2 Ways a Scapegoat Survivor Keeps Their Narcissistic Parent Around
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- Опубліковано 11 січ 2024
- In today's video I explain why the effects of being a scapegoat child last into adulthood. But the reason will not just be because things were really bad back then. There are two ways adult scapegoat survivors carry their relationship with their narcissistic parent into the present. I will describe these two ways in depth and use case examples to illustrate. This is the first in a 2-part video series.
A link to my new free e-book:
4 Ways to Heal for Scapegoat Survivors
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A link to a new online course for Scapegoat Survivors
The Empowerment Blueprint for Scapegoat Survivors
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A link to a Published Book on Narcissistic Abuse:
Growing Up as the Scapegoat to a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Healing
www.amazon.com/dp/B0BXN2287H
A link to my online course Level I: A Map to Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse: jreidtherapy.com/narcissistic...
The link to my free webinar on '7 Self-Care Tools to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse':jreidtherapy.com/webinar-self...
Here's the link to my e-book on Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat: jreidtherapy.com/ebook-scapeg...
UA-cam series on Shame in recovery from Narcissistic Abuse: • The role of shame in s...
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Even after years of no contact, my internalized narc mother feels like a worm, a parasite living rent free in my head.
I know this feeling I have two siblings, six cousins, aunts and uncles, friends and neighbors and online trolls and parents that do this to me. You think you have a bad I'm a nervous wreck I can't sleep because these people are constantly living in my head and I can't succeed because these people are dragging me down each day in my life
@@dark7angel456 Same here!!😒🤮 Anyway we dont deserve to live in this hell just because some demons are trying to destroy us. They are targeting us because we have a shining light they dont have but they have no real power over us, they are just some psychotic losers and they have zero importance and value.😉 Lets take our power back and create the magical life we are meant to live! Wish you the very best!💖💣💥🌈🚀
So I am not the only one. It is absolutely crazy making.
@@elainehiggins713 anyone that gets in the head is toxic.
I can relate to the comments about getting harassed by multiple perpetrators. They want to gain control by disempowering the victim in any way possible.
My mom is a narcissist, so I went from that, to marrying a narcissist , Even after going to therapy for years.
I believe this recovery REQUIRES inner child work. There is no other way than to do this difficult re-parenting work with a therapist. Anything else is a form of mindfulness that does not address the original wounding. Good luck all, I wish you peace and recovery.
Absolutely true. It is a long way and hurtful but well worth it. Thank you and successful healing journey ✨️
Absolutely 👍🏽
Can't find healthy therapist in my area_ I don't need any more abuse _ it's every where
@tmking7483 you are absolutely right. My first therapist was a narcisst too ,first he made me feel accepted abd that the abuse wasn't my fault and after a while he began to devalue me in an horrible way. I did some online courses on my own and they helped but it is important that you find someone who can understand and support you....even online. I had no one anymore, the narc did a good job at isolating me and smear campaign. But there are good people there also. I wish you the best. You can do this.
Attending Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Family Dysfunction (ACA) meetings is another effective source to doing this inner child work. I have achieved significant healing through these meetings and doing the recovery work on a daily basis.
Thank you Jay for these helpful videos that you put out ❤️
From personal experience, I cannot overemphasize the importance of emotional distance from a narcissistic family system. And establishing safe, healthy relationships.
Once you consistently breathe clean fresh air, you won't be tempted to return to toxic fumes 🚫 ☠️
@Z1nny That is DEEP - "Once you consistently breathe clean fresh air, you won't be tempted to return to toxic fumes." This is a POWERFUL reminder as to why "no contact" with the toxic family member(s) is the best contact and protection of my (as a scapegoat) emotional well-being. Thank you! I am going to journal your quote!
Do you know where to find “part 2” of this video series? Thanks for letting me know!
Oldest of 3 children, I was hated by my father ( his admission) and became the scapegoat. But my sister of 14 months younger was the one who accentuated the bad treatment. In our days of post war of course narcissism was never known about until fairly recently. I was not afraid of my father and fought him despite his bad treatment (hitting me around the head) but that was always motivated by my sister's lies. I got through childhood, had ambition and became a nurse. I eventually went abroad from uk, married a German and life continued.
