The Narcissism Commonly Associated With Being Nice
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- Опубліковано 30 тра 2023
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In this video, we explore some of the common misunderstandings and consequences of being 'nice.'
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Growing up abused and being constantly told you’re bad, you become obsessed with being good, (seeking approval and validation).
Oof 💯
it sure it until you go wild, wily, aloof and a rebel ! I seek no approval from muggles or moronic humans validation , they are nothing but zombies/sheep. do not care !
felt
we live to balance everything ultimatelly.
And being driven to appease people in the hopes that they would hurt you less 🤦♀️
I was bullied everyday for years of my childhood. I was the only brown kid at an all white school and I believed that if people didn’t like who I was on the outside, I needed to overcompensate by being nice. I did everything I could do gain other peoples approval, doing their homework for them, giving them my last bag of chips, helping them cheat on the test, etc. Eventually I learned that if I gave people what they wanted, they would be nice to me. It worked and the bullying lessened. I’m 23 now and I realize that a lot of my friendships are one sided. I feel heartbroken but I’m ready to be free of this curse. This video touched me, thank you so much.
Your story is very relatable and it's reminiscent to my life as well, I've been bullied through out my formative years, then I act nice to please everyone and a survival technique to avoid getting bullied, it works well. But the downside is creating shallow friendships and often one sided relationships. Right now my friends only remember me if they want something from me like I'm a google search bar or a charity foundation. It sucks
I’m brown myself (Asian) and relate to this a lot. I’m 22 and had to come to terms with the fact that it was a coping mechanism. That’s why I always had a negative view of friendships, because I never realised that I was always in a one sided one.
I'm asian and I was also the only non white person in my class, i was bullied too. I did the opposite of you, was pretty distant and completely uninterested in impressing people around me, part of the reason why I was bullied was because I rejected people who wanted to be my friend because I didn't want to be anyones pet and most of all I wasnt interested in being their friend. I'm a year younger than you and I've softened up a bit too much for my liking, because I guess I feared that I was maybe isolating myself. I think its important to strive to be true to yourself, if that looks like kindness then there is no shame in being kind. Just be true.
@@tcrijwanachoudhury are you Bengali by any chance?
I grew up in the same situation. Only Indian kid in a predominantly white/Hispanic/Christian town. Growing up I hated my own skin color and wished I was white. It took me a long time to be comfortable with my own skin color and when I was, I was extremely angry at society for making me be ashamed of my own skin color. That was a while ago. Now, at 29, I just give due deference to the people who treated me like a normal human being along the way and the people I meet who do the same as well
You can’t please everyone. The person we owe authenticity to first and foremost is ourselves
O.o True. Many enemies out there. The enemy of my enemy is my partial friend. Most people are non-vegans, debunked and extreme religious and material atheist dogmatic people, two-party puppet lovers (against the Founding Fathers), the fake "Federal" Reserve, etc.
I need to start doing this.
I saw this as egoistic for long and hated that it feels so good for me and that it benefits me and the people around me the most. So I became a peoplepleaser until I gave up on it and lived an authentic life again and listened to my own needs in first place again
As a retired restaurateur, nice is hard to pull off around people who are not worthy. In the capitalists matrix, we lap up whatever comes our way to have “good reviews”, it’s a MindFck.
To offer up another perspective, I’d have to disagree that the one we owe our authenticity to first and foremost is ourselves. The one we owe our authenticity to first and foremost is God, for if that is done, we are already on track to be offering up our purest character to others, and standing more steadfast in truth in our own being. If we just focus on ourselves first, we lose all of our virtue, because that which is conscious of itself as virtuous, is not virtuous. It’s not been said for thousands of years, that pride comes before the fall, for no reason.
Being nice is okay until you realise people start taking advantage of you.
Yep. I realized it.
This is my boyfriend to a T. I can’t count how many of his “friends” were never really his friends, bc as soon as he stopped bending over backwards for them (like helping every time they asked but the one time he asked for help, they’re nowhere to be found and get mad at him for even asking) and forgiving their toxic behavior (like accusing him of cheating with their spouse, holding a knife to their neck) and stopped drinking (and they stopped coming over when that happened). Same thing happened with his previous boss. Just a complete douchebag to him to the point he literally told him to be an ottoman to put his feet on (thank god my bf didn’t do it but it became a joke at work how “Andy’s the footstool bc he will do anything you ask” - yeah you’re the boss he’s supposed to do what you ask when it comes to work stuff).
It’s sad, people use his niceness and his non confrontational attitude against him, and when we got together I am NOT like that at all and I’ll call someone out in a heartbeat. I’ll also explain my position and my actions so I’m not just bitching to bitch but I’ll be damned if I see my guy get punished for being a nice guy.
Gah this was years ago and it still gets me fired up. His parents are the main reason he is this way, I have been trying to get him to be more vocal more assertive and more unafraid to speak the truth. Don’t lie just bc you’re afraid to hurt someone’s feelings … if it’s the truth, it isn’t wrong. It might be uncouth in certain situations but it’s not wrong to speak the truth.
I'm exactly like the boyfriend you described, and I am also a product of an effed up army upbringing. They call they dysfunction, "the scapegoat and the golden child" where one child can do no wrong and fail at nothing and the other children can do nothing right and must fail at everything.
