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One thing that drew me to my significant other is that she was clearly upset at the way dating sites work and the whole dating culture. It showed me that she expected traditional things that were rare/hard to find, and wasn't the usual bag of red flags. We both went into dating having some bitterness and anger at how our society has conditioned people to be incapable of long term relationships, but since we saw each other as an exception to the usual bad experience, it's 11 years later and we're still happy together. If you're sane, and older than 20, you've probably got some very good reasons to have at least a little bitterness or anger... to get rid of that would require a lobotomy.
When a girl provides sexual pleasure to sexually frustrated men, and she feels no hesitation to talk to those sexually frustrated men but she shows hesitation about talking to a particular guy who she likes, so doesn't it mean that she is having mental problems, she is sleazy, and she has no self respect?
That's a big one. I think especially if you've been single for a while, a relationship seems like this amazing, almost divine thing- and then you get in one, and it doesn't even come close to your expectations because you've hyped it up so much.
0:28 1. You are bitter or angry. 3:08 2. You are not fully over someone else. 4:25 3. You are emotionally unavailable or immature. 5:44 4. You do not want to put in the work or effort. 7:35 5. You are not willing to compromise.
@Syndicated Satellite nothing is worse than "still figuring out" or slightly better " short open to long." Then pair those with that with not knowing if they want kids yet. Like, jeez, how indecisive are you.
Lots of women in the West are essentially any combination of the last three points. No wonder relationships there rarely last long term, or why despite the rise of international relationships, hardly anyone goes for born-and-raised Americans (the ones with very little cultural ties to someplace else)
I’m not ready at the moment. I want to improve myself first mentally and physically. I’m going to start going to the gym, eating healthy, improving my fashion and saving money. I want to be at my best and I’m no where near that yet.
I hope you get there, but sometimes situation in life don't allow for it to happen. Then you wake up one day and you turn 50 and realize it's a little late. So like that song goes " If you can't please everybody you got to please yourself.
I’m single and have finally gotten to a point in my life where I desire to be in a long term relationship, but I’m tired of first dates and spending money in the process for it to not end up anywhere. That’s the most discouraging part for me.
That's on you. You don't need to spend money on the first dates at all. You eather put too much pressure on yourself to impress a woman or you are dating the wrong kind of women if they expect you to pay for fancy dinners etc. 🤷♀️
*Before entering a relationship, assess if you can genuinely commit to the emotional and mental energy required. It’s better to wait until you’re in a stable and balanced place where you can give the relationship the care and attention it deserves.*
Spot on! I was bitter for awhile about how my last relationship ended. Went on a Tinder date recently where my date told me she still had feelings and “would always” have feelings for her ex. Yeah that didn’t last.
@@MadRespectTV Yeah. I tried to understand at first (she claimed they broke up over not wanting kids Vs him wanting). Then I found out he still lived 5 minutes away from her and wanted to know “if it would be a problem” if they hung out, because they broke up over an issue mutually. Nah. I’m good.
I always get told by people “I have high standards”. I feel there are something that shouldn’t be compromised on. For example, I think have a common worldview is an important pillar in a relationship. Also, dating with same intentions is extremely important as well.
Politics; kids, both if you want them and how many; religion. These are just a few non negotiables that should not be compromised. I don’t think these are high standards, I just think the higher comparability in these areas leads to fewer arguments and resentment in the future
Our cultural upbringing encompasses most of these things. Those of us that value our culture ethnicity and imbue our American civil liberties and founding ideals. Meaning, family, friendship community. And people that put politics in their bio have become a sort of pariah. Let's those of us who are done with it, find each other.
Courtney correctly points out that there is a difference between preferences and standards. Standards are your minimum requirements, and preferences are things you would like to get if you can. People too often confuse these two things. There are a few things you should never compromise on. And then there are a lot of things you should. You bring certain things to the table, and that gives you a value to members of the opposite sex. It's referred to as your SMV (Sexual Market Value) The question then becomes, what can you get for that? Think of it like buying a television. You might not be able to afford the most expensive one. Or maybe what you really want isn't in stock. So, what do you do? You figure out what features you really need and try to get the best bargain.
Date someone that is lower than your standards and you will see why your standards were high. Speaking from experience. Common base worldview is really important. Good one.
I just went through a (thankfully) peaceful divorce after eight years. I have two kids and I'm living alone again just trying to be a good dad. Although there are periods of loneliness, I'm convinced, for me at least, that the single life is way better. I'm 42 and I now know that marriage just isn't for me. Will I meet someone special in the future when I can barely walk? Maybe. But I love the way it is now. I finally feel free again and can be ME. No walking on egg shells anymore.
Relationship takes works on the man and woman. It's a two way street. There's always something you don't like about someone. Maybe you're neat and the other person is messy.
men are always expected to put in effort. So this isnt a man problem! Men are usually expected to work hard and level up in every aspect of life. We hear it from a very young age. men who dont are jaded because they worked hard, played by the rules, lost it all anyways and got shamed & blamed for it.
I can honestly say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been since childhood. I’m currently going to school to become a Nurse and I just picked up a summer job. Granted I’m only 20, but I battled a-lot of demons and project my own misery onto others during my teenage years. Lost a lot of friends and my attitude strongly affected my relationship with my mother. I graduated high school in 2021 and during Covid I became a stress eater. I stopped being an asshole but the weight just packed on. I graduated 185 pounds . 4 months ago I weighed in at 235. That must of been my magical number because I completely overhauled my diet and started working out for the first time. In these past 4 months, I’ve lost 22.5 pounds and this morning I weighed myself at 212.5 pounds. I feel absolutely amazing and I’m also starting to to see muscle definition appear in my upper body, which I’ve never had before. So mentally, I crossed all these points off in your video. I just feel like holding off on dating still and working on my physical health and college. Granted I’m open to the idea, just not a obsessively pursuing it. About a month or two back my mom talked to me about all my positive changes that have I have made. She told me this is the happiest she seen me I a very long time and that it finally feels like she has her son back🥹
Now that's personal growth right there, you're taking control and making positive change happen, something you're rightly proud of. Good luck with your studies, the world always needs more healers!
Oh my goodness i needed this. Just got divorced and need to heal. All my guy friends are talking up the single life and trying to get me to ask out every girl around. I'm just not there yet. I dont want to waste my time or any girls time.
I've been very bitter and lonely for a long time, definitely within the first category. One thing that I've found that helps with this is establishing hobbies and activities that still provide a social life.
Nothing wrong with being bitter! Keep in mind that our negative emotions tend to hurt US more than they hurt others. So try to resolve your bitterness for your own peace of mind, so YOU can be well-regulated, and not to benefit some broad! She aint worth it! Women like JERKS! In spite of everything they say otherwise, if she has a choice between a nice guy and a jerk, she will choose the jerk everytime and she KNOWS it! so let your bitterness bring out your inner jerk; let it bring out an edge to you. Its that part that turns them on! They want to chase and tame the wild stallion!
49 here and never had a relationship. Ever. I’m the textbook definition of a man child. I purposely avoid dating, meeting others even flirting. Simply because I’d make a horrible partner. Id rather play video games, travel and work out. As you said Courtney I’m way too emotionally immature and the thought of a partner is like a second job. I don’t want to put in the effort at all. The thought is like having to get a route canal. I’m also way too selfish to compromise. The difference is I know all this. I feel like I’m doing everyone a service by not dating.
Don't feel so bad. It is amazing how we can be so different, yet end up with the same result. I'm 45 years old and still a virgin. Never been on a date, not even once. However! I served in the military for 26 years, Earned an associates, Completed a 5 year apprenticeship and earned an occupational license in the trades, And finally, as of last year, paid off my house, as humble as it is. it's mine! Yet, none of it was ever good enough, in spite of all the wails of "Where are all the good men?" that gets forced fed down my face. I guess I'm not ready to date... I was not always this angry and bitter, I was grown into it.
@@nobodysperfect06 Huh? whatch you talkin about, Dr Phil? Men are bitter because of women! Many many women go through men like Sherman went through Georgia! as long as women have no trouble getting men, we are cheap & disposable and men bear the scars! Likewise, chads do it to many women as well, because women are easy & plentiful to them! the harder it is to get something, the more we treat it as a treasure! Most guys are used to being treated like a chinese trinket! if you dont want men to be angry, tell women to treat men like they treat their favorite pet!
@@samuelproszek7427 Look up 'speed dating' or 'six minute speed dating' and find the nearest one by location. If anything, it's a good way to kill some time and talk to women. I went to three of those 7 years ago and scored 1 date, and she ended up being an absolute loser. My point is, at least try dating to figure out if you even like it, as you can see above, some of us don't.
Last time I was in a relationship was roughly 8 years ago. I havent been on a date since then. It's also incredible hard to persue relationships when you have ASD.
This is great Courtney. The points you make that resonated the most with me were not getting over a previous crush and not commiting to improve myself. I feel like both of these reasons to varying degrees are holding me back in the dating game.
I just got out of a relationship where I was told my efforts never counted or never mattered. All she cared about was being taken on dates, but not about how much I put in around our apartment or to keep us going (e.g., cooking, cleaning, etc.). Then she would tell me it was my fault, but she never did anything to support me. It's so hard to hear the effort example though for some reason cause I still feel like maybe I actually wasn't putting in enough effort, but I put in so much for so long and then when I needed the support for real, she blamed me further.
