Loving Your Adult Child Who Broke Your Heart - Dr. David Clarke | Ep. 553 | Awesome Marriage Podcast
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- Опубліковано 4 тра 2024
- So many parents know the pain of a broken relationship with their adult child. This isn’t how you thought it would go, and you’re not sure how to love your child when they continue to break your heart. Today Dr. David E Clarke returns to the podcast to give some biblical steps that parents can take, individually or as a couple, with their prodigal child.
Episode highlights include:
10 scenarios that can cause relational disconnect with your adult child
Steps to repairing your relationship when you’ve fallen short
Resolving parental guilt - and what happens if you fail to do so
Forgiving the adult child that has broken your heart
Other family members’ role in this process
We pray this episode is helpful to you and your marriage.
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RESOURCES
👉 Adult Children Who Break Your Heart [www.davideclarkephd.com/produ...]
👉 www.davideclarkephd.com
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Dr. Kim Kimberling is a professional marriage counselor. He has been counseling couples for 37 years. Dr. Kim is the president of Awesome Marriage. He has been married to Nancy for over 51 years and together they have two adult children and 9 grandchildren.
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Thank you for beeing so brave to talk about this topic. Anything else is about how to cut people off, to estrange parents. What a cruel time we live in! Therapist encouraging it, insecure spouses and friends cheering when parent is cut off and noone wants to talk about forgiveness, loyalty and about God
Thank you for commenting! You are absolutely right, so much of the advice floating around is based on vengeance and only looking out for yourself, and not a Godly view at all!
❤
@@awesomemarriage Why would children want vengeance and for what if the parent wasn't abusive?
All these general assumptions. So adult children are never abusive to parents. You can have wonderful loving relationships with your children until they meet someone whose is a covert narcissistic. No one ever talks about how the parents are destroyed by partners of their children. This is also abuse. My sons partner will not allow him to come to our house. We have grandchildren that we hardly see. It's all about control. I do believe estrangement is sometimes justified if the parents or parent is abusive toxic. Social media and therapists can also be toxic. There good parents who are now suffering. It's like brainwashing. Or my case. A cult of one. The partner of my son. My other son also now sees this as well as his partner. They were very close and this relationship has also been destroyed by her. You are right there are 2 sides to every estrangement.. don't let the truth get in the way of good story especially by the narcissist.
@@cm-kn9cd Well, here's the thing. Why would a child raised in a healthy, loving home fall victim to a Narcissist? Generally when people fall for a person like that they are doing so because they have lived/grown up in a home where that kind of Narcissistic behavior is NORMAL. Now, if that behavior isn't normal people are likely to see it for the dysfunction it is. You are all about power and control (you're projecting that by saying it) and it becomes clear when your description of your situation has massive red flags - including there are 2 sides to the story - that ain't always true AT ALL. Or did you want to try the, "Well there's actually 3 sides." - which implies both sides are lying and the truth is somewhere in the middle. Hint - not everyone lies about being victimized the way Narcissistic parents do especially when called on their abuse.
For example - I say my mother hit me and was also verbally abusive. My mom says she was not abusive. One person there is lying the other is telling the truth and if we go for the third scenario route, what pray tell would the 3rd side of the story be? I can't get estranged parent abuser/Narc's to ever give me an answer on that...
P.S. Sounds like your Scapegoat child married a woman of class and is helping your son break the cycle by not participating in unrecognized dysfunction in your family and she is protecting their children.
edit - for typos and spelling
I have one of each…..all 3 of my boys were raised with both loving parents all in high school & college at the same time, all raised the same, oldest ones disowned me & can’t see my grandkids anymore, one just moved back with me & the youngest is alcoholic. I left their cheating dad after they went to college now they hate me….
Praying for reconciliation and for peace and wisdom until that time comes 🙏
I’ll give you the truth as to why you have ALL THREE children with issues. YOU didn’t protect them and I’ll bet if you’re honest (which you won’t be on a social media site) you told you’re kids to suck it up be quiet and move on from the abuse they suffered because you stayed with a narc. Tbh I’m sure you’re a nightmare too. You claim they grew up in a loving home then in the same sentence you blame your ex for being a cheater hahaha how loving do you think that home life was for those men ? Clearly you and the father are both to blame for how they turned out.
I get it. Your husband sounds like a narc or at least high conflict or a different personality disorder. My wife is no different. Alienated my two oldest bc of me leaving her.
But mark this....in the last days......2 Timothy 3:1-5
You aren’t alone Darla.. I have 4 kids . My oldest 2 are alcoholics. And they have disowned me. My 3rd just moved back home with me bc she had a baby and needed help. And my youngest who will be 18 in a few months just moved to her dads . She was following in her alcoholic sisters footsteps of being disrespectful, manipulative, and difficult to handle . So I told her after graduation she had to make other living arrangements. The next day she moves to her fathers house who has never been in her life. All of a sudden he is the best dad in the world .she even just got a tattoo for him. None of my kids have ever listened to me . Never respected me . Never appreciated me . I can tell they think I’m some sort of joke . Recently though the one that had a baby has been a lot nicer to me. I think she has had a full circle moment with becoming a mother and we are doing great.
