Recover your status after narcissistic abuse
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- Опубліковано 29 чер 2024
- In today’s video, I’m going to explain how the narcissist’s regarding you as lower status had absolutely nothing to do with the status you actually deserve in this world. Next, I’ll offer some examples of how a scapegoat child to a narcissistic parent is influenced to think of themselves as lower status than the narcissistic parent. And at the end, I want to offer a really important strategy to escape the trap of trying to prove your status to yourself after narcissistic abuse and assume the equal status to others that you’ve deserved all along.
A link to the paper on projective identification:
jreidtherapy.com/publications/
A link to my online course to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse: jreidtherapy.com/narcissistic...
The link to my free webinar on '7 Self-Care Tools to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse':jreidtherapy.com/webinar-self...
Here's the link to my e-book on Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat: jreidtherapy.com/ebook-scapeg...
Private Facebook Support Group that Accompanies the Online Course: / recoverynarcabuse
Take the narcissistic emotional abuse quiz: jreidtherapy.com/quiz/narc-ab...
Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation: jreidtherapy.com/book-now
Subscribe to my channel: / @jreid-heal-narcissist...
#jayreid #jayreidpsychotherapy
iv looked at masses of books , watched masses of videos on trying to recover from NPD abuse but nobody comes anywhere close to jay reid. i am eternally grateful.
If you havnt checked out ross rosenburg… he is also amazing
Truth
Definitely!!
100% he’s really Special!!
He is good for sure.
I believe that what they sense and try to destroy is the higher sensitivity a scapegoated child usually has. They do regard it as "lower status" and "weakness" because they have always pushed down their own vulnerability and sensitivity. The hardest part in the process for me was actually not seeing my sensitivity as a handicap and learning gradually to integrate it back and transform it into capacity for compassion to heal myself. I believe this is the reason why a lot of people push away their own sensitivity, because it makes them a target for abuse. I think there's nothing else that a narcissist tries to kill more in their victims than their humanity and sensitivity.
I think narcissists pick on sensitive ones because they can make them suffer with their projections. This makes sensitive ones very effective scapegoats from the narcissists' perspective and that's why the most sensitive child (e.g. me) is chosen. The narcissist does untold damage, but their aim is not to destroy the scapegoat - they need him.
Yup true. It's a collective problem to see sensitivity and empathy as weakness while gloryfying agression.
@@me-jt5qc Exactly. It’s because they need them. It’s easier to put sb sensitive down.
Besides I think that we also BECOME sensitive (being constantly on high alert) due to the abuse.
You are absolutely correct. So well explained. When one is emotionally sensitive it's not a bad thing. Thank you.
I agree.
I am amazed that you have such a handle on narcissist abuse. Absolutely amazing. In my experience, if you have not gone through it yourself, the abuse is disbelieved and not understood. What a gift you have to give vocabulary for what is so difficult to articulate to another human. ❤
Yes, it makes us look like fantasists or something- there is no way to explain it to an outsider.
I used to say that myself until I got very clear and learned how to communicate effectively.
I find every single victim- Survivor of these toxic relationships have this codependency and reactive abuse incapability of communicating their boundaries needs and feelings effectively.
Once we learn how to take control of our emotions and regulate them...
Once we learn how to individuate into our identity, our core self, and beliefs that will be unwavering,... And once you learn communication efficacy and conflict resolution, I promise, you will never say that ever again.
You will never have trouble helping people understand the Dynamics of these dangerous people we call narcissists, psychopaths, borderlines, and sociopaths. You will never have trouble ever again describing how you were involved in one of those relationships.
This, I can promise.
It takes work n time, but it is worth it.
Yes and not by coincidence I believe. They stylise their abuse to render it incomprehensible in order to isolate and control. NPD is a truly dark pathology.
I agree.
This is all so true, but I find that people who haven't experienced this themselves simply cannot understand that people could do this, especially parents/family.
I agree.
You nailed it. Overcoming that trauma programing of being less than, not worthy, taking shit that has become part of our survival mechanism really takes a lot of inner work. It really helps if you have one significant relationship where you are treated with positive regard. Sometimes even normal everyday interactions on a regular basis with kind people can change how we view ourselves. 😇😇
Totally agree with you. I have people like this in my life. We spend time together daily. I'm loved by them. They treat me with respect and kindness.
It’s not always a narcissistic parent that causes the trauma. Sometimes siblings single out one to abuse and scapegoat!