Well don’t blame your self man you put the effort in and she didn’t simple as that .I had relationship similar to that I would drive 3 hours to see her and I would put a lot of effort to spend time with her but she expected me how social media relationships are . And I that wasn’t me I even told that too . But somehow it got to her then I realized I don’t need that type of energy . took it took awhile for me understand that I did my part and she didn’t . And that’s that. But there be someone who will recognize the effort you put in whatever relationship you have next time . Keep going dawg .
There is a theory/book called "5 love languages" which describes your problem with the previous girl pretty well. You were expressing love with service and she wants it expressed with time (or possibly gifts if the dates are intended to be expensive). The gaslighting at the end of the relationship is not stuff you should tolerate but unfortunately is pretty common practice when the relationship is already holed below the waterline.
I haven't dated since 2011 and now I realized I wasn't ready to date then. Dating is hard and not worth the effort anymore but of others want to jump in the dating pool, this is great advice.
For me, I tried dating a little when I was 18-20 years old. 1988-1990. I haven't dated since. And it was the best decision I could have made. It wasn't a good idea for me then, and it would be an even worse idea for me now. And I'm autistic. So, however difficult it might be for you, multiply that by a factor of 10. As the saying goes, the juice is isn't worth the squeeze.
@@Herozonex200 It really shouldn't in general. But even in the best of situations, there will always be unusual cases like mine where it's going to be difficult regardless. And people need to honestly assess the situation and decide whether it's worth it for them.
I feel you must be a fully healed and perfect specimen for relationships. I've been emotionally f***ed up and broken since my dad passed suddenly three years ago. Even with therapy and medication, there are certain parts of me that have drastically changed and will never fully be the same again. Relationships are like raising and potty training a puppy or kitten, and I don't have the time, patience, and capability of getting involved in that ordeal.
Good points. Far too many people bounce around between partners because they can't stand the thought of being alone, yet they haven't really done the internal work required to make relationships last. I get that it's rough out there, but there is an aspect of individual contributions to those situations most of the time. At the end of the day, it seems like people who are ready to date and willing to put in the effort will make it happen with the right person. If you're not really ready for it, even if you say to others that you are, it's unlikely to really work out and you're better off waiting until it's actually time.
which is funny because that's usually what happens anyway they end up alone and unhappy because the other person does not want to do the work to fix the problems within the relationship
For the longest time, I was in denial. I was bitter, angry and not over my first ex-girlfriend. I thought I was but all evidence to the contrary proved otherwise. I finally talked to a therapist and she helped through a lot of stuff. I am emotionally mature/available, put in the right effort, willing to compromise. The thing is, I’ve dated or gone on dates with women who expect me to do all of that and then some BUT DO NOT DO IT FOR ME. Any effort I put in was not reciprocated at all so that’s why I’ve been single for three years now.
I often hear the advice that you just need to go on more dates. Ok, sure. I've seen girls say they went on 100 dates over the course of a year (around 2 dates a week) before they found the right guy. That's great for a girl. Unfortunately for a man 100 dates can easily cost you over $10,000. That's a lot of money
You guys are correct, of course 😂. I went on three dates so far this year, and that's a hot streak. I went on maybe 1 or 2 last year, and none the year before 🤷🏾♂️. Been single for 13 years
@@IaconDawnshire I have had 1 date since my divorce, which was 7 years ago. Ladies are holding out for Chad Chaddington, but im just a Brad Bradington! You are not alone, my friend!
I'm more of #4 than anything else. I don't bother trying. Then again, I'm working a full time gig, into my hobbies and still trying to grow as a person. I mean I work on my appearance and all however, I just haven't bothered asking someone out or wanted to seriously seek a relationship. It's not that I'm even afraid to be with someone, I'm very comfortable being alone. Too comfortable.
Very important video. I usually have criticisms for dating related videos I've seen, but I got nothing to criticise here. I agree with all the points here. Love it!
Lol so many good points. Immediately clicked play when I saw the notification because I knew I wasn't ready yet. Very validating and illuminating on next steps.
Thanks for this Courtney!! I realised I wasn't ready after multiple women said that I was both emotionally and physically unavailable where I would just be too busy to be entertaining dates. You are bang on with everything in this video!
You were unavailable, or their expectations were so high they could not be satisfied with what you offered? Don't automatically accept the blame just because a couple of women said so.
"evaluate it"👌 Listen to her! If you refuse to process your emotions, they will linger on. For years. You'll get stuck without realizing it. That's how you get those bitter middle-aged people with chronic dead eyes. Do NOT suppress a breakup or a rejection or a fight. Cry, scream into a pillow, then calm down, think, learn and if you can't seem to get it out of you, get help like she said. LISTEN TO HER! sheesh...
The one that I am having a lot of trouble with is putting myself out, because of the past friendships that thank god didnt turn into dating relationships, which i am still having trouble getting over. The part where Courtney mentions that men and women say that "all women are bad," or "all men are bad," i do get those thoughts, but at the same time I tell myself, there are good women out there, and not all are bad. One thing that I do want to say is, despite how toxic society is its just so difficult to talk to people. I mean I used to be extrovereted but since COVID I have changed and I will admit it. However, one thing that I have noticed or it could just be me, many couples are breaking up or getting divorced and it breaks my heart.
Thank you for posting these videos! They are providing useful things for me to think about, and I believe some videos may provide a starting point for discussion about important topics!
Yeah I would say I’m not ready at the moment. I have been struggling with social anxiety from interacting with co-workers and am actually working with a psychiatrist and actively looking for a therapist for managing it. I also can have some difficulty with trusting new people. I’m not that emotionally available right now. But hopefully with me getting the help I’ll be ready to date by the end of this year 😄
I feel these are all great things with regards to dating oneself. Once I started loving myself and being able to take myself out on dates just for myself, that’s when it became a lot easier to talk to others and go on dates. That and practicing boundaries for myself. ❤️
@@HoonDing I’ll take myself to dinner and a movie, karaoke, or even on a walk. These are things I really enjoy. I’ve done it intentionally as if it’s a date, and not a way to escape boredom or loneliness. It’s a way for me to connect with myself.
I totally agree. If you are not comfortable with yourself, how can you expect someone else to be comfortable with you?!? Also going on these "dates with yourself" can be construed as research or practice for when you take another person along with you the next time. Practice makes perfect! As long as you don't go to any certain location so often that you develop a first name relationship. If you do, be prepared to explain yourself if asked!
I lost my boyfriend and father of 2 children 4 years ago. I've been very lonely, and the desire to find someone else is there. At the same time, I still hold onto a lot of sadness and anger from my loss. We had plans to be married, he was an amazing father and friend, and although we had our differences I've never met someone you saw me so completely and understood me when no one else did. There's not a day that goes by I don't get upset thinking about the life we could've had. I want to love someone again like that, and I don't know if I ever will be able to.
This is a golden video Courtney. All 5 items are first order Requirements. You do have to make compromises. But only in your preferences, not your standards. If you sense you are compromising a standard, 1st take some time evaluating whether it really is a standard and not a preference before you act on it. People, men and women, often will 'over classify' preferences into standards, like women with their height or income requirements. Men with all kinds of unrealistic appearance requirements. Both sides with their mostly unknowable body count fears. We are all our worst enemies in the "compromises" arena. Both sides looking for the wrong things often. Rejecting each other over petty desires (preferences) that just get in the way of real love.
@@williamnunn8847 may be true, but how can you actually know someones body count for sure unless you have already known them for years? You may just be making assumptions
@@zakosist I am not making an assumption that in many respects, being with a lot of men or women increases the risk of emotional confusion or insecure attachment. I don’t really know what I want now, as I want parts of everyone i was with.
@@williamnunn8847 what I was referring to is whether you assume you know someones body count. Not whether it affects pair bonding. It may very well be true. But you cannot know someones personal history without knowing them well as a person
@@williamnunn8847 OK, what number is "a lot"? Is it the same number for a 20YO as a 30YO? Then how many per year is OK? What if she was married and did it every day for 4 years? Does that count as 1 or 4x 365? That's a lot of chunka-chunka. There is of course a limit for every man (and most women), but the limit CANNOT be a number, because women don't know the number, but if it was high, they'd likely fib about it anyway. And men have a different number for every woman, even though they don't even know a number. Do you know your number? If your number is higher than hers, is that an OK or a fail? You say "body count affects pair bonding". I think it may. When you ask that accusatory question, it will be the end of any kind of bonding most likely. If you meet her and think she's a floozie, then try a different one. If you have sex with her and think she's way to accomplished in bed, that may be a clue, or maybe she just reads a lot of romance novels or was in an LTR with an experienced man. There is likely no bigger gaggle screw a man can get himself into than getting concerned about body count. It will only affect "pair bonding" if at least 1 person in the pair makes it so. There is no such thing as "only a little bit NON-virgin". Wear a condom always until you are exclusive.
About # 4 on Courtney’s list, I cannot drive and I willing to take a 2 hour 50 minute+ bus trip to meet and save woman the cost of travel. # 3 I definitely resonate with.
