I've been greatly enjoying your videos. I was told I am autistic last year at the age of 57, so am at a similar stage to you. So much you say here resonates. I've been able to keep a career for over 30 years but never reached the heights I could, because of my inability to network. But now I have a diagnosis and am winding down to retirement there is no reason for me to continue to mask - so I don't. My boss was taken aback by my sudden total refusal to attend conferences and other things that always stressed me. And, like you, I am seeing glimpses of the younger me again. Geeky interests I once hid because of trying to fit in have had a proud resurgence. I am very lucky in that my wife and the two ladies I work alongside had always suspected I am autistic but have always been kind and supportive. Keep posting - you express the feelings better than I could.
This is wonderful that you are getting glimpses of the younger you again! Thank you for sharing. I have often berated myself for not being able to network at work, but now I am realising that I can network, just not in the way that everyone else expects. I build working relationships more slowly and more gently, but looking back they seem to last and benefit both parties. However, that does also mean I don't get anywhere fast. Oh well!
So relatable. I have always struggled to gauge if people even understand me masked. Now its this x 1000. As I am finally able to understand myself others are drifting even further away. A few years ago I thought my goal was acceptance of myself. I now feel that being understood by others is essential for this self acceptance. Not loved, admired etc. Just understood.
Yes! Just understood! I think the more we talk about this and the more awareness grows then that will lead to a more understanding society. It will take time though.
I hear so much of myself in you and in all the comments here. So many autistic spaces have 20s and 30s in them mostly, which there is nothing wrong with them, it's just at 55 I'm in a different part of life. I find myself putting on a mask just without even thinking about it, but then I find myself rehearsing how to act to have my mask "off" in the situation and I think that's just masking as well. Somewhere in there is me, but it's scary to dig down to find the unmasked me.
I agree, it is scary and I feel like I take one step forward and twenty steps back! It's very complicated as you've mentioned, when are we not masking? Can we even tell anymore?
social chaos will definitely lead to more meltdowns. prepare to lose people who were benefitting from your people pleasing without reciprocity. I've heard that overall, our relationships will deepen and improve with the people who love us for who we are, not who we were pretending to be. and our relationship with ourselves will also improve as we learn self protection and self care. authenticity wins.
Thank you for talking about this! It's scary to unmask and show your authenticity, I think i will receive more negativity but I'm not sure yet because I haven't interacted with that many people. I want to be honest with what I think and feel because I've suppressed it all my life. I was very quiet in school because of RSD and also not understanding I'm audhd. I think I will be having more conflicts because I don't want to waste energy on making people like me. I've become better at advocatong for my needs and questioning authority when I feel like I'm being controlled. It's really hard to unmask but also very freeing. It's very comforting listening to other people talking about unmasking and what we go through.
This is wonderful that you are now advocating more for your own needs and not accepting behaviour that feels insincere, however, I totally agree that is hard work to unmask. However, I hold hope that it will pay off. It's a strange experience to unmask but a liberating one! Thank you for sharing your experience too!
It is scary to find oneself stripped of well-established and familiar markers of identity and behaviour, both one's own and others'; however I think this is directly linked to the return of unfettered joy i.e. the reward for vulnerability is a renewed sense of belonging/homecoming within oneself. Personally, since my late diagnosis two years ago, I'm surprised to find myself so unapologetically self-isolating; part of me feels similarly unshackled yet I've no desire to share that with the world. I feel that I've done my part, served my purpose as a member of a society that never understood me or appreciated my efforts anyway, and I am now free of social obligation: At last, I get to rest, and to be left alone. That's all I ever really wanted; but after the constant struggle to get by and play along for decades, the new *stillness*/calm of late diagnosed unmasking still feels strange, like I don't know how I got here. So, while not quite in my twilight years (unless there's any truth to autistic life span being far shorter than average), I find myself exploring a vertiginous, surreal twilight zone of unfamiliar contexts. Actually it reminds me of the pre-cogs in Minority Report: Freed of their traumatic job at last, they retire to a rustic cabin on a remote island and spend their days reading books. That's basically my idea of "happily ever after" but I never thought I'd achieve it.
I love your description of it being the Twilight Zone! I can very much relate to that. And also the Minority Report. I long to live in the hills but near an accessible road so I can dip into society if/when I want. I am so glad you are moving into living the life that you choose for yourself and apologetically!
@TheGreatReveal (Fun fact I just learned last night: Kathryn Morris, who played the wife of the protagonist, has twin autistic sons.) Agreed, ready access to the world is a necessary amenity for solitary living, particularly as one ages. The challenges and obstacles of rural culture aren't readily compatible with my autism (I do not suffer rednecks gladly) but fortunately there's more land than people. 🙂
I've been greatly enjoying your videos. I was told I am autistic last year at the age of 57, so am at a similar stage to you.