My narc sister abused me both emotionally n physically big time. My narc mother would say I never saw ur sister do the things u say she did. I hate both of them to this day
The metaphor of the badge that is involuntarily pinned through your skin is so apt. You know that if you try to challenge your status as the lowlife in your family, if you try to remove that badge, the backlash will be swift and hostile. If you don't remove the badge though, you may end up killing yourself as you will start to believe that badge is the truth. It is a trap. The only way out is to get out, stay out, discover who you really are and build a life for yourself. I wish everyone well on that journey. I'm 59 and broke away five years ago. I'm now disengaging from another narcissistic relationship. Alas, once you've been conditioned by someone with npd, lightning can strike more than once. Don't get discouraged. Get smart. Get free. It's only too late when you're dead.
self love is the key. yes we were abused. For me as a child and then friends and relationships its learning and not allowing bs from anyone again!!! much love!!
I am grateful that you became intelligent enough to understand these matters and share them with many of us. It is healing and needed.
I think he always was very intelligent,which helped him survive abuse and get to where he is now.
@@Joelswinger34 but to understand and explain what had happened to him and others takes growth and evolution of understanding, People don't just automatically know what is happening to them when they are going through the process, and he explains it very well to the point of helping to heal others, that's what I meant.
There is no one to appeal to, to validate the truth, in the corrupt family system.
Then you grow up and leave the system.. and enter into another almost identical system!
Ad infinitum..
There goes life..
Ha ha!! I just read this comment and thought wow!! I agree so much!! Then I realise it’s my own comment 😂😂 9 months ago..
JUST IN TIME! I have many people now trying to help me, myself get out of PURGATORY! They say, "You are the maker of your own Prison" and I am like, I WAS SHOVED SO FAR IN THAT HOLE it is REALLY HARD to dare to see the LIGHT!
When my nephew started getting to an age of understanding how things work at my home of origin,he was about 8 years old when I went no contact, he knew he had a higher status than me.
My narcissistic younger sister, who was really the only person I could connect with also treated me like I am lower status. This was how we lived for years.
This meant that if I had something, no matter how hard I worked for it, it could be hers. She stole my belongings, even went after men I dated.
This was because she thought she had higher status than me.
I often catch myself performing the role of scapegoat even around new people. I play small, down play my knowledge and achievements.
I know how you feel. Stay strong.
My narc family stole my documents: Passport, social security card, and my son’s birth certificate.
This is a good video! As someone who grew up with a narcicisstic parent you learn quite early they care about status a LOT. It used to confuse me how they would try to get me to brag about the vacations we went on to my classmates, but I didn't want to brag because I knew they would probably be bored with the topic if it's all about what I did. There always has to be people below and people above and not many equals in their view of the world. 🙄 How much more relaxing it is to grow up and out and away from that mindset. Sure not everyone is equally skilled or knowledgeable at everything, but people's inherent value as a human being ought to be relatively equal and not go below a certain threshold into dehumanization or constant baseless ridicule.
I had a memory yesterday of running away when I was 7 years old with my sister who was 12 at the time. We coordinated the runaway together and when I recall, she was more adamant about it than I was. It was on a Sunday morning and I wouldn't have to go to church, (which I wasn't a fan of going anyway). Being a win/win, the feeling of supporting my sister and I didn't have to go to church, plan!
It was in the middle of the winter and days before there was a huge snow storm, where we created a snow cave in a snow drift that was in a shelter belt about a block away. We had our sleeping bags, winter wear and we even packed snacks. We hung out in our snow cave keeping an eye out and after sometime, probably a couple hours, we saw my father, mother and brother drive off to church in the blue Matador (the '70s). My sister and I were snickering and felt like we got away with something. At that point, we were starting to get REALLY cold, clearly this isn't going to be sustainable and we decided to go back home while they were still at church, put our sleeping bags away and pretend that we had always been there when they got home from church.
When they got home, wrath was an understatement. We both 'got the belt' and were grounded for a week with no TV. The fear of them coming home was as bad as the actual punishment.
Until yesterday, if this memory had ever come up for me, it was a memory of my sister and I being 'naughty' or bad.
A light bulb went off in my head yesterday, 50 years later....
They went to church.
Not even once recalling that memory had I ever thought about the fact that they simply went to church. It was the middle of the winter, I was 7 years old with a 12 year old.
Then, I thought of the times when my mother and father would fight. My mother ALWAYS blamed my father for something he had done, and would pack up us kids and run away to Sioux Falls for a day or two. We'd stay at the Holiday Inn where they had an amazing indoor swimming pool that was tropical themed. She'd buy breakfast pastries, OJ we'd ALWAYS go shopping where she'd shower us with gifts via my father's charge card. The payoff? Subsequent throwing us in the middle of their fight that would happen as soon as we'd get home.