Important things: 0:27 First thing - You are bitter / angry; 3:07 Second thing - You are not fully over somebody else; 4:24 Third thing - You're emotionally unavailable; 5:43 Fourth thing - You don't want to put in the work; 7:35 Fifth thing - You're not willing to compromise, and 9:35 To summarize all the told here. Among the all the mentioned things, I might say few other things. And those are: Sixth thing - You're not taking responsibility; Seventh thing - You're not taking initiative; and Eight thing - You're not relaxed (to know when to be serious, and when relaxed). From everything said here, we can reduce it to only one thing. And that is immaturity. The immaturity shows that you're not willing to show how much you are responsible for your way of living, talking to people, doing jobs, solving problems, etc. You have to be mature, enough to know to see what is good, and what is bad in any relationships, and life situations. Do you know what is Love + Responsibility? Love + Responsibility = Freedom. Meaning, I'm accepting you with all your flaws and virtues, and also I'm taking a life into my hands to live it the way how I want, and how I wish, while not endangering anyone. Also, this freedom means, I'm willing to find a compromise in order to be good for either you, and either me as well. This is In healthy relationships, I mean to say that (just to understand each other). In order to solve the problem of the all mentioned things, you have to work on yourself. One day you will say to yourself this: "I'm very glad that I didn't give up on myself, when decided to work on myself as well." Help yourselves dear people to be a better version of yourself. If you need help, ask for help. We all need sometimes help. And that is quite normal thing.
I completely agree with the point of taking time to heal from a previous relationship. Years ago, I took the time to heal from a bad situationship, and it was the best move I could have ever made.
The girl I was talking to for the past five months exhibited the emotional signs, but I didn’t see it until this video. But at least she had enough respect to just say that she didn’t think she was ready for a relationship at the time. So we parted on good terms, but it still blows.
The biggest sign you don't want to be in a relationship is that you fail to understand that there is a lot of compromise in love and that you want everything on your own terms. The single life and married life are very different and some say they want a relationship but are still very attached to their single life and routine.
EVERYONE is attached to their comfortable routine. that alone is not an indicator. especially the older you get, you will notice how much a creature of habit you are AND how disoriented you may feel when you miss steps in your typical routine.
Spot on Courtney ive been single my whole life and im ready to start a long term relationship im ready to put in the work and effort in order for this to work, i have a healthy and positive mindset and a healthy personality!! All im waiting for now is a perfect partner
There are parts of all of these signs that I feel I relate to, with the exception of not being fully over someone else. There are any number of things that I could point to as to why I’m not in a relationship. For the most part, at this point in my life, I’ve gotten used to not being in a relationship. I don’t know which one you would classify this under, but the biggest thing for me is that I just don’t consider myself worthy of that kind of attention from the opposite sex. So I just go about handling my responsibilities to the best of my ability, because I have no idea what to do to feel worthy of that kind of love from a woman.
My best friend told me to go 90 days. Alone. The first month I thought it would kill me. Best thing I ever did to heal and to get back to self love. Took me a while to delete the bitterness. That was about 3 odd years ago. No baggage or drama here. I'm ready for a good woman, leave the plastic at home! Great video.
It's not that I'm not ready to date it's my prospective dates propensity to say that two letter word each time I ask them out. After hearing that same word over and over I just got fed up and abandoned the entire dating scene in my 20’s. I'm now 58 and remain single & at times often lonely.
I actually needed to see this video as I decided to step away from dating and decided to work on myself, pursue a more healthy lifestyle (lost 16 pounds and got more muscular) and I decided to level up in my career (decided to pursue a career in real estate).
There's someone I like who I think has all 5 of these but I also saw her on a dating site so maybe she's open to finding someone. That's why I'm taking it slow with her trying to win her over. She's truly very special so it will be worth it.
WOW - Tough love today! JUST what we need to hear. This may be your best video Courtney, these are all very important. I think I pass the test, but I am going to rethink again how I am doing in all these areas. Courtney, thank you for telling us the hard truths, but in such a kind and respectful way and not being critical. You really encourage me! THANK YOU
Interesting video. I recognize myself in the points 4 and 5. The issue with point 5 (compromising), is that you don’t always understand why yourself should do compromise, while others don’t have to and have all that they want. But I suppose this is a mental blocking on my side.
Good video Courtney. One issue make me walk away from a potential relationship is a woman that looks for negatives. It's an attitude that seems to never change and shows me the woman is unhappy
At a quick examination I don’t think I have any of those problems. I believe that my problem rests with trying to attract someone because it has been 8 years since I had a real relationship and I already know what I want in someone and in life but I am just ill equipped to attract someone and I am trying to change that but there are limitations as to what I can do due to meeting other obligations especially financial obligations.
I completely agree with all the points presented here, although I'd like to comment on the "never settle" idea. Yes, absolutely *never* apply it to relationships, but for life goals and gains for a whole community, I'd say it can be *mostly* applied. Simply replace the word "never" with "mostly" and or add "unless it hurts people unnecessarily."
I will say, your channel is fantasic for advise, I has helped me immensely move forward with my current relationship that I never thought would happen. Honestly, great job.
Thank you for this video,as a single man who hasn’t dated in a while I will say that some men including myself just don’t want to put in the work required but I’ve decided that that won’t help me so I need to start working on it thanks again.
I think too many of us suffers from “bandwidth caps”. Between work, hobbies and other stimulation we’re simply too busy to put in more effort into anything more or be emotionally available. This might be the cause of so many “situationships” instead of relationships.
I agree. I think finding someone with the same hobbies could solve some of it, so you can do that together. Some people actually have too much time and energy taken up by work and cant necessarily choose it.
I'm sometimes.....grappling with....the blind areas of relationship......expecting the relationship won't work.....Or......The dating👔💋.........2....C......IF A RELATIONSHIP May create .....
The current dating pool consists of about 90% people who have all or some of these negative traits. It is truly horrible out there right now. For the first time ever, I am getting more comfortable with being single and staying single
I am working on dating again. My GF of 18 years passed away 2 years ago. I hang out with a lot of her women friends so that is nice but would really like a real relationship. Have went out on a couple of dates it was fun. Having time/ making time is my worst enemy. I know the ways you spend your time shows what is important to you. I do things with my grandchildren. Take them to church the park. They are grand ma magnets am sure I will meet someone soon. It will be ok just not today 😊
Courtney, of all of the videos you've made I think this is the most enlightening for me, a female. I know your content is not meant for me, but by you making this video it prompts men to respond in the comments. In your other videos I notice A LOT of what you mentioned here... "All women are trash", "I'm doomed to be alone because women suck", "Women expect too much", "I won't do what's required of me to be a good partner", etc. The comments on THIS video really reflect that and show that some men need to do way more self-reflection on themselves instead of pointing the finger in the other direction. I really do notice a big thing from some men, which is lack of effort. Lack of effort to take care of themselves (mind and body), lack of effort to spruce up their dating profile (no more dark photos with the middle finger, please), and lack of effort to really take time to get to know someone before expecting exclusivity. Women are owed nothing, men are owed nothing, yes, but being a jerk will NEVER get a man the respect he thinks he deserves.
Great video. The only thing I disagree with is that there is definitely a difference between compromising and settling. Settling is being willing to accept things about the other person that are against your values, ethics, or morals. I'm always willing to compromise, but I'm never willing to settle.
I was guilty of being bitter. I wasn’t one of those “ all women are such and such” but between 2017-2019 i was sidelined by every girl I was interested in, while my best friend was getting a date left and right and he would brag about how he didn’t have to put in any effort, they would ask him to hang out and he wouldn’t have spend money. But luckily just when I was about to cut ties with him he ended up stopping and hanging out with me more, almost as if he knew how annoyed I was hearing about his hookups. But then in 2021 and 2022 I started getting a date here and there, they may not have led to serious relationships but it’s start, I just know that I stopped being bitter and was just trying to enjoy life. Also my friend and I are good. I brought it up to him and he felt bad and didn’t intend on making me feel that way so everything is a lot better now than it was 5 years before.
You cannot negoiate attraction. A woman will dig you or not. Buying her expensive meals is not going to get her to like you more. I wish more men understood this. Some men are just more attractive and have more choice than others. It is what it is, there is always somebody for you out there if are ready for a relationship.
My first relationship lasted almost 2 years but she cheated on me and disrespected me. I’m not ready to date but I’m feeling a lot better. I’m really concerned I’ll never trust another women again which isn’t fair to the next person
Interesting points Courtney. I like to compare different channels on UA-cam for information much like someone who comparison shops for best price, and quality at stores. Coach Greg Adams who is another UA-cam content creator just put out a video hours before yours of "Why Dating is No Longer Fun". Coach brought up some excellent points that in my opinion are more accurate about the Dating arena for our time. 1st- Anywhere between a quarter to a third of "Dates" are "Foodie" calls that are used by women for free dinner, drinks, and entertainment. These women aren't on the "Date" for pursuing any further relationship or friendship with their male benefactor. (Azusa Pacific University and UC Merced studies-June 2019) 2nd-Dating in past generations was never intended to carry past a certain age as this was socially considered the "Courtship" phase to marriage. 3rd- Social/Commercial influences today have left many women with a sense of entitlement for ever greater and grander "Dates" without any effort or contribution on their part. In conclusion I believe that the majority of single adults in the USA who are past their late 20's aren't ready for relationships or dating. In my opinion the older people are who continue "Dating" have ruined this social practice for younger adults and late teens and destroyed whatever fun there might have been for these young people.🔱
Another point is after losing a spouse of many years like I have, the motivation in starting all over again with someone new can be daunting if not overwhelming in overcoming. Definitely an indication of not being ready to date.