My father died when I was 53 so we returned to the UK to settle things for my mother etc. My sister offered to care for her, which was arranged. Despite my knowing she would not cope, we agreed to accept her offer and payment was arranged for her care. Things went bad after a year, she returned to the USA leaving my mother. I then agreed to care for her despite living in France, but could not have anticipated the reception i got. During her year she had obviously started her narcissistic behaviour against me and pt the whole family back into the original state of recreating my scapegoat position. That all ended by everyone accusing me of mental illnesses, numerous different ones, and caused a situation where I was excluded from everything.
Following this situation where I was accused of perhaps leaving my mother in the middle of the road, and various other libelous accusations
I realised that I could no longer remain with my mother, at the risk of being accused should some mishap befall her. From then on my own health suffered, having cancer a year later and beginning a depression from such betrayal. Even then I had no knowledge of narcissism, until after querying the total wrongdoing, I eventually found out the hard way. Of course there has been no contact from the remainderbof my family, sister, sister-in-law (who had obviously joined ranks with the rest) brother who was deteriorating from a debilitating illness, aunt, uncle, nephews. My brother has died since.
My conclusion of all this in my life, is that the scapegoat of childhood is long gone, but to have had it repeated has stopped my life since. The narcissist obviously remained in my sisterbuntil she could attack again, and possibly get her revenge on my having succeeded in my way. Thinking about childhood, it was nothing compared to this betrayal later. How can one get over such a thing at my age now of 78. In my opinion, to return to thoughts of childhood makes no sense. The narcissist has escaped of course, not being accountable for her damage. I have certainly understood now everything about narcissism. I just have to get on with continued depression in such a way as I can. But the narcissist has done her damage and hopefully suffering in her way. Thank goodness I have always had friends who were not known by my family. Thankyou for this opportunity!
Thank you so much for your testimony, You can and will get better. The betrayal is immense and smear campaign’s pain unimaginable.😢 Am sending you all my Love and Kindness. ❤
So sorry to hear of your pain, but for sure with knowledge you will come to realise how strong and complete you actually are and always were. The family mob smear discard so very painful. Sad, pathetic, jealous people; you don’t need them. ❤
The narcissist never escapes they never die they live on forever in your wound picking away at the healing process that will never scab over they live in the deep recesses of the festering abscess that has infected its host. 🙏 when you’re born into it there’s no other way to be.
I'm so sorry you've gone through this and feel your pain. They say time heals everything, but I haven't found this to be true. The knife in my heart just keeps being twisted with each new lie I hear about myself. I wish I understood why so many people believe a smear campaign so readily. Good luck, I hope your days are peaceful and you are able to continue your good life.
My grandmother died last week and family have united together to try to leverage my grief and get to me while I'm "down", to pressure me into a reunion with my parents who I am no-contact with. How dare they. But what they don't realise is that they are being flying monkeys for my narcissistic mother who is using this death in the family, and their naivety, as an opportunity to try and get me back into her life (where she can use and abuse me again). In my personal experience, ANGER, is what has pulled me out of depression. Or as one friend put it to me "sacred rage". The rage is the truth that YOU NEVER DESERVED IT, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, IT WAS NEVER YOU'RE FAULT. Yes it's still hurts, it's betrayal, it's awful. But for me, anger shifts me out of depression. I write it all out in journals, no filter. I draw or paint my feelings out in whatever messy way they appear. Whatever form of expression that can move some of these feelings out of my being. I'm not religious, but I use prayer too. I wish you all the best.
I’m just realizing that this scapegoat thing is probably my life. I was such a bad kid I don’t know if I deserved to be treated that way. I just realized though I was made out to be the bad kid before I was old enough to be bad. Just a little girl. I have had lifelong problems. Life calming down now and figuring things out.
Escaping narcissistic legacy 💙💙💙
I deserve to live a peaceful, joyful life. I tell the family in my head, "you are not in charge of me". I finally believe it to the point of disgust. I found people whom I feel good around. It's not easy but, I DESERVE to live a peaceful, joyful life.
the landowners and renters have a different outlook in society that effects relationships
owning land gives one a sense of authority and dominance. the law supports such
renting property, one knows there is uncertainty, always forever on rented land
property value is the cause and effect of every activity in community.
like living in a world not of your making, *taking ownership is first step*
Thank you
Love you Jay!!! No amount of gratitude expressed either via words or material help will ever do justice to the immeasurable help, relief, peace and warmth you give to those who listen to you. Very few experts actually understand narcissistic abuse. You hit it razor sharp and know it like no other and I have listened to thousands of videos over the last 5 years. May God bless you abundantly❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️☺️❤️
I intended to comment similarly but boutiquelove5391 said it all. TY Jay.