But I have decided to take the high road. I’m living my life. I’m not letting it bother me. I’m not asking or begging for them to talk to me . The more I go
About my business the more they continue to try to make me angry . My daughter that just moved into her dads keeps calling my daughter living at home saying that she has heard a bunch of things about me . I know she expected me to call or text her and say something . But I didn’t . Anyway , I’m rambling now … but hang in there
My husband and I lived together before marriage. We're celebrating our 50th this year. There's more than one way DAD!
Congratulations and Happy 50th Anniversary!
That doesn’t change the sin.
Children also have the freedom to let parents take the consequences of their own actions and decisions
This is very true. While we generally love to see adult children reunited with their parents, there are situations where this isn't beneficial, especially when dealing with abuse, narcissism, or other inflicted trauma.
This is also true but it doesn’t negate the truth about adult Children . Sending you a virtual Hug 🤗
Generally children don't have any freedom to make autonomous decisions. Adults do.
Thank you this really helps
This was extremely helpful. I’m going through this now with my daughter
We're so glad this was helpful! Praying for you and your daughter.
We live in a time where so many people are disrespectful, undermining, abusive, entitled and self serving. Where parents arent shown at least some level of respect even in the worst scenario. My own father was horrifically abusive to me when i was a kid and i still showed him respect and i still even loved my Dad despite his abuse. I let him know it was wrong but i still respected him. I am 52 and for the past decade, his abuse has been ramping up again in his old age... dementia, ive had to distance myself from him bc it brings back moments flashbacks of abuse as a kid. But i wonder how many adult children of a narcissistic family become brainwashed against the heathier parent...bc it happened to me. This happened to me where my wife parentally alienated my three children right under my nose. It involved systematic undermining me in front of the kids. It taught them to be disrespectful like mom is to dad, then i felt like i had to clamp down to reduce the chaos. It just made it worse and reinforced her smear campaign. This is a tragic form of child abuse and i believe its worse than physical or sexual abuse bc it is a generational curse in the making.
This is so true! I'm so sorry that you had to grow up in that kind of environment. Unfortunately, narcissists have a way of looking like the "good guy" to everyone but their victim(s).
And you should know how to deal with generational curses as you have authority in Christ to dismantle all that! You should also know how to heal from trauma from childhood as the Bible is full of scriptures to declare and proclaim in order to not let any 'old wounds' affect our present or future.
I have one out of three that was brought up in the church,vbs,Sunday school. She thinks she’s gay and has said why would I want to be with a god that hates how he made me. Has decided to cut us totally off.I’m so heart broken. Who would encourage her to do this . Her therapist.
There is so much confusion in the world. The best thing you can do is keep praying for her and be ready to show her grace and love when she comes back to you. I'll be praying for you for strength and peace.
You could always approach her and let her know, you love her unconditionally, just as your god made her. If you can't do that, you don't deserve her, and maybe her therapist gave her life saving advice, for HER life.
Every situation is different with estrangement, there are other people in their lives that play a part
But how do we know that these parents didn't abuse and or neglect their children? It doesn't sound like they are open to discussing certain topics with their children yet they still can't figure out why their children don't talk to them? Uh, maybe try discussing some of those topics you refused to discuss? People who refuse to have discussions, especially with their own family members, are in dishonor and don't deserve any respect. I would cut anyone off too if they did that to me.
This.
If they have been abusing or neglecting their children, that's a whole different story. For context, the advice given by Dr. Clarke are for Christian parents whose children refuse to abide by the rules at home and are being destructive to themselves and everyone around them. He and Dr. Kim both state several times that this should be done in love, and that they should be embraced when they return home. Although, like anything, this can be abused and taken as misplaced guidance to abandon your children, it is meant to provide a way for eventual reconciliation. It's extremely difficult to read into the heart of someone from a single video. Please take the time to watch more of Dr. Clarke's videos on his channel: www.youtube.com/@DrDavidClarke
@@awesomemarriage I watched a few videos already. The bible doesn't say you should be disrespected by anyone, especially your own family. Refusing to discuss certain topics is disrespectful and is dishonorable. I don't mean dishonorable figuratively either, I mean it in the legal sense. If you refuse a discussion in court then you allow the other side to decide the outcome of the discussion. You see, in a free society discussions are the only way two sides can come to an agreement peacefully. By refusing a discussion based on any subject, you are in dishonor. Also, nice mental gymnastics you performed there to completely avoid addressing this point entirely. You didn't address my point at all. The same point you're not addressing is the same point Dr David Clarke is not addressing with his own children. Yall need to grow up, you don't deserve respect until you humble yourself to have an open minded discussion. Refusing to have a discussion about anything is childish and reeks of cluster b traits. I hope the good Dr David Clarke finds the time to look within and see if there is something he can do to find mistakes and correct them when it comes to communicating with his own flesh and blood.
This!❤️
There is such a fine line or so many factors in every situation. God says not to hurt others. Period. He invites us all to the table...but not all of us will eat.
I had a great relationship with my son and he will be 33 this year. We took them on the trip last year and paid for everything and his BPD wife thought I called her crazy and I didn't. We have and in the same room together but he didn't acknowledge me no happy birthday, etc.
