The Third Pillar of Recovery: Defying the Narcissist's Rules
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- Опубліковано 26 чер 2024
- In today's video I explain how a scapegoat survivor can profitably defy their narcissistic parent's rules. This is the third pillar of recovery in action. The strategy involves approving yourself to pursue what makes you feel happy, strong, and/or free. The critical ingredient in this pillar is seeing what happens now. Do the people around you recoil or attack? If you have safe people in your life today then the answer is likely to be no. Instead they remain connected to you even when you like who you are. Experiencing this outcome helps the scapegoat survivor separate feeling good from losing needed connection. And watch until the end because I will point you towards a resource to help scapegoat survivors safely live in ways that defy their narcissistic parent's rules.
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I’m so grateful for your content. I find it especially helpful when examples of narcissism include the covert, vulnerable type. That gaslighting is so much easier to miss, disguised as concern but still ignoring your real needs and keeping you feeling invisible.
Respect
Yeah, agreed. At least the grandiose and malignant types are very clear about what they are.
THIS, having being raised by a one of these (father) I now encounter them all the time in my dating life and it’s so disappointing to find this out once they reveal themselves
Yes!! 🎯
“Don’t out shine the Master”…this one really hits home for me. As well as don’t out shine the golden child! Thank you Jay❤
This one of the most difficult for me. Finding safe people is hard, and when I do, I destroy those relationships by behaving how I would to gain my parents' approval. People don't want to be around people who hate themselves and constantly dog on themselves, but when it comes to my parents, that's who I have to be.
I have rarely felt equal to any co-workers, friends and family
I finally started feeling great about myself, defied my parents go no contact, only to have a vicious smear campaign. I lost everyone, have no support thanks to my siblings, their flying monkeys. They have completely isolated me. I am exhausted and traumatized.
Practice vipassana meditation you will break patterns and heal yourself.
My father hates seeing me singing. He knows I love singing.
Anytime I laugh at a tv show or at a joke made by a friend, my mother starts becoming crazy, and yells at me to shut up.
The other day I was passing by, went to the bathroom and overheard them saying I'm evil and worthless, to say the least.😢
Can you leave,
not look back ?
Build a life for you.
Do you have siblings ?
🤺💐
Damn my heart is heavy for you and nobody deserves that to say the least…damn 🙇🏽
Cinderella
@@Wackaflaka89 I had an orange 🍊 pumpkin car.
Now I own a white coach.
Coincidence ?
I wear flats 👟.
🤺💐
I grew up this same exact way. Someone said Cinderella and that’s exactly what it felt like. Moved out of my parents when I was 23 and have been on a healing journey ever since. I’m 31 now and have made tons of progress in healing though it’s been a tough process. I hope you can safely get away from the toxicity one day and start to build your own sense of self outside of their projections 🤍 sending love
❤love getting Jay settings with his dog!
Thank you so much Jay for all you do to make us scapegoats feel seen and heard. I am disabled and the scapegoat child. I live alone and never see my family much. My mom controls my finances and enjoys seeing me down. I wish I had a way out. For now I am grateful for my cats and your channel among a few others.
Hang in there my fellow scapegoat survivor. Sending love from TX❤ We are all in this together!
People from all round the world are standing with you. Care and well wishes from Australia
Practice vipassana meditation you will break these patterns and heal yourself.
Jay this is a particularly succinct video, condensing so beautifully your unique understanding of the internal psychological warfare unleashed by a non nurturing parent. The double bind about success, the constant doubting and second guessing, the fear of spontaneous joy…and we live in a society that normalises parental control. I just want to reiterate the point I’ve been making about how hard it is for scapegoat survivors to identify “safe others”. Looking back at my teenage and youth, I now realise that I was surrounded by safer people but I was obsessed and focused on the non safe ones. It was familiar and hence compulsive in a way. I just couldn’t see the safe ones. Or found them boring (nervous system wise). Love the work you do and your consistent support of us.