My guess is the shopping and gifts to us were payment to us for being 'shrink on the go'.
My mother modeled running away as the solution for us kids.
Then I thought, what if one of my partner and I's kitties were missing? What would I do? What would my husband do? I'd be FRANTIC as would my husband! Then I tried to think of the biggest event or 'thing' that would make me think twice about searching for the kitties instead of going to an event or 'thing' instead. Trip to Paris? A concert we've planned to go to for months, years? Not a thing.
I couldn't think of a fucking thing.
One of our cats died years ago while we were in Mexico on vacation and my mother-in-law (who was cat sitting) told us over the phone with only a few days left on that vacation. Not only did it ruin our trip, we couldn't stop crying and all we could think about was our baby and how we wanted to be home....
My husband thought maybe because it was the '70s and back then, it wasn't a big deal to not look for your kids and go to church.
Perhaps.
That still doesn't negate my reaction and what I would have done in any decade or what I would like to think any parent who cares about their children would do. Instead they simply went to church and in that action, is not in my wheelhouse.
Gosh, I am so sorry you and your sister experienced this -- it was gripping (and hard from an emotional standpoint, not a writing/reading one) -- to read. You are describing betrayal trauma on many levels. I tried to run away twice as a child. I remember sometimes seeing stories on the news about missing children growing up, how the parents would sob at the press conference fearing for their child's safety and whereabouts. Even the Soul Asylum "Runaway Train" song triggers me. As a little kid, I registered the discomfort of knowing the truth: if that happened to me, my parents would not sob and fret about my safety or well-being. They put me in danger many times, and I am still in danger now even at 43 due to financial hardship related to declining health that keeps me bound without much choice. I am so sorry your parents acted the same and with so much callous disregard that they calmly went to church to keep up appearances without any regard for you and your sister's well-being during that harsh weather. It is a parent's duty to PROTECT their children above all. Hugs from an internet stranger.
Thanks Jay! I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and was the scapegoated child in a family dynamic that allowed for my mother's hatred to be focused on me. I still live in the same town as my elderly mom and things are mostly okay in our interactions these days, BUT with the holidays I'm experiencing a hard time as my mother's old flying monkeys and enablers from the past assemble around her. I've made great progress in recognizing my self-worth and detaching from the false narratives about what a terrible person supposedly I am (spread by mother for decades), but now that these people are around again, I feel myself being triggered. it seems that although I've changed, my family members are stuck in the old false narrative. My sister, who lives out of state, is here and it seems like she needs to continue to box me in as the scapegoat so that she can continue to have higher status as the golden child. I'm losing grip on my progress as all these people I've distanced myself from converge for the holidays. I feel ganged up on. Can you make a video about how to stay strong and centered in recovery during the holidays when all the old actors come together? Thanks!
Jerry Wise has a video on that! ❤
I agree for that video suggestion.
That's so true. So many problems disappear when you stop explaining yourself. Why you try to prove your worth to someone who already treated you as lower status? Explaining is sign of a guilt and attracts more and more trolls. When you stop explaining yourself the trolls eventually are gone. You can see it on social media. UA-camrs who don't respond to negativity, rarely have trolls. But start justifying your actions and they come with more accusations.
Thank you for validating my whole childhood - and into adulthood.
I'm so grateful for these healing resources.❤
You have helped me understand my family's dynamics beyond anything I have found on any book shelf in any book store.. Thank You for your enlightenment and guidance, encouraging me, and making me aware that I don't have to accept this anymore, and that I don't and never did deserve this treatment. I tried to commit suicide multiple times as a teenager, not because I wanted to die, but I felt if I died everyone would be much happier. I was never told I was loved, and constantly reminded how ugly I was and how perfect and beautiful my older sister was. I was hit with whatever was close enough for her to get in her hands, until around the age of 16 when I had had enough and I hit her back. That's when the physical abuse stopped. Today she cannot remember hitting me, but remembers quite well the incident when I hit finally her back. I was the dark skinned child, and my sister was the blonde, blue eyed child she wanted. She told me had she not seen me be born she wouldn't have accepted me because a I had dark hair and darker skin then my older sister. My narcissistic mother is still at it, as I approach 67 years, and almost put me right back there again. I have been successfully employed with the same major airline for over 40 years never asking for, but giving her financial assistance. My sister, her Golden Child, is still put on a pedestal and tells me to just get over it....mom's not going to change, just like you said she would, attempting to keep me in my scapegoat spot for the family. I had no choice as a child, but I have a choice now. Thanks for giving me the knowledge and encouragement to learn how to demand healthy boundaries, and refuse them my company if those boundaries aren't met. I will heal and survive with or without them.