Another sign is, not knowing theyself. If you don't know theyself, how are you supposed to know which partner is compatible with you. So you have to know yourself AND your potential partner to have a reasonable good idea that you are compatible.
Another great video, all solid points here. Sadly I've seen the first one become more and more prevalent on both sides online. People really need to understand that even if they have had bad experiences in the past, it isn't fair to judge the next person based off of that. A lot of people are missing out on a potentially great relationship because they fear this new one will be no different than the last one.
Do me a flavor: ask all your female acquaintances how many relationships they had, and how many were good, how many were bad. then ask her whose fault she thinks it was. it if she says that it was HIS fault less than 90%, come tell us, and find out if they are still single! LOL no matter whose fault it truly is, it will always be OUR fault (the man's) in her eyes, and in her stories. And ALL women and half the men will believe her! this is why so many guys are BITTER! because we cause half the problems but must accept 100% of the blame! if you aint a little bit bitter in the face of that, you are STILL drinking the Koolaide!
I appreciate a list like this, if only to reinforce that I will never be capable of long-term dating and/or relationships. I'm literally incapable of two of the five things listed for various neurological and psychological reasons that can't be corrected. It is always good to remind myself why I avoid even trying to date or form attachments to people. Helps remind me to stay in my lane and keep my defective self out of the gene pool.
As far as putting in the work it depends on the type of woman I meet. There are certain types of woman I am more inspired to make efforts for than others. The amount of effort I made in dating in the past was not consistent with each woman. So part of it does depend on who I am with.
This makes a lot of sense. You know you truly love someone and they are good for you when they make you want to put effort into the relationship. If both parties don't feel eager to put in the effort, chances are, they are incompatible.
1) Bitter or Angry: I would say I am neither. I am Numb. Being numb you do not feel the pain I do not compare or judge women by other women. But I have learned by my experiences. And I know when to get out. 2) Not over someone. Being numb. I move on very quickly. I have been burned so may times. Being on 2 dating sites I have found several ladies I really liked and others feel I walk away to fast. I know when to get out because they all use the same lines. And after a month of talk and not meet even for a coffee they are not interested even it they say so. When I was younger and dating after a break up I would not date anybody for at least a month Some times as much as 6. One time after 2 weeks of a break up (and I told the this woman why I didn't want to be in a relationship) she became a stalker. Funny women I dated either already had someone new, went back to their old boyfriend or were with another man to make me jealous. Which did not make me jealous but did made it easier to move on. 4) Work and Effort: I learned this early on. I worked hard to make dates be successful. But when it was only trying I looked desperate. So I made an attempt and if she didn't I stopped. Lost Cause. Move on. 5) Compromise: I am all for it. I had two uncompromising women in my life a sister and wife. Wife and I were invited to her twin granddaughters school pageant. Then my sister wanted to had a party for my parents 50th anniversary. Both were scheduled for the same Friday night. I tried to compromise. It could have been worked out. Neither my sister or wife would even attempt to compromise. If it came down to it I would have gone to the pageant as they asked first. When I tried to compromise with the wife she got very nasty and I never said I was going to go with my sister. We could have done both. I talked with my sister and it was her way or no way. As usual my sister had to move it to Saturday afternoon. Wife refused to go and went to the pageant by herself. What angered me was the abuse I took. And it did not need to happen. If a women will not discuss or is not willing to compromise a problems I will move on. I think most problems can be solved if both talk it out and more important listen. You do not have to agree but you can compromise if not run.
Well, I feel called out on #1 and #2. 😅 But in all seriousness, I really appreciate this video. I'm gonna remain single until I become the better version of myself. Thank you as always, Courtney.
I am a 1, 4 and 5. The only thing I tell others is, be prepared for the possibility that you will not be ready for the rest of your life. Learn to accept it and move on.
Reasons why I'm still single: 1. Can't find any girl that's single 2. Can't find any girl that will say "yes" 3. Can't find any girl............yeah just can't find one
It’s strange, I’m willing to spend money on friends to visit, do stuff etc offering with no hesitation, but if someone wants a relationship, I am adamantly opposed. There’s a specific set of conditions to meet for me to be willing to spend money for dating purposes. I think it’s easier to get a background check for a military contractor than meet my date money criteria 😂
@@Swwatter He's afraid of promiscuity from his partner, which he has every right to be when he expects loyalty. Happens to women as well with their male partners but it seems to be a disproportionate amount of women doing it compared to men. I feel that once it happens to you from a shitty person you develop unwanted trust issues. Sometimes the risk is not worth the heartache if the temptation or loss of respect happens inside the relationship.
Anxiety and depression will keep me single forever...makes me deeply sad but I must be real with myself and focus on keeping my mental health balanced as possible.
A lot of you men on here definitely need to take advantage of Courtney's sponsor today because yes looks definitely open doors but if you don't have the people skills and the strong mental fortitude, it's going to be impossible for you to stay inside those doors so fix your mental health, the women will admire your resiliency!
Well, she's not wrong. Fortunately I'm not a stranger to taking my time to re-evaluate myself. Sadly its often measured, not in months....... - but years. Good luck folks!😅😅
Courtney, I rather hold out for someone who is 100% compatible with me and not a percent less, going where the grass is greener is healthy for the mind, body, and soul as long as the grass stays green!!
Im am ready to date after all this is considered but I struggle by being a 5 and not a 10 nor make 50k a year or more. In todays dating world, those are a MUST to a woman.
Agreed with everything up until 8:45. Someone having certain physical features do play a crucial role in attraction. How much money they make also does matter. But I agree with her sentiment. But some of these are legitimate dealbreakers
My biggest issue is that dating via dating apps causes me immense anxiety. The dissonance between the fantasy version of that person I've created and the person they actually turn out to be when I meet them in person is usually huge. It's like small things like their body language, the sound and cadence of their voice, their gait, etc.
People as a whole are broken and wounded so we try to fill that void my looking for and othm and when we can't find it and other people we look for it. You can switch them around, but those 5 things I have seen 1st hand from my life and family. 1. Alcohol/Drugs 2.Sex/Relationships 3. Escapism /Rush junkies 4. Fantasy / Roll play 5. Controllers
I made the mistake of dating a mean woman when I was emotionally vulnerable. She was physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive. She cheated on me about as often as she changed her tampon--she cheated on me twice during the two years we were together. I dumped her, but it took about a year for me to be ready to date again. By the way, she contracted HIV about a month after we broke up.
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Go to our sponsor betterhelp.com/courtneyryan for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help.
One thing that drew me to my significant other is that she was clearly upset at the way dating sites work and the whole dating culture. It showed me that she expected traditional things that were rare/hard to find, and wasn't the usual bag of red flags. We both went into dating having some bitterness and anger at how our society has conditioned people to be incapable of long term relationships, but since we saw each other as an exception to the usual bad experience, it's 11 years later and we're still happy together. If you're sane, and older than 20, you've probably got some very good reasons to have at least a little bitterness or anger... to get rid of that would require a lobotomy.
When a girl provides sexual pleasure to sexually frustrated men, and she feels no hesitation to talk to those sexually frustrated men but she shows hesitation about talking to a particular guy who she likes, so doesn't it mean that she is having mental problems, she is sleazy, and she has no self respect?
i'd put your "sorry my friends!!" as a ringtone LUL
Why so we can get wifed up and get divorced in 10 years
@@taasmr4203 1:22 1:22
I think the biggest one that I struggle with is expecting the other person to bring me endless happiness like they’re a god or something.
Great that you’re able to recognize this. Thanks for sharing!
That's a big one. I think especially if you've been single for a while, a relationship seems like this amazing, almost divine thing- and then you get in one, and it doesn't even come close to your expectations because you've hyped it up so much.
Sounds like a female trait bro
@@CourtneyRyan I love your work. Keep the positivity coming.
@@CourtneyRyan when are you gonna do your next interviews of harlots that want a 6'2 100k man? I want more true incel and redpill content
0:28 1. You are bitter or angry.
3:08 2. You are not fully over someone else.
4:25 3. You are emotionally unavailable or immature.
5:44 4. You do not want to put in the work or effort.
7:35 5. You are not willing to compromise.
That's all that one comes across on dating sites...
@Syndicated Satellite nothing is worse than "still figuring out" or slightly better " short open to long." Then pair those with that with not knowing if they want kids yet. Like, jeez, how indecisive are you.
Lots of women in the West are essentially any combination of the last three points. No wonder relationships there rarely last long term, or why despite the rise of international relationships, hardly anyone goes for born-and-raised Americans (the ones with very little cultural ties to someplace else)
Looks like I've been ready for quite a long time then, turns out the women ain't quite there yet
That's sounds like almost everybody. Not gonna lie, I'm just done with dating and looking forward to living my life all alone. 😁🙃
I’m not ready at the moment. I want to improve myself first mentally and physically. I’m going to start going to the gym, eating healthy, improving my fashion and saving money. I want to be at my best and I’m no where near that yet.
Just remember you don’t have to be at your best just for some basic love and support.
I hope you get there, but sometimes situation in life don't allow for it to happen. Then you wake up one day and you turn 50 and realize it's a little late. So like that song goes " If you can't please everybody you got to please yourself.
@@porterdavis1612 Exactly! because we know she doesnt care if she is at her best for you!