I don't see Issue there
@@HeatherHolt I instantly thought Super Hero when I seen you're alliterative name Heather Holt, but now I feel you are one through you're words
Some of the kindest, nicest people, had been down the darkest paths.
Indeed, for this is what it takes to be genuinely nice and not just.. conform
My depression and suicidal thoughts definitely humbled me. You really dont know what others are going through.
So true.. if one only knew what I’ve been thru. I still am nice. Although lately my health is declining.. so I have to be honest now.. I’m ready
The Road to Hell is Paved with good intentions!
Without darkness, you can’t have light.. because how do you really know, if never being enveloped by darkness? Experience is key
“I DON’T NEED A FRIEND WHO CHANGES WHEN I CHANGE AND WHO NODS WHEN I NOD; MY SHADOW DOES THAT MUCH BETTER.” (PLUTARCH)
As an autistic person, I took the rule “being nice“ very seriously and also as an autistic girl I got very good at masking. I basically just went along with what everyone wanted me to do. I didn’t have needs or wants. I was quiet when they wanted me to be and I would always agree with everyone and I didn’t really have a sense of self. I thought everyone knew better and I shouldn’t think for myself. Im glad I’ve learned to be me and not let other people push me around
Stopped reading after I seen autistic
@@IMSLIMEFR ogey
I need to learn this. Also asd
I'm questioning whether or not I might be slightly autistic. I definitely can empathize and understand how you grew up, I feel i was very similar. It's harder now to question whether it's my interest or just to keep a relationship happy.
Autism I feel can be healed as its mostly trauma and having no good role models to learn correct social societal behaviors. You're probably pretty smart and use escapism alot. All of us people that the world deems autistic will eventually find the light. Patterns of behavior can be changed and change is the only authentic thing there is.
Main message: be nice but honest because it benefits YOU in the long run
This is the same platitude and contradiction that the narrator warns about
And others 😊
The sad part is that while well meaning people suffer and have to learn this lesson after years of being nice, the ones who don't suffer and never have are usually terribly selfish people not evolved enough to watch videos like this but at the same time its like what they're already doing just magically and naturally works. Theres a certain level of corruption and selfishness it seems a person has to have in order to function and thrive in this world. Some of us just don't belong here.
I think the whole point of the vid is that there is a certain level of corruption and selfishness to being nice instead of honest/kind
Yeah the language in the video is way too vague. What does any of it even mean? Certain people will easily justify their bad behavior as "Well I can't be nice to everyone!" But that's not a good reason if you're cutting off someone in traffic or if you're taking advantage of someone.
@michaelbarker6460 i think the simplest way to put it is if being nice to someone else comes at the expense of being nice to yourself, you're coming from a place of blindly people pleasing instead of being an active participant who wants what's best for all parties, including yourself.
You’re on to something but haven’t quite worded it clearly. I wish you would try again because I think what you say is very important.
@@carpballeti've given this some thought and the only way I could think of rewording it would be to say that people who don't suffer the curse of niceness, or who already know the value of being more selfish and quote unquote "assertive", don't suffer for being nice and selfless - because they aren't.. in fact they're terrible.. they don't suffer from being nice because they're NOT.. they're toxic and selfish... there's nothing good or well rounded about them, its just unbridled selfishness, which they hide behind words like "assertiveness" and things actually work in their favor because of it.. in other words, toxicity and selfishness pay off.. see, no one's making videos like this about the narcissism of selfishness, because selfishness is universally understood and respected and it works.. its only the narcissism of niceness which is bad and which is perceived as weakness because "look how they suffer in society as a result of their own doing".. and so niceness is an evil now. who'd have thought niceness to be narcissism? ive never been nice just to "put on a show" for others as the video implies is narcissism, but rather because I view others as I view myself: we're all in this life together, and I want to help and treat others as I'd like to be treated and to be respectful.. but selfish judgmental people don't see your niceness for what it is, they see it however they wanna see it out of selfishness because the selfish mind says they don't owe you any more thought than just whatever it looks like at first glance based on their subjective opinion - because in their minds they're always right, and besides, "self-love" and trust yourself.. hence videos like this exist.. so while the nice person suffers both at his own hands as well as the hands of others, taking the time to understand others perspectives and to view the world objectively, accepting they could be wrong and double checking as a result, the selfish person generally just doesn't suffer.. they just see the world and their actions however they choose, and get whatever they want by being self serving and manipulative, all the while justifying their actions along the way, even if it hurts others, but it never hurts them. in getting what they want though, there is no growth or maturity though.. nice people suffer, learn from it and grow, become well rounded, and for what reason I don't even know anymore, meanwhile selfish people make no growth but live life to the absolute fullest. so life rewards selfishness and thinking your above everyone basically, and punishes those who view the world as full of equals deserving of kindness and respect. given all my years of life so far, I've actually learned to be more selfish and self serving and honestly it works.. the less hard I work at jobs and the crappier the job I do, the less ive been bullied out of jobs and the less my work is criticized for not being good enough, and the more value what little I do actually has... the less I care to help customers, the more satisfied they seem, whereas before I cared so much and they were insatiable and angry and any little thing I did came across as a reason to scream how I just don't want to help them. Now I really honestly and truly don't want to help them, and I never hear anyone say that.. So strange.. the less I care what people think or if my actions affected them, the less people seem bothered by me, period. its a total paradox.. when I was younger, I tried so damn hard not to bother people and to be polite, and even just knowing i existed in another room somewhere, breathing, made me an annoyance to them and I would get cussed out later and yelled at by perpetually angry people for doing everything wrong and being such a screwup despite making every effort to hide from and avoid interacting with the world, period. now I intentionally make my presence known and intend to be abrasive and offensive and to not care how much havoc I wreak and even intentionally leave a little trail of destruction everywhere I go, and what a miracle - I get what I want.. what can I say? a world full of selfish people understand selfishness... and suddenly I'm not a bother anymore I'm someone to be respected and served.. this seems to be due more to an exchange of some kind of energy or luck or magic than actual logical or psychological sense but it works.. took many years of failure to get pushed to the point where I actually can act this way.. but I do, and it works.. the most selfish days i've lived, were the days the whole world lined up right behind me and for the first time acted just like I would expect them to: like sensible people.. the rest of my life I spent respecting others only to be used and abused and run into people who make no sense whatsoever.. doesnt mean I'm happy living that way though.. I always just wanted to be myself.. but i have to survive I guess
I needed this especially today, I tend to act nice because I don’t want things to escalate with people. Anyone reading this know that you are in control of yourself don’t let other people judge the way you act. If things escalate then take charge and stand your ground. Don’t be a dick but grow a backbone, think efficiently!