Pat Williams. Your story is one known and understood here. Yes Jay Reid has helped so many.
😢 You just shared our stories. I've walked away from all my family of origin over 3 years ago. Best thing I've done for my mental and physical health. Take care
Narcissistic parents love to see the crushed look on their scapegoat's face when an insult hits home . I got pretty good at not showing it and that enraged them even more . We learned at school that all people were created equal - except YOU according to shit parents .Thank you Jay for discussing this angle of parental abuse .
Thank you so much Jay for making these videos, they're very helpful, inspiring and great for motivation to push through and keep going! I'm trying to reconnect with my inner child and show her compassion and tell her how proud I am of her strength to hold on and not give up, that I'm here for her. It's like getting to know who I truly am, I've been in hiding for so long, going along with being who I was told to be.
Hitting the nail on the head for me, so true.
I can tell my sister what happened with me growing up and while I see it as narcissistic abuse from my father, she sees as me as making something out of nothing. Like my father would often wrestle me and tell me that he wouldn't let me go until I stopped reacting, but I hated it. I hated it so much that I would punch him and hit him as hard as I could, while he laughed at me. I asked him why he didn't wrestle my brother and he said that my brother would just cry and he was trying to train me to protect myself in the future, but I hated it and often felt like he was just trying to control me. My sister on the other hand, said that he would tickle her and it got to a point where she didn't like it either and that my dad was just playing and didn't know when to stop. I had to keep telling her that he didn't tickle me, it wasn't tickling, but she just sees it as my perception and not reality. Am I just making this up in my head?
My Ndad did something similar. I remember a lot of mornings where he would come into my room and jump on top of me so I would be stuck under the covers and felt like I was suffocating. I would beg him to stop. He would just lay on top of me and think it was hilarious, while I was clearly not enjoying it because I was and still am claustrophobic. Once he thought it was enough he would stand up and tell me to wake up and leave the room.
Wow! My ndad did something similar.
You're not making anything up! Your sense of what was happening is both valid and true.
You're not making it up. Your sister says she didn't like that he tickled her and says he was just playing. But also that he didn't know when to stop and he was the parent. He should have stopped. I don't know your family dynamic, maybe she's downplaying it to herself too. My older brother has always been defending our mother.
I'm so sorry your father did that to you😔
Your truth is your truth.
I did it all WRONG though! I know that now. I defended myself :-( I gave them proof I am mad, bad, sad, entitled, insane. I only walked away and let them think what they think LATER. Can you do a video for people who handled it all wrong? :-)
Susan C- now you know awareness is everything. You can put that behind you and be the adult for your young self who needed take a particular direction.
It doesn't matter what you did, in response to their abuse. It doesn't matter what they think of you. You are a worthy person, worthy of respect, kindness, love, and empathy. You found the strength to leave them--good on you. You can love and support yourself now and have empathy for any mistakes you feel you may have made under such duress. But, really what they think of you has so little to do with the reality of who you are, so it just doesn't matter.
PS and walking away and not caring what they think, even though it doesn't feel like the answer at the time, it feels really unfair and upsetting and stressful, I think it has made me stronger, less of a people pleaser. I can see that my 'core' KNOWS now, for certain, that I'm ok on my own, the worst happened, I was rejected by the tribe (my family) and yet I kept going, in some ways, things were calmer, it was actually ok. So, it has cured me of that people pleasing side of myself.
I just recently came to understand the degree to which I was my mother’s scapegoat, especially. She started slut-shaming me before I even knew what sex was. I didn’t realize it, but my father was grooming me right under her nose. When a man tells his daughter she’s more fun when she’s drunk, that should set off alarm bells in any mother’s mind. My mother, however, was jealous of me, & blamed me for his behavior. On many nights during my senior year, I was up half the night defending her, trying to keep him from killing her. During the day, she had little for me but verbal abuse, about how mean and selfish I was. I have 3 younger brothers, and they joined her.
Defending myself, correcting the lies, asking for respect - none of those things work, when family members decide to objectify me.
I don’t really need to tell my own story for them. I’ve never been able to do so, and my brother corrects me, every time I remember something about my life that doesn’t fit his Golden Child, noble and abused victim, narrative. Im
I’m not even allowed my own memories.
I want to write my memoirs, because my life has been very eventful, in some crazy ways. Like when a drunk Irishman in Boston got down on his knees, on Harvard Ave, and kissed my toes. There a long story attached to that, regarding my human rights activism.
