Some CPTSD Partners Can’t Read the Signs You Need Support
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- Опубліковано 7 тра 2024
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A history of abuse and neglect can make a person crave extra emotional support. But when both partners have CPTSD, communication can be fraught and feelings of abandonment can turn into hours-long processing sessions. Can you teach a partner to listen to the needs you express? In this video I respond to a letter from a man who loves his partner in every way, but suffers when he works so hard to express his needs, and then doesn’t get the results he wants.
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Since I tried the daily practice I've been meditating twice a day and I wish I tried it sooner. I seriously thought meditation was goofy and wouldn't do anything to help me but there's something with it that helps that I don't understand how to explain. I have been encouraging people to do it and letting them know I know it might seem silly but it works.
That's wonderful! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
The only person I can change is me.
Yes, the sooner we realise that, the better.
💯
Thank you. Sincerely you are an angel, i got so much insight for my relationships.
Amazing words of wisdom!
Yep what ALANON taught me
The idea of getting our needs met through others instead of relying on our partner exclusively makes it so much easier to breathe. Thank-you, Fairy!
I suffer from CPTS and it's very difficult to have my husband understand when I am triggered.
His response is, "You need to let it go" or "What the f*ck are you talking about?!"
It's disheartening and frustrating.
Now, when I say, "I'm triggered", he'll give me a hug and tells me to breathe.
❤
these videos are becoming increasingly direct lol i feel like youre in the walls !
Same 😂
This is my exact story!!❤ I’m with an avoidant who triggers my CPSD wounds by not being able to be there for me. It goes beyond having CPTSD triggers when this happens because being with someone who doesn’t know how to be there for you is lonly in any relationship, let alone when you struggle with CPTSD. I love my partner and he’s trying to learn how to be a better partner to me and I him. But at the end of the day, there’s a huge void in my life which keeps me on the edge of being triggered day in and day out. It’s very hard. The statement, “ I have to tell him how to be there for m.” Really hit home. It’s been really hard and after six years, my positivity I can remain in my marriage is disappearing despite all the effort on both sides.
Relationships should have expectations. Otherwise why not be alone?
Just my opinion. You could expect that from a therapist maybe not always from a partner.
It's huge to rely so much on someone emotionaly for experience he did not play any part (your trauma).
I hope you will find your balance.
I agree with relying on them but being with people who struggle to understand and process emotions and thereby avoid your, is incredibly hard when you have them coming up all of the time. For me, it’s not a NEED to have a partner fix things (anymore) but to at least play their role as an attached and healthy partner by acknowledging when you’re struggling and just being there. Avoidant are extreme in this regard. They push you away if you express emotion good or bad.
I don’t think I’ll ever be content with an ignoring partner CPTSD or not. They must heal their trauma too.
@amandaclouse2075 „ triggering your cPTSD wounds by not being able to be there for you“, „ being with someone who doesn‘t know how to be there for you makes you feel lonely, especially when you struggle with cPTSD“, „.. he is trying to be a better partner to me and I ( to) him..“ „ being triggered day in day out“- these quotes struck me, as well as „positivity being able to stay is disappearing despite all the efforts on both sides „.
I came to realize both of my parents had narcisstic traits about half a year ago . I didn‘t know that, no one of my therapists thought this could be the case and the reason why I downplayed my own needs and could not even articulate what I wanted to happen for me, how to spend the weekend.
I was so much used to not being seen , being a burden, being parentified by both my parents. I was totally confused. I had no idea what it meant to explore the world by using my own judgement. I was used to be a failure if I did something in my way and it turned out otherwise than I wanted it to . Shaming, blaming , being somehow wrong and guilty happened all the time. Came along with anger I couldn‘t understand. I felt something was wrong, but not with me.
My strategy to avoid these feelings never to be „ enough“ was to shut down all my means to take action on my own for my own and I tolerated far too much being badly treated. That was what I knew as „ normal“.