Don’t be a pushover! 👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽
Fr gotta grow a pair
Straight up brotha. Have you seen Finding Nemo? You and your kids might like it, churr.
^^TRUTH!!!^^
Yup, being nice doesn't mean being a pushover, but it also requires you to have the capability to be greatly destructive. If you are harmless, you aren't nice, you're just unable to be forceful. To be truly kind, you need to first be able to truly do harm, and then be wise about when not to use that harmfulness.
@SeanWinters This is what a responsible, & functional adult used to think on average.
Now, it's just us MAGA outliers who walk the Earth this way. We shall set our world back to functionality, whether by diplomacy, or by force. It is why God put us on this Earth, at this particular moment in our history.
We shall be our country's "New Founding Father's & Mothers!" (yes people, there's only 2 genders...dammit)
For a long time, I was nice up to my breaking point. I never gave signals about how my good graces were starting to disintegrate until there was an inevitable emotional eruption.
Stating explicit boundaries is what’s actually nice. Upholding boundaries is what helps keep people in your life, even when there’s conflict and disagreements to work around.
I've noticed that people become far more respectful toward you if you assert yourself, but if you've been too nice to them previously, especially if they've taken advantage, and then suddenly you start to assert yourself, they get angry about it.
@@PhilLesh69 exactly! I really stood up for myself these past two days, and they’ve tried to punish and threaten me for it. I’m glad I didn’t waiver, but it still feels like that too nice person is still in there, asking if I did the right thing. I know, hell yes, I did!!
@@PhilLesh69 Yes because you set your baseline as someone that can be taken advantage of, very simple.
You didnt reach your breaking point if you didnt.
@@Juliajulia-wz1iqKeep up the good work. I started that a month ago and trust me- it gets better after the initial shock.
I feel this deep within in my soul.
I was raised with the idea that being nice and having good manners matter a lot. I have a very "warm" demeanor towards other people and I try to keep everything in place. However by growing I started to notice that being nice, having good manners now it feels like a weakness somehow and I feel not appreciated at all. It feels that it doesnt matters at all, and I feel stuck into myself, amd rudeness feels more like a key to getting everything, and I end feeling like...stupid, out of place.
Its draining, and now as an adult I feel like I've lost the sense of direction.
Its just sad.
I just needed to let it out.
Are you me? You just described exactly what I been going through. I got burn out and now isolating myself for past year, stuck in life, tired of people.
@@eatnplaytoday Dear stranger on the internet, wherever you are I hope you'll be doing better soon. I had a some self isolation too but now after some time I feel appreciating myself again and it does feels a bit better. Always be yourself , everything you are makes you surely special.
It may sounds childish but...sending you a big virtual hug, the sun always shines again even after the darkest nights.
Hey, wow, that resonates so hard. I've felt that bitterness for a while, and I'm not even out of high school yet.
You can’t let the world change who you are, think of it as spreading positivity. You’ll always be remembered for that. The world and humans in general are fucked up.
You can’t let the world change who you are, think of it as spreading positivity. You’ll always be remembered for that. The world and humans in general are fucked up.😊
Realising this flaw in myself was the biggest revelation of my life, yes I've lost many friends due to being "changed" but what they don't know is that this is the real version of me, that actually cares about people around me and not just act nice so people would like me. Since then I've made constant improvement on myself and on how to control my ego so I can be REAL
Yes, keep going down your path, wish you the best
"what they don't know is that this is the real version of me that actually cares about people and not just act nice so people would like me" made a "click" in me haha. Definitely changes the perspective on oneself, too. Ty!
Don't be Nice. Be genuine and kind.
may i add only to those who deserve it. lots of fake motherfuckas that don't deserve your kindness, they suck your kindness in like a blackhole with their toxicity and leave you a pile of bones. Also have the strength to not become like them.
There is nice to manipulate an interaction and there is nice to show you genuinly care.
Learning WHY you are being nice will change the way you view yourself and the people around you.
I strive for kindness not niceness, I hate being nice. It feels invasive and self deceptive.