Thank you for pointing out how counterproductive it is to defend myself, especially as the narrative is decades old. The eldest of my younger brothers has devoted his entire adult life to reading his family, especially me, for trash, to anyone who will listen. He has many flying monkeys, and they traffic in gossip, not facts.
So I can just walk away from this Southern gothic insanity, then? Hooray! And thank you!
"I'm not even allowed my own memories" -- this is also what I am experiencing to the worst degree. Narcs gaslight everything, even your own memories, into some crazy intepretation that better suits them. It's dehumanizing. Glad to hear you got away from that sh**.
@@TheSunflowerGalaxy I hope you have, too. Thanks for your reply. It is always validating to know others who have had these experiences. I liked the scene in 30 Rock, in which Tracey Morgan has an epiphany. “There IS love in my family, & I need to stay the hell away from them!”
Your comment was very interesting and all so tragic. It sounds like you went through hell with your family. I also think your book sounds really interesting and I hope you are doing well.
WOW, this was really eye opening. Thank you. It really unraveled a lot of pain and shame I still held onto from an abusive relationship. I've struggled to correct his "opinion of me" as though it were "The Truth" even long after I have no contact with him and no relationship. I hadn't realized that I was trying to prove to myself and others, still, that I wasn't "as bad as he thought". Now I see that doing that was more of what was causing me continued pain, as it validated his view of me. To see I have power in being relieved from this is amazing. No longer wanting to fight with a ghost.
This is profound information! Thanks Jay!!! I wish that they could prosecute parents who program their own children to accept their psychological pain!!!
Hi Jay! Love your content.
Scapegoat here' ... Went NC years ago with my Narc mom & bio family. Narc mom has terminally ill with weeks to live. I know deep down I was a good daughter & I feel at peace with her impending outcome. I just want to still feel ok AFTER'. Can you talk about this subject please(?). Thank you for all you do!
I’m in exactly the same situation….
My Narc Dad passed in May. I’m my situation the scapegoating has become more blatant. I had hoped it would end with his passing.😢
My mother is getting on....I am no contact and plan on staying that way. Whenever I was ill she had absolutely zero interest, it was an inconvenience. That's all I need to feel no need to ever see her again.
I’m new here n have found such insight re my narc mother n now I understand just how I was her little abused escape up til today n I’m 62!
This woman has tormented me my entire life. My older narc sister, emotional n physically abusive growing up, was the scapegoat cuz she was rebellious but she escaped our narc mother n moved out
My poor dad got the worst abuse, emotional n physical, finally escaped at night n I was genuinely glad for him. I did not take it as abandonment
Then there was just the witch narc who I hated n still hate who I became her controlling iron grip scapegoat hostage n the only time I escaped was when I moved out
Now she’s 82 n EXPECTS ME to take care of her n I’m doing all I can not to. I’m a Christian so that guilt plagues me
I haven’t had a conversation w her in 2 months and these have been the best 2 months of my life
However I married a narc, had no idea what the word even meant for either one, so I’m getting a “temporary” breather from facing both
I like this therapist. He makes sense he’s calm n w what we all deal with it’s a welcome of fresh air. Thanks
This is so inspirational. It is the most intelligent description of narcissistic abuse that I have ever heard. “It can be a trap trying to prove to the abusers that they were wrong”. That is so true because what you resist will persist. You don’t get out of a war by getting into a war. It is so simple it is overlooked. Brilliant video Jay. Thank you for making this knowledge available.
How do scapegoat who become parents cope with reliving this kinda horror with your kids who has the narc traits?scapegoats are lightworkers.they usually have only one born to a family who play multiple roles of waymaker burden bearer, problem solver,miracle worker ,promise keeper much like godlike expectations without the status.
Walking away
and being among other people
who treat you normally is where you can experience that feeling of having the same value as other people.
If you felt that.
It has been confirmed. Then you know.
It becomes visible to you.
Brilliant Jay, thank you for making sense of what feels incomprehensible.
Thank you. It was good to be reminded not to confront them. They don’t care. I just need to forget them and focus on me now.
Listening to this for the second time. First of all congratulations on your paper! It sounds very relevant to us all here, and glad you've made it accessible to the masses!