Thanks for another insightful video. So much of the recovery seems to hinge on being able to find a safe relationship with another person, but it seems that our parents pretty much wrecked our ability to let other people in. If we weren't good enough for our own parents and they mistreated us, why would anybody else see us as worthy? It's a decades-old script that seems impossible to rewrite on our own. I'm trying, however, and thanks for your knowledge and insight.
Do you know where to find “part 2” of this video series? Thanks for letting me know!
Thank you Jay. When I receive your messages, especially today's, I realise why I've been struggling for so long despite knowing what went on when I was a child, ie, I feel some relief, as I discover that years of self criticism were normal due to my father's horrible treatment. Also the fact that it's so difficult to stop the criticism, and I'm learning new things everyday about myself (and finding more things I dislike about my father). It's still work in progress, even at the age of 50. I feel as though my life is just beginning in some respects - shame it had to be so late, as I found it so difficult to distance myself from my father - I only discovered how to do so at the age of 40, as he took everything from me (I had no job, I have GAD & ongoing depression - it was only from one of my many visits to a psych ward in a public hospital that I was given the help I needed to get away.) I can now say that I've been much healthier and living a life with much less anxiety since being away from him, and 2024 will be my 10th year.
Thank you again ❤👍
Thank you, Jay. I have so many issues around this "internalized parent". I just pray that I will continue to work on my recovery and healing.
7:20 e.g. I'm afraid to try new challenging things because if I don't succeed I'll be shamed. Shamed by who...?
It's likecwreck it Ralph. We have to feel like bad people ...there's alot to unpack here. Thanks Jay
I think a thing is that a good enough or healthy parent will instill an internalised parent, but that parent eventually says the child has graduated to being an independent and self affirming person that doesn't have to keep consulting the internalised parent. The internalised narcissistic parent never lets you graduate from it, you have to keep following it.
In my understanding every one goes on in life with internalised parents. But for people with healthy enough parents, it might even be helpful to consult him or her. The problem for those with abusive parents is that we have to get rid of them, but the human mind is not naturally wired for this. Hence all the work we have to do to get free of their grip. Hope it makes sense (English is not my mother tongue)
@@DolissaneWell stated 💙 and sometimes being free of that grip ⛓️ never comes
Man narc parents always have a list of “offenses” they just cannot tolerate….
I need to avoid criticizing myself and a boost my own confidence to recover from my scapegoat role. I need to take the time to leave the narcissists in my life.
This helped me, hopefully it helps someone else too.
The Trauma:
It is suppose to dissonant me; to confuse me; anger me; to always have me asking why, why, why (it distract me) and always has me seeking out answers (Never moving forward).
Evil is whatever distracts
It leaves me trapped. My mom once said, "don't you want to know why". Evil is whatever distracts.
This way I am trapped, I never leave them. Or at least, the confusion of it all makes them the narcissists, (in my mind at least) always have power over me, and not only until they die, but until I die. And now that is some true false power
The ulterior motives with which they absorb and assimilate Evil are not their own but those of Evil.... Evil is whatever distracts
You have suffered a moral injury. Whatever they did to you goes against your moral compass. And your mind sees them as evil.
Evil knows of Good, but Good does not know of Evil.
Always Remember, "Evil is whatever distracts".
Stay focused on your goals and do whatever it takes to prevail
Repeat this to yourself whenever those memories come up, "Evil is whatever distracts"
You have suffered moral injury. Don't get it twisted, this is an internal war between Good versus Evil.
Whatever they did to you goes against your moral compass. And your mind sees them as evil.
Evil knows of Good, but Good does not know of Evil.
Always Remember, "Evil is whatever distracts". Say that to yourself and do what you know you should do. And you know what you need to do.
Stay focused on your goals and do whatever it takes to prevail
Repeat this to yourself whenever those memories come up, "Evil is whatever distracts"
I find dealing with people who are caught in reacting to the illusion created by the system of abuse mimicks abuse. It is difficult to determine if the other person is well intentioned or just pretending to be unaware.
Thank you Jay!! I finally get it. It took until our parents both passed away for me to totally think, do, be who I really am. No need to listen to them anymore. Too bad it took so long, but better late than never.😊
Sadly. I’m able to connect with so much of this- Dr Jay your psychoeducation is hugely helpful. Psychotherapy without this is less than helpful.
Thanks.