What I would have wished to have known earlier in my life ( I am 67 now, divorced twice, - my first husband was an openly acting narcissist, my second one a covert one) is that I have to tell them what I want and what I don‘t want.
So I had a lot of guesswork to do, which my partners had not to do . I felt lonely even as a child . I could have learned to tell my partners .it takes more effort to tell them ( without accusations like If you really loved me you would know how to ) and more time as well.
I was great in feeling what would be good for my loved ones and as such“ a unit „ I was able to make decisions, good ones and fast ones.
I forgot my true self and I think today I did not know how to be myself nor who I was .
I do understand meanwhile how these round-about thinking kept me going. A costly sort of life, suspicion about myself and others, better not asking for help as this would show me being a failure.
I leave it there. Having expectations is ok., but I needed to talk about them to those I expected to meet them as well as to approach this .
I didn‘t know how to do this, but now it is exciting to learn and to un-learn my cruel coping strategies. I make progress. It‘s up to me.
It helps a lot and makes me happy to focus on my well- being. It is hard but worth it.
@@amandaclouse2075 understood. It's something important to sort out before dating. An emotionaly unaviable partner seems to be avoided but you date one.
Have you questioned that ?
@@regineheine5707 You deserves to love yourself.
Take care.
Firstly, let me point out that our partners are NOT our therapists. It doesn’t matter whether they have been through similar or you throw some terminology at them that you are certain they should just immediately accept and become an expert on it. That is NOT their responsibility. Regardless of whether you have trauma or you both have trauma, the burden remains on you, as a human being and one part of the relationship, to clearly and continuously present your needs. What I hear from this letter is the equivalent of, “well he should have known how I would feel so because he didn’t then he 1) doesn’t care about me or 2) is being a jerk!” Neither of which may be true. You cannot be resentful of having to communicate. That IS your responsibility. And maybe your partner will get it right away, maybe they don’t. You are entitled to be listened to, but not entitled to be accepted in any time frame you dictate. That’s being bossy, that isn’t nice.
Secondly, in trying to understand my avoidant partner, I inadvertently discovered that I also have ctpsd. So here we were in this situation, two damaged people, but mine now acknowledged and his so obvious to me, but not to himself. How to approach this situation where so many things, including being vulnerable, are incredibly triggering?
To both of us! His reactions being anger and self preservation, mine being fear of abandonment and self hatred. Terrible combo, right? But here we are. Still. Because we want to be together. That’s why sometimes I’m on here telling people, this or that person just doesn’t sound that into you. Because without the desire to be together, just forget about it and work on your own healing on your own . It’s all up to yourself anyways. Not someone else’s job to help fix you unless it’s your therapist and that’s what you pay them for.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far.
1) don’t make assumptions
2) never bring up their trauma. How they deal with it is up to them. Don’t be a pushy know it all, because you don’t know it all
3) be patient, with them and with yourself. Give space when space is warranted. So hard for me because I’m an anxious avoidant. If you feel enormous surges of emotions from either side, back wayyyy off from contact. You will only do harm. Especially with another person with poor emotional regulation. You just end up setting each other off. Making things worse. People need processing time.
4) be consistent and gentle when communicating your needs. Nobody is a mind reader. Nobody is EVER a mind reader
5) keep hope alive and hope that you care about each other enough to grow together and heal together. There is no guarantee in any relationship about what tomorrow brings. There never is and there never was, no matter how many things you have in common or don’t have in common. That doesn’t matter at all.
@cecilang9721: Too judgemental to me. Are you sure the person you give this advice will profit from your words ore more hurt instead of helped? When one of my therapists said to me „ I have a fantasy here..“ I knew he was bringing up something important by leaving it up to me whether I could take it right away, later or not at all. This is an open statement.
