First born of immigrant mother here. I tried to understand and excuse my mother for being controlling and over protective because she was in a strange land but many years later realized that it was causing me to resent her. Love your mother but live your life. She made her choices, now you need to make your own. Don’t let her guilt trip you because they become experts at that. Eventually she’ll understand. Good luck to you girl.
@@mozzarellakit4548 It's hard in general but as an immigrant you also need to admit a lot of what you know is just plain wrong. This is true of all parents more and more as things change much more quickly but your knowledge of how X works is even more likely to be completely wrong.
I Love this girl. She is so sweet, witty, and naturally nurturing. I pray that she soars, and that her family get to appreciate her for the gem she is. I also hope that she and her mother can become closer, despite the distance.
RUN! They DO NOT CHANGE. You will need to show your mettle constantly as you will continue to be tested. I had left only to be called back by my parents. I believe they need us around for their mental health since most parents do not financially plan out their retirement. That's because they see the children as the next bread winner. The fear of God was used A LOT on me to "honor" them. I dance & sing daily knowing they will answer to a higher power before they pass. In short, RUN!
I must say I feel EXACTLY THE SAME. They like to make us feel guilty. God forgive me. Im raising my daughter without her Dad financial support. I still have to contribute to my parents. I still must think about my future. That its so selfish of them and they make us feel guilty
@@shehnazahmad5213 Stop contributing to your parents. They are USING you as their cash cow. You have yourself and your OWN daughter to take care of. Cut off contact if need be. I did. It was the BEST thing I ever did for my own sanity.
Go! Or you'll end up like me 33 & living at home, heartbroken I couldn't date bc of overbearing nosey parents, & now trying to grieve I may never find someone or have kids. It's easier to take a leap when you're young rather than finally having freedom this late in life. I stayed out of guilt trips & being yelled at by my parents that's it's wrong of me, that I'll end up "homeless" or "murdered." Live your life, God bless 🙏
I tell my kids to live their lives every chance I get. I regret not moving over the years because I felt responsible for my parents. I don’t ever want to do that to my kids. I’m 50ish now and my parents are gone. I’m feeling like I was stuck here for the best years of my life. And they never asked me to. I did it to myself. This young woman….be sure you aren’t doing this to yourself.
This! Although I just wanna say, it’s never to late to travel and do life differently 😊 I just graduated college and there was a 70 year old woman graduate with me! Follow your dreams and find happiness; there are no rules to YOUR life 💜
Omg as a first born i can identify with you. You are valuable to God and though we value our parents we must live our own lives. We can't live people lives or else we will live in regret. Stepping out into our own is scary but necessary. Take baby steps in the right direction.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m having such flashbacks listening to this. As someone who reached the resentment stage, John is right, choose the guilt. It feels like your world is going to implode when you do and I know the fear and distress is so real. But you know in your heart how you truly feel despite what words she may try and put in your mouth. My heart and prayers go out to you to have the strength to do this.
Both my mom and my dad were laying it on pretty thick when I said I was moving away and out of state. "what if you don't like it, you're stuck?" (no you arent) "What if you don't find work?" (why would I move there if that's the case?), "What if it isn't safe?" (You don't think I checked all that out?). It hurts a lot because it feels like they don't trust who you are and your judgement because it's not something that would ever do. You have to go or else you will never find out. If you think it's best it's just another instance of choosing guilt over resentment. I did it and it changed my life for the better in every way possible.
Oldest daughter too. So many coinkydinks. Whew. 😅 I had wanted to move to another province, but ended up just moving to another city. I’m much happier here. I’m just starting therapy and I would recommend continuing it for this girl. There is so much to unpack and unlearn. If you’re like me, I find that you feel like you need permission to live the life you want for yourself. It doesn’t help when your parents and the church lead you to believe you have to obey your parents without question until their dying breath, or your life will be cursed. I’m not yet strong enough to completely detach, and I need to secure myself financially before I truly live my life. It’s coming though. To be continued. I am so proud of you, and I’m rooting for you!
My husband’s mom tries to control everyone and it looks exhausting. She really can’t just relax. It’s sad but I couldn’t agree more that it’s not honoring her to feed her emotional sickness. We luckily live in another state. It’s annoying, true but mostly it’s sad to see. This caller is 28. By the time you’re 40 you won’t even care if she dies during no contact. You deserve to live your life.