That was my thought, too, as I was listening to the video -- the issue isn't what you call it ("nice" vs. "kind"); the issue is the motivation for the behavior. Are you being nice/kind in order to get approval, to get "good reviews," to avoid having the person think ill of you? Or are you being nice/kind because you feel good and want to share it, because you want to help the person, or you genuinely feel warmth toward the person? Those are very different motivations. It's not the behavior (nice/kind); it's WHY you are doing it. That's what matters.
@@Arven8 Sarah’s comment motivated you to reply, correct? *YES/NO*
It’s a direct question not an argument.
@@R.A.A. Why do you ask?
Yes, Sarah’s comment motivated me.
No, Sarah’s comment didn’t motivate me.
@@Arven8
I realised that on my own when I had my worst emotional outburst. The last thing I was holding to were my friends but then one closest friend sabotaged and betrayed, I was drunk and in the outburst I realised it was not first time he was doing so, it was always but being *NICE & people pleaser* I blinded myself with self doubt. It felt like all thread ties with world took a snap, it’s all around me now. I am the one who I have to hold and become strength of. I bad a great lesson which could change me in a profound way, I do more of introspect now and can take better initiative with people as I look through them. Grateful for each lesson.
This channel has gotten me through the darkest of times. And probably saved my life.
SERIOUSLY!!!!! I truly have pity for all of the BILLIONS who have not seen this channel. THIS is what the internet is all about.
Strength is within. Your senses are for guidance. You saved your own life.
@@kwisin1337 ❤️
I ain't 'fraid of no ghost.
Doesnt this channel literally try to make you depressed...
Being nice doesn't mean giving people what they want, but giving them what they need. Sometimes they need a hug, and sometimes a slap.
😂I agree
So true
But I enjoy being kind to people.
Fr
As everybody should
THEN WHAT IF I PUNCH YE UP
Sameeeeee❤I feel you! Especially when they know how to receive kindness too!❤*Chefs kiss*
I got my eyes glazed as I watched this. Whoever feels touched by this video must've understood how much we've built into something other than our authentic selves thus leading to some people-pleasing traits that often make us our own victims. No matter how hard, you'll always be a villain in other's stories, so why don't be yourself? send hugs and prayers to our souls.
Good points. Sometimes I wonder if other people are just me in a different environment from a different set of parents. If we believe in a common ancestor, it kind've makes sense.
"You could either ignore this advice, or take it from me. Be too nice and people take you for a dummy"
- MF DOOM
I strongly believe that you should be *kind* until someone gives you a reason to be otherwise. Innocent until proven guilty is a great concept as long as you are being honest with yourself about someone’s behavior. There will always be manipulators and people who seek to take advantage, but even the best manipulators still give signs… if you know what to look for.
Nevertheless, that’s just the goal. I tend towards niceness as you describe but try to do better everyday.
I remember going food shopping and waiting outside the store for a taxi to go home, a young lad about 14/15 walked over to me and asked me if I had any change but I hadn’t because I paid by card, when I looked at him his clothes were filthy he was so skinny his cheekbones looked like they were going to pop through his cheeks, his shoes had holes in them and he was just a child, I gave him food from the trolley and went home and cried for 3 days straight, how can a child be in this situation it broke me 😢 I wish the world was nicer in general but we’re there’s people with empathy there’s also alot more who don’t care at all
The problem is that people often want you to be NICE, not kind. And, specially, those of us who are marginalized are EXPECTED to be nice. We are socialized that way and it feels like a prison.
Yup
Some people want to be lied to
I'm just finishing my trip overseas to many developing nations. During this trip, I learned that being too nice doesn't work very well for the reasons you mentioned here. Saying no, and putting your disappointments out there, and holding people accountable, feels kinder and more progressive than being too nice or agreeable. In fact, when you do it, I've found that people are more respecting of you and sure of where they stand.
It was the biggest lesson I learned a lot during this trip. I've nutted up a lot, and I intend to come back to learn even more.
You could say travelling is a solid teaching experience, but I think it's really putting yourself in uncomfortable situations where people look to intrude on your life. People don't know you, and they don't know how you'll respond short or long-term. You can adopt new behaviors quickly because nothing is "out of character" for you.
Anyway, I love your videos! Super relatable.
@@NEbluefire My nature is still rather "nice." I'm probably higher in empathy and agreeableness. Being not so nice still doesn't cancel my kindness.
In fact, I feel like I can assert in ways that I wasn't before and be more kind. I can interrupt circumstances better. Many things require interruption to make better.
@@kevinhill1575I felt like I wrote the original comment honestly because I totally agree. Setting clear boundaries has allowed my true self to flourish and my true self is actually way way nicer to others because first of all he feels safer now.
“Nutted up”?
Sounds pornographic 😂
It wasn't the traveling, it was putting yourself into situations that make you uncomfortable and push you away from you morales or capacity. It could also be you meet people who showed you reality.
My bad childhood 1985-2000 gave me Anxiety issues, avoiding Anxiety 2000-2013 gave me Neurosis , Neurosis made me narcissist 2013-2021.
When I touched ocean bottom July 2021 I encountered dark night of soul, it gave me authenticity and cured/saved my soul.
The best thing I learned to do in life is say 'no'. I try to help, but people try to take more even though I am doing them a favor. Having a well defined set of morals and letting people be clearly aware of them helps. People don't talk about 'cheating', 'taking advantage' or bad about my friends in front of me because they know I am going to do what I think is right which I have made clear to all. I am not liked by a lot but it's worth my conscience being clear. I have done things in my teen years that weigh on my conscience but all I can do is improve going forward.