I’m single and have finally gotten to a point in my life where I desire to be in a long term relationship, but I’m tired of first dates and spending money in the process for it to not end up anywhere. That’s the most discouraging part for me.
That's on you. You don't need to spend money on the first dates at all. You eather put too much pressure on yourself to impress a woman or you are dating the wrong kind of women if they expect you to pay for fancy dinners etc. 🤷♀️
Just go on a coffee date bro. Wtf?
@@sally.g. I take it you don't date women. Yes, you can spend nothing on the first date if you have no interest in a second date.
That's the worst part. Everything is way too expensive now
@@hotpockets692 coffees at Starbucks or dunkin and you just spent 20 bucks
*Before entering a relationship, assess if you can genuinely commit to the emotional and mental energy required. It’s better to wait until you’re in a stable and balanced place where you can give the relationship the care and attention it deserves.*
Spot on! I was bitter for awhile about how my last relationship ended.
Went on a Tinder date recently where my date told me she still had feelings and “would always” have feelings for her ex. Yeah that didn’t last.
Hearing something like that is like them saying they want a license to backtrack. Very non-commital statement. Good call to back away from that
Aye at least your saved yourself man 😂
@@MadRespectTV Yeah. I tried to understand at first (she claimed they broke up over not wanting kids Vs him wanting). Then I found out he still lived 5 minutes away from her and wanted to know “if it would be a problem” if they hung out, because they broke up over an issue mutually. Nah. I’m good.
@@ATLBraves1992 good call mate. Well done.
People still use Tinder?
It seems so 2015.
I always get told by people “I have high standards”. I feel there are something that shouldn’t be compromised on. For example, I think have a common worldview is an important pillar in a relationship. Also, dating with same intentions is extremely important as well.
Politics; kids, both if you want them and how many; religion. These are just a few non negotiables that should not be compromised. I don’t think these are high standards, I just think the higher comparability in these areas leads to fewer arguments and resentment in the future
Our cultural upbringing encompasses most of these things. Those of us that value our culture ethnicity and imbue our American civil liberties and founding ideals. Meaning, family, friendship community. And people that put politics in their bio have become a sort of pariah. Let's those of us who are done with it, find each other.
Courtney correctly points out that there is a difference between preferences and standards. Standards are your minimum requirements, and preferences are things you would like to get if you can. People too often confuse these two things. There are a few things you should never compromise on. And then there are a lot of things you should. You bring certain things to the table, and that gives you a value to members of the opposite sex. It's referred to as your SMV (Sexual Market Value) The question then becomes, what can you get for that? Think of it like buying a television. You might not be able to afford the most expensive one. Or maybe what you really want isn't in stock. So, what do you do? You figure out what features you really need and try to get the best bargain.
The question is are your standards realistic? High standards are fine as long as they're real.
Date someone that is lower than your standards and you will see why your standards were high. Speaking from experience. Common base worldview is really important. Good one.
I just went through a (thankfully) peaceful divorce after eight years. I have two kids and I'm living alone again just trying to be a good dad. Although there are periods of loneliness, I'm convinced, for me at least, that the single life is way better. I'm 42 and I now know that marriage just isn't for me. Will I meet someone special in the future when I can barely walk? Maybe. But I love the way it is now. I finally feel free again and can be ME. No walking on egg shells anymore.
Congratulations on winning your freedom! its sad it has to cost SO much, but thats the way women want it!
Relationship takes works on the man and woman. It's a two way street. There's always something you don't like about someone. Maybe you're neat and the other person is messy.
men are always expected to put in effort. So this isnt a man problem! Men are usually expected to work hard and level up in every aspect of life. We hear it from a very young age. men who dont are jaded because they worked hard, played by the rules, lost it all anyways and got shamed & blamed for it.
I can honestly say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been since childhood. I’m currently going to school to become a Nurse and I just picked up a summer job. Granted I’m only 20, but I battled a-lot of demons and project my own misery onto others during my teenage years. Lost a lot of friends and my attitude strongly affected my relationship with my mother. I graduated high school in 2021 and during Covid I became a stress eater. I stopped being an asshole but the weight just packed on. I graduated 185 pounds . 4 months ago I weighed in at 235. That must of been my magical number because I completely overhauled my diet and started working out for the first time. In these past 4 months, I’ve lost 22.5 pounds and this morning I weighed myself at 212.5 pounds. I feel absolutely amazing and I’m also starting to to see muscle definition appear in my upper body, which I’ve never had before. So mentally, I crossed all these points off in your video. I just feel like holding off on dating still and working on my physical health and college. Granted I’m open to the idea, just not a obsessively pursuing it. About a month or two back my mom talked to me about all my positive changes that have I have made. She told me this is the happiest she seen me I a very long time and that it finally feels like she has her son back🥹
Yeeeees !!!! Nice job man. I am very happy for you. Keep up the grind
Now that's personal growth right there, you're taking control and making positive change happen, something you're rightly proud of. Good luck with your studies, the world always needs more healers!
Bravo. 👏🏽 new chapters and adventures ahead
Oh my goodness i needed this. Just got divorced and need to heal. All my guy friends are talking up the single life and trying to get me to ask out every girl around. I'm just not there yet. I dont want to waste my time or any girls time.
I've been very bitter and lonely for a long time, definitely within the first category. One thing that I've found that helps with this is establishing hobbies and activities that still provide a social life.
Nothing wrong with being bitter! Keep in mind that our negative emotions tend to hurt US more than they hurt others. So try to resolve your bitterness for your own peace of mind, so YOU can be well-regulated, and not to benefit some broad! She aint worth it! Women like JERKS! In spite of everything they say otherwise, if she has a choice between a nice guy and a jerk, she will choose the jerk everytime and she KNOWS it! so let your bitterness bring out your inner jerk; let it bring out an edge to you. Its that part that turns them on! They want to chase and tame the wild stallion!
@@inconnu4961 I'm afraid I disagree. I'm no longer bitter, but rather focusing on building building a healthy lifestyle.
49 here and never had a relationship. Ever. I’m the textbook definition of a man child. I purposely avoid dating, meeting others even flirting. Simply because I’d make a horrible partner. Id rather play video games, travel and work out. As you said Courtney I’m way too emotionally immature and the thought of a partner is like a second job. I don’t want to put in the effort at all. The thought is like having to get a route canal. I’m also way too selfish to compromise. The difference is I know all this. I feel like I’m doing everyone a service by not dating.
Don't feel so bad. It is amazing how we can be so different, yet end up with the same result.
I'm 45 years old and still a virgin. Never been on a date, not even once.
However! I served in the military for 26 years,
Earned an associates,
Completed a 5 year apprenticeship and earned an occupational license in the trades,
And finally, as of last year, paid off my house, as humble as it is. it's mine!
Yet, none of it was ever good enough, in spite of all the wails of "Where are all the good men?" that gets forced fed down my face. I guess I'm not ready to date...
I was not always this angry and bitter, I was grown into it.
Yep another angry reminder how cases like this are male-dominated
@@nobodysperfect06 Huh? whatch you talkin about, Dr Phil? Men are bitter because of women! Many many women go through men like Sherman went through Georgia! as long as women have no trouble getting men, we are cheap & disposable and men bear the scars! Likewise, chads do it to many women as well, because women are easy & plentiful to them! the harder it is to get something, the more we treat it as a treasure! Most guys are used to being treated like a chinese trinket! if you dont want men to be angry, tell women to treat men like they treat their favorite pet!
I'm almost 26 and have neither been on a date or dated so I do feel for you. Some women just aren't into a large percentage of the men out there.
@@samuelproszek7427 Look up 'speed dating' or 'six minute speed dating' and find the nearest one by location. If anything, it's a good way to kill some time and talk to women. I went to three of those 7 years ago and scored 1 date, and she ended up being an absolute loser. My point is, at least try dating to figure out if you even like it, as you can see above, some of us don't.
Last time I was in a relationship was roughly 8 years ago. I havent been on a date since then. It's also incredible hard to persue relationships when you have ASD.
I have ASD as well haven’t been on a date in 5 years. Don’t see myself ever going on one again.
Whew - it has been a while, and I realize I am still not ready. Will keep bettering myself and soon enough I will be. Thank you.
This is great Courtney. The points you make that resonated the most with me were not getting over a previous crush and not commiting to improve myself. I feel like both of these reasons to varying degrees are holding me back in the dating game.
I just got out of a relationship where I was told my efforts never counted or never mattered. All she cared about was being taken on dates, but not about how much I put in around our apartment or to keep us going (e.g., cooking, cleaning, etc.). Then she would tell me it was my fault, but she never did anything to support me. It's so hard to hear the effort example though for some reason cause I still feel like maybe I actually wasn't putting in enough effort, but I put in so much for so long and then when I needed the support for real, she blamed me further.
Well don’t blame your self man you put the effort in and she didn’t simple as that .I had relationship similar to that I would drive 3 hours to see her and I would put a lot of effort to spend time with her but she expected me how social media relationships are . And I that wasn’t me I even told that too . But somehow it got to her then I realized I don’t need that type of energy . took it took awhile for me understand that I did my part and she didn’t . And that’s that. But there be someone who will recognize the effort you put in whatever relationship you have next time . Keep going dawg .
There is a theory/book called "5 love languages" which describes your problem with the previous girl pretty well. You were expressing love with service and she wants it expressed with time (or possibly gifts if the dates are intended to be expensive).