"By the time you're 40, you won't care if she dies during no contract" Sad, very sad, but I'm there. I'm 40 and I feel like I'll only have peace when she's finally gone.
Overbearing moms? In the last eight years or so that I’ve cut her out of my life, I’ve sent cease & desist letter after cease & desist letter, time and time again. And filed a police report in 2019. To call my own mother overbearing and to say she knows no boundaries is an understatement. She directly contravened my desire to remain No Contact, which further ruins my trust not just w/ her but others, too. She found out my new addresses somehow. She’s unsuccessfully tried to reach me through my attorney (I blocked her a long time ago). She abused my father physically and emotionally when they were married (even an incident involving kitchen knife “grazing” his leg). Now, or then, she thought she could control me. Well she was sadly mistaken. I understand cutting your mom outta your life is taboo and yada yada, but it HAD to be done. Least I held nothing back. Over my dead body I come crawling back to her doorstep. Real sh!t.
Why don’t you at least send a Christmas card with a brag letter each year? Other than the letter and card, explain you want no other contact. I would at least do that. Damaged as she is, she is still your mother! You don’t have to put a return address on it. Get a P.O. Box or something.
@@stacyrich113 I never gave her any of my new addresses, she would just use my dad’s and assumed I was there. Now I understand why he never wanted to move back closer to our hometown. Mother or not, an abuser is an abuser and if you can’t understand or accept how or why I cut her out for very valid reasons then idk what else to say. She was an alcoholic who stabbed him in the leg with a kitchen knife. She remarried to a stepfather-from-hell and puts her pool parties and wine over me…Is that what you think is best for me?
Thank you, John! As the first born daughter of an immigrant family myself, this spoke to me on multiple levels, and greatly assisted in my own self-awareness and healing. Your wisdom is deeply appreciated!
I would definitely encourage this lady to go. Her soul needs it - it’s like soul expansion when you move to a new place (am referring to my own experience). I know it isn’t easy if her Mum is putting pressure on her to stay, however, she needs to be strong and follow her desires and gut instinct. Keep going and don’t back out. You’ll breathe differently when you get to your next town, state or country.
Thank you for this. I needed to hear this desperately. My mom is this way and I have been wondering how to handle the situation. It feels difficult to take steps without it being seen as an aggression or lack of honor. I think I have held onto the idea that if my mom really supports me being an adult and having a healthy life she will support my decisions. I think it's the fear in it turning out the other way that keeps you holding on. However it has become clearer that sitting in the situation is a dead end and that I have to depend on myself to move forward. Hearing this call makes me feel less isolated in this situation and more in control of myself. Thank you to the caller for having the courage to call in and Dr. D for another great perspective.
Read some books on narcissistic mothers and you can watch some very good videos on YT by psychologists on the topic and get OUT OF your mothers toxic grip ASAP!! Trust me!!
How to honor your overbearing mom? Leave her a$$ alone and do not allow her to abuse your.attention, time, and energy and hamper you from living your life and reaching your full potential.
It's not simple when you watched her struggle to raise you and your siblings. Especially, as a christian, it's difficult to honor the parent and distance yourself at the same time.
@alluringbliss4165 there is nuance to consider here, and I come from a Christian background and relate to struggling to understand how to justify creating distance from a parent who was trampling my boundaries. I grew up listening to him confide in me about his personal life. I covered up for him when he committed numerous acts of fraud that involved me and my siblings' credit being ruined before we were even 19. I thought I "had to" do what he wanted because "children obey parents". Yes, CHILDREN are called to obey parents. Adults are no longer children and get to decide who they want in their life and under what conditions...any parent who refuses to recognize this or respect personal boundaries and autonomy will need to deal with what follows after that.
@@smustipher I can relate, I learned to be deceptive because it was forced on me and out of fear, I could not assert myself. I grew up with aunt and uncle but left the country.
im so sorry. awful to have a parent or person in your life like that. BUT you can't do anything about it. you said "no matter what we do". that's right. and you were probably taught that you had to try and make her happy-and you can't. Guilt and shame were and are probably used on your and your siblings. You cant do anything. Please please consider counseling or working with a professional to help you sort this out. It really does work. I promise.