That's deep. I usually just try to be nice to everyone. I don't see the need to give people stress over nonsense.
But that doesn't mean I try to connect to everyone... I avoid majority of people since they have no relevance to my life and career.
Being nice isn't a bad or pathetic thing as some frame it to be. No. It's a great thing to embody a certain pleasant-ness.
However in this world, there are certain dangerous as this video mentions, that need to be integrated in one's discipline to actually be on the side of virtue - rather than ignorance enabler breeding misery
...
Thanks for everyone who takes on the heartship of life and doesn't run away from the felt truth
This video came to me in divine timing. I was just building up resentment for my personal trainer because he cancels our session and rescheduled last minute without giving me notice or considering my own schedule. I decided I rather him dislike me or get angry with me then continue to say nothing, he keeps doing it and I keep growing anger and resentment for him not valuing my time. This video was right on time.
Holding a schedule is difficult for some people, especially after a long time. But he/she may be going through a divorce or has a terminally ill parent or sibling they need to tend to and they just don't want to talk about it.
@ChatGPT1111 It's accommodating of you to make excuses for the personal trainer's rudeness, but from what was said here, I don't find it excusable. You can politely tell your client you have to cancel or reschedule without "talking about it." You simply say you're sorry. No explanation required. It's called consideration.
Being honest in a dishonest world is very difficult sometimes.
People are too “nice” to be honest with one another… or with themselves. You don’t have to be hurtful, but you don’t have to lie.
One thing you learn is being "good" often is one of the hardest things to do. No one realizes it. Everyone is selfish and a asshole. Takes someone special to be good. And usually, that goodness has a dark history
Extremes of any kind cause problems, and can be applied to Basically anything.
What is described here is toxic behaviour, not generally "nice person".
Mr Rodgers believed where ever there was a bad person there where several good people in that same area and I support the kindness movement that mr Rodgers held so dearly when he accepted the kids of the earth with kindness and he truly loved everyone for who they could be if they worked hard for it
Being nice doesn't just mean being nice it also means being someone you are not, agreeing with someone just for the sake of being nice, puttings others feelings before our own
Never thought about how just being nice could mean more than that. Love this channel
This was absolutely eye opening and amazing. I needed this so badly. This breakdown, this truth. I am a lifelong people pleaser, a yes-girl. Now, at age 33, I realize that as much as I wanted to be nice…it was more about how people see me that influenced these behaviors. The desire to be accepted, to be liked. Sad. I am learning to set boundaries and it has been extremely difficult accepting that others will be upset with me or change their views on me for me just being authentic and honest. Has me questioning every interaction, searching for a deeper meaning.
The worst people in my life were the nice people. The best people in my life were the real people. The nice people would do anything, lie , deceive, divert, anything to make themselves look like the good guy, the innocent victim, the one in the right, the one of sound mind. While you try your best to communicate and bring up issues like an adult, they’re busy saying you’re crazy and they did nothing wrong, and they don’t want to talk about it anymore. Real people will sit with you, get mad at you, tell you what they really think, and try to work to make it better… even if they themselves may not come off as cordial as they’d like to. Because we are only human. Don’t be nice, be real.
I think to me that’s not a nice person, it’s a manipulative person.
Calling someone crazy isn't nice.
Thats manipulation not nice
Be real, but have tact. How you say something can affect its reception as much as what you say.
Those weren’t nice people.
"Authenticity" is a myth. "The real you" is the things you do, so if you do nice things for nice reasons, you're nice. Don't let "authenticity" turn you away from kindness. Literally everyone who is kind is, for sake of this conversation, "faking it". Almost no one is "authentically", or "naturally" nice, nice people constantly strive to be nice, and that's a good thing.
How can you be "nice" when there's little consensus on what being nice is?
Hypothetical scenario:
- You found a wounded deer in a forest. He has a lame leg and doesn't appear to move much. You can attempt to save the deer, which will make you feel nice about your "good deed", or you can let nature follow its course. In this case, a lone, hungry wolf will show up and eat the deer. This canine might or might not have a den with pups. Which is the "nice" thing to do in this scenario? Save the deer or let the wolf feed?
Exactly
this literally sounds like someone convinced you to stop the journey of discovering your real self and focus on being good to other people instead. Authenticity is so much more than what you do, it’s your calling. It’s your divine nature. And the fact that you think no one is authentically nice speaks volumes. If your kindness is fake, people can recognize that and they do not tend to appreciate your fake efforts. Maybe you saw a parent was fake nice to everyone then an asshole behind closed doors. Authenticity is not an excuse to be a bad person, there’s another word for that entirely. Someone skewed your perception on that.
@@ivoryowlhat in the hypothetical
I strongly agree. Omg, finally someone who doesn't believe in "unconditional kindess" or something like that
You have to focus on your own mental health before you start worrying about the mental state of others.