The gaslighting at the end of the relationship is not stuff you should tolerate but unfortunately is pretty common practice when the relationship is already holed below the waterline.
I haven't dated since 2011 and now I realized I wasn't ready to date then.
Dating is hard and not worth the effort anymore but of others want to jump in the dating pool, this is great advice.
Love your profile name.
That's the issue with western dating. It shouldn't be too hard to date someone.
For me, I tried dating a little when I was 18-20 years old. 1988-1990. I haven't dated since. And it was the best decision I could have made. It wasn't a good idea for me then, and it would be an even worse idea for me now. And I'm autistic. So, however difficult it might be for you, multiply that by a factor of 10. As the saying goes, the juice is isn't worth the squeeze.
@@Herozonex200
It really shouldn't in general. But even in the best of situations, there will always be unusual cases like mine where it's going to be difficult regardless. And people need to honestly assess the situation and decide whether it's worth it for them.
Very true.
I feel you must be a fully healed and perfect specimen for relationships. I've been emotionally f***ed up and broken since my dad passed suddenly three years ago. Even with therapy and medication, there are certain parts of me that have drastically changed and will never fully be the same again. Relationships are like raising and potty training a puppy or kitten, and I don't have the time, patience, and capability of getting involved in that ordeal.
I see what youre saying but peoples parents have been passing for thousands of years and everyone deals with it
Good points. Far too many people bounce around between partners because they can't stand the thought of being alone, yet they haven't really done the internal work required to make relationships last. I get that it's rough out there, but there is an aspect of individual contributions to those situations most of the time. At the end of the day, it seems like people who are ready to date and willing to put in the effort will make it happen with the right person. If you're not really ready for it, even if you say to others that you are, it's unlikely to really work out and you're better off waiting until it's actually time.
which is funny because that's usually what happens anyway they end up alone and unhappy because the other person does not want to do the work to fix the problems within the relationship
For the longest time, I was in denial. I was bitter, angry and not over my first ex-girlfriend. I thought I was but all evidence to the contrary proved otherwise. I finally talked to a therapist and she helped through a lot of stuff. I am emotionally mature/available, put in the right effort, willing to compromise. The thing is, I’ve dated or gone on dates with women who expect me to do all of that and then some BUT DO NOT DO IT FOR ME. Any effort I put in was not reciprocated at all so that’s why I’ve been single for three years now.
thats the problem, you can do the right moves and lost with them.
Praying you find a mature woman.
I often hear the advice that you just need to go on more dates. Ok, sure. I've seen girls say they went on 100 dates over the course of a year (around 2 dates a week) before they found the right guy. That's great for a girl. Unfortunately for a man 100 dates can easily cost you over $10,000. That's a lot of money
And she's probably slept with 30-50 of those guys.
And they also assume you're good looking enough to get 100 dates in a reasonable timeframe. I'm nearly 40 and I've gone on about ten in my lifetime.
@@BB-te8tc I'm 42 and the last time I was in a relationship was roughly 8 years ago
You guys are correct, of course 😂. I went on three dates so far this year, and that's a hot streak. I went on maybe 1 or 2 last year, and none the year before 🤷🏾♂️. Been single for 13 years
@@IaconDawnshire I have had 1 date since my divorce, which was 7 years ago. Ladies are holding out for Chad Chaddington, but im just a Brad Bradington! You are not alone, my friend!
I'm more of #4 than anything else. I don't bother trying. Then again, I'm working a full time gig, into my hobbies and still trying to grow as a person. I mean I work on my appearance and all however, I just haven't bothered asking someone out or wanted to seriously seek a relationship. It's not that I'm even afraid to be with someone, I'm very comfortable being alone. Too comfortable.
Very important video. I usually have criticisms for dating related videos I've seen, but I got nothing to criticise here. I agree with all the points here. Love it!
Thank you so much! 🥹
Lol so many good points. Immediately clicked play when I saw the notification because I knew I wasn't ready yet. Very validating and illuminating on next steps.
Thanks for this Courtney!! I realised I wasn't ready after multiple women said that I was both emotionally and physically unavailable where I would just be too busy to be entertaining dates. You are bang on with everything in this video!
You were unavailable, or their expectations were so high they could not be satisfied with what you offered?
Don't automatically accept the blame just because a couple of women said so.
Get out of the dating scene. Don't participate.
Why are you messaging my mom?🔥🔥🔥🔮😭👿😠😔😞
@@Sir_Viver between study, work, family and my kickboxing - most girls would not fit into that equation.
@@KimlongPham1stGamer that's fair. Even so, just because a woman says something doesn't "automatically" make it truth.
"evaluate it"👌
Listen to her! If you refuse to process your emotions, they will linger on. For years. You'll get stuck without realizing it. That's how you get those bitter middle-aged people with chronic dead eyes. Do NOT suppress a breakup or a rejection or a fight. Cry, scream into a pillow, then calm down, think, learn and if you can't seem to get it out of you, get help like she said. LISTEN TO HER! sheesh...
Wow, those 5 signs are definitely a reality check. Thanks Courtney.
The one that I am having a lot of trouble with is putting myself out, because of the past friendships that thank god didnt turn into dating relationships, which i am still having trouble getting over. The part where Courtney mentions that men and women say that "all women are bad," or "all men are bad," i do get those thoughts, but at the same time I tell myself, there are good women out there, and not all are bad. One thing that I do want to say is, despite how toxic society is its just so difficult to talk to people. I mean I used to be extrovereted but since COVID I have changed and I will admit it. However, one thing that I have noticed or it could just be me, many couples are breaking up or getting divorced and it breaks my heart.
Thank you for posting these videos! They are providing useful things for me to think about, and I believe some videos may provide a starting point for discussion about important topics!
Thank you so much 🥹
You are very welcome!
Yeah I would say I’m not ready at the moment. I have been struggling with social anxiety from interacting with co-workers and am actually working with a psychiatrist and actively looking for a therapist for managing it. I also can have some difficulty with trusting new people. I’m not that emotionally available right now. But hopefully with me getting the help I’ll be ready to date by the end of this year 😄
Toxic mindset will attract toxic mindset, so heal and level up.😊
Courtney is the big sister I always needed. Thanks for the free but priceless advice
I feel these are all great things with regards to dating oneself. Once I started loving myself and being able to take myself out on dates just for myself, that’s when it became a lot easier to talk to others and go on dates.
That and practicing boundaries for myself. ❤️
How does one take oneself on dates?
@@HoonDing I’ll take myself to dinner and a movie, karaoke, or even on a walk. These are things I really enjoy. I’ve done it intentionally as if it’s a date, and not a way to escape boredom or loneliness. It’s a way for me to connect with myself.
I totally agree. If you are not comfortable with yourself, how can you expect someone else to be comfortable with you?!? Also going on these "dates with yourself" can be construed as research or practice for when you take another person along with you the next time. Practice makes perfect! As long as you don't go to any certain location so often that you develop a first name relationship. If you do, be prepared to explain yourself if asked!
Look for someone that does things for the joy of it. Yesterday realized that nothing done in anger ever helps anyone. Do things that bring you joy.
Thank you ×1000 Courtney! This is pure gold. So much pain could be avoided if we were to follow some of this advice. ❤🙏🏼🤜🏽
You're so welcome! Thanks for being here ❤️
No one is ready for relationships.
But if you close your eyes and jump, you might survive.
I lost my boyfriend and father of 2 children 4 years ago. I've been very lonely, and the desire to find someone else is there. At the same time, I still hold onto a lot of sadness and anger from my loss. We had plans to be married, he was an amazing father and friend, and although we had our differences I've never met someone you saw me so completely and understood me when no one else did. There's not a day that goes by I don't get upset thinking about the life we could've had. I want to love someone again like that, and I don't know if I ever will be able to.
This is a golden video Courtney. All 5 items are first order Requirements.
You do have to make compromises. But only in your preferences, not your standards. If you sense you are compromising a standard, 1st take some time evaluating whether it really is a standard and not a preference before you act on it.
People, men and women, often will 'over classify' preferences into standards, like women with their height or income requirements. Men with all kinds of unrealistic appearance requirements. Both sides with their mostly unknowable body count fears. We are all our worst enemies in the "compromises" arena. Both sides looking for the wrong things often. Rejecting each other over petty desires (preferences) that just get in the way of real love.
Body count is important. This affects pair bonding
@@williamnunn8847 may be true, but how can you actually know someones body count for sure unless you have already known them for years? You may just be making assumptions
@@zakosist I am not making an assumption that in many respects, being with a lot of men or women increases the risk of emotional confusion or insecure attachment.
I don’t really know what I want now, as I want parts of everyone i was with.
@@williamnunn8847 what I was referring to is whether you assume you know someones body count. Not whether it affects pair bonding. It may very well be true. But you cannot know someones personal history without knowing them well as a person
@@williamnunn8847 OK, what number is "a lot"? Is it the same number for a 20YO as a 30YO? Then how many per year is OK? What if she was married and did it every day for 4 years? Does that count as 1 or 4x 365? That's a lot of chunka-chunka.
There is of course a limit for every man (and most women), but the limit CANNOT be a number, because women don't know the number, but if it was high, they'd likely fib about it anyway. And men have a different number for every woman, even though they don't even know a number.