Ouch. Hearing being a Christian equals not having a voice with your mother makes me feel scared, unsure and physically sick. Being raised in a ‘Christian’ home by a controlling mother is awful. When you stand for yourself she will play guilt, control cards and you will give in because that’s what she taught you to do. You should make your own decisions but I’m afraid you won’t. Remember she did what a mother was supposed to do! She protected her children, clothed you, fed you kept you safe. You don’t owe her for doing her job and I’m a perfect world she would want more for you not to kept you bound to her as a child.
My ex husband and his sisters are still under their mothers control and they are almost in their 60s. They have allowed her to ruin their marriages and will bow to her every command because “ it’s mommy” or mommy will be unhappy. Yet their is a slow simmer with each one of them they are bitter.
Send each one a book on the narcissistic mother and the book on "boundries" that the Ramsey team hand out. They can still escape if they want to. They will feel so much better about themselves if they actually escape on their own rather than waiting for her to die, which is probably what they are doing.
This call is making me think. My mom isn’t this overbearing and can be independent, BUT I’m single, almost in my mid-30s and my mom is moving overseas to live with me for a few years now that she’s retired and widowed. I’m excited but somewhat nervous of what life with her will be like in my apartment.
I grew up Catholic and am still very Catholic. Please don't blame the faith for being a pushover. We are called to love but we are commanded to love our neighbour AS we love ourselves.
A Mom here go do it she will understand ❤ Also she prob like me would just like a family life which can come in if u have kids maybe look back at it then
I secretly planned to move back to my home stare which was 7 states away from my parents. I thought they wouldn't approve but 3 yrs later im 7 states away and we are on good terms.
I have a lovely mother, but we actually went to counseling for a short time when I was in my early-30s. We just needed an impartial party to tell us to let the other one live her own life.
That problem is not from the Catholic Church. The church encourages us to question and dive in and to not believe “just because “. It is known that God gave us a brain and wants us to use it! Why do you think their are so scholars and teachings and having proof of the history as much as possible. ? Her mom instilled this in her daughter probably as it was the way she was taught growing up especially in a foreign country.
Jo, I hope you read this comment. Forgive your mother. Do what it is you want to do - in this case, move cities, or states, or whatever- and forgive your mom. Your mom had to fight to keep her own head above water, keeping both her children and herself safe emotionally, physically and financially. She struggled a lot. She felt lonely a lot. She kept it all inside and only showed you the 'strong' side of her. Just do what you it is you want without argument or tears. If she says you won't survive without her, ignore it. She's frightened she can't keep a watch over you anymore, and she doesn't know who she is without feeling Like her children need her to survive. You are a full grown adult. Your mom was unlikely to be living with her own parents at the age of 28. She loves you very much. Forgive her, and stop fretting! On a different topic, personally, it bothers me when people themselves out to be victims because they've been raised in a Christian home. God is goodness and compassion itself, and His love for us far exceeds our comprehension. To be raised as a Christian is a great gift.
First born of immigrant mother here. I tried to understand and excuse my mother for being controlling and over protective because she was in a strange land but many years later realized that it was causing me to resent her. Love your mother but live your life. She made her choices, now you need to make your own. Don’t let her guilt trip you because they become experts at that. Eventually she’ll understand. Good luck to you girl.
Thank you so much for your post❤
I feel this as the firstborn daughter to a Christian Eastern European mom. This was so true ❤️
Immigrant mom here. I’m trying not to be like your mom, no offense. There’s a lot to learn.
@@mozzarellakit4548 It's hard in general but as an immigrant you also need to admit a lot of what you know is just plain wrong. This is true of all parents more and more as things change much more quickly but your knowledge of how X works is even more likely to be completely wrong.
@@JudePi-jx7yo yup there’s a lot to learn and unlearn
I Love this girl. She is so sweet, witty, and naturally nurturing. I pray that she soars, and that her family get to appreciate her for the gem she is. I also hope that she and her mother can become closer, despite the distance.
RUN! They DO NOT CHANGE. You will need to show your mettle constantly as you will continue to be tested. I had left only to be called back by my parents. I believe they need us around for their mental health since most parents do not financially plan out their retirement. That's because they see the children as the next bread winner. The fear of God was used A LOT on me to "honor" them. I dance & sing daily knowing they will answer to a higher power before they pass. In short, RUN!