I find your comment to be very clear, insightful, and worthy of consideration. This will help me as I process some of my issues with cPTSD. Thanks for sharing it. 🙏🏾
Thanks for sharing. You’re very insightful. Wish that my partner was just as Wise as you.
I had never heard about "self will". Many times my husband has experienced hours of me trying to explain and work through something i just can't seem to get him to understand. We both end up exhausted and dysregulated. Now I know what it is I'm experiencing in those moments! Thank you 💖🥰!
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Tim Fletcher says people in recovery from Complex-PTSD shouldn't be in romantic relationships (as the likelihood of the relationship being healthy and successful is almost impossible) - opinions?
i agree, but how can you recover, when part of recovery is connecting to people?
@@Augfordpdoggie Genuine friendships and conversations with enlightened witnesses in the form of fellow Complex-PTSD survivors 👍
That's goofy
In this manner I would have been on the waiting list to be allowed to have a relationship for 47 years. Good idea?
No. It would have helped me a lot to learn what my cPTSD meant and how to change my views and reactions both towards myself and towards others.
I absolutely agree. Having CPTSD at a younger age, I am now 64yrs old. I always thought that if I just had a woman in my life I would be better. Nope. I was completely wrong. Married 3 times and divorced 3 times. I'm a slow learner obviously. 🤣🤣🤣✌️😎
The more I do the daily practice the more I understand it (example: how resentment is related to fear). I was skeptical at first but now I'm working it into my daily activities while being compassionate with myself. I meditate about 5 minutes & then move on to prayer & Bible study. Hope this helps someone. Love & peace ❤
We're so glad to hear that! Thank you for sharing and encouraging others to try the Daily Practice. Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
It was helpful to hear that it's not necessarily our soul mate who we need to go to with every emotional issue. In our society I think we've been duped by movies to expect that our beloved will understand and react in a way that comforts and satisfies us.
most wont get it and some will abuse you for it.
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change,
The courage to change the one I can (which is myself),
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Seinfeld
I would like my partner to be aware for my cptsd not to fix me but just to know that he kind of knows how I feel.
If you're interested, the two of you may find these videos helpful:
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-Calista@TeamFairy
This was SO helpful to me today. Thank you!
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Good one..making good understand between two people
Run I’m in the SAME EXACT SITUATION N WE HAVE A TODDLER I AM TOO FED UP WITH ME PUTTING ANYONE BUT MY DAUGHTER OVER ME … but I see u still have pure lovely hope
Really appreciate your work. Aspires me to become a therapist. Thank you
Wonderful! Thanks for sharing!
Nika@TeamFairy
So right
No. Not when they still blame shift and project.
Is it weird to blame my CPTSD on a relationship that could not meet me emotionally during many traumatic events. Considering I also had hardship in my childhood that I felt were exasperated during this relationship.
Thanks
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
Its hell
"other fellings over mine"
🌈🤞😁 I can't "fix" anyOne. #acceptance #giveit2God
🌈 Genesis 9:12-13 📖
Avoidant partner is a complete scam and the latest label for lazy partners to hide behind. Just leave them be they are users who want the benefits of relationship without putting in any work.
There is some truth to this. Narsissistic, Borderline Personality Disorder, Self absorbed, Histrionic, etc. can be demons from hell.
If you wanted to, you could say that “anxious partner” is a label to excuse being controlling and expecting your partner to be your caretaker.
Better yet, you can empathize with the struggles of both ends of the spectrum equally, while at the same time acknowledging that both sides have behavior that can be damaging to the other person if they don’t make an active effort to manage it.
@@larad9180 or the anxious partner is made that way through being with a selfish person who isn't healed enough to be in a relationship. Controlling =/= expecting your needs get met in a relationship or that person leaves rather than stringing you on. Avoidant attachment is the ultimate weaponized incompetence in a relationship.
I advocate for anyone in a relationship that is anxious to leave it immediately. Perhaps you are so traumatized that you need therapy before dating or perhaps you just need to avoid low effort jerks.