You have tapped in to something that isn't mentioned much. Even though I know that this is their problem, their poor behaviour, it still really hurts that I am so *easily* and obviously cast in this low status role. It's happened in my own family and also at work. The woman left work luckily but I'm stuck with my family. They've all just ''written me out''. I am single and I think that that lowers my status in their eyes, even though some of the relatives who've given me the silent treatment would consider themselves feminist. It's so weird. I notice that my female relatives give a lot of respect to cousins who came from richer parents than my own. My own parents always got by and even now that all the cousins are adults and standing on their own two feet, I feel I have TWO generations of low status hanging over me! But this is only my family! In the rest of my life I'm a normal happy healthy attractive single woman with friendships and a secure job and a modest home. This low status placard is bizarre. Rationally I know this. Rationally. Just noticed that I fell in to the habit of defending myself there. Even if I were living on the streets they could still treat me like their equal because you should be able to count on that equal treatment from your own kin surely.
I Always Sense It Was Futile To Engage With My Tormentors So I Rarely Did. But I Could Never Find The Peace Of Mind I Wanted Over It. And I Could Never Fully Believe It Was Real That People Could Be So Small Minded. So Occasionally I Would Bite Back Always Regretting Giving In To The Pressure. Because I Could Sense I Was Playing Into Their Hands. Recovery From Bad Childhoods Indeed.
So many gems here 💎💎💎💎💎
Badge and pin excellent metaphor 🙌🏾
Assuming equal status feels uncomfortable, even dangerous ⚠️ but so worth it. A lot of homework in this one, thanks Jay 🙏🏾💫🌈
Distance is healing!!🙏❤️🕊
I had just read a post…Quiet, not blind.
Haha. I love it.
So true. In my experience and observation, scapegoats who escape the system go on to do very well for themselves. They are starved of acknowledgment and recognition and so they go out into the world with all this pent up energy to do something in the world. I went on to have more career success, money and friends than anyone in my family. It was quite amusing to see all my family’s efforts to minimise and pathologies me.
Thanks, Jay. Long time follower, first time commenter. Also an LPCC who greatly appreciates your work.
Jay, you are such a blessing. I can’t thank you enough for providing your expertise to us. Perhaps it is that you are a survivor of this abuse that gives you such insight, empathy and professional skills/knowledge. I’ve bought your book! Going no contact has given me so much peace and clarity. I believe this is crucial to really face what was done to you, and help you claim your status back.
Thank you, Jay for your life changing talks about how to recover from a narcissistic family.
I finally read the paper you posted a link to in this video. It really highlighted the need for the therapist to help the client see their true self. Being able to understand the abuse caused the person to understand life through the point of view of the false self. The need to step into the true self to unlearn the false self. As an abuse survivor I had to create a world that made sense to that false self. Now I create a world that makes sense to my true self. It is most important for the therapist to communicate that even if it has to be over and over.
The State of California is getting ready to start the CARE court in my Riverside County. I'm skeptical because it is looking like business as usual. I wish ethical mental health professional were talking more about it to get real help to people you are suffering.
Thanks for sharing your article it was very helpful.
Thank you for your fine contribution to public health with your excellent series of presentations.
Thank you SO much for everything you bring to your channel! This one has helped me to understand WHY, I could walk in the DOORs of the ICU I worked in and, like magic, I felt EQUAL there, and KNEW I was respected, to then go back to REALITY of my LIFE, the 'real' me, I kept carefully hidden with pretending to have family love like my co- workers talked of, trying to hide that side of me THOUGHT of by everyone as 'WORTHLESS'. Oh how HARD this is to overcome when it was bred into you by your own, who should have loved and nurtured you, should have SHOWED you WORTH and who all you could be. I know this makes no sense, but I guess it is a personal vent this Mother's Day weekend! Peace
thats very true very insightfull i wish these videos came out more often, because Jay understands the trauma and perhaps emotional inner child, side of it, and also the narcisistic abuse . Other videos out there on narc abuse can be too graphic, or even miss the trauma side of things, and lack some gentleness, and insight for me, can be graphic, or whatever. Its true, in a system where we're used to getting contempt, it was sort of an eye opener this video for me. Ive been healign 3 years from childhood trauma and i connected that i was the scapegoat to a clearly grandiose or malignant narcisist, parent and in a family system. Having to defend ourselves against a claim thats utter bullshit, may add an element of, well getting caught arguing with a pathological projecting pig. They enjoy it. My journey started also finding a safe enough person who understood enough trauma, and acted as a supporting person for me, who understood me and held space, had that empathy, and that dececny for these type of issues. I am almost a lawyer, ive worked and attuned hard into communication skills and boundaries, because my inner child asks me to stay true to myself, ive understood a lot of the ways narcs manipulate. As a way of navigating them in the world, i think it might be helpful to have the understanding, of what gaslighting is, what word salad is, what blameshifiting is, what projeciton is all of this. Ive caught a couple or more thantrying to escape accountability by these things and ive told them a couple times this is what their doing if they're genuinly treading on people, and on me, which they usually are if their trying to dismiss accountability by doing these things. They do go balistic but narcs being out there in the arena of life you will come across their abusiveness, here and again, and keeping good boundaries and knowing how to navigate them and having the integration and awareness of what their doing is helpful. Another good one to be aware of is "reactive abuse" , because they look for reactions, to play victims. We dont really need to defend ourselves from silly narc projections, they act like authority and moral figures, they rarely, rarely, if ever have a moral high ground i believe they never do to substain what their saying thats why its called a projection. Their finding whats actually wrong with them, and trying to misplace it somewhere else, they have the policeman(or woman) complex without knowing the actual law, or without following themselves, or without any empathy, they just try to find it somewhere else. I rather reparent my inner child, keep healthy boundaries, and go to places and people where empathy is available and genuine mutual regard exists and we can keep connecting in healthy ways and healing... not narc heavy, systems!