The part in the one example where you said that the person even went as far as stopping exercise and eating healthy food really jumped out at me in this one. It made me re-watch this video multiple times already and I will probably do so at leat a couple more times. I did this very thing about 8 years ago. Up until now, I just thought I threw in the towel with taking care of myself because I was too overwhelmed after my husband and I moved our young family into a much bigger house and property out in the country a year prior. I am sure that was also a contributing factor. But the fact that I know my narcissistic mother was jealous of me for having this likely played a large part in me throwing in the towel on my health and well being. You know, as I write this I am unpacking a lot of things in my head all at once: my mother has always criticized my weight and physique for just about as long as I can remember; the high school example is also very true for me; as a kid I would go on long bike rides by myself to get away from my narc mother (pre-cell phone days); as a teen and young adult I would exercise a lot to try to lose weight to avoid my mother's judgment on my looks; when I threw in the towel on taking care of myself my health plummeted to the point of near death over the course of just a couple years; while I have been trying to recover from that, I have still found it extremely difficult to get motivated enough to get back into a healthy amount of (consistent) exercise and stick with healthy eating and properly take care of my growing family the way I want to and know that I can; this "lack of doing things" is truly not me, but is totally my narc mother! Wow, so much to unpack here! I can now clearly see that my biggest struggle has been internalizing my narc mother all these years! Thank you, Jay, for opening the floodgates for me! ❤ Very much looking forward to next week's video for ways to overcome this!
Thank you for this excellent video. It answers so much about why we do seemingly self-destructive things. As a golden child I would love to hear a similar video about that. The enmeshment and expectations from my narc mom were detrimental but so tricky.. it took many decades to realize it.
You are so welcome!
Hi from Italy!
I' ve realized that even away from him, as I' ve been for a long time, I tend to spend my days as if he were around. I' m over 40 years old now and back again on an academic pathway, but I' m not studying as much as I should. The main reason is the distress, disinterest, dismissal, and shame I was made to feel during my high school, when I was a clever and promising student ( in addition, my older sister was dense so my parents, rather than admitting she had special needs, minimized the difference between us by not expressing joy for my success, but they went too far). After high school graduation I met new people to make friends with, only to soon discover they ridiculed my choice to enrol to studies that were not science or engineering! The same did the first men I dated. After a few years I could no longer speak confidently and fluently, I was embarassed and shocked at their cruelty, to the point I dropped out of university. Only away from them have I gained confidence enough to take some small steps to improve my life.
This input is very valued. Thank you lots! Greetings from Europe.
Buenas tardes dr. Reid.
En español le escribo esta vez para agradecerle su muy valioso y talentoso trabajo.
Hace mucha lógica y cobra sentido en mis 58 años como chiva expiatoria.
Cada explicación que nos da me ayuda a ir limpiando más y mejor mi mente, mi corazón, mi espíritu, mi vida.
También quiero hacer mención que desde su ausencia a partir del video anterior y en este noté un cambio en su semblante.
Le noto menos animoso, como triste.
Se percibe en la velocidad de su discurso, en su sonrisa, en sus ojos.
Yo espero se encuentre bien y pues que bonito sería que nosotros sus suscriptores pudieramos apoyarlo en reciprocidad al apoyo que ud. nos ha brindado todo este tiempo.
Sinceramente,
Adriana Alvarado Rodríguez.
PD
Saludos a su perrita, "Frizo", según recuerdo se llama.
Jay reid and sam vaknin are the two professional with lots of experential wisdom and who have academic integrity in acknowleding other authors sources well adding to collective knowledge with their unique perspectuves
Jay .you are spot on on scapegoating abuse and effects. I have made more sense and more peace because of your sharing
Thanks and gratitude🎉
There's so much truth in one video that I need to take a lot of pause as I get triggered a lot while finishing watching this video. Great content and presentation. A hard pill or pills to swallow this one but needed. Thanks :)
Incredible job! You have a way of explaining these dynamics that helps us truly understand. Thank you for all your hard work! It is much appreciated!
I'm 58. I'm trapped in a very secure cage she constructed. I can't get away. She always wins.
This explains so much. Thank you.
So much precision! Thank you!
Great video, Jay!
Glad you think so!
Always enjoy your insightful informative POsts of videos.As It happens my late dad never fully grieved his deceased 1st wife zand released her spirit. This was sadly intensified by my late half-brother also a narcissist. to add to the fu with dysfunction late mom was a borderlins. Also older sis Narcissistic as well and kid sister a borderline too. I was lone empath in family. Both parents and half-brother deceased now, Sisters, and brothe in law out of picture now too unhealthy to stay related too. Half-brother's late widow seems to be taking up narcissistice role of late brother. Very weird.
