cecilia615
You don't need to tell strangers what to do (what you say is so banal anyway); that's why my comment was directed to Lila.
@@sug1733 She probably thinks the same way. What do you expect from her?
I agree with you. ❤ But also I don't agree with her that all children start as narcissists. She maybe meant this ironically....we might be narcissistic, but I don't even agree with that. I feel that is healthy to a degree if the parents do their job to dote on their baby, and progress with lessening that as they are less dependent....but some kids don't even get that as babies.....I didn't. I found out from people around including my own mother, as I got older, as I had my own children.
So like anyone... she's human and destined to be wrong about some things. Even in her studies. The abortion on is major and I thank you for sharing it. Important to know where the source comes from...but perhaps she will change her mind and heart. 🥺
@@Ana_Cecilia615She talks about how bad it is to take away childhood from children 😅 I'm just saying....the quickest and one of the most awful ways to do that is by abortion. It's important because it contradicts a lot of what she says here and in her studies.
I hope more of these opinions can be conveyed to the policy makers. You can’t ask an individual to be perfect while the system is broken.
Truth
For the very loving child to strangers. I feel like this is just a personality trait and often children from big families are very social. I’m a sahm. My kids are incredibly social and love interacting with people/strangers. No issues with them. If anything they are smart, loving, very well behaved and easy going kids. I do a lot with them. My husband and I don’t even like doing date nights or leaving our kids. So that point I have to disagree with her as being a sign of attachment problems.
As someone that does have a degree in this field what she probably means is when the child makes no distinction between being comfortable with a stranger and being comfortable with their own mother. That obviously is concerning.
My children were all breastfed, I was a sahm. Only 1 of 5 had difficulty going to the nursery or Sunday school. I feel like we'll attached, yet not codependent children, go happily to class. It seems like if you are overly bonded or leaving them too often they cry hysterically when they are left. You want attachment, but not a child who thinks their world will end if you leave them for short amounts of time.
I really appreciated my dad's take report card. He would say I don't care about letter grade but I would like to see that the effort grade is a 1 or 2. I think that took a whole load of burden of me. I was good student but I did struggle cause I did have multitude of learning disabilities. I would say I am successful in life now cause success was never a measure if I failed or was successful it was that I tried. So if I did fail it was dust off and tried again that was the success.
What about Sunday school? Should we wait until they turn 3 to take them to Sunday school too? Or is there a recommended limit on the amount of time they should be at the Sunday School (daycare) while mom and dad go to the service/classes etc?
Thanks!!!!
My oldest bot got into a lot of trouble in Sunday school between 1 and 3. He just wasn't ready to sit and color and follow instructions etc. Then he got labeled as naughty when he was simply a boy and a preschooler.
Yes she talks about boys being mis diagnosed all the time and even medicated to make them sit when they need to be active and learning through experiential play. I wouldn’t leave my son until 5 unless he was very comfortable with the care taker
(42:23) Frustration tolerance comes from play. _Free play and imaginary play helps to develop the right brain. Which then helps them to deal with the frustration tolerance necessary to learn. For cognitive learning you have to be able to tolerate a lot of frustration. Frustration tolerance and emotional regulation come from the right brain_
-Erica Komisar
(1:02:18) _Until they're six years old they need to just play_
(1:06:34) _Children who are given a very good base of social emotional play in the beginning are long-term, sustainable, more successful learners than the children who were forced to learn so early. Because what happens is they have breakdowns_
(1:12:52) _Any high school that gives homework that takes your child > 2 hours, pull your child out from there_
Can’t find her book… is it called Second Chances?! Please clarify this!! Thanks ❤
No. Chicken little sky isn’t falling - title of her book.
Also “Being There”
My oldest is 21. I've let him down again and again. I don't feel forgiven by him and that makes it hard to forgive myself
We all let our kids down because we just aren’t perfect. Assuming you’ve asked for forgiveness, your son is responsible to forgive and it is not your responsibility. I’m praying God gives your heart peace.
Pray and study your Bible, develop a closer relationship with the Lord ❤ It can both help you and help your son if he can see the way you produce the fruit of the spirit and change your life. It's harder, but you can still lead by example at least somewhat. ❤
My father let me down a lot, I forgive him but it's clear he can't forgive himself. He talks about guilt a lot and is an angry person. I'm in my 30s with my own kids. Sadly he's recently become very toxic. He's easily triggered, I know it's because he feels bad deep down. I can't have that around my kids is the thing. But I do forgive him, I hope he gets better. (He's also addicted to weed, I never thought that was possible, I used to smoke with him, but no....he's addicted and it's melting his brain). 😢
My mother murdered my grandmother who raised me more than she ever did. It was heart wrenching and I still work on forgiving her regularly. I do but then the feelings of upset rise back up. But I understand she was damaged and made her choices...I don't have to let it keep me down.