My narcs parents are mormon. The religion is packed full of stupid rules. The rules are all ridiculous and it makes every decision one that might send you to hell. Even wearing a tank top and shorts or drinking a coffee means you are hell bound. The number one rules is to never experience any pleasure in your body. All happiness must be because you thought about god. It's absolutely soul destroying.
Of course like all the greatest mormon narcs they were never following the rules completely either. They just pretend to and beat you over the head with them.
Please read this book by Martha Beck: ‘Keaving the Saints’. An eye opening book on Mormonism, but not easy to read.
Sorry, ‘Leaving the Saints’
Catholicism works similarly
.. that really struck a chord when you said they weren’t even following the rules themselves. That’s so painful to realise.
@@annastone5624no, Catholicism is absolutely nothing like that. Please get catechized properly before making statements like that. You can start by reading “Theology of the Body.”
@Seliz463
Just because it came from the Pope - does not mean the information of philosophy filtered down into the sermons by priests, into the catholic education system, or into the lived experience of many Catholics living in oppressive religious states.
Awww sleeping doggie! That’s healing right there. ❤️😍
I graduate last year of highschool with 19 classification (0-20) and I never received a compliment fom my mother
Congratulations! What an awesome accomplishment. wishing you all the best for your future studies. So proud of You. 👏👏👏🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤👋
My mother was so pathologically envious of my high school graduation that she didn't even act like it happened and made sure no one in the family knew about it. At my university graduation, she waited in the reception area for me to come out after the ceremony was over and took my graduation cap and gown off my body and put them on herself and demanded to have a photograph taken of her wearing it, with me the graduate standing next to her, because she said she was the mother and it was her graduation too.
She never thought I would one day show the picture to anyone who didn't believe me. That was back in 1993.
Jealousy.
@@danielkaiser8971wow- she was overt!
Jay, we admire you as well! Your authentic Self shines through. Thank you for being!
5:11 not only agree with the parent's opinion but also to prove it to them.
8:40 Jay, this rings the bell strong.
How often did we hear something along the line: _"people are right when they say that you are worthless"_ Then we walked outside thinking that all the people judge us.
Thanks Jay, I always look forward to your uploads.
I appreciate that!
I've been listening to your videos for some years now and they've helped me a lot, so first of all I want to say thank you for everything you're doing for us.
I would like to comment something though about those examples of fictional clients. In them the imaginary client is always someone successful outside of his/her family of origin. You always comment the person is liked by their friends and colleagues, doing well on their studies, praised in the workplace, earning a decent amount of money and many other positive stuff.
That's not always the case, and I think for some of us it can leave us feeling like we're even a bigger failure than the average scapegoated child.
It's just a small criticism, because your content is between the best ones when it comes to having an inside of what's been going on with me all my life without knowing it.
Thank you so much!!
Good observation.
Good point.
Really appreciate your approach, demeanor, and all the content youre sharing. Thank you
I love your work, Jay. Thank you.
I'm struggling with healing the mental, emotional, (and financial) assaults (i say assaults because the things done/said were VIOLEN/the WORST THINGS one could possibly imagine!)...
I'm grateful for finding your channel... I find the words you use help put things SO CLEARLY... And you use the words that were used against me so it sort of 'broke through' the specific words/things I was told I was and believed about myself... It's like I have to FEEL like all the bad things they called me JUST to be at a neutral headspace so I can begin to heal...(I know I'm not describing myself well...)... I just find your language has helped me break through their lies...
Seriously..
How on earth do people find the SAFE OTHERS??
It’s absolutely impossible to get support for success - when almost ALL systems are dominated by narcissists.
That’s an objective fact.
They tend to have positions of power too.
And they will set out to destroy you and your career, make no mistake..
Where are these safe environments?
But thank you Jay for even mentioning safety!!
One of the few people who do!
It's not easy when you've been conditioned to feel like unhealthy situations are normal, and healthy situations feel strange and unfamiliar. For me, I've had to really analyze how people treat me and why I seem to either be attracted to them or ignore them and not see their value. It takes a conscious effort to recognize and appreciate genuinely good people. But I feel like the more I try the easier it gets.