Do you know your number? If your number is higher than hers, is that an OK or a fail? You say "body count affects pair bonding". I think it may. When you ask that accusatory question, it will be the end of any kind of bonding most likely.
If you meet her and think she's a floozie, then try a different one. If you have sex with her and think she's way to accomplished in bed, that may be a clue, or maybe she just reads a lot of romance novels or was in an LTR with an experienced man.
There is likely no bigger gaggle screw a man can get himself into than getting concerned about body count. It will only affect "pair bonding" if at least 1 person in the pair makes it so. There is no such thing as "only a little bit NON-virgin". Wear a condom always until you are exclusive.
About # 4 on Courtney’s list, I cannot drive and I willing to take a 2 hour 50 minute+ bus trip to meet and save woman the cost of travel.
# 3 I definitely resonate with.
Important things: 0:27 First thing - You are bitter / angry; 3:07 Second thing - You are not fully over somebody else; 4:24 Third thing - You're emotionally unavailable; 5:43 Fourth thing - You don't want to put in the work; 7:35 Fifth thing - You're not willing to compromise, and 9:35 To summarize all the told here.
Among the all the mentioned things, I might say few other things. And those are: Sixth thing - You're not taking responsibility; Seventh thing - You're not taking initiative; and Eight thing - You're not relaxed (to know when to be serious, and when relaxed).
From everything said here, we can reduce it to only one thing. And that is immaturity. The immaturity shows that you're not willing to show how much you are responsible for your way of living, talking to people, doing jobs, solving problems, etc.
You have to be mature, enough to know to see what is good, and what is bad in any relationships, and life situations.
Do you know what is Love + Responsibility? Love + Responsibility = Freedom. Meaning, I'm accepting you with all your flaws and virtues, and also I'm taking a life into my hands to live it the way how I want, and how I wish, while not endangering anyone. Also, this freedom means, I'm willing to find a compromise in order to be good for either you, and either me as well. This is In healthy relationships, I mean to say that (just to understand each other).
In order to solve the problem of the all mentioned things, you have to work on yourself. One day you will say to yourself this: "I'm very glad that I didn't give up on myself, when decided to work on myself as well."
Help yourselves dear people to be a better version of yourself. If you need help, ask for help. We all need sometimes help. And that is quite normal thing.
Thank you Oprah for the TLDR. BTW, love your show! LOL
@@inconnu4961 You're welcome.
And thank you also for this support. It means a lot.
I completely agree with the point of taking time to heal from a previous relationship. Years ago, I took the time to heal from a bad situationship, and it was the best move I could have ever made.
The girl I was talking to for the past five months exhibited the emotional signs, but I didn’t see it until this video. But at least she had enough respect to just say that she didn’t think she was ready for a relationship at the time. So we parted on good terms, but it still blows.
The biggest sign you don't want to be in a relationship is that you fail to understand that there is a lot of compromise in love and that you want everything on your own terms. The single life and married life are very different and some say they want a relationship but are still very attached to their single life and routine.
EVERYONE is attached to their comfortable routine. that alone is not an indicator. especially the older you get, you will notice how much a creature of habit you are AND how disoriented you may feel when you miss steps in your typical routine.
Spot on Courtney ive been single my whole life and im ready to start a long term relationship im ready to put in the work and effort in order for this to work, i have a healthy and positive mindset and a healthy personality!! All im waiting for now is a perfect partner
There are parts of all of these signs that I feel I relate to, with the exception of not being fully over someone else. There are any number of things that I could point to as to why I’m not in a relationship. For the most part, at this point in my life, I’ve gotten used to not being in a relationship. I don’t know which one you would classify this under, but the biggest thing for me is that I just don’t consider myself worthy of that kind of attention from the opposite sex. So I just go about handling my responsibilities to the best of my ability, because I have no idea what to do to feel worthy of that kind of love from a woman.
My best friend told me to go 90 days. Alone. The first month I thought it would kill me. Best thing I ever did to heal and to get back to self love. Took me a while to delete the bitterness. That was about 3 odd years ago. No baggage or drama here. I'm ready for a good woman, leave the plastic at home! Great video.
I’ve not dated for years now, my heart belongs to my daughter, and she’s my number 1 ( sorry ladies , you come in at 100,000,000,000,000) on my list
It's not that I'm not ready to date it's my prospective dates propensity to say that two letter word each time I ask them out. After hearing that same word over and over I just got fed up and abandoned the entire dating scene in my 20’s. I'm now 58 and remain single & at times often lonely.
I actually needed to see this video as I decided to step away from dating and decided to work on myself, pursue a more healthy lifestyle (lost 16 pounds and got more muscular) and I decided to level up in my career (decided to pursue a career in real estate).
There's someone I like who I think has all 5 of these but I also saw her on a dating site so maybe she's open to finding someone. That's why I'm taking it slow with her trying to win her over. She's truly very special so it will be worth it.
WOW - Tough love today! JUST what we need to hear. This may be your best video Courtney, these are all very important. I think I pass the test, but I am going to rethink again how I am doing in all these areas. Courtney, thank you for telling us the hard truths, but in such a kind and respectful way and not being critical. You really encourage me! THANK YOU
Interesting video.
I recognize myself in the points 4 and 5.
The issue with point 5 (compromising), is that you don’t always understand why yourself should do compromise, while others don’t have to and have all that they want. But I suppose this is a mental blocking on my side.
Thanks, I did.
Good video Courtney. One issue make me walk away from a potential relationship is a woman that looks for negatives. It's an attitude that seems to never change and shows me the woman is unhappy
Courtney needs to write a book on this stuff
At a quick examination I don’t think I have any of those problems. I believe that my problem rests with trying to attract someone because it has been 8 years since I had a real relationship and I already know what I want in someone and in life but I am just ill equipped to attract someone and I am trying to change that but there are limitations as to what I can do due to meeting other obligations especially financial obligations.
I completely agree with all the points presented here, although I'd like to comment on the "never settle" idea. Yes, absolutely *never* apply it to relationships, but for life goals and gains for a whole community, I'd say it can be *mostly* applied. Simply replace the word "never" with "mostly" and or add "unless it hurts people unnecessarily."
I will say, your channel is fantasic for advise, I has helped me immensely move forward with my current relationship that I never thought would happen. Honestly, great job.
Thank you for this video,as a single man who hasn’t dated in a while I will say that some men including myself just don’t want to put in the work required but I’ve decided that that won’t help me so I need to start working on it thanks again.
I think too many of us suffers from “bandwidth caps”. Between work, hobbies and other stimulation we’re simply too busy to put in more effort into anything more or be emotionally available. This might be the cause of so many “situationships” instead of relationships.
I agree. I think finding someone with the same hobbies could solve some of it, so you can do that together. Some people actually have too much time and energy taken up by work and cant necessarily choose it.
I'm sometimes.....grappling with....the blind areas of relationship......expecting the relationship won't work.....Or......The dating👔💋.........2....C......IF A RELATIONSHIP May create .....
Your last tip was so bang on. Could not agree more.
The current dating pool consists of about 90% people who have all or some of these negative traits. It is truly horrible out there right now. For the first time ever, I am getting more comfortable with being single and staying single
I am working on dating again. My GF of 18 years passed away 2 years ago. I hang out with a lot of her women friends so that is nice but would really like a real relationship. Have went out on a couple of dates it was fun. Having time/ making time is my worst enemy. I know the ways you spend your time shows what is important to you. I do things with my grandchildren. Take them to church the park. They are grand ma magnets am sure I will meet someone soon. It will be ok just not today 😊
Courtney, of all of the videos you've made I think this is the most enlightening for me, a female. I know your content is not meant for me, but by you making this video it prompts men to respond in the comments. In your other videos I notice A LOT of what you mentioned here... "All women are trash", "I'm doomed to be alone because women suck", "Women expect too much", "I won't do what's required of me to be a good partner", etc. The comments on THIS video really reflect that and show that some men need to do way more self-reflection on themselves instead of pointing the finger in the other direction. I really do notice a big thing from some men, which is lack of effort. Lack of effort to take care of themselves (mind and body), lack of effort to spruce up their dating profile (no more dark photos with the middle finger, please), and lack of effort to really take time to get to know someone before expecting exclusivity. Women are owed nothing, men are owed nothing, yes, but being a jerk will NEVER get a man the respect he thinks he deserves.
Great video. The only thing I disagree with is that there is definitely a difference between compromising and settling. Settling is being willing to accept things about the other person that are against your values, ethics, or morals. I'm always willing to compromise, but I'm never willing to settle.
I was guilty of being bitter. I wasn’t one of those “ all women are such and such” but between 2017-2019 i was sidelined by every girl I was interested in, while my best friend was getting a date left and right and he would brag about how he didn’t have to put in any effort, they would ask him to hang out and he wouldn’t have spend money. But luckily just when I was about to cut ties with him he ended up stopping and hanging out with me more, almost as if he knew how annoyed I was hearing about his hookups. But then in 2021 and 2022 I started getting a date here and there, they may not have led to serious relationships but it’s start, I just know that I stopped being bitter and was just trying to enjoy life. Also my friend and I are good. I brought it up to him and he felt bad and didn’t intend on making me feel that way so everything is a lot better now than it was 5 years before.