I think we are often surprised by what we can forgive and also who can forgive us. It can take patience and repetition. And faith in the Lord always helps ❤
She lost me when she started talking about a 14 year old knowing whether they're heterosexual or not. Absolutely absurd.
Also, I went to a pretty decently sized Jr High & High School in the 90s & I don't know of anyone taking their own life willingly.
Edit: I learned a lot at a very young age. When I got into public school in 2nd grade, I knew most of the material already (multiplication & cursive, for example). Getting stalled education hindered my growth more than anything. What's also stunting is putting age barriers around what a child is taught & when or how. Kids can learn so much in the right environment & with the right timing based on their interest level.
Hello Lila Rose, not sure if you follow The Father Leo Show but he did a show for mother's day called Modern Day Attack on Women, Men In Women's Bathrooms, Significance of Mothers & Embracing Femininity on youtube. Hopefully you have him on your show soon.
When my parents divorced my young brother was 5 and that broke him forever. He never recovered it…. I was 7 and o tried to commit suicide if that would bring them together…. I always missed my daddy and he divorced from us too. If we loved my
Mom for him
Meant we hated him. So he abandoned us. My mom did the Same thing once my dad took my brothers with him and didn’t let us see them for years.
So what if school is compulsory to start by the age of 6 yo here in Sydney Australia. Does that mean we don't take our kids to kindergarten at 5? Or would the school system 'force' them to start year 1 without any skills?
Homeschool
@@ekatrinyanot possible in every country. It’s not allowed in Germany for example & mandatory ‚school‘ starts at age three in France I believe.
My child was to be in school by 6 also, at 5 he was set for Kindergarten at a school we didn't trust. We already caught serious abuse we could do nothing about...(Sexual and physical), when we removed him we got threats from the school but we said our attorney could speak with them further if they didn't understand our child is not the required age and their harassing us is inappropriate...that we will have our child in school through other means by the required age. (Which was 4 months away and we didn't have an attorney LOL).
They left us alone. I didn't know homeschool was legal....this is in the USA. But we did find a charter school. It was a decent bridge to fully homeschooling later. Which has been an amazing blessing. ❤
So I'm sorry, idk about AU but I hope it's similar in that you can homeschool....or at least use Charter school. Even until a certain age if that's your thing. But if you send them later you might need them to test in.
In the USA my homeschooled special needs child is at or above grade level in some spots, and below in others, because our public school system is so terrible. But it's a trend on the internet to make fun of it.... because most homeschooled children test better. There are also statistics that most successful entrepreneurs either had a GED vs diploma...or they were homeschooled.
Here in the US public k-12 wasn't something pushed onto the general public until the 50s. So that's a whole other topic....but it's something to think about. ❤
@@tany197Creepy. I'm so glad I don't live in one of those places. For many reasons. 😢
If only DCF worked the way it was supposed to. My husband and I were trying to fight for his daughter, but lawyers told us it was a waste of time and money. The school called DCF and yet the daughter was always returned to the dysfunctional abusive mother. Years later, we realized the system is broken and my stepdaughter just accepted her life with her mom. She was suicidal in her late teens and now has nothing to do with her mother. It’s tragic.
Hope you're enjoying your time on maternity leave, Lila! Asking for the intercession of holy parents Saint Louis Martin and Saint Zelie Martin, and their daughter Thérèse of Lisieux, to ask our Lord Jesus for Him to help with healing! Hope you have a light-filled peaceful energetic day with your energetic daughter and the rest of your wonderful family!
The intercession of the saints is not Christian. It's anti-Biblical. Pray to the father as Jesus taught his disciples to, as he taught all of us to in the Word. To pray to other saints (all believers are saints) is blasphemic
I wish someone would challenge her about her argument fathers and mothers are both unique in their effects and vitally necessary, as there are many in media arguing now that samesex couples and single mothers by choice are proving it isn’t true and it isn’t necessary. I really want to hear her perspective on this which she’s alluded too.
No same sex couples have proven that to be true....if you only look at surface level and don't think critically and can't recognize signs of abuse/neglect then I can see where you might be tricked into buying into that .....😢
It's been proven through human history that the ideal, for the optimum level of health a child would have two optimally healthy parents, meaning two healthy heterosexual parents.
So do you want to argue two healthier homosexual vs two less healthy heterosexual...ok...but the thing is it's much more likely the heterosexual couple will be from a better starting point. I used to be pansexual and a major advocate in the LGBT community. I grew up with close family that was LGBT, even in relationships over two decades ....by they were toxic long term relationships.