Thanks for your reply 🙏🏻
Dear Jay, thank you for that series. It’s very helpful and I am so grateful that you publish these profound insights, without even asking anything in return. Karma knows and will show her appreciation, of that I am sure.
Keep up the great work!
This applies to adults too.
Your channel helps me more than other videos on narcissism. Thank you thank you thank you.
This is a great series. Thank you.
True... the master was always right.
Sweet dog Jay 👍
I only just saw the dog 😂, blending into the chair back there.
"The critical ingredient in this pillar is seeing what happens now" 2:20
Whenever I say I'd like to do something that I've been feeling within myself for a while, then my girlfriend reacts quite positively. Like, "yeah? That's great." This kind of response that just feels fine. I tend to feel a bit like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but no kind of rebuttal or refute comes.
Reminds me that when my grandparents asked what I did in my day-to-day life, last time I saw them, I told them that I like to go bouldering (indoor rock climbing). Now that Jay used the word, I know how to describe it: My grandpa 'recoiled' slightly and said "that's surprising, because you're afraid of heights, because you always like to be in control".
Lol! Guess who's safe to be around, and who I spend my time with now.
This is incredibly accurate. I didn’t have words for some of this. The abandoned and astray part hit me.
Love your puppy
Jay, Thank you so much for putting words and detailed explanations to things that I’ve struggled with all my life. You are helping me so much.
You are so welcome!
This makes me feel sick and diseased. This is my experience it seems like intuitive self-preservation but at the same time structural disassociation a split or multi personality or expressions of one, but this is a lot of psychic activity, the amount of cognitive dissonance and its effects on the nervous system and immune system due to stress cortisol inflammation, but there has got to be some good from it.
After we heal we should be stronger right ?
Thank you for clarifying this. It all makes sense now.
You are an MVP and my new BEST friend! Omg! What you just said about believing in the judgments and projected motivations of the narc parent over your own--i just witnessed that pattern in my relationship with an associate 2 weeks ago. There i was struggling, trying to clearly express my motives as this person was projecting her own childhood wounds onto me. She could not stand to own them. It even became confusing at one point because i started to believe her--that i had done something wrong. After trying to explain and then getting further attacked and with petty accusations, i broke off the connection. I could clearly see that i was giving too much power to her to validate my motivations and feelings. I have been reflecting on how this pattern in me was established and you just answered it. Thank you!!🙏🏾
Thank you so much for this, Jay. Once again you have brought me new hope and light by the way you describe things. The case example of Anita you gave sounds exactly how my mom treated me. I can’t thank you enough for your efforts to share your knowledge with all of us. God bless you for all the good work you are doing. You are saving many lives and families.
Yesterday, I consciously decided I will be going hunting for the very first time this year. “My” narcissist hates hunters, thinks hunting is uncivilized and unnecessary. All my life I’ve been wanting to hunt just once, for whitetail. This is the confirmation I needed to go ahead & do the damn thing!
Some how my comment to you is on the main scroll. I don't want to delete cuzz it's long and I don't know how to cut past etc..
🤺💐
Great, now an animal has to suffer because you finally learned to stand up against your abuser. Make it make sense. This is no progress to be proud of.
Do you hear yourself
"The dam thing".
Maybe regroup rethink.
You pull the "trigger" there's no going back.
I was 6 yrs old when I dove off the very very high
High dive.
I wish my mom said no.
She didn't even watch.
Think, what you
in a rush about.
Reset your gyro 🥙.
🤺💐
Good for you @jackherer_078 😊 Ignore Jdmmg4904. Obviously, they have their own healing to do. It's not your job to make it make sense to him nor anybody else.
Happy Hunting!!!!