Thank you! Thank you! My sister who is not my sister as we both accidentally found out had to deal with a parent who by today's standards would put her in jail.
We both have escaped her abuse and no longer associate with her.
Your videos as well as a few other people's videos have been so very helpful. It has been a long road to recovery and understanding the lies, scapegoating you name it my sister who isn't my sister have experienced it.
I just wish another associate who I was not as fortunate as I had found these videos. Unfortunately her narcist drove her to suicide. Her father sadly said she felt that no one wanted her.
these videos are a God send. I wish for all who need them find these video's. No narcissist is worth having one take their own life...
The Superior explanation, really opened my eyes…. When we think of SUPERIORITY, we don’t realize what that really means . This explains it in a way that you can really grasp it! Thank you!
Thank you for all your content you are making the world a better place.
This is a good video to articulate the feelings I have about the lack of status I have felt my whole life with certain specific people. Also why I would try to work through the relationship with them, only to be told I’m wrong. Or just ignored completely. I chose to back off from relationships with people who treat me this way, and focus on healthy relationships. I have to do this to feel good about myself and the life I am building.
Spot on on the attitude of my father towards me 💘. A horrible man. 😵💫
Thanks Jay! The insight you give really helps. It gives me something to think about.
I couldn't find the academic paper link... I'm so glad that you are doing this work, thank you
Thank you! So helpful!
Such an important video, thank you! I will watch and rewatch,so the message sinks in...everything you say resonates
Wow, I needed to see this! Thank you for shining a light on this blind spot shadow I still had...
Congrats on the paper! 🎉
My mother was so stupid that it never dawned on her that one day, when she was an old lady, I would take my revenge on her for her cruelty.
This is spot on.🥰😘
Extremely helpful ..thanks a lot Jay
Great advice 🙂
Congrats on being a part of the paper, I think you have a good understanding of this stuff. I look forward to reading it
Thank you Jay.
Best useful information on narcissistic abuse...spot on.
I love the example with the finger trap. Wonderful. 😁
Definitely need to check out the ebook. 🙂
What a very good video and I'm so glad to benefit from them. Thank you.
I love how you cover all topics of scapegoats. Thanks
Thank you for your insight and great advice.
Thank you for all your Videos
Assume your equal status!! Thanks Jay!!
Thanks for this...happens too many times but it's funny how they need to compare themselves to me when I can't be bothered to compare myself to them.
Wow! This is such a thorough explanation of what we've dealt with growing up in our damaging families. Everything you've shared here resonated so deeply. It sadly never occurred to me my status could be anything but what it has been. I love this and starting now, I am going to do my best to "live as if you have equal status." So empowering. Thank you so much!
i watched this last night and slept on it... its so powerful that when i awoke i almost wanted to laugh because im even worried about being of lesser status than my fellow scapegoats... it really has put on a light for me..iv lived my life never even questioning that" of course i must always be lesser." The fact that i treat every other human being i meet as an equal has never entered my head that i should be doing the same to myself.
@@fragrenscat9468 It is so powerful! Right there with you. Time for us to take our rightful place in relationships. 😊
Playlisting the pillars is brilliant thanks 🙏🏾 I
I hope it helps. Thank you!
very helpful, thanks
It's multigenerational locally. However in prayerful discernment, my memories of my worst bullies drift to the surface. The originators of this were "tourists" from leftist activist causes that shadowed my folks and others on camping trips around the region. There was a group of itinerant pickers and woods folk, that became entwined with these "Americans." They would easily influence girls I liked around the rural region. First love bombing, then trying to get me to give them attention. Three generations of men and women involved. Insidious. Let God in. Seek what you need to heal from God. Let God heal you where these folks tried to break you. Their social groups collate to travelling entertainers, the seasonal tourist travellers and interference related to hard leftist activists from places like Chicago or New York. They are political rats.