I must say I feel EXACTLY THE SAME. They like to make us feel guilty. God forgive me. Im raising my daughter without her Dad financial support. I still have to contribute to my parents. I still must think about my future. That its so selfish of them and they make us feel guilty
@@shehnazahmad5213 Stop contributing to your parents. They are USING you as their cash cow. You have yourself and your OWN daughter to take care of. Cut off contact if need be. I did. It was the BEST thing I ever did for my own sanity.
This is way over the top. Calm down.
Ha ha. You sound like a typical 18 year old.
Such an articulate caller.
Go! Or you'll end up like me 33 & living at home, heartbroken I couldn't date bc of overbearing nosey parents, & now trying to grieve I may never find someone or have kids. It's easier to take a leap when you're young rather than finally having freedom this late in life. I stayed out of guilt trips & being yelled at by my parents that's it's wrong of me, that I'll end up "homeless" or "murdered." Live your life, God bless 🙏
I found my partner at 35, have two kids and all is well 😊
Juciy, you go! Your love life and child opportunities are not over at 33! Not even close ♥️
You deserve to be loved unconditionally and to have the joy of having your own family! You’re still young GO LIVE YOUR LIFE ❤
33 isn’t too late at all. Get moving.
Use this as motivation and get out!! 33 is not too old but don't waste anymore time. I had my kids at 33 and 37.
I tell my kids to live their lives every chance I get. I regret not moving over the years because I felt responsible for my parents. I don’t ever want to do that to my kids. I’m 50ish now and my parents are gone. I’m feeling like I was stuck here for the best years of my life. And they never asked me to. I did it to myself. This young woman….be sure you aren’t doing this to yourself.
❤
This 💜
This! Although I just wanna say, it’s never to late to travel and do life differently 😊 I just graduated college and there was a 70 year old woman graduate with me! Follow your dreams and find happiness; there are no rules to YOUR life 💜
Omg as a first born i can identify with you. You are valuable to God and though we value our parents we must live our own lives. We can't live people lives or else we will live in regret. Stepping out into our own is scary but necessary. Take baby steps in the right direction.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m having such flashbacks listening to this. As someone who reached the resentment stage, John is right, choose the guilt. It feels like your world is going to implode when you do and I know the fear and distress is so real. But you know in your heart how you truly feel despite what words she may try and put in your mouth. My heart and prayers go out to you to have the strength to do this.
Sharp sweetie. Her Mom needs to let her daughter live her life as she did.
Both my mom and my dad were laying it on pretty thick when I said I was moving away and out of state. "what if you don't like it, you're stuck?" (no you arent) "What if you don't find work?" (why would I move there if that's the case?), "What if it isn't safe?" (You don't think I checked all that out?). It hurts a lot because it feels like they don't trust who you are and your judgement because it's not something that would ever do. You have to go or else you will never find out. If you think it's best it's just another instance of choosing guilt over resentment. I did it and it changed my life for the better in every way possible.
As the daughter of immigrant religious parents, I feel you and I hear you. It’s like we had the same life, except my dad was there.
Oldest daughter too. So many coinkydinks. Whew. 😅 I had wanted to move to another province, but ended up just moving to another city. I’m much happier here. I’m just starting therapy and I would recommend continuing it for this girl. There is so much to unpack and unlearn. If you’re like me, I find that you feel like you need permission to live the life you want for yourself. It doesn’t help when your parents and the church lead you to believe you have to obey your parents without question until their dying breath, or your life will be cursed.
I’m not yet strong enough to completely detach, and I need to secure myself financially before I truly live my life. It’s coming though. To be continued. I am so proud of you, and I’m rooting for you!
My husband’s mom tries to control everyone and it looks exhausting. She really can’t just relax. It’s sad but I couldn’t agree more that it’s not honoring her to feed her emotional sickness. We luckily live in another state. It’s annoying, true but mostly it’s sad to see. This caller is 28. By the time you’re 40 you won’t even care if she dies during no contact. You deserve to live your life.
"By the time you're 40, you won't care if she dies during no contract"
Sad, very sad, but I'm there. I'm 40 and I feel like I'll only have peace when she's finally gone.