So I would also love to see more explained about this topic. I agree with you there. They could discuss biology, psychology, sociology....and provide the plentiful evidence for why it's important to have a mother and a father present in the home.
Unfortunately many people have a deep hate for what is objectively true when it doesn't align with their implicit bias. The video might not even be able to stay up on YT if it's primary topic is that.....
Are you saying a mother and father are necessary or are not necessary?
The effect of having 2 fathers instead of a mother and 2 mothers instead of a father cannot be quantified nor can the impact be measured visibly. The absence of a mother or father during developmental stages and later stages affects the person very seriously in the adult life but sadly the individual who never had either a mother or a father in his life will never understand that he lacks something due to the said absence.
@@sibikuruvilla1142 I think their heart understands something is missing and the person will grieve. Just think how much many adopted children struggle. This is deeper.
I’m a little confused about one thing, maybe someone can help me understand.
My daughter is very obviously securely attached, but she loves to smile at people and she loves anyone who talks to her, so she’s very social to even strangers. She’s 5 months old. I stay home with her and I’m quite attentive plus we have a great bond, but because Erika said baby’s aren’t supposed to like strangers it has me up in my head wondering if I messed up somewhere??
Five months old...not years? I'd hard to tell what attachment an infant has.....it will be important to pay attention as she gets older for sure. Good you're looking into it now. I studied psychology and didn't realize how far off I was when my child was born, because I hadn't raised kids and was depressed so I was overwhelmed. My depression causes attachment issues in my child. I wish I had accepted salvation earlier (non-denominational Christian for 7 years now! Since my first child was about 4 years old).
I didn't personally have time for 2 hours of video when my child was an infant, though he didn't sleep for long without needing a feeding and I was utterly exhausted with no help.
Unfortunately when he was a toddler, I left him occasionally with toxic manipulative family and that combined with my depression led to an attachment disorder.
He is also special needs, but he will just go up to other people. Diagnosed with ASD though we've questioned it since the beginning. There's definitely some significant issue. He will just go up to random people sometimes too....and yeah it hurts because it's probably due to his attachment. Though we've worked on our bonding... Because he has a harder time understanding boundaries it's not like it's easy to un-do.
It's also very different from being friendly and outgoing. I'm talking about he goes UP to people and will sit right next to them, and touch them etc. He wouldn't leave with people than goodness .....it seems ....but he gets way toi close and thinks people who aren't paying attention are actually engaging with him.
When they do pay attention, especially peers, he tends to run away or self harm etc. Sadly this is....he's comfortable with adults as he's mostly been around adults. When he was young our only family was toxic, his cousins literally tried to murder him..... I was in poverty with my husband too, and we were about 5 miles walking to the nearest park, almost as far to a bus stop.... Which even the bus was expensive to us....
Let alone trying to bring an infant on a bus alone and when my health was not good. I had an auto immune disorder triggered by pregnancy.
But I spent every moment with my little one that I could. I legitimately was excited for any new development....so when we had our first date of an hour, when my child was about 8 months old....first time away....it wasn't fun.
So while we had lots of bonding, and still do... the fact that not many other kids could be around and that I was too depressed to be happy all the time....and my child could feel that. I didn't have post partom, I was so in love with my baby, but being poor, with a husband that seemed to hate me, and that was barely around....living with family that treated me like Cinderella....yeah...kids pick up on that stuff.
Your child could have no attachment issues whatsoever. Or they might...but you wouldn't know until they are older anyway. They need plenty of personal close contact, and caring about who they are....but also time with peers that is healthy and not unsafe. My child is very happy vs his peers too....but he does have those signs of attachment issues. Also putting him in preschool at 3-4 years old was NOT healthy. 😢 But I didn't know better.
Sorry if TMI, it's an emotional subject! I wish you and baby the best❤
My 2nd son is this way, very happy and smiley, I’ve always just assumed it’s because, I, myself, am the same way in personality, so he’s watched me.
He’s 2 now and still will smile at anyone, but won’t run up to people, atleast go to people without me there and holding his hand.
I’d say in this case, I don’t feel your baby is detached, she probably is watching how you react with others, but at 5 months, I don’t feel the stranger danger aspect really kicks in until about a year, so just keep doing what you’re doing. It sounds like you’re doing everything right 🤍
Babies don't like strangers who look very different to them. Like a black baby who has never seen a white person. My friend wore a hat and glasses and my baby would freak out. They get afraid again at the separation anxiety phase. You probably just have a social butterfly on your hands. My friend had to keep an eye on her oldest daughter because she was pretty sure she'd go home with anyone.