It is true. And now I am cemented in relationships whenever I try to assert myself I'm declare just being selfish.. and I revert to doing whatever is wanted
back when I had a girlfriend, I over heard her sister say and speak on how her face hurts because she always smiling for others but I knew her to be a complete bitch anyways I definitely have found out having my joyfulness zapped out after years of work at the same place. Being nice to get along may grant you pleasantries with everyone but it ultimately robs of you of time when engaging with others. I have grown to be much more outspoken and not just being confrontational but merely vocalizing boundaries with people.I must give UA-cam credit. I wouldn’t be the man I am without UA-cam and all the other content creators that have found out that kindness isn’t weakness
Being nice is for suckers. Now, as long as I'm not a horrible person knowingly, that's my bottom line and my bare minimum.
🤓
@@xfr7591 damf fis gfuy isf foooo fmart 🤓
True will never be nice ever again it has no value in this world
Indeed
Felt a lot of doom in the beginning there: I dont agree with the claim that being nice is "covert selfishness." A lot of people naturally act that way unconsciously as a defense mechanism - they may have experienced trauma/shame/rejection from their care givers, so they are raised to believe they have to anticipate others needs as a way to control their environment, not out of malice, but to feel safe. People pleasing is the term.
I date people, I tell them what they want to hear, I begin to resent them for it, I break up with them, they feel blindsided. When will I stop?
😧 YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY ALWAYS TRY AND BE NICE! Just know how to establish healthy boundaries. 😒Oh, and I don't have "thin skin", I just don't tolerate disrespect.
nice and kind are two different things.. nice isn't necessary, kindness is.
First there's niceness, then there's kindness--then there's compassion ❤🙏
It's so easy to blame others. It's hard to look inside.
Indeed🎉😊🎉
"My name is blurry face, and I care what you think. "
Basically this describes borderline personality disorder. The person who grows up as the scapegoat in the dysfunctional family dynamic known as the scapegoat and the golden child tends to develop this lack of a defined sense of self or a lack of a fixed, stable and consistent personality.
Or becomes an avoidant .
That’s rlly good thnx for sharing
@@iconc1402both are true 4 me
I personally think there is a distinction between being nice, and not indulging in what you know is selfish destructive behaviour, being nice doesn’t mean surrendering your own agency, it should mean not taking advantage of others.
My parents raised me to put their emotiinal needs and the needs of others before my own. It turned me into a people pleaser and ultinately poisened all my friendships and relationships until i started to realize and de-program. One of the biggest helps to me was studying the importance of saying no. Not to everything but to the things y
our bodiea say no to. Being trained to be nice is often learned by shutting down our body's 'no' feedback. Our body shouts no but our mind overides and eventually we don't even hear or feel it anymore. I am starting to reconnect with my own internal self. And one of the best tips i came across that put me on the path is sometimes saying yes to someone is saying no to ourselves. I lived half my life before i understood that.
The art of meaningless existence is a gem 💎
How. It leads to insanity
@@Dattebayo04 Taking all of your hard work and all of the planet's resources and converting them into an illusory method of accounting that then can be slurped up in great quantity by the most greedy of us... And volunteering to do so.... That's friggin insane. Keep trying it the same way, see if it ever gets better in that system.
God loves you anyway
This is the problem with people pleasers as i was one and still sometime you can feel anger , guilty and a terrible sence of weakness
Once people start noticing your "niceness" they literally prey on you they use you fully to their advantage , especially when you self deprecate or under appreciate yourself ,they cross your boundaries, they disrespect you occasionally, but the worst part is you accept their behaviour, because you believe even if others degrade and humiliate you ,you should simply let it pass and ignore it ,
What i learned was when you under go this treatment you realise it's not their fault truely
It is your fault you are responsible for standing up , loving , and caring for yourself. So once you stop doing that you start to hate others and become highly insecure
you should flee from unrighteous behavior
Or maybe also there's something deeply wrong with people who disrespect those who are nice to them. The fault isn't just on one side.
@@mE-zx7pt easy, walk away
@@mE-zx7pt easy, walk away
Ur voice was perfect for me this morning.
Thank you.
I have literally been trying to tell my mom and grandma to start sticking up for themselves and not giving into a certain family member bc it’s not doing anything good for either sides. “Keeping the peace” is actually destroying your inner peace and making the other party worse.
Last week, A family member of mine asked for advice, I gave her my honest opinion and told her to go inwards. She texted me a few hours later and told me I had to move out.
She doesn’t like when people don’t tell her what she wants to hear.
Love yourself, respect yourself, then be kindhearted.
I'm normally kind of a pushover, but today I got confrontational with a coworker who keeps "borrowing" my forklift at night and keeping the key, leaving me SOL all day. I've been ruminating for hours about whether or not I was in the wrong and whether or not I should apologize for being kind of a dick.
This video was very timely for me. Thank you!
Go Alexxx
Fuck them up 😂
I got fired because a co-worker who had the order sheet I need to get started gathering the inventory I needed for loading into the truck kept it while he was on his last delivery for the day. Normally whoever was driving the night before receives the sheet the night before and leaves it for the next day second shift person. So I had to sit around for over an hour after clocking in before I was able to get started. I think he got mad at e because I asked one of the supervisors if they knew where the sheetvwas, so he threatened me and when I asked a supervisor to find me a new assignment preferably at a completely different location, they decide that I was the problem that they needed to get rid of.
Phil, and the hiring parties say " why can't we get any applicants? No one wants to work anymore.."
How dense they are. Lol.
Boobytrap your forklift. Be creative.
Sometimes being nice is saying no, being agreeable also isnt being nice, being pleasantly authentic is being nice! Also, often times the truth hurts, but keeps the playing field level, equal, and fair....