So much you say here resonates. I've been able to keep a career for over 30 years but never reached the heights I could, because of my inability to network.
But now I have a diagnosis and am winding down to retirement there is no reason for me to continue to mask - so I don't.
My boss was taken aback by my sudden total refusal to attend conferences and other things that always stressed me.
And, like you, I am seeing glimpses of the younger me again. Geeky interests I once hid because of trying to fit in have had a proud resurgence.
I am very lucky in that my wife and the two ladies I work alongside had always suspected I am autistic but have always been kind and supportive.
Keep posting - you express the feelings better than I could.
This is wonderful that you are getting glimpses of the younger you again! Thank you for sharing. I have often berated myself for not being able to network at work, but now I am realising that I can network, just not in the way that everyone else expects. I build working relationships more slowly and more gently, but looking back they seem to last and benefit both parties. However, that does also mean I don't get anywhere fast. Oh well!
💗
So relatable. I have always struggled to gauge if people even understand me masked. Now its this x 1000. As I am finally able to understand myself others are drifting even further away. A few years ago I thought my goal was acceptance of myself. I now feel that being understood by others is essential for this self acceptance. Not loved, admired etc. Just understood.
Yes! Just understood! I think the more we talk about this and the more awareness grows then that will lead to a more understanding society. It will take time though.
I hear so much of myself in you and in all the comments here. So many autistic spaces have 20s and 30s in them mostly, which there is nothing wrong with them, it's just at 55 I'm in a different part of life. I find myself putting on a mask just without even thinking about it, but then I find myself rehearsing how to act to have my mask "off" in the situation and I think that's just masking as well. Somewhere in there is me, but it's scary to dig down to find the unmasked me.
I agree, it is scary and I feel like I take one step forward and twenty steps back! It's very complicated as you've mentioned, when are we not masking? Can we even tell anymore?
social chaos will definitely lead to more meltdowns. prepare to lose people who were benefitting from your people pleasing without reciprocity. I've heard that overall, our relationships will deepen and improve with the people who love us for who we are, not who we were pretending to be. and our relationship with ourselves will also improve as we learn self protection and self care. authenticity wins.
I absolutely agree, being authentic is so important!
Thank you for talking about this! It's scary to unmask and show your authenticity, I think i will receive more negativity but I'm not sure yet because I haven't interacted with that many people. I want to be honest with what I think and feel because I've suppressed it all my life. I was very quiet in school because of RSD and also not understanding I'm audhd. I think I will be having more conflicts because I don't want to waste energy on making people like me. I've become better at advocatong for my needs and questioning authority when I feel like I'm being controlled. It's really hard to unmask but also very freeing. It's very comforting listening to other people talking about unmasking and what we go through.
This is wonderful that you are now advocating more for your own needs and not accepting behaviour that feels insincere, however, I totally agree that is hard work to unmask. However, I hold hope that it will pay off. It's a strange experience to unmask but a liberating one! Thank you for sharing your experience too!
It is scary to find oneself stripped of well-established and familiar markers of identity and behaviour, both one's own and others'; however I think this is directly linked to the return of unfettered joy i.e. the reward for vulnerability is a renewed sense of belonging/homecoming within oneself.
Personally, since my late diagnosis two years ago, I'm surprised to find myself so unapologetically self-isolating; part of me feels similarly unshackled yet I've no desire to share that with the world. I feel that I've done my part, served my purpose as a member of a society that never understood me or appreciated my efforts anyway, and I am now free of social obligation: At last, I get to rest, and to be left alone. That's all I ever really wanted; but after the constant struggle to get by and play along for decades, the new *stillness*/calm of late diagnosed unmasking still feels strange, like I don't know how I got here.
So, while not quite in my twilight years (unless there's any truth to autistic life span being far shorter than average), I find myself exploring a vertiginous, surreal twilight zone of unfamiliar contexts. Actually it reminds me of the pre-cogs in Minority Report: Freed of their traumatic job at last, they retire to a rustic cabin on a remote island and spend their days reading books. That's basically my idea of "happily ever after" but I never thought I'd achieve it.
I love your description of it being the Twilight Zone! I can very much relate to that. And also the Minority Report. I long to live in the hills but near an accessible road so I can dip into society if/when I want. I am so glad you are moving into living the life that you choose for yourself and apologetically!
@TheGreatReveal (Fun fact I just learned last night: Kathryn Morris, who played the wife of the protagonist, has twin autistic sons.) Agreed, ready access to the world is a necessary amenity for solitary living, particularly as one ages. The challenges and obstacles of rural culture aren't readily compatible with my autism (I do not suffer rednecks gladly) but fortunately there's more land than people. 🙂