I'm finding here and in Amazon reviews that she provokes a lot of fear in mothers about attachment issues. This is one of her alarm bells. I don't agree at all that an extroverted, sociable baby is a sign of lack of attachment with the parent. I don't agree at all. You can look up the symptoms of the condition called RAD, reactive attachment disorder. This issue will cause the child to be drawn to new people over the parents. Buy this is seen mostly in children who have literally been abandoned in orohanages.
@@RCGWho That makes sense. Because in every other way, my baby is super obviously securely attached, without a doubt. She just really enjoys when other people talk to her and she likes to smile at them, but at the end of the day she does prefer my presence or me holding her most. I also read somewhere else that if a baby is comfortable with strangers while mom is present, that’s actually a sign of secure attachment so that’s why Erika was really confusing to me.
I do not allow homework in our home.
My oldest is in kindergarten and I told his teacher I will not make him do the homework that’s sent home. Her response was “good for you! I just have to give it, but it’s not required.” So many parents don’t realize they can say no! 😵💫 he did it one week because he wanted to, but that’s it. His school is lovely, but even still, I’m in the throes of researching switching to homeschool for him and my 3 younger kids (when the time comes).
@LindsayS_TX Exactly most Parents don't realize we can say no to vaccines as well. My oldest had a major seizure after the mmr and his brain swelled. He got severe nerve damage and immediately showed signs of autism....stopped talking, wanting to be touched, and it would be years before he could look at us in our eyes again. I got a waiver from the health department for our next child. She's never had a shot and she'll be in 6th grade next year. She's never been seriously ill, unlike my vaccinated Sons who were in and out of the Drs
@LindsayS_TX also kids go to school 8 hours a day. Home is for building relationships with Family and friends, having rest, and recreation. It's not a place to bring work or school. There needs to be a clear separation. I don't bring work home either...I'm done at a certain time. This idea of working hard is unethical if it causes us to forfeit other important things in life
@@justice4all977wow I’m so sorry to hear about that. Good for you for recognizing there was a problem and fighting to do what was best for your kids! I actually also have a son with autism and another of my children started having seizures after her first round of infant vaccines. In our particular case my concern was with the number of shots at once (she responded poorly to them and I think the stress may have triggered the epilepsy phenotype of the gene mutation she has- she got it from me but I don’t have seizures, only migraines). Since that, I only allow one (MAYBE two) shots at a time. For us personally this has been a good solution and I’m thankful my pediatrician is supportive and understanding. I definitely question a lot more now than I ever did before.
Do you also homeschool?
Dr. Komisar's advice seems very self-centric, from how to manage tantrums to healing yourself rather than repairing relationships. She has a lot of great information, but I don't think she's quite on the target in some areas.
Okay, time for me to be a negative Nancy. I have to say, I am quite sceptical about this guest. It's took me two weeks to get around to listening to it, and now I have I can't even stomach making it through the whole interview.
First of all, I think if you really want to get a parenting expert on to the podcast, it would be much better to get that mum who has a whole tribe of kids… I'm thinking of one mum blogger who has 12… 3 of them are adults who are now leading independent adult lives… Then getting some therapist on who has written books and everything but I wonder how much actual practical experience she has caring for children. what I mean by that is how much practical experience does she actually have in being a hands-on mother rather than a therapist.
Secondly, I have learnt to have a healthy amount of scepticism when it comes to therapist generally. I think what people like Erica and other therapists do is they always try and make normal human emotions and human behaviours into some sort of need for therapy. It's their way of staying in business. constantly harping on about what attachment in ", which I'm not saying is it real, but making a big deal of it and putting the fear of "God" into mothers is no doubt going to create a new client base for her. Whether it is the mothers them selves because of the amount of stress she puts them under, or children their children as future clients because they think they have a "attachment disorder" or they self diagnose themselves with one. I just get the feeling that, Michael therapist, she is insuring that she has future clients and that her industry has a future. Sorry for the scepticism but I do have a healthy amount of scepticism for these sorts of therapists.