Overbearing moms? In the last eight years or so that I’ve cut her out of my life, I’ve sent cease & desist letter after cease & desist letter, time and time again. And filed a police report in 2019. To call my own mother overbearing and to say she knows no boundaries is an understatement.
She directly contravened my desire to remain No Contact, which further ruins my trust not just w/ her but others, too. She found out my new addresses somehow. She’s unsuccessfully tried to reach me through my attorney (I blocked her a long time ago). She abused my father physically and emotionally when they were married (even an incident involving kitchen knife “grazing” his leg).
Now, or then, she thought she could control me. Well she was sadly mistaken. I understand cutting your mom outta your life is taboo and yada yada, but it HAD to be done. Least I held nothing back.
Over my dead body I come crawling back to her doorstep. Real sh!t.
Why don’t you at least send a Christmas card with a brag letter each year? Other than the letter and card, explain you want no other contact. I would at least do that. Damaged as she is, she is still your mother! You don’t have to put a return address on it. Get a P.O. Box or something.
@@stacyrich113 I never gave her any of my new addresses, she would just use my dad’s and assumed I was there. Now I understand why he never wanted to move back closer to our hometown.
Mother or not, an abuser is an abuser and if you can’t understand or accept how or why I cut her out for very valid reasons then idk what else to say. She was an alcoholic who stabbed him in the leg with a kitchen knife. She remarried to a stepfather-from-hell and puts her pool parties and wine over me…Is that what you think is best for me?
"Why dont you tell your abuser how you're doing a few times a year?" HMMM I WONDER@@stacyrich113
@@stacyrich113 you totally dismissed her wanting no contact. “She’s your MOTHER!!!” So?
@skr8674 gross. Where did you miss the mother was abusive af? An abused person has no obligation to their abuser, regardless who they are.
Thank you, John! As the first born daughter of an immigrant family myself, this spoke to me on multiple levels, and greatly assisted in my own self-awareness and healing. Your wisdom is deeply appreciated!
I would definitely encourage this lady to go. Her soul needs it - it’s like soul expansion when you move to a new place (am referring to my own experience). I know it isn’t easy if her Mum is putting pressure on her to stay, however, she needs to be strong and follow her desires and gut instinct. Keep going and don’t back out. You’ll breathe differently when you get to your next town, state or country.
Thank you for this. I needed to hear this desperately. My mom is this way and I have been wondering how to handle the situation. It feels difficult to take steps without it being seen as an aggression or lack of honor. I think I have held onto the idea that if my mom really supports me being an adult and having a healthy life she will support my decisions. I think it's the fear in it turning out the other way that keeps you holding on. However it has become clearer that sitting in the situation is a dead end and that I have to depend on myself to move forward. Hearing this call makes me feel less isolated in this situation and more in control of myself. Thank you to the caller for having the courage to call in and Dr. D for another great perspective.
Read some books on narcissistic mothers and you can watch some very good videos on YT by psychologists on the topic and get OUT OF your mothers toxic grip ASAP!! Trust me!!
Your mom does not get to define what it means for you to “honor” her.
🙌🏻👏🏻
Jo!!! I completely relate to you. I’m a Christian and also first gen (oldest). Thank you!!!
How to honor your overbearing mom? Leave her a$$ alone and do not allow her to abuse your.attention, time, and energy and hamper you from living your life and reaching your full potential.
It's not simple when you watched her struggle to raise you and your siblings. Especially, as a christian, it's difficult to honor the parent and distance yourself at the same time.
@alluringbliss4165 there is nuance to consider here, and I come from a Christian background and relate to struggling to understand how to justify creating distance from a parent who was trampling my boundaries. I grew up listening to him confide in me about his personal life. I covered up for him when he committed numerous acts of fraud that involved me and my siblings' credit being ruined before we were even 19. I thought I "had to" do what he wanted because "children obey parents". Yes, CHILDREN are called to obey parents. Adults are no longer children and get to decide who they want in their life and under what conditions...any parent who refuses to recognize this or respect personal boundaries and autonomy will need to deal with what follows after that.
@@smustipher I can relate, I learned to be deceptive because it was forced on me and out of fear, I could not assert myself. I grew up with aunt and uncle but left the country.