I've never found a prayer to help but if you can give me a real solution can I please let me know. He told my husband we needed to get together because he wants to talk to me. But I'm tired of the humiliation in berating but he texted me when all this time I was so worried about him. He would call and I would listen to him for hours repeat himself without any judgment.
He forgave his wife for cheating on him but he won't forgive his mom for something she didn't do.
As hard as it can be, really all you can do is pray and leave space for a conversation with your son. If he begins to berate you or begins to yell, create/reinforce your boundaries. Let him know that you want to talk to him, but only if he is willing to have an actual conversation by listening. I'll be praying for you as well, but in your prayer time, ask God for wisdom to say the right words, peace in your heart, and that God would soften your son's heart to truly hear what you are saying.
❤❤❤❤❤
Dr. David Clarke
Do you feel there is a bit of genetics involved I see it with my 2 step kids always felt they were better than the 3 I had before my narc and the 2 children I had with him I see it especially my son but where I really see it is in my 2 grandchildren they throw the same fits he throws when he loses control one of them scream in your face, so does he the other one when you say no tips furniture over throws things but mostly turns all the furniture he can get to over and the 6 yr old is wanting to lie but she has a lot of empathy and will come and apologize after she screams at you my narc nearly killed me tore my aorta and I was in cardiac icu for over 3 months NEVER has apologized
I'm so sorry that you've had to live in that situation. I hope you're in a safe place now, and I pray that God heals your emotional and mental scars as well as any remaining physical scars. I'm not certain as to what role genetics plays, but I do know that certain personality traits can be passed down and these behaviors can definitely be learned when it is modeled in front of them.
At least my 1st 3 children aren’t like this. But my hisband is very good at what he does. When the kids are here or any company he’s mr. Helpful and speaks to me. But when no one is here I never see him or hear him. I used to do day care and one baby would put his arms up to be picked up and he would say I don’t have time to mess with you but everyday 5 to 10 minutes before their dad would get here he would pick the baby up and hold him. Or go get clothes out of the dryer when they had been in there all day like he does everything . So frustrating once you figure it out. I fell off our porch 5 days after I got out of the hospital after being there 3 months. I broke my wrist really bad and was knocked out and didn’t recognize him so my daughter called the ambulance. He never came to the hospital and I had to find a ride home in a hospital gown because they cut my clothes off. He had gone to work.
@@deniselawson7108❤❤
@@deniselawson7108 Sadly, that is usually the case. Narcissists are good at looking good in front of others, and they rarely let their true colors show in front of them. That's one thing that makes it so hard to get help. They can so easily twist it around to fit their narrative, but professional counselors and therapists are trained to look past the facade to see the real person.
My situation
We are praying for you!
Solution focused 👌 God is love AND solution focused.
God is relationship focused.
Where can I get the book? Adult children who break your heart?
You can get it from Dr. Clarke's website here: www.davideclarkephd.com/product-page/adult-children-who-break-your-heart-paperback
please read your bible this man is twisting the prodigal son parable
Kicking our kids out is not biblical. When they marry, and even then, biblically we can add onto the house if necessary. The parents would be the first to feel hurt when the kids don’t want to help them when they’re old, and that too is not biblical.
A man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife. Removal of authority over the son and daughter, the son then becomes the head of the household. Honor thy mother and farther by taking care of them when they are old. Biblical. It’s just not done this way and it’s a shame. 😞
I'm so glad someone recommended this video. I just confronted my adult son about his disrespect/contempt/belittling me. He doesn't want to hear it, but I can't continue to be hurt by him.
It's so hard, but you are right. We are praying for you!
The narc pays and pays
Yes, married the dirt all is right!!!
Thank you so much for being so clear! Helping me stand on the word of God ! My Daughter cut me off because her daughter my Granddaughter is gay and I spoke it out loud what the Bible says and she said she didn’t care what the Bible say 😢 that was her daughter ! And I told her that I still love her I just don’t condone it so we have no relationship right now it’s very heartbreaking!
I'm praying for your relationship with your daughter and granddaughter 🙏
I am praying too
Did she ask you for your opinion? Giving your opinion without being asked is what's otherwise called criticism. If you were able to love her she'd have a whole lot more chance of actually then being able to hear you. It's hard to hear someone who is critisising. The normal human response is to defend and withdraw. Seems like you've achieved that in her. Jesus always got alongside the prostitues and outcasts. He didn't even condemn them, he attuned to them with understanding stating whoever is without sin throw the first stone. Once she felt heard and understood he was able to gently offer to her that she changes her lifestyle. It wasn't a demand or him moralising to her what he wanted to make him feel ok. She could then hear him.
Thank God for you Dr Clarke!! Pastors do not preach HOLINESS AND SIN !!
Stumbled into this show and couldn't get out fast enough, as a proud empathetic atheist. Thought there would be some real world solutions, that actually work in the world we live in. But another 1950'. regressive ideas.
Even if you disagree, we're glad you took the time to listen to Dr. Clarke's point of view. 😊
Okay you talk a lot about God but you don't really address the problem and give some answers😊
See my reply to your other comment 😊