@@newnormal1841 I do. I would like to eat locally. I can think of no better solution. Whitetail deer are prey animals. They exist to be eaten. I will feel a mixture of sadness and grief for the loss of life, but contentment and pride at being able to feed my family off of my own efforts. A free range animal, fat on acorns and tender grasses, is always the better option than a farm raised animal. A life for a life. The animal will not die in vain. And if I am not sure of my shot, I will not shoot. Rest assured. 🖤 be well
Thank you so much for this video! Very helpful to understand and becoming free from a toxic dysfonctionnal family.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you so much for these contents
I appreciate the examples, it really helps me understand the concepts discussed.
Great videos and clear accessible content. Thank you for this effort, Jay. I’m sharing with literally anyone who needs this. It feels like you were right there in my childhood household and narrating the events. Amazing!
My step grandmother was turning 100 and people traveled from Europe, and the States, as we traveled from Washington state to California. As I was very close to my grandmother, as she voiced her opinion abt her daughter opinion of how she treated me in my youth.we were inseparable, she was my favorite family member. I loved her so wouldn't have made it through my childhood with out her. We arrived to a meeting about decorating the event, ie my mother sister And sister in law was planing ect. I was not envited to help out in the decorating, or included. The event was at my sister house,.they went to my parents house to put the wee ones down for a nap, so time was passed and the event abt to happen,my sister was a pastry chef was decorating the Cake.was behind with roses and there's that . I was pacing back and forth, ask should I decorate. I am well aware if guests showed up with with empty undressed tables in the garden without flowers,a .very Humid hot day in September, and I just got of a plane, so got a hold of my brother, husband barked orders coolers tables shade tents ect,and they left me to melt all by myself, with all party favors flowers candles helium balloons ect, two hour's later, I went to shower and nap, the guests have arrived and my brother woke me up ,Oma wants to see you guest are here ect ao hurry. When mom saw me was performing how wonderfully decorated ect, ect,and thanked me pufusely, I stated I know how-to party,she repeated to me mockingly,,my sister inlaw said absolutely nothing about it,as my brother married the likes of his mother, he has to ask his wife if it's OK to give his daughters a snack.my sister thanked and huge me my husband and my other brother who helped.Our cake was beautiful, as it's my oma sister who decorated the cake.acual birthday and her Only son.on the same day my birthday was two days later
Thank you so much for the video.
I, too, am so grateful for your content, Jay. Your succinct breakdown of the dynamics have led to many a-ha moments. And I love that you provide articulate, practical steps toward recovery. You are instrumental in my healing journey. Thank you for all that you do. ❤🩹
James 1:21 (NKJV)
Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.
Another genius video from Mr. Reid! Thanks Jay!
Thank you
These help all the times
thanks bro
Thank u so much Jay. & is nice to be accompanied by Brisa(the dog)
This is my mother
❤
Play that again😮4:28
Let that marinade a minute!!!
oof fighting 2:03 and yet still feeling fucked. i am the narcissist apparently.
I love the big thumbs down in the diagram. So childish! Just like the narcisist 😂
Where can i learn more about the 8 life moves?
Hi, You can learn more here: lp.jreidtherapy.com/empowerment-course-scapegoat-survivors
Hunter. Hunting
Its not a good feeling.
Are you hunted,
Do you feel hunted ?
The sneaky feeling
of stalking prey,
with a high power weapon, 🔫 🏹 ?
You and tens out there stalking the same bambi, 🦌 ?
Im not a hunter
I dont like
hunting for sport
Trophy heads.
I see hunting for
food sustinance, survival.
Who hunts, stalks
Esp when ready
dressed is available.
I feel differnt
about 🦦🎣. Why ?
Same thing
Stalking hunting
for food.
Maybe im turning veggi ?
I love the smell of
sweet mother earth.
You garden ?
Go stalk some celery
🙋
🤺💐
Some how this reply is on main scroll. It is for a commenter & wants to hunt
I left it cuzz it's long
I don't want to delete, and don't know how to cut and paste ?
Any way
Is it relevant, does it apply ?
🤺💐
You have made my life feel lighter and lighter day by day man…..❤️🩹
Thank you for showing me the possibility of a reality I never thought could be mine 🙏🏾