You cannot negoiate attraction. A woman will dig you or not. Buying her expensive meals is not going to get her to like you more. I wish more men understood this. Some men are just more attractive and have more choice than others. It is what it is, there is always somebody for you out there if are ready for a relationship.
He could have helped you get some dates
My first relationship lasted almost 2 years but she cheated on me and disrespected me. I’m not ready to date but I’m feeling a lot better. I’m really concerned I’ll never trust another women again which isn’t fair to the next person
Interesting points Courtney. I like to compare different channels on UA-cam for information much like someone who comparison shops for best price, and quality at stores. Coach Greg Adams who is another UA-cam content creator just put out a video hours before yours of "Why Dating is No Longer Fun". Coach brought up some excellent points that in my opinion are more accurate about the Dating arena for our time.
1st- Anywhere between a quarter to a third of "Dates" are "Foodie" calls that are used by women for free dinner, drinks, and entertainment. These women aren't on the "Date" for pursuing any further relationship or friendship with their male benefactor. (Azusa Pacific University and UC Merced studies-June 2019)
2nd-Dating in past generations was never intended to carry past a certain age as this was socially considered the "Courtship" phase to marriage.
3rd- Social/Commercial influences today have left many women with a sense of entitlement for ever greater and grander "Dates" without any effort or contribution on their part.
In conclusion I believe that the majority of single adults in the USA who are past their late 20's aren't ready for relationships or dating. In my opinion the older people are who continue "Dating" have ruined this social practice for younger adults and late teens and destroyed whatever fun there might have been for these young people.🔱
Another point is after losing a spouse of many years like I have, the motivation in starting all over again with someone new can be daunting if not overwhelming in overcoming. Definitely an indication of not being ready to date.
After 18 years being single....I'm done with dating
😅😊You are not alone, and now that it's Uni time,,,Yoh!!
Another sign is, not knowing theyself. If you don't know theyself, how are you supposed to know which partner is compatible with you. So you have to know yourself AND your potential partner to have a reasonable good idea that you are compatible.
Another great video, all solid points here. Sadly I've seen the first one become more and more prevalent on both sides online. People really need to understand that even if they have had bad experiences in the past, it isn't fair to judge the next person based off of that. A lot of people are missing out on a potentially great relationship because they fear this new one will be no different than the last one.
Do me a flavor: ask all your female acquaintances how many relationships they had, and how many were good, how many were bad. then ask her whose fault she thinks it was. it if she says that it was HIS fault less than 90%, come tell us, and find out if they are still single! LOL no matter whose fault it truly is, it will always be OUR fault (the man's) in her eyes, and in her stories. And ALL women and half the men will believe her! this is why so many guys are BITTER! because we cause half the problems but must accept 100% of the blame! if you aint a little bit bitter in the face of that, you are STILL drinking the Koolaide!
I appreciate a list like this, if only to reinforce that I will never be capable of long-term dating and/or relationships. I'm literally incapable of two of the five things listed for various neurological and psychological reasons that can't be corrected. It is always good to remind myself why I avoid even trying to date or form attachments to people. Helps remind me to stay in my lane and keep my defective self out of the gene pool.
@RealCourtneyRyan_._ appreciate the sentiment, but I don't use Telegram.
@@1GungGung It's a scam bot bro, be glad you don't have telegram 😂
As far as putting in the work it depends on the type of woman I meet. There are certain types of woman I am more inspired to make efforts for than others. The amount of effort I made in dating in the past was not consistent with each woman. So part of it does depend on who I am with.
This makes a lot of sense.
You know you truly love someone and they are good for you when they make you want to put effort into the relationship. If both parties don't feel eager to put in the effort, chances are, they are incompatible.
Thank you for being a voice of reason!
1) Bitter or Angry: I would say I am neither. I am Numb. Being numb you do not feel the pain I do not compare or judge women by other women. But I have learned by my experiences. And I know when to get out. 2) Not over someone. Being numb. I move on very quickly. I have been burned so may times. Being on 2 dating sites I have found several ladies I really liked and others feel I walk away to fast. I know when to get out because they all use the same lines. And after a month of talk and not meet even for a coffee they are not interested even it they say so. When I was younger and dating after a break up I would not date anybody for at least a month Some times as much as 6. One time after 2 weeks of a break up (and I told the this woman why I didn't want to be in a relationship) she became a stalker. Funny women I dated either already had someone new, went back to their old boyfriend or were with another man to make me jealous. Which did not make me jealous but did made it easier to move on. 4) Work and Effort: I learned this early on. I worked hard to make dates be successful. But when it was only trying I looked desperate. So I made an attempt and if she didn't I stopped. Lost Cause. Move on. 5) Compromise: I am all for it. I had two uncompromising women in my life a sister and wife. Wife and I were invited to her twin granddaughters school pageant. Then my sister wanted to had a party for my parents 50th anniversary. Both were scheduled for the same Friday night. I tried to compromise. It could have been worked out. Neither my sister or wife would even attempt to compromise. If it came down to it I would have gone to the pageant as they asked first. When I tried to compromise with the wife she got very nasty and I never said I was going to go with my sister. We could have done both. I talked with my sister and it was her way or no way. As usual my sister had to move it to Saturday afternoon. Wife refused to go and went to the pageant by herself. What angered me was the abuse I took. And it did not need to happen. If a women will not discuss or is not willing to compromise a problems I will move on. I think most problems can be solved if both talk it out and more important listen. You do not have to agree but you can compromise if not run.
Another reason could be .. I’m not interested in dating period!!
Well, I feel called out on #1 and #2. 😅 But in all seriousness, I really appreciate this video. I'm gonna remain single until I become the better version of myself. Thank you as always, Courtney.
I am a 1, 4 and 5. The only thing I tell others is, be prepared for the possibility that you will not be ready for the rest of your life. Learn to accept it and move on.
@@EJ257IHI okay.
Reasons why I'm still single:
1. Can't find any girl that's single
2. Can't find any girl that will say "yes"
3. Can't find any girl............yeah just can't find one
I hate going on dating apps they just don’t work for me.
It’s strange, I’m willing to spend money on friends to visit, do stuff etc offering with no hesitation, but if someone wants a relationship, I am adamantly opposed. There’s a specific set of conditions to meet for me to be willing to spend money for dating purposes. I think it’s easier to get a background check for a military contractor than meet my date money criteria 😂
In that case it's important for you to build a friendship first before building a relationship.
@@Swwatter Why? so the girlfriend will have someone to sleep with while im at work? Nah! no thank you.
@@inconnu4961 make that make sense.
@@Swwatter He's afraid of promiscuity from his partner, which he has every right to be when he expects loyalty. Happens to women as well with their male partners but it seems to be a disproportionate amount of women doing it compared to men. I feel that once it happens to you from a shitty person you develop unwanted trust issues. Sometimes the risk is not worth the heartache if the temptation or loss of respect happens inside the relationship.
@@Arnuld15Governator so... get a woman with a low body count. Simple fix.
I think its a mix 50/50 of being unique and different, and having similar values and goals.
I’m definitely number 4 and 5. I’ve been married before doing number 4-5 for 20years . I know I am not ready and probably never will be anytime soon.
Anxiety and depression will keep me single forever...makes me deeply sad but I must be real with myself and focus on keeping my mental health balanced as possible.
Also like how you just slid Better Help in there lol. Smooth 👌
A lot of you men on here definitely need to take advantage of Courtney's sponsor today because yes looks definitely open doors but if you don't have the people skills and the strong mental fortitude, it's going to be impossible for you to stay inside those doors so fix your mental health, the women will admire your resiliency!
hi you hit right on the nail please keep talking somebody making sense thanks courtney
Well, she's not wrong. Fortunately I'm not a stranger to taking my time to re-evaluate myself. Sadly its often measured, not in months....... - but years. Good luck folks!😅😅
Don't compromise but be flexible and be prepared to do sacrifices.
Courtney, I rather hold out for someone who is 100% compatible with me and not a percent less, going where the grass is greener is healthy for the mind, body, and soul as long as the grass stays green!!
Im am ready to date after all this is considered but I struggle by being a 5 and not a 10 nor make 50k a year or more. In todays dating world, those are a MUST to a woman.
I don't think women are the worst I just can spot a worst woman with endless red flags. I would immediately turn her down.
🎯
Agreed with everything up until 8:45. Someone having certain physical features do play a crucial role in attraction. How much money they make also does matter. But I agree with her sentiment. But some of these are legitimate dealbreakers
My biggest issue is that dating via dating apps causes me immense anxiety. The dissonance between the fantasy version of that person I've created and the person they actually turn out to be when I meet them in person is usually huge. It's like small things like their body language, the sound and cadence of their voice, their gait, etc.
Courtney, I just discovered your videos and they are so helpful. You are incredibly insightful.
People as a whole are broken and wounded so we try to fill that void my looking for and othm and when we can't find it and other people we look for it.
You can switch them around, but those 5 things I have seen 1st hand from my life and family.
1. Alcohol/Drugs
2.Sex/Relationships
3. Escapism /Rush junkies
4. Fantasy / Roll play
5. Controllers
I made the mistake of dating a mean woman when I was emotionally vulnerable. She was physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive. She cheated on me about as often as she changed her tampon--she cheated on me twice during the two years we were together. I dumped her, but it took about a year for me to be ready to date again. By the way, she contracted HIV about a month after we broke up.
I'm single and never had a GF but I'm happy by myself no toxic relationships