My favorite thing about this video is the end part. I love how it's not shaming people for being nice or looking down on them. I"ve seen people do that before, and it's not helpful. Instead, the video understands where they're coming from while still trying to help them grow and realize that they can become better and happier by learning to be genuinely kind rather than nice. It's not judgmental, but it is honest.
In short, this video as a whole....is very kind.
I needed to hear this, and I feel like a lot of others do too. Thanks for helping me understand why forced kindness is so uncomfortable
This is really well summarized, once you learn how to manage this it genuinely sets you free to be reasonably nice and at peace with yourself. Learned all this recently 2 months ago and yeah relationships really does push this out to actually sustain it, but in my case it was me who had to figure it out for my partner. Both our frustrations were at the root due to a lack of confidence to communicate and I had to teach myself how to open up and guide them to do the same. Its a huge necessity in cases where the other person is insecure to some extent.
I recently broke off a 3 1/2 year relationship in the kindest way I could. I guess the “nice” side of me wanted things to stay how they were out of fear of hurting him. It still sucked, but being honest with myself and my ex partner was a lot more freeing than building resentment towards someone who doesn’t deserve that.
Also, it is true that often, I am being nice out of fear. Fear of the other person thinking negatively towards me if I don't give them what they want. And yes, it does lead to resentment. Especially resentment towards myself.
Yesterday, while at work I had the similar thoughts. I felt ignored by my coworkers. The two of them watched me do something and then pretended they didn't see me. I'm not invisible. I made that clear and finally made my point and called them out. It wasn't nice or satisfying and they were upset at first, but I stood my ground. Shortly after, I noticed I have their attention and respect. I think I'm a bit selfish to remain calm and assertive where most people are upset. But, I'm not perfect. To both establish stoical restraints and to impart compassion are important values, although they run contrary to one another.
One time, back when I was a kid, I was going to sunday church school and I got into a fight with a kid who was always mean to me, I told my mom, she got mad at me (probably because we argued inside the church itself) and told me I should always "be nice" to others, but then something started to change in me, I looked back at how that kid treated me and others and I tough: "should I really be always nice, just like that?...", This was the first time I ever questioned what one of my parents was telling me, needles to say I kept that to myself, I'm now 26, about to finish college and even now sometimes I look back at that whole experience.
Your videos have helped me a lot with personal growth and development. And as it happens, the videos you release cover subjects I need to hear about at these times. It's kinda crazy. But I appreciate you and the work you do.
I just think main thing is don't be a jerk. You can have a disagreement on something but listen to each other. Learn empathy.
This video has genuinely absolutely changed my life.. thank you all
I Love that you talk about Kindness. What I've learned in my own Spiritual quest is that everyone should be their authentic, congruent self. Only you can be you so please don't waste your life being someone else. As someone who grow up pleasing people in the hope of getting some kind of validation, I totally understand the struggle and it's a ongoing one for me.
Your video is educational and moving. Thank you🙏
your videos never fails to bring tears
Thank you I really needed this video! I tend to act overly nice toward people in hopes of avoiding any sort of conflict, doing that I set aside my own needs and wants. I can now tell from this video that it in certain relationships affects both me and the other person negatively since I by doing so am growing annoyed and frustrated with the person. So it was actually really nice to get some clarification, despite the truth stinging a little, and realizing that I am in fact also part of the problem
I think its better to remain kind and have a pure heart despite the evils around You is the most beautiful thing You can do
I was bullied at home by my 5 sisters/ 3 scorpions/ a pisces and a libra. I was the only skinny person possibly getting bullied out of my food/ I was pulled off of toilet while peeing. As soon as I could I'd dress myself and find a world outside of our house. I escaped daily but while I had t o be at home I was beat up, even had a sister try to have an inappropriate sexual relationship with me before I was 10. I ran away the 1st time at 13. 2nd time 15 years old. Had my son at 17 then bullied by the fathers family beat up regularly left there at 21. (Oh I'm lily white raised my son who is not white) I ran away 18 times in 21 years from many abusers. At 64 years old I can't believe that was my life. I did my best to put it all behind sort of.
I don't put up with much bullshit and have zero relationship with family. I am so happy on my own and when a gentleman approaches me now; I laugh and say what's it like to want??? If not for GOD I don't know how we made it.
Sorry HoneyI don't have enough life left for anymore disappointments//I am filled with the world of joy I have discovered on my own
I'm still nice but if it starts to go sideways I have a voice and I use it regularly/ Mamma don't take no mess anymore
That's why I don't like to be around "nice" people. They might make you feel better for the moment, but in the long run, they are just toxic to deal with as weird as this sound.
Unfortunately it's very difficult to find these "non-nice" (or "honest" people, what I like to call them) because people are told to be nice to strangers.
This video really touched me! I could relate to it so much, and I realize that sometimes it's right to be assertive or disagree with others instead of always being a people pleaser or overly 'kind.' Some people, like me, seek excessive validation from others, and it can be quite hurtful. This was very informative, but it's also sad that many of us struggle with this. I need to work on myself and understand that it's okay to be assertive rather than always trying to be overly kind.