Loved the video... Would comment further... But there is a link I just have to follow... Thanks!
I believe my dad, boss and ex boyfriend did this to me
Just 1:08 minutes in. Yes I’m so very angry with my 5 siblings. They are all superior to me and use me as bullying target. Especially when they are hurting. They had to show superiority over me (the target of our scary mother’s paranoid delusions and suspicions) in order to be safe from her. She was very harsh dominating cold and sadistic.
I’m so angry with them. We are all in our 40s and 50s now. When our dad died they took comfort in condescending and opposing me. Now they are happy to be nc with pathetic inferior me. It means they get to divy up my inheritance amongst themselves. I hate them so much.
You pointed UP to a place where a link to your published article appeared BUT there was no link there.
I stumbled upon my own internal manner of beginning to address this a few years ago BUT it is NOT as good as yours. I call it why yell at a fool? The fool is yelling I am the biggest jerk on the block. Why should I argue that "I am a bigger"? Just say, you win the fools contest, and quietly exit. The person who wins a “bigger jerk” argument, is the one who loses. It’s rather like your Chinese finger trap example. But there still is some stress involved while the jerk yells at oneself, sometimes a lot. But if there has been a lot of untrue and cruel messages send over the years, and sadly often believed by the victim, it does not address the issue of the development of retarded self esteem or status, which you well address. There, some cognitive therapy may help a person discover new and ACCURATE beliefs about themselves, rather than the erroneous ones “pinned upon them” as you aptly say - with your military metaphor. 😇
Could you pre tape segments for holidays?
My family is trying to take my son away from me. They have called CPS and are now going to court for custody. My son has never met them and I have no criminal record and have a high paying job in tech. My family has a lengthy record. What can I do to get them to stop harassing me and my family? It’s mainly my Narc mom and her golden child doing this to me.
Jay, I could not get the paper you mentioned. I went to UBC and they want to charge 50.00. Is their another way? Thanks
When they say observe don’t absorb, how is it possible for kids?
Have you got any tips for how to figure out status of self and others? Some of us are autistic and don't have a sense of it but have to work it out like a math problem.
If you are 1 and the negative person is -1, what would that equal? If you are 1 and a positive person is +1, what would that equal?
Xenia- that’s a tough one- compassion to you. Some of the abuses described in the comments are subtle. I would like a formula too. Some things that might help are building up your own personal body awareness, mindfulness guided body scans are good for this. Then looking up and making a list of respectful interactions. Getting to know how you feel in your body will help. Then when something is uncomfortable you have more warning. Also maybe keep a diary- try to be specific. What you learn from doing mindfulness body scans and maybe pick one example of each where you notice feeling comfortable in your body and where you feel not comfortable and the circumstances, situation. It is like being a personal detective, a researcher. I think this will help you build up confidence in yourself, that is listening to you body signals. Remember so much of the time you’ve probably been guessing or doubting yourself. Also have a list of what happens in healthy, respectful interactions and study that list. You could set up a traffic light system for yourself- green, amber, red to match what happening in interactions and how you are feeling in your body. I think that this will be helpful, slowly getting more awareness. Also remember you are a worthy person and we all deserve respect- that is to give respect and receive respect- that does not mean being super nice, extra helpful or chatty. It is like have basic manners to treat yourself and others with worth. I hope some of this makes sense to you- also there is a UA-cam guy called Orion he has autism and a neurotypical wife. He has lots of helpful videos. I know it’s an extra layer of pressure and vulnerability when one has autism and dealing with people described as narcissists, they may or may not be. But they are bullies and often sneaky bullies. I hope my very long answer is of help. Remember it’s all small steps.
🙏🙏🙏
What if you never had a status to begin with?....
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Status is not the ownage of a third party.
This sounds like the racism I experienced.
There never was any "Status" at all. Nothing to re cover. You train Inner Strength - and need no status
Does anyone else find these videos really hard to watch?
Yes, its hard. But personally, I realise knowledge is power. Jays personal experience makes his studies of Narcissism invaluable, and I personally needed to finally understand and heal from my family. No contact along with education is giving me the strength to heal and grow (painful though it is in the beginning).
We all came from dysfunctional families , it does not matter what others perceive of u.😂
you have no idea.
Defiantly 🤘😋⛑️