These situations are complicated in many, many ways. Jay: when one parent treats the other parent as garbage, can the child (unconsciously) take on that message for himself? So the child may experience criticism of self and the horrible treatment of his abused parent as also criticism of him. (This was hard to word; hope my question is clear.)
I know exactly what you mean. My mother was the narcissist in our parent’s marriage. I was the middle child, the one that looked like, whose personality was more like our dad’s, so I became the “scapegoat “ bad child. Now I am retired, they are both passed away, and I finally “get it” from watching these videos over time. Thank you Jay for your work.
This was a triggering video for me to watch. 😢 The depth of my covert narcissist father’s voice in my head is occasionally temporarily forgotten…but then I’m always reminded by something. I started to watch this video, got to the story of Mike, and had to stop. Mike was me as a young teen, throughout life, into adulthood….until I got to counseling in June of 2020. Thanks Jay 🙏 I’ll watch and listen to the rest when I regroup. Great content. Healing is vital.
I am having an extremely difficult time healing. The "I am bad" thing just continues to drive who I am and how I relate to the world. Now, I believe we all have things to work on, but most people do not let the negatives about themselves destroy them. They work on recognizing their mistakes, forgiving themselves and getting on with life. Not me. If I understand Jay, he is saying those of us struggling to live without so much psychological pain are failing because our childhood "I am bad" program is too deeply ingrained in us. Is that what he is saying? If yes, than it might explain why I can't heal.
When we get narcissistically abused by our parents, their messages can lodge themselves in pre-verbal and also pre-rational developmental layers. The symptoms of their existence in us might be ambient emotions that we don't notice or understand (pre-verbal), or they might be assumptions that it never occurred to us to review (pre-rational). There is a sliding gradient of additional functions that come online as the brain develop and traumas in different stages of development get complicated (trauma, really) characteristically to that stage. I hope that makes sense. Which leads me to the point I wanted to make to you.
Is it actually true that you can't heal? What would it mean to heal? I won't pretend to read your mind, but maybe feeling good is not exactly what healing looks like. Maybe it would be truer to say you're struggling to heal, or cannot currently see any progress? I have found many of these things unclear along my own recovery.
Lastly, I like the metaphor of taking care of a house-plant. Let's say it got root-bound and started to wilt. Once you repot it and loosen up its root-ball and get it some fresh soil it'll probably droop for a while and stop growing. You water it regularly and day-to-day you can't see the progress. Only after a while can you one day say "Yup it grew".
@@emil5884 Thanks for the thoughts. It is entirely possible that healing will not feel like or look like I think it should. It is a slow process; I think of it is coping better more than feeling "good."
All the best to you in your journey.
@@nancybartley4610 Likewise thank you. I look forward to a healthier world. Take care!
My problem is that I have a vicious cycle that repeats in my head every time I want to be happy it just seems like it just doesn't happen because it keeps remembering whenever I wanted happiness from somebody who never happened. My wants and needs are never acknowledged and I never feel validated nor do I ever feel loved
This is spot on for me. Please elaborate a lot more. I love your videos. Thank you.
You are so welcome
I cant hold down a job. I am being fired from every job after a few Months. I feel like i am selfsabbotaging? Bc i deeply think i am a Bad person and then i get scapegoated ...
Go on night shift
I managed to block out her voice. The sad thing for me is that I do not know what it feels like to have a mother. My two best friends, who are younger than me, are my mother and my sisters now. And I have the privilege of serving in the same capacity for them. I found my tribe!
Do you know where to find “part 2” of this video series? Thanks for letting me know!
I think i have borderline as a caused of my narcissistic family and bullying and sexual abused. But i think i get over the narcissistic abused since i do not relate to that. But i could not make connections with people. Maybe safe people do not wanna be around someone thatvis not emocional stable
My life was ruined, cursed- at birth.
FTW
💔❤️🩹💗💞
Thank you for making these videos! I’ve managed to go no contact but my mind still feels wrong and defective, like I’m going to get in trouble 😅, I know I can change, just taking it one day at a time ❤️🩹
Same here. Feelings of worthlessness. Believing I am genuinely a bad person. Before I believed them now those thoughts are just something I am going through to come out better. Not defined by them. They aren't even your thoughts. Stay strong. Stay positive.
You're so welcome!