My Mom never ever happy with us myself Im 47 only daughter + 5 brothers. No matter what we do. She always wants more
im so sorry. awful to have a parent or person in your life like that. BUT you can't do anything about it. you said "no matter what we do". that's right. and you were probably taught that you had to try and make her happy-and you can't. Guilt and shame were and are probably used on your and your siblings. You cant do anything. Please please consider counseling or working with a professional to help you sort this out. It really does work. I promise.
Ouch. Hearing being a Christian equals not having a voice with your mother makes me feel scared, unsure and physically sick. Being raised in a ‘Christian’ home by a controlling mother is awful. When you stand for yourself she will play guilt, control cards and you will give in because that’s what she taught you to do. You should make your own decisions but I’m afraid you won’t.
Remember she did what a mother was supposed to do! She protected her children, clothed you, fed you kept you safe. You don’t owe her for doing her job and I’m a perfect world she would want more for you not to kept you bound to her as a child.
Thats Christianity catholic
My ex husband and his sisters are still under their mothers control and they are almost in their 60s. They have allowed her to ruin their marriages and will bow to her every command because “ it’s mommy” or mommy will be unhappy. Yet their is a slow simmer with each one of them they are bitter.
Send each one a book on the narcissistic mother and the book on "boundries" that the Ramsey team hand out. They can still escape if they want to. They will feel so much better about themselves if they actually escape on their own rather than waiting for her to die, which is probably what they are doing.
@@offgridjack5779 yes his sister told my daughter that’s what she is waiting for.
Kudos to Jo for finishing nursing school!
This call is making me think. My mom isn’t this overbearing and can be independent, BUT I’m single, almost in my mid-30s and my mom is moving overseas to live with me for a few years now that she’s retired and widowed. I’m excited but somewhat nervous of what life with her will be like in my apartment.
oof. couldnt relate to her more. all i can say is, make the jump in faith. it gets better & everyone will be ok.
I grew up Catholic and am still very Catholic. Please don't blame the faith for being a pushover. We are called to love but we are commanded to love our neighbour AS we love ourselves.
And molest children
A Mom here go do it she will understand ❤ Also she prob like me would just like a family life which can come in if u have kids maybe look back at it then
I secretly planned to move back to my home stare which was 7 states away from my parents. I thought they wouldn't approve but 3 yrs later im 7 states away and we are on good terms.
Sorry to hear th about a hurdle in your journey, just acknowledging innocence nickel for thoughts 💭 🙌 funny girlie
I have a lovely mother, but we actually went to counseling for a short time when I was in my early-30s. We just needed an impartial party to tell us to let the other one live her own life.
Move away ASAP!! She will try to guilt trip you to the max to keep you there for the rest of her life if you LET her.
That problem is not from the Catholic Church. The church encourages us to question and dive in and to not believe “just because “. It is known that God gave us a brain and wants us to use it! Why do you think their are so scholars and teachings and having proof of the history as much as possible. ?
Her mom instilled this in her daughter probably as it was the way she was taught growing up especially in a foreign country.
Jo, I hope you read this comment.
Forgive your mother. Do what it is you want to do - in this case, move cities, or states, or whatever- and forgive your mom.
Your mom had to fight to keep her own head above water, keeping both her children and herself safe emotionally, physically and financially. She struggled a lot. She felt lonely a lot. She kept it all inside and only showed you the 'strong' side of her.
Just do what you it is you want without argument or tears.
If she says you won't survive without her, ignore it. She's frightened she can't keep a watch over you anymore, and she doesn't know who she is without feeling Like her children need her to survive.
You are a full grown adult. Your mom was unlikely to be living with her own parents at the age of 28. She loves you very much. Forgive her, and stop fretting!
On a different topic, personally, it bothers me when people themselves out to be victims because they've been raised in a Christian home. God is goodness and compassion itself, and His love for us far exceeds our comprehension. To be raised as a Christian is a great gift.
Daughter needs to grow up. Mommy will always there, but she needs to be independent.
This is why I cringe when he says go talk to a pastor. I know of so many that give advice that is harmful.
And
She’s a nurse to an overbearing immigrant mom and catholic? Must be from the Philippines 😅
Stop interrupting please and let her finish
Never go to a religious person for advice.
Smart to leave Chicago. High taxes and crime.
Grow a backbone and not stop letting your mom control you
Stop making yourself out to be such a martyr. Get over yourself, lady.
Oh shut up John… your first abuser …. Honestly percentages please