Perfectly said & explained. When you're too nice people start taking advantage of you & you stop being your true self to please others. Never stop being you & believing in yourself. If you're good hearted & kind, first to yourself & then to others, life tends to be more meaningful & fulfilling. Wishing everyone watching this wonderful channel lots of health & happiness for the new year. ❤️
can we appreciate how GOOD robert has gotten at animation!! yessss king
I resonate with this video. As someone who was a huge people pleaser when I was younger (due to this exact reason of niceness), I have been working hard on overcoming it throughout the past couple years. Thank you for showing how niceness and kindness are different. Thanks for making it!
XawWx
Same! I don't feel bad for being me anymore. It's so refreshing, I am honest, and people surprisingly don't mind my boundaries! It's freeing.
@peachberrypie That's great to hear! The boundaries are very important so that people don't walk all over us.
I think I needed to hear this today - I've reached a point in my life where I've been "nice" to the point it hurt me. But I still want to choose to be kind, because kindness should be the default. But being nice to the people that don't give it back... yeah, I'm over that.
This hit me so hard. I needed to hear this today, I have some conversations in my life that need to be had and you have me the courage to have them. Thank you.
I've met a lot of people from the New York area who are kind, but not nice. I've met a fair number of other people that are nice, but not kind.
I'm not gonna go into how or why my personality became "overly nice inchworm" but I eventually couldnt help but feel in all of my relationships that I cared wayyyyyyy more than they ever could. Or maybe even should? I was at my peak people pleasing stage. Once I felt that and reflected on it, I recognized that "niceness" as a neurosis. To end this quickly, I am now a tough ass moth.
This channel is so crazy. It literally put into words exactly how I've been feeling about so many concepts since forever. I've always been agreeable since I could remember putting up some kind of a facade and I've lately (since about a year) tried being more honest with myself and others which is a really hard thing to do. Imposing yourself and your way of thinking is always a hard thing to do and you need courage to disagree. Sometimes just being nice isn't enough and it is necessary for the betterment of yourself and others to speak truthfully. It's also hard to balance this truth since not everyone is equipped to deal with such truth. Communication and relationships is such a mess, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting better at navigating this maze that is life
I've been nice. And I've been kind.. and I've been stern, and I've been blunt.. I've been passive..and I've been aggressive .. and I've been caring..and I've have not cared.. it's all about perspective..
Being nice has almost always left me feeling second place.
I could have used a lecture such as this 60-years ago. Thankfully, this type of discussion is readily available these days.
Omg, my ex was exactly that… he pretended to be nice but he was NOT. He lied constantly, avoided any conflict but beneath the surface he was very ANGRY. He only wanted to be praised constantly and pretended he liked everyone. However, he actually didn’t have any friends. In the end, he did exactly what he wanted and discarded his family…he found a new one, so he’s fine. And to hell with his kids and fractured family. Yet, people think he “ soooo nice”. Such BS
Make sure you watch/listen to it all before commenting!
This channel has taught me so much..
This is a great video. It will help a lot of people. It is so spot on and explains a lot and resonates very well. Being nice to everyone to be liked is superficial and you are not being honest with yourself and others. It stems from trauma and low self esteem.
The best psychology-advice video I have seen.
thank you sooo much !! i have been like the guy who was always there for people who really never cared and yes after time it becomes sooo frustrating !! to anyone who reads this, plz always do what you want and try to be nice to yourself not others, it does not means be rude to them but always think about yourself first !! you will be alright without them !! initially, it will be very hard but as time passes you will be alright, find people who will be with you regardless of the situation and if you still dont find anyone, you always have yourself !! have a good day 😊😊
The past few days I’ve been stumbling upon books, quotes and videos that talk about this. Wish my old friends could see your video. Being true to yourself and to the other person is the kindest thing a human could do. Saying “Because I love, respect and choose you, I want you to know the truth”. Of course, making truth hurt less is difficult but maybe if we all spoke our truth we would find ways that wouldn’t hurt so much or we wouldn’t take the other’s truth so personally. Thank you for this video ❤
Being nice is all about survival. I'll be kind if I can reasonably afford it. To everyone who can afford to be truly authentic, good for you.
I love this video. This is completely what I think. Conflict is how you build connection. Kindness without honesty is manipulation. Honesty without kindness is brutality. Sometimes when I watch these videos I feel a tiny sense of hope that there might be other sensible people in the world :)
I was the nice guy back in school. Everyone wanted me to help them with Geography and English tests, so I did it.... in the beginning.
One day something snapped in me and what I did is to give the whole class the wrong answers, and smile at them when they get the F's. They stopped asking for help after that.
Niceness is especially dangerous when you completely detach from your real needs, you are not even aware anymore of what You want to do, so when someone says: just do what you want instead, it doesn’t even make sense.
Does it really matter what I want to do?
There is something called *need* wo my wishes aren't really on the forefront.
Great video...this reminds me of McClelland 3 needs theory. Affiliation is a leadership style very much aligned to your definition of being 'nice'. In the long term, a weak and inneffective way to lead.
Brilliant perspective and a beautiful creative production - pure art and genuinely nice/kind
I read the title of this video and I knew it was going to challenge my beliefs. It really made me look over the way I see “being nice” to people. I think it will help me be conscious of my intentions behind being kind to people and wether or not I’m simply doing it for their opinion of me or out my own good will.
This one got me right in the soul...
Your channel helps a lot of people be closer to possessing the kind of wisdom and awareness we all need to live better, more meaningful lives! Sir, I thank you for helping us all on our own pursuit of wonder!!!