Also, this podcast claims to be a Christian podcast. Yes so much of the advice that the therapist gives is clearly not biblical. I wish you would get a truly Christian parents who has lots of kids like I talked about earlier on to the podcast. Those mums of large families truly are real parenting expert. So what if they don't have all the latest brain science which I think is questionable sometimes anyway? They have the hands on practical knowledge and experience of motherhood that is so valuable. it is true that the word discipline comes from discipleship. But, at the same time, there are times and places where punitive consequences for a child's actions are actually necessary. What Erica fails to see is that parenting is not all about "being empathetic to emotions and responsive to emotions at all time". Yes there is that element and I think it is important to be emotionally and available and present to children. But at the same time, children have to be able to function in the adult world when they are adults. The point of parents is to prepare them for that adult world while in a loving and supportive environment. Constantly pandering to emotions is not going to do that. I personally think it is a good idea for children to sometimes experience the negative emotions of not always being understood and not always having their emotions being responded to correctly. That is how things are in the real adult world. The harsh reality is that the adult world doesn't care about your emotions and is not going to do something like what Erica suggested… like saying no and then having to help the child work through the emotions that no brings up. The adult world will not do that. Employer will not sit down with his employee and work through the emotions that come up for that employee when he says no. A policeman will not sit down with someone who has been pulled over for a traffic stop and work through the emotions of the no they have been given. That is the reality of the adult world. A child has to be able to take a parents know and know that that know is final. They have to be able to cope with the emotions of that. I think Erica is so wrapped up and being empathetic and all emotionally sensitive that she forgets about what parenting actually is… Raising competent, stable adults that are able to cope with the rigours of the adult world.
Having said all that, I'm not against being emotionally presents to children and I obviously believe in that. Parenting where it is all discipline and boundaries and no walks is clearly not good either. Parenting where the parent is the child's best friend rather than the child's parents and the adult in charge is no good either. What I'm saying is there needs to be a mixture of emotional warmth and connectivity with also preparing children for the rigours of the adult world that they will one-day have to enter. I think there is a happy medium dare… Being the "bad cock" who has to sit boundaries and limitations, and sometimes even providing punitive consequences for breaching set boundaries, but without being a jerk about doing so. There is a happy medium there. Obviously back in the day that was too much going to the authoritarian side. Erica is going too far to the other side. Please get a real parenting expert… Mum of say 12 kids or something… Onto your podcast Who actually has practical experience of caring for and raising a lot of children. Also, if the brain doesn't stop developing until 25 years old, why in times gone by in previous historical periods where are people taking on adult responsibilities much more competently in at a younger age? I think it's more likely that in those days children's brains were allowed to develop as children were exposed to harsher environments and had to take on responsibilities younger. I think now that children's brains are just not given what's the need to develop earlier than 25. Even young adults these days are infantilise. Not really surprising people's brains are having trouble developing properly.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts - you make some great points! Who is the mommy blogger you referenced with 12 kids?
@@LilaRosePodcast hi there. Here is the Mummy blogger I referenced. She also has a UA-cam Channel. She is not Catholic, she is IFB, but she shares a lot of wisdom. She covers lots of subjects, but she doesn't sugar coat difficult issues. Her husband is a controversial pastor in Arizona and I don't care at all for his work. I don't like him, and I'm honest about it. But her mummy stuff is great and, after raising 12 kids, 3 to adulthood, there's so much wisdom there. If I was having a baby and near to her I'd pick her brains any day. We don't have to agree with their theology or like the husband. But definitely worth a read.
Her written blog
stevenandersonfamily.blogspot.com/
YT channel
www.youtube.com/@AreTheyAllYours/featured
Good luck.
@@LilaRosePodcast Oh and sorry for the mistakes. I was using dictate through Siri to type my initial comment and we know Siri doesn't listen. I'm on my laptop now typing with my fingers. Sorry about that.
today's parents are too permissive and creating issues for kids and teachers who need to do the patenting. it is a nightmare
me and the daddy are going out for dinner tonight! ua-cam.com/video/tHX0nP8P7ZI/v-deo.html
I hope Lila knows Erica is pro abortion, she has actually a paper supporting abortion. She says she is a "pro-wanted life".
Funny she is concerned with attachment when she’s pro abortion. If you have it in you to end your baby in utero, you will definitely not have good attachment capabilities.
oh my god, she is deleting comments
😮
All UA-cam creators can set certain words that automatically don't post, she's probably not individually deleting stuff.
and?
Yt bots actually delete stuff all the time, especially if it's controversial issues. Use intentional misspellings if that's the issue.
I don’t like her comments about the mentally ill. There are plenty of parents with mental illness who are good parents.
This lady isn’t biblical so good bye to her. Not listening to her. She basically saying it’s better to divorce than work through difficult marital problems. Jesus never said to divorce if you’re having conflict. This lady is just another scientist who forgets the word of God. I was listening, but she lost me. Good bye 👋🏼
Only commenting for other people to know this comment is not accurate. She discusses this around minute 48 and urges adults to work through issues as children grow the best in households with two committed parents. That is the ideal. Minute 55 for reiteration.
are her books avialable in Europe?